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  • File : 1300494101.png-(309 KB, 500x400, Banner.png)
    309 KB Drunken Mage Quest BoozeHound !TB7zDnr.js 03/18/11(Fri)20:21 No.14289844  
    (With thanks to the anon who made the banner)

    You are Garth Gray, mage and drunkard extraordinaire. The drunk part isn't your fault, of course, that being a permanent side effect of a miscast spell you tried to use a few weeks ago.

    Last night, using only your awesome might and a mind completely numbed by alcohol, you managed to do that which an entire army could not: Defeat the dreaded Dark Lord Blackmoor. Trapping him for all time in a bottle of infinite Vodka, and breaking (on accident) the ritual floor which he planned to use to steal the souls of everyone in Zeroc, a city which you are now five hundred yards above. Having drunkenly saved the day, you bedded the tiefling thief Jaina, and then passed out. Your party has been called to the king of Zeroc's palace, to be awarded some medal or something. Apparently the party divided up the loot while you were trying to get your shirt on for three hours.

    You got the cool flying castle and all the books and stuff, and the rest of the party got all the money and jewels.

    Stumbling down the stairs and into the strangely clean room below, you wander down to the currently south tower, where your party is sitting around a map, discussing something or other. You take a drink from your bottle of Vodka, which yells at you. "Oi, gitface, stop drinking from me bottle!"

    Oh, right. Blackmoor is in the bottle. And he's drunk.

    Wat do?
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)20:25 No.14289888
    Drink some more, and then go look at the map, mumbling about owls.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)20:28 No.14289923
    Take off your shirt. We have no need of clothes.
    >> Alpharius 03/18/11(Fri)20:31 No.14289967
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)20:36 No.14290018
    Jesus, when did /tg/ start playing Unknown Armies?
    >> BoozeHound !TB7zDnr.js 03/18/11(Fri)20:49 No.14290170
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    Previous thread
    Drinking from your now cursed bottle of Vodka, you struggle to pull off your shirt, muttering about owls and their job-stealing ways, as your party gives you blank looks. Falling against a suit of armor, it holds you on your feet as you decide that its not worth it. Calling forth the powers of magic, you teleport the shirt out the window. Stumbling towards the table, you begin to dance as you fall around the room. You drink some more, and after a bit more dancing, manage to climb into a chair by the table.
    >So... uh... wait... what are we doing?
    Fredrick, sitting across from you, sighs and puts his hand to his head.
    "We're planning our route to the lost fortress of Iundiar, in the mountains of Grognard. It supposedly has great wealth and some kind of powerful artifact."
    Jaina looks at you, and turns back to the map. You drink some more and scratch your ass. The map has some little tiny figurines of your party on it, and a bunch of drawings. Hey, isn't that the one you did last week? The giant penis dragon attacking the beholder?
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)20:52 No.14290201
    Create an illusion of a penis dragon and have it start dancing for random people in town AFTER we leave. Like a curse, really. It never stops.

    We need another endless bottle, too. Partly for mix and match, partly for trapping souls. Can we kill a lich now? Pretty please? Can we turn ourselves into a drunken lich?
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)20:53 No.14290218
    "aawww man the Dong-Dragon is gonna shoot the Beholder in the eye!"
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)20:56 No.14290248
    We should also make all clothing except our party member's within Zeroc become a gigantic pink ballgown of silk, with blue sequins. Oh, and they comment on the hygiene and genitals of their owner.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)21:01 No.14290323
    Must perform Mage Hand-Hand Job under the table while staring at Jaina.
    >> BoozeHound !TB7zDnr.js 03/18/11(Fri)21:22 No.14290538
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    You stare at the penis-dragon for a while. Thinking. And thinking some more. You look at Jaina, and think about something different, while quietly under the table thinking further. After a few minutes, you return your attention to the penis-dragon. The others are still discussing the lost fortress or whatever, but you don't care about that. No, what you do care about is spreading the joy of the penis-dragon to everyone in the city. Your mind, abuzz with raw magical potential, readily begins to craft the permanent illusion. A massive penis-dragon, dancing in the town square, to appear whenever you are not within the city limits. It is difficult to focus, drunk as you are, but you craft it expertly. Ten stories tall, and perfectly proportioned, it is a masterful piece of art. You wonder if the people of this city will appreciate it, as you transform their clothes into pink ballgowns covered with blue sequins. The party is still discussing the fortress, as you finish weaving your magery. Fredrick turns to you.
    "Could you just teleport us there? Not that I really trust you to not send us into a volcano, but could you?"
    You slur your speech a bit.
    >Yeah, shurre.
    "Ok then."
    He returns his attentions to the map. You take another swig of the cursed booze, as Blackmoor's spirit flies around singing daisy bell.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)21:40 No.14290747
    Let's teleport to the fortress now! Why wait?
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)21:46 No.14290820
    Roll up the map with mage hand, and turn it into a penis.
    >> Alpharius 03/18/11(Fri)21:49 No.14290854
    ask blackmoor about his life
    then teleport everyone except the party leader to the place of whatever it is they wanted
    teleport the party leader to a bee hive
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)21:53 No.14290897

    No no! Teleport everyone, leader included, AND a bee hive.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)22:09 No.14291093

    >> BoozeHound !TB7zDnr.js 03/18/11(Fri)22:13 No.14291143
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    The other party members are distracted. Now's your chance. Grabbing the map and rolling it up, you jump from your chair and fall on your ass. The map turns into a penis as you energize it with magic, and the party begins to ask what the fuck you're doing, as you teleport them to the fortress.
    "-uck are you doing!?"
    >We're here!
    A beehive appears in mid air nearby, and drops ten feet to the ground. Buzzing comes from within it, and soon a massive swarm of bees comes forth to attack you. Firing off a fireball, you incinerate the bees and the hive, which explodes into boiling hot honey.
    "Dammit, Garth, what the fuck!? We weren't ready yet!"
    You drink some more, and wander towards the entrance to the fortress. Behind you, you hear groaning, and grunting. Samantha yells out something about zombies, and the sound of weapons being draw is audible. You continue to drink, and ask Blackmoor about his life, as your party fights off the undead horde.
    "I was born in a... uh, whatever, them big stone houses, an my pa was the ruler of the place around that house, and stuff. He was some kinda necromancer, and taught me everything he knew.. and then-"
    His voice is drowned out by the sound of the epic battle going on behind you.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)22:15 No.14291167
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    I support this. Because BEES OH GOD

    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)22:16 No.14291173
    Can't a man talking to his cursed vodka bottle get a little fucking peace and quiet? They're probably asking for our help or some ridiculous shit. Zone of Silence on their battle and get back to our talkin'
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)22:23 No.14291258
    Belch Vodka on EVERYTHING in fortress. COAT EVERYTHING IN VODKA. USE MAGIC. Cast fire proofing on o9urselves.

    Set it all on fire, and then cast fire proof and extinguish fire on the party members. In that order.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)22:26 No.14291290
    I second this
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)22:41 No.14291484
    Oh, I think the Tiefling needs some attention. Float her above the battle and create some spectral cocks to start sodomizing her. They can take turns.
    >> BoozeHound !TB7zDnr.js 03/18/11(Fri)22:42 No.14291507
    Sorry, went to get some scotch. Back now, will post.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)22:47 No.14291560

    No we want to be annoying and a pest, but still more useful than outrageous to the party. We can mess with them as individuals later.
    >> BoozeHound !TB7zDnr.js 03/18/11(Fri)23:05 No.14291765
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    Annoyed by the noise, and wanting to hold a conversation with Blackmoor, you turn and prepare to create a Zone of Silence. Dozens of zombies lie slain at the party's feet, and more are coming. Forcing your will upon reality, you create a sphere of pure silence. The zombies pause, confused, and attempted to make noise, to no avail. Spotting you, the rush past the party, several of them being tripped and cut in half as they do. As they near you, you act quickly, creating a portal to the Plane of Alcohol in your mouth and spraying highly pressurized Vodka on the zombies, pushing them back with the force of a fire hose. Lighting the stream on fire with your inebriated mind, the zombies scream as the fire reaches them, and they burn to a crisp. You continue to belch forth flaming booze for another minute, spraying down any zombies that come near you, and then turning towards the fortress. The booze igniting the dried rotting wood in the fortress's walls, the stone begins to crumble as the walls collapse. Finally, you enter the now burning fortress, creating a shield against fire and heat around you. You dispel the portal as you stand in the entrance hall, the walls around you falling into piles of rubble. Your party members run in, trying to avoid the flames. Thomas' cloak is caught on fire, but you put it out as it burns up to his neck. Shielding the rest of your party as well, you continue chatting with Blackmoor as the entire fortress falls apart around you.
    "-and that's when I decided I wanted to be Dark Lord of the world. Then you came along and put me in this bottle."
    "Hey, Thomas, calm down, the treasure is in the cazerns below, it's fine. Probably."

    The fortress is still burning.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)23:08 No.14291804
    Let's drink some more, and then put the fire out.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)23:15 No.14291863
    Let's put the fire out with vodka.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)23:17 No.14291876

    No make the fortress into vodka to put out the fire.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)23:18 No.14291898

    Offer your party members a drink from the bottle to celebrate, and point out how cool the fortress looks on fire. Then cast Stone to Mud on the fort and put out the fire.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)23:28 No.14291999
    Don't let this thread die, dammit.
    >> BoozeHound !TB7zDnr.js 03/18/11(Fri)23:43 No.14292155
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    The other members of the party stand awkwardly, as the fire continues to burn. After having another drink of your Blackmoor brand Vodka, you glance around. Offering the bottle to your teammates, they decline, and you shrug and drink more.
    >This is pretty cool, innit?
    The others sigh, and Jaina speaks up.
    "Apart from the destruction of a centuries old monument to the brave souls who guarded these lands from invasion, yes, yes it is."
    >Oh you're no fun.
    "Uh huh."
    The fire continues to burn, and you stand there looking like an idiot.
    "Are you going to put the fire out?"
    >I don't know, maybe?
    "I think you should."
    Your waifu having asked a favor of you, you do as she wishes. With a wave of your hand and a large amount of mystical energy, you transform the cracked stone and rock into Vodka infused mud. This, of course, burns even more that wood, so you again use magic to turn it into regular mud. The fire, with nothing to burn save wood covered with mud, goes out quickly. Fredrick, Jaina, and Sam go to the west to check out the ruins, and find the entrance to the caverns. Thomas and Veronica go to the east, to do the same. You are now alone, in the middle of a clearing amid the burnt wood and dried mud. You drink some more booze, and throw up a bit. It hits the ground and catches on fire, but goes out quickly.

    Sorry if I'm slow tonight, I haven't gotten drunk enough yet.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)23:50 No.14292230
    First, transfigure the mud into stone, and cover it with images of the tiefling getting reamed. Create a stairway to the caverns below, and shit all over it just in case something is waiting below. I want a goddamned geyser of tarrasque feces.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)23:52 No.14292240
    What does our party consist of, other than Jaina?
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)23:56 No.14292268
    No. Animate the mud and make it ream the tiefling.
    >> BoozeHound !TB7zDnr.js 03/19/11(Sat)00:00 No.14292302
    I'm gonna wait for more responses after you, but your party consists of:
    Jaina, a thief. You know who this is.
    Fredrick, a human warrior specializing in polearms, and the 'leader' of your little group. Killed a dragon once, made a spear out of its bones.
    Thomas, a dwarven archer. Doubles as party scout when Jaina won't.
    Veronica, elvish monk. Hits stuff with her fists.
    Samantha, Paladin of some sort. Carries an axe. half-elf.
    >> Indonesian Gentleman 03/19/11(Sat)00:02 No.14292314
    Make mudcakes. Thousands of them. In the shape of chocolate tart. Make them contain so much pressurized vodka.
    Then teleport them randomly.
    >> Anonymous de Bergerac-Fleur !RZND91lf7s 03/19/11(Sat)00:06 No.14292340
    Create a bottle of MAGIC GLOWING TIME VODKA!
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)00:07 No.14292355
    Let's make it rain. I mean like rain in the club kind of raining.
    >> Anonymous de Bergerac-Fleur !RZND91lf7s 03/19/11(Sat)00:13 No.14292400
    well, OP?
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)00:16 No.14292433
    We should also have lots of flashing lights and lower the ambient light levels around the fortress because we need to DANCE and make them WITNESS OUR MOVES.
    >> Anonymous de Bergerac-Fleur !RZND91lf7s 03/19/11(Sat)00:19 No.14292456
    Did OP pass out?
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)00:23 No.14292504
    Let's scry on the rest of the party. They are probably bored sneaking around in a dungeon, we should liven things up with like... a laser light show or something. And techno.

    Also, let's try to sober up just a wee bit. We're forever drunk, but that doesn't mean we have to fuck up everything. We can just be slightly to moderately drunk for a while, since our waifu was pissed.
    >> BoozeHound !TB7zDnr.js 03/19/11(Sat)00:23 No.14292508
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    Getting a bit more drunk now, so this'll be fun.
    Looking around, and vomiting some more Vodka onto the ground, you decided to make some art of Jaina. Using dozens of mage-hands and telekinesis, you shape large balls of mud, and form them into lifelike statues. Each one of Jaina getting her ass reamed in a different position. Soon, they have lined the clearing, and created a sequence that tells a story. But you aren't done yet. You animate the statues using your amazing knowledge of magic, and soon the statues are moving of their own accord, in a set series of movements. All contributing to the greater art piece. Your creation completed, you think to leave before the other return, and cast permanent audio illusions on the statues before creating a staircase down into the cavern below. Pausing halfway down to take a deuce on the steps, you continue onwards, into the dark. You staff at the ready, it begins to glow, shining light all around the cavern. What you see would make a normal man have a heart attack. But you are no normal man. Mountains and mountains of gold, jewels, and magic items line the cavern walls, and floors. A dragon's skeleton sits atop the highest pile, glowing with soft blue fire from its eyes. You recognize it after a few minutes of staring drunkenly. It's a dracolich, and this is its lair. It must be extremely powerful.

    You take a piss off the staircase and continue to climb down to the cavern floor. The staircase stops at an angle away from the dracolich, giving you some cover from its line of sight. You take another swig from your bottle of cursed booze.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)00:26 No.14292530
    A dracolich, eh...
    Fill its eye sockets with those little umbrella things. Then cast stone-to-mud on the cavern roof above it.
    >> Anonymous de Bergerac-Fleur !RZND91lf7s 03/19/11(Sat)00:27 No.14292549
    Get it reeeeeeeeally drunk. The PARTAY!
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)00:28 No.14292552
    Teleport everyone here. They've gotta see this!
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)00:29 No.14292566
    Dracolich? More like draco-bro-lich. He seems like a cool dude, let's go talk to him. Once we've engaged him in conversation let's teleport everyone else here too. They should be introduced to our new bro.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)00:32 No.14292591
    Let's get slightly less drunk. We're being an ass, and our waifu got mad at us. We should try helping out more.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)00:34 No.14292610
    Send a voice to everyone else saying "HEY GUYS, GUESS WHAT I FOUND. GO DOWN THE STAIRS" and teleport them to the top. So they can see the art exhibition.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)00:36 No.14292631
    Make the dracolich drink the bottle with our dark lord in it.
    >> Alpharius 03/19/11(Sat)00:39 No.14292659
    casually ask the dracolich how it's doing
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)00:39 No.14292660
    What up, dracolich dude?
    Impossibly powerful creatures of magic are our bros. Even if they aren't drunk, yet.
    And tell our waifu to stop worrying about the fortress burning down, it's not like it was lost for centuries or taken over by a dracolich or anything.
    >> BoozeHound !TB7zDnr.js 03/19/11(Sat)00:53 No.14292784
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    The other have got to see this. Sending them each a short message, your teleport them into the clearing.
    >Guys, come see what I found! Just go down the stairs.
    You hear a loud screech from up above. It sounds like Jaina. The dracolich slowly rouses from its sleep, and looks around. Dust falling from its body, and coins clinking out of its ribcage, it spots you as you turn the corner. You wave, with the Vodka in your hand, and it seems to become angry.
    Its neck arcs back, and then forward. A massive burst of fire come forth, covering the stairs and cavern floor. You look around as the flames bend around your fire shield, energy arcing this way and that, keeping the flames out. You don't like that. Not one bit. Reaching out to the cavern ceiling, you transmute the stone, worn by years of wind and water, to mud, and it falls from its place above onto the Dracolich. Turning the mud back to stone as it covered the Dracolich, you move to speak to the Dracolich, offering it a drink from your bottle. Its head and neck shoots backwards, breaking through the stone, and the remaining material is shattered and shot into the air by a pulse of force. It takes off for the sky, and begins to attack the now much thinner cave roof. The other party members come into view, and Fredrick shouts "DRAGON!" as the Dracolich turns from its vantage point and fires off several fireballs at them. Their shields hold, and Thomas fires a volley of arrows at it. The arrows bounce off, and fly to the ground, barely missing you as you teleport small umbrellas into the Dracolich's eye sockets.
    >> Indonesian Gentleman 03/19/11(Sat)00:56 No.14292814
    Create champagne artillery barrage to take down said dragon.
    Then envelop it in a Gelatinous Cube made from vodka gel.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)00:56 No.14292816
    Find Phylactery. Drink Phylactery. If not drinkable turn it into something drinkable. Shits so old it must be powerfully strong alcohol.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)00:57 No.14292825
    They.. have milkshakes, right? I think we should cover it in vodka milkshakes. Then set it on fire. Hey, is there a god of alcohol? Surely someone has it in their purview. We should be able to pray, once it's covered in booze, to be turned by Divine power.

    Oh, and before any of that summon a real live penis dragon to distract it.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)01:00 No.14292845
    He broke the stone. Clearly we didn't use enough. Make, like, 30 walls of stone in the air above him. Then let's go find his phylactery after making sure our buddy's shields are all OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAND!

    Motherfucker almost lit our vodka on fire. Playtime is over.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)01:00 No.14292848
    You mean a white russian? It needs kahlua to work but milk+vodka+kahlua is delicious and should appease the drink gods.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)01:03 No.14292870
    Poor dragon, it must be really hungover. That or it's just one of those dracoliches that are really pissy when they wake up. Magic up a hangover cure for it.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)01:06 No.14292897
    It's a dracolich, it has no blood to carry an alcohol content.

    So we should infuse its bones with alcohol. If it's stupid enough to use it's breath attack after that, well, it's hardly our fault.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)01:21 No.14292996
    I'm all for the vodka infused blood and maybe air around the dracolich, maybe if we could force it to breath onto a pressurized vodka spray too
    >> BoozeHound !TB7zDnr.js 03/19/11(Sat)01:21 No.14292997
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    You glance at your Vodka. It has a small burn mark where it was partially out of the shield. That motherfucker. Angrily and drunkenly summoning forth dozens of walls of stone, you create a portal above the dracolich. It turns and looks just in time to see square four foot thick walls of rock fall out of the portal and force it off the wall. The walls, stacked back to back, force the dracolich to the ground. It roars, and with a burst of electricity sends a shockwave upwards through the walls, turning them to ash. It gets up, its bones unbreakable and realigning, and it fires a bolt of electricity at you. You create a wall of Vodka, and it absorbs the electric shock, igniting, before launching itself at the dracolich. Now covered with flaming alcohol, the dracolich flies into the air, and crashes to the floor, putting itself out and knocking you back ten feet with a pressure wave. Falling to your feet, you drink your Vodka, and summon forth hundreds of bottles of champagne, launching them at the dracolich. The bottles explode against an invisible barrier, as Fredrick dives from the stairs and stabs it in the head. Stumbling towards the dracolich, you call out
    Using your awesome power, you find a group of penis dragons in another plane, a plane of penis. Three of these dragons surge forth, and begin to attack the dracolich with semen and piss, as Fredrick is launched off the dracolich's head and onto a pile of money nearby. You pull Vodka from the ground and surround the dracolich with it, transmuting the vodka into gel. The dracolich, infuriated, blasts the vodka gel away, and rips into the penis dragons with its bony claws, tearing them apart. Its bones coated with sticky vodka, it fires another blast of fire at the dying penis dragons, lighting itself on fire, as it slams against the roof. The cavern roof gives way, and it flies off into the night, covered with piss, semen, and flaming vodka.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)01:22 No.14293009
    >penis dragons penis dragons penis dragons

    This is the strangest quote from a quest ever.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)01:23 No.14293016
    >yfw that translates to Hastur Hastur Hastur
    >yfw Hastur has taken your goddamn face
    >> Alpharius 03/19/11(Sat)01:23 No.14293020
    mentally communicate with it
    ask it why its so angry

    ask blackmoor about what we should do
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)01:24 No.14293023
    I'd say:
    >The cavern roof gives way, and it flies off into the night, covered with piss, semen, and flaming vodka.

    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)01:24 No.14293026
    Now, as is traditional, it is time to get laid and let the others sort out the loot.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)01:26 No.14293043

    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)01:26 No.14293044
    Well, we may not have killed it, but it certainly won't be showing it's skull around here anymore.

    We should pull out our memory of this, copy it, and send it to every dragon in a 100 mile radius. That dracolich will never live it down.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)01:27 No.14293052

    i must say this again, maybe not in allcaps, but flying sharks for everyone, ride it down. hammer it from the sky with flying shark squadron assault
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)01:30 No.14293076
    spend some serious thought on how to make a whisky-laser. tis a good idea, and would make short work of our foes. whiskey-laser. it even sounds cool.

    if it can be magic'd... make it so. FIRE THE FORWARD WHISKEY-LASER ARRAY. FULL POWER.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)01:31 No.14293083
    Obviously it drank so much its flesh crumbled away.
    Anyway, lack of blood didn't stop us from inebriating the ghost that now lives in our vodka bottle.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)01:32 No.14293096

    silver the inside of a whiskey bottle, cork it with a transparent cork. magic up some whiskey to emit light when stimulated by light (including its own). what comes out of the cork is a whiskey laser. naturally better whiskey will produce a better laser, cuz thats how things work.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)01:38 No.14293137
    Let's get the penis dragons to use their breath attacks.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)01:40 No.14293154
    Dude, the penis dragons are dead.

    Also, I think the semen was their breath attack.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)01:42 No.14293179
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    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)01:46 No.14293215
    In addition to any mental communication to the Dracolich, tell it that we know where it can pick up 'hot dracolich bitches' if it'll just come back so we can kill it. Don't say the last part.

    Transmute our portion of the treasure to vodka when the party has split it up.
    >> Anonymous de Bergerac-Fleur !RZND91lf7s 03/19/11(Sat)01:49 No.14293244
    Summon Rum-Pirates on a flying Cocktail-Ship to chase after the fleeing Flaming-Piss-Semen-Vodka-Zombie-Dragon-Thing.
    >> Anonymous de Bergerac-Fleur !RZND91lf7s 03/19/11(Sat)01:51 No.14293260
    Like a boss.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)02:02 No.14293298

    >steal my flying shark idea and then gay it up
    >be a tripfag

    "like an intern" is more like it. get my coffee, intern.
    >> BoozeHound !TB7zDnr.js 03/19/11(Sat)02:04 No.14293319
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    You reach out and touch the dracolich's mind, communicating with it mentally.
    >Why u so mad?
    Well that doesn't sound good. You ask Blackmoor what you should do, but he's passed out in the bottle. Fredrick slides off the pile of gold and walks towards the stairs, where the rest of the party is rounding the corner.
    "We have to go after it. Who knows what it might do?"
    >It wants to burn the world, or something. I asked it.
    "Oh god dammit. WHY'D YOU WAKE IT UP?"
    >It was Jaina and her screaming that woke it up
    >Oh, yeah, that's right.
    You need to give chase, but how? Ignoring the rest of the party, you begin to call forth a massive flying ship, crewed by flying sharks and rum-pirates. A hole in space and time is ripped open, and it sails through. Teleporting the party aboard, you don a captain's hat and strike a drunken pose, ordering the sharks to set a course for the sky. The ship takes off like a rocket, soaring into the air, and out of the cave. Drunkenly sending the fuzzy memory of the fight to every dragon within range, you get a few responses instantly. Responses such as "lol" "Hahaha" and "OH SHIT YOU LET OLD SCRATCH OUT?"

    Through your summoned captain's spyglass, you eye the dracolich flying off into the distance. Pointing towards it, you grab a bottle of whiskey from below deck, and polymorph it into a laser. Attaching the spyglass to the top, you aim it at the dracolich and fire. The alcoholic energy weapon lets loose a precise beam of light, and aiming with the spyglass you slice off one of the dracolich's horns, before it swerves and dives towards a nearby village. The ship turning to intercept it, your party members prepare to slay the beast.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)02:05 No.14293325
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    THESE. All of these, at the same time.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)02:09 No.14293341
    teleport the townsfolk to another plane to keep them safe. its hard to remember exactly where each plane is, it would be nice to send them to the plane of cocktails-on-the-beach, but if they end up on the penis plane, or the warm-and-flat-cheap-beer plane, that will still be better than being devoured by a dracolich
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)02:09 No.14293344
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    And by "Piss," I mean fucktons of magic missles.

    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)02:09 No.14293349
    Make a sphere of force around the village.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)02:11 No.14293362
    -summon a cannon mounted on a swivel that shoots out a giant weighted net of steel chains to tie the fucker down
    -have the ground rip upwards to make a ramp for the party
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)02:11 No.14293365
    Tell everyone to hold on, we're going to ram it with the ship!

    Then suggest that we'll be ramming something else afterward, and make lewd gestures towards Jaina.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)02:20 No.14293371
    OH SHIT.

    I thought this thread had 404'd, but it turned out it was just a glitch.

    Ok then, anyone think we should archive?
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)02:22 No.14293383
    summon Penis-Dragons inside the dracolich
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)02:28 No.14293387
    /tg/ - 404 not found
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)02:29 No.14293391
    Then, turn the piss into dildos.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)02:30 No.14293396
    Fuck yes we should.

    And I vote we fire whatever insanity we've loaded into the cannons. More cannons I hope.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)02:31 No.14293399
    Crash the airship headlong into the Dracolich, singing drinking songs the entire while. Teleport off at the last moment.

    Melt the dracolich into the earth by transmuting it into vodka-mud. Set it alight. Renew the fireshields on the party members, then put a moveable wall of vodka around it and set THAT on fire.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)02:37 No.14293423
    Well, as is tradition, after we defeat the BBEG we go nail the tiefling.

    That said, does anyone know what level mage we are? I mean, we're dropping multiple spells with no effort while intoxicated, singlehandedly running off a dracolich.

    Let's go take on an evil god or something. I think we're up to it.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)02:40 No.14293439
    Op might think the thread 404d
    >> BoozeHound !TB7zDnr.js 03/19/11(Sat)02:42 No.14293445

    Back now.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)02:50 No.14293491
    Yes, after we do that, we can join the pantheon as He Who is Inebriated, the God of Booze.
    But for now let's pull up alongside that dracolich and fire off a broadside of whiskey-lasers.
    >> TIRED DRAWFAG 03/19/11(Sat)02:51 No.14293498
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    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)02:53 No.14293508
    Whiskey is shit.
    Fire rum lasers instead.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)02:53 No.14293510
    Fucking Awesome.
    >> BoozeHound !TB7zDnr.js 03/19/11(Sat)02:55 No.14293521
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    Vomiting off the side of the ship and onto the head of a villager below, you channel raw force through your hands, and form a wall of solid magic over and around the village. The dracolich swerves just in time to avoid it, its tail slamming against the side and cracking in multiple places. Turning hard to port, the ship tilts starboard and fires all of the cannons in unison at the dracolich, while you create a portal to the Plane of Piss and spray the dracolich down. Thomas lights his crossbow bolts on fire, and launches a volley of explosive arrows, as three bottles of acidic rum from the cannons hit the beast's wings, knocking it off course. It dives to the ground to pick up speed, and turns, heading from underneath the ship to crash through it. Fredrick yells, and runs off the side of the ship, stabbing the dracolich in the back as he falls, and getting dragged along for the ride. Samantha follows, and her axe glows blue with holy light, as she smashes into the dracolich's head. It spins, trying to shake them off, as Thomas' bolts hit it in the arm, sending it spiraling to the ground. The ship dives after it, and the pair jump back to it, as it pulls up, barely avoiding crashing. The dracolich is not so fortunate, hitting the ground, hard. Its bones shatter on impact, and are strewn across the field. Flying back into the air, you continue to drown it with piss from the Plane of Piss, as you pull down your pants and piss on it.
    The dracolich begins to form back together, as you fire the whiskey laser again, slicing off its wings. The whiskey laser overheats, and you toss it aside, firing magic missiles from long range as the ship's crew brings you back over the village, still protected by magic. The dracolich manages to get airborne, even without its wings, and roars, heading your way with extreme speed.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)02:58 No.14293536
    >plane of vodka
    >plane of penis
    >plane of piss

    Jesus Christ, how many planes are there?
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)02:58 No.14293540
    Turn its bones to dildos.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)02:59 No.14293544
    How many THINGS are there?
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)03:00 No.14293548



    Then, as the Coup de Grace, SUPERMAGIC ourself and headbutt it.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)03:01 No.14293553

    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)03:02 No.14293560
    Turn the dracolich into a woman stripped of her clothing. Huge tits too. Or you know open up a random plane infront of the thing and close it up once it flies in.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)03:03 No.14293566
    It's trying to ram us.

    Transmute the hull of the ship to adamantine.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)03:04 No.14293575
    TODAY SI A GOOD DAY TO (sort of) DIE.

    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)03:04 No.14293576

    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)03:04 No.14293577
    Open up a portal to the plane of hippies/druids.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)03:08 No.14293601
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    >> BoozeHound !TB7zDnr.js 03/19/11(Sat)03:30 No.14293697
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    The ship tries to evade the dracolich, but to no avail. Thinking on your completely numb feet, you transform the ship's hull into adamantium, and the dracolich runs straight into it. Even with its mage armor, it breaks into pieces and flies around the ship, bending like a water balloon until the some of the bones begin to break again. Grabbing several small pieces with your mage hand, you transform them into dildos and throw them off the side. Fredrick and Samantha slice a piece in half, each, and Jaina pockets a few. Veronica kicks several of them in half in mid air, and Thomas pins one to the wall. The dracolich begins to reform as it reaches the other side in pieces, but with the absence of several small bits, it has no legs to use. Its arms and wings are still intact, and so it lets fly several massive fireballs, which you deflect, forming a fire shield around the ship. The other party members aim and fire the cannons, as the now much heavier ship turns towards the dracolich.
    You thrust towards Jaina as you give the order. She rolls her eyes and sighs. The ship picks up speed, as the dracolich fires off lightning bolts and freezing rays, all of which you drunkenly deflect, stumbling about as you move from side to side to get a better angle. Opening a multiportal, you direct its energies towards the dracolich as the ship impales it, dragging it along for the ride. The dracolich's mouth opens to launch more fire at you, now that it is past the fireshield, but in vain. A massive torrent of piss, penises, and vodka spew forth from the multiportal, even as the motion of the ship makes you fall on your ass. The stream of planar material enters the dracolich's mouth, and even as the piss and mountain of dicks put out the fire now coming from within the dracolich's chest cavity, the vodka is ignited.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)03:30 No.14293702
    Teleport the booze stores into it's chest.
    Then detonate them.
    >> BoozeHound !TB7zDnr.js 03/19/11(Sat)03:33 No.14293716
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    The dracolich, now filled to the brim with boiling hot dicks, piss, and flaming vodka, screams as the ship smashes into the side of the force sphere over the village, and you teleport everyone down to the town below. Over you, a massive explosion erupts, and the force sphere fails. The dracolich's bones fall around you, and as the skull hits the ground, it disappears, words sounding from nowhere as the bones cool in the midday air.
    You drink from your Vodka bottle, as Blackmoor begins to wake up.
    "What did I miss?" He slurs.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)03:34 No.14293721

    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)03:36 No.14293735
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    >mfw this entire quest
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)03:37 No.14293742
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    >mfw the events of this quest

    >from comemore
    Captcha's feeling the sexy time I guess
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)03:38 No.14293749
    use sending spell to reply "cool story bro"
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)03:39 No.14293756
    Transform all the boney bits into hard, cold currency to make the villagers love us. Drop our pants and tell Jaina 'It ain't going to suck itself'. Make sure she plays with the balls.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)03:39 No.14293760
    "Yeah? Well I'm gonna... gonna... have sex on your gold! And then steal it! Yeah! What then?"

    Proceed to do so.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)03:41 No.14293769

    Send him a mental picture of the highlights.

    Now take the ship back to the ruins of the fort and collect the swag! You need that money for, uh, stuff.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)03:42 No.14293778
    Celebrate your victory by magicking up a small squadron of attractive naked harlots and mentally suggest that they all have sex with you and that jaina joins in
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)03:44 No.14293795
    Oh yeah! Send out a massive mental communique to all the dragons in the area about what happened to 'old scratch'. Make sure they see his final, undignified moments.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)03:47 No.14293816

    Oh yeah, and we need to go do whatever we were doing at that castle to begin with
    >> BoozeHound !TB7zDnr.js 03/19/11(Sat)03:56 No.14293864
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    >Yeah? Well I'm gonna... gonna... have sex on your gold! And then steal it! Yeah! What then?
    There's no response. Maybe he can't hear you.
    >I said, I'm gonna have sex on your gold and then steal it!
    Huh. Oh well. You drink some more, and nearly fall over, as you compile your memories of the battle, and send the best parts to any dragons within range. The reply is quick, and concise. "Please don't kill us."

    Looking around at the villagers, now sort of crowding around your party, you levitate the bones, and turn them to money. The money flies out over the crowd, and they begin to hoot and shout, grabbing all the gold and silver they can and cheering. Summoning up a new ship, you and the party teleport aboard, and fly off to the fortress' remains. You and Jaina alone in the captain's quarters, you pull down your pants, and she sighs, as she begins to get down on her knees.

    A few minutes later, and you arrive in the cavern, the ship setting down on the largest pile of gold. Pulling up your pants and exiting the room, Jaina follows, wiping herself off. The others are trying to figure out how to divide up the gold. Looking over the side of the ship, you vomit and fall off, landing on the gold. Suddenly you hear a shout. "DAMMIT, WE'VE GOTTA MEET THE KING OF ZEROC IN AN HOUR!"
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)03:56 No.14293867
    Bedding Jaina, Veronica and Samatha at the same time
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)04:01 No.14293905
    Mass teleport the gold to the castle.

    NO, WAIT.

    Teleport the castle to the gold.

    Then teleport the party to the king.

    Fuck yeah.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)04:01 No.14293907
    Just teleport the king here now so we CAN'T be late
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)04:04 No.14293925
    "Weeeell why... why inn't ya say somethin'?"

    Teleport everyone, and the ship, and the gold into the royal throne room of Zeroc.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)04:04 No.14293926
    Teleport the king to the castle, and the gold to the castle, and the castle to here.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)04:05 No.14293933
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)04:08 No.14293949
    Archiving thread 14289844
    Thread found.
    Thread is not currently archived; creating entry.
    Sanity checking passed. Continuing with archival.
    Downloading images... 22 found, 22 new. Done.
    Downloading thumbnails... 22 found, 22 new. Done.
    Updating links... 0 full images found. 0 thumbnail links found. 0 deleted image links found. Done.
    Creating file... Done.
    Thread 14289844 is now archived.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)04:09 No.14293957

    Do it yourself.

    Only way /tg/ gets shit done is if people actually do shit.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)04:11 No.14293969

    Cheer, because the King is bro-tier awesome. Send the dragons a message of "Hey that guy was dick, I got no beef with you. Drink your milk, stay in school."

    Summon up a bunch of underwear gnomes to help you carry all the gold. Then load everyone on the ship and teleport it over the King's palace.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)04:19 No.14294020
    Tell everyone that if we can fuck all the girls at once, we'll teleport them to the king.
    >> BoozeHound !TB7zDnr.js 03/19/11(Sat)04:22 No.14294036
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    Sending the dragons a message, claiming you bear them no ill will, you speak up.
    >"Weeeell why... why inn't ya say somethin'?"
    You hear someone say something about not doing something as you begin to manipulate the very laws of physics themselves, but it falls on deaf ears. Straining your mind to accommodate the immense mass you're trying to transport, you reach out and find the castle. Pulling on the castle, the gold, the ship, the party, and the king, all at once, you grunt and grind your teeth. Everything snaps, and there's a blinding flash, as all of these things are teleported together. For a brief moment, you can see it all. The castle, now floating over the fortress, the treasure, now in the castle's vault. The king, and the party, now in the castle's meeting room. You force yourself back into reality, and belch. You're outside the meeting room. Struggling to open the door, you trip and fall in, as Fredrick and the king shake hands.
    "It was a pleasure, you majesty."
    "Indeed. Ah, and I suppose you're the man who transported me here? I suppose my guards will be quite upset. Nevertheless, thank you. Now I must leave, so if you don't mind..."
    You teleport him back to Zeroc, and balance on the table as you sit in a chair, passing out from exhaustion.

    When you awake, it's nearly night. The moon is high in the sky, outside the glass ceiling of the meeting room. You are alone. On the table, another map is spread out, with several marks indicating who knows what. Blackmoor is singing a song again.

    Anything else you want to do before I end this quest for now?
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)04:27 No.14294054
    Go see Jaina and have sex again.

    Then go count the money.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)04:27 No.14294058
    Leave a penis dragon illusion inside the throne room when we aren't within ten kilometres, like in the Zeroc square.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)04:29 No.14294067
    We should do something nice rather than just nail her. Find where she's sleeping and conjure, like, a bunch of roses in vases all up in there. When she wakes up shit will be so cash.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)04:29 No.14294072
    Bedding Jaina, Veronica and Samatha at the same time
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)04:30 No.14294076
    And a bottle of the rarest and most expensive alcohol in the world on her nightstand, so she knows it's all from us.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)04:31 No.14294082

    It's time for some breakfast! Ask Jaina what's on the menu, and if it isn't suitably awesome summon up a bottle of fortified eggnog.
    >> BoozeHound !TB7zDnr.js 03/19/11(Sat)04:32 No.14294084
    Sorry, meant to say it's nearly morning, my bad.

    I'm tired.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)04:33 No.14294096
    Whatever. Roses and rare alcohol plan is still a go!
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)04:35 No.14294106

    Red roses, red tulips, and carnations. That way we're saying "I wanna jump your bones, I'm totally into you, and I want this thing to last."
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)04:36 No.14294116
    and they all smell of the finest wines
    >> BoozeHound !TB7zDnr.js 03/19/11(Sat)04:41 No.14294136
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    You put Blackmoor on the table gently and sneak out of the room. Making your way to Jaina's room, you try not to make much noise, even as you bump into random objects. Climbing the stairs, and crouching behind the door, your Scry beyond it. She's fast asleep. Quietly summoning forth your awesome mystical might, you create several vases of flowers and a bottle of rare wine on her nightstand. Roses, red tulips, and other flawless gems of plant life. The wine is magically aged one hundred years, and at the perfect temperature. Jaina turns a bit in her sleep, but doesn't wake up. You creep away, and go off to find something to eat. Maybe some booze.


    Well, questions, comments? Hate my guts and want me to die? Go ahead and post now!
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)04:43 No.14294144

    It was silly and fun. When will you do another one?
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)04:44 No.14294146
    I just think the dracolich was being tsundere.
    >> BoozeHound !TB7zDnr.js 03/19/11(Sat)04:47 No.14294166
    Either tomorrow or next Wednesday.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)04:49 No.14294183
    We should fuck it!
    >> Weasel 03/19/11(Sat)04:53 No.14294208
    Dammit why do I only find this quest when it's over and I'm sobering up.
    It's like there's cosmic justice or something.
    >> Alpharius 03/19/11(Sat)04:55 No.14294220
    You're an inspiration to all of mankind and I love you like a favourite brother. In fact, I feel pride in just seeing your works and am honoured to post in this thread. Your works and your being are all contained in a neat little package of fantastic and awe-inspiring
    >> BoozeHound !TB7zDnr.js 03/19/11(Sat)04:59 No.14294241
    Thanks! I love you in a completely straight and not gay at all way too, random Alpharius!

    Or maybe that's the scotch talking. Either way, thanks.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)05:09 No.14294299
    This quest is awesome. Even if there's never another one, I'll die happy.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)05:12 No.14294321
    this thread proves there is no limit to a drunken mage's power
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)05:18 No.14294348
    Maybe his magic is fueled by alcohol. Since he's got infinite alcohol in his system, he has unlimited fuel.
    >> Anonymous 03/19/11(Sat)06:51 No.14294826
    SHIT. I missed it.

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