poop in his head

because i won't get to do that too often

>>13366122
Your personality is only an hour old and already you can tell you're not going to be a very nice person.

What next?

>>13366132
Find an exit.

test the reaches of my intelligence. attempt to read, do mathematics, etc.

>>13366138
You look around the table. It is a flat, wooden surface. The only things on the table are you and the wizard's head. You can see that the room you are in has only one exit, a closed door. You can't quite tell from all the way over here, but you could probably slip under the door.

>>13366144
You were never taught how to read or do math. You only understand the two concepts in the vaguest sense.

>>13366198
ok, so then slip under the door after taking one last good glance around the room

>>13366214
You run off the table and land on the ground. Hard.

Roll 1d6 for total HP, then roll 1d3 for damage.

rolled 5 = 5

>>13366225
rollan

rolled 2 = 2

>>13366236
ballsack.
rolling for damage

rolled 2 = 2

>>13366225
rollan for damage.

>>13366236
>>13366240
You hit the ground hard and are momentarily stunned.

(you now have 3 HP)

After a moment, you recover and run across the room to squeeze under the door.

You find yourself in a dirty room. A ladder leads up to a trapdoor in the ceiling. A door leads into the room you were just in. There are 3 cloth sacks on the ground, but you cannot see what is in them.

>>13366343
climb into the cloth sacks to get a better look

>>13366467
The sack is full of potatoes.

>>13366516
are they magic potatoes?

rolled 2 = 2

>>13366516
Try to swallow one whole, need to restore helth

>>13366651
I... What? The potato is bigger than you are!

Roll 1d100 for it, if you really want to try.

>>13366614
You don't know if they're magic or not.

maybe we should look around first

rolled 26 = 26

>>13366698
MAGIC POTATOES HERE WE COME

and not eat things bigger than us

>>13366769
>>13366738
magic, aint gotta explain shit

>>13366747
You attach your face to the side of a potato. You bite down and manage to get your teeth stuck.

You are now stuck to a potato. Nice going.

>>13366795

thrash around a bit, try to get all my feet on the ground

rolled 21 = 21

Use Zerg defiler skill consume on the potato

>>13366795
Firrst lol of the year out of me. Good job.

We don't their if they are magic potatoes and until we find out if they are we should leave them alone

rolled 85 = 85

>>13366795
awesome

rolling to bite off more than we can chew

and then chew it

>>13366811
You manage to pull yourself onto your back.

You are now lying on your back with a potato on your head.

Breathe fire and roast the potato.

We can do that, right?

>>13366821
we are courage lizard

kick the potoato off

(what sort of lizard are we like a little gecko or...)

>>13366821
>>13366821
GREAT SUCCESS

You bite off a large chunk of the potato and chew it, even though you're a lizard and don't normally chew things. You swallow it and feel yourself grow.

You are now the size of a large house cat. I guess the potato was magic after all.

wait for a spiderbro to come along and help us

>>13366856
eat as many as we can fit into our ever-growing gullet

>>13366868
inb4 inflation fetishists

rolled 20 = 20

>>13366856
Eat moar potato, become lizardfolk

>>13366857
Several minutes and several potatoes later, you now fill the small room. You have just barely enough room to turn around. You cannot fit through the door or the trapdoor. What now?

rolled 25 = 25

>>13366856
eat the rest off the potato

>>13366879
bust a hole in the wall

rolled 8 = 8

>>13366879
continue eating until the room crumbles around us

>>13366879
EAT MORE POTATO! PUNY HUMAN HOUSE CANNOT HOLD ME!

>>13366873
shh... you'll summon them

rolled 58 = 58

Cool-aid man the wall

>>13366891
>>13366893
>>13366894
Hivemind?

You eat several more potatoes and feel the walls pressing on you.

Roll 3d100

1st roll: breaking free
2nd roll: new HP gained from growth
3rd roll damage from squeezing yourself into a tiny space

rolled 38 = 38

>>13366879
>>13366901
seconding the cool-aid man idea

rolled 58 = 58

>>13366903

rolled 37, 88, 51 = 176

>>13366903
here's hoping for the best

rolled 100, 52, 57 = 209

>>13366903
okay

rolled 81 = 81

>>13366903

rolled 16, 41, 82 = 139

OH-YEAH

rolled 89, 76, 38 = 203

>>13366931
shit, your rolls will kill us

Are we free yet? How many potatoes must we eat before we sprout wings and can breath fire?

>>13366943
speaking of which, let's eat our dead wizard friend

maybe we can absorb some of his delicious knowledge or something

>>13366929
You burst from the ground in a huge explosion of dirt. Now above ground, you look around. As you move your neck to glance around you, you realize that you were injured by the tight confines of the dirt room. You now have 40 HP and are the size of a small house. You haven't collapsed under your own weight because FANTASY PHYSICS.
You are big and strong and fast.
What do?

rolled 15, 64, 56 = 135

Once free, eat wizard and spellbook

>>13366966
Look around. What does the surrounding countryside look like?

>>13366966

terrorize the nearest village

>>13366966
EAT THE WIZARD!

Also, check to see if we can breath fire or anything cool like that.

rolled 3, 61, 14 = 78

>>13366966
eat the wizard and the rubble of the house

>>13366966
>>13366973
seconding

>>13366966
What do we see?
Also, what type of lizard are we if I might ask?

>>13366973
No, don't eat the spell book! There might be somthing useful in it.

rolled 25 = 25

investigate any new talents i might have and eat the wizard

>>13366977
This is a bad idea. We are a large, but otherwise regular lizard. Not even a dragon. Adventurers will make us into a very large floormat.

examine the remains of the house for anything that could grant more knowledge or understanding

>>13366973
>>13366976
You stand in a small (relative to yourself) depression in the ground. You can't find the sack of potatoes (or the other two sacks, whose contents are still a mystery) or the room with the wizard and the table.

Around you, you can see a forest in one direction, and what looks like a town in the distance in the other direction.

rolled 74, 30, 10 = 114

>>13366995
And we will absorb and digest it's secrets

>>13366991
You are a Lesser Nonspecific Lizard.

>>13367008
Head into the forest. We need to hide for the time being. Possible search for a means of communcation. Maybe try to make some friends.

Elves like animals, right? Lets play it like we're some sort of benelovent yet extremely large lizard. Until we can eat everyone.

>>13367008
forest

we're not ready to terrorize a town yet

let's start by eating some fairies and bears

>>13367025

And yes. We will eat everyone. EVERYONE.

rolled 95 = 95

>>13367008
Can we speak? If so go towards town seek work

>>13367008
Go to the forest, find a cave or something to make a lair.
Ultimate Quest: Ascend beyond lizardness to full on dragonhood through any means necessary. Yay or nay?

>>13367008
Farming town?

In that case, I think we should be lurking around in the forest and establish a den there, popping out every 10 or so nights to snatch up some livestock and take them back to our den.

Otherwise, jsut lurk in the forest and establish a den there.

>>13367025
You try to walk in between the trees and manage for a while, because you are very dextrous and flexible. After a few minutes, however, you realize that it would be far easier to just push trees out of your way.
If you are trying to make friends, it might be counterproductive to damage the forest, but it will make the going much easier.
Do you choose to continue to slink through the forest, or bash your way through it?

>>13367045
Slink. Pointless destruction is just that at this point. Pointless.

Until we can eat everyone.

>>13367045
Flick tongue out, flick tongue in.

Anything nearby?

rolled 73 = 73

>>13367008
head into the forest and kill wild boars for two weeks

>>13367045
Slink. We don't know what the local adventurers are like yet, don't want them to know us and think we're some tasty XP source to slay.

>>13367055
This is not world of warcraft.

rolled 60 = 60

Slink

>>13367040
agreed, though we need to maintain as much secrecy as possible from the humans for now

a mad enough town militia could wreck our shit at this point

>>13367062
But boars are so tasty......

>>13367051
>>13367053
As you slink between the trees, you taste the air and realize that there is a fire burning some distance away. The smell/taste isn't nearly strong enough for a forest fire, so it is probably a campsite.
Do you head toward it or continue wandering aimlessly?

>>13367045
slink

>>13367072
Proceed carefully toward the fire. Try to stay hidden in the treeline, if its large enough. Poke our head out and see what the fucks up.

>>13367072
towards the fire

>>13367072
Are we slinky enough to sneak up on the campsite and observe, unobserved?

rolled 71 = 71

We have aquired an insatiable hunger for potatos in new and wonderful forms, roll to sense potato

>>13367072
Away, a den must be established first before we risk interacting with anybody. Unless we think the camp is abandoned, in which case supplies/tasty leftovers.
Oh, what do we eat? Omnivore, carnivorous, what?

>>13367045
Since it may become our forest soon, let's try not to make it look messy.

>>13367077
You move slowly, careful not to damage the forest more than necessary, and it is nightfall before you reach the fire. Do you continue moving through the night?

Are you a lizard?

>>13367072
we're not exactly stealthy so part of me wants to avoid confrontation at this point

the other part of me thinks we're an ever-hungering lizard who is the size of a house

head in the direction of the campsite

>but Plicono
we'll take care of Plicono when we come across him

>>13367045
>>13367045
Slink. It might be slower, but we're not stupid. We still have no real fighting ability.
What are our arms? weapons?
Do we breathe fire (DON'T TEST IT NOW). Do we have rows of sharp teeth?
also, wot da zog has happened to our tail? We know now it's a beacon, but has it had any changes?
It would be a horrible thing to stumble upon primitives and be ripped to shreds

>>13367092
When you were small, you lived mostly on insects. Now, however, you could probably eat whatever the hell you wanted, and not be the worse for it.

>>13367101
We must climb up a sturdy looking tree, find a sturdy looking branch and sleep on it.

Failing that, we must dig a den with our massive claws.

>>13367101
head into the night

>>13367120
Ok. If there are tasties in the camp, eat away. If they have a pulse, I'd say just observe.

>>13367121
>>13367120
investigate the campfire and if nothing comes of it then dig a den

>>13367119
That is an excellent question. You realize that you can't actually feel your tail anymore, or move it. Looking around, you see that it is clearly there, and it is twitching and moving around without you moving it intentionally.
>>13367121
You're the size of a house. No tree in this forest can hold you.

>>13367125
>>13367125
Second. Lizards have great nightvision.
Climb a big tree, sturdy, and try to look around.
Do we have webbed feet / gecko feet?
PLEASE MAKE US A GIANT FIRE-BREATHING GECKO!

Also, I'm going to say this now for future reference: outside of combat, sleeping and eating situations, the tongue will always be flicking in and out. Always paying attention to our surroundings

>>13367142
You can't breathe fire and your feet are claws.

>>13367121
We're the size of a house. Climbing up a tree would be... inadvisable.
>>13367101
Aren't lizards mostly nocturnal, anyway? Keep going. Also, take stock while moving. Check on... beaconness of tail. Anything interesting that can be gleaned from contemplating it?

>>13367147
I will try to remember that. However, as I am a mere human and not a magnificent lizard, I may slip up. If I do, shut up and pretend I didn't.

>>13367147
Agreed
>>13367140
Twitching...why? Do we have any sense of danger, or does it just do that?

>>13367140
Can we communcate otherwise with our tail? Maybe talk to it? It has to have some powers. I bet it killed that fucking wizard.

Still, check out the camp. If we see something, we can feign injury. Adventurers like playing hero and probably will try to help us. If not, chow time.

>>13367165
>If we see something, we can feign injury. Adventurers like playing hero and probably will try to help us.

They also like easy kills. I would advise against this strategy.

>>13367157
TO THE CAMP

TONIGHT WE FEAST ON FLESH

>>13367150
investigate the camp DO NOT ATTACK ANYTHING unless in dire self defense we are friendly at this point

>>13367140
It-Uh
Doesn't make any sense. Lizards and such need their tail for balance. If we're not really using it, and we still managed to slink through, it must mean we have greatly increased dexterity thanks to our new "brain"
TWO FEET, TWO FEET Anyone?
>Hope trallo
Yes captcha, let's hope we find a delicious trallo
Something we should keep in mind
Let's learn philosophy eventually. Wouldn't it be nice if we could just talk adventurers down?
particularly if they look tough?

>>13367155
You continue in the direction of the fire, conscious now of your tail's lack of feeling.
After a while, you can see light in the distance. It looks like a sizable fire, and you can just make out 3 or 4 tents around it. There are some humanoid figures moving around the fire, but they don't seem to have noticed you, as far away as you are.

>>13367184
What is this group of humanoids doing? How does our tail react?

>>13367165
Maybe. Do you try to talk to your tail?

>>13367184
Does our tail flick with more passion now? I get the idea that it will be our spidey-sense.
Get closer, within reason, and observe what their doing/who they are

>>13367199
Stand on hind legs to do so if it seems advantageous.

>>13367196
You can't quite see what they are doing, but your best guess would be that they are standing watch.
>>13367181
Your tail moves to help balance you, but you have no control over its movement.

>>13367184
quietly test if we can speak and give them a friendly greeting

>captcha speech seestrig
we must seestrig our speech

>>13367184
This presents a problem. If its a camp of mercenaries or bandits, they most likely will want a fight.

Perhaps we should look for a mountain. I bet it wouldn't be hard to get some kobolds to worship us. If kobolds exist.

>>13367211
Seconding the attempt at tail communcation. He has some powers, we don't. Technically.

>>13367197
all we've eaten are tiny potatoes

we must be starving from all that slinking and growing

approach the camp tentatively, avoiding sight for as long as possible

>>13367210
>>13367199
You slink closer but stop when one of the humanoid figures begins to move in your direction.
"Hans!" you hear it call, "I think I heard something. I'm going to go check it out, wake everyone up if I'm not back in 5 minutes!"

>>13367213
do this but only around one that is seperate from the group so if they freak out we can get away

Rush up to them, stand on our hind legs, and go, "GENTLEMEN."

There can come no ill of this action.

>>13367213
>>13367213
Have you ever seen how animals on cartoon talk and all humans hear is roaring sounds and stuff?
BAD. IDEA. plus, our physiology probably hasn'tdevelopped vocal cords capable of proper speech.
We have to take a closer look! Elfs, approach peacefully. Humans, stay in the dark. Dorfs? ATTACK. Fuck, I love dorfs, but they would keel us first!
PLUS WE HAVE HUGE CLAWS. CLEAVE AND CLAW!

>>13367226
Retreat. We do not want to be captured without having obtained any potatoes.

>>13367211
Oh shit, time to get out of here. Quietly slither away deeper into the forest.

>>13367229
>>13367213
You can indeed speak. You don't know how, but you can speak.

>>13367226
hide but stay close so we can learn from them

>>13367234
This idea will doom us, catastrophically so.

I support it for sheer BADASSERY.

Maybe we'll scare the shit out of them.

>>13367250
How do you intend to hide? You're a giant goddamn lizard.

>>13367246
zog! Everything you say is the contrary of what I propose! (mind you,not angry or anything)
LET'S TRY SOMETHING.
We're again a tiny lizard without wings, because our tail sensed danger, and it being magic, protected us!

>>13367234
do this and claim to be an ambassador so killing us would screw them over

>>13367251
We should take this course of action if, and only if, we have a huge neck frill that we can flare out.

>>13367267
YES!!!

>>13367267
You have no neck frill.
>>13367263
Nope, you're still hueg

Greet him, Tell him your story and try to become friends.

>>13367255
devour them!

>>13367267
>>13367273
pic very related

>>13367280
In that case, run away, establish lair.

>>13367280
>>13367282
seconding

if we can eat a potato that's bigger than us, we can eat tiny humanoids

>>13367282
if out of some insanity we do this avoid the initial scout eat the rest and leave them to wonder what the hell happened and stalk them across the nation devouring all their companions

>>13367281
Come on. We're a lizard. A FUCKHUEG lizard. You think they're going to befriend us and listen to our tale and take us in as a pet or companion? No. We can be civil, but seriously, humans ain't lizards.

>>13367280
say hello

>>13367280
>>13367280
Alright then...Stay where you are, hug a tree and get in a position to strike, try to avod being seen. Look for they reaction. Once (and if) he sees us, try to talk to him. Present yourself...We are "me", is all we've ever known. If the lookout tries something funny (drawing his weapon, screaming), then CHARGE. FUCKING CHARGE AND CLAW THEM FOR YOUR LIFE. Make scary noises, whatever.
pic unrelated

>>13367281
>>13367266
>>13367251
>>13367234
Alright, a lot of support for this.
You can't quite lift yourself onto your hind legs, but you slink up to the man (you can't tell what race he is, but you know he is male) and speak loudly.
"Greetings!"
He didn't see you in the dark (you blend very well into the night forest) and he leaps back with a high pitched scream that even you find amusing. He drops his sword and you see him drop to his knees trying to grab it, but he is shaking too much to get a good grip on it.
"Wh- wh- what th- what?" he whimpers.

>>13367314
"I like potatoes. Do you have any potatoes?"

We should remain still, wait for the scout to come to us, then greet it. "Hello, human. Just minding my own business. I suggest you mind yours and go back and forget you saw me. After all, who's going to believe you?"

>>13367314
>>13367314
tell him of our great hunger

ask him for food

>>13367314
"I said hello, how are you on this fine evening. "

>>13367327
Vaguely imply what will happen to those who deny us food.

>>13367314
>>13367314
"I- hadn't anything planned here. Uh, do you have potatoes?"
Be candid.

>>13367322
"P-p-p-pot-potatoes?" he squeaks, still shaking uncontrollably.

>>13367314
Establish ourselves as the superior being. We will impress him and his cohorts into our service and bring in a new age under the One True Lizard, atop our potato throne.

>>13367314
Smile (well as best as we can with a lizard-mouth) and say "I am a lizard! And who are you?"
By the way, what do our teeth look like?

>>13367314

say, I mean you no harm

>>13367327
Yes...more potatoes is good.

If he brings us potatoes we shall eat them, then ntoe that they are not as filling as when we were eating the magic potatoes that made us so huge.

>>13367339
Your teeth are small, sharp, and many, meant for impaling small insects. Now they are large, sharp, and many, meant for impaling anything you want them to impale.

>>13367314
respond with "My god man aren't you some kind of professonial shouldn't you be prepared for travelers take me to your commanding officer so we can parlay like gentlemen" or something else along these lines

>>13367334
>>13367335
tell him he serves us now

tell him he will bring us food

lots of food

any kind of food

>>13367314
"I say, I do feel a mite peckish. You wouldn't happen to have any potatoes on you, would you?" Pause. "Oh, don't look at me like that, dear chap! To even THINK that I would eat any of you lovely fellows! No, I like potatoes. Do you have any?"

>>13367334
"Potatoes! Do you have them, warm-blooded one?"

>>13367334
"Yes, We really like them, as do all giant talking lizards"

>>13367334
"Yes. Potatoes. brown and lumpy? potatoes!"
tilt your head
"say, what are you again?"

>>13367346
From now on, we only speak in a refined, gentlemanly, british accent.

"Ah, yes my good man. Potatoes would be smashing. I don't suppose you have the magical variety, would you, good sir?"

>>13367346
>>13367346

Politely ask him where we might obtain potatoes, should he or his friends be lacking in pommes de terra.

>>13367346
We probably shouldn't smile too much around humans, then.

If he asks who we are, say we are "Mr. Geck"
Remind him we mean no harm.

>>13367350
>>13367351
>>13367342
"Yes, potatoes. As my servant, you should provide me with whatever I desire, and at this moment I desire potatoes."
He looks at you strangely for a moment, then, barely controlling his fear, stands up and mutters something about "potatoes, yes, must warn" and then begins to sprint in the direction of the camp.

>>13367375

Slink after him, and request potatoes from the rest of the yoo-mans.

>>13367375
walk slowly in to camp like we on the place expecting some potatoes

>>13367375
Hide, then wait and see if he's actually bring potatoes or if he's calling his friends.

>>13367361
>>13367357
>>13367356
>>13367352
>>13367351
>>13367350
it seems we have 3 conflicting visions of our giant lizard

a posh british lizard
an adorable giant lizard
and an all-devouring lizard

personally, I just want to nom everything

>>13367375
Oh dear, how unpleasant. We should probably stop him. GENTLY.

>>13367375
"Warn".
It wants to betray us. Approach the camp and try to intimidate the others. But be a gentlemen about it.

>>13367383
>>13367383
Guys. Check our tail. This looks bad.

>>13367383
This, and greet the rest of the camp with warm "Hello!" (not a smile, I don't think our teeth are inviting in the least.)

Try to be civil. If they don't accept their new role as our servants, we get hungry. Very hungry.

>>13367381
He hears you moving behind him and he lets out another girlish scream and runs even faster. He reaches the camp a moment before you do, and grabs his concerned comrade, gibbering about lizard beasts and potatoes.

wait and maintain a friendly demeanor

>>13367400
>>13367400
DISSAPPEAR INTO THE NIGHT.
AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED
THEN WATCH

>>13367400
ok now we can't go in circle the camp and wait
it would be ungentlemanlike to impos

>>13367400
"Please, chums, I'm not here for unprovoked violence. Potatoes are my desire. Please me, and be well rewarded!"

Lets just make this up as we go. Having a bunch of humans who think we're a mighty dragon could go well.

>>13367400
Clear our throat, in a manner entirely unlike a terrifying roar. No, really, I mean it.
Then politely inquire about the possibility of acquiring potatoes. Politely.

we should of carried a potato with us. It seems like they are mistaking a Potato for something else. We really need to enlighten these folk about the goodness of potato's

>>13367410
>>13367410
By this, I mean slink into the treeline, stay VERY still (lol coldblooded)
We're naturally camouflaged, remember?

Here's something we can always remember this thread by....

>>13367407
"Wot's this rubbish then?" asks his comrade, pushing him away in disgust. "There ain't no bloody potato beasts in this forest, e'rryone knows they live up in the nor'east. Now come 'ere and show me wot's the big fuss, eh?"
He begins to walk toward you, dragging the terrified guard with him.
He sees you and stops. He stares at you for several long moments, mouth opening and closing like a fish.

>>13367400
"Good day fine chaps, do any of you have any potatoes or know where I might get some?"

>>13367400

KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON.

Slowly approach the camp, and continue to politely ask about potatoes.

Should the humans attack we could always nom them.

>>13367431
This.
And watch for the sword

>>13367430
my god man po-ta-to is that so hard to comprehend or do you send the insane as scouts

>>13367430
>>13367431
good, he found another servant for us

tell them to fetch us potatoes or we'll have to find new servants

>>13367444
"Err... You wanna.... Potato?" he finally says, looking more confused than scared.
"Yeh, we gots some back here in the pot. Err... You wannit mash or whole?"

>>13367430
"Alright then. Could you just point me in the north east direction, and we can all pretend this never happened?"

>>13367430
"Ah! Perhaps YOU can aide me in my search for some fine potatos? Im sure you must have some in this camp of...What are you?"
Also, do we notice anything else about the camp now that we're closer? Military, hunters, bandits?

>>13367430
I say my good man I mean you no harm whatsoever, however i do respectfully request you provide me with some potatoes.

>>13367453
BRING US THE POT

Let me just stop and say these are the kind of quests I love. Things without established universes, where we don't play some mary sue. And don't be afraid to kill us. I love bad ends.

>>13367453
Whole my good man!

>>13367453
Whole. They remind me of that magic potato that made me grow to this size......(relate story of wizard's house upon further inquiry)

>>13367459
You don't know enough about humanoids to determine what type of camp it is, but you can see 4 tents. There is a large covered cart off between two of the tents, but you cannot make out its contents.

>>13367453

Accept the good man's gracious offer of whole potatoes. Make friendly banter. Ask them what they and their merry company are doing in the woods.

>>13367477
Id venture traders then. Perhaps wealthy in potatoes?

>>13367453

Ask him whether it would be too much to try both. You've never had them mashed, you know.

Also, tell him you're willing to work for potatoes.

>>13367468
You politely ask that he bring you the entire pot, as one or two potatoes would be quite insufficient. "And leave the potatoes whole, if you will.
>>13367469
I'm glad you're enjoying it. It's going an entirely different direction from what I had in mind, but I like it.

>>13367477
thank him for the potatoes and ask if there is anything you can do in return as thanks

>>13367504
claim that we will do something to make up for the pot since we are not a common vagrant and have a public image to uphold

>>13367504
He walks back to the fire, wraps his hands in cloths lying on the ground, and, grunting with the effort, grabs the large iron pot and drags it over to where you are.
"Watch out, eh? Bloody thing's fierce hot. An' I'd beware the hot water, you wan' me ter dump it out for ye?"

>>13367504
If they seem like a reasonable sort, the kind who won't try to kill us while we sleep for a rather large and valuable lizard pelt, we should see if they need assistance. Remember; social skills RULE!

>>13367510
This. We were animals once. We can help now.
Besides, then we'll be something like "the wishing gecko"
Give 'im potatoes, He'll grant you some wishes, or at least help out.
FAME, AHOY!

>>13367536

This.

After we eat the potatoes, ask him whether we can help him somehow.

>>13367504
This northeast you spoke of, where you said there were more potatoes....which way is it?

>>13367525

'Yes, please. But I prefer to eat alone.'

Wait until they back away. We don't want to be ambushed eating potatoes.

The first drawfaggotry is mine!

>>13367525
"yes please, I would if I could but I can't"

>>13367428
>>13367559
Noooooooo

>>13367536
>>13367529
>>13367548
You motion for him to step back, which he does, although it could have been because he thought you were about to attack him. You knock the pot over with ease, the hot metal not harming you in the slightest through your thick scaly hide. The potatoes and water spill out onto the forest floor and you quickly eat the potatoes. They are tasty, but you feel no magical effects.
Once you have finished, you nod at the man and ask if there is any way you could repay him for the meal of potatoes.
"Err... Yeh, actually. We've been havin' some problems wi' the bandits in these woods. They keep demandin' a toll, each year it's worse than the last, and we can't keep it much much longer. If ye'd scare 'em off, maybe eat them - not that I'm implyin' you're the man-eatin' sort - or somethin', that'd make like a hell of a lot easier on us. We'd consider the debt more than repaid, and we could offer you some money, or ye could look through our things if you'd like some other reward."

I dare say old chaps, while Potatoes have proven themselves to be quite the delicacy, I suggest we explore other delicacies.

>>13367582
These bandits, where are they?

>>13367582
FINALLY, FLESH

HEAD OFF INTO THAT DIRECTION

>>13367582
BANDIT HUNTING WE GO. FINALLY. MAN-FLESH.

"Pardon, chap, but would you happen to know where the bandits make camp? I dare say I'm in the mood for a SECOND COURSE!"

Make a long, annoying, british laugh.

>>13367582

Let's practice our deep, menacing voice. 'That is acceptable, human.'

Then roar. Then ask about the bandits.

>>13367597
>>13367597
These. Keep in mind, these folks probably know where we can find other wizards, or magical items, or whomever killed OUR wizard.
We have to rise to power somehow.

>>13367597
"Well, we don' actually know. But if you could wait the night and follo' us in the morn, they're sure to ambush us sometime during the day and demand the toll."

>>13367582
your offer is most reasonable I shall accept, now where are these bandits located

>>13367582

Ask them to recover the magic potatoes from the collapsed house for you as a reward.

>>13367599
>>13367603
Fleshmind?

>>13367582

"Well, I'd certainly be able to take a peek at the situation and go on from there. Where are these bandit types?"

>>13367620
let them keep the potatoes I want the other 2 sacks

>>13367582
Mmmm, I dare say an arrangement can be made.

Ask this fine gentlemen if he could provide us with a supply of potatoes in return for our services of getting rid of those ruffian bandits.

>>13367614
Very well. Consider it done.

*slither back into forest and rest for a while*

>>13367614
>>13367622
do we smell smoke anywhere else?

the bandits have to be somewhere nearby if they're meeting this camp in the daytime

we should remain as independent as possible

>>13367453

Why, any type would be fine, my miniscule friend! I say, you don't mind if I settle down by that fire, do you? It looks quite pleasently warm.

(Also, continue being a gentleman. BRITISH ACCENT, GO!)

>>13367666
yes well shall rest by your fire if it is not to much of an intrusion

Rest by fire.
Follow at distance in morning.
Ambush ambushing bandits.
DEVOUR DEVOUR DEVOUR.
Offer the merchants/whatever to be their beast o' burden and security on the way to the next town.
Seek employment at next town.

>>13367614
"that sounds fine my friend"

stick close to the scout dude, he seems the skittish type who would run from his herd should the bandits show. we must keep an eye on him to make sure our new found friend doesn't get killed (plus it would be funny to see how uncomfortable this makes him)

>>13367700

I like this plan. We can start our own business, Jolly Green Giant (Lizard), Inc. All your loot transportation/security needs, in one scaly package!

We should procur a massive tophat at some point with our wages.

>>13367700
I was hoping we'd take more of a 'lizard growing into a tarrasque' route rather than a 'lizard adventurer for hire' route

>>13367754
and a pipe for added effect

BAM.

>>13367755

I think becoming Oswald, the Well-Mannered Lizard Gentleman Adventurer would probably be more fun to play. Plus, we'll still get to OM NOM NOM on a regular basis, while discovering on how to become more dragonish.

>>13367755
you have to be patient since regular food doesn't cause instant growth for us plus wouldn't you rather be a giant British tarrasque

>>13367755
Rest by fire.
Follow at distance in morning.
Ambush ambushing bandits.
DEVOUR DEVOUR DEVOUR.
Offer the merchants/whatever to be their beast o' burden and security on the way to the next town.
Seek employment at next town.
Use wages to aquire a wizard
>BEGIN THE SPELL WIZARD
>But it's too dangerous. We could overload the-
>DAMNIT MAN! I PAY YOU FOR YOUR WORK, NOT YOUR OPINIONS
>Sir, I understand but this is madness! I cannot-
>BEGIN. THE. SPELL.
>...Aye sir.
Become a Tarraque/dragon/whatever

>>13367766
I was thinking we should become

THE GREAT POTATO LIZARD

never change /tg/

>>13367754
>>13367752
>>13367751
You rest by the fire, keeping a close eye on the skittish humanoid (you've nicknamed him girly, after his impressive sream) and your new friend (you've decided to call him Otto, on a whim).
In the morning, the merchants pack up their tents and begin to walk along a narrow forest road.
How do you follow?

Well gents, I'm off to bed now. I might be on sometime tomorrow, and I'll probably ask how the thread went after this.

>>13367839
Sneak through the nearby undergrowth.

>>13367841
Goodnight, good sir. May your dreams feature large gentleman lizards and magical potatoes.

>>13367839
follow with them to look as part of their group so when we see the bandits thy know we are with them

>>13367839
Smarmily.

>>13367856
>>13367853
Well, which is it?

>>13367839
At a distance far enough away to not be suspicous. Be as stealthy as possible too.

When the bandits attack, DEVOUR.

>>13367873
Sneak

>>13367859
>>13367839

A hundred times this.

But sneak through the forest a little to the right of the path, without knocking anything over.

When the bandits show up, we'll be able to confront them in a rather dramatic fashion by bursting through the forest's growth.

>>13367789
Like this?

>>13367887
OH YEAH?

>>13367887
>>13367886
>>13367878
Alright, looks like we're going with sneak.

You slink through the trees, blending in with the forest in a way you would not believe if someone told you of it.
At about midday, you begin to grow tired of the humanoids' slow pace. Even though you are slowed by the trees, you still have to stop every couple of minutes to wait for them to catch up. Just as you are considering abandoning stealth, you catch the scent of sweat and metal on the wind. The bandits must by lying in wait further up the road!

>>13367914

I love you.

>>13367856
i change my suggestion to sneaking and then making a dramatic entrance

>>13367919
let the party approach first and wait for the right moment

rolled 12 = 12

>>13367919
continue waiting and sneaking, we don't want to arbitrarily attack innocents by accident

>>13367919
scout and pick off any bandits you think we can and check for anything that looks like a magic user

>>13367919
>>13367919
Sneak up as close as you can to the bandits, without being seen. When the merchants approach, the bandits will be focused on the merchants, and not even see you.
THEN YOU CHARGE! DINAMYC ENTRY! CLEAVE AND SMITE, CLAW AND BITE, FEAST IN THEIR BLOOD!
BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD, SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE! BREAK THEIR BACKS WITH THE UNHOLY TALONS OF DEATH OF THE GENTLEMANLY LIZARD OF KHORNE, UNLEASH ALL OUR WRATH!
Uh... err.
Got a little carried away there.
Don't tell the inquisitors over on the other thread, please.

rolled 8 = 8

>>13367965
easy there seabiscuit

>>13367919
Do we taste any potatoes cooking on the breeze?

>>13367965
seconded

When we attack the bandits make as much mess as possible. Kill them in gruesome and disgusting ways. Chew them, spread their entrails over the ground. Devour them. PAINT THE FOREST RED WITH THEIR BLOOD!
This will serve to get us a reputation. The merchants will talk to other merchants who will talk to other merchants. We will be the FUCKHUEG lizard who rapes enemies and is
>The best security money can buy.

>>13367919

Peek your head out of the forest to warn our squishie friends that trouble has arrived.

Then circle around to try and catch the bandits by surprise.

>>13367931
>>13367932
You continue to follow the merchants until a group of large sweaty humanoids leap out from the trees. Otto and Girly draw their swords and move to protect the cart, but they can clearly tell that fighting would be futile.
"Alright! Toll's gone up this year, we'll be needing a fifth of your cargo as tribute to the Lord of this forest!" yells the largest and sweatiest of them. He holds a huge axe in both hands, and looks like he knows how to use it.
Otto explained to you last night that the bandits work under a leader who calls himself the Lord of the forest, so it's clear that these are those bandits. How do you act?

>>13367997
let the bandits do what they will then ambush/pick them off and return cargo

rolled 18 = 18

>>13367997
shift to final form and raperaperaperape

>>13367997
>>13367997
THIS>>13367965
>>13367965
>>13367965
>>13367965
Is my suggestion

rolled 8 = 8

>>13368018
swat bandits with tail during heroic charge

>>13368011
Letting the bandits menace your employers might not be good for your reputation, even if you do return all of the cargo.

>>13367997
Declare that you are the Lord of the Forest and you demand tribute from them lest you eat them.

>>13367997
take them buy surprise poke your head out and tell them

"if you don't let these chaps through with all their cargo and unharmed i shall have to commit an unnecessary act of violence against you"

Somebody make a "Gentlemen." edit with a lizard head and potatoes, I'm too shit to even try.

>>13368045
Agreed.

>possetes ingress

>>13367997

"Why, hello chaps. Don't want to interrupt, but I couldn't help but notice you don't seem to have the proper missives regarding this tax increase. Until you've provided us with proper legal notices, I'm afraid no tax-collection will take place. I suspect you aren't even licensed, are you?"

>>13368037
>>13368039
>>13368018
IT'S RAPE TIEM

You rush forward, flowing between the trees almost fluidly, and explode into the road with an earth-shaking roar, rending bandits with your claws and teeth. In your frenzy, you just barely notice that your tail has lifted itself to point almost directly upright.

everybodysgettingraped.jpg

Do as the picture says.

rolled 5 = 5

I can't believe my potato consuming derail worked out so swimmingly

>sainused plot

indeed

>>13368062
>>13368062
YESSSS

rolled 3 = 3

>>13368062
look up after it's safe

>>13368062
Remeber. As much mess as possible.

Let the battle consume you.

It will all be ok.

>>13368062

WAIT.

While we're fighting, can we be yelling things in our plummy British accent?

"TAKE THAT, SCOUNDREL!"
"THIS'LL TEACH YOU SOME MANNERS!"
"WHERE ARE YOUR POTATOES?"

>>13368062
Dispatch bandits.
Investigate tail.

>Chap dammest.

>>13368062
Wait a minute... These merchants get hassled by these bandits every year, not to mention all the other peddlers that traverse this forest. The bandits must have amassed a huge amount of loot over the years- Do you know what this MEANS? They have potatoes, potatoes that should be YOURS.

LET THE HATRED CONSUME YOU

http://www.angelfire.com/pa2/potatogod/

this is our chosen diety

>>13368090
>>13368088
As you fight, you scream out threats and taunts, "TAKE THAT SCOUNDREL!"
"THIS'LL TEACH YOU SOME MANNERS!"
"WHERE ARE YOUR POTATOES?"
As you sever the spinal cord of the last bandit, you hear crashing in the trees.
The bandits' allies are coming to help them! At least 15 bandits rush out into the road, and you see another 10 or so readying bows to attack you. While you can easily deal with the melee combatants, the archers could pose a serious threat. They have surrounded you and the merchants completely. What do?

rolled 3 = 3

>>13368118
what...the...shit...

rolled 2 = 2

>>13368125
get serious.

Grin menacingly and make self look big, tell merchants to hide cuz "this is gonna get messy"

>>13368125
let our rage consume us

use our tail to impale them and fire them at one another or something

devour what remains

blood for the potato god
potatos for the lizard throne

>>13368062
when the slaughter is done search for potatoes

>>13368125
depending how far we are from the thicker brush we should charge a section of the bandits pulling one with us then throw him through the forest for an escape sound and sneak behind archers for more slaughter

rolled 16 = 16

>>13368146
a thousand times this

>>13368125
CHARGE.
LET THE FIRE OF WAR FLOW THROUGH YOU.

SING RULE BRITTANIA WHILE FIGHTING. THERE IS GREATER CAUSE THAN THE DESTRUCTION OF THESE BRIGANDS WHO WOULD SO SEEK TO UNDERMINE MOTHER BRITAIN'S TRADE. TRADE IS THE LIFEBLOOD OF HIS MAJESTY'S EMPIRE AND TO ATTACK PEACEFUL MERCHANTS IS NOT ONLY A CRIME...

IT IS TREASON.

(N.B. TREASON is in double caps.)

knock down trees to provide cover for otto and girly, prepare for combat. We have the intelect of the ancients passed down by our ancestors and awakened by magics of old. Do not squander this gift by falling prey to our blood lust like some mammal.

>>13368125

Sue for peace.

"Hello, lads. Just a proposition...let's say today I don't want to be shot with loads of tiny splinters. And let's say you all don't want to be crushed, maimed, broken and eaten. Now, assuming that both of these are true, wouldn't you agree that it would be simply if neither of these things happened? Why not let us go on?

Serpentine to thee archers

>>13368174
Don't forget a polite smile. :D

>>13368125
Jump into the densest trees you can, slaughtering a few melee lads in the process. Once there, you should be safe from arrows, or at least, for long enough that you can run around in a long circle behind the archers, then it's to the bloody business of the day.

To hell with the merchants, you can't do anything for them.

Also, leave one bandit survivor, to lead you to their lair..

>>13368146
>>13368142
You lift yourself up and yell for the merchants to take cover.
The archers let fly their arrows and you realize that this might be the end. You fight off the melee fighters and realize that this might just be the end.

SUDDENLY

You hear screams of pain from all around you, and you look up from your now-dead opponent to see the archers all around collapsing to the ground clutching their chests, which are ablaze with green flames. As you look away, a bandit rushes at you with a spear. Distracted as you are, he is able to get a good shot in, aimed directly for your neck, but he suddenly stops. Your tail is wrapped around his neck, and you see his body shrivel and collapse into a pile of bones and skin.
The few remaining bandits scream in fear and begin to run, but bolts of green lightning shoot from the tip of your tail and hit each one with perfect accuracy right in the center of their back. They collapse, screaming as the green fire kills them in seconds.

>>13368125
Zig zag between the treeline, to avoid getting shot, and advance through to the archers. Once you're in melee range, as they'll be in a line, PLOW THROUGH THEM.
Afterwards, turn back and MAIM KILL BURN the remainders. But try to leave one alive.
THERE'S LOOT TO BE HAD!

>>13368171

This, we've been gifted a brain, why not use it?

Let's try to talk them down, if not, start knocking down trees onto people and generally not being a pincushion.

>>13368209
YES!

GIANT DEMON LIZARD TAIL FINALLY PAYS OFF

FEAST UPON EVERYTHING SLAIN

FEAST

>>13368209
Sweet Jesus...

>>13368209
do this

>>13368209
"Well I say..."

Act to the merchants as though this was all part of the plan. Demand an increase in your potatoe supply, and any and all knowledge of local wizards/mages/assorted magic bastards.

>>13368209
Short term:
FEAST
Inspect tail
Continue with merchants to town

Long term:
Hire wizard to investigate tail.
Learn magics

rolled 12 = 12

>>13368209
act completely surprised and a little self conscious

>fareacho control

yes we must learn control

>>13368209

Check on our friends, are they alright?

Also, we should visit a wizard to work out this magic tail bullshit. And possibly get more magic taters.

>>13368209
Potatos for the potato lizard
Magic for the magic tail

>>13368251
>>13368240
>>13368225
As you feast on the bodies of the fallen, you watch your tail carefully. It moves around as if checking the surrounding area for danger, then moves next to your head and speaks.
"You may control our movement, but I swear if you cross me I will melt your brains and find a new body to carry me around. Have I made myself clear?"

>>13368279
shit

fucking wizard possessed our tail

later we must ask it its desires

rolled 12 = 12

>>13368279
oh crap, wizard tail

>forliel talked
we will call our tail forliel

>>13368279
tell it
"No"

>>13368279
;_;

Et tu, tail?

rolled 13 = 13

>>13368279
>>13368298
use bandit axe to sever tail, grow better one without a wizard in it

are we one of those lizzards who can snap off their tails?

>>13368279

Oh my.

Dragons from the void, in our tail.

When we find some tophats, make sure to put one on both of our heads.

>>13368279
why yes indeed but i hope this to be a mutually beneficial partnership.

Ask it what it is and why its in our tail. How long will it be there etc.

>>13368279

"How RUDE, you rapscallion of a tail! I know not what manner of being you are that possesses my appendage, but I must insist that you treat me with a certain amount of common decency! If you can do that, then I will happily bear you, and harbour you. Have I made MYSELF clear?"

>>13368354
"I am the dragon king Ouroboros! I was summoned from the void by your blood, and the magic of that pathetic wizard. You, as a lesser being, must serve me, as that is the way of things. However, there is no reason you cannot be rewarded for your services if you prove useful to me. Do not attempt to remove me from your body, as I will still be fully capable of killing you."

>>13368396
Surely you would be better off if you had an entire body all to yourself?
What say I aquire a suitable body for you. A dragon or somesuch. That way we can both go our seperate ways comfortably with the knowledge that we are free for eachother.

>>13368396

Ask it if it would like a crown?

What's he want us to do?

>>13368396
>Ouroboros
>Tail-eating dragon in our tail
EAT OUR TAIL

rolled 1 = 1

>>13368316
>>13368396
I present my stub to the conductor and bored the train.

"what kind of reward of omnipotent lizard tail king"

>>13368396
I don't get it, you don't even want to be in my body in the first place, why would you be upset at the prospect of being FREE?

>>13368396
We must settle who will be the leader of this outfit once and for all.

Ask the merchants if they have a coin.

Heads or tails. Let this be our final battle.

>>13368442
"Of course I require a new body. However, as dragons have long since been extinct, I can hardly hope to find one, and even if I could I would not dream of treating my subjects with such ill consideration as to possess him. No, we must find a powerful artificer to craft me an artificial body. He will not do so willingly, but with your help I believe I can make it happen. We will continue to the town with these merchants, and you will act as if you were the one casting the spells. Once there, I will speak to you again."

rolled 8 = 8

>>13368467
>>13368469
>>13368461

>>13368469
YESSSSSSSSSSS

>>13368500

Mkay, Tailking.

Let's go to town then.

We should start advertising our loot transportation/security business too. Couldn't hurt to start generating some buzz.

>>13368500
Agreed. We must build him a mechanical body of suitable grandness. Then, when we have curried his favour we will learn his secrets and his magiks.

And then. Then we build an empire. A land where all can be free. Where God and King rule benevolently over willing, able subjects. Through the power of our Navies and the discipline of our Armies we can conquer the world, bringing enlightmenment to savages and freedom to those oppressed.

I propose we call it:

Britain.

>>13368500
Oh my. Quite a situation we've found ourselves in. I suppose it's in my best interest to cooperate, as I don't feel inclined to end up like those archer fellows.

Let's go to town.

>>13368555
>>13368550
>>13368533
The merchants thank you profusely, and they look at you with a mixture of awe, fear, and gratitude. You lead the way along the path now, and they follow behind.
As you near the town, you allow them to go ahead and announce your arrival to the town guards. As you enter the market square, people gasp and stare, their fear tempered with respect after hearing the merchants' tale.

>>13368602
strut to the local guild halls looking for an artficer

>>13368602

Begin politely asking passerby for the local wizard/sorcerer/historian.

We should research dragons, Ouroborous, etc.

>>13368637

inb4 Ouroboros turns out to be the BBEG.

>>13368602
1st order of business.
Get an advertisment up that you will escort caravns for fun and profit. You will also carry some of the load but that will cost extra.
2nd.
Find a wizard and atrificer. Get to work on the body. Find out what the dragon-king wants and get a quote.
3rd.
Aquire money for body.
Build body.
-1 Dragon-king

>>13368673
lets just enslave some gnomes problem solved
we're not exactly working for a good god

>>13367789
Food is a priority

>>13368673

We should have the same guy build us a set of rocking armor.

Or keep eating magic potatoes until we're literally too big to kill.

>>13368684
>Enslave
My good man that is a base and despicable suggestion. Such measures are NEVER acceptable. Not for personal, private or public gain.

If I may be so bold, you are a bad man and you should feel bad.

Seriously. Let's find a wizard with attitude.
Getting a set of armour for our size would be expenisve and take time away from more important things (as well as requiring an entire team to dress/undress us).

So we have three other options:
Magical enhancement
Permenant physical enhancement (grafting slabs of metal onto our hide etc.
Grow bigger.

Let's investigate further.

Archive this brOP.

>>13368708
>>13368687
>>13368673
>>13368637
>>13368623
You bend down to speak to a guard. "Pardon me sir, but I would like to know if there is a wizard, artificer, or any other sort of magician in this town? If so, could you please direct me to them as I require their services."
The guard is still a little frightened of you, but your pleasant demeanor seems to have left a good impression, and he smiles and gives you detailed instructions on how to reach the local wizard's shop.
You arrive outside the shop a minute later.
There is no way you can fit in the door, even your head is too wide to fit through.

>>13368746
Embarrassing as it is to admit, I'm afraid I don't actually know how to do that.

ask someone to fetch the wizard. do so politely

>>13368755

Just archived on sup /tg/. Got your back, brOP.

>>13368787
You, sir, are a gentleman and a scholar.

>>13368755
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/requestinterface.html
Fill this out and its archived

>>13368748
Knock on door with our tong.

>>13368794

But yeah, politely ask nearby people, ragamuffins, etc if they could find the wizard inside and tell them a client is waiting outside.

>>13368824
A man is about to walk into the store when your tail gently touches his shoulder. He turns around suddenly, and the tip of your tail touches his forehead. A spark seems to pass from your tail into his head and his eyes glaze over for a moment. You lean down and ask if he would please inform the wizard of your presence and he agrees.
A minute later, he steps out of the shop with a young man behind him. The stranger leaves, and the young man (dressed in horribly clashing bright yellows and pinks) introduces himself as the local wizard.
"I am Henry, the local wizard. I've heard of you from my familiar. How may I assist you?"

>>13368881

Tell him about our dilemma. Ask him if he can tell us more about what's happened to us, who our original wizard was, about how Ouroboros wants a robot body, etc etc etc.

>>13368895
As you bend your head down to speak to Henry, your tail passes by your ear and you hear Ouroboros whisper, "Do not speak of me. Simply say that you need a magical construct in the shape of a dragon."

>>13368907

Do what our tail says.

Also, tell Henry of our business plan. Perhaps we can pay for the construction of the robot dragon by working security for adventurers? We could definitely use some investment and magical protection too.

>>13368787
Wait, if it's been archived, do you have the link?

http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/13366099/

>>13368947
Derp. Nevermind, I found it.

>>13368973
Thank you, though

Also, how do I make sure that the latest version of the thread has been archived? Do I just resubmit the request?

>>13369000

Pretty sure.

>>13368925
You tell Henry that you require a large construct in the shape of a dragon. You tell him that he will be well payed, and ask if he might be interested in entering into a business venture. You talk for hours about the specifics of beginning a caravan guard business. As night falls, he directs you to a series of caves under the town, and provides you with a magical fire to warm them for you. The townsfolk have agreed that you can stop in the caves whenever you visit, as they are not used by anyone else, and the only place where you will comfortably fit.
You go to sleep.


Alright, gentlemen. I think I'm going to call it a night. Would anyone be interested in continuing this Quest sometime tomorrow, or perhaps at a later date?

>>13369000
Automatically updated every so often

>>13369063
When ever is good for you.

>>13369109
I'd love to have a Lizard Quest Part 2, but I won't if there isn't interest.

>>13369114
I would too, tomorrow is good.

>>13369140
Great! I'll try to do it some time tomorrow.
Thanks for taking part, happy new year, and all that.

Bloody brilliant I say.

Just started reading,
I am laughing so hard at this and I don't know why.