I saw a few of the previous threads, might as well join in.

I took a couple magic classes in high school, and I think I'll make a career out of it. According to my teacher, I'll need to find a familiar in order to be a proper wizard. I've seen a shocker lizard hanging out in an alleyway near my house, and I've thrown it scraps on the way to school. Do shocker lizards make good familiars? My parents don't make too much money, and I'd rather not make them pay for a familiar-grade animal at a pet store, so I was thinking I could train this lizard and everything would work out better.

>>16799601
Well not all wizards have familiars, but shocker lizards are pretty hard to keep and train as a familiar. They're a bit too independent, especially a wild one like it sounds like you've found. If you're really hurting for a familiar, I guess you could try, but expect to be dissapointed.

>>16799666
That's strange, my teacher made it sound like it was pretty much required. Thanks for the suggestions though, I'm probably still going to try the shocker lizard, but now I know that if I fail it's not that big of a deal, right?

>>16799601
Need a familiar to be a proper wizard? PAH! I teach Magical Theory at the University of Washington, and only about a quarter of the professors in my department have familiars. (That I'm aware of. But I usually notice these things.)

As Dan said (and he seems to have half a brain) shockers don't make the best familiars. Even domesticated ones don't work out the best. However if you're short on funds I can say a few things. Find one that works with you. You should get along with your familiar before you make it one. Don't believe everything you hear about familiars, because I've seen a snail be a surprisingly good familiar.

Your familiar should be an extension of yourself. The most powerful familiar in the world doesn't matter if it couldn't care if you lived or died. While some methods of making a familiar guarantee that it will care, having it care and not piss you off constantly is a good first step. Because a familiar that pisses you the fuck off will only get worse later.

My last piece of sage and jaded wisdom is to not get a tasty familiar. Don't ask.

>>16799797
He probably made it sound mandatory because of the style he teaches. Remember, one man's magic is another man's steaming pile of rancid shit. And another man's pile of shit that smells like fresh tapioca pudding and is made of rainbows and candy canes. And tastes like Altoids.

I might be pushing the analogy a little far.

>>16799819
Mmmm tapioca pudding.
That reminds me, a bunch of Kitsune just opened an all-you-can eat down the street. I need go try that.

>>16799832
Expect lots of fried tofu. Lots of the shit. Even if they show plenty of cleavage it might not be worth choking down how much of that shit they'll talk you into choking down.

>>16799832
Most Asian all you can eat places are closed down in less then a year due to Health Code Violations

>>16799800
Well the animal I get along best with is my grandma's parakeet, but she'd probably not be too happy if I started trying to make it my familiar.

So, I'm doing somethign i'm not proud of today. I'm an electrician, have been for eight years now. but, the market is tough, and I need to work if i want to eat... so I'm applying for special consideration under the minority provisions of my state. As a Kobold, I will qualify for the Size-challenged and the Reptilian special considerations, along with the minority status my people have in a basically goblinoid state, which will make my bid more likely to be picked up.

I'm really not happy. Personally, I've stood by the quality of my work ever since I started as a contractor, but if I don't get this job, I might have to lay off my entire workforce.

I don't want to go to the government begging for a handout, but, you know, I've got kids to feed and men who work for me...

I dunno. Does the forum have any moral support for a Kobold who has just compromised his own morals?

>>16799832
Be sure to make sure it's not just dead leaves and an illusion spell.

As for the familiar business, I wish I could say I could relate, but I've always had mine even before I dabbled into magic (I helped his mother birth him when I was six), but because I ended up training myself more as a monk, he didn't get the life extending benifits.
So I need to get back into magic, can anyone help me figure out where to pick up and how do I get my cat back to full spry ASAP?
He's already going blind and I'm getting scared because he's missing jumps and falling a lot.

>>16799832
Living on the west coast means we get a lot of Japanese mythics around here. My girlfriend took me to one store that was run by this strange umbrella guy, I can't pronounce his species name but damn if he doesn't make the best ramen I've ever had. And the alcohol there is cheap too.

I hate Halloween. I hate it because EVERY YEAR WITHOUT FAIL I manage to insult someone, either by thinking they're in costume, or by wearing a costume that SOMEONE finds offensive.
Fuck it, just giving out candy tonight,

>>16799857
Might I recommend the old wizards staple, the raven, not the be familiar but probably the smartest, and easy enough to find,

>work at coffee shop, we give discounts for bringing your own cup
>Troll comes in with this pus-covered cup
>try to give it a rinse with hot water, the steam causes the smell of the cup to fill the room.
>everyone vomits
>try to give him the drink for free, but he insists on paying, unlike any other troll on the planet
>counts fucking coins. Just hurry the fuck up and get out, dude!
>puts a dead mouse in the tip-cup.
>he finally leaves. I watch him go outside and poop in the cup

What the fuck? Why do we let them roam our streets? Seriously, they need to go back to their country it doesn't make sense to have people who clean the city and these fucks who only want to mess it up.

Uh well i dont really have anything magic related in the sense but i keep on seeing this sort of weird guy in a rabbit costume out of the corner of my eye every so often.

I mean i dont really get whats going on here but at times il notice him in the corner of my eye or the reflection of a mirror, he doesnt seem sinister just tends to stand still looking at me with that weird ass mask and sometimes points.

Ive become to here him whisper some things, just sounds like hes sounding off numbers if im honest.

>>16799865
Have you looked into local wizards needing old towers refitted with electricity?

>>16799874
Your local community college should have magic classes available.

>>16799926
I love Halloween, my dad and I go out and frighten the locals together. You'd not believe how many drunk college students freak out at the sight of vampires smiling happily.

>>16799865
All I can say to you is that you're just doing what you have to.
I mean hell, I'm a monk and I sure as hell am not raking in much of anything and now I'm back in community college trying to get certified for something that'll actually bring home a check.
Don't feel too badly about it, man. Just remember who you are and see if you can't get off the government help once you're steady again. (which is it's purpose anyway, but a lot of other people seem to miss that point)
>>16799890
You're not talking about Kurogasa's in Little Tokyo are you? I've actually been there, and my sensei told me to spar with him. I asked him to hit me full force and I woke up three days later in the hospital. The doctors thought I had been hit by a train. And I felt like I had.
>>16799937
That's some freaky stuff, pal. What numbers does it sound like?

So uh i need some advice i live in this house with this girl and another guy.

But im worried about how to tell them i have off days when it comes to the moon knocking about.

I mean im sure they would understand i mean the guy tends to only go out at night and sleep in early, also wears shades alot in and outside when the suns up, so i guess he could buy that i just dont like fullmoon nights.

The girl on the other hand well shes nice enough even though she tends to wear the same clothes every day and wouldnt hurt a fly but im worried if she would freak out, shes very housebound as she doesnt interact with anyone else besides me and the other guy.

I work late at a nearby hospital so im worried if something kicks off people would get hurt any advice on how to handle my off days?

Trip to the forest lock myself in a cage?

>>16800011
Yeah, that's the one. my girl Julia said the owner's an old family friend, and given that they've been martial artists and fighters for a long time, it makes sense the owner's a good fighter too.

We don't go there too often, it's a three hour drive from here, but when we're in LA we'll stop by.

>Dating a harpy
>she always tears up the bed sheets with her talons
Does anybody know how to fix this? I mean it's getting to the point where I need to replace them weekly.

>>16800030

Well you might try looking around for a sturdy locked room in the basement of the Hospital.

>>16800091
You can probably find some "heavy duty" sheets at certain specialty shops, or you could go to your local bed bath and beyond and ask them to special order some.

>>16800030
It's better to just come clean, roommates and significant others need to know what's up if you go wild.

So guys I know pretty much nothing about snakegirls. Lamia. You know what I'm talking about. I've never really met one and I don't trust half the shit they said when I was still in school.

I met her two days ago and we're going on a date real soon. I'm freaking out a tiny bit because as I've said above i know nothing about lamia and she's fucking awesome so I don't want to fuck this up badly by shoving my foot in my mouth.

>>16800170
Lamia tend to be kindhearted but can be very jealous, so don't give off the impression you'll be unfaithful. Other than that, just be yourself.

>>16799983
Thanks, I'll check out for tutors too. I'm worried the spring semester state budget cuts are going to cut into the magic department at my college.
Practical Necromancy and Evocation 101 got axed this year. And I think the department's starting to see Artificing and Alchemy as redundant subjects.
>>16800030
I recommend going out into the forest. As a monk I can tell you that you cannot literally or metaphorically cage what is part of you.
Be sure to be honest with your housemates, inform your superiors at work as well as local authorities, federal law treats lycanthorpy as a medical condition. You should be fine since Police and park rangers patrol wooded areas on full moon nights to keep stupid teenagers out.
>>16800073
Huh, I think your girlfriend might have been around when I got geta'd (as the people in my dojo have come to call it), ask her if she knows about (as Kurogasa decribed it and as I was best summed back then) "the face-blocker."
>>16800091
My brother is engaged to a harpy (I hate the bitch) but apparently he avoids it by dragging her around the house as they have sex, generally getting her on the kitchen counter top or a table. Looking over their house it seems to work. (But I refuse to eat anything off of that table or countertop, ever)
>>16800170
let's start with hearing what you do know.

>>16799832
I'd give up an arm and a leg (metaphorically) for a Milf Kistune Girlfriend. Dear god, do they ever have all the right curves and their Booties just never end.
>>16800030

Whats your height/weight?
If you have the money you can just buy like a bullet sized nugget of pure silver and wear it on your person during full moons.
It'll itch like hell and burn a little but it'll prevent you from turning.
Also I thought they started immunizing people for were-whatevers back in the 50's.

>>16800091
Put little plastic caps on her talons, you can buy them at pet supply stores.
Don't tell her they're from a pet supply store.

Not sure where to begin but a little while back there was this storm i mean i thought the weather was bad in england but jesus it was awful.

Anyways the group i was with seem to all have abilities even the panty sniffer kid barry,except me so im looking for advice on how can i give myself some powers.

Besides my 10/10 rating im otherwise powerless so tips please.

So I one day, I woke up and heard cursing downstairs.

There were Dwarfs in my basement, and they had come up through my water-main.

Turns out they found some sorts of weird materials down there, dug too greedy etc awakened an ancient god and were trying to flee for their lives.

Luckily, the math teacher across the street was a retired Arch-Mage so it's locked down for the moment.

My Question is whether or not having an Elder-God and a Tunnel into Cursed Dwarven Mines/Underdark is going to hurt the resale value.

I mean, I can't see most people digging it, but maybe it's an evil wizard's dream house?

Thoughts?

>>16800202
Well I asked her and she just started laughing and hasn't stopped yet, so I guess there's your answer.

>>16800204
Let me give you a tip about those fox girls kid. The girls? You screw up once and you will never ever forget it. The guys? Are girls but a little flat up top. You won't tell the difference otherwise until its too late. The ones with multiple tails? Are that much worse than everything that I've mentioned so far. You're better off going with an umbrella tsukumogami. Just me saying that should explain exactly what you'd be getting into.

>>16800202
What I do know... they're pretty coldblooded, so they don't like cold places. They can eat a lot of goddamn food and I have no idea where they keep it all. And that's about the useful information I know. The rest is drilling into my head that while lamia might have snake bodies they're not really different from well, humans. Also a suspiciously specific tirade by a substitute teacher about "some lamia whore who crushed his dog to death".

Don't look at me like that, I come from one of those ass-backward towns.

>>16800258
Get it listed as a "Lair/Dungeon" in the classifieds. Adventurers and evil wizards alike will be clamoring for it.

>>16800258
Depends on the market, if that group of dwarves wants it or perhaps a dark sorcerer they'll jump at the chance. Other than that, probably yes.

>>16800228
Get a successful blowjob from a tsukumogami. No seriously. It works.

Jesus fucking Christ kids these days.

>>16800290

I'm not saying I want to sell it right now, I finally have a place to store All these various Magic knick-Knacks I've been collecting over the years.

Plus an abomination from beyond might make for a cool guard-dog.

Huh, you know, I'm actually pretty close to the mad scientist/evil warlock thing already. Might as well take the next step.

Hey Kobold dude, what sort of rates do you give to Evil lairs, and can you recommend an Interior decorator?

>>16800272
>>16800272

>umbrella tsukumogami

So, you're saying I'd have better luck.. trying to hook up with a possessed umbrella.
Well I SUPPOSE Umbrellas ARE pretty easy, "roll my eyes."


>The guys? Are girls but a little flat up top. You won't tell the difference otherwise until its too late.

My friend you and me have two very different definitions of what is "too late" and what is a convenient and welcome suprise.

>>16800258
If you want the Dwarfs gone it's as simple as calling the police.
Dorfs or no dorfs- it's still illegal to tunnel without a permit and they ARE trespassing.

Be sure to mention the Elderitch abomination to the police before they arrive.

>>16800287
Lamias are generally stretchy enough to eat people, that practice has gone out of most of the modern tribes that still exist as they civilized though. theyre interesting creatures, I've been interested in getting a Mistress who's one. It would be a nice compromise between something strong like a man who could crack me in half and something pretty. Being an ordinary human these days is tough work, Short lived and no special skills. I'm saving up for someone to at least wish me into something long lived like an elf. I know a lot of people don't like that immortality thing but only 100 years is basically bullshit.

>>16800287
Well those first two are true facts, and as the above poster said, they tend to be kindhearted if a bit possessive. Also you'll have to keep reminding yourself not to step on her tail during the date. Lamia tails move quite a bit side-to-side when they're moving, so try to stay even with her when walking and be careful.

>>16800202
It's not even sex I'm talking about, she rolls when she sleeps so he talons will get caught and tear it up.
>>16800125
No clue what material to use, those things are really fucking sharp.
>>16800204
If I said that with a straight face she'd hurt me. Grievously.

>>16800405
They're effectively imbued items that have awakened and not possessed. We have a faculty member that's one of those damn plinkedy plink things. Annoying as fuck. I can't stand his speaking cadence.

Also I wish to congratulate you on your homosexuality. If you're not homosexual and instead bisexual I suggest that you decrease an interest in women immediately for the good of the world.

>>16800406
If immortality is what you want, a pretty little mortal like you could surely catch the eye of a vampire. Hang around the right nightclubs, and you're sure to run into one.

It only hurts for a moment, then eternity is yours.

>>16800406
>>16800427
Don't seem unfaithful, and don't step on her tail. Gotcha. I feel much better now.
>>16800199
Maybe it's because of where I was raised, but if given the chance I'd probably just stay human and live my life as-is. Switching races would be compromising who I am, I think.

>>16800267
Yep, she was there alright. Tell her "the face blocker" says 'hi'.
>>16800272
Also, they are AGGRESSIVE (in all caps). I mean even normally they tend to take a lot of initiative in sex, but when it's mating season, you will NEVER get a chance to get out from under them.
I knew a guy in my college psych course who dated a kitsune girl. Come mating season she was raping him right in the middle of the quad without a care in the world.
Some people said "lucky bastard", the professors and campus security knew better than to try to interfere.
I just tossed him a sandwich to help him keep his energy up.
>>16800287
As mentioned, they're very strong and their bodies are very stretchy, also very affectionate and loyal and tend to expect the same from their lovers.
And remember that the loyalty with come with ups and downs. Remember that if you die, they will NEVER remarry and will continue to remain faithful to you until their own death. (So be ready for a heavy guilt trip in the afterlife)
On the flipside, if she dies first, you will ALWAYS be considered a member of her family, and they will take care of you. Just don't you dare think of remarrying.
>>16800406
Well, it really depends on how you want to slice it.
I was taught to live by this parable: once upon a time, a young monk was eager to finally meet with his master again. But on his way to the temple, a terrible tiger attacked him and chased him to the edge of a cliff. The monk hung by his fingers from the ledge with the Tiger looming over him, one way or another, he was going to die.
Then, he spied a strawberry plant growing within arms reach of the cliff. Just before his fatal fall, he snatched a ripe strawberry and ate it.
It was the best thing he had ever eaten in his life.

>>16800452
Wool blanket at the foot of the bed under the sheets.

>>16800406
Kill a mermaid and eat her flesh. Call me so I can come and high-five you and maybe set you up with an investment plan so you don't have to worry about being poor when you find your skillset limited in a hundred years.

>>16800477
Not sure I'd like to get into that, vampires are one of the few creatures left that still engage in crazy illegal cult shenanigans. I could be killed to make some crazy persons bone chair. as for becoming a vamp instead of a thrall, I'm too much of a pussy to go around nomming people's blood. If i had a choice I'd probably go lichhood and glamour myself all pretty like. but that's getting away from the more immediate problem.

The job market sucks out there, right now. Most places won't take you unless you've got some fancy fucking paper from some hoity toity adventurer's college.

I may just say fuck it and join the Fool's Guild. Does anyone know if street performers make decent money?

How about story time from Auntie Quinn?

First some introductions for those that don't cruise our forums. I'm human. I don't know magic. I don't have any innate powers or special lineage. However, for reasons no one can figure out, I can't be killed. I don't heal faster than normal, but if I die I just wake up whole and healed a short time later.

These days.. well technically I'm a licensed adventurer. For legal purposes. I don't dungeon dive for treasure or put my foot up BBEG ass. Wizards can sit and stew in their towers and plot for as long as they like. I really don't care. I more handle the jobs that even adventurers don't want. Sickos that are just plain violent and dangerous individuals. The kind lawful authorities are given permission to smite on sight yet are too deranged and violent to actually risk men to bring in.

Though most of the time I do odd jobs. Like feeding Mrs Dinkleberg's pet dire alligator, Wally. Got too old to take care of him properly, but no one else will clean his habitat or drag in the dead cow once a month. Threat of life and limb isn't so much an issue for me.

You don't want to hear about that kind of story though.

>>16800505
Hey, I resent that, most vampires are normal if a bit reclusive. We don't go making people into bone chairs for shits and giggles.

>>16800528
Feed him one of your arms and claim temporary disability. Repeat as necessary. Profit.

Does he have a top hat and monocle? If so, I'll actually consider that visit. Might even bring flowers.

>>16800494
>As mentioned, they're very strong and their bodies are very stretchy, also very affectionate and loyal and tend to expect the same from their lovers.
>And remember that the loyalty with come with ups and downs. Remember that if you die, they will NEVER remarry and will continue to remain faithful to you until their own death. (So be ready for a heavy guilt trip in the afterlife)
>On the flipside, if she dies first, you will ALWAYS be considered a member of her family, and they will take care of you. Just don't you dare think of remarrying.
Oh man, this just makes me nervous as shit.

>>16800500
Speaking of mermaids, I started dating one a month ago, but it's kind of awkward since I need to drive down to the beach and see her. Is there anyway we can live together? I've heard of those floating houses, but is it really worth the investment?

>>16800548
Listen to Dan. I don't respond to him often because he's actually educated enough not to need to hear anything that I might have to say and is willing to do his research.

Yes. I just complimented you. That'll be five bucks. You want fries with that?

>>16800563
>but is it really worth the investment?
dude. If you even need to ask that, you don't deserve her.

>>16800563
What do I look like, Dr. Drew? How the hell should I know? Fuck I wish Loveline was still on so people could call in instead of approaching me about their love life.

>>16800549
>Does he have a top hat and monocle?

That could be arranged. Mrs Dinkleberg has a funny way with him.

>>16800589
god damn I loved that.

>>16800472

>People giving advice on how to love up animal people.
>Man critizing my sexuality.

You need to pick and choose your battles a little better.

>>16800494

I'm gonna have to go on the opinion that it is better to have been ridden for 36 hours by the loose, meat curtained, vagina of my kitsune lover then to have never done it at all.

>>16800500
>That same guy is advising someone to eat other people.

Oh for heavens sake.

>>16800528
Got too old to take care of him properly, but no one else will clean his habitat or drag in the dead cow once a month.

I can understand not cleaning his habitat, but couldn't you get some magician off the street to just levitate the Cow into the Gator's pen?

Would save a bit of work and shouldn't cost more then five bucks.

>>16800563
Used yachts are pretty cheap compared to a nice house of similar square footage, and they tend to be pretty well equipped.

>>16800565
I'm touched. And those fries sound pretty good right now, I'm kinda hungry.

((Person who runs the forum, here... for anyone interested, I just added three new forums, one of which is in a whole new category for characters' lives offline.))

So, right, story tiem.
>>16800528

This is the story of Hubert the Horrific. A wizarding college student. Things might have gone better for him had he changed his first name before giving himself a fancy title, and waited to graduate. Hindsight is 50/50, right?

I came to know Hubert the Horrific first when I got a call about some deranged student shooting up his own school. Apparently Hubert wasn't the best mage around. Hubert was not dumb, but he had little talent for the subtle art of spell casting. That's a fancy way of saying he was a blunt jackhole. My kind of guy. Anyway, he was the subject of a lot of ridicule by his classmates, and no small amount of scorn by his professors. Hubert didn't care if he was bad. He was determined to make it through school to become a wizard. Even if only a bad one.

Guys? I've been... kind of searching for a faith that would really reflect my moral beliefs, and I kind of wondered if anyone here had any links to information about various religions.

(Religions that exist IC, of course.)

>>16800621
Nah. I'm plenty entertained as is. Why should I choose any other battle? I just think that more people should be homosexuals. It would save a lot of interbreeding.

>>16800697
((And we love you for it.))

>>16800597
>>16800528

>>16800406

Whatever you do, don't consider becoming a lich. I've been apprenticed to one for the last ten years, and I swear he's the most old fashioned, foul tempered old fart I've ever met.

For Christ's sake, his familiar is a jelly. Seriously. Ever try to clean up after a jelly? I'm not talking goo-girl here, but a real, stinky, honest to god jelly. It's one of his pet experiments.

At least, I hope it is. Either it has learned a few words of English, or I've been this old fucker's apprentice too long.

Anyone looking to hire an ex-apprentice? I'm fluent in Infernal.

>>16800697
((
>They probably aren't all neckbeards attached to their computers, right? ...Right?
>Characters are posting on a fictional /tg/
You crack me up.))

>>16800621
I hear in some communities, the magicians can get pretty stuck up and find such work demeaning. I mean I can't blame them, they've put their life into their craft and then they get asked to do menial labor.
I mean I've trained for the past twelve years as a monk, and I feel a little miffed when people I'm teaching ask me how to do chi blasts just to impress people at parties.
Also, just be certain your body is ready. if not, your kitsune girlfriend will MAKE IT ready. (I spoke to the guy later and his girlfriend used her magic to... permanently modify him in uncomfortable ways... Also resulted in early prostate cancer)
>>16800561
if it makes you feel better, Lamias are also pretty damn disposition to being very kinky in one way or another.
Once you find the kink, it becomes a huge ice breaker and kind of reminds you that they're still not much different from you and me.
>>16800523
Really, don't bother with it. The Adventurer schooling craze is just a fad that's going to bottom out when we run out of a dungeons to raid or they get protected under International Historical Treasure groups.
Adventuring ends up just being a legalized banditry with no real future.

>>16800505
>I'm too much of a pussy to go around nomming people's blood
Oh, everybody says that at first.

Becoming a vampire has a way of changing one's perspective. Feeling the fangs pierce your throat, slowly drifting away into the sweet embrace of death, rising to un-life... and the taste of that first drop of blood; it's like nothing else.

You'd make a lovely vampire, dear.

>>16800698
Well, Hubert had enough, and now he was shooting up his school. Funny thing is, I didn't see any fire ball blast scorch marks when I got there. Saw plenty of bullet holes though! He wasn't even using magic. He was just using guns. Plain guns. Powerful guns, but guns! Cops on the scene even told me they would have just put up an antimagic field around the area and closed in on him if it would have made a difference.

Not that he couldn't use magic.

I could hear his squeaky voice blaring across campus from some kind of voice amplification spell. Making demands. Whining about how wizards are just stuck up assholes. Couldn't believe he wanted to be one of them. All that kind of sorry slop.

I would have actually felt sorry for him if he hadn't already mowed down five of his classmates and his "favorite" professor.

>>16800698
I think I've heard this one. Continue.

>>16800769
I will admit that the feeling of sinking my fangs into my girlfriend's neck (especially during our private time) and the taste of her blood is an experience like no other.

And I don't even need to drink blood to live, I just get a craving for it every so often.

>>16800719 here.
anybody?

I remember seeing someone post once about going out with some girl who turned out to have a bunch of Slivers. What ever happened to him? Did he ever come back?

>>16800847
Sorry, not much one for religions here. Hard to be when half of them turn you away at the door and say that your dad is an abomination that needs to be destroyed, right to your face.

>>16800719
>>16800847
What would you say are your moral beliefs? Can we really tell you these things when even if you told us, there is so much we do not know about you?
(Yeah, as a warning, I'm a monk, you're not really going to get straight answers out of my on philosophical matters)

>>16800719
And I've already explained why I've been banned from the Theology Department before. Twice. I say, start knocking on the doors of churches, temples and what have you until you find somebody who you don't find to be pig fucking disgusting.

If need be we have a Catholic kid running around. We could always use more help trying to make him less naive. Not because he's Catholic. Because he's naive as fuck.

I think I'll send him some orc on elf porn or something.

>>16800871
And the other half are pissy because he DOESN'T live up to the stereotype, right?
>>16800901
Well, I don't have a coherent philosophy so much as just, some virtues I hold in high regard...
Courage, Justice, Mercy, Honesty, Respect, Freedom, Loyalty

>>16800810
Problem was he had some high powered guns he'd gotten somehow, but he also was a wizard. He'd managed to hastily rig up some bastardized cross between a magical trap and the brutal effectiveness of something mundane like a log drop. I was so impressed I almost got my head crushed admiring one. Desks, with all sorts of shrapnel driven through them, rigged to be flung through the air at you when you enter the area. The rig was mechanical, but the detection and release mechanisms were some kind of simple spells he set up.

If it had just been the high powered ammo, I might not have been called. The cops aren't adventurers. They don't do traps, but this was short notice on some no name idiot. Getting adventurers wasn't an option. No fame. No notice. Not going to work.

I don't really know magic either. So I disabled the traps the only way I knew how.

I ran through them.

>>16800942
Oh! And humility and honor.

Lutheran Cleric here.
Me and my other cleric pals had a gas today nailing the 95 Theses on random churches.

I love Reformation Day.

Holy shit you vampires are creepy as shit, always talking about how much you love blood and your crazy fucking cult orgies or whatever.

I'm so glad our state finally got our Templar Administration offices up. I've always kind of felt like I wanted to serve some higher calling and protect people from predators like you, and I've heard the training courses are super-rewarding if you can last through them. I think I'll head down to the building downtown tomorrow and apply.

I can't wait to start chucking those new holy water grenades at you creepy motherfuckers.

Also I am fucking sick of how you try to talk to formally all the time just to make you feel superior to everyone else.

Hello all. I come to you all today with a dilemma. Oh, forgive me, I'm getting ahead of myself. My name is Jonathan Bones, actually it used to be Jonathan Hooper, but Bones is a better conversation starter, you see I'm a skeleton.

Now for my problem. It may not be an issue for those alive, but for us undead or unliving as my pal Jake likes to go by. Jakes a zombie by the way, but im getting off topic. You see those known as paladins and clerics seem to see fit to 'smite' or 'turn' us without consideration for who we are. Now I've been around a few hundred years and though its not as bad as it used to be it still goes on. Now not all of us are as they say 'evil', some of us just want to live out our magically induce or sometimes cursed everlasting life.

I ask, what is the best coarse of action to take? Talking to them, fighting back, or maybe an undead help group, what do you think?

>>16800942
>>16800966
It sounds like what you need is not faith but to find guidance. I know an elderly, wandering Samurai, if you're interested.
He is more hoping to teach the spirit and code of the Samurai than the fighting, but he is still young enough to teach the fighting aspect as well if you so seek.
He also sounds a lot like George Takei.

>>16800719
Clownism is pretty fun, but more states don't even recognize it as a religion

>>16800988
You could always return to dust like you were supposed to.

>>16800988
Unfortunately, there are still a lot of paladins and clerics like that. I'd recommend getting in touch with a more forward-thinking order of paladins and getting them to speak on your behalf.
>>16801009
I would love that... though, I've been feeling called to be a Paladin. I'm just not sure who's calling. And I'm not sure how to break it to my family. I'm half drow, half human, see... my dad would take it fine. My mom would think it was a phase. My maternal grandparents, who both worship fucking Lolth, would flip their old-ass shit.

>>16801024
>He's dead, Jim.

>>16801046
>Lolth
You're shitting me.

>>16801066
I fucking wish. I visited them once in the Underdark, when I was a little girl. They tried to baptize me in elf blood or some shit. I don't really talk to them anymore, but if I joined an order of paladins, they'd probably literally try to kill me.

>>16800988
What you gents need to do is research their customs a bit. These guys are strict about following the moral codes set forth by their leaders, so sometimes you can get them to stop in their tracks by bowing to them or greeting them with a "The blessings of Pelor be upon you, fair sirs!" and they'll have to stop and bow back or give you a "And also to you!"

might allow you a few extra moments to explain that you aren't a malicious undead type.

>>16800948
Later on the faculty would be pissed. I'm not sure exactly how many valuable magic bobs, bits, and experiments got smashed by desks looking for my blood. I'm guessing somewhere between many and a lot.

Not that the faculty could have done better. The magic was acting as the release pin. If you just disenchanted them they'd release. Ingenious little shit. I bet he was counting on them coming in and trying to do just that. Too bad for him I am neither a wizard nor overly concerned for my well being. I'm also faster and more athletic than any target he had prepared for.

A little desk dodge ball later and I'm trying to reason with him. Telling him sweet little lies like everyone could be resurrected and just forget this whole thing happened. He didn't want forgiveness. Nor did he want to be a wizard.

That's when I feel a bullet wizz through the wall and my shoulder. Lucky shot, but I got the message. So this is where I start exchanging fire with him with my colt rune revolver. Except he's using one of the stations used for experiments for cover. Nice and reinforced. Should have actually bought a regular gun, I guess.

>>16801046
Who gives a shit, after that major group of drow split for the surface to get away from lolths influence, opportunities for Drow opened up. They aren't exactly good. One of the few places serfdom is still legal, but I'm sure you could find some like minded people from there who champion that sort of thing.

>>16801104
You don't understand... my grandmother is a high priestess of Lolth. She'll be bound by her oath to make me a sacrifice lest I do some harm to her precious fucking spider bitch queen. This will literally end in attempts on my life.

>>16801078
>elf blood
They're still doing that?!

>>16800988
You might want to consider a local funeral home.

Seriously! They get all sorts--hungry ghosts, zombies, skeletons, vampires, wraiths, and ghouls. Usually there's a placement councilor who deals with the restless dead.

Whatever you do, check the phone book or the web before you go visiting, though. Make sure you avoid ones with Raven-like names, too. They're not undead-friendly.

>>16800988
As mentioned, finding some more forward thinking clerics and paladins might help, also the help group should be able to give you some support and contact links to speak with said clerics and paladins.
If all else fails, appeal to federal laws about your citizenship.
A friend of mine knows this one lich who was around during the signing of the Declaration of Independence, so he's considered 100% citizen of the country and when a paladin tried to a attack him when he wasn't doing anything, the paladin fell, then and there.
>>16801046
Ah, so what you're hoping to find is a religion to become a champion for! Why didn't you just say so? Based on what I can assess, perhaps you should become a Paladin to the Shinto gods.
As for your family, since you don't keep in contact with them, simply do not tell them. You could even were the samurai face mask with your armor and make it almost a superhero persona!
I did that when I was getting really good as a monk... Then the police used one scry spell and that was the end of that.
>>16800984
You, sir, are a discredit to the advancement of all sapient races.

Ah, All Hallows Eve. A holiday both vile and interesting at the same time. Of course, the trick is to shoot the real monsters instead of those in costume...but I'm getting better at it.

>>16801172
But a lot of the "real monsters" are pretty nice people. How do you tell?

>>16801122
what part of nation of surface drow in open rebellion against the under-dark don't you get? they want to kill all of them. thanks to their organization and the dangers of the underdark and relative safety of the surface, That country is essentially untouchable in a one on one war with the underdark drow, and given how fucking self important the underdark faction is, theyre not going to make many friends. If you really want to be a paladin just move there. Most of the society is lawful neutral to evil but as long as you don't respond with burnmaimkill to anyone who does something 'bad' you should be fine.

I hate my high school.
We have some young sorcerers and wizards who keep harassing the girls with mage hand-making skirts flip, prodding with pens, etc.

I've tried talking with the principal and superintendent, but I can't get them to allow me to place restrictive spells because of my fellow teachers' personal enchantments. Apparently, Suzanne's illusioned ass is more important than the peace of my students in my classroom. And I can only use dispel so many times in a school day...

What should I do?

>>16801180

It's fairly simple. You see a vampire or other ghoulish thing swoop in to devour a child, you blow it away. Some think they can walk free at night using the holiday as cover for their foul deeds. I am here to ensure they do not get away with it. Often the body count is so massive that working security on Halloween is one of my favorite times of year.

>>16801189
Sexual harassment, if it persists, is a legal issue. Call the fucking cops. They can't fire you for it, either, or you can go to the presses with the whole, "they wanted me to let YOUR daughters get molested!" thing.

>>16801189
Enchantment that detects those spells and unleashes some curse on the caster for retribution.

>>16801189
Call the press, they'll eat that shit up.

>>16801206
So, why are you on the Internet right now instead of out fighting evil?

>>16801094
Then I notice something he must have been working on before I tried to blow his fool head off. Er, I mean, given him a warning shot when I came in the room.

It's a bomb. A nice big one too. A chemical bomb of some make with runes all over it. I'm not quite sure what he was trying to do. No one was able to find enough left of it after it exploded to figure it out.

Cause I shot it.

Don't worry, I gave him an ultimatum. He seemed to be under the impression I wouldn't blow us both up just to get rid of him. I took that as a bit of an insult to my person and assured him I was quite serious. By blowing us both up.

Hey! I actually lived! I know, I was shocked too as I lay bleeding from what was left of my right leg on the floor. Of all the stupid bull. It was supposed to kill us both. Not miraculously pass me by except for one accurate piece of shrapnel. Shore the leg right off and couldn't find it. The place was absolutely wrecked. It technically counted as OUTSIDE now rather than inside.

I probably should have just lay there and bled out to get a nice clean rebirth and new leg, but I don't know. Something possessed me to doctor myself and get the cops to take me to a hospital. I still have one leg for the time being. I'm thinking of just springing for a fix at the local temple next time I need the leg for a job. I only get myself killed incidentally. Not on purpose to fix myself. That would be sick.

Anyway, Hubert is dead. The students were successfully resurrected. The professor he killed couldn't be raised. Some magic was used to get in touch with him in the afterlife to see if something happened, and the guy told the school it could fuck itself. Kind of rude, but understandable when you're interrupted while literally balls deep in a celestial harlot.

>>16801225
he could be on his iPhone.
That samurai I mentioned keeps one since he travels so much and feels a regular laptop is too heavy.

>>16801094
Just to clarify: The kind of experiment station she's describing wasn't one of the "for home use" variety. It's not anti-magic. It's neutral-magic. Close to non-reactive. A stabilized silver core, wrapped in silk, placed in a reinforced granite box that's filled with argon before it's sealed, then magically reinforced in such a way that it has near-zero mystical resonance and the station built around that. The amount of punishment those things can take are the stuff of legends amongst the more accident-prone students. Damage resistant, explosion resistant, alchemy resistant and spiritually resistant. I've seen those survive accidents that destroyed the rest of the lab and two walls. Of course, one of the walls was taken out by a station going through it but that's besides the point.

I said I was familiar.

>>16801189

I have a Cube of Mischievous Opposition on Ebay. The old fart won't let me keep it, so I had to put it up for sale. It turns cantrips and low complexity spells against their caster in a 20 foot radius.

Hide it in the classroom, and they'll learn their lesson.

being a lycantrope is suffering

>>16801225

I'm taking a break. Just finished mopping up a pack of werewolves who thought they'd blend in a local supermarket, play a little game of how many kills they could get off before their prey escaped.

I won.

Guys, tomorrow the Psionic League is celebrating it's 30th anniversary. Any fellow Psions here?

>>16800984
I go make a quick lunch for my human girlfriend and I come back to this hate speech? I thought /tg/ was better than this. We're normal people who just want to live our lives in peace, unlike you fuckers. I had four "vampire hunters" break into our castle the other day, wreck the place, and force my dad into hiding for several days. I almost had my life ruined by you assholes.

>>16800988
I feel your pain. An undead support group is a good thing to look into, and try reading up on the local laws about undead. Some places restrict how much the local church can harass you.

>>16801237
Hope you guys enjoyed that.

I certainly did.

>>16801219
>>16801254
I'm liking this idea.

Maybe I can rig it to do something about that one creepy kid's golems too. Seeing him walk around with 20+paper golems is disturbing...

So guys, I'm a Lich who works at a local Mage highschool. Problem is, parents send their little angels in here just to brag and some of them have little to no magic ability. Even worse, the ones that are actually competent use powers for mischief. I saw one burning library tomes! So I was wondering, is it legal to give the underachievers some...incentive?

Oh I was watchin' the news the other day and they were talkin' about this thing called a 'locate city nuke!' I'll tell yah, the worlds scary these days. Anyone with a level 1 spell and a bit ah metamagiwhatsit can level a whole city!

I'm gonna write my congressman, someones got to do somethin' about all these mages with their flowin' robes and funny hats and what not! Why, back in my day if yah were a mage or sorcery usin' type yah didn't go blowin' up cities. Yah helped grow the corn or till the fields, yah did!

This is just what happens when you start lettin' minorities use magic I 'spose. Damn goblins an' what have yah, ruinin' it fer the rest of us.

>>16801281
Now, please don't go about harming the golems. They may have feelings too. However I am all for breaking his control of the golems.

>>16801260

>>16801260 here
is there any cure for this
this shit sucks
i can't hang with my bros anymore

>>16801343

Find friends that aren't psychopaths.

>>16801310
Depends on the incentive. You could always reward them with candy, but what were YOU thinking of giving them?

>>16801280
it was a fine tale, good sir.
Thank you.
>>16801261
Oh, my Aikido sensei is a psion, my old fencing instructor as well (Soulblade specifically, I wanted SO BAD to learn how to make swords with my mind but it never worked out), they sometimes go into the nearby mountains and basically play a psionic radio version of Marco Polo. They've managed to contact a mind as far as the Virgin Islands.
>>16801263
Don't let his hate get to you, my friend. Take a few cleansing breaths and enjoy some of your favorite tea. It always perks me up.
>>16801259
Suffering has a cause, the cause of suffering is desire. Once you tame your desire as a lycan, you will be able to fully embrace your animal and human aspects as one.

>>16801350
and the cure
i want to get the fuck away from this shit
seriously,transforming is not fun

>>16801341
I think I'll do that one day. Maybe then he won't make five of them per class.

On a side note, I'm glad I don't teach alchemy. Most of the kids make stink bombs in their spare time.

>>16801322
Actually, most offensive magic has been developed in a fairly rounded out way.
But the biggest spike was back during the Cold War. Nuclear and Magical Arms races were horrifying, my mom knew a mind flayer who actually went insane from the psionic tension he had been feeling back then.

>>16801365

I'm afraid actually curing lycanthropes is beyond my knowledge...perhaps someone here could advise you.

>>16801250
Figured it was something like that. I still favor the rune revolver despite magic being finicky like that sometimes. The wide variety of effects I can get are just too handy.

I got myself a shotgun derringer though. Just for stupid bullshit like that. Can't wait for an excuse to use it.

>>16801386
I remember when those physicists decided to enclose the reaction in a force cage for a few seconds before releasing the nuclear explosion, the literally wiped out the entire island it was tested on.

>>16801386
Are you talking about Uncle Yul'thix?

>>16801365
If you haven't been forced by a full moon to transform, then tea made from wolfsbane (which will make you puke like mad) will do it. If not, you'll need help from a high ranking cleric.

>>16801353
>Sir

I take offense to that.

I'm 100% refined lady. I can still call myself refined and be a total slob, right? I might look kinda like a guy, but I assure you I have all the proper bits below to please. Don't mind the build and the flat chest.

>>16801450
>boyish woman
hot.

>>16801428
I think that might have been his name, but my mom's pronunciation is awful sometimes.
>>16801417
I remember doing a history report on that back in high school, the whole thing made me feel so pale.
Magic and science are gifts to intelligent minds and look at some of the things we've done with it.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to get political, I was just kind of raise in a family that often felt that if governments spent half as much on the medical magic and sciences departments as they did for war, we'd have cures for AIDS, HIV, Cancer, and countless other maladies.

>>16801322
Locate City Nuke is only theory. Don't believe everything you hear in the news. The laws of magic are unclear. It sounds like it should work, but any attempts to execute it in a test end with the user imploding.

>>16801487
I heard that the last person who tried to do it, tried it on a manmade island, and a giant blue hand came down out of the clouds and just... crushed him where he stood.

>>16801481
Yeah. Yul'thix was always a nervous guy I heard, but after the war he'll break down into tears whenever you get angry around him.

>>16801386

>my mom knew a mind flayer

Well I'll be hornswaggled! We don't get many ah those types 'round these parts. Just dwarves, elves a few haflings and of course us humans.

You know, regular folk.

>>16801508
Are drow "regular folk?"

>>16801450
My apologies, miss. My computer isn't equipped with "scry gender" drivers. I always felt they were an invasion of privacy.
Though I am thinking of of buying the support to write out "orgasmic rune" as kind of a fun prank to pull on my girlfriend. Anyone have any experience with this software?
>>16801499
I thought it was a foot and there was a loud, farting noise.

Hey, anyone remember the portable hole/ bag of holding bomb? That stuff was nasty.

>>16801521
Drow are kind of a minority around here. We only had two at my school, and they ended up dating each other for a while just because it's was expected of them. It was pretty sad.

>>16801539
Poor kids.

>>16801531
Aye, but it didn't last long in use after they started giving our troops Astral Survival Kits(ASK).

>>16801411
You did good work. I've gone over some of the data on the bomb and you did good by shooting it. I've spent plenty of time doing calculations on what data I was given and you made the right decision. Grenades would have worked too.

Funny that I'm talking to you now. I would have preferred to ask questions on the subject three months ago but it's a moot point now.

>>16801469

Maybe not when you hear why I'm this way.

First year of high school. My hormone production goes haywire from a genetic fault. I still produce correct amounts of estrogen, but I produce too much testosterone as well. Still interested?

You know, after getting turned into something akin to an intelligent Bathtub of Jello. I've been meeting a lot more other "non-normal" folks. My town is small, and mostly human, but since this accident, I've been travelling around at night a lot more, and have met some very interesting folks.

>>16801563
Remember, there is always room for jello.

>>16801560
If you're as cool of a person as you sound like, yes. Though I just happen to find androgyny somewhat attractive.

I'm also a half-drow woman and mentioned earlier in this thread that I plan on becoming a paladin, sooo... there's that.

>>16801590
>lesbian half-drow paladin
We'll sooner have a Baalor President.

>>16801508
I live in California and my mom travelled a lot as a kid. Hell, one of my classmates right now is actually a super intelligent (Well, relatively speaking) shade of blue. They attend class via the window seat and being projected in via a prism, specially constructed through magic and alchemy.
They have a hard time fitting in sometimes though, namely holding the pencil.

Also, my cat is taking classes with me, but I don't let anyone give him shit. Monk vows or not, you mess with my cat and I will punch a hole in you through several vital organs.

>>16801560

Must you REALLY share this information?

Alright lemme vent for a minuet here.

I don't mind the office jokes. A Devil getting a job in law sorta got em coming. And to be honest, some of them crack me up. Couple weeks into the job it was someone's birthday. When some drunken cubicle monkey offered to trade his soul for the last slice of cake i nearly spit out a mouthful myself.

I don't mind people calling me a demon... much. Alright that's kinda the line. There's a fucking difference. In that i'm smarter, quicker, smarter, and overall better looking. Also smarter.

But here's the kicker. I have no fucking idea what we even DO here. I swear i can't make this up. I'm the leading legal consultant in the fucking place, get payed enough to buy a new ferrari every goddamn week, and all i've ever actually DONE was scowl on cue.

Today for example. Perfect show of what i'm actually here for. Some big dick waving contest between us and some rival company. Now it's my job to show up to each and every goddamn one of these meetings (yes i'm including the international ones). Today the brain dead jackass that runs this place calls me in before the meeting. "Great" i think. "I might actually get to take these assholes to town this time, instead of gritting my teeth while our guys make complete chimps out of themselves and being told to keep quiet". What does this guy say?

"Same as always, chief. Just sit there and look scary. It's why we give you the big bucks." He then proceeded to pat my cheek and send me out with my tail between my legs.

I swear i almost put him through a window. Getting a Devil in legal is a massive goddamned pedestal to show up with, i get that. But if you specifically tell me NOT to do anything, then openly confess that my entire job is to just sit there and look scary at your fucking pissing contests, i might actually wind up setting the photocopier on fire.

That is all.

>>16801618
>bothered by this
>not bothered by a female half-drow wannabe paladin hitting on her
really?

>>16801604
>balor president
We're already living the dream, man.

>>16801618
That's her entertainment factor! Next she'll be describing toenail removal sans anesthesia in graphic detail. Why? Because she's classy. Pull up a chair and have a drink. Enjoy her charm.

>>16801604
Well the Democrats are thinking of Nominating congressman Ury'thal if Obama doesn't get reelected.
Though I don't support the guy's stance on gun control, so I'll probably be voting republican that election.

>>16801581

Not like I haven't heard that a thousand times already. People also always liken me to that slime-stuff from Ghostbusters 2. Also turns out I taste like pork and Dirt. I once I got eaten by the youngest of the local dragon family. Also turns out I'm immune to lightning. wasn't a fun way to figure that out though

>>16801524
Never had much use for that kind of thing in my work. I prefer the subtly brutal and horribly painful approach in my work. You'd be surprised what kind of people you can bring down just with straightforward brutality. No one expects the person standing behind them at McDonalds to just yank their burger tray away from them and start beating the shit out of them with it. The fighting man types are too used to being able to fight on their terms. Casters are too stunned and bleeding to cast.

I always love a prank though. Go for it.

>>16801559
Any idea what he was trying to do to it? Whatever it was, I doubt he was good enough to pull it off. Otherwise I think he might have went ahead and done it.

I can only guess he was trying to get a bigger boom or teleporting it somewhere important.

>>16801433
great,now i need to find a cleric
thank god there is one near here

let's hope they don't find me again

>>16801629

They're not mutually exclusive, I dislike that as well. At least it's better than going on about your hormones. Though it's not her fault someone doesn't know when not to pry.

>>16801653
Are you, perchance, a -Catholic- paladin?

>>16801643
Can I elaborate on the gruesome details on eating my host's brain and altering his biochemical makeup?

>>16801666
GO. FOR. IT.

>>16801664

You keep insisting I am a paladin when I repeatedly tell you I am not. Are you, perchance, unable to read when it doesn't suit you?

>>16801680
That was the first time I addressed you. I think you must've had the conversation with someone else. I just remembered you saying you killed monsters and such. Sorry for assuming. But are you Catholic?

Sup guys, so I just came back from base, had a long hard day. I have to say, Lamia chiefs are horrible, always sleeping in the reactor room, "Yes I know its 120F" but some of us need to work on the pumps!

I find it funny, there are a lot of good demi people in the M reactor field, but they have quirks, should I tell stories?

>>16801648
From what I can gather there were fifteen possibilities. My favorite is that he was going to use the souls of those he killed as fuel. Mystical backlash, send the local energies into a mass disruption severely affecting all those who were sensitive. In other words he was trying to kill, maim or otherwise harm a lot of people in a wide radius. If he couldn't be somebody powerful...

That said it wouldn't have worked the way he hoped. The theory has been around for almost a century and nobody has come close to actually getting it to work. Instead it would have caused a localized weakening of the planar boundaries if he had finished it and activated it "properly." It takes years to fix that properly. Just ask New Jersy.

>>16801646
Don't worry too much about the jokes. I'm a golem made from Sandstone, there isn't a sand, rock, stone, or Rocky Balboa pun or joke I haven't heard.

>>16801725
What about rockabilly jokes?

>>16801701

You are forgiven. And no, I am not Catholic. I work for hire eliminating hostile supernaturals.

>>16801711
Yes please. Tell me of your naval escapades.

So guys, I got a bit of a problem. Been a commoner for a while, had deistic beliefs (don't see why we should believe any God exists over the other. Basically agnostic fag without doubt that a higher power exists) and recently found I could cast orisons.

Am I an Ur-Priest? Am I actually a Cleric of Deism? Could I be a druid? Requesting help on figuring it out.

>>16801590
>I'm also a half-drow woman and mentioned earlier in this thread that I plan on becoming a paladin, sooo... there's that.

Oh ho..

Now that's what I like to hear. A lusty dark lady interested in my peculiar qualities. I'm sure the androgyny will be just as attractive when I'm not feeling like keeping up with my feminine duties. That's when the sideburns start to grow in. That's always a bit embarrassing when those begin to show up.

Among other problems.

>>16801250
THATS OPSEC as hell, what the hell, a M-Neutral reaction! I thought those were kept at work, ugh I hate that any

>>16801743
Well, there was the time we encountered what we THINK is a Elder one, or some massive squid being. One deep dive, we noticed that half our drow and a bunch of the squids were all going nuts, then the half X, and finally I started to go, before the Mageman and the Magic Officer orders "Full Speed," and "All Torpedos deployed." We make it out, and on the surface is a dead massive monster. They made us go to therapy for weeks, not fun.

Oddly enough, Lamia love the job, apparently its warm, but its annoying when we have to hotrack, having some 12 foot girl hug you to sleep because we have no spare racks is nice for a bit like those comics, but it breaks the ribs a lot!

>>16801725

True, everybody gets used to it. Also, have you ever met any other intelligent slimes? I've been to at least 6 different doctors, and a dozen mages. Heck, I've even been to a few "elder god" cult meetings, met a Shoggoth once. And none of them have ever seen anything like me. Also, it turns out I can innately speak with "Elder evils," also, that Shoggoth was annoying as hell. So I was wondering if you ever met any other Intelligent slimes.

>>16801756
I'm sure she'd be willing to look past any other problems.
though if you don't mind me prying, what problems do you mean?

>>16801756
I'm sure you look great regardless of how your hair looks. Plus, you have the added advantage of being a total badass. And you know you're curious.

>go find a cleric
>have to backtrack because i probably found the people who attacked me
Fucking great.
What i do, i am sure that i can't control this shit

>>16801817
Google your town name plus "curse removal." See if any of the local orders do house calls.

Hey guys, I've been taking a couple classes at the local church you know, the normal stuff, God is good, God is just, Forgive the remorseful, smite the unrepentant, all that jazz.
Problem is, I met this girl, she's wonderful, intelligent, funny, beautiful as all hell
but evil.
not really malicious though, shes not one of them types that chops up a random bloke on the street for the heck of it, She's more mischievous, sticking small electronics in women's purses so that they set off the alarm as they leave the store, spiking the punch at an AA party, that kinda thing.
She doesn't see whats wrong with her actions, she's not gonna stop anytime soon, but i want to help her.

So TLDR, is there any way I, as a paladin, could help a mostly harmless villain without taking matters into the CLEAVE AND SMITE! direction? also if I could not get the authorities involved it would be nice.

>>16801840

You know, I DO work freelance.

>>16801840
That's not evil, really. Just mischievous. I'd say you don't have to aggressively stop her or anything. Just try to work with her on empathy and understanding how other people feel.

>>16801829
But i think the fuckers are watching me or something
i am sure that i can't risk anybody get killed because of my burden

shit sucks man,is there some people who can take care of this shit?

>>16801653
I actually don't mind.

It is rather frustrating not to be an object of physical desire. I get why, but doesn't mean I have to enjoy it. Having someone show interest in something other than the particulars of how I keep coming back to life is nice.

I could use a lady friend.

>>16801723
Man, that kind of thing is possible? Guess it's good I did shoot it then, and I think I'll go head and get the leg fixed in honor of Hubert the Horrific's testicular fortitude.

>>16801802
Mostly involved with the imbalance. Sure you want to know?

I've never met a paladin IRL. Is it true that they still use old-school weapons (swords, bow and arrow, etc.) because it's their deities' "favored weapons" and the weapons are magically enhanced by that or something?

>>16801840
of course there is.
Believe it or not, the options may be sexier than you may think.
But you can't be afraid to let her indulge in her mischief once in a while, the trick will be to convince her to choose her targets (as in selecting ones that can take it) and that some jokes are even better when the 'victim' can laugh with you.
And if all else fails, there's a book I read once for paladins about converting sinners through sex.

>>16801872
Yes, I am the kind of person who will click on a guro image just out of curiosity. nothing you say can be worse than that.
>>16801874
depends on if the deity's modernized. I know gods of war basically accept anything as a favored weapon.
For some reason, Mars is apparently still fond of Thompson smgs though.

>>16801874
Some are enchanted and quite capable of cutting through supernaturals. I have an enchanted knife for close-quarters combat.

>>16801789
What do you know of that event a decade or so ago where an underwater laboratory was infected by some strange mutagenic virus that transformed the inhabitants into monsters? Apparently there was one survivor but I would like to know if any other section of the navy knew more about it.

>>16801799
I have met an intelligent slime before. Didn't look like jello though. I would best describe her looking like a combination of fuzzy mushrooms with some congealed blood. Not sure if she still alive, that meeting was about twelve hundred years ago.

>>16801874
depends on the order really, though in order to channel the fury of the gods effectively you need to get in close.
at the very least the more modern ones will go over simple hand to hand as self defense, the older ones will gear you up and beat the old way into you.
still got bruises from the interfaith sparring tourney, some big dude from St. Abbey's pounded me pretty good.

Alright, I need to make sure I'm not going crazy or something.

There's this "shortcut" I take walking on the way to class. "Shortcut" is in quotation marks because it actually adds about ten minutes to my trip, the path is out of the way and the scenery is nice, so that's why I take it.

About half way through, there's this little group of trees. That isn't really unusual in itself -- the University is overly concerned about "campus green space" for whatever reason, so there are spots like this all over the place -- but this grove in particular just seems... off.

Not in a bad way, mind, just weird stuff with no explanation. The sound of branches rubbing together and rustling leaves in the middle of a doldrums. Sometimes it's the opposite. Once, I got caught there in the middle of a bad thunderstorm, (No, I mean REALLY bad. One of the pillars of the central fountain toppled over in the wind.) but sitting in that one spot, it felt almost calm -- like the storm was out on the horizon instead of right on top of you. (Also, in retrospect, hiding under a tree during a storm is probably the STUPIDEST thing I could have done.) That, and there's this constant smell of cinnamon that comes from nowhere.

But today, I swear to the various gods I heard GIGGLING there. So I'm thinking all this has gotta be the work of some dryad or tree spirits or something. It's either that, or I'm being stalked by teenage girls (which is a disturbing possibility in its own right).

So, does anyone know anything about this sort of thing?

>>16801626
That sucks man, maybe you could talk to the Monster Relation guys, talk about being pidgeonholed because of your race?

>>16801939
I'm thinking a dryad has a crush on you.

>>16801872
And yet you showed an interest in me when I showed an interest in running tests on you. Of course I will admit a certain amount of curiosity in other things. Especially Wally.

And the explosion? It's possible in theory. In theory communism works as it's supposed to. With orcs. In theory. The reality of the situation is that if it is possible I expect to be dancing on a lot of graves. I might actually start drinking alcohol for a change to celebrate. I might try a lot of things I otherwise haven't.

Or I'll be dead. Whichever.

>>16801932
I hear some paladins can channel with ranged weapons though, their's a paladin in japan I hear who's ranged divine might is absurd. Supposedly she has her own patron deity or something.

>>16801939
Fucking Dryads. They keep fucking with you if you use technology. Bought my laptop to the local wildlife preserve and I was pelted with fruit.

>>16801990
> Bought my laptop to the local wildlife preserve

...

Who does that?

>>16801939
>I'm being stalked by teenage girls (which is a disturbing possibility in its own right).
Man, I hate when this happens. It sounds great at first, until you're in a stable long-term relationship and they're still following you around and making comments on how you and your best bro would look so sexy together and man do I hate yaoi fangirls.

>>16802023
Friend badgered me into going there when I just wanted to play video games.

>>16801990

This is true. I once used my IPhone in a dryad preserve and the dryad rained down a storm of pinecones upon me. Then I shot her in the leg and she remained peaceful for the rest of the time I was there.

>>16801927

Huh, well, that sounds more like the thing that I found in the back of my grandmother's fridge. It was almost intelligent. I remember that, it actually screamed as it fizzled in me. But that's a bummer, I've been researching a lot of slimes lately, and most don't live that long. Hell a lot barely live as long as a human. Also, I found out my grandmother's house is a construct, she name I can't pronounce. But she was once a disguised temple for some weird cult. Besides her, you are the only other construct I've ever had te fortune of talking to.

by the way, Roland, or any other palanon really, do you ever just get angry? like, really really angry? like pulse in ears, seeing red, headache like a dwarven driller embedded in your skull angry?
and not just when Evil is about either, could be any time,
for instance, was walking down the street one day, said hi to the neighbors, a nice orc lady and her kids, like family really, when suddenly the dad bumps into me.
guys not evil, could even be considered good in some circles, but at that moment the only thing that kept me from tearing into him was that the kids were watching.
Scared me shitless in retrospect, and no, i have no idea why it happened.

I'm no paladin, but I managed to get a couple of greyflame firearms.

A shotgun is fine on its own, but nothing beats the satisfaction of firing shotgun shells that channel Divine energy.

>>16802064

I get angry at times but not like that. I do not have the paladin's ability to sense evil, nor do I have the physical body to be able to use it, I wager.

>>16802064
Dude, Roland isn't a paladin, he's just a spirit animating a suit of armour who happens to be really good with firearms and sniffing out bad guys.

But honestly? It sounds like you've got a case of the Rages. Do you find yourself capable of stuff you weren't usually, when you get angry? Like, you get a lot stronger for some reason?

(holy mother of bob this is still going on)
>>16801990
not all Dryad's are like this.
It seems to vary by sub-species.
Was it an Oak? Oak-dryads are dicks.
Elms are bros. Shame there is still no cure for dutch elm disease

>>16801964
I make exception for men that have stolen my heart.

>>16801911
Not as bad as guro.

Well the sides of my face aren't the only place I grow unfeminine hair, and the places it should be growing anyway get thicker with it. Magic hair removal products aren't too much trouble though. I typically bother to take swipes at my arms and legs and that pesky line of it that starts up in the center of my chest. I'm actually thankful I don't have any tits to speak of to frame it.

Pretty much the kind of thing you expect testosterone to do. Ravages of puberty on my poor figure too, but you guys know that already.

One thing I am really quite thankful for is a natural metabolism. It's not difficult to keep my weight down. Which is good because I put on weight like a man. It doesn't take much till I swing past androgynous completely. Then I'm just a man with a cooch.

Which I'm sure is amusing from an outside perspective.

>>16801917
Boss was on the research team that left, apparently it was some bioweapon, who knows what Intel does, but more or less it went south, and why the Atlantis Surface Stragetic Arms Limitation Treaty was passed, apparently Atlantis and the Surface were working on some strange stuff, but Atlantis is awesome (go there if you can)

>>16802050
There are actually quite a few of us out here. Most constructs are actually fairly intelligent. Its just most of us are unable to express any will but our master do to the loyalty spells that would destroy us if we fought back or showed initiative that the master didn't want.

>>16802115
Trust me, the thought isn't amusing to me in the slightest.

>>16802128
Interesting. I also heard reports that said virus was based on an experiment to create a stable form of cryogenic suspension for deep-space travel. Apparently it was tested on a monkey who was jettisoned into space and was later brought to that same laboratory.

(
>so many great characters
At least check out http://s11.zetaboards.com/Modern_Fantasy/

You don't have to join, but I think you'd like it.)

>>16802085
reason i ask is cause when I asked Dad about it all he said was "look at the family tree dumbass."
I mean, yeah, I know we're Norwegian, and that back in the old times great^x grampa was a berserker, but is that rumor that barbarisim is genetic really true?
and if so, anyone know any treatments for it? would be sorta hard to be all law and good if i could start foaming at the mouth any second.

>>16801563
This you?

>>16802105
and then i remember i should refresh before posting.
I dunno, i feel stronger, but that could just be the adrenaline, i've never fully acted on it, it just suddenly flares up and then boom.

>>16802142
Huh, my grandmother's house is pretty friendly, apparently my grandmother knew the whole time, former leader of the cult or something, I didn't pry. But she seems nice, though apparently she was designed to not let people escape. Doors and windows appear and disappear all over the place. She's pretty free-willed, but my grandmother holds the reigns on her still.

So I'm an Orc.

Yeah, I know literacy isn't big in my particular demographic, but I was blessed to be adopted into a nice human family. It had to have been a big leap of faith for them, what with the bloodlust and lack of proper sentence structure, but so far I've turned out just fine. Mainstreaming is great!

However, I've recently moved into a new neighborhood - specifically, an Elven neighborhood - and I've been absolutely shit at making new friends. Every time I go out, I get shunned, or things thrown at me. I woke up this morning to a giant green 'X' painted on my apartment door. And I can't move - I don't have the cash to do it, and I've just started up my new job.

The worst part is? I think all this humiliation is getting to me. I'm starting to grunt more, my posture has slouched... I don't know if this is some kind of psychological reinforcement or what.

Anyone have any advice?

- Orchimedes

>>16802191
If it makes you feel better, female facial hair isn't that uncommon as I've found out. Women just have the decency to get rid of it. As I do. I blow just as much money on hair removal as any other woman. I do have some measure of self respect left, and that includes staying in shape. I occasionally do get the desire to go out dressed as a woman, and I'd rather not look like I'm in drag.

At least I don't have hairy nipples. There are women without any male hormones to blame that get that.

>>16802315
Ignore Roland. He's like a million years old or some shit. The spirit of the missing link.

>>16802306
Confront them, but in an erudite way. Show them that the stereotypes aren't true, and force them to see you as a real person, instead of some boogeyman their parents warned them about.

Also you have an awesome name. That is all.

>>16802306
As a minority I can feel it, but trust me, Orcs are awesome (your D is amazing, need to play more football), and Elves are jerks anyway, I'll go out drinking if I ever see you in Newport!
>>16802191
Its intel, I can't tell what they do anymore!

>>16802306
First of all, the fact that you woke up to find the results of these people's works and not the people themselves is clear signs they are bullies and cowards.
Secondly, slouching and grunting is more a side effect of stress than some kind of instinctive reversion, lots of older men tend to do it.
Third, you should report this shit to the police. Humans and orcs have had their differences, but those days are over. We're all stuck on this crazy, messed up planet together, and if we wanna make it through the next century, we gotta work together.
Finally, consider finding social groups of other orcs like yourself, maybe form an activist group, or just find people who don't believe all orcs are bad.
But the big point is to try to reach out to people, make the connection.

Also, always remember, you're never alone in this world.

-Sato

>>16802251

Nope, while I can take the shape of a cube, I'm usually just sort of, a blob. I've got pretty much full control over my form, so I can take a humanoid form, but it takes a lot of concentration, and I can't change my color, so I look like a humanoid Jello mold, with a pair of floating eyes.

>>16802306
Go out in a suit, with a cane. Wear a monocle. Use lots of big words. They'll think you're sophisticated as shit. Then, when their guard is down, pull the sword from your sword-cane and slay them where they stand.

Or something.

>>16802306
This is the one reason why me and elves just don't get along. That Gigantic bitchfest about how everything besides elves is wrong....
my class pres in highschool was an elf, my god did i want to punch that bitch.
Don't let it get to you, in fact, next time one of them gets in your face ask them why they're doing it.
they will have no fucking clue, none.

>>16802315
It would be very nice if you quit talking altogether now.

>>16802331
Approaching two thousand, although I see no point in counting years anymore.

>>16802360
I like this poster. Do as he says.

>>16802142

Hey, Shattered, did you ever go out with my Caryatid Column friend? I haven't been by her place in a while and I was wondering how it went.

Hum, guys. I think I feel in love with a slime girl.

What should I do ? I'm just one normal man

>>16802360
just whatever you do don't act interested in them, act like you don't give a fuck, like youre better than them.

>>16802404
Make sure she isn't an acid slime. Seriously. Because that will only ever end badly.

>>16802331
I'm used to it. A cuntboy is an odd concept for anybody to get used to.

Wonder what happened to that drow girl.

None of you have any idea how hard it is to be a tiefling. The only place I can get a job is in a diner or gods forbid some brothel somewhere. Orcs aren't good tippers either, trust me. My ancestors aren't even swell enough to toss some cash at me to help out.

You guys take stuff for granted.

>>16802428

No, no she's not, her summoner made pretty damn sure of that really.

How.. well, is it physically hopeless ?

>>16802434
I'm here. What's up?

((Your character is interesting as hell. If you haven't already, check out that site OP mentioned. I'm not OP, but I created the forum.))

>>16802425
>like youre better than them.
>Elves
Are you crazy?!
I'm not a person to stereotype and I've met a lot of different kinds of people who break stereotypes in my life, but one thing can be said: Elves HATE IT when you act superior to them. They completely flip out and drop all pretenses of politeness. If Orchimedes does this, there's a good chance they might lynch him then and there!

>>16802449
so fucking what? if that's the case then why did he move to elf hell? why live there if you're going to either have to be an elves buttmonkey or get lynched. It's not his problem, if he can't walk down the street in nice clothes and not give the elves that are harassing him the time of day without getting lynched he may as well suicide bomb them because they dont deserve to live and his life isn't worth living.

I know someone was asking earlier about overcoming the short human lifespan. Have you considered wizardry?
It's fairly easy to have a long life if you follow two simple rules.
1. Don't enter politics
2. Don't declare yourself a god
You can live for quite a while as long as you don't earn enemies by flaunting your wealth and power.

>>16802399
Honestly, I don't think its going to work. She was lovely and all, but didn't have much going on upstairs past her work. I just wanted to do something other than stand perfectly still for 19 hours a day on the off chance an intruder appears. Plus, she is a lot better crafted than me so we can rarely work together without giving away the jig.

>>16802448
[I do post there you silly goose. I'm Phoenix Syndrome. I've even posted extensively in the intro topic and a separate topic to stop my discussion from polluting the intro too much]

Was just wondering if I scared you off is all. I'm not the most attractive personality around. I'd blame my aggression and grumpiness on testosterone, but I've also let myself become a bit of a slob.

I'll be honest. I don't particularly mind cute girls hitting on me. I'm flexible. It's just sometimes I'm tempted into things I know I'll regret when a pretty girl starts telling me she doesn't mind that I look like a guy.

>>16802482
sorry, just speaking from some REALLY bad experiences... Specifically about a dozen or so of them.
First time was when I was a kid, it was my birthday and I beat an elven friend of mine at skeeball. He FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT. He threw my cake at a girl I had a crush on, punched another friend in the dick, and tried to bludgeon me with one of my presents.
Thinking about it, it was about this time I began reconsidering becoming a wizard in favor of something more physical.
Anyway though, more recent times it's happened, it's been at my college. Always goes the same, an elven student gets corrected too many times or doesn't feel like they're being treated as equal or superior, shit goes flying everywhere, campus security gets called in, and I have to grapple the asshole until security arrives.
Last time I was dealing with a freakin' psion. The entire library became like something out of Carrie.

>>16802443
if you've ever been denied a job because of your heritage, take it up with the local authorities, the EEO includes metas under its protection.
>>16802482
you sir need to get punched in the cock, repeatedly, with a sledgehammer

>>16802501
Alternately, if you lack wizarding talent just hook up with one and convince them to cast that nice life extending shit on you. Wound up marrying a Drow wizard, and she just handed me a potion after the wedding and flat out told me she wasn't going to put up with any damned short human lifespans interrupting her plans.

>>16802555

Elves are incredibly annoying for reasons like that. It is always nice when I am hired to deal with a troublesome one.

Yeah, for some reason people seem enamored with the idea of dickish elves, and end up forgetting that it means that you're stuck with a bunch of dicks.

This is why the mellow, treehugger elves, though occasionally annoying, make for vastly superior neighbors. They're not a bunch of dicks.

So I got this little problem here about some kind of low tier succubus that want out of a contract made with, apparently, my grandpa. Apparently she must have my virginity, apparently this is one other prank from my grandpa, thing is the fucker is hiding the piece of papar so I need a more drastic reason to keep her away from me.

I'm still a damn apprentice wizard so she overpower me in... well all departement.

Help a fellow out ?

>>16802564

Oh believe me, I have. It's just incredibly hard to prove that's why I keep getting turned down. I can't get even get a job cleaning hotel rooms because I'm 'underqualified'

I have a master's degree in teaching and world history, I should be teaching at a college.

>>16802554
Pic related is my response to whether you look manly or womanly.

>>16802564
kill yourself you waste of hypocritical space. Those elves are hypothetically going to lynch someone just for not kissing their asses for the fun of it. you would be smitting the fuck out of them if you where a real paladin and not someone who gets a hard on from RAEG

>>16802651
Now now, tis no need for that kind of language. I think it best if you step back a moment before posting again. Obviously your prejudice against elves has gottenthe better of you.

So, recently, I've been -really- interested in conjuration and evocation magic after playing the latest Call of Duty, however, I've a couple questions:

1. Can anyone identify the spells the S.A.S. guys used against Spetsnaz when storming the Orc battleship? I think it was Flameball or Destructive Runes...Something like that...

2. Do most gun ranges also accommodate spellslinging, or will I need to goto a specialist place to practice? I know at least once range in town has banned 'slinging (something to do with too many accidents involving Magic Missile) but I dunno if that's an exception or just the norm.

>>16802620
My face when.
It's complete bullshit that a meta with qualifications can't get a damn job, especially one like you, who chose such a demanding area of expertise, I mean, holy shit, i can't even fucking type a sentence without profanity when shit like that goes on.
like how mama orc can't get a job at the hospital, despite having a nursing degree and three specialization certificates.
Somedays i wish i could replace the abillity to smite evil with smite idiot.

>>16802624
Hah, see, this is where the temptation starts to set in.

I've never actually gone and tried out life as a guy. It helps that you have no preference, but some girls get attracted to my overall demeanor. That being aggressive and not terribly ladylike. I end up the man in the relationship to a cutie like you, and I start to wonder why don't I just be a guy since I'm so close to one already. Just enough extra pounds to seal the deal.

It would be easier, and a sense of morbid curiosity to try going full on male mode is gets to me.

>>16802730
The best part about my job is that those two often fall in the same category.

>>16802676
He's not being harsh enough. Elves are terrible.

>>16802757

Why have you not attempted to change your appearance with magic if you complain about it so much? Surely it would be simple to find someone willing to in your line of work.

>>16802757
People is people. You cannot count the amount of shit I don't give whether you're a man or a woman. You had me at "I ran through the exploding desk trap and kicked the shit out of a teenage psycho who wanted to magic-nuke the city."

>>16802730

Actually, there is a way to be able to smite idiot, but the problem is you'd have to worship this one ancient being, god thing. I met an avatar of him a while back in a bar. It's some sort of super-intelligence that can't stand stupidity. The problem is, I think it's also pretty insane, and most likely evil.

I always tell people that the darthiiri are obnoxious cunts, but noooo, everyone just sees pretty faces and romance-novel covers.

>>16802690
Given how magic has progressed spellslinging is generally relegated to the movies. Most battlemage training is advanced scrying and anti-scrying measures, as with the major combat spells neutralizing a target is mainly a matter of learning their location or true name.

There are some historical groups that study and practice spellslinging, although they're few and far between due to the high costs of the activity.

>>16802793
sup racist

>>16802730

I've applied for work at every college in Washington, Texas and New York and STILL no reply from any of them. So I'm stuck here working at some sleazy diner getting my rear smacked by every elf and orc that thinks he's better than me. At least some of the elves are good tippers, I guess.

>>16802651
No i wouldn't
The law clearly states that vigilante justice is in no way acceptable, as much as i would like to smite every piece of shit, two penny fuckwad of a villain i can't because I follow the goddamned law, if i did not then i would not be a paladin.
And in all honesty your plan is more likely to get him killed than anything else. Throwing the fact that you are not any worse than an elf in an elf's face causes a stupid amount of anger, do that to a community and you just fucked not only yourself but your entire extended family over. In short, though i should have stated my disagreement in a better fashion, you sir are wrong to call me a hypocrite.

Sorry in advance for any spelloing errors. My laptop[ is really small and my hansds are rather large.
What's with all the orc hate recently?
I mean, I've been an orc asll of my life, and yues I magy have killed a few peoiple, but they were really asjking for it and everygbody thanked me for it.

Hoqwever, whenever IO'm in puvblic, I gert all ofd these rude lookls and things. I'm rewally confdused, because evedrybody I know pertsonallky thinks I'm a really copol guy.

>>16802778
Due to the second condition on the list of things wrong with me. To put it simply, my body gets rebuilt on a predetermined specification that's about just under twenty years old for me. If I do so much as cut my hair, and die right afterward, I wake back up with my hair like it was then. Long enough to cover my ass. Lets say I get a permanent polymorph. I bite it and I lose the benefit of it.

There isn't actually a way to fix it.

>>16802785
>You had me at "I ran through the exploding desk trap and kicked the shit out of a teenage psycho who wanted to magic-nuke the city."

Mmm.. you wanna go do something sometime then? If you really don't have a problem.

>>16802611
just let her have it, it will likely be the best sex of your life

>>16802849

That has nothing to do with your horns, dear, and everything to do with your choice of degree and career.

Have you considered law school? Or an MBA at least?

>>16802881
>Mmm.. you wanna go do something sometime then? If you really don't have a problem.
Definitely. Maybe we could get coffee or something? Hopefully not too boring.

((We could actually have them hanging out as the first thread in the ICO section on the forum if you want. Though I need to sleep soon. I have a class that starts in 8 hours.))

So I got followed home.

By a bat thing.

I mean, it's not like I really mind what happened, or what's happening, but it's the sort of thing that you feel, you know, that if somebody were in your place, somebody not you, maybe they would mind, maybe. Even if you don't. Which is why I'm asking. Only I haven't asked anything yet.

No, hold on, I'm telling this wrong. Let me start from the beginning.

So it's late night, and I'm hanging out at the local corner store. It's not really important, the store itself, but what you need to know is that the owner? Mean. Bitter and mean. He hates kids, and maybe he has a good reason to hate kids, but I don't know. But he hates kids, and I'm not a kid, but I look close enough to a kid that when I shave sometimes I get mistaken for a kid. Not often, and usually only when the light is bad, but it happens enough that the running joke is that I've got some elf mixed up in my family tree.

I don't. Not to say I'm human down to the very last gene, but I'm close enough that for all intents and purposes I am human, really. No powers, and I'm not going to live an especially long life without trying very hard.

I'm getting off the point again. Let me try again.

>>16802832
I'm pretty sure you're mistaken, spellslinging is still totally relevant on the real-world battlefield, it's just it's mostly reserved for the elite because they're the only ones with the raw skill to handle it. My buddy, John, totally knows a guy who's second cousin is a black belt in "поддельный", that Russian martial art they teach all their special forces. Y'know, the one where they do things like throw three different spells at once while punching someone in the throat, then perform a backflip ray sneak attack.

>>16802861
its a real bitch, but its mostly the fact that the longer lived races are real good at holding a grudge, so they still haven't forgotten the time great great great grampa Thrug ate grandma Mariel. some of em are alright though, and realized that everyone's basically on even ground now.
>>16802849
well if they're takin their time, ain't really much you can do about that besides send out more applications, even if its to community colleges and such. if you have some prior experience and have proven that you know your damn subject, suddenly employers turn much more respectful

>>16802881
Well, don't give up. Find something recastable or replenishable. If you truly wish to be a lady then you should try your hardest to actually look the part.

>>16802911
You idiot. This has everything to do with her horns. She'd be better off filing them down at this rate.

>>16802925
I might like my action, but I like my downtime plenty too. It'll be nice just you and me.

[I'm barely here myself. I'm trying to reset my sleep schedule. I got dog sick and it screwed me up. Finally back on track.]

>>16802911

Every single intelligent tiefling goes into law and it just reinforces the stereotype of us being money grubbing, ruthless cutthroats with no concern for anyone but ourselves. I'd honestly rather stay at the diner than go into law.

>>16802952
((Alright. If it's cool with you, I can start a thread tonight in the storyline section or whatever just to remind myself to start the "offline" rp thing tomorrow. I haven't done a good online rp story in what seems like forever.))

>>16802947

She has an MA in history. She's competing against all the underemployed liberal-arts graduates from the last fifteen years. It's not like she's a fucking orthodontist's assistant or mechanical engineer or something else actually hireable.

>>16802960
I must admit that I find it interesting that the stereotypes about lawyers are so much stronger than the stereotypes about tieflings that tieflings tending to be lawyers reflects poorly on the tieflings instead of on lawyers.

>>16802927
So, the corner store owner? Hates kids. I look like a kid. He hates kids. He's closing up, or close to closing up and he sees a kid loitering around, even though I'm not a kid, and I guess he figures that he doesn't want kids there. I wasn't really there for any reason, so he could have just asked. Or even said something like "oy" or "hey you", but he's mean.

So he puts on the squealing thing.

I don't know what the proper name for these things are, the squealing things. They got real popular where I live about a year to half a year to a couple of years ago, and they've remained popular enough since. People who don't like kids buy them, because they don't like kids. The trick is, the younger you are, the more frequencies you can hear. No, wait, I've got it backwards.

See, the trick is, the squealing thing which I don't know the name of makes a sound that's either at a very high pitch or a very high frequency or something else that's very high. I don't know what it is, but it's very high. That's the trick. The younger you are, the more frequencies or pitches or something elses you can hear. As you get older, your body gets older, and it loses whatever it has. Kids have vision grown men forget they have. Someone said something, or something very close to that, but I forget who. So kids are more likely to hear the squealing thing than adults, and it's a pretty terrible noise. Not painful, but annoying enough that any kids who end up subjected to it will probably run off within a minute or five.

And I can hear it, too, so I gather it's my cue to leave. I wasn't really there for any reason, anyway.

>>16802981

And, you know, the fact that she looks like a demon. That tends to be a deterrent as well. The modern world claims it's "tolerant" but that is a tremendous lie and you know it.

>>16802947
That kind of thing is terribly expensive. Which leads to a vicious cycle of me taking dangerous jobs more often. Then having to use the item more because of the jobs. Which I need to take more jobs to support the item.

I've been living with this for a decade. Just keeping clean and dolled up when I want to cavort around is the best solution I've encountered. I just.. lack a bit of reason to actually go around as a woman. Men's taste in fuller women that don't cuss like a sailor being what it is. If you catch my meaning.

And going on a job in a skirt is just dumb. Unless part of the job is to seduce the target.

>>16802974
[sure thing! I'll post in it when I wake up. so take your time. I'm barely awake here. Going to go now, even.]

>>16802960

That's your choice, hon. I find it much easier to deal with a reputation for ruthlessness and greed when I'm pulling down six figures in bonuses each year, instead of shaking my ass around a stripper pole for dollar bills. The people who sneer about lawyers are the people who will never be able to afford one anyway.

You can try to struggle against the opinions of small-minded idiots and horny rubes, or you can ignore them and prove their irrelevance.

>>16803028

Oh, you're setting a FANTASTIC example. You wonder why the lass is so concerned about her species.

>>16802860
>>hurr I'm lawful stupid
Yeah, exactly
Dumbass paladins thinking some twat over in congress deciding the law is a universal force to be reckoned with, the law, in lawful paladin is supposed to be honesty, They keep their word, uphold their bargains, they don't cheat their way to victory. they follow their own code strictly, It has nothing to do with j walking you twat.
>>16802676
It's not a prejudice against elves, It's a prejudice against assholes who lynch people for no good reason you dipshit.

>>16803051

You can bemoan what other people think of you, or you can whine about it, or you can make something out of your life such that you don't have to put up with small-minded pieces of shit ever again. We call that or'adrith. Which is a much more elegant term than "fuck-you money," but amounts to the same thing.

>>16802990
And so this is the important part, or maybe the beginning, or maybe the beginning of the important part. I don't know. Here's what happened. I turn to go and I get bowled over.

It's not a very good description, but it happened very fast and there wasn't a lot of it. There was no dramatic "and I saw the car as it turned the corner, too close to stop, too close for me to escape", mostly because it wasn't a car. It was something human-shaped, or humanoid-shaped, or whatever shape it was, and it bowled me over. I didn't hit my head, but I skinned my elbows pretty bad. I put them in hydrogen peroxide, or the other way around, and also soap, but that was after I got home, after I walked. The corner store was close enough. It wouldn't make sense to drive to a corner store just to loiter there, I don't think.

So something says "sorry", or maybe squeaks "sorry", or maybe just squeaks, and then flaps off into the night, right into the sky. I feel wings, and I see wings, and it's flying, so I think "harpy, maybe". And then I don't think about it at all. It's over. I got bumped into, and that's where it ends. I'm not expecting to see whoever I didn't see then again, at least not in any significant way.

One or two weeks later, or three weeks later, I'm walking home from the grocery store and there are eyes on my neck.

I don't like paranoia. I might have tried to be paranoid, once, when I was younger, but I couldn't keep it up. It took too much energy, and I didn't get very much in return. So I don't think it was paranoia, and I didn't think it was paranoia, so I looked behind me. Nothing. Just the rustling of trees and a couple of birds flying around. That's fine. That was fine.

>>16803028
or you can dedicate yourself to getting a job you would want, and not doing something you hate because it pays better.
if you like the law, than good for you, but if you have to take that job because it's your only option that still sucks

>>16803028

Hey, I'm a waitress not a stripper! Besides, I wanna help people. I don't wanna scrape along the bottom of the moral barrel just to live comfortably. Besides, I don't have the money to go back to school and get a law degree. I was lucky enough to get a scholarship for my teaching degree.

Have you guys heard that the Army are using Drow for SpecOps?

And don't even get me started on the "Pelors Fist" Orbiting Relative Kill Vehicle (ORKV for short) That those think tanks made a couple of years ago...

Then again, I've heard that Air spells are going to be used in the upcoming Missions to Mars...

Also, Latter Day Saints of Pelor Master-race reporting in.

So I just found a frozen Gelatinous Cube in my freezer.

Is It safe to just leave it outside ?

>>16803197

It might eat a neighbor's dog or something. Best to keep it frozen as contact your landlord.

>>16803183

Drow are spectacularly bad at Special Ops. An innate need for cruelty means you waste precious seconds twisting a knife in an open wound instead of simply slitting a throat and continuing on with speed. Humans are better Spec Ops and assassins, by far.

>>16803152

No, my older sister is the stripper.

Anyway, if you take my advice--and you should--you ought to widen your potential employment opportunities. Wanting to help people less fortunate than you is commendable, but you'll do more good as middle management at a nonprofit, or a lobbying firm, or a fundraising specialist, than you will teaching bored 19-year-olds about the Fifth Sylvan Crusade.

>>16803197
that's just Jello
Cubes don't freeze below -20C, and your freezer probably doesn't go that low
>>16803152
good for you.

>>16803218

...I don't really like that damn orc, all I know is that it gelatinous thing doesn't seem to be acidic.

Might make a good pet

>>16803251
>not acidic

If it's not sulphuric then it's ammoniac, and either is very, very bad for you.

>>16803278

Actually Freezer is kept at around -30 due to some, huh, need from my girlfriend

>>16803241

No doubt, everything in there is probably poisoned or something, how the hell do I get rid of it ?

>>16803152

If you wanna be a prostitute for me, baby, I can pay off all of your school loans.

>>16803141
The next day I get it again, that prickly feeling on the back of my neck. I turn and turn, but I don't see anything. The next day, again. I don't like paranoia, and I can't keep it up, so I decide not to worry about it. I loiter at the corner store and I buy my groceries and I talk to my friends every now and then because that's normal and there's nothing wrong with that. I buy fruit. Fruit is healthy. Salad is healthy, too, but I go through fruit like I'm herbivorous, which brings to mind something I heard off a Japanese TV show once but I don't think it's important so I'll spare it.

But I go through fruit fast. I go through fruit fast, which is surprising even to me until I stop going through fruit so fast and I realize the amount of fruit I have is decreasing anyway.

This worries me. I'm worried.

I start looking for ants, even though ants don't know how to open refrigerators yet, at least the kind of ants I'm looking for. I look for other pests, too, not especially hard but whenever my mind turns to it. I pass a week. The itchy feeling at the back of my neck goes away. I'm a little relieved, even though I was never really bothered in the first place, because now all I have to worry about is buying fruit to replace what keeps needing to be replaced, and fast. And, in some sort of weird sort of way, I'm content with that, because even if it's a problem it's not much of a problem at all, comparably.

>>16803251
you want to keep it inside, those things grow to fit their environment, so if you let it roam in your place it should not get any larger than your doorways are across. They aren't very smart, though, but they can be trained. And most cubes will keep your floors sparkling clean. You just might have to get a bed that's inorganic for the bottom few feet. The things can't climb, but it will digest it's way through a mattress to get you

>>16803316

It's probably bad that I actually had to seriously think about that for a moment.

>>16803316

Scumbags aren't limited to just the supernatural.

>>16803328


Whoa there buddy, I'm not sure what is going on in your head but she's a Yukkie Onna, you know, frozen lady.

And well as for the ``need``, I kind of want to keep it secret.

>>16803292
Brown bin for regular trash. Blue bin for recyclables. Orange bin for oozes, slimes, and aberrations. Even I know that!

The orange bin is probably collecting dust in your garage or something. Call your damned waste management company if you don't have one.

>>16803369

Wiser to play it safe and just use fire. A convincing flame can be easily constructed which will be enough to destroy the cube.

>>16803369

Oh, and the orange bin is supposed to come with an airtight, latching lid. Very important. I had to fire a maid because she put some otyugh larvae on the curb without the lid properly sealed. That was a nasty fine.

>>16803398

Now I know why the bin was just that, a bin. So how long to get a new one shipped ?

>>16803333
>>16803340

It wouldn't be all bad. One day of work would be one week of loans. I can even buy polymorph potions if you don't like the way I look.

>>16803439

Please do something illegal, I would love to track you down.

Mmmm. Think I'll do it anyway. We will speak at another time, board.

>>16803410
They should bring one by within a week.

>>16800091
I'm dating a Dragonborn girl. It appears that there's a market for special leather gloves and "socks" that only cover the talons. When she was over at my place she didn't have them on her, and I wondered how bad it could be.

Had to be rushed to the hospital that night. To this day my back looks like it's been mauled by a, well, dragon.

>>16805602
hah, I bet that was awkard as fuck.
At least it was for myself when I went to hospital after my vampiric girlfriend got too enthusiastic with her play biting.

>>16803057
Sir or Ma'am.
A paladin must do what is right within the dictates of his Faith and within the dictates of the law. this includes all you mentioned, and also the rest of the law. A paladin straddles the line between Justice and Discipline, it would indeed be just to beat the snot out of the Racists, but it would be against the law. Unfortunately this can lead to conflicts such as the one here and now. I am not, nor have i ever said that sir Orc should not strive to change his conditions, on the contrary,
>>16802355
had the best ideas of most early posters.
your idea was self destructive in that if Orchemedies (sp) followed through with it, he'd likely die.
this is not a good idea, with life there is hope.

In short, what makes a paladin is not just his commitment to the good fight, but his commitment to justice that applies to all people through the law.
if the law must be changed then it must be changed, or i could continue working on my criminal justice program in hopes of joining the police, and then help people without the chance of other vigilantes questionable actions muddling things.