I fought a duelist known for disarming his opponents, so I fought him bare-handed. I'm still trying to get the hang of picking things up with my feet.

On my last adventure, I met a kender. He was always borrowing my stuff, so I lent him a pack of gnolls.

I thought it was a mistake to send a kobold as our emissary to the elves. I forgot how good they were with traps.

Har har.

"Y spel gud 4 dragon? Is just worm." - Thrudd Blokfist, final journal entry.

You never feel so big as when you're with a halfling.

more

Stereotypical old wise man say- Champion of justice who stand on ledge soon become fallen paladin.

Everyone says I am crazy when I say a druid killed the king, they refuse to listen to anything about the grassy gnoll.

You always hear about wyverns, but never the whoverns or the whenverns. I met one man who told me a riveting tale about the knowwhutimeanvern.

Nothin' says lovin' like someelf in the oven.

>>15587579

Okay, i laughed.

Orc Pork. The other green meat.

>>15587609
>grassy gnoll

wow

>>15587609
Well, I just found the plot for my next game.

i am reading all of these in the voice of Stephen Wright

more, OP, more!

A group of paladins saved the city next to a massive waterfall tourist attraction from a bunch of orcs. Grateful, the citizens named the waterfalls after them.

Our paraplegic rogue is the best in the land at getting by traps. He says his wheelchair gives him a lot of practice at Disable Device.

A wizard casts magic missile. A technomancer casts not-so-magic missile

My last girlfriend was a drow rogue. I never thought I'd see epic checks in Use Rope.

Enough skill in Intimidate, you're the boss. Enough skill in Bluff, you're the king.

Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide
Because the DM is an asshole and he wants to play something else.

I met a monk who took a vow of poverty. Screw that. I'm taking a vow of wealth.

Speaking of monks, I once knew a druid who joined a monastery. He wanted to learn how to fight with his bear hands.

A good bard quits when he is ahead. A bad bard quits when he is a head.

I heard you guys like monster girls. You should check out my ex-wife!

No, but seriously. I asked out a lady werewolf the other day. She told me she didn't date furries.

I remember the time I dated a lamia. I had her wrapped around my finger. Also wrapped around the rest of me. Talk about a girl who can take your breath away.

>>15587934
DOHOHO.

>>15587937
That's not a joke. I mean, it's not even a bad joke, it's just... not a joke.

I dated a minotaur once. She broke it off when I told her I was lost in her eyes.

I remember my old friend in the clergy, Judas. Tough old bastard, fought with nothing but a set of brass knuckles. Had his own fighting style too. He called it "Breakin' the Jaw"

Seen on the bathroom wall in the Assassin's Guild-

Here I sit
Broken hearted
Paid a copper
Poison darted

I dated a kobold once. It didn't last long after we found out that they're like ducks where it matters.

>>15588115
Gasp! A doppelganger!

I fought a doppelganger once. He was a real jerk. The whole time, nothing but "Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself."

Rodney Dangerfield... in... my brain... must type... like this.

You know what the problem is with halflings in your party? You're always at least one man short.

I've seen goblins gobblin', and I've seen a bold kobold, but I've never seen drag on a dragon.

>>15588126
Dating one is even worse: if she's upset at you, you can bet she'll turn into your mother at the worst possible event.

I once told this guy beauty and love are all in the eye of the beholder. So, he went looking for one and was never heard from again.

So, I adopted this beast, but I seem to have displaced her.

>>15588154
Isn't marriage great? No need to go to Sigil to meet the Lady of Pain.

The other day I told our party that our new castle could really use a coat of arms. Turns out the barbarian was a very literal thinker.

A fighter fights, a crusader crusades, an assassin assasinates, but have you ever seen a toilet in a wizard's tower?

And I said, "Beholder? Damn near killed her!"
...
"With its magical eye beams."

I remember the time I slept with a woman who cheated Death itself. She was still pretty new at it though. She was just a seven-year lich.

>>15588345
She cheated Death. With me.

>A succubus tried to seduce me the other day. I had the willpower to resist her charms, so she stuffed a cockatrice into my pants to make sure I got hard.

Wait -- how does a penis go about making eye contact with a mythical creature?

>>15588355

Cockatrices (who have the word cock in their name, not sure if you noticed. Heh heh, cock. heh, said it again, hehe) just touch you and they turn you to stone. In NetHack you can slap people to death with your COCKatrice, and if you put one in your mouth, such as if its in a can of cockatrice meat, you turn to stone.

>>15588355
A cockatrice requires no eye contact, but touch.

>>15588378
>>15588377

I always assumed they worked more like gorgons, but I guess the chicken God of the sea is a bigger fan of practicality than Poseidon.

>>15588377
>>15588378
Indeed. Of course, it wouldn't matter even if he had the right idea. What man hasn't heard of the one-eyed trouser snake?

>>15588377

Well, you ever hear of the term, "one eyed wonder weasel"? Applies here too.

>>15588402
>>15588398

You guys understand that euphemisms aren't literal, right?

Forgot i had a portable hole in my looting sack when i stored it in my bag of holding. That sucked

>>15588355

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UI-HR4THP-k

Why if I ever saw one of them cock-a-thingies...

>>15587579
I don't get it :/

>>15588451
the joke is that kobolds enjoy sexual intercourse with male transsexuals

butt-intercourse, if you catch my drift

>>15588451
The joke: kobolds are awesome with traps. "Trap" is also a slang word for male transsexual, one that looks so much like a girl that to be able to seduce men, hence the trap bit. Elves are very girly.

Conclusion: kobolds are good at dealing with elves.

STOP EXPLAINING THE JOKES

>>15588560
see what we were trying to say is that kobolds liek to make fuck to male elves

via sodomy

>>15588560
Jokes are a story or phase designed to entertain people and hopefully produce an audible transmission, often called laugher.

>>15587579
>>15588466
>>15588581
My girlfriend and I are about to get in a new 3.5 game. Thanks to you, I'm now tempted to suggest her that we'll play an elf-kobold gay couple.

I'm not sure what she'll think of me if I do this. I'm afraid.

>>15588666
Hey congratulations Satan. Is she a damned soul or still a lifer?

I dated a Fleshwarper once, she left me in stitches.

I thought my Artificer girlfriend was being kinky when she said she wanted to show me her toys.

>>15588771
But she agreed on playing 3.5 in the group with us!

this thread is awesome.

Bumping awesomeness

>>15591865
Guess what.

This thread is peanuts compared to other threads.

They say beauty is in the eye of the Beholder. Try to guess which eye.

>see this thread
>about to respond 'srs bsns' mode
>realize it's a joke
>fap furiously while reading thread

What a pseudodragon I got! We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room!

>>15593027
I... don't get it.

how the fuck is this thread still alive after 12 hours+?

>>15593485

This is /tg/.

>>15593485
That's part of the joke!

>>15593485

Because bad puns are an art form, and my bard has to get his verbal ammunition somewhere.

>>15588115
Corkscrewed?!

>>15588406
They are if you're a fairy.

>>15589156
She's just humoring you. She thinks you're a loser for it, she's just not going to come out and say so, because women just aren't straightforward like that.

>>15593027

Hah hah. You are a comedic genius.

>>15593718
I dun' get it :(

>>15594654
You're rather thick, aren't you?

Enough skill in Intimidate, you're the boss. Enough skill in Bluff, you're the king. Enough skill in Diplomacy, you're a god.
>ftfy

>>15597501
Boy, my time as a chosen was rough! I tell ya, my god carries around the picture of the kid that came with his wallet!

>>15598552
And let me tell you about my luck! I tell ya, my Preform rolls were so low I caught a peeping tom booing me!

>>15598559
My local adventuring guild, oh boy those were a rotten bunch! When I went in with my druid friend he was told his pet would have to stay outside!

>>15598571
When I went in with my druid friend they told me that my pet has to stay outside.

The wierdest thing about having a monkey familiar as a bard is when it starts to ape you.

>>15600972
Monkey see, monkey do.

>>15600972
>>15604275
Oh goodness I lol'd.

>>15599863
Missed my Rodney Dangerfield-esque joke.

>>15608307

Too fat.

>>15608307
Goddamnit!
She would make for a great Valkyrie.

>>15608307
>>15610402
Me... kinda gusta.

What has happened to this thread?

>>15609765

glad I could make you laugh (the guy who posted the first bit)

but it's probably the second bit that tied it together.

did you hear the one about the chef gamer? He loved to slice and dice

rolled 4 = 4

I cast "Animate Thread!"

C'mon, buddy, I thought you was playin' here all weekend long?

>>15614857
You should've cast Tasha's Hideous Laughter.
It might seem cheap, but you'll never die on stage again.

I went to the local mercenaries guild recently, looking for some disposable companions. Their swords were all reasonable priced, saved for one rather squat, bearded fellow with a penchant for alcohol. I asked him why that model of mercenary was so expensive...
I bet you can finish this joke yourself.

>>15615741
How about you put in the damn effort?

But if the thread has to end, let us end it properly.

You soon will be out facing danger and strife,
You soon will be fighting and risking your life.
I know there is use for my saber and knife;
Alas, I will not be along.

We all have my limits, and I'm nearing mine;
And so, with your pardon, I'll have to decline,
For I've an appointment with women and wine,
And gaming and music and song.

It's been far too long since I've gambled and drank,
Too long in that dungeon, disgusting and dank,
Too long amidst refuse, repulsive and rank,
Too long without love and romance.

Before I embark on some hazardous quest,
Before once again I am put to the test,
If I don't take time to recover and rest,
My sanity hasn't a chance.

It's not that your company isn't a thrill,
I'm truly impressed with your courage and skill,
And happy to journey beside you; but still,
I need to be free for a time.

When we meet again, we'll have stories to share,
So 'Vaya Con Dios'; good luck, and take care.
May travel be pleasant, and fortune be fair,
And may you find meter and rhyme.

A dwarf walks under a bar.

>>15615917
A dwarf walks out of a bar

Every dwarf I've met is a total hipster.
They always talk about how their stuff is so underground.

>>15615945
Bullshit

>>15615945

Now THAT'S funny!

>>15615945
That one took a minute to set in.
Haw.

>>15615945
I've seen it happen. Of course, he followed it by burping, then telling his friends "This one's empty, where's the next?"

>>15615984
>>15616001
>>15616017
Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week
The dwarves though, they're here to stay