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  • File : 1327010968.jpg-(52 KB, 500x419, bitches.jpg)
    52 KB So this one time... The New Canadian Empire 01/19/12(Thu)17:09 No.17598005  
    >Me, working at ren fair
    >I'm a random guard
    >tis my duty to harass strangers in the name of the king
    >get paid well
    >It's pirate week
    >people running around as pirates doin pirate things
    >suddenly see hot chick stealing something from a stall
    >now's my chance
    >I walk up to her
    >she knows i know
    >I yell at the top of my lungs
    >she tries to run
    >i give chase
    >tackle that bitch to the ground
    >She yells "RAPE"
    >crowd gathers
    >some guy pulls me off of her
    >he pulls out a knife
    >oh fuck
    >he stabs me in the stomach
    >knife breaks off my armor
    >I'm fucking invincible
    >punch him the face with a metal gauntlet
    >pretty sure his face is broken
    >King arrives
    >"what the fuck happened here?"
    >"Sire this woman was stealing, i went to apprehend her."
    >king checks woman
    >finds 500$ of jewelry
    >her and the guy taken away
    >get promotion
    >head of the king's guard
    >princess loves me for my heroism
    >stop thieves get bitches
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)17:12 No.17598041
    had me going until you said you became head of the king's guard, that's like 22 PROMOTIONS up from a random guard
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)17:12 No.17598044
    posteed from /b/.

    Still awesome though..

    This thread is now a random encounters thread.

    >Part of engineering/solar club at school
    >Old boat thrown out
    >Deciede to take it home
    >Drag that sucker home two miles in the middle of the day.
    >many stares
    >Hoisted onto shoulders and used as tank
    >Shit was cash.
    >random black people took pictures.
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)17:16 No.17598072
    Woah, so you're actually employed as security? Not just a roleplayer? And the king is really in charge? That's rad. Might get a job at our summer fairstival
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)17:17 No.17598089
    >Elementary school, bring a screwdriver to school



    >Slay the entire row of computers, sprinklers go off


    Also I got sent home for a day and grounded as fuck and couldn't sit down for a week.
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)17:20 No.17598116
    Go out one day prepared to be someone's random encounter.

    >Go to mall
    >Purchase large amount of spaghetti
    >Go home cook spaghetti
    >Place spaghetti in plastic bags, bags go in pockets
    >Wear weabo shirt purchased for this occasion
    >Have been growing neckbeard for a week in anticipation
    >The time has come
    >Walk into gamestop
    >Take copy of Catherine to front
    >Hear sniggers
    >Turn to sniggering teens
    >Say "This is the game I am purchasing, please respect my purchase"
    >They laugh louder
    >Even better
    >Scream same line
    >People are watching
    >Reach into pockets, throw spaghetti at laughing teens while screaming line
    >Run out of store
    >As I'm leaving hear from behind me
    >"Dude... that actually happens in real life?"

    I made some /v/irgins day that day
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)17:22 No.17598138
    You made me laugh.
    Now you just need to start dancing the dinosaur.
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)17:23 No.17598150
         File1327011802.png-(109 KB, 900x732, trollface.png)
    109 KB
    >Walking out of bar for some fresh air
    >Walk past couple fighting alone in the lobby
    >Awkward as fuck to slip past them
    >They give me the biggest dirtiest look of ,"Get fucking lost" I've ever seen in my life
    >I do manage to get past and pull the daggers they put in me with their eyes
    >On the street some fat and drunk guy comes up to me and puts his arms around my shoulder
    >"Hey man! What's up! Wanna hear a joke?"
    >Tells some lame joke but I laugh to be friendly anyways
    >"Yeah man! You gotta be happy! Life is short man!"
    >"I know, some people should along better, like that fighting couple over there. Needless drama."
    >"Huh? What?"
    >"Those two right behind those doors. They even got pissed off at me for just walking by."
    >He sets his back of straight and with a serious determination goes inside and crashes right between the two who are almost face to face yelling at each other now
    >He puts his arms around both shoulders and starts talking to both of them. They both have faces like they cannot begin to comprehend what is going on
    >mfw I walk away
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)17:25 No.17598173
    I'd expect this shit from Reddit but not 4chan.


    forget it.
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)17:25 No.17598180

    In retrospect I should have colluded a friend to put on a bear suit and walk in as I was running away. But I was pulled into the security office and payed a fine as it was. Didn't want anyone else to share the pain
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)17:26 No.17598188

    Dude, have you never been to /v/?
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)17:29 No.17598217
    >Be teenager
    >Taking jujutsu lessons for SELF DEFENSE!
    >Be waiting to get picked up outside of dojo
    >See instructor leaving
    >See staggering sweaty man leaving bar around the corner
    >Hear man yelling incomprehensibly at jujutsu instructor
    >See man take a swing at jujutsu instructor
    >Oh shit this is going to be good
    >See jujutsu instructor assume a stance
    >See drunken man torpedo-tackle jujutsu instructor and KO him on the ground
    >Taking jujutsu lessons for EXERCISE!
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)17:33 No.17598266
    Dunken monkey style, obviously.
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)17:35 No.17598286
    "Payed" is not a word.
    Private security cannot impose fines on you.
    This entire story sounds like a fabrication.
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)17:39 No.17598328
    you do know thats a joke from /v/ and not reddit right? you've been using reddit too much dude.
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)17:43 No.17598372

    Private security can't make you pay a fine, but when they call the police and they slap a mischief charge on you, there's not a lot you can do but pay the fine
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)17:50 No.17598435
    Okay, here's an old story I tell a lot

    >Be 15, 16 ( forget exactly), in highschool
    >My crazy lesbian Buddhist aunt has been staying with us for five months as she recovers from surgery because she never wears proper shoes and ruins her goddamn feet
    >On the bus to school
    >School is cheap as fuck, makes us ride city buses with a free ride pass
    >Feel kinda ill
    >Vomit all over myself like two blocks from my stop
    >Bus has to be evacuated, all the passengers leave and get on another bus
    >Bus driver takes me the rest of the way to my stop, looking at me like I'm a leper as I apologize over and over
    >Get off at stop. School is downtown, a few blocks from the worst ghetto in the city, which is exactly where my stop is. Luckily, it is early and the streets are empty.
    >Have no cell phone
    >Only option is to lurch the few city blocks to school, covered in my own vomit, feeling like I'm gonna pass out.
    >Reach school somehow, go to second floor office, to ask to use a phone to call my mother to pick me up
    >Secretary isn't there, use phone anyway, don't get a response
    >Sit down to wait
    >Secretary comes back after what seems like an hour, asks me why I'm there
    >Explain, mention I used phone
    >She eyes me, proceeds to rub hand sanitizer all over the phone as I watch
    >Well fuck you too
    >She asks for my Mom's number, give it to her
    >She calls until she gets a response, explains situation
    >Tells me my mother asked if I was okay with my aunt picking me up
    >Figure because I used to fake being sick all the time in grade school, this must be a test
    >She knows how much I hate my aunt, if I agree, it's a sign I'm really sick
    >Oh how wrong I was

    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)17:51 No.17598443
    You're missing the point entirely. Reenacting memes you heard on the internet is for /b/tards and REDDIT.
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)17:51 No.17598447

    >Attending this ren fair
    >It's pirate weeks so people are doin pirate things
    >Watch this jacknape in armor scream at this poor lady
    >She tries to evade but the guy tackles her
    >Can't see what's happening, due to the crowd but she yells rape
    >Quickly leap to her rescue
    >Pull the guy off her
    >Can't tell what he is thinking due to visor
    >Obviously this guy is a sociopath... so I pull my knife
    >Stab the rapist in the stomach... but the crappy chinese blade snaps, cuts hand pretty good
    >Get punched in the face with a metal guantlet
    >Lip split, nose broken, tooth chipped, orbital bone fractured
    >taken to hospital
    >Botched surgery results in loss of hand
    >Blaim the dude in armor
    >released from physical rehab with hook like prosthetic and eye patch
    >Coming back to the Renn Faire to see if armor can stop a blunderbuss pistol ball
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)17:54 No.17598469
    dude, responding to a shout of rape by stabbing a guy in the stomach is just crazy,
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)17:57 No.17598488

    >Wait in secretary's office for what feels like another hour, hoping I don't vomit again
    >Thinking about aunt
    >She used to be named Geraldine, now is named Chong Do, after spending five years in a Korean Buddhist nunnery
    >Poor and basically homeless, suffers from multiple mental disorders, refuses to see a shrink
    >Has been in and out of mental institutions
    >Got thrown out of Korean nunnery for stalking local women
    >Banned from Poland for possibly using unwashed acupuncture needles on somebody after previously using them on somebody with AIDs
    >Watches Teletubbies
    >Eats all the pork chops at dinner despite claiming to be a vegetarian. Says eating meat "enlightens her spiritual journey
    >Door to secretary's office bursts open, she walks in
    >Bald, serious cast of turkey neck, wearing an unwashed old gray robe
    >Oh God no
    >Please don't let anybody I know see me with her
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)18:00 No.17598516
    If something like this happened in front of me I would assume he was an accomplice who went into a panic when shit went bad.
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)18:00 No.17598519
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)18:01 No.17598520
    Serves you right, you tried to kill what was probably an innocent guy, I mean how would you rape someone in armor anyway, and why would you do it in public?
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)18:04 No.17598544
    Had to check whether I was in /tg/ or /v/.
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)18:11 No.17598606

    >As she leads me out of school, explains she might have locked us out of the spare car
    >She leads me to the car, still has keys, but can't make them work
    >Don't know what to do
    >She explains my Mom is in an important meeting downtown, which is why she had to come. Neither of us has a cell phone, can't call her
    >What do?
    >Only option is to walk across all of downtown to the building where my mother is having her meeting and hope we catch her
    >Feeling really ill now
    >Can't keep going, have to sit down on a street corner while she goes on without me
    >Cold wind is blowing, I am wearing only a t-shirt, am covered in vomit, and sitting on a street corner two blocks from worst part of town
    >My mother is meeting with a photographer, who is a piece of work himself
    >Guy is going through a messy divorce, keeps talking about personal shit, seems deeply depressed, meeting is really uncomfortable
    >Suddenly the guy gets a call; his studio has been broken into, and a bunch of his expensive photographic equipment has been stolen
    >Oh shit, has to reschedule meeting
    >They both go to the elevators to leave, the guy is really fretting
    >Suddenly, elevator opens, out steps my aunt looking like a homeless garbage monster wrapped in rags
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)18:11 No.17598607
    >gave blood for the first time, Start of school, was not prepared for it
    >Feeling a bit shitty, but at the same time so incredibly awesome
    >pacing in front of a classroom window, trying to get blood flowing or whatever the fuck i was doing idk
    >got annoyed at people inside staring, you in class bitch pay attention.
    >decided to scare them, put my hand on the window, window broke, oops
    >bitty shards of glass in my hand, feeling fucking invincible in my blood loss drunken stupor
    >get in no trouble at all, day goes on...
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)18:13 No.17598620
    Hey /tg/, lemme tell you about the time I got stabbed.

    Bit of background first, I'm a kickboxer and mixed martial artist, also a student. I look scrawny as fuck but because of all the combat sports I'm probably the most ripped person I know, just doesn't show.

    So on to the story, basically I had been to a fuckawesome Alestorm concert, dressed as a fuckin pirate with a long coat, dress shirt, hat, cardboard sword, all that good shit. Now, in traditional pirate manner, I'm pissed as a newt on rum, so when I get seperated from my mates who I'm staying with I decide that the best idea is to take a bus back to the area the guy I'm staying with lives and walk to his house.

    This area was not nice, like, for example when you went into the local papershop, all the stock is behind bulletproof glass and the guy at the counter goes and gets your stuff for you and passes it to you through a hatch once you've paid. That kinda rough. And I was about to walk through that shithole at 1 in the morning wearing a pirate outfit.

    So there I was, merrily strolling through blackened streets where the lamps had all been smashed by the local kids, when I hear a scream that is distinctly female in nature. and again. Now, a sensible person would have called the police and waited for the riot vans, but I in my rum-addled state decided that no, I would dispense justice this night!

    So off I sprint, off the road and into a park which was even fucking darker than the main streets, like pitch black. after a minute or so I stumble up a low hump at the edge of a football pitch and below me I see two guys, one standing and one kneeling, with the kneeling one holding a struggling girl, must've been about 14-15, prone on the ground. their intentions were clearly less than honourable.
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)18:13 No.17598622

    >Starts babbling to my mother about how she left me on a street corner several miles back after locking us out of the car
    >My mother has to introduce her business contact to her sister
    >The photographer unexpectedly offers to give us a ride
    >Some time later, swings by my lonely street corner (had watched a few homeless drunks and gangs of thugs walk by) in a van, with my aunt in tow, offers me a ride home
    >Aunt babbles in his ear the whole way,
    >Later, when he calls my mother back to reschedule the meeting, asks if she staged the whole thing
    >She is all "wut"
    >He explains this experience has given him a new outlook, as he had really thought his life was bad until he met somebody as fucked up as my aunt
    >Spend first two weeks of school year out sick, first because a week of being ill, then from a week of spraining my ankle almost right after
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)18:14 No.17598636
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)18:15 No.17598648

    Like this: >>17598622
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)18:17 No.17598661
    Why do people lie on the internet?
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)18:18 No.17598666
    So what do I do? I pull myself up, draw my bent and battered cardboard sword from my belt and silouetted against the moonlight shout (or possibly slur loudly) "Cease your misadventures blaggards!" (pirate persona is gone now, full white knight mode initiated)

    obviously the two guys take one look up, see me stood there swaying slightly and burst out laughing. kneeling guy stays with the girl while the other dude swaggers over to me, tellling me to "piss off you fuckin poof" to which I reply "only when you and your comerade stop fucking your mothers!" (yeah, kinda ran out of inspiration)

    This kinda angers the dude, who goes "right you fuck" and charges me. I whack him in the face with my sword, which obviously does fuck all, but it distracts him enough that he misses his grapple and instead only punches me in the thigh. martial arts mode kicks in and I respond on instinct, punch him in the back of the head and push him down the other side of the mound so he lands behind me, not too damaged but a bit dazed.

    His mate gets up, kicks the girl who's in tears on the floor and turns to me. I don't remember exactly what was said, but it all amounted to "Imma cut you" before he pulls a knife and goes for me. Now, I may have managed to luck out with the first guy, not so with this dude. I attempt to dodge, but he sticks this bloody great knife in my left side, through my jacket and shirt, nicked a rib and punctured a lung. Again I react on instinct, cracking him a roundhouse blow across the jaw with my elbow. I then stagger back, puke on his unconcious form then fall flat on my back. I have time to tell the girl "got the fucker" before I pass out.
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)18:18 No.17598669
    >blah blah blah day goes on into auto "shop" glorified book shit
    >feeling like shit, barely can stay conscious
    >think i feel water on my face, freak the fuck out and kick a chair next to me, get entire classes attention, oops
    >fucking punk keeps waking me up by slamming the book on the table
    >start thinking "next time i should smack that bitch in the face, show him whos fucking alpha in here
    >he does it again.
    >all i notice is i am sitting up hand outstretched, and he is flipping his gangsta shit with a red face
    >apparently I'm a violent drunk
    >suspended for 4 days in the middle of midterms because his face can't take a little subconscious pimp slapping

    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)18:20 No.17598685
    Cue me waking up in hospital, friends at my side. Apparently the girl had come over and picked up my phone, dialled 999 and told the operator that I was dead before collapsing in a teary wreck. luckily for us, a motorway patrol was coming off duty and was driving into the main city when they got a general dispatch to any units in the area, so instead of going home to warm coffee and doughnuts they took the first exit and were with us in two minutes. They cuffed both guys, one of whom nearly managed to leg it, then put me in the back of their patrol car and one of them drove me and the girl to hospital while the other waited for backup to arrive and pick up the guys.

    All in all, I nearly died, but they managed to re-inflate my lung and stop the bleeding, obviously, so I came away with a nasty scar and a story. and the girl? I only ever saw her again when we testified in court. But goddamn it was worth it for that one moment on a hillock, in darkened park in a shithole suburb of Southampton, when I felt like I was a PC, and anything was possible.
    >> whimsicalKillmachine !yN54gf03e. 01/19/12(Thu)18:20 No.17598688
    Now imagine it with http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uVefPPr69NU playing.
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)18:21 No.17598696
    What happened to the guys?
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)18:21 No.17598707
    I know this is probably fake, but I don't even care. That was hilarious.
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)18:23 No.17598722
    Fuck's sake. It's not from /v/. It's from /b/.

    To paraphrase:
    >Story thread
    >"So I was cooking some food
    >Water boiling
    >Somehow the spaghetti had vanished
    >Fall over
    >Spaghetti falls out of pockets
    >Everything went better than expected.
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)18:27 No.17598751
    My brother is a walking random encounter for his university.

    He is known as "that ukelele guy."
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)18:28 No.17598760
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)18:34 No.17598831
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)18:37 No.17598875
    One guy got assault, the other ABH and GBH, couldn't make sexual assault or attempted rape stick.

    First guy got 6 months jail, second got 3 years jail.
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)18:40 No.17598916
    So half the freshman frat boys of most universities now count as random encounters?

    Piss off.
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)18:44 No.17598952
    >be back home from my night shift at a 7Eleven
    >come across some dude in full STALKER getup (gasmask and all) swinging some ropes and blabbering nonsense
    >can't help but stare
    >STALKER takes off mask and says "all is clear comrade, i've got them at bay"
    >shrug and get out of there

    There was no blowout so I guess everything was clear after all.
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)18:44 No.17598953
    Uh, can't remember any specific stories off the top of my head, but he walks around playing the ukulele and tends to have a Pied Piper effect on people.
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)18:44 No.17598955
    Sarasota, FL
    during Hurricane Charlie, IIRC
    by the time it hit us, it was probably barely a category 1.

    >be at offcampus house that i share with a buddy of mine
    >we decide that it will be totally awesome to step outside during hurricane
    >step out into the wind and the rain, have to yell to hear each other
    >no sooner did i say that, that halfway down the block at a T-shaped intersection, some middle aged dude wearing just black running shorts and sneakers jogs around the corner, jogging right past a massive uprooted tree without even looking at it, continuing down the block as if to him it was a normal sunny day.
    >me and my friend clearly outclassed, step back inside, in shame.
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)18:53 No.17599042
    >playing in Humans vs Zombies game
    >doing something for some reason
    >suddenly a man with wild, bushy black hair, matching beard, patched frayed robes, a basket tied to his back, a knobbled walking stick and horns curling from our head walks up next to us
    >his eyes burn into ours as he babbles something
    >turns around and walks away

    >"who the fuck was that"
    >"german santa claus"

    True story.
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)18:54 No.17599053
    Not German Santa Claus.
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)19:02 No.17599117
    same friend, same off campus house

    >friend has a habit of fidgeting with things as he talks
    >i keep a baseball bat for defense in my room
    >friend is ranting to me about our 3rd housemate who hasn't paid her portion of the water bill and such, and how he will confront her on this the next time he sees her. As he is telling me this he also has picked up the baseball bat and is spinning it, tossing it and catching it, and other assorted tricks absentmindedly.
    >we hear the front door unlock, 3rd housemate has arrived. This really weeaboo vampire larper girl who is the least responsible person in the world, never attends her classes, fails everything, larps all the time, wastes money, etc.
    >Friend says something like, ah perfect, i'm gonna confront her!
    >runs off to the living room before i could stop him.
    >He's standing in the living room, a look of grave seriousness on his face as he's telling this girl that she hasn't paid her water bill and that she really needs to... blah blah blah.
    >girl is looking at him like a deer in the headlights, mouth open, eyes wide. Just kinda quickly nods and mumbles, "yeah, okay, i'lldothatrightnowbye" and immediately leaves.
    >I'm looking at this situation jaw hanging open, speechless.
    >After she leaves, friend turns to me, "see you have to know when to be upfront and direct with people."
    "me- "Dude, you told her all that while still holding the fucking bat!"
    >Friend looks down at his hand as if now just realizing the bat was there, and recoils from it like if it was suddenly radioactive, letting it fall to the ground "JESUS!"
    >you threatened her with a bat, what the fuck man?!
    >i didn't mean to!
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)19:04 No.17599131
    Ya, I got pizza during Hurricane Georges. They wouldn't deliver in a hurricane, so I had to go 2 blocks to pick it up. My raft almost didn't make it. It was pretty good pizza, though.
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)19:06 No.17599152
    the mental image of him recoiling from the bat is hilarious
    Thank you, I needed this story today.
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)19:22 No.17599275

    ...Does RABIES mean anything to you?
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)19:28 No.17599331
    3rd anon here...I was just thinking the same thing as >>17599275
    Do we know you? Or is it Southampton USA?
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)19:29 No.17599348
         File1327019382.jpg-(37 KB, 385x364, ohhoho.jpg)
    37 KB

    I imagined this song, actually.
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)19:30 No.17599354
    UK, suburb in question is the lovely Millbrook

    not goin into more detail at this point to retain anon
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)19:38 No.17599445
    Ah right. Well I'm near Portswood-ish. If you don't know what RABIES is then disregard everything.
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)19:38 No.17599457
    > Be at locally hosted tabeltop battlegame convention.
    > Come dressed as feudal world Imperial Guardsman from 40k, with sword mail and homemade lasgun.
    > Encounter Chaos Marine cosplayer.
    > Look at each other for a second.
    > Simultaneous drawing of sword / chainaxe.
    > Fight duel amid startled/confused 12 year old kids with ill-painted armies.
    > Beat the crap out of Marine with re-enactement sword, knocking the guy to the ground.
    > March out with a shout of 'For the Emperor' and mighty brandishing of sword.
    > Lose first game I play against a Chaos Marine player due to guardsman being butchered in close combat.

    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)19:39 No.17599468
    >Walking down street in San Diego
    >Suddenly bam skinny white dude dressed like Cloud from FF bursts from around the corner screaming and knocks a woman down
    >Two seconds later six men wearing gas masks ,trench coats and top hats burst from around the corner obviously chasing the white guy
    >They are all armed with cane swords with the exception of the guy in the front and back
    >Guy in back has two massive butcher knives ,guy in the front is waving the Union Jack .
    >Guy with the knives stops, helps the woman up, apologizes and continues in pursuit tipping his hat at a bewildered man in military uniform
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)19:44 No.17599516
    well not me, but I did get to watch it go down and it was fucking hilarious.
    >at a Halloween party with a few other gaming folks from the LGS
    >12 of us total, rockband has lost it's charm
    >sitting out on balcony watching a collage party across the way
    > dude walks on to the balcony sunkist in one hand and a bottle of fucking expensive coconut rum in the other
    >says "sup" starts making a bit of small talk, he's dressed like a nerdy redhead rambo if you can envision that
    >he walks back into the apartment
    >hear the dude who owns the apartment ask "does anyone know that guy?"
    >all say "no"
    >we all walk back in after him, Dude who owns apartment's GF asks "what are you doing in here?"
    >dude realizes he's not where he is supposed to be "OH SHIT!"
    >runs out the door
    >down 3 flights of stairs
    >and then starts hitting cars one after another with his plastic machete.
    >we cheered him on anyway as he sped into the night and over a fence.
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)19:53 No.17599612

    In a perfect world, we could all be members of the top hat and respirator brigade.
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)20:10 No.17599814
    We are
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)20:12 No.17599851
    Wait, you're saying you're not? Preposterous.
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)20:14 No.17599873
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)20:22 No.17599971
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    Sarasota guy here again.
    >my little hatchback is packed for the summer break, going to drive back home to miami.
    >entire back end of the car filled with misc stuff and my computer.
    >on the first stop sign, realize that my cartoonishly heavy CRT monitor is not balanced properly and if it wasn't for my arm reaching back to stop it, the damn thing would roll forward between the seats onto the shifter
    >after a left hand turn, my right hand braced on my monitor, decided to pull over on the shoulder to move some crap around to better position the monitor.
    >no sooner do i finish than some lady comes up to my passenger side window. Windows which i tend to leave down.
    >she doesn't look too good, kinda disheveled and sick, asks me if i could give her a lift a few blocks.
    >me being the pushover that i am, and my passenger seat totally empty, i decide, okay, sure.
    >she hops into my car, i drive a couple blocks, the entire time she's looking like literally the most weary tired person in the world..
    >she points out, "okay, this motel right here." where i pull over and let her out.
    >mfw when i only realized immediately after the fact i probably just helped some strung out crack whore get to her next john.
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)20:22 No.17599972
    I did the same thing

    Except my friend and I convinced the teachers we knew what we were doing after helping them with basic technical stuff.



    Etc, etc.

    In fact
    >Inside one day fucking around with computers
    >Friend fries a chip
    >Run such an efficient hazmat strategy that we make the CDC look like bitches
    >Hiding on the other side of the room with our uniform cardigans acting like air filters over our faces
    >I-is it safe?
    >I think so.
    >Do it again like twice

    They kept asking us if we were actually doing anything and we were like "YEAH YEAH, YOU SEE, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM HERE WITH YOUR HARD DRIVE. WE'LL HAVE TO FIX ALL THESE COMPUTERS."

    Eventually they just told us we weren't allowed to mess with them anymore.
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)20:35 No.17600102

    I wish we had computers at my school...
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)20:45 No.17600212
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    fast forward a few years
    >just moved to chicago
    >just learning the neighborhood for the first time
    >no longer have a car
    >middle of the night, was hungry, decide I want some pancakes, remembered seeing an IHOP some ways up north on Clark street. decide to go.
    >get there without incident after a long walk, eat my pancakes, leave
    Interesting fact. Clark street and another street called Halstead cross paths right at the IHOP and turn into 1 street, much like an inverted letter "Y"
    Another interesting fact. I picked the wrong street to go home.
    3rd interesting fact. Halstead street happened to contain the gayest gay district to ever gay in chicago.
    >So walking home, middle of the night, start realizing when i see dudes with handlebar mustaches and leather caps/vests and such hanging out around their bars played really loud disco and rainbow flags decorating every surface, that I don't remember seeing this on the way to IHOP, and also that i walked into the wrong neighborhood (motherfucker)
    >decide fuck it, i'm just east of clark street, i just need to get to an intersection, its not like this is a ghetto, no big deal.
    >suddenly car pulls up next to me
    >flight or fight response about to pick one or the other.
    >window begins to roll down.
    >think oh, maybe someone wants directions?
    >see little amber camera light in the darkness of the car.
    >figure, oh maybe its some girls cruising around taking photos or something.
    >strike a fonze type eyyyy pose. camera flashes
    >eyes adjust. see that the person in the car was some scraggly haired obese bearded man who simply says "gorgeous" and drives off.
    >left standing there, feeling very concerned as to what is to become of my photo.
    >Get the fuck out of Halstead
    >Stay clear of Halstead
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)21:13 No.17600556
    what do you look like? are you a twink?
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)21:14 No.17600579
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    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)21:21 No.17600647
    not even

    at the time i was 200lbs, didn't shave my face as often as i should have, and was out of shape.

    naw, less santa, more Hagrid, but with a lisp
    He pronounced it "gorgeouuuth"
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)21:23 No.17600666
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    Nothing wrong with appreciating a good bear.
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)21:32 No.17600771
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    >walking home from high school one day
    >mid winter, kind of cold
    >have to pass through a large block of government housing to get home
    >See a tall lanky guy and a short fat one run up and start kicking the shit out of some poor guy
    >still on the other side of a busy street
    >cars start stopping
    >a Winnebago burns up right next to them
    > Mexican wearing a wife beater and cowboy hat jumps out with a knife
    >Yells "Get the fuck away from the boy essay!" while pointing the knife at time
    >the two of them start booking it away
    >Mexican whistles and a few black guys and a white guy burst out of the van and start hauling ass after them
    >Mexican takes a first ad kit from inside the van and starts treating the guy. The drive calls the police
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)21:33 No.17600784
    I told you the hood's always got your back.
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)21:43 No.17600936
    >After a LOOOONG ass day at a moderately shady gold buying job
    >Waiting at bus stop for my connection
    >Scribbling in a notebook, ideas for a campaign that never happened
    >Horribly cliche'd looking wannabe-gangsta white kid walks up, pokes me in side
    >Says he has a gun
    >I look down
    >Hoodie fabric is so damn thin I can see the outline of his finger.
    >I wave him off, tell him I really, really don't want to hear it.
    >He pokes me again
    >I didn't even realize I had gotten up
    >Left hook to his face, broke his nose.
    >Kid runs off with his pants falling down
    >Sit down, finish writing the notes while I wait for the bus.
    >Laugh when my family asks why I didn't call the cops
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)21:47 No.17600969
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    >getting out of a totally packed metro train at my stop on way home from work.
    >notice something going on to my left
    >see some black lady dragging a black guy by his armpits towards the open doors of the train.
    >black guy is totally out of it, his head sort of rolling loosely on his shoulders as he mumbles incoherently. His ankles dragging across the station floor, his body mostly limp.
    >the lady trash talking the guy as she drags him.
    >lady proceeds to somehow stuff barely conscious guy into an already packed train, but doesn't bother getting on the train herself. She just walked towards the stairs with the rest of the people leaving the station, leaving the guy to an unknown fate.
    > as i near the stairs myself, i notice that the guy's feet left drag marks from what seemed to be a smash bottle of some sort of liquor.
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)22:00 No.17601120
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    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)22:44 No.17601606
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    >coming back from FNM with 2 friends
    >i'm in back seat, they're up front, talking about shit
    >i'm staring out window to my right, casually look up at the front window
    >see a shadow of something move, think it's a raccoon
    >friends turn to each other and start screaming and wailing like fucking cartoon characters "AAAAAAAAAAAA. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
    >I keep yelling "WHAT. WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK??" but they only reply with AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    >finally they turn back to me and say something like "6 FEET TALL! 6 RED EYES!!" "DID YOU SEE IT'S HEAD??" "YEAH MAN, THE SHAPE OF IT'S FUCKING HEAD, OH MY FUCKING GOD"
    >friend who's driving does about 70 all the way home, freaking out like a madman
    >still to this day, we never taken that route home ever again
    >mfw, still to this day
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)23:40 No.17602204
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    ...where is this road?
    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)23:55 No.17602361
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    >> Anonymous 01/19/12(Thu)23:58 No.17602409
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    No reason...
    >> Anonymous 01/20/12(Fri)00:01 No.17602436
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    Why, mother fucker.
    >> Anonymous 01/20/12(Fri)00:16 No.17602593
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    You're probably not even here anymore, but I just want you to know you are truly a paragon of humanity. You are what each and every one of us should strive to be.

    Ride strong, comrade. Ride strong.
    >> Anonymous 01/20/12(Fri)02:59 No.17604118
    i gotta drive up and down pennsylvania

    i gots to kill me some mosnters
    >> Anonymous 01/20/12(Fri)03:08 No.17604159
    Should have ended with taking jiu-jitsu lessons from new instructor on other side of town after making sure to check his credentials.

    Pretty much any jackass can claim he knows kung fu and set up a dojo if he can afford a business license. Very few states have any laws preventing it.
    >> Jack B.N. 01/20/12(Fri)03:25 No.17604237
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    >> GL Pretentious Hipster 01/20/12(Fri)03:33 No.17604279

    This also happened during Hurricane Charlie.

    >be bored.
    >Gainesville is evacuated for the most part, just college kids and people with nowhere to go left.
    >See Hurricane party down the road.
    >Have brilliant plan.
    >Get out Jesus costume I bought for Halloween last year.
    >Put on Jesus Costume, Sandals, fake crown of thorns.
    >Head to Hurricane party.
    >Walk in without knocking.
    >Everyone turns to stare at me.
    >Just grin and say, "My children, I have been waiting 2000 years for this party."
    >Loud drunken cheering
    >Free drinks
    >Stay about an hour
    >Decide to leave
    >Notice another Hurricane party.
    >Head over there
    >Some girls follow me. They are now my disciples. I name them all Mary.
    >I think one was actually named Mary.
    >I digress.
    >On way to second party, nearly get hit by a silver mustang convertible.
    >Three guys inside with a mostly empty handle of rum.
    >They ask me if they can get a picture of we with their handle.
    >Sure, why not?
    >They drive off and manage not to hit anyone at least until they are out of sight
    >Second hurricane party
    >Walk in door
    >Everyone inside turns to watch Jesus flanked by chicks walk in
    >Raise hand
    >"I am the Alpha and the Omega. No one comes unto the party except through me."
    >This is the most hilarious thing ever, apparently.
    >More free drinks.
    >About an hour later, very inebriated, head over to CLO
    >Chick I met at a party a month ago happens to be home.
    >She comes outside, we sit on the porch of Tim and Terry's and drink and smoke.
    >Start making out
    >Creepy guy is watching us from CLO through an upstairs window.
    >Go back behind Tim and Terry's.
    >Continue making out.
    >End up losing my virginity outside in the middle of a hurricane while dressed as Jesus Christ.
    >The Aristocrats.
    >> Anonymous 01/20/12(Fri)03:34 No.17604287
    Hah, similar tale from me. It's my 20th, a big shindig at my house. It's late in the night, and there's been a fire trough burning for the past 9 hours, having cooked spit meat and keeping everyone warm. Two of my mates rock up at this point, both pissed as farts, say hello, happy birthday, all friendly greetings. They're at my house for about 10 minutes before one of them figures it a good idea to kick over the fire drum.

    Now, not just kick over, but tackle. Just take a running start, half dive and forearm-smash the trough over onto the yard. All I see is this big plume of flame, ember and ash go up into the air. I ran to grab every shovel I had on hand, everyone pitched in clean it up. Luckily it had been raining for half the night, no major damage really.
    >> Anonymous 01/20/12(Fri)03:36 No.17604294
    This mate of mine had just fucked both his arms. I didn't know it at the time, as soon as it happened he just disappeared. I found him in the outside bathroom, trying to run cold water down the burns. I kick open the door, all six-foot-three-inches of drunken musclebound Croatian fury, shovel in hand, and shout, "YOU, CALL A FUCKING CAB, GET YOUR SHIT, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE".

    The second guy mutters, "man, I think we oughta go"


    Now, to be fair, once I cooled down a bit, I went out and made sure he was okay. Did the whole first aid thing and ended up calling a lift to the hospital, and keeping tabs on him for the night. Everyone was asking for the rest of the night, "Man, are you alright now? Everything cool?"
    >> Anonymous 01/20/12(Fri)03:40 No.17604314
    >6'3" drunk angry croatian holding shovel cornering me in bathroom roaring.

    Poo would be running down my pants.
    >> Anonymous 01/20/12(Fri)03:40 No.17604315
    You are awesome.

    For follow up, did you post this story on /v/ from two perspectives? You should have found a normal greentext thread and told the story, and also started a thread about how you actually saw a guy with spaghetti in his pockets.
    >> Anonymous 01/20/12(Fri)03:43 No.17604327
    >acting out something that you roleplay online
    No, it's for LARPers.
    >> Anonymous 01/20/12(Fri)03:46 No.17604344
    If a guy is actively raping someone in front of you, stabbing him in the stomach seems like a reasonable course of action to me.
    That said, it didn't sound like the guy was necessarily stabbing due to the rape accusation.
    >> Anonymous 01/20/12(Fri)03:59 No.17604404
    That's not the proper reaction. The proper reaction is to see how badass this guy is, and one-up him.
    >> Anonymous 01/20/12(Fri)04:09 No.17604444
    >standing on a deserted sidewalk on St Patrick's Day
    >half a mile at least from the nearest bar
    >friend's backpack had been stolen so I'm on the phone with the non-emergency police line
    >giving details to the bored operator
    >6'3" 320+pound drunk middle-aged slob stealths up behind me on the sidewalk and shoulder-checks me as he walks by
    >there's like 12 feet of space around me and nobody else on the street
    >he glares at me and mumbles something
    >I say "excuse me? I'm on the phone with the police department. Hey!"
    >take one step after him
    >he wheels around and socks me right in my face; I don't block because there's a damn phone in my hand
    >he turns back around and walks off
    >I yell into the phone that a guy just punched me in the face
    >cops show up 2 minutes later but never catch the guy
    >it didn't even hurt much; it was just... surreal.

    Holy shit, I got assaulted by a level 1 bear that had wandered inside the city gates.
    >> Anonymous 01/20/12(Fri)04:17 No.17604486
    I was in a notebook class.
    That was shitty. It started with "You will write tests and have your books on the notebooks", then turned into "As we found out, it's illegal to give you .pdfs. But we will turn a blind eye if you scan them yourselves. Oh, and the calculators that we told you you didn't need to buy? Once you get into Sek 2, you will actually need to get them like the non-notebook classes. For 100€.".
    Most teachers didn't know shit about computers, same for most students (my class was lucky due to having teachers that actually taught us stuff about computers) and we had a disadvantage due to not being used to handling a TI-84.
    >> Anonymous 01/20/12(Fri)04:25 No.17604535
    ... you're not the Fence-Croat by any chance, are you?
    >> Anonymous 01/20/12(Fri)04:32 No.17604579
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    >dance party coming up at school
    >me and a friend decide to enter and perform the monkey
    >enter contest
    >dance the monkey
    >lose in the end to a 5 year old because 5
    >> Anonymous 01/20/12(Fri)05:48 No.17604896
    Nice Quads, also, it's generally a good idea to not anger bears, Just sayin.
    >> Anonymous 01/20/12(Fri)06:19 No.17605005
    >>Be senior in High School, have some bullshit class (maybe a study hall?) which takes place in the drama room.
    >>No supervision for some reason.
    >>Find some cloth, grab scissors and stapler
    >>Become the Human Tornado, masked superhero.
    >>Proceed to run as fast as I can down the hallway while spinning in circles yelling a "theme song".
    >>I lose control, and slam into a wall, caving in the dry wall, a crash and screams from the classroom on the other side.
    >>Teacher looks out the classroom, sees me on the floor, sees a blood-covered superhero on the ground and a crater in the wall. (just bloodied my nose, but it was a fuckload of blood)
    >>"Citizen... um... return to your home! I'll stop... him..."
    >>I stagger off down the hall like I'm chasing the supervillain that threw me into the wall or something.

    Later, it turns out when I had crashed into the wall I had knocked down a CCTV on the other side, and it had crashed to the floor. Thankfully, the mask (and blood) had disguised me! The Human Tornado would not be held accountable for collateral damage!
    >> Anonymous 01/20/12(Fri)06:24 No.17605018
    Wait, aren't CCTVs surveillance cameras?
    Why did you have them at school? WTF?
    >> Anonymous 01/20/12(Fri)06:25 No.17605022

    It's just a TV, built into the wall. For morning announcements and stuff. Not a camera.
    >> Anonymous 01/20/12(Fri)06:29 No.17605032
    let this be a lesson kids, always protect your secret identity.
    >> Anonymous 01/20/12(Fri)06:29 No.17605034
    Where do you think you are?
    >> Anonymous 01/20/12(Fri)06:33 No.17605042
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    >tackle that bitch to the ground
    >She yells "RAPE"
    >> Anonymous 01/20/12(Fri)06:40 No.17605067
    I'm assuming you're not British. We have cameras in all schools.

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