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  • File : 1326078003.jpg-(494 KB, 1030x750, Elfstern.jpg)
    494 KB ITT: Pimpin' is easy, Genocide is hard Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)22:00 No.17469578  
    We must choose carefully our targets, fellow members of the council, because we can only hit two and guarantee their destruction. We must thus select a third to ally ourselves with, or at least to ignore. The question is, which one?

    The first is the humans. They are the most similar to us, for we can breed with them, and they are of roughly the same size and shape. But humans live for no more than a hundred years, more typically half that, and they are hasty, and stupid. There is hope for them in that some of them have a concept of God, but not necessarily ours. They would make good allies, but the alliance might be impossible to divorce later due to interbreeding.

    The second is the dwarves. They are tough, and hardy, and possessed of arts that we lack--their worksmanship is inferior, but their technology is more advanced than ours. They do not have gods (much less the superior elvish God) which makes them less than human (and thus, less than Elf,) and they are rather militant expansionists, making them a potential threat. However, they also have incredibly poor judgement, and might successfully kill themselves off even if we don't wipe them out.

    The third are the goblins. They are small, weak, stupid, inferior, ugly, they breed swiftly, they breed constantly, and they consume everything around them. They have no redeeming qualities--they are godless, they are cruel, and they believe that they are entitled to everything they touch. Particularly that which is ours. If we do not kill them now, they will certainly overwhelm us later. However, there is the slim, ever so slim chance that they could be controlled and maybe even domesticated, which bears consideration.

    The council will begin deliberations. Who shall speak?
    >> Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)22:04 No.17469630
    >Humans: Sexy, Stupid, redeemable heretics

    >Dwarves: Ugly, Smarter than us, Infidels

    >Goblins: Ugly, Stupid, Infidels

    I don't understand the question here sir. Ma'am. Sir.
    >> Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)22:07 No.17469659
    Humans here.

    Bring it, we've got TONS of lube ready.
    >> Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)22:07 No.17469672
    If we ally with the humans the odds are they'll end up running the empire after a while, and we'll sort of be a bitter elite wishing we had held onto control for a bit longer.

    If we ally with the dwarves we'll probably end up on reservations. They'll outlaw our religion, make us drink their awful beer, and generally be tools.

    If we ally with the goblins we'll almost certainly enslave them, after which we can slowly work their race to extinction by controlling their food supply.

    Humans if we want no risk of death, but little chance of victory.
    Goblins if we want potential victory but risk of death.
    Dwarves must die, period.
    >> Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)22:11 No.17469707
    Dwarves. If they can survive on their own and stay at peace with us, our society will profit greatly of the exchanges with such a complementary culture.
    >> Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)22:15 No.17469763
    I move to replace the Goblins with the Halflings. Small and weak and useless, they would add nothing to our cause but pose no threat.
    >> Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)22:18 No.17469806
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    I vote we kill the Elves.
    >> Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)22:20 No.17469846
    Secon-Wait, how did you
    Gork and Mork, please leave.
    >> Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)22:22 No.17469872
    >make us drink their awful beer
    >implying humans weren't the ones responsible for Natty Lite.
    >> Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)22:32 No.17470000
    We can potentially save the collective souls of Mankind. We need not fear miscegenating with the Mon-Keigh, our superior Elven genes will easily overpower their flawed genome.

    An alliance with the Goblins is foolishness. They have no written language, no coherent government and no culture. Worse, their militaries are notoriously prone to cowardice. I trust I need not remind anyone here of our great victory over the Goblins at the battle of Helsadale, where the opposing army was routed by a single wyvern squadron landing in their rear.

    As for the Dwarves? Pah! I must respect the bravery of our Speaker for daring to float the possibility of an alliance! The crimes of Dwarvenkind are far too numerous to mention!

    Our choice is clear. We must ally with the Humans, or ally with none.
    >> Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)22:33 No.17470006
    My friends, the choice is simple.
    The Dwarves represent an organized, powerful and very real threat to our way of life. Should they choose to make war, the outcome will be at a supreme cost, and the victor uncertain. Of our two targets, failing to include these foes is a deadly mistake.
    As for the secondary target, I believe the goblins would be a wise choice. Despite their relatively weak structure, they will, even with the best of efforts, be an eternal nuisance. Their usefulness, even if the can be domesticated, is merely theoretical. In all likelyhood, they are far too outside the realm of the proper Elvish forms to ever be deemed worth so much of an investment on our part. As such, they are at best, a liability, should we leave them.
    The humans, unpredictable as they may be, are close enough that we can manipulate them, and perhaps, in time, reform them, showing them the proper way of things. Even in the meantime, they are reasonable enough to be of use to us.
    I think our choice should be clear.
    >> Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)22:36 No.17470050
    Genocide is evil, even against evil races! We should try to ally with all of them and make peace!
    >> Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)22:39 No.17470093
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    Looks like this setting is about to be a reverse of the elf slave what do threads.

    Humans will likely be integrated with second class citizen status. Drow will move up to take part of the surface in the resulting power vacuum from dwarves and goblins. then you'll have two very eternal very powerful races at war with the squishy human slave's trying to be subservient and self preserving to not be squished under anyone's boots. It will be like drow tales but the humans are the protagonists.
    >> Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)22:40 No.17470101
    As archbishop Sylvyldyl is so kind to point out, yes, all of the 'infidels' must die. The question is, can the humans be forgiven for their failure to be elvish? They could not perceive the majesty of Almighty God, being blinded by his radiance.

    If they are introduced to our superior religion slowly, perhaps they will come around. One thing is certain however, the dwarves are not going to come around, and of course we don't WANT the goblins to come around. Can you imagine goblins in church? God forbid.

    Dwarves and Goblins die, Humans live. It's the only whay.
    >> Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)22:41 No.17470114
    >Reaches under the table and hits the button that summons the suede-denim secret police.
    >> Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)22:43 No.17470135
    GET A JOB.
    >> Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)22:45 No.17470163
    War cannot be avoided, it can only be delayed, and rarely to your advantage.

    Either we hit now while we have the power to hit hard, or we wait for them to start hitting.
    >> Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)22:52 No.17470258
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    Agreed, The choice of targets cannot be questioned. The issue of true importance must be what to do with the surv- our ally. The humans are indeed some crude matter at this juncture, but despite your misgivings, I have faith that they can be made to see in time. Theirs is a truly less fortunate existence, but one which the great God chose for them. We need not alter them, but merely show them their proper place. And in that endeavor, I believe time is on our side. And has it not been said that humans are rather adept at adapting? I think they will settle in quite well. One way or another.
    >> Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)22:54 No.17470293
    In addition to the other notes, I would like to point out that goblin flesh is stringy and foul, dwarven flesh is tough and must be roasted for many hours to be edible, but human flesh requires minimal preparation to be palatable, especially if their diet is monitored carefully.
    >> Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)22:56 No.17470318
    >adept at adapting

    Yes. And they're cunning linguists.
    >> Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)22:58 No.17470338
    Ally with the Humans, let them take the brunt of the casualties.

    By the end of the conflict, we should outnumber them. Their old and weak will die without spawning anymore of their kind.

    The younger Humans in their prime that do survive will be even fewer. We don't even have to wipe them out. just promote interbreeding with them, and soon within a few generations, the Humans Species will be nothing more than a memory of our elders.

    We will also gain many genetic benefits that we envy of them. All of their strengths, and none of their weaknesses.
    >> Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)23:00 No.17470369
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    Oh indeed they are. Why just the other day I was watching one of the maids, a pretty little thing (shame she's a human or she might even be worth bringing to a party), taking one of the oral exams. I must say, her tongue does things I've rarely seen one of her kind capable of. Not many people can recite the Great Genealogy in verse after a few scant hours of study. It was very impressive. Quite well trained she is. One must keep the help up to date, after all. Just enough, at least.
    >> Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)23:12 No.17470554
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    Ah move tah ally wif dem humans. 'Cause-a stuff I've heard heah today. Mostly that thar last bit.

    Now, I'll be in mah bunk if anyah y'all need me.
    >> Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)23:23 No.17470727
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    One question. What's stopping the other races from figuring out our plan and uniting to stop us? We're not made for attrition warfare.
    >> Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)23:24 No.17470731
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    and yet, there will always be more enemies for us to face, from within and without
    >> Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)23:26 No.17470773
    Kill Half-elves on spot.

    Ally with humans.

    Treat them well, fight alongside with them.

    Secretely murder every half-elf there is.

    Manipulate the masses with preachings about the evil that lurks with breeding with a human. They are brothers, but we shouldn't become one --It's not the will of our superior god.

    Once we conquer the Dwarves and the Goblins, we should continue our alliance with men while silently building our army in the case something breaks up.

    Kill all Half-Elves. Not a fucking Half-Elf will survive.
    >> Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)23:29 No.17470818
    If there's anything on God's green earth that elves are good at, it is not being taken seriously.

    Everyone knows that we're "planning" on destroying the lesser races, but really? We've been doing that since humans were banging rocks together to make flint spears, and they'll likely assume that it will continue being "planned" until the heat death of the universe.

    It's like a conspiracy theory to them, they'll never take it seriously until it happens, by which time it will be far, far too late.
    >> Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)23:32 No.17470860

    No one cares about Goblins

    Humans don't care enough about Dwarves to be an issue. A few well placed whispers and they will start the war themselves.
    >> Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)23:33 No.17470878
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    >> Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)23:39 No.17470944
    Looks like it's time to remind our long-lived friends just who's crazy enough to burn the whole world down.
    >> Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)23:41 No.17470978
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    Wish there was more of pic related.
    >> Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)23:46 No.17471020
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    I, my warhammer and my fortress all vote to kill the elves, the slow developing stagnant tree-hugging corpse-devouring motherfuckers.
    >> Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)23:47 No.17471040
    Ally with the dwarves. Make use of their technology to annihilate humans and goblins. We must be sure that they keep to their underground holes so that the forests may regrow and we may take them, so we should offer them the wealth of the human cities. The goblins are too great a risk, and we cannot have our daughters corrupted by human men.
    >> Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)23:50 No.17471079
    All die. It's only a matter of which we choose to ally with now. Humans would be best able to profit from what they might take from the dwarves and goblins, and they would breed among us. Would we slay our own grandchildren? Some might balk at that.
    >> Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)23:52 No.17471100
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    >> Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)23:53 No.17471112
    Humans of course .If they can be accredited with something its their talent for killing their enemies .We attempt to move against them even in secret and they will assume the whole world is against them and lash out at everything killing thousands .If we side with them however we can instead use them as our personal attack dogs .
    >> Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)23:55 No.17471134
    How would we turn our allied race against the others? Humans might turn on us as soon as aid us, and Dwarves would prefer to hide in their caves. Only the goblins can be directed as we please. We must direct the goblin hordes to war with the humans and the dwarves, and we will provide them with magical weapons. We will do so secretly, so all attacks by dwarf and human go to the goblins rather than to our forests. Ideally that war will end with both humans and dwarves exterminated, and we deactivate the weapons granted to the goblins, and destroy the last of them. We may keep their children to raise as slaves after that, but no adult should be allowed to live.
    >> Anonymous 01/08/12(Sun)23:58 No.17471167
    I vote we all take our sucide capsules and join the great elven god within his domain. Leave the mortal world to the wretches.

    *sneaks off and removes his plastic ear tips*
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:00 No.17471183
    There's only one tiny flaw with these plans.

    All three have already allied, and are burning the forest.

    Perhaps we shouldn't have spent two centuries discussing this. And maybe Tai'ranel's ballad, "Ode to the Slaughter of Goblin, Human and Dwarf" was less than appropriate to publish, however elegant and enchanting it may be.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:02 No.17471199
    I have but one question for my esteemed council members:

    Why? Why must we choose one race to conquer and the other two must be culled? I ask this in earnest, to know my fellow kins' answer.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:04 No.17471222
    >Fantasy time
    >Still thinking Half-elves are the solution

    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:04 No.17471224

    Because at present we lack the strength to cull all three, as previously mentioned.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:05 No.17471227
    >However, they also have incredibly poor judgement, and might successfully kill themselves off even if we don't wipe them out.

    You should not underestimate the dangers of dwarven hubris. They will certainly destroy themselves, but they may well drag us with them. There are things locked away beneath the earth which should be left to slumber for eternity, but the dwarves would dig too deep and too greedily.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:05 No.17471239
    Forests burn all the time. Just wait a while and they're back before you know it.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:07 No.17471247
    Ally with humans and goblins, kill the dwarves, then kill most goblins and keep the rest as a servitor race, I GUESS.

    Don't allow interbreeding. Never allow interbreeding.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:08 No.17471268
    Because the destiny of our race is to purify the land of the lesser kind. Our issue lies in the fact that this, our tactically finest moment, has assured us the ability to purge only two of our foes at a time. The third, we must find a proper way to deal with. That is why. Honestly, I shouldn't have to explain this to you.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:09 No.17471278
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    That'd be all well and good, except that we're in the forest.

    Furthermore, they seem intent on, well, killing us all.

    Maybe if we wait another century, the problem will solve itself? Maybe?
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:09 No.17471291
    I'm already in my burrow.

    Just don't tell anyone else that elves can dig and we'll just wait it out.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:10 No.17471297

    At least some degree of interbreeding is inevitable with the humans. You must remember that only the the purest and wisest elves are allowed to sit on the council, and that those excluded from these discussions will act on their own.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:12 No.17471327
    The honorable elf also forgets than the human appatite for sexual relations is......horrifying to say the least. They enjoy it far more than a respectible elf would and have ways of.....enticeing other species,even those they can not breed with, into doing it with them.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:13 No.17471328
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    Ah, yes, the burrow, good idea!
    I'll just


    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:13 No.17471334
    What precisely makes us greater and them lesser? What gives us the right to 'purify' them? Because of our 'intelligence'? Our 'skill'? Our 'craftsmenship'? Or is it their habit of taking what we perceive as ours? What entitles us to such? All I see are excuses and reasonsings that boil down to one, simple reason: We're older than them, so we know more.

    So what if we're older? Why can't they be given a chance to age, to become beautiful, skilled and wise upon their own terms? Must all fall under our way of thought because we've existed longer than them?

    Such....unearned arrogance we have!
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:14 No.17471341

    I see we have a heretic amongst us. GUARDS! Take this filth to the dungeon.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:15 No.17471360
    Dwarves tend not to dig in dirt. Too soft. Their techniques don't work. Those that do dig in dirt dig deep.

    Trust me. I've lived through six attempts to wipe out all elves. They all give up eventually.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:16 No.17471362
    Aren't forests in the pre-industrial era like, hundreds or thousands of miles wide?
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:16 No.17471367
    ......Check his ears to ensure they are real, human spies have faked haveing our people's perfect ears before.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:18 No.17471386
    >Invading massive forests
    Worked well for the Romans and the Americans.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:19 No.17471399
    Unearned... UNEARNED?!

    Our most glorious and magnificent God has given us a sacred right, a sacred duty and you would doubt?! You. Are. No. Elf.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:22 No.17471435
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    That would be very reassuring, if they weren't already here.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:22 No.17471439
    I am an elf! Though I'm hardly proud to say as such now!

    You'll find me harder to keep locked up than you think, 'brethren'! Who among you has ever bested me, with blade, with bow or with your hands? None so willing to get up instead of leaving others to do the work for you!

    Besides, you want me out of this council? Well, I'm more than happy to ablige. May God damn you all and strike you all down for your arrogance! I wash my hands of you all and shall take my leave!
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:23 No.17471457
    This is why I suggested we have the guards check his ears.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:24 No.17471466
    As crude as they may be, I would propose that we ally ourselves with the humans. Their lust and shortsightedness would make them the easiest to manipulate.

    We should send agents (under the guise of being traders and bards) into human lands so that they may be convinced of our race's splendor. Seeing our beauty and fine art, the simpletons shall inevitably become infatuated with us. They shall endeavor to become like us. Elven silk and porcelain will dominate the human markets.

    Meanwhile we will begin to slowly infiltrate their bloodlines beginning with their wizards. As educated individuals who are already eager to obtain our skill in magic, they would prove the easiest to infiltrate. Additionally, being able to control their mages would allow us to exert considerable control over their kingdoms indirectly.

    Starting with their institutions and ending with their very race, we shall breed the humans as though they were thoroughbred horses.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:24 No.17471471

    We do not need to best you with blade or bow, most of us individually are your match or better with magic.

    I move to have the ex-councilor's priest interrogated on suspicion of heresy.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:25 No.17471474
    Such drivel... your ancestors must weep to hear that you have fallen to such a pitiful state of madness.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:28 No.17471515
    Would the humans slay their grandchildren? By allying with the humans, not only will we be saving their souls, but we will present their children--OUR children--with a refined culture and society they could never have dreamed of as they wallowed amongst the roundear's feeble efforts at the same.

    I pity the humans. The poor, blighted things, zipping about their short, wretched lives, telling myths and legends about heroes and adventures who lived and died scarcely five centuries before. How can they truly appreciate the patterns and designs of history's grand tapestry, when they can see so little of it? How can they ever develop true culture, when each of them barely has a chance to leave their mark upon the canvas of society?

    And yet, I must admit that there is a certain... piquancy about the energies they put into their lives. It pains me to say it, but the humans do possess a certain mix of impatience and opportunism that serves them well. In the amount of time it takes us to complete our discourses and studies of certain weighty matters and settle upon a course of action, a group of humans would already have formed and executed their plans and be evaluating the results. Of course, their method is notoriously prone to disruption by events that cannot be reasonably foreseen (by human standards of reasonable foresight), but I feel that a certain degree of rapidity would be a useful tool.
    Perhaps a bit of miscegnation--and only a bit--would do more good than harm.

    If it doesn't work out, we can always sterilize the offspring.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:29 No.17471527
    Can we please pretend for a moment that we promote senators because they show an understanding of realpolitik and not because they've got nice asses?
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:32 No.17471554
    Celebrity candidates are the bane of Elfdom.

    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:33 No.17471574

    They're a necessity to keep the people in line.

    Though, someone should have looked at the subject of today's meeting before sending out invitations.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:35 No.17471590
    You're actually losing to them? You're not actually an elf then. No loss.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:38 No.17471616
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    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:39 No.17471624

    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:39 No.17471627
    Not when the woodlands are cut to feed shipwrights.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:40 No.17471633
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    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:40 No.17471640
    Anyone here remember the last time we purged all lesser races from the surface of the Earth?

    The Bronze Men were all like "why?" And we were all like "I dunno lol."
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:41 No.17471649
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    >> Guts !!SxZRq+yFbD9 01/09/12(Mon)00:41 No.17471651
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    >this thread

    ...holy fuck.

    Later, assholes! I'm off to inform some dwarven and human kings about what's going on here. Enjoy not being trusted by anyone ever.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:43 No.17471678
    Why do you keep posting pictures of pointy eared humans being killed?
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:46 No.17471716
    Those were the good old days. Back when you could just blow a hunting horn and get a raiding party ready in a five minutes. These days the bureaucrats say that "all elves should spend at least 100 years in sword school before being allowed to raid." This health and safety culture is killing us.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:46 No.17471718
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    Look at OPic, now look at the dead elves. Now back to OPic, now back to dead elves.

    Sadly, they really are dead elves. Now if you guys got busy thinking about more pressing concerns, you might not be the next dead elves. Maybe.

    It might be too late now.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:48 No.17471738
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    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:52 No.17471775
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    You're all fools! Arrogant cowards that see your fear of being washed away by the other races justifies annihilating them! That that is what GOD wants us to do!

    Well, I shall take no more of this! I will go to the their lands, and I shall give them a chance to rise to God's standard! I will bring them His Word, clean of elven bias!

    They would weep for you all the more, for They have told me so.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:53 No.17471786
    Oh wow, we've lost the trust of the people whose entire history is the history of us betraying them.

    I guess easymode's off, boys. Now we actually have to use hotkeys.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:53 No.17471788
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    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:54 No.17471792
    >dead elves
    No such thing. To die they need to lose. Elves never lose to lesser beings.. Therefore, all those corpses can't be elves.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:55 No.17471813
    Oh please. Night elves are the other other dark meat. Raise your hand if you're only here because you think we might vote to kill all the dark elves next!
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)00:58 No.17471833
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    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)01:00 No.17471849
    Clever logic. Warrior logic.
    "No warrior has ever fallen in battle! Whoever falls to the blade of the barbarian was no warrior at all, only a frail sheep to be culled!"
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)01:02 No.17471866
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    >Implying you're more civilized than goblinoids.
    >Implying you're prettier than Baus.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)01:10 No.17471927
    God, it's like herding cats. Chetnic cats.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)01:14 No.17471975
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    Two weeks later...
    >> Sarge 01/09/12(Mon)01:15 No.17471982
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    I'll bet your kid is feeling great about those art classes he had to suffer through now, you milksops. It's fucking go time, PUT ON YOUR WAR FACE.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)02:35 No.17472847
    I, councillor El Van heartily approve of allying ourselves wiht humans. In centuries, they will surely build things that will outshine even the dwarves' technolgy. And we need to control them, simply influence their leaders with our flowery words, or rely on their avarice. Also, good breeding material. Now, if you'll pardon me council members, I must go home to copulate with my wife.

    *One of his ears starts slowly falling off as he walks away.*
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)02:37 No.17472856
    *should we need to control them

    Bah! You'd think I'd have better control over such a simple laguage.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)02:38 No.17472881
    Have you tried rolling a mouse in gibanica?
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)02:42 No.17472915
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    Sir, we conducted the false ear checks and found that every single person at this meeting was in fact a human, including yourself and myself, sir.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)02:43 No.17472928
    I... No. That would probably work. Fuck.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)02:45 No.17472943

    Guards, take away this liar before he blows our cov...

    Before he lies some more!
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)02:48 No.17472965
    ...Wait, I'm here to steer the elves into an unwinnable war. What the fuck are you people here for? Same thing? Are there any actual elves here? No?
    If so, who the fuck is hosting the meeting? Were all those servants just disguised humans? I thought those were mine...

    But then who are my commando units fighting outside? Did you guys also send disguised commando units? Where are the actual elves?

    No seriously, where are the actual elves?
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)02:49 No.17472977

    Oh shit.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)02:49 No.17472986
    Every fucking time.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)02:50 No.17472996

    That is, uh...

    Maybe they're...

    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)02:51 No.17473000
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)02:51 No.17473004
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    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)02:52 No.17473010
    I was sent here to get them to ally with humans against the goblins.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)02:52 No.17473015
    For that matter, I don't recall ever actually seeing any Goblins or Dwarves that weren't human infiltrators.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)02:53 No.17473022
    I think I saw a dwarf, once!

    It was dead though, so maybe that doesn't count.
    >> El Van 01/09/12(Mon)02:53 No.17473024

    What? I was mainly trying to get some elven poon tang, and maybe drive them towards Assholia if necessary.

    ....Shit, okay, which on of you is from Assholia?
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)02:54 No.17473030
    wow that is a LOT of hands I see raised...
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)02:55 No.17473033
    That would be me. Those floating pieces of paper above my head are actually stink lines.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)02:55 No.17473040
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    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)02:56 No.17473050
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    *best elf voice* me says we's letz tem gooozzz
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)02:58 No.17473067
    Okay guys, let's be honest.

    The elves got us.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)02:58 No.17473073
    ...is he an elf?

    Maybe the elves weren't kidding when they said they were all sailing away to some island.
    >> El Van 01/09/12(Mon)03:00 No.17473085


    Man, I hope she's a half elf at least.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:01 No.17473099
    And thus the secret Illuminati conspiracy behind the fake-ear manufacturing businesses were pleased.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:01 No.17473101
    I'd be hoping she's really a she, if I were you.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:02 No.17473108
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    Not only are there no Elves here...
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:04 No.17473123
    ...well. Should we tell the armies to stand down, since the elves pulled another trick on us?
    >> El Van 01/09/12(Mon)03:04 No.17473125
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    NO! I'M POSTIVE SHE'S A SHE! I'VE BEEN "DOWN THERE" MORE TIMES THAN I CAN COUNT! ...Then again...she does tend to insist on wearing a belt when we do our thing...oh...oh god...I feel so confused right now...
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:05 No.17473138
    Who have our armies even been fighting all this time fore that matter?
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:07 No.17473152
    This mission cost my state eight million Drachmas. I am NOT going to be the one to explain that the entire Elvish nation that we've been skirting around for thirty years has been empty land with scarecrows manning the walls.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:07 No.17473160
    Well I hired a bunch of mercenary rangers and had them disguise as... oh shit.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:07 No.17473165
    They're just fighting themselves at this point, so yeah.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:09 No.17473176
    ...then let's not tell them that.

    Alright everybody, we successfully infiltrated the elven court and caused the entire remaining population to flee to another realm. You clear?
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:11 No.17473190
    Yeah, we're clear.

    MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! CONGRATULATIONS EVERYBODY! Now someone help me get these damned ears off...
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:11 No.17473197
    Right, good plan.

    Mission Accomplished!
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:12 No.17473200
    ...I can't get my ears off. It's like the glue's permanent! I can't even feel the joins!
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:12 No.17473202
    Thank God. So, who gets the empty land?
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:12 No.17473207
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    Today, we have won a great victory for democracy over the elves!
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:13 No.17473211
    Yours come off?! I had mine surgically altered! I've been infiltrating this place for the past 6 years! How have I not noticed this until now?
    >> El Van 01/09/12(Mon)03:13 No.17473212
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    ..Alright, I think I have an idea. We burn the whole thing down. The town, forest, EVERY THING. You get to say the elves were planning an attack on...wherever you're from, and that you had to set torch to this place, and sadly some of your men died in the process. I'm sure the rest of you can explain something similar.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:13 No.17473213

    ... let's kill him and say he was the elven king.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:14 No.17473219
    Yes... let's....
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:15 No.17473222
    finly, itsa bout tiem we gobbies ge ourz kingdums... ve'll tack te landz
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:17 No.17473227
    ...I only demand a dignified burial.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:17 No.17473229
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    >ITT: Problem, Infidels?
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:17 No.17473230
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    An excellent proposal, fellow goblin.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:17 No.17473234
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    ... sure, I know the perfect place for you to build the first city. It's a short walk to the west.

    I would also like to give you a gift of blankets.
    >> El Van 01/09/12(Mon)03:18 No.17473238

    ...Wait, no. Let him live. I say we have him "surrender", and sign a peace treaty in front of our various leaders. We're going to need to bling him up to make him look fairly convincing, though.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:18 No.17473239
    Uhh...about that. I hired a group of colonists a few years back to settle here and imitate elven peasants. They are quick settled in at the moment.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:18 No.17473240
    Excuse me, I need to powder my nose.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:18 No.17473245

    They probably got burned down too.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:19 No.17473247
    Do I get a say in this?
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:19 No.17473249
    In theory they do. But... why is this not working? ...waitashit... guys? I think I actually might be some kind of elvish spy or something. I THOUGHT I was human, but then I was an elf, and then I thought I was a human... FUCK, I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE!

    I just wanna go home... oh Gods, where's "home"? AW, man! Maybe I should just go grab an ale or something, figure this shit out later.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:20 No.17473255
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    Now, I'm not saying this whole thing was an elven plot.

    But this whole thing was an elven plot.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:21 No.17473259
    okies. yous says ther a batter lund to tha wests. We gobs shall marsh their raght nuw.

    tanks fer teh blinkts
    >> El Van 01/09/12(Mon)03:21 No.17473262

    ...You're an actual elf? All the more convincing to lead on that you're king! Alright, everyone find whatever fancy regalia you have, and we'll see what makes him look good!
    >> El Van 01/09/12(Mon)03:22 No.17473273

    You're more or less surrounded by humans and possibly some goblins, and a very horny xenophile (in effect, me). What can you possibly say to sway us?
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:23 No.17473284

    I haven't heard from my contact in Fort Stonecats in a while.

    You don't think they...
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:24 No.17473288
    Why would the elf king pretend to be a human pretending to be an elf? That's completely mental! And that's coming from the guy who can't recall what race he is, so I know mental when I see it!
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:24 No.17473290
    It's not gay if it's an elf
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:24 No.17473293
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    This thread has now been archived.

    I love you guys
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:25 No.17473295

    We don't tell the peasants that, now shush or we'll make you the sacrificial lamb, Mr Raceconfused
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:25 No.17473296
    Actually, I've been a normal elf pretending to be the king this entire time.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:25 No.17473303
    Remember: Ancient Aliens genetically engineered humanity out of monkeys so we could mine gold for them.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:26 No.17473309
    Fuck, there were goblins here? Were they pretending to be elves, humans, or were they pretending to be humans pretending to be elves? Or were the elves pretending to be goblins... FUCK, I'M SO CONFUSED.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:27 No.17473317
    Ancient aliens? Oh god I'm so confused right now.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:27 No.17473320
    So, let me get this straight.

    We humans spent our time, money, and manpower trying to destroy an elven kingdom that was made up entirely by human infiltrators. We Trail of Tears'd the goblins. And the dwarves are MIA.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:28 No.17473327
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    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:30 No.17473338
    I think the Dwarves might have just been really short humans towards the end, actually.

    Also, some of the goblins look like they're wearing masks, in the right like.
    >> El Van 01/09/12(Mon)03:30 No.17473341


    Never mind, we found a better canidate! He at least has EXPERIENCE faking he's royalty! As for you, Mr. Confused, at least you don't have to worry about who you were banging all this time.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:31 No.17473343
    So what does that make the dragons?
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:31 No.17473345
    Where ARE the dwarves for that matter? You think they killed eachother?
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:31 No.17473351
    we wuz jus standen heer mundin aur busnaz.

    me guezz tha elfies forgut aboot tha pace tulks fram tres deys ego.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:32 No.17473355
    No more elves now. Never were any. No humans. No more humans in all the universe. Never were any. No goblins. No dwarves. No plants. No stars. No hands. I haven't any hands anymore. Never had any. Can't prove it. No ears. Never had any. Can't prove it. No lips. No face. No head. Nothing. Only space. Only the gap. Nothing on top, nothing on the bottom, a lot of empty nothings between...
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:32 No.17473359
    *meanwhile at a peace conference*

    ...so are the humans and goblins going to show up or what?
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:33 No.17473362
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    Pardon me sirs, house cleani...

    ...I'll come back later
    >> El Van 01/09/12(Mon)03:33 No.17473363

    ...I think he's broken.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:33 No.17473365

    Quick, guys! Remember, it's not rape if it's an elf.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:34 No.17473373
    Wait, house keeping? Are we even in the right place?
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:36 No.17473384

    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:36 No.17473389
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    Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you one simple question:

    ... Are you, or are you not, an elf?
    >> El Van 01/09/12(Mon)03:37 No.17473392

    The hell? I thought this council chamber was off limits to everyone but us "councilmen". And I'm pretty sure cleaning was supposed be a bit later, after we left.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:37 No.17473395
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    ...Yes. That's exactly what just happened.

    It's a little unnerving to be outmaneuvered this entirely. This must be what it feels like to get into a theological debate with Nero Wolfe.

    >Well yes but it's clear that the works of Thomas Aquinas are little more than--
    >Hold on a moment infidel I'm convicting you of vehicular manslaughter
    >What? No! I'm going home!
    >You shouldn't drive after drinking so much of Fritz's excellent scotch.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:39 No.17473406
    Erm...yes? Excuse me, but wasn't this conference room reserved for elven delegates?
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:40 No.17473412

    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:40 No.17473414
    You know, that one guy arguing against the genocide bit might have been an actual elf.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:41 No.17473421
    *cough, and elf voice again* Vat ar u ticking abous veer all elfies
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:41 No.17473425
    Oh yeah, the guy who leaped out the window. Wonder why he didn't use the door.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:42 No.17473429
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    Yes. Yes I am. Can't you tell by my beautiful ears?
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:43 No.17473437
    >are you or are you not an elf?

    What rock hard interrogation tactics they teach in the west.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:43 No.17473439
    There was coffee. Some really short guys with huge beards brought in a while back.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:44 No.17473441
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    I say we commit genocide on all of them, and then kill off any elves who don't look like us.

    Then we can get high and have practice belly magic.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:45 No.17473449
    Well, it doesn't really matter in the long run, seeing as none of us really exist anyway. Why don't we find a nice cafe and discuss your ear-related delusions over a delicious cup of falsehood?
    >> El Van 01/09/12(Mon)03:46 No.17473453

    ....I get the distinct feeling this a trap to get us to reveal ourselves. Gentlemen, I believe we're even more fucked than we thought, and not in the way I'd like!

    ...! He probably went to get the real elven army! Damn!
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:46 No.17473458
    >belly magic.

    ... what the fuck is that shit?
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:47 No.17473467
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:47 No.17473473
    Gentlemen, it's confirmed. The only elf in this country is in fact the maid. The hot, delicious brown maid in the french maid outfit...
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:48 No.17473477

    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:49 No.17473483

    ... and we did agree that breeding the elves and humans together was a good idea ...
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:51 No.17473493
    And so we have come full circle.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:51 No.17473497
    By the right if spoils I claim her for the realm of Haargen!
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:52 No.17473502
    Now now, gentlemen, remember that everyone here thought that everyone else was an elf. One guy went crazy because he actually thought HE was an elf trying to impersonate a human. Why don't we let the poor lass go. She's clearly confused.
    >> El Van 01/09/12(Mon)03:54 No.17473519

    I second this motion. Why don't you go along and run home, dear? It's clearly been a long day for you.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:56 No.17473531
    So wait, we are all elves pretending to be humans?
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:57 No.17473542
    It's a euphemism for gay sex and/or rape.

    Vivec's spear is called MUATRA.
    Jiub's spear is called LAST NIGHT'S STORM.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:58 No.17473545

    That, and I should imagine I would rather be going now, if indeed I do exist. Which I am not thoroughly convinced of. There is much of this grand delusion yet to be seen!
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:58 No.17473546
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    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)03:58 No.17473547

    Y...yes sirs...
    ...would you like some tea before I leave for the day?
    >> El Van 01/09/12(Mon)04:00 No.17473554

    Apparently, fellow councilman. Though I still think the real elves are trying to get us to reveal ourselves and then kill everyone in this room....:sigh:...damn it, I just wanted to make love to my possibly elven wife!
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)04:00 No.17473556
    darmot. I's a gob an I's tierd ofh das shiet. Vear talkng bac dis laund
    >> El Van 01/09/12(Mon)04:01 No.17473559

    ...Eh, why not? Sure.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)04:01 No.17473561
    No no no no, we are all dwarves pretending to be humans pretending to be elves. The humans are pretending to be goblins pretending to be elves. The goblins are pretending to be humans and dwarves and the elves are pretending to be goblins.

    At least, I am.

    Now I must ask you all, where in the fuck do the orcs fit in? Or are they just not pretending to be anyone?
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)04:01 No.17473563
    Or your possibly wife-ish elf.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)04:03 No.17473569
    Your elven wife is neither elven nor a wife. It is actually an unusually-tall goblin in a dress and rubber mask.
    >> El Van 01/09/12(Mon)04:05 No.17473579

    ...I will pimp slap the FUCK out of the next person who further confuses the fuck out of who/what my wife is.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)04:06 No.17473592
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    Is this her?
    >> El Van 01/09/12(Mon)04:11 No.17473618

    THAT'S IT, I--...well, now that I think about it, her hair DOES resemble my wife's...and it certainly would explain why so strong for an elf, and her somewhat crude way of speaking...

    I...I'm okay with this.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)04:16 No.17473650
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    *sigh* who confused the half-orc again?
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)04:24 No.17473706
    >Some days later
    >Lord Ellamire of Thrace
    >Journal Entry #785
    >The Twenty-Third of October
    The humans have finally puzzled it out. They discovered today that there were no actual elves left on the council. The gradual withdrawal of our councilors after the spies began to infiltrate our ranks proved to have amusing results. I was almost discovered when my ears refused to "come off", but a quick bluff made it seem as though I had gone mad, and that I could not recall whether I was in fact a spy, a double-agent, a triple-agent, or some other unknown type of agent which rightfully has no name. I thank my father for suggesting those acting lessons so many decades ago. I very nearly fooled myself. Despite that bit of excitement, very little was learned aside from what we already suspected. I fear this little diversion was six years I could have better spent reading poetry or practicing at the sword.

    Oh, and somebody forgot to inform the maid of our plans. Very charming young lass, and always very eager to please, but a bit unobservant. She did not realize that over the last six years the council had been slowly replaced by witless humans in prosthetic ears! She is safe now, but none the less confused by the ordeal. Still, her tea is quite good. I think I shall have to increase her salary. Perhaps she would make a good courtesan one of these days.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)04:33 No.17473755
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    Remember, the result of this must make Inception look like an episode of Blues Clues.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)04:53 No.17473894
    Well, this thread kind of died. I guess the elves won after all?

    Fuck it. I'm too confused.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)04:53 No.17473898
    If there's anything that this thread has shown us conclusively, it's that the fucking elves always win.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)04:55 No.17473905
    Apparently they don't even need to be in the room to win.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)04:55 No.17473911
    Except it turns out the real elves are all Alpha Legion spies.

    So Alpharius won.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)05:03 No.17473966
    And that's a wrap, folks. Let's hit the archives.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)05:05 No.17473970
    Oh please, someone archive or screencap this shit stat.
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)05:52 No.17474335
    >> Anonymous 01/09/12(Mon)07:19 No.17474910
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    To human, goblin, dwarven and elven scum,

    From >>17471775

    Just as planned.

    Hugs and kisses, Eldrad

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