I still dont understand how I managed to do that...

Chaos Obliterator killed in CC by single Tau Gun Drone.
Does that cound as critfail?

Those dice were cursed.
I bet you bought them from Nyarlathotep.

>>14651684

Goddamn right it does. WTF

Not as ridiculous but kind of funny..
Player rolled to insult an enemy during combat and critfailed.
What should have come out as "Your Mother was a whore!" became, "Yeah?! Well my Mother was a whore!!"

Made for a good laugh.

>>14651684

Yes. You must now replace that model with a Tau Gun Drone that has been converted to somehow have the Obliterator virus.

>>14651684
I've killed a hive tyrant with full wounds, in hand to hand, using only 2 gun drones. Rolling like that is rare, mathematically improbable, but not impossible.

>>14651744
So, make it one of the new Crisis Battlesuits?

I failed an int check when trying to decided what to do
>Paranoia
>In a bus with a run-away AI
>Try to hack the AI to fix it
What I failed to notice was the fact I had a 1 in computer

Gun drones are hand-to-hand demons. DAT INITIATIVE.

>>14651510
Check your dice, they might be weighted.
Impossible you say? So were your rolls.

>Deathwatch, Mission #2 of The Emperor Protects
>Final battle in Necron Tomb City
>Destroy power core with 95% Protection Rating force field
>While fending off a Tomb Spyder
>Before the monoliths arrive and fuck your shit up
>Techmarine fires at the Spyder with a lascannon
>Barely misses
>I say it hit the core, about to reveal the force field to them
>Roll a 97
mfw I have no face

>>14652080
wait so the 97 meant critical success on hitting the core, or critical failure overall?

>>14652062
Dice roller program. The wizards of the coast one.

Also, improbable doesnt mean impossible. Apparently.

>>14651684

Back when the gamesworkshops shitty old forums were open, and I used to frequent them, there was a similiar tale about improbably gun drone fuckery in melee combat.

Gun drone vs Avatar.
Gun drone won.
Really.
This was in the 3rd/4th era, so the avatar would have gone first.
Rolled 1's on ALL its attacks.
Then the gun drone would have had to roll straight 6's on hitting and wounding.
And then the avatar biffed its 5+ save.

The worst part was?
The poster didn't say whether the drone took it down from full, or just scored the last wound.

> D&D 2e thief, maxed out move silently points
> scouting in dungeon, asked to make move silently roll
> crit fail
> minotaur guardian hears and ambushes me
> crit fail to see if I am flatfooted
> attack is natural 20, natural 20 to see if critical hit
> it's an axe of sharpness
> *sigh* "I guess I can do without an arm... as long as he doesn't cut off my weiner."
> DM jokingly asks, "Which way does your character hang?"
> "To the left"
> DM rolls d10s on large, complicated body part table
> ... left side...
> ... mid-body...
> ... lower torso...
> groin.

>>14652102
Epic failure. Your supposed to roll less than the dificulty to pass a roll(think leaderships tests and crap in 40k, but with a 1-100 scale instead of 1-6 or 12

>>14652259
> D&D 2e thief

I swear to god that class was made simply for the DM to kill players.

Anyway.

>modified oWoD system for fantasy game
>obligatory bath house episode
>monk character falls into bath with party's undead elf
>asked to make a willpower check to avoid being dazzled by alien beauty
>"Shit nigga I got this, 9d10 out the box"
>roll eight 1's
>mfw I fall madly in love with a zombie elf

>Troubleshooter puts gun to commies head
>"You feeling lucky punk?"
>Pulls trigger
>Crit failure on accuracy check
>Doesn't matter cause he was use a tactical nuke round
>Everything dies

>dude playing half elf rogue
>specializes in sneaking, acrobatics, perception, and talking
>every time he sneaks, he rolls a 1
>alerts groups of gnolls to his position
>falls off roofs multiple times
>generally can only talk

Friend's story, but:
>Epic 4E D&D, gestalt homebrew rules
>Couters of Second Chances
>Natural 1
>Reroll!
>Natural 1
>"Can I reroll a reroll?"
>"Tell you what, roll a d100."
>100
>Couters of Third Chances, they now permanently allow a rerolled reroll
>Still see regular use

L5R. Insight rank 3 Hida heavy weapons specialist visiting home after a long campaign abroad. Dropped by sensei's dojo for a courtesy call and get roped into a jiujutsu demonstration with one of his star pupils. I don't have the advantage of my 2h hammer or my heavy armor and proceed to roll for shit 3 rounds in a row. I end up getting choked out by a 14 year old rank 1 berserker. As punishment my sensei forces me to take weekly remedial jiujutsu classes with his beginner students, who all happen to be kids. Fucking embarrassing.

>halforc barbarian attempts to break down door with axe
>Critfails
>DM has large table of missed attack bits
>Reflex save
>One
>Axe breaks
>Door isn't locked
>goblins on the other side open it to see what the commotion was
>Barbarian grabs the rogue's rapier and charges in, wanting to roll tumble
>He doesn't have tumble
>DM lets him roll anyway
>Natural one
>Reflex save
>Natural one
>SECOND reflex save
>Natural one
>DM rolls some dice behind the screen, asks if he's particularly attached to the character
>"Well, no, but I'd like for him to go out with a bang..."
>"Alright, give me an attack roll."
>One
>Twenty
>Twenty
>OFW the DM describes the barbarian doing a backflip into the room, getting both his legs cut off by goblins with axes, managing to jam the rapier through his own neck, then falling so the blade pierced the eye socket and brain of the goblin shaman

I've got a crit fail, but not for rolling.
>On a train that is literally miles long
>hear suspicious clicking sound
>after an assassination attempt on the party the group (accept the mage) goes to check on the engineer
>two engineers, both claim to be the real one
>both claim the other is going to crash the train unless they stop it
>party tries to figure out which is the real one. The fake's bluff can't be beaten
>Notice that one guy is speaking immediately after the second one when questioned
>first guy starts slowing down the train, but the clicking noise gets faster
>mage walks in, shoots the first engineer in the head
>party not sure if he did the right thing, but the second guy seems to be helping
>turns out he's the imposter, and we can't stop the train
>drive him off, and one of players is teleported somewhere by an unknown NPC
>mechanical expert and his companion can sync with the train to stop it, but needs to roll a 19 or 20 to survive it
>rolled a 7
>both died, but the train and its thousands of passengers are saved
>mfw the DM tells me I had the ability to detect the evil party the whole time

I felt so terrible that I had forgotten about that ability. I had barely ever needed to use it, since all of our enemies are blatantly evil.

This thread has seen this pic too many times.

>>14652483
Maybe you shouldn't have studied heavy weapons if your sensei is a juijitsu master. You embarrassed HIM.

>your typical PC doppleganger situation
>party decides to attack both
>doppleganger dies but the real PC is roughed up pretty good
>my friend decides to roll a heal check and rolls a nat 1

Now in our campaigns, a nat 1 on a skill check isn't an autofail, but my friend had no ranks in heal and had a -1 wisdom modifier.

>my friend's character's logic: "I'll cut around the wound with a steak knife and take it out!"
>PC goes into the negatives, but not dead, I manage to stabalize him.

Bump

>>14652102
Means the core's force field critfailed its roll to deflect the shot.

D20 modern... don't ask.

GM allowed a character to take colourblind as a flaw.

The guy ends up locked in a room with a bomb, I can see it through the security monitor, I am the explosives expert.

Tell him to cut the blue wire.....

>>14652102
95% chance of protection.
So 96 - 100 were a hit.
The DM wanted to reveal the force field - Except the first shot hit the core and destroyed it.

>>14651741
I've seen a player critically fail, not his dice, not his character, the player. Our characters were learning interrogation techniques, he's up to do his roll, mind you it's perfectly clear that we are the interrogators, he says "Who are you and what do you want with me?"

We have never forgotten it and we don't intend on letting him forget it either.

>>14656077
I've got a similar story.

My friend is a Jedi infiltrating a Sith base. He fails a stealth check and is spotted by a janitor. The janitor asks him who he is and why he's there.

He says, and I quote "Don't worry, I'm a jedi."

After we all stopped laughing hysterically, the DM gave him a do-over.

>>14651684

5 Chaos terminators charge a IG squad that has 3 guardsman left.

1 guardsman gets killed in the assault. They fight back and kill 2 terminators.

Terminators fail morale, fail morale re-roll and get swept advanced on.

So the group is doing a bit of talking with the other auction patrons in Dark Heresy, specifically the House of Dust and Ash mission, i had filled out the cast and added a few characters to the patrons of the auction. well one of the guardsmen is talking with a particularly nasty villain who is a hard core cultist. The Cultist starts talking to a Merc-Guardsmen Known as Wrench who is a member of the party. after 10 mins of solid talking rp the Cultist is looking for a way to mulch the competition and asks about the Merc's work. he says and i quote "I've worked for a few Inquisitors as well as commanders. and seen my fair share of duty." i fell over with shock, hoping he would take it back. nope, he kept it up. saying that his inquisitor let him go. the team grilled him for it both in and out of character. they concluded that an execution on the spot of his character would be suspicious.

bump

From a session I had 2 hours ago
>Last encounter of the campaign
>Had agreed with the DM that my cowardly wizard would reveal his true insane nature and would betray and fight the party in a glorious blaze of madness.
>DM gives me 3 level 9 daily spells for this purpose
>First daily hits 1 out of 5 rolls
>minimal damage
>Second daily hits 1 out of 4 rolls
>This just made the party really angry
>Wizard decides to run for his miserable

Okay so not really a critfail, but a fail nonetheless

>playing rogue
>need to steal box from middle of room as part of training exercise
>two guys in middle of room next to box
>decide to throw spare dagger across the room to create distraction
>roll to throw
>1
>roll for severity
>something like 17
>dagger snaps in hand during throw
>blade flies off
>flies off into right eye
>character now wears an eyepatch to this day

doesn't help that later that campaign i manage to get one of my arms crushed and one of my legs impaled on a claw, both also due to rolling 1s

>Dark Heresy
>CHAOS CHIMERA IN A WAREHOUSE AW SHIT BETTER LAUNCH AN ATTACK FROM ALL ANGLES
>warehouse has skylights
>decide to grapnel my way down, pop the hatch on the chimera and firebomb the interior
>fail, impale leg on one of the spiky bits of the chimera
>get back up and fire a few rounds into the surrounding crowd of chaos worshippers while assassin kills what we assumed to be the leader figure
>possessed fucker in power armor pops out of the chimera
>decide to try and crowdsurf him off the chimera
>fail
>impaled on more spiky bits

eventually it ended with me tearing the bolter from the chimera with a chunk of it's armor plating because that's how strong that character was but damn. Impalements, you scary.

>Playing as a bad ass Goliath monk
>Our airship is flying next to another airship
>Being the crazy bastard I am I shoot myself out of a cannon at the opposing ship
>Just need to roll to hit side of the ship
>roll a 1
>Plaster myself against side of the ship, fall to my death

I do admit it's my fault for being stupid, but that campaign was SHIT so I figured I should make it awesome somehow.

Playing BRP in a post Apocalypse setting My character is teaching another character to drive the semi that is the party's main mode of transport.
GM:Make your driving roll
Player 1: 99, well shit
GM: Well you were in third gear so you shifted into to R for race.

MFW truck is totally fragged and we must now spend three hours getting new truck.

>Gather our group of friends for a good ol' all nighter of D&D.
>Everything is going well, everybody is having fun
>Our rogue, Greenleaf, is sneaking around and trying to get past enemies unnoticed
>Suddenly a surprise spot check that critfails.
>Rogue keeps on walking straight into a pitfall trap
>Floor crumbles, reflex save, critfail.
>Roll from a table of-awful-special-shit-that-might-happen with the trap
>Rogue hits his head, roll for damage: Critical, rogue falls unconcious
>The rogue falls straight down to the bottom of the pit into jewel encrusted golden spikes, no saves due unconciousness, roll for damage: Critical
>...Our rogue... Greenleaf...
>...The rogue is dead
>The whole room goes silent.
>This has happened before, maybe it won't happen this time.
>We know what is coming.
>Rogue player is borderline losing it.
>Everyone is uncomfortable and we decide to stop playing.
>We must not leave anyone alone this night. Especially our rogue. We must stick together.
>The spirits are coming... The spirits are coming...
>We can hear them moving in the shadows.
>They have come to claim the dead.
>Rogue starts crying, no one blames him but still we do not want to hear it, it reminds us.
>The whispers grow louder.
>THE WHISPERS GROW LOUDER.
>Should've-never-started-up-DnD-again.jpg

>>14661076
wat

>>14652559

I'm fuckin' crying over here, oh my god.

>>14661076
You see?
This is why you ALWAYS make the ritual and the circle of salt around the table even if it seems like an awfully big chore to do it every single time you have a DnD session.
Getting lazy, even if just once, can bite you in the ass quite hard.

>This is why you ALWAYS make the ritual and the circle of salt around the table even if it seems like an awfully big chore to do it every single time you have a DnD session.

Which is why it was better when we just used mind bondage spells to make people buy us more D&D stuff.

>>14661076
>Greenleaf
>jewel encrusted golden spikes
It's all in the detail.

>>14661076
10/10

I was playing D&D with some buddies a few states a way a couple of weeks ago. My bro was playing a Rogue, it was his first actual game. He likes playing archers, so he's got a shortbow. I swear to God, he rolled at least 6 Crit Fails. He spent damn near half of his money on bowstrings, and at least half of two different encounters re-stringing his bow. He was so pissed and got almost no EXP while the Fighter and the Barbarian(me) murdered everything

WHFB 5th ED

Fully tooled up melee-monster high elf lord on elven steed, vs Ariel (mage character, worthless in melee). IIRC the lord got four attacks per round, hitting on 3+ (or possibly 2+), wounding on 4+, and any wound caused would have been instakill. The horse got one attack, hitting on 5+ and wounding on 5+. Ariel had 3 wounds.

After three rounds of cc, the lord had managed to do jack shit, and the horse had killed the bitch.

>>14661076
Um, I don't get it. What is he referencing.

>>14662343
Dark Dungeons had a Character named 'Blackleaf' die and claims that DND summons spirits and gives people real magic powers.
But I'm going to say Dwarf Fortress.
The trap is jewel encrusted and menaces with spikes of gold.

>>14662343
http://www.theescapist.com/darkdungeons.htm
BLACKLEAF! KNOOOOOOOOOW!

>>14658912

Wait, He said what!? How the in the Emperor's name did they even find out he slipped up like that?

Please tell me somebody wanted to kill him...

Local 40k killpoints tournament, I just have the lead. My Sanguinary priest is in close combat with an ironclad dreadnought. Dread attacks, 2 hit. Needs anything but 1's to draw on killpoints and win on victory points.

Rolls snake-eyes.

Might I interest you in some premium dice?

>>14664225
I am both chuckling and guffawing.

>>14664225
there is so much raw lul energy in that pic its hard to comprehend..

>Play 3.5 D&D.
>Everyone has decided to roll up monks.
>We didn't plan this out, we all showed up with insane kung-fu back-stories, school names, etc.
>DM quietly puts away the notes for the game he had been planning.
>We start out in a noodle-shop.
>Two Monks, one LG, one LE are arguing about the best use of the power bestowed by mastery of Kung-Fu.
>The good one says that kung-fu shows that we all have a place in life.
>The Evil one believes that kung-fu masters should rest at the top.
>My character is a drunken master, CN (DM fiat)
>Saunter over to table.
>Soon joined by the other guy, LN.
>We can't agree on anything.
>Finally say something that lets us stop the philosophic debate.
"We should decide this like warriors."
>initiative rolled.
>Ones all around.
>Evil dude goes first, by virtue of the improved initiative feat.
>Attempts to flip table aside dramatically.
>Rolls a two.
>Having hurt his hand, he decides a flying kick over the table would be better.
>rolls acrobatics and attack.
>1, 2.
>Foot catches side of table, falls onto chair, and flips over backwards.
>I throw my saki the the good dude.
>He catches it and throws it back.
>It breaks on my face.
>I kick table, breaking it in half.
>The lantern on the table falls over on me and I go jump in the decorative pond outside to put myself out.
>The good and the neutral monk stare each-other down.
>The good one attempts to punch him.
>one, two one.
>Trips over table, dislocates own arm.
>Neutral guy does a back-flip out of the way.
>rolls acrobatics, one for the jump, one for the landing.
>18, 3.
>Crashes into nearby empty table, knocks himself out.
>This all took slightly less than six seconds.
>Noodle store guy yells at us for wrecking his shop.

That was a weird/fun game. We spent as much time debating philosophy and fighting each other as we did questing.

Too bad it died three sessions in because the DM had to move.

>>14652920
The sensei taught everything. It's what crab sensei do.

>>14665112
I was chuckling.
This is just funny to imagine. Total derp-fu fighting.

>>14665156

It was one combat round! One round!

We just all exploded into fail immediately.

It was actually fairly awesome after that, and we sucked much less on the whole.

Unplanned Monk rush combined with similtanious DERP just made me laugh.

It took us like ten minutes to recover because in the middle of the shocked silence the DM just did this horribly racism Asian voice and yelled "Why you do dis? Now deer noodles everywhere èrbī bī! At least kick own ass out of door!"

>>14665232
I just completely lost it reading that line.

>>14665232
>>14665156
>>14665112
Your party is in a Chinese comedy movie, dude!
I lol'd at the mental thought of four bad-ass kungfu dudes stare each other down, and then proceed to SHAMEFUR DISPRAY their way out of the noodle shop.

>>14652364
>asked to make a willpower check to avoid being dazzled by alien beauty

Your DM and the elf player need a punch in the dick.

>>14665112
Oh god anon you've murdered me
I'm laughing too much to breath

ever have those characters that seem to live up to the stupid names you give them?

i had a gnome fighter with spears named lord error prone the stumbler. i swear those dice were CURSED

>party member that i cant get to being attacked by stirges!
>throw javelin!
>critical miss on the stirge, now i gotta roll to see if i accidently hit my buddy
>critical hit, the javelin stabs him in the back of the head and he dies


>several weeks later
>necromancer fight
>i die because a giant elephant skeleton crushes a building with me inside it
>get ressurected as a wight by the necromancer
>proceed to roll criticals on all the attacks made against my party members while being controlled by the dm, even manage to kill 3 of them

>>14665112
I couldn't resist screencapping your post.

I love this thread so much, I sadly have no awesome crit fail stories.

The one time I crit failed on attack rolls dropping my sword both times. I said fuck it and just fucking grappled the kobolds and used them as improvised weapons.

My Dark Eldar have had their share of fail moments.
My archon was given a shadowfield which grants a 2+ invul until it fails it once then its broken. Now my archon is getting the shit pounded out of him. This was an apoc match and i dont remember a lot of it but i remember the shit that was hitting him. Rockets, lascannons, heavy bolters, auto-cannons, fire prism blasts and god knows what else were coming his way. Every single one saved. Then after chewing out a squad of terminators in the previous turn he decides along with 3 of the remaining incubi to charge a dire avenger squad. I needed anything but a 1 to be in charge range. and 1 derp. So they are out of range. The dire avenger exarch looks at my archon and declares bulletstorm or w/e the ability is called. Major fail on his rolls. One hit on each dude. I need to make one 2++ and three 3+ rolls. All fail. the incubi are slaughtered the shadowfield is broken and the archon proceeds to evaporate.

>>14665858
Oh God, that would be so frustrating.

That stuff happened to me last game with Celestine and my Canoness riding together. Tanking for a while and then derp rolls. Last game, I went up against a unit of 12 death cult assassins with Celestine and the Canoness. Thanks to both of them having a 2++ I managed to save every attack. I killed 4 back, and then they broke and I overran. I consolidate. His turn comes and I tank meltas, lascannons, multi-lasers and more stuff. A melta gets through that I put on the canoness and she dies. Then 3 laspistol wounds on Celestine. 3 1's. 6 out of 5 faith points lost, no more from matyrdom.

>>14665311
>>14665328
>>14665403
>>14665468

Dammit. Now I feel compelled to tell some 'derp fail' stories, but I can't think of any other good ones.

The only story even remotely related would be the tale of Boxcar Joe, The Magic Hobo who manages to turn his every appearance into a casual rape of probability.

>>14662983
after the meet and greet they retire to their rooms, they are all sharing what they were talking about with the different patrons. well they get to the merc and tells them that he had mentioned serving in several wars. well the arbite rolls scrutiny and 001s and says ok you are leaving something out. some minutes later the merc spills the beans and admits he said he had worked for inquisitors in the past. the psyker wants him dead, the arbite agrees, mind you the arbite is an untouchable so they hate each other. the cleric finally talks reason into the group with, if we kill him now, it will seem quite suspicious to the other party he informed, and its the inquisitor's job.

>cyberpunk 2020
>running down an alley because we're chased by boosters
>Solo critfails initiative
>we've been herded like sheep
>attempt fastdraw
>critfail
>gun falls out of holster and accidentally discharges
>gun sprays in an arc
>where does it hit?
>fail that roll, bullets hit "nearby teammates"
>check to see how many of them were hit
>all of them
>everyone glares at me
>GM points to the solo and rolls for hit location
>1 (headshot)
>3d6+1 damage
>Solo is dead
>Ref points to the fixer and rolls for hit location
>1
>3d6+1 damage, Fixer is dead
>managed to head-shot every single one of my teammates
>Try to shoot booster
>fumble again
>gun jams

>>14651510
Blood Bowl tournament, halfling team, every dodge inside a tackle-zone is successful, even with treemen, dodging OUT of tackle-zone and go for its... 1 success in a entire season.

And that's how my Halfling team became a brawly clusterfuck combat team

>>14665112
>That was a weird/fun game. We spent as much time debating philosophy and fighting each other as we did questing.

God I want to play this game so fucking bad

>RT
>Party is trying to break down a large reinforced door to get to a guy they need to kidnap
>The Voidmaster powers up his powersword
>"Stand the fuck back I got this" attitude
>Roll WS to see how well you do
>Fails by three or four degrees
>"You ram the blade through the door, but it lodges in it."
>Rolls Strength to pull it out, with RT and an AM helping.
>99
>The sheer force of it as it bends accidentically cracks it to the side. The light flickers and you now hold half a sword.
>Dice were thrown

Bump for hilarity.

Bump!

>>14666076
Tell the story!

>Playing Call of Cthulhu
>Ghoul breaks into room in pub to steal documents from a party member
>At this point my character, 55 year old surgeon, goes to confront the intruder with a fire-poker
>Flings door open, sees his first supernatural thing, rolls san, critfail
>Run off gibbering
GM says we'll get to what you do later
Evil grin on his face, calls over a friend to help him select insanity
>Party's badass combat mystery-solving woman pulls a shotgun out of her huge bag and BLAM's the ghoul, it flees.
>Party goes to look for me after a while
>Party finds my shoes a minute down the road
Oh, that's odd, he must have lost them because he was running so hard. Poor Doctor Eastfield.
>Keeps going
>Into fields
>Someone slips over, looks at what they slipped on
Hmm, it's a pair of... gentleman's trousers... how... odd...
>Keep going
>He can't have gone this way, the hedge is far too thick for him to have gone through
No wait, here's a shirt, halfway over the hedge. He must have gone this way.
>Party all creeped out now, very creeped out.
>Keep going through this fie- OHGOD
That sheep has been decapitated

>>14666805
>Party continues, assuming they're close - body is still warm.
>Hears noises
>Human speech and freaky bleating
>That's latin, nobody understands it
I'm OOC filled in on what's going on and quietly muttering body-part names in latin
>The moon comes out from behind a cloud, illuminating the scene
>Dr Eastfield is nude, smeared with blood, wearing the top half of a ram's skull on his own head
>Chanting medical terms in latin quietly
>To keep the noise down, he's bitten the throat out of the still-alive sheep he's still working on
>Party gets close just as he finished and pulls out of the sheep

And that's why they call me Sheepfucker John.

Not so much crit fail, more DM is a faggot

>D&D 3.5
>Bard
>Roll diplomacy to get into a party
>"Oh we don't use diplo and bluff and stuff, we just RP the convo and I decide."
>"What? Oh come on! I can't RP if a sword hits or misses me, so why do the skills I use not count in the same way?"
>DM lets me roll diplo
>20
>"They bouncer is so moved by your words he decides he has to have you as his lover-"
>Wut?
>"-if you won't submit willingly, he'll force himself on you!"
>WUT?!
>"Well I try to stop him."
>"Too late."

Dice were thrown, had a word with her along with a couple of others, everythings fine now.

>>14666846

Yeah I DM on alot of PW's on NWN 2 and that comes up fucking tonnes.

"Oh no we don't use diplo, I think my PC would'nt believe that."

NO, we folllow the rules set out, I have to deal with your min maxing fucking halforc barb' with 20 Str coming at me for lolrandum reasons, you have to deal with my 18 cleric who's just convinced your orc not to attack me, fucking deal with it!

Whats that side mouth? I seem upset? I FUCKING AM!

>>14666873

18 char cleric*

bump

>>14666076
Oh, do tell it, WHM. Come on.

>>14666076
Hey WHM, there's a discussion about your CoC character over here:
>>14667162

>>14666873
Diplomacy doesn't work on other players.

>>14667486

Yeah, neither do any of the other skills

>>14665458
15 year old male Half Orc Ninja named Raifuukyaku Nobushin.
Either "Lightningstep The Shadowless" or "Thunderfoot The Unsubtle"

So far it's been Thunderfoot;

He's fallen into a fountain while trying to listen in on a conversation and masking his attempt at eavesdropping by playing jacks (critfail listen, fail reflex).
Fall off of a building while observing a scout recruit townsfolk to repel a Kobold raid (critfail balance).
And fall face first into some horse dung while sparring with that same scout (rolled a one on his first attack).
He did, however, manage to K.O. more Kobolds than anyone else in the party thanks to passing a lot of grapple checks to pick up a Kobold and throw it at another Kobold... While shouting at them because frontline work is a very poor application of his training (but a very good application of a Half Orc with 18 STR).

He's making a name for himself, it's just not the name he wants...

>>14661076

there are some things that shouldn't require a roll. Imagine critfail on teeth-brushing roll.

>>14668546
everything should require a roll, EVERYTHING!

that being said, it should be almost impossible to critfail brushing your teeth.

>Playing 40k, Orks vs Mahreens
>Ork player shoots with meganobs to a termie squad.
>Sixes everywhere
>I fail 2+ salvations
>The whole 5 terminator squad dies
wtf

>>14668558

Well a relativt critfail in toothbrushing would be like, you realise you have no toothpaste?

>>14668752
toothpaste in eye?

>>14669192

I can see that happening. I have been close to making critfails regarding toothbrushing on several occasions, my brain for some reason suggesting that I use liquid soap rather than toothbrush. Crisis averted in time though.

>Party advanced through a tunnel.
>Fat ass palladin trips a trap door, fails reflex and falls in.
>Character behind him grabs him, fails to see if she can hold her footing, falls in.
>Character behind her grabs her, fail check, fall in.
>Fourth character grabs onto the falling pile, fails to keep up. Would have just fallen over, but critfailed to let go in time, and goes into the pit.
>My character, last in line. Look at the rolls, lean over the table and whisper, "Hell no."
>Everybody walk the dinosaur.

I've had my share of 40K great blunders and successes.
Among my top 2 are:
Eldar vs my Black Templar- kill the Eldar to the man, only a 2 wound Wraithlord remains, and I have over 750 points remaining on the board.
5 missiles, 14 plasma shots, I forget how many heavy bolter shots and a couple lascannons later, the Wraithlord walks through the remainder of my entire army, every shot that would have denied it it's save failed to wound.
The game ends in a tie.
My best success, however, was my OLD chaos army against OLD Grey Knights. Specifically, his Grand Master vs my Great Unclean One.
I charge. His grand Master hits 3 times, wounds twice, and I fail my save.
Grand Master rolls an 11 failing his test to instant kill me.
In my turn I pass my test, dispite the Grey Knight Modifer for Gift of Chaos, roll a 5 over the Grand Master's toughness, and he fails both his 5+ Psychic ward save, and his 4+ invunerable save and is reduced to a chaos spawn.
Grand Master gets insta-killed against the Daemon in all rights he should have insta-killed.
Suck it Ward.

>>14665112
>>18, 3.
>Crashes into nearby empty table, knocks himself out.
>3
>knocks himself out
I know it would be a failure, but that's a bit over the top.

toothbrush critfail would involve the toothbrush snapping in half inside your mouth and stabbing the fuck out of your gums while slipping on the floor and knocking your head on the tile and twisting your ankle.

or something

>>14657476
My GM didn't, because it was perfectly acceptable at the time, we were playing cadets at a military academy.

Who the fuck rolls for brushing your goddamn teeth? Christ, if reality worked like that no one would live to 40.

>>14669450
Also because that gm is sometimes That Guy.

>>14669464

>thatsthejoke.jpg

>Playing chaotic evil party
>decide to kill random hobo sitting in an ally
>rogue crit-fails, slits wrist
>fighter crit-fails, breaks weapon
>Warlock crit-fails, drops staff
>I finally slit his throat with a katar

Also here's a win, but still funny as hell
>following evil henchman after he kidnaps a local girl
>find his hide out and wait for him to leave
>go in, find the girl tied up but concious
>"are you a virgin"
>"yes"
>crit-rape her
>she likes it
>watch the evil ritual fail horribly the next night

>>14669471
I just remembered another time the player critically failed, he was playing an electrokinetic (electricity controller, could throw lightning bolts and shit) he said "I want to see what it feels like to be hit with one of my lightning bolts." to make things better, he mimes it by sticking two fingers in his mouth. Damn near kills himself, would have if I hadn't been so generous at the time. Not a day later in-game (about an hour of taunting out of game) the other player (the GM from the military game) does fundamentally the same fucking thing: He asks to create a light construct as it's in his power set, I say: fine. Then he asks to make it explode, so I say make a roll, he succeeds. I tell him to make another roll, he blows it. I respond "Okay, you made the light construct, and you made it explode. Unfortunately, you didn't think to get away from it, or behind cover, and you blow yourself up." I roll damage "You aren't dead, but you are dazed, that hurt. You guys really are the Wonder Twins."

Mind you Wonder Twins, is just our nickname for them.

Real Life Critfails to?

>Go to bar
>Drink alot
>hmmm should I drink more? roll for Int, critfail, I guess I'll drink more
>going to go home, should I walk or take a cab? Roll for Wis, critfail, I guess I'll walk home
>walking home Run into a wigger, he's all yelling at me and shit trying to mug me, Roll for Cha, Critfail, He pulls out a screwdriver
>oh shit im gonna get stabbed, better run, Roll for dex, Critfail, make itg three steps and fall over
>He's about to stab me, Roll for something!!! Str, Critical HIT, kick guy in the dick, he falls to the ground and I get away
>At home now, trying to sleep, Roll for Con, critfail throw up on myself and Black out

waking up the next moring was horrible

>>14669423
He probably took damage from falling into the table. If they're first level, he has 8+Con mod hp, not that hard to believe that he smacked his head hard enough to knock him to zero or lower.

My Deathwatch game earlier tonight.

>We exit the Thunderhawk
RANDOM ENCOUNTER TABLE
>One Marine steps on some unexploded ordinance
>Dies
GM decides to ignore this because it was ridiculous, but that wasn't the only thing the result did.
>8 fatigue
>Marine is unconsious
Let's get our bikes over this mountain!
>All the bikes catch fire

But then, later, my Imperial Fist is staring down an Iron Warrior who is having some slaves transport the MacGuffin.
>Throw a Frag Grenade at the slaves
>Iron Warrior catches it
Hmm, okay then...
>Throw a Krak Grenade at the slaves
>Iron warrior fails his awareness check
>Iron warrior catches it

Then I rolled crap for damage, and crit failed my dodge roll when he shot at me.

>>14656077
In the category of players critically failing, I had a party hijack a carriage in order to sneak into a diplomat's manor. One put on the driver's suit, and the rest got inside. When they got to the gates, a guard asked for their pass. Instead of reaching into his coat pocket and producing it, the driver panicked, declaring, "I throw 'er in reverse!"

Now, horses don't exactly get thrown into reverse, but he wheeled that thing around wildly, arrows were fired, a desperate chase ensued, parts of the town were burned to the ground, and there was much laughter (once everyone was safely on the lam).

>playin D&D
>first time
>me and my friend are both new to it, our DM has been playing for like 15+ years
>Walk into a room
>DM rolls a secret Spot check for my friend - critfail
>DM: ok, what are you gonna do, theres a chest on the other side
>Friend: Run across the room to get the chest, duh
>Runs across the room, doesnt relize the floor is acid untill 3 or 4 feet into the room
>Roll for Reflex, critfail
>DM: in the shock and panic of the acid burning you and trip and fall into the acid and have died
>Friend: OH GOD DAMMIT
>mfw

In my friends custom D&D setting.

>Level 5, I'm playing the cleric.
>We go on the impossible mission of SOMEBODY WILL DIE.
>We fight a evil cleric type of dude in a falling down shanty.
>Cleric uses the FINGER OF DEATH on my character.
>Nat 20 save roll.
>Kill the evil cleric, get out of the building as it falls.
>Nobody dies, particularly me.

The very next week.
>After going on the MISSION OF IMPOSSIBLE against the SOMEBODY WILL DIE our characters decide to take it easy and fight some green-as-can-be soldiers.
>Doing great. Got through the first gate.
>I charge in with my character, he's feeling pumped after the last mission.
>First guy I come up against, DM rolls. 20.
>Me: "Um"
>DM rolls again. 20.
> "What?"
>DM rolls again. 20. "You're dead."
>MFW

>>14670137
He just said lol u ded? No explanation of how a rookie killed a vet that laughed off being fingered to death?

>>14669651
>crit-rape

Another Real Life Critfail

>playing Drums in my old band, at a small show
>Right after the guitar solo, there is a break in the song
>Going to attept to Spin my drum sticks
>Roll for Performance Skill
>Critfail
>accidently throw one of the sticks and hit the guitar player in the back of the head
>it sets him off guard, Reflex skill roll : crit fail
>he tumbles forward and fall off the stage

>>14670239
He hit him with a sharp piece of metal.

>>14670254
mfw I did that

>>14670254
First concert I ever went to (Big Sugar, pretty famous Canadian band), the drummer lost a stick about 50 feet into the air. It came down on the bassist's head, startled the fuck out of him, and he stumbled into the keyboards, knocking them over.

>>14670371
Im Canadian and Iv never heard of them, I guess I'll have to check them out when my audio drivers are running
thats pretty funny though

(drummer dude)

My group refers to it as the Wizard incident. The party was trying to gain access to a mage guild to see the head wizard. Being strangely non-chaotic and lawful for a change, the group goes up to the front desk and asks to see the wizard:

>Receptionist denies us access
>Bard: "I got this"
>Bard: Rolls diplomacy. Rolls 1. DM describes it as the bard getting kind of tongue-tied and not sure exactly how to get to this guy.
> Sorcerer: Alright, my turn.
>Rolls 1.
>Stumbles and mutters.
>So on and so forth until the barbarian fails HIS roll, resulting in him pounding his fist on the desk screaming "WE SEE WIZARD NOW"

>>14670254
>>14670268
>>14670386
all me, first 2 I forgot to put on my name, and now I forgot my tripcode,

Whenever I play something like that with friends, I'm the only one who ISN'T affected by shit like this

I'm the one running around killing all the monsters and whenever a friend gets a change to attack, they either drop/ break their weapon, miss entirely, stun themselves, or shoot me by mistake

Worst of all, the gm knows this and immediately rages to kill me first, then just toys around with the rest of my incompetent allies

So many critfails in a row...just ludacris.

I've never had that, but I've some isolated critfails that have led to dire consequences. The DM of my Pathfinder games is ALWAYS rolling criticals, too, so even the most mundane of battles is a perilous situation.

Not exactly a crit-fail story, but I think it belongs here none-the-less.

>Plyaing a 3.5 Bard with an epic chin and a Zapp Brannigan attitude
>Assume leadership position of the party
>Bail on the party at first sign of trouble, the trouble being goblins preparing to attack the town
>Leave by myself to the slums
>Rally the 11 town homeless (Perform nat 20)
>Take all the gold my character has and buy 11 sets of leather armour and 11 short swords
>Also buy 2 halberds and 3 shortbows with arrows
>Head to the merchant district and convince the merchants to sell their carts to me minus the horses
>Equip each hobo with leather armor and shortsword
>Command 2 hobos to pull each of the three carts I'd bought
>Set a further 2 hobos on 2 of the carts, with the last remaning hobo on the third cart with me
>The first cart riding Hobo on each cart with the halberds and the second with the bows
>Ride into the third round of combat after the goblins broke through the town wall with a group of three hobo chariots
>mfw

>>14670558
You then sent wave after wave of hobos at them till the goblins got so tired for hobo killing they passed out?

>>14670600
We actually blitzkrieg'd the goblin stronghold with the now small army of hobos and peasants as soon as the first encounter was over as the goblins were weakened. Sure, a few homeless died here and there, but they stunk just as bad as the goblins they were fighting. So kinda, yeah.

>>14660866

Something wrong with your eye there Kheldar? Let me guess, long story?

Speaking of critfails...

Didn't you also critfail an aftershock dagger throw, resulting in your character dropping it and paralyzing yourself?

I had a real life critfail brushing my teeth a few years ago.
I had just gotten out of the shower, dried off and started to brush my teeth. While doing this I start pulling on my boxers, critfail ensues.
As I lifted my leg to pull on the boxers I basically kneed my elbow of the arm I was brushing with, jacking the toothbrush into the side of my mouth, gouging my mouth all to fuck, and spitting blood everywhere. Not a good start to the day.

It seems like drivers around here have critfails all the time. They don't notice the thirty and fifty foot deep ditches on the side of the road and drive off into them. I mean, really, how hard is it to notice a big damn hole?

>>14665112
Everybody was derp-fu fighting...

Oh, if you want a real-life critfail, I have one from when I was about 8. I failed a climb check.

I was climbing up a rounded ladder, like the one in the left of the picture. I had climbed this ladder dozens of times, so I wasn't really paying attention to where I was stepping. As I was about to step onto the jungle gym, my foot went right through the space between the rung and the platform. Oh, how I had wished my fall had ended there.
Instead of just falling through the bars into the sharp wood chips below, my head flew forward and my chin slammed into the last rung. The force caused the back of my head to ricochet into the rung I had been standing on. I them promptly fell face down into the sharp, pointy wood chips below.

Needless to say, I was bawling like a baby for a few minutes.

This is only a drill. Do not panic.

bump

This happened yesterday. Not to me, but to one of my players. Basically, it's a modern wod hunter game. Guy is actually pretty good at stalking targets most of the time, but got completely dice-raped.

Character is on stakeout duty at a suspected targets house. He's perched across the street on a rooftop with binoculars, spying on the targets home.

After getting the information he needed, he leaves via his climbing rope. Even with lowered climbing difficulty for equipment, he botches his climb roll and falls thirty feet, taking bashing damage.

Afterwards, he attempts to enter the target's home, lockpicking the side door. Botch again, breaking his pick and jamming the lock. He decides not to resort to leaving evidence of intrusion (breaking and entering) and waits for the target to leave.

Later that same night, while following the target in his car driving around NYC, I have him make a few drive rolls to shadow him without being noticed. 1 Botch on the first roll, scraping up against some parked vehicles and alerting the target, who runs a red light at the intersection ahead to lose the character. Player says, "I give chase." Triple botch. T-bones the read end of a winnebego at the red light intersection and totals their truck. Target escapes.

Plays CSM versus IG. Chaos lord charges the IG command squad. He's already lost one wound to shooting after his transport got blow up. He kills most of the squad, leaving the officer with a power fist and a standar bearer. Next turn he rolls1 on his daemon weapon, losing a wound. The standard bearer manages to score one wound and he fails his 2+ save. We ruled he was tabbed in the eye.

Againt the same player, this time with Dark Eldar vs IG. Archon and 4 incubi charge 50 guardsmen and a comissar. Kill a load of them, but two incubi die to massed attacks. IG player rolls leadership, but since there's a comissar in the unit, it doesn't take negative modifiers from losing and has ld 10. He rolls 11. Comissar shoots and officer and rerolls. 11. Squad flees and gets run down by the archon. Next turn the remainign two incubi are killed by a squad of 5 veterans carrying meltaguns. Archon charges them and spends 3 turns rolling nothing but 1s and 2s, before finally managing to kill them on the last turn of the game.

>Playing GURPS
>Vigilantes chasing down the Irish Mob, TL9 game
>Shoot at them with my grenade launcher arm
>roll 17
>blow up half the car
>roll HT to not pass out
>roll 18
>welp.jpg

>>14670239

Nah. Level 1 Soldier was just lucky as all get out and beheaded my character with a lucky swing.

>>14670386
youre canadian and you havent heard of them? clearly underage ban.

>>14665858
I FUCKING LOVE MY BLADESTORMING AVENGERS. Seriously those bitches have taken down so many guys...

As for my fail, 40k in 40 mins vs IG
IG get first turn
One squad heads towards pathfinders, running.
Others shoot up half my avengers.
single squad get into CC with pathfinders, kill all of them
My first turn
>50% casualties, so have to roll Ld to continue
Exarch Ld 9, rol 6&4
Game over in ONE FUCKING TURN FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Real Life Critfail on Spot and Use Device.

>Washing LEGO figures of dust so I can use the disassembled pieces to create epic D&D scenery.
>Washing in sink.
>Character's head pops off and falls into drain.
>Can't see it, can kinda feel it, need a little extra light.
>Reach in, flip on light.
>Not the light.
>Flipped on Garbage Disposal.

Did not fail my reflex check though. Hand all chopped up, taped it up, finished washing, went to D&D that night with mummy hands.
>Like a boss.

>Running 4E D&D
>Party is facing BBEG, ridiculous hit points
>Barbarian gets extra attacks every time he crits
>Barbarian has +5 vicious weapon, high crit, war ring
>This means his crit damage alone is 6d12+3d8+20
>He attacks, crits
>Rolls again, crits
>crits...crits...crits...crits...crits...
>Ten crits and four hits later my BBEG has lost 2/3 of his maximum hit points
>That encounter becomes far, far easier than it was every meant to be
>Everyone still had fun

This is why I don't like playing games which have a 1 in 20 chance of critfailing.

It's also why I fucking love that some of the more popular games have a 1 in 20 chance of critfailing because it leads to hilarious shit like this thread.

>>14672330
>GURPS
>critfailed only once, it was boring (just failing a death check, so it's hard to get extra-fucked)

Not my story but it fits.

>playing GURPs
>the entire party is hopped up on drugs save for 1 person
>said person can't drive the escape van.
>-insert challenge accepted here-
>strange mutant creature things start to crawl onto the van.
>OH GEE, LET ME SWERVE AND TRY TO SHAKE THEM OFF.
>crit fail.
>Van rolls and goes out of control.
>rolls 6 times, slams into tree sideways
>driver walks out fine
>party in the back is near critical HP
>Total damage done to party;
>Completely destroyed right leg. No bones in lower leg.
Taken by the drugged up meant-to-drive PC
>Broken arm/wing/thing on mutant sniper
>Mutant Heavy Weapon's expert ribcage completely shattered
>Driving PC is scratched.

The party in the back was meant to be dead. GM said nope.

This one is back from 6th edition WHFB.

>Playing Lizardmen vs. Empire, about 2.5k points
>His list was a state troop heavy list
>Mine was 6th ed. Lord Kroak, back when he was 1.2k pts. alone, a steggadon, and skinks
>Battle in my favor, done to skinks and steg cleaning up a cannon or 2 and some handgunners
>Kroak is in combat with his Elector Count with a unit of Halberdiers and handgunners on the flank
>Using magic the turns before they charged and Kroak's standard that does S3 hits on everything in base contact, whittle the units down to the Count, the standard bearer from the halberdiers unit, and a single handgunner
>Neither side going anywhere, he can't wound Kroak, both sides are tied in combat
>Finally, the handgunner gets lucky and wounds Kroak, making it through his ward save
>Kroak loses combat, takes his Cold-blooded Ld9 test
>Rolls triple 6's
>Re-roll, since he has the army's Battle Standard
>Rolls 2 6's and a 5
>Kroak runs, he pursues
>The Elector Count and halberdier standard fail to catch him
>The handgunner does

1.2K and the game lost to a single handgunner.

>>14666812

Hi SF, Dany here, I'd heard it had something to do with sheep but never the actual story. Amazing.

>>14660866

FYI, Kheldar, it was a 19 which was a crit with your high crit dagger feat (also, your DM browses /tg/)

>>14672573

Ladies and gentleman, this man is my DM. He tormented our group for months with endless waves of crab enemies. You shit.

I think everyone in our group browses /tg/, bar Angela...

Pic related, it's Rosenstein.

>>14672652
I have plenty more, if you'd like?

>>14672807
>>14672652
>>14672573
ITT "Lets circlejerk about our campaign"

Post relevant stories or GTFO

>>14672869

ok dokie, see ya.

Aww shit just remembered one from my childhood:

> Playing Warhammer Fantasy - around 6th edition I think, 8-9 years ago - at local GW on a Sunday - 10 or so people (all around 12-13) with one unit
> I use my Treeman, fuck yeah.
> Orc wolf rider things charge me, fully expect to stomp him down, as does the redshirt. The other guy realises he can only wound me with his champion at the last minute and almost cries.
> Fuck yeah, victory assured.
> He gets one wound on me, after shit rolls, I kill two units
> He wins combat res for charging and extra rank.
> I fail leadership test
> I roll a 3 when fleeing
> He runs me down
> Whole opposing team cheers
> mfw

> Get home, realise that my Treeman hates Orcs and Goblins - could've re-rolled misses. I think he had an ability akin to stubborn now, so shouldnt have been running
> Essentially, I was cheated out of it as the redshirts let it fly.

I used my Wardancers next week and fucked up the same guy :D

WFB (6th or 7th ed)

>1000 points Dwarf vs. Ogre Kingdoms
>Leadbelchers charge unit of 15 Ironbreakers
>7 2+ saves
>6 1s
>Double 6's on Leadership
>Leadbelchers overrun and proceed to flank and break each of my units in turn

Looking at that, it might have been Gnoblars, not Leadbelchers. All I remember is that it was Ogre Kingdoms and I failed a bunch of 2+ saves.

Also, 40K
>Dark Eldar
>Archon w. Shadow Field
>Fail first save of the game, EVERY GAME

This is one of the reasons I stopped playing Warhammer.

ITT: No one ever heard of taking 10.

Epic win on my part~ epic fail for the other guy

Playing 40k 10k+ point battle~

I've just got ~15 space marines
All but one die, he makes leadership.
Lone missile launcher in middle of battlefield
Ship (cannot remember what it was to this day) flying over him
Roll to hit
6
Roll for armor penetration
6
Consult vehicle damage table
6

Ship is annihalted in ball of fire, guy stares in shock for a second, starts whining about me 'not rolling right' before walking off with tears in his eyes.

Sadface when no brofist from my teammates because I don't know anybody there...

Holy shit, this thread's alive?

Still?

>>14665311
>>14665328
>>14665403
>>14666076
>>14666492
>>14666793
>>14667443
>>14667474
>>14669423

Well, apparently the people want to hear of Boxcar Joe, the Magic Hobo.

The Saga begins where most of my tales of 'what the fuck just happened' did, Dark Heresy.

Back when I didn't know how the rules worked (actually, I still don't. On purpose. Back then I cared.) I was shown a Random Character Generator for the system.

What I ended up with was a guy who had only two real talents: Playing his Bass Guitar, and Running.

He was mostly broke, only owning the cloths on his back, his Bass Guitar, and a Couch that was 'In remarkably good shape'.

He was a psyker, one of the really weak ones (so weak it was actually impossible to tell IC if he was).

He had a look that could only be described as 'Business casual, if it was slept in. For about a week.'

When he was described to the group, one of my friends remarked 'So you're playing some sort of Magical Hobo?'

That's where his name came from. The original name, that was rolled for, was immediately discarded for the moniker of 'Boxcar Joe, the Magic Hobo'.

If you give me a minute, I'll start typing up the shit that happened.

>Nids versus Tau
>500-point game
>mow down his fire warriors, charge remaining gaunts at his ethereal
>no wounds
>"Well okay, it's not like he'll get any decent strikes ba-"
>rapes the shit out of half of them
>"Okay, he had a good turn there, but I've still got his five to o-
>rapes the last of them
>"Well that was a bitch, but I've still got that carnifex going at his other squad of fire war-"
>carnifex goes down in a hail of bullets
>"SON of a...OKAY, I've still got my hive tyra-"
>last turn, game ends
>"Fuck."

>>14675909

First mission for the Inquisitor, I wasn't in the group yet.

They landed in the hive where I was living to investigate some sort of disappearance of an associate.

Boxcar Joe was trying to remember where he put has bottle of Sacra.

They met up with some local arbitrators, got some leads, and went hunting.

Boxcar Joe played his Bass with a rhythm so perfect it created an impromptu dance party in the lower hive.

The acolytes got into a heated firefight just outside the pub where Boxcar Joe was trying to drink his lunch in peace.

He stepped out, and this is where I became aware of my surroundings.

On my left, A tech-priest, some sort of imperial assassin, two guardsman, and someone who looks like they just stepped out of a pulp PI novel from the 50's. Trench coat, fedora, whole shebang.

On my right, 50 genestealers. Give Or Take.

I grabbed my bottle, and chucked it at the xenos.

I won't lie and pretend I remember all of the numbers, but:

>The bottle hit a Hive Tyrant that was invisable for some reason.
>Said hive tyrant had its eyes burned by the pure alcohol
>Hive tyrant thrashed into bridge.
>30+tonnes of Concrete and other building materials fall, killing all but two genestealers. One is shot by the detective, the other Joe kicks in the face so hard it gets decapitated.

I then looked over at the stunned group.

"Off-worlders, yeah? You have to watch the local cockroach population. bastards get real uppity every couple of years."

I was then shanghaied into the group.

I'm not going to tell all the DH related tales, but he lasted pretty much the entire campaign. Whenever he was directly involved in a confrontation, all rolls would go right to either end of the spectrum. Every other roll was a Crit or a Crit-Fail.

In the end, he got sucked into the warp surfing his couch.

That isn't the end of his story.

>>14676032

About a month later, I was running a Shadowrun game (4th if it matters).

They were all rolling up characters, and there was one new guy who wasn't there for the DH game.

He opted for a random creation thing.

Ended up with a technical pacifist Hobo street shaman who lived on a couch in a downtown alleyway.

He owned a Bass Guitar, Aviator shades that looked slightly too big for him, and his couch was even described as 'in remarkibly good shape'.

We all joked that two different computers with two different random generators had created Boxcar Joe.

After explaining why it was so fucked up to the new guy, he laughed and named his character Boxcar Joe, the Magic Hobo.

The game went along normally for a while, and then the first combat happened.

Boxcar Joe grabbed a can of tomato soup, spent a point of edge, grabbed six dice, and let fly at one of the guys trying to mug him.

We have a rule when it comes to exploding dice: every other time a die 'explodes' the intended effect gets bigger.

27 hits later, all seven thugs (one of whom was hiding around the corner) were dead from the side effects of that thrown can. One gun also discharged into a passing truck, instantly killing the driver with a head-shot and bringing the delivery van to a crashing halt into the entrance of the alley.

Boxcar Joe starts freaking out, because stopping the thugs cost him his dinner.

Before anyone in the group could console him, the back door of the delivery van popped open revealing the randomly rolled for cargo: Assorted food-stuffs.

The game lasted about six months, and in the second to the last session Boxcar Joe lost control of a spell and got thrown into a magic portal out of reality.

After that game, a couple of our players went their separate ways. We played some games with some new guys, and then I ran into one of the dudes who left.

He had a story to tell about Boxcar Joe.

>>14676140

Turns out that she played in a Delta Green game, and one of the guys in the group, using some form of random generator, ended up creating Boxcar Joe.

When she met him for the first time in the game, she started laughing about the character, saying he sounded like someone from an earlier game: Boxcar Joe the Magic Hobo.

At this point, according to her telling, the group fell silent. They showed her the sheet.

Name: Boxcar Joe, the Magic Hobo.

They then informed her that it was a running joke for a couple of local groups, where a musically inclined 'Magic Hobo' with a couch 'in surprisingly good shape' had turned up in more than a few random character generators.

Part of the running joke was that Boxcar Joe played merry-hell with the dice-gods and the laws of probability.

So then I asked her to find out when these games happened in relation to ours.

After doing some math (and a little bit of guesswork) I made an interesting discovery: Firstly, due to a combination of game schedules and campaign lengths, it seems as though Boxcar Joe was not in any two games at once. In parallel running games yes, but if one game was on a Tuesday and so was another, something would happen that would amount to Boxcar Joe going away for that one session (like the guy being sick).

Secondly: Every time Boxcar Joe has left a game, he hasn't died. At least not in a way that the body was ever found.

Sucked into a portal, thrown off a cliff, Gellar Field failure, etc. Almost certain deaths in every-case, but no body ever found.

Sometimes the game ends and Boxcar Joe just hitches a ride out of town or something, never to be seen again.

As a result, I have a sneaking suspicion that every appearance of the character 'Boxcar Joe' is in fact the same person.

>>14676251
>>14676140
>>14676032

>mfw

>>14676251

As far as my personal theory goes I have two pieces of evidence in my favor: Every instance of his apperance that I can find involved both a random character generator, and the laws of probability going right out the window.

The implications of this same person appearing in (no particular order) Dark Heresy, Rogue Trader, Shadowrun, Exalted, Old AND New Worlds of Darkness, Deadlands, Call of Cthulhu, Delta Green, DRYH, Star Wars, MAID, six different GURPS games, D&D (Faerun, Ebberon, Dark Sun, Spell Jammer, and at least two homebrew settings), Fantasy Craft, Spy Craft, and about six different homebrew games?

Fucked if I know.

Not sure I want to.

A friend of mine once pointed out that if we swapped the couch out for a phone-booth, he would bare an uncanny resemblance to The Doctor.

I'd rather not think on that possibility too hard.

rolled 32066 = 32066

>>14676251

Bravo sir.

One Billion internets to you.

>>14676321
"What is a Magic Hobo of?"
"Everything."

>>14675909
>>14676032
>>14676140
>>14676251
>>14676321

Great googly moogly...

bump

some one cap joe

D&D 2e playing a ranger.

>Fumble bow shot
>DM "Bow string snaps raking down your arm."
>Draw dagger go into combat
>Fumble
>DM "You stab yourself in the thigh."
>Next round of combat
>Fumble
>DM "You stab yourself in the other thigh."

I fumbled again in the next encounter and snapped by bow. We named the Character McFumbleton.

Waffle House Millionaire always has good character stories.

Somebody cap those and string them together in a single cap.

>>14679270
Bam. And oh man I couldn't stop laughing reading this. I wept.

Shit, posted in the wrong thread earlier.

>Play neotech, roll under,
>2 6s in the beginning automatically fail a skillcheck, Botch if it rolls over.
>You also roll an extra die with each 6
>Exploring the frontier of space
>Character is an excentric multimillionaire who's transferred his mind to a battlearmor
>See shuttle(is laika but we don't know)
>retrieve it.
>Prepare for a passionate speech for the redshirt.
>"Ok, roll 4 dice vs leadership"
>4 6s, my leadership skill is not that high to begin with.
>It goes on like that.
>Speech is instead about how he's going to be the first one to nobly die in case there's some sort of horrible virus/thing/whatever, then how the entire crew of the tin can will probably follow.
>Crew morale gets fucked up the arse
>Major Tom is not amused.

Where is that aquaman template when you need it?

>>14657476
During a Pathfinder game, one fellow was a guard for a small town. Happening upon a bar argument he said "Who are you?!"
They reply with their respective names.
"I don't care?!" and he then (not put them in time-out) but 'separated them into corners so they stop fighting'

Holy shit, 4 days?

>>14675909
>>14676140
>>14676251
mfw

>>14675909
That's absolutely badass as fuck dude. Fucking hobos man...

>new D&D party
>enter some easy dungeon under our starting city
>everyone has to make a -3 dex check to cross a slippery bridge
>1st guy: critfail, falls down, falling damage, some skeleton down there attacking him
>me trying to help him out, fail the roll, fall down as well, trying to avoid fall damage, critfail
>me within an inch of life falling on 1st guy, meanwhile skeleton still attacking, crits 1st guy, kills him
>3rd guy still up in front of the bridge "well thanks and everything but I guess I'll just go home now"

we never played again...

Bumping. Not dead yet!

>>14685103
Been bumping this for the past few days. I won't let this thread die on my watch!

>>14681449

and people are STILL CONTRIBUTING

I've already done so, so I'm kind of... wait! I got another!

>Dark Heresy, trying to destroy a gunship (I forget what I used) on the ground
>Psyker is between the Guardsman player and the heavy bolter
>Guardsman fires anyway
>Psyker dodges
Then, after the battle
>Psyker: "I spasm him for being a dickhead"
>Perils
>Daemonhost
>TPK

It was a shame, that game had Myr, the greatest Feral Worlder to grace the 41st millenium. My group still refers to Microbeads as "Talky-beads".

>>14679856
I so badly want for that not to have been a load of mythic-sounding bullshit...

My dad walks into the livingroom where my sister and I are watching TV, "That new toothpaste y'all got tastes like shit. I don't see how you can use it. It was all I could do to brush my teeth just once with it!"

Sister and I are all "What new toothpaste?"

Dad comes back out with it and my sister screams, "Oh my God that's my PIMPLE CREAM!"

On the flipside, a critical success, but prompted by an absolute failure:

>Party is fighting several enemies with scythes. Party rogue is next to an undamaged one, with a damaged one in charge range away
>Party derp: I'LL GO ATTACK THAT DAMAGED ONE
>>you'll take an AoO, man, these guys are nasty, you probably shouldn't do that
>I'LL TAKE THE AOO, COME AT ME BRO
>AoO roll: 20
>Confirm: 19
>Damage: Max
>HP before: full
>HP afterwards: -15 or so

hive tyrant charges my penal legion who has the rending special rule

tyrant has 3 wounds left
kills all but one, he rolls double one on his LD rolls six to hit six to wound.

next assault phase...tyrant cant hit the lone Legionnaire...guardsman does another rending wound

Next round tyrant hits with all of his attacks, player goes fucking finally going to kill this fucker
>rolls to wound
>all ones
I roll my single attack and hit a six, and then roll for wound another six

the guy grabbed my mini and was about to throw it when the store owner (who was watching and looks like he could eat a concrete wall) just goes "i wouldnt do that if i was you" the guy runs and leaves his minis, and to this day they are still stuck behind the counter at my FLGS

>>14652394
>Tacnuke round

Sweet jesus, what game is this?

>>14688636
Most likely Paranioa. They have nuclear hand grenades.

The minimum blast radius is greater than the maximum thrown range. And the PCs don't know this.

>>14687092
AND THEN THEY FUCKED

>>14688671
>The minimum blast radius is greater than the maximum thrown range. And the PCs don't know this.
Love it. Just love it.

I've only ever had critical success.

>Playing D&D
>Goliath barbarian
>Attempt to bash down heavy bolted door with a Mac style kickstomp
>Critical success!
>Door rockets off it's hinges into the adjacent room, crushing the NPC within.
>MFW

>>14688671

I thought tacnukes could only be used in cone rifles? (Barring the usual GM dickery which is given in Paranoia).

THIS THREAD WILL NOT DIE!