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  • File : 1307978152.jpg-(138 KB, 1000x1000, Elf coworker.jpg)
    138 KB Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:15 No.15252903  
    Elf Coworker, keeps staring at me, she's weirding me out to the point I can't finish the fucking TPS reports on time. Wut do?
    [spoiler]Fantasy Races, in a Modern Office Environment. Do it.[/spoiler]
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:16 No.15252914
    Fucking spoiler fail.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:18 No.15252928
    That skirt is not regulation length.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:18 No.15252930
    It's a paper thing. It's their latent treesense. 's why they use parchment. All that handling paper, it's like foreplay to them.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:19 No.15252942
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    Tell us more about your fantasies, Caller.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:20 No.15252951

    She wants to eat you, and suck the marrow from your bones. It's hunter-gatherer instinct; She sees you, she sees a particularly fat ape that looks rather edible.

    Last time I went drinking with my Dwarf co-worker, he got grumpier and grumpier; We'd made him designated driver, which was in retrospect a fucking bad choice. When he kicked off a brawl, I lost three teeth, and had to get my arm splinted.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:21 No.15252955
    See, that's what makes it even worse. Every time she moves, she flashes someone. If she'd even bother to dress professionally it'd make things so much easier.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:21 No.15252956
    Okay you know what? At least you don't have a company retreat coming up.

    Did I mention I work with a werewolf and we're staying over the full moon? Who thought this one up?
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:21 No.15252957
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    This is gonna be fun.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:21 No.15252958
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:21 No.15252959
    put on a luchadore mask yell "tu madre es una puta diablo" and put on your rapeface
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:22 No.15252965
    That is because your ziper is down and elf are know for doing odd staring to things that are embarrassing.

    Ok I'm making this up, but just ask her what is she looking with so much attention, is not like they are going to eat your eyes off if you ask.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:22 No.15252976
    Depends on the type of elf, actually. At least in my experience.

    Boy was that an awkward day at the office.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:23 No.15252980

    You made him the driver? What the fuck were you thinking?
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:23 No.15252985
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    Hot Safeguard school teacher, wat do?

    But bitch is completely nuts. Lost an arm last time she caught me sleeping during the lesson.

    Sure she has a soft side, though.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:23 No.15252986
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    Oh god, I managed to piss off The Squid. Tell me guys, how screwed am I?
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:24 No.15252991
    You made a Dwarf the designated driver? Who had that brilliant plan? I don't mean to be racist but...

    Well I wouldn't get between a dwarf and his booze
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:25 No.15253002
    Can anyone give me some advice on how to deal with kender?
    I walked in to start my new job this morning, and the guy in the next cubicle is a fucking kender.
    Bastard didn't even do or say anything, just stared at me and giggled.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:25 No.15253009
    Get a new cubicle.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:25 No.15253010

    Explosive Runes. On everything.

    It's the only goddamn way.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:25 No.15253011
    I would call 911 OP because she is about to collapse as her kidneys shut down.

    The reason for her sudden and inappropriate sexual displays is a imbalance in her brain chemistry brought on by acute copper build up.

    Look at her eyes, clearly she has Wilson's disease.
    >> Chocolate !DlvbCj8Jig 06/13/11(Mon)11:25 No.15253012
    Don't talk about my mom that way, you prick! It's not her fault that creepy half elf puts in uniform orders.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:26 No.15253013
    report him to your superiors, they'll slap him off.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:26 No.15253017



    But you're a goblin.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:26 No.15253020
    But she's the Bosses Daughter. Guess I might as well suck it up and do it.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:27 No.15253023
    Well for one thing, I sure hope you don't like thinking.

    It'll be hard after he eats your brain. Maybe you'll be lucky and he'll only eat the brain of your family.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:27 No.15253024
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    Your other coworker can't focus either; this elf is ruining his marriage, and the CEO is really riding him hard on missing these deadlines. This is it, he can't take it anymore-
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:27 No.15253025
    Dwarf drinking and driving? What did you want to die or something. Don't get me wrong but most dwarf I've meet are hard drinkers and not good at driving.

    Not trying to defend the short skirts of elf or their revealing blouses, but is not that bad really their kind are playful and when you live for centuries sexuality can turn into something irrelevant and a way to to make people jokes
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:27 No.15253027
    At least it isn't Lupis
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:28 No.15253032
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    >he wants elves to dress professionally
    Dude, why do you think so many elf chicks are in sales and marketing?
    My firm fired half the department and hired elves to replace them, and our sales went up 105% in the first month alone.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:28 No.15253033
    Y'know, I originally thought d20 modern was like DnD but set in a modernistic world, where swords have been dropped for guns and office workers and all that... Still dozens of races, magic, etc.

    I'm still wondering why nobody has made that.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:28 No.15253035
    >Elf coworker

    But that's no elf. And I don't think she'd be a good at office work because her curse would force her to release a virus on the company network every time she finishes a new program or something.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:29 No.15253040
    Yeah, how the hell did he get hired here anyway? That guy's an HR nightmare in the waiting.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:29 No.15253043
    I imagine Hell is like working in an office building, anyone share that sentiment?
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:30 No.15253046
    I heard something about somebody owing him a favor.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:30 No.15253049
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    She has no history of it in her family background and there is no abnormal bloodwork noting high copper percentage.

    Lupis fits better and we can treat it without endangering her life. Elves have a predisposition for multiphasal iris coloration.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:30 No.15253050
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    This is my boss.

    how screwed am I?
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:31 No.15253057
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    >>Letting those no good dark elves work here

    What the fuck is your company doing? Letting these mochas steal jobs meant for GOOD AMERICANS like Joe and Kareem and Hui and Jose!
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:31 No.15253059

    They used to live in forests. You don't wear that many clothes in the fucking jungle. I'm certainly not complaining, though.


    What, you mean Shadowrun?
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:31 No.15253060
    >half elf
    There's your answer, bro.
    Human board of executives trying to show how not-racist they are, but they don't want to promote anyone that can outlive them.
    Therefore, half elf managers, half elf managers everywhere.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:32 No.15253065
    I want to post the rape story of the dreni or... the blue girl with horns thing about signing petitions
    >> Chocolate !DlvbCj8Jig 06/13/11(Mon)11:32 No.15253066

    Hence the irony that is the fact I'm defending her somewhat slutty ways.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:32 No.15253068
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    Yes. Yes, 1001 and one times yes. In fact, isn't this sort of thing considered harsh by their standards?
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:32 No.15253070

    >Was going to be doing that for next campaign

    >Gnoll vs Hobgoblin turf wars
    >Formian costruction workers
    >Kobold mafia
    >Marauding Drow gangs
    >Dorf bikers
    >Shit will be so cash.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:32 No.15253071
    Okay important question.

    Is the pet human real? Or photoshopped.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:33 No.15253074
    Oh god, he's still looking at me.
    Just giggling...
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:34 No.15253082
    Do not leave your desk until after he does. Only when you're sure he's gone can you get up.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:34 No.15253085
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    Guys, our Chief Surgeon is a really swell guy, but he's having trouble with the sanitary department of the clinic, and I'd like to help him out, because he's really competent and all.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:34 No.15253086
    Yeah, I guess, although the department's boss is an Elf, and isn't one of the board members a vampire or something?
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:35 No.15253095
    I thought he was a lich. Him being a vampire would explain a lot though.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:35 No.15253096
    completely real, he's our former boss.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:38 No.15253124
    I have no idea how your firm works, but mine is human-owned.
    Unless the CEO is a changeling.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:38 No.15253127
    >Letting those no good dark elves work here

    At least Dark Elves know how to work. Our entire engineering staff is made of Orks. I swear I saw them sticking pellet guns to our main frame. When I asked him what he was doing all I got was "Not working, Mekboy say more dakka".

    What the hell does that even mean?
    >> Chocolate !DlvbCj8Jig 06/13/11(Mon)11:38 No.15253129
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    Stop sucking House's ass, Chase, or I'm gonna go to Cud'reshee about that whole interspecies interoffice shenanigans.
    >> Espagnoll !/5aJFFL8RI 06/13/11(Mon)11:38 No.15253130
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    Damn elves...someday I will get out of this fast food dead end job and show them how gnolls do business!
    >> Thatassholewritefag !!BWiOoj5xMLt 06/13/11(Mon)11:39 No.15253132
    An elf coworker?

    Lucky bastard. My immediate supervisor is a drow woman. Instead of casual firdays we have "pathetic human slave" days. We're expected to dress in rags refer to her as mistress and let her drag us about on chains.

    Everytime you don't do this she marks that shit so it affects your upcoming bonus and raise. Man fuck that.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:39 No.15253133
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    We cannot just IGNORE the other symptoms! Her co-workers said they were uncomfortable since she was seemingly having sexual stimulation in the workplace because of her breathing.

    What if she was just having trouble breathing? Her family a single generation back wore next to nothing but tribal and ritualistic leather. Her Pleurisy could be explained by sickle cell crisis.

    We need to give her a transfusion imminently from a healthy donor of. It explains the kidney failure and pain in her chest.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:40 No.15253137
    Yeah it does.
    Anyway, turns out I was using the wrong Template for the coversheet. They changed last month, but I didn't get the fucking memo, again, because the fucking mailserver went down. I swear, the guy they have running IT these days is an idiot, and much worse than the Gnome who he replaced.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:41 No.15253144
    I've got a hell of a problem here, and since this appears to be the place to talk about work related issues...

    My girlfriend just got hired for a marketing position. problem is, she's quite sensitive and hates anyone approaching her in an "inappropriate manner" That wouldn't be so bad alone but... wel... she's a banshee, and if she were to be put into an uncomfortable situation, she might scream, and I fear just how likely an uncomfortable situation may be in her new job. I'm worried she might get fired, but I'm far more worried she might end up severely injuring someone or worse. What do I do guys?
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:41 No.15253145
    Okay I have a question for you. How quickly can you find a new religion with fridays as a holy day?

    Or at least find a good excuse to not come in on fridays.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:42 No.15253150
    Hah, yes, with your Gnoll studies degree, you shall rule the business world!
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:42 No.15253151
    Hey, not every drow is like that.
    You just have to meet the ones who have lived in the city for more than two decades.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:45 No.15253163
    Yeah! and, besides, she's not a Drow, just dark skinned.
    >> Espagnoll !/5aJFFL8RI 06/13/11(Mon)11:45 No.15253165
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    Don't make me call my friends working in phone call operations and tell them you where being "gnollicist". Sure you wouldn't like the entire office suffer a collapse because nobody picks up the calls thanks to a gnoll strike.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:45 No.15253166
    My boss must be her sister or something, because she does the same thing.

    I love working overtime on Fridays...
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:45 No.15253167
    As long as she fills out the proper forms with HR, I'm pretty sure they can get the MagiTech department to rig up some kind of magical damper system for sounds above dangerous thresholds.
    At least, that's the way it worked at my old office when we had a banshee intern.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:46 No.15253172
    It definitely explains why they have us running to news stations about him all the time.

    I work in PR you see. What happened to the gnome? I kind of liked him. Sure he made my computer shoot lasers at me sometimes, but he was an okay guy.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:46 No.15253173
    Tell her to hurry up and go into the light. Damn undead shouldn't be taking jobs for the living anyway. I mean what's she need cash for in the first place? It's bad enough that I have to compete with elves and their damn "I've earned 4 PHDs in the last 300 years" when I'm applying. I don't need people rising from their graves too!
    >> Chocolate !DlvbCj8Jig 06/13/11(Mon)11:48 No.15253181
    I only work in janitorial, but the best thing would probably be to just try and keep her in a good mood before and after. She's lucky to have gotten a job, the whole undead segregation thing going on and all.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:48 No.15253182
    Your mistake is in assuming people would hire gnomes for anything but construction and minimum wage service jobs.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:48 No.15253183
    I dunno, everyone says dragonborn are bad news, but Rath is actually pretty cool. We go out drinking a lot and he's a blast to be around. Plus he covers for me when I'm late on reports. I keep telling him I'm gonna put him as barkeep when I open up my alehouse but he seems pretty fine with where he is right now. I'm kinda jealous of his inner peace, really.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:48 No.15253184
    Arcane Mark. I learned to apply it liberally to everything I owned when I had to share a house with a kender during university.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:49 No.15253189
    You guys got it lucky, my boss is a drow man. He seems nice enough but he's constantly on edge around everyone and if you so much as make him jump he docks your pay. I haven't recieved full pay in half a year because of this bastard. If that wasn't bad enough he always looks so fragile that any time you do make him jump you can't help but apologise and accept the pay dock out of fear that he'll burst into tears
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:49 No.15253191
         File1307980176.gif-(1.96 MB, 320x240, cell_phone_horror.gif)
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    Our boss has the most odd way of coming to work. He has this huge box full of cell phones, which he occasionally chucks more into. Then, in the morning, he calls one, and one of us answers, to confirm that it's him. Then we toss it in the microwave, set it to 4 minutes, and this happens.

    Having an Eldritch Horror for a boss is a numbing experience.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:50 No.15253195
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    Nope, you're just some jackass with a useless degree, like the rest of them.
    MFW: my Master of Statistics degree means I'm on the gravy train for life.
    >> Espagnoll !/5aJFFL8RI 06/13/11(Mon)11:50 No.15253197
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    Yeah, lucky thing gnolls aren't those micro midgets, eh?
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:50 No.15253198
    I'm a short guy very short, and I'm sick of getting confused by a halfling and getting asked why I'm using shoes
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:52 No.15253210
    I think he jumped ship or something, IIRC on to some Defense Sector or Engineering startup.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:52 No.15253212
    Fuck you, Human isn't my first language.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:53 No.15253216
    Woo. Another wannabe gangsta/barbarian. Got a huge gauge piercing in one ear yet, or won't your parents let you?

    I don't know which is worse, pups in a ghetto with no aspirations, or gnolls who made it out finding their kids think crime's cool and college is for chumps.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:54 No.15253224
    Sahuagin working the helpdesk phones. That is all.

    Jesus H Tittyfucking Christ that gif is gonna give me nightmares
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:54 No.15253226
    Roll with it, claim you're a halfling, and you can get hired at any halfling owned company. They practically only hire their own.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:55 No.15253230
    I would if I could but she's so darn determined to prove herself that she says she doesn't need one. It's not that I don't trust her, I just worry that she may be overestimating her resilience
    One, you a a discriminatory fuck and two, banshees are cursed, they can't go into the light.
    Last time someone told her to do that she cried, not a screaming cry, just a suft sobbing that took her hours to get over, it's people like you who make her undeaqth so difficult
    >> Espagnoll !/5aJFFL8RI 06/13/11(Mon)11:55 No.15253231
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    That is no fair! Gnolls are excluded of doing any master at college because they charge some senseless extra price for some absurd academical law related to us and goblinoids while elves and half elves have discounts.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:55 No.15253239
    There is much potential in this premise.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:57 No.15253248
    > Go to weekend retreat
    > Elf woman in Accounts Receivable has been staring at me all week
    > First think it's because I've grown beard
    > Scared she's going to eat me
    > She corners me behind canoe shed
    > Literally, I'm crying right now
    > She had a fucking Vampiric knife and everything
    > Gave me scars around penis "To remember"

    My boss is a dragon, my wife is a lamia, and the head of Humanoid Resources at my company is a Mind Flayer.

    What do?
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)11:57 No.15253251
    That's because gnolls are savages and security risks.
    Your kind has to take three pills every morning before they're stable enough to go to Starbucks without mauling somebody.
    >> Cuddy 06/13/11(Mon)11:59 No.15253268
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    >>15253133 It's too risky, I need more proves before authorizing to open her body.
    >> Sir Roland 06/13/11(Mon)12:00 No.15253274
    Humph! I tried getting a job at one of these modern companies...foolish exercise. Kept insisting that I wasn't "trained" for anything. I bet the humans were just afraid of me. I don't see why. All I am is a living suit of armor who enjoys using shotguns on occasion. I wasn't going to harm any of them.

    But I assure you, had your elf given me the wrong glance, I would ensure she never did so again.
    >> Chocolate !DlvbCj8Jig 06/13/11(Mon)12:00 No.15253275
    We're shortlived, and unlikely to finish or pay back sums, while elves and the like have forever to repay their debts.

    Also, racism.

    Hey, I have a M.D. And yet I'm stuck living with my adoptive milf elf mom, and working in a hospital as a damn monkey.
    >> Morris !!ya3+mb8OWlb 06/13/11(Mon)12:00 No.15253276
    [spoiler]OP here, fuck it, adopting tripcode.[/spoiler]
    So? You can still hunt around, or just pony up the extra cash. There's plenty of Student Aid around, even for Gnolls and Orcs, heck, my Academic Advisor was a Bugbear, and the department chair.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:00 No.15253277
    Hey, I got shuffled into an abroad subsidiary recently, and there's this human who keeps bringing up the weather on every lunch break, dropping all these innuendos about rainfall and thunderstorms. I'm honestly confused. Is it because I'm a Sky Elf? Is he coming on to me? I just nod non-commitally, but it's weirding me out. How do I find out what's going on without making things awkward? He's a genuinely nice guy, otherwise.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:01 No.15253283
    Talk to your wife first, so she understands, and your boss second.
    Your boss needs to know what happened, elves can't live like they're in the forests any more, if they want to live and work in civilisation, they're going to have to act civilised
    >> Espagnoll !/5aJFFL8RI 06/13/11(Mon)12:02 No.15253291
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    Oh, common, that is a racial stereotype! "Derp, gnolls are barbarians, herp, they are here for eat our children and rape our women".
    Man, I am more harmless than a chihuahua, back in high school even kobolds bullied me! If I was that alpha sure right now I would have all the drow and tiefling ass and pussy I wanted.
    >> Morris !!ya3+mb8OWlb 06/13/11(Mon)12:02 No.15253294
    Shit kiddo, I didn't think you had it that bad. You ever try looking for work with Doctors Without Borders or something?
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:04 No.15253300
    Where the hell did that idea come from, anyway? Halflings can wear shoes. It's just most non-custom-made shoes that fit are human kid-only sizes, and it's hard to be taken seriously when you're wearing a business suit and a pair of Ninja Turtle sneakers.
    >> Sir Roland 06/13/11(Mon)12:04 No.15253305

    And you're just a whiner. I don't even have a corporeal body and that hasn't stopped me from acquiring what you modern creatures dub "bitches". Use your intellect for once in your pitiful life!
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:05 No.15253317

    I think S'sasharass has noticed. We haven't slept together since then, and I can't show the weeping sores the dagger left. Plus, I'm pretty sure they spell out something in elven, and my wife can READ elven.

    Also, I think I read somewhere that lamias eat unfaithful husbands. Besides, is she going to BELIEVE that a level 15 Fighter got overpowered and sexually assaulted by a 90 pound elf chick? I mean, elf chicks are stronger when they're in heat, but I'm not going to stake my life on my wife knowing that.

    I'll be right back. The scars just opened up again.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:05 No.15253318
    Look - humans have terrible senses. No whiskers, even, terrible hearing, no sense of smell, night blind. When they natter on about obvious things, half the time it's trying to check they're not mistaken about it. He may genuinely just be worrying it'll rain, and his weak frame will freeze.

    Yeah, look into specialist student loans companies. There's a list on the GnollGoblinoidOgreandOtherAlliance site. Some will do varying rates depending on your background and college choice, but be aware a lot of them are assisted by helping colleges make positive action quotas. Not great finding out noone in class thinks you deserve to be there.

    Others are just willing to consider background checks a little wider. If that step-mom elf or w/e's willing to guarantee some of the debt repayments, that'd go a long way.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:06 No.15253322
    Oh lord. The memories.

    I tried to gain employment at a halfling engineering corporation when I was fresh out of uni. Managed to get through the interview with a disguise self and reduce person. They only found out after I tripped a detect magic spell on the main doorway on my way out.
    >> Morris !!ya3+mb8OWlb 06/13/11(Mon)12:06 No.15253327
    That he is.

    Yeah. That does take away from the whole image. Still, custom made? Damn, why not just order them online or something? There's got to be at least one site that just does shoes for Halflings.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:07 No.15253330
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    >>15253191 here.

    My boss wanted advice on how to better integrate the company, so he forcibly resurrected Abraham Lincoln.

    Now he's hanging around the office, staring over everyone's shoulders... and frankly, it's creeping me out.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:07 No.15253338
    >dropping innuendos
    Sounds like you already know whether he's coming onto you.
    You know humans though, they always think they're hilarious for coming up with lines like that.
    Try being an eladrin sometime.
    "Hey baby, how about you and I Fey Step out to my car?"
    "Are you from the Feywild? Because your ass is out of this world!"
    >> Chocolate !DlvbCj8Jig 06/13/11(Mon)12:09 No.15253349
    It ain't that bad. Mostly paid off my loans and such, only real shitty part is my mom ends up seducing most of the chicks I end up picking up.

    I... Am not even sure I'm not okay with that.

    Anyway, I live decent enough, besides, I get to play Warhammer and D&D alongside a decent homelife. So, the whole non doctor thing is fine.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:09 No.15253351

    Be glad you haven't got drow guys chasing after you. Crying and tying themselves up for you to play with them is their idea of flirting.

    It would be easier if I weren't a straight vampire and preferred virgin human and elven girls.
    >> Espagnoll !/5aJFFL8RI 06/13/11(Mon)12:09 No.15253352
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    Man, the G.G.O.O.A. only gives you loans if you are going to do a laws or a science related master or doctorate.
    Don't give the gnollbro false hopes.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:11 No.15253373
    yeah, but like anything else custom-made, they're expensive - my neighbor's a halfling, and a good quarter of her annual income goes to her wardrobe; she's a business dealer for a chemical company out of town, and with all the traveling she does, repairs and cleaning bills add up.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:11 No.15253375
    If you're not doing science related, you're doing it wrong. Next you'll tell me you want to do art or some stupid shit next.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:11 No.15253377
    This is such bullshit. Just got declined on my tenth job app this month.
    "You're not what we're looking for right now" my tail. Its blatant Naga racism. They think just because I'm covered in scales and cold-blooded I can't work with people?

    I'm starting to think I should go with my Dads advice and become a Life-Guard
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:11 No.15253378

    Dude, she wants to fuck.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:12 No.15253389
    If your wife can read elven she would probably know of the strength boost elves get, it's not exactly a secret anyway. You trust your wife don't you? Trust that she'll understand your situation.
    If she trusts you, she'll understand, although I have to warn you that the elf may be in a bit of a pickle if you don't get the authorities on her first.

    Hmm... I should probasbly try the same, I'm sure my girlfriend trusts me, and if I ask, she'll probably get that magic dampener. (I'm the guy with the banshee girlfriend)

    Thanks, you've helped me with my problem, I hope I helped with yours.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:12 No.15253391
    Once, a drow guy who I was flirting started jumping in front of my car when I pulled out of the parking lot.
    I think hurting themselves is how they show affection.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:13 No.15253406
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    >Complaining about office life

    Motherfuckers, you have no idea how lucky you are to have a job like that.

    Do you see this? Do you know what this is? This is Drill Sergeant 052.

    Its mission in life is to fuck up new recruits wherever it goes.

    It does not raise morale. It does not manage petty details. It is not a man.

    It's a motherfucking Warforged.

    You cannot disagree with the Warforged. The Warforged is never alone. It is always accompanied by other, more aggressive and violent Warforged, which are in turn accompanied by even more.

    When you see Drill Sergeant 052? You stand the fuck still. You salute your ass off, and hope that he doesn't put you on his list of shit he wants to fuck up that day.

    You stand there, wait for the Warforged to finish its business and move with its rampage, and you go the fuck home.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:14 No.15253408

    That's... so tasteless! Is that really what they say? Wow. But that's the thing, though - the hints my coworker is dropping are so subtle, I don't know if they're hints at all! Maybe he has no idea, or maybe he wants to be accomodating or something, I don't know. It's the first time I'm working with a human that's not Skyborn.

    I think I'll just ask him next time we go out for lembas and gyros.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:14 No.15253409
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    Jesus. This is why we need to imprison all those dirty fucking neo-Wood Elves. Every last one. Goddamn treehugging babyeating dickcutting rapist abominations, every last one.

    You need to come out to your wife about this. Either she eats you and puts you out of your misery or she'll understand and eat that elven skank. I mean. If Lamia do that whole eating thing. She might just give you a hug, tell you it's all okay and press charges on her. Either way, you can't hide that shit forever and that elf needs to pay one way or another for that transgression. I've never liked elves, but goddamn, that's GRUESOME.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:14 No.15253414
    That's because a whole lot of people have resurrected Lincoln. His soul is split between at least a hundred versions of himself.
    He is literally a fragment of his former self
    >> Chocolate !DlvbCj8Jig 06/13/11(Mon)12:14 No.15253415
    Have you tried putting in for that new commercial real estate Atlantis thing going on? I heard they're mainly hiring reptilians for a tax cut, and it's good biz.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:15 No.15253416
    I'm a damned Dwarf working in an Elf run cement company. These damned Elves wouldn't know good cement if it was in their own driveways! I take pride in my work keeping the barges and vacuums up and running and these Elves just sit in the workshop I built for the company(With my own money I might add) lazing about smoking that nasty herb while I do all the fucking work. And lets not even get started on my manager. The bitch complains that not enough is getting done and that I am slacking off, ME slacking off! I'm the only one at this damned terminal that knows how to operate the pumps to fill the barges. I need a new job away from those DAMNED ELVES!
    >> Espagnoll !/5aJFFL8RI 06/13/11(Mon)12:15 No.15253420
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    Gnollbros need to demonstrate they can do culture, you know? I am going to show gnolls can do better writing than eladrins or elves.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:16 No.15253427
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    My boss is THE creepiest motherfucker around. He follows EVERYONE who works for him all the time. Thing is, about a hundred or so people are in his corporation.

    I see him while I'm taking walks, outside my window at night, in the woods while I'm hunting...

    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:17 No.15253432
    Yeah, I heard that Adoph whats-his-name from that secong big war Humans had (sorry if names evade me, I was never good at History) can't be revived for similar reasons - so many folks tried to do it so often in so short a timeframe that his spirit basically disintegrated. Sad to hear Lincoln's not far from a similar fate.
    >> Sir Roland 06/13/11(Mon)12:17 No.15253433

    That sounds like a great job, actually. People confuse me for some prototype warforged anyway. Perhaps I should pretend I am just to destroy the nearby Wachovia.

    Expensive bastards.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:17 No.15253434
    Humans are all weird, but go for it anyways.
    Sounds like you need to branch out of your comfort zone.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:18 No.15253441
    Trust me, whatever you're going through, any undead you may know are going through it a hundred times worse.

    "Oh, you don't need to eat or sleep, why do you need a job?" It's the same fucking thing everywhere I go, no one ever wants to hire a lich.
    I guess I can understand them though, I freak myself out sometimes when I look in the mirror
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:18 No.15253444
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:19 No.15253454
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    Have you considered working for Northrop-Gromann? I hear that Gnomes are buying up their stock real fast, and they need good engineers for the new weaponry they have in mind.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:19 No.15253455
    No, that wasn't an accident. It was mostly in the '60s, when Necromancy was rising. There was an international treaty on it. Big nuclear/archmagical powers agreed a list of dead humans, elves and dark dwarves (note how noone thought a gnoll would be a problem) to repeatedly summon and put down worldwide until they were soul-destroyed.
    >> Espagnoll !/5aJFFL8RI 06/13/11(Mon)12:19 No.15253457
    My boss is a lich and she sexually harass me in the job by pinching my butt. I don't know what to do.
    >> Morris !!ya3+mb8OWlb 06/13/11(Mon)12:19 No.15253460
    Yeah, it could be worse, but she Swings both ways? I knew she was going out with that one guy for a good while, but damn. I can't help but feel sorry for you there.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:22 No.15253480
    Oh, yeah. You people all have it soooo haaaaard. Do any of you have to deal with idiots half your age calling you a child? No? Try being one of us elves who ISN'T over 150.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:23 No.15253490
    Sounds good man, trouble is I got a good relationship going where I am and I'm not sure I want to move.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:23 No.15253497
    Godsdamn, do it on your own time. Have you never heard of Mordenkainen's Hierarchy of Needs?

    I'll put it simply: Job first. Then fulfillment of your dreams. Who knows, maybe you'll end up combining the two.

    Hell, I wanted to do aerospace engineering, got stuck doing arcanotech and now I'm working with a APL on magical propulsion.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:24 No.15253498
    Make sure her fingers don't come off, that's what you fucking do.
    Suck it up and deal with it.
    I had a drow boss once who raped me every friday during lunch. You've go it easy
    >> Morris !!ya3+mb8OWlb 06/13/11(Mon)12:24 No.15253500
    Welcome to life in the fast food industry.
    You know, the Service might do you a whole lot of good. Paid for my Degrees, and got me a nice skill set. Heck, I'm still the only one in the department who knows how the damned print server works.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:24 No.15253510
    Rough moment at work yesterday. New girlfriend thought it would be cute to surprise me at work with a homecooked lunch (she's between jobs herself, so she had some freetime). Thing is, she's a halfling, and can sometimes be a little bit childish when frustrated. I think it's cute, but the front-door guards didn't think so - they kept telling the "little girl" to "go home to Mommy and let the adults work". I didn't find out about it until I got home.

    As if that wasn't bad enough, since my coworkers didn't know until then I was dating a halfling - I wasn't trying to hide it, the subject just simply hadn't come up before - now they're whispering behind my back, making "pedo" jokes. It embarasses me, but it hurts her, and I dunno what to do...
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:25 No.15253511
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    That sounds like a great job, actually

    You're fucking crazy. Like, balls-deep in it as I type this reply. My God, what are you even doing on the Internet.

    >prototype warforged

    Not even funny, I ran into one of those stealthy-types while I was on a leave of absence. Motherfucker provoked a fight, so I decked him.

    Turns out alcohol and rage are a pretty good combo for anesthetic, because I didn't even realize I'd broken my hand until he broke the other one by squeezing it.

    I'd say I won, if only because I managed to scratch the paint job.
    >> Urist McCement 06/13/11(Mon)12:25 No.15253512
    I swear next time I go to work I'm going to go in without any booze and I am going to throw a fucking tantrum. Unknown to them I set up "THAT" lever.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:25 No.15253513
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    >When Necromancy was rising
    >> Sir Roland 06/13/11(Mon)12:26 No.15253529

    Stab them with your hidden knife.

    Please tell me you have one on-hand.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:26 No.15253535
    Have you considered not dating a halfling?
    Seriously, there's something creepy about that, man.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:27 No.15253539
    Racist! RACIST!
    >> Morris !!ya3+mb8OWlb 06/13/11(Mon)12:27 No.15253540
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    Talk to HR, and get Sensitivity Training for EVERYBODY!
    A good week of that'll shut em up.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:28 No.15253548
    Shut up, you petulant little child.
    I bet you're not even in college yet.
    >> Urist McCement 06/13/11(Mon)12:28 No.15253553
    I just might do that, I've worked for this company before the Elves bought it out forty years ago... But honestly this company isn't what It used to be. I've worked for this place forty-five years and I'm only paid Twelve bucks an hour. My last raise was six years ago for twelve cents. How much is the starting pay?
    >> Sir Roland 06/13/11(Mon)12:28 No.15253554

    Like it's my fault humans don't know the difference between warforged and living armors. Perhaps you should replace your flesh with something more durable? Maybe then you wouldn't be wetting your trousers at the sight of these creatures.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:28 No.15253555
    Uhh, guy with the banshee girlfriend again...
    New problem, as it turns out, Sira has been "dieting" recently (read, starving herself in order to get thinner)
    She's not helping herself and she's looking wayyy too thin now, but worse than that is that she feeds on life force, and I don't know what I'd do if she starts draining me.
    How do I get her to stop this crazy diet?

    I wish I could be a better boyfriend to her
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:29 No.15253558
    How could you bang one of them? Not just the logistics of it but also the fact they all look so damn plain and childish.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:29 No.15253560

    I'll tell you what I'd do. I'd take me hammer to every last one of them sniggering sons of bitches. And then I'd get hit by so many lawsuits I'd drown in them. Fucken elves. Life was so much simpler back in New Boatmurdered.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:29 No.15253561
    Stop trying to justify the fact that you're putting your dick in something that looks like a child, pedophile.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:29 No.15253563
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    I started carrying a rifle to work. I'm pretty sure the Beholder in the cubicle next to me is planning on eating me.

    Nobody in the office even gives a fuck, though. They just say something about 'humans and their little weapons'.
    >> Espagnoll !/5aJFFL8RI 06/13/11(Mon)12:30 No.15253567
    I started to work out for get more bigger with the hope when she does that I didn't get paralyzed as usual. Also, she is half rotten and butt ugly as you can't imagine!
    The only thing I complain about are the employees under my management, mostly half-lings, always with their "I want to improve the recipe". You damn hairy midget, you can't improve the recipe, damn it! If the client wants a rust monster crispy surprise with cheese and nothing else don't put paprika and onions on it!.
    >> Morris !!ya3+mb8OWlb 06/13/11(Mon)12:30 No.15253568
    Dude, it was the sixties, everybody was doing weird shit, especially mages.
    It would not surprise me if someone tried to raise the concept of Necromancy, and put it in a body.
    >> Urist McCement 06/13/11(Mon)12:32 No.15253580
    For 200 bucks I will make you ++Masterwork Dwarven Full Auto Rifle++. I'm certified and in need of the money, rent is due next week.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:32 No.15253581
    Pretty sure if he wants to eat you, he'll do it regardless of the gun. They can be pretty set.
    >> Sir Roland 06/13/11(Mon)12:32 No.15253582

    Little weapons? Humanity has produced some of the finest killing tools imaginable. Oh, the day I used my first automatic rifle...I'll never forget it.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:32 No.15253583
    What really botters me is that the sindicate do nothong to protect us from this kind of abuse. You guys keep complaining about your office shit. Oh, how the world must be terrible above the tenth floor. Let me tell you, i've being driving and delivering copy machines for this company for 80 years. When i started, we used alcohol e mimeographs, and i used to delivered them in a wagon, up and down old manhattan. Now we have this dozens of trucks and this fancy warforgeds and nobody has to carry anything up anymore. On my days, it took seven, maybe six good goblins to take the shit upstairs and deliver, and now the big metal dudes can carry two of the big ones at once. You fancy high born brats have it easily! You got names! My dad used to call me number six.. That's rights, i used to be called Number Six Goblinson...Did i ever told yu about the time we have to deliver that crates on the other side of town and there was a dragon in the bridge? boy, those were the times...
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:33 No.15253584
    Yeah, I keep a revolver with cold iron, blessed, silver, and enchanted rounds in it at all times.
    You just never fucking know, man.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:33 No.15253592
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    I know common might not be your first language, but seriously? Do you not know what a pun is?
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:34 No.15253602

    I'm not supposed to talk about that... too much. It's more than double what you get paid now, though.

    If they don't want you (which I doubt; good engineers are rare these days), I'd suggest going to Black Mesa Labs. I heard they need help constructing a huge facility in the middle of the New Mexico desert.
    >> Thatassholewritefag !!BWiOoj5xMLt 06/13/11(Mon)12:35 No.15253606
    Well if you assholes didn;t take all the good construction jobs from good local born dwarven labor and learned to speak common like the rest of us you might get treated with a bit more respect.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:35 No.15253607
    I use to think it was silly to carry a gun, but those them a fucking orka stole my bike...I had it man. My roomate said it was a half-orc, and we should call them mordo-americans, but fuck that...He doesnt know shit cuz hes a fucking elf and he is high as fuck all the time and fuck his sister....
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:35 No.15253608
    Fucking human jokes.
    I don't understand them at all.
    Eladrin don't really have "wordplay."
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:36 No.15253615

    200 would be ripping you off. I'll give you 400.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:36 No.15253618
    Halfling here. Seriously, I hate this attitude. It's so goddamned annoying meeting ANY new people for any reason because of it.
    And it's not like that stupid nation-wide ban over halfling porn as a pedophilia supplement that they eventually had to take back for being fucking racist helped any.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:37 No.15253621
    Someone shat in my bin again.

    When I get that fucking gnome, I'm going to strangle him.
    >> Morris !!ya3+mb8OWlb 06/13/11(Mon)12:37 No.15253626
    Ten years in the service.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:37 No.15253629

    Screw you! I've got a bachelor's AND an American Spellcasting Association certification!
    >> Chocolate !DlvbCj8Jig 06/13/11(Mon)12:37 No.15253630
    I quote, "Once you get to the Matron stage, like on that Mass Effect game you like, really it's just us elves being who we are. Not my fault I like sex."

    Call me fucked up, but I'd tap that. You know, if we weren't legally related. Also, holy fuck, I had it good, except for some minor bull in high school (had this super racist math teacher who always said I was stealing calculators to sell) I never had that much go on due to race. Then again, I was Gobbo Omega Gobbo in college, and I went to Prichtar School of Medicine. Not ivy league, but Mom put me through to the Dean fast.
    >> Urist McCement 06/13/11(Mon)12:38 No.15253631
    I'll check this Northrop-Gromann fellow out. Frankly anything is better then this, I was hard pressed not to go back to pizza delivery. I don't even get dental here....
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:38 No.15253634
    That's why everyone should date inside their own species.
    >> Morris !!ya3+mb8OWlb 06/13/11(Mon)12:40 No.15253650
    Yeah you did. Honestly I'm kind of jealous.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:40 No.15253652
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    Marinesfag here. Ever since they started letting elves in, performance has shot way the fuck up. I just wish they'd find a specialty other than "Sniper" or "scout". I mean, really. At least they can shoot, unlike those orc grunts who just spray and pray.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:40 No.15253656
    While this is VERY racist, he has a point. If I had a dollar for every half-this-half-that I've mistaken for another race I'd be a rich man.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:41 No.15253658
    >bachelor's degree
    >American Spellcasting Association certification
    I said come back after college, not high school.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:41 No.15253662

    That just goes to show you've never met a single city elf in your life. Desert elves are also great, though I understand how they rub some people the wrong way.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:41 No.15253669

    You guys just don't understand. It's not about sex, though she is beautiful, and she's certainly not childlike, just small. She's as much of a woman as any "tallfolk" you'd ever meet, and just like them, insults and vulgar taunts hurt, even if they're directed at me, because she knows they're about her, about us.

    We care about each other too much to simply break up, but our choice of relationship doesn't deserve their assholery.

    And yeah, for you rational folks, I'm definitely bringing this up with HR. While I can take a few jokes and jibes like anyone else, their comments when they think I'm not aware are too much. If it helps, the two guard that initially kept her from passing the front door had been reported on misconduct in the past, so odds are this'll be their last straw before a firing.
    >> Urist McCement 06/13/11(Mon)12:42 No.15253676
    For 400 I will have it for you in twelve hours, Ever heard of McCement SmallArms. That was my Great Grandfathers business before the Dark Elves bought it out for 600 Bucks and a pint of Plump Helmet beer. He was not a clever man, but since the Dark Elf was a wizard I frankly do not think it was fair play.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:42 No.15253679
    I don't see how that matters unless they shouted the humour out of your brains.
    Everyone knows only the generalist wizards join that association.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:42 No.15253680
    The only reason the hwere even considering hire non dwarves to the buildings sites is bcause you guys do nothing but drink all day and the accident with death rate was up in the sky! Really, when it wasnt a drunk that walked of the plataform, it was a brawl in the twenth floor and a half dozen dwarves where thrown off. That's why the start hiring goblins...Also, those green bastards are willing to work to death for minimum wage, and legally they only need a six hours sleep.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:42 No.15253681
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    What IS the difference between living armor and a Warforged?

    Also, bro, it's not like terrified by these guys, it's just that they're crazy.

    Private Jenkins managed to talk one of the Warforged recruits into an arm wrestle. I kept telling him it'd end badly, but the bastard just kept going and going... next thing I know, they're at it, and Jenkins managed to pull the thing's arm out of socket.

    "Hmm," it said. "A fifteen-minute break. Repairs must be made. I will return."

    Granted, Jenkins is a wall of muscle, but I like to think everyone's capable of doing something like that.

    >mfw the engineers thought it was funny as hell
    >> Espagnoll !/5aJFFL8RI 06/13/11(Mon)12:42 No.15253682
    >MILF elf stepmother.
    Dude, that is more dangerous than having an homosexual minotaur friend.
    >> Morris !!ya3+mb8OWlb 06/13/11(Mon)12:43 No.15253689
    Heh he yeah, I remember them. Do they still issue NCOs with a thumping stick for getting them out of that Dakka-rapture? That thing was useful.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:44 No.15253698
    You're one of those thousand-year-old lich assholes, aren't you.
    >> Urist McCement 06/13/11(Mon)12:45 No.15253706
    That's why you don't hire the beardlings who can't handle their drink yet.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:45 No.15253709
    I heard about that - I mean, until meeting Lydia, I'd never really shown interest in halflings before, so I never actually saw any "pseudo-illegal" halfling erotica - but I read about the bitch of a firefight that controversy kicked up, so I can see where you're coming from.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:46 No.15253716
    I don't mean to sound racist here but as a doctor I feel that I must warn you.
    If a halfling woman gets pregnant by a human man (or a man of any other race that happens to be the same size or larger than a halfling) it can FUCK THEM UP!

    I had to treat a poor woman once who was carrying a child half her size. Poor thing was suffering from muscle strain, malnutrition and all sorts of problems. It's a miracle she managed to pull through in the end.

    Just a warning, friend, be very careful with sex
    >> CAT !!fzMkxxrtKt+ 06/13/11(Mon)12:46 No.15253721
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    As a matter of fact, yes. I buy all my ammunition from there, though the employees are kinda... dead on the inside. They never display emotion of ANY sort.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:47 No.15253732
    Our old battalion had an all-orc weapons company. Man, you've never seen so much fucking havoc wrought by so few grunts. And they could manpack (well, orcpack) all their shit. They still mostly rode around in their Humvees though - there's no drivers more passionate than orcs.

    I never once badmouthed those greenskinned sons of bitches again.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:48 No.15253746
    they have monsters in the book
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:48 No.15253748
    oh, don't worry, we take a good number of precautions. We've heard the "horror stories" enough to know better than to risk harm.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:49 No.15253749
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    All these fucking door ways are too fucking narrow.

    What the hell- I'm not even that large by minotaur standards.

    The fucking Trolls and Giants can bloody well get in.

    There has got to be atleast one other humanoid with horns in this building who knows what I'm talking about.
    >> Sir Roland 06/13/11(Mon)12:49 No.15253750

    I did not start my life as armor - many years ago, I served as a knight for an illustrious kingdom, but then I was slain in battle and my soul sealed within my armor. I was then sealed away for many years until reawakening in this modern era. Far more impressive than the era I was originally born in. We've managed to produce extremely powerful weapons, tanks, and this remarkable "KABOOM" cleaner. Truly extraordinary.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:49 No.15253753

    Of all the cross-racial dating I've seen, the one that actually made me angry and offended was a c.500 year old liche college professor hitting on co-eds. For the love of the good gods, if he was an equally old elf or something, I could understand hormones. If he was hitting on living women who were mature enough that they could have good conversations with him or something, that would be alright.

    But he was just hitting on chicks too young not to be wise to him. The stereotypical de Niro old-guy-hitting-on-young-woman dialled up to 11.

    Anyway, could rant about client issues, but attorney-client privilege and all that. I have to say, it's weird arguing from comparison with Euro law, where they laid things out constitutionally from the beginning on cultural/religious respect and what it does and doesn't require, rather than everything being, well, ad-hoc as things make it to court.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:49 No.15253755
    Fucking orcs brought back swagger sticks single-handedly. I don't want to sound racist, but half these orcs straight out of the ghettos won't listen to a word you say till you crack their skull. Like, literally crack that sloped motherfucker. Then they hang on your every word hoping you won't do it again. Then they refuse to learn how to shoot because they think stabbing something with a butcher's knife is the only manly way to fight. Never had a problem with kobolds or goblins, just orcs. Kobolds are the sneakiest little assholes you'll ever see, real spec-ops bastards. Goblins...like to blow shit up, simple as that. It's like a drug for them.
    >> Morris !!ya3+mb8OWlb 06/13/11(Mon)12:50 No.15253763
    You never served, did you?
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:50 No.15253764
    Nope, just an elf with real certifications.
    >> Espagnoll !/5aJFFL8RI 06/13/11(Mon)12:51 No.15253778
    >Humans mating with halflings.
    That would explain that platinum blonde/ sapphire blue eyes half-fling girl with boobs bigger than those of a pregnant drow and dat ass. Didn't see so many curves in my life.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:52 No.15253782
    Hey, don't badmouth the warforged. They can shoot, they listen to orders, and they are tough as hell to kill. Got one in my squad, actually, a huge adamant motherfucker who likes to call himself Ironwall. He's portable cover, heavy weapons crew, and battering ram all in one, and he's saved my life more than once. Now if only we could teach him to understand humor and we'd be golden.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:52 No.15253784
    A lich, hitting on coeds? Seriously? I can't even picture that - one would think the relevant anatomy would be long-ago withered and gone, so why'd he do it?
    >> Morris !!ya3+mb8OWlb 06/13/11(Mon)12:52 No.15253786
    Dude, She's his Adoptive mom, not Stepmom. Unless there was something I've missed in the last decade or so.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:53 No.15253793
    Hey, just stating my experiences. I guess we just got a lot of bad seeds for some reason, I dunno.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:54 No.15253801
    You'd be surprised at chat a sufficiently skilled mage can do in bed, even if you'd think he's too old to get it up anymore.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:54 No.15253802
    I've seen her on TV before... I heard she was really a gnome who'd gotten a lot of cosmetic surgery.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:54 No.15253805
    >at chat
    Sorry, at what.
    Typing in Human is hard.
    >> Espagnoll !/5aJFFL8RI 06/13/11(Mon)12:55 No.15253808
    Worse then! Really, I couldn't be around home alone if my adoptive mother was a wild elf or a drow. The sexual tension will give me an aneurysm!
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:55 No.15253811
    I've got a pretty strange problem. In Canada, we have higher regulations on magic use, so the Arcana Registration Board is a pretty big branch of the government, not helped by the recently growing paranoia about unregistered mages. Thing is, I'm an unregistered mage. It's nothing too serious; I only just learned how to put people to sleep for a couple of hours, and I know some other minor cantrips. This normally wouldn't phase me, because I'm used to doing things in the grey area of the law (mostly drugs and alcohol when I was a minor, I'm not some career criminal). Thing is, I recently got a job at the ARB branch in my hometown. It's just photocopying and other assistant work for now, but I'm getting more involved and there's potential for me moving up. If I disclose my abilities now, the way the law works is that I'll be on probation for double the time I spent unregistered (for me, 4 years). This will involve regular check-ins with the ARB, strict limits on magic use, and much higher penalties for any magic-related offense. If I don't disclose and continue to work at the ARB and move up the ranks, I could be subjecting the entire government to scandal if/when I get found out (not to mention probable jail time).

    What do?
    >> Urist McCement 06/13/11(Mon)12:55 No.15253818
    At least they have the decency to not change the loads in our McCement 72.Special too much. Not as powerful as real McCement ammo but it still does the job. When I was in the Tunnel Snake spec ops it always made me smile when I was made to carry a McCement Auto Pistol. Tunnel Snake 41st Ground strike force reporting! Caved in more Goblin strongholds then I care to admit.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:56 No.15253824
    Just got to say this. If she had breasts as big as a pregnant drow she would not be able to stand.
    My wife (who happens to be a drow) is currently eight months pregnant and each of her breasts are about the size of your average halfling, no exaggeration.
    >> Morris !!ya3+mb8OWlb 06/13/11(Mon)12:56 No.15253826
    Yeah, sounds like it. We had none of that going on in my old platoon.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:56 No.15253831
    > goblins

    Hey, if there's an S-1 or a G-1 reading this, I have a protip for you: don't ever let a goblin into EOD. Motherfuckers have no concept of colleteral damage. Or maybe they understand it perfectly, which makes it worse.
    >> Espagnoll !/5aJFFL8RI 06/13/11(Mon)12:56 No.15253832
    I still hit her with the might of angry Yeenoghu's flail.
    >> Chocolate !DlvbCj8Jig 06/13/11(Mon)12:57 No.15253839
    Adopted me, my real mom and dad split and ended up leaving me to orphan thanks to some drug abuse and sales charges.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:57 No.15253843

    I'm not badmouthing Warforged as a whole.

    Just Drill Sergeant 052 and his THE FLESH IS WEAK, THE BONE IS STRONG, WORK YOURSELVES TO THE BONE AND BECOME AS MIGHTY AS I policy. My mother always said I had a nice complexion and it would be a crime against humanity if I were to lose it.

    I'm willing to admit I may be biased.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:58 No.15253851
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    >>Like, literally crack that sloped motherfucker
    You racist piece of shit. You think all orcs are still stuck in the goddamned Bronze ages? Good Gruumsh, I've got a fucking Master's in Economics and have to deal with assholes like you every day. Do you know how it feels? Do you? I have a feeling you're a human who's never even talked to the orcs you serve with, it fits your story. And who put us in those ghettos to begin with? Humans, that's who. Humans and those fucking elf supremacists.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)12:58 No.15253852
    thats how the "really a tweaked-out gnome" rumors began.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:00 No.15253870
    Okay. Human/halfling relationships don't bother me. You *can* tell - you just need to look at the proportions.

    But half-halfings? God-fucking-damn that is the creepiest shit.
    >> Espagnoll !/5aJFFL8RI 06/13/11(Mon)13:00 No.15253880
    Bullshit! That only happens to female minotaurs or half ogres!
    >> Sir Roland 06/13/11(Mon)13:01 No.15253888

    He has the right idea, though. You'll never realize how much of a bother it was to eat, sleep, or defecate until you don't have to do so anymore.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:02 No.15253893

    Painting with a broad brush, are we? The Skyborn have no beef with orcs. Hell, there's a lot of earthbound humans who get along with orcs just fine. Take Russia, for one. Living in Siberia would be utterly miserable were it not for the orcs, and Russians recognize this.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:02 No.15253897
    When did you start your training and how many people know? Can't help you unless you tell me.
    >> Morris !!ya3+mb8OWlb 06/13/11(Mon)13:03 No.15253910
    Heck, my Platoon Sergeant back in the day was an Ork, and the cleverest sonova bitch I ever met.
    Hell, he was the perfect measure of an NCO, smart, scary as fuck, and almost omnipotently competent.
    >> Urist McCement 06/13/11(Mon)13:03 No.15253915
    Get off your high horse lady it's the truth, you never understand what it's like to work with them in hostile conditions until you actually do it. Now I've worked with some good Orcs in my time but for every good Orc there are two bad ones. Do all the studies you want but until you dig a trench under heavy Goblin machine gun fire pulling your Orc comrades in arms down when they hear gunfire and just HAVE to check it out then I won't take you seriously. I loved those greenskin bastards but they were dumb as bricks.
    >> That One Guy 06/13/11(Mon)13:04 No.15253918
    First year college of Arcane studies here.

    Where could I find a job in this fantasyscape? And don't say McOgres. I've got some standards, at least.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:04 No.15253921
    They actually take more after the human parent, usually - end up looking like gnome-sized halflings, and sometimes even get mistaken for skinny gnomes.

    Like that blonde bimbo we've been discussing - I can never remember her name - who rumors seem divided on if she's half-ling or just a gnome who'se gone under the scalpel a bit too much.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:04 No.15253922
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    But I like doing all of those things.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:04 No.15253930
    Nope, clearly you have not seen a pregnant drow before.

    Drow have lived in a society where one woman is expected to breastfeed for the children of many, generally the lowest woman on the social ladder in a family group. This led to drow prducing extreme amounts of milk during and after pregnancy, just in case they ended up being the breastfeeder.
    Horrid for me though, she blames me for her pregnancy (wasn't exactly planned) and as such I have to do anything and everything she can't do now thanks to her belly and/or breasts
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:05 No.15253934
    My manager is starting to creep me out. He micro-manages EVERYTHING, he's always in everyone's cubicles giving directions, making sure we do the work exactly the way he envisions. Recently he's been focusing on me exclusively. I swear he spends more time parked behind my chair than he does in his own office, and, frankly, his comments are bordering on harassment.

    The only problem is he's an illithid, and the first thing that's going to happen if I go to HR is get called a racist, and that's so far from the truth it's ridiculous. But really, having my manager perched over my right shoulder as I'm inputting redlines on these proposals, his rumbling breathing a constant din throughout the day, I think is making this a hostile work environment.

    The reason I post anything is, on Friday, he 'said' to me, ((Your performance is adequate.)) From him, that's pretty high praise; but it was the way he telepathed it, and I swear he put one of his mouth tentacles on my shoulder.

    I'm creeped out, wat do?
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:05 No.15253938
    >>Painting with a broad brush
    Apologists like you make me sick. For thousands of years you 'skyborn' prissy pants kept the orc people down and wallowing in the mud of barbarism. Now that we're free of that, guess who perpetuates the stereotypes of orcs being brutish and vicious barbarians with no sense of honor or honesty? Humans and elves, that's who, and dwarves to boot. You didn't grow up in a ghetto expected to amount to nothing more than another axe in a gang, you had every advantage. And I made it farther than you probably ever have, and who's looked down on? Me, that's who. It makes me sick
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:05 No.15253939
    A couple months back was when training started. Given the position, it was a day of following my boss around and him telling me what usually needs to be done. However, he's been talking to me about moving me up into a position where I'd be doing things actually related to the board's work. He seems to think I'm smart and capable, but I honestly think it's just because we're both extraplanar immigrants.

    I have two friends who practice with me that know, and one ex-girlfriend who might know but I'm not sure. We broke up on amicable terms and haven't really seen each other since, so I'm not sure she's a danger.
    >> CAT !!fzMkxxrtKt+ 06/13/11(Mon)13:06 No.15253945
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    Ignore him. The Non-Human Civil Rights bill is going to be passed through Congress before the end of the month, and the UN should adopt a nearly identical policy before the year's out.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:06 No.15253948

    Translation pays well, and has flexible hours. Arcane translation doubly so. Do you know any of the Forgotten and Forbidden tongues? I could set you up with a gig.

    (And before you ask, Forbidden tongues have been legalized in the EU last year.)
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:06 No.15253952
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    If you want to know why those news stories keep happening with "urban tribes" assaulting adult elves, you don't have to look any further than this guy.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:08 No.15253966
    Five elves and a bugbear tried to drown me in the levy behind Pacific Avenue because they saw me talking to a goblin.
    The little guy does my lawn, what the fuck? And when did the Bugbears join the elves?
    >> Chocolate !DlvbCj8Jig 06/13/11(Mon)13:08 No.15253969
    That sounds like that porno with Shavi Bushriel, when she was preggo and the whole gangbang scene. Drow porn is kind of vanilla extreme.
    >> Sir Roland 06/13/11(Mon)13:08 No.15253973

    You like defecating? What's wrong with you? I can understand eating, and even I miss the taste of meat, but then I realize it ends with having to remove waste from your body, which is an utter timesink.
    >> That One Guy 06/13/11(Mon)13:08 No.15253974
    I know basic runes and glyphs in an out, and I can translate some Deep language.

    I don't think I could work long on some of the more daunting texts like that, since it gives me a killer headache. You should have seen what happened to some of the other saps in my class. Now I know what that waver was for.
    >> Espagnoll !/5aJFFL8RI 06/13/11(Mon)13:09 No.15253975
    I can tell you she is half-fling, damn it, my gnoll scent sense is very accurate and I can tell the difference between a gnome and a half-fling, also I have five half-flings working in the restaurant and they told me she comes from a human mother and a halflo father.
    I think she is called Susan Bigraspberrypie.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:09 No.15253978
    Those fairies down by the watercooler won't fucking do any work.

    I swear they're trying to get me fucked by the Floor Supervisor.
    >> Morris !!ya3+mb8OWlb 06/13/11(Mon)13:09 No.15253981
    Well, as long as it doesn't include that Race-based affirmative action clause they've been discussing, and goes for a Blind Hiring and Needs based policy instead it should all be good.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:09 No.15253983
    The canadian arcane registry law has a tolerance day somewhere in april, you should look that up. Also, when yu do, please register. I mean, people dont take this magic stuff seriously enough. They say the canadians are paranoid about mages, but america had all reason to be so too. My father was one of the firemen that died when those Gnoll sorcerers from the middle east exploded the World Arcana Center in 9/11. Magic can be very dangerous and if you dont know who has it, you can have the proper security. Dont get me wrong, I'm not prejudicious, one of my best friends is a sorceres and i have a gnoll frend that plays wow with me called Hassam, he is alright. But ever since those adventurers killed the Sorcerer King Osama in the pakistanese dungeon, people thing magic is safe again and we dont have to worry more about the war of Arcane-Horror. We need to have a more efficent way to register and control mages, and I dont know whats the fuzz is and why people oppose to the creation of anti-magic fields on airports and malls, but that can save lifes! Someone cares to explain me how would that be bad in any way?
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:09 No.15253984
    Bugbears hate everything and everyone (believe me, I room with one and he'd be the first to admit it)
    They'll generally team up with those who hate the most others, which in this case was the elves.
    For bugbears it's in their nature, but this just goes to show what bastards elves can be
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:10 No.15253987

    Talk to a fucking lawyer. For fuck's sake. Not the whole public internet. I'm not qualified to give legal advice on Canadian law, and I'm sure not being paid by you for it, but from what I understand about Don't Display, Don't Pray, Don't Pay laws north of the border, if they have suspicion there's been unregistered or unlawful magic/metability use, they can drag you through the fucking Spanish Inquisition to check up on it, and I emphasise suspicion basis only. "Reasonable grounds" get suspended. Which makes sense in terms of hypnotic date rate or potential terrorism, but fuck all in terms of John Q Gnoll smelling booze on his boss's breath, pointing it out to HR, and finding himself fired.
    >> CAT !!fzMkxxrtKt+ 06/13/11(Mon)13:11 No.15253996
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    Sadly, I think it will. Too many bleeding-heart lefties are backing it to get that part removed from the bill.

    It's not perfect, but it'll be good enough... for now.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:11 No.15253998
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    Lady, you want to talk discrimination, talk bugbear. Orcs get on the news all the time with 'urban tribe violence among our children' and shit. But no one even talks about Bugbears, even though our problems are just as bad. It's like no one even knows we exist. Depressing shit, girl.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:12 No.15254008
    Drow porn is weird, yeah - I have yet to see a scene of any gender-combo with less than three participants; it's like the idea of one-on-one sex is a foreign concept to them. And Shavi... whoever first claimed elves have no bodyhair never saw her - I swear, it looks like she's glued a bunch of cottonballs to her crotch, it's so white and furry.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:12 No.15254010
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    There are more Bugbears on the federal stalker/sex offender index than there are humans, despite them only making up .01% of the registered population. They're instinctually oriented towards stealth.

    The Elves probably didn't know he was there. They can get up your ass without soap, they're the slipperiest buggers on the planet. That you saw it at all probably made its day.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:13 No.15254016

    That's gryphonshit and you know it. You people just love to bring up the N'Siri treaty and tear it out of context. Yes, the South tribes were punished for their part in the Five Year War. But they've done a lot of nasty shit themselves, if you've forgotten - and they were punished alone. All the other orc tribes were left in peace. And if I remember correctly it was not just the sky elves who signed the treaty, so I don't know why you're singling us out. Meanwhile the drow get away with all kinds of hate speech, just because it's culturally insensitive to shut them up.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:13 No.15254018
    Yeah, uhhh, I didn't see that.

    But I did see a picture of her pregnant, and the size of her breasts was pretty much average for a pregnant drow.
    I would never have believed that drow breasts could reach the size of minotaur breasts, but that assumption was killed pretty quickly.

    Still freaks me out a little bit, looks really unnatural doesn't it?
    Hope my wife doesn't find out I said that
    >> Sir Roland 06/13/11(Mon)13:13 No.15254022

    You know my favorite trick for getting fairies to do what I request? Poison mist. I know a mage who sells it in powder form. Handle it with gloves and it works beautifully. Often because they want to stop screaming "Help me, I am choking on poison mist".
    >> Espagnoll !/5aJFFL8RI 06/13/11(Mon)13:13 No.15254023
    I had a bugbear working here in the restaurant once, had to fire him after broke and waste more than 500 $ in sausage containers, mostly mustard in a single week.
    Also, the complains about hair in the burgers, damn it!
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:13 No.15254024
    Really? Fuck. I spent the past two years training HR to ignore race when hiring.

    Now I'm gonna have to undo all that. Great.
    >> Morris !!ya3+mb8OWlb 06/13/11(Mon)13:14 No.15254026
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    Yeah, all that'll end up doing is continuing the distinctions and all that bullshit, and it'll end up being even more divisive in the end.
    It's already bad enough that they've got Human, Dwarf and Elven parents up in arms over the bloody thing.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:14 No.15254028

    "Great leap for space program" they said. Sure. Except they still can't shape-shift the vessels without giving them personality. Have you ever served on a space vessel that's also nymphomaniac? The living walls...uh...I don't want to talk about it. And the fucking captain...he is engaged to that thing, I swear he is.

    So yeah, fuck wizards. The rockets were slow, but at least they didn't try to flirt with you...and didn't have tentacles.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:15 No.15254033
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    It's one of life's simple pleasures!

    Besides. It's time to yourself that can be spent reading a newspaper without a hundred thousand other things cropping up, because no one wants to talk to a guy on the shitter. Or time to just sit and blankly stare at the wall and zone out.

    I mean, seriously. Who can hate the rare opportunities in life when The Perfect Storm has been brewed, deep within, like some kind of Horrible Creature Mankind Was Not Meant To Know?
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:15 No.15254034
    Well I was just going to check if you were practicing from before the Canadian Hazardous Abilities Registration Act, but if you're extraplanar you really should know that you get exemptions. They haven't amended the original typo from "spellcasting abilities" to "spell-like abilities".

    Granted it's going to look odd to anyone outside, but I'm sure your boss will understand.
    >> Chocolate !DlvbCj8Jig 06/13/11(Mon)13:16 No.15254037
    Yeah, she has quite the bush, though that's the pun in her porn name.

    So says Chocolate Graciss, M.D.

    Also, hey, anyone interested in some D&D over the net?
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:16 No.15254039
    I am a bleeding-heart lefty and I still don't want it to go through.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:17 No.15254043
    scatmancer spotted
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:17 No.15254044
    Oh cry me a river. At least they make suits that orcs can wear.

    You ever see an Ogre in a business suit?

    That's because they don't COME BIG ENOUGH FOR THEM
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:17 No.15254050
    The drow have a long history of cooperating with the Tribes and you know it. They spout 'hate speech', as you call it, because the other elf groups have shat on them for thousands of years, just like they did for the Tribes. And you know as well as I do that I wasn't even talking about that damned treaty. I'm talking about the fucking tribal wars that happened every time we orcs looked like we were about to pull ourselves out of the gutter. Every time we tried to expand or build something of worth, humans and elves would form a coalition and stomp us back into the bronze age. It was only by cooperating with goblins, drow, bugbears, and hobgoblins that any of us were able to survive your genocidal attempts on our species.
    >> Sir Roland 06/13/11(Mon)13:18 No.15254059

    You...do realize you can do this without the need to expel waste, right? I realize you have no choice but to defecate when it is needed, but these activities you list can be done at any time.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:18 No.15254062
    My name isn't on here. I get what you're saying, but if the police followed up on every 13-year-old trying to sell drugs, every CP dump, and every unregistered mage they'd find on this site, it would be a hell of a lot less busy. But yeah, I'll talk to a lawyer.

    I always thought that was a myth...I've never heard anyone really talk about it.

    The anti-magic fields in public places are bad because so many hardworking, registered, taxpaying mages use an assortment of enchantments and magical items every day. Not to mention the magic items you will find in non-mage pockets. Until there is a more efficient way to deal with the problem of arcane terrorism without seriously and significantly hampering mages and non-mages alike, we can't just block out magic entirely.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:18 No.15254063
    Hah, I heard some schmuck suggest they buy at "large-size" stores for humans. Yeah, because an ogre totally looks like human fatty, not two meters of muscles.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:19 No.15254065
    I just dont see the point in D&D. Sure it fun to play a more realistic rpg from now and then, but D&D is just too...life-like to be fun. And i can't stand those elves that actually lived on the middle ages making corrections about historical facts. Much rather play gurps Only Humans universe, for example.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:19 No.15254071
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    I still think the sex offense thing is bullshit. How are you going to get on the stand as a bugbear and DENY that you snuck up on someone, and then didn't rape them?

    I mean really, look at it from a young Bugbear on the street's perspective. A woman accuses you of raping her. You deny, your friends call you a hobgoblin for not raping her. You agree, you go to prison, where you can rape ANYONE without being punished, and you come out a member of the Goblinoid Brotherhood, with all the tattoos that come with it. Odds are you get scooped up by the CIA to slit (and rape) throats in South America for a few years soon after, too.

    Living the stereotype actually works for bugbears. It's those decent individuals who try to rebel from tradition, and NOT rape and stalk and slit throats, who have to deal with the bias and bullshit from the rest of the world.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:20 No.15254074

    Yeah, you need special tailoring. Just like, oh, goblins, kobolds, lizardfolk, nagas and lamias, gnolls, larger orcs, smaller elves, halflings, dwarves, trolls, and fucking humans who didn't have the good fortune to be born in the 5-6.5 foot range.

    I know, there are some off the shelf lines for dwarves. But there are some for ogres, as I'm sure you're aware.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:20 No.15254079
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    >Quick trip to Arcanapedia
    >Magic Shit



    That is both disgusting and awesome and I never want to be one, but it would be awesome to hire one to prank someone else.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:20 No.15254080
    Well, I haven't had any of that kind of kinky sex before, although my wife did offer that sort of thing before, but I didn't want to do it (that killed the mood for that night I can tell you) I think she offered more for me than her anyway.
    Yeahh, I'm pretty sure it's just the porn that's weird like that


    By the way come someone archive this thread?
    I don't know how to do it
    >> Urist McCement 06/13/11(Mon)13:20 No.15254082
    I'm a greybeard from the Blackthorn Mountains, if you think I have not had to be with Orcs then I have nothing to say to you. I was in a primarily Orc gang for my beardling life before I joined the Army and started to really Dwarf up and make something of myself. I may not be rich, I may have a shit job. But I clawed my way out of that life and made an honest Greybeard of myself. The Orcs from the old gang have all died of old age by now but even with the opportunities the Humans, Dwarves and Elves gave the Orcs decided they would rather stay in the gangs and kill each other off. It's not because the Humans, Elves and Dwarves are "Keeping them down." Its because they won't let go of the old ways. I've seen it a thousand times, I've been part of it a thousand times. It is their own fault they are still living in the ghetto.
    >> Espagnoll !/5aJFFL8RI 06/13/11(Mon)13:20 No.15254083
    Steve Jackson is a racist and a human supremacist, I tell you!
    All his Infinite worlds campaign settings are about humans, humans and more humans!
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:21 No.15254090
    >>elves that actually lived on the middle ages making corrections about historical facts
    That's nothing. I once tried to do a loose interpretation of the Death of Schavalthrax the Black Terror in my D&D game. Little did I know one of my regulars was a silver dragon and had never seen fit to tell me. And his father had been in the Silver Flight against, you guessed it...Schavalthrax. It went exactly as you'd expect.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:22 No.15254099
    264 posts and 47 image replies omitted. Click Reply to view.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:22 No.15254103
    I tried getting into a D&D game once, and between the fact it ended up just feeling like my usual life with arrows and swords added, and the fact we had a That Elf who kept whining about inaccuracy in the manuals... ugh. Never again.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:22 No.15254104
    Why is it so fucking hard to get a non-human date in this city?
    The drow women are creepy and will probably cut your nuts off, the elves are either insane nymphomaniacs or will only date other elves, and the eladrin are the most stuck up bitches ever.
    >> Espagnoll !/5aJFFL8RI 06/13/11(Mon)13:23 No.15254109
    5' 5" gnoll here, never had that problem.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:23 No.15254113
    You know what they say, once you go orc...
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:23 No.15254117

    Right, right, I kid when I say it.

    In all seriousness, I spent twenty years learning to use my human body. It'd suck to spent twenty more learning how to use a different one, especially if I had to learn different excuses for being left alone for a little while.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:24 No.15254121
    I'm a little more sympathetic than that. Better a human writing about humans with honesty than trying to crowbar in bad racial stereotypes and token elves in an effort not to be accused of round-ear-washing the world.

    Of course, I thought the same thing about other authors who proceeded to open a can of human-supremacist shit at cons or interviews before.
    >> CAT !!fzMkxxrtKt+ 06/13/11(Mon)13:24 No.15254122

    ...I've seen people turned inside-out. I've seen men reduced to gutpiles within a fraction of a second. I've seen an illithid executing a death-row prisoner.

    ...but I have *NEVER* seen something as horrifying as THAT image.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:24 No.15254123
    Awesome mods doing your job, letting this stupid fetish shit sit here. Thanks guys.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:25 No.15254132
    Well. Its not just the terrorism. A friend's sister was raped by a mage in a party. He got away in trial because they could not prove it, she had no bruises because she was no fighting back, but she swears she was under some sort of dominating spell. She wuld never had sex with that guy. But court couldnt find arcane traces on her (after two months, i'd be surprise if they could) so the guy walked out free for lack of any proof. And there is that famous serial killer that used summoned creatures to kill for him. The Summoner of Central Park. He killed over 30 people before he was finally caught. Its just as a non-magical fellow here, I don't feel safe. Of course i like my Necklace of Bigger Penis working all the time (yes i bought one, dont judge me) and my ring of sustenance going off in and airport can lead me to spend a lot in food. But those are minor problems if i know i could be protect from bad intentioned spellcasters
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:25 No.15254137
    It gets worse, watch the movies. Brambo, the Bugbear who fought the Goblins in 'nam and JUST DON'T TURN IT OFF?

    I don't know how they can call that a documentary when he didn't even rape any of the police. You know the actor was thinking it, like the way he's looking at that guy who fell out of the helicopter. The sort of "he's probably still warm" look.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:25 No.15254138
    I am a spellcaster, though. I'm Gith, not Aasimar, and I don't have any crazy abilities because of my ancestry.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:25 No.15254140
    >>Stupid fetish shit
    You are a complete moron. This has little to do with sex, period, and is nerds having fun. Fuck off and find something else to nofun, we're enjoying ourselves here.
    >> Sir Roland 06/13/11(Mon)13:25 No.15254142

    Here's your excuse: "Leave me alone or I'll crack your skull open." There.
    >> Espagnoll !/5aJFFL8RI 06/13/11(Mon)13:26 No.15254144
    Yes, remember than time Gary said "All gnolls and ogres should be banned of come to Dragon Con"?
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:27 No.15254154

    Oh come the fuck on, you're bringing up the tribal wars? Does that mean I can counter with the Orc Scourge? Or how about that time dragons nearly wiped out everyone? You don't see anyone demanding justice for that, do you?

    The point is, you're making this huge issue and pinning it on all of man, elf or dwarf, when in fact it's really contained to the Americas. There's no orc ghettos in the sky. African dwarves are buddy-buddy with the black orcs. I mentioned Russia already.

    I'm not saying there's not an issue. The LA orc riots in 92 were fucking disgusting in the way there were handled. I just think you're lashing out at people who have nothing to do with it.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:27 No.15254159
    You did a D&D game featuring that piece of work and you expected -no one- to take offense, after all the people he killed? Shit, I've known dragonborn who go into a frothing rage if you so much as mention his name, never mind actual dragons.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:28 No.15254162

    Socially-acceptable excuses.

    Alternatively, excuses that won't get me court-martialed if I try to follow through with a superior officer.

    Alternatively alternatively, excuses that will both annoy and disgust people.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:28 No.15254164

    I'd point out you're short but I'm sure you know...

    I mean, I'm 7'7" and I wasn't able to make the starting squad at college b-ball. You know the average height for a gnoll male is 7'2" in the US, but I'm average for a second-generation immigrant. I mean, my sister's 8' for crissake.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:28 No.15254165
    I remember that

    Shit went down didn't it? I really did not expect the outcry that came from that.
    I'm quite proud of it though, I was able to go to dragoncon with my best friend (an ogre) like I had planned
    >> Morris !!ya3+mb8OWlb 06/13/11(Mon)13:28 No.15254166
    Wasn't that right after the great Trekkie bitch-fight of '86?
    >> Sir Roland 06/13/11(Mon)13:30 No.15254178

    What's not disgusting about "I will crack your skull open"?

    Mention using their brains to scrub toilets. I don't know.
    >> Chocolate !DlvbCj8Jig 06/13/11(Mon)13:30 No.15254182
    I dated a gnoll once, fun girl, but she liked fancy dinners too much.

    That, and her friends were all ghetto fab.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:31 No.15254193
    Don't even get me started on how racist that show is. Klingons are obvious orc stereotypes, Vulcans are elves they didn't even get right, and so forth. It's chock full of half-baked stereotypes that no one before it even cooked up, and set back our rights by a decade.
    >> Morris !!ya3+mb8OWlb 06/13/11(Mon)13:31 No.15254194
    Also, Archived, but I fucked up the Tags. What the fuck is it with me and those things? Anyone know how to fix them?
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:31 No.15254196
    If you're willing to give up your civil liberties for your security, then there's really not a whole lot I can say to you. If you really don't care that much, get an antimagic field put around you for all I care. Just don't force the rest of the world to deal with your paranoia.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:32 No.15254200
    I used to know a gnoll in college... poor girl offed herself a couple weeks before graduation, just couldn't take all the "tranny" accusations from other girls. Dumb bitches were too clueless to realize that's how she was born and too stubborn to stop mocking her.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:33 No.15254208
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    I swear I'm going to skip work every time the fire elemental or her pal the balrog are in.

    They are always "borrowing" my stuff. I've lost track of the number of expensive pens I've had returned as smoking mush.

    Not to mention the reek of burning leather and plastic from what's left of their chairs.

    Apparently they are even exempt from the "no smoking indoors" law, something to do with equal rights and racial discrimination.

    Now don't get me wrong I don't hate hot chicks, they work as hard as anyone else, but fuck the company need to see about heat proofing the whole office!
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:33 No.15254212
    I had a fire elemental fuck-buddy once.

    It went well, up until I forgot my ring of fire resistance.
    After I got out of the hospital we stopped sleeping together, and we're better friends for it
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:34 No.15254218
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    Anyone else remember the shenanigans with the Statue of Liberty that one wizard pulled off to protest the arrest of Magus McCreedy?
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:35 No.15254225
    Tell me about it. I almost lost a friend because she was getting it on with some azer guy. They really need to expand sex ed in schools so this shit doesn't happen so often.
    >> Morris !!ya3+mb8OWlb 06/13/11(Mon)13:35 No.15254226
    Yeah, but when you've got a slapfight breaking out between a couple of Orcs over whose's more like the Captain that escalates to a full blown riot, that's some notable shit.
    You've got to admit, casting that Shutnork guy for captain was a good thing. Even if he's IMO too much of a Ham on stage.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:35 No.15254228

    Haha, yeah. The great world tour of the Statue of Liberty. I was staying in Berlin when it popped up there.
    >> Espagnoll !/5aJFFL8RI 06/13/11(Mon)13:35 No.15254229
    Yeah, there is a legend about some guy tried to do a sequel to that series in the late 80s. People say the guy was fired but some gnome at Paramount keep the scripts.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:36 No.15254232
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    So, guys, I just started dating this really cute girl who I really get along with well. Except she's a succubus and her dad's a glabrezu. Are there any big pitfalls I need to be aware of? I know he gets rather...intense about protecting his 'little girl', but that seems fairly normal. I mean, she seems like a great gal, and I don't want to screw it up. Any advice?
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:36 No.15254234
    Do I ever, I saw the statue of liberty every day at work, that shit had me giggling every time I looked out my window for a month
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:38 No.15254246
    Hey, americunts. eurofag here. I'm a paladin, according to my last proeficiency exam, considered a level 15 by the European Union standarts. I'm thinking about moving to america to get my business going, but my friends always tell me there is not much to do in the "battle agaisnt evil" scene there, and so on. But truth be told, here in europe its a dying business. There is no dungeon unexplored (most of them are already sightseeing spots) and everything terrible already awake and almost destroyed eveything like, centuries ago. Honestly, after the Fuher-Lich fiasco on germany, there is literally NONE evil to be fought here, just pick-pockets and drug-dealers. If a fellow american paladin can show me the ropes, i'd be glad. May pelor shine upon you!
    >> Espagnoll !/5aJFFL8RI 06/13/11(Mon)13:38 No.15254250
    Oh and that reminds me about the legend George Lucas was going to do a third movie for the Star Wars series called Revenge of the Jedi before the gorgon incident and the ranch.
    I still want to know if Darth Vader was Luke's father and how all the civil war thing ends.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:38 No.15254251
    I was in Tokyo at the time. I'll never forget how the Tarrasque mistook its walk for a mating dance and tried to copulate with it. As much as I'd like to.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:39 No.15254252
    You're dating a succubus? I hope you enjoy dying a little every time you kiss. It's either that or a relationship with no physical contact beyond hugs and held hands.

    If you want my advice, unless you're at least part demonic or draconic, break up with her. It's either going to be extremely dangerous or extremely boring. You just started dating her, so it shouldn't be that big of a deal.

    Be careful of how you break up with her if her dad's as protective as you say.
    >> Chocolate !DlvbCj8Jig 06/13/11(Mon)13:39 No.15254254
    Celestial Contraceptives are your friend. Also, don't fuck up.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:39 No.15254258
    >May pelor shine upon you!
    Keep in the church man!
    >> CAT !!fzMkxxrtKt+ 06/13/11(Mon)13:40 No.15254261
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    If you value your soul, ensure that you have a reliable method of instantly offing yourself.

    You know, just in case you anger him.

    captcha: song formaiming
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:40 No.15254264
    No smiting evil business in America? Hell the fuck lo, it's called the army. Join that shit and get sent off to the middle east, and you'll be fighting more evil and chaos than you can shake a stick at.
    >> Morris !!ya3+mb8OWlb 06/13/11(Mon)13:41 No.15254270
    Someone leaked the script for it last year. It was pretty good.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:42 No.15254275
    >>Her dad is a Glabrezu
    Half-demon here. Abort, man, abort! Nothing good can come of this, and he is going to eat you alive the second you fuck up, literally. Not worth it, period. Shack up with a tiefling instead, they're much easier to manage.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:42 No.15254276

    Society's mostly complacent about Evil here, until it happens to one of them. That said, it's happening to at least one person at any given moment, so you might get something going for you here.

    Just a tip from a friend, though. You'll get fuck-all done if you sign up with any sort of organization. Better to pick up a job and fund your own nightly excursions.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:42 No.15254278
    Date any undead or demonic being and you run the same risk. If they love you though, it shouldn't be a problem, they only drain when they want to drain.
    >> Espagnoll !/5aJFFL8RI 06/13/11(Mon)13:42 No.15254282
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    Oh? Did you read it?!
    Care to tell more, please?
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:43 No.15254285
    Githzerai or Githyanki? Either way they probably already expect you to have some skill in the arts. You guys are famous for gishes, after all. I bet they wouldn't bat an eyelid when you fill out the exemptions request form. (Which, by the way, you are still entitled to)
    Death ward. Death ward. Death ward. I really wish people wouldn't forget that. It's how my mother almost killed my father.
    You know, I already archived under separate tags. You overrode it. Type "roleplay, elf, office" etc. with spaces in between the comma and the next word. I'll resubmit the archive.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:44 No.15254297
    I saw leaked news clips of that on scryTube. Funny as hell of you ask me, like a dog trying to hump someone's discarded shoe.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:44 No.15254302
    >>Unless you're part demonic
    Tiefling, in fact, something like 1/64th demon on my dad's side. Mostly I just get red eyes and a brooding look out of it. Plus the little horns.

    What's so bad about glabrezu, man?
    >> Sir Roland 06/13/11(Mon)13:44 No.15254304

    Blessed bullets work well if he tries anything suspicious.

    And he will.
    >> Morris !!ya3+mb8OWlb 06/13/11(Mon)13:44 No.15254306
    Just search Star Wars III on /rs/. It should still be on there. The Ending is quite impressive.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:45 No.15254309
    That's a myth buddy. Draining life energy is like breathing and eating. If you date a succubus and she is nto draining you. Bad news, she is draining SOMEONE. They have too really. That's why there are so many of that perveted-suicidal websites like www.letmediefucking.com or www.thelastnight.uk
    >> Chocolate !DlvbCj8Jig 06/13/11(Mon)13:45 No.15254312
    Fancy ass class system. Can't even get real damn jobs.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:46 No.15254318
    OHshit I need help
    Does anyone know anything about drow food?
    My wife is craving something called "cragletheri" and she's getting quite impatient.
    I don't know what cragletheri is! Help!
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:47 No.15254331
    Samefag here. My roomate just told me the level exams standarts in america are different. Is there someway to know before hand what would be my "leve" there? Thanks!
    >> CAT !!fzMkxxrtKt+ 06/13/11(Mon)13:47 No.15254332
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    If you're born with Wizard Slayer genetics, you've got a job with any number of PMC's or governmental organizations.
    >> Espagnoll !/5aJFFL8RI 06/13/11(Mon)13:47 No.15254333
    >Yoda dies in bed.
    >Leia is Luke's sister.
    >Another Death Star
    >Luke taking the mask of Darth Vader
    What the hell?
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:48 No.15254347
    > cragletheri

    Oh shit, son. That's not food.

    This will either end happily, or I'll be reading about you in the news tomorroe.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:49 No.15254351
    Well, they're always draining some life, but they can drain it from basically anything living can't they?
    Sira used to drain plants for dinner before she started her diet, and she's never drained me (I know, I saw a doctor to make sure)
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:49 No.15254352
    Why would I want to shoot my girlfriend's father? That'd kill the relationship dead, so to speak.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:49 No.15254357
    >But truth be told, here in europe its a dying business.
    Because you western faggots are too wimp to get your asses to the eastern borders. Dying buisness? There's always job offers for paladins and war mages to sign up for the Limes Command. Of course we go through fifty, sixty pallies during the summer when the hordes of mad Goddess move west, and all the mages have 6-month leave to recuperate after the usual August offensive. And you know you'll never run out of targets, she is a fertility deity after all, mad or not.
    >> Morris !!ya3+mb8OWlb 06/13/11(Mon)13:50 No.15254365
    It's pretty much a Chicken and Mushroom Omelet drenched in that Spicy Pickled radish sort of sauce.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:51 No.15254373

    I hold a job as a janitor for Sun Microsystems. I don't get how any of the computer stuff works, but they don't pay me to do that.

    With a little practice, though, you can easily make a mop double as a polearm, something the security guards here appreciate when someone becomes unruly.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:51 No.15254376
    Last I heard, you guys still had your hands full with Pripyat. Or did you finally hand that over to the clerics?
    >> Urist McCement 06/13/11(Mon)13:51 No.15254377
    Have fun! Yank those pants down boy and let her go at it. They get those cravings once a year and when they do you will end up one exhausted fella. The sooner you do it the less chance you have of ending up with bite marks you know where. It's my favorite time of the year.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:52 No.15254383
    You pigheaded idiot. No one buys into your outdated morality system anymore, and you know it. What is 'evil'? Is it evil for me to have extended my lifespan using undeath? Your church would have you think so. Is my best and oldest friend evil simply for being born a demon? Your church thinks so. Is it right to kill someone just for being 'evil'? Your church thinks so. Your outdated, idiotic morality system is dying, and the world is better for it.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:52 No.15254392

    That's not all of it.

    Damn, I wish I could help you out more, but I can't. Wards and Eternal Binds and all that.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:53 No.15254394
    he said "cragletheri", not "cargelrethi". Pay closer attention.
    >> Chocolate !DlvbCj8Jig 06/13/11(Mon)13:53 No.15254395
    This man is not completely lying to you. Cragletheri is slang for "breakfast in bed."
    >> Urist McCement 06/13/11(Mon)13:54 No.15254411
    You are thinking of croglethrin.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:54 No.15254413
    oh... OH...
    I was being a big insensitive idiot now wasn't I?
    Alright, better get this over with before she attacks me.
    Seeya /tg/
    >> Sir Roland 06/13/11(Mon)13:54 No.15254415

    I look forward to seeing how YOU deal with one, then.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:55 No.15254419
    and trust me, you WILL be needing to keep your protein levels up... and you probably will walk funny for a couple days afterward.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:55 No.15254425

    Actually, you are.

    Moonspeak's damn confusing, innit.
    >> Morris !!ya3+mb8OWlb 06/13/11(Mon)13:56 No.15254427
    No. this is my Ex girlfriend's idea of a practical joke raising it's ugly head again.
    >> Urist McCement 06/13/11(Mon)13:57 No.15254434
    Still don't have it down all the way even after sixty years. But cragletheri is my favorite word.
    >> Morris !!ya3+mb8OWlb 06/13/11(Mon)13:57 No.15254436
    err, shit, wrong link.
    >> Chocolate !DlvbCj8Jig 06/13/11(Mon)13:57 No.15254443
    You don't have the Mystik Mop series with the hold person wand built in? Best money saver ever, janitorial security go!

    The paperwork to get one was nuts, though. Didn't take as long to get my damn firearms and closed carry licenses.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:58 No.15254451
    Still better than Aboleth. I took that shit for an elective in college and I still get these weird headaches. Shit man was not meant to know and all.
    >> i browse 4chan at work 06/13/11(Mon)13:59 No.15254453
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    you are startled back to reality when your cruel illithid boss comes to you with a complaint
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:59 No.15254457

    Janitor-din here.

    Uncertain. I never took the exam. From what I recall hearing from a few friends, though, it's mostly the same.


    Some people are born that way. Others are born knowing the light of Good and don't particularly care about morality systems so much as they care about not letting Evil destroy people.

    Personally, I'm fairly relaxed. The moment it becomes a problem for someone else is the moment I begin to care. Paladinhood is more or less running in my bloodline like diabetes in fat people. If I could make it go away, I might do just that...

    But then I'd find myself fighting the good fight again in a week, so it'd be a waste of time to deny what I am and what I was born to do.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)13:59 No.15254459
    see, that's why I never bothered to try learning Drowish. When mixing a couple syllables can mean confusing a fancy breakfast with a sexual marathon, it's too much. I'd hate to think I was asking my mother-in-law to pass the salt and find out the hard way I accidentally called her entire bloodline a string of lumpy-breasted anal whores.
    >> Urist McCement 06/13/11(Mon)14:00 No.15254465
    Couldn't get into college but I've got English and Dwarven down. I have a rough understanding of Drow, enough to know when the wife is on the rag.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)14:00 No.15254467
    You will never know any product as awesome as the Mystik Mop of Flying. Looks like shit, cleans like a dream, hits 0 to 80 in thirty seconds in magic-rich areas. Worth every penny.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)14:00 No.15254471
    Hey man, its not that complicated really. I saw some good demons in my time. Evil is easy to define. Actually we learn in paladin academy, to detect it. Its like a smell. When someone has it, it has it. And pelor doesnt not tell us to go smite-shooting people on the street. Sometimes I detect evil on people that are not evil os essence. You are stuck thinking on what the order and the church did on the middle ages, but that time is gone. We now have protocols and shit. We only smite when its need to prevent a evil act, or when we caught some evil doer plotting it, or right after it. So if you are sacrificing your own soul for eternal life, there is no problem, although you prolly violated some laws to get your hands in what you need to do it. But if i see someone using someone's dead relative as a zombie, i'll have to act. I mean, what if it was your father or sister raised from the dead to serve tea, or being part of a necrophiliac orgy? Morality is never outdated.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)14:03 No.15254493
    >>what if it was your father or sister raised from the dead to serve tea, or being part of a necrophiliac orgy?
    I'd think 'must be rush week at the necro-frats again, time to teach them the proper use of necromancy spells'. Life as a professor at a wizards' college renders you surprisingly jaded about that sort of thing.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)14:03 No.15254497

    Easier to use it to bludgeon, I think. That and I'm not particularly skilled with activating magical devices.

    That said, I do like the idea of not having to beat someone down to deter them from causing trouble. I'm not exactly sure it would make them appreciate the gravity of the situation, but it does sound appealing.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)14:04 No.15254504
    >proper use
    Damm liberals
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)14:04 No.15254511

    I went to a multicultural school. I can swear fluently in like seven different languages, including Drow, Gnoll and the O̧͕͇̜͓̫̲̙̥̼͈͔̻̝̫͞͠ͅl͙̻̥̻̬̼̯̯͍̯̜͎̯̥̫̱͎͞͞͞d̢̧̻̝̳̥̼͙͟͢͝
    ̪͚͍̩̟̣ ̶̴͙̘̝͉̮̟͙̼̥͍̹̮͈̪̺̟͡Ţ͙̻̣͔̩̱̟͓̦̕͢͠o̡̧͘͏̧̼͓̟̳̦̬̦n̥͖̹͟ͅ
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)14:05 No.15254521
    >>Implying I'm liberal
    By 'teach them the proper use', I meant 'shove negative energy up their asses until they learn to use it for more useful things than trolling your lich professor. Or die'. In my experience, death chills most people out a lot.
    >> Chocolate !DlvbCj8Jig 06/13/11(Mon)14:05 No.15254523
    I couldn't pass the flying test. Just too ass scared of heights.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)14:06 No.15254530
    Rings of Feather Falling are available to fix that. Just expensive as hell unless you spring for the command-word version.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)14:07 No.15254537
    you bastard, just having that on my screen caused my desklamp to scream like a baby with a knife wound. Be careful how you use those eldritch syllables.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)14:07 No.15254540
    I think this orc woman who lives in my building is kind of hitting on me... She's hot, except she's so *big*. Like seven feet tall.

    Wat do?
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)14:08 No.15254546
    Yeah, maybe you shouldn't use open source arcaneware.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)14:08 No.15254548

    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)14:08 No.15254554
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    So guys... my wife is an artificer. Has been her whole life.

    Always enjoyed it. Liked working on warforged and shit... and then she became a reforged. Now she looks like this, is walking around the house all day building shit and adding on. I'm honestly not sure how to feel about the whole thing. Advice?
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)14:09 No.15254559

    Hold Shift for five seconds. Disable StickyKeys.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)14:09 No.15254562
    You can get those cheap for about 50, maybe 60 bucks. Just make sure you get them from ebay or the like. (No, they won't fail all of a sudden and cause you to fall, just make sure you don't go near AM fields)
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)14:09 No.15254564
    anatomically speaking, your penis will be to small for her vagnal cavity. So dont get any ideas. Also her vag-lubes can make you dizzy if you engage in oral sex. I'm assuming you are human. If you area goblin, the penis problems will be worse, but the you will experience no dizziness.
    >> Urist McCement 06/13/11(Mon)14:10 No.15254569
    Well all this talk of cragletheri is making me.. Excited, I think it's time I treat the lady to a bit of the ole "Moonlight Shroom."
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)14:11 No.15254583
    bro, just grab a can of WD-40 and a ratchet-wrench and go to town on that chassis; it's time to give her an overhaul, if ya know what I mean.
    >> Chocolate !DlvbCj8Jig 06/13/11(Mon)14:11 No.15254588
    Take her to dinner, and call it "Snosroft".

    Also, don't take my advice if you want to keep your pelvis intact.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)14:11 No.15254589

    If the important parts are still fleshy, I'd say not to worry about it. Just make sure she doesn't eye up any golems.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)14:12 No.15254590
    Ignore that, I don't know how it got on the computer, or even learned how to use it. I didn't raise it myself, I only bought it secondhand, and I've been having trouble with it. The bindings actually keeping any sort of intelligence tied to it were very terribly done, and I can't seem to repair them.
    >> Sir Roland 06/13/11(Mon)14:12 No.15254592

    Join her. There's nothing quite like upgrading yourself to shrug off any bullet or sword.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)14:12 No.15254594

    Um, how did you come up with that nickname? Because it's a pun in Elventongue. It's... not very flattering.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)14:13 No.15254603
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    >Paladinhood is more or less running in my bloodline like diabetes in fat people.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)14:16 No.15254630

    How's that dying of old age working for you?

    Damn, feels good to be immortal.
    >> Urist McCement 06/13/11(Mon)14:16 No.15254632
    Old saying for break out the tongue. Our tongues are somewhat shaped like mushrooms. Spaded at the end.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)14:17 No.15254640
    Not my sector, but considering Zywia managed to plant one of her fucking nests right there is worrying. As far as I know it's still under strict cordon, the clerics no longer try to get to the center womb and just skirt around containing it slowly. Pity we've never managed to get the kids out, but we've lost 300 men trying to get to their holding place...and then they hit puberty and went under Zywia's domain...It's from there that the "no child left behind" policy comes from, harsh as it is to call in artillery on them if they can't be rescued.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)14:20 No.15254671
    Halfling-dating guy here, chilling at home She's kinda calmed down from the ruckus earlier, especially since I just got off the horn with HR and submitted my harassment report. So I guess things're gonna be getting back to normal for us.

    Um... she... she just walked under my desk... and... ah, iscrurently showngi how much sheeeloves me... BRB!
    >> Someone else. !Ep2QNuW1R2 06/13/11(Mon)14:22 No.15254687
    I honestly don't know why people get so fired up about Soul-Bound in the workforce. For the most part, it's not so bad. The problem is when you get a whole bunch at the same level of management, then it goes all Lord of the Flies.
    >> Urist McCement 06/13/11(Mon)14:28 No.15254744
    Probably the 1993 incident. Seventy dead in three minutes, soulbound terrorist organization infiltrating an explosives manufacturing plant as workers then destroying half the facility and causing the Explosives ban in 1996.
    >> Morris !!ya3+mb8OWlb 06/13/11(Mon)14:32 No.15254778
    Oh hell yeah, when it happens it's insane. a few years back, four of them ended up getting on the Board of directors at once. For about a month, there were battles in the parking lot every day here, like it was Highlander or something! My insurance rates still haven't gone down.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)14:34 No.15254795
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    I'm more worried that at the end of the day she's not gonna be the same woman I love underneath all the new metal bits.


    But... I'm a druid.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)14:36 No.15254814
    I'm impressed it managed to type somewhat legibly, especially getting "legislation" correct, if it's bindings are failing.

    You might actually be having the opposite problems, some Necromancers would use (illegal) Advanced Reconstructed Intellects and then use bindings to actually lower the intelligence so they'd appear to be within regulations and then strip the bindings after they'd passed inspection. They're purpose-built to be difficult to distinguish, so you should probably contact your local Necromancy Regulation Service and get them to take a look at it.

    You seriously don't want to be caught with it if that's the case, turning it in voluntarily will just lead to them confiscating it.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)14:38 No.15254828

    >Others are born knowing the light of Good and don't particularly care about morality systems so much as they care about not letting Evil destroy people.
    >Paladinhood is more or less running in my bloodline like diabetes in fat people. If I could make it go away, I might do just that...
    But then I'd find myself fighting the good fight again in a week, so it'd be a waste of time to deny what I am and what I was born to do.

    Any research on genetic paladins? I know a few places were looking into whether or not they should qualify as divine offshoots of humanity, and whether or not they should be required to register that stuff, but I don't remember if they concluded anything.
    >> Urist McCement 06/13/11(Mon)14:40 No.15254844
    Just let it go, you will fall eventually then turn into a normal fighter.
    >> Chocolate !DlvbCj8Jig 06/13/11(Mon)14:45 No.15254899
    My technofetish is tingling.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)14:48 No.15254915

    Janitor-din again.

    Nothing conclusive was ever drawn. Paladins are still pretty much free to do their own thing, like form their own orders and such.

    Still, it helps to carry around a card describing the healing abilities so no one mistakes a lay on hands for something inappropriate.


    Happened to me four or five times. Survived it. Tried to move on with my life.

    Something always seems to come up, though, and it usually ends with me beating a violent criminal that was in the middle of a mugging and feeling the zest for life again.
    >> fenrir7139 06/13/11(Mon)14:52 No.15254958
    Man, if you like her, go for it; it'll work out! I remember meeting my GF (she's an orc as well) two years ago... Good times...
    >> Someone else. !Ep2QNuW1R2 06/13/11(Mon)15:07 No.15255071
    More on a previous point; I personally think that people hiring Orcs to drive trucks and Dwarves to work in metallurgical quality assurance is no different than Sun Microsystems actively hiring autistic college grads to work in their code-foundries. You're just playing the hand fate dealt.
    >> Lydia Willowhill 06/13/11(Mon)15:07 No.15255075
    Hee... I love surprising him like that. I think he's asleep... between work stress and our little quickie, he's out for a little while... anyone got any questions for me? Except about how he and I... do things. "Enjoyably and regularly" is all I say about that.
    >> fenrir7139 06/13/11(Mon)15:13 No.15255115
    How'd you guys meet, exactly?
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)15:16 No.15255135
    Have you ever dated gnomes or other Small races?
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)15:16 No.15255142
    Well heck, seeing how a thread like this doesn't come by all that often.

    Reaching out to all my fatherless genasi bros!
    Euroflame myself, how's the whole "Spell-like magic act" treating the rest of you?
    >> Lydia Willowhill 06/13/11(Mon)15:20 No.15255172
    It sounds cliche, but at a coffeeshop. I was waitressing, he was a regular customer. He'd chat a bit with me when his arrival and my breaks would sometimes coincide, and after a bit of time to get to know him (to make sure he wasn't some fetishist - I've met them before, totally creepy guys) we started dating. Unfortunately, a couple weeks after we hooked up, the restaraunt burned down from an overnight gas leak, so I'm jobless right now, but I'm hopeful things'll change soon.
    >> Lydia Willowhill 06/13/11(Mon)15:22 No.15255190
    Of course. Mostly growing up and in highschool. A few short-term romances and one or two flings, but nothing serious that really stuck.
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)17:08 No.15256040
    archive this now (first the doctor one and now this I hope to see more stuff like this in the future)
    >> Anonymous 06/13/11(Mon)17:52 No.15256493


    or else Do eet!

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