SO WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?

Before I begin, a quick explanation of the cellar in which the Captain of the Royal Elvish Guard is being kept. The cellar beneath the once-human manor assigned to us in the depths of the Elvish forest near their capital is a long, rectangular room, almost a square. It is lined with small rooms here and there. At one end, viewed longways, is the staircase leading into the cellar. On the other end, and to the left near the corner are some manacles driven into the floor and welded in place by my magic. The Captain of the Elvish Royal Guard is an Eladrin, so we blindfolded him, and put his arms together in a sort of metal sleeve behind his back, so he can't remove the blindfold and teleport around. The manacles are attached one to the wrist portion of the sleeve, and one around one of his ankles, to make it difficult for him to stand up and get leverage. One large Magic Circle against Fey (Ritual in the PHB) covers most of the room except the corners and part of the end near the stairs. A second, much smaller, Magic Circle against Fey is around the Captain, with him at its center, and goes all the way to the nearest corner, so that the two Circles have a substantial interlap. Wooden shelves, two or three columns of them and many rows, fill the room, holding wine bottles (I have moved several out, as my character pretends sometimes to have something of a drinking problem). Eyes of Warning (ritual in the PHB, misidentified as Eyes of Alarm in the last thread) have been set up in several key locations through the room to ensure nothing enters the circles.

Incidentally, my apologies for posting this so late at night. If few of last time's viewers are here, I'll happily delete the thread and try again at 6ish PM Eastern Time.

As I mentioned, the manor is near the capital. A ride of a day or so, and we've already received reinforcements in the form of Elvish guards (who, OOC, are there to murder/arrest me the moment the DM sees her chance, IC they're to secure the scene while the various Elvish bigwigs or their hippie equivalent decide what to do)

My Magic Circle against Fey has another use, you see, it will keep them from entering the room where the prisoner is kept, and more importantly the location where he is at is difficult to see from there.

>>7196404
Proceed.

Oh boy, more insane manipulative/puzzle solving shenanigans.

I also had a bit of an interesting surprise. The DM decided that the Elf guards who showed up WOULD question everyone about their alibi on that night. Mine came into question.

Everyone else had been awake and active at the party, while I had seemingly underestimated Elvish wine, consumed far too much, and was only able to mumble incoherently and doze on the couch. In reality, as I mentioned in an earlier thread, I had cast Phantom Mask on my Book Imp Familiar, made her look like me, and swapped us out when I went to go deliver the drugged wine, wait for it to take effect, and kill the Prince. My assistant and helper made sure she was the one who carried who carried 'me' up to bed a short while after I had carried out my mission, thus ensuring that I was seemingly within sight of several trustworthy people for the entirety of the span.

The DM, however, handwaved it as "they don't know precisely when he died, just generally." and had me questioned anyway. I don't know if she expected me to just...break or something, or slip up, so I kept reiterating that I'd had too much wine and had been soundly unconscious that night.

To avoid being caught by any potential lie-detection spells, I told only the utmost truth...I had, indeed, drank quite a bit of wine after returning to my room, and had then lapsed into a deep, drunken slumber. I slept the deep sleep of the just, that night.

This, of course, was when things got...perhaps weird is the best word.

In before DM Fiat player loses.

>>7196435
MY MIND.

YOU again? Hasn't the DM kicked you out yet? And if so, why the hell not?

>>7196597

Well, out with it man!

>>7196635

I gather because she desperately wants to keep players, and he is teaching her to be a better DM this way. Also, in thread 1, he basically said "yeah, even if I die doing this, I die acting in-character and being a badass".

So, props to OP.

>>7196635

Because besides being a yaoi fangirl hambeast, she can at least take derailing without throwing a bitchfit.

>>7196660

It sounds to me like she threw a bitchfit and got "no, that wouldn't work'd" by the other players.

>>7196635

From what I understand, she's actually a good, if fairly unsubtle, DM with an unfortunate propensity for inserting Eragon-esque levels of gratuitous man-on-elf loving.

Forgot how this guy takes a while to post. Augh.

>>7196703

I wonder why he doesn't just type it all up beforehand.

I mentioned this before, but my assistant plays an incredibly mercenary female Half-Orc Ranger. I'd explained to her earlier how imperative it is that we always tell the technical truth, and being caught in a lie could be disastrous.

Add to that, while I have insanely high Bluff, due to being an Illusionist with Charisma as my Secondary trait, she doesn't have that advantage. Since she had gone to her room after dropping off 'me' at mine, she was questioned at some length, too.

She was asked, by a Cleric with Discern Lies, if she had remained in her room all night after leaving me . She answered in the negative, and...the NPC Cleric's lie detector goes off. She's pressed on the issue (because if she left again right after leaving me, that leaves her with zero alibi AND she is very handy with a sword, like the murder weapon) and finally comes clean.

As I warned you, this is where things got weird, she admitted that she had been sleeping with me that night. An event I was totally unaware of, and had never come up before. She doesn't roll Bluff, the Cleric registers the statement as true.

>>7196703

I'm sorry, it's just a bit of a bitch to go through my logs, and I really do want to give a detailed, informative, play-by-play. That's why it takes a while.

>>7196791

You almost got raped, son.

Wait, what?

>>7196814
So your sidekick slept with your doppleganger?

>>7196791

>>7196850
You took advantage of my familiar disguised as me?!

Wait, wasn't it only illusion magic on the familiar? How... How would that work for the sexing?

>>7196850

My doppelganger is a female Book Imp, and entirely asexual. No, the truth is weirder than that, because my Familiar was alone when I got back.

Besides, she knew the Familiar wasn't me, if she'd slept with it, and said she slept with me, it would have registered as a lie unless very cleverly worded.

>>7196885
Please don't tell us that it was 'if I can't get him to sleep with my Yaoi elves, I'll let the ranger rape him in his sleep'.

..please?

i'll say what everyone is thinking.

do we have to paint you red or something? FASTA YA GROT FASTA

It took a while to dig through my logs, and ask questions, but I sussed out the truth eventually, and I don't know whether it makes my compatriot brilliant, or intensely creepy. I can't quite figure out her motivation.

See, as I mentioned, after I returned from commiting murder, under cover of an Invisibility spell, I took steps to make my earlier disguise of drunkenness genuine. I drank enough Elvish wine to put an elephant to sleep, and fell into bed, bracing myself for the deliberately-induced hangover the next morning would bring.

Prior to this, before I had committed the murders, I'd requested a fifteen-minute-break while I was bringing the drugged wine to the Prince and the Royal Guard. Ostensibly, this was to get some food, but in reality I was working up my nerve to take the plunge.

During that time period, my assistant PM'd the DM, saying that after I got back, she intended to ply me with liquor and then bed me when I was well and truly drunk (although I have a decent Con score, so I'm not sure how well that would work). I explained my plans in more detail to my assistant when I got back, and apparently she PM'd to the DM that since I was planning on drinking when I returned, she'd take advantage of me then. The DM agreed because "I needed to loosen up". Also something about it being character development. Little did she know.

So, the murders go forth as planned...I return to my room, get drunk, go to sleep. The Half-Orc then follows me to bed and ravishes me while I'm too soused to remember it.

>>7196906

>Please don't tell us that it was 'if I can't get him to sleep with my Yaoi elves, I'll let the ranger rape him in his sleep'.

Sadly, it was exactly this. When I was disguised as an Elvish servant bringing the wine to the Prince and Royal Guard Captain, they even tried to cozen me into a threesome. So, basically, everything you said is true.

ugh.

i now hate OP's DM even more.

You're lucky the Ranger is female. If she was playing a male character, I bet the DM would have DOUBLE APPROVED it.

>>7197022
Oh wow. How does the DM think this is good story telling?

Also: OP, if things go bad, do you have an escape plan?

>>7196994

>The Half-Orc then follows me to bed and ravishes me while I'm too soused to remember it.

I find this hilarious, mostly because your compatriot did something above and beyond the call of duty to secure her own alibi. If it was just the DM's yaoi schlickficking, I'd've raged instead.
Do you know IC that she nookie'd you?

>>7197037

Yes. I need ten minutes to use it, though. Linked Portal (PHB) to the Permanent Circle at the Wizard's Guild back in the Human Capital. I've been keeping it quiet that I know it in the hopes that the DM has forgotten.

>>7197093
She admitted it IC.

Hell, if the DM has a "Luuuuuurve" story to tack onto the murder, she might just roll with it.

most interesting thread despite OP taking a while to post to keep his facts straight.

OP why don't you just burn this forest?

>>7197093

I only just found out, and didn't have much time to react. But, yes. Weeaboo flipped out again, I don't know why. So now I know, and it led to a hilarious conversation where she basically terrified me with depictions of how I might have to pay child support, made several puns about it being "magical", made references to my "Cunning Quarterstaff", and generally DOHOHO'd it up.

>>7196994
dude..... you got date raped by a half-orc

thats fucking awsome.

The DM, at this point, rather smugly pointed out (still with all NPCs being unusually distrustful of me) that having a Half-Orc lover would probably jeopardize my career. I expect that she intends to use this information to keep me from getting a massive boost in power/a promotion when I deliver the Captain of the Guard's head to the Human King with an explanation that this creature is responsible for his son's demise. I don't think she realizes that power was never the point.

I am beginning to think I am well on my way to becoming the BBEG.

>>7197191

Now I have a picture in my mind, "Your father and I met on a strike mission deep in elven territory, where we conspired to kill a butt pirate and frame his elf-lover. You were conceived out of our respective efforts to secure alibis for ourselves. It was magical."

>>7197190

In all likelihood, the Elves would just put the fire out. Or the trees would all come to life and dunk their branches in the fairy faggot lakes or something.

>>7197262
Maybe you should point out

Lover = Consensual
Drunk Rape = / = Lover

>>7197262
Well, what else happened? Or did you not get past the interrogations?

Also, if the elves have no crime, why the fuck are there investigators?

>>7197262
That actually sounds...pretty God damn awesome.

As a BBEG wizard, what would you prefer? A Saurman style tower? A trap filled tomb? A under ground temple?

>>7197295

The Elves have a SMALL amount of crime, regarded as aberrant and very, very rare. They didn't send investigators so much as "guards with a few low-level Clerics who knew Discern Lies, but had low Int so their Religion wasn't high enough to even matter" to ask everyone questions. I'm chalking it up to DM bullshit, but it's fairly reasonably explained.

>>7197307

Saruman-style tower with a trap-filled tomb beneath it, part of which is an underground temple.

>>7197345

...failing that, I'll take the throne of the Human Royal Family. I know if I keep this up, I might be able to become King.

>>7197289

If you woke up with a curvy, muscular, Half-Orc Ranger woman wrapped around you, her hair smelling like campfire smoke and her fanged mouth curved in a protective, knowing grin, would you push her away?

>>7197307

I would build an elaborate Saruman-style tower, but have it be a decoy. My real lair would be a quiet, unassuming townhouse in the nearest capital city, with a large cellar to carry out my nefarious experiments from.

GOOD WORK OP,
YOU WILL DESTROY THESE DAMN ELFS
AND BRING THE WORLD UNDER YOUR CONTROL

>>7197377
I would not only push her away
Id get some rope and pretend that we're going for round two
Once bonded up, I slit her throat draining her lifeblood into a flask for later
I find a necromancer or I do it myself raising her to be a zombie and letting the skin rot off her bones
One rotted enough I slaughter the zombie and cook a delicious stew flavored with lifeblood
I give this stew to the elfs

>>7197421

rolled 6, 2, 1 = 9

>>7197377
Half-Orc? First I would check to see how many bones are broken. At the very least I would expect bruises.

>>7197421

You're on the wrong board, then.

>>7197354

That would be about twelve kinds of epic.

>>7197380
Aside from the magnificent bastardry in both, I don't see how that's related. OP is working FOR the royal family and FOR his own country.

LoGH would probably be more fitting, but it's still not a very good comparison.

>>7197452
No im not, Last time I checked /tg/ wanted to be the little girl

rolled 6, 6, 3 = 15

>>7197438
I suppose then I'd cast a minor heal spell and go for rounds 2-15.

>>7197191
>Weeaboo flipped out again, I don't know why.

I do. He's jealous, dude, you pulled off a massive Just As Planned, and you got LAID in the bargain. Weeaboos in gaming tend to be very lonely, and try to pretend-hump any female character nearby. You've got the friends, the power, the girl, and the balls to stand up to the DM. What does he have? Nothing.

>>7197434

that episode gave me more nightmares than the ramses one.

>>7197462

How about this?

>>7197289
Eh, it worked in The Way We Were...

Then again that scene ruined any chance of Streissand's character being anything less that a manipulative creep for me, so there's that.

OKAY, I NEED TO KNOW WHAT A MODERATELY ATTRACTIVE HALF-ORC CHICK WOULD LOOK LIKE, THIS JUST WON'T SIT WELL WITH ME UNTIL I DO.

>>7197554
Here you go.

>>7197568
You did good OP, you did good.

>>7197554

>>7197568
I'm gonna make a Nature check on that one...

>>7197568

Sir, that is a bear.

rolled 3, 5, 4 = 12

>>7197554
Would you hit this?

>>7197609
Your a bear

Has OP abandoned us?

>>7197585
NOW THIS I CAN GET BEHIND instantrimshot.com

>>7197640
He'll always be there in our HEARTS anon.

Thwarting Yaoi DMs, enraging weeaboos, murdering elves for political reasons, and unknowingly drunkenly getting the girl.

The rest of the interrogations went smoothly. Aside from a single servant who'd been informed by another elf servant that he was relieved of duty for the evening and could go party with the others (the 'other' servant could not be found, with good cause, since it was me in disguise)

The Dwarf brothers spent their time telling outrageous lies to mess with the person casting Discern Lies. The Bard brother had insane Charisma, high Bluff, and would make up an outrageous story, the Fighter brother had Charisma 9ish (dump stat) and no Bluff, and would confirm it. First giving a positive, then a negative, on the truthfulness of their statements. Sometimes they'd switch off. Also, they wore identical clothing. Dwarves just love making Elves suffer.

The Weeaboo did everything he could to make me sound bad, said I'd been a bigot from the beginning, recommended I have nothing to do with the investigation...etc. Because we were all making sure he rolled for all of his Bluff checks, and that the Cleric using Discern Lies was doing Insight properly, he actually got caught in a few lies where he claimed I'd been "sneaking off".

Our final player had nothing really of interest to say, had a rock-solid alibi, hadn't seen anything.

So... next step is to frame the Half-Orc for a murder.

>>7197701
Doubtful, shes been working with him from the beginning, and also may be his lieutenant/mistress when he's becomes a BBEG.

>>7197701
>>7197716

Or wife.

The OP's character is a xenophobic racist. Or at least that's his motivation for starting all of this. It would be a huge betrayal of principles for him to not either flip the fuck out or start planning cold, spiky, painful revenge.

>>7197680

okay, weaboo's being a bitch. You did call him out on the fact he's trying to frame you, right? Forget the fact you did it, but he has no proof you did so.

>>7197680
>The Dwarf brothers spent their time telling outrageous lies to mess with the person casting Discern Lies. The Bard brother had insane Charisma, high Bluff, and would make up an outrageous story, the Fighter brother had Charisma 9ish (dump stat) and no Bluff, and would confirm it. First giving a positive, then a negative, on the truthfulness of their statements. Sometimes they'd switch off. Also, they wore identical clothing

I spat cola all over my screen laughing.

>>7197777

Weeaboo has been a bitch since the beginning. I mean, OP is already considering framing him.

>>7197764
Hey, she's only half-orc, and she hates elves. She can't be all bad. Besides, humans and orcs might be allied against the elves or something, we don't know.

>>7197764

However, he's also a cold, calculating xenophobic racist. He likely won't do anything until he's absolutely sure that it won't jeopardize his plans. Besides, he's only really been shown to hate elves. Maybe there's a ladder of racism, like Humans > Dwarves > Gnomes/Halflings > Orcs > THOSE FUCKING ELVES. The Half-Orc has also got human blood, so that can be better or worse depending upon fantasy human views on miscegenation.

>The Dwarf brothers spent their time telling outrageous lies to mess with the person casting Discern Lies. The Bard brother had insane Charisma, high Bluff, and would make up an outrageous story, the Fighter brother had Charisma 9ish (dump stat) and no Bluff, and would confirm it. First giving a positive, then a negative, on the truthfulness of their statements. Sometimes they'd switch off. Also, they wore identical clothing. Dwarves just love making Elves suffer.

I want these guys in my next campaign. So badly.

>>7197764
>>7197836

If I was that xenophobic, I wouldn't be in a mostly-non-human group. I just dislike the elvish civilization, how pretentious and "better than everyone" they are, and was acting in the best interests of my nation and the Human Royal Family.

This is about pragmatism, not xenophobia.

Also, Half-Orc and I get along fine. Since IC I'm now somewhere between blue screen of death level shock and grumbling acceptance, it's not like I've flipped out at her more than necessary, and I have no plans to kill her.

Still not sure how I should feel about being molested by her, though. I definitely know the DM's acceptance of it is creepy.

>this thread

MAN UP AND KILL ALL THE ELVES ALREADY, I'M TIRED OF THIS QUEST ARC

BY THE GODS, I DISAPPROVE OF YOU, OP, AND YOUR CRAVEN WAYS.

>>7197933

Works of art take time to create. Our good OP has seen the angel, and is working fervently to release it from its marble prison.

>>7197933
Typical that you disapprove of something that a fair number of us are enjoying.

>>7197933
Of fucking course the bitch disapproves.

OP, keep going. You are a magnificent bastard.

Has this been archived yet?

Important: Is the half-orc played by a male? If so, that's creepy as all fuck. If not, then it's really hot and you should hit on her IC and OOC.

Now seriously, the weeaboo is fucking up with his lies. Try to find a way to turn them on him, call into doubt his own actions.

>>7198033

Female, and I am fairly certain the weeaboo must die.

OP, do you have any more juicy bits, or is that all for tonight?

Also you should collect your statements in a text doc before posting.

>>7197877

You did just get raped. I'd say that's justification to start a brand new prejudice.

Of course I'm just trying to make you enact more devious plots for my reading amusement.

>>7198105
As anyone in /r9k/ will tell you, rape is dependent on the attractiveness of the person doing it. If she's attractve, then she's just unsure of how to express her feelings and is worried you'll reject her. If she's ugly, she's a selfish troll who used your body as a convenience and should be punished.

Yes, that was the entirety of the session. It was short eventswise because so much roleplaying was going on. Lots of melodramatic Elves-weeping-over-the-Prince's-body stuff.

Can someone archive this?

>>7198105

Against his loyal sidekick? Naw, dude.

Could you set up the weeaboo and the cotg as having fallen in love at first sight, and conspired to kill the prince for some reason? If you leave an opportunity for weeaboo to break into the cellar you can catch them red-handed, and bring out the evidence of their involvement.

>>7198230

Why are the elves so stupidly unrealistic? Unless they hadn't noticed, the human war machine is burning a bloody swathe through their glens, glades, and other nature-related g-words. I mean, seriously.

>>7198262
Elves are just wanting to live alone. OP is trying to instigate a war because it'll help his country, and because the prince is a shame to his people for being a fag-xenophile.

>>7198262

They noticed and wanted to send the humie prince home to create peace, dude. Not that it will work now.

>>7197877
Your character obviously has issues, whatever you call them. Your whole "yeah, i'm a dick because the human kingdom is dickish - but I only roleplay it so long as it angers the dm" is bad.

>>7198292
Why not ? Raise dead is not beyond the ressources of the human royalty.

>>7198362

Assuming they send the prince's body home, there's a 30-day limit on Raise Dead in 4th edition.

>>7198362
>>7198372

As OP has stated in prior threads, the elves have some taboo against raising the dead.

>>7198395
Yeah, but a taboo is not worth a war, plus they wouldn't raise anyone, the humans can do it. Keeping the corpse from his family to ensure that it won't be raised would be out of character from these kind and understanding elves.
>>7198372
I don't think the next human cleric is farther than a 29 days ride since they're at war, but there's gentle repose if not.

>>7198288

The war is already ongoing. OP is trying to continue the warfare, as the elves are ducking out of the fight.

OP, you are too awesome for my suggestions to matter anymore. You have the best co-conspirator you could ever hope for. Do not bring anyone else in on the plan.

Does the weeaboo need further discrediting, or is he totally unbelieved by the elves at large?

>>7198445
You might be able to enlist the aid of the dwarves if their elf-hate is as strong as yours.

Is OP still here ?
Why are these dwarves in a human strike force ?

>>7198535

They are dwarves. What more reason do they need to attack elves?

>>7198561
Because obeying humans.

Magic Circle against Fey doesn't stop Elves. Your plan has a mistake in the first section.

>>7198654
Yes it does. All Elves count as Fey. It's one of their racial features.

>>7198676
Isn't that Eladrin?

>>7198746
RACIAL TRAITS

Average Height: 5' 4" - 6'0"
Average Weight: 130 - 170

Ability scores: +2 Dexterity, +2 Wisdom
Size: Medium
Speed: 7 squares.
Vision: Low-Light

Languages: Common, Elven
Skill Bonuses: +2 Nature, +2 Perception.
Elven Accuracy: You can use elven accuracy as an encounter power.
Elven Weapon Proficiency: You gain proficiency with the longbow and the shortbow.
Fey Origin: Your ancestors were native to the Feywild, so you are considered a fey creature for the purpose of effects that relate to creature origin.
Group Awareness: You grant non-elf allies within 5 squares of you a +1 racial bonus to Perception checks.
Wild Step: You ignore difficult terrain when you shift (even if you have a power that allows you to shift multiple squares).

>>7198746

Whenever someone says "Elves" in this thread, they mean Eladrin. References have been made to the fact that you can't teleport out of a Circle.

>>7198746
Elves, Eladrin, and Gnomes are all Fey.

>>7198795
Huh.

>>7198775
Fair enough. Sorry for my mistake, thanks for clearing that up.

>>7198800
No problem. Elves are the least Fey of them all, so I can see how you could make that mistake. I also forgot to include Drow in my list of Fey playable races.

>>7198836
Fuck. I forgot Wilden too.

I prefered when elves were unrelated to the fey.

>>7198903
You mean when they were Norse dorfs?

>>7198947
Yep.
Or, in DnD cosmology, when they were descended from chaotic good celestials.

>>7197933
Ayn Rand dissaproves -10

>>7198967
I mean, it seems to me that this shift made the kind of faggotry in which revel OP and his DM easier. No one really wants to give elves the uncaring, alien mind of the fey, but at the same time they're no longer supposed to inherit from a haughty warriorish culture, and we end up with bland and boring hidden pacifist and pacified kingdoms.

>>7198445

I'd say, despite not being OP, all suggestions are welcome.

>>7198436

Yeah, and if they send the body back with the PCs (because sending Elves sounds like a good way for some Elves to die when they meet human troops) OP can easily set fire to the corpse, or bury it, or something.

>>7198783

OP said earlier that the "Elvish" kingdom was composed of both Elves and Eladrin.

>>7198783

Not really. OP has mentioned that the "Elvish Kingdom" has both types.