Then we met the Noid. You may be thinking, "the Dominos thing?" Yes. We met a marketing slogan. It basically functioned like Mr. Mxyzptlk from Superman. Cue "Oh, God. The DM's on drugs" sequence.

So, we end up in a colosseum, and cursed versions of our characters' desires (collected before the session) start trying to kill us. There are magical copies of the Noid shouting "Noid! Noid! Noid!" Our CE Shardmind finds his undead army, which immediately starts trying to eat him. Our CE warlock finds the dead babies he swore to eat, and they turn out to be zombie babies that are also facehuggers (did NOT see that part coming). Our scythe-loving shifter finds the enchanted sickle she wanted, but it floats in the air and sings as it tries to slice her in half. And I appear next to a tub of wine.

Now, you should know about my character. It's my first dwarf, a druid. I decided that, since this campaign has some newbies and it's my first dwarf, that this dwarf is going to be the UberDorf. He drinks, he sings, he drinks, he hits on women, he drinks, the psychic probes of his mind find nothing but images and desires for Ale'n'Whores, he drinks, he loves gold and the underground, and he has a bit of a drinking problem. Also, from time to time, he enjoys a sip of alcohol or two.

So, when the DM says I appear next to a tub of wine, I don't wait. Apparently, the wine was cursed to call out to me and entrance me into drinking. I didn't get to that part.

DM: "There is a tub of wine here. It sparkles in the light, and you hear--"
Me: "I drink the wine."
DM: "--a voi...what?"
Me: "I drink the wine. All of it."
DM: "O...ok. You begin to drink, but the wine doesn't disappear. The level stays the same."
Shifter: "It's a never-ending tub of wine?"
DM: "Yup. And since you gave in willingly to the curse, you're going to take a penalty to res--"
Me: "I drink the wine. All of it. Forever."

So, while my comrades are nearly dying fighting their cursed dreams, my dwarf is in Heaven. I roll a critical success to break the curse (because the DM made me roll) on my second turn, but, not willing to break character, I dunk my head back into the wine, interrupting long enough to chant with the Sub-Noids, "Noid! Noid!" *SLUUUUURRRRP* "Noid! Noid!"

The DM is obviously displeased, because he expected me to resist his curse. I explained to him that this is not a curse, to a Dorf. This is everything my character has ever dreamed of, since he was a little teetotaler Dorfling. He tried to tell me that there's no honor in dying of alcohol poisoning, to which I replied that this was the equivalent of Dwarven Valhalla. After a few moments, he admitted that this was, actually, fully in-character, that anything but drinking the wine would have been metagaming, and that yes, any REAL dwarf, when faced with an infinite amount of alcohol, no matter the circumstances, would attempt to drink every last drop, and LOVE EVERY SECOND.

Still, he disapproved of me not trying to battle the Noid. So, I said I'd help the others. I reminded the Shardmind that he had specifically asked for an undead army that followed his commands, which was the key to his puzzle (he ordered them to leave, so they did. Puzzle solved). I explained to the shifter that since the sickle danced out of the way every time she tried to harm/subdue it, and was singing, she should dance up to it (and when she waltzed, it waltzed in time. She grabbed it, and its malicious spell was broken). I would have said something to the warlock, but he had cast a fire spell on his own innards to burn away the orphan-infection, then belched the remaining fire out of his mouth to destroy the zombaby that was depositing orphanmonsters into his belly. Really, there was nothing to add at that point. So, two out of three.

The Noid, seeing that three out of the four had solved their puzzles, and the fourth (me) was obviously enjoying his curse, decided that he had been defeated (partially because we had overcome our burdens, but also partially because we had spent a long time doing so, and the DM wanted to end the session before we risked playing until dawn). Realizing that my character had just been deprived of the most fulfilling and delightful experience of his life, I interrupted the Noid's speech every other sentence to attack. My character screamed and ranted incoherently. The Noid was never hit, of course. The rest of the group chuckled and continued with the scene as if I weren't shadowboxing with a magic imp.

The Noid offered us boons. The Shardmind got an undead army (which turned out to be an army of undead...mice), the warlock got the Eye of Vecna (which turned out to be a false eye made of wood...he discovered that after plucking out his left eye and putting it into the socket. Badass as that is, the splinters hurt. A lot), and our shifter got a Bag of Holding that could produce any weapon she desired (except that the Bag's opening was no bigger than an inch. So, darts or nothing).

The Noid was displeased with me for not fighting its curse, so it gave me something even worse: a neverending flagon of demon wine. The DM took his time describing how horrible it tasted, how it was like cat piss mixed with horse feces mixed with demon spooge, etc etc etc (he went on for at least two minutes. I think it was therapeutic for him). At the end of that description, he made me take 1d6 of damage for the pain that the demonwine inflicted on my mouth, esophagus, stomach, and (presumably) the rest of my digestive system. I narrowed my eyes suspiciously.

Me: "..."
DM: "..."
Me: "...but is it alcoholic?"
DM: "It's demonic, and addictive. If you don't have at least a gulp every 24 hours, you will die. You will continue to take 1d6 damage per gulp."
Me: "...but is it alcoholic?"
DM: "...yes. It's horrible demon wine, it's addictive, and it causes you harm, but it is alcoholic."
Me: "A GLORIOUS GIFT! I thank the Noid!"

The rest of the group burst out laughing. Our shifter had the brilliant idea of going to the dwarven lands (I'm still not up on my Eberron. Khorvaire, right?) and selling gulps of my magically addictive alcohol for money. I immediately realized that this would be an amazing idea. The other dwarves would be addicted to my demonwine. At 1 gold per gulp, I would be rich as shit! In fact...

Me: "I WILL BE KING OF DORFOPOLIS!"
DM: "You'll kill them all. They will die for this wine."
Me: "AND THEY'LL PAY FOR THE OPPORTUNITY! I'LL BE RICH!"
DM: "You'll cause the end of Dwarven civilization! The whole species will die off!"
Me: "AND THEY'LL LOVE ME FOR IT! LAST KING OF DORFLAND!"

The next twenty minutes consisted of our group laughing uproariously and plotting how I would destroy my entire species with this flagon, becoming unrealistically wealthy in the process. A nation's-worth of gold in the hands of one demonwine-peddling dwarven commoner. Admit it: even you simulationist types would allow broad swathes of dwarven society to fall victim to this curse.

After a while, we got back to playing. Everybody but me was complaining about their boons. One of them demanded a working version of her boon. The Noid laughed in her face, loudly and with its mouth open wide. I was seized with a moment of complete genius.

DM, miming Noid: "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA--"
Me: "I SPLASH MY WINE INTO ITS OPEN MOUTH!"
DM: "..."
Me: "..."
DM: "..."
Me: "Do you want me to roll for it?"
DM: "...I hate you."

The Noid, now irrevocably addicted to my flagon of wine, stares lustfully at it. The DM RPed this exactly, his eyes following my hand as I moved, as if it held the Holy Grail itself. The rest of the group was awestruck.

Me: "Now, if you would like to have another drink, ever, you will listen to me."
DM: "I could just make another."
Me: "You could," *moves hand, as the DM's eyes follow it around in a circle* "but how do you know that will sate your thirst for this? Perhaps you'll just gain another addiction."
DM: "...What do you want?"
Me: "I want a cure for myself, and a proper neverending flagon of real liquor."
Shifter: "You should ask for working versions of all of our gifts."
(I considered this for a moment. The LOLChaoticEvil guys had been dicks this session, but the shifter had been pretty cool)
Me: "...And a working version of (Shifter)'s gift."
LOLCEplayers: "HEY!"

The Noid, completely enthralled, granted me my cure, gave me a new neverending flagon of wine (delicious, ambrosia-like wine, this time. It's addictive to anybody else, but is just wine to me...so, you know, I'm willingly addicted), gave the shifter her magical weapon bag, gave the Shardmind a level-scaling undead-servant-generator (it starts with mice, since we're level 3. Eventually, it'll be generating a horde of Left4Dead tanks), and our warlock got the Eye of the Noid (because the Eye of Vecna would be fucking ridiculous at this point. I think the plan is that it'll scale with his level, ending up as powerful as the EoV). It drank heavily from the cursed flagon.

We had a good laugh, ended the session, and most of the group went off to drink and watch movies. The DM pulled me aside and explained that this had not gone anywhere near how he had planned. We weren't supposed to have gotten out of this with super-powered, nigh-gamebreaking items. He was pretty jovial about it, because I guess his policy is that as long as everybody's having fun, it's alright if the game turns into something completely Mary-Sue ridiculous. Personally, I respect the shit out of that policy. He also gave me bonus XP for being willing to sacrifice the group's survival in order to stay in character.

Anyway, he told me that he expects me to carry out my plan to use my flagon to get all of Dwarvenkind addicted to my brew, and that if possible, he would give us the chance to visit the dwarven lands (we're on the road to Thrane's capitol, right now, so it'd be down the line).

</story>

So, /tg/, my question is this: When and if we get to Dorflanta, how should I go about getting them all addicted? The Shardmind said to contaminate the water supply, but wouldn't it be best to make sure they all knew who was providing the wine, make them willingly drink it, and (perhaps most importantly) make them pay me for it? Should I set up a sort of lemonade stand on a street corner?

>>13158124
What's to stop desperate dwarves from just mugging you and taking it? Get people addicted bad enough, and you have an entire dwarf nation trying to kill you, or competitors trying to take over your business.
Honestly it doesn't sound like a winning strategy.

>>13158124

NO DWARF IS STRONG ENOUGH TO STOMACH THIS, THE GREATEST DRINK EVER MADE

FOR THE LOW COST OF 1 GOLD, YOU MAY TRY YOUR HAND AT THIS, THE STRONGEST ALE EVER.

Appeal to their pride.

this is fucking awesome.
I havnt had this much fun since i read the story about the guy who convinced his dm that opening a gate to the sun would destroy the planet (and then proceeded to do so)

You'll already have a wealth of gold from adventuran. When you get to dorfland, hire a bunch of peasants for dirt cheap and set up a factory line. (Later you can just pay them with sips of wine.) Rent out an old building, buy a ton of bottles, and just turn the flask upside down over a giant funnel or something. Peasants spend their day filling up bottles with the drink, you market it, boom, dorfland is addicted.

Eventually you won't even have to pay to upkeep your workers or factory line, since you can just pay them with gum... Er, wine.

>>13158134
That's why I came here for advice. The DM may think of these things. Our group might be able to fight off muggers, but I'd rather have a winning strategy from the start. Competition's not a problem, as who the fuck else is going to have magically addictive Noidwine?

>>13158138
>WHO DARES CHALLENGE THE MOST DELICIOUS ALCOHOL EVER?

Could work.

>>13158159
Dwarven Pepsi Co?

You think it's safe to pay Security with the wine?

>"I SPLASH MY WINE INTO ITS OPEN MOUTH!"
That is comedy gold right there, cerebrate! Captcha was right; this is indeed the fabled Andersen's bilarity!

Yeah, I think setting up a lemonade stand would be nice. Think of all the chaos! Put up a sign saying "(dorf name)'s Brew. First sip free, every other sip (insert a good sum of money here)".

>>13158182
You are going to want to try and disguise yourself. If you start on a small scale, it won't be long before people figure out whats going on (you are selling addictive substance). Unless your dm makes the entire dwarf nation a bunch of idiots, people will probalby try to stop you. You should set up shop in an area, make money, then leave and go do it again elsewhere. Otherwise your gona have some high level dwarf wizards raining on your parade.

>>13158182
Ragnar StakeBeard's Brew: One sip just isn't enough!

Yeah, I've had about one of those moments each session with this DM. He actually made a comment about how once a session, I say or do something that A) catches him completely off-guard, B) is genius, and C) completely circumvents something that could have been a TPK. He can be a brutal DM, but apparently I've been dancing us out of danger without even realizing it.

>>13158179
People drink Pepsi?

INCREDIBLE

/tg/ took the words right out of my mouth

Start with
>>13158159

And once word gets around about the foul brew, go the capitalist route with
>>13158138

Remember, though, you'll probably be shooting yourself in the foot, because eventually humans and other creatures are gonna get their hands on it, and eventually, religions may pop out around it (It IS a demonic brew, rituals WILL be discovered around it. Then all hell will break loose).

Cue apocolytic war caused by your greeeeeeed. But what a war it'll be. Nice job breaking DnD, OP, I salute you and your dwarfitude.

>>13158202
Won't that draw attention when the high-level Dorfizards realize that an entire city block suddenly dropped dead as soon as I left?

I'm under the impression that it's fatally addictive. You don't go through withdrawal. It's not a pussy drug like heroine or cocaine. This wine is the big leagues.

>>13158217
Hopefully, those things will all happen after my character has grown old and died, the richest absolute king of dwarven civilization ever.

If not, well...I suppose that's the next step in the campaign, eh?

>>13158217
Also, be honest about marketing it. It might not bug dwarves too much, but humans might get antsy and pissed off about being chained satans armpit sweat.

DEMON BREW
ACTUALLY BREWED BY DEMONS HOLY SHIT

CAUTION: IT'S ADDICTIVE AS FUCK AND IT TASTES LIKE SHIT AND YOU'LL BE DRINKING IT EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

ARE YOU DWARF ENOUGH

Also

Demonic Fetal Alcohol Syndrome

Man the more I consider this the more I realize you killed your world. And then if the DM acts a dick, he'll just cause the flagon to stop pouring, and suddenly you have an entire planet after your ass.

>>13158255
Note: Technically, it's not our world.

If it comes to that, we'll just storm what's left of the castle that brought us to Eberron and reactivate the Stargate. Maybe this Leap........will be the Leap home.

(Suddenly, I think a post-demonwine Eberron would be an interesting setting for a new campaign. Would the Nations unite against the threat, or fight over supplies? Would they even survive the Wine Wars?)

Coincidentally, if anybody has advice for how my pauper-poor dwarf from a generic 4e world should react to Eberron's dwarves, I'd love to hear it.

I, like most of our players, don't know much about Eberron (which is why the DM sent us there from outside of that reality...now we're playing in Eberron without being responsible for the history or anything, and it's entirely in-character). Are the dwarves more or less the same, here?

Alright then. Thanks for the input.

Can someone please screenshot these posts and post the image?

>>13158479
Too lazy to Print Screen and Paste?

>>13158496
Well, the alternative is simply pressing f5 until someone does it...

>>13158505

>>13158479
>>13158505
Fine. If it'll let me live on in Internet Fame forever... :P

(Forgive the crudity of this screencap. It's my first time making a pic from 4chan)

I'm pretty sure at least one setting has dwarves consider dying of alcohol poisoning be the same as dying in battle. Or maybe that was Order of the Stick...

>>13158585
Apparently, my DM didn't want that to be canon for us...but it is, now.

Heh. Just mentioned this thread to my brother.

Brother: "So, none of them objected to the idea of annihilating dwarven civilization?"
Me: "It's...It's 4chan."

>>13158661
I would have objected in-character, but whatever.

>>13158661

my character would have been mad that thousands of years of dorf tradition would die with our race.

OOCly, if it makes for a good story why not?

>>13158676
>>13158690
I haven't actually expressed any desire or plan to do this IC. At worst, my character is planning to sell sips of this alcohol for money and/or political gain. He's unaware of the DM fiat that doing so with the first flagon would have caused dwarven extinction.

>>13158354

Assuming that you are in the Western continent of Khorvaire, the dwarves that you should meet there should originate from the Mror Holds. Although that nation is politically unremarkable, according to page 35 of the 4th Edition Player's Guide, it is the flat-out wealthiest country in the entire planet. Their prosperity is founded upon the professions which the Mror dwarves specialize in; they are bankers, economists, currency minters, loan lenders, debt collectors, and other types of business-minded folk. They tend to be reserved and restrained, as well as comfortable around all other races, because the prime businessmen of the continent must be.

Three of the five roleplaying tips for playing a Mror dwarf from the 3.5 supplement that is Races of Eberron are as follows:

>Never accept an initial offer, regardless of the situation (trading, bargaining with an enemy, and so forth). There’s always room for negotiation.
>Keep a grim face while in public. Never reveal anything that could give anyone an advantage. When you are safely hidden with friends and family, you can let down your guard, relax, and enjoy yourself.
>If you’ve got it, flaunt it. Finely crafted weapons, jewelry, clothes—showing your wealth is a way of proving the success and power of your family to the world.

What is likely to happen to your character is that he will be bombarded with terms such as "installments," "interest," "insurance," and "percentages" upon offering his goods, and will quite possibly be finangled into an unfavorable deal to hand over effectively all of the profits from the alcohol.

>>13159486
I totally missed the Eberron thing. Attempting to use the wine to control select dwarves in the Mror Holds is probably going to backfire stupendously.

>>13159486
Whoa. So, my Ale'n'Whores Dorf is going to walk into the Dwarven lands and meet a bunch of lawyerdorfs in Armani suits?

There's gonna be some major culture shock to deal with. Maybe we can talk about this over a glass of wine...

>>13159537
Out of date but potentially useful: http://www.wizards.com/default.asp?x=dnd/ebds/20041108a

Keith Baker wrote Eberron, he's the author. Some stuff, like darkvision, probably doesn't apply anymore.

>>13159537
They're jewdorfs, so they're going to want to circumsize (sp) your dorf. with a MITHRIL AXE OF MY ANCESTOOOOOORS

>>13159609
"Ye wanna whaticize me? Now, just hold on, there. Have a drink and explain this to me."

>>13159537
You're going to get pound of fleshed.