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  • File : 1311635125.jpg-(133 KB, 655x900, Goblin_Color_001.jpg)
    133 KB Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:05 No.15702313  
    > Pick up employment form
    > First page
    > "Are you a goblinoid or of goblinoid descent? If so, please fill out Form C"
    > Look at Form C
    > Benefits, benefits everywhere


    And don't give me that "oppressed peoples" bullshit. Adventurers haven't been systematically killing goblins since the late Middle Ages, but my tax dollars are still supporting their health care and welfare.

    inb4 the species card. I don't hate goblinoids; I just don't want my tax money wasted on "reparations" for shit I didn't even do.

    Pic related.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:11 No.15702381
    Hey, dude, you got any idea how we are treated, sure we live in the great era where everyone is equal, but not once has an elven man or woman looked upon our kin without despice, everyweek some drunk youth beat a fellow goblinoid practicly dead. Yet if one of us even steals a small candybar we will all be instantly blamed and everyone thinks we are only petty thieves. IT'S NOT EASY BEING A GOBLINOID IN A HUMANOID DOMINATED SOCIETY JERKASS!
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:13 No.15702394
    Minotaur here

    Have you ever been to a goblin ghetto?

    Fuckers need all help they can get. They live in such a poor condition.
    >> Super Aggro Crag !!7x7KzlxQrrH 07/25/11(Mon)19:14 No.15702416
    Goblins keep stealing all my gold.

    But atleast they aren't those FUCKING FOXTAURS.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:16 No.15702435
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    Elf here.
    >> One anonymous goblinoid 07/25/11(Mon)19:19 No.15702461
    Seriously, you elfs, what makes you think you are so fucking great? Your pointy delicate ears? Fuck that, everyone knows that looking pretty is all you are good for, fuck you.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:20 No.15702471
    Kolbold here, you think goblins have it bad? Try living in a 1 room flat in the basement with your 30 or so extended family members. Low pay at jobs low standard of living, and the gnomes you can hardly go a day without a small gang of gnomes coming in to beat up some elderly or hatchling.

    Seriously FUCK Gnomes.
    The racial fued is over its just them stepping all over us now.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:20 No.15702473
    They still aren't applicable to Lich Training Programmes, man. We're exclusing them from immortality just because they are tiny and green. That shit is so wrong.

    But then I am one of few who actually support Lich Training Programmes, I bet most of you faggots are lifefags who hate undeath just because.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:20 No.15702474
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    Recently realized Half-Djinn here.

    You have no idea how frightening masturbation is now. I mean I know the fire can't hurt me, but my instinct is to be terrified.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:21 No.15702479
    Gobs is Slobs
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:21 No.15702484
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    You know what? The church of a GOD was branded a cult by the government in the name of accomodating you abhumans. You're complaining about being treated as second class citizens? You don't even deserve that much.

    Fuck you all. And fuck the OP for implying his opinion is MORE valid for not hating goblinoids.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:22 No.15702485
    Only because there's so many of them.

    I swear, if half the time they spent reproducing was spent actually trying to support themselves, they'd live in gleaming arcologies. Of solid gold.
    >> Super Aggro Crag !!7x7KzlxQrrH 07/25/11(Mon)19:22 No.15702488
    How about you stop shitting out so many babies then.

    Fuck off elf, you guys ruined the economy with your shitty "Oh let's hoard all our money in our towers instead of spending it huehuehue."

    I'm glad that the Wizards of Revenue Services are busting your asses up.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:23 No.15702495
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    Can't hear you I'm too busy being practically immortal
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:23 No.15702497
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    I haven't spent the last few centuries being a lich just so some tiny creature can come along and think he's better than me after his great grandfather and his friends pillaged my foodstores.
    >> One anonymous goblinoid 07/25/11(Mon)19:27 No.15702534

    Why you guys so afraid of death? Afraid of having to pay for your sins of being racist asholes? Fuck you all, I make a decent living for a goblinoid, yet everyone if whispering how I must have been doing it in some illegal way, I work fucking 12 hours a day while you fucking "practicly immortal beings" drink your faggot elven wines.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:29 No.15702548

    We don't live in 970 anymore. If a goblinoid wants a job, it's practically illegal not to hire him.

    Blame the moonsugar epidemic for goblinoid troubles, not speciesism.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:29 No.15702550
    >I'm glad that the Wizards of Revenue Services are busting your asses up.
    >Implying we elves don't already own the WoRS

    We practically invented wizardry you seriously think they're going to do anything substantial?

    GTFO nobody cares for a scaly's opinion
    >> Super Aggro Crag !!7x7KzlxQrrH 07/25/11(Mon)19:29 No.15702552
    12 hours a day? Your vagina must be made of silly putty by now.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:30 No.15702558
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    I mostly don't give a rat's ass about taxes, and you shouldn't either, I'm paying for your healthcare even though I will never get ill, and will pay for your children, grand-children and most likely every last one of your descendants until your family line is extinct. So yeah, stop crying, you meat-eating barbarian, the least you could do is shoulder some of the awful things your ancestors did.

    On the other hand being born an elf is a very good deal, so I'm fine with the burden of supporting other humanoid (should be elfoid really) species. Though if I wear even slightly baggy clothes, most humanoids get so fucking confused about my gender, it's hilarious.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:30 No.15702559

    Now, honestly, this whinging about racial inequality is so, so passe.

    Anyone who cares to apply themselves and have a modicum of intelligence can easily utilize a fourth circle or greater polymorphic spell to make their racial status irrelevant.

    If you so choose you can live in a post racial world, all it takes is the will and wherewithal to do so.

    So stop expecting handouts and step up to the adult world.

    We wizards have changed the world and created the tools for you to follow in our footsteps, do so.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:32 No.15702573
    Fuck you bro. I'm out here trying to convince people that I'm actually a halfway decent person, and what happens? One of you blonde-locked faggots punches the fucking kobold in the face, then draws a GODDAMN ZWEILHANDER WHEN I STAND UP FOR HIM. WHO THE FUCK CARRIES AROUND A ZWEILHANDER. Thank Solonor one of the drow was packing as well. Fucker dropped like an anvil.

    God damnit. He was gonna help me get an actual job too. Fuck you for making me guilty by association. God damnit. My rent's due in 2 weeks. It's bad enough that everyone here hates me for having ears, but the landlord is a fucking drow as well. Dude, if I'm late again she's gonna kill me. Like, actually kill me. Or at least do something unpleasant.

    Fuck. I guess I could go back to dealing...
    >> Super Aggro Crag !!7x7KzlxQrrH 07/25/11(Mon)19:32 No.15702576
    You "invented" magic.

    Humans perfected it.

    Why do you think there hasn't been an elven head of the Council of Eight for the past 1257 years, pussy-tits?

    You mad that everyone just imports their cleaner, more efficient magic from human countries instead of buying from you? I bet those government subsidies taste sweet, fag.
    >> Anonymous Lich 07/25/11(Mon)19:33 No.15702582
    I spend most of my time teaching little children in a village the arts of reading, writing and a little magic. I would have you know I have my reasons for not liking these filthy kobolds and goblins who keep stealing and robbing.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:33 No.15702584
    >Be from the Nine Hells
    >Fill in dozens of forms and contracts in triplicate every day just to keep my soul and the shirt on my back
    >Go to Prime Material
    >Go to employment office
    >Holy shit humans call this a system, this is fucking hilarious
    >Make 80,000gc monthly from gaming the employment office
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:33 No.15702585

    Hey asshole, you ever been in a Gob neighbourhood?

    We can't walk the streets at night. You know why? Because YOUR kids - Elf, Human and Dwarf punk-ass bitches - get drunk on your tales of Great Heroic Adventurer Assholes and decide they want to be Just Like Great-Uncle Fucknar.

    I don't know who the shit Great-Uncle Fucknar was but apparently he stabbed a lot of Gob children and set fire to a lot of Gob houses. Yeah. Making the family proud, huh?

    But you don't see that shit in the papers, so it doesn't happen, right? No, because everyone's too busy getting their +1 panties in a twist about that pretty little elf girl - whose own parents probably drowned her in a bathtub by the way - that they say Gobs took! BullSHIT Gobs took her! How many times does the "Mysterious Green Male" defense get busted in the courts and you humes still eat it up!

    You know what the best paying job someone in my neighbourhood can get? School janitor - at a school for Orcs. Human schools, elven schools - they only hire Gnomes and Halfings for their cleaning staff. We got the skills, we got the qualifications - but as soon as they seen on our form "Ethnicity: Green" then OH I'M SORRY WE DECIDED YOU WEREN'T THE BEST CANDIDATE MISTER SHARPFANG.

    Man, fuck this.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:35 No.15702592
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    Asshole, do you even know what you immortals do to our economy?

    All my tax dollars go to you and your damned corporations! Seriously, do you really think it's fair that some lich can deposit twenty copper three hundred years ago, and then retire with more money than anyone could ever hope to make in their lifetime?

    My forefathers had to WORK for their gold! We even dug into hell itself in order to bring back our wealth! We're the ones who mined most of the gold you stole from us with your damned politics!

    You liches have no place in our government, and yet you manage to hold majority rule no matter what we mortals try to do!

    Pic related.. it's a portrait of my great, great grandfather, working his ass off to try and better the world for his family! Not that you'd know anything about that.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:35 No.15702594
    As a Lich I can tell you that we have made great strides in the development of peaceful magic and science research.

    In fact the last three peace prizes were won by Liches. Sure our profession and unlifestyle has a macabre notation, but we are all nice guys at heart.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:36 No.15702599
    I'm a bound fire elemental.

    Things are pretty okay. Don't have to worry about health issues or aging, though the world's a bit too cold for me. That and the guy I'm with is a wizard-- same one who bound me--and he makes enough money that things are pretty comfy.

    What really sucks though is when I went out to the park-- nice heatwave last week-- people are screaming at me, calling me a 'destroyer' and saying I burned things. I can't help it! I'm made of fucking fire!
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:36 No.15702600
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    I know that feel.
    >> One anonymous goblinoid 07/25/11(Mon)19:37 No.15702610
    Sorry, but I'm proud of being a Goblin, and I will always be a Goblin.
    Fuck you, 12 hours is just how much I need to work to get decent money because no-one is willing to offer me work and when I get a job for some reason my pay seems to be quite lower than that of the others. Though if someone came to check it up all the official papers would say that everyone are being one equal happy family.
    >> Doppelganger 07/25/11(Mon)19:37 No.15702611
    We just mean no harm but people think we're Asmodeus for being able to shapeshift. It's sucks to be a Doppelganger/Changling. Changeling rights! Changeling rights!
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:39 No.15702621
    What about all this Gith lynching gangs though? Fucking Gith neighbourhoods man, stupid Zerai/Yanki gang bullshit all the time except when they see an Illithid. Then it's hanging time. Murderers shouldn't be allowed in our country and don't give me any of that, "We're you from the future," bullshit.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:39 No.15702625
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    Your forefathers could've done some... Foresight.
    >> Super Aggro Crag !!7x7KzlxQrrH 07/25/11(Mon)19:41 No.15702631
    Can we all stop arguing over shit that doesn't matter and get back to the REAL issue here?

    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:41 No.15702634
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    >be Incubus
    >live in the ghetto out of choice
    Too fucking easy. Fuck man, I don't even NEED to raise a disguise half the time. Immortality here I come.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:43 No.15702649

    Hey. HEY! Don't you speak ill of Great-Uncle Fucknar, the man was a fucking saint.

    Hell, we still display his Goblin-Ear Shirt on festivals, to celebrate his great victory at the second burning of .. Grobsine? ...Grobshite? ...Grobshire?

    ... Anyways you barbarians should be grateful good men and women like him helped civilize you backward savages.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:43 No.15702650
    Dwarf here.

    Work harder you lazy fucks.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:45 No.15702673
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    I just wish all these damned "adventurers" would just leave me alone. Honestly, you give some yokel a big knife and a head-bucket, and he thinks it's his Pelor-given destiny to slaughter everything that doesn't look like him and/or can be looted for free trinkets.

    Yes, I'm a lich, but I'm NOT some evil lore-hungry schemer... I just worry about my family, and wanted to be around for the next generation or three if they needed me...

    Really, is wanting to provide for one's great-great grandkids so wrong?
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:45 No.15702676

    Perfected it? Just because you invented a dozen different ways to cook a dire chicken isn't perfection. There hasn't been a single decent advancement from the council since we LET you humans enter. All the best innovation has been privatized and funded by US. You really think any of you can get any significant research accomplished in under 200 years? Real research takes time and we elves have that time. Just because you can mass produce OUR work doesn't mean you're better.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:46 No.15702686
    Hey. Former Armyfag here.

    Just wanted to say something. Everyone bitches and complains about the other races, but here in the sandbox, we're all equal and work together. Hell, I'm an Orc. Back home I have to deal with elves, dwarves and humans giving me shit nonstop. Here? Fuck, my best friend's an elf-- saved my damn life when we were getting shelled by some of those scaly bastards in the hills. When I'm done with my tour, veteran's benefits are gonna put me through school. See if I can't become an officer.

    The sad thing is that for us greenskins, the Army is almost the -only- way out of the ghetto. At least there's a place for us out there, even if back home all those elf hippies call us hatchling-murderers or whatever the fuck.
    >> One anonymous goblinoid 07/25/11(Mon)19:46 No.15702689
    Well, if you saw the trouble of civilizing us then why not take care of us properly until we are a part of the civilization just like any human or elf or dwarf. It's too late to say you dont want us now. Also Fucknar was a faq who killed my ancestor who was unarmed and begging for his life, Fucknar was the real barbarian, not us.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:46 No.15702690
    Lizardfolk here.

    I think it's bullshit that anytime I try to eat, I'm called a murderer. So what if my meal might happen to be a human or elf at the time? That's what I fucking eat!

    Motherfuckers need to learn the rules of darwin. Motherfucker had it right, eat or be eaten.
    >> GREEN PANTHER 07/25/11(Mon)19:47 No.15702697

    >Goblin-Ear Shirt




    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:47 No.15702700
    Like an elf would want to touch an octopus with a ten-foot long pole. I know we are a species everybody fantasizes about, but come on.
    >> Half-Orc Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:47 No.15702702
    Man, you want to talk about prejudice? Try being a half-orc in an intellectual or creative field. I'm a geneticist. I have a fucking Doctorate. Okay? I have a piece of paper on my wall that's worth more than some people's *lives*. When I'm in line at McDonalds, I do not need you to count my money for me. I do not have a speech impediment. And my parents are happily married, and have been since they were in highschool. Goddamn.

    At least after a few years in the field my own colleages have quit treating me like our lab's janitor (who, by the by, is amazing at his job, and probably one of the wisest people I've ever met. He's very zen. Plays a great game of chess, and I've never beat him at poker. And he's a half-ogre, so of course he gets shat upon, but at least he likes his job.)
    >> Super Aggro Crag !!7x7KzlxQrrH 07/25/11(Mon)19:47 No.15702705
    Please, you guys are too busy going "oh, okay, let's make a spell that moves iron girders so we can build our houses" to look out your fucking window to notice that we have had a spell for that for the past 120 years.

    Hell even in third world countries without magic we have machines that can do that.

    Stop being so old, elves.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:48 No.15702708
    You goblinoids think you have it bad. Well, fuck you. At least you've got a lobby in Congress that's supported by Senator Draknalluthrax, the most powerful dragon in government.

    I'm a tiefling, and it's political suicide to suggest that lynching us isn't anything other than a good deed.

    Count your blessings.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:50 No.15702724

    >Eats at McDonalds
    >> Another Lich 07/25/11(Mon)19:50 No.15702730

    You, sir, are pathetic. I knew your great-great-great-great grandfathers, and they deserved every great that title brings, while you whine and whinge about how superior your species is without enumerating any personal accomplishments. You're riding on the coattails of your elders and betters, and old Sinderialdriel, rest his soul, would hang his head in shame if he could see you know, kicking up dust over your crystal ball. Your ancestors were great men who accomplished great things, and deserve every accord given them? But what about you? Your time is not limitless, like mine is, yet you choose to waste your precious mortality on fleeting argument rather than accomplishing anything of value. Why aren't you, personally, on the Council? Why haven't you, personally, made a great magical advancement? The world is yours for the taking, and you spit on it! I'm not calling out the humans or the goblins, but you out to know better.
    >> Super Aggro Crag !!7x7KzlxQrrH 07/25/11(Mon)19:51 No.15702739


    Okay Tier:
    Dwarves, Halflings, Those Guys with the Weird Metal Spider Legs

    Whiny little bitch tier:
    Everything else.

    Fucking foxtaurs.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:51 No.15702746
    Tiefling hookers are the best hookers though.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:52 No.15702753

    But of course.

    They're always horny.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:52 No.15702756
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    Back in MY day a few millenia ago liches were respected members of society! Why the leader of the nation was one! And I was an officer in the army!

    And what did I get? An arrow through my head!
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:53 No.15702761
    Look I know a goblins kife is hard but is it really fair to give you reparations when gobliniods have either started or been the foot soldiers of the Overlords that have started every war up(racial feuds like yanki/zerai or the great sprite rebellion not withstanding)
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:53 No.15702762
    I find it hard to disagree with you just because you included Robots in that list.

    I agree. Beep boop.
    >> Reginald P. Ogreson. 07/25/11(Mon)19:53 No.15702765
    Could be worse, you could be an Orc or Ogre.

    People live in the stone ages these days. They always laugh at an Ogre teacher or an Ogre scientist, but they never laugh at our kind in the police force I tell you what.
    >> Half-Orc 07/25/11(Mon)19:53 No.15702767

    I'm a geneticist, not a dietician.

    It's not like eating McDonalds once or twice a month kills me any quicker than anything else, though.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:53 No.15702768
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    What about Dwarves who have weird metal spider legs? Since they're both okay and okay, does that promote them to good?
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:53 No.15702770
    Ha, a lich who didn't preserve its corpse. You, sir, are a fucking moron.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:54 No.15702776
    My guild just hired a token gobbo. I tried to be nice to the guy, but he is incompetent as hell. Just the other day he fucked up a cure disease incantation and made a mushroom grow out of a patients infected urinary tract.

    I was pretty damn pissed so I checked his certifications, and all the dumb gob has is some basic degree in Shamanry.... seriously a fucking shaman and he got hired into the guild above me?
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:54 No.15702778

    Well, considering most of their ancestors are incubi, succubi or erinyes, that's not hard to believe.

    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:55 No.15702784
    >Asshole, do you even know what you immortals do to our economy?

    >My forefathers had to WORK for their gold!

    You know how much it COSTS to become a lich? Try and take a loan out to make a phylactery and you'll be in debt for, literally, centuries. Especially with inflation. You think undeath just grows on trees...
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:55 No.15702787
    I'm an Ogre, not an undead or anything immortal, went to a public school and all, and even I can see the grammatical and spelling mistakes in your post. I seriously doubt you're a lich.

    Good day sir.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:55 No.15702794
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    Troll detected
    How'd you even get wifi from under a bridge?
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:56 No.15702803
    FORGED not robots. No, not warforged either. It's like saying the E-word for elves. Robot means "worker". It's not all we are, fuck you, fucking fleshy ones.
    >> Doppelganger 07/25/11(Mon)19:56 No.15702805
    That's another insult launched at our kind. That Doppelgangers are succubi! At least both of us can transform into something that can't get discriminated against.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:57 No.15702818

    Hey! Little Madelene Mcannariel was taken from the hotel! The parents didn't do it! Mrs Mcannariel's latest book details exactly why she couldn't have done it and why it was definitely The Mysterious Goblin Intruder.
    >> Another Lich 07/25/11(Mon)19:57 No.15702820

    You try keeping up with modern grammar and spelling when you've been alive for over three millenia. It changes faster than you can blink.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:57 No.15702821

    What in the name of Kord is a foxtaur? Sounds like you made something up.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:57 No.15702822
    Dwemer were actually elves. With beards, but still elves.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)19:59 No.15702842
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    All of you complaining about mistreatment can go right off and fuck yourselves.

    At least when you walk in a room, everyone doesn't shit themselves or try to kill you for fear of "MIND CONTROLLLZZ"

    The only brains I can legally eat are already DEAD. To explain, imagine every meal you had to eat was rotten.

    That's me, every goddamn day. I'm a lawyer, with a little dabbling in magic thanks to my best friend, who's a wizard. I don't need to enthrall or enslave you fuckers to make bank.

    Get off my case.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:00 No.15702846
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:01 No.15702849
    0/10 troll harder
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:02 No.15702855
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    >Adventurers haven't been systematically killing goblins since the late middle ages

    Horse shit. In 1995 the Black Bolts openly rounded up and shot 6000 goblins in Gosnia. It took NATO six days to arrive on the scene and the men they sent weren't even armed. Most of the soldiers are still part of the active military, Sure, they put Karadzic in a daycare center, but Andosona and her brutes still sing songs about it at church. Every Pelorday.

    Now yeah, obviously if you live in America where none of the Goblins even keep the topknots anymore and only put on their clothes for parades, sure, fuck the benefits, but don't pretend that the race war isn't still going on, because most of the leaders of that whole middle-ages business? They're Elves. They're still fucking alive, and they're teaching their children and grandchildren to hate the Goblinoids.
    And then they strongarm you into paying for HALF ELF reparations too! Of all the fucking nerve!
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:02 No.15702860

    Senator Draknalluthrax is only into it for the votes, he would pander to Chromatic Ebola if it was capable of voting.

    Read your history books, he wiped out the villages Thulred, Garhedil, and Forestsong less than three hundrred years back because he thought someone local had swiped a goblet worth less than a thousand gold pieces.

    Thats two goblin villages and one halfling village, the madman even hired bards to "instill the proper amount of respect" in the survivors and their neighbors.

    Oh, and that fucking goblet? He found it a few years later after doing inventory.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:02 No.15702864

    Nah, they exist. And they're awful.

    Half man, half fox, half cow. Least, that's how they count it. Smug sense of superiority you can see from a mile off. And they stink of stale sweat, 'cause all they do is try to fellate themselves - or, Pelor forbid, you.

    Church of Pelor had them declared Abominatus a few centuries back, which is why you don't see them no more. Problem is, they keep coming back, each time claiming to be something different. A cleric of a god they say is their parent. A powerful wizard who was better than anyone at the age of fifteen. A perfect swordsman. Sometimes, all three at once.

    I've killed five so far, and I hope to kill many more.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:03 No.15702866

    >Oh Hey, It's the Anniversary of us Enslaving - I mean, "civilising" Goblinkind!
    >How shall we celebrate?
    >Well, in honour of out Greenskin brethren, why not tell stories of great Gobs of the past? Or their rich culture and folklore? How about we honour the contributions Goblins make to our society every day?
    >Let's dress up like Great Hero Fucknar, head to the Goblin part of town and just start burning whatever we see!

    Yeah. Fuck you guys.
    >> Reginald P. Ogreson. 07/25/11(Mon)20:03 No.15702867
    I feel your pain my friend, only instead of soul sucking, they are afraid I will smash their bones up and use it for flour.

    We tried that, it's crap for making bread.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:04 No.15702877
    Fuck both of you I am a full blooded troll and its people like you that just throw that phrase around like it means nothing that keeps me from getting any form of respect. I have to practically hide my face in public or I get accused of starting some kind of fight I wasn't even a part of.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:04 No.15702879
    So guys... Um... this is gonna sound weird but...

    So I was with this chick I like and, err, she bit me. I mean, I don't know if that's a normal thing or whatever, but she started acting real weird and pretty much kicked me out. So I woke up today, about a week later, and there's all these blue hairs where she bit. I do not have blue hair. Am I fucked? What the hell is even happening?
    >> Doppelganger 07/25/11(Mon)20:06 No.15702888
    No, it was a Succubus mimicing one of the parents.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:06 No.15702891
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    Oooh boy, you're in for a ride.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:06 No.15702892

    I'm not saying he isn't a corrupt piece of shit, but you can't deny Draknalluthrax is the most powerful sapient in the Senate. And when you consider that the President himself is Draky's half-breed son...
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:07 No.15702899
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    Oh my God, that must be awful. Back in the early 20th century, Troll actors weren't allowed on-screen, so they had humans wearing Trollface play their parts.
    >> Reginald P. Ogreson. 07/25/11(Mon)20:07 No.15702904
    "trollface" is such a stupid thing, looks nothing like a troll at all and all those reddit pastey halflings eat it up.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:07 No.15702907
    Well, you're turning into a werew... wait, did you say BLUE hairs? What the fuck?
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:07 No.15702908
    The old turd should just roll over and die already, it's blatant misuse of power!
    >> Proud Centaur Supremacist 07/25/11(Mon)20:08 No.15702910
    You and your kind are all scum and I wish the Illithidcaust would have wiped you all out.

    Liches have honour in their powergrabbing, it's obvious when they do it and they can do it for great things, like the Great Lich-Khanate. Dragons have given us so much technology and magic even if they did burn a few civilizations down over a heap of gold or two. But you? Your kind? You are just after brains. That's what you exist for and that's the reason you have hijacked our legal system, and one day you'll legalize live brain-eating. I've read the Protocols of Maanzecorian, your plans are wide open.

    But know this. I have seen through it. We know what you are doing and we will stop you and cleanse every last one of you.
    >> Jack McMindflayer 07/25/11(Mon)20:08 No.15702920
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    Its ignorant fucks like that that need to be eradicated. But if it isn't a fuck-able succubus or a busty elf, no one bothers to try and understand it.


    Buddy, you're pretty much fucked. If you still know where this chick is, we can probably make a case out of it and sue her for everything she's got, but there isn't a cure for what she infected you with.
    >> Reginald P. Ogreson. 07/25/11(Mon)20:09 No.15702921
    Perhaps a were-one-of-those-breeds-of-domestic-cat-that-has-blue-fur?

    Excuse my wordplay, I am an Architect, not a novel writer.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:09 No.15702923

    Oh suuuure it was. Just like that time Senator Meadaxe wasn't actually caught up to the hilt in a halfling wearing a fake beard and pretending to be a dwarf-child? It was "just a succubus", right?

    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:09 No.15702927
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    They also dropped milk instead of water to simulate rain, because shitty cameras wouldn't see it otherwise. Aren't trolls lactose intolerant?
    >> An Entirely Different Lich 07/25/11(Mon)20:09 No.15702929
    Just wait a good five centuries and he'll be gone, at least unless he goes the Dracolich route. I doubt it, though. That's one dragon who loves his own venal desires too much to become an animate skeleton.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:09 No.15702930
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    Just stopping by to tell you all that we humans dominate this world and there's nothing you can do about it.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:10 No.15702939
    How do that even work? the half elves are pushing for reperations sure, but they want it from the full bloods not for. I dont want its like where your from but while the elves in America are trying to pretend they've always been buddy buddy with the half elves ( oh that? its a picture of me and my half elf buddy, how did that get on my desk) they still only give them the token jobs. Look at any of the elven run fortune 500 and 90% of the interns are half elf but try to find one with a paying job and you need to go down to the mail room
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:10 No.15702942

    I hear he's going to try to make himself a Dracolich. Though why his constituents would still vote for him after that boggles the mind.

    Oh, wait. No, now I remember. Pennsylvania is now composed entirely of semi-intelligent undead. It was in the news for a while, before Draknalluthrax ate the Associated Press.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:11 No.15702948
    A noble cause. I wish you and your extensive family the best of fortune.
    >> Doppelganger 07/25/11(Mon)20:11 No.15702952
    Sounds like you had been bitten by a doppelvampire. They are know to make their victims into doppelgangers.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:12 No.15702958
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    >This thread
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:12 No.15702961


    Oh please. There's no historical evidence to support that and the so-called 'witnesses' consistently tested Evil under a Paladingraph. If there even was such a thing as a concerted effort by High Elves to wipe out the illithid race, it would have to have been on a much smaller scale.
    >> Jack McMindflayer 07/25/11(Mon)20:12 No.15702967
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    See, this is what I'm talking about! Sure, we come from a future where illithids rule over fucking everything, but that's so far forward that I doubt even the liches will exist long enough to experience it!

    For now, most of us just want a nice home, a nice job, and maybe, just maybe, a fresh fucking brain to snack on, instead of corpse-brain.

    Of course, if you're dead set on trying to 'cleanse' us, good luck. We control the courts, and given enough provocation, we could turn your brain into mush. Don't fuck with us, we're pissed off already.
    >> An Entirely Different Lich 07/25/11(Mon)20:12 No.15702969
    Look, I've never met a senator who loves to eat live, wriggling kender as much as Draknalluthrax. And, hell, how do you think he stuffs congress with as many of his half-dragon progeny as he does if not the traditional way? Nope, he's gonna die for good, but that day is still a while coming.
    >> Proud Centaur Supremacist 07/25/11(Mon)20:14 No.15702981
    High Elf race traitor detected.

    Why do you deny the glory of your forefathers?
    >> An Entirely Different Lich 07/25/11(Mon)20:15 No.15702984
    You might want to reign in your remarks on liches, Dr. McMindflayer. We're notoriously touchy on the subject of a possible Final Death. I have no doubt that, in the grand fullness of time, I shall witness the stars dying and the slow death of our world.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:15 No.15702985
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    Goddamnit. I was afraid of that. I thought it was some kind of lycanthropy, but the whole "what the fuck why is it blue" thing keeps throwing me off. Why do people actually do this shit? Should I just give up on the whole college thing then?
    >> Reginald P. Ogreson. 07/25/11(Mon)20:17 No.15702996
    Seek out a decent therapist dealing in young turnings and you'll turn out fine son.

    Just need to get used to it I guess.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:17 No.15702999
    jesus christ you guys are all dicks

    In my home plane we have harmony among all races. I used to think this plane could have it too but, seriously, all this pointless hatred. What the fuck. Maybe you can't.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:17 No.15703001
    You'd be surprised how many people didn't like Grand Theft Carriage: San Orsinium just because you had to play as a greenie
    >> Sir Lichly 07/25/11(Mon)20:17 No.15703003
    Indeed, we liches shall outlast this universe and witness the birth of a completely new and prestine universe!
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:18 No.15703007

    We know that the president is his spawn, and even that only after several very subtle and powerful investigative spells were cast, the casters of which by the way have had a series of unfortunate accidents or scandals attached to their names afterwards.

    Considering just how legendarily "vigorous" the old lecher is, it begs the question of just how many of his children he have managed to worm into positions of power, all this combined with his vast wealth and goblinoid voting block is worrisome indeed.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:18 No.15703008

    I still think he's gonna get done in by an adventuring party.

    Do you know how close Kordin Firehammer (R, TX) came to killing him? I never thought a dwarf could move so damn FAST, even if he did get roasted in the end. I disagreed with his policies - especially his stance on species mixing - but he died well, I'll give him that, and he gave old Draky a scar to remember him by.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:18 No.15703010

    Blue hairs...

    Hey guys? Is "being a Tiefling" an STD? Because I think this guy might have caught Tiefling.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:18 No.15703012
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    Do NOT hold the rest of us accountable for what those lunatics in the Balkans do. Most of them are literally from the dark ages.
    >> Jack McMindflayer 07/25/11(Mon)20:19 No.15703025
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    If I were you, I'd give up on a whole lot more than college. Like I said, call me up and we can take her for everything she's got, and you can live your last sane years in luxury.

    After that, might wanna bite the bullet. Literally.


    I personally don't have anything against liches. You guys are generally great to be around. Hell, my wizard buddy wants to be one of you. And when our empire rolls around under the dying sun, I'm sure you'll still be welcomed.
    >> An Entirely Different Lich 07/25/11(Mon)20:20 No.15703032
    That's because you come from Elysium, also known as the Blessed Fields. The ground is made of literal solidified goodness, as are the trees, grass, birds, angels, and everything else. It's all good to the core. We, on the other hand, must make due with Material matters, and are, as such, an equal balance of all elements and alignments. Not only is perfect harmony impossible, to seek it is to disrupt the balance of the multiverse and threaten Cosmic harmony.
    >> Reginald P. Ogreson. 07/25/11(Mon)20:20 No.15703036
    All it takes is one of his rousty spawn to be just that bit faster than him and I can see his little network come crashing down.

    I heard he is not always on good terms with his kin.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:20 No.15703037
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    You N'WAH
    >> Bob, Grand-Nephew of Bhaal 07/25/11(Mon)20:21 No.15703039

    It most certainly is not.
    >> Sir Lichly 07/25/11(Mon)20:21 No.15703043
    Hey, hey any of you guys remember how old the oldest lich is? I have to do a paper about him but I can't find anything about his age anywhere.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:22 No.15703051

    Sounds an awful lot like something the infernal equivalent of syphillis would say...
    >> Bob, Grand-Nephew of Bhaal 07/25/11(Mon)20:22 No.15703054

    I heard about a lich named Xagyg. Apparently he discovered the process way back when.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:23 No.15703057
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    I come to this land from a place far away.

    My only wish; to open authentic elf restaurant at bargain prices.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:23 No.15703058
    >A bloo bloo bloo the GDF is brutalising us
    I hate how liberals eat this shit up, as though kobolds aren't suicide bombing Gnommish buses and setting IEDs all over the warrens and underhomes.
    >> An Entirely Different Lich 07/25/11(Mon)20:23 No.15703059
    Old Gral? That's because he was born before the written word had been invented, and he doesn't know his age for certain either. Some time between fire and agriculture is my best guess, though, seeing as how he stumbled into Lichdom by accident, more or less.
    >> Reginald P. Ogreson. 07/25/11(Mon)20:24 No.15703067

    use Lichipedia, ignore the bollocks about it not being a valid source, just read the foot notations and use them as refrences.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:24 No.15703068
    Wow, that's a loaded topic. Seems every other year or so, they keep debating over who's oldest... I swear, if half the liches who claimed to have personally witnessed the First Ascent of Saint Cuthbert actually did, the place would've looked like a gods-damned rave party.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:24 No.15703072
    You're all a bunch of small-minded, selfish bigots. So we've got a few asshole dragonoid politicians, who the fuck cares? Everyone cries about how they have it worse, but the fact is that if you live in a place that -has- politicians, you're probably better off.

    There are dryads in the south being sold into prostitution whenever lumber companies run into them trying to protect the rainforests. Fewer than 3000 treants are still alive in the wild, and you think you have it rough? Bunch of circlejerking faggots.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:25 No.15703077
    Oh don't drag that shit up. Those Five Old Ones have such a big pissing contest over their age and have had thousands of years to falsify any data. It's one of them, sure, and it's probably in excess of five thousand years, but there's not much more to say.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:26 No.15703085
    Yeah but that's what all the other really old liches say.

    They're all bullshitting.
    >> Bob, Grand-Nephew of Bhaal 07/25/11(Mon)20:26 No.15703087

    It's an ethnicity, NOT a disease. Just because I have sharp teeth and a prehensile tail doesn't mean that I'm diseased.

    Plus, I caught Porphyric Haemophilia once, and I got a priest of Kord to cast Cure Disease and Remove Curse on me. If being a tiefling was a disease, I'd have been cured.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:26 No.15703088
    Hell. I'd rather the hosecat thing. Please whatever higher power can see this, DON'T LET THAT BE TRUE.
    >> An Entirely Different Lich 07/25/11(Mon)20:27 No.15703095
    That's because everyone across four planes of existence could see it! People don't really know how godsdamned BRIGHT it is when a mortal ascends. He damn near blinded me until I got out my backup eyes.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:27 No.15703097

    Well, blue hair just might be the early stages of Chromatic Ebola.

    Of course it is unlikely unless there is a metallic tint to the color, if so however i would recommend fire, lots of it.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:28 No.15703104
    Yeah, he ascended a few years ago, now has the fastest growing church on the planet. They do tend to down play his lichdom so I can understand why you didn't make the connection
    >> Jack McMindflayer 07/25/11(Mon)20:28 No.15703110
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    You know, you can always donate your body to the Illithid food reserve. We'll make it painless, and you won't end up as a raving, blue-furred, insane cannibilistic abomination.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:28 No.15703111

    You think this guy hasn't tried stuff like Cure Disease or Remove Curse yet?

    Face it, HIVman. Your kind is literally a living disease.
    >> An /a/non wearing y/u/ri goggles 07/25/11(Mon)20:28 No.15703112

    And not even a full orc, just half!
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:29 No.15703116
    Superior warrior here, all you nerds sit here all day long while I protect our nations from those raging barbarians from the middle east or whatever they are!
    >> Reginald P. Ogreson. 07/25/11(Mon)20:29 No.15703119
    Always felt bad for you tieflings, different enough to be picked upon, not scary enough to demand respect.
    >> Bob, Grand-Nephew of Bhaal 07/25/11(Mon)20:29 No.15703121

    It was either him or the Divad son of Arn who started it. I remember; the elf students in my history class kept on going on about "the Unknown Baelnorn" that made me want to vomit.
    >> An Entirely Different Lich 07/25/11(Mon)20:30 No.15703123
    Ah, ah, Dr. McMindflayer. You get the brain, we get the body.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:30 No.15703127

    A Priest of Kord? You expected a proper medical treatment from the God of Jocks and Frat Boys?

    The priest probably couldn't even SPELL Tiefling.


    Bullet to the brain, man. Only way to be sure. Better dead than red(skin)
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:31 No.15703131
    I am so impressed by how you can mow down nearly unarmed kobolds with enchanted rocket launchers.

    Oh wait. I'm not.

    Go fight in the Blood War if you want cred. There's a planeshuttle leaving every three years for volunteers, and I'm sure some tanari or other would make a portal for you free if you really was so hardcore.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:32 No.15703136
    No, no, that was his Second Ascent, not the First. You're working backwards, dude. Think Lesser, not Greater.
    >> Reginald P. Ogreson. 07/25/11(Mon)20:32 No.15703137
    I told you you had to follow the damn train crogarg.

    a classic really.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:32 No.15703145
    You're the type that says half-elves and half-orcs are a "disease" too. It's these kind of thoughts that make our countries so separatist. It's statements like this that keep us from race equality. The real disease here is bigotry.
    >> Bob, Grand-Nephew of Bhaal 07/25/11(Mon)20:33 No.15703147

    There's only so much prestige you can get from being the grand nephew of a dead god in evil circles, and only so much prestige you can get from being the nephew of the Bhaalspawn in good circles.

    I'd go out and adventure like Uncle Abdel, but I'm not in Faerun anymore.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:33 No.15703153
    Dwarf here.

    I work at a security firm with kobold co-workers. No problems with them. They're pretty bro-tier.

    >intitse winer

    Yes, Captcha, there are many whiners in this thread.
    >> Reginald P. Ogreson. 07/25/11(Mon)20:33 No.15703156
    Bullet to the brain might work.

    I know a good embalmer and Necromancer.
    >> Mr. Flumph 07/25/11(Mon)20:34 No.15703162
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    You think YOU guys have it bad? I can't go three fucking days without finding out that some family of goblins dug their way into my fucking root cellar and started eating all my nonperishable foodstuffs. You wouldn't BELIEVE the paperwork I had to fill out after I blinded the little pests with some acid and chucked the blighters onto the sidewalk.

    Y'know, I'd almost PREFER to be discriminated against. At least then people would know what the fuck I even AM. Everywhere I go, it's blank stares or people confusing me with mindflayer-spawn.

    God I'm lonely.
    >> Bob, Grand-Nephew of Bhaal 07/25/11(Mon)20:34 No.15703163

    He'd been drunk, true, but you don't turn up healing when you need it, even when the guy healing you smells like a jock strap.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:35 No.15703166
    Liches and illithids, man. You guys get along together so good. Other races should learn that from you.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:35 No.15703167

    Ah yes, the elves and their "we invented it" syndrome.

    Sure, Grandpa Eridillineerinarien invented fire, and orgasms, and bronze and magic and of course liches too.

    Never mind that they are immortal and already have what most liches become liches for, plus flesh.

    Nope, the Elven sense of superiority would be hoplessly crippled unless they invented something that they really had no pressing need for.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:35 No.15703172
    Kinda weird how you never see vampires eh? I'm starting to wonder if they're actually just fictional.
    >> Super Aggro Crag !!7x7KzlxQrrH 07/25/11(Mon)20:35 No.15703174
    Well, you know what they say about flumph hookers.

    Once you get them on their back, they're fucked.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:37 No.15703181
    He doesnt count, he was an immortal undead but he lacked magic and every few decades he just sota fell apart on his own and had to reanimate a new corpse
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:37 No.15703184
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    Hey guys.

    I fixed your unemployment issues.
    >> An Entirely Different Lich 07/25/11(Mon)20:37 No.15703185
    Oh, that's right. No, I was actually properly alive during his First Ascent, but I was studying in the City of Brass at the time, so I didn't get the news for another ten years. Can't see an ascent in the elemental, after all, what with it being a purely spiritual event.
    >> Bob, Grand-Nephew of Bhaal 07/25/11(Mon)20:37 No.15703187

    My human brother James had an elven girlfriend who claimed her grandfather invented the condom. I didn't have the heart to ask her why a member of a species that couldn't procreate its way out of a hole in the ground would invent contraception.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:38 No.15703195

    I'm surprised you didn't walk out of that "healing" with a few extra teeth and your knees the wrong way around.
    >> Reginald P. Ogreson. 07/25/11(Mon)20:38 No.15703196
    The Vampire crazed died out after the whole Twilight movie gave out false infomation about Vampire's ans sunlight.

    Poor bastards, at least it was only gay humans and fat ugly human females not even an Ogre will hit.

    Most vampire's I know are traditionalists, so they don't get out much.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:39 No.15703198
    Elf here. Do you have any clue what it's like to be looked at and have everyone assume you're some sort of elitist prick? To have everyone assume that because you think of the future, you're better than them? News flash, assholes. Elven retirement lasts thousands of years, and I'm not allowed to work for even one of them. I try to get a good nest egg, set myself up so my twilight years aren't spent sitting in some grove wishing I had a house, and I'm 'oppressing the little guy' and I 'think I'm better than everyone'. So what if I'm an archmage? I'm still a fellow citizen, an I still follow the laws like everyone else.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:39 No.15703199
    >read thread
    >realise I still love /tg/
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:39 No.15703200
    Have you ever gone to a Denny's past midnight? I don't know what it is, but vampires LOVE Denny's.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:39 No.15703203
    Hey. Any high elves out there? Is It true you guys can breathe underwater?

    I have a dwarf friend who swears you guys can. He says with how high in the air all your noses are, you would drown when it rains otherwise.
    >> Jack McMindflayer 07/25/11(Mon)20:39 No.15703205
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    We have very complimentary needs. Plus when one of you lives forever and the other keeps the memories of its ancestors, you eventually learn to recognize your bros.


    >People mixing up mindflayers and flumphs

    Fuck, NOW I'm mad.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:39 No.15703206
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    Kenku here. I'm not terribly pleased that the right-wing fascist illithids are pulling the strings behind the entertainment industry. Then again, if you try to deal with the left-wing liberal half-breeds party...
    >> Bob, Grand-Nephew of Bhaal 07/25/11(Mon)20:39 No.15703208

    My tail turned into a penis. I think I got lucky, actually.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:39 No.15703209
    Eh, I dunno. I think I'll try and fight this a little. At least a year or 2. I know this shaman up the way who might know a few things. My folks should be fine with me disappearing for a bit, with all the stuff they've been through. I probably won't be sending home any cursed relics anytime soon though. Should get that therapy though. You know a guy?
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:40 No.15703211
    Human here.

    I wish tiefling was a transmissible "disease" I hate being a human, humans are responsible for all the worlds suffering. I dated a tiefling once, she was a singer for a metal band, her name was Aryitess. She was killed by a party of adventures when she played for the Lich Baron Kyzard
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:41 No.15703221
    Human shopkeeper here.

    Fuck Kender.

    That is all.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:42 No.15703226

    See, this is why you go to a REAL Temple for healing. Kord is where the burnouts and trust fund douchebags go to coast their way to money for pipeweed and beer.

    (Was... was it still prehensile? ... want to hook up later?)
    >> An Entirely Different Lich 07/25/11(Mon)20:42 No.15703229
    I think it's because we don't have brains and are immune to their psionics, and their corpses don't animate very well, leaving us in the happy position of not fearing one another at all. Most of this racial tension is built on fear, so when there is no fear, there can be no tension. We know that the Illithids will one day rule the world. We also know that we'll still be around. And, so long as we do not fear one another, we can cooperate extremely effectively, especially because Illithids are some of the few mortals able to provide stimulating intellectual discussion. A fascinating people with much to recommend them, they are.
    >> Super Aggro Crag !!7x7KzlxQrrH 07/25/11(Mon)20:42 No.15703231
    You're shit.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:42 No.15703233
    Har de fucking har. Pardon us for trying to better society a little. You hear dwarves talking about engineering this and structural that, but you know what really fixes shit? Magic. If the stonecutter's guild and woodcutter's guild got off of their asses, you'd all be living in homes responding to your will, with furnishings however you liked it, that are just a door against a flat wall on this plane.

    And don't give me that shit about 'dispel magic'. you know how you 'dispel' a wooden house? A fucking torch. That's a lot easier to come by than a third-circle spell.
    >> Bob, Grand-Nephew of Bhaal 07/25/11(Mon)20:43 No.15703241

    Amen. I run a guitar store in Ohio, and all the little bastards do is come in and play "Stairway to Heaven." Seriously. That's all they fucking play. And it's a different group of kender every time. It's like they fucking KNOW it pisses me off, and they don't care.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:43 No.15703242
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    We should have never stopped destroying liches wherever we found them.

    I mean, hello, they're undead monstrosities, born from atrocity and stuffed to bursting with negative energy, they're a literal blight on the world of the living, and everyone else is treated like second-class citizens. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills here.

    But what do I know, I'm just one of the last lines of defense for the world's rapidly vanishing natural reserves, I live in the woods, obviously nothing I say matters.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:43 No.15703246

    Oh my god, you're one of those bug chasers, aren't you? Those sick fucks who go around having sex with non-humans in the hope of getting some weird bullshit enchantment that'll solve all your problems by making you stop be human and be a pretty elf instead?

    >> Mr. Flumph 07/25/11(Mon)20:45 No.15703262
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    Hey man, it's not our fault we've got balance issues. Something to do with our inner ears or something. Still, I WISH I could find a flumph hooker. All I can find in my area are halflings and gnolls, and I'd sooner knot my own eyestalks than put my tendrils anywhere nears a gnoll chick's incisors.

    I've had to settle for phone sex with a Gibbering Mouther, and let me tell you it is NOT WORTH IT.


    Hey, how do y'think I feel? Not that you Illithid aren't all stand-up gents, but folks won't even look me in the eye if they think I'm hankerin' for some grey matter.

    People see tentacles and automatically think "Oh, must be a mindflayer!" Gits.
    >> An Entirely Different Lich 07/25/11(Mon)20:45 No.15703264
    Man, given how much life is in the world these days, you need us around to balance it out. Otherwise you'd all spontaneously combust from the concentrated positive energy.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:45 No.15703267

    Now, I'm not trying to be insensitive here, but I notice most Kordites are pretty dumb. Muscleheads, guidos, half-Orcs. You don't see anyone with a degree or a 401K in there, you know?
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:46 No.15703272
    Now, I just want her back.
    >> Bob, Grand-Nephew of Bhaal 07/25/11(Mon)20:46 No.15703288

    It's not as nice as it sounds. Prehensile, yes, but I have to wear a leather hood over it 24/7. And I'm used to using my tail to pick up objects, so... long story short, I'm on the sex offender list.
    >> Lich Baron Kyzard 07/25/11(Mon)20:47 No.15703294
    oh shit, I remember that.

    That shit was so off the hook. Was stoned on powdered demigods at the time, so it's all a blur.

    A real blast anyway
    >> Super Aggro Crag !!7x7KzlxQrrH 07/25/11(Mon)20:47 No.15703296
    Why don't you guys just put butter on your bottom side? That way if you fall you will stay upright.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:49 No.15703311
    Why else do you think that Draknalluthrax instituted a "first offense" policy for Kender? Granted, the "first offense" means they go straight down his gullet, but it's still one of his few bills that I can support.
    >> Lich Baron Kyzard 07/25/11(Mon)20:49 No.15703312
    >I've had to settle for phone sex with a Gibbering Mouther, and let me tell you it is NOT WORTH IT.

    If I could get tears in my eyes, I would have tears in my eyes right now.

    From laughing.

    If I could laugh.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:49 No.15703313
    Rakshasa here.

    Recently came off a long stint at Las Vegas, doing magic shows. Made a fuckload of cash.

    I've now retired in a quiet corner in India, lord of the Manor. The people of the village treat me with respect and in return I pull string to improve their lot. Got a personal cook and great food, harem of bitches and this internet thing is great.

    Not only is the cook good, but he's discreet. Every so often the villagers make a.... donation. A criminal of some heinous crime. And he's very polite about it. Such a delicacy he makes, too.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:50 No.15703323

    Eh, you just have the bad luck of being born in a country that had a somewhat lacking level of development a few centuries back.

    Two hundred years ago the one big moment that got all the races to cooperate for a few decades was the Great Kender Pogroms.

    There is not a single Kender left on the continent that can trace his lineage more than seven decades back before he encounters immigrants, and we like it that way. Damn, thieving loudmouthed, wrinkly little abominations.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:50 No.15703324

    ... That's not a problem for me.

    Meet me at the Greyscale Tavern tonight. I'll buy you a beer.
    >> Jack McMindflayer 07/25/11(Mon)20:51 No.15703326
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    >Right wing fascists

    What the fuck am I read-oh, right, kenku.


    You just need to move, from the sounds of it. Find some place where the people aren't retarded and/or blind, deaf, and dumb.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:51 No.15703328
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    Changeling here. Enjoying your unique racial benefits? So am I.

    >a bloo bloo mandatory registry
    Yeah, and it's maintained by incompetent bureaucrats who wouldn't know a shapeshifter if I jumped up and bit them on the ass. It's so easy to play the system that I'd be amazed if it turned out that we weren't secretly responsible for the whole thing.
    >> Bob, Grand-Nephew of Bhaal 07/25/11(Mon)20:51 No.15703329

    I hate kender as much as the next humanoid, but I'm pretty sure that a law requiring offenders to be fed to a specific senator is unconstitutional. Even the "revised edition" that Draky passed back in '08.
    >> Mr. Flumph 07/25/11(Mon)20:51 No.15703331
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    Very funny, guy. Though I can't blame you for not knowing that flumphs are lactose intolerant. I even tried some kind of dairy-less margerine substitute, but apparently the "butter rule" only works on real butter.

    I even tried tying a cat to my head once. It actually worked at first, but then I forgot to feed the damn thing and, well...

    I have to check my mailbox with a ten foot pole ever since PETA started sending my mail bombs.
    >> Bob, Grand-Nephew of Bhaal 07/25/11(Mon)20:53 No.15703350

    Oh Lathander, you aren't one of those tiefling chasers?

    My last girlfriend was one of those. I had to change my name and move after she tried to cut off my tail as a "keepsake."
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:55 No.15703366

    Its not that you live in the woods that put people off, its that you fuck animals.

    Damn Circle of Thorns freaks.
    >> An Entirely Different Lich 07/25/11(Mon)20:55 No.15703367

    Funnily enough, there is precedent, from the bill he passed in 1798 requiring that publishers of "false, scandalous, and malicious writing" against the government and its officials be thrown in his gullet. While not strictly constitutional, the first law was overturned on the ground that it threatened free speech, not that the offenders be fed to him, and no-one has cared enough to get the Kender bill to the Supreme Court.
    >> Lich Baron Kyzard 07/25/11(Mon)20:56 No.15703370
    I think she just wants two dicks but not the hassle of two guys. GO FOR IT BOI
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:56 No.15703373
    Say, you wouldn't happen to be Raj Talumar? If so I daresay you may be my neighbor of sorts. My estate's not terribly far from yours, and thanks to you manipulating the local cable company I was able to get an internet line installed. Much appreciated. I may be a tremendously powerful Ak'chazar sorcerer but I hadn't even thought I'd use the internet as much as I do.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:56 No.15703375
    Dwarves here. Being gutter cleaner is the best job ever. You don't have to worry about lodgings and there's free food in the form of rats everywhere. Fuck, you could even start your own mining enterprise in the sewers!
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)20:58 No.15703387
    Really can't complain about my lot in life. Did a job for the goddess, and ended up killing a corrupt emperor. Now somehow I am running the empire he left behind. What the hell is a Drow to do? I tried turning it into a haven for other Drow that don't want to stay in the underdark, but I got so bogged down in paperwork that I ended up killing the third person to bring in a stack of papers. The mages had to make a spell so that any papers put on my desk would reassemble themselves if I took out my frustrations on it. Not to mention the Matriarch just died recently, meaning that I just inherited a noble house as well. even the under-matriarchs can't handle all the paperwork. Now I know why the previous monarch went mad.
    >> Anonymous Lich 07/25/11(Mon)20:58 No.15703388
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    So, gentlemen. How does it feel to not be immortal or not being smart enough to enter the lich academy.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:00 No.15703409
    Centaur here.

    By Chiron's steely hooves, I wish people would stop asking me if I fuck horses. Do humans fuck monkeys? It stopped being funny ages ago.

    Its to the point my wife is reluctant to even leave the house unless it's for grocery shopping or something else vital for all the obscene remarks and lewd comments regarding our personal habits. Damned hooligans, claiming we're as filthy as a wild horse - but, we can't afford to move until the housing market settles down, so we're stuck in this dipshit neighborhood for now...
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:01 No.15703419
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    Look, you've never been a wolf running beneath the moon or a hawk soaring through the sky, you just don't understand what it's like when you've turned warg.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:01 No.15703421

    How the fuck do you wipe your asses after you shit?
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:01 No.15703423
    like liches are chumps and Necropolitan provides all the benefits with a fraction of the cost and without having to turn yourself into a massive walking target for any obnoxious band of fantasy stereotypes who want to steal your shit.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:01 No.15703424
    >implying that's a girl
    >implying it's not a palladin
    >implying he's not feeling like a cowboy and isn't looking for free kills
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:01 No.15703425
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    My name is Hrengh, and I hate every single one of you. All of you are whiny, retarded, no-lifes who spend every second of their day whining about the man. You are everything bad in the world. Honestly, have any of you ever gotten a real job? I mean, I guess it’s fun making fun of people because of your own insecurities, but you all take to a whole new level. This is even worse than jerking off to pictures on facescroll.
    Don’t be a stranger. Just hit me with your best shot. I’m pretty much perfect. I was a quarterback, bitch. What sports do you play, other than “whiny babby cry cry time”? I also don't get sick from eating the food you guys are whining about, and have a banging hot girlfriend (She just blew me; Shit was SO cash). You are all faggots who should just kill yourselves. Thanks for listening.
    Pic Related: It’s me and my bitch.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:03 No.15703437


    For a tiefling, baby, I could be.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:03 No.15703438
    gods dammit, THIS is the kinda junk I have to hear every other fucking day. Piss off.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:04 No.15703452
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    Oh, are you the fellow who lives near the graveyard? I'm sorry I haven't had time to say hello, terribly unpolite of me.

    I'm of a far plainer ilk, but my powers are enough to entertain these humans. And I've made a few connections in my time.

    I swear though not even my connections can stop the Nagas and Vanaras from annoying me from time to time. They're so obnoxious.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:04 No.15703454
    I don't know, being impossible to kill permanently to the point that you will probably witness the death of the sun, is pretty sweet.

    But what can I say, I just enjoy the idea of living forever.
    >> An Entirely Different Lich 07/25/11(Mon)21:04 No.15703456
    The difference being, of course, that should someone manage to kill a Lich, we can just reform; no fuss, no muss. Bringing a Necropolitan back is difficult in the extreme. No advancement in being a Necropolitan, either. I can look forward to demilichdom and, eventually, akalichdom. Of course, it's all a moot point, because you Necropolitans are still pretty cool. I understand that not everyone likes the hassle of becoming a lich.
    >> Lich Baron Kyzard 07/25/11(Mon)21:04 No.15703458

    Do you know how many necropolitans are over like two hundred years? Not many.

    Do you know how many liches are at least in their second millennium? Most of them.

    So yeeeah, phylacteries are cool shit man
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:04 No.15703460
    Oh man, people have no idea how right this guy is.

    I masqueraded at a wealthy Dwarven oil baron for a few years, some time back, until I got caught for embezzlement. When they came to arrest me, I stabbed one of the three officers who came to arrest me, grabbed his elf friend, ran into another room and changed into the elf. By the time his Orc partner came into the room, he had no idea who was the real officer and who was the changeling! It was like one of those scenes in the movies where one person has a gun, and has to figure out who's the clone and who's the real deal. He chose wrong obviously.

    After that, I went back to the elf's house, and got some sweet immortal pussy from his wife.

    Got a problem that I'm admitting to murder, identity theft, embezzlement and a number of other crimes? Try and find me. Hell, I'll even tell you where I am. I live in downtown Chicago, at a shitty little apartment complex at the north side of the area.

    Maybe it'll be your wife I fuck tomorrow night.
    >> BDSM Cat 07/25/11(Mon)21:05 No.15703465
    Uhhh, hey guys!

    Sorry to interrupt your racist postings, but I've kind of got a real problem.

    So last week I took a trip out with a friend adventuring like we usually do. Details are really, REALLY blurry.

    Today I woke up in my bed with no pulse, most of my belongings gone, and my friend is missing. Like, literally my heart has stopped beating, my veins are just gone... No bite marks, went and stood out in the sun, pretty sure I'm not a vampire, and it doesn't look like I'm rotting anywhere, so that rules out zombie.

    Any clue what the fuck is going on? I'm human, if that helps.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:05 No.15703474

    Not only am i immortal, i am also smart enough to avoid having my fleshy bits decompose or my soul sold to some questionable lower plane denizen.

    And you too can learn the procedure, in twelve "easy" installments a 1 million GP each.

    Immortality, sex, the sense of taste, all this and more, why settle for lesser options when Farlathn the Everlivings immortality procedure can be had for a modest price.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:07 No.15703498
    I dabble in inter-house politics in the Drow citadel of Shranon. As a hobby I go out and kill Aboleths in the Underdark. What do you do?
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:08 No.15703505
    Isn't Alter Self a spell that pretty much any two bit wizard can use, and hence, personal permanent appearance isn't important for a lich?
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:08 No.15703510
    Yes, I'm the fellow by the graveyard with the small Wight horde. Hah, what -are- the chances?

    And I'm with you on the nagas. The real trouble, I find, is that the good-aligned nagas are so popular with the people that they have been elected to local government, which as you may imagine is a terrible pain. They especially seem to like to target me with ordinances against necromancy and 'unlawful sorcery'. Utter bollocks what that is.
    >> An Entirely Different Lich 07/25/11(Mon)21:08 No.15703516
    Hrm. That's a pretty interesting case of undeath, that is. You could be a Necropolitan, though I have a hard time believing that because you would've remembered the ceremony. You could be a zombie with a Gentle Repose spell, so I wouldn't rule that out.

    No, based on your symptoms, I'm guessing that it's an elaborate prank using illusion magic or enchantment magic. The whole, "let's make him think he's dead," gag is pretty darn old. Do you happen to know any illusionists or enchanters?
    >> Jack McMindflayer 07/25/11(Mon)21:09 No.15703521
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    You are a dense motherfucker, son. I am an illithid. You mind is an open book to me.

    I am a lawyer, it is my job to send fucks like you away for a long, long time.

    I live in Chicago.

    Prepare your anus.
    >> Lich Baron Kyzard 07/25/11(Mon)21:09 No.15703522
    Some kind of body stasis. I did that sometimes as a prank, freaks people out. Got old.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:09 No.15703528
    Well, seeing as I may be doing that soon, any advice for when I turn for the first time? or should I just lock my hands and legs and hope I don't break out?

    Fuck I think the patch is spreading. Or at least starting to tickle. And the bitch isn't answering my calls. If course. And my dad is a fucking hunter. Damnit.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:09 No.15703531

    On the other hand MY species do not have a well known specieswide problem with mange and halitosis.
    >> Bob, Grand-Nephew of Bhaal 07/25/11(Mon)21:10 No.15703544

    You're a revenant, bro.

    Unless you've got the overwhelming urge to go out and get revenge/save people, you're an unfettered one as well. You'll need to start drinking souls to survive.

    I know. My stepsister is a revenant.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:10 No.15703546
    do you have a sense of smell and does your touch full thick, interfered with. I've been hearing reports of a artificer who been turning humans into golems since he released you and kept your friend one of you is a success but cant say who. Its been a man hunt but the fed are keeping it low profile
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:11 No.15703552
    >Be a lich
    >Visit Sedlec Ossuary
    >Never feel at home again

    Now I know why that place is so popular in lich circles, the entire tourism there is pretty much aimed at getting liches to buy crap.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:11 No.15703557
    yeah, that's the other thing. How is it that liches only being jews not the most racist shit ever? you shysters seriously need to share that magic.

    yeah, I looked it up. Only Jews and liches use phylacteries. I don't believe that's a coincidence.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:12 No.15703563
    Im a human, and all my friends are tiefling bitchs, all of them want my dick, you mad lesser races?

    Im 24, working on my Elemental PHD at Salem. Can't wait to start working. My great great great great great great grandfather has got a position for me at Discretionary Security Solutions. Figure I do 40 years there, then become a lich like him.

    Thank you Greatx6 Grandad Xylix, you rock. You always gave me the greatest Ascension Eve presents.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:12 No.15703564
    liches, jews, bad news.
    >> An Entirely Different Lich 07/25/11(Mon)21:13 No.15703572
    It's just a name based on convention at this point. While most traditional Liches use phylacteries, there's nothing preventing you from using rings, headbands, amulets, small figurines, statuettes, or really any sort of small solid object.
    >> Lich Baron Kyzard 07/25/11(Mon)21:13 No.15703574
    It's not weird only liches have them, it's because it's in the DEFINITION.

    I swear, I'm drunk and stoned and my brain has rotten away a hundred years ago but I'm still cleverer than most of you mortals.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:14 No.15703576
    Not to be an ass, but being an Illithid lawyer seems like cheating.

    I mean, it makes defending a guilty man a cakewalk no matter the evidence against him, because you can always just pick people's minds for the exact thing to say to get him off the hook.

    Or just discreetly threaten the jury that you'll lay your eggs in their brain if they don't vote your way.
    >> Jack McMindflayer 07/25/11(Mon)21:14 No.15703577
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    >All of them want my dick

    Not in the way you might think, human. You wouldn't believe the amount of cases I run across that are similar to yours.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:14 No.15703583
    > Greatx6 Grandad
    The common term is 'Greater-than-Great Grandad' when you hit more than 3 greats.
    >> Bob, Grand-Nephew of Bhaal 07/25/11(Mon)21:15 No.15703589

    I worked for a lich who used my beating heart as a phylactery. It sure was awkward when a group of adventurers came along to kill him.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:16 No.15703591
    But the other lawyer will also be a lich unless the other party is piss poor, so it evens out.

    That's how they cornered the business.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:16 No.15703593
    >All of them want his dick
    Look at the number of half-human races and review your answer
    >> An Entirely Different Lich 07/25/11(Mon)21:16 No.15703596
    Why do you think all the lawyers are Illithids these days? It's because they're damn good at it. They have living repositories of knowledge to consult, they can read minds, they have great memories, and they're really smart to boot. It's like complaining that Dwarves are architects or elves are wizards; it's just what they're good at.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:16 No.15703604
    Oh god, I can't imagine how you bear it. Illustionary magic usually gets a pass and so does shapeshifting, at least in India, and those are what I specialized in for the humans. Plus the old physical displays, you know wrestling a real tiger and that.

    Oh, did you hear a Guardian Naga got elected in our region? Hooo boy. I'm thinking of hiring an assasin.
    >> An Entirely Different Lich 07/25/11(Mon)21:18 No.15703619
    I haven't made an official study of it yet, but I'm pretty sure that pheromones have something to do with it. Anecdotal evidence suggests that, to beings with noses, humans just smell really, really good.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:18 No.15703621
    Canadian githyanki here. Yes, my family and all my friends are poor, but we don't have NEARLY as many problems as you fuckers. I have a full-time job getting $16 an hour, with plenty of opportunity for advancement when I have more experience there. I'm friends with plenty of planar immigrants and 3rd+ generation goblins/kobolds, as well as elves and humans from the better side of the tracks.

    Amerifats jelly of our racial unity and non-fucked economy.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:19 No.15703622
    >I wish this were a real setting
    >> BDSM Cat 07/25/11(Mon)21:19 No.15703628
    All I can smell at the moment is something akin to wine-corks shoved up my nose. Otherwise I'm good. All senses intact.
    Uhh... shit. Can followers of Pelor even become revenants? I thought that stuff just happened to more to acolytes of Afflux and Bhaal and stuff like that.
    My friend was an illusionist, so come to think of it, maybe this is all just some big prank. God, I hope so. This is unnerving, how do any of you even deal with not feeling your own heart beating?
    >> Jack McMindflayer 07/25/11(Mon)21:19 No.15703630
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    You just explained in great detail why most of us are lawyers.

    Because we're good at it. Especially at prosecution. You'd be amazed at how many perps think about their crimes in detail while at the stand.

    But it's not so much cheating. Most other lawyers are illithids too, our liches. And almost all the judges are liches. Can't really threaten brain-eating there, can you?

    Its a balanced system. More importantly, its a system that almost always sees justice done.
    >> Mr. Dravko Broodkin 07/25/11(Mon)21:20 No.15703634
    I'm one of the Brood of Laeversis the Blue, and let me tell you, in the current political climate I cannot get a fucking job. I'm a qualified accountant, and a better one than most, yet I get barred from every fucking place I go! Either they see 'half-dragon' on my sheet and shut down the process because they think I'm one of Draknalluthrax's kin and they're afraid of getting political (at least their polite when they do this), and if they DO know who I am they refuse me because they're afraid Draknalluthrax and his lot will pressure them!

    By Tiamat, that fucking bastard loses one fucking fight to my grandfather and is bitter forever. Reds I tell ya. Granddad fucking owned (still does actually) the fucking Arabian Peninsula and you didn't hear him whining when the British stole half the place. He did get it back, but he held no grudges.

    The only reason I'm not homeless is because I got Dad to grant me an allowance, which is goddamn humiliating given that I came to the US because I wanted to do something useful, instead of being another oil prince like my wastrel brothers.

    Goddamn reds.
    >> Bob, Grand-Nephew of Bhaal 07/25/11(Mon)21:20 No.15703637

    To be fair, everyone seems to want tiefling dick when they aren't trying to purge us. See earlier in this thread for an example.

    Can't go wrong with aphrodisiac saliva. It makes going to the dentist awkward, though.
    >> Anonymous Lich 07/25/11(Mon)21:20 No.15703638
    Man what I would give to get a bone from there, I'd probably even sacrifice one of my great-whatever-grandsons who became a paladin.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:22 No.15703668

    Yeah, humans, wizards and dragons, the holy trinity when it comes to screwing stuff.

    Had a friend when young, a human halfdragon, child prodigy and all that, learned his first circle at age eight.

    Then at thirteen, puberty got him and he just spontaneously combusted.

    Sure there was rumors about this magic device he had studied but my theory is that all that sexual energy accumulated by his heritage and choice of profession took him out.
    >> Arthur, Canadian Githyanki 07/25/11(Mon)21:22 No.15703673
    Oh, and what do you do if you're prosecuting an innocent person? Do you just give up? I swear, the court system is a joke ever since psions and illithids got involved. I don't see why they don't just pay a bunch of you to sit in a room with the defendant and write down everything he's thinking.
    >> An Entirely Different Lich 07/25/11(Mon)21:23 No.15703676
    Faithful Pelorites are protected from more mundane forms of undeath, mainly because you'll be consumed in holy fire should you turn, so that bit of information narrows it down considerably. There's an outside chance you're a revenant, but I think it's far more likely that this is a bit of illusion magic. I'd wait for a while to see if it wears off, first, call it fourty-eight hours, and if symptoms persist, I'd call up your wizard.
    >> Lokor Kurnak 07/25/11(Mon)21:24 No.15703688
    Honestly, what you goblins need is a good few corridors going in and out of your districts. I'm talking repeating automatics pointed at about four feet above ground, repeating magic dispelling blasts of energy that trigger on spellcasting, and spinning blades that will leave your intruders disarmed.


    Worried about the money? No problem! We here at Kurnak, Kurnak and Mukern have a wide arrangement of payment plans for any size group, and specially tailored for modern people in need of automated protection.

    If you're worried about being discriminated against, I assure you our customer service members are all highly-trained linguists, ready to speak to you in your native tongue without the artificial clunkiness of translation magic. We can work with customers of any size category, of any location and any price range.

    And the best part is, repairs are free.

    So, I will be here if you have any questions regarding the specifics of our products.
    >> Bob, Grand-Nephew of Bhaal 07/25/11(Mon)21:24 No.15703690

    She worshiped Mask for a while in her teenage years. Even though I worship Lathander, I didn't see the harm in stealing from evil folks, so we mainly confined our thieving to cults of the Far Realms.

    Then she got killed, and rose. Still looks the same - a bit grey, but she was pale to begin with. And most surprisingly, she's hornier than ever. I guess being infused with death magic makes you hungry for the stuff of life.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:24 No.15703702
    I heard. I heard. Mostly thanks to the internet. I'd offer to help do something about it, but the naga are on my ass enough as is.

    I'm considering emigrating. Perhaps off to Canada, or even China. China, as I recall, actually welcomes necromancers as we can help them bolster their workforce..
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:25 No.15703720

    Because then we'd have psions and illithids alone dispensing justice.

    Well okay, the psions I'd be fine with.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:26 No.15703730
    >liches, liches everywhere

    So this is what you do when you turn immortal.

    You talk race politics on 4chan.

    I dunno, somehow I imagined you'd do... more grand things.
    >> BDSM Cat 07/25/11(Mon)21:26 No.15703737
    Well, that certainly helps. Thanks! Don't get why liches get such a bad rap... you guys are great when it comes to stuff like this.
    Fucking shill. You guys get that lawsuit over the thirty or so army deaths that you caused with your shitty hardware settled yet?
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:26 No.15703739
    This thread, Gordon. This FUCKING thread. THIS is why I told you to leave matters alone.

    "Oh, just ONE more adjustment to the Hadron Collider," you said. "What could possibly go wrong," you said.

    Now the world looks like some drunk deity shat out the collected works of Tolkien mixed with every nerd sourcebook ever printed onto our lovely little blue and green sphere!

    Oh, I fucking bet you're real goddamn happy with that, aren't you Gordon, you fucking D&D playing mouthbreather! Well bully for you, living in your personal heaven, except for some reason now I'm a FUCKING GHOST!

    You pushed that goddamn button, everything explodes, looks like a goddamn acid trip, then I wake up looking down on my body. Not even in the same fucking lab, I think I'm in some fucking alley in Utica or someshit. "Aoskar Street"? What the fuck is that?!

    I know you troll 4chan all the fucking time, or whatever the fuck this place is called now, so you BETTER damn read this!

    Look. Go get my body to a wizard or a temple or something. This being disembodied thing really, REALLY sucks.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:27 No.15703742
    Well as a wizard iv worked extensively in sculpting of flesh, how do you think I got this sweet body? I used to be fat but I sculpted that shit into muscle. Took awhile but worth it. Raised my confidence up you know?

    Thanks man, see this is the little stuff you need to know when working with liches that I don't know. Do you know about the Discretionary Security Solutions? Its a near all wizard/lich company that does primarily "security" work in developing countries that the army goes into. It does have a sizable fighter contingent for cllose security. Can't wait to work for him
    >> Anonymous Lich 07/25/11(Mon)21:27 No.15703748
    Hey, hey. Some of us are simple teachers, I've been one for 462 years now.
    >> An Entirely Different Lich 07/25/11(Mon)21:28 No.15703763
    That's just the thing. We have all the time in the world, so why not spend some of it talking race politics on 4chan, especially, as you so kindly pointed out, that a lot of us are actually liches. Besides, it keeps some of the more reclusive liches actually practicing some form of social interaction, blunted as it might be. It's better than sitting alone in a tower for eons with no contact at all, at any rate.
    >> Arthur, Canadian Githyanki 07/25/11(Mon)21:28 No.15703764
    Canada's way more accepting of Necromancers as far as the population goes, but there are tons of restrictions on magic in general. Large anti-magic lobby, combined with a big government that's concerned with helping everyone. If you're a legitimate magi, you should have no trouble. Hell, you can even get a high-paying cushy government job. But if you're not, then you can get into BIG trouble. And if you're unregistered? You're fucked the moment a police officer sees you so much as prestidigitate.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:29 No.15703785
    Please Lathander, let this be archived.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:30 No.15703793
    Don't sell teaching short, that's a noble cause to give a few hundred years to.

    Liches, bro tier the bunch of them. Well, that Lord Baron seems like kind of a douche. End of the bell curve.
    >> Bob, Grand-Nephew of Bhaal 07/25/11(Mon)21:31 No.15703799

    I was thinking about making a system that takes place in a setting like this thread. The copyrighted names would have to be changed, but it'd be a modern fantasy game.
    >> Jack McMindflayer 07/25/11(Mon)21:32 No.15703808
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    >What do you do when the defendant's innocent?

    Lie, of course. Half-heartedly, most of the time. And if the defendant's lawyer is an illithid, I generally lose right then and there. Lich lawyers, however, aren't as good at picking up my thoughts. Spell resistance and psionics makes it hard for them to read me.

    To tell you the truth, I've only had about 7 cases where the defendant was innocent. Lost six of them.

    >The justice system has become a joke

    No, it was a joke before we got involved. With us, the guilty are punished, and the innocent get off because they are innocent. We inserted truth into the courts, so that the justice humans are always spouting off at the mouth about gets served.

    But are we thanked for it? Never.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:33 No.15703812
    "stuff of life", huh? Is that what they're calling it these days?
    And hey, like the saying goes, it's not necrophilia if they're still moving.
    >> Mr. Dravko Broodkin 07/25/11(Mon)21:33 No.15703822
    I'm actually rather surprised that Liches take to the internet well. I figured the undead were fairly 'conservative' towards technology. Like dragons. Granddad nearly incinerated dad when he proposed setting up a website, and it took him half a decade to change his mind.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:34 No.15703832
    Other Rakshasa here, India's so much better at this sort of thing. Registration? Who cares! The government practically worships us since usually we better the villages we live near and pull international strings to better the area. So many worldwide corporations use the crappy village I live next to, it's a suburban area with a nice community now. And all for a couple of bodies and in my neighbour's case the use of a few corpses? Bargain.

    No, far better to just hire an assassin and keep it sweet over here. Sri Lanka's best, we practically run the entire country. And look at the good it's done! The people are happy and it's a major world provider of illusionary magic based toys and at the forefront of the study of necromancy! Pity I made a few... enemies there.
    >> Lord Baron Kyzard 07/25/11(Mon)21:34 No.15703833
    I know man. I'm not even trying. Always turned up chaotic evil when paladins screened me no matter what I did, so I thought, fuck it. Let's have fun with this shit.
    >> Arthur, Canadian Githyanki 07/25/11(Mon)21:35 No.15703837
    I agree with you. It just seems that the whole judge, jury, due process, etc is a waste of time now that every illithid I meet (always awkward, by the way. They expect me to draw a sword the moment I lay my eyes upon them, and I'm afraid every time a tentacle twitches) is a lawyer, and every lawyer I meet is either an illithid, psion, or lich.
    >> Tongue-of-Man 07/25/11(Mon)21:35 No.15703838
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    The little greens walk on two legs, like you, and still you tell of them with contempt. It is not hard to know why my kind are still shown as animals. Hunted in places. Few of us speak.

    Ranchers with their guns, ready when we hunger for horseflesh. And yet I will not be given a seat at the IHOP. I am not responsible for tiny, small booths.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:35 No.15703840
    Lichdom is all about the pursuit of knowledge and learning, so why wouldn't technology be part of that?

    Dragons, on the other hand, are just stubborn fucks.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:35 No.15703842
    Fuck my internet.

    Bitch, I'm a sanitary officing engineer. I keep these damn streets clean, bro, all under the cover of night!

    At least I'm not pink.
    >> Bob, Grand-Nephew of Bhaal 07/25/11(Mon)21:36 No.15703853

    Believe me, I know it's fucked up. Even when she was alive, it was fucked up. But I figure that if people are going to treat me like I'm some sort of perverted monster because my ancestry started with an evil outsider, I may as well play the part.
    >> Mr. Dravko Broodkin 07/25/11(Mon)21:38 No.15703866
    Which is one of the reasons why my Grandfather is one of the chief advisers to the King of Saudi Arabia and a billionaire.
    >> An Entirely Different Lich 07/25/11(Mon)21:39 No.15703880
    Well, some of us do, at any rate. You hear stories every one in a while of archeologists busting open some ancient tomb, only to find a lich studying there. News doesn't travel when you're in a library at the bottom of a dark hole, so a lot of liches who kept up with society decided that the internet was a good way to keep in touch. Hell, we practically funded the damn thing through the universities, so it's no surprise that we use it when we can.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:40 No.15703885
    Which is bullshit in itself... so one of your great-great-great-whatevers knocked boots with an infernal entity, big deal. You don't punish the child for the sins of the father, I say.
    >> Anonymous Lich 07/25/11(Mon)21:40 No.15703888
    By the way, can anyone recommend me a good, relatively intact graveyard where no one will miss a few corpses?
    >> Arthur, Canadian Githyanki 07/25/11(Mon)21:41 No.15703898
    While I get your aversion to registration, I also know that it's important to make sure that magic isn't abused. I registered recently, even after being unregistered for a couple years, and I was lucky enough for the probation to be waived. If you came to Canada, registered within the first two months of landing, and didn't get caught using your magic illegitimately, you can live really well, and quite freely.
    >> Jack McMindflayer 07/25/11(Mon)21:41 No.15703899

    It is a shame that we're squeezing most of the human lawyers out of the business, but its for the better.

    With us, the system actually works. Those who deserve to be punished are punished, no exception.

    As for the tentacle twitch thing, we really, really can't help it. Githyanki and Githzerai are send off "danger" warnings on a chemical level. It comes from our racial memory of the Future-past empire. Most of us don't want to actually act on those impulses.
    >> Mr. Dravko Broodkin 07/25/11(Mon)21:43 No.15703914
    I can appreciate that. Better use of money than another jewel hoard like Granddad. Dad keeps telling him that the stock market is a better investment, but Granddad just shakes him off because he worries about losing his investment.

    He so very smug when the stockmarket hit the toilet in 2008.
    >> Lokor Kurnak 07/25/11(Mon)21:44 No.15703922
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    I can assure you that our hardware is of the highest quality. I still have my great-great-grandfather's (see pic) crossbow trap up at the office, and the thing can fire flawlessly to this day. Perhaps if you'd read the news- But ah, I see from your title you're busy using my other brother, Taldak Kurnak's products. It's not a lot of trouble, perhaps this will set the record straight.

    Naturally, our job is merely to construct, install, and place automated defenses. Maintaining them is outside the scope of our company, as we'd need to have a kobold at over 3,000 locations. However, we do provide instructions on how to maintain our products, and have contact with several groups of men and women trained to do exactly that, information which we pass on to our customers.

    Let me repeat myself: The tragedy at the Regdar Johnson military base was a terrible accident. But one that could have been prevented. My brother, Yurt Kurnak was on the scene as they pulled one man out of the grinders, one of several that appeared to have been triggered "by itself". Indeed, as the media continued to say, our hardware had simply broken down. To an extent, this is true. However, not without continual use would most of those products suffer any sort of breakdown. Our researchers, after dismantling the traps, discovered an undue amount of wear and tear on the triggers, as well as the mechanics of the systems. Such damage was consistent with new blood setting on a trap for years at a time, which was odd considering we had installed them only four months ago. Normal humanoid blood simply isn't as acidic. However, we did find a chemical consistent with black dragon's blood and bile across the gears.

    Thus, it has become obvious that proper maintenance was not kept with our product's use, and thus the accidental deaths of the thirty fine young men and women in that base are covered under our policy against gross negligence of product.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:45 No.15703925
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    Hey, how did you get to be a lich? On the backs of the common people! Who did the grunt work, hmm? Who mined the gold that you /stole/ and then /hoarded/ so you could buy the expensive materials for your fellak-torrie or whatever? I tell you who it /wasn't/, it /wasn't/ a lich! And you know what? When was the last time the goblins made a real living, hmm? All I ever see is the raping and the pillaging. Who ever heard of goblin farms, hmm? And you can make your speeches about not being evil, and getting along, and being the mistreated. But the first evil overlord that asks and you all just jump right on board with his evil scheme and start trying to subjugate everyone else. No goblin ever volunteers to fight /against/ him, now do they?

    And don't even get me started on Orcs! You think half-orcs exist because a /human/ forces himself on an /orc/? Ha! That'll be the day. At least the drow /do/ something with their lives, even if they are emo hipster assholes.
    >> An Entirely Different Lich 07/25/11(Mon)21:45 No.15703929

    It's actually a bit better for necromancers in the U.S., mind, if only because a good portion of the Justice System is undead. If you keep your nose clean and buy your corpses from legal vendors, it works out pretty well. Legally, though, you're responsible for the actions of any undead you create, so you'll want to keep them on a tight leash.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:45 No.15703935
    You D-bees wont have to worry about freedom much longer.
    >> Arthur, Canadian Githyanki 07/25/11(Mon)21:46 No.15703939
    >Those who deserve to be punished are punished, no exception.
    And sometimes, those who DON'T deserve to be punished are punished, as you said. I'm just saying that being forced to prosecute someone you know is innocent means that there's still something wrong with the justice system.

    And I know you're not going to jump across the table and eat my brains, it's just...my dad was from another generation, and being the product of my environment, I've kind of grown into wariness. I used to be deadly afraid and angry at illithids, so at least I've improved. I'm just glad there are some of you that don't think all gith are scum because we used to hate you during planar race wars eons ago. Trust me, the gith community here and everywhere I've been that isn't Detroit or some shit is very accepting and open. My dad had never seen so many zerai and yanki in the same building not killing each other.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:46 No.15703946
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    >capcha ate my image
    >> Bob, Grand-Nephew of Bhaal 07/25/11(Mon)21:47 No.15703949


    But I'd be lying if I said that even if I wasn't a tiefling, I wouldn't feed my sister this way. It's more enjoyable than having pieces of your soul torn out of you through your mouth, and the act of lovemaking makes it easier to replenish your life force afterward.

    I've made something of a study of the soul, although my practices are somewhat gruesome.
    >> BDSM Cat 07/25/11(Mon)21:48 No.15703953
    What the hell is this D-bees stuff? Are you a Neo-Nazi or something?

    Look, give it up. You lost.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:49 No.15703974
    Devil here, enjoy paying for the system which eventually just ends up paying me my bi-centuanial salary both in platinum and soul sacrufices
    >> Arthur, Canadian Githyanki 07/25/11(Mon)21:49 No.15703975
    >You think half-orcs exist because a /human/ forces himself on an /orc/? Ha! That'll be the day.

    Half-orcs also exist because of loving relationships between humans and orcs. But I guess a racist piece of shit like you wouldn't be able to see that, would you? That's why I'm still living in Canada. Because almost no one is like you.
    >> Mr. Dravko Broodkin 07/25/11(Mon)21:50 No.15703985
    As a halfdragon I am an expert on hoarding, and I can tell you that Liches are not that terrible when it come so snatching wealth. Now my granddad did always warn me never to let a lich even hear I have something magical because he'd steal it, but when it comes to wealth they usually give not a single shit.

    And while you insult goblinoids for taking advantage of opportunities offered by 'overlords' I can tell you that my predecessors made significant progress with their aid. Few of your nations would exist if not for being civilized by my forefathers.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:50 No.15703987
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    Stupid fucking D-bee doesn't even know the language.
    Not that you will be alive much longer.
    >> Anonymous Lich 07/25/11(Mon)21:50 No.15703988
    Russia is apparently an excellent place for liches, provided you're rich enough. But I think I'll pass, it's not really a place for me.

    But apparently, there's this lich who sits around with minions from WWII.
    >> Mr. Dravko Broodkin 07/25/11(Mon)21:51 No.15703996
    Ugh, I sound like my grandfather.
    >> Arthur, Canadian Githyanki 07/25/11(Mon)21:52 No.15704007
    Oh, I get it. I think they're a cult.
    >> An Entirely Different Lich 07/25/11(Mon)21:53 No.15704013
    That bit about magic started with a grain of truth, mind you. We don't really care about non-magical wealth, because we don't need any of life's luxuries any more, and quite a few of us can magic wealth into existence besides, but magic? Magic takes effort. Magic takes skill. There's a lot more that goes into making a magic item than wealth, so it's one of the few physical things that all liches value.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:53 No.15704022
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    >mfw D-Bee is actually on Urban Dictionary
    >> BDSM Cat 07/25/11(Mon)21:54 No.15704028
    I'm human, dumbass. ... Well, probably human, don't know right now.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:55 No.15704037
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    Cults don't rules large portions of land mass soon to be lobotomized slave.
    Long live the Coalition.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:55 No.15704038
    Well fuck me, so it is.
    >> Dr. Jeffery Chillingworth !!iOU83IVR3bM 07/25/11(Mon)21:55 No.15704041
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    rolled 2, 12, 5, 8 = 27

    Half-Elf Bard here. Do you know how often I'm treated like a douche for no fucking reason? I pay my guild stipend, I pay taxes, yet every time I walk into a human city without undisguised I'm treated like an ELITIST PRICK PIG DISGUSTING ELF and everytime I go to an elf city I'm treated like a fucking race traitor.

    I just want to fuck bitches, smoke weed, and play my guitar, not start a race war. It's not my fault my dad fucked her.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:57 No.15704054
    Which is why my uncle is rolling in money. I swear, liches are like crows for magic shit.

    Sure, you can get dwarf made and have it last a thousand lifetimes, but how often do you get a dwarf made orrey that is made by a master runesmith?

    Everyone wants an original Hrothgar.
    >> Tongue-of-Man 07/25/11(Mon)21:57 No.15704056

    You wear skull, like is inside you. You wear black. Inside you too, on heart?
    >> Jack McMindflayer 07/25/11(Mon)21:58 No.15704068
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    Oh boy, a fanatical cult spouting off the evils of nonhumans and planning to rule over all of us with an iron fist.

    Never seen/prosecuted that before.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)21:59 No.15704079
    The first time you try to kill a D-Bee with any sort of mystical or psionic power you are going to get your ass kicked. Not to mention the sheer number of us, and non-dimensional beings willing to fight with us.
    >> Anonymous Lich 07/25/11(Mon)22:00 No.15704083
    A Hrothgar you say? Do you have one?
    >> Mr. Dravko Broodkin 07/25/11(Mon)22:00 No.15704087
    Its the real reason Liches are killed on sight in the Middle East. The religious bit is just rabble rousing bull put out by the Blue dragons that control the region. Ever since the Sapphire Sultan in Mecca had his crown snatched because it had all the demigods of the old polytheistic arabic religions in the region sealed in it by a demilich everyone has been incredibly paranoid. And with good reason, since the fucker stole the symbol of his ancient rule over the entire area!

    I hear their still searching for the bastard, and may whatever powers he worships save him once they do.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)22:00 No.15704092
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    >implying you will be allowed to live regardless of "race"
    I'm sure you're children will make good dogboys.
    Better yet take a little trip to Seattle.
    Duty calls.
    Ill see all you scum on the front line.
    >> Alpharius 07/25/11(Mon)22:03 No.15704114
    Sorry, Broodkin, but he's a Demlich. Those guys can rival demigods in their magical potency, so he's a bit beyond most mortal dragons. The Sapphire Sultan won't probably ever get his crown back.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)22:03 No.15704118
    Gordon, now there are dudes in power armor with more skulls than a Khornate poking around the alley where my body is stashed.

    Hurry your ass up! This is getting weird even for me, and I'm a bodiless entity currently inhabiting a library computer, for fuck's sake!
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)22:04 No.15704130
    Uranium bullets wreck psi powers and magic being bullshittery.
    Doesn't even take a few pop shots to take down a dragon
    Enjoy you're slow death.
    >> Mr. Dravko Broodkin 07/25/11(Mon)22:05 No.15704134
    Also you know what sucks? Typing on a keyboard made for humans with fucking claws. And the only alternative costs out the ass! The only way I could ever pay for it is if I begged Father for money, and that killed any sense of self respect I've got.

    And yeesh, I cannot imagine how hard it is for halfdragons whose sire is dead. Not having any family support in a this world would be unbearable.

    Never thought of that before. How depressing.
    >> Mr. Dravko Broodkin 07/25/11(Mon)22:08 No.15704163
    Rods of antimagic solve many problems when on side is a pile of mobile bones and the other is a dragon.

    On the other hand, even then I agree, given that using one would require both finding him AND surprising him, and both events are very very unlikely.

    Still, by all the shit of Tiamat, he stole the most holy artifact in the whole hemisphere, and basically pissed on the Prophet and His Dragon. Some individuals have no respect for religion.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)22:09 No.15704175
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    You know, this thread is probably the only thing that could make this book interesting. I'm half-tempted to try running it now.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)22:11 No.15704192
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    ...Pic related.

    Fuckin' archived. And just in the nick of time, too.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)22:12 No.15704195
    My uncle IS Pietr Hrothgar of Hrothgar and Sons, 16th generation runesmith. You want his Gmail? The wait list is about 10 years, but I guess that's not much of a problem for a Lich.
    >> Jack McMindflayer 07/25/11(Mon)22:12 No.15704199
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    >Uranium bullets wreck psi-powers

    This is what humans actually believe

    >You're slow death

    Rednecks, the lot of you.
    >> Anonymous Lich 07/25/11(Mon)22:16 No.15704243
    All of my 17th century dubloons! Have them, but give me the gmail.
    >> BDSM Cat 07/25/11(Mon)22:18 No.15704268
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    >Implying you have enough plutonium to even fuel your dumbass schemes for world domination
    >Implying that you'll be out of jail by this time next year
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)22:19 No.15704270
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    Atlantean wanna be
    >> Tongue-of-Man 07/25/11(Mon)22:20 No.15704283

    Typing, hard. Sometimes have to hit the space-bar with point of beak, and crack it. Space-bar, not beak.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)22:23 No.15704289
    Ten years for a lich is like, what, a week or three in mortal measure?
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)22:24 No.15704311

    or you can get him on SpellConnect


    You'd have to talk with him about details on the commission, I honestly don't know the exact details.
    >> Mr. Dravko Broodkin 07/25/11(Mon)22:25 No.15704316
    And if you ask someone for a replacement board they always get angry. I've been banned from many internet cafes.
    >> Mr. Dravko Broodkin 07/25/11(Mon)22:26 No.15704323
    And if you ask someone for a replacement board they always get angry. I've been banned from many internet cafes for just that.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)22:26 No.15704325
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    >implying any of you will survive
    If the coalition doesn't kill you then the xiticix will.
    >> Alpharius 07/25/11(Mon)22:27 No.15704342
    Hmm. I suppose I have a few souls sitting on the back shelf that I hardly ever use any more. Do you know if your uncle accepts souls as payment, by any chance? If not, I'm sure we can work something else out.
    >> Lokor Kurnak 07/25/11(Mon)22:27 No.15704349

    Tell me about it. Normally kobolds don't complain about a little dragon's blood in the lineage, but these buttons wear out faster than you would believe. My current set is adamantine and it feels sooo smooth.
    >> Tongue-of-Man 07/25/11(Mon)22:30 No.15704377

    Yes! Cafes do not want me in. I get angry, sometimes my wings spread. Cannot help it. Knock things over, men stare. I have to leave. Very disheartening.


    Black/Skulls and bug-people kill each other, first.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)22:32 No.15704393
    Pretty sure he doesn't, but I know Skalagrimmson does, if you like things that are heavy like that. I don't have his info, though.

    Honestly, my uncle is kinda miffed at me that I turned down an apprenticeship so that I could work for Durin & Deekin Securities.
    >> Sivaeris the Erinyes 07/25/11(Mon)22:32 No.15704394
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    Erinyes here. I have wings too, but can type on a standard keyboard just fine. How does it feel having totally useless hands?
    >> Mr. Dravko Broodkin 07/25/11(Mon)22:34 No.15704413
    Those sound really really nice. I've made a decent life here but sometimes I miss the silk cushions and adamantium handles on everything back home. I really really miss the enchanted bedsheets. I go through two-three sets of sheets a month! I didn't even get the ability to fly like some of my kin.

    Oh well, at least I can still breath lightning. I fear no brown out, which is handy where I live.
    >> Mr. Dravko Broodkin 07/25/11(Mon)22:35 No.15704432
    How does it feel not being able to breath lightning or use the subway without pissing people off?
    >> Sivaeris the Erinyes 07/25/11(Mon)22:39 No.15704472
    Bite me, mutt. Your kind is abominable.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)22:40 No.15704483
    Oh, I give all the respect to dragons that they deserve. Besides, dragons can eat me. But you know what, I give respect to the /metallic/ dragons. Who ever heard of a white dragon doing anyone a favor? Half-white-dragons, I got no beef with you if you don't take after your reptilian parent, though.

    Yeah, /some/ of them. But I know this guy, Homer Half-Orc, and he wasn't so lucky. Half-orcs are good people, hard workers, I got no problem with them. Homer's a great guy, even if he can't sing for shit. But he went to find his dad, you know, see what the Orc side was really like, and when he got back he told me his dad was a real bastard, nearly ate him just for being /part/ human. Said he was too scrawny. Said he just "liked how them human bitches squeal". Yeah, right, I'll believe a nice Orc when I see it.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)22:43 No.15704520
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    Amen bro
    What's that thing sci fi dumbasses say on the webs?
    Oh right
    >> Mr. Dravko Broodkin 07/25/11(Mon)22:44 No.15704530
    Blue half dragon. Blue. Like the color. Not white. As you can tell by the fact that I'm not drooling something about wanting to "Eat lil'meaty thing if it not bring me shinies!". I'm a highly trained accountant, and one of Laeversis's grandchildren, and thus of the brood that rules Arabia.

    Not some retarded inbred Alaskan White who mistakes cars for caribou.
    >> Lokor Kurnak 07/25/11(Mon)22:45 No.15704544

    Well, I might be able to send you to my custom work suppliers. Of course, if you'd like a bit of extra coin on the side, we always pay top for elemental lightning.

    Enchanted sheets, hmm? I wouldn't use those. My grandfather enchanted a few sets back in the day to smother the people using it. Problem was, he never got to recover them after the job was done, so they're still out there somewhere.
    >> Tongue-of-Man 07/25/11(Mon)22:45 No.15704552

    I do not understand.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)22:47 No.15704568
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    Not all orcs are assholes. Guy I know, as pureblooded an orc as any other child of Gruumsh, and what's he do for a living? Not warlord or horde-captain or anything like that, he's a freaking arts-and-antiquities dealer, and is freaking loaded. And not only that, he's one of the most cultured and well-spoken gentlemen I've ever had the pride of meeting. More that once he's had some haughty elf or cocksure dwarf who thought they knew everything about orcs, thinking they could pull a fast one by tricking the "stupid orc" into buying overpriced trash, only to slink away shamefaced as he verbally mutilated them by pointing out and shooting down every trick they tried to pull on him... and all while keeping calm while THEY were the ones raging! Funny as hell!

    Pic related, it's my orc appraiser bro, inspecting some antiques for a client.
    >> Lokor Kurnak 07/25/11(Mon)22:48 No.15704583

    I wouldn't give any respect to the metallics if I could help it. Did you hear about that huge slave ring they uncovered a couple of years ago in Africa? Well, they said it was a dragon heading it, but note how they never specify what kind...

    It was a gold.

    That's right, the paragons of morality are deep in the slave trades. Really makes you wonder who you share airspace with while you're on a plane over Egypt.
    >> Mr. Dravko Broodkin 07/25/11(Mon)22:49 No.15704592
    I am looking for work, and it'd be nice to work with someone that understands that I have few facial muscles and thus cannot smile in a way that isn't incredibly threatening.

    And uh, this is a bit awkward, but no, I'm not of the sort that looks down on kobolds as servants. You're people just like me.
    >> Mr. Dravko Broodkin 07/25/11(Mon)22:53 No.15704629
    Fun thing I heard was that the only reason that metallics and chromatics are differentiated is that humanoid flesh in large quantities makes Metals sick, so they got a reputation early on as the ones that didn't eat villages, and it stuck even when most chromatics stopped that. 'course I hear it from a green, but he was a dracolich and they tend to be less bias, simply because of the whole drive for knowledge bit.
    >> Lokor Kurnak 07/25/11(Mon)22:58 No.15704675

    Not to worry, you'd be surprised at the amount who come directly into our office expecting a bunch of yipping, dirty savages and go out with a new outlook on the people as a whole.

    I mean, the stereotype could at least make fun of those of us without severe speech impediments.

    No, I can assure you that we have not worked under a dragon since before the company's founding. And, shortly after he was stiffed, good old great great grandpa was working under the dragon again. Building the largest number of automated spear traps rigged to a weight pressure sensor I've ever had the pleasure of seeing the plans for. The wall he carved them on is still in our basement.

    While it's true, some of the dragons may seem a bit expectant that we'll concede to their demands, we haven't had to demonstrate for one yet.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)22:59 No.15704685
    I'd heard that in the case of White dragons, humanoids were a dietary requirement- ever since they were legally forced to stop eating us, they've gotten dumber.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)23:03 No.15704729
    I was the first Lich, everyone quit copying me

    make the post



    fourchan do the post

    enter post fourchan

    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)23:04 No.15704732

    Fuck dragons.

    Right, right, I get it. High and mighty elf? Meet something higher and mightier. Yes, yes, I've heard it all before. I'll even admit I have acted like a bit of a tool to some other humanoids, alright? I'm sorry.

    My sister- My lovely little sister who's barely a century- has currently taken up with someone who claims to be a dragon. What the hell am I supposed to do? SHE thinks he's the best thing in the world- He's rich, mysterious, and so on.

    Meanwhile, he treats her like a glorified call-girl. Sure, he seems to have some affection for her, but how long is that going to last? Is he going to end up killing her in a fit of rage because he thinks she's cheating on him? (As if he doesn't cheat on her.) Is he going to keep her around as his mortal mistress because he can? Maybe he's going to piss off the wrong one of his peers and get him and everyone near him killed as part of a vendetta? What the hell do I do?!

    Of course, she loves him. Thinks he's the best thing ever, thinks he loves her and her alone... It's sickening. To all you humans who have had to put up with this from elves, I pity you, and am suddenly more sympathetic than I ever new was possible.

    What in the hells can I do? Is he going to knock her up and dump her or end up deciding she belongs to him, and is part of his hoard?

    Please. Help.
    >> Mr. Dravko Broodkin 07/25/11(Mon)23:04 No.15704737
    That kind of independence is something I can definitely respect, given that it is the same thing I came to America for, though obviously you've had it rather rougher. Still, the industriousness is the sort of thing that this country was founded on (I'm told). There is a reason dragons like kobolds, after all. Grandfather, despite his nature, always said that if you wanted something done you had it done by humans, but if you wanted it done faster and better you got kobolds.
    >> Mr. Dravko Broodkin 07/25/11(Mon)23:11 No.15704794
    Nope. They've always been dumb as rocks. Grandfather managed to trick one that wanted his hoard by painting a bunch of rocks gold and giving them to it. Thing took them and wandered off feeling smug. I think he felt rather bad for the stupid thing. And that was fifteen hundred years ago!

    Depends. Some breeds mate for life, some for just a while. Either way kids are rarely a concern given how many full blood dragons amass, so they tend to stay until they get bored, which takes a long damn time mostly. If he was one of the more antisocial sorts I'd be worried, but given that he courted her rather than just snatching her or getting her drunk and having his way, I think it should be fine.

    If not you're fucked proper though. Can't do much in those sorts of situations. It isn't a illegal to be a prick (and if it was dragons would eat the person that made the law).
    >> Mr. Dravko Broodkin 07/25/11(Mon)23:17 No.15704837
    Oh, and most dragons don't give a shit about 'adultery', as long as she 'belongs', in the romantic sense, to them still. As for vendettas, that IS a serious concern, since most dragons that feud tend to view humans and other bipeds as excellent targets, especially when they cannot strike against an enemy directly. Still, I suggest you just stop worrying unless you have a lich or being of similar power on speed dial, because there isn't a thing you can do that won't get you killed.
    >> Lokor Kurnak 07/25/11(Mon)23:18 No.15704847

    We do try to live up to our positive reputation. When my grandfather came over here from Germany he didn't speak a word of English. But, he was a good kobold. Raised seventeen kids and kept a secure household.

    Overall, I'd say I haven't had it bad. I did lose a leg back when I was a trap consultant in the Russo-Chinese war, but plenty of others lost a whole lot more. That and I had a nice warm house waiting for me when I came back home.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)23:20 No.15704868
    That's part of why I'm worried. I think he's either blue or black, neither of which is encouraging. (Can't say for certain, though.)

    And while he seems to be... 'courting' her, I guess, though that mostly involves throwing a hell of a lot of money around- He might be trying to intimidate me with that too. And it's succeeding- So far, he's had the decency not to pay her directly, but he's been throwing around a bare minimum of a thousand whenever they see each other, usually much more. Much, much more.

    I don't know what to do. I mean, so far it's been.. well, hardly ordinary, but he seems to have had some shred of decency in his scaley soul. I just- I don't know. I'm afraid that he's going to get impatient one night, turn on the 'be in awe' effect you always hear about, and she's suddenly not going to be a virgin anymore.

    I mean, assuming he hasn't done that already. He seems the type that might try it.
    >> Mr. Dravko Broodkin 07/25/11(Mon)23:31 No.15704957
    Black is pretty easy to identify (the typical sort anyway). If he lives in a filthy swamplike apartment/area that smells of decay and death, and eats nothing but rotten food then he is a black.

    If he likes the heat high and low humidity and lives like an actual civilized person then he is a blue, assuming those are the only two kinds he could be.

    If he is an atypical dragon, then identifying him is much harder.

    Given that he is effectively paying for her he is likely a blue, and well, that is good and bad. Good, because he is not very likely to eat her. Bad, because he is definitely gonna treat her like a toy. Good because he is less likely to have the sort of enemies that would kill her, bad because he's likely to be used to getting his way and will get angry when he doesn't. Very bad, because he will likely get annoyed if you interfere, good because he is not likely to treat her as his personal possession. Which is to say that he won't kidnap her when he leaves the area, though he might dump her like a used rag.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)23:32 No.15704975
    Just rumors. At least, in my experience, it was all the chromatics giving us problems. No Acient ones, mind, our village wasn't near anything important for that. But we had a black dragon giving us crap, eating our sheep and whatnot. Finally got up the nerve to eat a kid, and we'd had it. It was a copper dragon what got rid of the bastard for us.

    No shit! Last I heard it was a red with help from some minor deity. Only gold dragon involved was some poor same that got Geas'd.

    Don't know no blues, don't have no beef. Haven't heard good things, but if you says you're good, I'll take you for your word.

    Now, the folks that have it the worst are the werethings. I met a girl named Anita, once. Sweet thing, catfolk girl, liked to read (mind, don't leave her alone with a stack o' books or you're likely never to see them again). She got bit by a werewolf and ever since then townies been giving her shit. She up and left to a different dimension even. Got a great bar though up in Haxburg when she came back, though, called the Furry Blue Lizard. She lets all kinds of people in there, don't discriminate against anyone. But if cause trouble, she's not one to mess with, and I ain't seen no goblin or orc go a day without causing a fuss.
    >> Lokor Kurnak 07/25/11(Mon)23:39 No.15705025

    Well if you're in the market for some home security, we are doing a sale on oversized weapon traps. Buying in bulk can get you 25% off the whole order, plus only half cost for installation!

    The "dragonkiller" (Note: we do not condone the use of our products to kill or inflict pain on any one specific race, the name is simply advertising material) lances are a particularly fine sell. In fact, if it is a blue you're dealing with, we have acid or flame injection systems that come along with the burnished steel spikes in this fine set, the hollow points capable of penetrating any scales under Class D.

    Of course, if you want something to ensure he'll stay away for a long time, there is the acid mace spray, though I suggest wearing a mask while the trap is armed to prevent accidental exposure.
    >> Anonymous 07/25/11(Mon)23:40 No.15705039
    What is with the stereotyping, bro? Orcs and gobs ain't all troublemakers, y'know. Yeah, a lot are bad seeds, but far from all of 'em.

    Like this guy - would you call him a troublemaker, or be reluctant to serve him because he was an orc?
    >> Mr. Dravko Broodkin 07/25/11(Mon)23:42 No.15705065
    I'll be honest when I say that most blues are arrogant vicious bastards. The thing that sets us apart from the rest is that we know the other races better. We know the profit that can be made from integrating and working with you, and not eating your livestock and children. We are the kings of the deserts, not petty predators. Mutually beneficial relationships are beautiful things. And we tend to be more isolationist than the others, so we are less irritating. Only thing that caught us off guard was democracy, and that is also the only reason you hear people fucking praising reds nowadays. In short we are still pricks but we are work with or over you, instead of eating you.

    So goes the wisdom at the Royal Blue Academy in Medina, anyway.
    >> Mr. Dravko Broodkin 07/25/11(Mon)23:44 No.15705079
    I'll be honest when I say that most blues are arrogant vicious bastards. The thing that sets us apart from the rest is that we know the other races better. We know the profit that can be made from integrating and working with you, and not eating your livestock and children. We are the kings of the deserts, not petty predators. Mutually beneficial relationships are beautiful things. And we tend to be more isolationist than the others, so we are less irritating. Only thing that caught us off guard was democracy, and that is also the only reason you hear people fucking praising reds nowadays. In short we are still pricks but we are work with or over you, instead of eating you.

    So goes the wisdom at the Royal Blue Academy in Medina, anyway. And the problem with metallics is that ultimately they are still fucking dragons and thus view you as prey. They just think you are amusing.
    >> Lokor Kurnak 07/25/11(Mon)23:45 No.15705083

    See, that's what they tell you, that he was geased. I'm sure they took the geas off that boy, but I'm fairly sure that it was to pay the proceeds of sale to his family. They found so little money during that bust you'd think he'd started eating it.

    The red was likely a second in command or a fall guy. Though aside from them sharing space I hadn't heard of the two working together before. Though, reds tend to work with just about everybody.

    We have an adult red on contract who gives us his concentrated breath for a lot of our traps. Though, let me tell you, he doesn't come cheap. Always timely, though. He had a lava pool put in by us just a couple of months ago. Thought he wanted some home security, turns out he just wanted somewhere that reminded him of his old house. Real sweet guy unless you're talking about money.
    >> Mr. Dravko Broodkin 07/25/11(Mon)23:46 No.15705087
    >> Lich Lord Joris 07/25/11(Mon)23:56 No.15705192
    Lokar, does your company have any traps that would be well suited to an orbital facility? I've been funding a research station dedicated to studies on undead in space and I could use some security to help keep some rivals I have from breaking in. I've invested my fortune in a variety of different mediums, so merely name your favored method of payment and I would be happy to do business with you.
    >> Anonymous 07/26/11(Tue)00:03 No.15705248
    Durin & Deekin Securities does, though we typically stick to vaults and museums.

    Dwarf and Kobold designed, Dwarf and Kobold built.
    >> Lokor Kurnak 07/26/11(Tue)00:04 No.15705259

    We haven't done many contracts in a zero-gravity environment, but the majority of our traps should still work in such an environment.

    Now, are we talking with atmosphere or without? Because no atmosphere is going to require some funding for research.

    Oh, and we accept paper money or gold. Any alternatives negotiable.
    >> Lich Lord Joris 07/26/11(Tue)00:13 No.15705324
    No atmosphere I'm afraid. Lets my reanimated workers stay fresh for quite a while longer with no need for spell maintenance. That should give you a bit of freedom with traps though as you don't want to worry about the integrity of the facility as much as you would with an atmosphere involved.

    If you require any additional resources for research or locations to test in, I would be happy to provide them.

    I'll transfer some funds to your account as an upfront payment of good faith. Look forward to doing business with you!
    >> Lokor Kurnak 07/26/11(Tue)00:16 No.15705347

    Durin and Deekin? Ah, yes, I remember hearing about your predecessors. That wasn't the last trap duel my father participated in, but I assume with his eyes burned out by acid your father didn't make many more traps.
    >> Lokor Kurnak 07/26/11(Tue)00:18 No.15705368

    Thank you very much, master lich. I do have a few designs based around corrosive liquids that will work well in such an environment. I'm excited to begin testing soon.

    Would life-sensors work well for your needs, or are you expecting pre-death visitors?
    >> Lich Lord Joris 07/26/11(Tue)00:22 No.15705395
    I'm almost never sure what my rivals are going to send my way. Corrosive acids you say? I'm intrigued.

    I would like perhaps a front line trap system coordinated through a closed computer network, but with some physical only traps as a secondary system. Life sensors would be appreciated. I've been able to make the station almost impregnable via magical means but who knows what other methods are available.

    I'm eager to see your plans for the system. Let me know if you require a tour of the facility, I should be able to set up a temporary atmosphere for you.
    >> Lokor Kurnak 07/26/11(Tue)00:28 No.15705454

    Ah, yes, a tour or floor plans would be very helpful.

    And if you're interested in anti-spellcaster traps, I can assure you I have a number of trap systems that can take a spellcaster who thinks he's "safe" and make it the last thought in his mind. And the best part is, a large selection would work well in low pressure environments.
    >> Lich Lord Joris 07/26/11(Tue)00:31 No.15705480
    Excellent! I could have the station ready for a tour by next Thursday. Would that work for you?
    >> Lokor Kurnak 07/26/11(Tue)00:36 No.15705523

    Certainly, I can move my appointment with my prosthetist back a week to make time. Is the first time up into space really so bad on the heart, though? One of my consultants has a condition.
    >> Anonymous 07/26/11(Tue)00:42 No.15705575
    Everyone talks about the Kurnak-Deekin duel.

    Sure, Krol Deekin lost his eyes. Kurnak was the one who lost the contract, though- and, if my memory is correct, the reason why he immigrated to America. Probably because the client didn't want to risk burning out his eyes whenever he flushed his toilet.

    If I'm not mistaken, though, Kurnak, Kurnak and Mukern outsourced their lock designs to us. There is a reason why, in our 1,500 year history, NO Durin & Deekin vault has been breached.
    >> Lokor Kurnak 07/26/11(Tue)00:51 No.15705645

    So the reason my grandfather emigrated was because our traps worked on the wrong people? I think we showed whose designs work the best when the Czar Kolbolfen himself ran into his home, armed our traps and stayed safe, while twenty of the deadliest assassins in Russia were busy trying to escape from a rapidly filling room.

    We emigrated to America because we were being asked to develop offensive traps for the military, something my grandfather refused to do, and he refused to give them the chance at having the things.

    You do know that your locks aren't actually impenetrable, right? I mean, a good shatter on an unenchanted lock will bypass it every time. No one has bypassed your locks because no one has gotten past OUR traps.
    >> Lich Lord Joris 07/26/11(Tue)01:02 No.15705734
    You will want to leave your consultant at home then. Alternatively though, I've been researching some fascinating methods on tearing a soul from a body and have it still be able to observe and interact with physical matter. I've had reasonable success restoring the soul to a body afterwards, but if your consultant is leery of the procedure we can make other arrangements.
    >> Anonymous 07/26/11(Tue)01:05 No.15705758

    Could you say, attach a soul to a new body? Or its old body?

    What would you charge for said service?
    >> Anonymous 07/26/11(Tue)01:06 No.15705773
    And yet we were the ones who built the Chesterham vault. An all-internal project.

    You know, the one that Jarkan The Tactician tried to break into. The vault that took him fifteen years of siege and three thousand gnolls to get into the corridor entrance. The vault that still holds the record for "most intruder fatalities" in all of Britain- a record that has stood for eight-hundred years, mind you.
    Besides, we have the Dieselbeendet- still the best self-cleaning trap on the market.
    I suspect that you're still miffed we grabbed the Atlantis contract.
    >> Lokor Kurnak 07/26/11(Tue)01:08 No.15705789

    What about, say, using that principle to restore life to dead matter attached to a living body?

    I mean, if I had to cancel all of my future appointments with my prosthetist, you can't imagine the money I'd be saving. And I do pass on the savings to my customer.
    >> Lokor Kurnak 07/26/11(Tue)01:19 No.15705900

    You always seem so obsessed with death. What good is there done when you kill so many? Your trapsmithing may be solid, but your morality is weak as balsa wood.

    We didn't build the gnome-gassing chambers when Hitlem took power in the motherland. Oh, or did you want everyone to forget about that?

    We have built 50,000 trapping systems worldwide and counting, with innumerable lives SAVED thanks to our products. Not to mention the trapbusters my grandfather trained who helped remove your traps in that damned German dragon's palace.
    >> Lokor Kurnak 07/26/11(Tue)01:28 No.15705993

    I will come by myself, I suppose.

    A weak constitution is no excuse, after all.
    >> Anonymous 07/26/11(Tue)01:35 No.15706065
    WE didn't build the gnome-gassing chambers, nor did WE design them. None of OUR labor was used in their construction. Not only do we have the records to prove it, but when we were questioned before the Nornberg courts, Durin and Deekin was found entirely without fault- probably because as ethnic minority kobolds and dwarves, we'd moved across the Baltic to Sweden.

    We're actually from Denmark. And I'll have you know that our traps were installed for the previous ruler's family three hundred years beforehand. That's right. The previous, LEGITIMATE, ruler.

    If the customer specifies a completely lethal response, then we supply the defenses needed. Typically, most of our contracts are extremely high-security (Thornburg Prison for example, no breakouts and no prisoner deaths barring natural causes). As such, our clients typically request lethal defenses. We provide them.

    Oh, and for the record? Your trap busters made no headway for how long before you requested the blueprints?
    >> Lokor Kurnak 07/26/11(Tue)01:50 No.15706208

    The human commander requested the blueprints, sir. And no matter how well you may think you've got it covered up, I've never heard of a gnome buying from you, not a smart one anyway.

    And what of this obsession of the esteemed late Deekin's with "Mein Horden"? Clearly, his father's crippling injury led him to prove himself as the architect of the greatest murder weapon known to this world. Aside from the M-bomb, naturally.

    The trapbusters made their way through once our company's men trained for the task had arrived, mind you. I never said your traps weren't good, just that ours happen to be better. In fact, it makes me wonder if you've heard of the French council's defense of their parliament ten years back. Of course you did, it was in all the papers. All those mages, having spent decades mastering magic, laid low by the merciless bitch that is a roomful of lightning.

    It's so poetic it would bring a tear to my eye. If I were capable of shedding tears.
    >> Anonymous 07/26/11(Tue)02:04 No.15706316
    Everyone accuses Durin & Deekin of being in league with the Dracoreich, despite multiple independent investigations disproving such allegations. As Deep Dwarves and Artic kobolds, of COURSE we look just like them.

    And yet we're not.

    Vanat Deekin was never entirely well after his father's injury (and subsequent death), but like most kobolds he soldiered on. And, yes, he thought it fitting to build a triumph of engineering as a memorial to his father as a family vault.

    Unfortunately for him, shortly after its completion it was siezed by the invading Dracoreich forces and used to store loot from gnomes. Vanat committed suicide afterward, seeing his life's work in the hands of those vermin. It was only labled as his 'horde' because of the dead-man's switch he'd installed, locking it completely.

    I will admit to being impressed by your company's defense of the Parliament building. However, WE built Thornburg, which houses criminal magi- including those that attacked the Parliament complex. And, I might add, they've attempted escape sixteen times, all of which have been successfully put down with no casualties.
    >> Lich Lord Joris 07/26/11(Tue)02:05 No.15706319
    Hmm that could indeed be possible. I'll have to research further. I initially undertook the project to try to bind a spirit into a computer system as a sort of pseudo AI that my necromancy could control. If you can help find volunteers, that would speed my research up. I can pull the souls out and keep them intact, I can't seem to put them back in with 100% success yet.

    In the meantime, I could always graft a skeletal prosthesis that could be maintained rather easily. Let me know what you decide.
    >> Anonymous 07/26/11(Tue)02:13 No.15706390
    Me? No, that's Anita that has the bar. I guess I wouldn't have a problem serving an Orc if he were a good feller. But Orcs just tend to piss me off. Just get on my nerves, eh?

    Only king of the desert I ever heard of was Filbert Wolfe, before he disappeared. Man, he was an asshole, but at least he treated everyone under him ok, as long as you were under him. Not /evil/, you know, just someone who liked being in charge. But he was a human. Mind, he was a wizard, and they're queer folk, too. Good folk, but weird. Anyways, I know golds will eat when they're hungry but at least they have to decency to get to know us, walk among us. I know we're just pawns in some big game of theirs, but at least when they're around I don't feel scared. If a gold's going to eat me, he'll have a good reason to. Reds just like scaring people for the fun of it.

    Nah, I don't believe it one bit. Never heard of a red that ever settled to be a "fall guy". They're too smart for that. Besides, I bet that red was the one that geas'd the gold and made him take the blame anyways.
    >> Lokor Kurnak 07/26/11(Tue)02:19 No.15706435

    Hm, as endearing as it is listening to that man prattle on about the future of his work, I think I shall take you up on your offer. After all, why wait for responsiveness when you can engineer it yourself?

    And with some artful trapmaking, it would look just like the current one. If all it needs is the bone to move, I might even have some room to put in some more fun devices.

    Yes, Mr. Joris, I think you shall be getting a mighty fine discount in this case.


    No surprise those mages failed escaping, considering most of them had such severe nerve damage they could barely manage to slur their words, let alone unleash arcane punishment.

    The fact that they got the chance to escape at all puts the ball squarely in your court, sirs.
    >> Lokor Kurnak 07/26/11(Tue)02:25 No.15706478

    The gold walks free, sir. He took blame for none of it.

    That aside, I think you give all reds too much credit. No doubt a few of them are quite loyal enough to die for a cause.

    Of course, when the changes start rolling in, I'll be deep underground sipping on reconstituted water.
    >> Lich Lord Joris 07/26/11(Tue)02:27 No.15706491
    Excellent excellent. I'll begin preparations for the graft as well. I think you will be most pleased with it. Perhaps if this endeavor goes well, we could look into the possibility of partnership? I've always wanted to get into the defense business, but everyone was always offput by my willingness to use ghosts as security guards.

    See you on Thursday I suppose.
    >> Anonymous 07/26/11(Tue)02:34 No.15706530
    Yes, of course, because to be declared fit for trial they were refused the services of a Cleric. That would be the 'humane' thing to do, letting them be unable to speak in their own defense. I hope you can grasp sarcasm over the Internet.

    By Moradin's beard, you never bothered to check up on their case afterwards? It was in the news for months.

    They've attempted escape, yes. It's a bit difficult, however, to jump through a vacuum without spells or equipment. The escape attempts were all directly attributed to the State guards failing in their duties, not in the defenses which successfully retarded said attempts.

    Mr. Joris, I'd be interested in filling your contract, however, I would request some time to discuss with you your required perameters and dimensions.
    >> Lokor Kurnak 07/26/11(Tue)02:37 No.15706546

    Well, provided we use no ethereal systems, I don't see why ghosts should be any problem. Guards that never sleep would certainly be an interesting draw.

    As far as the graft goes- Well, let me teleport you a package that to you, may just be another bit of lifeless flesh, but I can assure you has deep personal significance to me. After all, my family being a bunch of packrats, we'd be loathe to throw anything away.

    So despite it being severed from my knee, I'd be a laughingstock if I truly *lost* my leg.

    Indeed, I look forward to Thursday, Lord Joris
    >> Lich Lord Joris 07/26/11(Tue)02:46 No.15706595
    You still possess your leg? Perfect, that will create a sympathetic resonance with the necromantic process. I should be able to restore some dull feeling into the leg since it was once attached to you. Hmm, perhaps I could melt the flesh and leave the bone intact, graft some suitable alloys to the bone for endurance and then graft another layer of kobold flesh over that. Yes yes, I think I could use the flesh from my nephew, since I'm still displeased at his attempts to find my phylactry.
    >> Lokor Kurnak 07/26/11(Tue)02:46 No.15706596

    Naturally they weren't denied the service of a cleric: The majority of them had to be raised.

    Well, if you doubt our system's ability to destroy nerves, perhaps you should come and test it in similar circumstances. I'd love to see a cleric recreate a nerve that's been fried to so much carbon. Of course, we'll pay for the casting if it's successful, but if it isn't...

    Well, you'll have quite the explanation to give to your test subject, won't you?

    I mean, it will give you something to do aside from observing our genius at work.
    >> Lokor Kurnak 07/26/11(Tue)02:49 No.15706621

    Hmm, I think we shall have to discuss these plans further. I hadn't even considered the idea of getting back some feeling.

    And I mean, I had no idea you were a kobold yourself until you had said something. As always, we provide an additional discount for our fellows.
    >> Anonymous 07/26/11(Tue)02:58 No.15706682
    Certainly. Just be sure to supply holy water and diamonds of sufficient value to a cleric of sufficient skill to cast a True Resurrection.

    Which is what had to be provided to thirteen of the sixteen mages that were fried.

    You really didn't pay attention to their trial at all, did you? Not even to learn from them?


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