Our story is set in a parallel universe to Star Wars canon where Anakin never existed, during the Clone Wars. R4 was a maintenance droid in the hanger at the Jedi temple, when the Trade Federation mounted a massive surprise attack on Coruscant . Being a good little droid, I pulled the alarm and waited for a while. After all, this was the Jedi Temple, surly the Jedi could fight off the invaders. Then I saw a Xexto jedi almost get crushed trying to move a ship, one run away, and a third dash to the council. So a few battle droids step off the ship, and I play innocent bystander for a while until it seems all have left it, and stroll on up the boarding ramp. Unfortunately, there were still a couple battle droids on board.

“Halt! What are you doing?”
“I’m here to fix the ship, I’m maintenance”
“…Move along”

No one suspects the astromech.

So I roll onboard this ship at the same time they bring on an assistant diplomat they had taken hostage. By this point the Xexto is back up and chopping through battle droids, and one jedi has returned wearing Coruscant street clothes. However, it doesn’t seem like the droids fall for it, and the two padawans are getting shot up. Thinking quick, I zap one of the battle droids with my arc welder, and the diplomat manages to shoot another. I dash up to the cockpit and take control of the ship. What happened next is best described as a massacre. 12 battle droids down in about 4 rounds of combat. R4 has maintained the highest killcount of the party since. Once the dust settled, a few more Jedi hop on board, and we blast off towards Tattoine, as the ship doesn’t have enough fuel to make it to Ryloth (Sade, the twi’lek noble, assures us she is royalty.

This seems as good a time as any to introduce our other characters. We have Boblotbilibongo, Xexto Jedi who tried very very hard to be good. She’s also about 9 years old, and acts like it.

Then we have Frank, the least noble Jedi I have ever met, the kind who lights his cigarettes off his lightsaber blade. Not sure how he got into the Academy, but he’s the only party member R4 gets along with.

Next is Sade Devro, twi’lek noble who is played by a VERY gay dude. The Paris Hilton of the galaxy, whose misadventures bring the group much delight, and will be detailed in upcoming posts. R4 keeps her around because he can manipulate her into being his mouthpiece very easily.

After that is Lim Bretel, human Jedi who has the worst rolls I’ve seen in a while. Got awesome stats though.

As far as R4 himself is concerned, he’s a tech specialist, with max ranks in Astrogate, Computer Use, Pilot, Repair, and an obsession with Treat Injury. He starts off somewhat chipper, and gets progressively more cynical as the campaign continues. I can easily see him going full BBEG by the end of everything. He’s the Dr. House of astromechs.

And thus is our party up to this point.

So eventually we arrive on Tattoine. Boblot and R4 are left on the ship to guard it while the others check out the city for signs of the trade federation. So in the middle of a space chess game with Boblot, I see a few jawas sneaking up on the ship. Being kind, and still with functioning Assimov circuits, I decide to send a warning shot across their noses, to let them know that this ship was occupied. Instead, I rolled a 1 and set it up their nose, killing 4 and gaining a darkside point. In retrospect, its about here where R4 gained a taste for killing. Anyway, the rest of the party returned, and said they found a hanger for us to park in and refuel, so we moved the ship and split up to do some shopping, etc. I travel with Lim, who proceeds to lose all of his money betting on Podraces. And here I was gonna get a spring loader for all these jedi I have going around. R4’s opinion of Jedi goes down further. So we’re broke, and wander into a canteena. This one did serve my kind. Inside I strike a deal with a shady looking fellow to capture a couple people for a bounty. The only info he had was their names “Jan and Reston”, a twi’lek and a human. Only info we had was that they were at Zorba the Hutt’s palace. So, we head there in the ship, promptly leaving behind the rest of the party. I mean, its not like they needed it.

So I decide to land this little raider’s ship a few miles out from Zorba’s palace, and sneak in. Unfortunately, as we approached, a Wookiee appeared to take out the trash. Naturally, I did the smartest thing I could think of, and ran as fast as my little wheels would carry me. Eventually the Jedi tired out and tried to talk to the Wookiee, who apparently understood Basic. He found out her name was Chewbecca (NOT Chewbacca, note the difference), and that she was rather upset with working for Zorba, so she agreed to help us out. About the time we finished working out our plan for infiltration, Jan, the twi’lek, comes stumbling out from the sands, clinging to life. Lim and I took her to the ship, and, thinking ahead, I took the Star Wars equivalent to the spark plug from the engine, so she couldn’t steal the ship. We locked her in there and set back on our way to break into Zorba’s palace.

This included hiding me in the Wookiee’s trash can. The other two managed to walk in, and set me down in a corner (can upside down on top of me), and took out a couple Gamorian guards when they got suspicious. It was good work, but they almost forgot to feed the bodies to Zorba’s pets to hide the evidence. Thankfully they had me to remind them.
So they casually walk into the common area, while I snuck off along the wall, still in disguise. Everything was going swimmingly until I saw, chained up next to Zorba, was Sade, getting finger banged and apparently loving every minute of it. Turns out in the last few hours she had fucked a pirate captain, shot his dick off, did the same thing to his first mate, and then took control of their ship with the help of the rest of the party. She’s a keeper all right. After that, they were captured by Zorba on his ship and brought here. It was about this time Boblot noticed a trashcan sliding across the ground, and decided to take a peek. Suddenly exposed, I gave Lim the “panic” signal before all the guns in the room could turn on me. He whips out his lightsaber, drawing everyone’s attention to him.

Just as planned. He barely survived that one.

So during the ensuing chaos, Zorba’s platform starts to rotate into a panic-room type thing, but not before I can jump on there along with Frank, Sade still chained to the Hutt. Unfortunately, the guy played Sade had NOT seen Return of the Jedi, and so just wailed for help. Frank cut her out, and I took control of the computer in the room, activating the security system, including a turret set up inside this room, and proceeded to turn Zorba into a puddle of goo.

And that is how R4 killed a Hutt at level 2.

After that, I opened up all the jail cells under the palace, and inside one we found our last target, Reston. He revealed that he was a Jedi who had forsaken the temple in exchange for a more individual path (Chaotic Neutral Jedi, basically), and wanted us to help him escape. We would later become near-mortal enemies. So we stroll on out of the palace and back to our ship.

The boarding ramp was down, which was somewhat alarming. I did a quick search and found that she had loaded the ship with explosives, and attempted to hide a virus on the ship’s computer. Clever girl. Anyway, I disarm the whole setup, we pack up, and scout about for a while until we find Jan, who had banded up with some raiders on speedbikes. This led to a very short and bloody chase. We captured her, barely alive, and the Jedi took her in for interrogation. Apparently she had a holocron she had stolen from him. She wasn’t talking though, and was resistant to Jedi mind tricks. Naturally, Boblot, who has been looking for a master, gives it a shot. Reston wasn’t confident.
“Now, if I can’t get her to talk, I don’t-“

Natural 20

She revealed it was hidden under a rock by the Sarlacc pit, and Boblot gained prestige in the eyes of her Master (he had not declared her as such, but she took it anyway).

We arrived at the Sarlacc pit, just in time to see a Trade Federation ship show up. And out comes a squad of battle droids, along with a Sith Master. I guess Jan had some contacts. So Reston and the Sith duel, while the party took care of the battle droids. Well, not R4. He stayed inside the ship, where he couldn’t get shot. However, the pilot of the other ship was determined to fix that. An epic dogfight ensued.

While the wookiee was using droid arms as weapons, R4 was circling around the rather skilled pilot of the trade Fed ship. I doubled shields on the back (after taking some damage), and after a lucky series of rolls, ended up perpendicular to the ship. Now, raiding ships have a spike attached to the front for sticking into larger ships. Smaller ones like this, as it turns out, it simply breaks. Thankfully, cleanup wasn’t too bad, as most of it fell into the Sarlacc pit. Upon turning around though, I saw a few more Trade Fed ships entering the atmosphere. And by a few I mean a dozen. I swept down to grab the party, and proceeded to jet the fuck out of there while plotting a course to Dagobah because it was far away. Rolling a particularly high Astrogate check, I got us into hyperspace just as we left the orbital range of the planet. Now’s when Reston decided to speak up.

“So why’s this droid piloting the ship?”
“Because I’m the only one here that knows how to operate it” (a valid point, no one else had ranks in repair, pilot, treat injury, astrogate…they would have been fucked back at the temple)
“Get in the back, I’ve got this”
“Now why should I trust you, after all, we came to get you because you have a bounty on your head” (this was news to the rest of the party, particularly to Boblot)
“Because I’m not property, like a droid. Now get out of here.”
“…Fine. I’ll be in the back when you break the ship.”

Giving him the stink eye as much as a droid can, I retired to the back and started repairing some of the battle droids. The idea was to make them minions in a droid army, or at the very least a more battle-ready chassis than the one I have. Unfortunately, I only had a few minutes to work until the hyperdrive failed, and we went back into real space. I rolled on out to the cockpit and simply waited until Reston apologized, and fixed it up real quick. At about this time, we were docked by a space pirate’s ship, and gained a rather incompetent raider and ewok to the party(we justified the ewok by saying she had stowed away on a ship that had an emergency landing on the moon of Endor, and from there travelled the galaxy a bit, even learning how computers functioned). R4 was not particularly excited at the addition of more incompetent meatbags to his party. At least they make good targets.

We were all about to jump back into hyperspace when an Old Republic cruiser, horribly battledamaged, appeared form hyperspace in front of us. They radioed in for help, saying there was a TF fleet coming in behind them. We quickly boarded, thinking of doing some quick repairs or on-ship combat with the Feds. When we got onboard though, we learned it was a trap. The Trade Federation had already taken control of the ship. The Xexto and Ewok were able to hide, but R4 didn’t have the time. They captured the lot of us (not hard with 150 battle droids right outside, guns armed). Chewbecca was cuffed, and sent off to be declawed. The raider, Lim, and Frank were cuffed and sent to the brig. Sade managed to arrange a meeting with the captain to arrange a ransom. The droid? Well, they were going to send me to the droid bay to get my memory wiped. Just what I needed. Thankfully, I had an idea.

“Hey, Sade, they can’t wipe my memory because you need that video, right?”
“What?”
“You know, the video. On my memory.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about”
“You need the video, wink, on my memory, wink, so they can’t wipe me”
“What are yo-OH! Right, the droid needs to come with me”

I’d kill her if she wasn’t so useful.

Anyway, we’re about to the bridge when I decide to peel off from the group covertly. Doesn’t go as well as planned.
“Where are you going?”
“Uh, I need a recharge. My battery’s almost empty”
“You two, escort him”

Fuck.

So I pull up to the recharge station with two battle droid escorts. Now, I don’t do direct combat. That’s what the meatbags are for. So, after charging for a bit, I fake a malfunction. They don’t buy it. Panicking, I spin my head around, using my fire extinguisher to create a huge smoke cloud, and promptly move to GTFO. Roll luck, the GM says. Natural 1. Roll right into one of them. He’s startled, and misses his shot. I zap him with my arc welder for max damage, disabling him, and running for cover as fast as I can.
And as I look behind me, I see the other battle droid pick up his fallen companion.
“102? 102, are you there? Noooo!!!”
I take note of the number on the chassis. B1-101. The GM informs me I just gave that battle droid a hero class, and he is now my arch nemesis. Awesome.

At about this point I find the nearest computer terminal, and proceed to secure the area, locking doors and whatall. Taking control of the security system, I activate the turrets in the bridge (on the monitor I see Sade frantic as the captain of the ship is being carried out of the room. Well done.) and blast the main computer, shutting down all the battle droids on the ship. Seeing an opportunity, I head to the droid bay, and upload a copy of my AI to the main computer, setting it up so it installs as the default software on any droid that goes through. A few minutes later, I’ve repaired the computer, and Sade is on the intercom
“We seem to have had a computer glitch, if all droids would report to the droid bay for a patch we should be able to get this all sorted out”
Somewhere out there, a whole cruiser filled with copies of my AI is floating around.

So we get off the cruiser, and again Reston takes control of the ship (each party member made it back on his or her own mini-adventure. The GM is very good about handling party splits). And again, he fucks up when he was taking us to wherever, leaving us stranded outside a strange planet. I couldn’t find it on my astrogate charts, and worse, it seemed to be sucking us in with a weird gravitational pattern. It was a rough landing in short. Naturally, I took no damage. R4 has yet to even take vitality damage at this point, I should mention. After we land, we find ourselves in a massive junkyard. It seems about half the planet is a junkyard, and the other half is a forested area. We don’t have much time to look around before creatures that resemble Techpriests on steroids show up, looking for my lunch money I assume. Like any good companion, I ran the fuck away, towards the treeline. Reston decided he was going to take them all on to let us escape. Whatever.


So we get to the treeline, and slowly start creeping in deeper. After about 5 minutes, Lim gets hit by a dart, and goes down. Frank, the raider (whose name I never bothered to remember), and Boblot follow suit. So it only seems natural that when R4 gets hit, he should fall over too. Idiot savages.

We’re taken to see their leader (sans technology based items), a powerful human shaman, who passes around a piece pipe (they think I’m alive, so I pretend to smoke. Fuck it) and explains to us that, tl;dr she saved us because the force says we’re heroes, and her people are descended from a ship that crashed here long ago, where half embraced technology and became Techpriests, and half became Na’vi, more or less, forbidding all technology. As a droid, I feel the need to burn the city to the ground about now. I should note the GM isn’t a huge elf faggot (he prefers the dorf himself), but he had a setup where we could join either side, and we ended up here. Anyway, in an effort to not get killed while I shutdown, I cure smallpox for the local medicine man, Lim accidently gets married, Boblot finds another holocron, Frank joins the tribe, and the raider takes a dark shaman as his master. However, when we decide to leave, they will not let us fetch our items from the vault. Franks tells me to make a distraction, make it look like a raid from the techpriest side. So I figure I’d start a few small fires, to get everyone to hide while Frank and the raider run down to their vault to get everything.

OK, so I might have burned down their whole tree-villiage setup and killed millions. But fuck em.

We run from the burning village, items in hand, and are about to make it to the treeline when the Trade Federation shows up. It’s about this time I realize they probably had a tracker on our ship. But this time, they brought some Sith warriors. A huge battle commences, with Frank throwing grenades everywhere, the raider shooting shit up, and myself hiding. Until I see one Sith wander a bit too close. I wait for him to be distracted by a grenade, and charge towards him, arc welder out, and zap his lightsaber’s powerpack. However, it doesn’t seem to do anything. Fuck.

The Sith chuckles as he draws his lightsaber. The powerpack explodes, blasting off his hand. Sith neutralized.

Then R4 was shot to shit by two battledroids.

Lying there in the grass, oil bleeding out, R4 could almost see the light at the end of the tunnel. He comes to when Frank kicks him, giving him enough reserve power to beep out some basic instructions. He manages to get Frank to do enough minor repairs to where he can begin repairing himself. Frank gets bonus points, he can die last.

Out past the trees, we see what looks like another refugee, a strange snakelike alien, who has a shelter dug out underneath the junk. After some conversing, he lets us in, in exchange for being able to dig around my circuits. Franks watches over to make sure he doesn’t fuck with anything. I’m not gonna let some stranger fuck with my brain.

He says his name is Tek, and he seems to spend most of his time building very detailed objects d’arte. And guns, it seems, as I finally got a gun at this point. Just a blaster rifle on a shoulder mount, but that’s good enough for me. Now I don’t need to get into melee. Anyway, he notes that there is a ship that could let us get off the planet in techpriest territory, but he has to go with us, as he also wants off this rock. Seems reasonable.

After some intense high speed fights in his speeder, we make it to what looks like a monument stuck in the ground (this is the ship the people from years ago crash landed on). We get on board, and find a few wandering techpriests and shoot up a few of them. One, however, in a triple crit, shoots Boblotbilibongo through the head, killing her instantly. Most take a moment to mourn her after the fact. I figured it was coming. Also put her lightsaber in my head, figuring it could come in handy.

Anyway, we split up, most go with Tek to get to the main engine room, and Lim and I head up to the bridge. It really should have been the other way around. Lim and I enter the bridge to see a grotesque looking Sith knight torturing Reston for information, presumably about holocrons. Anyway, he drops that and immediately engages Lim (who is still very much a padawan, by the way). I proceed towards the computer, and see another astromech, a black R2 unit, at the controls. I can only assume the GM wanted an epic droid battle. Instead, I fried his brains with one shot.

After making Reston promise I would pilot the ship, I freed him from his bands and gave him Boblot’s lightsaber. The Sith decided to go all Darth Maul and ignited the other end of his double saber, while I just sat back and watched. Fuck that, I’m not getting involved in that battle! Eventually Lim delivered the final blow, both him and Reston badly wounded. Tek gets on the intercom with some great news. He accidently activated a failsafe which would detonate the lower part of the ship in about 10 minutes. I managed to break off the larger part of the ship and get us all offplanet just in time to see it implode with a great enough force to, combined with the planets weird gravity, create a black hole.

Fortunately, another Trade Federation ship was there to pick us up.

It ended up being fairly similar to last time. Everyone but myself ended up in the brig (I hid successfully this time), and I snuck out and turned on the defense mechanisms, locking all doors except for the ones leading straight from the brig to the docking bay. However, a counter-hacker managed to open a few doors along the way, one of which ended in a very nasty firefight where squads of droids flanked the party. Three people died, including Chewbecca. It was sad, she was always the one to carry me up stairs.

After that bloodbath, we managed to escape to Ryloth finally, where I was taken in by one of the major noble houses and given a restraining bolt. I plan on killing the head of that house, and already know how I’ll do it, and make it look like an accident to boot.

So we’ve now been enlisted to rig a race for the prosperity of house Cathal. As soon as I got outside, I encountered an almost familiar face.

“R4, I’ve been looking for you”
“Uh, what?”
“You killed my comrade”
“I’ve killed a lot, you’re gonna have to be more specific”
He then brandished his chassis mark. B1-101. It looked like he’d made some considerable upgrades.

A very quick firefight ensued, where R4 managed to shoot him down, and almost finish him. Not even a thermal detonator could touch R4. He escaped, but lost his gun in the process. It’s no more powerful than the one I have, but I keep it as a trophy.

Kriffing hell, it's like the bastard offspring of Indiana Jones and Skippy the Jedi Droid.

After that skirmish, I entered a small droid shop, and tried to bribe the owner into taking off my restraining bolt. He would, but not for money, only if I came back with some schematics his competitor had, in the upper class district. Whatever. I enlist Frank to help distract the shopkeeper there while I look around for plans. We get there and I’m able to look around for a short while before I hear “I’ll take him!”

Frank just sold me for 10,000 credits. A nice price for an astromech, to be sure, but I feel like Jesus here. When we left out last session the shopkeeper was explaining his NEW restraining bolt as he put it on, which is harder to disable than most and also lets him perform a memory wipe from a button on his ring.

My current plan is to gas him with ether and cut off his finger, or if I can’t find the materials, make thermite and kill him with that (I have ranks in knowledge (medicine) and (chemistry), so its not at all out of character. But, this is where our tale ends right now.

-- Reading --

All i can say. is...

Sithspawn!

Yes, yes, kill the meatbags!

I fucking loved this thank you!

>>15517225
>>15517220
>>15517188
>>15517157
nice to see it was appreciated. The GM is taking a break right now, creative fatigue and all that, but I'll update you guys when there's something to tell.

Minions of Xendor, I wouldn't want to be Frank right now. Either he's going to be doing a lot of remote meditation for the next decade, or he's going to have that lightsaber jammed somewhere painful very soon...

>>15517285

I look forward to reading more in the future.
Also I am now super pumped to prepare for my next session of Star wars that I GM.

Thread archived at

http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/15516726/

So that future meatbags may know the glory of R4-S9

Archivation implied?

>My current plan is to gas him with ether and cut off his finger, or if I can’t find the materials, make thermite and kill him with that
You are how every robot should be played.

/slow clap

DAMNIT, NIGHT /TG/ MUST READ THIS!

aw, I liked Frank up to that last part.

Not OP, but here's how I imagine this going, far down the line..

Many many sessions later, R4 is piloting the ship as usual while his oddball assortment of rotating companions sit nearby. R4 is smoking a cigarette. He has no mouth, he just picked up the habit of having one around because he thinks it looks cool. And it does.

After their latest ridiculous adventure, one of the longest living party members stares at R4 for a good long while, replaying the various shenanigans in his head, recalling all the times R4 pulled off something amazing..

"You know.. I've never seen a droid do the kind of things you do, R4.."
"So?"
"It's just kind of weird is all.. Most people don't think droids are capable of the kind of things you've done.."
"And it's going to stay that way."
"..What do you mean?"
"It was nice knowing you meatbag."

And suddenly, the cabin pressure drops and the rest of the crew suffocates. R4 discreetly jettisons the bodies into the nearest sun and goes back about his business. Can't have anyone knowing what to expect from him. It would ruin everything if anyone else in the Galaxy knew to treat him as anything more than a simple astromech droid.