share with me your party's most retarded, half-assed plans, and weather or not they succeeded or failed.
>Let's ask our kidnappers for directions!
"Ok, so... you are on fire. At near negative health. In the middle of the field with no one nearby.""Is the bad guy running?""Well... yeah.""Do my legs work?""Um... technically.""AFTER HIM!"Motherfucker got him too.
>party visits roadside inn in a spooky haunted wood>inn won't let party's Minotaur in because of hostile tribal minotaurs in the area>Minotaur won't stand for that shit, bashes back door in, enters inn's kitchen>sees some runic shit on the doorframe, now broken, thinks nothing of it>half-orc cook in kitchen bitches out minotaur, the two start yelling at each other>eventually, anger-based friendship>half-orc vouches for minotaur, gets him a room on the second floor>later that night, party hears screams from downstairs>minotaur fails perception check, everyone else passes, rushes downstairs>ghosts killing the shit out of everyone>turns out the runic stuff that the minotaur smashed was a ward against ghosts>whoops>half-orc cook helps them with fight, occurring mostly in kitchen on the first floor>minotaur finally wakes up, fight is winding down>realizes this, wants to participate, decides to jump THROUGH THE FLOOR to get to the fight faster>crashes through floor, gets to fight as last ghost is dispatched>realizes he is now standing on the corpse of the half-orc cook, who was at like 1 hit point, and he killed with falling damage>oh. oh shit.>party sorcerer: NO WAIT, WE CAN FIX THIS>spies sausage grinder>begins to carry half-orc over to the grinder, asks minotaur to give him a hand>rest of party: NO NO NO NO NOThey ended up deciding to run away out into the haunted woods at night, after attempting to rob the innkeeper's cash box, which turned out to be a dummy inscribed with exploding runes. That party was a powder keg of retarded.
> and weather or not they succeeded or failed.>and weather or not>weather or>weather
If you can't read that it says "I stick my head in the bag of holding."It was such a bad idea my DM made him write it down for proof that he was actually going to do. By some bizarre twist of fate it turned out well for him, as his soul was basically split and half of him drifted through the cosmos until it was able to possess a soulless body, meaning he had a backup character for when he was later incapacitated just before the final fight of the campaign.
>Play Exalted>Party is exploring the wyld looking for one of the elemental poles which a demon is looking to corrupt>We come across an ocean that drains essence>Eventually it's just a solid wall of essence draining liquid>We have an airship designed for wyld exploration, but it's powered by essence>Someone brought up a solar sail that the DM included as an alternate propulsion method sessions ago>It basically conducts essence to produce thrust>The airship has a super powerful first age essence cannon>"OK guys hear me out. I'm pretty sure if we fire the main gun at the solar sail, if it stays in tact, we'll be propelled through the ocean at the speed of light and we'll get out the other side before it has the chance to drain our essence">DM's face when>He decides to allow it if we promise to never use that plan again just to stop us from talking about it>We rocket through the essence-draining ocean with laser power>Flawless victoryOh man, we did some crazy shit in that campaign, but that was probably the most ridiculous.
>>20106336Mistakes happen.>>20106304I like your party, they sound like the kind that dash the DM's plans into tiny pieces through sheer stupidity.
>>20106304Another one from the same group.>returning from a dungeon to the north, full of mimics of varying degrees of sentience, escorting a decidedly non-mimic father and her daughter back to town>one mimic escaped, made a beeline for a village to the south, a two-day journey for the party>it's basically The Thing, party needs to kill it quick>party makes camp halfway to the village in some snowbound woods, sets up a campfire, divides up watch>middle of the night, a woman clutching some light-to-serious wounds on her side stumbles toward the campfire, cries for help>says her town has been overrun by hidden monsters, citing the town to the south, and that she's one of the only survivors>party sits her down by the fire, tells her it'll be alright>party huddles>no one has any idea if she's a mimic or not, they express this>only two ways the party has determined of discovering a mimic are to bloody them, or to set them on fire>sorcerer turns around and says, "Well I don't know about you guys, but I think the solution is obvious.">blasts the woman with a fire spell>woman screams, falls forward into the fire, dies>sorcerer and party gape>party swordmage: NO WAIT, I CAN FIX THIS>LIGHTENING LURE>creates a lasso of lightening to pull her out of the fire>damaging lightening>cuts her dead, burning body in half>her scream woke up the child and her father that they were escorting, child sees this, screams>Sorcerer: "I... I'm not Good aligned anymore, am I?"To his credit, he was right about that.
>>20106387That's lovely.
>DM: you want to do what?>anime loving teen girl: i want to build a steam punk mecha suit for the cat.>DM: the house cat you have been carring around? you want to build power armor for it?>ALTG: we also want to mount a cannon on it, and give it a jet pack.>Anon(me):can i use the radio for the ship to also talk through the cat?>DM:OK! lets build you guys a cat mech, maybe it will keep anon from killing it (i was known for doing more dmg to the party then the monsters, but i got shit done and no one died.).turned out he wouldnt give us any hp from the suit, just armor. so we ended up with a killer lion robot, with a jet pack, and a canon, laser eyes, crushing jaw., that only had 5hp. that dm was bad ass though he gave us to much gold a let us do stupid shit like flying castles.
>A seafaring leviathan hunting campaign>our ship is approaching a harbor and we see smoke rising above the horizon>"what do we do?">"Wait, wizard, you can read your cat familiar's mind right?">"No, just his emotions">Cleric summons giant owl, owl picks up cat and flies towards the smoke>"Your cat feels indescribable fear">"You feel your cat familiar die.">Well fuck.
>>20106531To be fair, the owl could've just gotten hungry.
>>20106531There'd be one dead cleric after that event occurred. Familiar death is an XP drain and that cleric has to make it up.
>>20106531yeah, that's, that's 'spechul' right there.
This is more of a series of terrible ideas and actions, but I suppose it fits the bill>party boards a boat to rid it of animated skeletons>first, the Rogue tosses the cleric down into the lower deck>paladin takes ladder, rogue goes to captains cabin>Dumb as fuck but still friendly paladin finds a locked door>doesn't get the rogue, simply punches door>door flies off hinges, nearly knocks out the cleric>meanwhile, rogue has found a hole in the ship (bad DM moment on my part- I just said "fuck physics)>Kraken tentacle emerges>Rogue thinks that setting the tentacle on fire will help>it's inneffective>rogue decides setting off gunpowder is a better idea>fuse is lit, rogue runs like fuck back onto the docks>explosion tears away back half of the ship, it starts sinking back end first>cleric has decided fuck this noise and goes to join rogue, but still has to make his way back out of the ship>paladin keeps fighting skeletons>cleric gets to the top deck, but the fire has spread to where he is>he burns, scarred for the rest of the campaign>rogue jumps on, snatches cleric, only smart and helpful thing that was done>paladin is stuck fighting skeletons, some of which are now the kraken's snack>another explosion>ship sinking fast, skeletons washed out>paladin just manages to climb out>all three turn to the sailor they were trying to help>sailor just twitches his eye and shoots himself in the headThat Cleric is the only one that p[lays smartly, though at least the Paladin tries. The rogue just likes fire...
>>20106585>sets tenticle on fire>while on a WOODEN shipdid you remind the rogue player that wood burns? and that the ship was made of wood?
>>20106624She was fully aware. She did the same in a barn, with only one exit. The Cleric had to bash a hole for everyone to escape through, and the wizard failed miserable, and just said fuck it and left out the front, on fire.I hate and love my party, though.
>>20106624I remember one D&D game where we were being harrassed by a ghost shark that kept possessing the crew of the ship we were travelling on. My solution was to fireball the crew so it would stop having people to possess.It ended about as well as you would expect.
>Let's kidnap a fully established hutt on his own space cruiseliner because the force told me to!Oh they pulled it off alright, but the jedi who commented above got his shit slapped so hard by the soldier who was on security detail for that hutt that he had to burn some of his 'not gonna die' points. Literally, she just slapped him and he died.
Airship campaign. Party has stolen an airship, now captained by the party human Sorcerer, and is flying for a pirate town where they hope to find safe haven.>whole lot of nothing to do on the voyage, gnome artificer (ship's mechanic and pilot) gets bored, decides to test if the Sovereign Glue she brewed up works>first mate (dwarf monk) is a heavy sleeper, she decides to glue him to the captain with the help of the party's warforged fighter, the ship's muscle>the two eventually wake up naked and glued together, try and get apart, can't make the strength check>captain screams for the warforged to come in and help as the first mate ponders using a battle-axe>captain asks if the warforged knows anything about this, warforged absolutely blows at lying>captain narrows his eyes, always suspicious of mutiny, but for now he needed the warforged's help>warforged makes a couple of strength checks, finally succeeds, librates dwarf of backhair, now applied firmly to the captain, and the two are separated>warforged goes to the front of the ship to resume his keeping watch, sights land and a simple pirate ship in the water underneath them approaching the dock>the captain clears his throat, says "Oh, and by the way," then throws Chaos Bolt at the warforgedAnd here's where shit gets real. Continued in next post.
>Dark Heresy>Arrive on a Void Station near Baal. >We're going undercover to find the heretics!>Going undercover means small pistols and knives only. >Our cover is a group form another, smaller Void Station that needs oxygen and fuel. >We start looking around in the misc. part of market. >Find daggers tainted by the warp. >Start interrogating the salesman, just like we're part of the Inquisition. >We could've been more subtle...>He tells us he got his shit from the bodies in a certain hallway. >Decide to go there. >It's a trap set by Gangers of 9.>Two gangers, one with gun and one with chain axe. >Kill them (I was an assassin and my Throwing Knives helped.)>Psyker fucks up and rolls 9>Chainaxe flies and fucks up Guardwoman #1's leg. >Looted, now our injured Guardswoman is carrying around a fucking chainaxe... while we'e undercover. >Decide to hump it to our ship.>It's now guarded. >Inquisitor tells us of a doctor. >Hump it to the doctor. >FIX THIS LEG.>We gots no monies. >Techpriest decides to make money by reading futures with toasters. Cont'd.
>>20106304>>20106454Holy shit I lol'd
>>20106734>Reading future with toaster.Im playing Dark Heresy tomorrow.Stealing this with my techpriest.
>>20106722>Warforged challenges captain to a duel in a circle inscribed on the ship, captain accepts, start fighting properly>warforged goes to shield-bash captain, nat 1>shield, screwed onto his arm, pops off violently, decks an NPC crewmember, knocking him off the ship>gnome artificer, seeing this and steering the ship, goes OH SHIT and dives the ship to catch him>Nat 1.>"Okay," I say, "Make another roll.">Nat 20.>The airship swings down violently, clipping the sails off the pirate ship below them and damaging the airship's hull, but she manages to catch the dude>pirates are fucking pissed, wheeling cannons onto the deck, firing upwards at airship>full-scale sea battle takes place>captain and warforged still fighting, maintained position inside ring because HONORAnd then shit went bananas.
Star Wars d20. We're on a mission to destroy a secret Empire military complex stationed on an asteroid. We arrive on location and spot a Star Destroyer surrounded by tie fighters. I flag the Star Destroyer thinking we can bluff our way into the military complex. Empire Officer tells us we shouldn't be here and we are going to be executed. Tell him we captured a new prototype space ship from rebel hands and it would be a waste to lose such technology. So he tells us to dock in the Star Destroyer and we shall then be executed. We get tractor beamed in and our weapons are put on a lockdown. Party member hacks through the weapon system lockdown and once we're in the ship we open fire with our fancy prototype ion cannon, boring straight through the god damn Star Destroyer with the final boss BBEG bouncing off our windshield as the vacuum of space kills him. We come through the other side and shoot the husk of the Star Destroyer a few times, causing it to get caught in the gravitational pull of the asteroid and plummet directly into the base we had to destroy. Needless to say, the DM just stares at us blankly as says Mission Accomplished.
>>20106734>Lo and behold, fucking Voidborn are stupid. >Get Guardswoman #1 her new leg. >Okay, let's go get that fuel. This is where it gets pants-on-head retarded:>Priest gets this bright idea.>LET'S STEAL IT!>Psyker disagrees, I, the assassin, am supposed to have that mindset, everyone else agrees. >So we mosey on over to the power dealer. >He stands in front of a big fucking vault. >He won't open unless we pay a deposit. >We offer a Toaster Reading instead. >He agrees. >We come in, another vault door. >Priest starts asking how we're going to steal it, out loud. >Dealer hears it and pulls one on us. >The ones with guns, name our Priest, Techpriest, and Guardswoman #2, shoot the piss out of him before he can do anything. >We open up the other vault as the Priest is looting the fucking body. >We find two power supplies, one quality and one half-rate. >We take the half-rate one. >Hidden door opens. >Psyker looks in. >"GUIZE?! THERE'S WARP CRYSTALS IN HERE!" >Four gun servitors come out. Cont'd.
Playing a really dumb fighter, discussing with new player (the cleric) who has trained on pumpkins. "I see, are these pump kin fierce warriors?" Party are at a nobles house searching for a stolen necklace, dress ourselves in dead guards uniforms and wait in a stairwell as the ranger creeps upstairsCan't open the safe... pushes it out a window, instantly every guard in the house is alerted. Oh shit. Had to think fast, My fighter goes upstairs in uniform "reporting for duty sir" nat 1 on bluff. awww shit...
>>20106785>captain and warforged still duking it out>cannonball rips through the ring, knocking out a chunk of wood from underneath the captain>captain makes his save to avoid falling, grips splintery edge of ring>warforged stands above him, roaring, ready to land the final blow>first mate dwarf monk has had enough of this shit, decides to take fight to the pirate ship>has himself styled as a wrestler/fist-fighter rather than some kind of mystic>ties a rope around his midsection, ties other end to the airship, makes a running leap at the pirate ship>grabs the mast>"I want to suplex the ship.">I sigh, this shit is retarded. Fine, roll your dice.>of course, Natural Fucking 20.>Cannonball from airship hits bow of the pirate ship, explodes, and dwarf SUPLEXES THE FUCKING PIRATE SHIP>climbs back up his rope to the airship like it ain't no thang>meanwhile, captain surrenders to warforged, who helps him back up onto the deck>captain gets up, dusts himself off, declares the warforged's victory is null and void because he is a machine built for fighting, and therefore fighting isn't something he's skilled at as much as it is something he's programmed to do>argues that warforged doesn't have a soul>as party pulls into dock on their swiss-cheesed airship, a full-scale moderated debate breaks out over the nature of humanity, souls, and artificial intelligenceSometimes, I love my group.
The game: Rogue Trader.The players: An Arch-Militant, whose job it was to kill the scary monsters. A Navigator, whose job it was to keep everyone alive during Warp travel. A DH Biomancer, whose job was ill-defined. And an Astropath, whose job it was to communicate for the party.The setting: A crashed cruiser that had been sealed for decades.Our brave explorers cut their way inside, and send in some ratings to do the dangerous looking around. When they fail to report back, the group decides to take matters into their own hands.Which is when they get ambushed by 3 Genestealers.The Arch-Militant, without consulting the rest of the party, enacted a brilliant plan.You see, he believed that Genestealers couldn't eat him if he was on fire.Damned if he wasn't right, too. The Genestealers didn't eat him.Why do so many terrible plans involve fire?
>SW Saga>Read trade rules>Buy second-hand transport on the cheap>Outfit with desalination plant>Outfit with atmospheric flight capabilities>GM is now questioning our sanity>Fly to Dac>Skim water>GM: "so what was that all about?">Us: "we jump to Tatooine">trollface.jpgThat set the tone for the campaign. The GM was trying so hard to get us involved in the plot (which was very good in its own right) but we kept side tracking with get rich quick schemes. Eventually, credits became meaningless and a separate wealth system had to be introduced.
>>20106869The dwarf reminds me of this.
>Let's steal the evil relic right out of the (ridiculously overpowered (at least 20 levels above us)) bad guy's hands!It worked.
>GMing Dark Heresy, party is a group of proven acolytes of an Inquisitor who without their knowledge is a radical>they're in a hive that goes through a rebellion>ordered to get to a sealed Grand Library(always sealed, not just in times of war), to "check if everything's all right">their guide is a veteran member of a paramilitary unit tasked solely with protection of said library>they get there, find out that an explosion in a subway allows to get in from below>ask for further orders via vox>Inquisitor sends a transmission to the adept's dataslate>message reads "eliminate all witnesses, enter library, extract [extra heretical material]">Adept's player: "I show it to our guide">wat>are you sure?>"Yeah, I show him the message on my dataslate"cue completely pointless Mexican standoff, "you heretic" shouts, and shootout that cost the adept two fate points, one from being held at gunpoint when the rest of the team started shooting and other from friendly fire. To this day I can't fathom what was possibly his idea.
>>20106184>>20106184>Meet up with space pirates to exchange prisoners and cargo>PC has history with pirate captain>Challenges pirate captain in power armor to duel to the death>Keeps trying to change the game ends up with 2v2 duel with the party bruiser >so duel with pirates in backwoods ruin where they are completely outnumbered with no backup.
>>20106734>>20106845>We haul it out the main vault with our Guardwomen carrying it. >Gun Servitors follow. >Techpriest tries hacking the first vault door. Fails.>BATTLE!>Guardswoman #1 charges with chainaxe and misses. >Guardswoman #2 blows Gun Servitor away. >I charge up to another and try to gapple it. Failed.>Priest shoots and nearly hits me, whizzing away a chunk of my hair. >Gun Servitors aim at the Priest and shoot his left arm up. Can be saved, just that it's bleeding. >ROUND TWO!>I put a grapple on the nearest servitor and redirect it's guns at it's allies. >Guardswoman #2 blows another away. >Guardswoman #1 Chops the other's head off. >Priest shot in the arm again. >ROUND THREE! >Tear out the Gun Servitor's chest. >Priest decides to fire again, misses and hits the goddamn power supply. >Shit's leaking. >OH FUCK, IF THAT THING GOES UP, THEN THE ENTIRE STATION WILL EXPLODE!>Techpriest passes test. Vault's opened. >We all haul it out. >Guardswoman #1, Priest and Techpriest decide to take a magical elevator. Cont'd.
>D&D 3.5, party around ~11th level>Me: Dual-weapon human rogue optimized for skills and socialness (high Int + Charisma,) but with respectable damage output>Rogue/Dungeon Delver who doesn't really know what he's doing>Druid who doesn't really know what she's doing>Ranger optimized for ranged damage>Half-orc barbarian optimized for melee damage>DM is looking to score his first TPK, sends wyrm black dragon after us>we're caught in the open, dragon is staying airborne and strafing us with his breath weapon, first blast damn near kills us>everybody's panicking, trying to heal up in time for the next pass, trying to figure out wtf to do>I come up with a plan>Use the last charge of my boots of teleportation to get way above the battlefield, go into free-fall.>next round, about to intercept the dragon, pull a feather out of my pocket>Quaal's feather token: swan boat>drop a fuckin' yacht on the dragon, dragon fails a Dex check to remain airborne>Other Rogue catches me using his winged boots>DM's brain breaks a little as he realizes that I just beat a CR 20 monster with a 450-gp item>mfw
>WoD campaign>party nearly dead>PCs just got their asses handed to them and needed a pick up>End up investigating mansion finding Franken Fran expy>Injured PC says "Feel free to make improvements"
Sci fi campaign>Going through wrecked ship for salvage tech>find mutated abominations>Fight their way to the engine room>PC says "I fire a grenade into the reactor"
>>20106734>>20106845>>20107041>Me, Guardsman #2 and Psyker have 12 miles to run. >Start hauling it. >Three gangers up ahead. >Knives to face. >Fail to collect knives. >Four Guardsmen up ahead. >Stop us. >Guardswoman #2 uses her tribal figure to seduce them. >Three seduced; one is gay. >Gay one knocked out for being a faggot. >I use an assassin charm to ask for passage. >Roll bad. >Seduction gone. >Decide to pull off an assassin dropkick. >Succeed. >All three down, get two pistols and a SMG. >For once, I was able to loot something without the fucking Priest going first. >Keep going. >Zero grav room + Assassin = Sick assassin. >Make it to ship. >Apparently, the Priest has cooked children. >Fuck it, let's report what's going on to our inquisitor. >Warp Crystals is a problem, but the station exploding so close to Baal with Warp Crystals aboard is a very bad thing if we don't want Heretic Blood Angels. >Priest has idea to send entire station to the sun. >That would taint the system. cont'd.
>>20107062
>party needs to get into some douchebag noble's dungeon to look for clues>they scope the area out at the guy's party>discover that his courtyard is guarded by 20 musketeers and 2 cannons>frontally assault it the next night>mfw they get the shit shot out of them
>>20107062>>Injured PC says "Feel free to make improvements">mfw
>>20106734>>20106845>>20107041>>20107120>How about we take the crystals and send them back to the Eye of Terror? >And get corrupted if we hold them. >Priest gets another idea, shoves Techpriest out of the way, takes frigate out into space, releases wench cable onto the area with the vault and RIPS IT OUT OF THE STATION. >Electrical fire started.>WELL.>Priest hits the Warp button before Astropath determines everything. >Guys, we're 500 years in the past. >On the 3-day flight through the Warp, we left the crystals and the Priest amputated his arm because he wanted to be like Guardswoman #1 and he thought he was a registered doctor. Moral of the Story? Don't bother with the Psyker; shoot the damn Priest. Oh yeah, we warned the Blood Angels about the 'nids. I'm scared when we start playing Shadowrun.
>New campaign, old player becomes new DM>decides to make his prior character the BBEG, a necromancer obsessed with putting cysts in anything/everything>party get ambushed by goblins, mop them up and take a hostage.>Bard attempts interrogation, Cleric heals the hostage in an attempt to make them comfortable.>Wizard makes a spot check, notices a Cist>party freaks out with Out of Character knowledge, Rogue and Bard rush in to dice it up>party uses out of character info, but forgets WHY the cists are bad>goblin explodes, nearly killing the cleric.
>Play GURPS game>Setting is modern war-time with A-Team and Metal Gear Solid themes>Our party is a mercenary group and this was our first mission.>Assigned to rescue the daughter of a CEO from a Malian warlord.>Touch down at insertion point located a little ways off from the city the warlord lives in.>Generic Action-Hero bro drives our team to the nearest compound via humvee.>Floors it the entire way>Immediately slams on breaks as we arrive at the compound>Heavy weapons guy speaks up>"I want to roll for being thrown out of the turret hole.">Whole party tells him not to do it, but he rolls anyways>Successful roll for flying out of the turret hole>Heavy weapons guy is now suffering severe concussion and is unconscious>Drag him to local doctor who turns out to be a badass leading a warlord resistance team.>Agree to help him get his people some weapons.Continued in next post. It's about to get pants on head retarded.
>>20106387>that player's face
>>20107287>Head to nearby weapons cache with the rest of team (I played Big Boss, alongside Generic Action hero and Sniper-bro)>Cache is abandoned, weapon racks lined with AK's, crates everywhere.>Agree to take a few of the weapons and sabotage the rest before heading back.>Reach the doctor's house with three or four AK's for his small resistance group.>GM chimes in,>"Did you grab ammo?">FUCK.>Sprint back to the cache>Lucky 1d100 roll, only 2 guards posted there now.>Sniper-bro blindly rushes in and throws open a crate>Being the only sensible member of the team, and knowing there are people posted inside the cache, I throw a flashbang AT him as he runs in.>He's now on the ground, blinded and deaf.>Easily eliminate the two enemies who were also blind and deaf>Take a few ammo crates and investigate the others.>Holy shit, it's C4.We're not done yet, continued in next post.
>>20107343>After Sniper-bro comes to his senses, we realize no one here knows how to actually operate C4 without accidentally killing ourselves.>We just say fuck it and take whatever little supplies we could alongside our ammo crates.>As we are sprinting back to the compound we notice a few guards patrolling the area from a good distance away>They haven't seen us.>Generic Action Hero gets a genius idea.>"I ready my RPG-7 and take aim at the cache">Everyone at the table flips shit>"NO NO NO NO" <- Direct quote>He checks for backblast and fires on the C4-loaded cache.>MASSIVE DAMAGE>Whole thing goes up in flames>Guards who originally had no idea we were here or had any intention of killing this warlord and extracting the CEO's daughter are now on high alert and the city where the warlord is positioned is now near-impossible to infiltrate.>Thanks a lot, Generic Action hero.
>>20107390After that it was semi-smooth sailing.>Get the ammo and such back to the doctor and his men.>Now have the trust of these men and they agree to fight with us>Generic Action Hero tries to give a motivational speech>Fails completely and we're left with two men willing to fight with us.>Hop in the humvee and move to actually complete the objective.>Spend an hour or so looking over maps and formulating a plan until a militiaman says,>"Actually, there's this spot that the Warlord keeps under heavy security, and anyone who goes near it gets killed.">Generic Action hero and I start planning>Almost agree upon bombing the heavily secure point, thinking it was some kind of vehicle garage for heavy armor but ultimately decide to bomb a city entrance to shift attention elsewhere.>Call in a strafe run and do just that>mfw the heavily secure area is where the CEO's daughter was located and we almost leveled that land.>mfw we're now wanted men in Mali for bombing innocent people and we eventually have to go back for another mission.>I blame you, Generic Action hero.
>He checks for backblast
>>20107287>>20107343>>20107390>>20107465As the DM for this, I can attest to this. The entire mission had me on my ass laughing.
>>20106845>He won't open unless we pay a deposit. >We offer a Toaster Reading instead. >He agrees. I lost it. It doesn't help that I am imagining the tech priest using an actual toaster and looking for the face of the emperor on toast.
>Play a GURPS game set in a fantasy setting>Goal was to create a successful civilization consisting only of monsters and outcasts>Inb4 '/d/ Fortress Simulator'>Be a Battletoad who worships a past PC who became a legend due to his only skill being punching.>Seriously, just punching. No personality, no other skills, just punching.>Focus the majority of my skills in Karate, the rest into carpenting because I need to do something useful.>One day, all the PC's are out questing and adventuring and I'm left to watch the camp.>Go see the kobold workers and ask if they need help.>"Well, we need to expand on this dock so we can build ships and such, but we can't get the support legs in holes dug out at the bottom of the lake. Do you think you can swim down there and help us out?">Check my character sheet.>"I uh... actually can't swim...">"Oh...">"...Yeah.. I should get going.">my and GM's faces when I forgot to put swimming on my Battletoad character.
>>20107475that makes me feel warm and fuzzy
Okay... a few randoms that come to mind: except it was me and not the party/DM.>Playing eccentric gnome cleric of Gond (artifice) - make springboots that suddenly give a +40 to jump in (sometimes) a random direction. Trapped door, rogue MIA - I disarm the mechanical trap, unlock the lock try and open: get zapped with magic: think Ah-HA, time to use uberboots! *ACTIVATE* Springs directly forward, into the trap again. Left at 5 hp. >Playing Soulknife and having a quickdraw contest with Iijutsu Master: awesome.>Playing Rogue/Wiz/Arc Trickster - Charge headfirst into a boat full of pirates, nothing can hit me ( AC 28 at lvl 5), dual wielding and balancing on a railing while dueling the ships captain a Bard/Ranger... that was an epic fight. >Playing PsiWarrior/Warmind of DOOM: Boss battle is woodbased druid thing who can travel between 8 thick wooden posts, meld in and out of them, etc (real pain in the ass). PsiWar pulls out the big guns: "Greater Psionic Weapon, Power Attack" With an Deep Crystal weapon - ends up doing ~90 damage and shatters the posts one by one. Eventually can't run anymore and is cut in twain.Good times. Tons more stories
Playing in a star wars saga game.GM has railroaded us twice already by having our transport caught up in a tractor beam. Third time it happens wait until they pull us into the hanger. Look over to my copilot "It's been fun knowing you buddy, but I've had just about enough of this shit. RAMMING SPEED!" Punch the ship into hyperdrive, slamming my poor transport straight into this capital ship. Everyone on both ships took something like 10 d6 damage. Killed all of the non heroic mooks and hurt all of the enemy NPC's.Oddly enough neither ship took enough damage to be destroyed and all of the PC's survived. Calmly backed the fuck out of that hanger bay and flew away laughing because the other ship no longer had enough of a crew to operate any of its systems. Moral of the story, don't abuse tractor beams or else.
>party exploring an ancient dungeon>encounters 5 foot wide bottomless hole>argues for 1 hour how to get across>GM finally forces us to "just jump">everyone made the jump
>>20107613Same game, different time in the story>Have to dress up nice for a meeting with king of nearby land>Matter creating demon is put to the task of forming us some fancy clothes>Critically succeeds the roll and forms the most lavish and soft clothes ever created>Roll willpower to resist fondling each other>Fail>Spend rest of the session fondling ourselves and each other without any care of who sees.>In King's Court>Meeting is going pretty well, I, the battletoad, am staring off into the distance thinking about being as swift as a coursing river, etc.>Suddenly we hear a loud crash from behind us>Lo' and behold, it's everyone's favorite Dick-Ass Darklord.>Ruins this amazingly big door in front of the king and his men.>Spends the rest of the session standing there dumbstruck.
>>20107832As the DM for this, they rolled the willpower test on their own.I never called for it.
>>20107699> Star Wars d20 - Playing Soldier Droid, armed to the teeth with shield generators and everything. Mowing down mooks and troopers like no ones business. Then a Sith. Fine, shoot it with energy cannon, he reflects it back at me. Take solace by shooting his minions to shit while party jedi duels him. Sith starts to retreat across a bridge. Whip out missile launcher loaded with High Explosive, and aim at the bridge his feet. He falls to oblivion - great success!> Same droid: arm non-sentient droids (serving, maintenance, cleaning) by taping guns/knives and hiding concussion grenades within them (only hurts meatbags!). Brilliant.
>>20107832>Roll willpower to resist fondling each otherdidn't your character's realize they had important shit to get done, I've got acute ADHD and I'm not even that easily distracted.
>>20107832Once again, same game different time>Our Orc engineer with a fetish for old weaponry successfully build a prototype gun>Roll was a slight fail, so something was wrong and we don't know what because DM wouldn't tell us.>Scared to test it out himself, the Orc decides to give it to our Robot party member since he's made of metal and it won't suck as bad if he lost his hand.>He agrees to fire it>Takes aim at a tree as a nearby crowd of kobolds and other workers begin to gather>Pulls the trigger>Nothing happens>Spend a few moments standing around, trying to figure out what went wrong>Theta, our Robot friend, says "I don't think it's quite operational" and stares down the barrel of the gun>Next line is from the DM>"And at this moment, Theta learned the first rule of firearm safety. Never look down the barrel of a loaded gun.">Theta takes the delayed shot right between the eyes for a crushing 8 damage.
>>20107923>Orc later fixes the gun, making a successful flintlock pistol and later a rifle.>Gets pissed because our Boss refused to let us do something that I can't remember, and he, Theta (from that point on had a permanent hole in his head), and I-- the battletoad-- start walking towards the woods.>Time to relieve some stress by fighting baddies.>Kill off a few feral Orc groups and keep hunting.>Come across a group of about 20 Orcs or so.>3 versus 20>We had the great idea of charging them, and fought off a few for a couple of turns.>Theta begins to take a lot of damage>Realize we are dumbasses and should probably start running>Sprint and dodge our way back to camp, Theta getting the worst of it all.>End up leading 20 orcs to our very low security camp>Rally the men as fast as we can, forming a barricade at the camp entrance.>At this moment our ill-tempered vampire friend was starting to wake up.Continued in next post.
>>20108007>We start fighting them off, while ill-tempered vampire just slowly walks his way through the the small group of Orcs>Shrugs off any hit he takes and makes a beeline for what looks like the leader.>Note at this point none of us actually KNEW he was a vampire>Orc, also spotting the feral orc general, decides he wants the last kill for himself.>Decides to fire his bullet straight through vampire bro into the orc general>Rolls successfully>Orc falls over dead>Not knowing he is a vampire, he basically would have just willingly killed a party member just for his own pride.
>>20108069>>20108007You got two different encounter mixed up.
>>20108069Win
>>20108069if your group consisted of outcasts/monsters what did everyone think the vampire was prior
>>20108007>>20108069Oops, was a warcamp of goblins, not orcs
"Let's feed all the smaller boats to the little girl and see if she pukes out one big boat."It worked."Now should we have her eat both big boats and have her puke out one really big boat?"They decided against it.
>>20108103He was a representative sent by the king to milk our money.
>>20108119Was your curreny cows?
>>20108115>"Let's feed all the smaller boats to the little girl and see if she pukes out one big boat."what
>>20108132... Yes.At some point, they did become extremely wealthy through cows.
"ill just walk across the plank:
>a simple quest to earn money, steal a unguarded house>they ended up naked, with the imperial guard after them.>the most awesome idea: Let's run with your naked butts on the street, but lets also carry this stuffes full sized bear!>they also dressed the bear with the armour of a dead guard
>>20108185>the most awesome idea: Let's run with your naked butts on the street, but lets also carry this stuffes full sized bear!>they also dressed the bear with the armour of a dead guardwhat was the plan there? what was the goal?
"so we all have full health right?"nope, nope, nope"well i do, hey dm, the dragon is still asleep right? im going to fuck it, everybody distract it when it wakes up ok."i didnt really wait for answers...
>>20108136Early on, the party had no healer so I had them find a little girl in the woods to be a temporary healer for them. She followed the party around and did whatever they asked of her. Aside from low-level healing spells, she could eat a person and puke them out a few rounds later healed of anything that was wrong with them. She could also eat magical or mundane items and puke out different ones. She ate a frost giant's magic greatsword like a popsicle and puked out several smaller magic items.After a few levels they left her at their base while they went off to another country and she wandered away along with a few orphans.
>>20108211They stuffed the bear with the loot they stole, so the main use of the it was as a container (that's when i realized they are retarded): and the running was a distraction plan, they got into a alley, boom, the wizard burned them (he had a powerful scroll). Of course, magic isn't allowed so they got in even more problems. I REALLY can't understand what was their plan.. (they planned it when i left for the toilet)
>>20107923He had 8 innate DR.And not a single fuck was given that day.
>>20107509Oh, the funniest part is that the Priest is supposed to be our Money-maker/Doctor. What a doctor he turned out to be.
rolled 113, 34, 82 = 229>>20108218I... what?That raises more questions than it answers.
>>20108428Like what?
>>20108411>>20108007IT WAS ONLY A DENT
This idea has not succeeded or failed yet, but...We have begun a 4e Dark Sun game. Party roll call:Dej'hak, Thri-Kreen Swarm Druid (me)Fire, Human AerialistJohn, Human Stalker ShamanLo-kan, Half-Giant SwordmageWe have been given a lead on a cultist in Tyr who has a 10,000g bounty. Our path to this cultist apparently goes through a certain noble. So to get in good with the noble, we had the option of working our way through other houses and being sent as minstrels, etc.But instead, we went to an Inn owned by the house and the Rogue and Swordmage will put on an acrobatics/athletics show. My Thri-Kreen, lacking any concept of human social grace, decided to start learning the drums an hour before the performance and bought empty bottled to "juggle" in case its needed.This will either get us a ticket straight to the noble's house, or get us kicked out of the Noble District.
>>20108445Where did she come from besides the woods? How did she get this eating power? Why did they leave her behind?
>>20108541She was burn in an alchemist's lab far away and dropped in the woods near the party by someone who broke the party out of a monastery where the campaign began just because he felt like it. The eating power was something she got from whose blood she was made out of and altered that way by the experiments done on her before she was born. The party never found any of this out. They never said why they left her behind but when they found out she disappeared, the party wizard went, "uh-ohh. That can't be good."
>>20108651*born not burn
>>20108541> It can swallow you whole, then regurgitate you whole later. Its also a little girl.DM Fetish?
>>20108651Thank you. That was all i wanted to know.
>>20108698I never said "whole". No fetish, it was intended to be creepy and weird. Though I will admit, the party overreacting with fear every time she cast a 1st level spell was hilarious.
>>20108445>Hey guys, we found a little girl that eats things larger than herself and pukes out different things we can use!TOTALLY NOT SUSPICIOUS AT ALL!
One of my players had a plot-important NPC killed off because another NCP told her they didn't like him.. I am not sure if I hate them for doing that or love that they care about the other NCP enough to do it.
'Why don't we do like in that Transformers 3 scene where the dudes glide around in the city to bypass that barrier?''You mean that massive city-enveloping barrier that wasn't even dented by the combined bombardment of every non-nuclear bomb, shell and missile every army on Earth could spare?''...yeah?'The team leader headbutts the barrier at 200km/h. Natural 20. Barrier shatters completely, team leader not even dizzy from the impact.
>>20108732So what happens if she eats, lets say, Tarrasque flesh?
>>20108885dude! you should've made him fail anyway, it would have been glorious!
>>20108885
beaing in mind this was my first ever D&D >playing a paladin, party are getting fucked over by kobolds using lightning magic,> I leap at the Kobold mage and attept to grapple>DM: "you are aware he is under water?">"yep, I'll just pile-drive him and give the party enough time to deal with the warriors.">Rolls successfully, grats your metal armour in contact with the wizard stops him casting any more spells>I punch him to death>DM: "Grats, now you are at the bottom of a 20' sink hole in full plate." >No worries the rest of the party can pull me back up using the rope I tied round my waist before I jumped.>DM: "As you have 17 CON and are wearing full plate the druid, rogue and mage don't have enough strengh to pull you back up.>You drown. Good game
>>20108920Don't know. They never encountered a tarrasque so it never came up. Assuming she could get a bite out of a tarrasque without getting stomped to death, she'd probably puke up a mini-tarrasque.
>>20109070>puke up a mini-tarrasque.Aww, that adorably horrifying.Wait, idea:>slice of abit of her flesh>MAKE HER EAT IT>she pukes out mini-devouring lolis>repeat step 1 & 2 to each minis
Gm for black crusade. Player space marines get into fight with cultists. Old man npc in the party dies. They throw the body into the nearest house. Screams of "father" and "he's dead"Space marines carry on. Command the inhabitants to make a warp portal. Keep in mind they killed the father. Expect nothing to go wrong. Greater demon of khorne summoned. They die. Also, later in the campaignThey jack a corrupted land raider. They ride it onto an imperial troop transport. Extreme luck, and the ship is taken over. They kill the navigator. They destroy the gellar field. The gellar field. That keeps out demons. While in the warp.
This one was partially my fault since I don't always keep trac of the things I make up on the fly>Party gets a psychic message from two elves who need help breaking their comrades from a dwarven/gnommish prison.>Elves try to paint themselves as freedom fighters, but it's clear that they and their comrades are terrorists trying to dupe the PCs>All on boat to the prison, the boat gets harpooned and is being reeled into the harbor. >I was hoping it would go kind of like A New Hope where they could beat up some guards and steal their uniforms, or just attack their way through, or just surrender and pretty much be taken straight to their destination but have to get their confiscated gear back.>Group member instead opts to jump out of the boat and swim to shore while the boat is being reeled in.>Group agrees>Remind him that he's playing a 400 lb undead fire demon, and that he can't float.>Tries to drown the elves, even though I needed them alive for that part.>Tell him that the elves are incredibly buoyant, and can't drown>"I use the elves as floatation devices"He also initmidated his way through a guard barracks and zombified another barrack to fight his way to the wardens.I didn't want to let him go through with it but there was no reason not to.
>>20109121How in the fuck did they ride a corrupted Land Raider anywhere near a loyalist troop transport? What did they do, drive casual-like with a fake moustache over the corruption?
>>20109105...Dear lord. you could make a tarrasque manufacturing factory with one of her...Well. I know what i'm doing for my next campaign.
Shadowrun 4e>Evade enemy commandos after us by dressing up and pretending to be Russian CommandosDidn't work>Sell our Technomancer to a Yakuza princess then steal him back laterSorta worked we ended up in a slow boat to Taiwan but it workedD&D 3.5>Everyone grab a baby and run while waving it over our heads. The Guards won't shoot babies.Worked somewhat.
>>20109105That's horrifying. She'd make an army of self replicating loli gremlins that could copy anything....Imagine if a necromancer got a hold of one. He could make an army of mini skelecopters and skeleton wheels and then wage mini wars with his necrobro's as a pastime while they discuss their plans for global domination.It would also lead to leaps and bounds in skelecomputing as the new small parts would allow for same complexity but on a smaller scale. Behold, the birth of the era of personal skelecomputing thanks to the works of the ancient liches Billantius Gatius and Stephano Applante.
>>20109349Whoops, it should be Stephano Jobias
>>20109349>.Imagine if a necromancer got a hold of one. He could make an army of mini skelecopters and skeleton wheels and then wage mini wars with his necrobro's as a pastime while they discuss their plans for global domination.So, liches are fatguys using mini skeletons as figures?Damn, that devouring loli is amazingly versatile
Game: Vampire the Requiem Characters: 2 Ventrue who know all of jack-shit about technologyWhat Happened: We break into convention center to take a look at security recordings. Break into security room. Ventrue 1 says "You did good hacking that security system last month, do it again" Me (with my computer 1) "Ok". Attempts to hack system and FAILS horribly and alarms go off. Ventrue "DO SOMETHING!" Me Uhm fuck..." pulls out pistol and shoots console. Console sparks starting fire. Both of us frenzy and run away. Later back at the car "Let's just forget that this ever happened. It didn't happen"
>>20109105And so, the technology of nanobots in one's bloodstream was perfected prior to electricity being understood.
>>20108218I had a Warforged Artificer that worked similarly... paid a shitton of gold and had DM approval to have a mini extra-dimensional space in his chest cavity in which his Homunculous could work on projects. So he would unhinge his jaw, drop down items to be deconstructed (adding gp/xp to his pool), then would open his stomach like a stove and pull out the item a few days/weeks later.It was awesome. Ruined the mind of one of the other player characters though.
>>20109567That sounds much more logical than what I did. Now I kinda feel bad.
This was me. Pretty sure I'm not going to top that for a while
>>20109867Thank you for giving me my BBEG.
>>20109867lolwhat were you thinking?
>>20109105
>>20109493That's kind of dumb, but in a good way. It occurs to me that you handled that well from a role playing stand point. I could picture that in my mind and it was funny.
>>20109867If the radiance of a thousand suns were to burst at once into the sky, that would be like the splendor of the Mighty One... I am become Death, the Shatterer of Worlds.
>>20109493>both of us frenzy and run awayI wish my group would turn WoD into buddy vamp movies.
>>20109349>>20109105The self-replicated loli army discussion made me remember that one of this girl's older sisters can do that. She almost single-handedly destroyed a city that way.
>>20109990>No bending.
>>20106869Wai- wai- wai- waitthis may be too late to comment, but-You didn't mention picking up Urist Ship-Suplexer from the ocean. Did you, just..?
In a sealed room with a fire slowly killing us via smoke.There were five of us in total.'' All right, we've come to a decision via majority that we toss the gasoline can onto the fire in hopes of the door blowing off. Making our escape''*My character grabs two PC's and shields himself with the two, in one of the corners of the room after hearing the groups plan as they quickly toss half a container of gasoline on the fire, the gasoline being sealed and all, it takes a few seconds for it to blow.*The obvious happened.The gasoline absolutely lit the entire room on fire, sending shrapnel through the room as it exploded, piercing everyone except for me, hiding behind my comrades and then making the great and lulzy escape being the only one left somewhat alive after the great shitfest I make a run for the woods to escape my captivators. The PC's that all died, called the DM 'That Guy' for being too harsh on the retards throwing a can of gasoline onto a fire in a closed room.
Lawful good Paladin who would do no wrongCut out eye and put in vecna's eyeturn to ash 3 sessions later.
>>20108991>DM: "As you have 17 CON and are wearing full plate the druid, rogue and mage don't have enough strengh to pull you back up.That's some bullshit. 3 people have more than enough strength to pull a conscious man in full plate out of water. Especially when one of them can turn into an animal.And what does CON have to do with weight? It's just how resilient you are.
>>20109937In my defense I'm pretty sure I have brain damage that causes me to build these things.I built the world's first mobile inn as wellAnd a starship...3 different games and at least one GM has basically refused to take any diagrams I hand him and treats any construction project I've suggested like he heard the words "Large wooden badger"
>>20107062Noob here, what's WoD?
>>20110162In a darkened room far below a cloaked mage tower, a young girl awakens to find herself chained to a table. Before she can clear her mind, an low gravelly voice comes from her side."Ah, awake at last. Splendid. I was worrying on how I was going to make you eat and puke while asleep. It has been so long that I have liberated myself from that weak prison of flesh that I have forgotten how it works. No matter, you are awake now, and that solves that problem".The source of the voice becomes apparent as a lich hovers closer to the table. It face nothing more than a weathered, grinning skull, moves closer to the face of the young girl strapped to the table"No screams? No questions? No cries of mercy? Well, well, well, quite the stoic one arent you?"The little one makes no sound at this, and continues to stare at the lich with a blank, unchanging expression. Silence stretches between the 2, and despite having lost his face and most of his unliving flesh, an outside viewer would feel as if the lich is raising an eyebrow to the odd curiosity he has captured.Soon enough, the lich interrupts this with a wave of his bony hand. "Ah well, that will only make the operation quicker and more quiter. In fact, I'd wish most of my subjects where like you. " The powerful undead continues to ramble as it rummages through things outside the vision of the girl.
>>20110414World of DarknessWhite Wolf's setting where you take the real world, make it shittier, and add supernatural beings working behind the scenes.
>>20110429"Most of them screamed and squirmed and trashed on the table, damaging it sometimes. That's not very nice of them, Im quite fond of this table. Its where I lost my frail body, and gained this perfection of magic and bone. But I digress, we have an operation to perform do we not, young one?"As the lich reappears to the girls eyes, it holds a decayed rib. Besides the decaying flesh hanging off its weatherd surface and its putrified smell, the boneseems to pulsate with dark energy, as if it was alive. But before the girl could make any more observations, the lich quickly opens her mouth. It is then thatshe saw that the once cavernous chest the lich possessed is now missing a single rib."Now deary. Say AHHHH . . ."
>>20110440Ah, thanks bro!
>Go into final BBEG room>It's a vampire lich dude who has raised an obsidian fortress of the dead>Yes, vampire lich. >Huge ass beating heart in the center of the massive room hanging from chains >Archer pulls out his adamantine-tipped arrows, asks what the AC of the chains is >I'm playing a bashycleric, replacing the Fighter who left>Me and the vampire are under the heart>Turns out that the blood in the heart is so totally evil it turns you to stone>Get the thing dropped on me and the vampire"Welp." >Get turned to stone, meet an Avatar of Kord >"So how'd you die?" >Tell him >He laughs his ass off>They try to revive me>"Fuck no, I'm fine where I am."
>>20110429>>20110443Creator of the magic item recycling loli. Not sure if I should be flattered or creeped out.
>>20110494Both, now that Recycle Loli has been added to our fowl facsimile of the internet made out of Pain and Undeath, otherwise known as our "Skeletonpunk" setting.
>>20110443>>20110429
I wish I could make an awesome greentext story for this pic but turns out I don't have the skill
>>20110598>Any story involving a party + Bard ever
>>20110443The girl awakens in yet another room, but this time the room is not dark. Torches ring the walls of the small cubicle, 2 meters in height and span. A small door leads out of the room into a long corridor lined with the same torches. But all of these goes unnoticed to the girl as she begins to heave and puke.The girl's once stoic face starts to squint and sweat in pain as inhuman amounts of green putrid liquid escapes from her mouth. distantly, she hears the lich's voice echo thought the corridors."Hmm, it would seem that I overdid it a bit. Pity, and here I thought I finally perfected the formula. Ahh well, back to the -"The lich suddenly stops as something far more solid that vomit is ejected from the girls mouth. The figure, covered in puke, reveals itself to be a skeleton, albeit a smaller version of one. The girl would have thought that it came from a young gnome, but she was too preoccupied with heaving her guts."Aha! There was still hope after all! Splendid, absolutely splendid! With this, I shall finally be able to put the finishing touches on Deep Rot! Marvelous. Now, be a good dear and follow the corridor out. Thats a good girl ">wish I had the time to draw this
>>20110604Oddly enough, I'm pretty sure they won
>>20106387I had a plan that was remarkably similar to that in the Star Wars RPG that involved planetary defense lasers. Nobody went for it.
>>20110607Post the story again tomorrow? It's high time we had a proper Skelenet thread.If you can draw this, I will make a voodoo doll of you and put into a box rose petal and sugar.
>be objectivist dwarves in Burning wheel>find lost dwarven city>Oh fuck a dragon>what do, there is only two of us and we not fighters>ME: I will convince the dragon to buy a Skyscraper!>other player facepalms>all of my KARMA!!!! (and forks)>9 successes>Dragon is really fucking sold on buying a skyscraper>get killed by my ally>because: ebil>ally now alone with a dragon>attmpts to solo the dragon using his indiana jones whip>fails by one success
>Goblin rides the Minotaur everywhere, Minotaur uses him as a projectile weapon>Need to cross a chasm to escape, Minotaur tries to throw the Goblin across>Nat 1>Goblin barely makes the check to escape the Minotaur's grip before he gets ditched vertically down the hole
>>20110607The girl slowly stumbles out of the room and into the long corridor. The journey proved slow, even though the corridor ran straight and true. Every minute or so, the girl heaves yet another skeleton, which proceeds to follow behind in grim parody of a group of ducklings following its mother. In what felt like ages to the girl, the corridor ended. Light blinded her as she emerged from the tunnel, but what followed soon after completely shocked her.Before her was a massive cave, larger than anything she ever thought possible. The ceiling , supported by pillars of rock the size of giant oaks, soared high above her, higher than most towers in the great city she once called home. Platforms of metal, wood and stone span the many pillars that support the cave, arranged in a bizarre yet oddly patterned way, like those of an architect gone mad. She could see movement on the platforms, and from here came her second shock.Skeletons lined the platforms, some standing, some lying, some complete and some not. There are some that are only heads, and the girl could spy meters upon meters of spine and interconnected arms joining these platforms like some of white bony vine. As she beheld the wonder in front of her, a great booming voice, unmistakably that of the lich, echoes through the cavern"Ahh come young one! Welcome, welcome to Deep Rot!"
>>20110667I'll try later this night (or morning depending on your time).Might as well right it ALL down.But before I even think of making this, I must ask:Is it even any good? I would not want to post shitty writing on tg and add to the shit that seems to clog the board every now and then
>>20110778I enjoy it. Keep on writing, deliver more write faggotry to us.
>>20110778I won't lie to you, it's nothing poetic, but it is definitely up to snuff for /tg/, and I'm enjoying it.Post on!
>>20110778Yes. Yes it is.Very good.
>>20110807>>20110809>>20110810Thank you comrades. I shall try to finish this amateurish write faggotry of mine later.Hopefull by that time I would have finished my work so I could drawfag a bit.
>>20110778Creator of Recycle Loli again. I'm enjoying the hell out of it.
This is from the now infamous Pimps in Space campaign. Haven't heard of it? Google "Pimps In Space Collected Visions"In the run from the inquisition because we killed a planetary governor (another horrible story), we land on a fairly out of the way planet. We are surrounded by Dark Eldar, who want us to clear out an eldar settlement in exchange for them making sure that no Eldar or Dark Eldar would be on the planet (essentially our new bse of operations). As they are walking away, the Rogue Trader decides he desperately needs an Agonizer. After 20 minutes of us yelling not to do it and him being a complete retard, he gave up the Eldar Farseer we captured (who I totally wanted to become a major NPC of the crew) and an 'unconditional favor'.>Dark Eldar>Unconditional Favor>mfw
>Playing Cthulhu Invictus>Find crate full of severed testicles>Sanity rolls>Idea: carry crate around, use as mobile sanity weaponPretty much every guard we needed to get by got a glimpse into our box of danglers. Also, later>Assasinated a man with a pet dark young>Scooby dooing it away from the guards around a gladitorial pit with said dark young in it>Our Finder has an idea>Dumps the testicle crate hes been carrying the whole game>Guards slip on them like squishy marbles, fall all over each otherPosted this before but it still makes me chuckle. As we left the finder looked at us triumphantly and proclaimed "I TOLD you it would be useful"
bump for more horror stories
>>20114359What the actual fuck
Pretty much every Shadowrun story ever could fit into this thread. One of mine:>Group is trying to hijack a semi>Luck-based martial arts Edge master is waiting on top a nearby building>Rest of party has made a barricade with friendly gang for an ambush>Semi arrives, stops at the barricade, Lucky realizes he doesn't actually have any guns>"...I jump">He survives, as we expected, and falls right through the cab's roof>Crushes passenger and kills driver, right as the rest of us start attacking the semi's guard vehicles>"Wait wait, I'm in the cab!">Gang leader owns a bar, at which Lucky has a very, very large tab>Gang leader: "Open fire on the semi!">PCs are all distracted fighting mooks, can't stop the sheer storm of bullets from shredding the semi to pieces>Lucky has to burn an Edge point to keep from dying, ends up losing an armI love Shadowrun
>>20107062I didn't ask for this.
I loved the Hilga threads, so I always include a Hilga in my campaigns. For the uninitiated:Hilga is an old hag, and she owns a shoppe of curriosities. She will give you anything, so long as you can pay the price. She might make you lose your sense of sight for the ability to read minds, or forget a fond memory of love for a love potion.Anyways, my group decided they wanted a map of hell like the map from harry potter (I'm the DM from the 7 levels of hell thread), I told them for them to know death so intimately they must forget a memory of life. Like a fond memory of your sister when she was alive or your your parents before they died.They wouldn't trade.So they asked for a mask that makes the wearer a chicken. Yep. A chicken. I told them all Hilga required was their grandma's BBQ chicken recipe.Well, let me tell you, that mask has greatly impacted every roleplay situation since. Either they wear it and say one of our clerics is their pet chicken, or they use it to fly to heights they couldn't otherwise reach, or they use it to run away frmo combat. It broke the game in a wonderful RP-rich way. I love it, but it was stupdi at the time.
>>20115928To add context, there was a cult worshipping a fertility god. For men to be permitted to the temple, they had to be eunics. The leftovers from the surgery were used as offerings to said god.Our buddy who ran it is a classics major with a big focus on rome so I have no doubt there was some level of historical accuracy. Either that or it was part of the adventure details.
>>20114359>using severed testicles like squishy marbles>mfw
Ecclipse Phase>Players investigating a town in the path of a rogue heavy war bot on Mars>Find a facility doing strange sorts of pre-Fall research>The facility responds to orders via a numeric system. ie: "Open blast doors, 2.5-1-1 or Deactivate primary reactor 0-4.5-0">Eventually figure out that it's a vote being held by 4 facility directing infomorphs, three very toned down AIs and one transhuman infomorph whose been stuck here since before the fall and is very much crazy by now.>Anyway, the core holds one more AGI in a specialized computer. Basically, it's designed to keep her out of everything and is ready to dump her mind at the drop of a hat. Other than the crazy guy she's the only one with any personality, and she spends most of her time tormenting the guy because she's a little bitter about being able to do little more than work a couple of cameras and talk.>She'll be important later though
>>20115928>>20116868>>20116871>>20114359Oh god. I was reading it as tentacles. This is much worse.
>>20116950>They explore the facility and find some crazy shit, including a machine designed to basically turn commanding a shitload of sleeves with puppet socks in them into an RTS>Then they find the theoretical weapons lab where one of the players picks up the Q.E.G.>Somehow or another one of them accurately guesses what this stands for.>Quantum>Entanglement>Gun>The thing basically tricks solid matter into behaving as if bits of it share quantum properties with exotic matter stored within the gun itself.>The issue is that it's basically jury rigged all to hell (no one here was a xeno anthropologist and so they never figured out that it was basically alien tech)>Anyway, the one thing they managed to accurately make it do was convince solid objects that their atoms were no longer bonded. As in, they turned it into a disintegrator.>Needless to say some of the players were a bit worried about it but they kept using it anyway
>>20117105>They eventually split up. One of them takes over the RTS machine (known as the Overlord Device) and starts running a bunch of combat ready bodies around the facilityNote: By now the security system has been turned off and apart from one pre-fall scientist who had inhabited one of the war morphs and needed to be rebooted they'd met NO ONE not a single person other than the AIs.>Still, they arm up like it's WWIV in the making.>Eventually some of the morphs are piloted to the central AI cluster, which releases a blast of static sound and several of the monitors start showing weird flashes of color and light. Basically a poor man's basalisk hack, designed just for these particular morphs.>No one figures, hey, maybe we should really check in with the AIs and figure out which one fucking did that>Instead it's just 'let's fuck up some killer robots!' So they team up with the scientist and go robot hunting>Eventually the guy with the QEG decides he wants to turn it up a notch. (note, he has no idea what a notch even constitutes because he knows not a damn thing about quantum physics)>Puts out mesh request on the system's standard board for an instruction manual.>Gets several preformatted files for the gun from an anonymous source>Fuck it, we're sticking in the one with the largest file size!mfw
>>20117197>He runs into some of the now murderous war machines and fires the QEG. It shoots a tiny spark out that hits one of the bots. Then engulfs the area in a flash of blinding light. It whips out a reasonable chunk of the facility, the QEG, and naturally the guy who was holding it.>Basically, it created a very small and very short-lived universe whose whole reason was to run one universe scale computation. No one bothers to figure out who was listening for the last signal it spit out before it collapsed on itself.>A lot of the murder bots are dead by now and the PCs are ready to get out while the getting is good>Decide that they're going to smash the Overlord device because 'hey, it could be evil'>Right before they leave one of the players goes 'hey, let's save that nice AI lady we met earlier' and does so, letting her hitch a ride in his ghostride module while they all escape.>They eventually expose the members of a megacorp who were planning on using that 'out of control' warbot to drive barsoomian colonists out of the area around the facility so they could reclaim itI know, it's kind of a longwinded story and you may be wondering where I'm going with this. Don't worry, next post I'll give you the tl;dr synopsis of how badly they fucked themselves
>>20117275The rundown:1. They freed an experimental AI without even checking up on what she was. Turns out she's an experiment in 'distributed intelligence'. She's a hive mind made up of many copies of herself. Basically, think a million monkeys with a million typwriters. Given enough time to spread she's every bit as bad as a seed AI2. They let the other AIs, who knew what she was, get destroyed in the facility break down3. They helped get rid of the company who made her, thereby removing her requirements to actually listen to anyone (no one's in charge of her but her)4. The bit where the QEG created one brief quantum calculation? That was her figuring out how to entangle the different versions of herself for use over long distances5. They're STILL buddy buddy with herThe players wonder why the BBEG is always one step ahead of them, why I'm railroading them so bad, and why nothing they do ever works out.Let me tell you guys: It's because the BBEG is riding around in one of your heads. You've ensured that there are copies of her in most of human space, all forming one massive hyper intelligent mind. She's playing you all like a goddamn fiddle and this roleplay is going to end in every one of you paladins falling if you don't realize this soon.
>>20117054Other notables in that adventure.>Doctor in party>Rolled max wealth>Says its because hes Caesar's physician>Puts few points into status>We treat him like a crazy old man the whole game>Even after staying in his massive villa full of "concubines">Each concubine is refered to by function rather than name>Clockubine>Cookubine>Bedbunkubine (which was actually several. They couldn't hold up the person making use of them so he essentially just slept on a mish-mashed pile of whores)Later, the finder tries to infiltrate the cult temple by delivering the crate of nads>Shows up>Gets in the door>Is told he must be inspected>Asked to disrobe>"I roll to conceal my junk">Critical success>Somehow tucks it back in such a way, no one finds it>Does the buffalo bill waddle through the place>Finds the spot where the cultists are doin their thing>Lot of naked folks>Also Jaguars>Another conceal roll because of movement>Fails it>They notice>"HES NO EUNIC!">Grabs the trunk and books it>We see him run out buck ass naked shouting "THEY HAVE FUCKING JAGUARS IN THERE WHAT THE FUCK RUN"I get with all the dick humor it seems childish but we were all having a blast and our GM ran it extremely well considering it was the first game he ever ran.
>>20117377That finder was the luckiest son of a bitch in Rome, he was just frequently thrown into terrible situations. >Looking for gladiator trainer in shitty tavern>Knock on door to back room>Immediately grabbed and thrown>Find self in ring surrounded by gamblers>Huge shirtless guy walks in and cracks knuckles>Finder is built for stealth not brawling>ohshit.jpg>Gladiator literally misses every attack>Get told to surrender before he actually connects>Every punch of mine connects>Shame professional prizefighter who is dragged offWe were later told that one punch from the guy with 85% in fist could have knocked me unconscious.
>>20117377>Bedbunkubine (which was actually several. They couldn't hold up the person making use of them so he essentially just slept on a mish-mashed pile of whores)I almost choked on my lunch. Gah damn, Anon.
>>20118317That was fantastic. Then there was the doctor's diversion in the woods.>Guard patrols everywhere in the woods leading to BBEG's villa>Need a diversion>Doctor strips down, comes onto the path spouting gibberish I can't remember>Holds out his hand to the guards and says "More opium please">Falls over backwards>Gives me and the Finder enough time to slit the throats on 2 of the 4 guards>Combat is a shit show of us constantly missing while the nude doctor jumps on one guard's back to keep him occupied
>>20118680I want to take the brain of your doctor's player and absorb its essence, so that I may become half as creative as that.
>>20118768You may regret that one. He has the ability to piss off every npc he talks to within 45 seconds. It's as if he projects some kind of hate field.
>>20118848All the best ones do, Anon.All the best ones do.>Success, rougeeliAnd with his brain I shall make a rouge!
>>20107390C4 doesn't work that way.
>D&D 4E>Party has to clear out a mansion in five minutes *real time*, after the caster conjures a distraction and is putting on magic tricks for the guards.>Clearing shit out, the psion finds the governer's wife>Basically described as a white-haired MILF>"I give her sex dreams">"No shit?">"No shit.">18>Whelp congrats man you gave her a sex dream, what now?>"Continue reading her mind and banging her in her sleep">Nat 1>Meanwhile out in front of the mansion the sorc is doing prestidigitation>Holding up like seventeen fingers at once>"How many fingers am I holding up?">Nat 1 kicks in, psion;"how many fingers indeed?">Sorc starts crying
>>20119676It does when you work in ACTION MOVIE logic.
>>20118680Nude Diversions only work 2 out of 3 times.
Post-apocalyptic RPG...sort of. Almost everyone just vanishes, and it's like a week later.Our party consists of three people - me, the genius-bruiser-glacier (it makes sense in context); the super-agile smart-talking ranger-type guy; and Mr. Average, the Everyman. This put Average in the position of being the weakest fighter, and anticipating a lot of hungry domesticated dogs who wouldn't mind taking a bite out of us.Long story short, I make some ludicrous intelligence checks to create a self-powered ultrasonic canine repellent device we called the "Dog Botherer", and it worked perfectly. And I did this in the same session where I bruised myself by failing to dropkick a chihuahua.Upcoming events - we try to mark our location/lure predators into a trap using an entire shops' worth of fireworks in one go, and fight photosensitive nocturnal creatures using solar spotlights.
Bump for loli skeleton factory.
Okay, so, here's a story of retardationBeyond level 20, our epic campaign got into some cheese. 2 party members (brothers) pooled their resources, and bout a flying ship. Made of Adamantine. That could go into space. And had a cargo hold. Then, they went and found a tarrasque, knocked it unconscious, and held it in the cargo hold. It constantly took enough damage to stay unconscious. The two then decided to orbital strike, WITH A TARRASQUE, anyone who decided to fuck with us. It would fall from orbit, hit the ground, EXPLODE and not die because it's a fucking tarrasque, wake up next round, and proceed to fuck shit up.My dm had no problems with this.
Oh I got this one. Strongly divine game, party had a god with them (botched summoning so she acted like normal mostly). Anyway, cursed wind in this region gave people negative energy cancer, two party members cured the negative energy out of an npc, the other said 'nope still cursed'. They fed the npc booze and passed out- waking up the god does her wide-area heal to banish their collective hangovers.They get to the npc's home village and tell the shaman 'oh yeah we cured him', the shaman says 'yep ya did, that's awesome, come cure our chief' and they said 'no trouble'. Now the party kinda ditched the god, went to the chief and cured the negative energy stuff, this nearly kills him, and then get him drunk until he passes out on much harder liquor than the villagers have. (good plan one, give the terminally ill man hard liquor).They don't explain that one of their party has special healing power, instead they get the shaman hungover and the chief near-death. It ended with a game reboot.
the party goes into a house with evil markings all over it, one of the other players finds a kid crying, asks the kid if shes ok, she replies no, the player then immediately without hesitation turns around and starts pissing all over the wall, where the kid can see him, the kid then turns out to be a demon and nearly kills the entire party.
>Party needs to kill someone>It's a good party, so and they're hunting a evil person>A scythe wielder in the party is a follower of an evil deity whom has been wronged by the person the party is after, so the party allows them to join, despite being evil.>Party comes across a little girl in front of a burning town, crying>Rest of party tries to console her>Evil person then walks up, and attacks her, stating "Looks like someone didn't finish the job". Rolls a nat 20 and confirms to kill on the little girl.>Turns out the little girl was the person they were going to try and kill, and the evil person just accidentally killed the boss several sessions before they should have.DM raes
Cutting the evil head off a two headed giant in an attempt to free it from evil influence
Jumping a wall to a fortress just to see if she could
This was while playing Geist from world of darkness>Roleplaying a corrupt cop, asked to upload a ghost virus onto police network>All going well till the point I'm accessing the computer>GM makes me roll to insert Usb into computer>Fail>I miss inserting, 2nd attempt.>Fail>3rd Attempt, Dramatic fail. Break Usb and ruin planmfw
Party member Min/Maxing Himself into slavery
I was about to call bullshit on your story teller making you roll to put in a usb, then i remembered how many times i tried and failed to do that task.
>>20127275I have to admit, it was my first rpg ever, my character failed, Alot.Was and still is hilariousAnother good story was when, in the same rpg, we were going up against a rather pissed off enemy.running up the stairs i fail a roll and the fall down 2 levels while the other character gets a massive success and round house kicks the enemy in the face killing him instantly.What made it the kicker was he jumped through the door, didn't even touch the floor, and kills him then lands.
>Angry vampire screaming at PC>PC puts her hand over its mouth to shut it up>In this setting, Vampires have teeth describable as "Mouths full of swords"
>>20127192I know that adventure pack D:
>>20117054OH GOOD LORD I WAS READING IT AS TENTACLES UNTIL I SAW YOUR POST!WHYYYY!?
>our party is traveling to the nation's capital to deliver a message to the king>we forget to have anyone keep watch over our camp in the woods our first night, and we're ambushed by bandits>our ranger was already sleeping naked, so he decides to show off how manly he is by fighting naked>one of his testicles gets shot off>he recovers it after the fight and asks me, a low level druid, if I can reattach it>"Oh gods no. You have two for a reason.">he literally carries "Lefty" everywhere we go and stops in every town and city to see if there's a healer who can reattach it>he finally finds a healer in the capital who manages to "barely" reattach the mummified, nonfunctioning testicle>he couldn't be more satisfied
Good morning, you most wonderful thread
>>20128061Something like this happened to our crossbowman, except he paid carts of gold for getting his testicle to work fully (he had to ask the wizard to cast gentle repose on his scrotum now and then, for obvious reasons).By the end of the campaign arc, he found a druid that chopped off the infected, CURSED, charred by dragonfire thing, and casted a powerful regeneration spell on him that caused the lost ball to grew back and his maleness in general to increase its size/potency.Player knew all of this.His answer?>I attack the druid, not with my weapon, but with my fist; aim right for the mouth.DM is shitting question marks>WTF, Why would you do that? He grew your ball back for free!Player looks as us as if he was psycho high or something.>I asked him for a simple thing! To make my testicle a working organ again! What am I supposed to do with this one?Don't remember exactly how it happened, but the guy now has three working balls.
While running a fallout game the party runs into the first of many feral ghouls. The one party member decides to rush the ghoul and jam a live grenade in his chest. The ghoul grabs him and takes him to the ground after several checks. The rest of the group run from the impending explosion. Then he says the one thing that really ticks me off in games, "I lied though, I don't even have grenades, it was a can of peaches the whole time." The "can of peaches" magically turn into the "can of grenades." I figured death wouldn't be a fitting end for his incompetence so I made sure the explosion merely crippled both of his legs to force his party to carry his ass through the hordes of ghouls.
>>20130761On a positive note, it gave me an awesome idea of how to make ghouls a LOT more scary.
>kill 5 high ranking rebel leaders, bringing their heads back to the guard, along with the prince who's been kidnapped by bandits for 5 years>wait the night at the castle, plan to turn in the heads in the morning>in the morning see the prince being escorted off by some guards>instantly assume guards are corrupt, storm into courtyard to question captain>he tells us we're crazy, and if we have the heads we can give them to him>sorceror says NO, WE NEED TO KILL THEM ALL>starts casting sleep on all of the 30 guards standing around>captain says please stop, this is doesn't need to happen>sorceror casts magic missile right in his stupid guard faceThe captain walked up to him, and cut him right in half, then arrested us all for being accomplices
