SOLDIER YOU WILL TURN THAT LMG RIGHT SIDE UP THIS FUCKING INSTANT

Is that a penis?

>Goshujin-Sama is here

Two minutes

>>10081889
No, it's an MG42. Men tend to make that mistake.

I DON'T WANT TO DIE

YES GOSHUJIN-SAMA IS HERE!

WHAT HAS COME BEFORE:

First Chapter: Part 1: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/9047710/

Most Recent Chapter: Part 28: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/9868374/

If you want to find the rest, they should be tagged "Maid Quest" on the archive.

-----

If you're pathetic enough to follow this fucking shit on twitter, it's at http://twitter.com/maidquesttg

-----

You are a young man who has suddenly come into an unexpected inheritance: a rather large mansion and a sizeable amount of money. However, your rather eccentric uncle has put a secret rider in his will: in order to inherit the money, you must:

1. Repair the rather old and decaying house.
2. Hire a full staff of maids to upkeep it.

At least, that's the basic idea. Things have gotten confused since then.

Loot
Alien Repair Bots
Reticulan Combat Android in a Sphere
Demonic Ace of Spades - Alicia's Phylactery
"Hidden Trait" - Activate to discover something mysterious about yourself previously unknown to all.

--Your Costumes:--
Magician (Magic Missile, Shield, Ritual Magic)

--Unassigned Costumes:--
None

YAAAAAY, I'm here at the beginning!

--Mansion Status:--
Facilities: Beachfront property, Huge Yacht ("Kat"), Secret Passages (Connects Master Bedroom to Maid Quarters).
Kitchen: Average (3 of 5) -> Quest: HIRE A CHEF
Decor: Good (4 of 5)
Gardens: Average (3 of 5)
Repair: PERFECT (6 of 5)
Beach: Good (4 of 5)

STAFF:
Reginald, Your Butler (Devoted)

Samantha, Your Head Maid (Devoted) - LOVE

Koyomi, your Japanese gamer science nerd. (Warm) - SEXED

SISTER FUCKING CARMINE, THE FUCKING FEMALE FUCKING ANGRY MARINE! (Neutral)
- Costume Option: Sexy Commissar
- Costume Add-on: Blood Splatter

Kristopher, formerly Katherine, the redheaded trap-kun (Distant)

Felicia, the cute catgirl (Warm) - SEXED

Jehanne, the paladin of Bahamut (Devoted) - SEXED

Alicia, the former Demon Queen of Lust, now in possession of Katherine's Love (Warm)

15 XP

Day 12 of 30

You are now in your bedroom. There is a portal to hell in your closet and all the hordes of Inferno are running towards it getting ready to pour into our dimension.

WHAT DO?

stop fagging up /tg/ with this horrible weeaboo shit

Put on Magician uniform, get ready to smite bitches.

>>10081889
>short hair
>flat chest
>crotch bulge
>lack of 'dat ass'

"Men, I think we have a boy in our ranks. Still I have to ask... would you tap that?!"

>>10081938
And our first troll of the night!

You have just gained the TROLL BONUS: +5 XP!

New XP total: 20

Alicia knows rituals, let's try to close it working in tandem with our magic abilities. That will at least delay them until a really strong one cockslaps them and decides to enter with its own portal.

>>10081972
>>10081942

You put on your robe and wizard hat. . .

AND THEN ROLL FOR INITIATIVE.

Someone roll 1d6.

Call for Reginald, Jehanne and Carmine. Get ready to kick ass for Disneyland.

Fucking FINALLY.

>>10081951

I love you XD

We need to get that thing sealed. Look to Alicia for help. Also, consider calling for reinforcements.

REGINALD, WE FUCKED UP BADLY.

rolled 2 = 2

FUCK

>>10082046

> 1

You have initiative.

Status:

You: 20 Spirit
Alicia: 20 Spirit

FIRST ROUND, WHAT DO?

> Call for Reginald, Jehanne and Carmine. Get ready to kick ass for Disneyland.

I second this plan of action

>>10082076
dance

rolled 2 = 2

Use the handbasket to create a moebius portal with this other portal! Ask Alicia on how much time should that take.

We have guns that can buy time

>>10082081
>>10082038
>>10082023
>>10081972

Your Action: Call for Reinforcements.
Alicia's Action: Attempt to Seal the Gate.

CONFIRM? Y/N

>>10082076

Destroy the support beams that hold up the roof of our bedroom. Let the fuckers wade through rubble.

How? I dunno, magic missile it?

>>10082109
Confirming.

>>10082109

>scream for help like a bitch

.... this is a smarter plan, I concur.

>>10082109
Confirm that shit, though how long for those reinforcements to arrive?

>>10082109
confirming

>>10082076
do we still have the ass pistol?
If so, use it
or, whatever gun we have,

say something vaguely prayer-like as we shoot, they are demons after all

Ok, confirming reinforce

>>10082169
we went down there armed to the teeth

>>10082119
>>10082116

"REGINALD!" you scream. "WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM HERE!!!!"

A moment later, you hear booted feet running up the stairs. . . and then your butler, Reginald, bursts into the room, confused. "Young Master? What is. . . Oh dear. Opened a gate to hell, now did we? That's not good at all."

> REGINALD has been added to your party.

"Get in here and help!" you shout to Reginald. "Alicia, quick! Seal the gate!"

Alicia sits on the ground, still stunned from how you dragged her through the portal in the middle of her big self-sacrifice scene. . .

> Your Affection: 12

. . . and gets back up. "Shut up!" she shouts to you. "Don't tell me what to do, you idiot!"

> Alicia rolls Magic.

Alicia raises her hands and spreads her wings, which glow with a deep purple light. She begins to chant a spell, and the gate starts to slowly close. . .

Only to be stopped, and slowly pried open, as a monster looking like some sort of enormous, frost-feathered bird appears in the gate. It opens its four-beaked mouth, revealing nine barbed tongues, and screams at you in a voice that sounds like the shrieking of the damned, causing frost to build up on the edges of your closet door. . .

> SHANTAK, DEMON OF FROST has arrived

>>10082188

QUICK, RUN TO OUR COMPUTER AND START CRYSIS WHILE REGINALD PUTS DOWN COVER FIRE.

After about 30 seconds on demo mode, the machine should melt down into a puddle of liquid fire.

>>10082188
Magic missile to the face or pull out the ass gun and shoot it in the goddamn mouth. Better yet find a way to do both at once!

>>10082188
Kill it with fire! Wait, on second thought, screw that, grab the napalm :D

>>10082188

>Alicia sits on the ground, still stunned from how you dragged her through the portal in the middle of her big self-sacrifice scene. . .

I see our main character is still giving convention flying jump-kicks in the face. reading the last thread that I missed; where he asks about Maximillian just as Alica goes to sip her tea. Fantastic.

>>10082188

SHANTAK reaches through the portal, and extends a nine-taloned claw towards Alicia. "YOU!" it hisses. "I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN THE HUMILIATIONS YOU HEAPED UPON ME! NOW THAT YOU ARE POWERLESS, I SHALL DRAG YOU BACK INTO MY DOMAIN AND VISIT UPON YOU TEN THOUSAND TORMENTS!"

> Shantak's Attack: 3
> Alicia's Defense: 12

Alicia manages to avoid the slashing claws, and recoils back from the portal, trembling. . . behind SHANTAK, you can see other demons fighting amongst each other to reach the portal, all of them screaming for Alicia's blood. . .

WHAT DO?

You've already drawn your ass-gun, by the way. You are armed.

>>10082252
Kick ass and chew bubblegum.

Do we have bombs? Can we explode SHANTAK?

>>10082270
I think we're out of bubblegum

>>10082282
You do not. Reginald may.

Can we use the shield ability we have from our magician's costume on Alicia? Then become slightly horrified at the thought of what she, as a demon lord of lust, did that demon to make him so angry.

>>10082303
Ask Reginald to explode SHANTAK with bombs.

>>10082252
>>10082267

Level the FEARSOME POWER of our .38 Charter Arms Undercover and LET FLY.

Those are +P HOLLOWPOINTS. THEIR FELL POWER SHALL BE FELT.

Cast magic missile.

Also, when we defeat, tell it to send a message to Tzeentch: Fuck you.

>>10082316
>>10082317

Your Action: Cast SHIELD on Alicia
Reginald's Action: Arc Light Fire Mission
Alicia's Action: Continue to close the portal.

CONFIRM?

>>10082329
confirm

>>10082329
CONFIRM

>. "I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN THE HUMILIATIONS YOU HEAPED UPON ME! NOW THAT YOU ARE POWERLESS, I SHALL DRAG YOU BACK INTO MY DOMAIN AND VISIT UPON YOU TEN THOUSAND TORMENTS!"

You all now realize this probably means Alicia raped a greater ice demon with nine tongues for shits and giggles.

>>10082188

>>10082353
Kinky?

>>10082329

CONFIRM.

WILLY-PETE AND GAMMON BOMBS UP IN THAT BITCH

>>10082386
YOU BET YOUR ANAL CIRCUMFERENCE IT IS

CONFIRM.

Remind demons that WE are on the business of humiliating Alicia now

"THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A COLD DAY AT DISNEYLAND!"

>>10082347
>>10082343

You begin by raising your hands and shouting out the magic words: "SHEELDSOPPREDALLERT!" There is a high pitched whine, a burst of red light, and then a blue sphere appears around Alicia.

Reginald, seeing the hordes behind the demon, knocks over a table, drags you and Alicia behind it, and then gets out his cell phone. "Samantha, if you would be a dear, would you call in a fire mission on my coordinates, please? Ranging shot."

He then pulls out a heavy-caliber pistol and begins to open fire at the hordes behind SHANTAK

> Reginald: 18
> The Hordes: 6

He scores a hit on one demon and knocks it back and down.

Alicia turns back towards the portal and raises her hands again, continuing to concentrate on closing the damn thing. . . as she does, she shouts at you, over her shoulder, "WHY!? Why the hell did you save me!? You don't even LIKE me, I've been nothing but a bitch to you!"

> Alicia's Magic Check is a secret

As she finishes shouting, SHANTAK opens up its gaping abyssal maw and exhales frost into the room!

> SHANTAK: 6
> You 8
> Alicia 8
> Reginald 24

Although it breathes, you are all safely behind the table and take no damage.

> 6+ check for more monsters: 6

SHANTAK tumbles into the room as a second demon pushes his way past him and into the entrance to the portal. "GET OUT OF MY WAY!" he roars, wreathed in flame. "I'M THE ONE WHO GETS FIRST DIBS AT RAPING THAT BITCH TO DEATH!"

> HOGO, demon of FIRE, has arrived.

SHIT YES MAID QUEST

>>10082472
"I said I was going to take you to Disneyland, and I'm not going back on that."

>>10082472

>"WHY!? Why the hell did you save me!? You don't even LIKE me, I've been nothing but a bitch to you!"

"PERVERTS MOVE IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS. NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP AND CAST."

Current Status:

You: 20 Spirit
Alicia: 20 Spirit
Reginald: 60 Spirit

SHANTAK: ?? Spirit
HOGO: ?? Spirit
The Horde: 4 Spirit

WHAT DO?

So...what happened to our automatic shotgun? We should use that.

Also: a request for clarification. Do we get to decide what the Hidden Trait is or is it some randomly rolled shit?

>Samantha, if you would be a dear, would you call in a fire mission on my coordinates, please? Ranging shot.

>we're indoors

>>10082516
If you choose to activate your Hidden Trait, you will have a choice between two or three options.

SHOOT GUNS AT DAEMONS
AND >>10082501

"To be fair, I'm not a saint either. Just look at my fa.mi.ly"

Let's try to trick Shantak and Hogo into bumping, that should be fun. Probably a called shot or something.

>>10082524
>nonlethalattacks.jpg

Kill the hordes first?

>>10082542
>>10082516

Your Action: Automatic Shotgun
Alicia's Action: Close Gate
Reginald's Action: ???

>>10082472
>demon of fire
>demon of frost
Oh, swell. Too bad we can't make them cancel each other out... can we?

Make them pissed off at each other, try and make them fight. Something like "Watch out for that real strong looking one! Nevermind the other one!"

>>10082529

Let's do it, it's go time.

Also unload our shotgun shells into the hordes to finish them off.

Call for help again, this time Jehanne.

>>10082565
>>10082570
Have Reginald try to get them to fight somehow.

>>10082544
confirm trick SHANTAK and HOGO into bumping

>>10082578
>>10082586

Your Action: Automatic Shotgun
Alicia's Action: Close Gate
Reginald's Action: Call for Aid: Jehanne

Also, you will activate your Hidden Trait.

Confirm? Y/N

>>10082599
Works for me

>>10082529
Right. Thanks. Is there a large-ass list of possibilities we could get a look at or what?

Also: scream for our lady paladin. She should be useful against the demons.

>>10082565

Reginald's action- softball a GAMMON BOMB near the demon of frost; see if you can't pinball the fucker into the DEMON OF FIRE.

As for answering the loli, GO WITH THE TROLLIEST ANSWER.

>>10082599
I guess now would be an interesting time, but I feel like we could just be making our situation worse.

I can go for shotgunning hordes. Specially with an artillery strike coming down

otherwise Shantak/Hogo shananigans

>>10082599
confirm

>>10082599
>CONFIRM

>>10082599

CONFIRM

do we have slugs for our shotgun?

Hey, Goshujin-Sama, don't leave us for so long next time.

I missed this thread.

>>10082624
>I feel like we could just be making our situation worse.
Unless 'Deathly Allergic: Demons' is an option I don't think it can get much worse.

>>10082669
open the twitter page late at night, refresh while idling

LET'S SHOTGUN DEMONS

>>10082599
>>10082607
>>10082588
>>10082593

I'll hold off on this turn while I take care of some bookkeeping since there seems to suddenly be a new vote. . .

All right, here goes. . . your HIDDEN TRAIT has activated. You may select one of the following "bloodline options" to activate.

1> Suddenly Minions: It turns out that you have suddenly gained a reasonable-sized horde of Minions who will follow your every command. Who knew?

2> Magic Bloodline: The blood of the mages in your past suddenly activates. Your magic power is greatly boosted, and you become a full-out magician with a wider spell list than just Magic Missile and Shield.

3. Favored of the Divine: You have attracted the attention of some deity. You become a paladin of that deity, and must follow their code of behavior, but gain additional powers.

CHOOSE YOUR FATE

>>10082681
It would explain why we're so hated.

>>10082687
2> Magic Bloodline

MAGIC BLOODLINE!

BE FUCKING BROKEN!

>>10082666
Well we certainly wouldn't take an unloaded shotgun to hell with us.

>>10082687

Guy who won the Hidden Trait here. Happy to see this list, SOO HAPPY.

I'd go with MAGEEEK. Casters > All, 3.5 IS TEH BORKEN LAWL

GUYS

2. We are our won god. Otherwise how much potential beamspam we have i dunno
3. We have a god. May or may not have repercussions depending on the god

>>10082687
Do we get to choose our diety?

Also, Magic Bloodlines anyway.

>>10082718
it was a question of whether we had slugs or shot loaded

>>10082687

Hard choice, but I vote for wizardry!

>>10082713
confirm 2

We must ask ourselves- what will let us troll both friends and allies the hardest?

Minions have potential here. Let us weigh carefully.

Goshujin, what are you drinking? I think I'll join you with the same selection.

>>10082687
Man, screw the magic. I want a pack of these adorable blighters running about the mansion. Voting for minions.

Protagonist used Thundara! It's fucking broken!

>>10082713
>>10082714
Another for the Magic Bloodline.

Overwhelming vote for Magic Bloodline. . . you have chosen your Hidden Trait. It will activate at a later turn.

Now, current actions. Alicia will close the gate, it seems, but what do you and Reginald do?

>>10082749
Nah dude, get magic. Then we can use Domination as a spell, so we don't even need minions.

>>10082746
Currently I'm sipping port and eating silton cheese and crackers. I'm in that kind of mood.

>>10082754
Attempt call everyone in the goddamn house into this room. Reginald brings the pain and defends Alicia while we she closes the gate by capping the demons in the head.

>>10082687
Magic bloodline.

3 would be nice, but unless there's a god of irredeemable perverts I don't think we could follow a paladins code.

do we have any dragonbreath shotgun rounds?

Reginald kills hordes
we try to null Shantak and Hogo by lolelementals

>>10082754

Vote for shooting at the hordes while Reggie calls for Jeanne. I have no idea how we'd make these 2 demons fight each other, but it would be great if we could.

Okay, here goes.

Alicia closes the gate
Reginald attacks.
You: 1. Attack, 2. Attempt to cause infighting, 3. Call for reinforcements.

Vote nao.

>>10082754
Our guns shoot bullets? Do we have any guns that shoot knives? Or a rocket launcher that launches explosive chainsaws? Because I have to imagine that would be more effective.

>>10082754
SHOOT! SHOOOOOOOT!

>>10082754

Go Samson on this motherfucker. BRING DOWN THE ROOF. Literally. Hopefully Reggie has something on him that will accomplish this.

Well, call reinforcements. The artillery will take care of the rest, right?

>>10082797

>Infighting

Let's do this. I doubt the mighty power of our fearsome .38 is going to do much against demons.

We need a Deagle.

INB4 SHOT PLACEMENT

>>10082796
2. cause infighting by seizing on the fact the fire one wants to go first.

>>10082797

We're pretty inflammatory, let's try to cause infighting.

>>10082797
We have a magical awakening soon, so lets attack now. Unload all our ammo into these fuckers, and maybe taunt them about who's stronger while we're at it

>>10082797
cause infighting

>>10082834

Compare the fire demon's dick to the frost demon's dick in a mocking fashion. "To death? You might bore her to death, haha!"

Infighting about who is a bad ass enough demon to take Alicia

>>10082861
Seconded

>>10082861
Or point out the ice one will melt before he gets his turn if the fire one goes first. Tell him the only chance he has got is if he disposes of him first. Or mock their dicks, both are good.

we should use the miniature grenades rounds

>>10082797
>3. Call for reinforcements.

>>10082861
confirm

Note to self: If / when this is over, seeing how we tend to run into demons on a regular basis we should get Koyomi on developing the BFG9000.

>>10082797
Attempt to cause infighting for great trolling.

Infighting is a-go.

>>10082859
>>10082844
>>10082834
>>10082830

So the first thing that happens is that you hear a CRUMP sound, and then a whistling sound, and then a mortar shell falls right through your bedroom skylight and lands in the middle of the room. . .

> You: 3 damage
> Alicia: 4 damage
> Reginald: 1 damage
> SHANTAK: 3 damage
> HOGO: 3 damage
> The Horde: 6 damage

As the mortar shell flies through the portal and lands amongst the demons, you see them hurled away, screaming in terror as the good ol' modern artillery blasts them to smithereens. "Get down!" you shout, and cover Alicia with your body, as some debris showers down on top of you.

Alicia growls and slaps at you as you lay on top of her. "GET OFF of me!" she shouts. "Seriously, what the HELL is your problem? You think that just because you're nice to me, I'll suddenly turn good? Life doesn't work that way, you naive. . ."

"Good, bad, you're STILL going to Disneyland!" you interrupt. "Now, let me think of a way to get these two assholes fighting each other. . ."

> Reginald Acts: 6
> SHANTAK defends: 3
> SHANTAK takes 2 damage

Reginald opens fire with his handgun as the blast clears, but doesn't manage to get in a good hit. The shot carries away a few feathers, but that's about it. "Young master!" Reginald calls out, as he sees more demons racing down the stairs of the tower. "This does not look good!"

>infighting

"NOT ENOUGH ROOM IN A LOLIGINA FOR TWO COCKS, GENTLEMEN. Please take a ticket and come to the front desk when your number is called."

Something even demons fear- a Secretary of State office.

Troll demons for infighting. That's kill stealing, mate!

>>10082942
>"Young master!" Reginald calls out, as he sees more demons racing down the stairs of the tower. "This does not look good!"

"Now would be a good time for some completely unlikely event to occur & turn the tide in our favor."

Okay, I need something from you guys: I need one of you to come up with a snappy one-liner to spout off to get the demons to start infighting. Think of it as your GM telling you to do some damn roleplaying.

In the meantime. . . SHANTAK pulls himself up from the mortar blast and screees in anger. "YOU FUCKER! i'LL KILL YOU LIMEY BASTARD!" he roars as he charges Reginald. . ."

> SHANTAK: 18
> Reginald: 18

His razor-sharp claws CLANG against Reginald's fairbairn-sykes dagger as the grim-faced brit parries the attack. "Oh dear," Reginald grimaces. "You didn't wipe your feet. Terribly sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave. . ."

HOGO laughs. "PITIFUL FOOL!" he sneers at SHANTAK. "DEFEATED BY A HUMAN! LET ME SHOW YOU HOW WE FIRE DEMONS DO IT!"

> HOGO Breathes FIRE!: 8
> You: 8
> Alicia: 12
> Reginald: 36
> SHANTAK: 12

. . . and does nothing but light your bedsheets on fire.

>>10082942

>mortar clean through the skylight

God DAMN, Samantha is fucking good. What the hell is she using, a 60mm chemical mortar?

Can Alica continue the sealing spell from outside the room? Because I vote we vacate the room and let Samantha hit the place with Willy-Pete while we cover the doorway.

Then we can bring up Carmine and have her grapple a motherfucker.

>>10083011
>snappy one-liner
Make sure it starts with the phrase, "Your momma's so fat".

>>10082942
Holster our gun, walk up to the nearest demon, pick his big ass up and throw him. Throw him into the other demon, and send both of them tumbling through the portal.

Put on a luchador mask beforehand, if necessary.

>>10083011

I'm trying, I'm trying!

>>10082972
>>10082861

Also:

"You breathe fire like

>>10083014
We're gonna have to refurnish our room...

Oh, well, the sheets were probably starting to smell anyway.

Commence with the trollan and the infightan!

>>10083011
>I need one of you to come up with a snappy one-liner to spout off to get the demons to start infighting.
How about a two-liner care of >>10082972
>"NOT ENOUGH ROOM IN A LOLIGINA FOR TWO COCKS, GENTLEMEN. Please take a ticket and come to the front desk when your number is called."

>>10083014
>>10083014
if we have Carmine and have her grapple one then make it the ice demon as her rage will keep her warm.

>>10083011
"I've made more impressive flames farting onto a match! Were you sucking on Frosty's cock earlier or what?"

>>10083011
>>10082972

I think I found my snappy one-liner. . .

-----

"Alicia?" you say, as you see the demons bickering. "I have an idea. Trust me."

"What?" Alicia asks, quizzically. "How the hell do you think you're going to handle this?"

"Trust me. . . do you trust me?"

> Affection: 8
> Alicia's Cunning: 9

-----
Spend 1 XP to succeed this roll?

>>10083011
"What's the matter, big guys? Afraid of being beaten by a puny little mortal?"

"Best just watch out for Shantak, Alicia. Even if Hogo gets you he'll just misFIRE all over the bedsheets."

>>10083081
Is this a trick question? YES.

Folks, Carmine isn't wearing her power armor anymore since she got the Commissar outfit if I remember correctly. She's sexy now, but she's not exactly too combat effective without it.

"Oh man, you guys are worse than ebony and ivory working together"

>>10083081
Spend 2 for good measure.

>>10083081
>Spend 1 XP to succeed this roll?
YES

>>10083081
Why the hell not, it's one xp.

>>10083081
DO IT

AFTER THAT IS MAGICAL SHOUJO TIEM

"WHERE'D YOU LEARN TO BREATHE FIRE ASSHOLE, THE FUCKING RINGLING BROTHERS? FUCK OFF, OR I'LL RAPE YOU AFTER I'M DONE WITH ICE CUBE HERE."

>>10083107
>>10083116
plus we got 5xp from the troll at the start of this thread.

>>10083081
>>10083104

Spend 2.

>>10083081

FUND IT. LITERALLY.

>>10083122
This is what Alicia should do.

>>10083107
>>10083097

You only need one. New total is 19

-----
". . . all right," Alicia says. "But if this is some stupid trick. . ."

"Trust me," you say.

And with that, you pick up your burning bedsheet and wave it over your head. "TRUCE! TRUCE!" you shout. "I SURRENDER!"

-----
> We are now out of combat
-----

SHANTAK and HOGO pause in the middle of their sneering and bickering and turn to look at you. "WHAT DO YOU WANT, PUNY MORTAL!?" SHANTAK growls.

". . . I want to surrender," you say.

". . . WHAT!?" Alicia howls. "You can't just. . ."

You quickly clamp your hand over her mouth and grin at the two demons. "I've decided to let you guys have her," you say.

>>10083081
Sure. It's 1 damn experience. We can get that through HOTBLOODED MANLINESS & VIRILITY or something.

brace for trolling

>imply that the "fire breath" was weaker than the chili you eat for lunch.

>>10083173

BRACE FOR IMPACT

>>10083146
If we luck out it's what WE'LL be doing only with more totally awesome lightning arcing off of it.

>>10083153

"Young master!" Reginald says, appalled. "You cannot mean to let these people. . ."

"Why not?" you say, off-handedly. "I mean, after all, this girl's been nothing but a bitch to me." You look down at Alicia and give her a significant look. "It's not like I like her, or anything. Or that I ever promised to take her to Disneyland."

> Affection: 6
> Alicia's Cunning: 9

Alicia notices the tone of your voice, and elbows you in the ribs, hard. "ASSHOLE!" she shouts. "FUCKING BASTARD!" She starts to struggle in your arms, but not very hard.

"See what I mean? Total bitch. Down, slut!" you sneer, and slap her across the face. Alicia falls down at your feet, putting a hand to her face, seemingly stunned. "Anyway," you say, walking over and putting your arm around one of the demons, "I was just thinking, you two want to bang her, right? She did you wrong, you're going to show her who's boss by giving her some good hot demon dicking, right? Sounds fine to met, just let me watch."

It's like I'm watching a cutscene in a real game :V

>>10083212

Ouch, fuck that hurts.

>>10083212
SHANTAK and HOGO look at each other, then at you, then at Alicia, then shrug. "FINE BY ME," SHANTAK says.

"I AM FINE WITH THIS," HOGO agrees.

"Great!" you say, grinning like a used car salesman. "Now, the only question is, which of you two will go first?"

"I WILL!" both demons say at the same time. They glare at each other.

>It's not like I like her, or anything.

Now WE'RE the tsundere?

>>10083263
Stand back, and try not to make your troll face too obvious.

>>10083212

>Just let me watch

I... actually have a /d/ folder that consists of at least 20% of this exact scenario.

>>10083250
THIS IS NO MGS 4, BOY! NO MGS 4!

>>10083263
Whisper to Reginald.

"Fetch the Bren."

Pull out cigar and do pic related.

>>10083271

That was literally one of the first trolls we pulled. We pulled a pre-emptive tsunadre-strike on the tsunadre.

One of Maid Quests finest moments, in fact.

dancingbird.gif

>>10083277

You take a step back as the two demons go nose to nose with each other, glaring at each other's eyes.

"I SHOULD GO FIRST," snarls SHANTAK. "IT WAS I WHO WAS LEFT NAKED WITH THREE PITCHFORKS IN MY ASS AT THE SUCCUBUS BALL AFTER THIS BITCH DECIDED TO SPIKE MY GOBLET OF BLOOD WITH ROOFIES!"

"NO, IT IS I WHO SUFFERED THE GREATER HUMILIATION!" howls HOGO. "FOR SHE IS THE ONE WHO SPREAD THE RUMOR AMONGST THE LILITU THAT MY PENIS IS THE SIZE OF A SINGLE PEANUT!"

"THEN WE SHALL DECIDE BY WHO HAS THE LARGER DONG!" SHANTAK declares. "DROP YOUR PANTS AND REVEAL WHAT YOU HAVE TO OFFER!"

"FUCK YOU, YOU FAGGOT! WHY DO YOU WANT TO SEE MY COCK FOR, YOU HOMO!" HOGO protests.

RAMIREZ CLOSE THE GATE WITH YOUR MAGIC

>>10083340
... I think I just gained a new level of respect for Alicia.

>>10083340

While they bitch, shall we send for Carmine...? Nah, she won't hold back. Let's wait until they actually start shit.

>>10083360

She probably knows the size of that demon's dong from firsthand experience.

>>10083364
Patience table-humper. We must wait until the demons have come to blows before we re-enter combat.

>>10083340
This is either going to get very violent, or very gay. Maybe both.

To Alicia just be like, "I approve." while attempting to hold your laughter.

Are demons going to show their honor?

>>10083379
If so, sounds like it would have been humiliating and non-consensual for him, and amusing for her.

>>10083390
Violently gay?

>>10083340
Give Alicia a quick grin of approval.

>>10083390
If one of the demons tries to anally rape the other, that will be a great opening for attack.

You know, just in case.

>port and crackers at hand

>demons getting the shit trolled out of them

>comparing demon dicks

Life is grand. I mean, I even had Ritz crackers and colby jack in the fridge to go with the Port. Hell yes.

>>10083308

"Reginald?" you whisper to your butler.

"Yes, young master?" Reginald says.

"Fetch the Bren Gun. . . also the others. Tell them to come armed," you say. Taking a cigar from the humidor on your desk, you light up and take a deep drag, grinning as you watch the two demons continue to argue.

"I KNOW WHY YOU DON'T WANT TO SHOW YOUR COCK," SHANTAK roars. "IT'S BECAUSE IT'S TINY, ISN'T IT? I BET THAT'S WHY LADY ASMODAY SPREAD THOSE RUMORS, BECAUSE YOUR COCK'S SMALLER THAN HER CLIT."

"FUCK YOU, AT LEAST I DIDN'T WIND UP WITH FARM IMPLEMENTS IN MY POOPER IN FRONT OF EVERY HOT BABE IN HELL!" HOGO howls. "WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, ANYWAY, TRYING TO SLIP ROOFIES IN HER DRINK? IT'S A TASTE OF YOUR OWN DAMN MEDICINE, IS WHAT IT IS!"

> Cunning roll: 9
> SHANTAK: 3
> HOGO: 16

"FUCK YOU, NO ONE DESERVES THAT! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!" SHANTAK screams.

"WAIT! THAT'S WHAT THAT FUCKER WANTS US TO--" HOGO realizes, too late. . .

> SHANTAK ATTACKS: 15
> HOGO DEFENDS: 12
> HOGO takes 3 damage as the frost-claws tear into his flesh. . .

Use this opportunity to sneak in more firepower, and perhaps have Reginald call in some adjustments on that last fire mission.

Needs more machinegun and grenade launcher.

Sneak attack time now?

Alicia, is the portal closed yet?

"Guys, don't worry, you totally have all the time in... well until the others arrive and try to one up you..."

>>10083448
we should still have mini grenade rounds for our shotgun

>>10083448

"Reginald, you think Kyomi could hold up one end of an M2 Browning and Khristopher, the other?"

>>10083448
>>10083420
>>10083417
>>10083413
>>10083397

You give Alicia a sly smirk as HOGO and SHANTAK start beating each other up. "See?" you say. "I told you to trust. . ."

"BAKA!" comes a high-pitched, feminine cry. There is the sound of two sudden THWAP THWAPS, and both demons wind up sitting on the ground rubbing their heads.

Standing in the portal now is a tall, sexy looking succubus babe holding a nail-bat. "IDIOTS!" the woman shouts at them. "Letting a human convince you to start infighting! Men are such idiots!"

"Who the hell is. . ." you wonder. . . and then the newcomer turns to you and smiles, bowing deeply.

"Pleased to meet you," she says. "My name is Lady Nerissa. And that bitch over there fucked my boyfriend." She points at Alicia.

> LADY NERISSA, demoness of NAILBATS, arrives.

>>10083528
I think we should keep those two as far away from combat as possible.

>>10083566
"Madam, 'that bitch' is my maid, and I shall not allow such remarks be directed towards her in my presence. I demand an apology."

>>10083566
"Your boyfriend clearly has poor taste in women."

>>10083600
I was going to make a suggestion, but this is a much better idea.

close the fucking portal already. Or let's get that trait going?

>>10083566
>And that bitch over there fucked my boyfriend

"If you want to get revenge for that, you'll have to get in a really long line."

>>10083566

Aww fuck!

"Is your boyfriend really worth all this effort?"

>>10083566
>BAKA!
>Lady Nerissa

Is it odd that I simultaneously want to RAGE her to death and lube her ass with a stick of butter before savagely pounding it?

>>10083618
I hope that by line we mean our dick

>>10083606
Liking this one, actually.

>>10083600

"An apology? That's rich," Lady Nerissa says. She stalks past the two cowering male demons and walks right up to you, putting her face right up to yours. "And what do you think that you can do, little human, against a Queen of Hell? I could snuff your life out like a candle, if I wanted, but since you amuse me, I've decided to spare your life for now. All I want is her," she says, pointing to Alicia. "Give her to me, and I'll let you live."

>>10083650
"No."

>>10083650

"Nothing doing. I still have to take her to Disney Land. As a proper gentleman, it wouldn't do for me to break my promises, no matter the origin of the lady."

>>10083650
"Go to Hell."

>>10083650
>And what do you think that you can do, little human, against a Queen of Hell?

"I already brought down one, I can do it again."

>>10083685
Fucking this. Just point at Alicia, depowered and in a maid uniform, and smirk.

"Fucked your boyfriend? You're demons, and what was he doing in the succubus party anyway? I mean everyone knows what happens there. How does he even has the courage to go visit another Hell Mafia Princess?"

>>10083677

>>10083685
"In fact I'm going for the record. Not sure what the current one is, but I think two is a good starting point."

"Going by my track record, beat you up, and make you a maid."

>>10083600
This. And it would be great to punctuate it by blasting her with some magic. Notthatourmagicalbloodlineshouldtakeeffectnoworanything.

>>10083650
"Mmm... nah."
Then pinch her tits.

>>10083566

"If he was lured away from you, you can obviously do better."

troll the demoness?

>>10083699

DO EET!

Also say: >>10083710

>>10083685
>>10083677
>>10083676
>>10083673

"Given that Memorial Day is coming up. . . I think I'll go for the historical reference and just say, "NUTS." "

"Nuts?"

"It means "Go to Hell," you say. "I've already taken down one Queen of Hell. What makes you think I can't take you down too?"

"A queen? Don't make me laugh. Queen of a tiny domain, a little podunk tower in the corner of jigoku," Lady Nerissa scoffs. "I think you will find me more. . . difficult prey."

>>10083448

"Young Master?" Reginald says, walking back into the room. "I hate to interrupt, but I have a message."

"And that is?" you ask.

"Incoming," Reginald says.

A moment later, a 60mm mortar shell hits Nerissa in the chest and hurls her back into the portal before making her explode.

>>10083650
It's tempting to say we be an ass & kiss her.

"I've got a uniform just about your size, bitch."

>>10083770
Great shot, Sam.

Waltz up to the remaining two demons and say, quietly:

"Now... fuck off."

>>10083770
Ha ha, that works.
Getting bored, Gashujin?

>>10083770

"Au revoir, Nerissa!"

And then we blow her a kiss while we close the portal. Because fuck this noise.

>>10083770
Fucking owned, though how did we not get some sort of splash damage from impact, 60mm rounds ain't nothing to laugh at, especially considering she was standing right in front of us

"Really guys, unless you hurry up there are only going to be more interruptions with your vengeance. I'm all for letting the early bird catch the worm but this party may get too crowded"

Use your new magic to make the nailbat catch flame and melt the ice demon. Then bind Nerissa

>>10083770
"Now then, are you two going to follow her back out, or do you also need to be... shown the door?"

>>10083798

This sounds good.

>>10083811
It didn't blow until it went through the portal.

Shout through the portal: "That was actually much easier!"

>A moment later, a 60mm mortar shell hits Nerissa in the chest and hurls her back into the portal before making her explode.

"And into the realm of fire..."

>>10083798

As the two demons look, agape, at Nerissa's smouldering wreckage of a corpse, you walk up to the two of them and put your foot up on the collapsed table.

"And she's got a bead right on you two as well," you say. "So fuck off."

> Cunning: 9
> SHANTAK: 15
> HOGO: 24

The two demons look at each other, then back at you, then smirk. "IT'LL TAKE HER A MOMENT TO RE-AIM," HOGO says.

"YOUNG MASTER!" Reginald shouts. "LOOK OU--"

> Your Defense Roll: 8
> SHANTAK's attack: 6
> HOGO's attack: 24

You fall to the ground with a rather large gash in your stomach as HOGO's claws rip into your gut.

>>10083770
>A moment later, a 60mm mortar shell hits Nerissa in the chest and hurls her back into the portal before making her explode.
Slip on a pair of bitchin' shades.

"2 for 2. Not bad."

THEN we blast those 2 demons with whatever magic we can drudge up. And Alicia goes back to portal closing.

"... she plunges."

BECOME EXALTED

KEEP TROLLING DEMONS

Completely unrelated thing here. Just a picture that Goshujin can use later if he finds it necessary.

>>10083871
Laaaame.

Open fire.

>>10083877

>>10083877

>>10083871

FIRE GUNS!

>>10083800

>implying that Goshujin didn't pull an epic LOL just now.

We kinda need that magical hax NAO

>>10083871
Being badass, we no-sell that shit, get right up, and punch the demon square in the face.

>>10083871
"It's only a flesh wound."

>>10083871
Fuck, cast shield on our self, proceed to fall back while holding our torn guts.

>>10083886

> Reginald's First Attack: 6
> HOGO's Defense: 16
> SHANTAK's Defense: 12

. . . Reginald raises his gun, but hesitates. He doesn't have a shot. . .

HOGO grabs you by the throat and lifts you to your feet, putting razor-sharp talons to your neck. "BACK OFF," he growls. "ONE FALSE MOVE AND HE DIES."

>>10083927
spit in his face

>>10083927

We need some magic right fucking now, man.

>>10083927
Magic missile him in the fucking eye

>>10083927
Well, that magic would be really convinient like RIGHT FUCKING NOW!

>>10083927

SILENT SPELL IN 3... 2... 1...

>>10083927
He's fire.
Take a nice, long piss on his leg.
That should do some damage.

>>10083927
So... Time for the Bloodline to trigger and for us to go Dragonblooded on their asses?

>>10083927
>ONE FALSE MOVE AND HE DIES.
Been there, done that. Duh.

fuck, gotta sleep

DON'T DIE ON ME /TG/

>no magic missile macros yet

Also, everybody going HURR MAGEEK is probably convincing the good GM to troll us in his usual awesome fashion. My vote is for assgun feint at the proper time.

>>10083918
Nah. Stand up & unload the entirety of our shotgun into his face. Or make with the blasting here. >>10083875

>>10083927
Spit in his eye. It'll freeze where it lands. Ice demon and all.

>>10083983
We're gonna get trolled one way or another. Might as well get on with it.

>>10083997
Hogo is the fire one dude

>>10083962
>>10083961
>>10083954
>>10083945
>>10083939

"ONE FALSE MOVE AND HE DIES," HOGO says.

"Fuck you," you sneer, and spit in his face.

"SUIT YOURSELF," HOGO says. His claw rips out your throat.

As you fall to the ground, gasping as you choke on your own blood, you see Alicia rise up from the bed screaming your name. You wish you could hear her, but the roaring in your ears is too loud. . .

As your life starts to fade away, you have to laugh. Last time you died, she wasn't so upset, you reflect, as HOGO and SHANTAK rush towards Reginald and Alicia, Reginald raising his Bren gun in a last-ditch attempt, as a new flood of demons rushes in through the gate. . .

-----
YOU ARE DEAD

CONTINUE? Y/N

I'd say kick him in the nuts, but it's probably too small a target.

>>10084024
Y

>>10084024

>magic powers

>in hell

FUND IT

>>10084024

Y. Where do we end up after death?

Y

Don't do stupid shit.

>>10084024
Well... Goshujin did warn us at the end of the last thread so I kinda expected this.

>>10084024
CONTINUE? Y

>>10084024
Seriously?

Fuck You.

We never even got that Bloodline.

>>10084024
Damn straight continue, death only seems to make us more badass, and net maids

>>10084024
Y
Continue

>>10083983
This is the closest I have.

>>10084057
Baaaaw, don't do stupid shit then.

>>10084024
That's... a little more trolling than we needed. Umm, continue/restart with our TRUE MAGIC POWERS ACTIVATION as a convenient save-our-ass plot device.

>>10084057
that could be how we CONTINUE

>dies
>goes to hell, again
>ends up 5 feet from the other end of the portal
>jumps back out

>>10084024
>you see Alicia rise up from the bed screaming your name.

... What IS our name, anyway?

>>10084024

shit can only get insane-er from here on out. And the fucking door is already open.

Actually... now we can attack them from behi-

CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED

>>10084024

Y

Haha, our continued refusal to stay dead starts to go up into Dark Schneider tterritory.

>>10084087

TIBERIUS MCAWESOME

>>10084089
Remember that demoness we completely pwned? Nerissa? Let's enslave- I mean, hire her on the way out.

As is befitting of our tradition of bringing maids with us when we leave Hell.

>>10084087

...Goddamnit.

>>10084024
>>10084051
>>10084046
>>10084045
>>10084039

> Y

You wake up and find yourself in a dungeon cell in hell. You are naked, and you are chained to a wall as a river of brimstone and magma flows past the barred window. It's all very familiar, and actually rather comforting.

There is the sound of heavy footsteps, and the jingling of chains. A monstrously fat, six-armed demon stalks down the stairs towards you, grinning. "Brought you a friend," he says.

He opens up the cell door and tosses something in. It's Alicia. She's beaten up pretty bad, it seems: there are a bunch of bruises all over her body, and she's got dried blood all over her. The jailer laughs as he walks away, slamming the dungeon door behind him, leaving you two alone.

>>10084098
we have a revolving door after life

>>10084057
You obviously don't GET this quest & need to leave.

>>10084024
>CONTINUE? Y/N
>Y
OBVIOUSLY.

>>10084116

"Well that was something."

>>10084116
See if we still have our good ol' ass canon.

>>10084116
"Well, that didn't go as planned."

>>10084116
We already know what to do in this situation. Masturbate!

>>10084116
"Well that could have worked out better."

has our mage blood line activated yet?

>>10084116
"Well, that could have gone better. Was a close thing, though. How're you holding up?"

>>10084139
You attempt to masturbate, but your hands are chained to the wall and you can't reach your dick. This bothers you more than it should.

Alicia stirs and slowly pulls herself up to her knees. She shakes her head and groans. "Hey. . . idiot," she sighs. "Are you alive? . . . relatively speaking?"

>>10084116

>implying Reginald sold her out to get the demons out of the house

Good man; otherwise we might not have held them off with ANY amount of firepower.

And now... for the trollface.

It occurs to me that the GM might be getting tired of this quest. And that he's getting drunker as the night goes on. And night-time /tg/ is now filtering in, in strength.

In short, shit is about to get extremely amusing.

>>10084175
"Yeah, if suffering from a raging stiffie at the moment. Mind helping me with these chains?"

>>10084116
See if she's conscious & find out how bad off she is along with what happened after we died.

>leaving you two alone.

Bow-chicka bow-wow...

Too soon?

>>10084175
"Enough. I'd be better if you were in good enough condition to rescue me, though."

"Not really, but when has that ever stopped me?"

>>10084165
>>10084152
>>10084137

"I could be better. That. . . didn't go as planned. How are you holding up?" you ask.

"Well, did I ever mention to you that I got my cherry back when I turned into. . . this?" Alicia asks, slowly getting up to her feet, pulling herself up using the prison door bars.

"I don't think so."

"Well, it's a moot point, now," Alicia says, offhandedly. You notice that some of the blood, by the way, is between her legs. "You know," she says, a mad smile on her lips, "That fucker HOGO seemed a lot smaller when I was. . . bigger. . ."

>>10084175
"Apparently. Frankly, I'm astonished they didn't just grab and pocket my soul... must have some sort of plan. Any speculation?"

>>10084175

"Fuck me, what about Reggie and all the maids? Are they okay?"

>>10084194
Second

>>10084175
"Well, my last stand was far less manly than I hoped it would be."

>>10084116
Ask Alicia what happened after we got cut up like a bitch, then see how well those chains are holding us to the wall

Are we autosaging?

>>10084217
A status report on the mansion and everyone would be handy.

>>10084217

>"Well, it's a moot point, now," Alicia says, offhandedly.

This fills me with rage and shame that we failed to save her from such violations....

... on the other hand, the contents of my /d/ folder say that I'm a fucking hypocrite.

>>10084239
yes

>>10084217
Regret that we weren't the one who got to pop it.

>>10084217

Well that sucks. Too bad I was too busy dying to see it. It would've been a sight.

>>10084239
Yarp

>>10084217
>Well, it's a moot point, now,
We're assraping that that demon so hard with a rake when we get out of here.

>>10084217
So we owe Hugo his own dick in a box, preferably dis-attached from his body...

Ask her if the maids and Reginald made it out in one piece, hopefully minus their own demonic rape scenes

lets try to magic the chains apart.

>>10084278

Someone archive this one, please.

>>10084217
"I'm sorry, Alicia. My plan failed. *sigh* They do that far too often. And you paid for it... though I suppose I did as well. Any ideas as to our first move for getting out of here?"

>>10084217
Well that's a bit of a downer.

>>10084276
We might still need the robe to do magic, since it is what allowed us the ability to use ritual magic, we may have innate ability, but the robe gave us a way to draw it out, no robe, no magiks

>>10084217
Now that's just not fair Goshu, we had dibs on her second virginity.

...Actually, correct me if I'm wrong, but now that we're just a soul, we're pretty much immune to what the demons can do to us, what with ancient blood pacts of our ancestors, right?
Also, after some time finding out how bad off she is, rail against hell and vow to make them pay, ranting more and more until we glow and burst from the demon shackles using our unknown magic. Don't stop to think about doing so and rush off, Alicia in arms.

>>10084217

"Fuck. They'll pay for that. Did any of the others make it out alive?"

>>10084312
We only had that pack with Asmoday/Alicia, not with any other demon

Goddamit, why didn't we get a magic powered retcon? This is sucking hard.

I'm going to make a little rhyme here, so everyone remembers what happened the last time we were in this situation, "Trips to hell, can end well"

>>10084406

Blame the idiot who thought it'd be a good idea to saunter up to two demons. We should have taken cover and used their shock to put round after round of STEHL RAIN into them.

As it is, it's time for the escape scene, so we should test our bonds, maybe see if we can get Alicia out first.

If the demons left our other companions alone, we are about to have a righteously enraged and sexually-frustrated Paladin and some other friends bring the smitings back into Hell.

Not to bitch, since I've seen the average stats for demons in the guide, but didn't those two get bullshittingly competent all of a sudden?

are we autosaging?

we could be autosaging