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  • File: 1335311034.jpg-(125 KB, 715x515, RTcover_bg.jpg)
    125 KB This is Not Alpha Legion Misinformation caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw. 04/24/12(Tue)19:43 No.18847587  
    We all know the tales of Abaddon's 13 mighty Black Crusades and the great suffering they inflicted on the followers of that damn corpse god. What we don't all know is the stories of the lesser Black Crusades, the ones that didn't quite make it into the mighty tomes of the Historium. Gather round, gentle fa/tg/uys, and I will tell you of Crusades past.
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)19:44 No.18847606
         File: 1335311099.jpg-(314 KB, 737x720, warhammer 40k story time child(...).jpg)
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    >> caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw. 04/24/12(Tue)19:46 No.18847634
    1. Stolen by the Blood Ravens. Er, we mean, is a holy relic of the Blood Ravens
    2. Due to a mixup, accidentally raided the Eye of Terror instead of Imperial controlled worlds
    3. Disappeared quietly, location unknown
    4. Forgot to enable the grimdark generators and was destroyed by a competently led Imperial force
    5. Due to Warp shenanigans, accidentally time traveled to before the crusade was launched. Crusade was cancelled due to headaches caused trying to figure out causal links
    >> caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw. 04/24/12(Tue)19:51 No.18847683
    6. Due to an oversight, this crusade was led by Kharn the Betrayer. It was mysteriously betrayed. What a great guy.
    7. Failed when Traitor Marines forgot to feed the little heads on their armor
    8. Failed when traitor Mechanicus accidentally enabled the Geller Fields on their ships, de-possessing all forces
    9. Papa Nurgle loved this crusade too much.

    Apologies for the delay between posts. Warp damned spam filters don't like this list much.
    >> caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw. 04/24/12(Tue)19:52 No.18847692
    10. Accidentally vaccinated troops against the Obliterator virus, causing loss of heavy firepower
    11. Failed because Abaddon has no arms
    12. Killed by 2 Fire Warriors hiding behind a Devilfish
    13. CREEEEEED!!!
    14. Got distracted playing fetch with the Space Wolves
    15. Stole Rowboat Girlyman's pants and called it a success
    16. Ran out of gas by the Cadian Gate and had to call AAA
    17. This crusade, sponsored by Malal, was taken down by a copyright infringement lawsuit
    18. Due to a numbering error, this crusade never happened
    19. Someone left the stove on when trying to assault Cadia. The resulting fire burned down the whole fleet.
    20. All members of this Crusade turned out to be Alpha Legion in disguise
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)19:53 No.18847703
         File: 1335311601.jpg-(218 KB, 800x585, warhammer 40k 1332354383713.jpg)
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    Long lists.
    >> caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw. 04/24/12(Tue)19:55 No.18847723
    22. Got kicked out of the tournament for using loaded dice
    23. Failed when traitor legions' Land Raiders were recalled for faulty or missing turn signals
    24. This Black Crusade was entirely composed of traitor Squats. It was eaten by a Tyranid when no one was looking.
    25. Due to Creed, an Imperator Titan hiding in a mailbox was able to ambush the Crusade

    What do you expect? There have been ten thousand years of Black Crusades.
    >> caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw. 04/24/12(Tue)19:56 No.18847735
    26. Ran into 1 unarmed fluff grade Astares, died horribly
    27. Gork did it. No, Mork did it.
    28. This crusade was led by followers of Tzeentch. They managed to ambush themselves. This was considered a success.
    29. Was thwarted by this guy with a scarf in a blue box
    30. Got distracted trying to see if they could take on Star Wars ships
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)19:56 No.18847744
         File: 1335311808.jpg-(166 KB, 766x956, epic dinosaur with armor and w(...).jpg)
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    Go on.
    >> caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw. 04/24/12(Tue)19:57 No.18847759
    31. Turns out you shouldn't wave red flags at Khornate berserkers
    32. Lost the keys to their fleet, couldn't find a locksmith in time
    33. This fleet's still waiting for the new Dark Eldar codex to be released so they have allies
    34. Forgot to get a permit to attack Cadia, had to leave right after they arrived
    35. This crusade, led by the legendary traitor Astares legion the Procrastinator Marines, starts, er, tomorrow
    >> Arch-Magos Winter !!GgQN8rJg+y8 04/24/12(Tue)19:58 No.18847760
         File: 1335311890.png-(29 KB, 336x336, 1300554534499.png)
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    >A Juvenile Equestrian
    My sides.
    >> caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw. 04/24/12(Tue)19:59 No.18847774
    36. Both the crusade's leaders and the leaders of the Imperial forces opposing them were traitors to their side. The crusade was canceled in the resulting confusion
    37. Trashed Ultramar, was retconned into having never existed
    38. Fought 2nd ed Tyranids, ran out of ammo for swords. We're not sure how either.
    39. Should have taken a left turn at Tyranis.
    40. Sold the ammo and cultists off and told Abaddon it worked. He fell for it.
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)19:59 No.18847780
    21. Traitor mechanus forces decided to field test a new weapon they called "Skub" during this crusade, there were no survivors
    22. Vikings got there first
    23. Was cancelled due to tyranid infestation
    24. Highly successful, unfortunately the "chaos forces" in question were actually poorly disguised orks
    25. Fell apart when over 40% of chaos forces were wiped out simultaneously due to severe peanut allergies
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)20:01 No.18847809
         File: 1335312111.jpg-(61 KB, 528x384, spiderman just as planned 1335(...).jpg)
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    You suppose a Black Crusade was ever derailed by Spiderman?
    >> caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw. 04/24/12(Tue)20:01 No.18847811
    Alas, this is the end of the list of failed Black Crusades that the Historium has been able to find so far. If it is so desired, more records may always be unearthed.
    >> caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw. 04/24/12(Tue)20:04 No.18847841
    Good sir, I assure you that Spiderman is directly responsible for no less than 3 failed Black Crusades. Alas, I have yet to discover the true story of those great losses for the Ruinous Powers

    Hey! That's accurate information! Don't post that here, this is a clearly marked disinformation thread!
    >> Arch-Magos Winter !!GgQN8rJg+y8 04/24/12(Tue)20:05 No.18847855
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)20:12 No.18847961
    Come on now, my good man! Archeology ahoy!
    >> caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw. 04/24/12(Tue)20:12 No.18847980
    41. Orks mistook traitor legions for lobsters, chased them with giant crab crackets and mallets
    42. Spiderman webbed a Titan's leg, causing it to trip, causing it to knock of the rest. Just As Planned.
    43. We're not sure what actually happened, so we're blaming M.att W.ard.
    44. Defective, confused genestealers took everyone's pants.
    45. Ships in fleet were painted fuscia, which turns out to be the Orkish color for “fails to attack the Imperium”
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)20:15 No.18847997
    41. Naaa na na na na na na naa Katamari Damacy~
    42. Was actually a concert tour of a supergroup formed of several highly successful metal bands, let us pray that carnage of this magnitude never happens again.
    43. Bolas did it
    44. Jace showed up and ruined everything
    45. Somehow ended up in sigil, there were no survivors
    46. We would have gotten away with this one if it weren't for those meddling kids and their stupid dog!
    47. Entirety of chaos forces annihilated by bearded mute with glasses and a crowbar wearing orange metal suit
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)20:16 No.18848020
    26. Crusade cancelled after a Ahriman sells the gathered military forces to a Rogue Trader in exchange for a "totally genuine" map of the Webway.

    Map turns out to lead to a small box containing 3 thrones and a piece of string.
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)20:17 No.18848026
         File: 1335313040.jpg-(40 KB, 562x437, Haddock haha.jpg)
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    >Katamari Damacy
    >> caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw. 04/24/12(Tue)20:20 No.18848060
    46. Eldrad, CREEED, The Deceiver, Spiderman, The Emprah, and Tzeentch all forgot to Just As Planned this Crusade
    47. Codex update nerfed the army right before it attacked
    48. Eaten by the Emprahesque
    49. Particularly dumb cultists were told to shoot anything that moves, then told to move
    50. Forgot to post sentries when they left, so the Eye of Terror was briefly a Blood Raven historical artifact
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)20:23 No.18848110
    48. Was arrested by FBI for possession of child porn
    49. Was heroically defeated by the legendary grey knight, sir mixalot
    50. The gps of the chaos forces broke and they ended up somewhere in Kansas, most were killed by angry corn
    51. Completely wiped out by the Spanish
    52. Half were sacrificed to huitzilopochtli, the other half drowned in the resulting rainstorm
    53. Was cancelled due to eyjafjallajokull erupting
    >> caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw. 04/24/12(Tue)20:25 No.18848133
    51. Orks decided Defilers were spiders, built giant rolled up newspapers to kill them
    52. Crusade got in the way of Mechanicus that heard of a surviving STC, got trampled in rush
    53. Tried to use plasma weapons on Grey Knights
    54. All members of this crusade suddenly repented for their sins, rejoined the Imperium, and were shot for heresy anyways
    55. Volcano erupted on the flagship of the crusade. Creed blamed.
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)20:25 No.18848140
         File: 1335313547.jpg-(77 KB, 518x316, Heh.jpg)
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    That never gets old.
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)20:30 No.18848206
    54. Mass suicide after reading entire FATAL rulebook
    55. Defeated by ragtag team of nine color-coordinated mercenaries
    56. Died of dysentery while trying to get to Oregon
    57. Consisted entirely of squats, disappeared afte
    >> caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw. 04/24/12(Tue)20:31 No.18848222
    56. Ran into the Angry Marines and the Reasonable Marines
    57. Got pulled over for speeding
    58. Titan princeps couldn't find out how tall Titans actually were, wrecked Titan trying to go under a bridge
    59. Ambushed by an army of purple Orks. They never saw the Orks.
    60. A man bitten by a radioactive arachnid tricked them all into saying “Candlejack”
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)20:35 No.18848274
    This thread needs to be saved for posterity
    >> caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw. 04/24/12(Tue)20:38 No.18848317
    61. Asked Bjorn the Fell Handed for a bedtime story one too many times
    62. Tried to drink Space Wolf alcohol, got beaten up by alcohol
    63. Got distracted trying out how magnets work
    64. Found a lost Primarch, promptly lost it again
    65. Tried to reattach Abaddon's arms, found out at end of surgery that arms were cleverly disguised Baneblades
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)20:39 No.18848330
    Dear god...
    Reasonable marines attempting to reason with or lead beser er I mean Angry Marines.
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)20:42 No.18848380
    61. Stairs
    62. Destroyed by rioting Canadians
    63. Kobolds blew it all up
    64. Couldn't find the keys to the fleet
    65. Completely annihilated by a housecat
    >> caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw. 04/24/12(Tue)20:43 No.18848388
    Alas, I'm running out of good ideas for the moment. I take it that there is popular demand for more Tales of the Black Crusades, so I'll try to write moar and follow up.
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)20:43 No.18848396
    as am I
    >> caffyn !Da.p3Tdfw. 04/24/12(Tue)20:44 No.18848417
    Number 64, see number 32.
    Maybe I should write this story. It sounds remarkably entertaining, and I'm not sure which army would frustrate the other more...
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)20:46 No.18848441
         File: 1335314808.gif-(199 KB, 700x687, suplextrain.gif)
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    27. Crusade suplexed by martial artist.
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)20:47 No.18848451
    66. Got distracted playing Black Crusade.
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)20:47 No.18848454
    64. Rust monster infestation
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)20:55 No.18848582
    67. Destroyed by terrorists
    68. Derailed by old man Henderson
    69. Turned into a massive orgy after everyone realized they were all serving slaanesh
    70. Attempted to attack used camel salesman, once again there were no survivors
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)20:56 No.18848609
         File: 1335315404.gif-(1.78 MB, 200x176, animated red panda fox can't r(...).gif)
    1.78 MB

    This does seem worthy of preserving for future lulz.
    Get to it, men.
    We'll need 3 more requests in all for auto-archiving to trigger.

    >pic tangentially related
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)20:58 No.18848636
    How many crusades are we even up to?
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)20:59 No.18848641
    Alright here's my attempt, be gentle...

    >70 (I have no idea what number we're on): Due to one of the hereteks having fat fingers, Abaddon invaded Canadia instead of Cadia. In the winter. There were no survivors.
    >71: Information was received that an Alpha Legionairre had infiltrated the Crusade. No one survived the resulting search/panic.
    >72: Trazyn "acquired" Abaddon's topknot. There were no survivors.
    >73: One of the World Eaters decided to play some arcaeomusic by a group called "Anaal Nathrakh." There were no survivors.
    >74: Abaddon's dog ate his invasion plans. There were a few survivors.
    >75: Word Bearers ran out of cigarettes before making it to Cadia.
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)20:59 No.18848648
         File: 1335315564.png-(159 KB, 744x626, Ork_Powuz.png)
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    Pic related.
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)21:03 No.18848708
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)21:04 No.18848722
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)21:05 No.18848735
    >Not using Suptg
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)21:06 No.18848749
    We're up to 104 crusades now by my count
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)21:07 No.18848755
         File: 1335316050.jpg-(34 KB, 600x450, suffer not the furry to live p(...).jpg)
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    Better to cover multiple angles, in case of xenos.
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)21:08 No.18848767
    105. Cancelled due to mass rustling of jmmies
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)21:09 No.18848790
         File: 1335316179.jpg-(13 KB, 230x151, Discs_of_Tzeentch2[1].jpg)
    13 KB
    106. Pool closed due to discs of Tzeentech
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)21:10 No.18848802
    106-110: All performed by Reddit. All were successful, but were notably unoriginal.
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)21:13 No.18848839
    107. Happened during mass pauldron shortage
    108. Forgot to pay electric bill
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)21:15 No.18848857
    70. Renegade battle barge 'The Rainbow Warrior' is successfully engaged and destroyed by Astartes of the Azure Cockerels. Puts an end to the entire crusade.
    71. Numerous inaccuracies in planning and tactics are pointed out by a neckbeard with a copy of the latest codex, crusade abandoned.
    72. Chaos forces successfully land on Cadia only to be beaten back by a force made up from a superior codex.
    73. Every one forgets the meltaguns, hilarity ensues.
    74. A boy and some old guy in a DeLorean make the entire crusade fade from existence as it turns out the kid is his own grand father, or something. It probably had something to do with Tzeentch.
    75. Southpark parody the previous crusade, everyone is too wrapped up in the resulting lawsuit to remember to set off.
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)21:22 No.18848976
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)21:31 No.18849109
         File: 1335317515.jpg-(657 KB, 1536x2048, LolCats warhammer 40k Plague m(...).jpg)
    657 KB
    Well, whaddya know...
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)21:47 No.18849296
         File: 1335318422.jpg-(57 KB, 589x380, 1244449885326.jpg)
    57 KB
    >Using chanarchive rather than suptg
    >Implication being you browse /tg/ and that you are not aware of suptg, or even worse, you think chanarchive is better
    >pic related
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)21:51 No.18849354
    109: The Tau lent a squadron of titans to the Imperium's cause.
    110: A lone wanderer somehow talked Abbadon into abandoning this crusade.
    111: Snakes on the cruisers killed most of the crew.
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)21:51 No.18849358
    Just as planned...
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)21:54 No.18849384
    except for one renegade salamander
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)22:10 No.18849611
    the guy from new vegas got into space how?
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)22:11 No.18849619
    112. Cultist-chan somehow got to the fleet-wide speaker system.
    113. Written by CS Goto [STRICKEN FROM RECORDS]
    114. Ran into a ladder, chair, table and rope factory when Jackie Chan was visiting it.
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)22:12 No.18849635
    Yeah, that's probably what happened.
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)22:20 No.18849732
    For what, slaughtering, torturing and defiling Eldar horrifically, all in loving detail? Sounds perfectly Chaotic to me.
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)22:23 No.18849771
    It was an embarrassing combination of a kid sticking a twig into the entire fleet and MULTILASERS.
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)22:23 No.18849786
    116. Crusade made it to Holy Ter-- *CLANG* What the fuck was that?
    117. Abbaddon distracted by a kitty cat
    118. Pauldrons prevented traitor marines from lifting their arms. They were slain by a single Guardsman with a pointy stick.
    >> S.T.A.L.K.E.R. 04/24/12(Tue)22:30 No.18849887
    >Was arrested by FBI for possession of child porn
    I'm surprise Slaanesh isn't arrested yet.
    >> Anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)22:32 No.18849911
    He was, but his lawyer was awesome.
    >> anonymous 04/24/12(Tue)22:42 No.18850056
    119: slaaneshi discovered /b/

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