I used to have a DM just like this. Every third treasure chest was a mimic or rigged to explode or some shit like that. It eventually got more tiring than anything.

Paladin 2/Monk X with lightning reflexes, great fortitude, iron will and the greater version feats...like a boss.

>Spend four sessions fighting through dungeon
>Turns out whole dungeon was an illusion cast by a wizzard
>Entire party was actually asleep, sharing dream
>Since we were all just dreaming, none of us actually get to keep any of the XP we gained
>GM's face

>>13320746

Shit, that's just mean.

>>13320746
The XP are for challenge no for killing something in the phisical world.

>>13320776
This.

>>13320776
>>13320803
Uh huh, that's why I'm just as good in real life at all the things I've done in my dreams

>>13320746
Please tell me you fucking murdered the shit out of that DM.

Please?

>>13320810

>I bet you the D.M would have let them die...if they can die they can get X.P

>>13320820

We came close.

Trust me, we came close.

The master shouldn't be our enemy, because if they want to win...they win.

Ten thousand Balors appear and rape your asses...done

>>13320828
Yes, if they could die then the DM would have had no grounds to pull the "It's a dream" stuff (Not that he should have in the first place)

Unless dying in their dream made them die in real life but that would have required actual planning which I doubt the DM did.

So I believe I told you guys a bit of this story in an "off the rails" thread a few months back and told you I would eventually tell you the full story at some point. Seems like this is as a appropriate a thread as any.

So I was given the opportunity to DM for my group, since our usual DM was out of the state. I was rather concerned at first, since one of our regular players loves intentionally trying to derail quests, and commonly rolls up Chaotic Evil characters just for the sake of raping women we're supposed to save, selling quest important items to merchants in the night, killing people who we were in the middle of reasonable negotiations with, that sort of stuff. A few days before my first session as DM, I came up with a great way to properly punish him if he tried to pull that kind of thing during my campaign.

(Continued)

The players were sent on a quest by an old man to save his kidnapped daughter. He explained to the party that his daughter was a thief, and she had recently attempted to steal an important magic item from a powerful circle of wizards. When she was caught, each of the wizards placed a different curse on her before kicking her out of their tower. The old man went to the tower and negotiated with the Wizards, who ultimately agreed to give him an amulet that will undo the curses in return for her agreeing to marry one of the wizards' nephews. Pretty basic stuff- unfortunately, when the old man returned with the amulet he found that his daughter had been kidnapped by a group of bandits who commonly raid the town in their latest attack, and so he contracted the party to rescue her.

The party traveled down to the bandits' camp and killed the bandits with little trouble. However, things got a bit interesting when the party found the young woman they were sent to rescue tied up, and the previously mentioned player (Who had, as expected, rolled a chaotic evil fighter) loudly declared that "The Old Man offers but a pittance for a job like this. I intend to claim a prize of my own before we leave."

The party rolled their eyes in unison as, once again, the player announced his intention to rape someone.

(Continued)

>>13320918
Generally GM's who make it them vs the players try to keep things close to the actual challenge rating, otherwise it isn't fun for them.

Our party's paladin explained to the fighter that, no, he wasn't going to let him rape the captive.

However, though reluctant at first, the captive thief catches the paladin off guard by saying that she's willing to have sex with the fighter.

The player is delighted to hear that the captive is willing to have sex with him, and goes down on her while the rest of the party looks on with disapproval.

The sex doesn't last too long though, as shortly after it begins the thief apologises to the fighter, and tells him that she should have warned him, but she was worried she would never have sex again.

The player gives me a confused look.

I simply respond, "You discover all too late that one of the several curses placed on the thief was 'Whore's Blight,' which causes it's victim's vagina to grow a carnivorous row of razor-sharp teeth during intercourse."

The player fails his roll, and his penis is severed as the teeth bite down.

(continued)

>>13320918
Ah, the good ol' Balorian buttfuck migration. I haven't seen that one in a while, most of my GMs just use lightning from above or falling rocks.

>>13321238
singing vagina dentata to the hakuna matata tune

>>13320746
>>13320746
>>13320746
>>13320746
>>13320746
Thats fucking bullshit, I'm insanely pissed off right now. Do you still talk to him, have you shunned him, did you rip his intestines out?

We had a guy that we gave a chance to be DM and he pulled this parallel dimension bullshit where we were never actually in danger and it was all an illusion. Nedless to say we banned him from our group.

The quest is sidetracked for a while as the players take the fighter to the nearest town to find a healer capable of reattaching the fighter's severed penis. The fighter is in such excruciating pain that he can't walk, and all he can really do is holler curses to the thief as the party carries him to the nearest town.

After paying a healer in town to magically fix the the fighter's dismembered member, the first thing our chaotic evil friend does upon recovering is punch the thief girl in the face in a state of rage.

Which, thanks to another one of her curses, causes both her and the fighter to go blind for the next three hours.

The plays guide their two guided friends through the woods back to the thief girl's village, but a group moderately sized of bandits who had fled the camp when the heroes arrived begin coming down the path, searching for their escaped captive. In no real condition to fight with both one of their party members and the girl they're protected blinded, the party decides to hide in the bushes until the bandits have safely passed.

It's around this time that the sun goes down, which triggers another one of the thief's curses. A large swarm of bees quickly swarms the party, giving away their position to the bandits.

With one party member blinded, the party valiantly fights off bandits while being attacked by angry bees. Miraculously, they survive the attack.

(continued)

>>13321238
I thought "going down on someone" meant oral.

>>13321262
You, good sir, win the internet!

>>13321262
All I got so far is:
Vagina Dentata! What a wonderful phrase
Vagina Dentata! Ain't no passing craze
It means no sex for the rest of your days
It's our pleasure-free philosophy

Lyrics here: http://www.lionking.org/lyrics/OBCR/HakunaMatata.html

Someone else want to help out?

>>13321386
nobody likes overly drawn-out jokes

Even after killing the bandits, the party still finds themselves being chased through the forest by bees. Fleeing bees proves to be difficult when you also have to guide two blind people along the way.

Beaten, battered, and tired, the party and the thief reach the town shortly after the bees have stopped attacking and both the fighter and the thief's blindness has worn off. The Old man is ecstatic to hear that his daughter has been returned safely, and pays them as promised. The thief girl is also happy when she is given the pendant and is told that all of her curses are negated as long as she wears it, though she is slightly less so when she learns that her father promised one of the Wizard's nephews her hand in marriage to get it. She retreats to her room without saying a word.

Seeing how tired the party is from the journey, the old man offers for the adventurers to stay at his place to rest for the rest of the night, and they happily agree.

In the morning they awake to found that the thief girl took the pendant and made off during the night to avoid having to marry, but not before stealing a bunch of their supplies.

>>13321406
The bees thing was a biiiit much I think, punishing the entire party and all. Otherwise I applaud you good sir.

>>13321406

Did you make up the curses beforehand, and the chaotic derpshark fighter fell into them just-as-planned, or was this a "make-them-up-on-the-spot-to-dick-over-chaotic-derpsharks" sort of deal?

>>13321192
>>13321211
>>13321238
>>13321324
>>13321406

>my face throughout this entire story

>>13321406

Okay, it's fine to punish the retard fighter, but when you steal MY shit and get ME involved in your little conflict, I will make it my personal mission to drop-kick your ass off a cliff.

>>13321423

I did, in fact, have all of the curses planned out before hand. There were actually several thet the party never got to saw (She turned to stone when wet, for example)

The bees may punished the entire party, but it's worth pointing out that the party would have reached the town before sunset had they not had to take time out fixing the fighter's severed penis.

With that said, it's also worth pointing out that the thief girl's curses were built to make bringer her back to town difficult for the party even if chaotic derpfighter hadn't gone full retard, it's just that the fighter sleeping with her and hitting her triggered two curses that made things more difficult than they otherwise would have been. They would have run into trouble bringing her back either way.

>>13321442

when I say "thier supplies" I mostly meant "the fighter's supplies" (Since she was still kind of pissed off at him hitting her.)

The only thing she stole that wasn't his was some gold and an item important to another quest that she would have made off with reguardless of the fighter being a dick.

>>13321473

how did she have sex without being wet?

>>13321192
>>13321211
>>13321238
>>13321324
>>13321406

Good show. I'm going to have to come up with a way to implement "Whore's Blight" at some point during one of my games.

>>13321526
Whore's Delight can be a lot of fun too you know

>>13321509

I think he means like, with water.

>>13321509
Pretty good chance the chaoticderp fighter had CHA as a dump stat.

>>13321509
Ranma shapechange wet, not Porn Star Wet.

>>13321492

All right, then.

>>13321509

Very painfully, I imagine.

>>13321406

I applaud you, good sir. That was pretty good.

Anyone else have any stories like this? Sinister DM stories have always been a personal favorite of mine.

Anyone else have any good stories they want to tell?

Sounds like a fun session to me...

>>13321442
It's partly the party's fault; they enable his kind of behaviour.

>>13321713

The paladin tries to stop derpfighter until cursedthief says that she wants to have sex with him, though. It's obvious that they don't really approve,

>>13321730
I think the whole situation helped to show the derp player that his stupid actions affect the party as a whole, regardless on whether they are directly involved or not. The last bandit fight would have been a LOT easier if the thief AND the fighter wasn't blind, let alone recovering from a broken penis. Bees? Yeah, shit sucks, but... Still. They probably would have made it back to the old man's village if they hadn't had to guide two blind people AND reattach a severed cock.

yoou guys, they didnt HAVE to attach the cock

Fuck... why would any of you play with some of the dicks from these stories?

Even though Derpfighter is a total douche.. at least it sounds like he kept his doucheing in character, which is.. kind of impressive. As it kept backfiring, and he kept doing it.

>>13320746
Something very similar once happened to me. Party wanders through the desert, finds the Mayan like pyramid we're looking for, go inside, everyone nearly dies, fight against BBEG ensues in which I die, roll up new character while rest of party 'kills' him. "You guys wake up in the inn you spent the night in, it was all a dream. Kyle, your druid isn't dead... oh, you erased the character sheet? Nevermind."

mary sue
weeaboo
these are you
eat a shrew

>>13321817

Yeah, if this ever happened to me I have a bad feeling that my party would just go "well shame about your penis, but we gotta get this quest done. Maybe some other time."