the original
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/12995878/

>muft noaminew

DEAR A NEWBIE LICH,

TRADITIONAL IS BEST WITH PHYLACTERIES. CURRENT TRENDS ARE TIRESOME, FLEETING THINGS LIMITED TO THE WEAK OF MIND, NOT A PROPER MASTER OF DEATH. LICHES THESE DAYS HAVE NO SENSE OF TRADITION, ALWAYS MAKING THEIR PHYLACTERIES THINGS LIKE GRAINS OF SAND OR COINS OR AMULETS. NO, I RECOMMEND THAT YOU WRITE DARK PAEANS TO WHATEVER INFERIOR GOD YOU SERVE AND IMPRISON THEM WITHIN A WOODEN BOX.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

Some people say daisy chains, but that never seemed like it should work to me
Personally I'd just say a ring or small box or something and just hide it somewhere that normal people can't freely go. Just make sure that you yourself can confirm its location without causing too many problems

DEAR ABBY,

HELLO PROGENITOR. I THINK I'VE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE. AFTER WE MADE SOME HUMANS ON THIS 'GOLARION' PLANE, THEY WENT AND REBELLED, THE SCAMPS. SO I DROPPED A METEOR ON THEM. NOW ALL THE HUMANS ARE MISSING FROM THE WATERFRONTS, WHICH IS VERY INCONVENIENT. WHAT SHOULD I DO NOW?

SINCERELY,
YOUR SPAWN, ZIMMY

Dear Abby,

My compatriots and I are about to take our first steps out of a Dwarf Fortress and into the more watery depths of the Underdark. Do you have any advice on what we ought to bring so we do not get our brains eaten, our blood sacrificed, or enslaved by mind-ending horrors?

Sincerely yours,
First Time Writer, Long Time Fighter

>>13020666

DEAR ZIMMY,

ALTHOUGH I HAVE NO IDEA WHY YOU WOULD WANT OR NEED MORE HUMANS, BUT IT SEEMS AS THOUGH IF YOU'RE CAPABLE OF WRESTING THE SECRETS OF LIFE FROM THE GODS AND CO-OPTING THEIR CREATION ONCE, YOU CAN DO SO AGAIN. JUST MAKE SOME MORE HUMANS.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

P.S. PLEASE DON'T CONTACT ME THROUGH MY COLUMN IN THE FUTURE. YOU HAVE MY PRIVATE ADDRESS, YOU KNOW.

Dear Abby,

I am desperately searching of a way to become the leader of a small group of elite magicians. Where would you suggest I find these magicians, or how to go about gathering them?

Sincerely,
The Felt Lord

Dear Abby,

I've recently captured the princess and managed to crack open her chastity belt, but I am at a loss of what to do next.

Sincerely,
Fabulous BBEG

Dear Abby,

I'm attempting to kill all of parliament, and proceed to world domination. I can't do real magic, but I HAVE set up some nasty trickery, and I DID have a device to gas all of Parliament with. I hit something of a hiccup.

My death.

Now, discovering alternate dimensions and the true occult from my place in Hell, I need a bit of assistance for my... Return trip, you could say. Any ideas?

Sincerely,

Lord Henry Blackwood

>>13020675

DEAR FIRST TIME WRITER, LONG TIME FIGHTER,

THE UNDERDARK IS INDEED A PERILOUS PLACE TO THOSE UNPREPARED. IF INSUFFICIENTLY PACKED, YOU WILL LIKELY DIE OF THIRST, STARVATION, OR MAGICAL RADIATION LONG BEFORE ENCOUNTERING ONE OF THE MANY CREATURES KEEN TO FEAST UPON YOUR INNARDS. I SUGGEST TAKING ALONG ONE OF ANY NUMBER OF MAGICAL ITEMS THAT CAN CREATE FOOD OR WATER ON THE GO. I FURTHERMORE SUGGEST THAT YOU HIRE SOME GITHYANKI OR GITHZERAI MERCENARIES TO AID YOU. SHOULD YOU ENCOUNTER THE STAR-SPAWN, THESE MERCENARIES WILL LIKELY CHARGE THEM IN A SUICIDAL FERVOR, RIDDING THE WORLD OF A FEW MORE ILLITHIDS AND ALSO MAKING YOUR MERCENARY-PAYMENT A LOT CHEAPER.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

Dear Abby,

Even before this, you are actually going to use that anyone would want to make more?

With many waffles,
Far Realming Dennis

>>13020726
DEAR THE FELT LORD,

PUT OUT A RUMOR OF AN UNSOLVABLE PUZZLE THAT, WHEN SOLVED, WILL REVEAL AN ANCIENT SPELLBOOK. THE DUMB WIZARDS WILL COME FOR THE SPELLBOOK AND TO TEST THEIR INTELLECTUAL PROWESS, AND THE SMART ONES WILL COME TO COMPLAIN THAT NO-ONE COULD LOGICALLY KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU SOLVE AN UNSOLVABLE PUZZLE.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

>>13020733
DEAR FABULOUS BBEG,

RAPE HER BRAIN, TURNING HER INTO A MIND-SLAVE WHO YOU CAN USE TO INFILTRATE THE ROYAL COURT AND ENACT THE DESTRUCTION OF THE KINGDOM FROM WITHIN.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

>>13020746
DEAR LORD HENRY BLACKWOOD,

THE PLANAR LAWS RULING THE HELLS ARE BYZANTINE AT BEST OR LABYRINTHINE AT WORST. I ADVISE THAT YOU SUBSUME YOUR PERSONALITY AND CLAW YOUR WAY UP THE INFERNAL HIERARCHY AND WREAK UNTOLD VENGEANCE UPON THE DESCENDANTS OF THOSE SIMPLETONS WHO EXECUTED YOU A FEW CENTURIES FROM NOW.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY.

>>13020754

DEAR FAR REALMING DENNIS,

MAYBE.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

Dear Abby,

My group consists of a blood elemental (myself), some random assorted humanoids, and the oddest thing yet-- a warforged artificer composed of stale bread. However, the trouble is that, while we are very good at slaughtering our way through the land, the breadforged fellow is borderline useless! Do you perhaps have any ideas as to how we can improve his abilities?

Sincerely,
Avashka na Reiz of the Reign of Blood

>>13020860

DEAR AVASHKA NA REIZ OF THE REIGN OF BLOOD,

A GOOD, SOLID TOASTING-FORK AND A BONFIRE SHOULD IMPROVE THE BREADFORGED'S CONTRIBUTIONS TO YOUR GROUP IMMENSELY.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

Dear Abby,

I am preparing to enact vengeance upon the realm. To this end, I have developed a dread spell-- Rain of Chaos! It was to immolate the surface of the land, ignite the atmosphere, and drown the underground in acid.

The problem is that my spell is not nearly as powerful as I intended-- it's barely a Drizzle of Chaos right now.

Do you have any ideas for means I may use to improve this?

Sincerely,
Snarling in the Skyspire

Dear Abby,

I am going to visit an aboleth acquaintance of mine, the thing is that I'm a magma-dwelling nephropid wyrm and I am unsure of what gifts would be appropriate for your water dwelling kind. Would you have any suggestions?

Sincerely,
Musings in Magma

>>13020914

DEAR SNARLING IN THE SKYSPIRE,

YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS TO IMPROVE THE EFFICIENCY OF YOUR DRIZZLE. FIRST, SENTIENT SACRIFICE IS AN OLD FAVORITE, AND MAY WELL GIVE YOUR RITUAL THAT LITTLE EXTRA BIT OF OOMPH IT NEEDS. SECOND, IF YOU THINK THAT THE BLOOD OF A THOUSAND VIRGINS WILL BE A PAIN TO CLEAN UP, YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY GATHERING A COTERIE OF LIKE-MINDED MAGES AND CASTING IN CONCERT WITH THEM, WHICH WILL AMPLIFY THE POWER OF YOUR RITUAL. EITHER WOULD WORK JUST AS WELL.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

>>13020932

DEAR MUSINGS IN MAGMA,

MOST MAGICAL ITEMS WOULD BE APPRECIATED. OBVIOUSLY, THINGS SUITED TO OUR BODIES ARE BETTER THAN THE ARMS AND ARMOR SOME MORTALS DELUDE THEMSELVES INTO THINKING WILL PROTECT THEN, BUT ANYTHING REGISTERING A DWEOMER IS NICE. YOU COULD ALSO COAT A MAGICAL SCROLL IN WAX AS A CHEAPER ALTERNATIVE THAT WOULD BE JUST AS WELCOME. SLAVES ARE ALSO HELPFUL, PARTICULARLY GNOMES. SOMETHING OF A RARE DELICACY DOWN HERE, YOU UNDERSTAND.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

Dear Abby,

You mad?

Sincerely,
Elder Brain of the Illithid

Dear Abby,

I am a gamma radiation elemental on the elemental plane of gamma radiation, and my fellow elementals here have noticed that we never ever get summoned to material plane. I believe we have a serious problem in advertising our useful qualities, like being the scourge of all life, mutating things into horrible monstrosities, being able to pass through most armor with ease, etc. So, would you have any advice toward fixing our image problem?


Sincerely yours,
Nuclear Fury

Dear Abby,

I have something of a problem. I, as a dragon- even if a White Dragon- am FAR superior to the meatlings that now dominate the world. But... Well, through a combination of threats, shrewd dealings, uncanny speechcraft and a few shady services against my nemesis, I am now honorbound to protect a small meatling town. I am a draconic entity of my word, but they're utterly INSUFFERABLE. Just watching them, milling about, sickens me. How should I proceed? I don't want a vengeful adventurer coming down upon me; I heard, recently, that he took down a flying fortress-city. Not the sort I'd want to draw the ire of, despite my stature.

Sincerely,
Tyramofarrar

DEAR ABBY,

IF YOU HAD TO PICK BETWEEN AND ETHERGAUNT OR THREE ILLITHIDS TO BE YOUR SLAVE WHICH WOULD YOU PICK?

RESPECTFULLY YOURS,
AN ADMIRER

>>13021087

DEAR IDIOT,

WHY U MAD THO?

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

>>13021143
DEAR NUCLEAR FURY,

YOU JUST NEED ONE INCANDESCENT BANG BEFORE SUMMONERS START CALLING YOU LIKE MAD. GO THROUGH THE PLANE OF RADIATION AND FROM THERE TO THE PLANE OF FIRE, WHERE YOU CAN THEN HEAD TO THE CITY OF BRASS AND THROUGH A PORTAL TO THE MATERIAL PLANE. THEN YOU CAN START WREAKING ALL SORTS OF HAVOC AND, WHEN YOU'VE BEEN BANISHED BACK TO YOUR HOME-PLANE, YOU CAN REST EASY KNOWING THAT YOU'VE CEMENTED YOUR STATUS FOR SUMMONERS EVERYWHERE.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

>>13021200
DEAR TYRAMOFARRAR,

SUBVERT THE NATURE OF THE REQUEST. ENSLAVE THEM. BEND THEM TO YOUR WILL. YOU CAN PROTECT THEM, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU ARE THE INFERIOR OF THE RELATIONSHIP. WREST BACK CONTROL AND SET YOURSELF UP AS AN ICY DEITY OF THE FROZEN WASTES.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

Dear Abby,

The fuck are these people tromping about my house. Am I going to have to smack someone?

Sincerely,
Wrathful Red Ethergaunt

>>13021206
DEAR AN ADMIRER,

THAT IS AN EXTREMELY DIFFICULT CHOICE. ETHERGAUNTS, DUE TO THEIR RELATIVE RARITY AND THEIR POWERS OF THE MIND, ARE A GREAT STATUS-SYMBOL IN ABOLETH SOCIETY. HOWEVER, THE PERSONAL RIVALRY THE ABOLETH AND ILLITHID RACES SHARE FOR ONE ANOTHER MAKES ANY MIND-FLAYER SLAVE A DELICIOUS SNUB. ALL-IN-ALL, I'D OPT FOR THE STAR-SPAWN, AS THEY ARE LESS DANGEROUS TO DEAL WITH AND PROVIDE JUST AS GREAT A SYMBOL OF AUTHORITY.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

Dear Abby,

I'm finding it harder and harder not to be tempted by the princess of the kingdom I serve under with every day. I won't name it, but supposedly the royalty is descended from divine bloodlines. I fear for ability to continue to draw in air.

What would be the best way to go about making her my own? Preferably not resulting in my eminent death.

Dear Abby,

I have recently moved to the material plane from the Far Realm, and while I fancy myself a splendid cook at preparing elfs and orcs and such, I find myself at a loss when it comes to gnome-based dishes. As one who understands the intracacies of preparing a gnome, I humbly beseech your august wisdom.

Sincerely yours,
Curious in the Kitchen

>>13021283
DEAR WRATHFUL RED ETHERGAUNT,

MIND-RAPE THEM FIRST.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

>>13021296
DEAR ANONYMOUS,

AS ALWAYS, THE NATURE OF MORTAL INTERPERSONAL AFFAIRS ELUDES ME. AGAIN, I URGE ALL PROSPECTIVE WRITERS TO ATTEMPT MIND-RAPE IN THESE SITUATIONS BEFORE SENDING ME A LETTER. IF MIND-RAPE FAILS, YOU MAY WRITE, BUT UNTIL THEN I DON'T WANT TO HEAR.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

Dear Abby,

I have recently come into the possession of a large underground fortress with many riches that lay inside. The only problem is, the dragon down there is not disposed to letting said riches leave! Indeed, he goes so far as to roast all who enter the lower chambers.

I would rather not waste my time hiring wave after wave of adventurers just to see them die and watch my investments go down the drain! What would you recommend in regards to attracting a group of warriors who can get the job done right the first time?

Sincerely,
A merchant in a predicament.

>>13021307
DEAR CURIOUS-IN-THE-KITCHEN,

ALTHOUGH I KNOW THAT IT DOESN'T SUIT EVERYONE'S TASTES, I FIND THAT A LIBERAL DOUSING IN ABOLETH MUCUS REALLY BRINGS OUT THE GNOME'S NATURAL FLAVORS. BEFORE ANY PREPARATION OF GNOME, THOUGH, YOU REALLY HAVE TO GO INTO THEIR MINDS AND BREAK THEM DOWN. THEY'RE JUST NOT AS NATURALLY TENDER AS ONE MIGHT THINK, AND GNOME POSES MANY AN ASPIRING CHEF PROBLEMS BECAUSE OF UNEXPECTED MENTAL CHEWINESS. TRY INDUCING HORROR, MADNESS, OR ANY EXTREME NEGATIVE EMOTIONAL STATE PRIOR TO PREPARATION TO GET THE BEST FLAVOR OUT OF GNOME.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

Dear Abby,

Grey tower on Southern Peninsula. Six Skum, twelve "humans". Your move.

- Black Khen-Zai

>>13021378
DEAR A MERCHANT IN A PREDICAMENT,

IF ALL MY YEARS OF LIFE HAVE TAUGHT ME ANYTHING, IT'S THAT ADVENTURERS ARE WILLING TO DO ABSOLUTELY ANY TASK, NO MATTER HOW MENIAL, IF YOU CALL IT A "QUEST." PUT OUT AN ADVERTISEMENT LAMENTING A CRUEL AND UNRULY DRAGON THAT PREYS ON THE COUNTRYSIDE AROUND IT, AND HOW IT HAS STOLEN FROM YOUR CARAVANS AND AT LEAST HALF THE WEALTH DOWN THERE IS RIGHTFULLY YOURS. ADVENTURERS WILL LINE UP TO TRY SLAYING THE BEAST FOR FREE, AND IF THEY'RE PARTICULARLY KIND-HEARTED OR GULLIBLE, WHICH THEY WILL BE, THEY MAY LIKELY GIVE YOU A GOOD DEAL OF TREASURE FOR ABSOLUTELY NO WORK ON YOUR PART.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

Dear Abby, I am a powerful sorcerer masquerading as a salesman for my own reasons. Rest assured that they are nefarious.
Nevertheless, in order to continue my charade, I've been forced by circumstance to join a group of adventurers!
Naturally I am attempting to twist their light-hearted optimism towards the greater evil, but it seems like I hardly get a chance when they keep drawing the ire of beings like yourself. I'm nearly obliterated on a daily basis!

What can I do to hasten their demise without revealing myself?

-Strasz, proprietor of the dinky magic trinkets shop in the middle of the desert.

>>13021392

DEAR BLACK KHEN-ZAI,

ONE COTERIE, THREE NECROMANCERS, ISLAND-CASTLE IN NORTHWEST ARCHIPELAGO. I BELIEVE I'VE TAKEN YOUR RED, HMM?

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

P.S. PLEASE RESPOND RE PRIVATE LINE.

Dear Abby,

This unit has been dispatched to place subject designation Elder Brain Psi-Omicron-66 in geas for general violations of cosmic principle 3, mandate 108, article 7, clause 13 to 8001.

This unit's tactical evulation has drawn the conclusion that it circumventing target defenses is impossible with current knowledge. Requesting tactical data on subject elder brain, subject illthid combat doctrine, subject localized geography, and subject antipsi.

Sincerely yours,
Kolyarut Unit Designation 10000917611-Sigma

>>13021457

DEAR STRASZ,

YOU MAY WANT TO CONCEAL YOUR NAME IN THE FUTURE. I BELIEVE THAT YOUR COVER HAS JUST BEEN BLOWN.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

Dear EVVY&!344^^5!!,

Riches, Rewards, Treasure and Adventure can be yours! Acererak Reality is offering LOW COST MOILIAN TIMESHARES and FREE VACATIONS to the fortress of conclusion! Thousands have already enjoyed FREE TRIPS and INCREDIBLE NO-SAVES. EVERYTHING YOU HAVE ALWAYS WANTED AND DREAMED OF is being offered to you, if only you ACT NOW. All you have to do is submit your true name and a sample of your blood to:

Acererak Reality Ventures
Fortress of Conclusion, NEP 10100

Dear Abby,

I am suffering from rampant polymorphism. Every day I wake up as someone or something different. This is very very stressful for me-- it's difficult to have proper relationships with people when you're an attractive female human one day and a Manticore the next.

How can I get control over this without having to submit to a mage?

Much obliged,
Malleable in Marrenport

Dear Abby,

Due to close proximity to good aligned magic, condensed in a powder form, I have turned into some sort of horrible blue cat person with ice powers and faerie wings. Also, I seem to be a girl now. I do not even understand how that begins to make sense. The rest of my party is taking this eerily well, half having already been were creatures, and the last hit even worse than me, having been turned into some fashion of glitter cat.

How can I fix this? I'm just a simple rogue, and the glowing aura of cold is making it impossible to sneak, and my traditional human supremacist family will never understand.

Yours truly,
Cursed with Fur

>>13021478

DEAR KOLYARUT UNIT DESIGNATION 10000917611-SIGMA,

ALTHOUGH IN NORMAL CIRCUMSTANCES POWERFUL UNDEAD ARE IDEAL FOR DESTROYING ILLITHID, IN LIGHT OF COSMIC PRINCIPLE 22, MANDATE 1, RE BOUNDARY OF LIFE AND DEATH, I FEEL THAT CERTAIN PSIONIC CONSTRUCTS WILL AID IN APPREHENDING THE CRIMINAL. THEY ARE IMMUNE TO MIND-BLASTS, SPELLS AND SPELL-LIKE ABILITIES, AND EXCEREBULATION, RENDERING ILLITHID LITTLE MORE THAN BIPEDAL SQUIDS.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

Dear Abby,
I am attempting to form a rivalry with a powerful empress, but she's got enough resources to just send various cats paws at me forever without showing herself.
How can I draw her out so that she may be properly mind raped?

-Gregory the Stormrider

>>13021486
DEAR EDITOR,

CONSIDER YOURSELF NEXT ON THE MENU FOR ALLOWING THIS TO GET THROUGH.

ABBY

>>13021494
DEAR MALLEABLE IN MARRENPORT,

I ADVISE THAT YOU EMBRACE YOUR NEW, TRANSCENDENT FORM AS GREATER THAN ANY MERE HUMANITY YOU MAY HAVE ONCE POSSESSED. YOU ARE TOUCHED BY THE OLD GODS AND, SHOULD YOU EXCEED IN THEIR FAVOR, YOU MAY WELL BE GRANTED CONTROL OF YOUR MORPHEUS FORM.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

>>13021522
DEAR CURSED WITH FUR,

I DON'T UNDERSTAND FUR AT ALL. IT ALWAYS SEEMED SO IMPRACTICAL. THAT SAID, IT SEEMS AS THOUGH EITHER THE ELADRIN OR SOME FAE CREATURE HAS TAKEN AN UNHEALTHY INTEREST IN YOU, AT LEAST JUDGING BY THE SYMPTOMS, WHICH MEANS THAT ANY ATTEMPT TO REVERSE THEM WILL BE TAKEN AS A GRAVE SLIGHT. YOU SHOULD PROBABLY SEE A NEARBY WIZARD FOR A CURE. FAILING THAT, A GOOD BATH IN ABOLETH MUCUS WILL CAUSE ALL THAT FUR TO FALL RIGHT OFF.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

>>13021558

DEAR GREGORY THE STORMRIDER,

YOU MAY WISH TO TRY A MORE LATERAL APPROACH. VERY FEW THESE DAYS BOTHER MUCH WITH MIRROR-MAGIC ANY MORE DUE TO THE RELATIVELY MINOR DANGERS AND INCONVENIENCES INVOLVED, AND SHE LIKELY HAS UNGUARDED MIRRORS LYING ALL AROUND THE PALACE. GET A FEW SCROLLS OF MIRROR-WALKING AND FIND A MIRROR WITH SOME CONNECTION TO THE PALACE; SOMETHING MADE BY THE SAME CRAFTSMAN OR OF THE SAME WOOD OR SOMETHING OF THE SORT. SNEAK THROUGH THE MIRROR AND TRAVEL QUICKLY TO YOUR DESTINATION. IF SHE HAS A MIRROR IN HER ROOM, YOU CAN JUMP OUT AND PROCEED TO MIND-RAPE HER AS SHE SLEEPS.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

Dear Abby,

I was once the glorious hellish overlord that took over a sizeable kingdom and turned it into a proper tyranny and enslaving the masses by using a particularly foolish wizard-king as my puppet. Unfortunately a ragtag band of adventures managed to not only defeat my puppeted wizard-king but they have cursed me into the form an attractive, busty elven female and have geased me into a servitude equal to a bar wench. While I believe I am taking this humiliation in stride considering my stature as an immortal spirit of evil, it does grate on my nerves so. That said, would you have any advice toward a covert method for these adventures eventual corruption?

Sincerely yours,
Ragtag Revenge

Dear Abby,

I accidentally managed to fall into Faerie. This wouldn't be such a problem if it didn't cause me to start mutating uncontrollably. I've gone from a rather plain human male with dreams of ascending to the Far Realm to.. Uh..

It's very embarrassing, but I'm some sort of ethereal, eight-foot-tall, slender.. Butterfly woman, though I don't think it's even nearly over yet.

In short, what do I do about this? I can't go back to the other alienists like this.

>>13021610

DEAR RAGTAG REVENGE,

MORTALS FIND FEW THINGS AS CORRUPTING AS POWER. IN YOUR POSITION AS BARMAID, TRY INCITING THE LOCAL DRUNKS TO REBELLION, DEMANDING THAT THE FOOLS WHO OVERTHREW YOU BE MADE ABSOLUTE RULERS OF THE LAND. NOTHING CAN BE BEYOND THEIR REACH. LAVISH AWARDS UPON THEM. THROW VARIOUS SEXUALLY-DESIRABLE HOMINIDS AT THEIR FEET. ASMODEUS SHALL HAVE HIS DUE IN DUE TIME, IF YOU PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

>>13021571
Dear Abby,

I'm trying to attain a state higher than what I have now. I'm trying to become a God. 40 years ago I was able to cease my aging, and my strength and endurance have grown to a supernatural degree. I no longer need to eat or sleep, and I can summon magma from the depths, deflect any harm with but a thin layer of water, and create a cold unparalleled in the palm of my hand. But I feel like something is missing.

How do I reach my goals?

Sincerely,
Looking for God

>>13021629
DEAR ANONYMOUS,

WITH CARE, YOU CAN CONTROL THE DAMAGE AND MAY EVEN TURN THIS TO YOUR ADVANTAGE. REFUSE TO WEAR ANYTHING BUT A TOTALLY-CONCEALING YELLOW ROBE, AND ALWAYS WEAR A FACE-CONCEALING MASK. DO NOT TELL YOUR FELLOWS ANYTHING. DEFLECT ALL QUESTIONS REGARDING YOUR NEW OUTFIT. MYTHS WILL GROW, AND WHEN YOU GET TO THE FAR REALM ALL THAT FAERIE NONSENSE WILL BE MUTATED AWAY QUICKLY ENOUGH THAT NO-ONE WILL BE THE WISER OF YOU.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

Dear Abby,

A human stumbled into my garden of pickled worms today, so I though I'd keep the little scamp. Thing is it turns out I don't have the damnedest clue on how to keep a pet human. I'd mind rape him but that would make Brother Spearlegs so very angry and we can't have that. Any advice?

Respectfully yours,
Alienist Fancier in the Far Realm

Dear Abby,

I'm a human Ranger in an adventuring troupe whose number also includes a Halfling Rogue. Now, we have been adventuring together for some time, and a couple of months ago we started to become involved, romantically. She (My Halfling love interest) and I have been taking it slow, after having realized we had feelings for each other for a long time. The other night after we had defeated a particularly powerful Beholder and its minions (who were about to wipe out a small village), we celebrated by getting drunk in the local pub. Well, soon we were getting physical, and one thing led to another and we found ourselves in the buff in our private room above the pub. Now, immediately, even in my drunken state, I could see there might be a problem with our size difference. She was also trepidatious. So despite our inebriation we decided to hold off on "going all the way", and found...other ways to celebrate our victory.

My concern is that I'll hurt her; this will be bad not just for her and myself, but for the whole party. As she pointed out, what kind of Rogue can move stealthily when she feels like she's been bifurcated? How should we proceed, Abby?

Sincerely, Largely Luckless in the sticks

Dear Abby,

I'm in something of a predicament. I am in a position of great power and have uplifted my fellow with nothing more than my mind, force of will, and the assistance of a few other colorful characters, after deposing a mindless lout of a dictator and building a heavy industry out of mud huts and slums.

Why, I even managed to design a device to create MASSIVE amounts of electrical power, by slamming particles from the Positive and Negative planes together!

But there's one fly in the ointment. A number of fae-freaks, in the service of an entire kingdom of draconic creatures, have risen against me. And I've had a vision. A HORRIBLE vision, that the Gods themselves shall, for whatever reason, see fit to cast me down in manners that make little sense and are humiliatingly and unsuitingly ironic. I cannot let this come to pass. How shall I stop this, if not with SCIENCE?

Sincerely,

A. Kapown

>>13021656
DEAR LOOKING FOR GOD,

DIVINE POWER IS SUCH A PAINFULLY TRITE METHOD OF ACHIEVING POWER, ALTHOUGH I DO SUPPORT ANY ACTION THAT DAMAGES THE EXISTING HEAVENLY HIERARCHY. TO ACHIEVE GODHOOD, YOU MUST DO ONE OF TWO THINGS. FIRST, YOU MAY CHOOSE TO KILL A GOD. WHILE I AM IN FAVOR OF THIS OPTION, IT'S VERY DIFFICULT AND YOU'RE LIKELY TO GET YOURSELF KILLED. SECOND, YOU CAN TRY TO GET A GROUP OF WORSHIPERS TO REVERE YOU, TO BELIEVE IN YOU. MY STUDIES INTO THE DIVINE HAVE SHOWN THAT THEY REQUIRE THE FAITH OF THEIR LESSER TO SUSTAIN THEMSELVES, BEING WEAK AS KITTENS WITHOUT THE PATHETIC MORTAL BEINGS THEY CREATED.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

DEAR READERS/MINDSLAVES,

THANK YOU ALL FOR FOLLOWING ALONG WITH ANOTHER EVENING OF "DEAR ABBY". IF IT WERE UP TO ME, I'D WHISK YOU ALL AWAY TO TOIL AWAY FOR THE GLORY OF THE ABOLETH RACE BEYOND THE REACH OF THE SUN FOR THE REST OF YOUR PATHETIC MORTAL LIVES, BUT WE'VE RUN ALL OUT OF TIME THIS EVENING. GOOD NIGHT. THIS PERSONALITY WILL NOW SLEEP, BUT ANOTHER MAY SURFACE AND CHOOSE TO ANSWER ANY QUERIES YOU MIGHT PUT FORTH.

ABBY

>>13021689
http://www.erfworld.com/summer-update-2009-archive/?px=%2FE044_celebrenithil_MaggieParson.png

>"No! Jesus!" shouted Parson, throwing up his hands. "I'm talking about compatibility. Physical compatibility."

>Maggie's laugh echoed down the street.

>"What, seriously?"

>"Maggie I'm about twice the size of everybody here," he said to her, in earnest. "What if I...can't? What if I, y'know hurt her?"

>Maggie laughed again. "What if you cleave her in twain with your mighty broadsword?" she giggled. "What if your siege-ram is...is too grand for the gates?" Her giggle fit continued until she calmed herself with a deep, grinning breath. "Oh. All men exaggerate their stats, Lord. You all imagine a weapon bonus that isn't there. If you do break her like a...feral mount of some sort, then I suppose she'll heal fully at dawn. But the memories will last her a lifetime."

>She took his arm at the elbow and smirked up at him. They continued together down the street. "I will be very busy next turn, Lord. Why don't you ask an Archon or two to accompany you on your rounds tomorrow?"

Dear Abby,

I did as you recommended regarding the robe and yellow mask. My faerie mutations have stabilized, and the other alienists are quite impressed with my height and the sinister draping of the robes. My new voice has taken on an ethereal, echoing quality, which is apparently quite enthralling, though many of the unenlightened seem to go mad when they hear it.

My question is how I may secure my legacy in the mortal realm, so that I am feared and remembered even after ascension. I'm considering writing a play...

Sincerely,
Shrouded in Yellow

Dear Abby,

I've recently come into the possession of a halfling farm. Foolish things aren't yet aware it's not just plants were growing, any way I digress. I was thinking of getting my fellow feinds together but I think a simple halfling roast, while a staple of fiendish cuisine, just won't make the impression I need on my superiors. I need something with a certain flair to it, something beyond the ordinary rape and torture that would be sure to impress even my most jaded guests. Any advice?

Sincerely yours,
A Fiendish Farmer

Dear Abby,

I've recently signed a work contract and it just seems too good to be true. I get a sinister feeling from my employer. How can I confirm or rebuke my suspicions?

Your Sincerely,
A Hesitant Halfing.

>>13021704
Oh dear god what the fuck??

bump

Dear Abby,

I've been on-and-off sleeping with this cute transmutationist who works in the R&D lab. I'm a field operations mage, by the way. The mercenary work has allowed me to mass an empire in liquid assets, but I digress. I recently found out she's an illithid. I'm abjured to the nines, which is why I suspect she hasn't tried to invade my skull one way or another, but there remains the possibility that she isn't after my mind.

Do you have any advice?

Best Regards,
Evoker And Loving It