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  • File: 1331229477.jpg-(72 KB, 454x318, Intelligence.jpg)
    72 KB Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)12:57 No.18254146  
    ITT: Awesome quotes from your sessions.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)12:59 No.18254155
    >DM: The dragon explains he'll give you the item you want if you compensate him.
    >PC: I roll to intimitade.
    >Everyone: You do WHAT?!
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)12:59 No.18254157
    "What, yeah, of course I can do that. I'm Catholic Evil."
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:01 No.18254168
    A bard, to a skeletal champion in an attempt to unnerve him:
    "Your negative energy's so weak it's just a little pessimistic."
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:02 No.18254170
    "Ok, let me get this straight. There's a 9 foot tall blackscale lizardfolk in heavy armor swinging a club the size of a child in front of you, and you're casting COMPREHEND LANGUAGES?!"
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:03 No.18254179
    "I didn't ask how large the room was, I said I cast fireball."
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:04 No.18254184
    >NPC: You must go on a spirit quest to discover the path forward.

    >PC: Why is my spirit animal a drunk guy who isn't making sense?
    >> torchisout 03/08/12(Thu)13:05 No.18254187
    rolled 100, 120, 130 = 350

    Are we from the same game?
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:06 No.18254188
    "What do you mean I can't cast web between the dragon's wings?"
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:08 No.18254203
    We might be. Did the party include a permanetly enlarged half-orc and a blind elf?
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:09 No.18254210
         File: 1331230184.png-(54 KB, 477x599, SO MUCH WIN.png)
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    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:10 No.18254214
    "I'm Cadian, eh."
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:11 No.18254220
    >All right, Jim, these are Warforged, like you. They don't much care for the fleshy folk, but you've got some of them with you, so you might consider convincing them not to attack on sight or something. How do you wanna handle this?
    >We're gonna go ahead and try Diplomacy: "Hey, sexy mama. Wanna kill all Humans?"

    It's worth noting that the party only has one actual Human in it, but still, this shit never gets old.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:13 No.18254233
         File: 1331230418.gif-(2.06 MB, 330x248, 1318050030512.gif)
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    Let's see now... with Death or Glory, Smite Evil, Power Attack, Vital Strike, and that natural 20 with my greataxe...
    (rolls a fistful of d12s)
    I deal 103 damage.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:14 No.18254238
    "You know, if we pooped all over the cart, the orcs probably won't bother searching through it."
    >> torchisout 03/08/12(Thu)13:14 No.18254244
    Close, but I guess not.
    My Character was a demon possessed human fighter that became large due to the possesion and then made permanently huge.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:16 No.18254250
    >Then you were in the dragon's mouth
    >No, at that point I still felt like I was pretty much in control of the situation.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:17 No.18254254
    >Me: Your crossbow hits him.
    >Player: Wait... Do I at least still have the arrow?
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:18 No.18254258
         File: 1331230700.jpg-(105 KB, 1024x768, 1273175052109.jpg)
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    >103 damage in one attack
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:18 No.18254259
    "I aint leaving the Camel behind, Wilbur is as much part of this team as you or me. So you will give me a hand carrying him up the stairs. I'm generous so you can pick if you get the front end or the back end. Watch out though, he bites."
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:18 No.18254260
    >"I take my picture of my smooth, undead, vapiric ass with my cellphone and send it to the Prince."
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:20 No.18254266

    With the utterance of a single word I ended an encounter before it began. The look on the GM's face was priceless.

    Long story short, I was given a ring of scorching ray 2 rays 1/day early in the game, and we ran into a bunch of guys taking black powder kegs to blow up a castle. I targeted a keg and nearly killed myself.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:20 No.18254268
    >from exalted game
    Player: "So, reality only works when I believe in it"
    GM: "Ya, sorta like santa clause"
    Same player: "I don't believe in santa"

    >From another exalted game:
    Player with noble character: "Come, join me at the tavern - for you fight well and I wish to reward you"
    Player with super-powered hobo character: "I'd join you, but my hands are covered in blood and spunk"
    Hobo had just fought a monk who'd been carrying a package of magically contained dragonblood spooge...
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:21 No.18254270
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:21 No.18254273
    You got more poison in your face than a private party in Brett Michael's basement!
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:22 No.18254277
    "So you're basically controlling the vampire from inside, so what do you?"

    "Well, I have him jump off the side of the building he was walking so fucking casually up and yell really loudly in his brain 'Have a nice trip, see you next fall'!"

    Murder AND a terrible pun. If we weren't playing Geist, I would have lost so much humanity.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:23 No.18254284

    Hmmm that sounds awfully familiar...
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:23 No.18254289
    the spooge-hand thing was from last night

    if you're one of my players - good for you :)
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:23 No.18254290
    >Well it doesn't seem like it wants to kill us right away, which is a nice change of pace. I'm gonna try Democracy.
    >Do you mean Diplomacy?
    >Cuz it's a Spellweaver. It's not Iraq.
    >Right, right...

    Joke's on him. My Diplomacy tactic was just to hide my PREEMPTIVE STRIKE TACTIC.
    /tg/ - Everything's Iraq
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:25 No.18254294
    >pyromaniac alcoholic rogue wants a pet
    >pays peasants 1gp per mouse delivered
    >has 10k gp
    >buys 10k mice
    >side note - local cat population starves
    >drags 10k mice around in cages in the wagon carrying all his liquor
    >thinks maybe alcoholic mice might be more his thing
    >tries blends of alcohol and oil to have flammable mice servants
    >skip forward to an interaction with a local merchant who is suspected of having connections to local bandits.
    >party begins diplomatic interrogation
    >rogue bursts into the shop
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:25 No.18254304
         File: 1331231153.jpg-(107 KB, 456x480, 1305896178396.jpg)
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    >near top of mountain something moves far below us
    >favored soul puts down spy glass " it is fire giants
    >fighter " i leap attack"
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:26 No.18254306
         File: 1331231164.png-(357 KB, 500x333, 16.png)
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    That made me laugh entirely too hard.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:26 No.18254315
    >The turbine fan is powering the force field, you'll have to find some way to switch it off or destroy it to reach the door.

    >Wizard: I tell my summoned horse to fall into the turbine.

    >Rest of Group: WHAT?! NO!

    >Wizard proceeds to cast multiple "Summon Mount" spells and clog the turbine up with so much dead horse that it jams and shuts down.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:27 No.18254317
    this is happening in the next pirates of the Caribbean movie, right?
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:28 No.18254322
    that... is very creative and brutal

    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:28 No.18254324

    I like this quote, anon.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:28 No.18254328
    Halfling Pony riding fighter specc'd for power attacking, with a two handed grip-lance.

    Due to a few feats, at level 10 he could power attack for -1 to hit for +5 damage on a two-handed weapon, and another let him substitute for -1 to hit to -1 to AC.

    So he would drop 10 points of AC for +50 damage, and due to spirited charge with a lance, he would do a ride-by for 3d6+150+strength+any other bonuses Damage.

    If anything survived his attack though, he would be screwed as after doing the reckless charge has was on AC like.. 8.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:29 No.18254329

    doesn't a summoned creature vanish to it's original plane when it is killed in the material world?

    at least in dnd.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:30 No.18254336
    Yes, but any turbine like that would be completely fucked anyway.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:30 No.18254341
    those mice seem awfully expensive.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:31 No.18254346
    Depends on the type of Summoning.
    Strict 'Summon' spells don't leave a corpse, but 'Calling' spells are actually bringing a creature from where it was to you, causing its death to be permanent.
    I'm not sure which he used, but even if the corpses weren't permanent, the impact of enough horses getting chopped to enough bits should be enough to wreck any turbine.

    I get your point though.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:34 No.18254374
    The last words of our Kobold Ranger/Trapsmith, a true bro, and definitely my best party friend:

    >Don't worry, I've got this.

    As far as ways to die are concerned, being eaten by a Tyrannosaurus is a pretty cool one, I guess.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:35 No.18254377
    "I'm at max fall distance height?"
    "Good. I throw my spear at the BBEG."
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:37 No.18254394
    "Predictive branch is estimating a 70% chance of apocalypse and a 30% chane of light drizzle turning heavy in the morning."
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:38 No.18254402
    ''I try to start a rap battle with the enemy bard''
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:38 No.18254403
    >Playing a troll in GURPs named Thud.
    >Wandering around a strange magically erratic land with party and being the pack mule.
    >Spies Mushrooms.
    >Don't even bother to check, just eat them.
    >Turn purple.
    >Party freaks out.
    >GM tells me they taste fantastic and I want to eat more.
    >Don't care. Eat more.
    >Party freaking out, tells me to wait with caravan.
    >Leave me behind eating mushrooms.
    >They travel to a town. Populace tells them/shows them that those who continue to eat the mushrooms eventually turn into mushrooms themselves.
    >'Cleric' tries to heal one of the people who had become a mushroom.
    >Succeeds and guy becomes less of a mushroom.
    >Decide to take them with him to get him out of the town/fully heal him up.
    >Bring him back to camp. Healed mushroom man sees me eating mushrooms.
    >"Hey... Can... Can I have some of those mushrooms?"
    >GM tells me I don't want to give them up.
    >"But... I wants them... I needs them!"
    >Man attempts to take mushrooms by force from me.
    >Smash him into a bloody pulp in less than a second.
    >Eat mushrooms.
    >Party comes back.
    >"Oh great. Thud, we need to get rid of this body."
    >Eat him.
    >"No! Wait... Augh, nevermind."
    >He tastes delicious.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:38 No.18254404
    One of the PCs in my older groups got eaten by one of those 3 or 4 times. Same damn T-Rex to.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:39 No.18254408
    >Okay, I'm gonna Charge it.
    >You know you're gonna provoke like 5 AoO's for leaving threatened squares, right?
    >Yeah, that's cool though.
    >Well, no, because it has Improved Grab and Swallow Whole. It'll probably eat you once you cross the first square. You won't even be able to Charge the full distance.
    >So wait, it gets a chance to eat me after 15 feet?
    >Yeah, dude.
    >Oh thank god. I was worried I wouldn't be able to make it all the way to the creature this round. Charging.

    Easily the best Barbarian I've had the pleasure of playing beside.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:39 No.18254410
    I should hope so! A few years later, I watched the movie 'Wanted' with that player and we both freaked out with the mice+peanutbutter+thermite scene.

    He only had 10k gp and he didn't want to bother with messy amounts of change when dealing with peasants and low cost items, so he simply made a decree that it was 1gp per mouse/rat/rodent. I gave him the cart w/ booze for free since the peasantry was confused as to how to give him so many mice and they knew he'd give them lots more money if they kept him good 'n drunk.

    Session had to stop for a while because we were all quite literally rolling on the floor laughing. His character was a gnome rogue in spiked full-plate with a dwarven jester's outfit stretched over it, spikes ripping through at various parts. I should've seen the mice coming.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:40 No.18254418
    Great. Now my keyboard is covered in tea.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:40 No.18254423
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    >Okay, so, with the Recoil Baffling, I can run and shoot full-auto, right?
    >So I can run into cover, then shoot?
    >Okay, with +10 from immovable warrior, +10 from motion predictor and +20 from full auto, I'm at BS 99
    >(other player): Holy shit
    >(GM): Okay, roll it
    >(I roll)*rolls a 1*
    >Every player is silent
    >Chaos erupts
    >(GM): That's 9 degrees of sucess... so 10 hits. Roll damage
    >(I roll)
    >(GM): That's ten kills.
    >End of session
    >You all get 4 renown. Anon(me) gets 6.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:49 No.18254501
    >PC: Alright, my full-played dwarfen defender with her tower shield goes into defense stance. I have an AC of 31.
    >DM: Alright. The behir stretches his hand towards you... what's your grapple modifier?
    >PC: Uhh... 7?
    >DM: Alright, roll it.
    >PC: 14.
    >DM: Alright. The behir picks you up and swallows you.

    It's funny because it was her 3rd character is three sessions. So she decided to make the toughest thing she could think of.
    >> torchisout 03/08/12(Thu)13:51 No.18254514
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)13:54 No.18254536

    >Later on, same campaign.
    >Thud watches as fighter swings his sword in an arc and mows down about 5 skeletons.
    >"Thud want to try!"
    >Pick up fighter and swing him, killing about 4 skeletons and knocking the fighter out.
    >Use him the rest of the combat.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)14:01 No.18254592
         File: 1331233282.jpg-(12 KB, 151x155, 1330907504207.jpg)
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    >Victorian era CoC
    >Players are two lords attending a party celebrating the engagement of one of the character's sister
    >Shit goes downtown, people suddenly missing and stuff
    >Find maid and ask her to take to the sister
    >Maid obliges and disappears around corner
    >They follow, she is already at the next corner
    >Happens a bunch of times
    >When they are about to lose their patience, they find her in front of a door
    >Door opens, huge fanged maw
    >Maid is the 'lantern' of a huge corridor anglerfish
    >Arms errupt from the walls and try to push the lords towards the maw
    >They ace a dozen dodge tests and fucking dance down 3 corridors into safety
    >Ask for sanity check
    >Both roll a 01
    >"My, I have to say, dear friend, that was a most queer incident!"
    >"Oh I say! What a queer incident indeed!"
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)14:02 No.18254600
    I mean, whatever a critical success was in CoC, it's been a while since I touched it.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)14:02 No.18254601

    Reminds me of the wizard-sorcerer in a gestalt game I ran a single session of.
    >nat 20 on knowledge-arcana
    >identifies mushrooms as a dangerous and powerful mind-control agent of a fungal hivemind
    >"Hey, guys, check out these cool 'shrooms!" *nomnomnom*

    The rest of the session he ran around shoving handfuls in peoples faces. The player didn't care that he was doing precisely what the mind-control / geaes was encouraging, and I was only bothered because he was playing the one character who should've known better in every way. I made him auto-fail his will saves for such blatant trolling and he wound up watching me do the trolling with his character. He never came back.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)14:04 No.18254612
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)14:05 No.18254621
    >Party consists of the following; human fighter who just loves her some hack'n'slash, dwarf bard (me) who tries to lie and steal his way through everything, and elf aquatic-sorcerer who is dwarf's butler of sorts.
    >Wagon with a shoddy wheel, and a sizable escort of rough-looking fellows coming from other direction.
    >Both wagons stop, couple of guys from opposing wagon begin to approach.
    >I yell at them to stay there for a minute. Express to party that I think we're being ambushed. Elf protests.
    >"You can't trust these kind of people, Fish! This is a set-up, a ruse to make us drop our guard. I know these kind of people, I AM THESE PEOPLE."
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)14:10 No.18254659
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)14:18 No.18254729
    >"I'm not chaotic neutral, I'm just practical"
    >> Funky Solar/Marine 03/08/12(Thu)14:22 No.18254761
    that happened in my last campaing more times it should really happened
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)14:24 No.18254789
    One of the only time's I've not raged at this fucking joke.

    >playing 3.5e in desert city setting
    >One guy playing epic disguise-based diplomancer
    >Wearing a device that makes him shorter but hurts after a while of use
    >Starts screaming in pain
    >Guardsman walks up to see if he's hurt
    >He says he'll be fine, it's an old injury
    >"I used to be a guardsman like you, but then I took an arrow to the knee"
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)14:24 No.18254794
    >DH Campaign. Group has been though hell, is finally on a ship relaxing.
    >Not only has the game been intense, but we've turned it into our own personal version of "Aliens"
    >One player has nicknamed everyone various "Aliens" based names, he was Hicks, I was Vasquez.
    >Hicks finds a Ratkin shopkeeper on the ship. Vox's Vasquez.
    >Hicks: Hey Vasquez... guess what I found?
    >Vasquez: What is it now Hicks... for the emperor's sake.
    >Hicks *Snicker* A Ratkin... I left him...cheese.
    >Vasquez: *blink* You...what.
    >Hicks: Cheese, I left him cheese, outside the *laughs* Door to his shop... I nicknamed him Jerry... the cheese *laughs harder* Is under one of those little trap boxes, I'm waiting for him to come out ... *snicker* I'm gonna trap him.
    >Vasquez: Oh this isn't going to end well.

    >Hear Slug Thrower go off... Rush out to find the shopkeep pissed, holding a smoking shotgun, with Hicks running his ass off in the opposite dirrection.

    Needless to say, the game stopped there for a while, since the player playing Hicks was literally on the floor and could hardly breathe.
    >> Funky Solar/Marine 03/08/12(Thu)14:27 No.18254817
    "I dont care how many guards that motherfucker has, I dont care how powerful are his wizards, the only thing I care is the kid I was send to rescue!"
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)14:27 No.18254818
    >Party finds and attempts to identify a newly found potion by taste.
    >It's actually Oil of Slipperiness (because random loot)
    >DM: It goes down smooth. REAL smooth.

    Same session
    >Warforged tries to charge to break down a door, which was only described as a doorway.
    >DM: Make a Spot Check
    >Warforged Player: 1
    >DM: You fail to see the lack of a door.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)14:36 No.18254883
    I like it
    >> Funky Solar/Marine 03/08/12(Thu)14:38 No.18254900
    We where in a celebration which was hosted by a huge dragon who was the lord of a complete plane.
    the dragon was doing a spectacle while shape-shifting during a dance.

    We had a half-celestian Paladin

    Paladin: I want to ask the dragon for some of his scales.
    Gm: Yeah? ok, what is your offer?
    Paladin: I have Appareance 18, I offer him my body
    Gm and group: You what?!
    Paladin: Yes, I offer myself to sleep with the dragon in order to have some scales and have an a Half-Dragon son
    Gm allowed it and the paladin was 3 month in-game pregnant and got an armor made out of the scales of said dragon.
    And she became comedy relief
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)14:42 No.18254917
    "Our influence stopped the peasant rebelleion, but before that, we held the line!

    Our influence stopped the slave revolts, but before that, we held the line!

    Our influence will stop the Bolsheviks, and we will hold the line!"
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)14:43 No.18254927
    How to deal with rabid bunnies:

    "I bop it on the nose and tell it it's being a bad bunny. I use Super Luck to roll a three for this."

    This made it cry and run away.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)14:45 No.18254941
    >And she became comedy relief.
    I don't follow. Please explain?
    >> Funky Solar/Marine 03/08/12(Thu)14:52 No.18254984
    technically, everytime we encounter a sort of good aligned monster npc who had a hint or an important item, it became "why dont you sleep with him?, we can make this way faster if you do" also, it was even more funny when we found a sand dragon (which actually killed my character defending the paladin) who wanted to have sex with the paladin because he was in heat and he hasnt fuck anything in 30 years or more. He was a powerfull wizard also
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)14:53 No.18254988
    ...Did they fuck?
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)14:55 No.18255001
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    Quite right.
    >> Funky Solar/Marine 03/08/12(Thu)14:56 No.18255007
    no, my character stopped 3 attemps of mating.
    he recieved a 28d6 damage fire breath as a reward.
    after that, the dragon didnt want to fight anymore. I felt proud. I was playing a warfoged also, I was so angry at one of my party members that tried to infuse hate into my sword. It worked and a part of my soul went into the sword.. I became a cursed sword for a while
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)14:56 No.18255008
    A powerful wizard and he can't even summon bitches? Some wizard, I say.
    >> Funky Solar/Marine 03/08/12(Thu)14:57 No.18255021
    dunno man, i became a cockblocker so i didnt payed attention in that momment
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)14:58 No.18255022
    How did that work out
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)14:58 No.18255028
    >Warforged cockblocker.
    So... You were a sentinent chasity belt?
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)15:00 No.18255046
    Or were you just pissed that you couldn't get some?
    >> Funky Solar/Marine 03/08/12(Thu)15:01 No.18255052
    bad, i was half hp when i got roasted, i was hit like by 80 damage and i had like 50


    nah, i didnt asked for a dick addon
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)15:04 No.18255072
         File: 1331237046.png-(48 KB, 689x431, Victorian CoC.png)
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    Because I can.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)15:05 No.18255079
    "Is the Black pudding edible?"
    "No but you are."
    several failed checks later
    "Someone get the necromancer away from the pudding, he's had to much."
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)15:08 No.18255112
    >DM: With your last attack you launch the lich off the top of the tower, his glowing gaze tracks you until he disappears over the edge
    >Barbarian: Action Point, charge that motherfucker.
    >DM: Wai- He fell off the tower!
    >Barb: And I'm jumping off it, whats your point? Oh, this counts as a charge right?
    The story of how I got my first lich skull cup.


    >Barb: So, uh, is he here of his free will?
    Said to the succubus on the 6th plane of hell.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)15:10 No.18255130
    This is not so funny, as it was awesome:

    GM(Me): The Chaos sorcerer turns to the kill-team and starts saying "Finally, Brothers, you have.."
    Black Templars Assault Marine: I throw a primed meltabomb to his face.

    He rolls, succeeds, melta goes of and leaves the sorcerer with 2 wounds. Before I can say "He's still standing", the Space Wolves Tactical Marine goes:

    "Kill-team, furious charge. Now"

    I applauded them as they crushed the sorcerer to a fine mist before he could finish his first sentence.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)15:12 No.18255149
    "Alright, I'm here guys, what did I miss?"
    "Water Dragon, huh? I'm going to charge it and try and climb it. No, I don't care that it's busy trying to murder us all."
    "Can I dodge into it's mouth?"
    "Alright, having succesfully lodged myself in it's throat, I'm going to toss my backpack down the throat. Shall I start rolling 50d6 for all the alchemist's fire I keep in there?"

    And that was how an excellent bro finished the final boss fight of a campaign in three rounds.
    >> Symphony !WGIWxyZGCo 03/08/12(Thu)15:13 No.18255150
    From our shadowrun campaign

    Troll: Okay, so we're pinned to this wall because we cant move without being turned into swiss cheese like the idiot that opened the door? I start throwing chisels.
    ST: What?
    Troll: I have 15 strength and 50 chisels. I start throwing chisels round the corner.

    17 chisels later, the fully armed SWAT team was dead.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)15:16 No.18255172
         File: 1331237768.gif-(1.96 MB, 186x186, AWALKINGDOGFFS.gif)
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    Reminded me of my CoC story.

    >CoC game setted in the thirties.
    >Solo game of only me and the GM.
    >I'm a detective, surprise surprise.
    >Off to investigate a case of a stolen corpse.
    >The crime scene has the clothing and expensive jewlery of the deceased neatly piled where the body was supposed to be.
    >Claw marks at the door.
    >Muddy footprints.
    >... Something peculiar about them, time to roll investigation.
    >"As you study the footprints, you notice that these belong to a VERY large dog, but when you look at the alingment, it seems that the dog was WALKING UPRIGHT! SANITY CHECK!
    >Cool. My first sanity check ever. Let's do this.
    >Critical failure.
    >Rolling from temporary insanity table.
    >Suicidal mania...
    >My detective proceeds to run to the furnance meant to cremate bodies, and tries to burn himself alive.
    >Policemen in the scene manage to stop him in the nick of time.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)15:18 No.18255185
    Can I roll an appraise check on the little girl?
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)15:20 No.18255199
    I always wanted to make a Troll character that specialized in "random shit" combat. He'd carry a pack of heavyish objects (like a cue ball, hammer, gallon of spoiled milk) and just chuck shit at any opponent he ran into. My ultimate goal was to build his strength up enough that he could wade into a group of enemies, grapple one, and beat the rest of the opposing squad to death with their buddy.

    Unfortunately, I was the only person to ever run our Shadowrun games, no one took over after my campaign ended...
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)15:21 No.18255208
    ...How did you survive the fall?
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)15:22 No.18255219
    Well, me and a small group of people play Dark Heresy over IRC. Turns out the latest addition to the party's player can't type English for the life of him, leading to such gems as
    ""hahahah, This was so fun" I say, good sir, would like to take to your bloody place or not""
    "What the hell, what was that. What was: what was, that just now my god. I bow at Rapheal"
    or the time old classic
    "The data and an infant he has read all the while are deing""
    Now, his character's Scum, and combined with this and the player's terrible grasp on the English language leads to another character's aristocrat character getting incredibly pissed off. Turns out the Scum character doesn't even know who the Emperor is, which naturally leads to a debate on whether they should try to educate him about the Emperor or just kill him on the spot, with the occasional input of the Scum character's player's... unique dialect, which led to this: "... can I burn him for Idiocy? That RHYMES with Heresy, right?"
    Then there was the part where another character, who everyone referred to as a gypsy, electrocuted another teammate who was attacking him due to a sudden spike in Corruption. Afterwards one of the characters started whistling this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-wX8AbBWc08
    Then there was another time when one of the characters wanted to cover the floor of a small room with the closest thing they could find to lego bricks, which were wood chips, lock someone inside after taking off their footwear, and forcing them to walk around in the dark as an interrogation technique.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)15:23 No.18255225

    He's a barbarian. Falling damage maxes at 120. If he's level 8, he can have more HP than that.
    >> 008 03/08/12(Thu)15:27 No.18255256
    "Okay, before we move this zeppelin, we need to figure out how much it weighs"
    "It's a lighter then air ship, it's at least what, -1 pounds?"
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)15:32 No.18255287
    We're from the same game, aren't we...?
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)15:37 No.18255320
    >Falling with a spear
    >THROWING it instead of setting it downward and landing on the BBEG jump-dragoon style
    >> Funky Solar/Marine 03/08/12(Thu)15:40 No.18255331
    mommentum bro, it goes hand in had with the rule of cool
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)15:48 No.18255380
    >"I'm a god-damn sexual predator!"
    >"...do you mean Tyrannosaurus?"
    >"Fuck, what did I say?"

    >"Don't worry about the blood coming out of his ears, guys. I used Stun Ball, so it's only STUN BLOOD. He's FINE."
    >"He's dead."

    >"Sorry, I can't kidnap him for you, no matter the price. It's against my religion. I can kill him for you no problems, though."

    >"Stop curb-stomping the unconscious Yakuza to death, that's not honourable."
    >"These guys run drug cartels, human trafficking and child sex rings."
    >"Carry on."

    >"Your character portrait doesn't look like a hard-boiled P.I. at all. He looks like Duke Nukem."
    >"Guess I'm playing Duke Nukem then."
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)15:49 No.18255389
    (My character, upon being called a Mage)"I am a WIZARD, not a MAGE. I am not some inbred donkey that simply stumbled onto the arcane."

    (After one character was reading a note in private, and another pretended to sleep to track them)
    "Since when do you go to sleep at this hour?"
    "Since when do YOU read NOTES at this hour?"

    (DM to player)
    "You cease to exist."
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)15:52 No.18255400
    >"One, we don't black-bag people! Two, we don't talk about it around the government liason!"
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)15:55 No.18255422
    the lich was focused on the fighter prior, and his minions, a swarm of life sapping energy hands targeted fortitude, leaving me at near full hp.

    So I survived, if narrowly.

    A half dozen sessions later I got a ring of feather fall and never had to worry about it again. Til that time in the abyss.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)15:56 No.18255439
    "So you, the Ghost of a Fairy stuck in a Tree, met the queen of hating ghosts who was fine with you being a ghost and made you one of her secret exclusive hunters. And then you drank alcohol so strong can affect the dead...in a vampire club..."

    She sighs "Likely the same club with the diablerie vampires..." She stops and thinks over what she just said.

    "I go back to my previous statement. How much drugs were you on? Because...no part of that should happen in any sane universe."

    Dungeons the Dragoning is fun.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)15:58 No.18255448
    yeah I feel that.

    Got thrown off of an airship, landed on a lich after acing some acrobatic rolls.

    Of course it helps that my DM applies falling damage to both parties.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)15:58 No.18255450
    >"Guess I'm playing Duke Nukem then."
    Hell. Yeah. Motherfucker.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)16:00 No.18255463
    "I swear I'll kill him!"

    "He's been killed before, it obviously didn't work."

    "Then I'll do it until it fucking TAKES!"
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)16:00 No.18255468
    you're the second of my players who spotted this

    so probably ya :)
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)16:07 No.18255511

    I picture him in the T-Rex's mouth, braced with both feet and trying to hold it open, shouting that right before the jaw closes and there's a shower of blood.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)16:12 No.18255544
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)16:30 No.18255717
    "Let's attack!"

    "You'll sink the boat, and we're in the middle of the ocean."

    "There are probably lifeboats!"
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)16:37 No.18255768
    "I dramatically turn to face the oncoming horde. I narrow my eyes at its leader, standing firm in the face of his challenge. Then I open my mouth and I shout, 'RUN LIKE YOUR ASSES ARE ON FIRE!' before bolting."
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)17:07 No.18256038
    "You are now shoulder-deep in spider anus"
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)17:12 No.18256086
    one player has a habit of getting in to trouble with either the law or the local criminal organization.

    "Okay. So first, I found this amazing new town that is basically one giant marketplace. Second, we can never go back there o_o;; "
    >> Sciencezam Von Sciencestein !!eh0Fgi0FQSV 03/08/12(Thu)17:15 No.18256109
    From Victoriana game:

    "This is now officially a Wuxia game."
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)17:17 No.18256130
    >Dread Necromancer, bit of a cynical asshole
    >Trying to find information about murdered wizards in local bar
    >Try to talk to bartender
    >He doesn't feel like talking
    >Call him an asshole
    >Start a barfight
    >End it by throwing up my hands and yelling "I'M A DETECTIVE HERE TO SOLVE THE MURDERS!"
    >Entire party stops, and stares at me
    >Succeed the bluff check
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)17:18 No.18256146
    Party warlock casts some mind control spell on a completely harmless river boatman. Lets you say and do whatever you want to the person then wipes their memory of the last couple of minutes.

    Party spends next couple of minutes IC trying to decide on how to manipulate him. I forget why. DM is getting a bit bored of waiting for them to get their shit together and says
    DM: "The spell is going to run out shortly. 5..."
    Warlock: "uhhh...ummm"
    DM: "4..."
    W: "so...umm.." *starts panicking*
    DM: "3...2..."

    boatman regains control and is drowning. Party "saves" him and gets a free ride down the river.

    Now whenever that player gets in to situations where a quick decision is required we all shout "I PUSH HIM IN THE RIVER"
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)17:22 No.18256190
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    >The wizard turns back into his Eldarin form, the Dwarf hanging onto his leg finding himself falling toward the city below
    "Shit, shit, erm, roll endurance?"
    >Nat 20
    >"...... the dwarf hits the cobblestones feet-first, smashing the ground where he lands."
    ("I roll to intimidate")
    >Another nat 20
    >The legion of guards chasing him, upon seeing this spectacle, decide "WELL FUCK THAT"
    >Entire group's face when
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)17:39 No.18256337
    >Later in the campaign
    >Took Destructive Retribution as a feat
    >Left some skeletons in a shack while we talked to the townsfolk
    >They don't realize I'm a necromancer
    >Innkeeper volunteers to grab something we left in the shack
    >He goes out
    >I realize the skeletons are in there
    >"Uh, guys, we need to go. I, uh, left the skeletons in the shack."
    >Scream from shack
    >"No, no, we'll be fine."
    >"No, we really need to go. THE SKELETONS ARE GOING TO EXPLODE WHEN THEY DIE."
    >Entire party turns and stares at me
    >Shack is now gone

    Had fun times with that guy.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)17:58 No.18256528
    Our party Paladin had been ko'ed and his unconscious, bleeding body knocked back onto a wagon.
    We were being overrun by zombies, and we needed him badly.
    I was out of Inspiring Words, but I had a healing potion. I scrambled up onto the wagon, stood over the Paladin, fired an arrow, took out a healing potion and force fed it to him.
    The DM turns to the Paldadin, "You regain consciousness, you notice the half-elf straddling your head. There's a strange taste in your mouth. It's your turn."
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)18:05 No.18256585
    >fighting a treasure dragon (dragon made of cool loot and gold and stuff)
    >I'm a drunken master monk
    >spot an awesome looking gun in the dragon's mouth
    "Alright, I charge."
    "Where do you charge?"
    "I charge into the dragon's mouth."
    >my dm's face when
    >I charge in
    "Okay, what's your AC?"
    "Let's see...that's 30 base...+3 from Law Devotion...+2 from Swaying Waist...+4 from mage Armor...+4 from Shield...and, uh, this is an Attack of Opportunity, right?"
    "That's another +4 from Mobility. So...do you hit a 47?"
    "Okay, I charge in, yank out the gun, and thanks to Spring Attack, I run out back to safety."
    "...You dick."

    The gun I got is a magical gun, so I use it when I can't hit people properly.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)18:13 No.18256671
    Not one I experienced, but one I watched.
    "Jonn, smash a hole in the floor and see if you can find out what's happening below!"
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)18:18 No.18256712
    Also, "I'd like to buy some defensive armor."
    >buy some defensive armor
    >some defensive armor
    >defensive armor
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)18:19 No.18256730
    I have seen a PC purchase ballistic armor before - armor designed to fire them physically at someone like a cannon ball. With PC logic in place, specifying that the armor is to be defensive is a valid point.
    >> Dragoon 03/08/12(Thu)18:19 No.18256743
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    >Party fighting a high level succubus, she has some power in necromancy and summoning demons, a BBEG in this part of the story.
    >Party fought well but left with only the barbarian to attack and try to save them.
    >Barbarian is Half-Orc with human side being black.
    >Last attack.
    >Roll and miss
    Barbarian: ...can I slap the hoes ass!?
    >We all stare at him.
    DM(me):...this should be fun. Roll 'em
    >Rolls 18. Hits.
    DM: Roll for strength check.
    >Natural 20
    DM: ...one more time.
    >Another natural 20
    >mfw he imprinted his palm on the BBEGs ass permanently without a chance of healing it.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)18:21 No.18256759
    "You guys are cunts i'm leaving" The best thing that guy ever said. The session got better after his leave too.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)18:32 No.18256852
    >"Fuck it, If any more of you magic users-"

    >"I don't use magic my power is divi-"

    >"It's fucking magic, anyway, if any of you guys start fighting again I will walk over there and fuck your shit up."

    why must my party be full of lawful good dragonborn, and 'neutral' characters who want to steal from one another and generally make everything we do far longer than it should be.

    on another note

    >"I try to find some stilts, or something to use as stilts"

    "why stilts?"

    >I'm a dwarven fighter who's wanted by the law, if I disguise myself as a human they'll never find me"

    "roll for stilts then..."


    "you find the perfect branches to use as stilts"

    I then managed to buy a town guard uniform from the criminal underground

    I then spent the next 2 sessions passing every bluff check whilst the DM failed every perception check that he had NPCs/random members of the town guard make to see if they saw through my disguise.

    The one time it failed because I got sick of waiting for the party in a library and stood outside where I was spotted by guards and they finally managed to discover me when I failed a bluff check.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)18:33 No.18256858

    I miss that campaign. Wish they'd at least have finished it before dropping it forever...
    >> A Random Drunkard 03/08/12(Thu)18:33 No.18256861
    >DM: You can see the wizard on top of his tower beginning the ritual. There are two guards at the door in full plate brandishing maces and tower shields.
    >Me: I'll spend a ki point to increase my move speed for the round. Gives me a total of 80'. I'll run up the tower.
    >DM: As you run up to the door, the guards...
    >Me: NO! I run UP the tower, Wall climber gives me a climb speed so if it is 100' tall, I should be able to get up there this round.
    >DM: ...Alright fine, as you get up to the top, the the wizard has begun his incantation. He is about 20 feet from you.
    >Me: Alright, I only use 100 feet of movement on my run so I'll use the remaining 20 to run up on him. Then I'll grapple him .
    >DM: Ok, you got him in a grapple, he begins...
    >Me: Hold up, that was only my first attack, I still got 3 more this round. I'll start by breaking his jaw with Jawbreaker, then i'll pin him.
    >DM: Ok just let me (rolls d20) A one!?!
    >Me: Ha! next round I drag him over to the edge and throw him off the tower.
    >DM: Ok, while falling he casts feather fall.
    >Me: No verbal components with a busted jaw *trollface*
    >DM: . . .
    >> An Experienced DM 03/08/12(Thu)18:41 No.18256928
    >"So, what's the bounty on our heads?" Me, a player.

    > "A million gold pieces." The DM says.

    > DM watches party reactions and facepalms.
    Every encounter got 1million GP worth of shit harder.

    As well as;

    > Devias Wrex had been KO'd by the party, and is then put in the boot of a hatchback car. He then wakes up after they've made it to some minor B road and peers up from the parcel shelf.

    > "You bastards, putting me in a boot!"
    > "What, you were unconcious." Kepto sniper.
    > "Put me in the boot agai-"
    > "Okay!" The reclimator shuts the parcel shelf on Wrex.

    A short shoot out later, the car was trashed and half the party was nearly dead. I, the DM, was laughing my arse off all the way through.

    As well as

    > Reclamator: "I tech-use it!"
    > Usually included punching it. Everything.
    > Includes 'Tech-using' their boss.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)18:46 No.18256968
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    > Devias Wrex had been KO'd by the party, and is then put in the boot of a hatchback car. He then wakes up after they've made it to some minor B road and peers up from the parcel shelf.

    > "You bastards, putting me in a boot!"
    > "What, you were unconcious." Kepto sniper.
    > "Put me in the boot agai-"
    > "Okay!" The reclimator shuts the parcel shelf on Wrex.

    Can't unsee Mass Effect Wrex peeping out from under the parcel shelf, now.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)18:50 No.18257018
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    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)18:58 No.18257107
    How did you manage to run AND attack? Running is a full round action.
    >> Silverknob 03/08/12(Thu)19:02 No.18257142
    My guess is he got a suprise round or something?
    >> A Random Drunkard 03/08/12(Thu)19:03 No.18257156
    Spent the first round running. Then used a hero point to act out of order. Wizard was suprised and tied up doing an incantation. DM basically caved to the logic of "Wouldn't you be suprised if someone ran straight up the wall of your fucking house tokick your ass on the roof?"
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)19:07 No.18257181
    > "I roll to intimidate the little girl."
    > Critical Success
    >"I intimidate her so hard you can hear voices in the background chanting, 'KOYAANISQATSI'"
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)19:18 No.18257276
    From my first DnD campaign with some schoolmates back in highschool:

    DM: "You have awoken in a swamp. Your weapons and armour have been stolen.You see several riders on wyverns circling above you."
    Player: "I'm going to try and find out who they are."
    DM: "Alright, roll diplomacy."
    >Rolls terribly
    DM: "Roll initiative."

    And that was also the last game of DnD I ever managed to play.
    >> An Experienced DM 03/08/12(Thu)19:21 No.18257300
    Playing a 3.5 game, we had a Ninja with no ranks in Bluff, Disguise, or Diplomacy.

    We're running around the BBEG's castle, trying to find a way out (we'd been captured by the power of rail roa- I mean DEUS EX MACHINA!) and had been kept captive in his dungeon cells.
    > We're just about to leave when we hear voices behind a door that we don't give a shit about, probably a food hall.
    > Ninja goes "Hey, isn't he the same character class/progession as me?"
    > DM goes "Yeah...?"
    > I kick down the door and shout "I AM ADAMARO, BITCHES! TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS AND GO TO MY ROOM!"
    >Player Nat 20s 4 rolls
    >DM Nat 1s 3, rolls 2 on last.
    > The two guardsmen and the two unseen ninja take their trousers off and go to the BBEG's bed room.

    Silence for about 30 seconds. Then laughter. My gods, the laughter!
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)19:48 No.18257591
    I've noticed that the dice gods favor the retarded responses. They are cruel fucks, but they know a thing or 2 about comedy.
    >> Dowjin !!9I4SJG4jQPb 03/08/12(Thu)19:51 No.18257630
    >playing a paladin

    "We can't give up! This is for the greater good."

    "And right now that's me."
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)21:03 No.18258412
    Playing 3.5, Party is trying to plan an assault on an underwater aboleth kongdom.
    After remaining quiet for some of the discussion our Orc Fighter exclaims loudly
    >Wait! Swimming is based on Strength! Forget swimming spells, I'm like Michael Phelps up in this bitch.

    Different game, trying to tempt a much too powerful for us hydra away from some much needed supply crates which the dumb beast had adopted as its eggs.
    >Sorcerer: So it's been here for awhile, does it look like the hydra's left the nest to eat?
    >DM: No, it seems pretty intent on watching its "eggs"
    >Sorcerer: Right. I summon a delicious pony!
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)21:38 No.18258803
    Our party's most bloodthirsty member is alone with a prisoner and interrogating him "her way", keeps cutting him and poking him and finally chops off a finger. The screams draw the rest of the party running.

    Soldier: "NO! You cannot do this! WE! DO! NOT! TORTURE!

    ... We use 'enhanced interrogation.' Get me some water and towels."
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)21:39 No.18258813
    "Wait, we're supposed to be roleplaying?"
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)21:44 No.18258873
    >trying to rescue NPC's girlfriend from Innsmouth
    >bust into her house
    >her grandmother appears, starts screaming and berating us and demanding we leave her home
    >Me, as a PC who'd newly joined: "This the broad we're looking for?"
    >"No, she's-"
    >Me: "I punch her out."
    >DM: "What, the old lady?"
    >Me: "Yep."

    I then proceed to critically fail my attack roll, and get slapped silly with a slipper.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)21:49 No.18258913
    Rogue Trader PC: "If anyone takes my cigarettes, I will act accordingly."
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)21:53 No.18258956
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)21:55 No.18258966
    DM: The lich pulls out a grappling hook and begins climbing down the castle wall
    Player:Ha ha, oh god yes I kick it off
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)22:00 No.18259005
    > Tech-Priest PC: Lord-Commander, we have found something interesting. Evidently, the local population are using the dried corpses of the mutants as the main ingredient in their Lho-stick production.
    > Chain-smoking Rogue Trader PC: ...Dammit, that means we have to leave some of them alive.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)22:00 No.18259014
    You let sex jokes devolve into rape jokes?

    Why? They're less funny.
    >> The Long-Awaited Return of Gateway !A0rZLfg4Oc 03/08/12(Thu)22:03 No.18259039
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    >my Wizard casts a spell
    >BBEG: Nice trick, did your mother teach you that?
    >BBEG had previously killed my Wizard's mother
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)22:03 No.18259050
    Party is boarding a ship.

    >GM: There's workers loading cargo onto the ship.
    >Player: What kind of cargo?
    >GM: Crates, barrels and sacks.
    >Player: Can I see what's in it?
    >GM: Yeah probably. It's...
    >rolls on some random chart
    >GM: Grass? What the fuck?
    >Player: Oh I get it, it's the Flying Dutchman.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)22:12 No.18259135

    Deliciously low blow.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)22:13 No.18259142
    >GM: There's workers loading cargo onto the ship.
    >Player: What kind of cargo?
    >GM: Crates, barrels and sacks.
    >Player: Can I see what's in it?
    >GM: Yeah probably. It's...
    >rolls on some random chart
    >GM: Cocaine
    >Player: na...
    >GM: Nana
    >Player: Nanana...

    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)22:13 No.18259146
    Now this is how you play Evil.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)22:14 No.18259152
    I did something kind of like this
    >Half-orc, full blown retarded
    >Sees a campfire outside near a house
    >Takes wood, lights random hut on fire
    >House was a moon rat colony, hundreds of rats pour out of flaming house.
    >Town in now engulfed in flaming buildings and the forest becomes ablaze.
    Long story short, I accidentally burnt down a small village and the surrounding forest.
    >> The Long-Awaited Return of Gateway !A0rZLfg4Oc 03/08/12(Thu)22:15 No.18259170
    Do you know a girl named Ari?
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)22:17 No.18259193
    >So we're trapped in Limbo. Any ideas how to get out of this?
    >Didn't David Hasselhoff have a song about this place? Maybe there's a clue in the lyrics.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)22:18 No.18259200
    "Grow the fuck up".

    DM to a player who had the bad habit of getting drunk during or before our game sessions.
    >> Jeb !!Ptc02ZkICDD 03/08/12(Thu)22:19 No.18259215
    >Throws a quiver or 20 unholy arrows to the paladin who wants to kill my dread necro
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)22:24 No.18259263
    GM: so it's a small but fearsome dragon, his skin his all black and he's covered in spikes and...
    Player: what size is he ?
    GM: well smaller than a horse about the size of a pony
    Me: are we attacked by a dark evil pony ?
    (this was in 2006 or something, long before that brony shit)
    >we soon cast a bunch of randomly generated spells upon it, making him a sort of walking bush, covered in leaves and eventually becoming our friend
    Player: well I'll name our new friend the evil dragon pony bush George if everyone is okay we that.
    >> Jeb !!Ptc02ZkICDD 03/08/12(Thu)22:31 No.18259339
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    >Rogue "I roll a search on the door for a trap"
    natural 19 but only +4 ranks
    >DM "You believe its trapped, all you can see is a small string leading around the top left of the door. Very well hidden"
    >Rogue "I carefully cut the string."
    >DM "okay"
    >Rogue "I open the door...follow me guys! I did it!"
    >DM "20 bolts thud into your chest, the party see your riddled corpse collapse to the floor."
    >Rogue "But I cut the rope"
    >DM "You cut the safety rope..."

    His face when that was his 5th rogue to go down
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)22:33 No.18259363
    My party was once climbing a tower to meet the arcane deity living at the top. The tower was full of magic, traps, conjured creatures, all sorts of shit.

    They get to the next floor.

    > DM: "Okay, the next room opens to a giant bottomless pit, about 15 feet across. Above it, half-way across, hangs a rope, attached to a pole further up that extends the diameter of the room.
    > Rogue: "Okay, I jump to tarzan across the gap while the fighter and paladin take off their armor to put it into their bags of holding so they can make the jump.
    > Rolls. Passes.
    > DM: "Okay, roll a fort save."
    > Rogue: "Okay... ummm.. " Passes.
    > DM: "You grab the rope. As you clench on, you feel a sharp pain shoot through your hands, but you manage to hold on, swing and jump over. As you land, you look at your hands, and they're dripping from dep lacerations in both your palms."
    > "The rest of you see blood running down the rope. Roll spot."
    > Rolls.
    > "You all see that, under the rope, lie many small barbs, cutting up the palms of anyone who grabs it unaware. The bard notices the blood is pooling in mid-air over the pit, under the rope."
    > The Bard: "That's not magical at all! That's just evil!"

    There was an invisible bridge underneath the rope all along, and they could just walk across.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)22:39 No.18259424
    That's just douchey.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)22:43 No.18259483
    Shaman, when being asked if she feels anything weird for the 50th time: I DON'T FEEL SHIT, I NEVER DID AND NEITHER WILL YOU BELOW YOUR NECK IF YOU ASK ME ONE MORE TIME!
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)22:47 No.18259517
    "Sorry Erik, looks like we will have to hold off on your donkey rollplaying"
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)22:47 No.18259529
    "IZ YOU LOOT?"
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)22:48 No.18259532
         File: 1331264891.jpg-(71 KB, 700x962, 1330654658861.jpg)
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    >ills ccorplea
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)22:48 No.18259539
    Sounds similar to a character playing an awakened bear in one of my games. Except he was throwing corpses across a town to take things out.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)22:54 No.18259604
    "Becomes less of a mushroom" wow...I just...wow. This thread's the shit.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)22:56 No.18259629
    the entire deffwotch archives, in other words?
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)22:58 No.18259643
    >Ogre in Changeling campaign
    "So...how big is this wall?"
    Our maps keep getting demolished, it's hilariously sad for our ST.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)23:05 No.18259740
    I could see myself pulling that one, if the DC of the trap were 25. Having it be strong enough for a one hit kill is a different matter, though... Dickery is more fun when it is applied to otherwise lesser dangers. Like when I had the a pile of coins animate and attack my level 1 party. It was annoying as fuck because I gave it some dr and ok hp, but not dangerous because it had shit for attack damage.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)23:06 No.18259759
    "Wow, that roll means you are one ugly centaur, but it's okay because you have nice breasts."
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)23:26 No.18260024
    Playing Black Crusade:

    >Renegade pumped up that he just cut a mutant in half
    >Chaos Marine then cuts a mutant in half and punches another off a ledge
    >Pause as they stop and look at each other
    >Renegade: "Oooh! We got ourselves a badass over here!"
    The Renegade was lucky he was out of arms reach.

    Later on:
    >An Inquisitor is contacting the party via Skull Probe
    >Apostate attempts to bluff and make the Inquisitor think he was one of his Acolytes
    >Mid-sentence he gets cut off
    >Chaos Marine: "BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!"
    >Apostate: "Damn you both!"

    The showdown with the Inquisitor:
    >Powergaming Sorcerer attempts to deliver a supercharged Doombolt to finish him off. GM warns him of the dangers.
    >Rolls doubles
    >Psychic Phenomena: All glass breaks
    >Everyone sighs as the rolled range is just under the distance to the windows separating them from space
    >Now the perils roll: He rolls shockwave
    >All his nearby buddies take damage and willpower damage
    >The shockwave itself causes his armour to explode off of him and his gear dissolves. His large naked bulk flops onto the floor of the bridge drooling, unconscious till an hour or so after the fight.

    I love my group.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)23:26 No.18260025

    No reflex save?
    >> Anonymous 03/08/12(Thu)23:39 No.18260184
    This thread... Just hilarious.
    >> Anonymous 03/09/12(Fri)00:00 No.18260439
    These threads are always the best, and more stories are made all the time. /tg/ is the best board for comedy.
    >> Anonymous 03/09/12(Fri)00:19 No.18260680
    Player 1: We can't kill the prisoner, that would be an evil act
    Player 2: But she might cast spells on us.
    1: Then we'll cut off her fingers, cut out her tongue, and blindfold her.

    That's the short version. The long version lasted literally two hours. They eventually wound up stripping the prisoner naked, throwing her manacled and tied up onto the back of a horse, and riding her into town to rot in the local jail for questioning. Never went back to question her...
    >> Anonymous 03/09/12(Fri)06:07 No.18263299
    The part is fighting a living sleep spell. Everyone's asleep except for the sorcerer and the bard.
    >Sorcerer finishes the battle with a mgic missile.
    >Bard and sorcerer decides to cook up an epic battle story involving dragons, minotours and demons that showed up while the rest of the group was sleeping.
    >Bluff roll: 35
    >Everyone else is eternally grateful for their "rescuers" and their "epic powers".
    The bard actually wrote a song about it, and thanks to the fact that she performs it whenever she has a chance to, 1/4 of the continent now knows about their "epic feats of bravery".
    >> Anonymous 03/09/12(Fri)06:13 No.18263331
    >"You know, we should probably be really careful about grabbing that artifact. Everyone knows that when you grab the artifact at the end of a dungeon, the dungeon collapses."
    >"You're right. We'd better rest first."
    *8 hour rest*
    >"Alright, I'm searching the niche for traps."
    *Finds nothing*
    >"Alright guys, I'm gonna grab it. Everyone, prepare to run as fast as you can!"
    Whole group stands next to the exit while a lone PC closes in towards the artifact.
    >"I grab it really quickly and dashes towards the door."
    >DM: "Alright. You reach towards the artifact and close your hands around it. As you lift it... absolutelly nothing happens."
    >> Captain Keyes !7hkRu2iZOg 03/09/12(Fri)07:19 No.18263725

    I lol'd.
    >> Anonymous 03/09/12(Fri)09:55 No.18264672
         File: 1331304941.jpg-(581 KB, 1200x1803, Peewee spills his m&ms.jpg)
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    >About to take a rest in a 'safe' room in a dungeon
    >The guy who was at mostly full health took the first watch shift
    >The character who was about to replace him on watch immediately starts looking to see if everyone was asleep and he notices this
    >DM asks him via whisper if he wants to roll fortitude to stay awake
    >Does so, passes with flying colors
    >The guy makes another check, fails the perception roll and thinks everyone is asleep
    >He orders his minotaur familiar to kill our wizard because the characters hated eachother IC (no OOC grudges were held, don't worry)
    >The guy who was still awake sees the minotaur attempt to smother the wizard in his sleep and jumps up and yells "WHAT THE FUCK"
    >Fucking everyone wakes up
    Long story short, we killed him and his familiar, turns out he'd gone insane for completely legitimate reasons and we hadn't noticed. The guy who caught him in the act was running the music for the session and played this ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mM0-ZU8njdo ) when he died. Everyone promptly burst into treats and lost their spaghetti, as /v/ would say.
    >> Anonymous 03/09/12(Fri)10:02 No.18264731
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    >That song
    >> Anonymous 03/09/12(Fri)10:04 No.18264743
    >playing Rogue Trader
    >The group wants an escort for their light cruiser.
    >Find a Sword-class frigate being sold off by a down-on-his-luck Trader.
    >It's anchored at Footfall.
    >Get there to find that the ship is in the process of being stolen by pirates who are loading slave crew onto it.
    >Board. Can't get to the bridge, it's a damn bunker. Fight to the engine room instead.
    >Override environmental controls

    Pirate captain: "You can't vent all the decks! you're kill thousands of slaves!"
    Rogue Trader: "You mean nothing to me. Your slaves mean even less. Get. Off. My. Ship."

    >Player picks up dice, asks me what he needs to roll for intimidate.

    Me: "You succeed."
    >> Anonymous 03/09/12(Fri)10:06 No.18264756
    Communist talking to an American Farmer:
    "All I hear is blah blah blah I can't afford potatoes."
    >> Power Gauntlet 03/09/12(Fri)10:12 No.18264783
    From mine:
    >Roll Will save against fear.
    >Natural 20
    >"Listen, son. I've seen bigger'n you. I grew up with bigger'n you. When I was wee our mines had a dragon could be your father. It warmed up our milk bottles. And, you know what, mine WAS NEVER HOT ENOUGH."
    >The dragon cringes and backs away.

    As my dwarven fighter:

    "Hey there. You're not from around here, are you?"
    "I'm from the desert, actually."
    "Wow. You know what they say about desert dwarves, don't you? (eyebrow waggle)"
    "I don't."
    "Damn. I wish I knew, I've never screwed one before."
    >> Anonymous 03/09/12(Fri)10:19 No.18264813
    >Sneaking into a house with a (Very, VERY poorly planned) kidnapping
    >In some retarded lack of forsight, we have my Assassin, the Party rogue, and the Bard for his Intimidate
    >Which one of these things does not belong here
    >Bard stumbles into the kids room
    >Wakes them up, they all scream
    >What do you do?
    >Uh... I'M SANTA CLAUS!
    >> Anonymous 03/09/12(Fri)10:21 No.18264830
    >playing with neutral evil thief
    >we know he's evil, but we use him as the get shit done whenever someone starts moralfagging
    >he gets away with it because he's too useful to lose but knows if he goes too far we'll fuck him up
    >meet a plot critical kender
    OOC say "oh great, another untrustworthy theiving little shit" during the exposition part
    guy playing the thief nods
    "I draw my sword"
    >wut. everyone is stunned
    >"I'm the thief here AND THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!"
    >too non plussed to react
    >decapitates it.
    >...fuck it. It had it coming
    >> Power Gauntlet 03/09/12(Fri)10:30 No.18264875
    As my cleric:
    "I roll Diplomacy to try to calm down the ifrit. ...One.

    >We capture an enemy minion. He's insane and refuses to talk.
    >"Mmm... Hank?"
    >"Break his legs."
    >"AAAAGHLhahaha, MORE!"
    >"More? Fine. We can keep breaking your legs all day!"
    >I grin diabolically and raise my hands
    >"I'm a healer!"
    >> Anonymous 03/09/12(Fri)14:09 No.18266416
    "If you've got a fletching problem I feel bad for you son, I've got 39 arrows but a bitch ain't one."
    >> Anonymous 03/09/12(Fri)14:13 No.18266473
    >Barb Player was transformed by a goddess of nature into a horse.
    >Int didn't move
    >Players find and cast Awaken on him
    >Barb now begins leading party, constantly beginning his plans with "With my superior horse intellect"

    >Same player
    >Has a quote before he does anything stupid, like confront a Venture Co. Buzzsaw crew with no armor or ready for combat, pick a fight with a red dragon, or have a naked footrace against the joker
    >"I got this shit."
    >This line now triggers me to hand him a new sheet, just in case. He has always needed it.
    >> Anonymous 03/09/12(Fri)14:56 No.18266890
    >Grand High Mage Gygax hands you a saddle.
    "What's this for?"
    >"It's been 50 years since you entered your deep sleep. When you entered it, you had with you an egg."
    "You mean...?"
    >"Come with me."
    >Walk into room in giant castle.
    >Massive Flail Snail is there.
    "Hello Flail Snail."
    >"Hello anon."
    "You can talk?"
    >"I can do many things. Grand High Mage Gygax has taught me well."
    >I got a fucking talking Flail Snail mount.
    >> Anonymous 03/09/12(Fri)14:58 No.18266903
    >Flail Snail

    I'm kinda jelly... Flail Snails are awesome. Mostly because I love saying their name.

    Flail Snail.

    >> Anonymous 03/09/12(Fri)14:59 No.18266909
    What's not to love about a massive snail with flails on its head?
    >> Anonymous 03/09/12(Fri)15:02 No.18266939
    That makes no sense. I get the reference, but that makes no sense.
    >> Anonymous 03/09/12(Fri)15:06 No.18266972
    >naked footrace against the Joker

    Oh hey, I remember you made a thread about this.

    How did it end up turning out?
    >> Anonymous 03/09/12(Fri)15:13 No.18267013
    Not sure if its a quote, but in a warhammer fantasy game I once killed a guy with my chin.

    joke was that my character looked suspiciously much like Chuck Norris
    >> Anonymous 03/09/12(Fri)15:16 No.18267044
    >naked footrace against the Joker
    >Player needs a new sheet afterwards

    >How did it end up turning out?
    >> Anonymous 03/09/12(Fri)15:23 No.18267095

    Naked Footrace vs Joker GM here.

    Indeed, we did use the "use player as a toboggan" reference. But the encounter culminated with the Joker honoring his word to not kill the man, but took him in back to operate on him and put something in his belly. Player countered with the deck of many things, offering the joker a draw. Joker drew, and hilariously enough, drew the good joker, so drew again, and got the dread wraiths.

    Party tries to help the Joker, not sure why, and get their own, so player tries using an unknown staff he had on hand, hoping it had sunlight.

    Staff was a Staff of Passage. So he opened a portal to sunlight. Nice and close. It was amusing.
    >> Anonymous 03/09/12(Fri)15:39 No.18267204
    Haha oh wow.

    Your games are awesome.
    >> Anonymous 03/09/12(Fri)15:44 No.18267234
    >CoC scenario
    >very tense atmosphere
    >the party tracks down a missing member in the kitchen of a haunted house
    >he's been possessed and is walking towards them with a huge kitchen-knife

    Silence for a few seconds. Everyone's stunned.

    >PC with French character: "'y ah' yoo' 'oldin' zat 'niff?"

    Game had to stop until we'd all stopped laughing.
    >> An Experienced DM 03/09/12(Fri)16:10 No.18267403
    Just remembered a Werewolf story.
    We were a pack of three and mages were fucking with our shit. The brute (Devias Wrex's player) from >>18256928 approached a Mini, he looked at it as the sneaky chap and alpha were trying a different entry way.
    A metric fuck tonne of successes later, the sneaky chap had a car on him, which had been thrown clean through the 2nd story window and killed all three mages at once.

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