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  • File : 1270836930.jpg-(310 KB, 700x858, dwarfpickaxe.jpg)
    310 KB Anonymous 04/09/10(Fri)14:15 No.9086807  
    Alright, lads, get yuir picks outta yuir ears and have a listen. T'day yeh lot o' youngins're gonnae learn th' right way tae care for yuir beards.

    A beard be a dwarf's pride an' joy, a sign o' his manhood an' ov'rall clan spirit - s'why we shave criminals, tae mark 'em out as folks tae be shunned. A dwarf wi' a nice full beard, aye, now that's a lad what's got some respect from his mates - not tae mention some keen eyes sent his way from th' wimminfolk.

    Now those ootside th' mountain clans, like th' humans an' those pansy elven arseholes, they think we dwarves're all a bunch o' unkempt an' slovenly drunks. An' they couldnae be further off th' truth, aye? Havin' a full beard's good, true, but if yeh dinnae care for it, yeh might as well shave it off, as a beard yeh dinnae keep lookin' good be hardly a beard at all.

    Have yeh any questions afore I begin, lads?
    >> Anonymous 04/09/10(Fri)14:16 No.9086815
    What is your stance on gratuitous beard stroking, oh learned one?
    >> Anonymous 04/09/10(Fri)14:24 No.9086902
    There be nothing wrong wi' running yuir fingers through yuir beard, no more than doin' th' same tae yuir hair. S'kinda relaxin'; t'is why yeh often see scholars strokin' their beards tae help 'em think.

    Indeed, a few o' th' ladyfolk even enjoy doin' so tae a lad they have a fancy toward, as I'm sure a few o' yeh older lads have found in yuir flirtin', heheh.

    Mind yeh, I'm talkin' o' th' literal meanin' o' th' term, not some sort o' that youngster's slang - for that kinda meanin', yeh'd best ask yuir mum and da' or somesuch.
    >> Anonymous 04/09/10(Fri)14:39 No.9087030
    Right, well, 'ere we go. Th' first thing tae remember is this... Unless yeh be neck-deep in rockdust an' mud from minin' an' stonecuttin' or covered in soot an' smoke from blacksmithin' an' forgin' an' got nae way o' gettin' tae a tub o' water tae scrub up, there's nae excuse tae be goin' aroun' wi' a grimy beard in public. Wash yuirselves, yeh filthy gremlins.

    An' I hope th' lot o' yeh hae th' common sense tae feed yuirselves wit'oot sloppin' ale an' stew down yuir fronts like some wee bairn. Still, if yeh do spill a bit, wipe up what yeh can quick, an' excuse yuirselves tae the lad's privy tae wash up when yeh get a moment tae do so.

    An' bein' drunk is nae an excuse. First off, yeh should have the sense tae know when yeh hae had too much and learn tae stop. Show some dwarven pride, lads, dinnae make a soddin' fool of yuirself and make yuirself look bad, nae t' mention make yuir kin an' clan look bad by extension.
    >> Gnollbard !aDIap4MeRg 04/09/10(Fri)14:42 No.9087072
    Yessir! Please, more! Even we have to learn how to keep our beards in good shape!
    >> Anonymous 04/09/10(Fri)14:53 No.9087183
    Next thing yeh gotta know - braidin'. Oi, quit yuir snickerin', yeh lot in th' back row. Braids dinnae be just for the lasses, yeh know. They be a further sign about yuirself - a lad what takes th' time tae braid his beard, well, that be a lad who's patient an' focused. Mind yeh, yeh dinnae have tae braid yuir beard, but if yeh do, there not be many oot there t'would look down on yeh for it.

    If yeh are lucky enough tae have a good many years behind yeh an' grow a long enough beard, yeh are almost expected tae braid, if only so's yeh dinnae trip over yuir own beard as yeh walk. An elder dwarf wi' many braids in his beard, aye, that's one yeh had damn well best listen to, on account o' him havin' a lot or years worth o' wisdom tae give.

    Also, for those of yeh workin' in th' forge an' smith, braidin' be kinda a safety measure. It be far easier tae tuck a few braids behind yuir workman's apron than tae try workin' around all that hot steel an' glowin' coals an' not set yuir beard afire. S'just common sense, after all.
    >> Gnollbard !aDIap4MeRg 04/09/10(Fri)14:58 No.9087242
    I gnoll I haven't a long enough beard to braid, yet, but... it something I shall beard in mind!

    >> Anonymous 04/09/10(Fri)15:01 No.9087279
    Your knowledge is making me stand in awe, oh great learned one. I have a question though.

    I believe my beard is on fire. It is rather painful, too. What do I do to extinguish it ?
    >> Anonymous 04/09/10(Fri)15:01 No.9087283

    Oi, who let that raggy thing slip intae me class? Off wi' yeh, yeh grungy bugger! This be a dwarf-only invite, yeh hear me? Off wi' yeh, now, off wi' yeh!
    >> Anonymous 04/09/10(Fri)15:03 No.9087304

    ...Lad, if yeh ever hae tae ask that question o' anybody, jes go on an' let yuirself burn, as yeh be too bloody daft tae be worth savin' in th' first place.
    >> Anonymous 04/09/10(Fri)15:05 No.9087331
    Yes, great beardmaster. I shall stand in place and wait for it to extinguish.
    >> Anonymous 04/09/10(Fri)15:07 No.9087364


    ...Moradin's mighty hammer, how'd an idjit like yeh ever live long enough tae learn tae speak? ...wait, dinnae answer that, I be afraid yeh might tell me.
    >> Gnollbard !aDIap4MeRg 04/09/10(Fri)15:10 No.9087395
    Would you believe me if I said I am a dwarf?
    >> Anonymous 04/09/10(Fri)15:19 No.9087522
         File1270840743.jpg-(83 KB, 480x640, 1256891105739.jpg)
    83 KB
    Alright, everyone, please turn your attention towards me and listen. Today, you promising youths are going to learn a proper set of techniques for caring for your beards.

    A beard is a dwarf's pride and joy, a sign of his maturity and integrity. This is why we shave criminals: to mark them out as folks to be shunned. A dwarf with a kempt, full beard garners respect from his friends and colleagues, and his appeal in the eyes of the fairer sex is increased as well.

    Those outside of our mountain homes, including the ever-exploring humans and the nature-tending elves, believe us to be untidy and slovenly alcoholics. This is an incorrect stereotype. Having a full beard is for the best, true, but if you cannot devote your time to care for it, you might as well shave it off. A beard that does not contribute towards your aesthetics in a positive light is culturally not a beard at all.

    Are there any questions, anyone?
    >> Anonymous 04/09/10(Fri)15:20 No.9087554
    Nae, boyo, nae even a bit - I kin see th' straps holdin' yuir beard on. Also th' waggy tail pokin' oot the back o' yuir tunic. Now shoo afore I beat yuir pikin' head in like a lump o' badly-smelted copper.
    >> Anonymous 04/09/10(Fri)15:21 No.9087556
    What would you do if you found a basket with a baby girl drow in it? What would you name her?
    >> Anonymous 04/09/10(Fri)15:22 No.9087571
    so many apostrophes
    oh god
    >> Gnollbard !aDIap4MeRg 04/09/10(Fri)15:23 No.9087597
    ... Can I at least listen at the door?
    >> Anonymous 04/09/10(Fri)15:26 No.9087672
    A few o' yeh, I am sure, likely be wonderin' about moustaches an' sideburns an' such. Well, first off, I hae yet tae see a lad wi' a good stout beard that dinnae also have a well-groomed moustache as well. Jus' like findin' an ore vein wi' gems in it, a moustache only adds tae the worth o' a good beard. Same wi' sideburns, though for most dwarves, th' whole lot o' it tends tae run together tae make a single item rather than hae any clear lines between where th' beard an' th' other two stop or begin.

    As for goatees... they be for th' goats an' rams, nae th' face o' a proud dwarf. The closest a true dwarven beard should ever come tae being touched by a blade it jus' a small pair o' groomin' shears tae clip away stray hairs an' keep yuirself from goin' all bushy an' wild-like.

    One thing tae take note of be how some humans grow oot so-called "neckbeards" as a way tae imitate our race's proud appearance. This, I dinnae have complaint wi', an' truth be told, it be kinda flatterin' in an odd sorta way, seein' the tall buggers try tae copy us. But there be no point nor need at all for a true dwarf tae ever wear one of those things - it be like mockin' yuir heritage. The humans, they dinnae ken any better, so it isnae as bad, but a dwarf wearin' one o' those halfarsed things just be downright insultin'.
    >> Captain Baha 04/09/10(Fri)15:28 No.9087716
    Bearded One, I have a question.

    What do Dwarves more then anything else?
    Is it money? Alcohol? Weapons?
    And how do you show that you are the biggest, baddest, most powerful motherfucking Dwarf there is?
    >> Anonymous 04/09/10(Fri)15:30 No.9087753
    Och, fine, do as yeh will, jes' keep quiet as yeh do. Yuir voice, it be gratin' on me ears.
    >> Anonymous 04/09/10(Fri)15:46 No.9088014
    Jus' tae be sure, have yeh any questions? Truth told, I'm largely playin' by ear, lads, an' am runnin' out o' things tae think of that I havenae yet already discussed.
    >> Gnollbard !aDIap4MeRg 04/09/10(Fri)15:50 No.9088069
    P'rhaps ye could... ah... tell us ab't... puttin' things like beads an' bones an' suchlike into ahr beards?

    Sorry fr' talkin, greatbeard...
    >> Anonymous 04/09/10(Fri)16:05 No.9088295
    Eh, I'll forgive yeh for it, as t'was a good question.

    While I cannae speak much in the part about bones, as it sound rather like somethin' one o' the primitive races like orcs an' such might do, there's nothin' wrong wi' stringin' beads or othersuch trikets in one's beard, so long as there's a meanin' behind it. Twinin' wee baubles all over yuirself where-ever yeh feel like puttin' 'em just looks daft, but yeh hae quite a story tae tell if each o' those bits an' bobs has a point tae bein' there.

    Some soldiers twist small ribbons an' medallions intae their beards tae symbolize their rank, or how many enemies they've beaten, or things like that. A skilled stonecutter might weave loops in his beard around tiny ornate carvings of rare stone as a way tae advertise his talents when traveling abroad. Hells, I even once ken a clan elder who was so proud o' his five sons that he clipped bits o' hair from their beards as they first grew in, an' kept the trimmin's in wee glass vials wi' their names etched on 'em, nested in his beard
    >> Gnollbard !aDIap4MeRg 04/09/10(Fri)16:18 No.9088504
    Oooohhh... that's neat!

    Another question, greatbeard! Have you ever seen a dwarf use his beard as a sheath for his weapon?
    >> Anonymous 04/09/10(Fri)16:22 No.9088567
    All in all, lads, if yeh hae been payin' a keen ear tae what I've been tellin' yeh, they I'm sure yeh are gonna be proud an' proper lookin' examples o' fine dwarven men as yeh grow up and yuir beards come intae their prime.

    Like I said, a dwarf's beard be his pride an' joy, an' if yeh respect yuirself an' want others tae do the same, then by the Great Forge, yeh damn well better look the part, aye?
    >> Anonymous 04/09/10(Fri)16:26 No.9088617
    Nae, lad, though I did once hear tale o' a clan o' dwarven monks somewhere over the western sea who'd fix great iron balls tae their beards an' fight by swingin' the things around like flail-heads. How they did that wit'oot tearin' their beards off by the roots, I dinnae ken. But that be the tale I heard noneth'less.
    >> Anonymous 04/09/10(Fri)16:30 No.9088670
    This thread makes me happy
    >> Anonymous 04/09/10(Fri)16:37 No.9088806
    Right, lads. I've said all I've got tae say on me own for now. However, I dinnae mind stickin' around a bit tae answer any questions yeh might still have.
    >> Anonymous 04/09/10(Fri)16:38 No.9088827
    Okay, Mr. Dwarf, I have a question. I'm part of the aforementioned group of "neckbeards." It's really a matter of me just not wanting to shave than anything. When my beard grows in, though, it does so unevenly. If you shine a light near it, you can clearly see where the density of bear hair differs. It looks a little neater when I keep it short, as it becomes unnoticeable. Should I keep it short to look tidy, or grow it out for maximum beardliness?
    >> Anonymous 04/09/10(Fri)16:39 No.9088841
    Fighting through beardbanging. That is totally awesome.
    >> Anonymous 04/09/10(Fri)16:44 No.9088936
    Eh, some folks just be cursed wi' bein' unable tae grow a proper full beard. There's nae much yeh kin do tae change that. But if yeh say it looks neater wi' a short trim, then go ahead an' clip it close as yeh need tae do so. Even a full beard dinnae look good if it isnae growin' in proper.
    >> Anonymous 04/09/10(Fri)17:00 No.9089223
    neckbeards are fucking disgusting
    if shaving is annoying get a beard trimmer or a hair clipper like the one you barber uses to trim your sideburns (they are like $10 at walmart) and use it without the guard and shave that fucker. its not an extremely close shave and it will leave some stubble but it only takes 5 seconds to do causes no irratation or pull at your hair like actual electric razors and it will increase your attractiveness 100x guaranteed
    >> Anonymous 04/09/10(Fri)17:20 No.9089585
    bump for beardy win.

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