I'm TRYIN' to be holy!

Get the dynamite, we're fixin' this

>Enemy wizard misses every one of his attacks, I say that they're punching holes in the walls behind the party

"Are you trying to write my name?"

>Another player got bitten by a hyena. Like, a lot.
>Proceeds to begin every conversation with "I got bit by a hyena."

"All of it."
"All of... are you su-"
"ALL OF IT!!"

(The Mad Scientist in our deadlands campaign when asked how much dynamite to use on the time bomb....

That was a messy, messy cleanup.)

"I attack the mariachi with my slime tendrils"

>Playing Song of Ice and Fire (gunpowder doesn't exist)

PC - "He's going to use you as cannon fodder."
NPC - "What's cannon?"

From another session, PC drunkenly (failed his test) made racist comments to foreigners

NPC - "Blah blah blah, dog fucker."
PC - "I'll show you 'dog fucker'!"
*drunk fight ensues*

I love my players.

rolled 18 = 18

"I ain't goin out like a bitch"

And then my Dwarf Artificer proceeded to detonate all of the gunpowder on his person, clearing the room of three skeletons, all of the furniture, all of the loot, and most of the carpet.

>the group meets a female NPC. Rogue, our party face, begins conversation with her.

DM: (to the rogue) Your Trapsense is tingling.

>Assassin proceeds to somehow manage to sneak a noose around a mafia goon's neck, tighten it, drag him to the rooftop, and pin him. All unnoticed by any of the other goons in the area.

DM: Okay, the goon looks at you a bit nervously and asks, "Who the hell are you?"
Assassin: I want to roll to intimidate.
Rolls like, a 17 with a ton of circumstantial bonuses.
Player 2, in a Batman impersonation: "I am. . . the Cavefisher."

It's funny, because his backstory was he turned to good after accidently killing a child. So he wanted to play a character that didn't use lethal force.Every time he ended up killing someone, we'd all do our best Batman and go, "THAT CHILD IS DEAAAAAAAD!"

Old Man Henderson.
Point-Blank Annihilation.
/thread

"The Game."

The GM's BBEG died right then and there from embarrassment. Much lulz were to be had around the table.

>3.5 Ravenloft, Party is cautiously talking to the hag in the cave with her circle of power (It's been a while since I looked at Ravenloft)
>Halfling Wizard identifies circle of power that benefits the hag, has low strength.

Wizard to DM: I bullrush the hag.

>Succeeds

>Playing Dark Heresy, Female Arbitrator and Male scum
Arbite: "We should go get a set of carapace greaves for Wolfe."
Scum: "We need to go track down those heretics."
Arbite: "Wolfe's got no wounds left and his legs are broken, he needs that Carapace!"
Scum: "FIGURES! Of course a woman would want to go shopping instead of hunting heretics!"

"The druid abides."

>>Low level party has just hacked apart a regenerating zombie, notes that pieces are still wiggling and trying to regroup.

Paladin: This is a wholly unnatural evil and must be purged. I recommend the Sacrament of Cleansing, a holy ritual of my order.
Rogue: OK, whadda we need to do for that?
Paladin: Burn the fucker.

as the DM to the party

"You guys are more like a focused force of genocide than an adventuring party."

>>15451007
That's not exactly a one-liner.

Contributin'... Favorite from my group, a battle cry shared by a number of players at various times while rushing to meet the enemy:
"DIBS ON HIS TEETH!"

"I throw chicken"
And so our half-orc barbarian who's been carrying around a pet chicken, which has been on his head during every fight, throws his 'good luck chicken'

Goes through the wall, that we now figure is an illusion, and on a DM rolling for the throw, he get's a nat 20 and the chicken hits the halfling wizard in the face causing the illusion to drop entirely.

The wizard kicked the chicken, which then immediately sends the orc-barb into using his once per day rage, and charge the halfling with his club.

Chaos ensues, and come the end of the fight, we found out we were all on the same side, ended up killing two of the halflings hire on's. chicken is safe, and even managed to dodge a fire ball in the end.

All actions chicken made, be it getting thrown and hitting the wizard, to living through a fireball were rolled by the DM.

The chicken has done so much and gotten so luck on 5% chance rolls, our DM has said "Fuck it" and it now giving chicken experience points every so often.

I now fear that the chicken may be secretly controlling our half-orc barbarian, and is actually sentient.

Hell, an entire bar's memory was erased making everyone forget 30 min and the only one who actually realized something was off, was chicken via DM announcing the percent chance, letting one of us announce the range (we picked 50-55% on the dice) and it actually happened.....

should I be concerned?

>>15451028
Naw, its probably just a miniature giant space bantam.

>>15450824
HASTUR HASTUR HASTUR
And then the Canadian national anthem.

"Total annihilation? Do I look like a bitch?"

PC tried to blast the BBEG into oblivion by explodefully atomizing her, only to watch in horror as she reformed and trashed his ass.

>Following a protracted battle involving two gatling guns used in a private home in Deadlands

PC 1: "I'm going to bless this house to make sure no more foul spirits get in."
PC 2: "Why bother? It's already holey."

"Shove it in your FACE!!"

>Said as a barbarian's battlecry .01 seconds before he realized how gay it sounded. Now our entire party's call to combat, greeting, and doppleganger challenge.

>>15451066
Thats terrible

"This investigation will get us in to a lot of trouble. So we're going to do it anyways because fuck the man."

"I'm going to get another little drow girl, and this one will be the party mascot."

We get ambushed by a large group is bandits. The cleric is unfazed and steps forward and reassures that hes got this. Then the cleric shouts "DIPLOMACY!!!...*rolls a 1*...FUCK"

>We captured an enemy agent. We send a PC into same cell as the enemy agent to try to get information from him. His first words to the enemy agent were:

"So I hear you work for the enemy too."

>PC promply gets knocked out in one punch.

Deathwatch, pushing Smite at Nurgle Terminator.
>crazy good rolls
"POWER! UNLIMITED POWEEERRR!"
>do that every time I atomise guys. Wraithseer, terminator and a squad of CSM so far.

>After crawling to safety on the shore from a shipwreck

"Perhaps hiring the drunkest guy with a boat we can find because he's easier to convince wasn't such a cunning plan after all"

This was my group with a nat 20 on a diplomacy roll before combat after intit. By our druid who was wild shaped into a Raptor at the time

Dm(me): Ok you bust through the open doorway and roll....Oh good a 20 what do you say to the group of goblins

Druid raptor man: AAAAGHHHHHHHHAAHHHGGHSSSSSSS because im a fucking raptor

Our group's chaplain for our holy mission to eliminate xeno's final words for the men that died in the initial skirmish.

"God is good. God is great.
These guys ducked.
But they were too fucking late."

Apologies for being more a speech then a one-liner, but I thought it was cool.

>Superhero Game
>My character is Super-Intelligent and Super-Wealthy
>Considered a squishy and mostly worthless skill-monkey, mostly kept around in case the GM throws a bomb at the party.
>Nazi Super-General comes out of retirement and conquers Atlantis, overrunning the entire military of a hidden nation that successfully combined Science and Magic.
>Threatens to use their magitechnology for world conquest.
>Team goes in, leaves my character behind because they think I'll just get myself killed.
>Team gets curb-stomped and captured.
>Have 4 hours before deadline and the nazi uses Atlantian super-nukes to take over the planet.
>Spend first hour collecting a sample of a particularly strange looking Atlantian foot fungus, patching a commlink into their communications system, and tinkering with some alarm clocks until they look really mechanically complicated.
>Calmly walk in the front door

>>15451717
"I do not believe we've ever met. I am called the Quizmaster, Der Fragen-Meister, Vraag Meester, 出題者, Oригинал Bопроса, Amo del Concurso, as many names as it takes for every language on the planet. You're now facing the smartest human being in the world, and he's not in the mood to play around. Here's the situation for those of you too thick to comprehend what facing the smartest human being in the world means.

Checkmate. In your eternal ineptitude you've let me roam free in Atlantis for over an hour, an hour I've spent making careful preperations.

Your deadline says every Atlantian outside of the central citidel will be shot in a little less then 3 hours. Here are some deadlines of my own. I found some notes on making the deadliest biological weapon ever conceived- but one capable of descerning who it would kill and who it would live based on genetic purity. It's done, and genetically programed to only kill Ayrans.

>>15451723
One: If another hair on the head of an Atlantian is so much as parted wrong, if someone tries to lay a finger on me, or if I so much as see a Swastika after half-an-hour I release the virus- Right now.

Two: If you take an hour to leave, instead of releasing the virus in Atlantis I release along the Jetstream in the Northern Hemisphere. By this time next month, the only blonde-haired, blue-eyed people left alive on the planet will be the ones I hand pick- and they will not be any of you.

Three: If you do manage to neutralize me and the virus and are still in Atlantis in two hours, then my devices will go off and release their binary-gas payloads around Atlantis. I'm pretty sure Atlantians will experience nothing more then a rash, but the Humans. . .you get the idea. You can try to disarm them if you want, but doing so speeds up the deadline and I truely doubt any of you know the first 14 words in the traditional wedding blessing of Africa's Maritsu tribe. Or the central tenets of Jewish Kabbali worship. Or the names of all 10 incarnations of Vishnu in alphabetical order."

"In short, I am the Quizmaster. My weapons are ideas, my blows reshape societies, my bullets kill civilisations- what chance could you possibly have against me?"

>>15451717
>>15451723
>>15451726
too long, too smug

sounds like it was written by steve jobs

>>15451726
>>15451723
>>15451717
This reeks of insecurity.

>>15451754
A bit, granted. It fit though, given the speeches the general liked to give.

>>15451717
>>15451723
>>15451726
>entire speech is IM SO SMERT
>preperations
>citidel
>descerning
>programed
>I release along the Jetstream
>all about 'hurr i know about the culture' but make special mention on the swastika despite its significance to Buddhism

>>15451772
Wait, it was all a bluff right? You didn't actually have a virus?

>>Our group's manic-depressive drunkard barbarian when being goaded into a fight, a la Sam Kinison:

"Believe me, the last thing you want is my full and undivided fucking attention."

>>15451813
Aye, just a bluff. It was actually a bit of magical athlete's foot.

Anywho, something a little shorter.

>Halfling Sorcerer/Rogue

"Nah mate, Magic is just the art of lying in a way that the world believes you."

>>15451028
Obey me.

DM: You see two carnage demons above you. (boss battle)
Ranger: I shoot at the one on the left *rolls* 20 *rolls* 19 *rolls* 20 *rolls 15. TRIPLE CRIT.

DM: You see one carnage demon above you.

>>15451717
>>15451723
>>15451726

"I TOLD you you shouldn't mix lemonade with gasoline!"

"YOU'LL NEVER HIT MY TINY HEAD, IT'S SO FRIKKIN TINY, IT'S A TINY LITTLE HEAD!"

You can't do that, there's a bear in the way.

>>15451874
That's from TF2. Context, please.

>Smile you son of a bitch

Okay, the circumstances of that line are a bit convoluted:
It was near end of a year long sea adventure type campaign. Our group was fighting a rival gang of pirates out in the middle of the ocean. The original plan was that we would ram their boat with our tacticool-ed out ship that was custom built, custom built, FOR RAMMING, then while the rest of the party would keep the enemy from boarding our side of the boat crash, we'd lower this beat up Apparatus of Kwalish we'd have been using for a while, into the water, and i'd use it to attach a big fucking custom made powder charge to the bottom of their hull, that used a delayed fuse ignited by a party popper style draw string.

Well, the plan didn't work so well, namely because our boat was too good at ramming. We practically caved in the enemy pirate's hull and they were sinking fast, but more importantly, en route to place the charge i notice a silver glint in the water. A silver glint of something big that has been following our boat for a long time. Ever since we accidentally blew up a shrine to a sea goddess. (it was an accident!)

>>15451988
CONT.

I resurface, inform my team, and require a partner to help handle the controls due to the added complexity of what i'm about to attempt. One of our guys with a less than stellar history of self preservation volunteers, hops in, and we submerge again.

We end up taking the apparatus, giant ass barrel of explosives held in its chubby little lobster claws, and putt putt towards what turned out to be a shiny silver big fucking shark. Like really big. Mouth as wide as a schoolbus is long, big.

It didn't even bite so much as inhale the "lobstertron 5000" and then everything went dark.

Then my character says, "smile you son of a bitch" and has the lobstertron yank the detonation cord.

Everyone fighting topside on the boats is treated to a massive fountain of red water suddenly kick up from the ocean. I got the opportunity to roll every d6 i owned. I had a lot of d6s

>>15451894
2001: A Space Odyssey: Bear Edition?

"Do you KNOW what necromancers DO!?"
-superhero setting, photokinetic vampire hunter brings a dead body to the party lich. thought he'd use his magic to bury her, he instead animates her as a zombie slave

"You keep on running, jumpy. You'll have to sit still one day."
-superhero team's powerhouse threatening the teleporter

and two connected ones:
*half-orc bard/barbarian dresses as a guard and bluffs into the castle*
"I decide I'm in far enough after the third guard and remove my disguise. I strip out of my disguise, realize i'm not wearing anything but my warhammer underneath, shrug, and keep walking"

"I don't care how high your charisma is. You're naked, you're armed, you're half orcish, and you're at the king's front door, past several sets of guards. Roll initiative."
-the naked part? his idea

*two particular teammates have been arguing and infighting non-stop*
Captain Godzilla: "LOOK! You two have to knock this shit off! Either go into the closet and let off some of this sexual tension of yours, or else you slug it out like men right now and settle this! I don't fucking care anymore!"

>Feltpunk setting
>team trying to prove Fozzie Bear's innocence from murdering Statler
>sneak into the club he works at to find out his home phone # and address from the payroll
>dial his # from a payphone
>dumbass bareknuckle boxer takes the receiver from the leader
"It's me. Your cousin Flozzie. We're coming over, ok?"
>she hangs up on him
>dials again
"Hey, it's Flozzie again."

"Flozzie" became a recurring gag name that the group always cackled at as the worst fake name they could come up with

>>15452008
>>Felt punk

. . .What now?

You have my attention, sir.

During a game that wasn't going very well, one of the players loses it and screams at an NPC king.

"No! We're not going to help you! We don't give a shit! We're supposed to be a band of sexy, commando-badasses that goes around saving the goddamn world and not settling a dispute between some stupid talking foxes and rabbits!"

And now their adventuring company is named "The Sexy Commando Badasses"

>>15452008
Lichzorz (superhero 4chan nerd turned lich) and his pet golem are sent to investigate a vampire's lair for information. stumbles across his secret lab where several vampires work on creating zombies

Lich: "Hello!"
*instant mayhem as the vampires panic and turn on him, opening fire with machine guns. golem has dmg resistance, Lich is undead and bullet proof. Bullets do 0 dmg total*
Lich: "....I SAID... hello!"

>>15451991
CONT.

Though i was ready to kill both of us to take down the shark, My character and his copilot actually both survived the explosion by the skin of our teeth. The people on the boats witnessed the tattered smoking remnants of the Lobstertron shoot out of the watery gore-splosion, a rather large piece of the lobstertron's fuselage, containing 2 screaming men arced over both of the boats and splashed down on the other side.

"So much for plan A"
"What's plan B"
"Find clean trousers"

Do you lay eggs?

She DID. :(

Weird campaign.

>>15452026
homebrew setting /tg/ came up with ages ago. varying degrees of paranormal, but essentially a Call of Cthuluish world where all muppets and puppets (famous and new) came to life. think the idea was still being brainstormed when i convinced my friends to try it out, so took the concept and homebrewed some of the rules myself

only ran one session, but very well received. turned out that Waldorf had killed his friend in a final attempt to ruin the bear's life, wearing a hollow suit designed to be a copy of Fozzie as he did it. the party wound up battling Waldorf and his amateur sorcery, as well as the bound ghost of Statler (ala Muppet Christmas Carol)

meant to include things like a psychopath who was killing puppets and stuffing human hearts into their bodies/killing humans and stuffing them with cotton and googly eyes, finding a cult whose chant of "Mana Mana" summons hooting pink demons, and investigating sightings of a shaggy blue monster whose cravings for sugary treats has gone to a point of desperation where it will devour humans just for the blood sugar (cookie monster meets Sasquatch/skunkape)

friend of mine playing dwarf cleric fighting BBEG

"IM GOING TO EAT YOUR CHILDREN!"

*rolls nat 20 face smashes BBEG in face with fuckheug mace*

screams back at him "NO IM GOING TO EAT MY CHILDREN!"

An eight foot tall half-giantess NPC introduces herself to our party thus: "I am Butcher. My mother was named Butcher, and so shall my daughter be named"

My druid PC immediate puts a hand up on her belly and says, "Your daughter? How far along are you?"

This was apparently funny enough that our GM immediately decided that Butcher was in her first trimester. Also decided not to have Butcher wallop my druid upside the head for violating her personal space.

GM did later have his revenge though, and make my druid gay.

>>15451726
>what chance could you possibly have against me?"
32,200 Joules applied to your torso 7 times per second. Do the math mr fancypants.

>Dark Heresy/Rogue Trader mash-up
>Group discovers super-helpful "Black Templars" were actually Alpha Legion
>Discover other, non-disguised Alpha Legion cell was working unwittingly against their brethren
>Daemonhost manifests in PC at the same time as a Greater Daemon tears its way out of an NPC
>MASSIVE multi-way clusterfuck of combat ensues
>PCs fighting back-to-back with Alpha Legion (both cells) against Daemonhost and Daemon
>Combat ends, Inquisitor asks "Black Templar" leader just what the hell is supposed to happen next
>Former Sword Brother Wolfram responds "I was hoping we could part today as friends, for our goals have been in accordance and have been met."
>Inquisitor draws himself up to his full height, which is decent in Ignatus Power Armor

"Today."

>fin

>Try to sell plain water to priest claiming it's holy water
>He casts detect magic and exclaims that it is simply normal water
>Our Cleric: I CAST OBSCURING MIST!
>We vanish into the mist
>Priest is like wtf

>Our DM:
>"ROLL FOR ANAL CIRCUMFERENCE!!!"
>FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Me [DM]: Why are you taking the time to bury all the dead guys in this village?
Player [Monk]: I'm being all lawful and shit, bitches love lawfulness.

>Playing WFRP
>Fire wizard player is a dick both IC and OOC. he's our group's That Guy
>Strands us and leaves us for dead in a demon-infested swamp. We be mad, plan revenge.

I'm proud to say the following was my idea. He solved every single problem by throwing a fireball at it and always seemed to roll suspiciously high damage for it. So our alchemist mixed up a highly flammable poultice and applied it to the wizard, telling him it was a healing potion. Next encounter he casts Fireball...and promptly bursts into flames. Nobody helps him, he burns to death, he sulks and we all laugh our asses off. Then, later:

>Dwarf player keeps making amazing rolls and critting everything
>"Wow, I'm on fire tonight!"
>Wizards player face when

>>15452420
This is how my paladin works.
Also I love telling BBEGs of all sorts that "They are the evil, the world is the body and I am the scalpel".

>One of the players, a paladin who had been roleplaying as just barely lawfult good (not in the least backed up by the fact most of the party was chaotic neutral or evil) was challenged to single combat by some saint of paladins in a mix of a lead into her 'epic destiny' and a hint to get back on track.

Saint: You have one last chance to regain your honour.
Paladin: Fuck you and fuck paladins. Paladins suck hairy balls.

Oh god, the look on the DM's face.

>Interrogating a group of enemy soldiers

"Who speaks for you?"

>Corporal raises hand, two men armed with swords take him outside.

"Who speaks for you now?"

>>15452430
>My face when

>party is on a old spaceship they intend to loot for themselves
>techpriest with +40 to tech use try's to hack the reinforced door into the ships cargo bay
>fail
>fail
> critical fail
>scum party member with +0 to anything machine related takes over despite the techpriests objections.
>critical pass
>The door slides open effortlessly
>as the scum runs into the cargobay to loot stuff, he turns back towards the techpriest:

"don't touch anything important! if you see some machinery just call for help!"

>My techpriests face when

>>15452455
Have this.

>Level six party in 4.0
>Find a ritual beside a pile of ashed human remains.
>Recognise ritual as demon summoning circle.
>Return to capital city.
>Summon Balor in marketplace.
>Through buffs, stuns and damage resistance, kill the demon without taking a single point of damage.
>Find the king of the city.

"We summoned a demon in your marketplace, then killed it without taking damage. You should reward us."

>>15452543
>in 4.0

>>15452554
Hey, gimme a break. I hate it, but the newfags in our party wanted to take one go of it. We usually play 2.0.

>>15452557
>getting defensive
>newfags
>2.0

>>15452559
Cute story beau.

>Online DnD Session Starts
>DM sets up the situation
>Party gets into an argument
>We roleplay for like 5 and a half hours
>Druid says "MAN THIS IS THE BEST SESSION EVER"
>Realize the DM hasn't said anything for about 4 and a half hours
>Everyone wtf's
"I FELL ASLEEP"

>>15452543
DM of that campaign.
Id post my reaction face when they managed to continuously stun it so it didnt manage to attack them and when it finally does the fighter spends all of his powers to negate all the damage.
The Balor was upset.
Also, Paladin really dropped the ball there.

>>15452559
Very defensive. And we usually play 3.5 :P

I'm a cleric fighting a fire beast. I speak Ignan, and roll for diplomacy. Natural 1.

"HEY, FAGGOT, LET'S TALK THIS OUT!"

>>15452603
i'm using that next time i roll a nat 20

>>15452617
Well sorry princess :D
What are you doing? arent you at lewis'?

>>15452628
The unhapppy issues of an anonymous board.
Yeah, I'm at Lewis's place.
>Implying I'd be dancing to Lady Gaga instead of browsing /tg/ or /b/.
How did you get online?

>>15452641
Ahhhhhhhh. You have my condolences.
Also, just for the record, i prefer 3.5 but 4 is easier to DM so it lets me be lazy.
We have 1gig of usage left (lots for me) so i can use it up.

>>15452608
The next session the cleric succumbed to peer pressure and got toasted. I was so drunk I started failing saves. Then I remembered that my main objective in town was to meet with the local pastor. This led to: "Can I have the rest of this bottle, I wanna take it with me to church."

Cleric stumbles out, and after some wobbling is greeted by two polite guardsmen who want to escort me back inside. I have places to be, so I roll diplomacy. Natural 1. I throw up on the big one's shoes, then add, "Consider it a blessing."

>>15452652
I know you prefer 3.5. Again, implying anyone wouldn't prefer it? There is no record to be taken.
Ah, fair enough. That's how you convinced your mother then.
There are facets of 4.0 I can't disregard as improved, but 3.5 is far superior.
You should get on MSN, I want to get off /tg/.

>>15452667
>I know you prefer 3.5. Again, implying anyone wouldn't prefer it

>Level three cleric, get a disease I can't heal
>have to go to town and get a cleric of a different religion to heal me
>my character is not okay with this shit
>I have a little goblin sidekick who also got diseased
>begin healing process, I refuse to kneel or offer any kind of thanks to the foreign god
>I'm a halfling
>"get on your knees"
"I'm already so low to the ground before your gods."

>process fails to heal both the goblin and I
"Is this all the divine might of Arnor can muster?"

>goblin (dabba) starts shrieking in his native language about how lame their god is
>look straight into the eyes of the other cleric
"That's right Dabba, Arnor IS a pansy!"

I managed to piss off an entire organized religion in ten minutes it was quite fun.

>>15452687
I like your style.

>Questthread on /tg/
>Be nude and disoriented, team up with some guys who lead me to some smith dude
>Strike heroic pose
>"LO AND BEHOLD, FINE CRAFTSMAN. WOULD YOU BE SO KIND AS TO PROVIDE ME WITH CLOTHES, ARMOR AND WEAPONRY?"

>>15452687
You didn't need to act so derpy. Just because he's another deity doesn't mean you couldn't thank him for helping you out. It's just polite.

>>15452702
I was trying to start a new religion so getting help from anyone else would only weaken my cause. Got a back-alley heal later so it worked out fine.

>>15452675

OD&D: heavily story-driven, lots of sharp edges, up to the players to smooth out the burrs of what seems like an unfinished product
2e: heavily role-playing and character development based, rulebooks released for every conceivable happenstance.
3.xe MODIFIERS! MODIFIERS EVERYWHERE!!!
Pathfinder: LET'S TAKE THESE MODIFIERS AND PUT THEM SOMEWHERE ELSE!
4e: WOW MADE A LOT OF MONEY! LET'S MAKE A BOARD GAME OUT OF IT!

>>15452710
Sounds pretty accurate.

My chaotic good dwarf cleric of the the DM's home brewed god of dwarfiness

Activation word for ring of arming "Shazam"
Activation word for super party buffing item "Skadoosh"

Always has barrels of ale near by, when having sitdown meeting with warlords the Paladin asks me to supply some drinks.
Me: But that's sacrimental ale. It's only used to bless things..
Pally: We need to keep these barbarians happy!
Me: Wait a minute! There's things here! There's rocks, there's trees, there's birds, there's squirrels. Come on, we'll bless them all until we get pershickaded
End up getting the warlords so wasted on dwarven ale that they all signed a treaty.

Deathknight: I will devourer your body and torture your soul for eternity!
I sunder his sword followed up by his armor.
Me: What now bitch?
It abyssal blasts me in the face dealing almost no damage after the save and protection from fire up from the last fight.
Me: Oh that tickled, try this on size (five foot step and cast flame strike dropping the DK into the teens to be finished off by the ranger's arrow)

>>15452710
>> Implying that the rules for anything in any edition make a difference, and it's not the players and the DM who make the game

>> False Spingie
YOUR SPINGIE IS FALSE EDITION WARRIOR

Death Watch
After pretty much killing an entire planet
From my PC to our chaplain who instigated the slaughter

> "You know exterminatus is typically the inquisitions thing right?"

i don't know why but we laughed for about a half hour

>>15452714
>Implying we should all play FATAL: after all, rules don't matter!

>Unhallowed Metropolosis
>In the Grim Future of Alt-Victorian England, there is only Zombies. Also, toxic smog.
>Knock on a door, realise in all this smog there's probably like an antechamber between the front door and the house
>Hmm, probably muffles the sound of the knock.
"I ring the bell or.. knock on the door or, fuck, urinate on the cat, however it is these people get each other's attention."

>Later in the same game
>We need to get into a girls academy to talk to the daughter of a missing doctor
>Try convincing a guard to let us in
>Everything up to and including bribery fails.
"... I have a GUN, you know."
>Now every social interaction opens with us mentioning our armaments.

Palying a game of twilight 2000, we had one guy that was a tank commander, never left his damn tank. In a big battle where our lone tank was against 4 others our tank was getting hammered a shot came in and hit the ammo sending the whole thing up like a roman candle.

The tank commander's last words on the wind
"El yay!"

That same player had a clockwork librarian in a steampunk d20 game that was turned into slag in an explosion, its last words were "El yay" as well.

>>15452736
If you get as butthurt about the editions people enjoy as some people do, perhaps you should be playing FATAL, I hear there's rules for that.

>>15452779
I wasn't the other guy: I was simply pointing out the implications.

I enjoy 3.5 myself.

>>15452782
Fair enough, I've nothing against any particular edition myself, will play whatever so long as it's enjoyable.

and in relation to the thread...
>> Playing Paladin
>> knock goblin shaman into massive drop hole in the floor with a drop kick
>> Find him later splattered all over the basement we went down to
>> "Well... oops."

I guess this is kind of /v/, but a friend of mine was fallout

my friend: I've had to kill people to maintain my neural karma; INNOCENT people

>Dragonborn fighter with 20 strength

DM: You are ambushed whilst looting the chest!
DB: I hit him with the chest
>DM rummages around looking for stats. Eventually dice are rolled.
DM: Double crit
DB: Damn... never seen a red flapjack before.

>>15450943

Warhammer RPG.

My trollslayer had just plowed his way through 4 beastmen singlehandidly. He walks back down the road to the rest of the jawdropped PC's and quips, "I'm covered in Gor."

archive this thread

>playing Hunter
>up against lolconspiracy of evil
>find entire families gutted, just to send a warning
>feeling very warned
>suggest we back off, find easier targets
"We must fight evil, no matter how strong it looks! I have a strategy which can place us as equals in threat and power to these people, and we can strike them down, once and for all!"
>group pause
>all heads point to mouthy "leader"
>my commentary:
"What troubles me is that you /say/ the phrase 'I have a strategy', when what you /mean/ is 'this is my elaborate suicide, will you all join me?'"
>group pulls pistols, level them
"Yes! Kill that dissenting voice!"
>group isn't pointing them at me
Bang bang bang bang bang
So we went hunting for Vampires instead.

>First time (and last time, however you want to take it) trying out 4E with a particular group
>One player is a dragonborn archery ranger
>She fumbles alot
>ALOT

" *Thwip!* Hey! What did the ceiling ever do to you!"
>becomes a running joke that she really hates ceilings and every miss is her character shooting straight up out of habit

I'm playing as a half orc monk who at level 3 has 30 points in jump.
We are currently battling a swarm of zombies and the cleric of the party, a 4ft tall changeling berates me for not taking on the leader at the other end of the room.
"Use your head." He said aloud. Now El Mysterioso Magnifico, yes he was a half orc monk wrestler, did not take kindly to be told what to do.
So I picked up the changeling and ask if I can use his spiked helmet as a weapon.
I can apparently so I make a jump check and get about 45.
I leap the room to the sound of "I believe I can fly" and jam the spiked helmet into the necromancers squishy brainmeat. I then say "Use YOUR head."

Its awful I know.

lvl 3 Barbarian with very high Intimidate

>Try to browbeat a suspect, DM asks for intimidate roll
>Make my roll

"I rolled a 2... for a total of 22."

God I love saying that.

A confused was NPC making important decision about her future and goes around asking the party members for advice. She eventually goes to the blind, gambling, Russian alchemist.

Her: "How do you make decisions?"
Him: "I flip coin, and then cry. I cannot see result."

>>15454283
>NPC was, not was NPC
Why do typos always strike at the worst of times?

After savagely beating and decapitating an enemy post-mortem, our monk is admonished by the DM.

"Why did you do that, man? Corpse mutilation is way too far."

"I was angry!" Reasonable. "You'd be angry too!" Fair enough. "I like severed heads!" -.-

The DM was not pleased.

>>15453272

Similar thing happened in a Mutants and Masterminds game.

We had a Superman analogue called Victorious who had a favoured tactic of smashing through walls, floors, ceilings etc to surprise the person on the other side.

Until memetic mutation kicked in and he just had a pathological hatred of walls and floors.

I wish I had something to contribute but I have never played any RPGs
But reading these treads always makes me want to

During a campaign in which our plane was being invaded by undead, while playing a commissar-esque nutjob;

"I AM SICK OF ALL THESE MOTHERFUCKING UNDEAD ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING PLANE."

This was while quoting SoaP wasn't passé.

"It's not a rescue. It's an arrest. An arrescue."

>Party enters tavern looking for a man
>Man is called the Rogue Trader (trolololol)
>The fighter yells
>WHERE IS THE ROGUE TRADERRRRR!
>Tavern goes silent, one man in the back is chuckling

>>15454545

>party member is revealed as changeling, which was in-character news to everyone
Rogue: "Whoa, wait, how are you white now?"
Druid: "By Obad-Hai, you can't just go around asking people why they're white!"

>>15454555
>implying it ever wasn't

>>15454641
eveerybody loves SoaP!

playing a halfling rogue Dirk Daggermouth. play him as an aging vet of burglary, in the halfling equivalent of his mid-50's. graying hair, complains about his stiff joints, putting on weight... still a gritty old man who's been around the block and loved to tell stories about his vaguely badass past

"Names Dirk Daggermouth. There's two knives in my name. There was gonna be a third in there, but I left it in my pappy's back when I was six."

*Dirk is hit by a zombie*
"You call that damage!? Ol' Granny Daggermouth hit me harder than that!"

same DM/system the year after, roll Glaag. female dwarven barbarian out in the world to make her clan proud and earn a name for herself (literally; her people had no last names, only titles earned)

DM: "Ok, are any of you bloodied?"
Glaag/Me: "Are you kidding me? I bleed more than this when its my time of the month."
*looks of digust*
"WHAT!? It's very commonplace to discuss among my people!"

*settling down for the night*
"What is this?"
"That? That's a bed. You're people don't have beds?"
"No..."
*flops onto bed*
"Oh my god this is such a good idea! I always just slept on a pile of freshly punched-out animals!"
*DM proceeds to draw Glaag, her clothing the full skins of dead animals. this includes gloves that look like she has punched two badgers in the mouth and wore them whole*

*brother players a gnome wizard. decides to play him as a frat boy whose dad paid his way through wizard college*
Most Uttered Phrase In Battle: "Look, do you KNOW who my dad is!?"

especially funny when he pulled this on giant rats, snakes, etc. eventually he pulls the line again...
"Do you know who my dad is!?"
Me (as brother): ".....because I don't. Sheds a single tear."

>>15454794
one more Glaag story....

party's riding a chariot trying to catch up to the fleeing villains. casters blasting away on it, but i'm left with nothing but crappy throwing hammers. with only a +2 bonus and crappy rolls, always miss

Bard: "What the fuck? Aren't you TRAINED in those things?"
Me: "Ok, look! These aren't actually weapons in my tribe. They're toys. And the game's like horseshoes, so it's about getting close rather than hitting anything. So get off my case!"

not a great line, but loved that explanation

GM:"Well it's going to be pretty tricky to take his weapon, he's only using brass knuckles..."
Player: "I didn't say I wanted to take his weapon, I said I wanted to disarm him."
>proceeds to remove bad guy's arms with monofilament whip.

>A hugely magical mirror in a monastery
>high-level monks use it to purify themselves, by fighting a physical manifestation of the evil within them.
>the evil side of one monk won out and overpowered the guards
>he then clones himself, making evil reflections of his already 100% evil self
>Party breaks in and starts fighting infinite army of evil monk clones.
>Monk PC reaches mirror and begins to battle the evil in *him*
"Reflect on this!"
>drop kicks his evil self back through the magic mirror, shattering it.

>Generally low magic setting, the High Steward of a kingdom is fighting a gnome assassin, who is using some kind of steampunk magitech harness to teleport around like freaking Nightcrawler.
>Successfully grapple the little bastard for once
>Give the gnome's backpack a fonzie-like smack with a magic-scrambling touch ability
"GET OFF MY PLANE"
>Gnome gulps, and disappears. Hasn't shown up since.

>>15455089
I did basically the same thing once, only i was using a shotgun, and the guy was a party member raping a gal.

"Your tricks won't work on me, Derren Brown, I studied PSYCHOLOGY!"

More please

Our Rogue Trader was a mine of one liners:

"It'll only get worse if we die."

"Nothing says 'fuck you' like plasma batteries."

"Hubris is my greatest virtue." This was his favourite saying, oft repeated.

"Taken at face-value, it was a compliment."

"The crew have no idea how badly I'm doing!"

"Double the decadence budget!" Our budget consisted largely of decadence and shenanigans.

"Fuck you, it's a Warlord Titan. What're you gonna do?"

"There's a whole moon-full of Zachlas replacements."

"So we took free advice from a crazy old woman, and now we're being shot at?"

"If it is nailed down, steal the nail, then steal it."

"It's a holy pilgrimage where we steal everything we can carry."

"Let's put all our eggs in one basket. Because we only have one egg. And we're still weaving the basket, so, really I have an egg in my hand."

"He says 'holy father', you say 'holy Emperor', I look in the mirror..." In regards to a Space Marine chaplain.

"Your move, Navigator..." A mere moment before being shot by a sniper.

>CoC group. We have to find some artifact in a museum guarded by mind-controlling parasites that took over the guards. My character Jay Gatsby walks in with his shotgun and says
"I'm here to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and I'm all out of gum."
>Gatsby proceeds to single-handedly kill over half of the guards

>RT group, Explorator and Arch-Militant enter main hall of the duke who kidnapped our Captain. We're sorrounded by shocked guards and my Explorator aims his hellgun and speaks
"We're here to chew sweet resin and kick ass. And we are all out resin."
>group kills the guards, Explorator loses an arm when the high guard show up.

rolled 40 = 40

>>15456659
shit reminds me of that movie..
the fourth kind, where the guy kills his family to protect them

>>15456659

These are the moments I play CoC for

>>15456659
I was expecting him to blow his brains out in front of the party. What I got was much funnier.

>>15456659
This post... this one single post... made me want to try playing CoC.

When hell is full, the Noid walks the Earth.

"Nothing quite says 'I love you' like a steaming pile of shit."

LIVE DAMN YOU

>Call of Cthulhu
>Teammate was trying to get in the good graces of a child NPC who had recently lost her father.
Him: "You know, my father gave me some advice before he died that I still hold close to me--"
Me, out of character: "The blood stays on the blade."

>Many laughs were had.
(For those not in the know, it's a Gangs of New York reference.)

>>15457170
dude who never visits /tg/ hurr.

I'm wondering, are these greentexts from irl campaigns and things?

Or is there something mystical online I don't know about?

>>15457292
Most probably are from real life games, but these games can be played online.

Morrow Project campaign: We're trapped in a post-apocalyptic Atlanta inside the city hall building surrounded on all sides by underground dwellers we called Morlocks. All session whenever one of the players throws or fires a grenade; he or she misses and it goes wild. I load a FERRET (Grenade meant to punch through doors and explode) into the launcher, Aim for the 2' foot wide window in the reinforced door, Yell "The Power Of Christ Compels You!!!" and fire. I rolled a crit.

One of the other players hears this over the team radio, figures why not give it a try and so his character grabs a grenade, yells "The Power Of Christ Compels You!!" and chucks it. Another crit. That line became the running joke for months.

>>15457292
Well, mine was from a real-life campaign, though I'm not sure what that has to do with anything.

>>15457353
>The Power Of Christ Compels You!!!"
I am now imagining this being shouted while actual ferrets were shot out of a cannon.

And I'm loving it.

>Playing with a very meticulous DM
>He has notes on almost everything in his campaign about the length width and height of things for some reason
>Players are driving a giant drilling machine up a mountain cliff to get behind a giant golem who has been temporarily deactivated
>The machine has one time use rockets, we launch at the golem
>DM does some calculations
>Says we are headed directly for the golem's ass
>"did we hit?" a player asks
>"Yes" the DM said "right up where his anus should be"
>One player character always comes up with funny mission names for even the smallest of objectives
>Everyone is staring at him expectedly
>He finally speaks

"Well, lets just drill up his ass I guess."

>>15457749
wait, that's the best after none of you could name the most obvious joke?

dissapoint

>>15457791
Well that's what made it funny.

We laughed our asses off, I guess you just had to be there.

There was all this anticipation for some kind of obvious joke, and we got... that.

>>15457749
I guess the golem was really...*sunglasses*

Butthurt.

the group managed to land Cutthroat Bill (a convicted murderer, rapist, and cannibal ogre) as an ally of theirs. he's still evil and violent, but a massive tank they can at least direct his violence at (being a bit amoral themselves helped). after being gutted and near death, they have to tie him to horses just to drag his giant ass back to a cleric. Bill's revived, a bit sickly and weak but alive

Bill: "I need somethin' to eat, somethin' to screw, and somethin' to kill... I'm headin' to the whorehouse for all three. Be back later."

>>15457886
YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAH

>>15457899
I like the efficiency of this guy

>>15457918
he was an absolute party favorite. despite him being nearly killed again when the party tried to get some information out of a group of fairies, but they fled at the sight of the drow priestess of disease/chaos/mischief and Bill. they asked the two NPCS (i swear, the players just loved NPCS; plus they were really just flavored healbot and tankbot) to hide in the woods while they spoke
so they leave the priestess of mischief alone with the convicted rapist...
and return to find her bleeding severely, Bill unconscious and bleeding worse on the ground, and her panting while holding his snapped poleax in her hands
Lara the drow: "You will NOT guess what just happened!!!"
not the case. they all did

also at one point they raided a fortress full of orcs. the rogue and the druid snuck in the back, taking out archers before letting the party in the back entrance to free the slaves inside. once they're secured, they signal the rest of the party to set off the bombs they placed at the front gate. they herd the slaves out the back way again while they let the team barbarian/bard, cleric, and Bill rush the front gate. the action gets them separated and they face the boss fight in the upper tower of the fort

Druid: "Wait! What about Bill? Did anyone see him!?"
Me: "You look out the window to see Bill has settled things out in the front courtyard. He's sitting on a pile of mangled corpses and stolen rations. He's eating both indiscriminately, waiting for you guys"

So a guy plays a dwarf and proudly proclaims he is going to play him up to stereotype, much to the rest of the party's consternation.

Okay so he drinks a lot but he ends up playing this really cool relaxed dude, that speaks in slang (Somewhat out of setting), hits on elf bitches and everything.

So one player is like, "WTF, I thought you were going to be a stereotype."

He nods, saying he did. He pulls out his character sheet and points to where it listed hair color.

>Blond

>>15458111
I dun get it. Is there some stereotype about short, hairy blond men I'm unaware of?

"The dwarven cleric feels suddenly reinvigorated once more as he strides on with a spring in his step."
"He's a dwarf. He's got a piston in his step."

OP here

I can't believe this thread is still up. Usually it just disappears overnight...

>>15458163
Blonds have more fun.

>GURPS game
>Monster Hunter meets Mad Max setting
>Playing Viking Doctor
>Beset by raiders while riding in a van
>Our gunner npc is killed
>Fail diagnosis

Me: THIS MAN WAS SHOT!
GM: There is a massive pick in his head
Me: WITH A PICK!

>Pick starts blinking
>Oh shit, it is a bomb
>Everyone in the van starts yelling as we frantically dump the body out of the back of the van

>Raider tries to sneak in from the other side
>Smack him in the chest
>Put knife to his throat

Me: WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
Raider: JOHN
Me: JOHN WHO?
Raider: JUST JOHN
Me: WHY ARE YOU ATTACKING US, JOHN?
Raider: WE'RE JUST RAIDERS, AND WE JUST DECIDED TO ATTACK YOU

>Raider is crying and pissing his pants
>Feel sorry for him
>Party member opens the rear doors of the van

Me: I feel sorry for you, so I'll give you a chance to live. We'll throw you out feet first.

>Party member slams him face first into the concrete, out the back of a speeding van

Party Member: Looks like he died of... concrete poisoning.

>Everyone bursts into laughter

I said... EMPTY YOUR BOWELS, SIR!!!

My friend as a dwarven cleric, to someone who is wounded:

"Hang on land I gotta touch ya!"

>>15453491

level 3 has 30 points in jump.

how does that even

From tonight's Rogue Trader game:

"You all realize this is the second time you've asked me, 'how much xp do we get for blowing up a city,' right?"

>>15454545

I know that feel bro

I'm forever DM so no great lines from me
my players are total failbombs when it comes to roleplaying

>>15454545
Holy shit I just noticed that fucking GET

>>15458536
Fucking awesome. That's like the new gold standard for rogues, are you a bad enough dude to sneak up to a guy facing you?

When confronted with werewolves, our thief sneaked up behind one of them and yelled ''SURPRISE BUTTSEX''

And he did exactly that, in character. And the werewolves were surprised.

Weird War 2 with only me and my bud

>pinned in front of MG nest
>Bud:"Dude help! I used all my ammo!"
>Me: "USE YOUR KNIFE"

And later in the game he actually threw his knife, killing a Japanese officer

>>15457351
I'm curious.

How would this go well online?

#1

>Playing Star Wars Saga Edition
>one dude is a PTSD suffering spess mahrin trooper type who is aways having flashbacks about his dead war buddy, Jimmy
>launch preemptive attack on sand people village
>trooper sees a little sand person kid get blown up and starts yelling, "JIMMYYYY!"
>becomes regular in-joke with our group

#2

>same game, same battle
>different trooper guy sees a sand person get blown to chunky bits
>turns to GM:

"I masturbate furiously"

>becomes new go-to response whenever something horrible and tragic happens.

>>15458765
What part are you wondering about?

Its just like normal role-playing with supplemented audio and visual components.

>>15458913
Oh.

Mind linking to anything related?

>>15458919
>>15458919
You're probably going to have to ask /tg/ in an appropriate thread. I prefer irl games so I might not be the best to ask.

We come across someone from the city who works under the kings orders. We have him tied up and half of the party want to torture him, the other want to just talk to him.
Chaotic Good Elf walks up
Elf: Look, all we want to do is help you out
>Rolls a charisma of 8
Soldier: *spits in elf's face"
Elf: Cut off his fucking arm.

Hilarity ensued

>>15458942
Ah, no problem then. Thanks for the other answers.

>>15458765
What, you mean games in general? I've never played any, but I've heard plenty of stories here about them going smoothly--more or less.

Now, the quick-wit humor? Timing like that can only be achieved face-to-face, or at the very least in a game with verbal communication and not text.

My WoD character, whenever he is being out-talked by one of the other party members:

>'Silence.'

this was the first and so far only game of D&D (3.5 i think) iv played and i am hoplessly hooked
>7 players
>alignments all over the place
>party so disfunctional combat continued avg. 2 turns after all enemys are dead
>much backstabing (both with knives and without) and theft
>bard with unholy amounts of cha.
>one response to everything to keep us from killing eachother
>crit every. fucking. time.

"just let it go"
i hate those 4 words

damn i miss that party

>>15459071
so did he say silence or just stay quiet?

Several lines that became memorable in our group:

We had a guy playing a super-honor-driven samurai who got punished by a lord for dishonorring his famirry and was told to take his own eye, He did, then he promptly went to the bar to drink. We're all there drinking with him and supporting our bro when in walks the brand-new charater of a guy that had joined the game late. He decided to play a smart ass, sarcastic asshole (his words). This guy (the player) is also not too bright. He walks over and plops down onto the barstool next to our friend

"What the fuck happened to you?"

"I just had to take my own eye out"

"Psh. You probably had it coming."

Samurai slowly turns his head

"I'm sorry, say that again?"

"I SAID, you probably. had. it-"

Samurai cuts him off by breaking his bottle of alchohol over the new guy's head and proceeds to beat the snot out of him. The rest of the party joins in and gives him a proper boot party. My character, the only other slightly nice character stands by and watches before breaking it up

"He's had enough"

Then I walk over, undo my pants and pee on him as he lays there with his face and ribs broken. I walk outside and see town guards coming. I run back inside and yell, "IT'S THE FUZZ! CHEESE IT!" The samurai runs out, yelling, "I GOT WARRANTS! I GOT WARRANTS!"

>>15459098
disregard this my brain caught up

>Playing wheel of time rpg as Aiel algai'd'siswai
>Aiel are forbidden from touching swords
>Being attacked in tavern by children of the light
I try to catch the sword blade between my hands
>DM says that will dishonor my character
>Miss the roll anyway while the NPC thrusts the sword at me
>Catch the blade in my stomach aka get stabbed
"NOOOOO! MY HONOR!"

Playing a homebrew system and campaign, called Frozen Brains. Playing as a small mercenary band, somewhat firefly syle, but more useless. Fighting an evil space brit who is running experiments on planets to work out the properties of a strange black space-substance. The leader of our merry band is called Wilhelm Atwell, also a space brit and the son of a hero who saved the British superpower in the last terrestrial war of earth before humanity started colonizing the galaxy. By detonating the largest explosive ever created above the Japanese-Russian compac Redstar. (destroying about 1/3 of the planet in the process, there is now a huge crater in the middle of russia)

Anyway, Wilhelm is exceedingly awesome, yet blunders a LOT. He is in charge and takes any personal failure to heart, but rejoins always with the phrase "I'm still captain"

Some great moments:

>infiltrating Redstar research/archaeology dig facility
>spend like a half our out of game deciding on how to single out the leader who is a known ally of BBEG. Decide to pose as scientists and deliver a "message" to the generalissimo telling him he has to go up to floor 18 because orders.

DM: "you part the crowd and approach the Generalissimo"
Wilhelm: "Sir, you're needed up on floor 18"
General: "Very well, lead the way."
Wilhelm and Mechanic turn around, hear charging up sound of energy.

DM: "This was genuinely a great idea guys, but you forgot, you're british, you can only speak english AND with a british accent and this is a russian research site staffed with japanese scientists."

>>15459356
Battle ensues. General has experimental weapon that is basically a lazer that goes for infinity and can cut through anything. Activates by pushing wrists together like a hadoken.

They knocked him out and then bound his wrists.

DM: "You hear the sound of the energy build up"
Wilhelm: "...I'm still captain"
> Lazer fires, Wilhelm and Technician run like fuck, escape underground cavern they were in.
>On surface, breathing sigh of relief.
> Rumbling
>Uncontrolled lazer fire through ground, Entire facility collapses.


God I loved that game.

Heavy Gear game.

Open-topped engineering gear gets caught in oil fire. 2 PC's drive their gears in to help. One breaks down in the heat and starts cooking the pilot, the other ends up trying to tow both wrecks to safety.

Can't make it out of the fire towing both.

PC: I roll notice to check to see if the engineering gear pilot is still alive.

*Rolls 2D6.Boxcars. Gives 6 + 1 for an extra six, + 1 for stat, giving 8. In a D6 based system (Silcore)

DM: "There are some things you cannot unsee"

"We need to punch Tom in the face so he can go back in time to save present-past Evans"

"Well if these things keep splitting every time we attack them eventually they'll be small enough to manage."

I got some mid-level PCs in a 3.5 game that are part of a secret society involved with keeping the peace in their mighty city state and as part of their cover operation have a rather successful high class bar in the lower-middle class areas of the city.I roll on my custom local random events chart and I get an outdated event for their level but decide to roll with it.I throw a little local flavor at them by having a shitter lower class bar run by fat ass triplet dwarves hire some thugs to try and extort money form them for "Stealin mah bussiness"

I expected them to handle it with assbeatings high fives and ale all around but instead they talk first get the name of the guys that hired them and then dispose of the goons before visiting the rival bar.They calmly come in plop the protection money right down on the dumbfound NPCs bar.They then proceed to deliver one of the most epic bar fight ass whippings in RPG history to all the staff and regulars and leave saying

"We're happy to pay you every month but this sorta things gonna happen all the time"

Well I have something though it isn't really a one lines, but meh.

Playing a dwarven fighter who worked as a mercenary in a new campaign meeting up in a tavern for a drink. Tavern is attacked so rag-tag group of Fighter, Cleric, Rogue, Druid and Sorceror get pissed about their drinks being disturbed.

Hob goblins with a giant are attacking said area carting people away. Giant has a cart strapped to it with barrels full of flammable stuff.

Rogue gets hit with two of these barrels.

Cleric exclaims "Stop trying to catch the explody flame barrels!"

Same campaign, but like a session later. We are fighting two rage drakes.

I decide to leap onto one of their backs since I was going toe to toe with it by myself.

DM had init trackers set up and someone read the name of these drakes.

"Does that say...Rape? Are these rape drakes?"

After pausing for a moment to watch a clip of hand banana Rape drake was born. It is currently my fighter's mount.

>Half orc barbarian
>Likes to use parts of defeated enemies as weapons
>Run into band of goblins
>"By the power of greyskull"
>Pummels them with decapitated head

NPC: "How could you do that?! What were you thinking?"

PC: "The answer to your first question is 'shut the fuck up'"

>Me: Playing a war bow-wielding Paladin
"I don't have time to waste casting Detect Evil, I cast Assume Evil as a free action and open fire."

>Me: Playing a terrible Tech-priestess who was rudely awakened by a servitor at her door.
"Do you know what fucking time it is!?! ...Seriously, what time is it? I'm too drunk to read the clock."

Currently playing with a melee class (warblade or something). He has made it his characters "thing" to seek as much glory as possible, and to boast loudly of his achievements to all he meet.

We have only had one session but so his introduction is still short. currently it goes:

"I AM THE GREAT WARRIOR SROLL B'TORY CRO. DESTROYER OF THE GREAT PSIONIC ARTIFACT IN CASTLE MELINDA, AND SLAYER OF A POLAR BEAR AND THREE DIRE WEASELS OF THE WASTES!"

And yes. He yells that.
Much lulz is had every time we meet a new npc.

>First session my current group played together (~3 years ago)
>One player is a HUGE /d/eviant, others are all innocents.
>Approach door to dungeon, find it locked.
>No Rogue in party.
Deviant: "I RAPE THE DOOR DOWN!!!"
>Long silence.
Me: Right.... Give me a tumble check?

>>15460680
Cool story bro.

>>15460680

>SROLL B'TORY CRO
>Hold the fuck on, isn't th--
>Cool Story Bro

One time we were fighting a pirate captain who was married to one of those rock people.

Basically my dwarf made a lot of one liners that I guess were sexual since she was a rock.
"I'm going to where her has a victory ring when I'm through with you!"

don't know if this counts as a one liner but our BBEG had stolen a piece of my wizard's soul and gaining the power to invade his dreams. he had a thing for riddles and asked if I knew any
"what falls all mountains, destroys kingdoms, changes the course of rivers, and kills all enemies"
The DM scoffed as did the BBEG "thats an old one, TIME"
"No" my wizard said " what falls all mountains, destroys kingdoms, changes the course of rivers, and kills all enemies....is ME"

DMing a casual game...

Player: Roll to shoot the deer with the crossbow... [Arbitrarily high number]
Me: Alright, the crossbow shoots out and hits the deer.
[Silence.... Followed by laughter]
Player: Alright, am I still holding the bolt at least?

>>15450824
Old Man Henderson is becoming a really annoying repost. Seriously, the story was pretty good, but hardly the be-all end-all of PCs or campaigns. Let it rest.

>I ain't even mad.

>If there are any girls on this boat I refuse to go on it.!

The party's paladin after being confronted with two of his greatest fears - women and boats.

I once played Shadowrun with a guy whose character could barely speak English, and what he did know was learned from classical movies. And by classic, I mean Pixar.

>Large, burly Swedish man singing "You've Got a Friend in Me" while he slaughters a room full of baddies.

>Gamma World
>Players are me, a giant android, and a friend of mine, a radioactive speedster from Brooklyn. He made a point to use a Brooklyn accent every time he was speaking in character
>Trying to find some buried treasure or something. I don't quite remember the exact situation
>Find the dig spot
>I realize neither of us has a shovel

Me: "Great, we're here but we don't have anything to dig with."
Him: "Well, we got a giant robot that doesn't get tired..."

>>15461948
Seconded

In other news, We were confronting some barbarians who had surrounded a hapless carriage. Being the gnome bard negotiator, I stepped forward, and said to the barbarians "Ho, Ruffians! Why don't you pick on someone HIS size!" while pointing at our gigantic Half-Orc Cleric standing next to me.

the party rogue and mage decide to fuck with the other half of the party. when the fight's almost through with the guards out front, the thief yells "Looks like you have this fight under control. We're going ahead! You guys find your own way in!"

they both bolt away from the fight, leaving the ranger, the barbarian/bard, and the druid to take on the last of the orcs. they run ahead, find the secret entrance they scouted, enter it, and lay all kinds of security they can think of on it. a barrier of ice, caltrops, locking the door with a wedged in spear. to top it off, the mage creates an illusion to guard the door
"What do you want it to be?"
"The Devil."
".....ok, fine."

rest of the party shows up at the door, the barbarian breaking it open when "what looks to all purposes to be The Devil himself leaps out and starts taking swings at ya"

they both takes swipes at eachother, missing repeatedly
Me (to ranger): "Ok, your move. What do you do?"
Ranger (with one-liner): "I'm ready to sit back and watch Chris fight The Devil alone."
Me: "That had better be the ONLY time I hear that line in this campaign!"

the party became a source of a lot of infighting in general. mischief at best, fatal violence at worst

*druid and thief get into a barfight that results in them finding a halfling possessed by a demon, fairly trouncing them both. fight gets outside, where they shout to the drow mage for help after he fell asleep studying (this being about midnight)
Thief: "HEY! Ulrus! Get out here and help us kill this hobbit!"
Ulrus: "...I go to the window, grumbling. I cast an illusion of a massive wolf and tell it to hunt down and attack my teammates."
Me: "...."
Ulrus: "Teach them to wake me up for this bullshit..."

the party later has to split up to solve a series of trials. the party only knew this because Ulrus was able to read the runes at the front archway. they're reunited, after Ulrus and the thief had to fight a pack of kobolds armed with shoddy weapons, including a rock, a bow made of twigs and vines, and suspiciously phallic club. Ulrus made very clear he was keeping the club
Ulrus: "Friends! I fear I have found more runes! We have one last trial that must be faced!" *holds up the penis-like weapon and stares at the druid* "Marcus has to eat this."
Thief: "I IMMEDIATELY TACKLE AND HOLD HIM DOWN!"

another time they fight a mercenary band hired to avenge their former BBEG. this includes a demon with empowered bladed gauntlets
Ulrus: "Can I take those off him?"
Me: "Well, yes, but there's also blades inside them. They're more or less attached to his forearms."
Ulrus: "Ok, cool. I'll pull them off him and any meat flesh left inside, I shuck out like a hermit crab."

given his moral compass at that point, we never got far enough in the game where he was feeling the taint that much

Playing Dark Heresy. We meet up with another of our Inquisitor's cells of Acolytes.

DM: As you walk into the room, a very attractive female guardsman with an eyepatch winks at you.
Buddy she winked at: I tip my hat at her
Me: Wait, she has an eyepatch and she winked at you? Are you sure she wasn't just blinking?

Riotous laughter for the next 5 minutes ensued.

"There's more where that came from!"

PC after getting one of his teeth knocked out.

>Get awarded quickly degrading drow loot in a steampunk-esque 3.5 campaign.
>Only one avid collector/scholar will buy them for a reasonable price.
DM: "Do you want to sell the jar with the minimized black oooze?"

Me: "Well yeah, what the hell are we going to do with a jar of something sentient that can eat through anythi- oh my god what am I saying?"

DM: "Too late. He gives you 20 gold for it."

Me: Okay.jpg

>Playing pathfinder
>Negotiating with BBEG
>negotiations go on for about an hour....
>all of a sudden, half orc barbarian rolls for patience
>Nat.....1
>Backed by a nat 1
>Barbarian is directly asked what he thinks of the situation and if he has any insight
>Barbarian responds; "I think dat.....SPEAR TO STOOPID FACE"
>Barbarian rolls a nat 20 on attack, backed by 19, backed by a 20 again
>Spear is only weapon party was allowed to have as bbeg wanted it
>Spear had a one use magical property, which was to true-death ANYTHING it was used on
>Magical attribute only worked if you used the "magical keyword" that only the BBEG knew.
>Party's Face when Spear major criticals and kills BBEG we were trying to diplomacy out of fighting.

So from there on all of our attacks, in any campaign, our rallying battlecry is "Spear to stupid face"

Still gets a chuckle out of us.

>Pathfinder game, 1st day
>4 first-time players, a 'that guy', and a drunk, shitty DM
>'That guy' playing sorcerer, annoys everyone.
>monk punches him in face, knocks him on his ass
"why did you hit me? I've got the highest charisma in the group. i'm like Jesus or something."
>Monk punches him again

>>15464572

Just a thought, but if the ooze could eat through anything, why was it still in the jar?

>>15465230
It is also sentient. Obviously, it exercised its prerogative since it wasn't hungry.

>group 'kills' a spectral dog
>slimes the ranger with ectoplasm
>rogue scoops up some of it, looks at it for a little bit, and then
"ECTOFIGHT!"

>Just because he's a horse doesn't mean he can't be a porn star.

God Damn, I love this thread

"How should I know!? I'm just a goddamn horse!"
-the druid trying to figure out which way to go to get out of magical darkness by asking his equally blind pony

Later on, the druid has just learned to speak to birds to scout out information on anywhere he is...
Thief: "Ugh! This shit again!" *pantomimes fighting*
"Marcus, we need a fireball!"
*chick struts*
"SQUAAAAAW!"

(Tech-Priest with 90% bionics is stuck in a air-lock with a deamon. He's threatening to push the emergency realease button when the Deamon tries to stop him with offers of power)

Deamon: "My gods can offer you ultimate power!"
Tech-Preist: "Hmmm.... Can they also allow me to breath in the void?"
Deamon: ........Uh, I don't-
Tech-Priest: HA-HA MINE CAN!!!!

(At which point, the Tech-Preist hits the button, throwing them both out into the void, where the Tech-Priest's bionics keep him alive until we can pick him up.)

>>15467902
that daemon is stupid as hell, I would've just said yes.

also I read the tech priest's voice while picturing stephen hawkings.

yeah...

raven talking to one of the wizard in the party.

"it was shiny"
"so what did it look like? was it important? how do you use it? how heavy was the defense and what's the best approach to get it?"

"IT WAS FUCKING SHINY!"

>Be fighting the BBEG
>Be a Fighter with a huge warhammer
>Be in a group of Magic-Gods, psionic-kings, and overall supernatural fuckers.
>Watch as BBEG is attacked with meteors, blasted with brilliant force, and overall fucked over by supernatural powers.
>BBEG still isn't dead
>Be my turn

"Hmm.... Well fellas, you know yur magic and yur "Brain-Force" be nice and all, but you know what?.... THERE AIN'T NOTHING LIKE A MAUL TO THE FACE"
>Roll to hit
>Critical
"BOOM-SHAKA-LAKA-LAKA-LAKA!!!!"
>BBEG dead

As they say in Altered Beasts
RISE FROM YOUR GRAVE

>>15471804
AND AGAIN

Another bump for good measure.

>>15458896
i lold harder than i should

>>15468085

>fighting giant evil demon nearly demigod that wields a freaking collosal weapon
>he seems to be loosing, down to his last 30HP
>"NO, THIS CANT BE HAPPENING, I BECAME A GOD!"
>be gnome cleric
"My god sends his blessings!"
>shoot the fucker with my last damage spell, maximised searing light
>40 damage
>giant evil demigod killed by a ray of light
"Wait, Im worshipping a neutral god, am I allowed to make lightrelated puns when I kill evil gods?"

"Roll for Stockholm Syndrome"

PC managed to rape an enemy town guard into becoming a cultist for him (a semi-demon by this point)

Sad part is that was the most normal part of the campaign

>>15476150
Why are you still in that campaign?

>>15476155

Despite the reaction image it was actually funny as shit, and it was a really fun campaign overall

not sure if counts...

talking to a friend about an upcoming Mass Effect campaign. hypotheticals come up

Me as DM: "The guard tells he can't let you by, that you're free to come back (renegade) when the boss is around but he'll likely..."
Friend: "I push that fucker off the ledge and make a badass pun about it!"

Well this is one for the books, we were at a temple containing the candles of all life with a sightless, mouth less woman who was for all intensive purposes, death personified. (In D&D 3.5 btw)

She basically would put out these candles which we realized were live going out. Needless to say we talked with her for a bit, she would nod pointed us to our candles one of which was curved so very... very strangely. Anywho at the end of this my brother, playing a wizard sees some wax on a pillar. He knuckles it with his well knuckle to form a slight indent.

And then he says in character: "Anytime you feel lonely, just knuckle the wax hole."

Cue our entire group in a fit of laughter for about a good five minutes.

<Starkad> "I swear, if you two don't stop, I'm turning this entire adventure around and going home."

Outburst after two of his fellow adventurers kept arguing.

>>15476219
I dun get it.

Also, did you ever find out why one of your guys' candle was curved?

You couldn't hit yer arse with a heat seeking missile!

I can too!

>Dice rolled

You miss.

> Be playing 3.5
> Roll up decent Sorcerer
> Play him as True Neutral half-drow who just wants to get power and money, but is too lazy to be actually evil
> Be fighting kobolds
> Critical hit a kobold, kill him to death
> "Hey DM, can I roll to intimidate?"
> "Sure thing, anon."
> Roll
> Natural 1
> Think of most ridiculous possible thing to say
> "I AM THE KOBOLD RAPIST, AND YOU ARE MY PREY!"

Now all my D&D friends call me the kobold rapist, regardless of the situation.

>>15476219
>intensive purposes
>He knuckles it with his well knuckle to form a slight indent

Party is crawling through caves and encounter a bit that goes underwater. Rogue athlete swims in to take a peek and is attacked by monsters in the pond.
Dreadfully dim Paladin decides to jump in to help Rogue, all whilst with crap swim score and full plate penalties.
Party objects, Paladin shouts back;
"Faith shall keep me floating!"

Thought it was funny.

DM Describing a very intricate scene: "...And the hall is massive with a crooved circular platform in the middle. Suspended in animation is a weirdly shaped pillar...
Player: Okay, that's what we're looking for. What does it look like?
DM: It looks almost liquid and it's slightly transparent, only it's solid and seems to radiate cold...
Player: So.... It's Ice?

GM for mutants and Masterminds.
GM: So your in a cavern, and there are stalagmites from the floor and stalactites from the ceiling....
Player 1: You got that backwards. Tites from the top, mites you might trip over.
GM: Really? Thanks, I'll remember that. And there are also stalagwrongs...
P2: What the heck are those?
GM: Well, those come out of the walls perpendicular to the floor and ceiling, and it might be dangerous to get smacked into the walls because of them.
Players general: Yeah, okay, we're good with that description....
GM: (Running with the stalag-siliness, to our amusement) Well, there are also some inverted stalgthings, ones that go into the side of the walls...
Me: That's called a 'hole'.

Got 2 extra hero points for making the entire group bust up laughing.

I desire moar!

banp

>Dnd 3.5
Emperor in our campaign world is like level 40 with a divine mandate to lead. Before one encounter, I asked him to give us his blessing on the endeavor. As we are fighting some demons in the ruins we were exploring, we are required to make a save for something, and I rolled poorly. I immediately shout out "The emperor protects!" and proceed to use my 1/day ability to reroll a save.
>19
Stunned silence followed by laughs

Can't believe this thread is still here
Awesome

Playing Dark Heresy.

Group's Moritat Assassin goes to interrogate a shady character at his home, knocks on the door and is let in. The man leaps from behind the door with a gun and our Moritat flips the fuck out, Furious Assaults, and cuts the gun to pieces with a power-sword before bifurcating the man with one strike that, as I recall, ignited him. (Righteous fury) The Moritat looks across the room and notices the man's terrified family huddled in a corner of the room, staring, petrified, at him and the burning, butchered remains of the father. with a perfectly cold expression, the Moritat asks the wife, "Is that your husband?"
"Y-y-yes..."
"He made a mistake."
The Moritat simply turns around and shuts the door behind him.

Since then, he has said almost exactly the same thing every time he does something extremely badass.

"I hate ninjas."

Thread still up? impressive.

"I hate humanity... It's as simple as that"

IN response to how I handled getting a city to hate magic and force a non-magic government to pop up in what is essentially a High Fantasy world.

Hint: It involved an Enchanter. And Mind Rape.

>Witty dialogue with some highwaymen setting up a "toll" on the road of "everything you have" to stall for time while the monk and rogue sneak out of the cart to ambush. Fighter is on the horse next to mine.
"Ah, I see these men think we need to pay them for protection, what say you to that?"
>Fighter quickdraws a crossbow, shooting the lead highwayman in the face, double criticals and nearly rolls max damage, killing him instantly.
"Sorry, I wasn't following any of that. I kill the criminal scum now, right?"

>Interrogating a "neutralized" guard aboard a space station we're trying to hack, things are going somewhat poorly for everyone involved, as these plans tend to go... Then our That Guy overhears the conversation when I'm promising safety if the guy tells us the passwords.
TG: "What? We don't have room for an extra guy. I thought we were gonna blow the entire station and be done with it."
Me: "Gee thanks, now not only will he NEVER talk, but you just told him half of the plan." *blam* "You're like some loudmouthed harbinger of death."

"I swear, if you shoot at us just one more time, I and all of my friends will bleed to death all over this nice clean floor."

Psychological shot in the dark, hoping to spare our lives by appealing to potential OCD.

"So uh, how are you going to tackle the racist brotherhood's evul headquarters? Sneaking in, full frontal assault?"

"Let's just fling a diseased dead cow filled with gunwpowder into it like we did in Westfall."

Best part is, it actually worked. I love the gameplay logic in Götterdämmerung, roll 95+ = You pretty much fucking win.

"Uuuuh... You single?"
The guys first encounter with a pretty damn gross zombie chick in 17th century England.
He lost an eye seconds later, ohohohoh~

>Götterdämmerung
What is this and why does it sound so amazing?

>>15484802

It sure is hard to google things.

>>15484802
It's becuase it's essentially Unknown Armies in the 18th century, with a fuckton of epic conspiracies. Oh, and it's Swedish :D!

the elf failed his will save vs suggestion

"the wall of ice tastes of strawberries!"

>>15484830

To be fair, if you stick Götterdämmerung into Google, most of the results are going to be about Wagner.

Had a half elf barb who talked to a deer skull.
We were storming an oil refinery like place to try to destroy it.

>rolled int to try to figure out a good plan
>nat 20 for a total of 23 a "good enough" roll according to our DM
>"Antler (the skull) says that the oil towers are crapy and that we should blow them up"
>groups fighter: "I have never taken advice from a skull before but There is always a first time for everything!'

>>15486393

Or the Hearts of Iron 2 1944 beginning.

I'm playing a Fire Half-Elemental Sorcerer. Me and our groups Gnome Rogue are patrolling a city we're in. Now for the longest time our Gnome had a habit of acting like a wannabe detective. All of a sudden we turn a corner and find a man dead on the ground, having taken a serious wound to the back.

I then look at the rogue and ask, "Wow, what happened to him?"
And he replies with, "Why, its elementary my dear elemental."
I then immediately set his pants on fire, then spent the rest of the time examining the body while the he ran around screaming for someone to save his family jewels for the fire.

In my defense he deserved it for a cheesy line like that.

Pathfinder game, I'm a Dwarf Bard, my buddy rolled up an Aquatic-bloodline, elvish sorceror. I call him "Fish". My character is designed to lie, steal and talk his way out of everything, Fish is my indentured, but well-meaning, servant. We also had a fighter (DMs girlfriend) but she was fairly quiet, in character.

Our party is traveling along, and we come across another group of travelers (in scrappy leather clothes, and wearing lots of swords). Also, their wagon has a broken wheel. Fish wants to help them, but then I (knowing bandits when I see them) spat this out:

"You can't trust these kind of people, Fish! I know these people, I AM these people!"

Another incident with these two was when the party fighter was talking to the mayor of a town we holed up in for the night.

Fighter: "I'm Lanalee, and this is Fish, and-"
Me: "His name isn't 'Fish', it's Caldur! Get it straight!"
Fish: "Thank you, sir!"
Me: "Shut up and introduce me, Fish."

>>15486675
Fantastic

Me (as GM): So there's a rogue POSSIBLY being held prisoner in the ruined mance.

Paladin: You said there were casks of ale in the pub's storage room right? I take it they're flamable?

Man, did he ever have to bullshit to avoid an alignment change after the resulting events.

>>15488660
>ale
>flamable

wat

Player 1: (Sarcastically) Do you think you've packed enough fusion blocks in there?

Player 2: Well I was saving this for an emergency, but you're right, best to make it a bakers dozen.

And that's how vampires were dealt with from then on

>>15488689
Correction. It was just drink/booze/alcohol/whatever of somekind. I typed ale for lack of a better word.

>>15488689
must be dwarven ale

>>15486675
please tell me he smoked a pipe or something.

>>15488815
There was probably some in there. I believe I said, "ale and other drinks."

I can't remember because it set of a chain of epic hijinks where the Half-Orc Fighter rolled some natural 20s to leap onto a rooftop from a guard tower (natural 20 for a perfect somersault), jump through the upstairs window (unnecessary natural 20 for a perfect handspring through the window without injury), then come walking out of the burning building with the rogue in tow, now even looking at the smouldering structure behind him (natural 20 on a roll for "being a badass").

The line that started it all was the one above, so I let the Pali off easy.

Dark Heresy, one of our party has been inflicted by a mutation that causes him to grow to space marine like proportions, but otherwise completely sane. Another has come into the possession of a high class bar in the hive.

Player 1: "I could be a bouncer. Never know when you could use an eight foot slab of meat."
Player 2: "If I wanted an eight foot slab of meat I'd drop my pants."

>>15489117
It'd be even better if Player 2 was the DH equivalent of gnome, halfling, or some other tiny race.

>>15490190
>implying squats

>>15490250
Or ratlings.

The Legend will never die

Indeed it shan't!

>Rogue Trader is 'negotiating' on the ground with the leader of a fledgling colony
>Decides it's time to strike some awe and fear
>Signals for a comm to be sent to the two Voidmasters and a Techpriest back on the ship to take out the leader's second in command who is standing on a tower a few hundred yards away with a rifle
>Voidmasters look around for something to fire out of the jury-rigged railgun in cargo
>The only candidates are several large steel barrels filled with an industrial quantity of one of the strongest forms of distilled Amasec known in this sector of space
>It takes both VM's roughly .23 nanoseconds to decide there is no way in hell they are parting with any of those
>Both promptly manhandle the Techpriest into the railgun and evacuate the hold
>Earth shattering boom
>What looks like a small comet flying straight for the guard tower
>CLANG
>WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT
>Tribal leader damn near shits himself
>Seneschal does some ear whispering
>RT smirks

"Deus Ex Machina".

>>15495942
I like that very much.