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  • File : 1327765539.jpg-(52 KB, 468x336, article-0-02D28178000005DC-743_468x336.jpg)
    52 KB Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)10:45 No.17708368  
    Hippos, elegan/tg/entlemen, because hippos are baller.

    I was really surprised to learn that there's no hippo in the 3.5 Monster Manual. I mean, why the hell not? You have crocodiles, but no hippos? Hippos make crocodiles their bitches on a regular basis. Hippos are fucking dangerous. Someone must've dropped the ball, there.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)10:46 No.17708372
    Just stat it yourself.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)10:46 No.17708374
    >inb4 yo mamma joke
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)10:47 No.17708383
    >Remove horn
    >Add bite attack
    >Add swim speed

    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)10:47 No.17708386
    Bit of googling turns up a d20 hippo.
    There's also a pathfinder hippo which has a few tasty abilities like Capsize and Red Sweat, but I'm not sure how well pathfinder can into 3.5.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)10:49 No.17708399
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    Hippos ought to be viable options as paladin mounts.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)10:49 No.17708400
    They didn't include them because they are too strong.

    You roll up with your level 20 party, just having defeated the Lord of All Hells, and you see a hippo in the distance.

    Next thing you know, the halfling is in trying to stuff his guts back in, the fighter is missing his right arm and most of his head, and the wizard is sobbing in a tree, unable to cope with the sheer terror of facing God's Personified Rage against His Creation.

    Hippos, man. You just don't fuck with them.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)10:51 No.17708413
    What about the legendary fantastipotamus? I hear they sing three times a day.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)10:52 No.17708418
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    >add firearms
    >add monocle
    >add pith helmet
    >put on wooden sailing vessel
    >launch into space
    >fight the evil drow from the Spider Moon

    fuck yar
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)10:53 No.17708430
    There's a statline for Hippos in 3.5's Sandstorm splatbook.

    >and chcppo
    Is that some relative of the Hippo, captcha?
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)10:54 No.17708434

    Sadly, hippos suffer a racial penalty to Balance checks, as we see in this video.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)10:54 No.17708435
    It's Hot Out (aka Sandstorm), p.193
    There's a hippo right there.

    Hell there's even a PrC for Clerics/Paladins of Sandstorm's hippo Deity. SCION OF TEM-ET-NU on p.82
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)10:55 No.17708451
    What an odd place to put them. Hippos aren't desert animals.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)10:57 No.17708457
    Hot, dry, African Plains. Tem-et-su is a river God.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)10:57 No.17708460
    I'm now imagining a knight riding an armoured hippo, bearing down on the enemy, the beast's enormous jaws apage and about to close...

    Shit, hippos are fucking terrifying.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)11:01 No.17708484
    What kind of pussy needs to armour their hippo?
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)11:02 No.17708492
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    9000 hours etc.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)11:04 No.17708516
    Just out of interest, is there any historical precedent for using hippos as war animals, ala rhinos or elephants?
    With their cantankerous natures and great size, they'd seem a natural fit. Just prod the hippo towards whatever you want to die, then let it go.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)11:06 No.17708528
    Too slow, dry out too quickly & can't be ridden effectively in water either, will of steel so won't suffer being ridden lightly.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)11:07 No.17708534
    Living in water in desert countries makes you a desert animal.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)11:10 No.17708564
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    >Tortoise wizard
    >With hippo familiar
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)11:11 No.17708571
    >With tortoise Animal Companion
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)11:12 No.17708582
    Now imagine that the hippo is half-dragon. And the knight is attacking from the air.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)11:13 No.17708588
    Did a dragon fuck a hippo, or a hippo fuck a dragon?
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)11:13 No.17708593
    The hippo fucked the dragon. The dragon didn't want to at first, but the hippo made him like it.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)11:14 No.17708595
    Oh, the hippo raped the dragon, of course.

    Because hippos, man. Not even dragons fuck with them.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)11:15 No.17708604
    Good way to troll your players, giving your hippo a breath weapon.
    They think they're just yawning, then it's too late.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)11:17 No.17708615

    They technically already do.

    Their breath is supposed to be like a morgue with no refrigeration.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)11:17 No.17708618
    The world is not round.
    It is flat & circular.
    It rest on the backs of 4 elephants.
    The elephants stand on the back of a giant turtle flying through space.

    We all know this. But what they don't tell you (so they don't scare you so much you never sleep again) is that the turtle isn't flying aimlessly, it's fleeing.

    Fleeing from a hippopotamus that want's to fuck.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)11:19 No.17708640
    This made me sadder than I ever thought possible.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)11:20 No.17708655
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    /r/ stats for a Dire Hippo
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)11:22 No.17708667
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    There are a few things everyone should be terrified of. Badgers, wolverines, getting between momma and baby bear, and fuckin hippos.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)11:22 No.17708673
    This should cheer you up http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zygB_BD5PNU

    Hippos making successful Perform (Synchronised Swimming) checks
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)11:24 No.17708685
    The hippo is stated in Sandstorm if I am not wrong, it's a hell of a beast and if you bear with me, and post some tits, I will post the stats for it.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)11:25 No.17708687
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    Yes-yes, man-things...
    Soon-quick, Clan Moulder will combine those beast-things together and you will have to face the terrifying... Grizzly woldgerpotamus! Mwa ha ha ha ha!
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)11:25 No.17708688
    I have a simple motto. If the ancient Egyptians could kill something, it's not worth shit.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)11:26 No.17708696
    Oh man, I was born in the wrong century. Being a British Officer back in the imperial days would have been awesome.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)11:28 No.17708703
    That's a lot of shit that ain't worth shit.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)11:29 No.17708713
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    >implying the Ancient Egyptians killed hippos as opposed to simply trying to stay the fuck away from them
    >implying that they also didn't make one of their goddesses a hippo just to try and suck up to them
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)11:30 No.17708725

    I hope by badgers, you actually meant Honey Badgers.

    Because if those things were any bigger, we'd have just nuked them...provided they didn't kill us off 200,000 years ago.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)11:32 No.17708734
    Going out and murdering a few hippos was commonplace for nobles.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)11:33 No.17708741

    Hippo is the second most awesome monster in the pathfinder bestiary, just after the loli cute soul-puppet.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)11:35 No.17708752
    You suck.

    Large Animal
    Hit Dice: 8d8+40 (76 hp)
    Initiative: –1
    Speed: 20 ft. (4 squares), swim 20 ft.
    Armor Class: 14 (–1 size, –1 Dex, +6 natural), touch 8, fl at-footed 14
    Base Attack/Grapple: +6/+17
    Attack: Bite +12 melee (2d6+10)
    Full Attack: Bite +12 melee (2d6+10)
    Space/Reach: 10 ft./5 ft.
    Special Attacks: —
    Special Qualities: Hold breath, scent
    Saves: Fort +11, Ref +5, Will +3
    Abilities: Str 24, Dex 9, Con 20, Int 2, Wis 12, Cha 3
    Skills: Listen +7, Spot +6, Swim +15
    Feats: Improved Bull Rush, Improved Overrun, Power Attack
    Environment: Warm plains and forests (rivers)
    Organization: Solitary, pair, or herd (10–15)
    Challenge Rating: 6
    Alignment: Always chaotic evil
    Advancement: 9–16 HD (Large); 17–24 HD (Huge)
    Level Adjustment: —

    Sometimes known as the river horse, the hippopotamus is an immense mammal usually found in or near rivers, ponds, and lakes. It spends most of its daylight hours wallowing in mud or lounging in water to keep its skin from drying out.

    The typical river hippo has eyes on the top portion of its head (rather than the sides), so that it can see above water as it fl oats. Its large nostrils close tight when it submerges, and it can hold its breath for several minutes at a time. A hippopotamus can even sleep while submerged.

    Hippopotami are often brutally territorial and do not hesitate to attack anything they perceive as a threat. Their powerful, tusklike incisors can slice through wood and even thin metal with ease.

    Hold Breath (Ex): A hippopotamus can hold its breath for a number of rounds equal to 8 × its Constitution score before it risks drowning.

    Skills: A hippopotamus has a +8 racial bonus on any Swim check to perform some special action or avoid a hazard. It can always choose to take 10 on a Swim check, even if distracted or endangered. It can use the run action while swimming, provided it swims in a straight line.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)11:39 No.17708769
    That is glorious.

    Hippo, advanced in HD until it hit Titanic. That's my next BBEG.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)11:41 No.17708781
    Is there a Dire version for this mofo?
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)11:44 No.17708796
    Not in the book. Give t a few more HD, top up it's stats, give it something where it can bite an enemy and then drag it down into the water to drown it, and you're good to go.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)11:46 No.17708804

    >Alignment: always chaotic evil

    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)11:47 No.17708815
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)11:49 No.17708821
    I just posted what's in the book. I guess WotC knows what they're talking about sometimes after all.
    >> MR. RAGE !D9l9S8Lio6 01/28/12(Sat)11:49 No.17708823


    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)11:51 No.17708835

    They are responsible for more human deaths in africa than most of the other animals combined, I think.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)11:57 No.17708879
    In the last decade they've been responsible for more deaths worldwide than nuclear weapons.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)11:57 No.17708883
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    Spelljammers laughs at your ignorance.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)12:01 No.17708902
    But...did you get that thing they sent you?
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)12:03 No.17708920
    Yeah, they're responsible for more human deaths than black holes, supernovas and cthulhu put together as well.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)12:06 No.17708935
    I know right, they're fucking brutal man.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)12:23 No.17709055
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    All badgers, but yes their king The Honey Badger rules over the ruthless host Teef and Fur.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)12:35 No.17709155
    So does this count as an area of effect?

    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)12:39 No.17709198
    Fucking hippomind
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)12:53 No.17709334
    Breath weapon from Both sides man. Don't think you can flank a fucking hippo.
    >> Magus O'Grady 01/28/12(Sat)14:12 No.17710051
    Crocs, alligator, and lions, worldwide, don't kill as many humans in an average year than Hippos. Those things are killing machines. Made all the worse by the fact that, from a distance, they look cute and peaceful due to their rounded bodies. But they're VERY territorial and VERY aggressive. When a group of Hippos move into a river area or watering hole, the crocodiles leave.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)14:24 No.17710158
    And what happened afterwards? They got their shit rocked by Persia. Because the Hippos wanted fucking revenge, so they manipulated the Persians into invading.

    Then they got the Romens to come and rock them too, because a Hippo thirsts for revenge like a fish thirsts for water.

    And they revolution? I'll let you figure it out.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)14:28 No.17710189
    That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Pygmy Hippo" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Hippos deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

    I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine hippo in Africa for 2 loaves of bread (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even chew up slabs of solid steel with my hippo.

    Mommy hippos spend months working on a single hippo and fatten it up to a million times to produce the finest mammals known to mankind.

    Hippos are thrice as strong as elephants and thrice as tough for that matter too. Anything a crocodile can bite through, a hippo can bite through better. I'm pretty sure a hippo could easily bisect a rhino with a simple bite.

    Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Africa? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Africans and their hippos of destruction. Even during the colonization of Africa, European soldiers targeted the men with the hippos first because their killing power was feared and respected.

    So what am I saying? Hippos are simply the best animal that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for hippos:

    (One-Handed Exotic Weapon)
    1d12 Damage
    19-20 x4 Crit
    +2 to hit and damage
    Counts as Masterwork
    (Two-Handed Exotic Weapon)
    2d10 Damage
    17-20 x4 Crit
    +5 to hit and damage
    Counts as Masterwork

    Now that seems a lot more representative of the power of hippos in real life, don't you think?
    tl;dr = Hippos need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.
    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)14:36 No.17710254
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    >> Anonymous 01/28/12(Sat)14:48 No.17710352
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