Yesterday, was your first day at Hartesville High School, in the redneck-est part of North Carolina. You're 17 years old, and your family just moved here from rural China, where your dad was a rice farmer, but your American uncle died, and you're now a family of resteranteurs. Today's your first day of high school in America. You don't speak a word of English, and you're wearing mismatched clothes donated by a local church, with words and slogans you don't understand. It's 7:30 and the school bus has just pulled up in front of your house. What do you do /tg/?>capcha "handing" fillude. Waaah?
Run up to the bus and yell "I DUN WAN NO TRABBLE"
This shit had better play out with "Kung Fu Hustle" levels of extreme-ness, OR ELSE, OP.
I'll wake up at four o'clock in the morning to ready myself for school by fetching water for my father, doing daily excersizes and mentally preparing myself for the day ahead.
Why the fuck did my family move to america and then enroll me in school before I knew a single word of English?This is stupid. You're stupid. Dumb, stupid dumb.
>>19131182You run up to the bus driver, and do your best to communicate that you've come in peace. The overweight black bus driver grunts at you and points towards the back, and you swear you hear him say some words that sound like "Dayam Zha Pa Ni Zu". You look for an empty seat on the bus, but it looks like they all have at least one muscular white farm boy in them. You walk to the nearest seat, where a kid is sprawled out, taking up the entire bench.
>>19131247Sit on guy taking up bench.Tell him we dun wan no trabble.
>>19131182This.
>>19131258
>>19131247Sit down next to the weakest kid on the bus, even if there's already another weak kid there.
>>19131158"Chinaman" is not the preferred nomenclature
>>19131287The chinaman's not the issue!
>>19131258The bus starts moving and you hurry to sit down. You begin sitting down on the seat you're next, but unlike in your native Fujian, the boy doesn't move to clear his seat. How impolite.As you sit on him, he shoves you off, spilling you and your books onto the ground. "Faggot! Git da fuck off me".You don't know what he said, but he seems quite hostile. You meant no disrespect, and he assaulted you.What do?
>>19131247I really hope we know Kung Fu.Search for a place to sit. Maybe at the back of the bus. Preferably not with muscled white devils
>>19131303WE. DUN. WAN. NO. TRABBLE.
>>19131287While I respect your concern, as a Chinese immigrant with a degree in anthropology, I think I earned my right to outdated racial slurs.
>>19131303Our family taught us never to use our martial arts in anger, only in defense of ourself and the innocent. Find another seat with as much calm as possible.
>>19131303Tell him that we don't want no trouble and assume kung fu stance.
>>19131303>You begin sitting down on the seat you're next, It's supposed to be the character you're writing who doesn't know English, OP, not you.
>>19131303Time to show him the fight of our people.... or perhaps not. Lets do this >>19131318Unless they do want to fight you, then we show our glorious martial ways
>>19131303"I DUN WAN NO TRABBRU"proceed to kick his white ass
>>19131316It's a refference to this dumb coen brothers movie, don't bother.
>>19131336>dumb>Coen BrothersThere is no such thing.
they are all going to eat you alivejust like prison you gotta show these fucks who's bossdo a loose backhand punch to his eyes and then knee him in the groinwant us to roll?
>>19131331Exactly, we play the somewhat quiet immigrant who is trying to fit in. Then they start preying on one of the only friends we've made in our time here, they hit him and we knock them to the ground and humiliate them in front of everyone.I'm thinking we are rather good at Bajiquan and Piquaquan.
>>19131318Deciding that it would quite arrogant to use your family's art against this barbarian, you search for a new seat with a more peaceful inhabitant. Towards the back, you find a quiet looking boy with dark skin and a head full of woolly hair. This is the second time you've seen a 黑鬼 in real life, and you'd like to make friends with him. You've learned much of his rich culture through dubbed blaxploitation films your family used to watch, and understand that your people go way back.
>>19131356Befriend the Shogun of Harlem. Show him utmost respect.
>>19131356>>19131368"I DUN WAN NO TRABBLE"
>>19131356Bow deeply to respect this Black Dynamite. Try to communicate with him in the little English we know.Man we're resteranteurs, we probably have the most bitching lunch in our bag and can cook better than almost every other student.
play it cooldon't try to rap or something, instead give him a slow nod
>>19131368Much as Liu Bei needed allies when he was in the strange lands of the north, so too do you need friends in this barbaric place. The hei gui next to you appears to be quite a scholar, reading a work of great length. As a peace offering, and to show your similar scholarly prowess, you present to him a piece of pleasure reading you brought along that celebrates the great culture the two of you share, a Manhua comic adaptation of Rush Hour."My name is Lu Xianbei. I want friends like Jackie and Chris. Your honorable name?"
whatever his name, have him tell us to call him Afro
>>19131356> 黑鬼What the hell is a 黑鬼?
>>19131419Given that we're in redneck land we ought to be able to band together if only for the ostracism we share.>>19131459Nigger
>>19131459Bilingual bonus.>>19131439The boy turns to you with a smile and looks at your comic with amusement. He says some things you don't quite understand, but you make out that his name is Edward Terrance Johnson III, but everyone calls him EJ. The boy in front turns around and interrupts your conversation. "That nigger's name ain't EJ. It's Afro."The two of you disregard him and leaf through your comic book together, as you point out interesting action poses the two protagonists strike. You discover that he shares some knowledge and interest in the martial sciences. Time passes quickly, and before you know it, the two of you are at school.You step off the bus into the school yard, and realize you have no idea where you are going. Your new friend waves to you and vanishes into the building. What now?
>>19131540Follow our friend, this EJ shall serve as our guide in these barbaric lands. Even if he disappears into the crowd his afro shall shine light a lighthouse to show us the way. When we get to class try to be quiet, listen to conversations to increase our understanding of English and learn what we can from the revered teacher. We shall be a model student, if we aren't our family shall be disappointed.
>>19131540Are you the same guy who did that ghetto quest thing that turned awesome toward the end? Anyway, this >>19131563
don't be clingylook for more fellows to band together with and try to unite them all during lunch
>>19131563You panic for a moment, thinking that you're alone, but you see the shining beacon of EJ's afro among the crowd, and race after him on your nimble feet, swift as the monkey robbing the Emperor's garden.You follow EJ through the crowd to your first class. Now that you are no longer sitting, you realize how much taller the white devils are compared to you. In your rush to catch up to EJ, you run into a girl and knock her belongings out of her hands.
>>19131618did it ever keep going or finish?far as i remember he got out of a hispanic gangs house with a gun and jetted off
>>19131563This. We also need to try to get some jackie chan or bruce lee related attire.
>>19131618That was a different fellow. A scholar and a gentleman.
>>19131618Nope, haven't ever run a quest. I do sometimes have a way with words.>>19131631Apologize and help her gather her things back up. Then apologize again after her belongings are gathered and returned.
>>19131631Are we even in the same class as EJ?What the fuck are we even doing? Lets go see principal or something
>>19131631help the girl up and pick her things up then give her a smileshe'll either be our arch rival, ally, or potential main squeeze
>>19131631Apologize profusely and pick up her belongings for her.
>>19131662agreed, are we sure we're really in our class or just guessing?
>>19131642Unfortunately MorganFreeman never came back to finish it. Damn shame.
>>19131667make sure to bow a lot while doing so.
>>19131657You feel the deepest shame for inconveniencing this girl and help her gather her belongings. You apologize and bow deeply, but as you stand back up, you flash her a smile (in your village, you were always known for having the whitest and straightest teeth). This girl is prettier even than Xia YingHui, your childhood crush who you left behind. You extend your hand to her in greeting, but are interrupted by the boy who pushed you on the bus earlier. He seems quite angry and steps between the two of you, saying words you don't understand and placing her behind his broad, muscular back.
>>19131712He is dishonouring this woman, assume martial stance and say we don't want no trubble.
>>19131712We understand his reaction, though we believe it to be extreme. If we believed someone to be pursuing Xia Yinghui we would be quite annoyed as well.Smile in his direction, apologize once more to the woman behind him and find a nice seat for class.
>>19131712Slightly bow and slip by like a snake. Leave to find someone in charge to take you to your class.
While this strange barbarian has showed his rudeness again, you remember that your father taught you that the true warrior fights with politeness first. You bow and assume the stance "Rabbit Returns to Hole" and slip away. EJ is now gone, so you wander the building, looking for the bureaucrats who will guide you capably. You make your way to a man in a suit. By his greying hair and well groomed goatee, you know him to be quite venerable in the years. He must be a figure of authority.
>>19131777Bow politely and somehow ask for his help.
Approach him with your back already arched, showing preemptive respect to this venerated master of scholars. Introduce yourself and request assistance.
>>19131777Bow and introduce ourself as the new student from china. Show him whatever we have that identifies us (we do have something of the sort, right? Surely our parents did actually enroll us into the school)
You bow humbly before this man of authority, and present to him copies of the papers your family used to immigrate here. You cannot read them, but understand that they are important documents that request the aid of the white devil government on behalf of the glorious Middle Kingdom.He looks puzzled for a second, then leads you to his office. You sit down, and soon, he comes to you again, this time accompanied by a beautiful young Chinese girl in the finest clothing. She introduces herself to you in accented Shanghai Mandarin as Sally Zhang. You two are the only Chinese students at this school, and she helps you fill out your registration forms and will show you to your classes.
>>19131867>beautiful young Chinese girl in the finest clothingOh my.We should seek her out later to get more advice and help
>>19131867Thank her for her assistance. Tell her it is nice to meet someone who speaks the same language here, it has been confusing not to understand what is being said. After some small talk see if we might be able to wrangle some English lessons from her.
>>19131867Ask the beautiful young woman to teach us English.
Inquire as to the status of your compatriot, EJ, and his fine black curls. Then, head to class, hoping to your heathen god that she will also attend your classes, lest her translation boon be lost.
>This thread
>>19131914This
Sally takes you to your first class and introduces you to the math teacher. Before she leaves, you thank her for her help and ask her to help you with your English. She tells you that she's too busy, as captain of the cheer squad and president of the community service club, but that her gardener is also from Fujian Province, and if you stopped by her house and helped him out, he would probably be willing to give you English lessons. You take the first unoccupied seat in the classroom and settle in to math class. While the language is different, math is all the same. You learned this material years ago. Your history and chemistry classes flow by, and before you know it, it's lunch time. You're in the lunch room with the delicious meal your father prepared this morning.>seared duck in orange sauce>sticky rice with dried fruits and berries>steamed vegetables in garlic
>>19131158Dice roller motherfucker! Do you use it?
>>19131962That does sound good, if we see EJ invite him over and offer him some of our lunch, our father always make a bit much.
>>19131962Fuck yeah, motherfucker. Lets have delicious lunch.Actually lets search for EJ and have the meal together or something.
>>19131982Roll when you pick actions. Otherwise I'll arbitrarily pick results out of an imaginary hat.
>>19131998I prefer the "general consensus" way of running a quest to the dice rolling one, if it matters. >>19131990This
rolled 11 = 11Looking out onto the endless sea of white devils, do we spot that magnificent black beacon of a man and friend?ROLLAN JUST CAUSE
You quickly locate your distinctive new friend EJ in the packed room. You take the seat next to him. He's eating the school lunch, a strange concoction of tomato sauces and wheat flour that smells awful. Knowing that father always makes too much food because you should have plenty to eat as a growing boy, you share your lunch with EJ, who looks delighted. Unfortunately, some of the other kids have noticed how nice your lunch looks and smells. 3 boys who all vaguely look alike (many of these barbarians do) approach you and stand over the two of you eating. "Looks like two little faggots are having a little faggy picnic here. They should watch their diets. Maybe we can help them out by relieving them of their lunch..."
>>19132056Shoot them a glare that would make Lu Bu turn around and head the other direction. They are not touching our food.We're fine with them insulting us, but they are not allowed to fuck with our lunch, our father put quite a lot of work into becoming a good cook and making sure we were always properly fed.
>>19132056TRABBLE!WE DUN WAN IT!Propose a compromise as best we can. They haven't done anything to us to harm us, best let sleeping dogs lie.
>>19132056Food is a precious commodity in the homeland. Quickly try to ingest as much of your lunch as you can before the barbarians take further action.
>>19132056"I dun wan no trubble"
>>19132097No.We eat it slowly.We let them see how much we are enjoying it.We insist we don't want trouble.Worse comes to worse, we lead them to a supply closet full of chairs.And destroy them.
Damn, I hope to god this school has an ESL program... Look to EJ, in askance, not understanding what these bai guei are upset about but be prepared to defend and counter if necessary. These wang ba dan are not touching our food if that's what they're here for
rolled 36 = 36>>19132083this and if they try anything, we reserve the right to kick their asses
Father worked long and hard on this meal. He also worked long and hard teaching you not to be a coward. You did nothing wrong, merely shared a meal with a friend. You stare them down, and then pay them no heed, chewing happily and enjoying your food with EJ. He shows worry though, and tugs on your sleeve. You look up again and the three barbarians are surrounding your seat. The one who spoke reaches toward you. (for all upcoming and future kung fu, explain tactics and roll 100 for success)
rolled 89 = 89KEEK HIS BAWRUS
>>19132175Expert tactician.
rolled 54 = 54>>19132169He rushes without finesse. Re-direct his force into the second barbarian in a spinning motion, finishing with a kick to the third's jaw.
rolled 33 = 33>>19132169Grab his arm, make him overextend, slam his face into the table, and kick him in the ribs off the table.Then slide back, slip into a stance, and make a come-on gesture with our fingers together.
rolled 96 = 96>>19132169Let him grab us and pull us up, make sure it's clear that he made the first move. We want to be seen as the underdog to avoid trouble. Then lay a series of punches right down the center line of his body, nose, throat, gut, balls.
>>19132175
rolled 49 = 49Stand up and balance tray of food on top of head, then jump into the air and perform a scissor kick aimed directly for the assailant's nose.
rolled 73 = 73>>19132169Just before his hand reaches you, grab and break, like the weak shell of a crustacean. Pull arm back as to immobilize, elbow any of the other white devils if they lunge with our free arm.
rolled 74 = 74punch to the solor plexus a knee to the stomach and a kick to trip them updump some food on them if any teachers start to notice and declare that they fell and spilled water on themselves
I just want to salute OP's command of Chinese stereotype.>you wander the building, looking for the bureaucrats who will guide you capablymade me full on lol.
rolled 67 = 67>>19132169Perform a series of cartwheels, backflips and somersaults in a circle around the three white pigs while singing the national anthem of China as loudly as possible.
>>19132175While you may lack in language acquisition ability, you have always been a fit martial artist, hauling water for father's soups and scrapping with neighborhood boys to make your body strong.Even in this strange land, the laws of battle are the same. You size up this barbarian, whose limbs and chest are covered in layers of muscle and fat. Your blows would do little damage here. Instead, you spin and duck under his hand, and rise with a swift kick to his groin, using the ancient Baji Quan technique "Confused Lion Destroys the Grapes". You knock him backwards into his two allies and stun the three of them on the ground. You and EJ finish the last of your food and leave the trash on their chests. People clear the way as the two of you head together to art class. Afterwards, you go your separate ways to the last class of the day, PE.You get there a little bit late, because the gym is on the other side of the building. As you get there, you notice the other students divided into two armies, throwing balls at each other. You don't understand what's going on.
>>19132248>"Confused Lion Destroys the Grapes"Pick up a baseball and throw it as hard as possible towards the nearest girl, as a sign of affection.
Whatever the grab we use, could we apply a little chin na? either muscle/tendon splitting technique or joint lock. Maybe a combination of both. Also, let's just apply just enough force to make them understand we could have kicked their asses to hell and back without actually doing so. If father finds out, it's probably an extra 3 hours in zan ma on posts with incense under our ass and weights on our arms while trying not to spill the cups full of tea we're holding.
>>19132248Stand and observe for a short while, try to get the gist of the game before we get involved. Once we have a good idea of the game join in.
This is an obvious reference to the Sino-Mongol war. Find out which team represents the homeland and wipe the filthy barbarians off the map!
rolled 4 = 4jump in the middle and take out both sides by yourself
>>19132276this
>>19132263 oops. too late...>>19132248 Watch the proceedings for a little bit and try to grasp the rules of this activity.
>>19132276This.
You observe for a little bit, and recognize this as the white devil's preparation for battle, much as you and your childhood friends would play with ox dung in the town square. Each time a person is hit, he is shamed and banished from the game. You check the allignment of the sun, and choose the southern side, imagining yourself as the Emperor Hongwu, driving barbarians from Chinese lands. You defend yourself valiantly, eliminating three great barbarians, before their cannon-like arms riddle you with artillery like a Tibetan dissident.Your shame is alleviated though, as you share the bench of elimination with the girl who reminds you of little YingHui.
>>19132248Clearly this is a battle for territory by 2 rival clans, as the impartial pary it is your job to act as a mediator to end this bloodshed. Attempt to forge an armistice between the two sides.
>>19132324Chat up the ladies. They must have been impressed by your display of physical prowess. Father always says that the surest way to fatherhood is to win your trophies on the field of battle.
>>19132324It's okay. In time, after great many hours of practice we will surpass this challenge.
rolled 23 = 23>>19132324Attempt to court the female.
>>19132324>before their cannon-like arms riddle you with artillery like a Tibetan dissident>mfwAsk her if this is all we do in this class
>>19132324 Introduce yourself politely
>>19132341>>19132351We don't even speak their language what the hell do you want to do?Lets just sit and observe
>>19132343thisand this >>19132360
rolled 64 = 64>>19132351make the girl swoon for you, scott pilgrim style
Seizing the opportunity, you attempt to court this beautiful girl with the porcelain-like face and the large, peasant feet. You introduce yourself as Lu Xianbei, but as she struggles with your name, you choose an American name from the movies (pick a name /tg/)You try to make conversation, though it is difficult. Instead, you choose to mime out actions from movies you've seen, hoisting an imaginary stereo towards her from the yard. She seems amused. Soon, the last servant of the Mongol hordes falls to the righteous southerners, and it's time to move on to other activities. You excel at running, rope climbing, and volleyball, but as the teacher leads the class to play a sport involving hoops and bouncing balls off the ground, you find yourself bested. Soon, the class is over and you head to the bus with your fellow students. You ride beside EJ and the two of you read comics together. Before the bus reaches your home, it stops to let Sally Zhang off in front of a great manor house, even more luxurious than the palace of the Wanli Emperor in Nanjing. Her gardener is out working.
rolled 11 = 11>>19132410>you choose an American name from the movies (pick a name /tg/)MAX POWER
>>19132410We need to remember this place and visit them later. Maybe in the week-end.
>>19132410Nicolas Cage
>>19132410Our Pseudonym should be Lou.. Louis Chan. Get off at her stop to talk to the gardener.
>>19132410Just go for Louie for now, Louie Xian or Louie Chan as that'll be easier to pronounce.Get off at her stop, we must meet this gardener, his work is a honorable one and we shall perhaps make a friend and someone to teach us English.
>Lu Xianbei>Lu Chan>Lu Kan>LukeLuke is a good name.
Kato.
>>19132483But if we go with Louie/Louis Chan we'll be one syllable away from Jackie Chan, which would give us more street cred for our martial arts skills.
rolled 12 = 12>>19132410LeeBruce Leebaddest mutherfucker aroundyeah, remember the place, maybe comeby after we get homekudos on not getting in trouble for fighting
Last name's first.. Just sayin
>>19132410I don't think we should go there right now.We cannot have our parent worrying, we must notify them before wandering off to places.It would be disrespectful otherwise
>>19132450Second
>>19132527 I agree. Also, dropping by unannounced may be a little rude. We must ask for an introduction....
>>19132500You offer her Bruce Lee as your pale face name. She laughs and tells you that it's a stupid name and you should pick one that people will believe"Hmmm... Lu is already a good American name! How about I call you Louie? It's a cute name! I'm Lily, by the way! Thanks for helping me with my books today"You choose to stay on the bus with EJ and Lily, but note the location of Sally Zhang's estate and the honorable man who protects its grounds like Yue Fei against the Jurchens. You come home and mother greets you and welcomes you home. Father is at the restaurant, and you'll need to help him out tonight.
>>19132540>dropping by unannounced may be a little rudeYou, sir, have never been to China.Oh, and picking an English name would be submitting to cultural imperialism. Let's just call ourselves Long Dong, that's easy enough for laowai to pronounce.
>>19132561You're in America, now, and must act like it."I cannot, mother, for it is custom here to stay home in one's underwear and play video games. We gwailo now."
>>19132561I came back to check out the quest, and disappointed that you didn't get my reference to The Big Lebowsky; shame on you, OP.
>>19132561Tell mother about our grandiose adventurous of today, also lament that we cannot communicate in the language of the White Devils.Spend the free time till evening studying English using language books we undoubtedly brought along with us.>You, sir, have never been to China.I admit, I know nothing.But this seems to be Stereotype Quest: the Assumptionining
>>19132561OP, you must know that I love the Chinese historical references you pepper this with, it reminds me that I need to read the Romance of the Three Kingdoms.Give our mother a hug back. Tell her we had a good day at school. Get our homework done and help in the restaurant. Thank our father for the lunch me made, tell him that we think we made a few friends. Don't mention the fight.
>>19132561 Rest a little bit, take note of any course work, clean ourselves up, then get to help father out.
>>19132594Great subject of shame for this humble one. Especially considering the bounties this society has heaped upon him, like Netflix.Planning to watch it this weekend finally.
DO NOT NEGLECT OUR MARTIAL EXERCISES! We must spend time each day training.Father always said that strong body and mind must be maintained each day
>>19132561Tell her of what we have learned of american schoolchildren, especially of our friend EJ. Ask permission to see the Zhang's gardener after school tomorrow instead of helping out father, in order to learn english.
>>19132606>hugging a family member>hugging anyone>being in physical contact with anything
>>19132594Man I ain't even never heard of that movie.
>>19132623 Best to excercise in the morning, where qi is fresh.
>>19132642Really? It's quite good. Worth a watch.
Can anyone at the restaurant help us with our English? We really need to learn to say 我不要麻煩. I have a feeling it'll come in useful.
You tell mother of the adventures of the day, leaving out the fight, and she tells you to get cleaned up and work on your studies. At the hour of the Snake, she hurries you off on your bicycle to go help father at the restaurant for the dinner rush. You try to argue that you are American now, but she reminds you that you do not have XBOX yet. That is for the decadent Koreans across the Yalu River. At the restaurant, you head in through the back and slip into the red changshan that serves as the restaurant uniform. You serve the white devils patiently, suffering through their pronunciations of your poetic language. Some of them ask for strange things you don't understand like "Extra duck sauce, no MSG". The shift is going well, until you come across the large boy who was possessive of Lily earlier. His table is not in your section, but as you walk past him, he sticks his leg out to trip you. You fall, with your tray full of father's delicious food.
>>19132650 Also, training all the time. Just like 董海川 did when he served members of the Imperial Palace with his footwork.
>>19132670Pick up the food and be quick to get a replacement order ere the customers grow angry. Tell him that we will duel him for his insult after the shift ends.
>>19132670Keep our head low, pick up the food, and move on. He is an honoured guest and any affray would be a great loss of face for our father.
>>19132670Pick up the food and watch our step around him. We don't cause a commotion here given that it's our father's restaurant, we'll break him later.
>>19132670SHAMEFUL DISPLAYA true martial artists NEVER lets his guard down.Shamefully collect the stuff, admit our defeat in this battle and ask father for forgiveness. Clearly American life is already rubbing on to us.
>>19132700This. Duel later for our famiry's honor.
>>19132701(unless we're northern Chinese, in which case we scream as loud as we can that we will fuck the corpses of nine generations of his ancestors)
>>19132670>shame Lao wai will pay, but not now. There is no proof and it would be a loss of face to create a commotion over this. Get up and clean the mess up, apologizing. Chide self mentally for being lax in this foreign land... Father may or may not be angry. If he is, there will be some interest coming to that bai guei on top...
>>19132670>decadent Koreans across the Yalu RiverGoddammit I lol'd again. Your kung-fu is quite good, OP.
>>19132700>>19132738this is our fault for being careless.If we are to be angry at anyone it is to be angry at our self.
>>19132744http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/FujianNope, we're in the south.
As politely as you can, you scurry along and avoid this cruel barbarian. You pick up the food and clean up quickly, getting a replacement order to the kitchens. As you return, you gracefully bring the food to the table. But as you head back to the kitchens, you whisper to the boy "1 AM. You come back. I break you". He seems quite eager to please.The shift ends at 11 and you and father ride back together on your bicycles. You've made your first dollar today from the tips, which were more than your cousin makes in a month working at the Shenzhen meat packing plant. You're quite proud of yourself, and you get home to work on homework.
>>19132778After we finish our homework, sneak out to make our fight-date. We can arrive early to train if necessary.
You should try and get in contact with EJ so he might act as backup, just in case the white devil, as white devils are wont to do, decides to bring a posse with him.
>>19132778>"1 AM. You come back. I break you"So wait, now we have showdown in middle of the night?Well, prepare for it. Meditate, practice your stances, etc
BALANCE OUR CHI
>>19132822EJ does not seem the combat-y kind. Dragging him into our own problems would be rude and honorless
>>19132778>"1 AM. You come back. I break you" I lol'd Our vocabulary is getting better through vengeance -or we're quoting movies Finish homework diligently, wash up, light training (to warm up) before before bed. Make sure parents have turned in (unless we're short on time to get back there) before sneaking out to follow through with this martial challenge and regain face.
>>19132778Finish homework and then get a goods night rest.Let white devil be up at 1 in the morning.We will see who is victorious when his fatigue hampers him at school tomorrow, leading to much dishonor.
>>19132842Our only exposure to black people has been through blaxploitation movies. As far as we're aware, they are all adept fighters with honorable- if oftentimes bloody- intentions.
how can we show up to showdown when we don't have 30 friends to bring?
>>19132796 We don't practice in the public eye unless we use the "public form." We especially don't show closed door techniques or movements -until we have to use it in application.
>>19132871Even then, we would be dragging a man we just met into a bloody battle which we started.And I have no doubt that the White Devil will bring a possee with him. We could ask for favour in local Chinatown but that is as far as we go
>>19132902We have started nothing, and both EJ and we share a common enemy: the white devil. Both our peoples have suffered under their yoke. It would be fitting to stand together!
>>19132923I throw my vote towards the 'invite EJ and posse' side, but ensure that they're only backup. I would rather fight the white devil 1 on 1 if possible.
You work diligently at your schoolwork. The math goes easily, but you puzzle at the other subjects. You request the help of mother and father, neither of whom know any English. Foreseeing troubles, you request their permission to seek out the gardener of the Zhang household. They present you with gifts to bring to him.You make the pretense of preparing for bed. Mother and father do not question it, as they are also exhausted from their days, father from the restaurant, and mother from establishing the proper ancestral presence in your new home.At 1 AM, you head back to father's restaurant. The other boy is out front, with 4 of his friends in sight. Some of them are holding baseball bats, some have tire irons. They stand beside a pick-up truck, while you came on a bicycle.
>>19132902 But we haven't quite established ourselves yet. If white boy brings his posse, we call him out and ask him if he's afraid. Don't address his posse but make him look bad as best we can, using (hopefully not so obvious) movie quotes if we have to, get the point across. Try not to insult the posse or they might decide they don't give a fuck and kick our ass.
This has the potential to be awesome. Afro Samurai and Immigrant Chosen One fighting off against the white horde.Glorious.
Yes, Balance our Chi and read our copy of Mao's little red book. May find something philosophical to bring us peace. Or some order from beyond the grave to crush capitalism. Eather way its a win win for us.
We don't even know where this EJ lives. How are we supposed to recruit him in 1.5 hours?We SHOULD ask Father for advice and inform him of the situation. He is our mentor and it would be typical of youthful impetuousness to engage in a foolish duel alone at night.
>>19132947Baseball bats?So they want a melee fight? Goof thing we have been trained in the legendary style of NO WAN TROUBLU invented by the great Jakie Chan.We can use our bicycle as an impromptu weapon or if there are any ladders, poles of staff around, we can take them
rolled 45 = 45fuck, afro ain't around to help?alright, we're gonna have to start using the bike like a ladder/chair and fuck them all upwhen only one is left we charge at him with the bycycle like a fucking mounted knight and leave a bruise the size of a manhole cover on his chest
>>19132947Fight alone Gwailo, or are you scared of this little Chinese kid?
>>19132949this
>>19132947>At 1 AM, you head back to father's restaurant. The other boy is out front, with 4 of his friends in sight. Some of them are holding baseball bats, some have tire irons. They stand beside a pick-up truck, while you came on a bicycle.Crap. Crapcrapcrap we are so screwed. They're going to wreck the shop after they wreck us.
>>19132947Try to get him into a one on one fight by insulting his honour while appreciating the honour of his comrades.>>19132969Seconding using bike as weapon if worse comes to worse.
rolled 89 = 89rolling for chi
GuysGuysWe're fucked.We challenged him to this fight. We want trabble.We are so fucked.
>>19132988Goad him into one on one. But dont let any of them get near the shop. Also, look around for impromptu weapons. Also did we get any military training back home that could help us?
Jocks are known only for their brute strength. Their fighting styles are but a devolved, barbaric Tiger style.Use the patience and wisdom of Crane style to achieve victory this day.
>>19132969 We are from Fujian. Maybe we picked up some choy lay fut...
>>19133003Yeah, that was beyond stupid. I don't know why that suggestion was taken.
>>19133021You would rather have taken such a disgrace lying down? Where is your honor?
there's no magic bullet guyswe just have to accept that this is how the narrative goesour ass is getting beat
Also we could defeat them with the collective peoples power of socialism!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kLSWzOYujEY
>>19133032there's no honor in getting the family business smashed up
>>19133041We shall let no such thing happen! The brutes think they can hide behind their iron, but the fools underestimate the power of flesh.The only damages shall be the bloody pavement once we are through with them.
>>19133021 Well, if we have to run, we have a head start. if they give chase and try to swerve on us, we dodge and hit the brakes. If we do it right, maybe they'll fuck up and crash into something while we get away clean? It does mean we'll have more enemies than just the one -but then I think we have them all as enemies regardless
You approach tentatively, and wait to see their reactions. You dismount and walk beside your bicycle, until you're about 10 feet away."You're dead you fucking Jap. I'm gonna fuck you up, then fuck up your dad's dirty little shit-stand".You feel deep anger burning in you, but drive it down. The 5 thugs close in on you with their weapons raised. You fend off the blows with your bicycle at first, wielding it as gracefully as your ancestors wielded the oxcarts to fight off the brigands of the Longshan swamps that raided your home, but you cannot press the advantage. Losing ground, you drop the bicycle and breathe deeply, using your inner strength to blast yourself back from them. From afar, you call down fiery chi energy to keep the enemy at bay. You've maneouvred and put father's restaurant behind your back, with the bullies in front of you. Their car is in the parking lot, and your bicycle is destroyed.>capcha $536.00
Do any of the restaurant staff sleep inside it at night? Ideally we should be able to whistle and instantly be surrounded by eight cleaver-wielding chefs.If not, move away from the restaurant. They can break our body, but father's restaurant must survive this night.
>>19133032Disgrace?We shamed ourself by not watching our feet. We were like a baby trying to take its first steps. we had forgotten the most important lesson that one has always to be attentive to his surroundings.We were beaten in that battle and should have take our loss with grace.
>>19133060Any ladders or poles nearby?
>>19133064Our only mistake was expecting more of the white devil in our own establishment. Never again.>>19133060Remember your teachings. Focus on your breath. Feel the flow of the elements, and let the wind guide your fists.
rolled 52 = 52>>19133060I have it! Run to their vehicle and threaten its windshield. American imperialists cherish their cars more than they do their own grandparents.Rolling for Vehicular Intimidation.
>>19133079With the breathing room your chi powers have gotten you, you notice the 7 foot long iron pole with a hook on the end that father uses to draw down the metal gate over the restaurant's front doors at closing time. You pick it up in your left hand and take a battle stance. The enemy has regrouped and is approaching
>>19133085Yeah, use the vehicle as part of our fighting strategy.
>>19133087We know Bajiquan, a style famed for its spear techniques. Fuck them up, use the hook to grab legs and trip them, aim for painful spots, solar plexus, nose, groin, be willing to break things.
>>19133087Are there no honorable souls around to help us?! Surely back home such a brazen display of dishonor would not be taken lightly!EJ, Black Panther of Fury, where are you?!
>>19133087Whistle! I swear there are eight cleaver-wielding chefs just inside the restaurant.
>>19133085Use the pole. Our Ancestors guide us against these smelly barbarians! The Mandate of Heaven is ours!
>>19133087We should tire them out and then take them out one by one. Do not let them surround you but make them do sloppy attacks where they use too much energy. We will make our move economically and without wasting much energy, evading like a snake and keeping them at bay.When we feel they are tired to even heft their weapons will press the offensive.
>>19133060 Yeah, that value? That's their hospital bill. Capcha's giving us the go ahead to pull out the stops thanks to their dishonorable actions. All defensive maneuvers are to be about positioning. Set up to apply counterattacks. If someone's stupid enough to let themselves get caught in a chin na maneuver, we control them and use their body to block their friends' attacks or we throw him into their friends to buy room to take out someone. The intent is to disable but not to the point of serious injury. We're trying not to get too much trabble.
rolled 55 = 55We use the pole to sweep the leg.Sweep ALL OF THE LEGS.
rolled 32 = 32fuck his car window up to distract them and then really plow into them!well, they might escalate and fuck up the store, try denting and damaging and denting the car
>>19133122too bad that wont bring back our bicycle
You grasp the pole like Sun Quan grasped the Imperial Seal of Han and turn to the barbarians. Walking to their truck, you threaten to destroy the windows and mirrors and scratch the paintjob. You have the attention of these laowai and motion away all but their leader. He sends them home on foot and they depart, and the two of you circle for battle, you with father's pole, and he with the ancestral aluminum bat that you imagine his father used to conquer EJ's people.The two of you are alone in the parking lot.
Our little Celestial has bit off more than he can chew.
>>19133161No. Our little Celestial can think as deviously as any white man.
rolled 77 = 77>>19133159SWEEP THE LEG.
>>19133159Wait till he makes first move
>>19133159Focus on disarming him. We don't want no trouble. We want our bicycle paid for.
>>19133159Mock his ancestry in broken english to goad him into making the first attack. Then sweep the leg and use the hook to dislocate/break his ankle.
>>19133159 Hook leg or catch loose clothing, beat him down when he's off balance.
Don't make the first strike. We are not an impetuous people.
rolled 65 = 65>>19133159These Laogai only have power through weapons, their bodies are like the food they consume, high in trans fats. Attempt to disarm him, break his spirits.
>>19133178Now stand over his fallen body, holding the hook just next to his face, and quietly say one of the few English sentences we've mastered:'You want special?'
>>19133205He made the first strike when he brought discord into father's restaurant. All other strikes are fair.
As the two of you circle each other like tigers in the forests, you assume a posture of vulnerability, goading him to strike. You insult the memory of his sacred ancestors like George Washington and John Rambo, and as he raises his club to strike you, you sweep his leg. The huge barbarian falls hard, and as he falls, you hook his wrist to pull the weapon from his hands, then hook his clothing and hold him at bay.You stare grimly into his eyes and say "You want special?"He posture sags and he shows a face of defeat and regret. He motions for you to come, so that he may apologize and genuflect before you.
>>19133159>and he with the ancestral aluminum bat that you imagine his father used to conquer EJ's peopleI finally laughed out loud. Yeah, uh, this guy's gonna bum rush us, so sweep his legs and make it appear as if we were going to deliver the killing blow, but obviously don't.
>>19133258We know the tricks of White Devils. You are no different from Koreans over the pond. This must be a trap.Motion to him to get up.
>>19133258Stay where we are and say,"WE DUN WAN NO TRABBLE"
What if we were to actually kill him?
>>19133258It seems as if the White Devil can be reasonable after all. Cease all hostilities with him at once and lean closer to him leaving ourselves open as a sign of good faith.
>>19133258Haha, we know well the deceitful nature of this gwailo. He can genuflect from a distance, our spear ready to strike. Tell him that if he ever fucks with us again we'll break his leg and ruin his car.
>>19133258Approach, and revel in the glory. This day has ended in honor and--wait! Our opponent is the white devil! He has shown himself to have no honor this day! Be wary as you approach, lest he, as the Afro-American philosopher Samuel Jackson once said, 'sucker punch a bitch'.
>>19133285NOOOOO
>>19133258We should be wary of the white devil's surrender, the white devil is a liar most vile, who else would invent the wonder-bra?
>>19133258 It's a trap! ...but we can't turn away the hopeful glimmer of peace or the road ahead will be a turbulent one. We'll listen but we'll be ready for betrayal.
>>19133258>He motions for you to come, so that he may apologize and genuflect before youWell. We sure showed him, eh lads? Allow him to retain some honor by surrendering properly. Appeoach and accept his plea. Oh we are so screwed.
>>19133258Kick the club away. Barbarians are untrustworthy, but we must acknowledge his surrender. Keep a grip on our weapon and be ready for sudden tricks.
>>19133258The White Devil has no honor. The White Devil has never had honor. Beware The White Devil, lest he trick us like he tricked our ancestors.
History has taught you to trust neither the white devil's apologies and treaties, nor the synthetic fabrics with which they display their women's breasts, so you stay at a distance with spear poised to strike. "I dun want trabble", you say. He gets the point and starts backing off. You point him towards his car, and he backs away, leaving his weapon. He gets in and starts the engine, but rolls down the window before he can drive away"Next time, you and your dad's dogmeat shack won't be quite as lucky. You have to sleep some time"
I'm surprised he doesn't just run us over.
>>19133323His barbaric words mean nothing to us, he must be giving us his apology and regretting his actions.What a good man.
>>19133323>"You have to sleep some time"That is where he is wrong.
>>19133323Shit, if only we had the linguistic prowess to let him know that we are Oriental and thus well versed in the arts of the Ninja, so it is he who should be wary of sleeping.We'll have to settle for issuing a short, barking laugh, before suddenly freezing into a grimace and glaring.
>>19133323HA! Sleep is weakness! Our ancestors and the glorious power of socialism are with us! Sit and meditate in front of the gate with the pole. Come rain or shine the barbarians will not take what is ours!Also take bat as trophy!
>>19133323The White Devil again shows himself to be without honor, and has shown that he is unwilling to accept defeat. We must act as if he is our enemy. We must teach him not to pursue Lu Bu,
>>19133323 Perhaps it's time to inform father of the situation... In the morning. Maybe skip the part about going out at night to kick his ass...
>Chinaman QuestThis is not Chinaman Quest. I know that from my learnings and because I've translated five books of the series already.
We accept his humble defeat and head home. We ought to sleep.
Return home and sleep. He will not allow himself to be alone a second time. He will bring allies.We must do the same.Tomorrow we must seek council with the black leader in this fight, that he may grant us audience and perhaps boons.
>>19133361Why would we skip it? Father would be proud of our initiative in defending our honor, and would be pleased to be aware of a threat to his restaurant.
>>19133352 you know, if we learn where he lives, we might be able to scare the shit out of him. Except our bike is all sorts of fucked up.
>>19133323Make a mental note to tell father over breakfast that America is a violent and lawless place, and suggest allowing the cooks to sleep in the restaurant overnight. They will surely welcome the chance to save on rent and thus send more money home to their parents.
>>19133382We are the one who started all this shit.He will definitely not be pleased.Although, keeping this secret might bring more harm than good.What do we do with out bike? Have we make rudimentary repairs to it?
>>19133385>8 chefs sleeping in restaurant>rednecks come and torch it>8 dead chefs in restaurantDon't see how this could go wrong.Seconding finding out where he lives, but also seconding telling father all about how we defended our family. We need to start heading home immediately as we have no bike and it is late, we should try to find a bike on the way home.
>>19133323Take his Aluminum bat as a trophy of your victory against the barbarian!
Shit, we wanted trabble and got away with it, at least for the moment. I'm not sure whether we should make further efforts to want no trabble, or buck the trend and actively seek trabble.
You look over your bicycle. It is battered and dented, with the spokes snapped off and the frame battered and broken. As the barbarian drives away, you realize that your home is quite a distance away and will be a long walk, but you walk home with pride, knowing that you drove away this barbarian at the gates as Yuan Chonghuan drove Nurhaci beyond the great wall. You slip into your room quietly, and meditate over what to tell father tomorrow. You only hope the restaurant is safe tonight. -----Alright good first day at school guys! If anyone's still interested, I can try to pop in tomorrow night at 11 PM EST and run Chinaman Quest 2
>>19133438I am interested, it's a fun quest, also I adore the historical Chinese references, they're pretty awesome.
>>19133413 Okay. I'll agree with the first two things but I don't think swiping a replacement bike on the way home is a good idea.
Skills:English: Piss poorGrades: N/AFightan: MediumLadies: LowTable service: LowPossessions:$40 in tips from first day of workSchool suppliesAluminum baseball batAllies:EJLilyGardener of Zhang House (potential)
>>19133438Magnificent show OP, many thanks.>implying Nurhaci was a barbarian and not a member of a proud and noble ethnic minority which is, was, and always will be an integral part of the great and glorious Chinese nation
Marvelous OP. I hope to see you tomorrow to continue this quest.Here, have a youtube link because you're awesome.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6IYt2qMj1A&feature=related
It's already archived, by the way. http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive.html
>>19133462 Wait. What about YingHui? Potential?
>>19133507She's back in Fujian. While the memory of her beautiful dark eyes and water buffalo-like ability to carry heavy agricultural loads sustains us, I fear she cannot be of any aid in the capitalist west.
>>19133521 Whoops. My bad. I meant Sally.
>>19133507YingHui, while lovely, is in our native province. We don't know when we will go home to our first love.>>19133501Thanks bro!>>19133479I'm just too Ming loyalist for that shit.Thanks for playing everyone. See y'all children of the Yellow Emperor tomorrow night.再見
>>19133538Whoops. Add her to the potential allies
The HUE is strong with this one
>>19133159>he with the ancestral aluminum bat that you imagine his father used to conquer EJ's people.>john rambomy fucking goddamn sides.good show op.
This made my night, please return tomorrow!
Who knew cultural stereotypes could be so hilarious?Makes me wish someone would continue that Harry Potter quest with Harry replaced with a Saudi oil prince. Good times.
This whole thread is appaling.I'm emailing a link to kotaku so they can write a snotty article about you and hopefully moot will do the right thing and permaban you op.
OP is awesome and this thread is awesome.Well done.
I worry for our protagonist, he is strong but eventually he stands a chance of being overwhelmed.We should try befriending the natives, preferably some rival Barbarian tribe for logistic and martial support.
>>19134580I think he's going to be able to build on his existing alliances, as long as he can restrain himself. Granted, he was provoked, but he actively wanted trouble and that's no way to win.
