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  • File : 1259474322.jpg-(46 KB, 370x370, Roman Coins.jpg)
    46 KB Greed !!u95zbWX8j7r 11/29/09(Sun)00:58 No.6916061  
    Imagine this /tg/

    Your party has been dungeon crawling a dungeon for hours, taking down bigger and badder bosses, until you find the ancient treasure that has lead you to the dungeon in the first place.

    Now, what would the most disappointing outcome of this situation be? (What would be the -Worst- Ancient Artifact of all time?). Additional Rules: There has to be an artifact, that would be technically considered an artifact.

    Anything that uses irony gets bonus points.
    >> Firstquest 11/29/09(Sun)01:00 No.6916079
    A magical map that leads to another, worse dungeon, that does not explain what the prize of THAT dungeon would be.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:01 No.6916092
    A pair of ancient gambling dice.

    ...to a group of paladins, clerics, and monks who swore to never have anything to do with gambling again.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:01 No.6916096
    Magical Chalk that changes color based on how pleased it is with you. And that is all.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:02 No.6916099
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:02 No.6916106
    It's all Enron stock.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:02 No.6916107
    An ancient "IOU" note.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:02 No.6916108
    A magic item, tailor made to defeat the previous bosses in one hit? And only them>
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:02 No.6916110
    An old man that tells them the true treasure was their teamwork and dedication to each other.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:03 No.6916114

    Oh god I laughed
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:04 No.6916124
    Blankets of blissful comfort.

    Whoever puts them on gets smitten by an overwhelming feeling of comfort, and must take a DC 25 will save, or wrap them around them, smiling brightly, lying down, and taking a nice, long, eternal nap.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:04 No.6916125
    A stone ring that changes color like a mood ring, except it just judges from your body temperature through magic.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:05 No.6916131
    "I'm sorry but your treasure is in another dungeon"
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:05 No.6916133
    A full deck of many things next to the skeletal bodies of the last party to reach the level. Also, a note telling them that the princess is in another castle.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:06 No.6916146
    A map of the dungeon they just fought through, it shows them, as they move, all the monsters and all of the treasure.

    You could make this a universal dungeon map (only inaccurate floor plans for other dungeons tho) or it could be a map that shows the quickest rout back to the dungeon from any point in the entire world.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:07 No.6916155
    Anything extremely heavy, especially if the dungeon they went through had swimming or climbing elements. An anti-magic fields ought to keep teleportation shenanigans at bay.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:08 No.6916162
    The magic ring of doubt.
    >> Firstquest 11/29/09(Sun)01:08 No.6916170
    I don't know if that would work...
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:08 No.6916171
    A giant copper statue that weighs 100 tons. Worth about 100 golds if the party figures out a way to bring it into a large city.

    (curse you kobold caves and your 50,000 copper coin "treasure" pile)
    >> Strudel110 11/29/09(Sun)01:09 No.6916176
    Either an indestructable, unopenable box, or the Truly Immovable Rod
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:09 No.6916178
    There was a Sluggy Freelance comic a while back. It was one of the Bikini Frisbee Suicide Days guest strips. Riff and Torg dig up a pirate chest only to find out it contains nothing but a plaque which reads "The real treasure in life, is friendship."

    then, after they leave disapointed, the pirate comes along and comments that no one /ever/ looks under the plaque.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:10 No.6916189
    Piles of coins of the long dead civilization's currency.

    They made their coins out of lead.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:10 No.6916191
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    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:11 No.6916199
    Tinsel. Congrats, you've found the Christmas decorations. The kicker: it's July, and you've got nowhere else to keep them. You're going to have to do this again come December.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:11 No.6916206
    Have the artifact be a phylactery for a powerful lich who shows up right as the party touches it. The lich then revives everything in the dungeon as zombies or skeletons, teleports the artifact away (including whoever happens to be touching it at the time. The lich decided to teleport the artifact into a volcano), and then collapses the dungeon.

    Play this music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24t-Sor4zuw
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:17 No.6916270

    That's just evil.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:21 No.6916306
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    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:23 No.6916329
    Well, if you want the easy way out go with a cursed ring of wishes. just follow the letter and not intent. If you're feeling like fucking with them good, warn them that it'll be that type of wish, tell them they have till the end of the session to make their wish, and then take whatever complicated contract of a wish they come up with and still poke holes in it.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:24 No.6916350
    I don't know about the in game value of copper, but IRL, 100 tons of copper is worth a fortune, literally.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:25 No.6916362

    IRL copper has that value due to its electrical applications.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:26 No.6916369
    better music
    >> 5 11/29/09(Sun)01:27 No.6916376
    It's a giant treasure chest full of chocolate coins.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:28 No.6916385
    100 tons of copper would have a lot of value in game land too.

    figure it out, an average copper coin weighs 2-3 oz.

    16 oz in a pound, 2000 pounds in a ton.

    that is A FUCK TON OF MONEY.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:30 No.6916398
    I actually pulled this one on a group of PCs once. A 'rougish' mercenary game. They learned the location of a lost treasure under the main city of the game called the Treasure of the Beggar King. Many traps, pitfalls, and monsters later the party was awarded 10,000 GP....in copper coins and a magical bag that converts any gold coin placed in it to the equivalent amount in copper.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:30 No.6916400

    A small pouch labeled, "The defiler of civilization." The problem is it produces high value coins from an ancient empire that are minted from a shitty metal like tin, which happened to be rare back in the days of that empire. Now, your party may cry "historic value?!" Nope, not only are these coins minted from a virtually useless and supremely common metal, but they have very little historic value thanks to the empire not being particularly long lived or known for anything but wondrous item creation of a more frivolous fashion (aka like this coin pouch)

    So your party ends up with an endless supply of a small handful of coins at a time of some shitty and worthless coins.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:31 No.6916414

    Monkey's Paw. Grants every wish in the most detrimental manner possible to the wisher.


    D&D core doesn't really take scarcity into account, and typically neither do DMs. Dark Sun is the exception. Which is good, I suppose, when you consider the rate at which adventuring parties go through pearls, diamond dust, granite dust, etc.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:31 No.6916416
    Give them a racially themed artifact that doesnt match up with any of their races.
    >> Greed !!u95zbWX8j7r 11/29/09(Sun)01:31 No.6916418

    >Treasure of the Beggar King

    That actually sounds pretty badass.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:32 No.6916424
    Four Pounds of Saffron in a clay pot.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:32 No.6916429
    Is that a metric, or imperial fuckton?
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:33 No.6916432
    An ancient sword that looks like a giant floppy dildo to anyone who isn't wielding it. Looks normal if nobody is wielding it. Also anytime the wielder makes a reference to it it sounds like they are saying "dildo" or "giant floppy dong"
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:33 No.6916433
    The Firefly character, not the spice.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:33 No.6916441

    Someone tried to do this shit to me in a GURPS game one time.

    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:35 No.6916462

    In a campaign with any sort of trade, that's worth more than a diamond as big as your fist.


    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:37 No.6916472
    An ancient store of magical fire wood which can be kept burning eternally, the item needed to save a frozen world.

    The problem?

    It's been there so long that it has petrified and is thus rendered useless.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:37 No.6916474

    Then spell it properly. Fucktonne. FUCKTONNE.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:37 No.6916478
    judging by the content, he must be using classic 'balls huge' scale, in which a 'fuck-ton' is equal to 25 'shit-loads'
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:37 No.6916480
    The treasure was greatly exaggerated and was actually Luke, Plagueson of Nurgle
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:39 No.6916493
    "Dianetics" by L. Ron Hubbard.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:39 No.6916495
    are you Mr Black gone anon?

    didn't you use profanity scales like, all the time?
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:39 No.6916499
    The artifact is a hostile neutronium golem.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:41 No.6916515
    The party breaches the tomb, and finds 4 enormous rods of a strange hard metalm that feels warm from some of sort of inherent power.
    Or in more contemporary terms, they've found a quartet of leftover nuclear fuel rods dumped by a spacefaring civilization millenia ago.
    They're still Hot, prepare for stat damage.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:41 No.6916520

    How would that be disappointing? That's just awesome! I mean, it's CHOCOLATE.

    Unless it has gone stale, then it's another level of disappointing.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:42 No.6916523

    So 4 lbs of DAT ASS? How many UNFs is that?
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:43 No.6916542
    Gold coins all with the word "The Game" on it, that disappear when you lose it.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:44 No.6916546
    >Treasure of the Beggar King
    this should be a quest. like, more than just the fucking pouch. His Regalia.

    I see a tattered robe. possibly a bowl.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:44 No.6916549
    The Artifact opens a warp gate that teleports the party outside of that specific dungeon from any other point in the plane.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:45 No.6916551
    "In a campaign with any sort of trade, that's worth more than a diamond as big as your fist."
    Unfortunately, in the search for the 'real' treasure, the dumpy clay pot is overlooked, perhaps knocked over.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:45 No.6916554
    the a magical sword meant to defeat the king of the nation most involved in good, he's a paladin who has not fallen, the party is good,
    conversely a set of weapons made to defeat a band of people prophesised to bring great destruction... the party.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:45 No.6916555
    Let's see. 100 tons is 200,000 pounds. Each coin weighs 1/50th of a pound. So 10,000,000 copper pieces. Or 1,000,000 silver, or 100,000 gold.
    Yeah, it's worth a lot, even in DnD.

    At a density of 559 per square foot, it's roughly 358 cubic feet worth of copper. Presuming human dimensions, it would make a statue about 14 feet tall.

    >> Greed !!u95zbWX8j7r 11/29/09(Sun)01:45 No.6916560

    The Beggar King.

    The ruler of all beggars, and a master thief. He was said to exist in this city centuries ago, and his legacy carries on to this day. He wore tattered clothes that could blend in anywhere, He carried a stick that could snap any weapon in half...
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:46 No.6916567
    Artifact which can divine whether a pregnant woman carries The Chosen One. Lol red-herring quests.

    Ancient Relic which can hold the evil Quanjii Hordes at bay. Note: The last Quanjii was executed eons ago.

    A rod used in festivals to make the rivers run dark with coffee, or some similar cheap liquid prized by a culture (cocoa, tea, mountain dew)

    An artifact which lets use user read the mind of all Doldinish in ten miles. The Doldinish is an extinct society. Anyone with any remnant of bloodline is a poor farmer in a distant country.

    Decanter of Endless Farts.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:48 No.6916582
    not a thief. a beggar. He specifically does not commit crime. He asks, he does not take that which is not offered.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:49 No.6916596

    Bowl of the Beggar King: Bonus to NPC reaction when begging.
    Robe of the Beggar King: Penalty to spot checks when attempting to locate this character.
    >> Greed !!u95zbWX8j7r 11/29/09(Sun)01:49 No.6916603

    The beggar king is rumored to be able to live off of a single copper piece for years at a time. He is near immortal, and his tales of heroism in his great wisdom inspired many a generation. The beggar king has power equal to that of a 20th level cleric and bard, without the need to follow any gods.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:50 No.6916611
    >Decanter of Endless Farts.
    That actually sounds hilarious.
    Bard-quest artifact.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:57 No.6916689

    The Treasure of the Beggar King is something I threw in to the game one night when we didnt have all the players attending, kinda a 'lol all that copper and useless magic item' scenario.

    With these ideas the Beggar King will now be a fully fleshed out NPC with a Robin Hood like bent to him giving most of his earnings to the poor and destitute.

    Mmmm exalted vow of poverty build here we come.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:59 No.6916706
    A millstone that doesn't need any external power source to turn and grind flour and never wears down.

    It's a 5 ton wheel of enchanted granite.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)01:59 No.6916709
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    And his official art thanks to Google image search.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)02:03 No.6916777
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)02:04 No.6916787
    he begs for beggars. Because of his artifacts, he was able to feed countless others. He was seen as a wise, strong leader.

    the bowl is how he feeds himself. Any dust, ash, or similar worthless powder placed within is transformed into a piece of bread of equal nuitrition, but that can only sustain one who has nothing.
    Most beggars have SOMETHING, so only the beggar king could sustain himself with it. so everything he earned went to others.
    the bag split the coins into copper, each of which pays for a meal for a hungry person. no waste.
    the robes have a geas placed upon them. anyone wearing them does not register as a threat. It does not help him beg, nor does it hide him. it simply presents him as harmless, deserving pity.
    The stick of the beggar king... I got nothing yet. working on it.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)02:05 No.6916805

    You should probably make him "steals from the stingy and hard-hearted" instead of "robs the rich". A rich man who regularly gives alms would be inviolate, but the tavern-keeper that waters his beer and shaves coins has a big ol' bullseye on him.
    >> Belisaurius 11/29/09(Sun)02:05 No.6916808
    "Gauntlets of Elf strength"...

    "Stone Bracers of Feather Fall" Weighs a fucktonne but casts featherfall when dropped.

    "Immortal Pill" The Pill is immortal, not you.

    "Cursed Sword of Salvation" Casts Heal on anyone cut by it. Cursed to be utterly ineffective against undead.

    "Shield of Faith" Instills utter and illogical faith in the strength of the shield. Shield is severly degraded by this point.

    "Alchemy Sticks" A whole carton of them!
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)02:08 No.6916838
    A piece of parchment detailing the history of the Beggar King

    "The Beggar King was a great man, who's death is shrouded in a mystery unlike any other. It is rumoured he had the persuasive skills to beg for whatever cheap knick-knack he wanted and get away with it. Early in his long, long life (he begged God for more) he became the King of all Beggars, and started a Beggar Cult that spread like quickfire across the land.

    In reality, the Beggar Kingdom was one large Pyramid Scheme, spanning the surface of the earth, with the bottom-level beggars feeding half of their earnings to the next tier of beggars, and so on until the King acquired a vast fortune which consisted entirely of copper pieces, old, ragged clothing, and the occasional fruit.

    The note is torn beyond this passage.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)02:10 No.6916870

    This. My party once pretty much TPK'd once because we knocked out some fey dude that was bound to an oasis. he had 80,000 copper on him. One of us coup de grace'd him, which meant that we needed to make a DC 12 will save or be turned into the same fey bullshit and bound to the oasis. As an all martial level 5 party, about 2 in 9 make the save.

    Fuck you, saffron is amazing. I would have paella every day for the rest of my life.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)02:15 No.6916936
    Torn because he has not died. he was promised a donation from a merchant who never delivered, and so when death came, he did not have a silver coin to pay the ferry, and so he was denied admittance. Too poor for the afterlife.

    Should the silver coin be found and placed in his mouth, he would perish. but until that time, he exists as a walking shadow.

    Should all his artifacts be gathered for one person, his glamour would instill upon the wielder, as would knowledge of his deepest secrets, which promise endless wealth.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)02:18 No.6916978
    >>"Cursed Sword of Salvation" Casts Heal on anyone cut by it. Cursed to be utterly ineffective against undead

    Oh my god I would pay 200,000 geeps for this item easy.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)02:18 No.6916987
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    Immovable rod you say? How about this idea, just don't let your PCs on that it's different than a normal one... one use item :)
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)02:19 No.6917006
    A note that says "Well done, that wasn't so hard was it?"
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)02:21 No.6917037

    To go further with this, outright hit-on-head-take-bag theft wouldn't really be his style. Conning you into giving him something valuable (by way of convincing you that it's worthless) would be his MO.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)02:23 No.6917070
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    I actually plan in my setting for the Beggar King to be a canonized saint...just know one realizes he isn't dead.

    Once long ago the man now known as the Beggar King was an arrogant and rich man. One day while out he refused to give alms to a starving beggar. That beggar, dieing from starvation, asked with his dieing breath to the god he worshiped to forgive the man and help his heart find kindness. this god, touched by such a selfless plea chose to honor this request.

    The arrogant noble suffered a series of ill fortune over the next year by that god's hand that saw him on the streets begging to survive. Over time he came to understand the value of humility and compassion helping the other beggars and in turn being helped himself.

    In a twist of fate and irony the god who cursed him to be a beggar died in a war in the heavens soon after. With no deity to lift the curse, as the other gods are bound by celestial law not to lift the curse of another god, he is cursed to forever wander the lands as a beggar.

    This does not bother him though, he has learned to accept his lot in life and has dedicated himself to helping all in need he can. He seeks neither notoriety or fame though his story has spread. Many churches uphold him as a paragon of generosity and thusly after centuries he has been canonized.

    Game stats I am assigning: Level 20 human Noble(Dragonlance PC class version) with the saint and paragon creature templates as well as all the sacred vow feats.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)02:24 No.6917076
    Womb dagger.
    >> Greed !!u95zbWX8j7r 11/29/09(Sun)02:27 No.6917114

    Should've seen it coming
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)02:38 No.6917276
    Flask of Endless Flasks. When you pour it, smaller flasks fall out.

    Atomic Mace. A far off space-faring civilization left a mace. At the end of the mace is a hydrogen bomb specially designed to rebuild itself after it goes off.

    Lenses of Extreme Farsight. As long as you wear these, you can see from the vantage point of the person furthest away from you on the current plane.

    Decanter of Endless Champagne. Note that by the time the PC's find it, it's already been shaken up.

    A penis of a Tarrasque. Note that the Tarrasque will regenerate if you remove it from the Vat of Endless Acid it's currently stored in.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)02:43 No.6917337
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    >> Hedonism Bot !dX.JaVe0Yo 11/29/09(Sun)02:59 No.6917545
    Here's some stuff I pulled on my players (not sure if any books already have them, I didn't look):

    "Staff of Thunder Guiding"
    A long, metallic, featureless staff that has 1 charge of Call Lightning (CL 10). What they don't know is that, when activated, the lightning strikes are all centered on the staff regardless of target and cannot be delayed/canceled unless the staff is let go (wasting the charge in the process). After the first strike, the staff-user makes a DC 24 Fort check to resist having his hand(s) electrically fused to the staff, the DC rising by 1 after each strike.

    " 'Rosetta Stone' "
    The holder thinks she can understand and speak all languages, as per the 'Polyglot' feat. Instead, the stone intentionally mistranslates the language for the holder, both for hearing the language and responding with the language. The conversation remains consistent for the holder at all times so she doesn't suspect foul play. Does not activate when the holder and other person speak the same language. What is actually said by the holder is always confusing or insulting.

    "Potion of Gnomish Thought"
    The potion appears to give the drinker a +2 Int bonus and +2 to any Craft check for the next week. Instead, the drinker is changed into a gnome for the same duration.

    "Pipes of Laughter"
    Has the appearance of a masterwork musical instrument. When used, with a DC 20 perform check, the pipes will cause everyone within 30 feet to begin laughing (losing their next turn) if they fail their Will save. In reality, when played, the person playing the pipes is immediately changed into an elf, unaware of any change that has taken place (if female, change gender to male.) Worn equipment is changed into green tights that sparkles. This effect lasts until an hour after the playing stops, at which time race, gender and equipment revert back to normal.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)03:06 No.6917637
    >" 'Rosetta Stone' "

    "My hovercraft is full of eels."
    >> Mr Black 11/29/09(Sun)03:08 No.6917658
    Where is there a camel that can even do that with it's knees?
    >> Hedonism Bot !dX.JaVe0Yo 11/29/09(Sun)03:08 No.6917668
    Awesome sketch.

    "If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me? I am no longer infected."
    >> 008 11/29/09(Sun)03:13 No.6917718
    A staff that creates a massive anti-magic(both arcane and divine)/dispelling field around it when it's being wielded. Unfortunately it also turns the wielder into a commoner of equal level for the duration. Of course the anti-magic field will interrupt allies as well as enemies and leave their magic gear permanently mundane.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)03:16 No.6917753

    Sketch? From what?
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)03:18 No.6917773
    Monty Python?
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)03:20 No.6917792

    Oh...forgive me, other than Holy Grail (which even that is hard to find) we don't get much of that where I'm from. I'm aware that other movies and a television show exist, but that's it.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)03:21 No.6917802
    >if female, change gender to male
    I think you have this the wrong way around
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)03:23 No.6917823

    >> Mr Black 11/29/09(Sun)03:26 No.6917869
    Actually, yes.

    Yes it is.

    While I don't much care for the comic I find Donovan's complete inability to speak or understand orcish to be fucking hilarious.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)03:26 No.6917871
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    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)03:28 No.6917892
    My nipples explode with delight!
    >> Hedonism Bot !dX.JaVe0Yo 11/29/09(Sun)03:31 No.6917938
    "Idol of Pleasant Dreaming"
    This item makes the dream of all those within 100 feet incredibly awesome and realistic. However, everyone is considered fatigued after they wake up for the rest of the day.

    "Cloak of Soaring Flight"
    A cloak with Fly that can be used once per day (but stays activated for 24 hours). Can only be activated by specifically jumping off a 30 foot ledge after a running jump, with arms outstretched and body parallel with the ground. Does not actually activate.

    "Bag of Secure Storage"
    Completely simulates a Bag of Holding in every category, except that it appears to hold 10 times as much mass and is permanently under the effect of Nondetection (CL 17). While all this is true, while putting things in or taking things out, it reveals itself to be an extra-dimensional monster, whose storage space is actually its stomach and whose Nondetection is to keep adventurers from discovering this. Any items given are digested after 3 days. As well, once you keep your arm(s) in there longer than usual (probably in an attempt to find your lost things), the opening of the bag bites down on your arm(s) in an attempt to eat you. It has +18 to grapple if you are trapped, with an additional +2 after each turn, and will fully pull you in after 5 turns, after which you will eventually be digested after 3 days unless someone else can pull you out (resulting in another grapple fight with the monster.)
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)03:33 No.6917958
    Give them a single FIAT coin. A FIAT coin is worth infinity GP and is endorsed by a god. However, you can only make a single transaction with it, because once you buy something with it you hand it over. It also has the problematic effect of destabilizing nations and economies. Clever users will take that into account and track the coin as it passes from one bloody hand to another, hoping it will end back up in their hands.
    >> Hedonism Bot !dX.JaVe0Yo 11/29/09(Sun)03:33 No.6917960
    No, I got it right. Much more embarrassing to be a skinny guy in sparkly green tights playing a flute-like instrument than a girl.
    >> Ursus Rex 11/29/09(Sun)03:34 No.6917972
    Ring of Renewal
    When placed upon a finger, the wearer is transported to the entrance of the dungeon and all creatures, monsters, bosses, traps and so-forth are revived and brought back to life. Originally used as a means of a "lock" for the dungeon in question so one could place valued treasure in it and then return instantly to the entrance and "lock it up".

    Which means one party member is at the entrance of the cave, and the rest are stuck in teh center with all the bosses back
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)03:36 No.6917987
    I remember reading a comic where the ultimate treasure both the forces of Good and Evil were after was literally an IOU. An IOU from the Gods, though, so it was pretty much a completely unrestricted wish.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)03:36 No.6917990

    >Jew is a pig
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)03:40 No.6918025
    >A FIAT coin can only be traded for an unreliable Italian car of uncertain utility.
    >> ಠ_ರೃ 11/29/09(Sun)03:53 No.6918146
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    The party carefully opens the doors to the treasure vault at the dungeon's end to echos of uneven breathing; the chamber is pitch dark. They cast a trivial light spell while reading their most potent remaining ones. On a large stone altar in the room's center, instead of mounds of coins or splendors of old, they see their own bodies in a catatonic state.

    They carefully reach out a hand to investigate. A touch later and they all find themselves inexplicably in their rented room at the inn a fortnight past.

    The dungeon was all a dream.

    NO XP.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)03:55 No.6918159
    That would be an awesome item to have.

    "Hey, guys? We've got a new base of operations!"
    >> Ursus Rex 11/29/09(Sun)03:57 No.6918176
    Except it only works for one person. And they don't have the other ring which disables all the traps and monsters in the place.

    So while one guy is at the entrance with the ring, the rest are stuck in the middle of the dungeon and have to get back out the way they came -- through all the beasts and traps they'd just dealt with and now they're revived and ready and the party is down a member.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)04:02 No.6918228

    After fighting through a horde of elite monster soldiers covered in ornate gold and platinum armor, armed with beautifully crafted diamond-adamantine blades, the heroes find the object of their quest in a chest.

    It was a rusty iron sword, whose only worth was that is was once used by a legendary hero. At level 2.

    You could say that their adventure was quite...

    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)04:08 No.6918287
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    My face if you were my DM.
    >> 008 11/29/09(Sun)04:13 No.6918346
    The PC's open a door at the end of the dungeon to find themselves on stage of a gameshow being overseen by both demons, devils and celestials.

    The host is a tiefling and the winner gets to race-change to any of the demon/devil/celestial type in the audience. Losers get a lifetime supply of flavored rice that lightly rains down on them from the sky, even indoors. Failure to participate turns the PC's into one of the dungeon monsters they fought to gain entrance, but at level 1.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)04:14 No.6918362

    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)04:16 No.6918370

    You let them loot the armor for the scrap value, right?
    >> Ursus Rex 11/29/09(Sun)04:16 No.6918375
    Someone archive this, I'm going to bed
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)04:19 No.6918420
    Your prize is in another dungeon.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)04:19 No.6918423

    But then I wouldn't be able to YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
    >> ಠ_ರೃ 11/29/09(Sun)04:30 No.6918555
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    It's not all bad. See, now with all that foreknowledge of the dungeon it would be natural to assume the party to be able to clean house like a bunch of pros.

    A foolish thing courage can be. Not only is the dungeon slightly different than they remember, it is an order of magnitude more difficult. Stabbing, shooting, and scything traps of all manner now bristle from stonework as commonly as one would expect fungus as dust to. Where once were scores of living, and un-living, minions and the powerful lich pulling their strings now march legions of demons and devils and the insane shard of godly energy that fills their minds with twisted murmurings and the their bodies with alien power.

    The party perseveres, though only just. Battered and broken, drained in body and mind, they reach the same gilded doors as before only the doors are cracked open-- waiting. They see not only their unconscious forms again, but yet another version of their party inspecting the scene.Naturally their dream-selves, expecting danger from before, easily slay the fatigued party.

    And their campaign is ended.

    >> Hedonism Bot !dX.JaVe0Yo 11/29/09(Sun)04:47 No.6918685
    I wasn't sure before, but I am now: if you were my DM, I would murder you. And then I'd plead guilty in court and serve my prison time, so everyone knew I was the one who stopped an enemy of humanity before he could cause further damage.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)04:53 No.6918736
    An ancient clockwork device invented by a long-dead society of dwarves that was developed to record their knowledge for future generations.

    Unfortunately it requires another device in order to view any information archived, and any information itself is archived on separate artifacts, to be inserted into the device you have found. Neither of these artifacts have been seen in centuries.

    Translating the dwarven runes engraved on the top will reveal the name of the artifact to be "BETAMAX".
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)05:03 No.6918834
    The Pearl Dagger of the Unicorn - When touched, this dagger leaps from the player's hand and embeds itself permanently point-first into the player's skull, grafting itself to the skull and doing 1d20 physical damage per day. Attempting to remove it physically only causes further damage, and it absorbs all magic cast directly on it.

    Necklace of Chimera's Breath - When worn, the player instantly and irrevocably merges with the nearest player. This is not a "clean" merger, and no body mass is eliminated; the merged being will have four arms, four legs, two torsos and two heads, placed in improbable and useless locations. The necklace also activates every two minutes so long as it is worn, absorbing the next closest sentient being into the mix. Only one will out of the mass may take an action per turn, and the chimera will soon find that armor no longer fits it and that it is unable to hold weapons properly as fingers migrate around its slowly expanding bodily mass.

    Tears of the Lost Goddess - Fills you with the power of a fallen goddess when drank. Unfortunately, the goddess was suicidally depressed, and bent all of her power on her self-destruction. Drinking the vial, therefore, causes the imbiber to implode.
    >> Hedonism Bot !dX.JaVe0Yo 11/29/09(Sun)05:08 No.6918873
    >Tears of the Lost Goddess

    My friend had the opposite idea he called "the Flask of Unlimited Power". After drinking it, the power floods the body to the point where it makes the person explode from the gut like a hydrogen bomb.
    >> ಠ_ರೃ 11/29/09(Sun)05:08 No.6918877
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    Well, I was instructed to invent a disappointing outcome. But yes, that level of rocks-fall, what-a-twistery is suitable for only the worst of stories. Which is not to say I haven't done bullshit like this in my younger, only slightly stupider DMing days.

    Perhaps an artifact with the power to resuscitate a plagued, dying world?
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)05:12 No.6918924
    The Plow of Good Tidings

    This plow, when touched, allows the user to become a proficient farmer and lead a contented, blessed life for the rest of his or her days, although the user of the item forsakes all of his or her powers, magic, political or otherwise. Nothing interrupts this idyllic lifetime except small difficulties which make the good parts all the more meaningful, and an eventual peaceful death surrounded by loved ones. There are no drawbacks or tricks, and the user never grows tired of his or her new lifestyle.

    Truly a powerful item. But for the player, it's a "retire your character free" button, nothing more.
    >> Hedonism Bot !dX.JaVe0Yo 11/29/09(Sun)05:21 No.6918994
    Ahh, if it was meant to be incredibly crushing then you did an excellent job! There wouldn't be a group of players out there who wouldn't wish ill of you.

    By resuscitate, you mean switch the world out from under everyone from "happy, prosperous" to "Fallout, swamp, 2012" proportions, or by changing absolutely everything except the players? Either one would be awesome.

    How about an artifact that permanently changes the demeanor of everyone on the Material Plane (except the party) to apathetic and depressed?
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)05:31 No.6919072
    The Crown of Penance - A crown of thorns worn by a martyr, imbued with a suffering spirit, that grants eternal life to the wearer. While this is all true, the crown is cursed and unremovable. Over the first week of wear, the thorns dig into the scalp of the wearer and gradually inflict damage. After the first week, they are fully under the skin, and, absorbing and becoming engorged with blood, rapidly rake up and down the inside of the character's flesh, tearing through muscle, tissue, organs, and bones for the rest of the character's unnaturally long life. Every second the character lives, they take 1 damage. When the count drops to zero, the character passes out and sleeps in torpor for a year. When the character awakens, they are at full health, and the damage starts again. Repeat ad infinitum.

    Mirror of Answers - A glance into this mirror will reveal the user's reflection, miming out the solution to a dilemma the character faces. Unbeknownst to the character, each answer costs a tenth of their soul. Once the mirror collects their full soul, the character is imprisoned in the mirror, and the spirit of the mirror takes possession of the character's body and flesh.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)05:33 No.6919096
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    Goddammit, how long have you been Hedonism Bot? I've been Hedonism Bot too, but only to encourage Touhoufag flamewars, and only recently. I even use a picture.
    >> ಠ_ರೃ 11/29/09(Sun)05:39 No.6919138
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    >from "happy, prosperous" to "Fallout, swamp, 2012" proportions
    I was thinking the reverse, but that way is almost better.

    Better hope the party has an 18/00 elf wizard around to save everyone's ass.

    >How about an artifact...
    Beautiful. Especially when monsters stop giving XP because they don't care enough to put up a fight.

    Artifacts should always equal campaign reset, imo.
    >> Hedonism Bot !dX.JaVe0Yo 11/29/09(Sun)05:58 No.6919280
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    Since June, but I rarely tag myself, and mostly over at /co/. Didn't use it in /tg/ until recently. I've also got a bunch of pictures but I haven't used them in a few weeks.

    "Obelisk of Impending Death"
    Legends say this artifact knows and sees the death of all creatures in the world. They also tell of ancient kings would use it to ensure their reign lasted as long as possible. This 20-foot black obelisk will call out the name of any named being who will die 1 minute later on the Material Plane. Depending on the population of your world, where hundreds of people/sentient creatures die every second, it is completely indecipherable.

    "Signet Ring of Heroism"
    Legends surrounding this ring show that it was in the possession of great heroes, powerful wizards, and legendary figures facing the most epic of struggles. The ring gives a +2 bonus to all attributes and AC. Also, the ring cannot be removed (except through the death of the wearer), nor does the wearer want it to be removed. From that point on, the wearer has to do the most heroic action s/he possibly can, even in the face of impossible odds or adversity, and limited only by his/her imagination.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)06:09 No.6919364
    >Thanks for your request.
    >This thread has been requested 1 times now.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)06:09 No.6919377
    I thought I might use it regularly. And be a unique snowflake.

    But I won't.
    >> Anonymous 11/29/09(Sun)06:14 No.6919414

    this shit has been saved.
    >> Hedonism Bot !dX.JaVe0Yo 11/29/09(Sun)06:16 No.6919427
    Almost every game I play in/run, the items are snatched up and divided faster than they are described, so I'm confident 100% of these items would be accidentally triggered at least once. It'd be fun to see players turn down powerful-looking items and artifacts out of fear that it would do something terrible to them. Make them start thinking things like "Is that really a Ring of Sustenance, or is it going to try to eat my finger to sustain itself?"


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