Light the tavern on fire.

Too much Deadpool, Narrator.

what the fuck does he mean by deadpool? if he is suggesting the bard is too much like dead pool the underage faggot needs to leave immediately

find and kill the narrator.

Kill someone.

>>10588877
>I think I'll try to light the Tavern on fire!

What? Are you mad!? There are people in there!

>Your point being... ?

...I was warned something like this might happen.

>Well then, I'll just be over here, lighting this tavern on fire!

While I hate to interject, I feel I must point out tha-

>You aren't going to talk me out of this. I'm going to burn this tavern down, no matter what kind of "greater good" guff you start spouting off. I. Just. Don't. Care. Anymore.

...As I was saying, before you interrupted me: Do you HAVE something to light the Drunken Rat on fire WITH?

>...You win this round.

>[What do?]

Go to the nearest shop to find something to light a fire with.

Find something to light the tavern on fire with.

>>10589011
Look around for a chick with at least a C cup rack. Proceed to seduce her, for information, and a night on the town.

Walk in.

>>10588896
It's from the video game.

i repeat, find and KILL THE FUCK out of the narrator.

Find a whorehouse instead.

I'd be willing to bet there is a giant rat in the basement. I enter the tavern and approach a bar wench

>>10589049
>>10589057
>You'll not win this time, Narrator! I'm my own man; I'll not let you take control of my life! I'm off to find something to set the Tavern on fire with!

Very well, you insolent dolt. I don't even know why I bother anymore, seeing as all of you "hero" types seem hellbent on causing as much collateral damage as possi-

>Cut the yap, Narrator; you're preaching to an audience of one, and I'm not too interested in what ye have to say.

FINE.

The Bard walks a little ways down the road before coming upon a small piece of dull, grayish stone. Picking it up, it turns out to be a piece of [FLINT].

>[You have acquired (FLINT)]

>[What do?]

Go inside the tavern!

>>10589187
Carefully craft it into a hand axe.

Then just go into the tavern, grab a fucking lantern, and smash it on the floor. Use the hand axe to kill anyone who tries to leave.

Look around for a chick with at least a C cup rack. Proceed to seduce her, for information, and a night on the town.

Because free drinks BEFORE we burn the tavern down.

I TOLD YOU.
FIND A WHORE. HOUSE.

>>10589236

THIS.
We do this!

>>10589194
I change this into
>>10589236

>>10589194
>Hmm... On second thought, I do believe I'm a bit thirsty. I'll leave the Tavern standing a bit longer while I get something to drink.

You know, I do believe you are Schizophrenic.

>Who's Schizowhosit? I'm a Bard.

It's a medical condition, it means that you have mul- Oh, why even bother, it'll just go in one ear and out the other.

Anyway, back to the tale. The Bard walks back down the road after pocketing the piece of [FLINT] and opens the door to the Drunken Rat.

A pall of smoke obscures some of the room, apparently coming from the roaring fire in the hearth near the back of the room. A group of drunks is sitting and laughing uproariously near the hearth, though it is hard to fathom just WHAT has made them laugh so hard.

Behind the bar there is a portly man with abnormally large sideburns wiping down the bar. He looks up at the Bard disinterestdly before turning back to wiping down the counter.

>[What do?]

>>10589338
Pick a fight with the drunks.

Carefully craft the flint into a hand axe.

Then just grab a fucking lantern, and smash it on the floor of the tavern. Use the hand axe to kill anyone who tries to leave.

>>10589338
Stab the hobbit. He'll steal our gold.

>>10589338
Search for chicks. In lieu of this (A.K.A. Upon finding none), make sure we have money and go talk to the bartender.

>>10589338

woo the barkeep. For free drinks. Failing that, woo a foot stool and proceed to bash the barkeep with it to get free drinks.

>>10589356
>I don't like the way those drunken buffoons are looking at me. Like they think there's something funny about me.

Well, they were laughing before you came in; who's to say they didn't just turn around when you entered?

>I don't think so. I can see it in their beady, bloodshot eyes. They think they're better than me! That I'm LOWER than them!

And what do you intend to do about it? Pick a fight?

>Yeah, that sounds good.

Wait, really? You know I was being sarcastic, right?

>Oh, I know. And I don't care.

The Bard walks up to the Drunks, who quiet down some and turn to face the stranger.

>PICK ONE:
>[Snark]
>[Nice]

>>10589338
A portly bartender with distinctive facial hair? We really are going to be hitting every cliche possible, aren't we?

>>10589426
SNARK

>>10589426
nice!

Piss in their drinks!

>>10589426
Fuck your pick one shit. I choose option three.
[Snark disguised as Nice]

CHOO CHOO!

ALL ABOARD THE RAILROAD EXPRESS

OP IS A FAGGOT

>>10589488
agreed. Sage for picking only first reply, not going to mash F5 for this.

>>10589440
As the Bard opens his mouth to seal his doom, h-

>You really have no faith in me, do you? I'm the Hero of this story; I'm untouchable!

Keep telling yourself that, it might come true.

Anyway, as I was saying, as the Bard prepares to speak, one of the Drunks asks innocently "Why hallo thar, Stranger; What can I do ye fer?"

>YOU can't do anything for me, as I am a firm adherent to the opposite sex; your wife, however, is another matter entirely. Do you mind letting me borrow her for a few hours?

The Drunk's face curls into an ugly grimace and his fists ball up as he stands up. Which is when the Bard notices that the Drunk is particularly tall.

"I"ll make you eat them words, ya fuckin' nit"

>Sorry, I don't eat leftovers; I'll be happy to serve you more helpings, though!

The Drunk blinks stupidly. "Wot?"

>See, cause you said that you'd make me "eat my words", so I'm saying tha-

The Drunk roars with drunken fury and swings his fist. "YER FLOWER TALK WON'T HELP YA FOIGHT."

The Drunk misses, but barely. His friends are also starting to get up.

>[What do?]

>>10589575
SWEEP THE LEG!

Flip the fuck out

Kick the big guy in the sack and leg it.

>>10589612
>I'm going to try something.

Oh, really? I was under the impression you were simply going to let yourself be mauled by a drunken man and his friends.

>You know, I think I'm starting to rub off on you.

Dear gods, I hope not. I might start to SMELL like you.

However, that's besides the point: what are you going to try?

>You'll see.

As the Drunk roars and swings again at the Bard, our cunning hero sidesteps and sticks his foot out, causing the inebriated brawler to fall flat on his face.

>See?

Yes, I see. You managed to knock one man to the floor, while giving his three equally large friends a chance to get up.

>Now you're just being a spoilsport.

>[What do?]

rolled 7 = 7

>>10589730

convince the barkeep that these ruffians assaulted you and that he should commence kicking them out of his tavern.

>>10589730
BURN EVERYTHING!

>>10589730
Roll a Bluff check.

>>10589754
As the Bard heroically stands up to face the three enraged patrons, he-

>I'm not going to fight them.

...What.

>Yep. Not gonna fight 'em.

...Okay. What ARE you going to do.

>I'm going to fall back. WITH STYLE!

As the Bard turns tail and runs towards the Bar, he sees that the Barkeep has already taken out a large club with various nails sticking out of the top.

The Barkeep looks at you suspiciously before pointing back at the slowly advancing drunks.

"What'd you do to Jeb's crowd to get 'em riled up?"

>[PICK ONE]
>[Snark]
>[Nice]

>>10589921
[Snark]

>>10589921
BURN! SMASH A BOTTLE OVER HIS HEAD AND SHOVE HIM FACE FIRST INTO THE FIRE!

>>10589921
[Nice]
LIE LIKE THE WIND

>>10589942
>I may have implied some things concerning the virtues of his wife. I believe the fact that I made him think was the real deciding factor though.

A ghost of a smile touches the Barkeep's lips before he speaks again.

"Been a while since someone's had the block and tackle to talk to Jeb's crowd. They ain't exactly well-loved around here, but not much I can do about it, seein' as they'll trash the place if'n I don't let 'em do as they please."

The Barkeep points behind the Bard with his spiked club.

"I'll not help you, as I've no wish to get involved, but I won't stop it, neither. You kin borrow Black Molly, if'n you wish."

>Black Molly?

The Barkeep motions to his spiked club. "She ain't pretty, but she'll knock 'em down and keep 'em down most times."

>Great. Your assistance is REALLY appreciated. Extravagant, even.

The Barkeep grins wryly. "If it's any consolation, I'll give you a free round afterwards. If'n you survive, that is."

>[What do?]

>>10590126
Commence with the beatings.

>>10590126

Connect nail with coin purse, leg it!

drive the nails into the drunk's knee with a sideways hit, and then thrust your palm upwards, into his nose (Btw, OP, this WILL kill him.) Loot the corpse. keep black molly.

>>10590228
>Let's get this party started!

Grabbing the spiked club by its handle, the Bard charges into battle, yelling incoherently as he swings wildly. The Drunks sway uncertainly, vaguely aware that the Bard may now actually be a credible threat, but before they can react you hit one of them in the knee with Black Molly's head. Howling in pain and surprise, the drunk falls to the ground, clutching his leg. The other drunks back away warily, one of them reaching for a chair. Jeb is still laying facedown on the floor, moaning incoherently.

>And YOU thought I was going to end up dead. Shows a fat lot what you know!

I'll admit it; I am sorry for underestimating your capacity for inciting fights and finding ways to both get out of trouble and cheat.

>Are you going to be like this the rest of the tale?

Depends. Are you?

>[What do?]

>>10590385
avoid the man with the chair and and attack him with fast attacks. hit and withdraw, he cant move fast as you with that chair.

>>10590332
>implying that a nose shot is guaranteedone-shotkillallthetimeeverytime
>also implying that our Bard is trained in how to pull off such a move

>>10590425
he's a bard, he's heard tales, how hard can it be.

>>10590425
>implying a drunken man could avoid such an attack with great agility.

>>10590385
Knock the chair out of his hands, then administer beatdown.

>>10590385

Drive nail through Jeb's incapacitated head. Stare down remaining drunk.

Now why would a bard, a class that relies upon its wits and fast talk, walk into a bar and start a fight with the first stranger he meets?

This started out fun, I thought OP has some talent, but the character, just, well, sucks donkey balls.

Sweaty ones at that.

>>10590592
He's spoofing a game. One in which a bard game fuck shit up with a two-handed sword. Just roll with it.

>>10590592
Op took poor suggestions and railroaded. of course it turned out shit.

>>10590641
*a bard can

>>10590646
Are you joking? This is going along pretty well.

>>10590416
>TALLY HOOOOOOOO!

A passed out whore near the back of the room briefly lifts her head up at the sound of the Bard's battlecry, but falls back asleep after a few seconds.

Again surging forward, the Bard dances warily about the drunk with the chair, looking for an open-

>I'm swinging for that chair of his, not dancing around like some fairy!

...Narrate for a Bard, they said. Narrate for somebody who understands narrative prose, they said...

The Bard swings Black Molly at the drunk's chair, knocking it out of his hands. The Drunk looks stupidly at his hands, as if not sure what has just transpired; he is brought back to reality by a stinging pain in his right shoulder, courtesy of a well-placed blow by the Bard. Cursing with pain, the Drunk falls down, grabbing his arm.

>Ha! Just one more to g-

The Bard feels a sharp pain in his head as a clay pitcher of ale flys and hits him.

>...Aren't you supposed to warn about that kind of thing?

What? Me? Oh, but you looked like you were having so much fun!

>You're becoming exasperatingly sarcastic, you know that?

Me? Sarcastic? Perish the thought.

The final drunk is standing near the back of the room near an assortment of utensils and containers. It looks like he is preparing to throw a dinner plate at the Bard.

>[What do?]

Don't let them discourage you op, keep at it.

Flip the fuck out

>>10590646
Considering what the suggestions were, things could have turned out much worse than a simple bar fight.

>>10590684
>It looks like he is preparing to throw a dinner plate at the Bard

Counter by throwing Black Molly!

>>10590705
Rushing at the last Drunk, the plate he throws at the Bard flies and hits the wall; unfortunately for the Drunk, he is too slow to pick up another bit of ammunition before the Bard reaches him.

>First, let's take care of his little arsenal.

The Bard sweeps the tables near the Drunk clear, knocking the items to the floor. The Drunk begins blubbering and cowering, and is apparently cowed after witnessing the quick work the Bard made of his fellows.

>Yeah! That'll teach him to pick on innocent bards!

As I recall, YOU insulted HIS friend.

>Trivialities, my good man!

The rest of the drunks are laying on the ground, groaning and generally bemoaning their pitiable situation. The fourth and last Drunk is cowering before you.

>[PICK ONE]
>[Snark]
>[Nice]

[Nice]

>>10590844
Fuck that, [SNARK] like it's about to be outlawed.

>>10590844
As the Bard prepares to mercilessly beat in the Drunk's skull, he rears back a-

>Hold on a tick. I never said anything about that.

Ah, forgive me. I just assumed with all the wanton violence occuring we were continuing a trend.

>Naw, I'm feeling a bit compassionate. And besides, he looks pretty harmless.

The Bard feigns a look of disdain and points down at the blubbering Drunk. The Drunk raises his arms protectively over his head.

>Now, you're going to help your friends out of here, and you aren't gonna come back. If I ever hear of you coming back here, I'll return and do the same thing again. And again. Until you get the message. Are we clear?

The Drunk moans and nods feverishly, momentarily mute from his experience.

The Bard jerks his thumb in the direction of the Drunk's fallen compatriots.

>Now... Sod off, and take the trash out on your way.

The Drunk stands up and rushes towards his friends, hauling them up and out the door one by one, looking over his shoulder at the Bard constantly, as if in fear.

That was nice of you.

>Please. I didn't want to take them out of the bar on my own.

A true surprise; surely the Bard does not have a spark of humanity left in him?

>Not even a bit. So let's stop the inquisition and get on with it, shall we?

Very well. Turning towards the bar, the Bard notices that the Barkeep is grinning broadly at the conquering hero, holding a large mug in one hand.

>[What do?]

Drink like it's going out of style. Drunken adventures are the best adventures.

>>10591097
The Bard walks up to the bar and grabs the Mug from the Barkeep, swallowing large gulps of the nut-brown ale.

>Thanks for that, my good man. Beatings make for thirsty work.

The Barkeep smiles indulgently. "My pleasure. It's about time someone taught those idjits a lesson. Now, I said you'd only be gettin' a drink from me, but here's a little somethin' from me as thanks."

Having said that, the Barkeep tosses you a small coinpurse. Feeling its contents through the leater, you can feel eight small coins.

"'Y'kin keep Black Molly as well, if'n y'like; I've got enough lengths in back that I can make another, though she was one of the finest I've made yet."

>See? A little kindness can go a long way!

A little kindness and a lot of Violence, you mean.

>You just can't see the bright side of things, can you?

>[You have acquired (8 Pence)]
>[You have acquired (BLACK MOLLY)]
>[What do?]

>>10591334
Scope the place for wenches.

Acquire electric spider summon

Eat meat until I pass out!

>>10591385
Looking around the Drunken Rat, a pleasant sense of inebriation settles into the Bard's psyche, lulling him into a golden-colored haze of good will.

>...Wuzzat? I dunno what yer talkin' abou'

You're drunk.

>...Oh. Okie dokie!

Looking around the Tavern, the Bard spots a wench sitting near the back of the room, apparently fast asleep. Getting up, the Bard makes his unsteady way towards the lass's table before sitting in a chair opposite from her.

>Sho... What brings y'here tonight, beautiful?

The woman looks up blankly before spotting you and narrowing her eyes.

"With all due respect, goodser, t'ain't None o' yer business. Sod off."

>[PICK ONE]
>[Snark]
>[Nice]

>>10591567
SNARK!

NEVER ANY OTHER OPTION!

[snark]

>>10591593
Maybe you should slow down a bit there.

>Ah, stuff it, y'overblown windbag. The day I need advice from YOU on wooing the ladies is the day I begin wearing petticoats and pretty shoes.

Fine. Carry on and make an ass of yourself. Can't say I tried.

>Good!

FINE!

As the Bard sways a bit, he drunkenly opens his arms wide in a grand gesture.

>Come on, my dear! Ain't nobody here but th'two of us; ain't no need to be mean to a fellow, unless you're of a diff'rent persuasion. And if'n y'are, I'm okay with watchin'

The wench looks up, her eyes locked on the Bard's face. Before the Bard can speak again, she grabs his face with her two hands and gives him a crushing kiss on the lips.

Following that, she shoves the Bard back and causes our hero to fall backwards in his chair.

The wench speaks again, looking at him laying on the ground. "Ye've had yer bit o' fun; now sod off, 'afore I give ye more'n a peck."

Nice going, good sir. Truly, you are a master at the fine art of wooing.

>Are you kidding? Everything's going perfectly! I've got my tongue in her door!

...I do believe the term is FOOT in the-

>I know what I said!

>[What do?]

RAPE

Buy her a drink. It's the classy thing to do.

This is a good quest thread. Thanks OP.

>>10591786
Turn the charm up to 11. Make a witty remark about how she's obviously a strong, confident woman who can take care of herself.

>>10591786

Repeat the tongue in door comment to the pretty lady. Woo her with your smooth tongue.

>>10591807
I'd like to take this opportunity to remind everyone that burning the place down is still an option.

>>10591881
This, but with rape.

>>10591835
The Bard gets unsteadily to his feet and rights the chair, sitting down again before raising his arm and shouting at the Barkeep.

>Barkeep! More of that Ale over here, and make it two glasses!

The wench raises her head again, and glares at you, but when the Barkeep arrives with the two brimming mugs, she still reaches for her drink.

>She hasn't hit me again yet. This is going pretty good!

Admittedly, any time when the Bard was not being hit by a member of the opposite sex was a cause for celebration, but that is besides the point.

>Hey! I resent that!

Of course you do. Now, go back to drinking.

>Okay :D

The wench sips her own drink, watching you carefully across the table.

>[PICK ONE]
>[Snark]
>[Nice]

SNARK

>>10591974
This is going to end in tears.

>>10592008
In know, I'm going to enjoy every moment.

Then maybe we can get back to arson.

SNARK IT LIKE A BOSS

>>10592008

RAPE

Man, I've never known a bard to take Charisma as a dump stat. Is this a 4e thing or something?

>>10591974
Are you sure you should be drinking so much?

>Of course! It maximizes my charm!

If you say so...

As the Bard takes another swallow of his drink, he wipes his mouth and looks again at the wench, who is still eyeing our hero warily.

>Y'know... Not many women're able to hit a man that hard. Heck, you even seem a bit unruly. Might be that you need some more DISCIPLINE.

Having said that, the Bard lunges forward and gives the wench's bottom a quick squeeze.

The Wench turns bright red and screams at you, leaping across the table with her hands outstretched.

Grinning like a fool, the Bard lets himself fall back onto the floor again, with the Wench on top of him.

>You're feisty. I like that!

Grabbing her hand, the Bard drags both himself and the Wench upright and drunkenly leans in for a kiss. Unfortunately, he is gifted with a clay mug hitting the side of his head and a ringing sound in his ear as he sees stars.

>Wha... Whoa... Wasn't expecting that.

I see. It seems that your foolproof plan was proof against all but the one fool that mattered.

>And what fool... Ugh... Would that be?

Yourself, of course!

>Screw... You....

As the Bard sways on his feet, the Wench kicks him in his privates; the Bard falls to the floor and knows no more.

----------------------------------------------------

>Ugh... My head...

As the Bard wakes up, he notices that he is on a threadbare cot. More importantly, the cot is located within a cell, of who's bars you can see from where you are lying down.

>Well... That did not go as planned.

>[What do?]

Burn down the tavern. As soon as the headache goes away.

>>10592099
We've been extremely charismatic. We just haven't been using it to get ahead; we've mostly been douchebags :/

>>10592268
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Is the flint still in your pocket? Maybe the guards just thoughtit was a rock.

If so, use if to light your cot on fire. When the guards come in, throw them in the fire and escape.

>>10592423
>Hey! I've still got that flint!

So you do.

>YES! I'll light the Cot on fire, and they'll HAVE to let me out of here!

Before I go on a long explanation that you'll probably ignore, let me ask you this: do you have anything to strike AGAINST the Flint?

>...No.

Do you have any tinder? Anything to keep the fire going?

>....
>....No

Still want to burn things?

>...Yes.

Then I suggest you figure out a way to escape, or at least get out of this cell.

>[What do?]

>>10592515
Yell that your cell mate is sick and throwing up, even if you don't have one.

Then, when they come in to investigate, hit them with the chamber pot!

>>10592557
Quickest legitimate death in a quest thread ever incoming?

>>10592557
Dude we're probably just in the drunk tank.

Just shout to let them know we're awake and they'll let us go.

>>10592593
Hey voices-in-the-Bard's-head, I don't here YOUR suggestions.

Bribe the guard with sexual promises.

>>10592557
>>10592593
Unfortunately, I must end on that note, as it is roughly 3:00 AM where I currently am. I will resume on this note at around the same time next Friday, however.

>>10592722
Fuck year Narrator.

I'll eagerly await your biting sarcasm and dry wit.

this is fuck-awesome. I loved The Bard's Tale so god-damn much...

fuck it, i'm downloading it so i can play again.

That was well done, Narrator. Nice quick pace for all the witty dialogue.

>>10592722
Sounds good, but don't always pick the first response. roll dice or pick the 3rd response or something. The first isn't always the best, especially when those requests of more depth must come later

>>10592807

fucking same, except I can't fucking bear Tommy Tallarico's name on it now