Serrated Vagina

Projectile Sphincter

>>9131337

Serrated Beak
Bioluminescence

SIZE and SIZE

We want to be the largest derp there ever derped

>>9131381
THIS

Beard and Hammer hands.

>>9131381
Unfortunately, you can only take size once at this point.

We should endeavor to become sinker of ships as THE KRAKEN!

SIZE AND TOUGH SKIN!

Size Increase (3' long, +4 HP)
Horn (1d4 Damage)

>>9131424
Fine, then size and serrated beak
We shall be fierce derp

Size and beard!

Size and Serrated Beak.
OMNOMNOMNOM 2d4 damage.

>>9131446
THIS WE WILL BE THE BIGGEST AND BADDEST CEPHALOPOD OF THEM ALL

Four votes for size. The second evolution seems to be up in the air. Serrated beak is taking the lead.

The Derpuhpus is now three feet long. Three feet of raw derp.

>>9131523
WE REQUIRE SERRATED DERPBEAK

We should have gotten derpier.
Just bigger and derpier.

Serrated derp

serrated beak

Congrats! Your beak has become serrated!

To your right is a kelp forest. To the left, a quiet stromatolite maze. Behind you, a whale carcass sitting at the bottom of the sea.

Where to?

Serrated beak

>>9131575

Stromatolite maize. I iz hungry

>>9131575
Test out our beak!
EAT ANYTHING THAT MOVES!

>>9131575
GO EAT THE SHARK CARCASS WITH DERPBEAK

>>9131575

TO THE WHALE CARCASS!

There MUST be game to be had around

>>9131608
AND BY THAT I MEAN WHALE CARCASS
DERP

>>9131575
EAT WHALE

THEN MAKE SURE TO EAT SOME PLANTS TOO, OR YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE POOPING THAT WHALE OUT

>>9131575
Eat the whale. Consume it's brain so we may grow wise and less derp.

>>9131660
Or, eat the brain so that we may come up with much more complex derp.

dude they really need to make EVO: The Search For Eden into a tabletop game

>>9131687
true.

in fact, there needs to me more EVOLUTION genre games period, though they won't happen for a while because of the massive dissapointment spore brought.

also westerns.

CONSUME WHALE TESTES.

IMPREGNATE WHALE BITCHES.

Consume the damn whale, OP!

This Quest has potential!

I say we swim to the whale cracass and snoop around for potential larger predators before starting to eat!

You jet your derpy way towards the whale carcass. There's not much flesh left, just fat-filled bones and a ton of hagfish shrieking "HEY NIGGA" at one another in their hagfishy way. As you chew some meat off a rib, you notice a nearby harem of Derpuhpuses. Six females guarded by a male. None of them have your bulk, but they all have a particularly nice odour.

The lone male notices you. What do you do?

>>9131742
MATE WITH THE MALE, FIGHT OFF ANY FEMALES WHO GET IN OUR WAY.

>>9131742
Is his ass gonna get up in our grill?
Derp our way over to him and strut our shit and show him we ain't gonna get pushed around
then kill and eat him and mate with all of his women

>>9131742
I turn towards the lone male and strech my tentacles wide in an imposing display of size and strength to show who is the dominant one.

>>9131742
USE OUR INCREASED SIZE AND SERRATED DERP TO DERP HIS TENTACLES OFF AND STEAL THE WOMEN FOR OURSELF

>>9131742

USE BODYSLAM

THEN EAT HIM

THEN FUCK BITCHES!

YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

>>9131742
EAT HIM. TAKE HIS FINE BITCHES.

>>9131742

I HIT IT WITH MY SWORD!

>>9131742
Show off our sweet-ass new beak!

Go viking on his ass. Kill him and rape his women then loot a random church for good measure.

>>9131800

WITH MY SWORD!

I ask them all to support my free health care for all derpupods

Rolling to kill this pansy ass and show him who's top squid.

The male notices your girth and gets pissed off. Envious of your fine derpiness, he swells up with water before blasting towards you. All you have to do is open your beak and bite down on his sorry mantle.

KA-ROMPH!

Torn asunder, the little male dies, and you eat the remains before the hagfish and bum it off you. As soon as you're done eating, the females swim close to you, cooing as you absorb the male's pheromone sac.

You now have pheromones!

Do you wish to mate right here and now, or do you want to lead the harem to a safer, hagfish-free place?

>>9131844
OH BOY 'ERE WE GO.


I'm gonna second the WITH MY SWORD guy.

>>9131855
You only have to roll if I say it's necessary. Most of the time it won't.

EAT BITCHES. FUCK WHALE CARCASS.


Wait, lets not do that again.

>>9131859
BOTH

>>9131859
find safer place before mating!

>>9131859
TAKE THOSE FINE BITCHES TO YOUR PAD AWAY FROM THESE HAGFISH SCRUBS

>>9131859
WE ARM AND TRAIN OUR NEW HAREM.

ARMY OF FINE-ASS DERPAPI NINJA BITCHES.

>>9131859
Let's roll up into a cave and get us a base of operations that we can safely gather more and more bitches to lead up to a 100-bitch orgy.

>>9131859
Take them back to our pad. Make sweet love to them by the hydrothermal vent.

>>9131859
Fuck bitches, let the Hagfish watch in envy.

>>9131859
Mate with impunity, right in front of the hagfish. Take each bitch by a tentacle and play magical chairs with their ovum sacs.

>>9131912
BACK TO THE PAD
TELL THEM TO WAIT THERE AND GATHER A LARGER HAREM TO GET AN ORGY GOIN'

>>9131868

THIS SWORD KILLS RED NAZI FAGGOT COMRADE WEHRMACHT GESTAPO STASI MUSLIMS!!!

Do it there, right there in the corpse of that whale. Let everyone know just how badass you are.

WHATEVER. JUST GET TO FUCKING. WE HAVE TO PASS ON OUR SUPERIOR DERPGENES.

THEN LATER, HAREM OF NINJA BITCHES.

>>9131922
On second thought do this

>>9131898
>>9131899
>>9131903
>>9131912
Alrighty then!

You lead the harem to a nice little place under a mangrove tree that grew between two islands. It's safe there, and the females can find lots of little fish to eat. You get your mojo on with each one, and they lay their eggs.

Roll 6d4 to find the number of offspring you now have, half male, half female. They have all of your traits.

rolled 3, 4, 1, 4, 4, 4 = 20

>>9131996

Eat half the eggs.

>>9131996

Sweet we now have a variable ARMY IN THE WORKS

roll 6d4

rolled 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 1 = 18

>>9131996
Lets get it on!

>>9132015
Fuck no
if we wait for them to grow we can get more mass from their bodies

Let's see how many we get

>>9131996
EAT SOME EGGS FOR MORE ENERGY CAUSE FUCK BABIES MAN

>>9132015
>>9132028
Okay, I don't know how to do this. How do you roll?

rolled 1, 1, 2, 2, 2, 3 = 11

>>9131996
REGALE OUR OFFSPRING WITH TALES OF OUR DERPNESS

rolled 2, 4, 2, 4, 4, 4 = 20

Don't eat the eggs

2 20s is a pretty clear sign...

rolled 3, 1, 2, 2, 4, 3 = 15

>>9132043
email field, "Dice+6d4"

rolled 2, 1, 3, 4, 4, 4 = 18

>>9132043
you put in the email field without the quotation marks
"dice XdY" or "dice+XdY"
Where X is the amount of dice you wish to roll and Y the number of sides each dice have.

Definitely don't eat the eggs. We need a fucking army.

Ten boys and ten girls. Not too shabby. The females are tired and so won't be mating for a while. As you look to the sky, a meteor passes overhead and explodes, washing your entire population (20 offspring, 6 females and you) in evolutionary potential.

Choose two traits:
Size Increase (5' long, +4 HP)
Horn (1d4 Damage)
Pheromones (Turn Other Species)
Bioluminescence (Lighting up, Lure)
Colour Vision
Eye Stalks
Watertight Skin (+4 HP, Can Leave Water)
Crushing Beak (3d4 Damage)
Tentacle Hooks (1d4)

Okay, here's what we do:
Indoctrinate the youth.
Tell the harem we're going for cigs.
Never come back.

>>9132101
size
tentacle hooks

WE SHALL BECOME THE KRAKEN

also, mate with the girls.

>>9132101
Tentacle hooks
Crushing beak

huh. hooks.. hm..
well, whatever the second one is, we definitely need to be derpier.
SIZE!

>>9132101
Colour Vision
Pheromones

>>9132101

tentacle hooks and size increase

>>9132101
SIZE INCREASE AND CRUSHING BEAK
WE SHALL BE GOD-DERP

>>9132101
Size tentacle hooks

Fuck the hooks. Focus on one good attack, not a bunch of shitty ones. Go for beak increase.

Size Increase (5' long, +4 HP)
Horn (1d4 Damage)

>>9132168
Some hooks for later on would be interesting.
We'd technically have 9 ways to attack someone, rather than just the beak. The horns are a bit weak though.

Your population fucking derps out and grows to five feet in length. You now have 18 HP.

>>9132101
Size Increas!e because it means more prey, you cannot eat dead whales all the time.
Watertight skin! Because this way we can open new opportunities for food and safety

>>9132196
The horns improve with each upgrade.

>>9132168

hooks and we can hook onto prey and then fuck them up with our beak.

Don't just look at numbers, you idiot.

>>9132132
This!

>>9132210
I guessed, but Hooked Tentacles.
motherfucker, that's better than pretending to be an underwater bull.

I think Pheromones will be helpful in controlling other speciese

>>9132217
Mating with the girls? Ok, yeah. I second/third that.

Dohoho, if we get horns and hooks, we just slam people into our Forehead of Impalement +3.

Your two tentacles grow hooks within the suckers, giving you the ability to grapple things with sheer pain. And two tentacles.

Your twenty offspring are well-fed and playing. Not much can stand in your way now. A little crab scuttles along the sea floor in a hurry and stops beneath you. It's waving its pincers frantically. It wants your attention.

Will you grant it a hearing?

>>9132274
Yes, hear what it has to say.
THEN EAT IT!

>>9132274
proceed

>>9132274
Hear it out
then
NOM NOM NOM

>>9132274
let's see what it wants. if it's useful we won't eat it.

>>9132274
Fuck crabs man. Eat that little jerk.

>>9132274
ALLOW IT TO BEG THE DERPUHPUS FORGIVENESS FOR INTRUDING INTO OUR DOMAIN

>>9132274
BEFRIEND ALL CRABS

>>9132274
Hear what it wants.
We shall become the justice-giver of the sea, destroying the whalers and fishermen who dare to enter our realm.

It may speak in the presence of...

THE KRAKEN!

rolled 2, 1, 4, 1, 4, 2 = 14

Looks like hooked tentacles wins out, but I vote for either watertight skin or color vision.

More versatile.

Listen to it.
We will decide later whether or not to attack the weak spot for massive damage.

>>9132316
Destroy whalers at sea, hymens when we go on land! Fuck yeah, watertight skin next upgrade!

>>9132274
Listen to the CRAB, it might lead us to the CRAB HOME where we can find MORE CRAB.

Or even better, lead us to more interesting places.

inb4 eat the crab

>>9132337
Let's just hope we don't have to listen to CRABCORE on the way to the CRAB HOME.

You gaze down upon it with your bulbous eyeballs and clack your beak. It begins drawing scribbles on the sand floor, showing crabs being attacked by some kind of mollusc. The attacker has a single shell on its back and two eyestalks. Squiggly lines radiate from the shellbeast's front and go over a few crab figures.

The crab jabs a claw in the direction of the kelp forest. Obviously, it wants you to get rid of this shellbeast. Will you?

Pay attention to grab.

Ready tentacles to punish if it becomes mouthy.

rolled 1, 1, 2, 1, 1, 2 = 8

Greet the crab as "homeslice". Hear it's message and decide afterward whether to make it our meal.

>>9132399
TAKE HIM AS A SACRIFICE, THEN ATTACK THE MOLLUSC AND THE CRABS.
WE SHALL BE THE TERROR OF THE SEAS. THE MIGHTY KRAKEN!

>>9132399
Competition in my territory is very unwanted! I shall remove this invader, for a price!

>>9132399
Makes me wish we'd taken that crushing beak, instead of these useless hooks. Faggots.

Gather our army of Derpuhpi, and go annhilating.

>>9132399
Fuck yeah. Bring a few of our best bitches as well. No point in being heroic if you can't have sex soon afterwards.

>>9132399
Defeat Mollusc
Befriend Crabkind
Begin Eating ALL Crabkind
????
PROFIT!!

rolled 2, 2, 4, 2, 3, 2 = 15

>>9132399
FUCKING OMANITES ALWAYS FUCKING WITH PEOPLE.

KILL THOSE BASTARDS AND EAT THEIR YOUNG.

>>9132399
>clam monsters
>mollusks

>DELICIOUS MOLLUSKS

DISREGARD CRAB

YOU HAVE MUCH DELICIOUSER FOOD AWAITING

MAYBE EVEN THANK THE CRAB, SO DELICIOUS

Ho, shit. When we get to crabland, we use the tentacles to through crabs at the mollusc eyestalks! Projectile crab warfare!

Tell the crab that swift and mighty vengeance demands blood payment... a sacrifice.

In return for his children and family's safety he or someone in his place is to be sacrificed for food for our family.

DERP

Kill mollusk thing, and anything else that ever bothers the crabs again, in return for a protection fee. Which will of course be paid in crabs, but less crabs than would be eaten by other predators.

Disregard crab, defeat mollusk.

Nignog, make sure we take our army. The younglings require experience in battle.

>>9132456
>Throwing things underwater

Put the crab on whatever part of our anatomy is best described as a head, ride into combat with him as our personal battle helmet, if the mollusk tries to tentacle us, he can CLAW ATTACK its tentacles / eyes.

>>9132569
Crab should pay the price for our help by being our helmet for the rest of it's life.

>>9132569
excellent! I support this!

>>9132569
Yes, this is awesome!

>>9132569
this is so much better than eating the crab I cannot even believe it.

Anyway...

You clack your beak in acceptance, and the crab bows, gripping his pincers together in thankful litany. Snapping your beak thrice, you summon your family together to study the scribbles in the sand. They understand, despite the crudeness of the scribbles.

You head towards the kelp forest, intent on derping ass and taking derp. Soon the kelp appears, thick all around. The water is a tad murky, but you can feel vibrations just fine.

The crabs are all fifty feet below you, huddled away in their stone huts, big pincers waving in defense, a smaller pair grasping tiny harpoons. A loud rumble emanates at the forest edge, and the shellbeast appears.

Six feet long and three wide, it slithers along atop a single foot, its shell changing colour like a demented rainbow. Its eyes twist about haphazardly, looking for prey.

Well, it got more than it bargained for. What will your army do?

>>9132569

This

also

SHIMON GATAAAAAAAIIIIIIII!!!!

ANIKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

The crabs are there, btw, if you really want helmets.

>>9132624
GO FOR THE EYES DERP, GO FOR THE EYES

>>9132624
USE YOUR BITCHES

PICK SHELLBEAST UP AND IT NO LONGER CAN DO ANYTHING

>>9132624
Arm ourselves with crabs and strike whatever soft spots for MASSIVE DAMAGE.

>>9132624

Use tentacles to grab it and lift it off the sea bed

Drop it upside down

Order everyone to attack its belly

>>9132641
It should be the one who came to get help, he shows bravery and artistic talent.

In relation to the clambeast thing - can we take it's leg out making it easier prey?

This... this isn't how evolution works at all!

>>9132672
Yes, you can. >>9132656 and >>9132666 have a good idea.

>>9132624
I say we must surround the beast then go for the eyes! I shall peronally face it and draw attenion whil th rest surrounds it, then go for the eyes!

>>9132666

Of course you would say that...

...SATAN!

>>9132718
What the fuck do you want?

Go for the eyes!

>>9132666
forget what I said do this!

Remember, majority vote of 4 at the least. It's wise to use tactics in a battle such as this. REMEMBER THE SQUIGGLY LINES. What could they be?

The crabs have climbed the kelp and there is one crab atop each squid. Aquatic cavalry at its finest. The crabassador is atop your head.

>>9132758
GLORIOUS!

HIT IT WITH OUR DICK!

>>9132758
after the flipping of the crab, we will eliminate the squiggly lines.

it most likely has like, spike-tentacles or some shit.

>>9132758
>squid

I'm retarded. You're not squids, you're derpuhpuses.

Upend it onto it's back.

Signal the crabs to attack it's eyes.

What if the squiggly lines are a sonic attack?

>>9132792
DerpuhPI, retard.

Pick it up, drop it on it's head / back.

Eat it's leg.
Eat it's eyes.

>>9132758
It has a projectile weapon, I recommend flanking it from at least two directions. The best bet would be to have everyone rotate around it while attacking so that no one is in front of it.

THEY"RE LAZERZ! Send in 4 young to attack from front, rest of forces, charge it from the side, using the crabs as a barricade, and ram into that motherfucker, hooking into it and beaking it's exposed belleh, DERP DAT MUDDADERPA

>>9132866
Eat it's eyes quickly before it can unleash the attack.

>>9132866
Man it's a good thing we didn't evolve ears.
CHOMP IT'S FACE

WHY DID YOU DELETE YOUR POST?

Bait it with smaller derps. Strike from behind. Crabs can do whatever the fuck they want.

>>9132866
Three way flank. Two rear sides and one suicide front squad. Make suicide squad focus on eyes. Father Derp will take advantage of swimming and attack from above.

Flanking maneuvers win.

Approach from behind to bite it's eyes.

>>9132624
land on top, use serrated beak to cut to the middle DERP DERP DERP

Sorry, I jumped the gun.

COMMENCE BATTLE
Father Derpuhpus=18 HP
Shellbeast=20 HP

Your offspring rush in as two groups, left and right, causing the sheelbeast to let loose a strange wailing sound. It shudders and thrusts its head forward, sending a rippling column pressing through the water ahead of it. A crab was struck by this force and began twitching violently before falling still.

You rush towards it eyestalks as said stalks gaze up at your family. What do you do next?

When we swim around it, have little derps and crabs take our place in front of it. That way, either squad can't risk being ignored.

>>9132974
Bite it's eyes. Flare our tentacles wide to confuse it's vision.

>>9132974
SNAP, SNAP, MUHFUKKA!

>>9132974
Can we attack the left eyestalk? Roll for damage?

EAT THE EYES
*ADVICE DERPUHPUS*
GAIN COLOURED VISION

>>9133009
This.

>>9133007
Certainly. Roll 2d4 for bite damage. On an 8, that stalk is completely severed, stunning the shellbeast.

Withdraw the crabless one

Grab it with tentacles and turn it onto its back.

Have everyone attack the belly.

Damnit this isn't a difficult plan

rolled 4, 3 = 7

>>9133045
Om nom nom.
Can we dual attack with tentacles?

rolled 2, 4 = 6

>>9133045
rollan

rolled 2, 4 = 6

>>9133045

rolled 4, 1 = 5

>>9133045
Rollan to bite it's eyeball

Also, you can use an all-out "derpserker attack" that applies each attack available simultaneously. However, you'll have to rest afterward for a tiny bit.

GUYS STOP ROLLING, THE FIRST ROLL WAS BEST.

>>9132974
Evasive maneuvers and eat it's eyes

rolled 1, 2 = 3

EYEBITE

Continue attacking from the front, as the Shellbeast's eyes aren't on us.

Get family to lift and flip the Shellbeast while we go for the eyes.

You clamp down and nearly sever an eyestalk. It wails in pain and retracts into its shell. At this point the family grabs onto the shell's edge and begin lifting, slowly flipping the shellbeast upside down. They drop it unceremoniously on the sea floor. It can't do shit, captain. Shall you feast upon it?

>>9133117
Feast and also feed children!

>>9133117
TAKE CLAIM OF THE CARCASS.

USE HOOKED TENTACLES TO HARVEST THE CHOICE MEATS.

rolled 1, 4 = 5

Herpa derp

rolled 3, 4 = 7

>>9133117
situation do Tyranids biomass what om nom nom

>>9133141
Stick tentacles into shell and RIP AND TEAR RIP AND TEAR

rolled 3, 1 = 4

>>9133117
Consume it so we can become larger and more derpy

Eat it's body. Demand the crabs carve our glorious image onto it's shell in remembrance of our victory here.

rolled 1, 4 = 5

>>9133185
hrmmmm what if we... USE SHELL AS A HAT?

rolled 2, 1 = 3

>>9133185

Demand the crabs take the shell and turn it into a derp sword and derp shield for your tentacle hooks to wield.

Enslave crabs as a client-nation. Offer them your permanent protection in return for food and the crab's dead.

>>9133223
>>9133223
>>9133223
HOHOHO! Fantastic!

Being the head of the family, you reach in with your hooked tentacles and yank out both eyestalks, biting them clean off and devouring them. The shock of this kills the shellbeast, and the crabs rejoice, snapping their pincers.

You now have colour vision!

You and your children devour the remains alongside the crabs, noticing that the meat is almost gelatinous near the anterior end. It tingles, too!

OH MY GAWD, IT'S CHRISTMAS! Not really, the shellbeast possessed an electric organ. You now have an electric shock attack that does 1d4 damage, and you can sense electric currents. Your entire family has these traits as well.

Where will you go now?

>>9133254
DEMAND CRAB-WORSHIP. CONTINUE BUILDING OUR MIGHTY EMPIRE.

rolled 3, 1 = 4

>>9133254
become god emprah of krabkind, if they will not serve us, then we will serve them for dinner. (ie EAT THEM DERP DERP DERP)

>>9133254
Search for shelter so we can set up a crab armory.

>>9133254
Enslave the crabs. Have them them harvest fish and their dead as tribute for our services as protectors.

>>9133254
Now that we have feasted we retunr home to mate and the crabs can have the shell of the monste ras monument of my glorious victory. Or homes.

At home mate and/or evole whichever possible

Crab army. Allies, not slaves.

>>9133254
Sword and Shield
Client nation

Eat its eyes, then try to identify whatever organ let it do that sonic thing.

>>9133337

Agreed. Crab helmets as slaves is much more dangerous than crab helmets that follow you as allies.

>>9133335
THIS FIND OUT IF WE CAN EVOLVED USING THE CRABS SOME HOW, PERHAPS SACRIFICING THEM?

I read the prior posts, so I'll go with those.

The crabs rejoice and praise you for your majestic victory. The tools they use are crude - given that they were made by pincers and not tentacles - and appear to fall apart at the slightest thing. You gesture towards the shell - now stripped bare of tissue - and motion for the crabs to etch an image onto it.

(Drawfags are more than welcome to join in.)

The crabs busy themselves with a picture that defies awe. Their keen eyes do wonders. It's you, floating under the sun and moon, with a quintet of crabs praising you on a sand hill underneath. Their large pair of pincers are uplifted in praise and their small pair of pincers lowered in appeasement. They will carry the six-foot shell for you.

Find new safety in kelp fields. Negotiate crab-alliance.

Breed with wimminz and make teh coloured i babiez.

>>9133254
now we shall mate with the crabs.

Keep friendly with the crabs, if they were to rebel while they were on our heads, they could easily rip out army's eyes out and defeat us.

Mate
With
Crabs

>>9133394
WE ARE NOW GOD OF CRABKIND. BE THEIR EARNEST PROTECTOR AND GUARDIAN, AND THEY YOUR WILLING SERVANTS AND WORSHIPERS.

LEAD THEM TO THEIR NEW HOME AT THE AWESOME TREE.

>>9133464
AND THEN MATE WITH THEM!

Us-dammit, we can't mate with the crabs, they don't even have the proper projectile-sperm receptacles.

Their adoration is enough.

Mating with the crabs is not possible, I'm afraid.

rolled 1, 2 = 3

>>9133484
don't fuck everything


EVOLVE

>>9133464
This! Lead the crab tribe an settle them at our home so they could serve us and worship us!

However many crabs want to come with us can, use them as helmets in combat in exchange for us kicking derp 24/7.

Sidenote: Could you please recap and update our full stats every time we evole!

It just occurred to me, we're a five foot long octopus with hooked tentacles, a serrated beak, and an electric field generator.

We are going to scare the shit out of any humans who come across us.

>>9133558
Sure thing!

The foot-broad crabs adore you, of course. Your pheromones seem to affect them to a degree. They follow you back to the mangrove and rest the shell against the roots, letting the sun hit it straight on. There are fourty crabs, all told, and they begin building huts out of rocks around the roots.

You begin mating with females, y/n?

>>9133617
yes

Bring the shell to our tree fort, begin building a SEA FORTRESS OF DERP

Have the crabs relocate to our tree and plant a forest of kelp around it

>>9133617
Y. In the privacy of the mangrove.

The crabs must see us as a mysterious figure as well as a powerful one.

>>9133617
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

>>9133617
mate with them twofold

rolled 2, 2 = 4

Yes, FOR SPECIES SURVIVAL

BOW CHIKKA WOW WOW DERP

Roll 6d4 to find how many offspring hatch.

rolled 4, 4, 4, 1, 2, 2 = 17

>>9133684

rolled 3, 1, 2, 3, 2, 4 = 15

MATING FOR THE MATING GOD

rolled 3, 4, 1, 2, 1, 1 = 12

>>9133684

>>9133646
Not to worry, Derpuhpus are very shy about mating in front of crustaceans. Especially those with two pairs of pincers.

rolled 3, 1, 3, 3, 4, 2 = 16

SO MANY BABIES.

Our family has grown rather large, and the first generation are surely old enough to mate.

To prevent an excess of DERPcest we shall need to integrate new genetic material.

A QUEST TO FIND MORE FEMALES FOR YOUR DERPY SONS.

Your daughters can strike out on their own.

Next evolution, watertight skin. Then, we rape women at night!

Bioluminescence
Serrated Beak

Head back to the stromatolite maze, maybe we can find more of our species that have evolved along a different path

17 + 20 + 6 + 1 = 44 derps altogether.

After all that mating, Father Derpuhpus' heart gives out and he dies. Father Derpuhpus II comes to power!

What you have now:
18 HP
5' Length
Six Arms
Serrated Beak (2d4 Damage)
Two Hooked Tentacles (1d4 Damage)
Pheromones (Appeasement)
Colour Vision
Bioelectricity (Blindsense, Shock for 1d4 Damage)

Choose two traits:
Size Increase (7' long, +4 HP)
Horn (1d4 Damage)
Pheromones (Turn Other Species)
Bioluminescence (Lighting up, Lure)
Ultraviolet Light Vision
Eye Stalks
Watertight Skin (+4 HP, Can Leave Water)
Crushing Beak (3d4 Damage)
Wicked Tentacle Hooks (2d4)
Bioelectricity (Intraspecies Communication)

>>9133840
Size increase! ALWAYS!

>>9133840
Size increase. Watertight skin.

WE SHALL WALK THE LAND.

>>9133840
Size
watertight skin

rolled 2, 1 = 3

>>9133840
SIZE INCREASE AND CRUSHING BEAK, BECOME THE KRAKEN

It's not what you do with it, it's the size that counts! Oh wait...

>>9133840
SIZE IS ALWAYS NEEDED

also, waterproof skin, so that we can eat coconuts.

rolled 3, 3, 2, 4, 2, 3 = 17

>>9133840

Size and intraspecies communication. We're getting to be a big group of derps, we need some way better than crabdoodles to communicate.

Size
Bioluminescence

rolled 1, 1 = 2

watertight skin
bioelectricity

>>9133898
I'm trying to imagine this, and it's a hilarious mental image.

Due to your diet of dead crabs - willingly given up by your loving crab buddies - and smaller molluscs, you grow to seven feet in length! You now have 22 HP.

rolled 1, 2 = 3

>>9133917
we have a beak and tentacles

>>9133840
Bioelectricity and size!

size tentacles

Bioluminescence and crushing beak!

>>9133926
Is that supposed to make the thought of a hook-tentacled derpapuhs chomping on a coconut, on the beach a less hilarious sight?

>>9133917
>>9133899
This.

I want to see us munching coconuts and hitting on hot terrestrial babes.

Biolure thing and xray vision

MOAR LAND WALKING

WE NEED COCONUTS

rolled 1, 1 = 2

even if we never leave the water, the watertight skin will likely lead to more armor

You evolve watertight skin, but your kin are not aware of this. The crabs - now numbering sixty - have been wandering up onto the beach with increasing frequency the past few days. You see what they're after: some dead thing washed up on shore. But a large, dark shape drifts down from the bright blue above and scares them off.

Also, strange shapes are drifting around the stromatolites. The crabs have never been there, and neither have your kin.

Oh, what to do?

>>9134023
It DOES give +4 HP!

>>9133935
You're a god. Just wanted to let you know that.

>>9134034
stromatolites!!!

>>9134034
What's our other trait?

>>9134038
Because it's tough and rubbery. And what it leads to is pure goodness. Multiple paths, really.

>>9134061
size
>>9133923

into the maze before we become way too large to fit in.

>>9134034
Ask the crabs to analize the shapes and come back to me with a report.

>>9134097
This.

>>9134061
You just evolved watertight skin and size. Your species has the following traits:

22 HP
7' Length
Six Arms
Serrated Beak (2d4 Damage)
Two Hooked Tentacles (1d4 Damage)
Pheromones (Appeasement)
Colour Vision
Bioelectricity (Blindsense, Shock for 1d4 Damage)
Watertight Skin

>>9134034
Investigate the creatures. As long as they aren't humans we can probably grab them with out tentacles and drown them beneath the water.

We investigate the stromatolites.

Upon our next evolution we evolve the crushing beak, for easier coconut munchin'.

>>9134034
I vote the lands unexplored by either, to the mysterious lands of stromatolites!

We will go to shore and eat the dead thing!

>>9134093
this

Looks like we're pretty divided. Do we roll for it?

Begin the invasion of the land once we are 10 feet tall.

If we come out in china we will be twice the size of the average human.

>>9134183

Agreed, I vote for stromatolites!

>>9134177
Actually, it looks like 5 to 1 for stromatolites.

>>9134177
stromalites first. if we continue with hardening skin and increased size, we're not going to be able to fit into small areas any more.

To the stromatolites!

>>9134183
I can't imagine derp will be very impressive on land. Then again...

IT'S SLOWLY COMING THIS WAY
DRR... DRR... DRR...

stromatolites, and bring crabs with us if we do end up being too big so they can act as scouts

>>9134217
Ah. True.

>>9134254
Yes, we mustn't forget our helmets!

>>9134290
in b4 squids evolve to be blind and crabs evolve superior eyesight

(The most "advanced" life on the Derpuhpus World are strange versions of cartilagenous fish, molluscs and "crustaceans.)

You send ten crabs to the stromatolite maze to inspect. You look to another ten and ask to see their tools. Your species, up to that point, never really used any save for the crabs as helmets.

But before they can show you anything, they all begin to shudder and molt their old shells. As it turns out, they have multiple life stages. Now they're a bit larger and tougher. They grow to two feet across and have 10 HP.

Roll 1d for their new traits:
1-Rough Claw (1d4 Damage)
2- Horn (1d4 damage)
3- Bioelectricity (Blindsense and Shock 1d4 Damage)
4- Transparency (near invisibility)

>>9134318
Roll 1d4, sorry.

rolled 4 = 4

>>9134318

>>9134318
TRANSPARENCY
NINJA CRABS

rolled 3 = 3

>>9134318
heres for camoflauge

rolled 2 = 2

>>9134318

Come on, electricity!

rolled 3 = 3

>>9134318
GO CRABBUDDIES

EVOLVE

EVOLVE LIKE YOU FUCKING MEAN IT

>>9134344

Fuck yes, being near invisible will help when we use them as scouts.

>>9134344
Wow. That blew me away.

>>9134344
Kickass!

WE ARE HUGE AND STEALTHY
SNEAK AND TEAR

rolled 1 = 1

ninjacrabs! gogogo

>>9134318

INVISIBLE CRAB ARMOR
"OH GOD, THE BULLETS ARE JUST BOUNCING OFF THEM!"

rolled 4 = 4

>>9134318

rolled 4 = 4

>>9134318
GOGO TRANSPARENCY

rolled 2 = 2

>>9134318
Gonna guess you meant 1d4

rolled 3 = 3

FUCK YEAR INVISIBLE CRAB MAIL.

rolled 4 = 4

>>9134318
bioelectricity

INVISIBLE CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABS

INVISIBLE CRABSSSSSS!

You can only stare in awe as the opague shells are shed by strangely transparent crabs. They offer you their tools to examine, completely oblivious to the reaction you bear to their new state of being.

You study the tools and develop a bit of abstract thought. You pass the tools to your kin and they begin to develop the same train of thought.

If you find any workable stone and/or wood, you can create a rudimentary kit of tools, such as a hammerstone, a choppy blade, a sharpened stick, and maybe even a crude harpoon.

The now-transparent crab team you sent out returns with a scribble etched on a chunk of shell. It looks like one of the hagfish, only with really long barbels sticking out around its mouth and a long bulge running along its side. Being a two-dimensional scribble, it's a bit hard to tell.

The crabs said it smelled so bad they had to leave. But this smelly hagfish was apparently able to hold its own against the scorpions that dwelled in the maze.

What will you do now, Father?

Invisible crab spies ahoy. We send them deep into the stromatolite forest.

rolled 4 = 4

We should have 26, watertight is +4 size is +4 we had 18

>>9134593
>scorpions and deadly hagfish

we might wanna just avoid that place, ya-know? sounds like a bad neighborhood.

unless anyone wants to actually try to explore there.

Make crab harpoons. That way, the crabs can take care of a good number of hagfish and possibly harpoons

>>9134593
STINKY HAGFISH AND POISONOUS SCORPIONS?! WE SHALL SLAY THEM BOTH AND CLAIM THEIR POWERS!

>>9134593

Don't bother with the hagfish yet, we need more derpuhpi before derpcest might negatively affect our evolution.

>>9134593
Uhhh scorpions? That's news to me.

The hagfish fucking suck, but if they're evolving they could become a nuisance.

WAR OF EXTERMINATION GO.

>>9134641
The scorpions may not attack. The hagfish, knowing what we've so far, probably just yells "HEY NIGGA" at you when you pass by.

>>9134651
I mean harpoons for the now transparent crabs, not harpoons out of crabs.

>>9134593
Ask him how'd he avoid them.

Guys, if we breed to much we can't ensure we'll all evolve the same, and we certainly don't want competition.

>>9134593
Find the fish and stab / clamp it in the bulge.

It's either some weapon (scent / electricity) weapon, or an infected wound. Either way we should kill it.

It's battle prowess makes me tempted to propose an alliance, but I think we should keep strictly to crustaceans and other squidbeasts.

>>9134677
The crabs are transparent.

>>9134680
CORRECT

LET US EXPLORE UNDERWATER MORE TO FIND FE-MALES

>>9134682

You don't want an alliance with hagfish anyways, they bring down property values.

>>9134682
>>9134707
But if we kill him, they might declare war against us.

Kill the hagfish, absorb its power. There can be only one.

I still say we exterminate the hated hagfish before they start lowering our property values.

Then again.. there's still those delicious coconuts...

BITCHES AND TO THE SURFACE

When pressed for info, the crabs scribbled in the sand, showing squiggly lines emanating from the hagfish's bulge and going over the scorpion's faces. The scorpions were scuttling away.

The scorpions you've seen in the distance, traversing the sands to get from one stromatolite maze to another further out. Three feet long, two pairs of pincers and a third, smaller pair for a mouth. Their stinger's pretty big, and they can travel out of water. You don't know if they can stay out of water or not, though.

>>9134744
COCONUTS ARE TOP PRIORITY

WOMMENZ ARE PRIORITY 2

HAGFISH ARE PRIORITY 3

>>9134737
These are really starting to decline in quality.

THE OCEAN IS OUR TERRITORY, AND ALL WITHIN IT SHALL BOW TO US. ADVANCE ON THE HAGFISH WITH IT'S FOUL STENCH AND MAKE IT'S DEATH AN EXAMPLE TO THOSE THAT WOULD DARE CROSS US.

>>9134771
This.

This thread is autosaging like a motherfucker.

Send the crabs to negotiate an alliance with the scorpions, and then clear their lands of hagfish

We recruited the crabs, we shall recruit the scorpions!

>>9134763

If scorpions can get out of the water, we could evolve from that! Eat one!

>>9134803
Well, we are at 342 posts.

>>9134763
Motherfucking scorpions. I want a scorpion to be caught and brought to me, so that I'll kill him and absorb his shit

>>9134669
Scorpions first evolved in the sea, believe it or not. Brontoscorpius, I believe the genus is called.

>>9134805
Alliancism!

Anyone know how to archive a thread? I'll start a second one.

Save the scorpions, kill the hagfish, get coconuts

>>9134805
Thing is; the crabs are much smaller and weaker, and asked for our helped, when we proceeded to help. Scorpions won't be as friendly.

>>9134746
Fuck the surface, we need to become the kraken - Lord of the Seas, sinker of ships.

Not some landsquid that gets killed via humans.

Also, new thread soon or what?

My contribution.

>>9134828
SEA SCORPIONS ARE NOT THE SCORPIONS WHICH EXIST TODAY. THEY ARE A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ANIMAL AND ARE NOT RELATED IN ANY WAY.

BIOLOGY RAAAAGE

>>9134849
Yeah. I hate to be the one to stereotype, but everyone knows scorpions are assholes.

>>9134777

I didn't think they had anywhere to fall from in the first place!

>>9134805
>>9134833
DO THIS

SCORPIONS AND CRABS SHALL HERALD OUR GLORY

>>9134855
This should work better.

>>9134837
http://4chanarchive.org/

>>9134837
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive.html

Scroll waaaaaaaaay down for the request interface.

Check to see if someone's done it already, though.

>>9134828
English "thunder scorpion"

FUCKING THUNDER SCORPION BITCHES

http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/requestinterface.html

Thread is archiving, but here's where you go to do it in the future.

Oh fuck, I just googled to see what hagfish look like. Kill those mother fuckers, god damn they're an abomination

STart a new thread and link us to it.

>>9134960
This indeed.

>>9135028
NEW THREAD, HURRY!

>>9134952
Hagfish are fucking awesome.

HELLO SIR
DO YOU LIKE BREATHING?

TOO FUCKING BAD, HERE'S A GILL FULL OF MUCUS