>Humans: Sexy, Stupid, redeemable heretics

>Dwarves: Ugly, Smarter than us, Infidels

>Goblins: Ugly, Stupid, Infidels

I don't understand the question here sir. Ma'am. Sir.

Humans here.

Bring it, we've got TONS of lube ready.

If we ally with the humans the odds are they'll end up running the empire after a while, and we'll sort of be a bitter elite wishing we had held onto control for a bit longer.

If we ally with the dwarves we'll probably end up on reservations. They'll outlaw our religion, make us drink their awful beer, and generally be tools.

If we ally with the goblins we'll almost certainly enslave them, after which we can slowly work their race to extinction by controlling their food supply.

Humans if we want no risk of death, but little chance of victory.
Goblins if we want potential victory but risk of death.
Dwarves must die, period.

Dwarves. If they can survive on their own and stay at peace with us, our society will profit greatly of the exchanges with such a complementary culture.

I move to replace the Goblins with the Halflings. Small and weak and useless, they would add nothing to our cause but pose no threat.

I vote we kill the Elves.

>>17469806
Secon-Wait, how did you
Gork and Mork, please leave.

>>17469672
>make us drink their awful beer
>implying humans weren't the ones responsible for Natty Lite.

We can potentially save the collective souls of Mankind. We need not fear miscegenating with the Mon-Keigh, our superior Elven genes will easily overpower their flawed genome.

An alliance with the Goblins is foolishness. They have no written language, no coherent government and no culture. Worse, their militaries are notoriously prone to cowardice. I trust I need not remind anyone here of our great victory over the Goblins at the battle of Helsadale, where the opposing army was routed by a single wyvern squadron landing in their rear.

As for the Dwarves? Pah! I must respect the bravery of our Speaker for daring to float the possibility of an alliance! The crimes of Dwarvenkind are far too numerous to mention!

Our choice is clear. We must ally with the Humans, or ally with none.

My friends, the choice is simple.
The Dwarves represent an organized, powerful and very real threat to our way of life. Should they choose to make war, the outcome will be at a supreme cost, and the victor uncertain. Of our two targets, failing to include these foes is a deadly mistake.
As for the secondary target, I believe the goblins would be a wise choice. Despite their relatively weak structure, they will, even with the best of efforts, be an eternal nuisance. Their usefulness, even if the can be domesticated, is merely theoretical. In all likelyhood, they are far too outside the realm of the proper Elvish forms to ever be deemed worth so much of an investment on our part. As such, they are at best, a liability, should we leave them.
The humans, unpredictable as they may be, are close enough that we can manipulate them, and perhaps, in time, reform them, showing them the proper way of things. Even in the meantime, they are reasonable enough to be of use to us.
I think our choice should be clear.

Genocide is evil, even against evil races! We should try to ally with all of them and make peace!

Looks like this setting is about to be a reverse of the elf slave what do threads.

Humans will likely be integrated with second class citizen status. Drow will move up to take part of the surface in the resulting power vacuum from dwarves and goblins. then you'll have two very eternal very powerful races at war with the squishy human slave's trying to be subservient and self preserving to not be squished under anyone's boots. It will be like drow tales but the humans are the protagonists.

>>17469630
As archbishop Sylvyldyl is so kind to point out, yes, all of the 'infidels' must die. The question is, can the humans be forgiven for their failure to be elvish? They could not perceive the majesty of Almighty God, being blinded by his radiance.

If they are introduced to our superior religion slowly, perhaps they will come around. One thing is certain however, the dwarves are not going to come around, and of course we don't WANT the goblins to come around. Can you imagine goblins in church? God forbid.

Dwarves and Goblins die, Humans live. It's the only whay.

>>17470050
>Reaches under the table and hits the button that summons the suede-denim secret police.

>>17470050
GET A JOB.

>>17470050
War cannot be avoided, it can only be delayed, and rarely to your advantage.

Either we hit now while we have the power to hit hard, or we wait for them to start hitting.

>>17470101
Agreed, The choice of targets cannot be questioned. The issue of true importance must be what to do with the surv- our ally. The humans are indeed some crude matter at this juncture, but despite your misgivings, I have faith that they can be made to see in time. Theirs is a truly less fortunate existence, but one which the great God chose for them. We need not alter them, but merely show them their proper place. And in that endeavor, I believe time is on our side. And has it not been said that humans are rather adept at adapting? I think they will settle in quite well. One way or another.

In addition to the other notes, I would like to point out that goblin flesh is stringy and foul, dwarven flesh is tough and must be roasted for many hours to be edible, but human flesh requires minimal preparation to be palatable, especially if their diet is monitored carefully.

>>17470258
>adept at adapting

Yes. And they're cunning linguists.

Ally with the Humans, let them take the brunt of the casualties.

By the end of the conflict, we should outnumber them. Their old and weak will die without spawning anymore of their kind.

The younger Humans in their prime that do survive will be even fewer. We don't even have to wipe them out. just promote interbreeding with them, and soon within a few generations, the Humans Species will be nothing more than a memory of our elders.

We will also gain many genetic benefits that we envy of them. All of their strengths, and none of their weaknesses.

>>17470318
Oh indeed they are. Why just the other day I was watching one of the maids, a pretty little thing (shame she's a human or she might even be worth bringing to a party), taking one of the oral exams. I must say, her tongue does things I've rarely seen one of her kind capable of. Not many people can recite the Great Genealogy in verse after a few scant hours of study. It was very impressive. Quite well trained she is. One must keep the help up to date, after all. Just enough, at least.

>>17470369
Ah move tah ally wif dem humans. 'Cause-a stuff I've heard heah today. Mostly that thar last bit.

Now, I'll be in mah bunk if anyah y'all need me.

One question. What's stopping the other races from figuring out our plan and uniting to stop us? We're not made for attrition warfare.

>>17470338
and yet, there will always be more enemies for us to face, from within and without

Kill Half-elves on spot.

Ally with humans.

Treat them well, fight alongside with them.

Secretely murder every half-elf there is.

Manipulate the masses with preachings about the evil that lurks with breeding with a human. They are brothers, but we shouldn't become one --It's not the will of our superior god.

Once we conquer the Dwarves and the Goblins, we should continue our alliance with men while silently building our army in the case something breaks up.

Kill all Half-Elves. Not a fucking Half-Elf will survive.

>>17470727
If there's anything on God's green earth that elves are good at, it is not being taken seriously.

Everyone knows that we're "planning" on destroying the lesser races, but really? We've been doing that since humans were banging rocks together to make flint spears, and they'll likely assume that it will continue being "planned" until the heat death of the universe.

It's like a conspiracy theory to them, they'll never take it seriously until it happens, by which time it will be far, far too late.

>>17470727

No one cares about Goblins

Humans don't care enough about Dwarves to be an issue. A few well placed whispers and they will start the war themselves.

>>17470773
Alternatively

Looks like it's time to remind our long-lived friends just who's crazy enough to burn the whole world down.

Wish there was more of pic related.

I, my warhammer and my fortress all vote to kill the elves, the slow developing stagnant tree-hugging corpse-devouring motherfuckers.

Ally with the dwarves. Make use of their technology to annihilate humans and goblins. We must be sure that they keep to their underground holes so that the forests may regrow and we may take them, so we should offer them the wealth of the human cities. The goblins are too great a risk, and we cannot have our daughters corrupted by human men.

>>17470101
All die. It's only a matter of which we choose to ally with now. Humans would be best able to profit from what they might take from the dwarves and goblins, and they would breed among us. Would we slay our own grandchildren? Some might balk at that.

>>17470978

Humans of course .If they can be accredited with something its their talent for killing their enemies .We attempt to move against them even in secret and they will assume the whole world is against them and lash out at everything killing thousands .If we side with them however we can instead use them as our personal attack dogs .

How would we turn our allied race against the others? Humans might turn on us as soon as aid us, and Dwarves would prefer to hide in their caves. Only the goblins can be directed as we please. We must direct the goblin hordes to war with the humans and the dwarves, and we will provide them with magical weapons. We will do so secretly, so all attacks by dwarf and human go to the goblins rather than to our forests. Ideally that war will end with both humans and dwarves exterminated, and we deactivate the weapons granted to the goblins, and destroy the last of them. We may keep their children to raise as slaves after that, but no adult should be allowed to live.

I vote we all take our sucide capsules and join the great elven god within his domain. Leave the mortal world to the wretches.


*sneaks off and removes his plastic ear tips*

There's only one tiny flaw with these plans.

All three have already allied, and are burning the forest.

Perhaps we shouldn't have spent two centuries discussing this. And maybe Tai'ranel's ballad, "Ode to the Slaughter of Goblin, Human and Dwarf" was less than appropriate to publish, however elegant and enchanting it may be.

I have but one question for my esteemed council members:

Why? Why must we choose one race to conquer and the other two must be culled? I ask this in earnest, to know my fellow kins' answer.

>>17470878
>Fantasy time
>Still thinking Half-elves are the solution

HUMAN LOVER

>>17471199

Because at present we lack the strength to cull all three, as previously mentioned.

>However, they also have incredibly poor judgement, and might successfully kill themselves off even if we don't wipe them out.

You should not underestimate the dangers of dwarven hubris. They will certainly destroy themselves, but they may well drag us with them. There are things locked away beneath the earth which should be left to slumber for eternity, but the dwarves would dig too deep and too greedily.

>>17471183
Forests burn all the time. Just wait a while and they're back before you know it.

Ally with humans and goblins, kill the dwarves, then kill most goblins and keep the rest as a servitor race, I GUESS.

Don't allow interbreeding. Never allow interbreeding.

>>17471199
Because the destiny of our race is to purify the land of the lesser kind. Our issue lies in the fact that this, our tactically finest moment, has assured us the ability to purge only two of our foes at a time. The third, we must find a proper way to deal with. That is why. Honestly, I shouldn't have to explain this to you.

>>17471239

That'd be all well and good, except that we're in the forest.

Furthermore, they seem intent on, well, killing us all.

Maybe if we wait another century, the problem will solve itself? Maybe?

>>17471278
I'm already in my burrow.

Just don't tell anyone else that elves can dig and we'll just wait it out.

>>17471247

At least some degree of interbreeding is inevitable with the humans. You must remember that only the the purest and wisest elves are allowed to sit on the council, and that those excluded from these discussions will act on their own.

>>17471297
The honorable elf also forgets than the human appatite for sexual relations is......horrifying to say the least. They enjoy it far more than a respectible elf would and have ways of.....enticeing other species,even those they can not breed with, into doing it with them.

>>17471291

Ah, yes, the burrow, good idea!
I'll just

er...

captain?

>>17471268
What precisely makes us greater and them lesser? What gives us the right to 'purify' them? Because of our 'intelligence'? Our 'skill'? Our 'craftsmenship'? Or is it their habit of taking what we perceive as ours? What entitles us to such? All I see are excuses and reasonsings that boil down to one, simple reason: We're older than them, so we know more.

So what if we're older? Why can't they be given a chance to age, to become beautiful, skilled and wise upon their own terms? Must all fall under our way of thought because we've existed longer than them?

Such....unearned arrogance we have!

>>17471334

I see we have a heretic amongst us. GUARDS! Take this filth to the dungeon.

>>17471328
Dwarves tend not to dig in dirt. Too soft. Their techniques don't work. Those that do dig in dirt dig deep.

Trust me. I've lived through six attempts to wipe out all elves. They all give up eventually.

>>17471278
Aren't forests in the pre-industrial era like, hundreds or thousands of miles wide?

>>17471334
......Check his ears to ensure they are real, human spies have faked haveing our people's perfect ears before.

>>17471183
>Invading massive forests
Worked well for the Romans and the Americans.

>>17471334
Unearned... UNEARNED?!

Our most glorious and magnificent God has given us a sacred right, a sacred duty and you would doubt?! You. Are. No. Elf.

>>17471360

That would be very reassuring, if they weren't already here.

>>17471367
I am an elf! Though I'm hardly proud to say as such now!

>>17471341
You'll find me harder to keep locked up than you think, 'brethren'! Who among you has ever bested me, with blade, with bow or with your hands? None so willing to get up instead of leaving others to do the work for you!

Besides, you want me out of this council? Well, I'm more than happy to ablige. May God damn you all and strike you all down for your arrogance! I wash my hands of you all and shall take my leave!

>>17471399
This is why I suggested we have the guards check his ears.

As crude as they may be, I would propose that we ally ourselves with the humans. Their lust and shortsightedness would make them the easiest to manipulate.

We should send agents (under the guise of being traders and bards) into human lands so that they may be convinced of our race's splendor. Seeing our beauty and fine art, the simpletons shall inevitably become infatuated with us. They shall endeavor to become like us. Elven silk and porcelain will dominate the human markets.

Meanwhile we will begin to slowly infiltrate their bloodlines beginning with their wizards. As educated individuals who are already eager to obtain our skill in magic, they would prove the easiest to infiltrate. Additionally, being able to control their mages would allow us to exert considerable control over their kingdoms indirectly.

Starting with their institutions and ending with their very race, we shall breed the humans as though they were thoroughbred horses.

>>17471439

We do not need to best you with blade or bow, most of us individually are your match or better with magic.

I move to have the ex-councilor's priest interrogated on suspicion of heresy.

>>17471334
Such drivel... your ancestors must weep to hear that you have fallen to such a pitiful state of madness.

>>17471079
Would the humans slay their grandchildren? By allying with the humans, not only will we be saving their souls, but we will present their children--OUR children--with a refined culture and society they could never have dreamed of as they wallowed amongst the roundear's feeble efforts at the same.

I pity the humans. The poor, blighted things, zipping about their short, wretched lives, telling myths and legends about heroes and adventures who lived and died scarcely five centuries before. How can they truly appreciate the patterns and designs of history's grand tapestry, when they can see so little of it? How can they ever develop true culture, when each of them barely has a chance to leave their mark upon the canvas of society?

And yet, I must admit that there is a certain... piquancy about the energies they put into their lives. It pains me to say it, but the humans do possess a certain mix of impatience and opportunism that serves them well. In the amount of time it takes us to complete our discourses and studies of certain weighty matters and settle upon a course of action, a group of humans would already have formed and executed their plans and be evaluating the results. Of course, their method is notoriously prone to disruption by events that cannot be reasonably foreseen (by human standards of reasonable foresight), but I feel that a certain degree of rapidity would be a useful tool.
Perhaps a bit of miscegnation--and only a bit--would do more good than harm.

If it doesn't work out, we can always sterilize the offspring.

>>17471334
Can we please pretend for a moment that we promote senators because they show an understanding of realpolitik and not because they've got nice asses?

>>17471527
Celebrity candidates are the bane of Elfdom.

>Also, RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE

>>17471554

They're a necessity to keep the people in line.

Though, someone should have looked at the subject of today's meeting before sending out invitations.

>>17471435
You're actually losing to them? You're not actually an elf then. No loss.

>>17471604
>>17471616

sauce?

>>17471362
Not when the woodlands are cut to feed shipwrights.

Anyone here remember the last time we purged all lesser races from the surface of the Earth?

The Bronze Men were all like "why?" And we were all like "I dunno lol."

>this thread

...holy fuck.

Later, assholes! I'm off to inform some dwarven and human kings about what's going on here. Enjoy not being trusted by anyone ever.

>>17471604
>>17471616
>>17471633
>>17471649
Why do you keep posting pictures of pointy eared humans being killed?

>>17471640
Those were the good old days. Back when you could just blow a hunting horn and get a raiding party ready in a five minutes. These days the bureaucrats say that "all elves should spend at least 100 years in sword school before being allowed to raid." This health and safety culture is killing us.

>>17471678

Look at OPic, now look at the dead elves. Now back to OPic, now back to dead elves.

Sadly, they really are dead elves. Now if you guys got busy thinking about more pressing concerns, you might not be the next dead elves. Maybe.

It might be too late now.

You're all fools! Arrogant cowards that see your fear of being washed away by the other races justifies annihilating them! That that is what GOD wants us to do!

Well, I shall take no more of this! I will go to the their lands, and I shall give them a chance to rise to God's standard! I will bring them His Word, clean of elven bias!

>>17471471
They would weep for you all the more, for They have told me so.

>>17471651
Oh wow, we've lost the trust of the people whose entire history is the history of us betraying them.

I guess easymode's off, boys. Now we actually have to use hotkeys.

>>17471718
>dead elves
No such thing. To die they need to lose. Elves never lose to lesser beings.. Therefore, all those corpses can't be elves.

>>17471788
Oh please. Night elves are the other other dark meat. Raise your hand if you're only here because you think we might vote to kill all the dark elves next!

>>17471813

>>17471792
Clever logic. Warrior logic.
"No warrior has ever fallen in battle! Whoever falls to the blade of the barbarian was no warrior at all, only a frail sheep to be culled!"

>Implying you're more civilized than goblinoids.
>Implying you're prettier than Baus.

God, it's like herding cats. Chetnic cats.

Two weeks later...

>BAAAWWWW, YOU CAN'T SNATCH OUR BABIES AND TRAIN THEM TO BE RANGERS SERGEANT ANDOSONA, BAAAAAAWWW

I'll bet your kid is feeling great about those art classes he had to suffer through now, you milksops. It's fucking go time, PUT ON YOUR WAR FACE.

I, councillor El Van heartily approve of allying ourselves wiht humans. In centuries, they will surely build things that will outshine even the dwarves' technolgy. And we need to control them, simply influence their leaders with our flowery words, or rely on their avarice. Also, good breeding material. Now, if you'll pardon me council members, I must go home to copulate with my wife.

*One of his ears starts slowly falling off as he walks away.*

>>17472847
*should we need to control them

Bah! You'd think I'd have better control over such a simple laguage.

>>17471927
Have you tried rolling a mouse in gibanica?

Sir, we conducted the false ear checks and found that every single person at this meeting was in fact a human, including yourself and myself, sir.

>>17472881
I... No. That would probably work. Fuck.

>>17472915
Liar!

Guards, take away this liar before he blows our cov...

Before he lies some more!

>>17472915
...Wait, I'm here to steer the elves into an unwinnable war. What the fuck are you people here for? Same thing? Are there any actual elves here? No?
If so, who the fuck is hosting the meeting? Were all those servants just disguised humans? I thought those were mine...

But then who are my commando units fighting outside? Did you guys also send disguised commando units? Where are the actual elves?

No seriously, where are the actual elves?

>>17472965
...

Oh shit.

>>17472965
Every fucking time.

>>17472965
I...

That is, uh...

Maybe they're...

Hmm.

>>17472965
>>17472986
>>17472977
ELVES ARE A LIE!
IT WAS ALWAYS A LIIIEEEEE

>>17472915
>>17472943
>>17472965
>>17472977
>>17472986

>>17472965
I was sent here to get them to ally with humans against the goblins.

>>17472965
For that matter, I don't recall ever actually seeing any Goblins or Dwarves that weren't human infiltrators.

>>17473015
I think I saw a dwarf, once!

It was dead though, so maybe that doesn't count.

>>17472965

What? I was mainly trying to get some elven poon tang, and maybe drive them towards Assholia if necessary.

....Shit, okay, which on of you is from Assholia?

>>17473024
wow that is a LOT of hands I see raised...

>>17473024
That would be me. Those floating pieces of paper above my head are actually stink lines.

>>17472965

*best elf voice* me says we's letz tem gooozzz

Okay guys, let's be honest.

The elves got us.

>>17473050
...is he an elf?

>>17473067
Maybe the elves weren't kidding when they said they were all sailing away to some island.

>>17473067

Bu...wuh...BUT THEN WHO OR WHAT WAS I FUCKING ALL THIS TIME?!

Man, I hope she's a half elf at least.

And thus the secret Illuminati conspiracy behind the fake-ear manufacturing businesses were pleased.

>>17473085
I'd be hoping she's really a she, if I were you.

Not only are there no Elves here...

...well. Should we tell the armies to stand down, since the elves pulled another trick on us?

>>17473101

NO! I'M POSTIVE SHE'S A SHE! I'VE BEEN "DOWN THERE" MORE TIMES THAN I CAN COUNT! ...Then again...she does tend to insist on wearing a belt when we do our thing...oh...oh god...I feel so confused right now...

>>17473123
Who have our armies even been fighting all this time fore that matter?

>>17473067
This mission cost my state eight million Drachmas. I am NOT going to be the one to explain that the entire Elvish nation that we've been skirting around for thirty years has been empty land with scarecrows manning the walls.

>>17473138
Well I hired a bunch of mercenary rangers and had them disguise as... oh shit.

>>17473123
They're just fighting themselves at this point, so yeah.

>>17473152
...then let's not tell them that.

Alright everybody, we successfully infiltrated the elven court and caused the entire remaining population to flee to another realm. You clear?

>>17473176
Yeah, we're clear.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! CONGRATULATIONS EVERYBODY! Now someone help me get these damned ears off...

>>17473176
Right, good plan.

Mission Accomplished!

>>17473190
...I can't get my ears off. It's like the glue's permanent! I can't even feel the joins!

>>17473176
Thank God. So, who gets the empty land?

Today, we have won a great victory for democracy over the elves!

>>17473190
Yours come off?! I had mine surgically altered! I've been infiltrating this place for the past 6 years! How have I not noticed this until now?

>>17473108

GOD. FUCKING. DAMMIT! THAT JUST COMPLICATES THINGS EVEN FURTHER! I CAN'T TELL IF SHE'S REALLY A SHE, WEARING A BELT OF GENDER CHANGE, OR A CHANGELING NOW! WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS MIND FUCK!? I ONLY WANTED TO FUCK SOME FINE ELVEN WOMEN!

>>17473152

..Alright, I think I have an idea. We burn the whole thing down. The town, forest, EVERY THING. You get to say the elves were planning an attack on...wherever you're from, and that you had to set torch to this place, and sadly some of your men died in the process. I'm sure the rest of you can explain something similar.

>>17473200

... let's kill him and say he was the elven king.

>>17473213
Yes... let's....

>>17473202
finly, itsa bout tiem we gobbies ge ourz kingdums... ve'll tack te landz

>>17473213
...I only demand a dignified burial.

>ITT: Problem, Infidels?

>>17473222
An excellent proposal, fellow goblin.

>>17473222
... sure, I know the perfect place for you to build the first city. It's a short walk to the west.

I would also like to give you a gift of blankets.

>>17473213

...Wait, no. Let him live. I say we have him "surrender", and sign a peace treaty in front of our various leaders. We're going to need to bling him up to make him look fairly convincing, though.

>>17473202
Uhh...about that. I hired a group of colonists a few years back to settle here and imitate elven peasants. They are quick settled in at the moment.

>>17473222
Excuse me, I need to powder my nose.

>>17473239

They probably got burned down too.

>>17473238
Do I get a say in this?

>>17473211
In theory they do. But... why is this not working? ...waitashit... guys? I think I actually might be some kind of elvish spy or something. I THOUGHT I was human, but then I was an elf, and then I thought I was a human... FUCK, I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE!

I just wanna go home... oh Gods, where's "home"? AW, man! Maybe I should just go grab an ale or something, figure this shit out later.

Now, I'm not saying this whole thing was an elven plot.

But this whole thing was an elven plot.

>>17473234
okies. yous says ther a batter lund to tha wests. We gobs shall marsh their raght nuw.

tanks fer teh blinkts

>>17473249

...You're an actual elf? All the more convincing to lead on that you're king! Alright, everyone find whatever fancy regalia you have, and we'll see what makes him look good!

>>17473247

You're more or less surrounded by humans and possibly some goblins, and a very horny xenophile (in effect, me). What can you possibly say to sway us?

>>17473255

I haven't heard from my contact in Fort Stonecats in a while.

You don't think they...

>>17473262
Why would the elf king pretend to be a human pretending to be an elf? That's completely mental! And that's coming from the guy who can't recall what race he is, so I know mental when I see it!

>>17473273
It's not gay if it's an elf

This thread has now been archived.

I love you guys

>>17473288

We don't tell the peasants that, now shush or we'll make you the sacrificial lamb, Mr Raceconfused

>>17473288
Actually, I've been a normal elf pretending to be the king this entire time.

Remember: Ancient Aliens genetically engineered humanity out of monkeys so we could mine gold for them.

>>17473273
Fuck, there were goblins here? Were they pretending to be elves, humans, or were they pretending to be humans pretending to be elves? Or were the elves pretending to be goblins... FUCK, I'M SO CONFUSED.

>>17473303
Ancient aliens? Oh god I'm so confused right now.

So, let me get this straight.

We humans spent our time, money, and manpower trying to destroy an elven kingdom that was made up entirely by human infiltrators. We Trail of Tears'd the goblins. And the dwarves are MIA.

>>17473320
I think the Dwarves might have just been really short humans towards the end, actually.

Also, some of the goblins look like they're wearing masks, in the right like.

>>17473295

Indee--

>>17473296
Never mind, we found a better canidate! He at least has EXPERIENCE faking he's royalty! As for you, Mr. Confused, at least you don't have to worry about who you were banging all this time.

>>17473338
So what does that make the dragons?

>>17473320
Where ARE the dwarves for that matter? You think they killed eachother?

>>17473309
we wuz jus standen heer mundin aur busnaz.

me guezz tha elfies forgut aboot tha pace tulks fram tres deys ego.

>>17473345
No more elves now. Never were any. No humans. No more humans in all the universe. Never were any. No goblins. No dwarves. No plants. No stars. No hands. I haven't any hands anymore. Never had any. Can't prove it. No ears. Never had any. Can't prove it. No lips. No face. No head. Nothing. Only space. Only the gap. Nothing on top, nothing on the bottom, a lot of empty nothings between...

>>17473351
*meanwhile at a peace conference*

...so are the humans and goblins going to show up or what?

Pardon me sirs, house cleani...

...I'll come back later

>>17473355

...I think he's broken.

>>17473362
>>17473362

Quick, guys! Remember, it's not rape if it's an elf.

>>17473362
Wait, house keeping? Are we even in the right place?

>>17473362
>>17473363
MY ENTIRE LIFE HAS BEEN A LIE!!!!

COFFEE, THOUGH, COFFEE IS NOT A LIE!!! I'LL HAVE ONE PLEASE!!!

>>17473362

Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you one simple question:

... Are you, or are you not, an elf?

>>17473362

The hell? I thought this council chamber was off limits to everyone but us "councilmen". And I'm pretty sure cleaning was supposed be a bit later, after we left.

>>17473320
...Yes. That's exactly what just happened.

It's a little unnerving to be outmaneuvered this entirely. This must be what it feels like to get into a theological debate with Nero Wolfe.

>Well yes but it's clear that the works of Thomas Aquinas are little more than--
>Hold on a moment infidel I'm convicting you of vehicular manslaughter
>What? No! I'm going home!
>You shouldn't drive after drinking so much of Fritz's excellent scotch.

>>17473389
Erm...yes? Excuse me, but wasn't this conference room reserved for elven delegates?

>>17473389
DON'T YOU GET IT!? THERE ARE NO ELVES! THERE NEVER WERE ANY! THERE ISN'T EVEN A YOU! CAN YOU PROVE THERE'S A YOU? I THOUGHT NOT! THERE ISN'T EVEN A ME!

THERE ISN'T EVEN ANY COFFEE! THE COFFEE WAS A LIE! BUT I'LL DRINK SOME ANYWAY BECAUSE IT IS A DELICIOUS LIE!

You know, that one guy arguing against the genocide bit might have been an actual elf.

>>17473406
*cough, and elf voice again* Vat ar u ticking abous veer all elfies

>>17473414
Oh yeah, the guy who leaped out the window. Wonder why he didn't use the door.

>>17473389
Yes. Yes I am. Can't you tell by my beautiful ears?

>>17473389
>are you or are you not an elf?

What rock hard interrogation tactics they teach in the west.

>>17473412
There was coffee. Some really short guys with huge beards brought in a while back.

I say we commit genocide on all of them, and then kill off any elves who don't look like us.

Then we can get high and have practice belly magic.

>>17473429
Well, it doesn't really matter in the long run, seeing as none of us really exist anyway. Why don't we find a nice cafe and discuss your ear-related delusions over a delicious cup of falsehood?

>>17473406
>>17473414

....I get the distinct feeling this a trap to get us to reveal ourselves. Gentlemen, I believe we're even more fucked than we thought, and not in the way I'd like!

>>17473425
...! He probably went to get the real elven army! Damn!

>>17473441
>belly magic.

... what the fuck is that shit?

>>17473458
N'wah.

>>17473406
Gentlemen, it's confirmed. The only elf in this country is in fact the maid. The hot, delicious brown maid in the french maid outfit...

>>17473467

Swit

>>17473473

... and we did agree that breeding the elves and humans together was a good idea ...

>>17473483
And so we have come full circle.

>>17473473
By the right if spoils I claim her for the realm of Haargen!

>>17473473
>>17473483
Now now, gentlemen, remember that everyone here thought that everyone else was an elf. One guy went crazy because he actually thought HE was an elf trying to impersonate a human. Why don't we let the poor lass go. She's clearly confused.

>>17473502

I second this motion. Why don't you go along and run home, dear? It's clearly been a long day for you.

>>17473493
So wait, we are all elves pretending to be humans?

>>17473458
It's a euphemism for gay sex and/or rape.

Vivec's spear is called MUATRA.
Jiub's spear is called LAST NIGHT'S STORM.

>>17473519
I SHALL ENSURE THAT THE NONEXISTENT MAID IS RETURNED TO HER IMAGINARY ABODE!

That, and I should imagine I would rather be going now, if indeed I do exist. Which I am not thoroughly convinced of. There is much of this grand delusion yet to be seen!

>>17473531

>>17473519

Y...yes sirs...
...would you like some tea before I leave for the day?

>>17473531

Apparently, fellow councilman. Though I still think the real elves are trying to get us to reveal ourselves and then kill everyone in this room....:sigh:...damn it, I just wanted to make love to my possibly elven wife!

>>17473531
darmot. I's a gob an I's tierd ofh das shiet. Vear talkng bac dis laund

>>17473547

...Eh, why not? Sure.

>>17473531
No no no no, we are all dwarves pretending to be humans pretending to be elves. The humans are pretending to be goblins pretending to be elves. The goblins are pretending to be humans and dwarves and the elves are pretending to be goblins.

At least, I am.

Now I must ask you all, where in the fuck do the orcs fit in? Or are they just not pretending to be anyone?

>>17473554
Or your possibly wife-ish elf.

>>17473554
Your elven wife is neither elven nor a wife. It is actually an unusually-tall goblin in a dress and rubber mask.

>>17473563
>>17473569

...I will pimp slap the FUCK out of the next person who further confuses the fuck out of who/what my wife is.

>>17473579
Is this her?

>>17473592

THAT'S IT, I--...well, now that I think about it, her hair DOES resemble my wife's...and it certainly would explain why so strong for an elf, and her somewhat crude way of speaking...

I...I'm okay with this.

*sigh* who confused the half-orc again?

>Some days later
>Lord Ellamire of Thrace
>Journal Entry #785
>The Twenty-Third of October
The humans have finally puzzled it out. They discovered today that there were no actual elves left on the council. The gradual withdrawal of our councilors after the spies began to infiltrate our ranks proved to have amusing results. I was almost discovered when my ears refused to "come off", but a quick bluff made it seem as though I had gone mad, and that I could not recall whether I was in fact a spy, a double-agent, a triple-agent, or some other unknown type of agent which rightfully has no name. I thank my father for suggesting those acting lessons so many decades ago. I very nearly fooled myself. Despite that bit of excitement, very little was learned aside from what we already suspected. I fear this little diversion was six years I could have better spent reading poetry or practicing at the sword.

Oh, and somebody forgot to inform the maid of our plans. Very charming young lass, and always very eager to please, but a bit unobservant. She did not realize that over the last six years the council had been slowly replaced by witless humans in prosthetic ears! She is safe now, but none the less confused by the ordeal. Still, her tea is quite good. I think I shall have to increase her salary. Perhaps she would make a good courtesan one of these days.

>>17473710
Remember, the result of this must make Inception look like an episode of Blues Clues.

Well, this thread kind of died. I guess the elves won after all?

Fuck it. I'm too confused.

>>17473894
If there's anything that this thread has shown us conclusively, it's that the fucking elves always win.

>>17473898
Apparently they don't even need to be in the room to win.

>>17473894
Except it turns out the real elves are all Alpha Legion spies.

So Alpharius won.

>>17473706
And that's a wrap, folks. Let's hit the archives.

Oh please, someone archive or screencap this shit stat.

>>17473293
>>17473970
see
>>17473966

To human, goblin, dwarven and elven scum,

From >>17471775

Just as planned.

Hugs and kisses, Eldrad