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  • File : 1316731498.jpg-(68 KB, 668x600, koza.jpg)
    68 KB Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)18:44 No.16389889  
    ITT shit players said that caught you off guard and/or made you laugh out loud

    >BBEG giving a My Evil Plan speech
    >clearly insane mass murder in the making
    >"He seems reasonable. Let's reason with him using our reason."
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)18:46 No.16389899
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)18:49 No.16389922
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    >Not a shit player but to an restrained prisoner:

    "I... what..."
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)18:50 No.16389929
    >Enough of this talk of Breweries! THERE ARE HALFLINGS TO MURDER!
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)18:50 No.16389930
    In Dark Heresy
    >"I don't think this guy is a heretic"

    In a Wicked Age
    >"I paint the bunny blue!"

    >"I cast floating disc in his ass"
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)18:53 No.16389952
    >Dwarf Shaman
    >"My character sheet doesn't say 'clothing', and my armor can be summoned. The only reason why I'm not arrested for public nudity is because I've wrapped my monkey animal companion around my waist, dangling in front of my man parts"
    oh god what
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)18:53 No.16389954
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    >"As you enter the room, a skeletal monkey drops onto your head and begins to hump against your ear"
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)18:54 No.16389962
    >Wizard and Cleric discussing battle plans
    >THAT GUY ranger pipes up and says "Why are we wasting time planning? Let's just-"
    >Wizard says "Shh. Adults are talking."
    >Ranger shuts up
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)18:58 No.16389988
    One of my friend played a druid dwarf the same way, but he was using his beard as clothing.

    >Another player have a chat with an warrior NPC
    >Get he NPC angry, he ask for a duel
    >My friend flee
    >Rest of the party meet the warrior
    >"I am looking for a coward"
    >Said player begin to scream
    >"WHAT! Fuck you GM I 'm not a cow! What the fuck is wrong with you!"
    >Every fucking body laugh at him
    Turns out he never heard of the word "coward" before
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)18:59 No.16389991
    >>>Wizard says "Shh. Full Casters are talking."
    >Ranger shuts up
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)18:59 No.16389994
    > Let's reason with him using our reason.

    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:00 No.16389996
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    >Party kills 2 dire weasels
    >Party goes to a chest, opens it up, grabs loot
    >They begin to leave
    >Rogue: Wait! I loot the weasels!

    God dammit...
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:00 No.16389999
    >fighting sphinx
    >it keeps giving us riddles we have to get right (or suffer magic penalties)
    >Sphinx: 100 feet in the air, but its back is on the ground
    >Player: 25 sphinxes as slutty as you!
    It flew away in shame.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:01 No.16390010
    Fuck. Yes.

    I want to brofist you through the internet
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:03 No.16390024
    Looks like you just got... boned
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:03 No.16390025
    Now that's thinking with necromancy.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:03 No.16390027
    A mountain. The horizon? FFUUUUUU
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:03 No.16390034
    >I rape the dragon's nose!

    I'll never look at Gnolls the same.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:05 No.16390042
    Our party once did the same, only we stuffed reanimated animals with explosives instead. We also sometimes turned them invisible.
    >> northern /k/ommando 09/22/11(Thu)19:05 No.16390044
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:06 No.16390053
    A centipede on its back?
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:06 No.16390055
    That's pretty awesome.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:07 No.16390061
    A part of your county has a gibberling infestation. they're terrorizing the farmers and causing disarray. How do you deal with it?

    >player then uses fear spells and herding tactics to funnel them into rolling cages.
    >uses them as front line fodder in upcoming military campaign.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:08 No.16390069

    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:10 No.16390088
    That's what it was supposed to be, but the player overthought it. He said centipedes actually have less than 100 legs so he didn't figure that could be correct. We all agreed the answer he gave was better anyway.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:10 No.16390091
    Goin' OLD school, 1st Edition Shadowrun...

    >Players get a creepy feeling about this cult (Universal Brotherhood).
    >My Seattle is a sandbox so there's plenty to do. Everyone's off doing something... one of them gets another to go check out a UB chapterhouse.

    For anyone who doesn't know, the odd feelings were appropriately placed. The UB was abducting people are making them hosts for insect spirits.. the bad merges were KICK ASS monsters. The good merges looked like they originally did so the UB was replacing people of importance with insect spirits....

    >Big, bad ant spirit shows up as two PC's check out the chapterhouse. Quickly, the fight is too tough for the two PC's.
    >Asshole says, "Nah... we can take him." Other player says, getting it, "Its an ant... it is NOT GOING TO BE ALONE!" and bugs out (pun intended).
    >Asshole says, "The GM killed someone last week... we're safe."

    Its on....

    >Three more ants showed up. They ripped Asshole's PC into shreds.
    >Asshole: I'm making another character.
    >2 minutes later (not mpossible since Shadowrun had archetypes), he hands me... the same character sheet.
    >Asshole: I backed him down to the way he started!

    Player's name was Lou... thus was born "The Loop De Lou" when someone made a character that was MUCH TOO SIMILAR to their recently dead one.

    >Player is too much of an asshole to argue with. "Ok... what's your new guy doing?"
    >Asshole: "I'm going back to the chapterhouse!"

    The Loop De Lou was re-performed shortly after...

    He did manage to get that chapterhouse closed, though. I figured the UB would shut that place down fast since too many assholes were showing up.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:12 No.16390101
    o.o Doublequads.
    Consecutive doublequads, no less.

    As my first set of quads (I was 0000) in the history of my 4chan, I'd like to stop for a moment and say what a pleasure it is to share intellectual information and stimulation with gentlemen and ladies as fine as yourselves, the denizens of /tg/, Truly, it has been a fine several years, and this will always be my home away from home, here on the internets.

    My thanks!

    And now back to silly shit players say that makes you lol like mad.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:14 No.16390115
    A human isn't born in the morning, and then proceeds to die of old age in the evening. A cane is also not a leg. That doesn't make the riddle less true, because it ISN'T LITERAL.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:15 No.16390127
    Holy fuck, I'm dying here.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:15 No.16390131
    Whatever, I still like his answer more.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:16 No.16390138
    >25 sphinxes as slutty as you

    Chuckled heartily
    >> Nothingmancer 09/22/11(Thu)19:16 No.16390139
    Had a player who was going to join our game as a thief since we sorely lacked trap-disabling skills.
    Two of our players are a minotaur and a kobold, and the thief comes across the minotaur.
    "I walk up to him and throw flashpowder in his face while looting his pockets!"
    Against a minotaur.
    In a halfling town where the average building height was about chest level for humans.
    He was knocked unconcious and arrested shortly after.

    >Characters Player: "This game is unbalanced shit!"
    >Player has ragequit.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:17 No.16390149
    >"So what's your character's name?"
    > "Raoul."
    >"Says here he's a kobold.
    >"And he wears a sombrero."
    > "Si."
    > "Sure, why not."
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:18 No.16390165
    >minor villain trying to surrender and explain his motivation
    >"We're heroes! Listening is for other people!"
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:22 No.16390189
    Entirely reasonable, as it is a fucking awesome way to beat an encounter.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:23 No.16390194
    >playing a sorcerer
    >the oracle and the bard get into a contest of trying to lay this girl in the play we're cast in
    >destroy part of the set to prevent this travesty
    >we all end up going to the lead actor's house where he attempts to drug the girl
    >spill the wine on him
    >tiefling paladin lights the house on fire to prevent rape
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:23 No.16390195
    My uncle was playing with us and getting mauled by dogs, specifically in the dick, and said
    to which my brother replied, sitting next to a radio doing nothing
    "no way bro, this is my jam"
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:24 No.16390205
    >PC's first mission is coming to an end, having retrieved the necessary trinket they were looking for.
    >Running back to their orbital lander the Guardsman (the de facto muscle of the group) asks if the lander has a length of cable on board.
    > Me - "... Uh, yes?"
    > The guardsman then attachs the cable to the lander.
    > Okay...
    > He then attachs it to the other orbital lander on the landing pad and suggests playing "orbital lander conkers".
    > Well... I suppose... This IS meant to be fun...
    > The town they were meant to infiltrate and quietly find the inquisitors signet ring is a smoking ruin as they batter half of it and then dump the conker as it is about to explode.
    > Guardsman - "Job well done."
    > Me - "Uh... yeah... this whole thing about covert operations..."
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:26 No.16390224
    >Running basic dungeon crawl
    >party stopped by a stone door
    >they cannot figure out how to open it
    >sit through about five minutes of examination and me telling them "It's just a heavy stone door"
    >The group sorceror tells me he's going to roll diplomacy on the door
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:30 No.16390267
    >dming for my friends while camping
    >playing on a picnic table in lantern light
    >players are fucking around too much and nothing gets done
    >me:"Alright shit fucks, anybody who stops the game from progressing gets a strike. 3 strikes equals death."
    >so we all continue, not doing jack shit, and laughing our asses off for a good our
    >PC's arrive at the pub/quest station
    >THAT GUY walks up to bar tender
    >"I grab my dick"
    >we all laugh our asses off
    >me "Thats fucking it ANON, strike one"
    > him "NO NO NO! You didn't let me finish!... I grab my dick... and I ask him for a quest..."

    Never laughed so hard during dnd. He got his second strike.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:32 No.16390283
    >we fucked up bad
    >need someone to risk certain death to allow the rest of the group to escape
    >our war chanter turns to her follower
    >staring straight into the GMs eyes, her voice strong and steady, she gives a speech about heroism and sacrifice
    >puts hand on his shoulder
    >"I believe in you"
    >hand goes from the shoulder to a d20
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:34 No.16390305
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:34 No.16390309
    >all kobold game.
    >we're going through a warren full of kobold skeletons.
    >we come to a room stacked with walls and barricades. Made of kobold skeletons piled high.
    >One of our party approaches the wall, trying to move silently and get passed.
    >the DM mentions a thousand kobold skulls seem to be gazing at the character, though never moving an inch.
    >the DM makes 100 spot checks.
    >DM: "They're just inanimate skeletons. What're you so afraid of? They lay there motionless and unlifeless."
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:34 No.16390310
    I remember the first time I read that.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:35 No.16390327
    I only have so many stories.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:36 No.16390331
    >Cheapskate Hedge-wizard didnt want to spend his coin on supplies
    >Tries terrible jedi-mind trick to steal some bread
    >Fails, nearby guards are called.
    >Tried to mindtrick them and fails
    >Proceeds to steal bread by force, and runs out. In the ensuing chase, he breaks a leg.
    >Has right hand removed as punishment.
    >refuses to simply re-roll, and plays as a crippled, one armed, penniless shitwizard for the campaign, until finally being killed by the puniest of giant spiders.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:39 No.16390359
    >My party was pretty small, but I still DM'd and tossed in some NPC classes to fill their roster.
    >But namely, no magic caster. At all. Rogue + barbarian as players. So, when magic items were found they were worn and experimented with to find function
    >Rogue acquires Ring of Water Walking
    >After being covered in dirt and shit after the barbarian pissed off some unicorn-loving nymph, they come across a cliff.
    >Cliff is over a large lake, lapping at it's base
    >"My character checks the distance, then does a graceful swan dive into the cool water."
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:39 No.16390367
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    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:40 No.16390371
    Sounds like a dedicated RPer to me.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:40 No.16390382
    A swan with a broken neck.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:43 No.16390400
    If I remember right, his method of fighting the spiders consisted of fumbling some lamp oil, and spilling it on himself, before just giving up, and running at them.
    Admittedly, it was pretty entertaining watching the rest of the group struggle to drag the guy along, while his only combat ability was to slightly startle people, and light candles in a threatening manner.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:48 No.16390455
    Bumping for epic awesomness.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:49 No.16390463
    >Gurps 4th ed
    >New group. They don't know it. I intro it. We make a WoW campaign. (Yeah, YEAH. I KNOW.)
    >Spend a night and a half making their core abilities, low point value, but with whatever class abilities they want. A shadow priest and healing shaman. Woo. Complex shadow form and expensive healing GO.
    >I notice a 6 on the priest's sheet.... Overconfidence 6...
    >Try to talk him out of it.
    >"No, my character is a badass. He's my guy from the game."
    >Oh lord.
    >First encounter. Venture Co cutting down Ashenvaale trees.
    >Players are horde, they don't care
    >"Trespassing fee!" Players pause. "Failure to pay trespassing fee! Late fee! Late feet!" The bill is piling up. Annoying goblin shouting late fees at a trio of death knight, shaman, and priest.
    >Roll on overconfidence, bwuahaha, no, priest fails.
    >Player: "I got this shit."
    >Goblin is holding up a piece of paper. Priest strolls forward to look
    >As soon as he gets close, Shredder revves. Priest stands his ground, tries to intimidate. Tells party he "Has got this shit". Fails.
    >Receives Shredder blade in the gut.
    >Takes massive damage, passes out. Shredder pulls it's blade out. Goblins leave him for dead on the ground, tell party they can pay to come over for his body, or fight. Priest is bleeding to death.
    >Player jumps up, almost yelling "I have 4 DR to my chest, I wouldn't have passed out!!" his smile quickly fades as he realizes...
    >Other player looks at him in horror.
    >I crack a smile "Then the blade isn't pulled from your gut. Next turn, it deals damage again...."
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:49 No.16390468
    OK, I have gotten way too many laughs out of this thread not to contribute something

    >DM'ing a party of evil characters; lv. 18 by this point
    >A half-fiendish elven Ranger, human Monk/Sorcerer who specializes in whoring Magic Missile, and a batshit insane Necromancer.
    >They hear a rumour about an old labyrinth holding an Artifact said to unlock the gates of Celestia. Angels have been fucking with their schemes for a while, so they take the bait.
    >They go through the entire labyrinth on pins and needles, jumping at shadows and using Search every 10 feet, but don't encounter any traps or monsters. The further they go, the more panicked they get. DM's live for these moments.
    >They get to the Hallowed Chamber of the Key. They go over every inch of the room with fine-tooth combs and find no traps, but there is a moderate Divination aura.
    >They finally, with infinite caution, walk towards the dais on which lies the Key.
    >She tells them they have one chance to leave in peace before she goes sickhouse on their asses. (This was supposed to be the point where they GTFO and come up with a new strategy.)
    >They decide to fight.
    (Gettin' kinda long. Will continue next post. Trust me, the LOL moment is forthcoming.)
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:54 No.16390508
    >Start campaign in a dungeon, trapped there by Drow children
    >Rogue Pixie unlocks our cell
    >DM asks what we're gonna do now that we're free
    >Paladin states, completely seriously, "Lets kill those little fuckers! Let's go!"
    >has to be convinced NOT to murder children
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:55 No.16390521
    This one was just this week.

    >Player: So, the wine is magical?
    >Me: That's what the guy is saying, yeah.
    >Player: And it gives the user the ability to learn magic.
    >Me: Yep.
    >Player: I feed it to my bear.

    So began the adventures of the Witch-Bear of Middenheim.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)19:58 No.16390546
    >Werepanthers attacking town. Town guard has built fortifications around town square, using Inn as safehouse for wounded and command center.
    >Many dragons in party. Yes, I'm sorry tg. I let it happen. Bear with me. Power level was through the roof but players sucked so they still werent even that capable...
    >So, one of them gets infected. Giant werepanther in huge form on second floor of rickety inn. The inn is collapsing, party rushes up to deal with it.
    >One player had wished for 900 years of age, was a red dragon. Also a barbarian. Leads charge up the stairs, and before anyone else can stop him. "Alright, I go full form."
    >Colossal Red Dragon. In a collapsing second floor inn. Above the women, children, and wounded.
    >He killed 2 players and the town, effectively.
    >Almost quit the game out of guilt.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)20:00 No.16390568
    that is awesome
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)20:05 No.16390614
    Alright so was time to roll for random loot (My house rule, random encounter = random loot. I set the loot in set encounters. Woo funstuff.)

    >Roll literally, 4 100's in a row.
    >After I change my pants, I tell my party, they have found Schrödinger's chest. It has loot that will benefit them in a massive way, they can pick some minor loot they need at the time, and break reality. Because it is that lucky. The kicker is they need to get it open. (Figured the chest was part of the loot, some chest so well protected it would be well worth keeping for something campaign important to be protected in!)
    >Monk decides to try and do a breaking blow to break it open.
    >Trips a trap. An opaque magic stone cube forms around him. All sound stops, he is trapped with the chest on the ground, having done this in the middle of the street in town.
    >Chest also summons a barbed devil.
    >Defeats it luckily with some command spells and is stuck inside. Bored. Decides to drink some Cyclops Swill he found, which he already knew causes explosive diarrhea.
    >He receives explosive diarrhea.
    >He cleans himself off with Create Water.
    >We note the cube doesn't vanish for 38 hours. We point out, the water has no where to go.

    24 hours later.

    >By this point the monk, who has finished his Cyclops Swill, is wading thigh deep in shitty water.
    >Having communicated with him through a telepath in the party, they figured out what happened and knew it would fade later that day. They did not know about the shitty water.
    >Party members + town guard waiting for the trap to fall when its about to dispel.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)20:06 No.16390624
    Neutral/evil group. Cleric is a slaver, wants to take the caveman we just beat as a slave. Asks monk to hold him down while cleric applies manacles. Monk snaps caveman's neck. Shitstorm and tzeench level planning ensues.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)20:07 No.16390625

    >Nat 20
    >On a skill check

    Pro baby
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)20:08 No.16390639
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    Thank you for returning me to my people." Says the elf queen.
    "Is there anything I can do for yo-"
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)20:09 No.16390646
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    >>"My character checks the distance, then does a graceful swan dive into the cool water."
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)20:11 No.16390660
    What shitty luck.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)20:12 No.16390670
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    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)20:16 No.16390702
    Same monk. Same chest

    >Inside the chest, in a room you can enter of the room you opened it in.
    >Kinda harry potter which lock you unlock unlocks another room, and inside THAT room is hidden the treasure / contents of that section.
    >Monk finds a staff.
    >Has one level in cleric, does his identifyin' on it. Detects necromancy.
    >Tries out a random spell, aimed at the wall at the far end of the room.

    Random roll...
    >Circle of Death

    The other player wasn't even in the room irl, comes back in.
    >So, when you enter the chest-room he is in, you find his corpse, and a purple and black staff..

    Oh, memories...
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)20:17 No.16390709
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    Well, technically they're Lawful Evil, right? So fair game for the paladin.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)20:17 No.16390710
    >group nearly cornered by a pyromancer
    >instead of fighting back, they run
    >"What are you doing?"
    >"Is that a fact?"
    >(casts wall of fire in only exit)
    >three PCs in unison, doing their best four year old impressions:
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)20:23 No.16390753
    >Rogue dies in a trap
    >DM lets her ghost tag along until we get her rez'd
    >My ranger is distraught at her death but keeps going
    >We need a bluff check done, rogue would help a lot.
    >My ranger to her ghost, prior to her possessing her
    "I want you inside me."
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)20:24 No.16390756
    >Players in sliders game. Trapped on radiation heavy world. As in 50-200 rad dosages happening daily. Sometimes multiple in a day
    >Other player runs for a portal he was warned he would die through. Meets a mother-lovin Doctor Who Weeping Angel.
    >Other party members follow "Well, my char wouldn't know about the angel, Alonzy!"
    >All but one of the party left on radiation world.

    This party member was a zergling on crack. Regens like a mother. Has NOTHING against radiation.

    >Zergling has a bad dose day 1, decides to wait for NPC.
    >Tells me he won't leave until it really begins to hurt.
    >He keeps accumulating more radiation, and more radiation, but critically succeeding the rolls to not be affected, or even pained by it.
    >His own critical SUCCESSES end up killing him, as by not feeling the pain of the radiation burning his organs up, his rad level goes high enough, he just ends up dying when he finally does join the others in the past of wherever the angel sent them.... dies painfully and ungracefully.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)20:31 No.16390792
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    I love this, I want so badly to pull it off in game now.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)20:32 No.16390807
    Finish your story, dude
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)20:35 No.16390829

    >Explain to player how paradox works. Reality breaks you back when you break it
    >Trying to get in building with 2 police guards. Hiding by 7-11
    >Player was literally, a ghostbuster. Pack and everything. Decides to distract cops when they're both looking, by knocking on the 7-11 window to get the clerks to look, firing a beam across the busy road to the building they're watching, to hit their squadcar.
    >All npcs see it. As do 8 passing motorists. As this is daylight, sun setting but still close to daylight.
    >took a merit so he takes double paradox but cannot fail....
    >His paradox was in the low 40's.without the merit...
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)20:40 No.16390857
    > Playing a gurps 1930 mobs campaign with supernatural elements
    >DM think i'm that guy just because my first character was a woman. Now i'm playing a man.
    >DM actually refers to me as 'That Guy'. Rage burns silently behind my smile.
    > Daughter of rival mob leader is captured, we suspect her brother is a wizard of somekind. People wants to torture her for info.
    >I decides to fucking be that guy, so they kick me out anyway. Suggest we torture her by raping.
    >They agreed reluctant.
    > I start describing with unecessary detail how I tear her clothes.
    >DM plays along (wtf)
    >Players (all the other 3) play along
    >Before I know it, she's being gang banged with explicit descriptons.
    >Suddenly realizes everybody on the table is 'that guy'.
    >DM keeps letting us do that, and even describing her painfull screams and moans.
    >Suddenly, Demons everywhere.
    >TPK in three turns, as we were out of guns.
    >Girls becomes slaanesh, I guess. I survive without legs.
    >She rapes my character. Nt details, DM just announces it. Then kills him.
    >DM says he doesnt want to see us ever again. Plitely show us the door.
    > All my respect for hum.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)20:42 No.16390875
    That character's mother suddenly lost stretch marks and became a crazy cat lady, regreting that she never had children.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)20:50 No.16390934
    haha wow
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)20:50 No.16390938
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    >In a temple devoted to some water god.
    >Filled with nymphs and mermaids.
    >My Bard, Drake, decides he wants to try and seduce one of the mermaids.
    DM: "Okay, using your knowledge of mermaids, you know that they have a thing for sailors."
    Me: "Is there a dinghy nearby?
    DM: "Yes, would you like to try and use it?"
    Me: "Hell yeah!"
    DM: "Drake hops into the dinghy and starts rowing towards a small group of mermaids. Unfortunately, there's no water in this part of the temple and the sound of you forcing the wooden boat across the stone echoes around the cavernous temple. The noise is akin to nails on a chalkboard. Drake finally stops in front of the mermaids, what would you like to say?"
    Me: "Laaaaaaaaadies."

    We had to break for five minutes because the table was in hysterics.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)20:51 No.16390943
    >the punchline is rape
    >on /tg/
    >very original
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)20:53 No.16390964
    This one got me.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)20:56 No.16390993
    >Unfortunately, there's no water in this part of the temple and the sound of you forcing the wooden boat across the stone echoes around the cavernous temple. The noise is akin to nails on a chalkboard.

    Oh god yes!


    [Spolier]Contain your orgasms[/Spoiler]
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)20:58 No.16391010
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    It's not often I get to use this pic...
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)20:58 No.16391012
    >4e group, meet the new bad guy!
    >He's an illithid, likes to use his amazing powers to make other horrible monsters.
    >Our group has never seen an illithid, what a horrifying squid face!
    >Monk approaches the beast.
    >Monk tickles his face-tentacles.
    >"Spaghetti chiiiiin!"
    >DM doesn't know how to react.

    Eventually he made us fight his werewolf.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)21:01 No.16391046
    >Playing GURPs alternate Earths one shot at a con
    >Wild nazis dimension hoppers appear
    >As the only guy with decent decieve I convince them that we are also Nazis from a parallel dimension where Hitler united the world with his magnificent artwork
    >What follows is close to an hour of semi-awkward and highly racist rhetoric between me and the Nazi Lieutenant as he brings us to their base in hopes of building a trans-dimensional alliance

    I couldn't laugh about it then but afterwards realizing how over the top offensive me and the DM ended up being kept me going for a while.
    >> Frosted Weasel !!dLUhj2yYgMt 09/22/11(Thu)21:02 No.16391054
    >Playing 4e DnD
    >Ambushed by drakes
    >Fighter is squaring off with one the whole fight
    >Fight has lasted about 15-25 minutes, neither the fighter nor the drake scoring a hit
    >Rest of party has killed all but one other drake
    >Second drake flanks fighter
    >Fighter turns, attacks flanking drake
    >Crit, kills flanker
    >Turns back to original drake
    >"Back to you, motherfucker!"

    We laughed a good 10 minutes at that. Someone finally put the little bastard out of its misery, and the fighter's player b'aww-ed a bit.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)21:09 No.16391106
    ...He crossed the fucking streams, didn't he.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)21:10 No.16391126
    I've been in that situation before, Barbarian versus a juvenile mammoth. It devolved into a pushing match with the barbarian holding its tusks; then the two wore themselves out and became friends, as was the DM's edict after 5 rounds where the party just sat and watched these two pushing each other without lending a hand. It was an odd session.
    >> Forever GM -_- 09/22/11(Thu)21:10 No.16391129

    This is one of the rare times I will actually read something off /tg/ to my girlfriend and she will appreciate it fully.

    How did he fare with the mermaids?
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)21:11 No.16391142
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    >playing dnd for the first time ever
    >I'm a human monk
    >the party encounters my character for the first time
    >DM goes into a minute long description of my character's awe inspiring beard and how raw energy crackles through it

    Gotta admit, I laughed my ass off, I'm looking forward to playing again
    >> Johnny Ridden !tyRw75WsKs 09/22/11(Thu)21:14 No.16391165
    Well my night has just been made.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)21:14 No.16391173
    Star Wars D20 game.

    Troupe is investigating a small farming community where livestock are being killed, barns torn apart, and people killed. My character was a 14 year old scout with dreams of traveling the start in order to kick evil in the butt. After an argument (and a few rounds of combat) with another character, she heads off alone to investigate the mayor while the rest of the group investigates the church.

    I arrive at the mayor's house where his horse is tied up outside. I head inside to find the place completely empty, except for a ceiling hook with an empty skin that looks like the mayor. As I head back outside to go tell the others, I get surprise attacked, it's the horse. It headbutts me through the back wall of the shanty, then tries to trample me. Then the GM says
    >OK, I'm not sure how this works, but he horse has improved martial arts...

    we need a good 10 minutes to stop laughing before we got back to the game.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)21:18 No.16391204

    You could say he...

    Made it to port.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)21:18 No.16391209
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    >Fighter and rogue argue over some sneaky sneaky plan to break into a fortress
    >Fighter wants to be the distraction that will allow him past the front gates, rogue says he'll be a liability
    >"Fine, why won't you let me help?"
    >"Because you're loud and obnoxious and you won't be able to keep their attention!"
    >"Then why are you arguing with me about it?"
    >"Because you won't SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT"
    >"I rest my case."
    >Fighter's face when the rogue realizes he's been tied up in this argument for the past ten minutes.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)21:24 No.16391274
    Talk wife into playing D&D with us. It's the first time she's ever rolled dice. Make a Dwarf fighter for her.
    Our party is infiltrating a Gnoll camp to rescue prisoners.
    We sneak over wall and creep up on shack we hope has the prisoners. She asks if she can run through the wall. We chuckle a bit, remind her the door is right there. She'd still like to try, the DM has her roll a STR check.
    Nat 20.
    We laugh, DM says she makes a perfect Dwarf sized hole in the side of the cabin. Fast forward to later in the encounter. The Gnoll Chieftain steps out of his tent and hefts it's triple headed flail.
    DM asks the wife, "What do you do?
    Wife pantomimes hitting her axe into the palm of her hand, "I'm going to make a Dwarf sized hole in him."
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)21:26 No.16391296
    Reminded me of my one, and only, experience in a Star Wars game.

    >I'm GMing
    >three players as storm troopers
    >"As you stand waiting for orders, a man in a black cloak comes. As you turn to l-"
    >Player shouts "ASSASSIN! I fire at him."
    >I'm feeling generous, allow him to roll
    >Natural 20
    >I say that "in the spirit of fun, I will roll with it, if I roll ANYTHING except a 1, his attack fails."
    >"Shock fills the room as the emperor's body slumps to the floor. Lord Vader now takes command of the Empire."

    It only lasted a couple sessions, but it was pretty fun.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)21:27 No.16391317
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    >Party is trying to assassinate evil aristocrat
    >At a party said aristocrat is hosting
    >Everyone forced to go unarmed
    >Rogue and Bard have hidden weapons because fuck that
    >Guards checking the guests feels the Bard's dagger
    "Sir, is that a dagger?"
    "No, I'm just happy to see you."
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)21:32 No.16391360
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    >> Emergency Chair Warmer 09/22/11(Thu)21:33 No.16391366
    >Playing in a game with friends
    >One friend is talking about his backstory
    >Village destroyed by Tiamat
    >Finds his grandfather's old necklace in wreckage
    >Thinks about his grandfather's hat
    >Describes how a semisolid, semiliquid version of said hat appears on his head.
    > "So...it's a jello hat?"

    We found it hilarious, ended up becoming the equivalent of a meme for our group.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)21:33 No.16391371
    "But I'm touching your shoulder."

    >bard leans in, whispers next to his ear
    "I'm VERY happy to see you"
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)21:34 No.16391383
    >I'm running my third or fourth session of 4e
    >power gamer of the group playing warlord
    >players finish quest and return to town for reward
    >"I should get a bonus since I'm a warlord"
    >*pokerface* Not happening
    >he grabs his d20 "Im going to roll an intimidate check to get the bonus I deserve"
    >DM= Pokerface other players= Rage
    >"think about what your do..."
    >He rolls the dice
    >"congrats you rolled a 4 nothing happens"
    >Power gamer stands up knocks everything off table
    >"I am a Goddamn warlord Im like fucking george washington and your screwing me over cause all these other guys suck fuck your Dming, fuck you guys, fuck 4e"
    >lol'd out loud in his face told him to GTFO
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)21:38 No.16391442
    did this to my friends once. they were all playing star wars saga edition while me and another friend played some magic while my character, Twilek Scoundrel, was looting the Imperial ship they took for info. Friends spend like 15 minutes arguing how to get past a guard tower and 2 on-ground stormtroopers, i get up, sit down at the table, have my character walk up in Imperial officer garb i found, order the guards to do perimeter checks for the rest of my group under penalty of VADER, they walk right in while i take over NPC duties for the DM who is laughing like a bitch along with half the table. Good times. Good times.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)21:41 No.16391478
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    >Party in a city-based 4e D&D game are sneaking into a steampunk newspaper company to replace a (true) story that might cast their party in a negative light
    >They are a cockney child rogue, a human pitfighter, and a gnome artificer who totes around a magical tome of his family's history that is also an encyclopedia, that also acts as a focus for all his (refluffed) spells
    >Thief on sneaking, story swapping detail
    >Gnome on distraction, pitfighter on mop-up
    >Gnome enters through the front door, LOUDLY
    >Starts LOUDLY talking to receptionist about how he wants his family history printed in the paper
    >Slams tome down on desk
    >"The GREAT HISTORY of the vonSpielhelm family shall not be unabridged!"
    >I, the DM, ask him to roll bluff. He INSISTS that this is a diplomacy roll. I yield to logic.
    >He does fairly well.
    >The secretary decides, to humor him, she'll flip through the book
    >The book which acts as a focus for his offensive spells
    >Dice are rolled.
    >She opens up the book to "C" for "Cannon"

    >Half a second later, the receptionist is sans-head, all the writers, clerics, and pencil-pushers are running screaming out of the building, and the gnome is the best distraction ever

    >> The long-awaited return of Gateway !A0rZLfg4Oc 09/22/11(Thu)21:42 No.16391491
    Laughed my balls off.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)21:47 No.16391554

    He got slapped and the Paladin asked him to stay outside while the party discusses the protection of the temple's holy symbol with the priestesses.

    This turned out well, because five minutes later my Bard ran inside screaming about the fucking invasion force heading towards us.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)21:48 No.16391561
    So, uh...now that you're a woman and all, you wanna go do something some time?
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)21:50 No.16391594
    >"For the last time, that Jack of All Trades feat does NOT let you make a Profession (Owlbearologist) check!"
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)21:52 No.16391619

    glorious -2 to leadership?
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)21:55 No.16391652
    Not so much something the character said, rather his actions.

    It's my first time DMing Call of Cthulhu and the party's first time playing. They're all on edge, worried something might make them roll Sanity or jump out and kill them.

    The adventure was the one from the back of the game book, with the haunted house. The party is checking the rooms on the second floor, carefully looking inside each room.
    Last bedroom, I make sure to tell them that the curtains are closed.
    One of the players charges across the room and flings open the curtains.

    The room floods with daylight, just in time to see the bed fly across the room and slam the character through the window and out the second story.

    He would have died if those rose bushes weren't there.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)21:56 No.16391661
    >staring straight into the GMs eyes
    >her voice strong and steady
    >puts hand on his shoulder
    >"I believe in you"

    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)21:57 No.16391671
    >He would have died if those rose bushes weren't there.
    Aww, you softie, you.

    The flying bed always gets 'em. Got me the first I played too.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)21:59 No.16391696
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    I heard you guys dealt with this loony, so I started coming here.

    I gmed for him.

    For those who don't know the story, I got on his (let's call him justin) case for always making moralfag characters. In the campaign in question, he was making a ninja.

    He had the idea of a stealthy assassin with some minor magic, and I saw what I anticipated to be a shitty naruto knockoff. When he asked if he could have escrima sticks, I kinda felt assured he was going to go the 'non-lethal takedown good-guy' route, but didn't have the energy to call him on continued white knighting.

    Then he said five words that haunt me to this day-

    "Called shot to the asshole!"
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)22:03 No.16391719
    "Last weeks game wasn't as fun with Greg as DM we all died during that encounter with the red elder wrym but after we beat it we jump from level 4 to level 9"

    "The Fuck!?"
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)22:04 No.16391745

    This is the same party that did an adventure in Egypt and only survived because they rolled 20's.

    The had been tracking a group of cultists and finally came to the tomb of an Eldritch horror. They were geared up with Frankincense and Carob wood that were garlic and stakes to the abomination.
    The seal of the tomb was breaking apart as the party fought against the spawn, tentacles flailing about and generally bashing around the PCs. One lone PC was able to slip past the tentacles and get to the tomb.
    He had to stake the entity with a Carob stake to seal it again, he was short so couldn't fully reach. He made the roll to keep his balance and lean over the edge to stab the creature.
    Upon stabbing the creature it let out a piercing shriek and he lost his balance, luckily one of the party members had gotten up behind him and rolled a 20 to grab at the investigator's feet and keep him from falling in.
    A flailing tentacle knocked the second investigator off balance.
    The third investigator had reached them at this point and with two 20's for reflexes and strength managed to grab both their ankles and yank them out of the tomb just as the stone slab fell down on top and sealed away the abomination.

    God damn, those investigators were awesome.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)22:23 No.16391902
    >GM is running Nocturnum but modified it for BRP
    >We're at the part where the investigators to to Georgia and have to stop the swamp from eating up the town
    >Get attacked by swamp monsters while staying in that psychic lady's house
    >The Elkhoff kid, the most powerful psychic in town and probably the world, is getting dragged off by the monsters
    >After a few rounds of combat one of our group gets separated trying to save the kid
    >The only way he can escape is by going out a window
    >He jumps out with the kid. The GM asks him to make an agility roll
    >100 (Automatic fail in percentage systems)
    >"Okay, roll again. If you fail again something horrible is gonna happen."
    >100 again.

    He survived the fall but only because he wound up landing on the kid, killing him. That event has become synonymous with bad rolls among our group.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)22:23 No.16391904

    Heh, just played that one last month. The GM was kind enough to give us a hint at the start of the game.

    "No, burning down the house this time won't work."
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)22:33 No.16391983
    Playing Call of Cthulhu 1920. I had a lawyer that started with 30 less sanity then the rest of the group and rolled lowest for income. Decided that he had a nervous break years before the game. So while he was fairly good at his job, nobody affluent would hire him and he sometimes worked for chickens. Refused to go inside his home, because "There's a Ouija Board in there. That means it's haunted." Stuttered, never raised my voice above library whisper.

    Second time time we played, two PC's fall into the bottom of a burned down church and find an tome made out of something odd. They roll, can't figure out what it is. My character climbs down after the mention of a book. GM has me roll to see if I can tell what it is as they hand it to me. Pass, turns out it's human flesh. I instantly shout at the other player, "THANKS FOR THE CREEPY ASS BOOK!" Swear to god two people jumped up from the table.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)22:36 No.16391995
    burning brightly?

    I remember that book, it introduced me to shadowrun, I thoroughly enjoyed it despite the gary stu protagonist
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)22:39 No.16392019
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    >"The avalanche is gaining on you ,Urist. The rest of the party has escaped. But your full plate a and tiny legs are slowing you down."
    >"I stop running, turn around and brace my self."
    >"lul k. now what?"
    >"Intimidate check"
    20, 20
    And that shit rolled right the fuck back up that mountain.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)22:41 No.16392044
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    >> CĂș Chulainn 09/22/11(Thu)22:42 No.16392051
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    Congrats, you win the thread.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)22:45 No.16392092
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    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)22:47 No.16392116
    >Dungeon crawlan
    >Rogue is on trap duty
    >Fumbles twice on some really nasty traps, taking the party down to bloodied before we even get to kill anything
    >Noise alerts a bunch of bugbears who come charging in and fuck up the party some more
    >Battle goes on forever
    >After they're finally dispatched, the Fighter turns to the Wizard and asks him to cast Enlarge Weapon on only one of his gauntlets.
    >Wizard is puzzled but does it anyway.
    >The Fighter then turns around and than proceeds to bitchslap the Rogue through a wall.


    >Vaguely nordic themed campaign
    >Party Lizardman Barbarian is having trouble with the colder climates making him cranky and sluggish
    >Find a cave to try and take shelter in as a storm is brewing
    >Bear inside
    >Lizardman charges it without waiting for the rest of the party and starts wrestling it
    >Collective facepalm
    >Three rounds later he actually manages to blind it and tear out its throat with nothing but his claws and teeth
    >Entire party is gobsmacked

    Later in the same game the party used freeze-thaw to drop a cliff on an enemy encampment.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)23:02 No.16392240
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    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)23:03 No.16392245
    >Playing Lawful Good 2' Warforge Cleric
    >Sounds like Beemo

    "If you know how to deal with them, then /kill them/."
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)23:07 No.16392271
    a centipede flipped over
    your answer is better though
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)23:09 No.16392286
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    I want one
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)23:12 No.16392314
    >retconning just to be a dick to a player

    Yeah, nah, you're a cunt.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)23:14 No.16392325
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    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)23:16 No.16392343
    He may have been dickish -about- it, but that wasn't the sole reason for doing it. The player wanted a do-over because he forgot he had a feature. He granted it, and proceeded with the goblin's initial plan: Chainsawing a motherfucker in the guts until they looked dead.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)23:25 No.16392420
    >play a cleric, crazy old priest style
    >whip out the pipe and tobacco in middle of dungeon
    >blow a smoke ring
    >"DM, what's the DC on this?"
    >"DC15 wisdom"
    >nat 20
    >blow a smoke dragon, that delivers a touch of healing to the party's spellcaster

    I'm sorry my story can't be as awesome as your guys', but we've only just started.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)23:34 No.16392502
    >Random Magical effect turns party evil warlock into a ring temporarily
    >Party ranger puts on the ring for safekeeping
    >There are some civilians that the party has to save.
    >Warlock goes "Wait, can't I possess his mind or something?"
    >Sure, why not?
    >I make him kill the civilians
    >He beats his will defense with his intimidate, Neutral Good Ranger's mind is muddled and he is compelled to start firing arrows into the civilians heads.
    >> Anonymous 09/22/11(Thu)23:39 No.16392563
    Gave a speech to inspire the populace of a recently razed major city.

    Stand up, thump my chest, tell them that it is WE who owe the honour of fighting by their side, candle against the darkness, bastion of hope and civilization, heroes each and all. I carry on for some time like this, the DM throws on a little music in the backround that slowly grows louder, and louder.

    Eventually I give a great cry and stave in the barrel of ale I have a leg on with my hammer. ITS TIME TO PARTY (and can I build a tavern over there)
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)00:08 No.16392847
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    The only one I remember is The Rise and Fall of Nevin Kash (feat. The Amazons from Hell), but I don't have the screencap on this computer.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)00:11 No.16392882
    Not in game but my group was waiting for some people to show up so we could start our first Deathwatch game one day. We were sitting around talking and smoking our pipes when the conversation turned to Space Marine chapters. I was playing a Dark Angel and one of the other guys was a Space Wolf and we got in a little in-character argument. The GM eventually asked me if I knew why the two chapters had their rivalry.

    Then out of fucking nowhere there's this huge clap of thunder (really weird considering it was a nice day) and I just sit back, take a long drag off of my pipe and, in the most grizzled voice I could muster, say "Sit down, Anon, and let me tell you a story..."

    I still can't figure out why that thunder happened.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)00:18 No.16392940
    >Game of DnD
    >DM describes a ship being built by dwarves with a metal hull
    >That Guy: What kind of ship are you building?
    >Dwarves: "It's a ship."
    >That Guy: "A flying kind of ship?"
    >Dwarves: "It's a --\ship/--."
    >That Guy: "A submarine sort of ship?"
    >DM is about to flip his shit because he has been dealing with this chump for about an hour asking questions just as stupid.
    >Gamer Bro: "IT'S A FLYING SUBMARINE!"
    >DM looks at Gamer Bro like he just offered him an entire pitcher of ice cold water in the middle of the Sahara.
    >Everyone busts out laughing except that guy.
    >He still doesn't know what kind of ship it is, doesn't share the laugh, but shuts up because he's slowly realizing he's being a chump.
    Everything turned out better than expected.jpg
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)00:19 No.16392945
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    >I'm a human fighter
    >buddy is a Gorilla
    >Fighting dragon.
    >Can't fucking hit it because it keeps flying out of reach.
    >"Throw me at it."
    >Throw me at the fucking Dragon.
    >Brorilla picks my character up and throws me at the dragon.
    >Ride dragon corpse to the ground.
    >GM can't type for 30 minutes because he's laughing so hard.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)00:20 No.16392949
    >Old school D&D 2e game
    >The wizard played by THAT GUY falls into a green slime trap
    >we continue adventuring--he contributes a bit here and there with spells he'll never rememorize
    >finish the dungeon, everyone gets granted a wish
    >"I wish for all my shit back."
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)00:20 No.16392952
    >Party in a oceanside city
    >Party goes shopping, low on food supplies, buys a bunch of fish
    >Meanwhile the wizard convinces the rouge to steal a octupus because he could not afford it.
    >Much, much later
    >party is ambushed by a group of goblins, but the wizard is not noticed by them
    >Wizard puts the octopus on his head, steps out from behind his cover and rolls for intimidate

    We had to take an hour break because we were laughing too hard
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)00:22 No.16392968
    >Chaotic Good barbarian pays a peasant in a small village a lot of money to have a bridge built there.
    >Returns later, there's no bridge, the money has been spent.
    >Walks up to the guy he gave the money to, picks him up off the ground and shouts "WHERE'S MY BRIDGE?"
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)00:22 No.16392973
    I'm a first time DM so many many years ago who doesn't have a clue on how to wing it.

    Dm: okay, as you emerge from the underground river you see an endless vista of fog.

    Player: Okay, I keep moving along.

    DM: More fog.

    Player: how far does this fog go for?

    DM: A pretty long way. I haven't mapped it yet.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)00:25 No.16392996
    >Pardon me good sailor, but you seem to have run out of water.
    "Baby, that's just how I row"
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)00:34 No.16393065
    Reposting something I deleted, because I realize I left out a critical detail.

    In a Final Fantasy tabletop.

    >GM: You come across a lone, tall Kupo Nut tree as you pass through the field. The nuts are ripe but very high up and hard to reach.
    >Guy playing moogle: Hell yes! Let's see... What's the best way to get them down. Can I roll Insight?
    >GM: Sure.
    >Guy playing moogle rolls a critical failure.
    >GM: Clearly the best course of action is to seduce the tree.
    >GPM: Rolling it!
    >GPM rolls a critical success.
    >GM: ...The moogle goes up to the tree and whispers sweet nothings into its bark. To the utter astonishment of everyone witnessing this act, three kupo nuts detach from the branches above him and land at his feet.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)00:36 No.16393079
    Well... you've already heard my stories of wonder golems or immortal mountain killers so I figure I'll explain how I broke the DMs Mary Sue super dragon.

    So, Mary, the sueish super dragon is a LE black dragon who somewhere near the dawn of time came up with a plan to make himself and a bunch of other dragons (one of each color) immortal by fusing them with human souls or something crazy like that. Technically they die when the human does and the human ages normally but they just come back a few years later attached to another human. They've done this dozens of times throughout history and are centuries old since they take good care of each human they're bound to.

    Thing is, he gets more out of this deal than they do. At least, that's the idea. He can sort of siphon off their powers in times of need. It's a power with a harmless save so they have to be willing but once they let him do it they can't just take it back, he gets that extra mojo till they all kick the bucket again and regenerate.

    Everyone in this campaign has one of those dragons bound to them. Everyone except for me. I decided to simply be some guy. I work for Mary. Mary doesn't pay me well, nearly got my character's wife killed, forces me to put up with unending amounts of annoyance at the hands of the party, and has apparently been lying to me the whole time.

    So I came up with a plan to get back at my employer.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)00:37 No.16393083
    >Playing Pathfinder
    >Infernal Sorcerer who uses his charisma to seduce ladies of all kinds and creeds (which eventually fucked me over, no pun intended, by resulting in hundreds of women dying from bearing my flaming demon children who were then amassed into an army by another demon lord. Long story)
    >Other players joking around about it, talking about what kinds of women I may acquire
    >Somehow get on subject of the kinds of horrors I must see
    >"Dude, she's got teeth in her vagina. In her vagina, man!"
    >"So? She's got teeth in her mouth too."
    >Most fun character to play ever
    >> Fool who bears the Name of Freedom. 09/23/11(Fri)00:37 No.16393087
    So I just pictured this in my head. It was the funniest thing ever.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)00:38 No.16393092

    DnD bard using the power of music to pay for our rooms at the inn.

    "Give us the room for free, dah dum! Give us the room for free! Give us the room for free dah dum! Give us the room for FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE."
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)00:42 No.16393117
    >Playing l5r
    >Party is pretty balanced, we have a fighter dude, a caster dude, a face, and a duelist.
    >GM decides it is time for ADVENTURES ON THE HIGH SEA.
    >This makes the Duelist depressed as pirates aren't big on honorable duels,
    >Caught in bad waters, a Tsunami like wave is on it's way.
    >Shugenja tries to calm the water spirits, is told she needs to impress the water spirit in some way.
    >"I challenge the water to a duel".
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)00:45 No.16393135
    I demand an archive.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)00:48 No.16393168
    So me and several of the others who don't like Mary very much consider how we can put him in his place. We eventually come to decide that this must end in a dragon fight. Thing is, none of their dragons want to do it. He is the biggest and the strongest. They won't win the fight without taking losses.

    So, we default to the plan where we supercharge one of the dragons, only to find out that only a black dragon can benefit from the ritual involved and guess who pretty much offed the rest of his kind so that they couldn't pull that trick and kill him?

    Well, we all get very quiet as we struggle to find some way to adequately kill this dude (and probably derail everything horribly). Eventually come up with a question. "Does the ritual say the black dragon has to be alive?" DM trollfaces hard. "Nope, but it's not like you're gonna find corpses from a species that's been dead for thousands of years all that easily."

    >Mary regenerates every hundred years at best, right?
    >DM: Yeah
    >So he's died before
    >DM: Countless times
    >And left corpses behind
    >DM: Sure...oh fuck no

    Thus began the plan to kill Mary with a stitched together multi-headed semiskeletal part zombie black dragon abomination made from his own corpses and fueled by the rest of the dragons.

    We've begun construction.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)01:05 No.16393296
    That sounds fucking awesome (the skeletal golem superhydradragon that is) but...

    How did you end up in a game with such a god-fucking-awful GM?
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)01:09 No.16393327
    We need drawfags in this thread, right now.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)01:13 No.16393365
    My friends and I tried D&D out at our apartment once, pretty much our first time ever, and the only time I've DM'd anything. One moment that I remember;

    >party fighting tons of goblins
    >brief respite, followed by a little bit of sneaking around
    >they come into a room with another goblin
    >Bro playing the Dwarf Cleric notices for the first time that he can speak Common and Dwarven
    >Asks the Goblin, in Dwarven: "Are you a Dwarf?"
    >Goblin: "Fuck you."
    >Cleric charges across the room and cuts his head off

    We had a good laugh.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)01:16 No.16393391
    >My players in underground lair of Duregar Cultists
    >Interrupt a sacrificial ritual and kill all Duregar
    >Ritual was SUPPOSED to be completed
    >Tied up Duregar on slab next to ceremonial dagger.
    Impulsive Player: "I stab the dagger into the Duergar."
    Serious Business Player: "Are we really going to complete the dark ritual we just stopped?"
    Quiet Player (aside): "What're you, a pussy?"
    Serious Business Player: "...Give me that dagger."
    >Things worked out after all
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)03:20 No.16394376
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    DM: "There's very low light in the abandoned church, not many details can be made up. The party does notice something rectangular sitting on the floor, it's small and easily held in one hand."
    Party: "I don't know...this sounds like another book that will make us insane just by reading the cover. Alright! Let's have the blind guy pick it up and carry it!"
    DM: "You sure that's what you want to do?"
    Blind PC: "I'm blind, I pick up the book and giggle at-"
    DM cutting in: "The book's written in braille."
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)03:32 No.16394500
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    >> PurgatoryGuy 09/23/11(Fri)03:34 No.16394522
    Necroing this thread, as I just got home.

    Told this story to TG once before, and its worth telling again. The tale of Pooka the Dwarf!

    Pooka was a dwarf barbarian of 6 int I rolled for a one to four shot campaign through mirc here. Feeling meh, I rolled randomly on our gm's bloodlines, and got jungle dwarf. Essentially a slave race of dwarves and we were starting in an evil ish town, since the primary old players were more evil-bent. In this game we all got to choose an heirloom semi-artifact, basing off other artifacts or wondrous items.

    Me, I was feeling a symbol of death. So I asked for simply a symbol of death tattooed on my back, and a keen greataxe as my primary two pieces of gear. Pooka wouldn't even know what his tattoo was of, just that it was cool! The DM told me the town would know what was on my back and would make sure I kept it covered in town, so it'd be really gimped as I'd have to take off my light armor to bear it. But nah, wasn't about power. Was about class.

    And Pooka was class. You will see this.

    So, Pooka first is introduced to the party as I witness some fellow dwarves being forced to duel on their masters' behalves. Being the haughty dwarf that I am, I throw down my axe and join the brawl to stop the fight, being as I am not a slave, just a minority.
    >> PurgatoryGuy 09/23/11(Fri)03:35 No.16394533
    The nobles send in more slaves, and while the DM expected the party to save my butt, they didn't. I hold no grudge, it would have been metagaming. I did quite well considering there were 11 total including the original two, but eventually I was knocked out. The nobles then stripped me of everything but my cloak, my 'father's axe' as I put it, and my tattoo obviously, and exiled me into the forest. The party went on to investigate a silver dragon which had claimed the town for his own, claiming to want to purge our evil ways and free us. Pooka felt he sounded like a douche but was going to free his people, couldn't complain, and went happily to live in the forest.

    Now, as the party was making pretty legitimate progress, so I'm told, I was stranded in the forest. Luckily, pooka had his cloak. Not needing to hide his special tattoo, he tore up the cloak to make a man-skirt and harness, which the DM happily informed me was worth no AC or camoflague. But, I wasn't nude. And thus, I began raiding caravans from the town and stealing kegs of whatever I could find from roadside inns, and running from guards on horseback. Pooka the Dwarven Jungleman, "Pooka will rise again" as I called out.

    Eventually, however, I must have irked the silver dragon's minions, as one was sent to deal with me, unknown to me! He snuck up upon my camp, and spotted my backside, HRCH. Deaded. On the spot.

    My dwarf found the pansy half dragon thing, and promptly looted his body and stripped what resources he could from him before putting him in a ditch grave. AND THEN he realized... "I didn't kill this bastard..."
    >> PurgatoryGuy 09/23/11(Fri)03:36 No.16394537

    Thus, Pooka sets down the road of Tiamat worship, proclaiming himself a priest of Tiamat and aiming to be a cleric. The GM laughs, and informs me I can take no cleric levels unless I get back into town, and even then finding a cleric who would teach me The ways of the five headed dragon queen. BUT THOSE ARE JUST DETAILS to Pooka!

    So, leveling as a barbarian thinking he was a cleric of Tiamat, he continued on his way. Telling his victims that Tiamat is just misunderstood and was a goddess of good, as she was protecting him from the evil silver dragon in the region.

    Finally, Pooka was due to be reunited with the party. Upon ambushing another caravan, it was a trap for Pooka. Another half dragon out to gut him, but as the foe wheeled around behind to backstab the poor dwarf, HRCH. Deaded. "Pooka will rise again, Tiamat's Blessed Dwarf!"

    >You can almost feel Tiamat's five headaches, no?

    The party came up upon this battle as it was resolving, unable to help, they did see this... dwarf thing... was capable, and coerced him to come with them to investigate the silver dragon. Provided he could preach to them, telling them how great and goodly tiamat truly is, while they tried to assure him she was the bringer of apocolypse.
    >> PurgatoryGuy 09/23/11(Fri)03:36 No.16394546
    Good times.

    However, the best was the finale. The symbol of death was down to 2 hp, just decoration now, but Pooka flaunted it with pride. However, the party missed some important social interplay it seems, as their quest giver traps us in his lair, and turns into the silver dragon.

    Pooka has initiative! Flying leap over the dragon to get behind him with a jumping attack.

    >"The dragon snarls, Frightful Presence, will save Pooka."
    >"You drop your axe"

    At this point, my PARTY points out "He was jumping OVER the dragon, couldn't it..."
    >"Fair enough. Roll for even a chance to hit."

    I roll a 20. DM Tells me to attack as normal. 19, 20, 20.
    >DM: "FFS"

    The party comes over, looking behind the severed dragons head, as the illusion magic fades and the dragon is revealed to be the red breed, not silver. Pooka's dark brown skin and black hair has been shocked white, his beard too, white as can be. Pooka is awoken quickly...

    Pooka then notices, the dragon he killed was red. One of his queens. And he has been turned White, his hair silver. Very silver... and then he realizes, his party was right all along! Tiamat was lying, it was Bahamut guarding him!

    "Praise Bahamut!" He shouted, as he proclaimed himself a champion of Bahamut. The DM ended the session with

    >"And somewhere, on some plane. A platinum dragongod facepalms."

    And that, my friends, is the story of Pooka the Dwarf.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)03:41 No.16394588
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)03:53 No.16394732
    >"No, my character is a badass.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)04:05 No.16394830
    Too beautiful...no words
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)05:13 No.16395294
    God, I love this thread.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)05:46 No.16395498
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    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)06:04 No.16395620
    >Rogue Trader, in a half-collapsed and incredibly unstable tunnel system deep underground.
    >Group encounters strange plant buds that whip out tentacles and begin to lash at them. Understandably they fight back.
    >Group is doing fairly well, and has almost defeated this particular set of plant buds; Voidmaster is currently engaged in close combat and all but kills one with a deft twirling of blades.
    >Techpriests tells me that he will simply hang back and wait for the group to finish them off, passing his turn.
    >Archmilitant announces that he wants to shoot his plasma cannon at the plant.
    >Massive shitstorm of an argument ensues
    >"We're underground!" "That thing has splash damage, you'll kill the pilot you idiot!" etcetera. Archmilitant getting visibly angry and embarrassed but refusing to back down over making a poor decision.
    >Techpriest player, who is usually very quiet and passive, leans over to me.
    >"He has that thing on his right shoulder, right? The side closest to me?"
    >"So he can't see me?"
    >"Not easily, no."
    >"Okay. The second I hear him start to charge it up, I reach over and turn it off."

    I lol'd pretty hard.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)06:14 No.16395675
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    >got on /tg/ in a bad mood
    >saw a silly goat
    >first post made me smile slightly
    >shitloads of replies, let's check them out
    >day significantly improved
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)06:17 No.16395684
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    Tech-Priests, practical as all hell.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)06:44 No.16395785
    Bumping for epic awesomness again.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)06:47 No.16395803
    I think it was a quote from somewhere (at least one player pointed it out), but it cracked me up when I first heard it:
    >Villain: Ready?
    >PC2: ...I was born naked and screaming.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)06:51 No.16395822
    Its an 8-Bit Theater reference. Pretty good one, too.

    Me-Doken followed by "I taught him how to do that!" was my favourite part though.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)06:57 No.16395856
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    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)06:59 No.16395864
    Punching/kicking/slapping your weapon is a perk in Rogue Heresywatch.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)07:02 No.16395878
    >We are on a mission to find a temple that is used by some dragolich cult or another.
    >Find the temple, its just a deep hole in the ground. Unfortunately, it is also guarded frost worms.
    >combat ensues, we kill one, it deals serious damage to our group when it explodes.

    >Wizard of the group tells the fighters to herd the worms together and uses polymorph any object on the few remaining worms. Turns them into kittens.

    >"I throw the kittens down the hole"

    And thus kitten grenades were invented.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)07:17 No.16395954
    >Playing Dragonmech, my character is a Coglayer that's the mech's mechanic.
    >First thing my character fixed up on our mech is the left knee, I rolled a 20 and got the DM to allow me to move around a bit of the knee and make a room for myself down there.
    >Flash forward a few adventures when we're in mech-on-mech combat.
    >At this point everything in the mech is automated thanks to my steam powers and the pilot can move and fire the gun solely on voice commands.
    >Combat is getting rough, we're pretty beat up and the DM has stated that my room in the left knee has been blown open.
    Get into hand-to-hand range and my character screams "HIT HIM IN THE BALLS WITH THE LEFT KNEE!"
    >Pilot looks at my with a 'what the fuck?' look on his face and I give him a thumbs up.
    >DM states the attack does some damage, but destroys the left-knee and also anything that was in my room.
    >Then I remind him that I had rust-proofed the entirety of the mech and that the left knee is where I decided to store 50 rustbombs.
    >The enemy mech blew it's entire hip and lower torso off.
    >> Thonius 09/23/11(Fri)07:28 No.16396001
    >GMing Rogue Trader/Dark Heresy/Deathwatch crossover. Yeah, I hate myself.
    >Rogue Trader (former Voidborn Scum) is at a big dinner with other Rogue Traders, all high-society stuffed shirts
    >Rogue Trader panics and picks the wrong fork amidst memories of attending Finishing School with a bosun armed with a length of wood behind him, waiting for the Rogue Trader to make a mistake
    >One of the other Rogue Traders, a lesser (and reviled) scion of the House of Winterscale, snorts and, under his breath, says "How gauche."
    >Mad dash of rogue traders attempting to reach a derelict ship, only reachable during a very specific gravitational confluence set to hit in mere hours
    >Rogue Trader PC voxes Winterscale, requesting assistance (long story short the two of them and a few other Rogue Traders have been deputized by Battlefleet Calixis and so are working together as well as Rogue Traders can be expected to, which isn't well)
    >Winterscale voxes back "Oh yes, why I'll just offend the other captain to insensibility by picking a shrimp fork over a salad fork like some kind of inbred plebian."
    >Rogue Trader PC quips back "Big words coming from a spoiled Winterscale cast-off who clearly doesn't have the balls for a little void combat."
    >Long pause over the vox, then "You've not heard the last of Winterscale!"
    The lesson? Fellowship rolls are easy, but witty verbal sparring wins now and forever.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)07:47 No.16396093
    >Party is fighting a drow cult based around summoning a giant leech-thing that can produce a plague which circumvents almost any disease resistance or immunity and will have you dead in no time flat
    >Our Dwarven paladin deals the finishing blow to one of these leeches, and gets covered by its guts
    >Fails his saving throws, and is infected with the super-plague
    >We haul his ass back to a gnomish city where the world's foremost magical doctor lives
    >It takes a few days, and our Dwarven buddy is looking fucking awful.
    >He's covered in disgusting boils, unconscious about 90% of the day, is starting to stink of rotted flesh, and is bleeding from multiple orifices almost constantly
    >We arrive at the gnome city and rent a room, hiding our paladin in our luggage as not to attract unwanted attention from the locals
    >The Dwarf gets laid out on our bed at the inn, the party gnome leaves to get the doctor, I remain with our dwarf friend, and our Human sorcerer goes to get a drink.
    >Our DM makes a roll for a random event while the sorcerer is downstairs
    >Suddenly our sorcerer is beset by two gnomish girls who want to fuck
    >No matter how much he tells them no, they won't let up.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)07:52 No.16396137
    >Eventually he rolls a bluff, telling the two that he's going upstairs to "freshen up and will be back down in a minute"
    >Rolls an 8
    >DM poker faces, and tells him that they seem to accept his explanation
    >The sorcerer runs into the room, and says something along the lines of "hide me!"
    >Suddenly the door opens
    >The two gnomish girls are standing in the doorway slackjawed as they see two guys standing over a bloody dwarf, the entire room reeking of rotting flesh, and multiple buckets of dwarf blood strewn about the room
    >The girls scream their lungs out and run down the hall, calling the city guards to their aid
    Gnomes in this setting are magically based, and because they're somewhat small, their guards are armed with rods that cause anyone prodded to vomit uncontrollably, effectively incapacitating even the most unruly criminal
    >Three guards burst into our room mere moments later, and after some unsuccessful diplomacy checks, we roll initiative
    >About two rounds into the fight, I manage to disarm one of the guards
    >His magic rod lands on the dwarf
    >He instantly begins convulsing, spewing contaminated vomit and blood all over the room, drenching everyone inside the room
    >DM looks at us "Roll your saves against the plague"
    >Only one of the guards manages to save against the puke-disease
    >We all pass out, and begin to show symptoms of the sickness, the one remaining guard fleeing for reinforcements
    >Our gnome just so happens to come back, and stumbles upon the scene
    >Suddenly the guards return
    >"You there! Civilian! What do you have to call this!?!"
    >Without skipping a beat, our gnome looks at the guards and says
    >"The Aristocrats!"

    And then we laughed for forty minutes straight.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)07:56 No.16396175
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    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)08:04 No.16396229
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    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)08:15 No.16396277
    That was some mighty wit on the gnome's part, and some hilariously bad misfortune on the part of the entire party.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)08:23 No.16396319
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    Nuklear Power is a good source of lines.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)11:05 No.16397295
    >Party currently storming a dungeon
    > Get to a partly underwater level, they have water at hip level
    > Suddenly, two giant alligators
    > Mage chick : "I cast Chain Lightning at them ! They're in water, it will hurt them hard !"
    And that, gentlemen, is how you TPK.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)13:28 No.16398364
    D&D 3.5, WHFB setting.
    I'm playing a CN Bard/Sorcerer Tzeench Cultist, and am the last one on night watch for the party in the jungles of Lustria. I've met a woman, an Elvan woman, and passed a save (but only just) to not be enthalled by some sort of passive spell. I've failed to notice this nasty magic thus far so she's stalling for time.
    DM: She says the most tempting thing possible, but because it's a spell effect you only really hear it in your head. What is it?
    Me: "Abandon your misguided devotion to Tzeench; he will ultimately betray you as he does every other but the Everchosen. Join me in the worship of Slaanesh, and I will show you pleasure and pain beyond all mortal reconing."
    Party, unaware that I was a cultist: *Agog*
    Me: They're all still asleep, right?
    DM: You betcha, but you only heard that in your head anyways.

    I then passed yet another save, realized it was a magic effect, and cast Light in the middle of the camp, and started shouting for help. That turned out badly as our Elven Cleric of Kord (Khaine) was immediately enthralled...
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)13:31 No.16398390
    Similar expirence in Runequest, Our barbarian decided to cook for us. We built a salmon run and were trying but failing to catch them, even though they were so abundant. He stepped into the water with his lightning-infused sword

    >>I'll shock the water! Kill all the fish easy!
    >>Um, arent you STANDING in the water?
    >>Uh..yeah but.
    >>Roll resistance
    >>crit fail

    One of the best moments ever.
    >> Ruby !!iPJbBu5S79g 09/23/11(Fri)13:34 No.16398412

    Was it fresh water or salt water? Because fresh water is actually a shitty conductor of electricity.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)13:45 No.16398505
    >ROW ROW FIGHT THE POWER AS FUCK Swordswoman and two other party members trapped in a deep pit by the giant ogre-king they're fighting.
    >The two other party members are, essentially, a kung-fu werewolf and a NO GODS OR KINGS feudal-communist in so much ridiculously heavy plate armour he has earned the nickname of Armadillo.
    >Only member of the party not in the hole is the mage girl, who blasts the Ogre in the face with a beam of magic but doesn't kill him.
    >Swordswoman hears the mage screaming for help as he advances on her like a big hairy rapist.
    >She turns to the armadillo, grabs him by the shoulders and yells into his face:
    >"Quick! Try to land on him!"
    >Armadillo calmly announces that, after twisting around in the air for a bit, he is now attempting to perform an elbow drop.

    Motherfucker took the ogre's goddamn head off in a single strike and then went right back down through the floor again. It was glorious.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)13:49 No.16398531
    >"Hey man..."
    >"If you were a girl, I would totally fuck you."
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)13:55 No.16398577
    That only counts for really pure water.

    Most water isn't that pure, and conducts just fine.

    Which is why you do not balance the radio on the tub.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)13:57 No.16398595
    >DnD 3.5e
    >PCs fail to stop an evil cult from summoning a massive eldritch horror
    >Portal tears open right in front of them
    >Dwarf Monk is the only one in the room who rolls well enough to not be reduced to a gibbering wreck at the sight of it
    >Dwarf: "I roll Intimidate"
    >Critical success
    >DM: "The creature takes one look at the hairy creature, lets out an unintelligible screech, and vanishes back into the void between realities"
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)14:03 No.16398658
    This is only tangentially related, but my favorite thing to do in the video game Prototype, is to elbow drop off a skyscraper above time square. I usually completely DESTROY one taxi, and that's about it.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)14:04 No.16398665
    Fuck dwarves and their intimidating things...
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)14:17 No.16398754
    >Party is in a tavern, discussing their next move
    >Ambushed by a hit squad from the crime syndicate they pissed off earlier
    >Minotaur fighter is in the shop next door, buying supplies
    >"Can I hear this happening?"
    >Both buildings are made of stone, with a small road between them. Roll for it
    >Rolls 19, hears the shouts, gets to roll initiative with everyone else
    >Can't move too fast due to armour, will take a few rounds to get into the fight
    >"Fuck it. I pick an exposed part of the shop's wall and charge it."
    >Busts clean through the wall...
    >...directly into the hitman who was circling around to the back of the tavern...
    >...rolls a 20 to harpoon-charge him into the tavern wall...
    >...and makes another huge Str check to smash into the tavern on round 1, immediately behind the party, just as the hitmen are surrounding them, with a now half-dead and crippled hitman folded in half over his horns
    >Kool-Aid man style "OH YEAH"
    >Gets a massive result on intimidate
    >Hitmen are to terrified to do anything but stare
    >Party members are too amazed to do anything but stare
    >Nothing happens for a full round
    >Fighter awkwardly shifts his weight, looks at the barkeep
    >"Oh, uh, just so you know, I'm gonna pay for the wall"
    >Barkeep stares
    >> Ruby !!iPJbBu5S79g 09/23/11(Fri)14:18 No.16398760

    Well actually, tap water is fairly pure and tends not to conduct well (I had to test this in physics classm everyone was surprised to find out how poor of a conductor it is), but with bathtubs, the various soaps tend to have a high enough sodium content to make electricity very deadly. The oils and dirt on one's skin don't make it any nicer as well.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)14:19 No.16398767
    >Crit skill check
    Most common homebrew rule, ever.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)14:23 No.16398797
    He rolled a 20, It's a figure of speech.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)14:25 No.16398815
    Well, the filthy water in the canals of a dungeon isn't going to be as pure as tap water, so it should conduct just fine.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)14:28 No.16398838
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    >CoC Masks of Nyarlathotep
    >fellow player and I go to investigate crazed painter dude making pictures of eldritch horrors
    >Meet his mother (SPOILER: eldritch horror) who directs us upstairs
    >find him in his studio
    >paintings all around
    >Keeper: "Do you want to look at the paintings?"
    >Me: "Fuck no, I've learnt my lesson"
    >Her: "Sure"
    >Keeper: "Okay, make 20 SAN checks"


    >Playing CoC, Gatsby and the Great Race
    >mixed up in one-hour long time loop
    >player discusses with NPC about the latter's new play which he aspired to see at Broadway
    >time loop resets
    >first thing the player does is go to Aspiring Playwright and go "Oh, have you heard of that new play", going on to describe exactly the play's plot he heard in the previous iteration
    >watch as Aspiring Playwright is absolutely heartbroken
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)14:35 No.16398880
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    D&D 3.5

    >Characters are sailing on a flying ship across the edge of the world, when a bunch of chimaeras attack
    >Eventually, the ship gets toppled and everyone starts falling into the nothingness beyond the world.
    >The party manages to find a safe spot, but the dwarf warrior misses some rolls and falls over.
    >Wizard "I cast floating disk to stop him!" but he had spent it already
    >Paladin "I tie a rope to an arrow and try to shoot him in the leg or something to catch him" but he fails
    >Druid "I turn into a giant eagle to rescue him!" but he forgets he's engaged in a fight with a poisonous chimaera, generates an AoO, fails his saving throw and drops down paralyzed.
    >Everyone "Oh no, the dwarf's going to die!"
    >Dwarf "Hey, DM, was my cape damaged in the attack?"
    >DM "No, I think not"
    >Dwarf "Here's my last Action Point. Can I use it to grasp my cape and fly like Mario Bros?"
    >DM, initially confused, but then pondering "Hmm, a single Action Point wouldn't..."
    >Paladin "YES. I spend one of MY Action Points to summon the aid of my god Heironeus and assist him"
    >DM "Alright, alright, I guess with two Action Points we can let that happen..."
    >Paladin "And Heironeus' face appears in a fade-in around the dwarf as he flies"
    >DM "Don't push it"
    >Wizard "Wait! Paladin, quickly, where's our party's chest?"
    >Paladin "I have it in my backpack, which should be in my room. Why is that important?"
    >Wizard "I remember that place... I remember that place, right?"
    >DM "Yes, you were there a..."
    >Wizard "I teleport there, grab the chest, and teleport back!"

    >> DM Kroft !ScSfaqO.RY 09/23/11(Fri)14:38 No.16398896
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    >DM "What's so important about it? The room was sealed and its not that far a...."
    >DM "Very well, roll for destination... success... roll again for the second... there you go"
    >Wizard "Great. Alright, dwarf, start flying... NOW!"

    He then tells me how he opens the chest and starts throwing coins at the dwarf.

    And yes, the dwarf saved himself. And yes, the Wizard did ask me if he could get a free Resurrection spell if the dwarf collected 100 coins.

    He collected only 85.
    >> PurgatoryGuy 09/23/11(Fri)14:45 No.16398952
    Sliders-Nexus Game

    So, in the actual Nexus (the base between worlds, the hub between portals 'arcs' that go world hopping), one of the players rolled 2 critical failures on the dice while essentially hunting and bartering for goods. So, rather then just LAWLCOMBAT, I decided to pull an oldie but goodie.

    Hand the player something massively powerful, and wait.

    So, anyone who knows gurps Ultra tech, has heard of monowire. A few campaigns prior, we had a social character who her only weapons were thimble grenades in monowire spools. Eventually she made them legitimate grenades with a robofac. Moving on.

    The player found a case of these monowire grenades. Practically selling his soul when he found out what they did, he bought them up, even when I flat out told him the kill radius was farther then he could throw.

    Moving on.

    Many portals later, they land in a D&D esque world where they'd be picking up a demon-pixie new player to the game. They land in the belltower of a nice church, who is just bewildered how the group got there, as they don't seem the stealthiest or cleverest of the bunch.

    Soon they realize, omg cult. And not just a cult, this cult knew about the portal, they worshipped it, and even had a magical artifact to make more portals. Could be the cause of the entire campaign... LETS START A FIGHT (they weren't, just simple cultists with daggers and a magic book).

    As the battle moves outside, the church is encased by a stone wall, scalable but will take time. The large church following pours out, grabbing whatever weapons and torches they could to go after the party. Many of the party are wearing high tech battlesuits, so really they're not in that much danger (We had a Saiyan, a Mass Effect soldier, A werewolf in battlearmor she got from another pc, and a TL0 mayan scout. The only one without armor, who was fleeing at the moment).
    >> PurgatoryGuy 09/23/11(Fri)14:45 No.16398959
    The mass effect soldier, decides to lob the monowire grenade at the cult leaders feet. While the other players aren't only not running, but within the fray. He realizes this and tries to take it back. No dice good sir.

    The werewolf in battlearmor was on the other side of the church, and her armor was shredded and took massive lacerations, but survived. The cult leader, most of the cultists, and the saiyan, were all turned into Mister and Missus Tenorman Chili. And the mass effect soldier suffered a pretty big failure on his fear check.

    But this wasn't the best OMG moment. No no.

    The book, began to crackle as the pieces lay sputtering on the ground, forming a sparkling portal. The other side seemed to flip around like a tv switching channels, before it landed on a world...

    >I pull out my tables for this campaign, and roll.
    >Oooh, cameo, meaning something from movies, games, tv, or books. Excellent.
    >Starcraft! Oh lord in heaven, well it's only bad if...
    >I roll Zerg
    >As if not bad enough. Motherloving CHAR.

    So, the players, who don't know at this point, see a reddish world, with some odd pulsing ziggurats on the other side of the portal, and then some odd stinking flesh pours out and begins spreading among the ground. And a small insect with big mandibles come out. The mass effect soldier kills it. Suddenly they hear a screech from the portal.

    Out steps a queen, crawling over the hatchery and through the portal, where she promptly takes flight over the party. They run terrified. The demon-pixie knew EXACTLY what they were, the rest of the party were OMG monster. But no one noticed the scout who slipped away, being the only unarmored, received a nice parasite...

    Ah good times...
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)14:46 No.16398961
    >Dark Heresy
    >Two PCs: a Guardsman and a Psyker
    >Their Inquisitor orders them to investigate rumours of a cult on an Imperial world
    >Warns them to never reveal their identity, or the cult will go to ground
    >PCs go nuts with disguises, fake IDs, preparation, Ocean's 11 type shit
    >Son, I am proud. These guys are on the fast track to their own rosettes
    >They get attacked by some random muggers in an alley near a very busy market
    >Psyker blows his disguise by using a power that triggers phenomena, causing a mass panic
    >Arbites show up to ask what the fuck is going on

    Their Inquisitor was less than pleased.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)14:48 No.16398984
    >Playing CoC, first time I've ever played so make a burly Oirish bouncer and bare knuckle boxer
    >End up in the underworld of the Dreamlands
    >Come across sleeping eldrich horror, roll SAN
    >Players one through 4: "We pass"
    >Me "Uh oh..."
    >Get a temporary derrangement - "suicidal insanity"
    >Boot sleeping eldrich horror in the face
    >OH SHIII--

    Miraculously we lived, the rest of the party (two aged doctors, a retired colnel and a high born lady) dragging this huge bouncer away from this slavering monster as he struggles and hurls curses back at it.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)14:50 No.16399006

    Oh lord... my mind went to liches and undead. Undead zerg. as if they aren't bad enough...
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)14:51 No.16399014

    Eh, if it wasn't on Char I'd say the protoss would be more likely to come and purge the planet. Though if the zerg got OFF of that D&D world into that galaxy... FREE GALAXY GUYS. SOMEONE LEFT IT ON THE CURB. SMELLS ALRIGHT.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)14:53 No.16399032
    >Playing a game in a custom system based on Crawl.
    >Player exploring a dungeon.
    >Comes to a door, opens it.
    >"The room contains ... nothing."
    >"... I hit it."
    >"Hit... what, exactly?"
    >"The nothing. I hit it."
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)14:59 No.16399070
    If its based on Crawl, that seems a fair reaction...
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)15:01 No.16399093
    Must have been watching the Neverending Story.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)15:04 No.16399124
    What system if I may ask?
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)15:06 No.16399136

    Gurps 4th Ed
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)15:09 No.16399166
    >A group of space explorers encounter a Red Dragon in a D&D/D20 Future crossover campaign

    >Everyone laughs at the dragon for hoarding gold and not something valuable like anti-matter or helium-3

    >The red dragon doesn't like being laughed at, so he demands the explorers give it their valuables and armor

    >The adventurers laugh even harder, as they can just replicate new ones

    >The Dragon chases them out of his lair, telling them never to come back as they're obviously carrying some sort of madness-inducing plague and would make him sick if he ate them

    >The scientist of the group shouts back that the dragon couldn't get sick as he's scientifically impossible and biologically improbable and rolls a nat 20 on persuasion.
    >The dragon is killed by pure scientific fact
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)15:44 No.16399440
    >death by science

    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)15:51 No.16399476
    "Alright, so you walk into the tavern, and your eyes fall upon the barman-"
    "And you see me standing on the bar, grunting while buggering his decapitated head."
    >> Minifig 09/23/11(Fri)15:53 No.16399502
    >Running a Star Wars d6 module on Tatooine
    >Party driving along a narrow canyon on their speeder
    >Combat encounter coming up
    >"Suddenly, some Tusken Raiders jump out-"
    "I floor the speeder"
    >"The Tusken Raiders go flying off the bonnet of your speeder."
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)16:07 No.16399607
    Well, I rolled with it. He passed three rolls, with flying colors.

    He not only hit the nothing, he did damage to the nothing, which was enough to break it.

    Motherfucking dwarf. Broke reality. With a non-magical hammer.

    I gave him a better hammer as a reward.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)17:13 No.16400221


    >Captcha "upon alpfidd"

    Yep, that's where I put it alright.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)17:53 No.16400739
    Can I play in your party?
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)20:26 No.16402521
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    >Playing a monk Shifter in Eberron, generally just wants to hit anything to solve the problem.
    >Party tracks down a cult that worships fire elementals.
    >High priest is in the middle of a ritual to open a rip to the Plane of Elemental Fire.
    >No one knows how to stop the ritual.
    DM: "No one made a high enough knowledge check to try and thwart the ritual and now the circle is encased in a barrier. Unless anyone has an idea I suppose the ritual finishes."
    Me: "Wait, I wanna punch it."
    DM: "The barrier that's seperating the material plane and plane of fire?"
    Me: "Hell yeah."
    >Roll a strength check, come out to being high 30's when I roll a 20.
    DM: "... You punched open a whole between two planes of existence. The plane of fire spills out right into your Shifter's face, causing...43 damage this turn. It WILL continue to damage you each round you stay in front of it."
    Me: "So, the hole's big enough to reach through?"
    DM: "Yes."
    Me: "I pop the high priest right in his smug face."
    >Roll another 20 and confirm it.
    DM: "Through sheer strength alone, you managed to punch open a rift between the planes and cold-clock someone across the gap."
    Me: "I really like to punch things."
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)21:15 No.16403084
    Sir if your still here
    And tables
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)22:57 No.16404136
    Dark Heresy game, the players needed to get somewhere, fast. So they steal a car. After having the mechanical beast of a Tech-Priest walk into the middle of the road and making a 5 car pile-up. They steal a car. The driver passes out at the sight of the cyber-being and the players just throw him in the passenger seat.

    None of them could drive.
    Scum character has the highest Agility so he's their driver. Amazing, he does just fine, sort of. The players arrive and then:

    >Roll to park the vehicle that you've barely any idea on how to operate
    >You go speeding and hit the embankment, and are now flying through the air
    >Tech-Priest, you can hear the vehicle screaming about how bad the Scum is at driving
    >All of the players crash through the top floor of the living quarters, unscathed.
    >The car won't stop crying
    >Feels bad man.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)23:00 No.16404160
    A C:tL game, one of the other players was playing a Satyr drug dealer, and was just told to execute his chief competitor.

    >Can I just assume I have a lethal dose of Morphine?
    >*beat* Yes. Yes you can.
    >> Anonymous 09/23/11(Fri)23:03 No.16404195

    Same group, different player, a V:tR game this time.

    >Player is playing a former priest, heading out to find someone to feed on.
    >Wandering through dark alleys, waiting for some criminal mugging type to happen upon him
    >Sure enough, a mugger shows up, pulls a knife, tells him to hand over his money
    >Engages the mugger in conversation for a moment, getting a little closer, we assume to take a bite
    >"I pull the gun out of my coat and shoot him in the chest."
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)00:09 No.16404820
    Ok so I would feel bad if I didn't add to this greatness. All of my stories are with the same core group of people and in 3.5 dnd.

    this first one takes place shortly before I joined the group but it was one of their most told stories.

    >party is laying siege to a castle with the BBEG inside
    >there is a caster a healer (I dont know what classes) a hulking hurler and a dwarf fighter in plate
    >they cant get over the walls because they are defended by gargoyles
    >dwarf looks at hulking hurler and says "throw me "
    >so he did
    >the dwarf sailed over the wall and fell to his death on the other side.

    weak start more to come.
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)00:17 No.16404919
    one of our groups good friends has moved back in to town. He is a great DM and currently has a large world with multiple groups working in different time line and each group can change major things in the setting. we get to play in the past part of his setting a prolog if you will

    >usual dnd group is formed caster fighter barbarian cleric and we had a bard
    >game start out ok we find an upset local and lean some things about whats going on in the forest
    >we move on and come to a road
    >out bursts an ogre, we roll initiative and kill it
    >this killing rampage continues till we reach the BBEG who has a magic orb that is of major significance later in the setting the BBEG is also huge in the setting
    >we fuck up bad and let him go
    >DM tell us we are never playing in that setting again because we just caused 100s of years of suffering across the land by letting the guy go
    >we where there to delay him by winning and set the stage for the other groups
    >we didnt know that because we killed all but one NPC

    i seem to suck at this but on wards any way
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)00:18 No.16404927
    I really enjoyed that. My first reaction was "hurler? dwarf? great, another throwing the dorf story. impenetrable wall? yep, definitely gonna throw the dorf. dorf says throw me? ho boy, 5th time this thread, how funny. "
    >sailed over the wall and fell to his death
    "wat. hahahahaha oh god"
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)00:25 No.16404985
    one of the group want to try his hand at DMing all for it we say ok. he is doing individual sessions to set characters and prolog stuff

    >I roll a changeling rogue that is classed to infiltrate and talk his way out of stuff
    > playing typical rogue being poor and on the streets and all
    >end up talking/changing my way out of a bad run in the the city guards
    >over hear something is happening at the castle
    >sure I will go there why not
    >sneak in as a simple house worker and change into a guard then a noble decide to walk right into to kings throne room in the middle of the day
    >guards challenge me and I bluff past them
    >get to king who was a BBEG of many levels higher than me
    >he ask who I am
    >I bullshit my way through about 5 minutes with him buying it before the DM realized I may have broken the game with my bluffs

    many lolz where had and we decided the scrap the champagne because of me. I didnt even cheat
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)00:36 No.16405079
    The same DM as the setting we wrecked has come up with a new one for us to play

    >we roll the typical group because we know what we like one guy is a bard we mostly ignore him in fights
    >in this world magic is fading it seems to be mostly concentrated around a cave naturally we go there
    >magic is now contained in the rocks that when held let you cast but when they are broken they explode violently as we quickly find out
    >the magic rocks are being mined by the BBEGs minions so we mop them up and get what magic rocks we can as we go
    >BBEG is a lych of a much higher level and the DM plans to kick our ass for a bit and at the last minute have the BBEG leave we kinda know this is coming but we go to the fight (because meta-gaming is bad)
    >we get there and the BBEG has more magic rocks than we have ever seen and we know this is gonna suck for us
    >after big evil speech we roll initiative bard takes top
    >"I use bardic shout"
    >DM; "ok whats that do"
    >Bard; "X damage and shatters anything brittle on the target"
    >DM; "WHAT?!" he looks in the book and sighs
    >"roll for damage
    >bard hits and the rocks shatter thus horribly crippling the lich who lives because of his phylactery

    Our group is still one of his favorite to play with even if we like to break things he puts hard work into.
    >> PurgatoryGuy 09/24/11(Sat)00:36 No.16405085
    Yeah I'm still here. Think I'm leaving this epic thread?

    And hm. Yes I do have my main table. Though my cameo table is personalized, basically every time any player mentions any show, movie, game or book they like I add it to the cameo list, and wiki-fu the shit out of it if I get a roll on it. The other tables I have in notepad file I can share if I find a good medium. Posting them here would be annoying.
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)00:45 No.16405159
    ok last one because I am having trouble remembering more

    >I am still learning the system so we are playing mostly 2 on 2 arena battles
    >I roll a ranger and my partner rolls a pally
    >other team is a dwarf fighter in plate (the guy who normally DMs roll that he know more rules and is way over powered) other person is not important (i dont remember he dies early)
    >long boring story short
    >I am onto of a small mesa thing with shear cliffs for sides its about a 20ft drop
    >superdwarf is on his way
    >arrows just bounce off him oh fuck he is coming
    >dwarf starts to climb with me shooting arrows
    >takes afew turns but he makes it to the top and climbs up and over
    >Me; "I get an attack of opportunity right?"
    >DM "yeah"
    >Me; "ok I sparta kick him back off" (this is still around 2007 ish)
    >DM; "ok roll"
    >i hit and the dwarf falls takes a buch of damage because of his armor
    >here he comes again so I kick him off again and this time yell you guessed it "This is SPARTA!"
    >he falls to his death and I won my second ever arena in DnD
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)00:48 No.16405185
    Also we should archive this shit.
    >> PurgatoryGuy 09/24/11(Sat)00:48 No.16405194

    There we go. Enjoy it /tg/.
    >> PurgatoryGuy 09/24/11(Sat)00:55 No.16405250
    Fair warning the file was written for another friend who was going to try dming it. And it is in no means complete, like the item world list is obviously not complete, hard to define every aspect of life and death on one list. But gave plenty of room to make the worlds feel random enough. And you'll find notes from me to the DM, I marked two with /tg/ for the people here though
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)00:58 No.16405264
    This thread is making me cry with laughter. The Pooka story? Epic.

    Note to those archiving it, won't it only be archived in it's incomplete mode? People are still adding to it!
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)00:59 No.16405274
    Trying to buy a piece of armour.
    >Merchant: It'll run you 20,000g
    >Our Fighter: How about you give it to us for 10,000 and I don't rape you.

    Also, in a homebrew campaign I accidentally entered myself into a binding contract with a demonic chef and had to be saved by the rogue disguised as a cooked halfling.
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)01:10 No.16405358
    >Playing DH
    >Back from recent mission on planet.
    >On-board an Inquisitorial cruiser.
    >Getting debriefed by an interrogator.
    >Interrogator is asking obtuse and weird questions, but whatever he is DA BAWS.
    >Back hand remark about the Psyker.
    >Psyker: Well I don't like the way he treats me, so I stop talking to him and tell him he is a dick head and draw my pistol on him.
    >Rest of party: um, WHAT?
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)01:11 No.16405362
    >"I tie it up with those intestines I stole."

    It auto-updates at regular intervals. Not sure exactly how often, but /tg/ doesn't really move quickly enough for it to lose a significant number of posts.
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)01:11 No.16405365
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    >DM(me): Alright, you can request assistance from the dwarf paladin NPC, but he would have to return to his temple, and without a mount will probably be late to help you.
    >Party Paladin: Can we enlarge our badger? I mean there are some very powerful ritual casters in this village, and it IS tamed.
    >Bard: Can we enlarge ALL the badgers we find, and tame them while we wait for him to return?
    >Druid: I'm okay with this.
    >DM: Well heck, it's gonna cost you all your cash, but I will allow it.

    Next session- a glorious charge to BBEG's tower mounted on a pack of semi-tamed giant badgers.
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)01:15 No.16405407
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    >> The Stalwart Guardsman !U2Wo0AizyY 09/24/11(Sat)01:17 No.16405422
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    >3.5 campaign recently turned pathfinder
    >In DM's setting most people haven't seen or know what halflings are
    >My character: Half-elf Wizard that is superstitious of the fey and faerie creatures (little wee bit o' the Isles in 'im). Friends character: A halfling rogue with red hair and had a penchant for unintentionaly letting the rest of the party know he was LOADED (was good at pickin pockets)
    >My character assumes the other is a leprechaun and was determined to find out where he kept getting his money
    >took near divine intervention on the part of an elven goddess to convince him otherwise that it was indeed a halfling and NOT a leprechaun
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)01:19 No.16405440
    >party has a fairly noobish Half-Giant Barbarian
    >land in a port town
    >meet commoners in the bar
    >HGB- I Sense Motive (he has no ranks and 8 Wisdom)
    >DM- They're not lying.
    >two guards come in
    >"Whew, it's been a long day at work"
    >HGB- I Sense Motive
    >DM- They're not lying.
    >PCs get sent to a smaller village to investigate something
    >Commoner- Our village just got attacked by orcs!
    >HGB- I Sense Motive
    >DM- She's not lying.
    >They go to find the orc camp (supposed to side with the orcs, because it's an evil campaign)
    >meet the chieftain orc
    >CH- This island was ours, but (Insert good nation here) stole it from us!
    >HGB- I Sense Motive
    >DM- He's not lying.
    >HGB attacks the chieftain
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)01:22 No.16405472
    Same player
    >he's now a paladin
    >DM- You enter a roo-
    >Pally- Detect Evil
    >DM- I... what?
    >Pally- I Detect Evil
    >DM- You don't sense anything evil
    >this continues for the entire session and is still happening
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)01:24 No.16405486
    I'm pretty sure it's retroactive.

    Or... the opposite of retroactive.

    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)01:30 No.16405531
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    >Bard hardly roleplaying, all he does is try to seduce women and tell everyone that would listen, that his true destiny is to get a blowjob from a god.
    >Blowjob from god becomes a running gag, grows boring, is forgotten.
    >Months later people having ominous dreams with an evil god tempting them with various deals, threats and promises.
    >I am preparing to JUST AS PLANNED as I approach the bard last, as he is the only chaotic character, and been leaning to evil lately.
    >"So, you want no golden castle, no harem of virgins, tell me what your wish is, all you have to do is swear your fealty to me and you will have it."
    >Bard: "So wait. You are a god, right?"


    I never knew I could laugh so hard.
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)01:33 No.16405545
    >My character stacks gas cans against fortress wall to serve as a distraction for the rest of the party
    >Gets the signal, shoots the gas cans
    >GM makes me roll
    >Exploding dice keep getting rerolled, 12 times
    >GM consults charts, gets out the calculator, consults more dice
    >I accidentally half the fortress
    >I cheerfully call over the radio "How's THAT for a distraction?"
    >GM announces that a flaming skull bounces past the cyberpaladin half a mile away
    >"That will suffice, Kenneth. That will suffice."

    >Same game
    >BBEG of the session sends a fuckton of mooks after us so she can pick us off
    >My character rushes past the mooks to occupy her while the rest of the party slaughters them
    >I can't hurt her without my awesome armor, so I drop my weapons and focus on dodging
    >She goes all fancy strange martial arts due to her code of honor, can't land a hit
    >Rest of the party finishes their fighting but don't attack
    >One starts playing swing music
    >Ten rounds later, evil chick stops attacking, stating that she realizes that she can't defeat me, and swears her loyalty
    >Party goes back to town to explain what happened
    >"Yeah, we defeated her at the sock hop of death."

    Both are lame, sorry.
    >> The Stalwart Guardsman !U2Wo0AizyY 09/24/11(Sat)01:39 No.16405590
    nay, I would say that first one was pretty cool. The other...kinda meh.
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)01:41 No.16405603
    The party accidental unleashed a group of 500 sorcerers from being locked in individualized crystal prisons at a wizard guild's tower. They are now tasked at trying to calm down a group to which many have been imprisoned for many a generation. The entire party fails their diplomacy until the Dwarven Knight comes up and claims he can settle this.

    >Dm: Ok, your turn. Hope you can do better. Keep in mind there are negatives for the party's failures and for the sheer number of angry people here.
    >Rolls 20,20,20,19 on an open ended 20's
    >Dm:... Congratulations you are the Martin Luther King Jr. of Sorcerers and you aren't even one!

    At this point the Dwarf does his best MLK impersonation, Shouting things about Wizards and Sorcerers should walk hand in hand in harmony. The game stops for a bit while we all try to regain our composure
    >> The Stalwart Guardsman !U2Wo0AizyY 09/24/11(Sat)01:50 No.16405665
    I remember laughing so hard that night.
    >> Pathfinderguy 09/24/11(Sat)02:09 No.16405825
    Rifts campaign I played in back in the Air Force...

    The party consisted of three characters My elf a Wolfen and a human. We were out hunting down some criminals for bounty and we had them holed up in an old house. While we were there exchanging fire with the badguys the GM rolls randomly and says that a snowflake lands on the Wolfen's nose. Wolfen growls as he rubs his nose to remove the tiny cold spot on his nose and says there that will teach you..... A few minutes later the GM says that it starts snowing harder.

    The Wolfen player says "Oh I thought it was just you against me but now you bring your friends into it?"
    He then proceeds to use the muzzle flash from his MP-5 to melt random snowflakes, totally ignoring the badguys we were here to fight.

    We were laughing our asses off for about 20 minutes before we could get on with the game.
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)02:37 No.16406025
    Honestly... that's not funny, that's goddamn annoying.
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)02:39 No.16406039
    >[Stretchy Armed Man (True Fae)] "Well, you're perhaps the most hideous thing I've ever seen."
    >[Unfleshed Promethean] "At least my arms are symmetrical."
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)02:40 No.16406052
    >"good nation" steals Orc land
    >"good nation"
    You gits are all the same, you just like Orcs to be the face of evil all the time. Racists.
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)02:52 No.16406104
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    >GM introduces us to the boss fight, shows us a picture of a demon
    >Drunken monk: "I CAN DIG IT. I HIT ON HER."
    >> Sapiento !cagJk3eFXA 09/24/11(Sat)04:17 No.16406425
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    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)04:21 No.16406436

    > Low-level D&D game.
    > Party finds a heavily pregnant goblin, after clearing out the tribe.
    > WAT DO?
    > Party immediately prepares to cut her throat.
    > Ranger, who hates goblins, tells everyone to wait until she gives birth.
    > "Why?"
    > "Dude, I'm spawn-camping."
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)04:22 No.16406444

    > orcs
    > face of evil

    I bet you support a independent Palestine too, you terrorist-lover.
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)04:30 No.16406469
    Well, we have things like one in four muslims supporting suicide bombings against the infidels and the headlines for those polls being, that the majority of muslims being A-OK. It's understandable that people will think that way.
    >> Stoned Anon !T4VTNxSe0k 09/24/11(Sat)04:37 No.16406501
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    >Mutants and Masterminds
    >Entire party is a guy that can control gravity, a psionicist that can astral project, basically Medic from TF2, and a detective-type that's only powers were uncontrollable pre-cognition and post-cognition.
    I basically made the character to be the GM's 'plot input' guy since I barely knew anything about MM.
    >Since I didn't have powers, I had a lot of skills dumped into guns.
    >Party laughs as we gear up for out first combat, thinking I'll be worthless since I don't have any real super powers.
    >Gravity guy busts open the warehouse door and I run in and clear out all nine of the mooks and nearly kill the head honcho.
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)04:41 No.16406521
    Strangely, the simplest characters in in M&M tend to actually be the strongest.
    There's plenty of anecdotes of LOLinvincible guys getting simply thrown into space and becoming irrelevant forever.
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)04:43 No.16406529

    if america were to be occupied by china every man in the south would grab his shotgun and charge the nearest slant
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)04:51 No.16406560
    >DnD 4e
    >Custom-class Death Knight (Lawful Evil Paladin) in party with a Dragonborn Cleric, Tiefling Fighter, and Kobold Articifier
    >Has sword with Lich trapped inside of it, uses it to cast spells as opposed to Holy Symbol.
    >Kobold Artificier steals it, uses it as a base for a sharpened codpiece.
    >Kobold uses the lich to pelvic thrust spells.
    >GM don't give a fuck.
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)04:52 No.16406566
    A lot of them would. Several more once the memes get around. A lot of politics now are just memetic warfare. And just about everyone, not just Americans, are falling for ALL of it. I can speak more about the American experience with it, but that's because that's the media I'm most exposed to.
    There's a lot more getting thrown around by all sides, and they seem to believe that if they say it enough times, everyone will believe it. And the sad thing is, they're right. No one looks anything up anymore.
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)04:55 No.16406582
    Point, but I used to hang around with a lot more people who did. I'm back out in the general public now and getting frustrated as hell with people being parrots.
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)05:03 No.16406628
    "Embrace" as in "Hug tightly", not making a vampire out of him.
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)05:06 No.16406645
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    >Running a low-level D&D 3.5 game with a homebrew setting
    >One of the players wants to play a warforged paladin based on Optimus Prime
    >I allow it because he's one of those rare MEGABRO players you can trust to make something like that work, and work really well
    >After a lot of backstory and setup RP'ing, their first combat is against a bunch of kobold bandits
    Me: OK, roll initiative.
    Prime Guy: Hold on. These poor creatures are obviously acting out of fear and desperate need. I want to try talking to them first.
    Me: They don't speak Common.
    PG: That's OK, Orion knows Draconic.
    >He provides an actually well-thought-out reason
    Me: OK, I'll allow it. Roll Diplomacy.
    >He improvises a really good inspirational speech that ends with "What say you, mighty children of dragons? Will you join us?"
    >One kobold jumps up and down waving his arms, and runs over to join the party
    >He helps fight off his ex-buddies, and is a tremendous help since he rolled more 20's than any NPC I've run before or since

    Prime Guy wound up naming him Steve, teaching him how to speak Common (he sounded like #24 from Venture Brothers), and spent two months' worth of downtime doing degrading manual labor just to get enough cash together to get him some kickass equipment. Steve stayed with the party through the entire remainder of the game.
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)06:19 No.16407087
    Kobolds never fail to tug at the heartstrings. Why?
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)06:24 No.16407117
    >Never played anything before
    >Friend DMs homebrew CoC for me and a few other of his friends
    >We're WWII SAS + POWs trying to get into a base filled with Italians
    >Trying to figure out how to sneak in
    >Italian jeep patrol drives past us without seeing us
    >We ambush them when they drive back, I burst a sten into the front jeep driver and it crashes horribly
    >Steal the machineguns from the back of the jeeps and set them up on the roadside
    >We had encountered a minefield before and I decided to steal all the mines so we set up a whole fucking minefield on the road too
    >Call on the second jeep radio to the Italian base, language and such rolls (mama mia there's been an accidentio)
    >Jeep and truck full of italians come out of base to help
    >Absoloutely murdered, one mine taking out like 5 guys, limbs everywhere
    >"So uh can we call the radio again"
    >mama mia send more help they had an accident too
    >fuck up our italian language rolls
    >Italians catch on to our shit, send an airplane to fuck us up
    >LEE TIT our old-as-fuck SAS guy with an Enfield HEADSHOTS THE PILOT (WITH THE ENFIELD)
    >plane starts diving towards us uncontrolled
    >oh fuck dive out of the way shit
    >"so can we call the radio again"
    >mama mia you gotta help the plane crash
    >Italians go fuck it, send a whole infantry platoon
    >They walk in column towards our machinegun ambush point
    >Each MG kills about 10 Italians each in one burst
    >Ram a stolen armoured car into the base that now only has like 10 dudes defending it
    >We lost san for the sheer horror and gore from the exploding italians/files of men being machinegunned

    Best day ever
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)06:25 No.16407119
    I fucking love Kobolds.
    >> The God-Emperor 09/24/11(Sat)06:29 No.16407147
    Man. CoC doesn't even need eldritch horror. The Basic Roleplay system overall, it seems, is fuckawesome, as I've heard.
    >> Stoned Anon !T4VTNxSe0k 09/24/11(Sat)06:31 No.16407155
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    It's like Hogan's Heroes directed by Jason Cameron!
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)06:36 No.16407185
    ... The Man Caves guy?
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)06:39 No.16407199
    My first D&D session, a mix of 2 and 3.0

    >Paladin, Necromancer, Theif and some homeless man he made friends with by using the staff of life on him.

    >We sealed ourselves into a small cave to avoid being blown to smithereens from some exploding rock monster things.

    >It was with a wall of ice (approximately 30ft thick)

    >We spend a quarter of a in game day trying to break it down, after the explosion subsided. (We all rolled shitty rolls for about half an hour almost.)

    >Me to the DM " I ask my homeless friend to help us out"

    >Homeless friend scores a critical, and a 20 on top of that for confirming.

    We could not stop laughing for a good ten minutes
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)06:51 No.16407253
    >same group, homebrew CoC again
    >underwater science station
    >everybody out in a minisub busy discovering horrifying underwater Cthulu shit, only guys left on the station are our US MIT hacker/tech guy (PC) and our Japanese 70+ year old biologist (NPC who is basically Mr Miyagi)
    >Hacker guy was away hence not being in the minisub, comes back, GM says there's some shit going wrong in the engine room
    >Go to check it out
    >Long story short Mr Miyagi tries to help him fix it, fucks up his rolls and gets SUCKED THROUGH THE ENGINE into the water
    >his last words before flying out the exhaust are "you a cool guy, Jack O' Neil"
    >everybody horrified at what is happening to our poor frail NPC
    >Jack O' Neil dives into the water to try and save him
    >flubs every single fucking swim roll horribly
    >starts sinking
    >"Miyagi has a lot of diving skill, can't he just start doing swim rolls himself"
    >fair enough
    >Miyagi decides to stop drowning and hits all his swim rolls perfectly
    >70+ year old japanese man swims over to Jack O' Neil, grabs him and swims back to the station
    >goes on to be a hero NPC who survives being hit with an explosively tipped spear (accidentally, by a drunk Russian PC)
    >> Anonymous !7Q.GDL5pdY 09/24/11(Sat)06:53 No.16407259
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    Player climbs up tree to avoid werewolf, then stands on a branch and announces to the werewolf:
    "I have the high ground, you cannot win!"
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)12:22 No.16409087
    I know it won't be the same, but those being posted for examples would be a hella of help
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)13:43 No.16409753
    not letting this thread die, NEVEH!!!
    >> Me again 09/24/11(Sat)14:23 No.16410053
    >playing first star wars campaign
    >wookie because fuck you
    >forgot my wookie was a terrible swimmer
    >running from pack mentality monsters
    >group jumps in river to escape
    >never saying a word before, just grunts and wookie noises, yell "THANKS FUCKHEADS!"
    >everyone looking at me
    >I mean.....*wookie noise*
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)15:02 No.16410311
    It really is, yes. Call of Cthulhu (and I'm *assuming* Delta Green, never actually played that one) is pretty much perfect for a modern-day game with a hint of magic. I think the real cool thing is that your players are ACTUALLY human, as in a single shot from a powerful enough gun WILL kill them. But the same applies to your enemies.
    >> PurgatoryGuy 09/24/11(Sat)16:15 No.16411067
    Another good one for you.

    First, some backstory. Group wanted Wolfenstein Grimdark 4th Edition Gurps. I promised this. The problem was I failed to deliver, as they never reached any secret nazi bases, as they fled from any semblance of plot wildly.

    Demanding realistic gameplay, I downloaded body charts and medical history tablets, making one for each character. Every wounds, every disease was meticulously going to be recorded so that if you were shot in the knee, you would feel that same wound a year later still giving you trouble in that knee. The players loved this going in. Aw'right. Grimdark.

    So, first of all. Macguffin happens, they get warped from a desert town in northern africa via some SS plot devices, literally. They land on a hillside, along with all the debris of the town buildings that came with them. Many of the players suffered concussions and broken bones, part of the intro. Unknown to them the large foothill the town was nestled under was lawl supa secret nazi base. This was never discovered.

    The first plan of action was OMGRUN. But people were wounded, so they made a stone shanty out of debris as they went diving in the rubble for more loot. Players almosted died by tunneling into the collapsed mortar and stone. But whiskey was found.
    >> PurgatoryGuy 09/24/11(Sat)16:16 No.16411073
    The shenanigans started when all the players realized they all had the paranoid flaw. One player set up booby traps around their sleeping hut. And didn't tell the other players. So. One player, who literally had an overactive bladder disad, went outside to piss, sets off a grenade. Party is in alert mode, the pissing player runs back into the hut, gets shot nonfatally. They are about to execute him. I have done nothing of the sort.

    Until this moment.

    During an ass-rot break, I tell one of the players the shot guy has nightmares at the lowest level he can have it. So, I wanted him to roleplay out shooting him in the head. The player, being a sadist and his character a sadist, did so after stepping on his wounds and telling him what a worthless addition to the party he was. Because, he was a dick. (For those who saw the Man-troll who shits his pants and sits on our furniture, YO).

    I salvage the nightmare omg moment when I point out he wakes up from being passed out from the shock of the bullet, and he breathes a sigh of relief. Sadist tries to tell party I told him to do the extra shit. No one believes him. Moving on.

    After finally moving out of the landing zone, they beeline for a coastal city the locals said had a large radio. But upon getting within eyesight of it after a few ambushes, they see a nazi flag and flee. I do not blame the fleeing, I figured they'd at least dive into the adventure, but figure when they get back to safety their superiors will use them to investigate the base and such later, when they're not scared shitless.

    So, they end up taking their jeep through the wet territory of the southern african jungle areas, and none of the players have survival jungle, or make their survival rolls, or have their own common sense to see why sleeping in the jeep next to a jungle river is a bad idea. So one player secretly contracts yellow fever.
    >> PurgatoryGuy 09/24/11(Sat)16:17 No.16411080
    Fast forward to the day he is puking out blood and shitting out dried out blood, on deaths door, in their jeep. The players treat him (rightfully) as if he has the plague, as his yellow fever has evolved into its final stages, and other sicknesses have him right ill. He is sitting on top of the trunk, where most of their gear is stored, and they begin talking about how they should just put him out of his misery and get the hell out of dodge.

    The character hears this, and tries to call them over to talk to them and give them permission. I shit you not...
    "Quiet Typhoid Mary. The adults are talking."
    >> PurgatoryGuy 09/24/11(Sat)16:17 No.16411082
    So, Typhoid Jim gets mad. And this guy as a player NEVER gets mad. He crawls off the jeep, making his saves to stay conscious with Luck as he falls off, and crawls under the jeep.
    >"I pull my grenade out and pull the pin"
    >You're feeling pretty weak, you don't think you can reach them from here.
    >I'm not throwing it. I release the hammer, and wait.

    So, he detonates himself, and their jeep with all of their loot, ammo, weapons, secret nazi documents, food, drink and medical supplies apart from what was on their bodies in a blaze of explosion.

    The subsequent explosion, shrapnel, and resulting explosions from the other things in their jeep wound and nearly kill most of the others. And then we begin rolling on the ammunition, and sure enough a few of them pop and their casings give enough shrapnel to mortally wound one fellow.

    As the medic is about to do surgery on captain Sadism, he warns the medic if he fails, he will make sure the medic dies before he does. The medic asks me if he can crit fail intentionally to kill him. Sure enough he does, the sadist tries to get an action in but fails his roll to not pass out, and dies. The final two players, refusing to go back to the town that harbored and helped them or anything, wander north and die of exposure, despite my best efforts to give them opportunities. We call a TPK, and adjourn for a new game.

    Never had a single case of yellow fever TPK a group. But BOY WAS IT FUN.
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)16:22 No.16411125
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    The proper use of grenades:

    >Dying like a man
    >Taking someone with you to the gates of hell.
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)19:51 No.16412855
    Wow, this thread died? Are we really out of stories /tg/?
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)20:14 No.16413068
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    one of the funniest if not funniest shit I've read on /tg/
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)20:18 No.16413106
    I saw this in my head as a kung-fu movie blooper reel. It was awesome.
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)20:33 No.16413209
    I lol'd so hard I seriously thought I was going to choke
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)20:34 No.16413221
    more like people don't like posting stories in longer threads because they crave responses and your story will get lost among the many others in excessively long threads

    which is the case for me
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)20:41 No.16413258
    We were chasing some evil cultists and lost track of them. The paladin was really frustrated with the fact and did a quick prayer for (literal) "divine guidance". The GM made some rolls, smiled and said he feels good about turning right into the next alley.

    I lol'd when the pallie's reaction running into a dead end was
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)20:59 No.16413448
    >"I'm gonna drink it, its swirly!"
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)22:25 No.16414378
    still not letting this thread die, :)
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)23:12 No.16414944

    I'm confused. What did you want me to post about it as an example? Make an example world with the table?
    >> Anonymous 09/24/11(Sat)23:48 No.16415487
    Come'on guy don't ignore

    >> Anonymous 09/25/11(Sun)00:08 No.16415696
    Because they're tiny, and they try so, so hard.
    >> Anonymous 09/25/11(Sun)02:12 No.16416975
    I couldn't stop laughing for like 10 minutes straight. I was choking too much.
    >> Anonymous 09/25/11(Sun)02:23 No.16417093
    2 stories fa/tg/uys.

    >Play Dark Heresy
    >Roll up a psyker that eventually takes biomancy or whatsitcalled
    >DM allows me to shape shift parts of my body as long as it's not OP
    >Party decides to climb up a cliff
    >"I'll turn myself into a ladder made of dicks, guys!"

    The other was in a mage one shot I played recently
    >We're fighting a mage dude who's summoned a fire bear and a fire tiger
    >The animals are literally made of fire, there is no corporeal form to them at all
    >We're all informed of this
    >Turn gets around to the brawler who is facing the bear
    >"I punch it"

    That was a fun game to be a medic in.
    >> Anonymous 09/25/11(Sun)05:18 No.16418361
    Tell me the brawler was a dwarf.
    >> Anonymous 09/25/11(Sun)05:40 No.16418463
    Seriously, what is up with people just wanting to punch things?
    >> Stoned Anon !T4VTNxSe0k 09/25/11(Sun)05:45 No.16418489

    If I punched a hole through the fabric of reality into another plane of existence, I think he can punch fire.
    >> Anonymous 09/25/11(Sun)05:50 No.16418509
    Whenever your players loot a wild animal, give them a single gold coin (not in any known currency) and a pewter spoon. Elder Scrolls fans will get a kick out of it.
    >> Anonymous 09/25/11(Sun)05:50 No.16418512
    >>D&D 3.5
    >>party is on the move between cities
    >>have to camp out for the night
    >>"alright, you guys arrive at a clearing just as night falls"
    >>rogue suddenly rolls a d20, I ask him whats up
    >>"I'm rolling reflex. thats a 23 by the way.''
    >>"Why would you roll reflex?''
    >>''you told us night was falling, so I'm rolling to dodge it"
    >>we all proceed to laugh like idiots for 10 minutes.
    >> Anonymous 09/25/11(Sun)06:05 No.16418587

    >playing a homebrew game with three friends
    >one of them brings his girlfriend along who clearly does not give a damn
    >she is eventually weedled into playing
    >hands me a character sheet that says Xena Warrior Princess
    >party is in the middle of negotiations in a small town, arguing over the finer points of some quest details and payment
    >Xena throws a chakram at the mayor
    >Xena then finishes him off by snapping his neck and going LILILILILILIL
    >Rest of the party wants to know what the fuck she did that for
    >> Anonymous 09/25/11(Sun)06:24 No.16418675
    the second one reminds me of the time i forced the BBEG to dance with me.
    >> Anonymous 09/25/11(Sun)07:02 No.16418838
    >DMing the return to the tomb of horror stuff
    >Player's are at the top of Desatysso's fortress, there's this giant showing his son how to throw rock at peoples
    >Ranger goes full apeshit, says he want to cut the father balls off while he is bent over the fortress top
    >Giant fall down with his balls ripped out by an axe
    >Our faces
    >> Anonymous 09/25/11(Sun)07:41 No.16418994
    >my face when you have no face
    >my face when I too have no face
    >> Anonymous 09/25/11(Sun)08:02 No.16419140
    I once challenged the dancer in white to a dancing contest, and beated him at the rhythm of Beat It.
    >> Anonymous 09/25/11(Sun)10:02 No.16419798
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    One of the best stories I've read on /tg/.
    >> Anonymous 09/25/11(Sun)10:35 No.16419830
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    posting a screencap
    >> Anonymous 09/25/11(Sun)11:16 No.16420087

    I don't get it.
    >> Anonymous 09/25/11(Sun)11:21 No.16420129

    >> Anonymous 09/25/11(Sun)11:25 No.16420155

    That story always makes me laugh, the sheer number of people they screwed over is ridiculous! That and the fact that they got away with it.
    >> Anonymous 09/25/11(Sun)13:43 No.16421271
    Dude, being given an extra set of arms would be awesome.

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