at least he's in character

Hilarious. What was his int?

How nice. It's like a particularily stupid dog.

>>14275882
He had intelligence 11. But mind you; Goliath Barbarian

As a small backstory, the party was working for a governor of a colonial territory of a large empire. They had just killed the leaders of the locals who were trying to fight against them. When they returned to the governor, a giant angel, and by angel I mean he was 8 feet tall with shining armor and a greatsword the size of a person. This angel bursts in, runs the governor through, then bursts back out.

Later they pinpoint this angel to its lair. A cave complex with tons of small crystal bugs running about it and Grimock patrols (The party didnt know the angel was under Mind Control, but thats why it was working with evil creatures)

They camp out outside the cave complex.
>Day begins to break, when out of the cave you see an angel emerge, its eight feet tall, its arms are more muscled than your entire body, it has a sword the size of an orc(Yes it keeps getting bigger) It goes to rear its wings to lift off
>Rogue character: "I jump down and scream "HEY, FAGGOT!"
>Seriously?
>YES
>The angel turns, throws its sword.
>He dodges, and brags about how this should be easy
>The angel charges and does an unarmed strike.
>The angel's punch sends him across the clearing, we all visualize Hercules getting his ass kicked by the river centaur.

Not quite as funny as your one, but:

>>After the first encounter of the campaign, I sit down to put a brew on for myself and the rest of the party (ranger, sorc, rogue, cleric (me))
>>Rogue sneaks off to scout ahead.
>>Rast eating goblin int he next room, rast hasn't seen the rogue.
>>Rogue goes up to rast and attacks with both his weapons for sneak attack.
>>Both miss
>>Rast turns around, paralyzing gaze
>>Coup de Grace

The DM let us re-do that bit, but we learnt our lesson.

>Hamburger Cranium just ate a pepper
>Its poisenous
>Your character throws up all over the floor of the temple'
>I lick up the vomit
>are you serious? there're corpses on that floor
>K

>investigate some kind of cult
>figure out it's based in some kind of temple, where they perform "cleansing" rituals on the locals.
>figure out the temple doubles as a purification plant, and that there's something weird in the water, which eats pollutants

>arrive at temple, find temple guy at the altar
>the scum :" Good evening, sir, i am looking to be 'cleansed'"
>the guy asks him to step closer to the water
>"ok"
>the guy asks him to stick his head in the water
>"ok"

>he is at critical damage already
>he has no fate points (at all)
>he fails his dodge save
>mfw the water smashes his skull and disintegrates his brain

>>14275907
>He had intelligence 11. But mind you; Goliath Barbarian
>Goliath Barbarian
>Int 11
He was clearly doing it wrong. If you play someone like that, you have to get your int below 9, even if the 11 was the lowest stat anyway.
Was it actually?

>>14275943
Put on a brew? I'm guessing british adventurers. All with giant moustaches

>>14275978
What the fuck is he doing walking around when at critical damage? Like a firefight, sure, but an infiltration? Jesus.

>"You enter the facility, and are greeted by a powerful, ominous voice. It's the AI security program, and he warns you to follow three rules or face expulsion/termination: don't break anything, don't take anything, and don't interfere with the work going on."
>two minutes later
>"You arrive at the lobby, which is guarded by several dozen ceiling-mounted security turrets and mechanical arms that carry and catalog the endless stream of files and records. Behind the front desk you find an old, sickly-looking tech-adept in a hover chair - he gives you a polite greeting, answers your questions and gives you instructions on how to reach your first objective."
>Player: "I want to make the tech-adept come with us."
>"He can't, he's been surgically grafted to the hover chair, which houses his life-support systems. He's also duty-bound to remain at his station and work his tasks."
>Player: "Screw that. I take out my combat knife and cut him out of the chair. He's coming with us."
>"The security program yells at you angrily, declaring that you have just attempted to break one of the core rules of the facility. As you ignore him and continue to attempt to cut the terrified tech-adept from his life support systems, a multitude of ceiling-mounted defense turrets activate and reduce you to ash."
>Player: "Wtf?"
"Roll up a new character, and try not to do stupid things."

>>14275978
What? Is that a modified version of Rejoice for you are true?

>>14275953
He IS a dog, that's clear.

>>14275978
What was is? There is a background process in my brain looking for DH campaign ideas.

>>14276008
>One of the core rules?
That was all three, clearly that computer is shit for brains.

>>14276008
Wow. Thats beyond fucking stupid. What the fuck did he hope to achieve my cutting an tech-adept from his life support in full view of security?

>>14276063
You don't have good AIs in the Imperium

>>14275993
We're British, I love tea, and I'm going to try and get a monocle + top hat.

Don't know how good that will look with plate armour though, haha

Cleric in plate armour with a top hat, monocle and sipping some tea? I certainly know what my next drawfag request is going to be...

>>14275994
Actually, he was at exactly 0 wounds. After having been healed a couple of times by the psyker. After having his arm blasted up by a lasgun blast. During a failed infiltration of an Ordo Xenos facility.

Don't ask.

>>14276021
I haven't actually read Rejoice, but i can imagine it was something like what i ran.

> players barely escape a city
> lost in the desert
> encounter nomads, outnumbered 5:1
> start a fight of course!

>>14276084
All your healing powers must be involve tea. All of them.

My players have just emerged from an elven ruin, and are now hunkered down ina wooden soldier outpost. There are 9001 goblins beating war drums and declaring revenge for when Hamburger Cranium killed their leaders.
>Dwarf: oh shit guys. they're pissed. lets reinforce these here walls
>Elf: I'll set some traps for the enevitable shitstorm
>Eladrin: oh lawds they has bugbear. time for some dailes
>Hamburger: DONT WORRY GUYS I CAN TALK THEM DOWN
>He runs outside. Doesnt speak goblin
>Dies
>Mfw

Exalted 2e.

"I vent off all my Resonance on the nearest village."

"That's... that's your party's home village."

"... Meh. Go ahead."

Other three players: "We kill him."

Quickly go through the list of NPC's that are in the area - then the list of NPCs in the entire game - searching for one who would object to his death. Find none.

Six combat actions later: "Roll a new character."

>>14276008
No dodge roll? No using the old man as cover from the turrets then using circular logic to convince the AI to terminate itself due to it breaking it's own rules? Just LOLDED.

This is suppose to be times players went full retard, not times DMs go full retard.

>Party is influenced by various Chaos entities as they're trying to escape a corrupted city spire
>Chaos Raptor jumps up to their Valkyrie
>Arbites goes alpha mode manly sacrifice and tackles him off, lights a lho stick off his jump pack before driving his shock maul into the exhaust
>starts surfing chaos marine down
>batshit crazy assassin loops the valk into a dive to save him
>passes all checks, arbites jumps off and lands in the hold, at critical status
>3 broken limbs, 2 wounds remaining
>khorne presence makes him use his only good arm to punch the scum he hates in the face
>scum pulls out auto-pistol and empties clip into his face
>assassin shoots the scum
>scum burns fate to shoot the assassin
>all players now start burning fate points left and right just to try to kill one another
>no one bothered to fly the valk
>they crash and all die anyway

>>14276106
I've got to convince my DM to allow me to do this somehow, I might take craft magic arms and armour so I can make a percolator of endless tea. Earl Grey, of course.

>>14276089
Would you be so nice to tell something about the background of the adventure?

>hesock effect
Now that's science! This effect causes socks worn by male too long to bend space and time.

>>14276122
Did you even read the first part of that? They wonder into a highly advanced building, with a goddamn AI, are surronded by turrets then proceed to cut a crippled old man from the only thing keeping him alive for no discernable reason.
If there's ever been a reason to kill a character, thats the best I've ever heard

Alright, the set up: The players were pretty far apart, and one of them (a shapeshifter) was flying back to them in crow form. He was pretty far out, and was looking for a place to sleep for the night, so he could continue the next day.

Three (count 'em) nat 1's later, he finds statistically the worst place ever to sleep. He is clubbed over the head in bird form while he sleeps by a local cult (which the party is hunting), and taken back to their camp for food tied upside-down by his feet for transport, presumed dead.

The party is heading for the camp anyway, and while there the shapeshifter feigns death. He sees the cultists preparing human sacrifices with silvered knives to open up some kind of hell-portal. He counts about sixty of their number, and notes they're all armed.

Anyway, party busts in, he shapeshifts out of his bonds, and they reunite. He decides it's time for some vengeance, and charges the cultists, still sixty strong, as he shifts into his war form.

His war form, incidentally, was a werewolf.

The cultists see the lycanthrope charging them, look at each other, shrug, and all pull their silvered weapons.

About thirty stabs later, he was dead as a doornail, and genuinely astonished that happened.

Paranoia

I always roll to see if they come across any random boxes.
Then if they decided to open them, roll to see how good the loot is.
(They don't always after the whole, 99 grenades without pins incident)

>Loyalty officer managed to find a tac nuke round
>A little later, he is in a fist fight with a traitor troubleshooter NPC
>"I pull out my rifle (which was already loaded with the tac nuke) and shoot him"
>Point blank with a mini nuke

>>14276126
But of course
>>14276125
Chaos Gods were involved, its rarely logical

>>14276125

Achievement Unlocked: Full Retard.

>>14276125

Simply fucking awesome.

>>14276141

>If there's ever been a reason to kill a character, thats the best I've ever heard

Rocks fell and everyone died, bit of a dick move. This is more about people doing stupid things and being killed, less "NOPE, YOUR INSTANTLY KILLED".

>>14276151
>Three (count 'em) nat 1's later, he finds statistically the worst place ever to sleep.

...you better not be telling me you have nat 1's on skill rolls.

>>14276125
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Everybody was kay-oss fighting.
That scum was fast as lightning...

>>14276040
The water is xenos. Literally.

I created some xenos with the Gm-screen supplement, and got this massive, amorpheus gestalt being. And, since the planet was basically a grimdark water-hiveworld, i thought that it would be cool to make it look like clear water, and having the locals unwittingly use it as a water purifier.

Now, this has nothing to do with why the people in the temple are "cleansing" people, but i cannot reveal it here due to players-on-/tg/ syndrome.

Dark Heresy

>Group gets framed for cultist activity while investigating shady ruins
>Squad of Adepta Sororita's show up in a Rhino with Immolator support
>Group decides to not flee into the surrounding woods.
>Group decides to "Appeal to the Sisters sense of reason."
>Group has no evidence as to their innocence aside from their word.
>Group burns

>>14276183
I think killing everyone would be harsh. Just kill the offending idiot. If its an AI it'll focus on the one who broke the rules, not the party going "oh shit, what the fuck are you doing!?"

>>14276183

Nah, I'm with the GM on this one. They were in a situation where instant death was the price for transgression. They immediately transgressed, and in a really inane way.

If you're a narrative GM, if you want to get across to the players that they're in a place of extreme danger then the specific force of the weapons or supply of enemies is irrelevant - they will always have at least enough to kill you. That's the whole point of the scenario.

>>14276191
Wasn't D&D, was actually oWoD Mage.

Guess the correct term in the system is botches... meh?

And yes, when I play D&D I do use nat 1's on skill checks. Crit fails can make for some interesting situations for the PCs.

>>14276204

Did you let them at least try to roll or did you put them in a position where they'd just instantly die?

>>14276161
While they were walking around, I tossed a d4 to see who would be influencing them.

The Arbites and Scum, we fluffed to be 'old friends' from the same hive. He treated the scum like shit through the whole game, doing a great job being in character. The scum was just a bad player, constantly complaining about his abuse. So, the scum tries to help him as they're flying away, and he punches him to get him away. Khorne presence aside, it was very much how he would act.

"My character is fed up with his shit and shoots him in the face."

We're all: ...Wait, what?

Then they all started spending fate points to pass checks, and burning them to survive death multiple times.

The Inquisitor's remaining acolytes were the tech-priest, Pepto-Bismolis who was working in the belly of her ship for that mission, and the Cleric Elsa, who was scary as hell; She was a silent stoic chainsword wielding psychopath. If she started speaking, the party more or less pointed her in a direction, and fucking ran away. She would literally kill anything that so much as breathed a single word that didn't involve praising the Emperor.

>>14276125
This post has won the thread.

That wasn't just derp, that was FUCK YEAH WE'RE AWESO- NOPE.

>>14276204
> "Appeal to the Sisters sense of reason."

I've never played 40k or any of its products, and even I know that's a fucking terrible idea.

>>14276218
Roll for what? They popped their heads out to say hello and got shot at.

Sisters of Battle aren't there to listen to excuses, they are there to burn things. I did let them try to fight their way out of it, but that ended predictably.

>>14276242

Ok ok

>>14276223
Pepto-Bismolis? Please tell me he wants to become a Genetor. As for your chainsaw crazy cleric, have you pointed the player in the direction of the Sister Repentia? It shoulds like it would be right up their street

>>14276133
I can't really say too much, since i am still running it for two groups, and they have uncovered different things. But the basics are, well, pretty basic; There have been some murders on the grimdark waterworld of Aquius, they seem a bit weird, INVESTIGATE.

>>14276256
He was new to Dark Heresy, and since he was always in the bowels of the ship when he didn't want to play, that just sorta was what we named him.

He kept the bowels running smooth.

As for the Cleric, she just didn't talk much. But when she went at it she had a blast and killed everyone.


I need to get those fuckers into a game again.

>>14276205
Only the player that tried to cut the tech-adept free was killed. The other players were smarter, and thus, lived. I should mention that this same player is on his fourth or fifth PC now, while the others have managed to keep their first PCs alive.

The player still insists that he didn't do anything wrong.

In the desert cacti all up in this bitch.

>One dude says we should burn it all.
>I attempt to say we should navigate around it, or map a path.
>Barbarian attacks cacti.
> SUDDENLY SPORES
> He goes down I do a few billion heal checks to drag him away and fix him.
> I say we should map our way through.
>Wizard lolwuts and burns it all.
>Spores...all of them.
> We all start tripping and have to fight a gigantic invisible desert spider.

>>14276241
As a rule, reasoning with religious fanatics or fanatics of any description never ends the way you'd like it to.

>>14276338

>>14276183

He did something stupid and the natural consequences followed. I fail to see how anyone can complain about this.

>>14276122
So, what, you expect that the AI's a retard who can't hit things and has the reaction time of a child?

>>14276416

I think he expects the players to have an out no matter what they do. Plot Armor on full display at all times.

>>14276437
Well, like, on the one hand I can respect the idea that NPCs should play by the rules and they should roll for it just like any other combat instead of going "auto-dead".

On the other hand, uh, it's a fucking AI and it has multiple turrets that are already aware of the party and have the very specific job of guarding that old guy. So that's like dealing with a gunman by going "I WALK STRAIGHT AT HIM EVEN THOUGH THERE'S 50 YARDS BETWEEN US".

World of Darkness game, sorta, it was using the rules, but none of the fluff.
My group consisted of almost every type of lycanthrope, except werewolf, wereshark, and some of the more esoteric types. We crash land a boat on a mexican beach
>GM describes the area "all you see around you is a massive beach and one tree that you hit with your boat, both the tree and boat are on fire. The beach is attached to a desert.
>werebear: I'm going to find a tree to scratch my back on
>everyone else: good riddance.

Later I had to be nice saying that we left our money with the werebear, because he's tough and not smart enough to do anything with it, we find him lying in the desert almost dead.

>>14276450
Add "slowly" to the walking and that'd be about right.

>>14276450

Exactly, and when a player does something astoundingly stupid having the NPCs bend the rules to remind the player that they DON'T have plot armor is acceptable too.

>Fighting a cult that wants the party warlock for a ritual.
>Cult kidnaps warlock and begins an evil ritual.
>They begin to put her on a huge dark altar with demonic runes all about.
>Party busts in to save the warlock, huge fight.
>Warlock critically wounded during fight.
>Warmage looks around, healer is KO'd.
>"I put her on that altar."
>"What?"
>"It's their altar, right? Probably where they get healed and shit. I put her on the altar."
>Warlock is placed on the dark altar, completing the ritual and getting her possessed by a demon.
>Revived demon possessed warlock finished off the party.
>DERP

Molotov Wineskin. Players bribe some 1930's soviet-esque guards to take some of their supplies. Being soviets, all of the equipment was poorly taken care of. Awesome player makes some molotov cocktails, and improvises a bombe with some chemicals, puts it in a metal box, and fills the rest of the box with ammunition from around the area. Retarded player watches him do this, then goes over to the ammunition I had mentioned was sitting in a tin full of water from a leak in the roof. He proceeded to empty a wineskin on the ground, start pulling bullets apart and dump the powder into the wineskin. After doing this for a while, he closes it, and ties a rag around it, proudly proclaiming he had made a molotov wineskin. When the time came for him to deploy this device, he proceeded to light the rag, run up and place it in front of the people shooting at him. His girlfriend then asked him "Aren't you supposed to throw molotov cocktails?"

"Oh, right!"

He than ran back to the people who were shooting at him (who had sensibly retreated to a nearby building), grabbed his creation, and heaved with all his might.

I just didn't have the heart to kill a retard.

>>14276483
Nice...

>>14276546
God, there is so much wrong with that.

Warhammer fantasy 2e
>"I jump the well."
>"Wait you do what? I'm down there! Also if you just fucking jump you are going to die."
>"You asked me to rescue you, I'm going to rescue the only way I know!"


And then the Dwarf crushed the tiny elf chick with his weight as he tried to save her. Now, with a broken arm and stuck in there, he looks up to Otto, the party human jailer (Don't ask)

>"Quick! Jump down and save me!"

>>14276546

>this thread, man

>>14276569
That one caused me to lol.

>>14276569
I remember, in my very first tabletop roleplaying game, (earthdawn) something similar happen.

We were exploring a hole in the ground. The obsidiman (big stone guy) hoists the elf down, via rope. Then, when the elf said that he could see something down there, something carved into the side, the obsidiman player looks thoughtful for a second, and said:

"I jump down the hole"

Party is investigating a cult dedicated to the dead god Nerull, but they mistranslated his name to Nerith. They have infiltrated most other churches, so they are all performing an inquest of their people to make sure Nerulls influence isn't spreading.

My cleric of Pelor is speaking with his superior...
>"Young cleric, what do you think of the other churches?"
>Kords church seems fine, Bishop, but the Raven Queens church may be beyond saving. I suggest we prepare for the worst.
>"Indeed young cleric, we cannot allow Neriths influence to spread farther!"
>You mean Nerull's.
>Bishop stares at my cleric.

Lets just say there was a lot of screaming and running after that until I sorted everything out. Good times.

>"The footfalls grow louder. Eventually, you intersect an entire war-ready battle legion, 10,000 strong."
>"They're armed with spears, the archers have greatbows, and not to forget the trebuchetes and siege towers among them."
>Legion General: Move elf! We have to make it to Albarca before nightfall!"
>Elf: Say please!
>Slaps elf to ground
>NOONE SLAPS ELDREW THE MAGNFICENT!! EN GUARDE!!!
*sigh*
roll initiative

Ok, that one is not that hilarious, but nevertheless.

D&D. Our group, being a part of the intelligence service of some kingdom, is tasked with going undercover to another country to contact some mighty mage. At the same time our kingdom prepares a war with that same neighbour kingdom we head to. Not far from the border, we see a newly built fort.
>The soldiers ask us what we want in that other kingdom
>Rogue panics and wants to sound important
>"We're… erm… the royal inspectors. We must look upon... <2 sec thinking> sanitary conditions in this fort."
>Everybody looks at her confused
>"Well, come in. The officer will speak to you shortly"
>The rogue hastily prepares a forged document that we're the said inspectors
>No appropriate tools
>No time
>bad roll
>We get imprisoned
We manage to flee the next day, only to be TPK'ed by a vampire with unadjusted level about double as high as we are. We were supposed to kill him shortly after he was turned (he made his will save to resist the alignment change), but everybody, especially the undead loving cleric, rolled miserably in our knowledge about the vampires and we just left him in manacles facing eastwards, hoping he would burn when the sun gets up.

>>14276740
>That elf against 10,000 legionarres

>>14276141
>>14276122
See he was flatfooted while cutting the man from his life support. Recieves no dodge or reflex saves and the turrets had sneak attack.

>>14276814
Personally I would still make the turret roll for it, but that's just my style. I don't give PCs mulligans and I don't give NPCs mulligans either. I've had epic final bosses taken down in a single turn from good/bad rolls, but I feel it makes the campaign much more memorable when the random hand of fate intervenes, rather than the cheeto encrusted hand of the ST. Imagine what would have happened if he made it out alive? We would have told that story for years about how he was so fucking stupid he outsmarted an AI.

>>14276874 Imagine what would have happened if he made it out alive?

He would have had his stupidity re-enforced.

>escorting a caravan
>hear commotion going on outside of our carriage
>drow raiders
>rogue gets on top of the carriage, starts shooting
>the 2 fighters drop them left and right
>the cleric had gone off and had somehow trapped himself under a cart full of alchemists fire.
>he casts burning hands on the cart
no words could describe

Dark Heresy, group is Tech Priest, Guardsman, and Psyker. After somewhat successfully assaulting the estate of a sorcerous noble, they are not fleeing from PDF kill teams. This is going badly because the kill teams have vehicles and the acolytes do not.

Psyker stops and turns to try to use Fearful Aura to slow down the pursuers. He does pretty well at scaring them, but also rolls Perils of the Warp and gets Chronological Incontinence, making him blink out of reality for about a minute. When he reappears, he is arrested.

The other two go to the local police station and ask about him, and all anyone can say is that he's been moved by the High Judge. Now, they've been near the Judge's courthouse, and it reeks of horrible-warpness.

So, the Tech Priest and Guardsman wait a week, then go murder a local lawman for... revenge or something. The Tech Priest flees the scene early, while the Guardsman decides to stick around to murder the lawman's children, and is cripplingly wounded (gunfire and car door) and arrested.

So the Tech Priest goes to the nearest Imperial Guard outpost and attempts to have a message sent to their Inquisitor. He then returns to the apartment the group has been living in, and waits two months. He spends some time attempting to build extraordinarily heretical servitors, but that's a different issue.

>>14276891
Oh that must have been quite a spectacle

>>14276891
>cleric
>burning hands
How?

>>14276909
*they are now fleeing

Cont:
In the meantime, the Psyker has been taken by the Judge's pleasure cult. They pamper him, giving him all sorts of bling. Eventually they begin tatooing him, and he still doesn't balk. When they insist on branding him, he complains a bit, but still sits through it. For those of you unfamiliar with 40k, this is how you make a daemonhost.

Tech Priest continues derping while waiting for the execution date of the Guardsman. The cult then completes the ritual and turns the Psyker into a daemonhost, who begins rampaging through the upper spire. Fortunately (lolplotdevice), their Inquisitor and his retinue have arrived on planet that morning, and he dispatches the daemonhost, cultists, and assorted warpspawn with his Sororitas heavy weapons team and Storm Trooper squad.

Inquisitor has Guardsman released and BLAMs him, Tech Priest manages to make a fantastic Fellowship roll to lie about all of this not being his fault.

>>14276918
cleric of the fire domain

>>14276909
Wait wait wait.

The psyker got captured by a clearly warp tainted judge.

And your players leave him, and instead sneak into an innocent droog's place to kill his wife and kids.

>>14276918

Must've been Fire domain.

>>14276936
>>14276943
Oh, now it makes sense. Thanks.

>>14276152
But isn't that the whole point of Paranoia?

OOGABOOGABOOGA WHERE THE WHITE WOMAN AT?????

>>14276937
Yes. Another round of characters later, I ran the Haarlock mission where they're kidnapped and trapped on a pleasure world. When they reach topside, they hear all about this super-awesome-special-secret festival that's happening at the end of the week. They then spend almost the entire week trying to rob people and collect an arsenal, never asking once about the festival.

Fortunately/unfortunately that campaign was dropped due to some outside stuff.

>>14276909
>>14276920
8/10

>>14276909
>>14276920
>>14277024
Their level of initiative fluctuates wildly. They'll go "WOO YEAH LET'S PURGE THE HELL OUT OF SHIT" and then suddenly decide they've had enough fun for today and hide in a corner and just wait for the daemons to show up.

I play DH with a few friends. We are probably the worst Acolytes to ever disgrace the Imperium.
Just hear me out on this. It's from that compaign whose name I can't seem to remember.
>We are sent to a hive world to aid some wealthy noble who's a friend of our Inquisitor.
>Arrive at said Hive World, greeted by the Noble's daughter.
>Meet with the Noble, wants us to investigate some new drug that's appeared.
>Do some asking around, eventually we get invited to a party for some Nobles. The Noble's daughter accompanies us but we lose sight of her when we arrive.
>At the party we finally see some of the drug, party's psyker senses warp taint on it. Oh shit.
>After the party we can't find the daughter. She dissapeared and witnesses said they had seen her take the drug. Noble is hysterical and tells us to drop everything and try to find her.
>Investigate and we eventually find a heretical techpriests hideout. He's been kidnapping people and turning those without psychic potential into the drug. Those without potential were turned into servitors.
>After a fight where I almost get cleaved in half by his power blades we manage to kill him by application of metal rod to forehead.
>Turns out that the Noble's daughter had been turned into a servitor. Shit.
>Leading servitor back to the noble, this following conversation takes place.
Me: Uh, I don't think we're getting paid for this. (The noble had, in his hysteria, promised us a reward if we found her)
Guardsman: Shit, I think you are right on that one. Well I'm not going out of this empty handed.
>And then he said those, to our group, legendary words.
'How much is a servitor worth?'
Yeah, we went there.
We are such terrible, terrible people.

>>14277117
>'How much is a servitor worth?'
Well, the Imperius doesn't mind slavery or servitors.
It probably doesn't seem morally offensive to them to as such a question.

>>14276546
>I just didn't have the heart to kill a retard.

Say what you will, that's a golden line.

>>14277117
You'd think so, but no.
Most Acolyte cells turn out to be horrible, horrible people. You're just lucky that you all get along; my Techpriest has been plotting the murder of the rest of the group for a while now.

I have a FUCKING MILLION OF THESE. OKAY. LETS SEE.

Dark Heresy. Planet being besieged by orks, beleaguered defenders send us to check out a nearby Arbites precinct house to see if they left behind any spare arms or armour, as every little helps at this point. We're a short distance from arming civilians, thats how bad things are.
So, owing to stumbling into a whole field of Oopsidaisies inside the precinct, we all stumble out into the impound lot. The precinct is also on fire at this point. That's of slightly less concern to us than the Mega-Armoured Nob who has just power-klaw'd his way through the chainlink fence surrounding the impound lot, however.

So, we all pile into a truck and a few hair raising rounds of OH FUCK WHY WON'T IT START later, we flee the scene. The Nob, who is now ALSO on fire, cannot quite keep up with us due to the massive weight of his armour, and we begin to get clear.

At this point, our Psyker decides he's going to cast a spell, either Point Blank Shot or Spasm (I forget) which does absolutely nothing to the Nob.. and then he rolls Perils. Specifically, he floats up into the air, static electricity flying all over the place.

He floats upwards.

The truck, already moving at full speed, rolls out from underneath him.

The Nob keeps coming, grinning like a madman...

>>14277280
That's funny, but I wouldn't call it full retard.

>>14277301
Maybe if he was the one driving?

>>14277308
>manifest psychic power
>while driving

He couldn't have possibly been that stupid.
...Unless he had safe auto

>>14277308
Casting while driving is a terrible idea even without the Perils, since you have to concentrate, and concentrating on something else for like 3 seconds or so can be a terrible idea when you drive through a hive street while there is war and trying to run from a Nob.

>Arbitrator is being mobbed by mutants
>pulls the pins of all his grenades
>somehow survives

Granted, the next wave of mutants got him

>party stops evil sorceror using magical maguffin gauntlet that would give him massive amounts of power
>it's obviously evil, covered in spikes and "sucks in light"
>"I put it on"

>>14277301
It wasn't right up there, I'll admit, but the Psyker's player kind of has a history of HURRRRR. Remember when I said I had a million of these? 90% of them are him. Also, until he decided to cast his spell and take one last pop at the ork, we were pretty much home free; there was nothing the Nob could do to stop us from escaping.

He reversed gravity no less than eight times in that campaign alone, on one notable case actually KILLING THE ENTIRE PARTY apart from the Techpriest (who had actually bought a clipharness and deployed it every time he saw the Psyker begin to manifest a power, JUST BECAUSE THIS SHIT KEPT HAPPENING). They survived by collectively burning a fate point, which lead to such a massive ripple in the warp that the cultists we were after managed to accidentally summon a couple of Bloodletters, much to their surprise.

Case in point: He decided that the best way to introduce himself to a new member of the Cell was to loudly proclaim that he was going to 'EAT THEIR SOUUUUUL'. They broke his jaw.

Shadowrun campaign, the team is trying to infiltrate a secure building through the sewers, and find a ladder leading up.

>resident hacker goes first
>doesn't have enough strength to make it up the ladder quickly with all of his equipment
>people below start jeering
>hacker decides he's tired of their shit, and is going to people's elbow them from off the ladder
>hacker has zero melee skill
>critical failure on his attack
>he flings himself at the party, who all take half a step back and watch him slam into the ground, fail his damage resistance roll, and shatter his elbow into a million pieces


Captcha: luditi are. Indeed, luddites and hackers don't mix. He should have just hacked CP onto their comlinks and called the cops.

>>14277413
>Case in point: He decided that the best way to introduce himself to a new member of the Cell was to loudly proclaim that he was going to 'EAT THEIR SOUUUUUL'. They broke his jaw.

I had a techpriest introduce himself to the party like this...

Cleric: Praise the emperor!
Techpriest McCranium: I don't worship the emperor.

>We've successfully robbed a bank for shitloads of money and fled to a different part of Africa to avoid pursuit
>Buy nice house in gated community to live in
>Private individual tracks us down to retrieve something we took from his safety deposit box
>MASSIVE FIREFIGHT ENSUES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
>Runner that actually owns the house gets a call from Lonestar, informing her there have been complaints about the noise and asking if they need a patrol sent out
>Our house is full of physical valuables stolen from the bank, a shitload of weapons some of which completely illegal and none of which we have licenses for, and my extremely illegal full milspec body armour is on prominent display on my unconscious and practically impossible to move body next to a giant hole in our wall, but we've just about managed to fend off the attackers
>"Yes, I'd like you to send some people".

>Case in point: He decided that the best way to introduce himself to a new member of the Cell was to loudly proclaim that he was going to 'EAT THEIR SOUUUUUL'. They broke his jaw.

Now THAT's full retard. Any decent Emperor-abiding Acolyte should have shot him in the face immediately, before he really gets to eat their soul, just in case.

As a non-DHfag, why would anyone deliberately play a psyker in a game like that? Are there perks for being a walking TPK?

>>14277448
you can shoot lightning with your brain

>>14277448
You are really overpowered as long as you are lucky. Some of the powers are completely gamebreaking. And if you get really far, you can manifest most powers with no risk.

>>14277448
everytime you use a power (any power) there's a chance of "perils of the warp".

They range from mind swaps, reversed gravity, daemon summoning, etc.

>>14277448
Psyker abilities are powerful and your actual odds of something going really seriously wrong are actually pretty low, unless the veil is thin or whatever else.

>>14277448
Well, they have power, and they are fun. Their fluff is cool, with all these years of torture they had to go through.

>>14277448
WHAT
>>14277457
SAID.

YOU CAN BUILD TO MAKE PERILS A TOTAL NON-THREAT, AND SO LONG AS YOU USE YOUR POWERS *WHEN APPROPRIATE* YOUR CHANCES OF EVER MEETING A SERIOUS PERILS RESULT ARE NEAR-ZERO.

>>14277463
Good for laughs from the whole party.

>>14277463

Curious is the danger related to the power level of the ability or could you tear a hole in the warp while manifesting the equivalent of a 0-level spell?

>>14277412
That's not too bad an idea, Unless in that world EVIL CORRUPTS EVERYTHING AND MAKES GOOD THINGS EVIL, he could potentially become a guardian of it, stopping it from falling into enemy hands.

The psyker in my game uses almost no powers. If shit is really going down he'll say "alright guys. I have this". He has done this about 3 times. Twice he reversed gravity.

>>14277483
A level 0 power can turn you into a daemonhost.

rolled 1, 1, 2, 2 = 6

> Players have the high ground atop a series of cliffs.
> Goblins below firing up to them.
> Retarded Human Mage/Fighter Hybrid (before forgotten realms) says he needs to get closer.
> Runs off the cliff.
> Runs off the next cliff.
> Uses the last of his move action to jump.
> House rule is that jumps can exceed move speed.
> Falls over the last 2 cliffs. Takes a total of 4d10 damage.
> Now is prone, alone, and surrounded by goblins.

>>14277483

IT'S ACTUALLY RELATED TO HOW HARD YOU TRY TO MANIFEST IT, SINCE EVERY POWER GETS STRONGER THE BETTER YOUR OUTCOME IS.

>>14277483
You CAN tear a hole in the warp with a level 0 spell (ok, actually the weakest psyker powers are moar like level 1, Light and such), but if you want want to manifest some mighty stuff, you have to rise your risk of perils.
It works like that: You have a Psy rating, starting at 1, and with 6 being OMGWTFBBQ. You may roll that much d10 (or less if you want) to manifest a power, and add your Willpower bonus (between 3 and 5, usually) to it. If you beat the threshold of a power you want to manifest, you manage to manifest it. The weakest powers have threshold 5, the strongest eva something like 23. For each 9 you roll on your manifestation, you invoke psychic phenomena, which aren't really bad in most cases, but with 25% probability the phenomena become perils, which are the bad ones.
The veil to the Warp may be weakened or even almost non-existent somewhere. These adds to your manifestation roll, but invokes phenomena on 7-10 or something (if weakened) or even every time (if it is seriously damaged).
Some talents you get let you roll twice on the phenomena, taking the better one or another neat stuff.

rolled 1, 5, 6, 6 = 18

> Fighting Shadow-kai cult fuckers. They've located themselves in the sewers of a city to summon a literal shit hydra.
> We slog through the defenses and then comes the traps.
> Swordmage declares he is best at trap detection.
> Runs through the hallway of traps setting them off on purpose.

> We get to the main cultist room and all that's left is to kill the last summoning witch and dump the cauldron of summoning shit.
> Swordmage decides to lightning lasso her into the cauldron.
> A literal shit hydra appears!
> Frantic action pointing and teleporting allows 4/5 party members to escape, we watch as shit hydra destroys town. Both swordmage and avenger of Kord now want to go back and loot the town.

>>14277413
More tales of this guy's phenomenal lack of judgement, this time in Rogue Trader. The party is as follows:

Full Retard: Archmilitant, wearing military-standard power armour and toting a bewildering array of weapons, including a Plasma Cannon.

Homebrewed Eldar pilot. Player can't really roll very well for some reason, but he tries.

Ork Freeboota. Recently replaced part of his cranium with bulls horns and is ABSOLUTELY ECSTATIC ABOUT THIS.

Astropath, who has a major artifact of some horrible xenos entity attached to the end of his staff by a bit of string because he doesn't actually know what it fucking is. Fun guy to play with, takes entertaining risks but isn't retarded about it.

Finally, my character; an Explorator with a power axe, a jump pack, and a genius level IQ (thanks to a stolen Best Quality Cortex Implant!) that made him erratic at best, insane at worst.

Continued.

>>14277448
Every time you use a power you need to roll at least one dice. If any die rolls a 9 you then roll to manifest phenomona, which are mild things like "it's cold" or "food goes off". If you roll above 75 on this then roll for Perils of the Warp, which are more serious and include reversing gravity, summoning daemons and instant death.

To sum up, for every physic die you roll there is a 1 in 40 chance for somethin bad to happen, and in exchange you get the only magic in the game world.

>>14277631
So, the party is on some jungle planet filled with angry semi-sentient vegetation monsters, investigating a strange energy reading. Think plant-ewoks crossed with those terrifying midget-mummies from The Mummy Returns.

Much to our surprise, we manage to find the remains of an imperial outpost. Specifically, we find it by falling through the skylights on the roof, because it is now completely overgrown with plants and the glass has long since been shattered.

So, we're exploring the long-forgotten halls of this ancient research outpost, and the GM takes great care to tell us that the entire structure is very dilapidated and unstable and any large shocks such as an explosion could easily cause a fatal cave-in.
We come across a room full of these large, organic looking bulbs growing out of the floor; like plant bulbs, you know? Either way, they're attached to tentacles, which promptly freak out and begin to attack us. We begin to fight them, the Ork gleefully charging into close combat with the Astropath and Eldar following, hacking away at the tentacles with power weapons.

At this point, the Arch-Militant loudly states that he is firing his plasma cannon.

The entire room stares at him. The Ork player asks him if he knows what a plasma cannon actually does, to which he proudly responds "Yes. It fucks shit up."

Continued.

>>14277640
>To sum up, for every physic die you roll there is a 1 in 40 chance for somethin bad to happen, and in exchange you get the only magic in the game world.
You forget the Faith Powers. They are pretty much the WAAAAGH! powers of the humanity.

>>14277483
See >>14277640

The thing is, a weak power might need 1 die to manifest, while a stronger one could need 5/6. More dice means a higher chance of perils.

>>14277647
Now, the Plasma Cannon has a blast radius. Everyone in the party apart from the Arch-Militant (and me, as I am standing next to him) is inside said radius. Not only that, the Eldar player is badly wounded from an encounter with the mummy-ewoks, and if he is hit, there is LITERALLY NO WAY HE CAN SURVIVE. Archmilitant is informed this, in no uncertain terms.

He argues that he can't really do anything else, the rest of the group point out that he has about six other guns on him RIGHT NOW, he argues that they don't do as much damage, the rest of the group points out that firing a massive anti-tank weapon inside a visibly unstable building is an absolutely retarded thing to do, and so on.

Now, I've seen this kind of argument flare up before, and all it means is that the Arch-Militant's player inevitably loses, spends the rest of the night sulking, and generally spoils the atmosphere of the whole night.

So, while everyone else is arguing, I turn to the GM and tell him I want to make a Tech-Use test.

"What for?"

"I want to turn off his Plasma Cannon."

Continued.

>>14277448
Because they're the wizards of 40k, just balanced a bit by being able to kill everyone with a perils of the warp hit.

>>14277659
Now, the GM loves this. I mean he REALLY loves this, so he has me roll for it, and I pass by about seven degrees of success. I am a fucking technological genius, after all.

It is about this time that the Arch-Militant's player notices whats going on, and demands that he should be able to notice what I'm doing and stop me. The GM points out that actually, he probably can't see what i'm doing too well as he has an ENORMOUS PLASMA CANNON ON HIS SHOULDER BETWEEN HIM AND ME. Still, he outright DEMANDS a perception check, which the GM alllows.. And he promptly fails miserably.

So, the Militant goes to fire his Plasma Cannon, which makes a stuttering whine and fails to charge. The rest of the group promptly dispatch the bulbs with ease (as it turns out, they only had about three wounds left between them).

Militant calls me an asshole and decides to spend the rest of the night sulking even harder than usual, before leaving for home early, apparently completely unaware that I had only been trying to stop everyone from getting angry at him in the first place..

C'est la vie, I guess.

D20 modern

> playing a Crazy kobold demo man
> party gets sent to a Oil feild to kill some cult members
> find out they are on a Oil Tanker moored near it
> Sneak ahead of the party derped a stealth check and 8 guys hear me
> I roll a Bluff check Nat 20 tookie tookie kak kar tookie tookie kak kar they dismiss it and go back to their own stuff
> rest of party is trying to talk their way on
> climb up the mooring line to the Tanker
> find air ducts and climb in do some mad scurrying about and yeah C4 everywhere overhear heaps to do with story as DM fucks up royally and nobody notices me in the air ducts
> rest of party have gotten to the boat by now
> dm asks how much C4 I had in my backpack of holding I tell him it was Full and is now empty
> lol falls out of airduct and run my scaly ass off and jump overboard and blow the ship

EVERYTHING Blew the fuck up ended the game killed 6 party members including myself blew up the oil refinery the boat happened to have a reactor and the refinery is set in the crater of a ... Dormant volcano so the game resulted in me making New Zealands south Island become 2 small islands

Now our DM will never let me use anyform of explosive due to well this happens most times I have a char with a half decent INT score

>>14277665
How about not inviting him to the next game?

>>14276122 No using the old man as cover from the turrets
Because he was in the -process- of cutting the old man from his hoverchair.

I hate smartass players who ignore all the warnings, and then trying to rules-lawyer their way into surviving what they obviously should not. It's not like the DM was just randomly killing him for laughs.

>>14277697
Not my group. I think they only keep him around because he was one of their original members (they all know each other from school) OR he makes for an entertaining punching bag; most of his characters are incredibly shitty, but he's convinced that they're full-on amazing gamebreaking deathmachines because he (I'm pretty sure) makes threads on RPG forums asking for overpowered character builds. This makes his inevitable failure and death more humiliating.

Honestly, I feel kind of sorry for him, which is why I was trying to be discreet and force him into using another weapon and helping the group out.

I was one of the players, but the victim of their stupidity.
>Playing a Neutral Good Archivist, so Good I shit rainbows and heal people just by standing nearby
>Have a familiar, my dog Scruffy
>Investigating a cult, I'm being nice and diplomatic, with great success, while my party is off being assholes and trying to intimidate people, failing horribly
>Finally find the Cult, they're summoning all of the Nine Lords in two hours!
>FFFFFUUUU run run run
>Meet up with the party
>Fight through wave after wave of cultist, kamikazes trying to keep us back
>Reach the central chamber
>Kill everyone in it
>Too late, the portal is opening
>Nat 20 Religion Check!
>A holy object must be sacrificed to close the portal
>Start to get out my chain of dozens of holy symbols to use
>Two party members push me into the portal
>MFW they couldn't have waited two mother fucking seconds

>>14277752

What book is Archivist from?

>>14277761
Heroes of Horror.

>>14277761

Heroes of Horror.

>>14277752
ha, that's the kind of thing that would happen in real life.

I can just imagine them looking at each other, the cogs turning in their tiny heads, thinking 'what's the holiest thing in here?...'

>Players tasked to save village from horrible horrible curse.
>One McGuffin held by local giant.
>Players search the woods for giant and gets into a fight with wildlife.
>Ranger and cleric wouned and has to rest.
>Dwarf warrior gets pissy about them slowing shit down and enters the giant's lair alone.
>Dwarf finds giant sleeping, McGuffin in a corner of the cave.
>Dwarf attempts to kill the giant.
>3 turn later the dwarf is dead.
>Other players enter to save him after hearing screams. Sees the carnage, goes for the jugular anyway.

>Next session, new characters.

>>14277790
I can totally see that too. The fighter and rogue are looking around, and there's tons of evil artifacts on the floor and walls, then they see the Archivist, glowing with holy light, trying to pull something out of his robe. They look at each other, and back to him. Then they give him a good hard shove.

This was in a homebrew based on the Persona series from shin megami tensei
>Player found a robot dumped in a dark alley way
>Does a perception check, notices that there's some sort of shiny square on the robot's back
>Attempts to remove the square for 3 turns, all unsuccessful
>Then attempts to break it
>FOR FUCKS SAKE ITS A SOLAR PANEL YOU TWAT

In hindsight, I don't know why he was so bloody paranoid about the thing. The robot turned out to be a party member later that scanned enemies for them, and the fucking tard tried to break it.

>>14277817
That's exactly how I pictured it.

D20 Apocalypse: THAT GUY tried to make a character with 7 strength. He was the techie, but still.
After the DM forced him to reroll, he decides to start fights with friendly NPC's at every opportunity.

I thought this was pretty funny, but apparently our DM didn't:

>2 hobgoblins rush into the room
>Bard asks: "Can I use Ghost Sound to perform anal ventriloquism? They'll get distracted and shift their attention from us to their magically speaking asses."

>>14277921
With a Bluff check DC... I'd say 15 I would it to you. But then, I never DMed.

>>14277899
What's wrong about it? Lots of wizards have even less. And have you seen lots of techies with great strength IRL?

>>14277896
If all you said was that it had a shiny panel on its back, then you can hardly call him a retard. You did not give sufficient information, most people will recognise a solar panel when they see one so why did you just not say it was a solar panel?

>>14277949
We were military soldiers that had been in cryo since before the apocalypse. Thus, humans.
The veteran was playing an orc mercenary, and found us.
He got us out, an thus begins our orders, left to be accomplished in the event of a nuclear holocaust.
We were soldiers, and should be stronger than that.

It's been a while since I've told this story here...

>Group is having a beer at the local inn.
>Rogue starts to investigate this "mysterious stranger" that got some "bad vibes" and wears all black and many NPCs been telling him "Don't go near this fellow. He reeks of murder"
>Rogue picks lock and enters into the NPC assassin's room
>I don't got heart to kill the rogue so instead I make the assassin to kidnap him
>Rest of the party breaks into the room with force, but the assassin has already escaped with the Rogue through window.
>The innkeeper barges in and demands that the groups pays for the broken door OR AT VERY LEAST TRY TO FIX THE BLOODY DOOR!!
>The groups kills the innkeeper, but realize that they might get involed with local city guard.
>The group starts to fake the innkeepers suicide by hanging him from the window on noose (ignoring the multiple stab wounds and forging a suicide letter (even if they don't know the innkeepers name or anything else about him)
>To make it look like a genuine suicide, the group decides to fix the door.

>>14278068
>>To make it look like a genuine suicide, the group decides to fix the door.

I LAUGHED.

>>14278068

Party has just slain a big bad black knight that barely went down. Only thing intact of him is the helmet.

Guy playing Soldier: "I put it on"
Rest of group: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

>>14278172
Should finish my posts, This was after i made anyone even look at it take the equivalent of a willpower test (It's from a swedish gamesystem called Götterdämmerung, it's nice.) And the best part is, they all just shot him dead where he stood and looted his items(before i could stop them). But they did not take off the bloody helmet, so he got up a few turns later and cut down the entire group with the flat of his hand.

>>14276384

lold at the pic, i'm always looking for more great Willow/Buffy ones, ty

also this thread is amazing in general, well done OP, well done

Dark heresy: Running Shattered Hope, that starter adventure thingy just to fill out my campaign. They get to the fucking hole in the floor. TOTAL PARTY WIPEOUT. It wasn't even all at the same time, they all jumped, one by one, and DIED. After burning some fate points and getting to the chasm in the floor that the guardsman goes: "Can i tie my rope to something and try to get it to stick to the other side?"

MFW HE DIDN'T JUST USE THE ROPE AT THE FUCKING HOLE! I EVEN SAID: "YOU SHOULD PROBABLY USE CLIMBING TOOLS IF YOU HAVE ANY, SUCH AS ROPE"

Bump, there must be more entertaining stories out there!

This thread

made me laugh

so hard

Ops story, the dwarf in the well, the elf against the 10.000 army bitchslap and several other stories are so awesome

that my head hurts like a bitch now

bump

In the very first session of the very first campaign I ever played (Dark Heresy), we were tasked with kidnapping a club owner who had links to a big smuggling ring in the hive.

We snuck in alright, and the GM asked everyone to roll perception. One of our many durp guardsman passes on a 1 to see a 17 year old girl steal my wallet on a 2. Bearing in mind my wallet is empty, and I made this clear before we entered, because one of our psykers had to pay for my entry. In response, he draws his autorifle, and blasts her on full auto. in a crowded club. which we were supposed to be infiltrating. she turns to goo, and we somehow get off scot free.

Bearing in mind, this is the same session I murdered a higher ranking acolyte because I saw him pocket some archeotech (I was a techpriest, so yeah). I ended up getting kidnapped.

>Lightly wounded party walks out of final encounter, while all enforcers of law are distracted by allied narco-gang.
>They walk through the deserted streets to get to the train station.
>They come by the enforcers station.
>"Are there cars in the parking lot?" - "Why, yes."
>Arbites tries to hijack enforcer car without tools.
>Fails naturally and sets off alarm

My face when the party was too lazy to walk ingame.

>>14278761
Inquisitor Walken? Is that you?

>>14278651

Hi techpriest, I never knew you browsed /tg/. Oh the joys of plymouth.

>>14278798
Yep, that's him.

>>14278761
If they just got through Edge of Darkness I can't blame them. The finale can be a really killer.

>>14278819
Assault shotgun.
'Nuff said.

And what has having survived the final encounter to do with trying to steal an enforcer car?
On the side of their defence, the Arbites was only 16 (Not the player, the PC.).

>>14278761
yeah gotta hate that when people actually try to role-play. fucking dupes

>>14279036
I thought that first, too. But then, it's an Arbites, a fucking policeman. They don't usually steal cars.

-Psychic Warrior eats a ton of mushrooms in the dungeon.
-Comes across bugbear gardener with magical fertilizer.
-Kills bugbear, takes fertilizer.
-"I'm gonna drink this magic fertilizer"
-"It's gonna make the mushrooms grow bigger than you"
-"Okay so I drink it."

The party spent the next 10 minutes carefully applying healing spells so he didn't die while they cut him open cause it grew enough to cut off his air passage.

>>14279036
Thing is, they just walked out of a huge fucking explosion and are currently stealing away into the night.
Their extraction point is less than a mile away.
Stealing a car right now is totally unnecessary.
Also the Arbites has no apppropraite tools for hijacking the car, thus his attempt is a 90% failure.
Plus: This thing belongs to the very guys whom they are trying to evade.

>>14276152
>Paranoia
You're SUPPOSED to go full retard in Paranoia. If your players survive a campaign, all of you are doing it wrong.

Sometimes the DM can go even more retard then the player.

>Plays a bard who's magical insturment is "cowbell".
>Goes into town to captivate an audience of upper class merchants for all their money.
>"Gotta' have more cowbell..."
>Entire town kidnaps me and forces me to perform for them, and I'm exhausted, and scared to stop playing, my team has to save me.
>Thank God they did. Because the richest women of the town payed good money to force me after a performance to have sex with me. Spent several rounds running around the room, completely unarmed, and too tired to use my spells screaming for those dumb fuckers to come save me. My dick is too precious to not be raking in 100% of the profits.

After that we considered the cowbell just any genetic performance thing I fluffed it as.

>"THAT GUY" plays a beguiler
>he decides to climb down 50 feet and scout a cave
>he has dancing lights up
>mfw when 30 kobolds are hidden behind baricade
>mfw he gets hit 6 times
>mfw when 3 of them are criticals
>BOOM HEADSHOT
>we go down, try to recover body
>FIREBALL
>body burnt to crisp
>him and his little brother are butthurt
>he rages
>mfw when they both get kicked out
>now we can get shit done
>everythingwentbetterthanexpected.jpg

>>14279491
lol, beguilers. The most useless of all spellcasters.

I got to see one play from levels 11-14. He literally died or almost died EVERY SESSION, and our enemies usually saved against his spells. He hardly ever achieved anything.

>>14279491

There's a That Guy in that story, alright. And it's everybody. Face facts, you're all Those Guys.

>Our Wizard recently read all the pro-Wizard hype and thinks that be sacking Evocation in favor of utility spells he'll be super powerful.
>Gets to about level 7 and tries to murder the party.
>Gets dropped by Fighter.
>Doesn't come back for awhile and bitches about it online.

>>14279543

Ain't hype if it's true, son.

>>14279525

We would have been better off with a half-giant rouge

>>14279543
What a dumb shit. Fly + Improved Inviz works good. Wind Wall if you are afraid of invisibility-detecting archers

>>14279576
In one game, one of the higher-ranking NPCs was a half-orc barbarian/rogue. He was the boss of a intelligence agency hit squad. That guy was SCARY. (Until we finally saw the always hidden arm of OUR boss, which happened to be an iron golem arm)

>>14279543
Wow. That's the shittiest wizard ever.

>>14279491
That's a motherfucking shitty Beguiler too.

God, it's almost like spellcasters are hard to play and only experienced players who know what the fuck they're doing should play them.

Our bard is atleast half retard at all times. The party doesnt help much
>After defeating the summoner, his greater demon boils down, screaming, into a disgusting blackish ichor
>Bard investigates
>"It smells terrible. Howver, (roll) this ichor could be extremely valuable, as it is the main component in summoning demons
>I chug it
LOLWUT.
>are you serious? Rest of party, talk him out of this!
>(them) CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!
oh lawds

>playing dark heresy.
>PC is always playing very minor tricks to try and get another PC playing an SoB to spank him.
>everyone kind of slightly weirded out, slightly found it funny.
>SOB not happy.
>sends word to cannoness and the sister in charge of discipline with the whips (forgot what they are called)
>Cannoness sends word to our npc inquistor, sends word to player that immediate retribution shall befall him if this heresy of obstruction of his agents continues.
>PC shuts up for a while.
>one session later, slaps SOB on the ass.
>SOB seems to play along, drags him to her room, where he is drugged and bound
>he wakes up in the SOB's order church to find himself on lap of the cannoness
>She informs him that he is in need of a spanking
>Sister with whip is standing behind him with a powerfist.
>PC has to make new character.

>>14279706
HA!

Dumbass.

>>14279549
Apparently, Hype isn't idiot-proof.

>>14279706

...I dont even want to imagine what that must have felt like.

>>14279706
>She informs him that he is in need of a spanking
>Sister with whip is standing behind him with a powerfist.
Holy crap.

>>14279758
Not anymore!

>>14279717

>>14279706
Well, this was deserved but power fisting strikes me as a little GM-dickery.
What happened to a good wipping from the inquisition's ugly hunched henchmen?

>>14276891
Are you sure the drow raiders weren't a Plains Drake?

'Cuz that sounds like something I did by accident once.

>>14279758
>>14279842
>>14279717
>DumbASS
>Holy CRAP
>Power FISTING
Oh boy, it's fetish night, isn't it?

>>14279865
Yes.

Now roll 1d20.

rolled 19 = 19

>>14279870
Rolling for anal circumference actually isn't a d20, it's...

well, I don't remember.

>>14279842
>>14279842
I can see where you're going. but when your Inquistor comes down and says, "Hey! cut that out. only warning." he shouldnt have done it.

>>14279879
Ah, damn, 19.

On a twenty you develop a new fetish.

>>14279879
1d100 for toughness?

>>14279865
It's not fetish night until someone posts pics of SoBs receiving or distributing the spankings.

>>14279865
Do not forget
>GM-dickery.

Playing nWoD, being one of those GM's with a super special snowflake story (the players had the option to abandon the story at any time and I wouldn't stop them, but they were trying to prevent an apocalyptic event, which most likely would've killed them if they did nothing about it. It was a 7 day campaign, game time.)

>Vampire faction recruiting any supernatural they can to help combat faction working towards causing the apocalypse
>Stationed in a room in a large building in San Francisco
>Offers monetary reward and goods/services for proof of death of enemy leaders
>Player has head of an enemy leader, walks in the front door without using his cell phone to get in touch with the contact that has always been their guide to said room (about 4x so far throughout the campaign)
>Receptionist in the building freaks out and leaps behind the desk due to seeing a man carrying a fresh, bloody, severed head (he didn't even try to conceal that thing, and one of his powers was to make objects he was carrying hidden)
>I let him know that most likely, she didn't get a good look at him, and that nobody is around outside so nobody could have recorded his vehicle's license plate (basically I told him if he ran away now, he'd be scott-free)
>Player decides instead to take out his automatic rifle hidden his in coat and his hand gun (which he does not have a license for) and take them apart and set them on the receptionists desk
>Sits in front of the receptionists desk with bloody head in lap and waits for police.
>Gets thrown in local jail, where there is a barred window.
>He's a vampire.
hurpadurpadoo!

>>14279706
You mean the Sister Dominatris?
That's the ones in charge of leading the Repentia into battle.

>>14279965
yeah her. I remember it was something like that.

they are in charge of the repentias, but they themselves are still fine by the order.

>>14279963

>>14279967
Oops, sorry.
The English term was Mistress.
Good thing I looked it up.

This was a one off game of DnD 3rd ed we played with a party of two thieves on a day when the rest of the players couldn't make it. I was the DM. The two thieves scraped through stunt after insane stunt on dumb luck. Finally I decided their over-the-top shenanigans had attracted the attention of a vigilante. This is what followed:

>thieves run into a series of explosive-based traps while robbing a house
>meet the vigilante who anticipated their arrival and set the traps
>a fight ensues, continuing to showcase the vig's skill with explosives
>thieves escape, wounded and empty handed after a brief fight with the vig
>they go back to their home only to find the door ajar and the lock broken
>one thief asks the other "do you think the vig is here?"
>the other says "we'll find out!" and busts the door down
>surprise, there's a trap
>the thief explodes
>"He's an explosives expert, what did you THINK was gonna happen?"

>Party literally stumbles into a floorplate-activated flame trap.

>While rogue is about to disarm it, fighter says, "I'm gonna just run through the trap." Three saving throws and three fire damage rolls ensue.

>Cleric says, "I'm gonna go past the trap too."

>Fire damage.

>Cleric: "I'm gonna go back and forth across the fire trap. Whatever, man, I can heal myself."

Unfortunately, I didn't think until later about the best way to handle this. "As you jump into the fire again, your entire body is ripped with the agony of your skin blistering and boiling off of your flesh. Your vision goes hazy as your corneas scar, and you can feel your clothing, hair and equipment catching fire. You think you notice smoke coming out of your scroll case, and your potion bottles burst. Want to jump in that trap again?"

>>14279856
nope. it was most definitely drow.
i remember because the cleric made it his sole duty to catch the one he had been chasing.

>this thread

>>14276122

Better than the Tomb of Horrors, which was "well, you all. LOLDED, no save, Gygax said". The place instead SCREAMED INSTANT DEATH and gave you simple rules to avoid being red blots. Tomb of Horrors didn't had "1. Don't move all the levers down. 2. Don't jump in the mouth of statues. 3. If some treasure chest is well-hidden, it is a trap" being trumpeted by a magic mouth - But if it had, you would advocate on someone who died doing EXACTLY THAT?

>>14280131
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D_K2Zj9UcCU

>>14280157

Yeah, but being a Tournament Module, Tomb of Horrors is specifically fun because of the player deaths. Nobody runs that place expecting to make it out alive.

Unless, of course, you put the Tomb into an already established campaign with characters that people put time into, (Or think that's the intended use of the module) in which case you're a fucking retard and shouldn't be DMing anyways.

moar sotires

Running Deathwatch. Decided to spice up the usual 'Kill shit' I'd been running them through with some roleplay.

Mission: Chaos is attacking a planet to get a holy relic being held by a SOB Order, the main military force on the planet. It is unknown if they will hold or not at this point and there is no support incomming soon, so the Deathwatch has been asked to retrieve the relic for safety.

What I expected: Fight/Sneak thier way through scattered Chaos Forces, convince the Sisters to allow them to take the relic, make a mad dash for the evac zone.

What they do: Three of the players, even after I've given a description of the Convent that includes twenty metre tall walls with heavy bolter emplacements and an Armoured Company (Including a Fucking Stormlord painted up in SOB colours) decide the best option is to take the convent by force.

Space Wolf Tactical: We can take 'em, It's just the Sisters!
Space Wolf Assault: Yeah, lets storm the castle!
Ultramarine Devestator: Yeah, sounds good to me. They'd probebly flamer us anyway.
Lamentor Apothecary: Dudes? Umm...I don't think I can stand by you if you do this. The Sisters are our allies and my chapter was kinda given our first company banner by this order...
Others: Oh come on, we can do it!
Lamentor: No. If you do this, I'm standing by the Sisters, not you. They are our allies.

So yeah, they part ways and the three stooges head towards the convent.

>Shadowrun 4th Edition Story
>PC is SINless, and covered in highly illegal weaponry.
>While scouting a mission in his motorcycle, gets pulled over by Lone Star for driving repeatedly in the same location.
>Pulls over and hands cop fake ID.
>Fake ID (luckily) clears.
>Cop asks to search vehicle.
>PC stupidly agrees.
>Finds 3 pounds of C4
>PC finally decides to try and escape.
>PC gets tased by cop, falls to ground.
>PC decides to use illegal implant weapons to fight back, injures one cop.
>Other cop tases him again.
>Put on implant restraints, throw his ass in trunk.
>PC decides to use implant-hidden stash of C4 explosives to free himself from trunk.

End of both PC and story

>>14280401

Just out of curiousity, the whole
>pc stupidly allows the cop to search
bit. How exactly is that stupid? Yes, they had about an asston of illegal shit in there, but what were they going to do, deny them the right to search? Floor it and get pasted by heavy weaponry? How exactly are you supposed to get out of this situation, short of 'Here's 500 bucks, leave me alone'?

>>14280388
>founding chapters are retarded
>minor chapter wants to do smart thing
40k in a nutshell I guess

>>14280432
The point is they may have suspicion but not jurisdiction. If they're asking, politely, then they probably are not actually allowed to search without the owner's permission. So, they'll ask, and if you really are a perfectly law-abiding citizen you'll could yes and they'll check and you'll be in the clear, but if you say no they still don't have enough evidence to do anything about it. You might be smuggling or you might just like your privacy.

Not really on-topic, but I've seen a couple of instances in this thread...

Natural 1's only count for attack rolls in D&D. Why do most people think that when you roll a 1 for skill checks, you auto-critical fail? You don't.

What the fuck man.

>>14280494

>implying you won't fail on a 1 anyways

I don't put up with full retard. If a character vomits, and then the player decides to eat his own vomit, or eat another character's vomit, or some other equally retarded attempt at elementary school humor, then I'll just tell him to shut the fuck up (unless there is a DAMN GOOD REASON for the action).

Similarly, shit like killing NPCs/PCs when you have no reason to and just being all HERR DERR THIS'LL BE FUNNY gets cockblocked from me. This isn't GTA or something, you can't just throw away reason and start playgrounding the fucking game, it's not fun for anyone with half a brain in their heads.

>>14280388

They walk up, in plain sight of the walls. The Sisters see the non-chaos colours and don't immediately fire but radio down for them to identify. The Devestator opens fire with his heavy bolter. The tactical begins to snipe Sisters with his bolter and the Assault Marine uses his jump pack to get to the top of the walls and begin slicing people up.

They kill a few then the Sisters begin to hit back. The Assault Marine is the first to fall, quite litterally in his case as he manages to fail an opposed STR test against a Celestian and gets kicked off the walls.

The Tactical Marine gets pissed at this and refuses to retreat when the tanks start rolling out of the gates. He gets pasted when the Exorcist opens up on his position, even after the devestator pissbolted from it.

The Devestator makes no effort to conceal himself or his tracks and enjoys being hunted down by Seraphim and shot as he tries to explain that it wasn't his idea.

The Apothacary radios in his position, formally requests to enter and helps patch up Sisters wounded in the 'False Flag Chaos attack', convinces the Cannoness to allow him to sneak the relic out and completes his mission without having to fire a shot.

>>14280527

>The Assault Marine is the first to fall, quite litterally in his case as he manages to fail an opposed STR test against a Celestian and gets kicked off the walls.

Best. Celestian. Ever.

>>14280508

Why would you fail on a 1? Knowing the min-maxers here, a 1 is still a pass, just not an extraordinary one. Take my Monk for example. Level 12, even rolling a 1 on his stealth check ets him a 28. Thievery, a 1 would get him a 25.

Or do people really roll for shit they have no business rolling for? (Untrained skills, low skills when they don't have to roll...)

D&D 3.5e
> Chaotic Good Dwarven Barbarian's player decides that an intelligence score of 9 makes him incapable of logic and just fucks around disregarding his alignment.
> 1st level Party enters town, HC starts fight in bar over the Barmaid whose Half-Orc husband is a level 10 Warrior.
> Party SOMEHOW gets out of it intact.
> Priests of Pelor request help from party.
> HC decides to grab one and throw him down the temple's stairs and punches one in the face.
> After a romp through the town running from angry mobs and guards they make it out alive and are banished from the town.
> When asked why in the Nine Hells he did it he replies, "That wasn't the plan from the beginning?"

mfw

>They kill a few then the Sisters begin to hit back. The Assault Marine is the first to fall, quite litterally in his case as he manages to fail an opposed STR test against a Celestian and gets kicked off the walls.

>The Tactical Marine gets pissed at this and refuses to retreat when the tanks start rolling out of the gates. He gets pasted when the Exorcist opens up on his position, even after the devestator pissbolted from it.

>The Devestator makes no effort to conceal himself or his tracks and enjoys being hunted down by Seraphim and shot as he tries to explain that it wasn't his idea.

I'm not sure who died the worst. The Assault Marine losing an assault to a human, the Tactical being too retarded to retreat from an anti-armour tank or the Devestator begging for his life.

I think the Devestator.

>>14280564
Lots of games are quite low-level. Some people have low Int and are Clerics, for example, having almost no skillpoints whatsoever. Sometimes you ARE required to do something you aren't trained in, like a wizard having to climp something or to swim out of somewhere or to balance on something.

>>14280388
>>Stormlord painted up in SOB colours.
...HOT.
Great story too, btw.

>>14280527
NONE MAY STAND AGAINST SPACE MARINES

>>14280662

I understand this, but it seems that they take it overboard far too often.

"Oh man, you rolled a 1 on your Swim check and missed the DC by 5? A Great White Shark launches you into the air like a seal and ravages your torso, take 28 points of damage."

-all said while PC is trying to swim across a slow moving stream-

>>14280717
People over-exaggerate critical failures AND critical successes. It's nothing new.

>>14277896
>Homebrew Persona campaign.

I jelly.

>Party begins getting gung ho about everything, doesn't pay attention to what anyone says beyond "go there, kill this many of these, rescue X"
>Takes two prisoners, hands over to local lord.
>Barbarian tries interrogating
>Kills them both when he doesn't immediately get results
>In front of prison guards
>Kills three guards before going into negatives.
>Wakes up in dungeon.
>"Roll a new character"

I forced every single one of them to watch his execution as an example. I offered them the option of trial by combat, but they were level two and thought it was a huge fucking deal that their opponent would have full plate armor.

>>14280432

What heavy weaponry? The Lone Star cops he was being held up by were in a patrol car for a quiet neighborhood, and packing nonlethal weapons. When he fought back, all they could do was tase him. I even informed him as he asked for the description of the cops that they were packing no obvious firearms, but had holstered tasers. He could have taken them at any time, but he waited until the worst possible moment.

>>14280617
And they shall know no fear? Kudos to the Devastator for playing the Ultramarine so well.

>>14280717
>fucking shark attack for swimming so poorly

>>14280717
I hate the "all ones are failures, all 20s successes, no matter how ridiculous" sort of people myself. I only allow it to my DM in the D&D setting he made himself, with more than half the rules written anew, and only for Wizardry checks and the like. He made magic, metamagic and counterspell into a skill check and made a mana system instead of spell per day. Of course, every spellcaster has his Wizardry/Theurgy skills maxed out, and won't actually fail even on a nat 1. However, if we roll a 1, he lets us "confirm" it. If we roll something other than 1 on the re-roll, the spell works, but looks differently (light makes a weird formed spot or is unusually coloured or whatever, mage armour is visible as actual armour, he makes up new stuff on the spot every time). If, however, we roll two ones in row, the spell backfires, in a way dependant on the spell (in the only case it happened so far, a light spell caused 1d6 damage to the caster and set the robe that was the target of the spell on fire. He announced, however, that attack spells would be way more dangerous). 1/400 probability for a hilarious mistake is ok, even if the skill is maxed out (currently our wizards in that campaign have +18 or so on wizardry checks)

>In a campain (D&D) trying to sneak our way into a castle where the king is located.
>Friend claims he is the royal aviator (we had custom classes his had to do with summoning birds)
>Gaurds don't understand and send him away.
>Next thing we know he is riding 2 of his birds up to a window shouting "FUCK YOU I'M THE ROYAL AVIATOR!"
>He makes it in safely and lowers a rope for us as the gaurds stand there in complete shock over what just happened.

>>14280850
What's the big deal?
If you succeed anyway, why even roll if not for backfiring hilarity?
Failing is half the fun about roleplaying (the other half is succeeding).
And if you do, you can as well do so in style.

>>14280950
That's actually pretty awesome

>>14280527

Here, made this in 'honour' of your Assault Marine. Over 5000 hours in paint.

>>14280969
That's pretty much what I intended to say.

>>14280950
Don't fuck with the Royal Aviator!

>BBEG Wizard's chamber is behind an illusionary wall
>Party finds footprints leading up to the wall
>Players become convinced the wall is some kind of death trap
>Party spends 15 minutes examining the wall while being careful not to touch it
>Finally, one of them touches it and realizes it's an illusion
>They all charge through
>BBEG Wizard heard them fooling around by the wall and has spent the last few minutes summoning a fuckton of monsters and casting a fuckton of buffs on himself and his minions

And then they somehow beat him anyway.

>>14280527
Your Lamenter is a bro.
Let me know if you run DW with him online and need a player.

>>14281010
I know that feel.
Raging Techno-augmented assassin struck down by a standard-issue laser rifle.
With one burst.

>>14280969
Critically failing a swim test in a slow moving stream probably shouldn't summon great white sharks…
>>14280527
I remember you taking about having to stat all that up a few weeks/months ago. Glad to see the hilarious results.

>>14281058
Wait, is that a rule?
There is some actual table that demands this?
That changes everything.

>>14281058

Can't say I'm happy with killing off PCs but damn if they didn't ask for it.

>>14281033

Sorry, it was IRL. Also: The Lamentor player has an epic trollface.

>>14281085
Oh, no, I don't think so, I'm just saying that DM-crap like in the shark example is unnecessarily extreme.

>>14281099
Damn. Give him a proxy fistbump for me.

>>14281102
Oh, sure.
I was just irritated by the continuus mentioning of shark attacks for bad swimming.
DH has critical damage tables that grow rather extreme in the details.
(10 critical damage (in excess of lifepoints) from a laser weapon to the torso means the target dies in a fireball that makes all ammo on the body go off and all combustible materials burn away.)
That is why I assumed it could be a rule.

In a battle with a chimera, myself (warlock), our Fighter (typical hur dur swing a sword), A rogue, a fighter (archer I think) and maybe a Cleric. This was a while back.

>DM: Alright the chimera falls to the ground, not dead but bleeding out.
>Fighter: Alright I rape it.
>DM: Wut...
>Rest of us: Wut...!
>Fighter: My character drops his pants, puts his dick in the chimera, and thrusts until its dead.
>Me: WHAT THE FUCK
>*Nods from the rest of the party, the fighter had clearly lost his mind.*
>DM allows it
> areyoukiddingme.png

>>14276546
I don't think gunpowder in a wineskin would be much of an explosion, to be honest. I mean, think of a grenade - those things are stuffed with TNT. Wineskin is similar size, maybe more explosives in volume, but significantly less powerful.

And what does it have to create shrapnel with? Not a metal casing like a grenade! Just some leather.

I could see it taking off your hand if it went off while you were holding it, but other than that it'd probably just make a loud bang.

>>14282040
>DM allows it
Of course he does. It's not the DM's job to be your moral guardian. If you or your characters don't like it, you or your characters should say something like "what the fuck" or move to stop him. You can't stop the player from saying "this is what my character does". You can't negate his existence. It was weird and creepy, and you react to it in-character.

>"The princess has been kidnapped by a knight that was trusted by the royal family. Scouts report that he was last seen headed toward an abandoned army outpost to the north."
>NPC: The old outpost? Yeah, follow the trail north, then go left when it forks.
>Player 1: What? The trail forks? Which way do we go?
>Player 2: I dunno! Let's keep going foward and see what happens!
>DM: ...

Later...
>DM: As you head back toward the south, a man in full plate armor and a young woman wearing peasant clothes apprach you from the opposite direction. When the woman speaks to you, you notice that dispite her clothing, she speaks with a VERY CULTURED ACCENT. The man in armor is HOSTILE and THREATENS YOU when you attempt to make any kind of conversation with you.
>Player 1: Okay, have fun, buy guys!
>Player 2: Boy, those two sure were weird!
>Player 1: Tell me about it!

Five minutes later...

>Player 1: OH SHIT THAT WAS THEM
>DM: (see image)

>>14279422
>Because the richest women of the town payed good money to force me after a performance to have sex with me.

These women paid you to... have sex with yourself? I imagine a doppelganger spell was involved somewhere.

I'm not the GM, but I can't help but share some of the incredibly stupid shit I pulled off. First, let me say that we are playing a setting which is pretty much a post-apocalyptic monster hunter, and we're using the GURPS setting.

The character I made was pretty much a viking who used a sword and shield, but he was also a doctor. He was like a mixture of Ryoma Nagare and Dr. McNinja with a touch of Kamina (at least this is what I was going for).

First Session:
>Party is in subway
>A large creature that is a mix between a boar and a lion appears and charges at us
>"I charge at it"
>Fail roll
>Get gored by one of the tusks and tossed to the side
>Immediately begin patching self up while rest of party slays it

Another moment:
>Facing a massive creature that is basically pyramid head. He wields a giant tank barrel that he uses as both a club and a blowpipe.
>Discover he is blind
>Stand in front of him and wave my arms
>Get knocked all the way across the military complex we were in, and into a wall

Another:
>Search market for prosthetic limbs because some party members got fucked up in missions.
>Find cute girl selling prosthetic limbs
>Use sex appeal to try and get a discount
>"Nice limbs you got there... the prosthetics, I mean."
>Turns out she is batshit insane, and lopped off her own limbs to use prosthetics.

Later on:
>PLOT happens, end up getting drunk in a bar
>Wander town in a drunken stupor
>Said crazy girl wanders up to me.
>Invites me to go out with her on a wild party
>Roll to find out if this is legit. Fail.
>Go out with her
>Wake up with a highly graphic tattoo that covered entire leg, and a mysterious woman's name on penis

AND THE LATEST ONE:

>Go up against super sentai knock-offs
>They have guns trained on me
>I have party members with guns hidden
>"TIME TO USE MY MIND POWERS" I shout, trying to copy what happened in a Dr. McNinja comic.
>One fires the bazooka at me.

I haven't died yet.

>Go up against super sentai knock-offs
>They have guns trained on me
>I have party members with guns hidden
>"TIME TO USE MY MIND POWERS" I shout, trying to copy what happened in a Dr. McNinja comic.
>One fires the bazooka at me.
THE GRACE OF FUCKING GOD, ALLY. THE GRACE OF FUCKING GOD.

So I'm playing a Paladin and I'm traveling with a rogue and a barbarian.
> Go into catacombs to deal with an unruly necromancer.
> Kill animated corpses and skeletons.
> I stop my party members from looting the tombs because I'm Lawful Good.
> The Rogue starts questioning the validity of my actions and calls me a self-righteous dick.
> For the entire session my party grills me on the basic tenants of my characters duty.
> The rogue comes to the conclusion that stopping an ally from BREAKING THE LAW is somehow both UNLAWFUL AND EVILLLL.
> DM decides that I am no longer LG and makes me an Ex-Paladin.

mfw

>>14283032
I can only assume you are trolling.
If not, and this is a big IF here, my heart goes out to you.
It's fine that they disagree and refuse to do as your character says. It is very wrong for the DM to step in and pull a 'lolufall' like that.

>>14283058
Yeah my usual DM is a great guy, but whenever we play anything he really fucks with me. I left for a couple sessions after that because I was pissed, he later apologized for the whole deal. We talked it out and we devised a truly amazing way to get some payback. I came back into the game as a fallen paladin, took some levels in cleric and betrayed my party and through some PLOT became the BBEG that royally fucked things up. It's now assumed that in that setting, my character ruled as a Lich for centuries using the dead bodies of the heroes that tried to defeat me to destroy everything.

Sometimes you gotta go through some real bullshit to have some incredible results.

Dark Heresy

>Party is only 2nd rank, lighter just crashed into a city filled with traitors.
>Wait for extraction?
>Party says fuck that, digs a heavy stubber out of the refuse and sets up a killzone.
>10 rounds and the corpses of 13 cultists and 10 traitor guard later party decides shit got real and needs to "Relocate"
>Party stumbles their way to the Imperial guard baracks.
>Magos and mutant body guards trying to break in.
>They shoot the Magos, Magos tries to lightning them back
>Magos gets a perils. Rolls a 99 on perils, becomes a daemonhost
>Me: Guys I suggest fleeing, if you want to live. Reality is splitting and this thing is a boss.
>Party: FUCK THAT. It's a heretic. *Sunglasses*
>Psyker shoots it with an accurate blast of laspistol doing a few wounds
>Guardsman player fires burst shot with his lasgun
>Rolls a 04
>Gets three hits
>Max damage rolls and just keeps tearing that thing apart
>Kills Daemonhost
>mfw

>>14283136
>>14283136
Your party is awesome and they should feel awesome

>>14283160
I promised the Inquisitor would give them 'compensation' for slaying a daemon. It was just something that happend. I expected them to die and they shut me right the fuck up. The guardsman now has a god complex.

>>14283187
>Guardsman thinks he is a god

Executed for heresy.

>start of campain
>find a magical items shop
>do a magic trick by making fire dance in his hands
>rolls a 1
>fire gets bigger and bigger eventually exploding the shop
>shop keeper calls guards
>in jail
>feelsbadman.jpg

This was mine, unfortunately.

>Evil cleric, masquerading as good in a lawful good town of lawful goodness.
>Sneak around doing evil god deeds.
>Adventures ensue, reduced to 0 HP, dragged back to town church.
>Get healed for a few HP, I decide I'm not healed enough
>CALL ON POWER OF EVIL GOD TO HEAL HIS CREATURE
>Beaten down and publicly executed.

Brand new game of oWoD, party of vampires + 1 mage. Relatively new players, we had the mage, who knew his shit in and out. We had his protegé ravnos who was stealth+shotgun. Had the cammie ventrue face who pretty much only fed on Loli's (he pitched the idea as teen girls, pitching hot almost of age girls... apparently his definition of almost of age was vastly different... ), and the malkavian pc's ghoul (she tried dementating the mage for luls. His retaliation was... hot.).

So intro storyline, they are buying guns as I left them high and dry on equip, to leave plothooks and see what grabbed. So the cammie ventrue meets some people he recognizes as sabbat ghouls, but his status and age means they dont fuck with him. Instead they ask politely if he sees a girl fitting X description to call them. Oddly, his own superiors wanted a similar girl. Didn't think anything of this hook myself.

Later they find said girl (oracle-based setite pacifist, basically isis's incarnation npc). The ventrue doesn't call the number, he uses his contacts to trace it. Finds out it goes to a cafe in St Paul, confirming it is also a front for sabbat nastiness from his camarilla compatriots, as they knew full well it was chock full of scum.

(cont)

(cont)

Rolling a critical success IRL, the ventrue leads the entire party into the cafe. The only two party members who really knew the shit they were getting into were half-listening reading how bad ass the mage system was, and drooling on their book. They look up as I describe how a short haired bruiser type woman comes up, with the tzcimize tattoo all down her arm, as they are seated in the dead middle of the crowded cafe.

The cafe was guarded outside, an outside with guards who recognized the venture, who knew everyone because he was so famous himself, his whole spiel, so they led him into the center table like a lamb to the slaughter....

The tzcimize asks "So what are you having?" as if to keep up the ploy. "Nothing thanks, we only drink blood. Except the wizard there." Pointing him out kindly.

The mage's eyes showed me, his pants were laden with bricks.

Same oWod Game

When the malkavian died, he rerolled eventually into a mage. For those who don't know, mage magic tends to blow up worse and is easier to blow up when people who are 'unawakened' are watching. We had deemed vampires to be unawakened by default, as they believe reality as it stands.

So, while one guy is socializing a nest of baddies, he gets bored and approaches the main gate. Decides to order his nanobites to utterly break reality, to replicate a laser beam from his elbow to shoot the guy in the neck through his gun, with the guard staring him in the face.

Prior to this, he had told the 2 vampires and 1 human hunter in the group stationed a block away, to watch his back.

(And to those who know MtA - he already had 12 paradox)

He wondered why he died from that backlash.

But "Watch my back" became an inside joke with that party...

I got a good one. DnD 3.5, playing Burning Plague to start off the campaign. Party consists of a mostly Good aligned guys and 1 CN, classes being Cleric, Fighter, Rogue (Me), and Necromancer. Guess who's the CN.

>Party learns plague seems to be coming from the water, who's spring is in the mines.
>DM mentions that he isn't allowing the 'search' of a whole room with a single check, instead doing areas.
>Get to first room, body under minecart, obviously infected with plague and obvious trap.
>Decide to check the entrance of the room and the door to the north, telling people to not touch anything.
>Necro convinces cleric to pull body out.
>Everyone goes deaf as a large Thunderstone goes off.
>Acts as alarm, causing kobolds to fire from the dark places we can see after a few moments.
>Necro doesn't hear or see bolt flying, ignores fighter trying to get his attention to look north where kobolds are attacking from.
>Instead, he starts looting the silver chunks on ground.
>Game dies, never invite player back.

Wasn't there for this one, but apparently a player in a group I recently quit thought the party really should stop and explain themselves. He was the one legit person on their ship with no criminal record, the rest were about to be caught.

So he las-welded himself in the engine room, being the engineer, saying he was stopping the jump engine so they couldn't flee the law. They began welding in. So his best choice was to use what plastex-b he had on him, to detonate the core of the reactor. Yes the core. With him still in the engine room.

So he detonates it as they cut through. Blows up the back half of the ship and takes 3/4 the party with him.

The broken law? They hadn't paid for their rooms rent on the station, and the station was calling them back to fix the situation.

(This is also the watch my back guy)

Watch my Back Guy again:

Wasteland survival fallout esque game with magic. He makes an overweight mage, good with spells and guns. Their bigrig survivor mad max semi thing is stopped by bandits. One kicks open their door, they blast him to kingdom come.

They decide where one is, theres more. So he says...

"Okay, I run out there, I cast missle shield, and then I take aim at the first one."

"You what?" (To confirm)

"I open the door if it shut again, check my gun to ensure the safety is off, run outside, and cast missle shield on myself. Then if I have time that action, I take aim at the first guy I see."

So all the bandits with readied actions on the door light him up. It isn't until his final death check is being rolled he realizes these aren't magic bullets. His ordering was a tad off....

>party attempts to enter a town with a "no weapons allowed" policy
>gates are guarded
>bluff my way past a guard, claiming that a dagger is really more of a tool than a weapon
>fighter finds a point on the city wall with no visible guards and heaves her axe over, strolls through the gate and goes to look for it
>bard conceals his longsword as best he can, bluffs and careful bribes later, walks, in
>cleric of kord, walks up to the gate with his fullblade strapped to his back
>tells guard loudly "i am a cleric of kord, i demand to be let through."
>guards politely decline, but tell him he's welcome to leave his fullblade and enter the town
>cleric makes a scene, lots of people waiting to get in, more guards come over
>cleric then attempts to bribe the guard, loudy in full veiw of multiple guards and onlookers
>guard takes the money but still does not let him in cleric demands to see his manager
>captain of the watch shows up, cleric:" this guard has accepted my bribe but still won't let me in! i demand you check his pockets."

>>14283931
That's just so... silly!

>>14283855

Vampires and other supernaturals are 'Awakened' by default.

The unawakened are generic bystanders who do not believe in the supernatural.
Vampires do, by default, unless they do not know they are vampires.
They also quite obviously cannot believe that the mage is a mage.

>The players are at a farm on the outskirts of town when goblins attack.
>Goblins have fire-spitting beetles as well
>Beetles are burning shacks and PCs
>Minotaur Assassin decides to pick up a nearby pig to use as improvised weapon
>Smacks the hell out of some goblins with terrified pig
>Fire beetle belches fire all over him
>"The pig you are holding is now both extremely delicious-smelling and extremely hot. If you continue to hold onto it you will take fire damage from the burning fat."
>Minotaur Assassin continues to run around with the sizzling pig carcass for the rest of the encounter

>>14282891
As near as I can tell you are doing nothing retarded, good sir. Only awesome things. Keep up the good work!

I played a paladin in a recent game, I didn't want to get in the way of looting that much so I agreed that the rogue could roll bluff to distract me with stories while the fighter and sorcerer went through the loot.
There was one point where the fighter picked up the charred remains of a kobold and decided to strap it to his sheild. Even the rogue wouldn't try and bluff for that and I approached him on it as soon as I saw it. He rolled bluff. 20 vs 1
I believed up until he lost the shield that the kobold was a lifelike replica of the dead kobold we killed "To honor him." He's got awful luck in combat but he always rolls high in skill.

>>14284187

Why would an LG paladin be opposed to taking items from now-dead foes?

Those items are clearly going to help further the party's cause of likely Happy Goodness.

Played my first game of Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay last night. Notable moments of stupidity...

>>We slay a group of wild boars, and notice that one of them had a gold necklace around its neck
>>I observe it, and pick out runes on it - some sort of magic which I can't identify
>>I give it back to the High Elf who picked it up, and tell him he should put it away for safekeeping until we can find someone who knows more about these things.
>>He puts it on.
>>...
>>Can't get it off, and we later find an old man wearing one who turns into a mindless, raging giant when angered.

>>Unarmed goblin runs into the middle of the party.
>>Before anyone else says anything, the Dwarf decides to smash his head with his flail.
>>...
>>Letters fly everywhere. Watchmen come over and mourn "Poor Cedric!"
>>He just killed a postman.

And finally...

>>Pick up sealed bag, feels like coins in it.
>>Pass it to our emo mage.
>>Group of three men come over and leader says to give it back, as he dropped it.
>>Ask the leader how many gold coins were in the bag.
>>He said they were actually silver, and there were fifty of them.
>>Get the bag back and check - there's 50 silver, alright. He couldn't have known without being the owner.
>>About to pass it back to him.
>>Emomage decides to cast spell which does nothing but freeze surrounding water (which is only my water bladder).
>>...
>>"He cast a spell at us, get him!"

Really, the dwarf is a drunken, idiotic thug, one of the high elves runs off his mouth and gets us into trouble, and the other one is a goddamn GRIMDARK emo. The only guy I don't have any issues with is our Forest Elf.

>character creation, That Guy rolls and gets massive strenght and accuracy
>later, the group is attacked by a large ork horde
>That Guy climbs to a three nearby
>starts throwing the orks with apples
>thanks to his insane stats, a single apple instantly kills an ork
>beats the ork horde by throwing them with apples
>mon visage quad

>>14284561
>>14284561
Wow, you guys raped the warhammer setting five ways from Sunday. Next time you see your DM, punch him in the dick for me.

>>14284703
name 6 things they did wrong

right now

go

>>14284726
A goblin postman.

A High Elf player character.

A High Elf running around a forest killing boars in the Old World.

A goblin post man.

Ice Magic is a female exclusive Kislevite school of magic. I don't know what other school that can freeze things so freely.

A goblin. fucking. post man.

>>14284561

>A Goblin postman
>In WFRP

>>14284752
Can't forget a dwarf and a high elf in the same party. Or the gold necklace thing on a boar. Or the one about putting it on. Or the fact that the mage didn't check it with mage sight.

Or you could basically just greentext everything that was greentexted and those are the things raping the lore.

I'm assuming the group's playing the 3rd edition which just leaves me with the question: Why the fuck?

my character was a monk, the other PC was a fighter. through diplomacy, bluffing and lying, we had convinced a rat-man to lead us to his people's nest so we could get rid of 'em. so there we went through the dark tunnels, following our new "rat friend".

in this session everything we players said was immediately spoken by the characters. the fighter's player, overjoyed by our success in fooling the ratman, casually said:

"yes, yes, lead us so we can kill all the ratmen!"

our guide halted and slowly turned himself to stare at the fighter. noticing too late his own dumbness, the fighter's player quickly amended:

".... I thought"

>>14276740

If anything, assumeing they were supposed to stop this legion, I would've trashed their baggage train to hell and back.

WFRP. Players have to save a small town from a band of Ogre man eaters. Party made of a shield breaker, a rat cacther and a peasant they sneak in, as the ogre on watch is too busy praising the great maw by eating a pig. Whole. Rat catcher brings his small dog with the party. ....

>>14282040
>Rape chimera cause I just don't give a fuck.
>Rest of the party doesn't say anything cause they're all beta
MFW

Here's the rundown. Pathfinder, Level 10 party, fairly experienced players, all awesome bros. The quest is to genocide a boggard village. 53 underleveled boggards and an unknown quantity of animal allies. The party consists of a bard, a cavalier, a sorcerer, an arcane trickster, and a fighter.

We breeze through about half the boggards, taking a total of maybe 20 damage spread through the entire party, using minimal resources. Inevitably, we make it through to the boss of the encounter, a high level boggard cleric. We fail to do much in the surprise round, and he floods the room with water with magic. The cavalier has freedom of movement, so it ain't even a thang. The bard has a famously terrible record at swim checks, and decides to hide inside her own bag of holding because the air inside will hold out longer.

>Bard forgets she is carrying a portable hole.

>player attempts knowledge check to remember.

>fails.

>Bard, Fighter, Arcane trickster all immediately transported to the astral plane.

>Sorceror is sucked into the astral plane soon after by the current.

>cavalier fucks up basic math, dies from a death effect spell he should have lived through, corpse falls into the astral plane too.

GG.

>>14284703
>>14284726
>>14284752
>>14284775
>>14284825
Yes - our GM was a first-time GM and a first-time WFRP user, having played Dungeons & Dragons aeons ago. He was using the information in front of him as a rough guide, but was making up rules as he went along - not insane ones to help us or hinder us specifically, but ones which he thought would make sense.

So, yes, he raped WHRP. But we've still got an interesting roleplay out of it.

>Players surround warehouse that has bad guys in it
>Warehouse is stated to have heavy walls and reinforced windows
>Player with underbarrel grenade launcher - not a RPG, just a standard underbarrel grenade launcher which in-system we -know- doesn't fire with THAT much force - declares he is going to shoot a grenade through the window
>GM reminds him that the windows are heavily reinforced
>Player does it anyway
>Grenade fails to make the check to go through the barrier, bounces off the window, and the scatter roll puts it at party feet
>Party, taking moderate to serious wounds, decide to abandon mission.

>>14286476
*THUNK*

*BOOM*

"Dmitri? What was that?"

"Don't worry about it, Nikolai, probably just a bunch of idiot mercs."

>>14283832
> the malkavian pc's ghoul (she tried dementating the mage for luls. His retaliation was... hot.).

... Go on.

Oh god, I have a thousand of these with my group.

>Changeling warlock
>Disguised as human female
>In shady part of town
>Pimp comes up and 'asks' her to work for him
>She tells him to fuck off
>He starts beating her with his pimp cane
>She burns him to death
>Hides the body in an alley
>Guards come rushing up
>Shapeshifts into a DRAGONBORN
>"Do you know anything about this burning body?"
>'I don't breathe fire, officers'
>killed by guards

--

>same player (different campaign) gets hit with an ice curse
>botches save
>"Okay, the upper half of your body turns completely to ice, and you're stunned"
>The warlord then goes: I bullrush him
>"What?"
>I bullrush him to the ground
>"...Okay."

One bullrush later

>...Roll up a new character
>"Why?"
>You just shattered

>>14287456

Dragonborn can breathe ice, poison, lightning, and acid too, y'know. Not just fire.

>>14287456

Also

>Same player (Again) playing a gnome bard
>Mentions she's a thief to the parties eladrin wizard
>Said eladrin wizard was a magister
>Who had been robbed by gnomes before joining the party
>Who had told everyone this

...

On the plus side, after that campaign ended, my magister became the saviour of the world.

>>14287489

Lightning still fries, and run of the mill human guards aren't likely to know that.

Plus y'know, the whole standing next to the burning body thing.

>>14282891
Haha good times. Now Steve's retconned TPK...

>Running DH, Edge of Darkness.
>Players are Feral guardsman and Arbitrator (we'll call him judge derp)
>First port of call after arriving is the hostel
>immidiately question owner
>upon hear the owner doesn't know attempt to beat it out of him
>one half hearted chase and broken door later they get to the interrogation
>hostel owner seriously doesn't know
>Judge Derp: "oh, ok then... So can we have a room?"
Cont

>>14288358
>>14288358
>next session
>new player arrives, void born psyker
>they decide to go to the narco-ganger bar
>one fight later they're made it to the counter
>I decide this is a good place to introduce the psyker
>Judge Derp decide a good way of finding the psyker will be to stand on the bar and shout for him
>a few 'are you sure's and direct player intervention later he's sat down and the group is whole
>after finding out that 'going out in the dark is a bad idea' they leave
>narco-ganger is following them... badly (Stupid dice)
>Judge Derp strike into action! he swiftly dies thanks to the feral guardsman slicing him in twain with his axe, the psyker ran for it a while go, the guardsman now follow
>Judge Derp sticks around to gloat or something, then notices the local lawmen arriving and so flees
>Isn't getting away
>turns around in an alley way with a vox unit out and bluffs for them to stop cause he's got snipers
>amazingly they stop for a moment
>he follows this up with 'i'm with the inquisition' despite being told explicitly not to one session before
cont

>>14288369
>>14288369
>they all meet up again at the hostel, the psyker and Judge Derp then get into a fight about whether they should take watch or not (guss which side JD was on)
>Eventually Judge Derp takes first watch, waits for the Psyker to fall asleep and then tries to tie him up
>Psyker wakes up and decides 'fuck this shit' and psykers him (been a while, i forget what exactly)
>Judge derp leaves in a huff, (the character not the player) into the dark... alone... which he'd been told not to at the bar
>shortly afterwards the group at the hostel is attacked by the narco-gangers lined up
>Then Judge derp runs into the reason he shouldn't go out at night, he actually manages to take one of the body snatchers but then flees from the rest
>Runs into gunfire, takes cover
>Shouts out for the gunman to cease firing just as he does, (not wanting to waste bullets afterall)
>Decides that it is now safe and runs out again
>Three shots hit him, he fails to dodge, his armour soaks up most of the shots but the final hit is on his head where he's completely unarmoured, has to burn fate
>Is captured by the logician's agents
>moments later the rest of the team turn up

That's really the last time we played, that's about three IRL sessions and a bit of over steamchat. Was fucking impossible to pin those guys down for a game.

>Guardsman commits suicide in the hostel
>Pysker commits unspeakable acts upon his corpse before being killed from behind by the hostel owner who they all forgot all about
>Judge Derp ends up being tortured for information before eventually turned into a body snatcher
>The Acolytes fail and Coscarla division is decimated by 'plague'

>Is 3.5 setting.
>Party is on the run from bounty hunters.
>Decide to try and evade capture by hiking through Ye Olde Enchanted Forest (tm).
>Druid conjures up forest spirits for assistance.
>Treants show up and ask whats up.
>Explain situation. Treants accept offering, allow passage under the condition we tread carefully through the undergrowth.
>Continue to evade capture. Come across a carefully preserved glade full of beautiful flora. Very holy nature vibe going on.
>Rest here for a while.
>Suddenly a spot check reveals a team of bounty hunter scouts creeping through the glade.
>Mage: FUCKING MAXIMIZED ICE STORM!
>Glade gets devistated in the fight.
>Treants show up.
>ohboyherewegoagain...

>>14289005
Same Party

>Party enters a large desert town.
>Planing an excursion into a desert pyramid in the wastes.
>Looking for a tavern to rest before heading out.
>"Tavern in Hightown? What are we made of money!?! We take the cheapest option we can find."
>Find a shitty little rat-trap drug den called the "Bucket of Blood".
>"Lets stay there!"
>Get approached by drug pusher.
>"I got what you need strangers"
>Party becomes enchanted by the variety of drugs that increase stats!
>Buy a buttload of drugs.
>Begin taking them every morning.
>Few days later and they are in the desert, out of dope and suffering from terrible withdrawal...
>Drugs are bad, mmkay

Heavy Gear Game

>> Party are SIU retaking a Southern Landship, along with some PaxSec NPCs are redshirts
>> Terrorists holding the landship threaten to launch missiles at one of the PaxSec guy's home towns.
>> Naturally, he wigs out and threatens the party with his rifle, saying he wants to give in to his demand.
>> First mistake. Misreading the situation as a Mexican standoff, and not wanting to have a Tarantino ending where both PC's and NPC's turn on each other and massacre each other. Instead of drilling him immediately, I try to talk him down. Fails..
>> Second Mistake. Another PC shoulders his rifle, and starts walking slowly towards the guy pointing a battle rifle at his face, with a knuckle duster.
>> Declares to GM. I'll stop right before I think he's going to shoot.
>> Roll's notice. roll's low but doesn't botch. Keeps walking forwward.
>> DM rolls for NPC's shooting attack on the PC. BOOM, HEADSHOT. Only the helmet keeps the party from being coated in brains.
>> "But I said I stop right before he shoots,"
>> "Well yeah, you think he might shoot you after your next step... right before he shoots you."
>> NPC riddled with bullets with prejudice once it becomes clear that even his own people are aiming thei guns at him.