>Blatant marysues
No Kai, you are the speshul snowflaek who isnt sue enough.

It was at the behest of the rest of the group that I even considered joining this assrape of a campaign.
Kai was the DM.
When Kai's the DM, the game is a parade of perfect individuals we can't do anything to interrupt because of because. We're nobody, we're useless, and if we saved the world on international tv? We aren't recognised by anyone the NEXT DAY.
Kai was the DM.

The setting was an old campaign of his, where we would pick a trait and it would improve as we levelled. He asked us if we would object to him playing a 'sword spirit' and wouldn't tell us what it was.
Turns out on lvl 1 it made his character (a Tsundere nightmare of epic proportions) treat ALL SWORDS as +5 better than they were. We were lucky to get a bonus of any sort.
So together we fought the undead, demons, and other such shit as it was rife in the underbelly of Durac or whatever the suburb was called.

This game is the sequel, where the characters Kai let survive a 4 year timeskip have made an Academy for youths who have a special trait, where they teach these youths how to kill the supernatural.
It was set up like a high school.
>NOPE.jpg
But the others said they needed me to make it bearable. So I joined, begrudgingly making a Maenad.

We were to describe or list 5 character classes. FIVE! We would be gestaliting them all together.

Kai was going to choose our stats for us. We didn't even get to roll. All we got was a list of classes we'd amalgamate together and the race\\trait we were playing. All BACKGROUND was to be accepted by Kai, but anything else went.

There was Pete, making Pete the Juggalo. Blessed by Khorne, violence seemed to follow him around and he was always being attacked by people. Fighter, Artificer, Ninja, Scout, Cleric.
>There was Kyle, making a 'Kirin', a race Kai assured was a real myth, a race of nuggety little albino asian werewolves. He never gave his name. Druid, Ranger, Fighter, Monk, Scout.
There was Grace, she just wanted a Tiefling that could do some magic and chill out, but after much razzling, she ended up choosing Wizard, Sorc, Bard, Hexblade, Warlock.
>There was Chris, playing Vlad. Nosferatu clan vampire, essentially. Fighter, Rogue, Cleric, Binder, Truenamer.
There was me, playing Jackie. Lurk, Psion, Fighter, Shadow caster, Warlock.
So... there were 4 NPCs.
>Urgon, the gentlemanly Half-orc. Psion, Psychic Warrior, Fighter, Ranger, Barbarian.
Karen, the punk-rocker Tiefling. Warlock, Bard, Shadow caster, Rogue, Binder.
>Chris, the surfie Odin-blessed. Paladin, Favoured soul, Barbarian, Ranger, Fighter.
Sarah, the Kai. Cleric, Wizard, Favoured soul, Sorc, Psion.
When I say 'the Kai', I mean there's always one of these characters. A female, softly spoken, archmage with power over life and death. Always has the same sense of humour as Kai and always ends up being the 'leader'.

We were going to be so OP it wasn't funny.

We had to pick 6 classes. Not character classes, 6 academic classes.
We had to make our characters go to these classes. There were rather extreme penalties (in the form of brutal anal rape and beatings) if we skipped enough of them. Picture it as Biology being anatomy classes, Home-ec being how to cook anything to be edible Bear Grylls style, and Chemisty being c4.
With other classes thrown in to suit the supernatural theme. It was a Nightmare.

So we all get our characters to the game, finally. We're all sitting around a large table with a black centrepiece. All of the characters have 1d3 of the following: Trenchcoat, Katana or greatsword, Hip flask.
I had a flask.
We were all given a speech about mutually-assured destruction if we went off the handle, so play nice, we were given a map and were told to find the dorm we were assigned. We were then told that the tables were numbered because of the hierarchy of the dorms. The lower the number, the higher you were in it compared to the other dorms. The lowest-grading dorm each semester was expelled.

I'm already nestling my head repeatedly in the comforting busom of my palm.
Jackie's making friends with everyone in the dorm. We were told that the others of our table are now our closest and only friends. That we will learn to trust them with our lives and give our lives for them.
Jackie, being a Maenad, is already balls-deep in the sentiment five minutes after hearing this.

So, we find our way to the Dorm. It's a house in the middle of nowhere within the "Fortalice Hunter Academy"'s grounds. And we begin getting to know one another more properly.
Then, at midnight, a knot of confused goblins (and a Blue) just appear in the main living room, and as one brandish weapons at us and charge.

We fight for our lives. Jackie and Vlad are cornered, back to back, and we just fist bump, say "Bash brothers", and Vlad goes to eat a Goblin for vitae.
Yes... Vitae in D&D...
So Kai turns to me and asks what Jackie does.
"I follow suit."
"Dave, you're not a vampire, you won't get a bonus--"
"Shut up. I know that! I help Vlad with his meal!" So I have a fear aura for a while against goblins, thanks to my actions. I use it to drag Chris to the staircase the casters and Urgon are standing on. Then the Kirin.
You see, Sarah has that power over life and death, so she's healing like a motherfucker. Jackie's doing the field medic thing, and the Goblins aren't afraid of him anymore. So one stabs him in the kidneys, and criticals.
So I'm downed, I get picked up by someone and a Goblin is brought up to Sarah, she kills it and I gain its HP.

Jackie jumps up all of a sudden, kisses Sarah, laughes as he shouts "VIVA LA VIVA!" and dives back in to mop up the rest of the little shits.
All in all, not a bad night. We spend the next 3 hours cleaning up the mess, then we go to class the next day. Ugh.

>>14872219
So you're playing Harry Potter: Mutant Tabletop Edition?

Ok, I'll be leaving the classes out for the most part. It was Kai harping on about his 'true mythologically sound theorem" and "IRL knowledge of how the world works" and shit. While we had to listen to him so we could get them over and done with.
... fun... ಠ_ಠ

So Kai begins describing Sarah. She's all beautiful with raven hair and whatnot. She's a fucking changeling and traited. Her App score is fudged to be 18/18. etc. etc. Flowing dress, etc. "I get it, Kai." Homely good looks etc. "I GET IT!" Blah blah blah, etc.
Then Karen is just some red-head who smells of brimstone. Looks alright, I guess.
Hmm.
"I have decided that Jackie likes redheads."
"But Sarah's got bigger tits."
"Do I look like I care?" Pic related.

So the next few sessions is full of Kai trying to make a budding romance between Sarah and Jackie.
Gayyyyy.
I keep telling him to move on to the other players. I'm telepathically (chosen special discipline) communicating with Sarah because of SCHOOL! Seriously, placing the supernatural critters in their adolescence in a big melting pot is SHIT!
Jackie finds out that Pete's after Sarah, and says "Go for it. She needs a man." While trying to ignore Kai saying that Sarah's mouthing words at him mentally... Shut up.

Every midnight, more things just keep appearing in the living room, always hostile. We ask around if any other dorm is getting this, and nope. They're not.
>NOPE!!!.jpg

>>14872322
Sadly, yes. The groans are being had by all.
But at this stage Kai's raging hardcore about us destroying his games all the time (we weren't. He tried to make a d20 TAU campaign and we said we would destroy it if we were forced to play it, so just let us continue the other campaign... guess what he did). And he had a fetish for killing all games I DMed, and Kyle wasn't in a mood to DM much if ever (He was DMing Keter's campaign).

So it was this kind of butthurt, or an entirely worse kind. We chose this.

So we're being hit with different things every night. We're all level 2 by the time he sics a MANTICORE on us. Jackie decides that's not gonna fly, and he leaps from a balcony onto it, jamming his Kukri into the thing's neck to hold himself in place as he shoved his USP into its eye socket and fast-shotted the full mag into the Manticore's braincasing.
It still lasted a few rounds of thrashing. Others were running it through and shit, but Jackie went for the eyes, boo.
I got 1st dibs on what bits I kept. I kept as much of the blood as I could, the membrane of the wings, the mane, the teeth, the skull (seperate), and the spines on its tail. No-one else even wanted anything but to get rid of the corpse.
Jackie sold these body parts, you see. Got lots of cash for it, too. This was how he sustained himself, income from monster parts. He got the mane made into a coat, and kept the blood, teeth, and tail spines.

And another night, Kai put a Daelkyr up against us.
A Daelkyr.
Against a part of 3rd level people, OP or not, we were still only 3rd level. So it rapes Sarah and everyone rushes to save her, but then someone else comes in the front door.
Remember that "All swords are +5 better in my hands when I'm 1st level" bitch? Her.
She comes in, does some sort of divine blade technique, saves the day without breaking a sweat, comforts Sarah, and leaves.
We get no XP for putting up with this faggotry. Really?
Then Kai says one of the dumbest things ever, as Sarah. "Oh, that's my mum."

...
Rage.
RAAAAAAAAAGE!

So, by level 4, Kai starts letting our characters go on real missions!
We get out of the humdrum of "school" (Fucking 20 year old man making us play 16 year olds in a highschool setting... still annoys me) for a day! YAY!
Jackie's flirting with Karen, and a lot of females, actually. He figures, why not? It doesn't really matter, does it? But he flirts with Karen a lot more than anyone else.

But, shit like this...
Jackie gets paired off with Sarah in a 'mission' where someone's apparently been selling supernatural monsters.
>That's an ok setup for a Supernatural-buster campaign, right?
Without a License.
>Oh hell no. Not selling larval Illithids! WITHOUT A LICENCE!
ಠ_ಠ's all around.
And so the two of us are investigating security camera footage that Jackie procured thanks to actually making some rolls. The others are off doing their own little 'missions'.
We see a guy come in and pay a LOT of cash for a handful of Larval flayers, sign for sale, and walk out, covering his face the entire time. We check time of sale, and the manifest of the name.
We call the house and when it answers we hear nothing. Nothing but faint breathing. Tense moment. I hang up and search for an address.
Kai calls bullshit. I say "Blackberry + Google = super-sleuth" and he shuts up and gives me the address.

Sarah says it's getting late. Jackie says fuck that, I'm doing my damn job. Go home if you want but I'm not until this is finished.
Jackie knocks on the door of the house. It's a mansion of a nicely done degree, the guy answers. He's rather well-dressed, but he's got a VERY long tongue and talks as if he's trying to hold it in.

Jackie flashes his Hunter's license to this man and asks if he's noticed anything suspicious around the area.
The man says no, he hasn't. But he'll tell me the moment he does. Jackie's not buying it, but he smiles and asks for a card or something to contact him, just in case. He gets given an executive business card to make Christian Bale in American Psycho weep. Jackie thanks him for his co-operation and leaves. Then he manifests Chameleon and Mind blank. He sneaks around the house, looking for a vantage point to watch the house from without being seen himself. Once he does, he waits. All night.
Morning rolls around, the man leaves for work, and when he's gone, Jackie knocks on the door again.
It's answered by a woman with a vacant look on her face. Typical borderline-retarded trophy wife, I think. Jackie asks her, has her husband (guessing husband?) bought any... exotic pets lately?
"Ohhh... Yeah! He has. Fluffy is soooooo cute." One eye unfocusses, drools a bit. "It tickles when he kisses me."
>nope.jpg
Kai smiles and the other players are groaning. We know where this is headed.
"With 2 Int you can't speak, Jackie. With 3 Int you can... just." So the woman was just Int-eaten and answered the phone with a stupid smile on her face when Jackie called.
>Awfucknope!.gif

"Can I see Fluffy? I just have to see if he's all healthy. Don't want him getting sick."
"Are you a vet...?"
"Yes."
"Ok, he's in the back."

I go to the backyard. It's roughly an acre of perfectly-clipped empty grass. And one suspicious-as-fuck doghouse with "Fluffy" written on the top.
Jackie cautiously lifts it up, USP in hand. No Larval flayer, just a hole in the ground and a collar wider than the hole laying next to it.
"Roll Knowledge check, Dave."
Jackie remembers that Larval flayers become Neothelids once they get too big.
Neothelids are underground burrowers.
Jackie calls the academy to bring in the cavalry, and waits by the front door as several cars and a HELICOPTER appear. Veteran hunters all pour out and Jess, Sarah's mother and one of my teachers now (For tactical deployment class... Solid snake 'how-to') tells me to join them in the back.
They pour much explosive material down the hole, detonate it and the Neothelid appears. It begins its rape of a few weaker veterans and Jackie just cowers. For a Telepathic Maenad, this is the scariest thing he's seen. Fuck the Daelkyr. Daelkyr don't EAT YOU MIND, they just spoil it. Neothelids and the whole Mind-flayer theme DOES.
The hunters are struggling, Jackie's squeezing the trigger on his gun even though it's empty, no presence of mind to reload.
Then Jess pulls out a katana and does a Sephiroth-style perfect strike. Neothelid dies in one go, day is saved.

Jess tells me to hunt the fuck who did this down. And to tell Sarah where to meet her.
SO, when we both arrive at the office building, I realise the guy's tongue was REALLY long. And pointy. AND PREHENSILE. It clicks.
While the clicking is happening, Kai makes Sarah talk to Jackie in the elevator. It's all about how they're not really right for each other it seems, and they're drifting apart. Don't care woman, just doing my job.

We reach the floor the guy works at, ask where he's located, and are directed to a large office. Of course.

>>14872821
inb4 snakeman

I ask the secretary if... fuck it, Nutty McShithead, I forget the name... is in. She says yes.
"Oh, good. We just have a few questions for him. Nothing bad, he's such a great guy who hasn't done anything wrong. Probably deserves a promotion, too!"
"Oh, so you know him!" The secretary looks charmed to the shithouse. Jackie rolls his eyes as he walks into the office.
We walk in on Nutty McShithead with his mind flayer tentacle sticking out to full length, and he looks sprung as he sucks it back into his mouth.
"Anything I can do for you?"
Sarah begins to talk, but she's proven despite 18s on all mental stats, she's still useless in a non-combat situation. Jackie steps forward.
"Yeah, we know you left a Larval flayer where it could easily make the metamorphosis to a Neothelid. You're to answer for this act at the Fortalice Hunter's Academy."
Nutty is quiet for a bit. Then as Kai inhales to speak next, "JACKIE JUMPS TO THE SIDE AWAY FROM SARAH!" And Kai is angry, but "The mind blast misses you, Jackie, Sarah is stunned."
>The rules in this campaign were enforced by whatever fiat Kai as the DM wanted to happen at the time unless we pulled a fast one on him with our exploitations.
"The half-illithid disappears from your sight, Jackie."

FUCKING POST SIZE LIMIT

So I've been mind blanked. I go into the mindscape (ugh, fuck you Kai) and remove the fucker's hand from my eyes. I see him and he' grasping Sarah's head with his tentacles...
So I charge and cut them off with my Kukri. He tries to stun me again, but it doesn't work, and he psionically blasts the window open and jumps out.
I'm not buying it one bit, I leap out myself and see him hanging onto the ledge as I fly above him out into the street.
"I GRAB HIM!"
"Reflex save, Dave." 20
Grabbed. I kick off the wall of the skyscraper and drag Nutty McShithead off with me.
For 57 stories of fall, I'm in the mindscape, fighting him tooth and nail as I physically beat the living shit out of him, holding a camera to show my headbutting his face in screaming out "THIS IS HOW YOU FUCK WITH THE MIND! THIS IS HOW!"
Physically and psychically, I bested the Illithid in human disguise. I used his corpse as a cushion as we landed on a taxi.
I was at -9HP when Sarah had levitated down to stabilise me. The ambulence came for me in minutes, the ambulence for the Taxi driver who got a broken neck came in hours.

That, my friends, is how Jackie levelled up to level 4.
By Catfalling as much as he could, using a dead Illithid to cushion his fall on a collapsible landing surface... from 57 stories high.

A bit of a break so I see how much you all want me to shut up before I continue if wanted.

I'm finding it quite amusing. Continue, please.

>>14873135
moooaar

So, just to show you who he was:
Jackie was raised in an orphanage in one of those small bogan towns with more churches than pubs. Real religious nuthouse orphanage, with one of the reverends looking after the kids nicknamed 'the rabbit' because of his teeth and the way he carried his hands in front of his chest, fingers down.
'the rabbit' also loved giving kids a good booting. There was a lot of beltings and whatnot. Most of the kids quietened down, but not Jackie.
Being a Maenad, he always had more emotional turmoil and let it out in the form of being boisterous and willful. As such the beatings never stopped.
His only friend in the orphanage was the groundskeeper, a seedy old finnish immigrant who gave Jackie his flask when he left, the two of them were just a couple of guys who would shoot the wind from time to time. Other than the old drunken groundskeeper, Jackie's only role-model was Roger Moore as James Bond. No-one else was cool enough until he read about Jackie Estecado in The Darkness, so he decided that was his last name.
Then he joined the academy aged 16 thanks to a special invite.

He had, in the 1st week, crafted a psicrystal with his boisterousness as its aspect. It was named F-A (I'm Fuck-Awesome, boss!).
He was being taught Talojilashtakalastarala, a rather unique blend of the different components of Seshan Talaris Dasyannah, the Kalashtar martial art. As such, he developed a mind blade.
F-A wanted one too, so F-A made one. Jackie had also learned to swap bodies with F-A, so he'd have a backup generator if he was in too much pain. F-A didn't seem to care about pain.

Kai was pushing Sarah onto Jackie. Including having sword saint bitch, Jess, tell him he's got her blessing to do whatever in a relationshio with her.
"But I DON'T WANT HER!" Jackie protests loudly, then to prove it, helps Pete get her. He gets rather sweet on Karen.

Oh yeah, Jackie and Pete are becoming Bros and Kyle ragequit the campaign so the Kirin is dead.

APPLES!

By now, I've unlocked the Paladin's fearlessness (we had truly freeform class features, pick 5 features a level, including feats and spell\power progressions. They had to have reasonable level seperations and introductions, but it was ok).
And I'm in a wheelchair. It'll take me a month of recovery if I let myself heal (not bloody likely).
So F-A is doing my dirty work mostly, and Sarah's looking after me (Dammit dammit dammit)

So one night, in the midnight run (I can't get up the stairs, and so I stay in the living room... great.) I'm sleeping, and shit goes down. I pull out my USP and take the pain as I fire at the suddenly appearing Sergals. I break my arms and awake with a jolt.
Oh, so it was a dream, what's really happening? Oh, the Kirin's running at me... all slow-like. It's an illusion. You'll have to do better than that to fool me, Kai. The Kirin's DEAD. I spend the minute or so of it slow-motion charging me shouting out to everyone that the things are here now, and they're invisible. The Kirin reaches me and slashes my throat out.
"Oh, you're a DICK, Kai!" Sadistic grin from Kai.
I wake up with a jolt, pain filling my arms as they instinctively reach for my neck, which is whole. "Oh, this sucks."
I then look inward, going to the mindscape, and I see a strange being just in the corner of my eye when I look around. Hmmm. I go to the other Psionic characters' minds (Urgon and Sarah) and get them to tell me what's hiding behind me.

Turns out I've been hit with a Gengar of a Tusqora Quori. It's eating my dreams and my psyche's trying to kill me in them to get me to wake up from it... but it's not helping. So Urgon and Sarah hold it down while I manifest my mind blade in the mindscape (as any blade I want it to be, my weaponised emotions) and the three of us get to work destroying a Quori while I dream.
I kill it by eating it. It did not know what it's mesing with. I ate the quori and took its power for my own, thanked the other two for their help, and woke up. Waiting for what was coming that night.

>>14873602
>sergals
Kai must be closetfurry.

To both of you who care, sorry for the wait, but people appeared wanting some shit about Jesus... I didn't have any.

So, we've begun to learn how to deal with the way Kai's running this world.
Pete's becoming a master artificer, and to prove a point, he master-crafted a condom one day. Just to show 'em.
Jackie's agreed to be Pete's guinea-pig.

All in all, we were getting along well and doing well in the academy. We were #5 all the time, and the top 4 were fluctuating because of tall poppy syndrome.
It was then that Kai decides to up the ante.
One midnight, the bitch you play as in Portal appears in the Dorm and portals around the dorm. Pete ninjas well, and has made essentially Gorechild, so he prepares to sneak-attack the woman and Kai just pulls out his favourite "MY NPC GETS 2 TURNS WORTH OF ACTIONS DURING YOUR TURN AS AN AOO" move, she grabs Gorechild and hacks off Pete's legs with it.
Then he tells Pete that he has to roll a DC25 reflex save to avoid falling to the ground like a bloody heap. He was hanging off the ceiling with his free hand all invisible, by the way.
He rolls 19 and it's not enough with Lightning reflexes...?

So he falls and loses the rest of his turn. In Portal bitch's turn she hacks off one of Pete's arms and we're all raging about it. Jackie uses a "non-euclidian step" to teleport INTO her. I get the backing of all the rest of us, chanting "IT WORKS IN DOOM! IT WORKS IN DOOM!"

This DM is awful. Some elements of the game seem reasonable, but the execution is just awful. Awful.

>don't have an awful.jpeg

So I telefrag Portal bitch, all of us united against the crappy DM Fiat of this woman being able to wrest an exotic weapon from the strong hands of a Khornate champion and use it with aplomb, and I tear the portal gun to pieces. We try to Stabilise Pete, but he really needs to go to recovery.
So we're short one of our biggest hitters.
Another midnight attack was a Babau and Succubus. The Succubus goes invisible and runs to a hiding spot out of panic while the Babau goes mental, and we make short work of it.
Jackie's being put through torture resistance training, so he's too tired and sore all the time to do anything without taking damage for it, so he's being forced to the back, as the players who aren't really into taking the spotlight have to sit and watch Kai's NPCs save the day with no problem, just fiating the victory away.

By now, Sarah has accepted Pete, but has told him that the price of the relationship is his total fidelity. Essentially giving her license to do whatever fooling around she wants, and he has to accept it. And the forfeit of anything wrong on his part is he has to give her one of his eyes.
Fucking what?

SO. When Pete gets back from intensive care, he goes back to his room, where the Succubus has been hiding. She combs his mind for an acceptable form to him, picks Sarah's and goes to town.
He loses 8 Wisdom and has no idea why.

>>14874476
If he agreed to the eye thing, he deserves the inevitable lack of eye. If any chick told me that I'd be like "Bitch, you crazy." Turn 360 degrees and moonwalk away.

>>14874476
What.

>>14874476
..?

I feel dumb asking this but I must, so, I dunno, be glad for the bump or something in return?

What's USP stand for?

Oh, it gets much worse than that.
So, Pete loses 8 Wisdom, and his 'girlfriend' disappears again... He's confused.
And what happens? Kai grins sadistically, "Sarah bursts into the room immediately, and bursts into tears. You just cheated on your girlfriend, Pete."
"WHAT?"
"Yes, that was a Succubus."
"She was made to look, sound, feel, and SMELL just like Sarah, Kai!"
"And?"
Pete rages silently as Jess comes in to comfort Sarah, who is crying in the bathroom. Jackie goes to see what the commotion is about. You know, to keep the bro-dom working...
When he hears what's going on, Jackie goes into the bathroom and tells Sarah that it was a Goddamn SUCCUBUS, she doesn't care.
SO... Pete gets a teaspoon and a pair of scissors. Passes autohypnosis and pops the left eye out and snips it away.
"So, you're on low HP just from the pain, and you're enfeebled for a while"
"Don't care. This was the forfeit, I'll pay it if it's what keeps her. Dave, I give the eye to Jackie."
Jackie just takes the eye, he's held much, MUCH worse by now. He gives it to Sarah, as meant to, and she takes it in her hand for a moment...
...
Silence for a while
...
Then, "'It's not enough!' She says". As Sarah throws the eye out the window.

SO Jackie relays this news to Pete, and he starts playing the Sanguine Violin. We're all rather pissed atm.

>>14874959
It's a kind of pistol.

>>14874989
damnit I knew I was gonna feel dumb. I kept trying to find what that damn spell might be that you might be lugging a wand of, or what item in 3.5... fuck I feel stupid right now.

>>14874959
USP:
It comes in 9x19, .45, .357, and .40

It holds between 10 and 16 shots. It is worth more than your car.

http://world.guns.ru/handguns/hg/de/hk-usp-e.html

Um, guys... I gotta go for a bit. Got bills, you know?
I'll be back shortly... ish... maybe.

>>14875328
You son of a bitch. You can't leave now. Or whenever you left.

>>14875625
Sorry, bro. Shit's not in my control sometimes.

Anyhoo... CONTINUAN!

So Pete's been robbed of 1 partner, 2 legs, 1 arm, 1 eye, and 1/2 a soul IN ONE WEEK.
He takes it upon himself to start playing the sanguine violin. *starts running hand up and down wrist like violin while wordlessly whining in some vague tune*
Kai is telling him to roll fortitude saves to avoid passing out. DC 10, then 15, then 20, ramping up like that every round. Pete eventually passes out before he can kill himself, bleeding a lot out of both arms as Kai told him that he's run out of space to cut on one arm.
So on and so forth, when he comes to, it's to Jess slapping him lightly, telling him to wake up. So he starts again.

You see, Kai has this thing. If we commit suicide, it's the only way he won't harrass us to make a new character. Pete was essentially ragequitting in a melodramatic way to annoy Kai. While it's the only way out, he does his best to make circumstances prevent it. It's like he wants to prolong the pain.
So Jackie helps Pete live. In-character, Jackie didn't want Pete to die, but IRL I was saluting him saying he'll be missed.
His suicide attempt and our calling of bullshit got Kai to make Sarah accept the forfeit Pete gave. She did nothing against the Succubus, as it was just doing as was in its nature. We dismissed it after Jackie uglied it up some.

He also has one favourite thing to always do to players.
With me, it was put a female self-insert up against his leg... And if I am rid of it, another comes along, especially if it's someone who WASN'T like that before.
With Kyle it was make him unable to do anything without paying a heavy price. Usually his own life.
With Grace, she was forced into stressful world-teetering-on-the-brink shit and otherwise ignored.
With Chris, he was just brutalised until dead.
With Pete, it was always dismemberment. Preferably the balls 1st.
>No matter who you are, you're nobody and useless compared to his many and varied (surprisingly) self-inserts.
It's sick. Currently I hear the guy's doing an epic campaign with Kyle on a 1-on-1 basis. He chooses Great Wyrm Dragon as his race and still cannot kill Goblins. GOBLINS!

Back to the story.
Pete hears about a lab in Argentina where people will make augmentations on people for a fee. And so Pete wanted to get himself some modern-day Automail equivalent. He asked Kai in and out of character if he'd be ok if he did this. He was assured that he would be fine.
It's about now that Jackie finally actually tells Sarah that he doesn't want her in a way Kai understands. And he gets busy making up for lost time with Karen, the tiefling. She makes a rose for him out of shadowstuff, and to show his appreciation, he only lights his room with blacklight and fixes his room's door so the light can't ever get to the rose. It's saying solid, thank you.


So in the holidays of the Academy's curriculum, Pete goes on a holiday to Argentina. He's been selling a pound of Meth a day thanks to Chemistry class, so he's rolling in dough.
Meanwhile, everyone else is just doing their thing in the holidays, Karen's turned into Kai. Jackie just gives up on the world. He's too vibrant to kill himself or anything weak like that; he goes after esoteric knowledge. I become an agent of the dreaming dark and begin SPREADING the fear I'm so immune to.

The prosthesis go wrong eventually, don't they?

So in his free time, Jackie has to do an assignment or two.
I have to infiltrate a part of society I would normally have nothing to do with... But I need to be able to GET into them and I'm on tv nightly thanks to my exploits. Though Kai will make us unrenowned for our epic deeds, if it HURTS our cause to be so, suddenly everyone knows who we are.
Failure to do this is equal to delibrately skipping a week of 'school'. Thus, brutal anal-rape and castration then healing then castration again then healing again and then a beating with Jess's Katana. Ugh.
No thanks.

I'm also a Maenad. I have crystalline deposits all through my flesh. I facepalm so hard it goes through my brain when I realise my only option.
I have to become one of those Goth-tard Vampire wannabes that believe in Twilight.

I keep wondering, "how the fuck can this get any worse?" And then it does!

How did you manage to make it through this without setting fire to the guy? There isn't a jury in the world that would've convicted you. Hell, you'd probably have gotten medals.

>>14875964

Dear lord man you managed to do this without any combination of murder suicide or aggravated assault?

I'll not go into details too much on that one. Suffice to say, I had to hang out at night in some of the trashiest, Golfrapp-playing-est, Depressingly bleakest hangouts for college kids. My glittery skin let me right on in because after flashing a fundamental mystery or two, add a fear attack, they were all convinced.

There was poetry. I had to listen to Kai's *retches* "poetry". Inspired by Bob Dylan.
I had to GIVE a CRITIQUE! I had to make up shit about them. I had... I had had enough.

I scared the living shit out of them and stole precious HPs for it. I was wounded that day earlier, and I had a feeling...
So after doing my assignment, I am accosted by actual Vampires.
They don't like me taking over their turf, so they try to make an example of me. It turns out, of the 5 that kidnap me, 2 are Sarah's cousins. And they're ALL from Crystal Dorm.
Yes.
That's right.
There are Vampires in the academy, known about, and given consessions like night-time curriculum.

I do hope you stomped them flat.

>ffiati are
Quite so, Captcha.

A couple questions: Did Kai play the cleric/druid/paladin that Keter had to deal with?

And... I've forgotten what the other was. So I'll go with: You mention several times the Lurk class. What is this, and what's it from?

CURRENT INVENTORY:
Non-euclidean-space-stored USP and 'Screaming Whisper'
Screaming Whisper is a Chainsword made by Pete, every 5th tooth is Adamantium, and every 2nd other tooth is a Manticore tooth (which is Cold Iron) and all the others are Alchemical Silver. It's a +2, Keen, Heavy Critical, Indestructible unique blade... Pete was a MASTER craftsman and we had allied with a dorm full of witches and Sorceresses.

Non-euclidean space is that power that lets you store a weapon in the astral plane and is called to hand with a command thought. I forget the name. 1 hand each weapon.

I also had a suit of essentially assassin aspect armour.
But I figured... it's gonna be fun destroying the kind of the city.

>>14876518
Yes. He did play that character. They were all of his characters. The Bard was a guy named Caleb. He moved down south and had played many campaigns like this and was fine with what happened.

And a Lurk is a standard character class from the Complete Psionic splat book.
Essentially a Psionic Rogue, with augments on sneak attacks and sneak attack damage bonuses while psionically focussed.
Some of my best characters were Lurks.

Eventually, I've been taken to the city's ruler. It's in a skyscraper. I get taken to a large opulent hall, and standing there is an ancient Vampire, described as a Tzimsce (or however it's spelled) with an old and weathered Claymore. He turns to me and regally introduces himself to me.
We know this character, it's not the king of the city, his name is Sebastian and he's the QUEEN'S guardian.
We all respect Sebastian, but Jackie don't know shit.
Then the Queen of the city makes herself known... Cue little girl Vampire. Malkavian. Grins like an idiot.
"You're the one that's being annoying! *giggle* I'm Lilith, who are you?"
I give her my Quori name. Hashalqaq. Release control arts (Deeper darkness focused on me).
Invokation that lets me see in all magical darkness was already up.
Release Screaming whisper, Fearful Mien, Racial berserk, Alternative use Sonic scream (burst radius) (most of these were 'free actions' according to Kai, I wasn't complaining)
Their turn. They miss and cannot see at all. Immunity to most fear effects means nothing to me, it's the appearance that counts.
My turn: Decapitate Sarah's Cousins. Deeper darkness invokation again. Centred on the door out. Run to it.
Lilith dispels my aura of deeper darkness, still can't see me thanks to not rolling high enough to dispel both. Sebastian charges, fails to find me in the hallway, and Lilith screams "You'll never get away! My babysitter won't like you for killing her cousins!" And lets off an ear-splitting scream.
Fuck it.
Dimension door full distance THAT WAY.
"Jackie appears out in the open far above the earth". Fine, good. Fall for 1 round.
Dimension door to the ground. Done. Take little damage, heal it off of my monstrous appearance's HP stealing.

'Cops' arrive, Jess used to drive a Cop car in the older setting.
I ready action: Plant Screaming whisper into the engine block of the car.
>alsoutts Car.
Yes, I'm readying to do this.

>>14873602
>Tusqora

You mean "tsucora."

>>14876780
>I give her my Quori name. Hashalqaq.

You mean "hashalaq."

Pic related. It's a kalaraq quori.

>>14876813
Kyubey's my familiar, hands off!

I get a call. Fuck it, I'm not getting distracted.
"Your mien dissipates"
>Nope
Stand there as Jackie, still readied. See that it IS Jess. Rev screaming whisper.
5 minutes IRL of silence. Car sure is not getting closer... All of my rage.
Dimension Door to the damn car, plant Screaming whisper in engine block.
"You can't use that readied action. You were distracted."
"Move action in my turn, standard action in my turn."
"But your readied action hasn't been used yet."
>NOPE!
"Jess casts hold person on you and you're taken away in her car."
>NOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooope.

I deactivate my powers. What's the point in anything?
I am berated fully by Jess, I did her damn assignments. She challenges me to a swordsman's duel. Totally optional, but the sword-dickings will commence if I don't take it.
The prize I am given to tempt me is my old twin-barrel 20-Ga. pistols. They were my very favourite things. Blessed Silver Nitrate Duckshot ammo and all.
They were locked away in a suitcase that was put in my room to taunt me, and opening the lock in any way would send not only Jess, but the other teachers onto me for a massive beating. Not worth it, because they'd just lock them away again.

>>14876813
Yes, Tuscora.
But no, I'm no Kalashtar. Jackie just gave himself a Quori-esque name to suit his martial discipline. He got into the whole Kalashtar thing in a BIG way.
And Kai suggested Dreaming dark agen because of me being apparently "Inspired" thanks to my exposure to the outsiders.

>>14876851
I .. but... WHY would you even stick around a session with that fucker? Did it not ever occur to any of you to just have games without him?

>>14876874

One of my best friends is also one of the worst gamers I've ever met, but he loves to play. It happens.

>>14876838
moar?!

Jess has a fetish for humiliating people.
Pete was in her swordsman's class, she likes to use her supreme shit to cut off all of your clothes in front of the rest of a class.
Then making you walk home in shame because you can't best her at her finest with your beginner's skill.
Jackie was no swordsman. He had a Mind blade, but that was just punching. He had Screaming whisper, but it was a simple thing, really. Slash. Hope.

Peter rolled a double 20 to hit Jess in close combat class, got one hit wherever he wanted, rather than a supreme critical.
He decided it was a box shot. But she just healed it in no time, with full regen.
Damn.
I tell Jess I did my damn assignments. I infiltrated and discovered who the head of a powerful organisation was, AND joined a public social circle I never would and was accepted. All in one night.
She was having none of it. I had killed two of her nephews. They were my classmates, and I had no qualms killing them; this much was known, Jackie WILL kill you unless you're faculty or from Black Dorm.
So I'm back in the Academy, and have been geased not to leave the grounds until I duel her or are given leave. I go to the Witches, and ask the Psionic one to give me a Power stone of Astral caravan.
I take 20 on my use Psionic device skill. Use the Power stone.
"Jackie planar travels to right next to you, punches you in the fucking face, and goes back to the Academy."
...
We all laughed. Even Kai did, but in that smug way.
...
Then Kai's jaw hurt. IRL. Seriously.

>>14877050
Finally.

Should've repeatedly kicked him in the nuts too.

>>14876874
You guys were claiming that of me last night with Keter.
We suffer him because he's one of us. We get up to some fucked up shit ourselves.

>>14877155
>>14877155
ONE OF US! ONE OF US! ONE OF US!

What happened to incredibly epic storytiem? Unless it ended there, which is satisfying in it's own way...

Sorry, Intrawebz is shitting out from time to time.
Still trying.

Suffice to say: The rest is Jackie quitting.

So Jackie has obviously had enough of this shit. In my head is formulating a plan to destroy this world.
It needs it.
So I take Jess up on her offer, bringing Pete with me to record it all.
The fight is... predictable. Jess tries to cut Jackie's clothes off. He stops her in her tracks. Rips off his clothes, and stands before her in the nude.
I point to the camera and say "This is all Jess can do. Her power doesn't lie in the strength of arms she has, her power stems from making all of US LOOK BAD!"
I point defiantly to Jess.
"You want me to fight you to prove a point! I'll prove my own! To stop me from beating you, you'll have to KILL ME!"
I prepare F-A's mind blade and my own, wielding Screaming whisper in my main hand.
The dance of blades we do is fantastic... for a non-swordsman. We take every hit she gives and grab that key from her necklace.

Jackie had started a radio show, using the Academy's PA system as the transmission.
Pete had started a website, named BlackDormFM.com At first, it was a viewer base of disappointed 4channers, but we eventually got a cult following as we posted constant footage of out midnight exploits.
This was going live to both.
Jackie had beaten Jess.
"Even if I only won because you let me, it proves you can't stop me. It proves you can't fight for shit in a real fight. It proves how pathetic you are, you who can only humiliate us!"
Then, "Dave, let go of the key." from Kai.
"No."
"You'd probably want to."

I like where this is going, op.

"So, Dave, your balls are cut off by Jess."

I didn't care.
OH YEAH! Pete was back from his automailing.
Oh, he was allowed to be back in Australia when he returned, alright. His prosthetics were enchanted in the 1st day with that indestructible feature. So they wouldn't break.
HOWEVER!
The moment he set foot onto Australian soil as augmented as he was, armed guards escorted him to Jess, who told him he was now no longer EVER allowed to leave Australian soil unless given a written and signed sanction by her. He was then drafted into "Zeta squad". Which means, basically 'balls-first into hell erry day.' suicide squad.

Jackie picks up his sack, goes to the magi in the Academy, orders a restoration, and walks right out of the place, his Geas complete.
He walks into a classy car dealership, rolls a pair of 20s in a row! YAY!
Drives a Zonda out, and a 'stang in tow. He loads up on the weapons he's had hidden and public, puts them in the back of the 'stang. He pays $81,000 he's squirreled away to a Mage when he gets back to the Academy, gets him to cast Wish.
"Wish me the power to cast Wish once a day for 1 week."
The next few days were said thus:
"I wish to always have all the money I need to do what I need to do as my job."
"I wish Jess would choke on a million dicks."
"I wish to leave to Faerun"... no dice "Fine, I wish Pete was whole again, thus free from his obligations."
"I wish Karen only the best."
"I wish The next strike I make with Screaming Whisper annihilates every vestige of what I aim to strike."
"I wish Puck was dead (long story)."
"I wish that this abortion of a Monster-hunter's academy left me and Pete alone. Forever."

And with that, seeing as Pete and I were the only PCs left, everyone else ragequitting long ago, we drove off into the wild blue yonder.
A Khornate weretiger (He paid one to infect him) and a Maenad Psion in a Mustang, driving across Australia.
But first, we pay a visit to Lilith... and she's the next strike I make with Screaming Whisper.

Now, Kai has no choice but to let us do as we do. He ragequits at me for winning his out-fuck-you-over competition.
I have successfully killed Kai's anus of a campaign setting and made it SUPERNATURAL GURREN LAGANN!

END OF STORY! Sorry for the delay (oh and there was a gaming session where Kai demanded we play Truth and dare in character. I still shudder at how creepy it was.)

Any more hatred needed?

>>14877566
Why do you keep playing with the guy?

>>14877566
...
Why the fuck were you still there? I'd have left as soon as the first person ragequit.

Oh, and I will now show you...

THE HORROR!!!

Hmmm.
I have 4 characters or so left with even halfway decent storytime... if I'm not distracted again (not likely to be).
They are:
>Sal Morass, Gypsy Bard who has his life shat on and has enough.
>ArraHass, a Mochtahr protagonist for a 1-on-1 D&D campaign. Gets hurt a LOT.
>JotaHarath, Kalashtar who hated Xoriat with a burning passion.
>Leham Vannus. Half-Elf with big shoes to fill and no way of filling them. Loses his family.

So, what demand is there for another tale?
Tomorrow.
I would like to keep posting these until I'm out of them, but if you tell me to stop, I will.

And, thanks for archiving the last one, but is this one getting archived, too?

>>14877583
>>14877584
There's not many of us. Barely enough to get a gaming group.
He was around from the beginning, hell he introduced us to D&D. The main reason we put up with him is because, well, we're not going to turn our backs on someone who's too weird for anyone else.

Recently, I destroyed any real connection to him, and yes. Thanks to this kind of faggotry. Now I can be in the same room as him and (as long as he doesn't open his mouth) be fine. But we aren't friends anymore.

The main reason I finished the campaign was because it's what I do.
I vowed long before this campaign to not play in his games ever again. But the others demanded it of me so I could make it more bearable for them.
Essentially, my motivation was "You told me to play it, and I'll play it. I'll play it until it's done or the rest of you ALL quit. Just to show you how it's done."
I know that this kind of brutal anal rape is what's in store for us all then Kai is the DM.
Hell, when I see something terrible happen in a movie or series, or in a thread on /tg/! When it's something just asshatted and mean-spirited, I instinctively say "Kai is the DM!".

I stayed to play when no-one else would DM. We love our fiction, we do.

>>14877785
>Sal Morass, Gypsy Bard who has his life shat on and has enough.

This sounds good.

>>14877704
OMG, someone do more of this.

Ok, I'll just let you know, the Sal Morass character story is also a "Kai is the DM" setting.
But I refused to let him get me down. Until he found my character's one weakness and ripped it open.
It ends in his tears.
His delicious tears.

>>14877862
But don't let that get you down. It's actually a rather good campaign, except for a couple of niusance moments.

>>14877904

Yeah, sounds good. Either Sal Morass or the Kalashtar one, seeing as I have a hard on for Eberron, and olev your storytiem.

So... do we want to archive this?

I would like it...

And one final note before I stop for a while...
I hope this picked you up after your Chem final, That One Guy.

Aaaaaand one final bump before bed.
Coming up tomorrow, Sal Morass.

>>14878160
Oh hey, he remembered me. Hah.
Yeah, this was a good read. That and the fact I hung out with some of my other nerdbros, it was a nice little pick me up.

I love a good story. I should take notes if I ever play D&D again with some of my chums. We've got a sort of THAT GUY in our group, but he does things in a hilarious way.

Y'know, as terrible as his characters and settings are, I do have to give him some props for actually going along with your actions while he DMs.