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  • File : 1315130836.jpg-(30 KB, 300x444, Conrad66.jpg)
    30 KB ITT authors as DMs Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)06:07 No.16175825  
    Okay. You walk into the forest. It's dark and oppressive. Roll for SAN damage.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)06:08 No.16175833
    You suck.
    >> Painful Elegy 09/04/11(Sun)06:09 No.16175841

    I pull out pavlov's bell. I have conditioned myself to become more sane when it is rung. I ring it for a value equal to the amount of Sanity Damage I would have taken.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)06:15 No.16175886
         File1315131346.jpg-(20 KB, 363x496, james-joyce.jpg)
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    You walk into the forest with the rest of your group the trees are ripe like maple syrup in the blossom of spring woman in group is buxom and truly alphalinebirdvesselbodacious while feces trickle down your leg

    roll for anal circumference
    >> Painful Elegy 09/04/11(Sun)06:18 No.16175906

    Use girdle of dexlax. Automatically take one step towards constipation. I no longer have feces dripping.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)06:20 No.16175921
         File1315131653.jpg-(40 KB, 650x477, martin.jpg)
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    You walk into the forest.

    Okay, that's it for this session, see you in another three years!
    >> Painful Elegy 09/04/11(Sun)06:22 No.16175928

    HOLD IT! I use my padlock of extending, allowing me to lock us in this room until we get decent progress in this campaign!
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)06:25 No.16175952

    You will never be as filthy a pervert as James Joyce, feels bad man. All that /d/ for nothing.

    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)06:25 No.16175957
    Turtledove would be one of those DM's that refuse to play anything but GURPS, and he has a vicious boner for the Infinity Worlds supplement. But you know what? You never have a boring game with him.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)06:27 No.16175965
         File1315132054.png-(393 KB, 252x315, jim.png)
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    Are you sure you don't want to roll investigation one more time?
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)06:29 No.16175980
         File1315132180.jpg-(63 KB, 647x654, Ernest Hemingway.jpg)
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    You walk into a forest.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)06:31 No.16175995
         File1315132294.jpg-(123 KB, 600x450, gu_20080305.jpg)
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    >> Painful Elegy 09/04/11(Sun)06:33 No.16176009

    No, I use my fists of punching to resolve the issue.


    No, I walk out of a forest with my boots of forest leaving.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)06:37 No.16176034
         File1315132670.jpg-(63 KB, 330x433, 54388_paolini_christopher.jpg)
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    You want to play a... a dwarf? Alright, if you REALLY want to.

    Just so you know my DMPC will be a Half-Elf Dragon Rider, he'll be the leader of the group.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)06:39 No.16176047
         File1315132795.jpg-(51 KB, 292x295, terry_goodkind[1].jpg)
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    "Ok, random encounter. On the road you see ... *roll* a bunch of filthy pacifists ..."
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)06:43 No.16176070
         File1315132993.jpg-(34 KB, 200x294, robertjordan.jpg)
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    You walk into the forest. The leaves and branches are shaken by the wind. The wind was not the beginning. There are neither beginnings nor endings to the turning of the Wheel of Time. But it was A beginning.
    >> Painful Elegy 09/04/11(Sun)06:43 No.16176074

    I Feed him a pill of dragonbane, he becomes too weak to adventure, so I take his place as leader


    I use flowers of understanding, and the hippies leave without the need for combat.
    >> Painful Elegy 09/04/11(Sun)06:45 No.16176082

    I use the pickaxe of simplification to make time linear instead of circlular.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)06:45 No.16176088
         File1315133142.jpg-(9 KB, 247x350, jrrtolkien.jpg)
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    Hey, you still haven't heard 12-pages long description of this rock left to you!
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)06:47 No.16176096
         File1315133240.jpg-(19 KB, 353x450, aleksandr-solzhenitsyn.jpg)
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    You are kidnapped by the secret police. Again.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)06:48 No.16176107
         File1315133302.jpg-(40 KB, 200x257, 346732[1].jpg)
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    Alright, three years later. You're out of the forest. You approach town. It smells like shit. There's shit in the streets. Th smallfolk are covered in shit. You see a dirty peasant taking a shit in the middle of the street. A whore comes over and grabs his cock while he shits. Ahead of you is a tavern. Inside, you find it is actually a whorehouse/tavern. It still smells like shit. Only now it smells like shit, sweat, sex, and food. Oh, man the food. Let me tell you about the fucking food.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)06:48 No.16176108
         File1315133307.jpg-(58 KB, 365x490, fyodor-dostoyevsky.jpg)
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    Guys, is it just me or does something about this campaign seem familiar?
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)06:49 No.16176115
    I'm sorry, but their hatred of moral clarity overcomes understanding. They are unarmed. Cut them down!
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)06:52 No.16176130
         File1315133520.jpg-(27 KB, 390x261, camus.jpg)
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    A plot critical NPC has just died. The kingdom has been thrown into chaos and revolution. It is very hot today.
    >> Painful Elegy 09/04/11(Sun)06:53 No.16176138
    I use the monocle of immediate knowledge, making it so I know everything you were going to describe and more.

    I use the pen of irony. I now am the secret police.

    I use the rose tinted noseplugs. All shit now smells like roses to me.

    I use the glove of unarmed domination. I give each of them a firm handshake and gain total dominion over them, then force them to leave.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)06:53 No.16176139

    Did she die today or yesterday?
    >> Painful Elegy 09/04/11(Sun)06:54 No.16176144
    I use the dial of plot relevance. I now restore order by being able to do everything that was required of the critical NPC.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)06:55 No.16176153
    You are executed because you do not cry at said NPC's funeral
    >> Espagnoll !/5aJFFL8RI 09/04/11(Sun)06:55 No.16176155
         File1315133718.jpg-(62 KB, 303x300, moorcock.jpg)
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    "Okay, after crossing the forest full of nymphs who had bribed you with telling to those you love your must secret fantasies hidden in your dreams you reach a small town chaos worshippers where seems everything is being done backwards for some supernatural reason. An affable wizard dressed like a 19th century British gentleman appears..."
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)06:57 No.16176166
         File1315133833.jpg-(387 KB, 800x1091, Stanislaw_Lem_2.jpg)
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    So you're in your rocket watching pcmies and murkwies, heading into Betelgeuse, where, as you have heard, grows moving potatoes...
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)06:57 No.16176170
         File1315133868.jpg-(245 KB, 3750x3750, 1313563756624.jpg)
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    >> Painful Elegy 09/04/11(Sun)06:58 No.16176171
    I use my orb of indifference, making it so no one cares that I didn't cry, thus diverting my execution.

    I use the postage stamp moustache of cultural overwriting to return this town to normal.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)06:59 No.16176185
    Elegy, get out. Just get out.
    >> Painful Elegy 09/04/11(Sun)07:00 No.16176186
    I use the thesaurus of simplification. the rest of the campaign will use no made up names for races or species without giving proper description prior.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)07:01 No.16176194
         File1315134092.jpg-(14 KB, 203x152, A C Clarke.jpg)
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    What? Do you say that nothing happened in last ten sessions?
    You have discovered all that empty cities! And tiles of completely irrelevant fields!
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)07:02 No.16176206
         File1315134176.jpg-(13 KB, 240x308, 240px-Shakespeare.jpg)
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    Windsor Forest at night, dark as Arcadia the rare
    Take hold of the dice, for by the left there comes a fucking bear.
    >> Painful Elegy 09/04/11(Sun)07:03 No.16176208
    I use my rod of ignoring posts to ignore this post.

    I use the tapestry of overview to understand what this has to do with the overarching campaign.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)07:03 No.16176213

    I roll to drive my girlfriend to suicide.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)07:05 No.16176224
    nat 20. In your grief, you slay her brother, then commit suicide as well.
    Upon walking in, the queen, overcome by all this death, takes a drought of wine, but it has been poisoned, so she dies as well.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)07:09 No.16176237

    Shit yeah, that'll teach my douchebag Uncle to try and take dad's chair.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)07:09 No.16176239
    That Guy thread?
    >> OP 09/04/11(Sun)07:09 No.16176244
    But what about the three witches? And the posse of low-level aristocrats converging with knives?
    >> Painful Elegy 09/04/11(Sun)07:10 No.16176248
    Wasn't supposed to be, but I made it a Bat Guy Thread.

    (You all know that batman would totally do this if he was a player in a campaign.)
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)07:10 No.16176249

    Don't worry, we can flee to that island with all the nature spirits on it, or maybe that forest full of fae.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)07:10 No.16176250
         File1315134653.jpg-(18 KB, 340x225, douglas_adams340x225.jpg)
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    Let's roll on the improbable encounters sheet... Oooh, right.

    You encounter a living mattress creature. While it has no discernable features, from it's posture and general demeanour you determine it is enthusiastically optimistic and upbeat to a truly ridiculous extent.

    Do you want to drink the last of your tea to avoid a SAN check?
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)07:11 No.16176254
         File1315134684.jpg-(38 KB, 400x400, get a load of this guy.jpg)
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    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)07:16 No.16176282

    I'm not sure I would have liked mr.Adams as DM, he seems way too lulrandum for me.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)07:19 No.16176301
         File1315135180.jpg-(1.06 MB, 960x2598, Advanced_dungeons_and_discours(...).jpg)
    1.06 MB
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)07:19 No.16176302
         File1315135194.jpg-(7 KB, 150x172, steven_erikson.jpg)
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    What do you mean I've spent half the session explaining the architecture of the ancient ruins you've found, and the subtle nuances and differences to the race that once lived here is in comparison to yourself?

    Fine, you open a gateway into a warren, and enter another world, let me just take out my notes and I'll explain to you this strange but exciting new world...!
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)07:22 No.16176312
         File1315135327.gif-(55 KB, 376x283, seuss.gif)
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    You walk into the wood and see a brumble berry patch.
    And guarding this old berry patch is a brumble berry bratch.
    The bratch is dancing on its toes, dancing away with glee.
    It sings of all the places you'll go, all of the places you'll see.

    You'll see Paris and Rome and London, you'll see
    You'll see Marcher and Lorthor and Gree.
    You'll see Merry ole' Gerry O' Terry Terree
    Where vrinkles sing songs and ping pongs and drink tea.

    You'll see Garanon Thilee Mon Ethel.
    And there you'll meet Master Mac Mel.
    He knows of old tomes and reads stars and rings bells
    He'll send you along to the Tower Tel Fel.

    At the top of the tower there stands a large light.
    But you won't reach the large light without fighting a fight
    But oh, the fight that you'll fight to reach tower's light
    And when you arrive you'll know it was right.

    You'll see the kingdom of Borp.
    Now the kingdom of Borp is merry old thorpe
    In the kinddom of Borp is a king named King Yorp.
    King Yorp is the nineteenth King Yorp in old Borp.

    King Yorp of old Borp likes to race racing cows.
    But nobody ever tells old Yorp just quite how.
    In Yorp there are no cows, only horses and sows.
    And occasionally something called a raofowmaotow.

    Raofowmaotow are a curious thing.
    They like to eat fishes, and they like to box kings.
    So if you make it to Borp and you meet Yorp and he sings
    "I'll never race cows," tell him this curious thing
    Raofowmaotows won't race kings, but
    Raofowmaotows might box kings, Yorp the king!

    Perhaps Yorp will box the raofowmaotow
    Perhaps Yorp will just sit and trade stories about
    How Yorp, king of Borp has never raced cows
    But the raoformaotow races a king who'll race cows.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)07:23 No.16176320
    Truly random. He has a sheet with up to 6500 different outcomes. Some only subtly different. Some imperceptibly different. Some result in the end of the world, some may teach you how to fly. One may involve a being who has been re-incarnated countless times and killed by one specific party member every time.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)07:25 No.16176330
    I love you in a completely non-homosexual way.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)07:26 No.16176337

    Um...so do I roll now?
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)07:32 No.16176370
         File1315135922.jpg-(197 KB, 542x780, Doctor Seuss DM.jpg)
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    For posterity.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)07:33 No.16176380
         File1315135995.jpg-(55 KB, 640x320, outstanding.jpg)
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    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)07:39 No.16176420
    Pretentious hipster bullshit in comic form, with an insufferable vanilla azn bitch to legitimize it. I weep for the future of webcomics.

    Seuss can DM for me any day.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)07:40 No.16176431

    Webcomics have NEVER been overwhelmingly good. It's always been a few good ones in a sea of crap and it's still that way now.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)07:45 No.16176460
    I'm beginning to see that. Back in the day I ate them all up. Now it seems like the entire field is littered with third-strings at best. OotS is still my favorite, but it updates so slowly I can't really get into the story.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)07:47 No.16176467
         File1315136826.jpg-(14 KB, 342x456, IsaacAsimov[1].jpg___SQUARESPA(...).jpg)
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    Even though you completely failed in your attempt to assasinate the orkish king, his entire kingdom tears itself appart due to the socioeconomic intertia contained in the momentum determined by the social structures the orcs are based around. Back home the wizard tells you that this was predicted by mathamancy, and in fact the probability of this occuring was 99.83% thus your actions held no possible relevance.

    Why are you even playing again?
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)07:49 No.16176483
         File1315136968.jpg-(6 KB, 200x254, Michael_Crichton.jpg)
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    You walk into a forest. It is filled with horrible mockeries of nature, created by science with no care for consequences or morals. Now, please refer to graphs 1A to 9C as I explain exactly how science has done this...
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)07:50 No.16176491

    But hey, CTRL+ALT+DELETE is still a great webcomic
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)07:51 No.16176502

    Too far, dude. Some things you don't joke about.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)07:51 No.16176508
         File1315137104.jpg-(88 KB, 425x292, 1310518344554.jpg)
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    As you get up from bed you realize there is someone standing right behind you.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)07:54 No.16176527
         File1315137254.jpg-(33 KB, 300x451, Stephenie_Meyer.jpg)
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    "Ok you all start in a high school roll for perception"

    "You see the most handsome, pale person in existence, roll to not be charmed by his stunning good looks"

    "You all fail the roll, you are hopelessly in love with this beautiful guy"

    "E-excuse me Meyer, isn't this suppose to be a VtM game? Vampi--"

    "Edward, the beautiful man decides to kill you because he sensed that you were a werewolf"
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)07:55 No.16176542
    I roll to commit suicide.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)07:55 No.16176543
         File1315137359.jpg-(24 KB, 461x403, aliens.jpg)
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    Your BBEG?

    He's an alien.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)07:56 No.16176547
    Player response to:

    Tolkien -- Would you please shut up about the goddam trees and get on with the fucking plot? And quit skipping away whenever something exciting happens and coming back when everything's already over. Also, please, for the love of all that is holy, stop fucking singing.

    Lovecraft -- Oh, for the love of God! Is there some way to save ourselves the trouble of playing for hours and hours, when we already know the endings? Isn't there some table I can roll on to determine if I go insane, kill myself, go insane and kill myself, or turn into a fish............. then go insane and kill myself?

    Mieville -- No, really. I understand that the city's interesting. Yes. I understand that this part of the city is different from the part we were just in. Yes, with the walls that... yes. No, I got it. It's just that all I wanted to do was to buy a sack so my character would have somewhere to put his loot. No, I understand about the colorful people that live here. Yes... with the drums and the... yes. But we were supposed to start the dungeon adventure three hours ago and... what? Oh. We've entered a new part of the city?
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)07:57 No.16176556
         File1315137442.jpg-(16 KB, 300x390, m-night-shyamalan.jpg)
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    You walk into the BBEG's chamber. It is empty. Suddenly, you realize that you were the BBEG all along.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)07:58 No.16176562
         File1315137495.jpg-(106 KB, 468x588, article-0-0B051372000005DC-766(...).jpg)
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    sorry, I just don't feel like GMing
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)07:58 No.16176563
         File1315137495.jpg-(148 KB, 701x864, williamblakeportrait.jpg)
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    You walk into the forest. One man's forest is another man's field. You realize the entity you called the GM was created by you.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)07:58 No.16176567
         File1315137518.jpg-(32 KB, 360x235, anne_rice(1).jpg)
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    Get out of here with your NWoD shit girlfriend, it's all humanity rolls all the time over here
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)07:59 No.16176577
         File1315137573.jpg-(31 KB, 613x475, smile londo.jpg)
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    >He's an alien.
    What was that?
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)08:02 No.16176601
         File1315137742.jpg-(2 KB, 120x160, Raymond_Feist.jpg)
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    Okay guys, you're gonna loooove this session! First, you'll meet no less than 2 new types of elf! And then, you get to fight another demonic invasion! Awesome!
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)08:04 No.16176612
         File1315137867.gif-(44 KB, 300x390, jack-chick.gif)
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    You all go instantly to Hell to be roasted in a large pot with some popes.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)08:05 No.16176620

    Not now, i'm fighting the zombie!
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)08:05 No.16176622
         File1315137922.jpg-(11 KB, 184x286, hp-lovecraft.jpg)
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    The floor is now Cthulhu and smells like fish, roll for SAN.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)08:08 No.16176642
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    You're waken up by a mysterious sound coming from the apartment next door, you hear a thud and giggling, then a thud and giggling again, it repeats over and over again, you get up and knock on the wall and scream "shut up! people are trying to sleep here!" the sound stops and you go back to bed.

    Only to hear the thuds again, now on the front door, annoyed you get up and open the door of your room in order to go to the front door and scream at what's more likely a drunk teenager, as you open the door of your bedroom you realize the front door is open...
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)08:10 No.16176655
         File1315138234.jpg-(22 KB, 362x503, GeoreOrwell.jpg)
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    Your Oceanian officer asks you whether the V2's are ready to be fired upon Airstrip One.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)08:21 No.16176727
         File1315138860.jpg-(16 KB, 265x183, astrid-lindgren1.jpg)
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    You walk into the forest. Since your existence is meaningless you commit suicide. You wake up in a fantasy world
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)08:22 No.16176738
         File1315138944.jpg-(312 KB, 711x948, Kafka_portrait.jpg)
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    You wake up. SAN check.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)08:25 No.16176749
    I roll Diplomacy at the orc, thereby trapping him between his imperative to murder me and his imperative to be my friend. He is now doomed to walk in circles around me for the rest of his life.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)08:26 No.16176767
    You wake up. You realize you are now a giant bug. You are late for work.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)08:26 No.16176769
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    You wander into a well-lit office, filled with books, notes and a typewriter, only to be greeted by a man with a shaved head. He begins speaking to you in a barely discernable Scottish accent.

    "Hello, I'm the DM, your travels here, nay your entire existance, is a personal liberty facilitated by the application of this group's and my own imagination. This is ultimately fulfilled by a process of dice-rolling and collective story construction. You may believe your character, or yourself, to be an original being, but in truth you are a reflection of the concept of a hero within our group consciousness, and are thus a creation of the current zeitgeist of your reflective culture as a whole."
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)08:45 No.16176871
    rolled 49 = 49

    Who the hell leaves their front door open?
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)08:48 No.16176896
         File1315140490.jpg-(10 KB, 201x300, rodserling.jpg)
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    Your party steps into a void, a place entering a dimension beyond the regular perception of man. You're entering a place where events bear sinister consequences, and the accepted laws of reality twist and bend. A dimension not only of sight and sound, but of mind. Next stop, the Twilight Zone.

    Roll SAN.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)08:51 No.16176921
         File1315140695.jpg-(106 KB, 500x799, jimmy-carr-2010-october.jpg)
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    You walk into a forest.

    And say "ouch".
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)08:58 No.16176965
         File1315141082.jpg-(60 KB, 468x653, AVT_Terry-Pratchett_4811..jpg)
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    Okay, so you walk in a forest and...

    Sorry, what did I male you quest for again ?
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)08:59 No.16176970
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)08:59 No.16176979
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    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)09:00 No.16176982
    that's not funny dude
    and I don't even like his stuff
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)09:00 No.16176990
    >what did I male you quest for again ?
    Uh, was that... intentional? I really can't tell.
    I've been waiting for this post the entire thread and I'm kind of disappointed.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)09:00 No.16176992

    You bastard.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)09:01 No.16176995
         File1315141274.jpg-(34 KB, 631x353, 1312901249242.jpg)
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    Sixty million years dungeon.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)09:08 No.16177045

    I don't like you. You're a bad man for doing that.

    That is all.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)09:10 No.16177058
    You walk into a forest and are suddenly surrounded by NPC's that are far more powerful and interesting than your characters. The rest of the campaign you will be railroaded with the awesome side characters doing most of the work.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)09:10 No.16177060
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)09:11 No.16177065
         File1315141878.jpg-(30 KB, 454x299, neilgaiman.jpg)
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    Forgot image. FFFFFF
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)09:14 No.16177076
    Am I an author? I don't remember writing anything!
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)09:18 No.16177102
    "Ok, random encounter. On the road you see ... *roll* demon rape, and all kinds of regular rape ..."
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)09:20 No.16177111
    Having Gaiman for a GM would be like a greentext thread on /tg/

    >You are a little girl
    >Your demonic mirror-universe mother wants to sew buttons into your eyes
    >wat do
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)09:26 No.16177142
         File1315142798.jpg-(61 KB, 493x304, Warren-Ellis.jpg)
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    Everyone starts with Nanotech implants and WiFi.

    Yes, even your uborn child.

    ESPECIALLY the unborn child.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)09:29 No.16177161
         File1315142997.jpg-(240 KB, 900x1350, DavidBCoe.jpg)
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    "Looks like all twenty of our players are here, let's get this campaign started"
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)09:32 No.16177175
         File1315143133.jpg-(75 KB, 1002x675, Vonnegut.jpg)
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    You walk into a Forest, the dead leaves on the ground remind you that you are growing older, so it goes. 20 years ago the party worked for a used car salesman who caught his wife sleeping with another man. He shot the man dead and then commited suicide. 5 years after the current campaign the party will all meet up with each other and have a party to celebrate the clerics birthday. Kilgor Trout will be there. On the distant planet Tralfmador a strange Orange Fellow with inflatable suction cups for feet laments the fact that he was never able to bring peace to the creatures known as humans. So it goes.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)09:33 No.16177188
         File1315143215.jpg-(18 KB, 300x424, HM(Front).jpg)
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    As the 13-year-old girl gazes deep into your eyes - wait, where are you going?
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)09:36 No.16177204
    who is this supposed to be?
    >> Guybrarian 09/04/11(Sun)09:37 No.16177212

    Met this guy last night. Actually a cool guy.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)09:37 No.16177216
    haruki murakami, going by the filename i suppose?
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)09:39 No.16177228
         File1315143547.jpg-(142 KB, 430x497, Kojima.jpg)
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    You want to roll a sniper with a soft spot for wolves? Okay.
    You want to run a russian gunslinger cowbow? Okay.
    You want to run a bondage-gimp telepath? I can do this.

    Now, let's begin our completely serious war drama.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)09:41 No.16177239
    Oh! My wife reads him a lot. I should have guessed at the initials.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)09:42 No.16177245

    Haruki Murakami, Japanese surrealist.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)09:43 No.16177250
         File1315143791.jpg-(13 KB, 400x450, keynes.jpg)
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    In the long run all of you will die. Good game, see you next week.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)09:44 No.16177262
    Ugly stuff. Well-done, but still ugly, and barely relevant.

    Oh, well, contemporary art...
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)09:46 No.16177280
         File1315143998.jpg-(14 KB, 217x300, bret-easton-ellis.jpg)
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    What, you don't want to play a shallow sex-crazed bisexual drug addict with enough intimacy issues for two soap operas?

    That's fine. I guess you could also be a shallow repressed homosexual drug addict with enough intimacy issues for two soap operas. I mean, I don't want to limit your character options.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)09:48 No.16177302
         File1315144127.jpg-(11 KB, 178x268, dangookin.jpg)
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    Roll for initiative, dummy.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)09:53 No.16177334
    Beautiful stuff. Well-done, beautiful, relevant stuff.

    Ah, contemporary art.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)09:57 No.16177359
    asspulled, vague commentary on unrelated forms of art, made out of clown feces and molten candy.

    urkh, contemporary art.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)09:59 No.16177379
    This is basically what I was going to post. Well done.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)10:01 No.16177386
         File1315144872.jpg-(41 KB, 320x534, Matthe Reilly1.jpg)
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    So lets recap last session, when we left you were all stuck at the bottom of a pit, remember, because James' brother had pushed you in. Yeah the brother that no one mentioned until he was behind you. But he was, here's a character sheet to prove it. Now back to the story. James leaps up the wall using his grav boots and helps each of you up. Than he proceeds to jump into a plane and fly around the hangar running people over. You guys did want a realistic campaign right? Well just watch, I don't want your luck messing this up.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)10:01 No.16177389
         File1315144882.jpg-(765 KB, 2181x3030, Nabokov.jpg)
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    "Can you get over your 12-year old sister who wants to fuck you for a second and focus on all these marvellous plot twists I've created?"
    >> mercury01 09/04/11(Sun)10:11 No.16177471
         File1315145469.jpg-(9 KB, 200x260, robert-howard_0.jpg)
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    You travel down the forested path, unaware of the eyes that follow you. Suddenly a group of evil-looking negroes block your path. Their white teeth gleam with malice as they demand you hand over Jeanette's character (I told you you shouldn't have picked a female) or you will die on their spears.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)10:13 No.16177495
         File1315145616.jpg-(103 KB, 800x600, ChinaMieville_1.jpg)
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    Alright, we're going to play a game of Mage set in London. Roll to determine skills in UNIX, making paper planes, television tuning, and necromancy.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)10:15 No.16177512
    +1 I was trying to think of a good China Meiville one.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)10:40 No.16177713
    this is only if you have a primarily-fa/tg/uy party.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)10:41 No.16177721

    you fucking fail at this
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)10:44 No.16177742
         File1315147464.jpg-(172 KB, 900x500, Humanity first.jpg)
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    Someone else reads Solzhenitsyn.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)10:46 No.16177761
         File1315147604.jpg-(9 KB, 150x225, 150px-Robert_Jordan.jpg)
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    So you're all female characters, and you enter the forest... where you are ambushed by servants of the dark one. They restrain you with magic and then tie you up in many elaborate ways, which I will now detail in full detail, all while drugging you.

    Oh and then you are sold as slaves and trained using magic collars to be obedient.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)10:47 No.16177768
    Alright, now you're in a labour camp.
    Roll to assemble prefabs.
    Okay, now roll persuasion to bum some cigarettes off the Ukrainian.
    Good, good, now roll stealth to avoid being noticed skiving work by the guards.
    Roll fort to avoid dying of frostbite. Again.
    Alright, that's....another day. Just another 300 sessions and we should be ready to move the plot forward.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)11:01 No.16177862
         File1315148473.jpg-(21 KB, 397x283, Milan Kundera.jpg)
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    Well, you know what, reroll that. I'm only going to let you die when it's gonna mean something.

    Chill out though, I've got no problem with occasional rerolls for the sake of story, it's not bad that you have shit social skills, you couldn't know. For some reason no matter what I play, only the bard doesn't get fucked over in my campaigns, all the while I hate bard players. It's all in the dice man, I am telling you.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)11:05 No.16177884
         File1315148725.jpg-(103 KB, 568x437, iloldcat.jpg)
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    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)11:16 No.16177954
         File1315149381.jpg-(10 KB, 200x240, rPSmb5ati8tFQyG.jpg)
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    Congrats, you guys are now all level 20 whenever you wear your awesome armor. Oh, looks like Satan is up to something again, the wily bastard. Whenever you lot get done boning your buxom mate that's totally 10/10, good job on that by the way, you guys might want to get to stopping him.

    Oh, and make two quick SAN checks or your characters don't understand how they're fucking the ghost of their mother dressed like Marilyn Monroe, causing them to fall into the endless void forever to be torn apart by tendril beasts while Satan uses their absence to devour the souls of the mortals on the prime material plane. And, uh, two more INT checks after those SAN checks, and if you fail, same deal.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)11:31 No.16178092
         File1315150298.jpg-(16 KB, 500x280, chuck-palahniuk-time-May2009.jpg)
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    You aren't roleplaying hard enough. Once you made complicated characters, play them. Fucking conversate more! Talk even about unrelated shit, but interact! It's like your character here isn't even schisophrenic, that's a trait that comes into play a lot, if you do it right.

    Just so you know, I'm having fun in this campaign, myself, but how can this timid stuff be fun for you, I ain't sure. You all oughta be more outgoing... WAY more outgoing. I know it's modern day in the game, but we haven't had single combat yet, for christ's sake.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)11:48 No.16178236
         File1315151289.jpg-(212 KB, 1200x1543, saganplanets.jpg)
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    The Elder Being (disguised as your father) grants you a vision of the greater cosmos. You see every star, every satellite, every piece of star-matter flitting in the void like so many grains of sand on a beach longer than you could hope to comprehend in a normal human lifespan. Suddenly the lives of every human being, tyrants and saints all alike, seems inconsequential.

    Roll for Sanity damage, but you can avoid the loss by passing a Science check and reconciling with the vast wonders of the cosmos.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)11:58 No.16178314
         File1315151897.jpg-(22 KB, 242x242, dawkins.jpg)
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    Your Cleric spells do absolutely nothing.

    Pray all you like, you receive no answer from your supposed "god".

    Ignore all divine-related bonuses you get from your character class.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)12:00 No.16178329
    I'm a big fan of Soviet writers in general.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)12:05 No.16178367
         File1315152336.jpg-(18 KB, 240x360, Melville.jpg)
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    "Is it that by its indefiniteness it shadows forth the heartless voids and immensities of the universe, and thus stabs us from behind with the thought of annihilation, when beholding the radiant depths of the Far Realm? Or is it, that as in essence the void is not so much a color as the visible absence of color; and at the same time the concrete of all colors; is it for these reasons that there is such a dumb blankness, full of meaning, in a wide landscape of stars - a colorless, all-color of atheism from which we shrink? And when we consider that other theory of the Wizards, that all other earthly hues — every stately or lovely emblazoning — the sweet tinges of sunset skies and woods; yea, and the gilded velvets of butterflies, and the butterfly cheeks of young girls; all these are but subtile deceits, not actually inherent in substances, but only laid on from without; so that all deified Nature absolutely paints like the harlot, whose allurements cover nothing but the charnel-house within; and when we proceed further, and consider that the mystical cosmetic which produces every one of her hues, the great principle of light, for ever remains colorless in itself, and if operating without medium upon matter, would touch all objects, even tulips and roses, with its own blank tinge — pondering all this, the palsied universe lies before us a leper; and like wilful travellers in amidst the stars who refuse to wear colored and coloring glasses upon their eyes, so the wretched infidel gazes himself blind at the monumental yawning Elder Evil that wraps all the prospect around him. And of all these things the corruption of the Aboleth was the symbol. Wonder ye then at the fiery hunt?"
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)12:09 No.16178398
    Lovecraft: "You see an eldritch horror."
    You: "What's he look like?"
    Lovecraft: "He's, ah... He's indescribably terrifying. Oh, you'll need to make a will save against going insane. DC ten billion."
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)12:11 No.16178413
         File1315152672.jpg-(9 KB, 200x209, 015.jpg)
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    You remember that one NPC from like, 100 sessions ago that you helped?

    Yea this is his long-lost friend he mentioned!
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)12:13 No.16178423
    I hate you.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)12:16 No.16178453
         File1315153012.jpg-(24 KB, 280x210, THOUUUUUUSANDS OF YEARS AGO.jpg)
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    >Robert Jordan
    I'm about to describe a farmhand who is just barely relevant to the plot.

    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)12:18 No.16178466
    Shut up and take my bitch-tears
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)12:27 No.16178549
    "You enter the town. A mob of peasants instantly kills the Cleric and the Paladin shouting 'DEATH TO THE FALSE GODS! HAIL DAWKINS!' No save. They leave before you can do anything. Gods don't exist and I'm awesome. Buy my book, give me attention and suck my dick because I'm awesome."
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)12:35 No.16178613
    It's funny because while "The God Delusion" was just HURR RELIGION IS DUMB, "The Blind Watchmaker" is an amazing book on evolution that I would say could even be called beautiful at times.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)12:57 No.16178774
         File1315155459.jpg-(132 KB, 445x937, FrankHerbert.jpg)
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    So welcome to my dark sun campaign, the money is now water.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)13:01 No.16178804
         File1315155690.jpg-(35 KB, 400x395, 092-0722071826-Alan_Moore.jpg)
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    Ok, guys, so you didn't like the last campaign that was all about interlinking hundreds of works of obscure Victorian fiction. So we'll try something easier. Lovecraft. You all get Lovecraft, don't you?

    Ok, so a Deep One appears. Now take turns sucking his dick, or roll for SAN loss.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)13:03 No.16178822
    >you didn't like the last campaign that was all about interlinking hundreds of works of obscure Victorian fiction
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)13:21 No.16178965
         File1315156913.jpg-(163 KB, 720x890, Edgar_Allan_Poe_crop.jpg)
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    To have said it forthright would have shown to your contemporary and, of more import, to yourselves, that you could only have done your surroundings a disservice; that they were unsettling was evident, and on that nothing needed be said at all -- that a pioneer, or a coachman, some years ago would ever have driven out such a road, and to push so wantonly through white pine and white mists on to midnight, was surely only an act of duty, or expediency -- no road led to nowhere. But that this man, in not finding himself near sight nor sound of any town, or any soul of worth; that he should or COULD pause, for even a moment, and not forsee a night with a sliver of moon, and the rattle of an orange coach-light pulling sickly through these twisted boughs is unthinkable, and for a simple workman to see this character put it far below statement by anyone so distinguished as to have your company.

    And yet there was something there, hiding -- lurking, if you were the nervous sort. Beyond the wheel-edges of the muddied grooves, just beneath them, and so it hid just beneath the mind, the tongue. The Statesman caught it first, as he should; his pride and his quickness of thought were one in the same, and no disquiet could have been worth him holding his tongue.

    "This one does." said he. "This road. Perhaps it is the only one, but this road does."

    None wanted to ask, the courier least of all- But the courier had always availed himself to others, and to save them the tremble of their voices seemed noble.

    "And what does it do?"

    "This road leads to nowhere."

    And only then could you have realized, that had only you listened; that I had TOLD YOU not to min-max out of Survival.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)13:26 No.16179008
    >Max Barry
    As you try to stab the BBEG, he tries to flog you a new sword-cleaning polish. Roll a 20 on a d6 to save vs. marketing.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)13:31 No.16179055
    >Ben Elton
    "Oh, you ALL took the Unluckiness disadvantage? Perfect!"
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)13:32 No.16179061

    Critfail. You must now make a Nationstate.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)13:37 No.16179109
         File1315157877.jpg-(20 KB, 283x385, Jules_Verne.jpg)
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    You walk into a forest. Upon reaching the center, you find your destination: your uncle's airship landing strip.

    Who has the best Pilot modifier? It doesn't matter; your uncle's coming with you and he'll do the piloting.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)13:43 No.16179152
    10 internets to you.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)13:43 No.16179158
         File1315158223.jpg-(53 KB, 600x800, Patrick_Rothfuss.jpg)
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    Your family gets killed.
    No you don't know what did it.
    Yes you take heavy SAN loss.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)13:47 No.16179192
         File1315158433.jpg-(28 KB, 460x276, Brian-Jacques-007.jpg)
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    Did someone mention food? Because I thought I heard someone talking about food.

    God, I love food.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)14:29 No.16179484
         File1315160997.jpg-(24 KB, 216x305, Hideaki_Anno.jpg)
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    You walk into a forest. And by forest, I mean your mother. Here, roll on this table of mental illnesses.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)14:46 No.16179644
    I fucking love this thread.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)14:50 No.16179681
         File1315162217.jpg-(14 KB, 225x214, 600full-mercedes-lackey.jpg)
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    >It's like /lit/ has no purpose again.

    "Right then, everyone's got their horrendously traumatic backstory, paladin-seeking horse thing, and somewhat vague mental powers? Then the second cancels the first and improves the third, now let's go save the kingdom from religious zealots/an ancient evil/some asshole in a magic chair.
    Also your characters are now in a love dodecahedron.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)14:53 No.16179698
         File1315162426.jpg-(61 KB, 630x420, AngelaCarter.jpg)
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    After seeking answers in the Hedge, It turns out the werewolf was actually an abused lesbian feminist.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)14:54 No.16179701
         File1315162440.jpg-(15 KB, 209x300, Guy_de_Maupassant_fotograferad(...).jpg)
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    Some ugly peasants accuse you of thievery and now you have no friends. Roll SAN damage.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)14:54 No.16179704
         File1315162462.jpg-(18 KB, 297x400, williamburroughs001.jpg)
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    The whores have turned into gigantic centipeds and are attacking.

    Roll for initative, subtract -4 from your roll because you're still high from having licked that toadman's back.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)14:54 No.16179708
         File1315162492.jpg-(27 KB, 460x276, Umberto-Eco-001.jpg)
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    Let's write our own game.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)14:54 No.16179709
         File1315162496.gif-(29 KB, 299x288, Robert_Heinlein1.gif)
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    "I'm sorry, but did you just NOT coup de grace that unarmed pinko?"

    "Fucking hippie."

    "You, Carol, you're no longer in love with his character. First one to kill the wuss gets three hundred exp. And Carol."
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)14:56 No.16179720
    A campaign of short, sad vignettes. Forever.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)14:59 No.16179740
         File1315162743.jpg-(24 KB, 400x276, pynchononsimpsons.jpg)
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    Yeah, yeah, I'm still down to run this game- but really, do we need these character sheets? I think they'll just get in the way. And these dice? Way too arbitrary. Let's just get rid of them, them and the sheets. Just have a pure story telling session- well, aside from you players. Actually, do I need players? No, no I do not. Get out.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)14:59 No.16179741
         File1315162749.jpg-(16 KB, 300x389, PhilipDick.jpg)
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    The drink was spiked with a strange drug. You are now simultaneously playing yourself in the bar and 6 months into the future, where you have already died but time traveled to meet your clone.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)15:04 No.16179778
    I love this thread with all of my heart and soul.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)15:06 No.16179796
         File1315163160.jpg-(8 KB, 200x300, colbertsss[1].jpg)
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    He play DnD.

    Huge DnD manic.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)15:06 No.16179801

    His second campaing is one of furry wolfs ripping up sheeps, shepherders and sheepdogs only to copulate like animals on a mountain made of their bloody remains.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)15:07 No.16179811
         File1315163262.jpg-(16 KB, 298x448, Stephen King.jpg)
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    You walk into the forest. It smells nice, because it's autumn. You think about baseball. A popular song from the 70s or 80s is stuck in your head. Hang on a second while I roll behind my DM screen to figure out if this is an ordinary forest, where you will be convinced that something evil is stalking you, but it's actually just your own imagination and maybe a bear.... or if you're all going to be caught in the crossfire of a battle between Roland's Ka-Tet and the Crimson King's minions.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)15:09 No.16179822

    Then three bird furries in a low-rider attack you on your way to battle the ultimate evil that is a giant spider. Or a dude with a box of flying mines, I don't fucking know. Leave me alone I got hit by a van. Christ.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)15:12 No.16179854
    >So I roll SAN damage?
    What? No, you get a permanent +5 to WIS. In fact, you now get a permanent +2 to WIS every time your character uses a psychoactive drug.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)15:14 No.16179874
         File1315163675.jpg-(119 KB, 750x563, Gorge FUCK HORSES.jpg)
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    vans are to Stephen King as horses are to GRRM
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)15:15 No.16179878
    >All that shit I said? Yeah, that's not true. You know all the stuff you thought was happening, but I revealed it was totally incorrect? Yeah, turns out that was the truth after all.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)15:16 No.16179893
         File1315163776.jpg-(10 KB, 225x225, author..jpg)
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    Ok, let's start the adventure.
    Everyone dies painfully.
    Go ahead and roll up a new character if you want.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)15:16 No.16179896
    This is easily the best thread ever.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)15:16 No.16179897
    The party was somewhere around Pinnacle Heights, on the edge of the mountains, when the sannish began to take hold.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)15:18 No.16179914
         File1315163887.jpg-(11 KB, 494x432, huntersthompson.jpg)
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    Captcha ate my fucking portrait!
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)15:19 No.16179928
    Me: Ohh remember, I have the ability to ignore most mundane forms of SAN damage. GM: Really I don't see it on your sheet? Me: It's called common sense, you don't loose SAN from fucking shadowy trees. Give me a horror that makes my very eyes bleed as it rapes my mother in front of me. Then we can talk about weather or not I roll for SAN damage.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)15:20 No.16179936
         File1315164033.jpg-(4 KB, 120x162, aynrand..jpg)
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    The brave drow crush the smelly peasants, who were only jealous of their wealth.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)15:22 No.16179960
    Is this thread worthy of archive? What say /tg/?
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)15:24 No.16179976
    Fo sho
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)15:24 No.16179978
         File1315164257.jpg-(41 KB, 570x428, William-Gibson1.jpg)
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    Dice. Falling on tables. Staccato clatter of them bones, plastic on wood, full stop, fate spinning on the bleeding edge of neon painted dodecahedron. Fate is a funny thing. The dice, like fate, care not one whit about your life, your livelihood, all the petty dreams and quiet ambitions you nurse like bad scotch on your lonely nights. The dice just roll, baby, bones chattering like a skeleton's teeth, your life put in the hands of gravity and inertia as the numbers come into focus; as the dice slows to a stop. A last spin, like the reflection of a guttering campfire caught in the surface of polished chrome, and all of your efforts rest on the faint hope that maybe for once in your miserable life you'll get lucky when it really counts, and maybe you'll see a twenty smiling up at you when the dice finally comes to rest.

    Critical. Hit.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)15:25 No.16179998
         File1315164349.jpg-(126 KB, 384x480, nietzsche.jpg)
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    OK, so you all meet on top of a mountain, joyously observing the harsh beauty of nature. While you're there, you meet a devilishly handsome man in a robe, who is on his way down.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)15:26 No.16180003
         File1315164391.jpg-(21 KB, 320x289, marion-zimmer-bradley.jpg)
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    All characters of importance are female all of the PCs that will survive the adventure are female too.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)15:28 No.16180020
         File1315164485.jpg-(62 KB, 704x480, Ryukishi07.jpg)
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    No. No, I didn't fudge that roll, why would I even do that? The nature of RP is love by itself, it would be unsightly for me to stain the trust, the love between the DM and the player by... fudging rolls!
    What do you mean unfair? You CLEARLY could have guessed what was gonna happen from all the foreshadowing I threw around! It might not be instantly apparent for players such as you but my plot is pretty deep - without love, you might not be able to understand it-

    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)15:28 No.16180027
         File1315164503.jpg-(18 KB, 200x202, MartinAmis.jpg)
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    Okay, so character creation: you've all got to take a minimum of ten flaws and the only advantage I'm allowing is wealth.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)15:28 No.16180031
         File1315164527.jpg-(21 KB, 217x237, tomwolfe.jpg)
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    Then walks in the lich, a tall fella with a real go to hell attitute about him. He pulls out his staff of the magi and with a awooooosha zing bang fires off a couple of fireballs.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)15:31 No.16180049
         File1315164661.jpg-(12 KB, 240x310, Robert Howard.jpg)
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    You manage to climb out of the sunroof with the bag of jewels clutched tightly in your fist. You begin to run along the roof, preparing to bound to another shingled rooftop. Roll for a jump check.
    You made it, good. Because the captain of the guard himself was below you. You continue to make your escape, leaping and bounding for a spell across gaps which were all too trivial for your mighty Cimmerian body. The men of the city are not used to looking up to find their prey however, so you finally manage to make it to the Rat's Den, that "haven" of debauchery and less than morally upstanding characters.

    REH would be the most awesome GM ever. He could possibly play any story with you, has excellent descriptive ability, and is very apt at providing excellent motivations for your characters.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)15:31 No.16180053
    >Thread is already archived; updating content.

    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)15:33 No.16180073
    That was an awesome post.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)15:34 No.16180084

    She wrote a book about a jewish magician battling a Nazi God incarnated too.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)15:34 No.16180085
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)15:53 No.16180285
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    So where did we end the last time? Oh I know, the three of you were captured. And Adam here surrendered to the knechts without figting, which was surprising I guess.
    *writes note to Adam*
    I guess that they start dragging you towards the city... hmmm... yeah, they do.
    *gets note back*
    They settle down in a village you arrived to just before twilight an throw you tied up into three different rooms, each with two guards. No Adam, don't go anywhere, I think we can keep it at just the notes. You know you sort of fucked up when you let them come this far, but it's not like I can blame you. You propably should've remembered the story I told you about them earlier.
    So as soon as you got thrown into the room, you hear a scream...

    [spoiler]I have actually met him personally. Gotta be a regular, dependable DM with some golden, golden moments. When he's not drunk under the table. As he was when I met him.[/spoiler]
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)15:54 No.16180309
    And dammit, I spoiler fail'd once again.
    >> Dean Koontz 09/04/11(Sun)15:58 No.16180357
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    Alright alright, you are all unique and beautiful snowflakes with special powers that only make you more respected and loved by everyone around you and undefeatable good natures. Also you have a dog, my wonderful god such dog, a huge beautiful golden retriever that is incredibly intelligent and powerful and playful and just the most perfect dog ever.

    Oh no you have wandered across a man! He is a horrible horrible man with I LOVE SATAN tattooed on his forehead and he is currently raping a disemboweled nun while eating a baby at the same time and is comprised of absolute endless evil of absolute blackness and not just something like a severe mental psychosis because that's just an excuse.

    You have defeated the evil man via the love of Jesus.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)16:04 No.16180422
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    >You want to play a woman? What are you, gay, son?

    And then an amazing game full of adventure, traveling and personal revalations proceeds to unfold. As long as you minmax Survival.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)16:11 No.16180517
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    Player, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. You awake after some damn foolery of Heaven smites the Earth and casts you and your band of miscreants as the only good folks left in this globe. Afterall, the trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right. Roll if you will good sirs, and use all the random tables you like, apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today. I'll be right back, I need to go smoke for seven years before finishing the campaign notes.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)16:15 No.16180554
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    You walk into a forest. A Squirrel on the tree reminds you of a kid of your schools principal you saw once in your school, which was completely same as every other kid in the grey, idealess mass that is school. And yet, that girl, and her pen, with the blade always looking like a pelican's beak, funny thing, because Pelican is a pen brand, which had nothing to do with her pen whatsoever, that pen was...
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)16:15 No.16180555
    No spoilers on tg, brah.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)16:18 No.16180599
    I want Mark Twain to DM for me ;_;
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)16:23 No.16180640
    Just wait until next session when the exact same thing happens.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)16:45 No.16180893
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    You stop by the path to have a bit of food. The dwarf rolls out his pack and starts handing out apple pies and ice cream. He is all smiles and you sit there scooping up that ice cream and eating up that pie and feel like you could go on this path forever.

    You're going to Waterdeep to see Khelben and his girl. She is this beautiful little creature he picked up in some dungeon. She is a far gone cat, a long lost traveller; she wanders through the city picking up strays in bars.

    'Damn,' says the dwarf, suddenly roused from his momentous apple-born madness.

    'Moradin save us, it is the Ghost of the Susquehanna! Run, kid, run!"

    What do you do?
    >> Kreetn !TROLlvzGSU 09/04/11(Sun)16:48 No.16180924
    Soooo, Exalted?
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)16:57 No.16181053
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    You knew this would be an evening out of the ordinary. But you didn't know it would come to this. Are you ready to face the wrath of ... THE HUM-DINGER?!

    What? Yes, I know this is the World of Darkness and you are all vampires struggling to integrate the monstrous with the human blah blah blah. Now roll for initiative!
    >> Kreetn !TROLlvzGSU 09/04/11(Sun)17:11 No.16181196
    I'm imagining a pulp style vampire superhero now.
    it's awesome.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)17:20 No.16181298
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    Okaay, Jesus doth save against petrification.
    Thaddeus, what hast thou in smite?
    And lo, you join battle with the Pharisees, hewing mightily into yon host.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)17:24 No.16181337
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    Your party is surrounded on two sides by the great, shadow-haunted forest, a place of equivocal legends, of loups-garous and phantoms, approached to the very walls and flung its umbrage upon them at early forenoon and evening. On the other sides there lay cultivated fields, and gentle streams that meandered among willows or poplars, and roads that ran through an open plain to the high châteaux of noble lords and to regions beyond Averoigne.

    (Three hours of madhouse poetry later)

    …the gnarled and immemorial wood possessed an ill-repute among the peasantry. Somewhere in this wood there was the ruinous and haunted Château des Faussesflammes; and, also, there was a double tomb with which the Sieur Hugh du Malinbois and his chatelaine, who were notorious for sorcery in their time, had lain unconsecrated for more than two hundred years. Of these, and their phantoms, there were grisly tales; and there were stories of loup-garous [werewolves] and goblins, of fays and devils and vampires that infested Averoigne. But these tales your party had given little heed, considering it improbable that such creatures would fare abroad in open daylight.

    *rolls random encounter table* Your party runs into a hag. Roll to resist seduction.

    You fail.

    This time he did not draw away but met her with hot, questing hands when she pressed heavily against him. Her limbs were cool and moist; her breasts yielded like the turf-mounds above a bog. Her body was white and wholly hairless; but here and there he found curious roughness…like those on the skin of a toad…that somehow sharpened his desire instead of repelling it.

    She was so huge that his fingers barely joined behind her. His two hands, together, were equal only to the cupping of a single breast….The couch was rude and bare. But the flesh of the sorceress was like deep, luxurious cushions…
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)17:40 No.16181496
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    You walk into the city of Fan-Tassy and then, sorta like a hawk, maybe a-like a bird of prey, you know? Swoops in these... guys. They're bankers. Yeah. Not jews, but they're greedy, like we all think, like, you know. Right? They're after your money. They want to put you away. Maybe they work for the big bad, those nasty Psycho-Lists you fought two sessions ago. Alright. Titantic struggle. Mighty psion warriors vs the slaves of the Psycho-Lists. Time to roll for initiative.

    You getting all this? Because I can repeat it, you know, if you don't think I'm making sense. But that's all your fault if you don't, if there's nothing to it. Hang on...
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)17:45 No.16181536
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    You blow up the alien mothership, scattering fragments across the entire galaxy, killing trillions of trillions of hostile alien lifeforms! Roll to use your psychic powers to save human planets from destruction! As the ship explodes it sends you a warning; "I am not the leader".

    Then, your sensors come to life, as another ship larger than any moon powers up and begins to speed away at a rate of several galaxies per second...
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)17:52 No.16181613
    This thread needs a visit from Matt Ward.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)17:53 No.16181614
    >>After a long campaign with several PC deaths, the party finally reaches their goal, a repository of ancient technology of incredible power.

    DM>>Players, you all suddenly realize this place will be used for horrible evil unless you destroy it now.

    Players>>But, but..

    DM>> Seriously, I'd suggest you come up with a plan to destroy it all while you still have the chance. Oh! Here comes a BBEG to try and use it for his own Nietzschean ends. Look at him representing nihilism perfectly, unlike the merely selfish or short-sighted enemies you've face previously.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)17:53 No.16181620
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    Goddamit, forgot pic, forgive doublepost

    >>After a long campaign with several PC deaths, the party finally reaches their goal, a repository of ancient technology of incredible power.

    DM>>Players, you all suddenly realize this place will be used for horrible evil unless you destroy it now.

    Players>>But, but..

    DM>> Seriously, I'd suggest you come up with a plan to destroy it all while you still have the chance. Oh! Here comes a BBEG to try and use it for his own Nietzschean ends. Look at him representing nihilism perfectly, unlike the merely selfish or short-sighted enemies you've face previously.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)17:57 No.16181656
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    Welcome to zis session of Paranoia, ze roleplaying game.

    You are troubleshooters, and it is your duty to patrol ze Alpha Complex looking for ze traitors - especially ze communists, ze gypsies and ze jews.

    *Hands you your character sheet*
    >You are secretly Jewish. Ruh-roh!

    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)18:02 No.16181715
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    Okay, here we go again.

    Your character is now dead. Here's your new one.

    No, he's not a noble this time, sorry. No, he's not with the group. No, he's not involved in the shit that's been going on.

    But he's got a pretty awesome axe and a sweet job standing guard for this prince on the other side of the world. It's gonna be sweet!
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)18:11 No.16181793

    >Swoops in these... Man-Guys. They're Man-Bankers. Yeah. Not Man-Jews, but they're greedy, like we all think, like, you know. Right? They're after your money. They want to put you away. Maybe they work for the big bad, those nasty Psycho-Lists you fought two sessions ago. Alright. Titantic struggle. Mighty psion Man-Warriors vs the Man-Slaves of the Psycho-Lists. Time to roll for Man-initiative.

    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)18:29 No.16181967
    haha, good reference. "you focus the entire output of a star into a hyperspace slipstream tube and use it to burn the enemies entire homeworld into atoms. Roll against your Starbeam use skill"
    >> Power Gauntlet 09/04/11(Sun)18:38 No.16182101
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    Heroes! As the miles of Mek-Earth computoground wheel before you, crackling with energy, the three Crusader Eyes torment Hidden Harrh, unfurling his mind before you! The memnovore has found Thought X, the Thought That Cannot Be Forgotten, and as the explosion from your Thermo-Dynamo breaks his black ice containment jar, he has assumed a new form--a Laser God enfolded from the regurgitated memories of everyone you've ever loved!


    Your efforts may have prevented the Mind-Death of the Alter Cosmos, but the angels of sight may yet shatter the Earth of all Earths, and Hidden Harry's hyperman head won't last! Wizard, reclaim the Astroforce! Ranger, draw your bow once more! Battery Dan, keep feeding the Hurt Lord's muscles with power converted from your youth! Your past makes him "SUPER-FLY"! But MAKE HASTE, because YOU ARE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)20:32 No.16183447
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    "As the last liberal hippie expires, the local mayor thanks your party and offers the entire village's population of nubile young women as your pay. He suggests a trip to the local leather goods store before returning to your mountain fortress full of awesome guns."
    >> Kreetn !TROLlvzGSU 09/04/11(Sun)21:56 No.16184500
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    what do you mean it's impossible? look, if i want to inject elements of the supernatural into this political diplomancer game i damn well will, plus; you're you're all on drugs, what the fuck do you know?
    alright, now roll to beat the gold-toothed priest to death with the sentient yogurt spoon.
    no, you can't lave your wheelchair to fight, if your feet touch the ground that shaman you met 2 sessions ago will fuckin zap your soul out of your body.
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)22:06 No.16184618
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    Okay. Rick: Your fiance left you for Joe, but Joe you can't get married because your uncle will cut off your allowance. Tim, you've been preparing for that golf match, but you were counting on Rick to drive you and--

    What do you mean there's not enough combat?
    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)23:02 No.16185461
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    >> Anonymous 09/04/11(Sun)23:18 No.16185642
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    -4 STR
    >> Power Gauntlet 09/04/11(Sun)23:30 No.16185822
    Jeeves would be the best DMPC ever.
    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)02:45 No.16188076
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    You are a group of cripples, through a insane chain of events that includes becoming a family of space-pirates first and Parelell-Universes destroying Supersoldiers later your descendants in the eight generation will turn into the saviours of the Universe.

    And all that on our first evening playing this campagin.
    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)03:20 No.16188469
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    Ok, you walk into the best of all possible forests, where nothing can possibly go wrong. Bulgar Skeletons pop up from behind the trees, it looks like they want to rape you.

    Sorry, turn undead doesn't seem to have any effect, it's as if your god doesn't exist or doesn't care or something.

    Oh well Total Party Wipe.

    Nah, I was just kidding, you weren't dead for real. Here, you can have your character sheets back. See everything turned out alright in the end. You're all alone, safe, in the best of all possible forests.

    Except the forest is on fire now.

    You must grow your own forest.
    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)05:37 No.16189524
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    You walk into a forest. Suddenly you all turn on each other. Everyone is against everyone else.

    Looks like this campaign is going to be nasty, brutish and short ... UNLESS you all agree to make my GMPC party leader.
    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)05:53 No.16189604
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    Look at her face.

    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)06:04 No.16189679
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    You walk into a forest - OF FISH!

    Suddenly, the rains start. It is raining fried eggs and melting clocks.

    There's a hooded stranger there, standing by a window suspended in mid-air, looking at a burning bush.

    As you approach him, he removes his hood. It's YOU!
    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)06:15 No.16189756
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    You have angered the gazebo.

    Did i say gazebo? I meant windmills.

    I mean giants.
    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)06:21 No.16189803
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    <- Would run the BEST game of Paranoia EVER.

    Oh and suddenly you have a vagina on your chest.
    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)06:23 No.16189824
    Clearly intends to introduce this module at some point.

    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)06:38 No.16189951
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    You walk into a forest. What do you think that means?
    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)06:50 No.16190036
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    The Elves surround you. They move with a sinister grace, their slanted eyes, and stoic faces are inscrutable to you, yet you can feel the palpable malignence of their presence.

    Their leader presses herself against your chest, her exotic form close to you, her arms draped around you like silk curtains. She gazes at you pleadingly with her dark eyes.

    Make a will save against acting like a moron.
    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)06:56 No.16190079
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    ..and it's a story that might bore you but you don't have to listen, she told me, because she always knew it was going to be like that, and it was, she thinks, her first year, or actually weekend, in Neverwinter, and this was three or four years ago, and she got so drunk that she ended up in bed, lost her virginity (late, she was 300 years old) in a half orc's room, because she was a Mage and had a familiar, Lorna was, she remembers, a level 3? or 4, and usually somestimes at her boyfriend's place in the Shadowfell, to who she thought was a serious Swordmage but who was actually either some guy from Thay, a barbarian, and up in the city just for The Dressed to Get Transmogrified party. He was just an orc.
    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)06:58 No.16190087
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    You walk into a house. Someone is being an obvious moron. Roll diplomacy.

    You go into a nine-panel rant concerning life that's definitely not a mouthpiece for your own beliefs. Everyone loves you.

    Your sister attempts to seduce you. Make a will save.
    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)06:58 No.16190092
    And then he goes and publishes his own game.
    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)06:59 No.16190102
    I think it means you're a sick bastard who imposes his own issues upon others and this game.
    >> Kreetn !TROLlvzGSU 09/05/11(Mon)07:01 No.16190113
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    I don't know, sigmund, why don't you tell me?
    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)07:05 No.16190145
    Also: You are an animal person and your foreskin is the size of a sandworm.
    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)07:06 No.16190152
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    A small group of creatures pop out through the underwood. It's your mothers. Roll for initative!
    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)07:13 No.16190198
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    You encounter something. Things at hand are encountered within the world. The being of these beings, handiness, is thus ontologically related to the world and to worldliness. World is always already "there" in all things at hand. World is already discovered beforehand together with everything encountered.
    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)07:13 No.16190199
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    Now, I know I said this was a low-magic campaign with only a small handful of intriguing, mysterious slips into the paranormal, but I figured I'd spice it up a bit. Prophetic nightmares and bizarre powers for everyone!

    Oh, and we're punching up the grimdark some more.
    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)07:17 No.16190223
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    The Necron laughs and taunts you as he rapes the Sister of Battle. "You see," he shouts gleefully, twiddling his moustache, "I was really responsible for every major event in this campaign!"
    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)07:19 No.16190232
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    The man welcomes you to his store. You can be a self-righteous douche, a psychotic douche, or an indifferent and/or snarky douche.

    What do you do?
    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)07:19 No.16190236
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    so let us imagine you are entering a forest
    but what would be the real reason for you entering that forest
    my got, do you still really believe that you are entering the forest so you could go on some stupid quests and find some stupid artifacts and dungeons and do this that
    no, I claim you are entering the forest to satisfy your real personality, the one thet wants to find lesser others it can murder, maim and rape
    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)07:21 No.16190252
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    I'm sorry, clerics are LE only.
    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)07:42 No.16190355
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    My party and I single-handedly right all the wrongs committed upon the merchant so we can have a small discount on his goods.
    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)07:46 No.16190374
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    >Okay.. you rolled a girl didn't you Jim?
    >Your character is violently raped
    What?!? But ho-
    >You are kidnapped and thrown in the dungeons.
    Okay. Well I attempt to pick the lo-
    >You failed. The guards notice and violently rape you.
    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)07:58 No.16190458
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    Yes, your characters have to sit through the rest of this meeting. I know I promised space battles, yes there will be space battle, if you were paying attention you'd remember that your characters are having a meeting about how to fight the upcoming space battle.
    No we can't just gloss over the content of the meeting and skip to the space battle, it's called roleplaying.
    Okay, now while Jim was having an internal monologue that happens to mirror my views on the need for a formal aristocracy and Paige was daydreaming about the state of 35th century socioeconomics, the rest of you were discussing...
    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)08:15 No.16190586
    someone do LMB
    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)09:02 No.16190863
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    You walk into a forest. The name of your character is Trout Fishing in America.
    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)09:04 No.16190873
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    > cast invisibility
    > you know you cannot be seen

    shmmrrk, yef, snif, you know it, buth, does the chicken know it???
    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)09:15 No.16190937
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    for Initiative

    You rumble through the dungeon at night
    armorheaded heroes looking for a treasure fix,
    fighting with big hope the goblins of your mind,
    angry, vengeful goblin creatures yelling, howling, shaking their rusty spears at your strangeness,
    you fight them, fighting ever on, fighting whether you are fighters or you are rogues,
    fighting for the elves driven from their homes in the forests, their ancient crazy tree-homes put to the torch by the great evil mountebank madman,
    fighting for the short bearded sexfiends shivering in fevers induced by gold and glittering stones, masturbating madly into piles of worthless rocks,
    fighting for the fair maidens, rosy-cheeked red-rumped strumpets smiling at you in merciful inns at dawn,
    who hold you hard as you grapple them, you poke them with your pole-arm, your unseen servant rubbing up against their holiest sanctums as the sun slowly rises to be born ...
    what do you do?
    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)09:36 No.16191068
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    So I was reading through that Vampire: The Masquerade campaign you guys wanted me to run and it sounds like a bunch of whiny emo shit to me, so we're doing some Dungeons and Dragons.

    Now tell me, has anyone here heard of a lovely campaign called "Ravenloft"?
    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)09:44 No.16191130
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    dear /tg/

    please never change
    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)09:58 No.16191236
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    in the middle of the journey of your lives
    you find yourself in a dark forrest
    where the clear path has wanished
    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)11:29 No.16191949
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    Read that in his voice. All of it.

    Also, someone do Washington Irving.
    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)11:45 No.16192089
    I like all of these, but these are probably the truest ones in this whole damn thread.
    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)12:20 No.16192438
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    You walk into a forest. There is a hat store there.

    The next part will be coming soon.
    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)13:22 No.16193080
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    You don't want to go back to the dungeon? You want to spend this session playing out how you waste all your gathered treasure on ale and whores?

    Umm ... I haven't got anything prepared, but I think I could wing that.
    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)13:40 No.16193252
    You drag yourself from the forest
    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)15:13 No.16194087
    Whose woods these are you think you know.
    His house is in the village though;
    He will not see you stopping here
    To watch his woods fill up with snow.

    Your little horse must think it queer
    To stop without a farmhouse near
    Between the woods and frozen lake
    The darkest evening of the year.

    He gives his harness bells a shake
    To ask if there is some mistake.
    The only other sound's the sweep
    Of the easy wind and downy flake.

    The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
    But you have promises to keep,
    And miles to go before you sleep,
    And miles to go before you sleep.
    >> Anonymous 09/05/11(Mon)15:43 No.16194461
    These are awesome.

    This is not.

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