>>6095754
Last 3.5 campaign I ran before I raped and murders my group was all four of them playing various druid-based builds pulled from the WotC CharOp forums.

At the entrance to the Tomb of Horrors, one of the players said in character "Transform And Roll Out".

My soul died a little.

As a mage, I used opened up a bottle that had a tiny sun inside an Elysium during an important meeting. 1 player, several important NPC's and the prince turned into ash.

:3c

>>6095869
Haha, that's so awesome. Why the fuck did you do that?

My rogue died sneaking out of an epic wizard lich's lair, with his spellbook and phylactery in my backpack.
I was 2 points shy on the Finger of Death save.

Charged my 50-man IG Combined Squad across the board straight at a Tau gunline.

Remaining 20 men (Commie and Priest included) slammed into their lines and ended up sendin 2 Fire Warrior squads running off the board.

>>6095892
Sad day.

Party was gearing up for the giant climatic battle BBEG (who was actually good, but that's a different story) in the Hobbit's Five Armies style. The rest of the party was focusing on strategic planning while I as on /tg/ looking for elf porn, so I missed the whole thing. Paladin asks me (Fighter, Half-Orc, Int 10) if I know what my plan was and I say "Yeah, got it." and they pretty much keep going.

Meanwhile, I take DM aside and ask him if I can do some string pulling from an earlier quest line in the Norse-ish area. I scored some brownie points earlier and decided to cash them in. The party finds me shipping out all of my captured loot from the whole campaign (basically a shitload of gold) which left me down with no money. They asked me what I was doing but I just smiled.

Time comes when we are gearing up to whip some Elf ass (outnumber our combined Dorf/Human army 3-1) and the party can't find me. Naturally, they figure I abandoned them and decide to continue as planned. As the armies are preparing to go to blows, I OOC bring in a CD, pop it into the player (Giant ass speakers), and grab the remote. I go into a narration on how all the fighters see something approaching in the horizon, what appear to be a swarm of birds. Turning the volume to max, I press play and Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyrie" blasts out as I describe 200 Valkyries on pegasi flying into to the elf army with me screaming bloody murder leading it.

The next day every fucking elf was dead. My orc also died with me, but the look on my party's face when I describe over 200 chick in armor singing opera as they rain dead on the elven army was priceless. I ruined their plan and was awarded Best Fucking Player Evar from the DM, which gave me a boner. Seriously.

>>6095889
Well, I was an informant and was only meant to use it if things were going to get icky. However, the meeting was dragging ON and ON and my pc was an incredibly impatient man. So, I decided to end the meeting prematurely. I was the only non-vamp in the room, so they believed me when I said "So, they just started trying to kill me or some shit because one of them read my mind and shit."

I miss Perseus.

>>6095900
FOR THE EMPEROR

I'm playing a lvl15 Minotaur. A beholder smashes his way out of the underdark and though the ground. Rest of the party is having trouble dealign with it. I decide it's a great idea to charge and jump on it and spend every round gouging it with my horns. I forget that they have a 50% chance of becoming incorporeal. I forget that I have a ghost-touch weapon. I fall into the underdark to my death.

more /v/ related but i feel like tellig the tell

playing l4d with buds on versus as survivors the zombies guys were waiting for us in the end of a corridor and everyone stopped and started hearing all the schreching, belching, coughing so i jumped out the corridor screaming into the mic "LETS DO THIS" first thing i saw was the boomer and immediately and shoot him down a smoker and hunter got to close and stunned them while the other got me and the rest of my team followed in a few seconds after and helped me up

more to /tg/ our group lock picker guy couldn't pick past an obviously trapped door so i decided to kick it open and havin succesfully kicked the door open i immediately lose my foot by falling blade and from there used a peg leg

I was playing WoD and was escaping from a test facility. You know those buildings with the curve on them, that looks like you can surf down them? Well, it appears that you can't. My character decided to be "fucking rad" and threw of his shoes so he could use his socks to slide all the way down. About half way, he tripped and left a long smear down the rest of the building. The smear was his face, by the way.

>>6096051
I cringed a bit. Anything that deals with falling on your face or cracking your teeth... Just gross.

I was playing with a friend who was bad mouthing an elder vampire... who appeared to be a child, so he thought he could fuck him up. He tried attacking, and NPC retaliated with a clawing attack. The clawing attack rolled almost all 10's, and a majority of the rerolls were also 10's.

Shitty story bro.

Actual session quote:

"Do you know what time it is?"
"Adventure time?"
"Fuck yes it is. Let's do this."

And then we stormed the BBEG's keep with no plan and only the bard survived. Fucker used a rod of ropes to bat-grapple away.

>>6096181

lol'd.

We were quite evil bounty hunters on a gigantic station which was our headquarters, but was run by others. The Jedi Council came to destroy the station. A Jedi and his apprentice opened the door, and the dumb fighter who never roleplays at all (ever. He sometimes gets bored between fights and demands to kill hobos or rape women, etc while he waits for us to cause some violence for him) blurts out, "Thank God you're here! They've kept us prisoner!"

The DM just sat there with his mouth open for a few minutes. He made it work because it stunned him too much to think of a response.

Playing a Bard 3/Fighter 2/Warchanter 5, in the underdark, fighting off a hord of Vril (bat-goblins) and their Drow masters.

I inspire courage and toughness, then wade into battle. Come round 2, I'm surrounded by damn near everyone.

"I am the rock on the shore. Crash against me and break."

The enemies attack. Not a single one hits.

I attack. I kill 2 enemies each with one hit.

Manliest character I've played yet.

>>6095990
You should have been suspended by your weapon, hanging INSIDE the incorporeal beholder. It would have been fuck awesome because it couldn't phase back in without having its internal organs made external.

WoD, my mixed shifter pack decides the vampires need to be taught a lesson that this city is ours. So my deranged ratkin Engineer Izzy, who's hearing voices and has suddenly personality shifts, figures out the location of the local Elysium and during daytime plants gasoline bombs in the roof and walls.

Later that night we come in, intent on causing all holy hell.Izzy in rodens form hauling a remote detonator made fro ma TV remote, scampers in followed by the glass walker and wendigo arouhns. to which one of the flea bitten fuckheads shouts " Hey lets fire up this party!" and flings my ass into the lap of the prince, remote in a death grip in my tail. Deciding I have nothing to lose i look up and lock eyes before squeaking a salute and punching "chnl up" and lighting the to of the building up in flames and fear frenzying vamps.

I left via 8th floor window. sometimes it's good to have a corax in the party who constantly "waits outside"

My sorc, who was ridiculously outclassed by the bbeg in both magic and melee charged him as we pumped molten lead into the corridor, a combination of his cone of cold spell, my luck and sheer balls saved me long enough to get sold as a slave.

Also, the fortress in question was flying in the sky, being attacked by dragons. My friend's character got pissed at not being able to hit them, jumped off the fortress, fell about 200 feet, hit the dragon in the head with the hammer at terminal velocity, and road it down into the ground, popping a ring of slowfall at the last possible second. I wish I could remember what his character yelled on the way down.

Also, I stood up to a charnel demon as a level 3 tech priest, then I oneshotted it with the meat hammer. Only 1 hit got through toughness and armor. It had THAT MUCH righteous fury.

>>6096258
Couldn't the Jedi just have made a Sense Motive roll or the equivalent?

Still I laughed, that's awesome, what a dick.

My group has a tendency to do this.

In the DH game I'm running, the acolytes' first mission was to track down and kill their previous group's inquisitor for, you guessed it, heresy. They split up going after two different potential inquisitors. Both are traveling with two armed bodyguards.

One group decides, after following their target on the hive equivalent of the elevated, decide to sit in the same booth as them. Then, after they build up some confidence with the bodyguards, the noble scum of the group, the one with the fellowship and connections up the wazoo, decides the best way to do this would be to initiate combat in the crowded booth by shooting at, not the inquisitor, one of the mook guards. I repeatedly ask, "Are you sure you want to do this?" Needless to say, the tram they were on did not make it to its next station.

>>6096311
Actually, that tech priest has a bad habit of near scrapes. He started out as a DMPC healbot/knowledge hoarder since no one wanted to take non combat skills. Then people would do crazy shit like roll perils or get themselves incaped by critical damage and it'd come down to the tech priest that sat in back to save the day. Well, him or one of the psykers and Emprah knows none of the players wanted to trust them.

I remember blowing off a cultist leader's head point blank when she latched onto another acolyte. Next thing I know the psyker's at my side, we're all on fire, and I'm blowing a hole in the floor Underworld style to escape.

Statwise he's rather underpowered in combat situations but luckwise... well, we're all looking to see what finally does this bastard in.

Had a feral world guardsmen charge a genestealer and one shot it.

My brother was running a campaign a while back, and I don't really care for him at all, but his friends are alright, and I was bored, so I rolled a dorf who I had used an an NPC in one of my campaigns

This is the tale of Stumpy, Dorf Barbarian.

A little background on Stumpy. Taken straight from my campaign world, he was a level 4 barbarian who had been held captive by an alhoon, and forced to carve his body into art for its pleasure. This resulted in him missing a leg, and having his arm shaped into a stump knife. It also gave him an intense hatred for abominations, illithid especially.

First thing that happened, the group being rowdy as usual, decided it would be a good idea to kill all the guards in town so it would be easier to loot. We went up to the guard's HQ and proceeded to kill as many as possible. We got most (level 1 warriors), and nothing was too awesome until we got to the very end. One guard was left standing, and was cornered by myself, the druid, and the sorceror. The druid attempted to stab him with his punching dagger, but only did 2 damage, leaving the guard still standing. At this point Stumpy yells "YER DOIN IT WRONG", throws the druid aside, and crits through the guard, pinning him to the wall.

(cont)

>>6096432
while I'm at it.

Our psyker and our skum get picked up by a quartet of arbitrators outside of the BBEG's mansion. They get stuck in the back seat of what is essentially what happens when a hummer fucks a police car. That means that the back door doesn't open from the inside.

So, the arbitrators are swiftly taken out by snipers and the guards decide it's time to get some good use out of some mining explosives they've got on hand, worry about making it look like an accident later.

They head up to slip some under the vehicle and light it while the acolytes try to get out. The psyker still has a gun on them and tries to shoot the lock. Rolls terrible and then rolls for where the ricochet goes. It hits the scum, who doesn't have much health at the time. Spends a fate point to reroll and jams.

cont.

>>6096587
(cont)

Later on, we're running through a dungeon for reasons I cannot remember. As soon as we enter, we're surrounded by leaflings. I win initiative, and charge straight ahead, driving my stump arm through its torso. Next turn comes around, and I continue that line into another leafling, also killing it in one hit (they only have about 2 HP I guess). Third round of combat, there's one more in my sights, so I continue this charge. I ended up making one long charge, through 3 leaflings, all of which were lined up to my shoulder. The druid made salad for dinner.


Next room we enter, there's a dune stalker. The fighters win initiative, and flank it, stabbing their swords into its feet so it can't run away. We soon surround the monster and beat the living hell out of it. At this point, the DM tries to prove that this campaign is srs biznes, and should be treated as such, by making it use its kiss of death move on me. As a dorf barbarian, I easily made the fort save, but I wasn't too keen on being kissed. I holler, "GODDAMN QUEER" as I finished the beast, stabbing my stump arm through its skull.

>>6096656
So, with the gun jammed and them in dire straights the scum rams a mono-knife into the locking mechanism, getting them out and hurrying into the front two seats.

Well, they're not about to take this lying down. The psyker tries, with absolutely no drive skill, to rouse the machine spirits to action. For the hell of it I let it work, under the grounds that shifting gears was totally foreign to her though... the scum pops up and begins laying into the snipers with suppressive fire, one of them doesn't pin though and takes a potshot at her, knocking the living shit out of her as they tear off into the nearest wall of the mansion, in first gear all the way.

So, they kill a bunch of servants and 2 or so guards in the crash, leaving one, unconscious guard alive on the ground.

The guards outside dash back in, lighting the explosives and hurling them under the car as the acolytes scramble out. The psyker, in one quick move hurls herself down from the vehicle's hatch and slices the fuse, popping the power that gives her a fear rating. The guards flip and run off, generally shitting themselves

cont

D&D 4e
Two members of our group where sucked into a sinister looking portal that was closing. The leader guy decided that we should hurry to a nearby friendly sorceress chick who can tell us not only where the portal leads, but could open a new one so we wouldn't go rushing into a trap like idiots.
My Goliath (not listening to any of this cowardly crap) picks up the kobold archer, holds him in front of himself, and charges straight into the portal screaming "ONWARD TO ADVENTURE! RRRAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH".

The kobold failed the check to get out of my hands, we run into the trap, hilarity inside.

>>6096683
>At this point, the DM tries to prove that this campaign is srs biznes, and should be treated as such, by making it use its kiss of death move on me. As a dorf barbarian, I easily made the fort save, but I wasn't too keen on being kissed. I holler, "GODDAMN QUEER" as I finished the beast, stabbing my stump arm through its skull.

I like the cut of your cloth, mah boi. I'd guess it was leather.

>>6096729
Thing is, that guard on the ground wakes up, and sees the psyker. Well, he flips the fuck out and is left dumbstruck, just standing there amidst the wreckage of the wall. And then the scum opens fire. Pretty much every bullet hit him from an autogun (meaning about 8 or 9 shots).

Then the damage dice hit him. All but one below his armor and toughness (which wasn't that great) and the one that does go through hits him for about 2 wounds.

Anyway, on his next turn he manages to roll a two to snap out of it (he needed a 6 or better). So he turns to flee into the hall.

A few minutes later the acolytes are confronted by a squad of guards, with a rather torn up looking individual holding a heavy stubber. He opens fire on them and nearly kills the scum. The rest of his friends return fire as well.

cont

>>6096683
(cont)

We continue our quest through several locked doors. I simply break down the doors one by one.
"You come across a locked wooden door."
"I open it"
"It's locked"
"I take 20 on a strength check. I open it."

This continues until we happen upon a room with a treasure chest. The DM is still trying to prove Stumpy isn't as awesome as he thinks he is, and so when I said "I open the chest", his only response was "nope".
"I don't think you understand, I open the chest"
"Nope" (DM gets a shit eating grin on his face)
"Fine, I'll roll a strength check"
nat 20
I ripped the mimic in half. The DM was not pleased. It was at this point he decided to go for the big guns. A few rooms and a puzzle later, I found myself face to face with a Famine Spirit

>>6096799
so, predictably, the psker pulls her "fear rating 2, lol" shit and scares the crap out of everyone, just in time for a nade to fly into the hallway, and be an explosive misshap that doesn't go off that round. Well, the shock roll on the guy holding the heavy stubber?

Run to the hills, and on the next turn his friends died in the grenade blast.

This isn't a story about the acolytes. This is a story about that guy. Any one of twenty dice could have ended his life. We were all so impressed by his performance I was asked to give him a name.

"His name is Tull."
"Jethro Tull."

(Because people get musical names if you put me on the spot)

I've told you guys this story a thousand times but damn it, it's one of my proudest moments in RPing.

So, I join my 4th e group right in the middle of the asshole avenger's quest to rid a town of dragonborn of a giant spider problem.

I'm playing a starpact warlock, by the way.

So, we go through some pretty standard shit, work our way down a few floors. Everyone blames the newguy for anything that goes slightly wrong (in character.)

So, we come to the boss fight, and it's a spider the size of a pretty big inn. My ass is smart enough to pop my encounter teleport and get ontop of it, then fire dailies into the back of its skull.

cont

In a Star Wars game once, I told Boba Fett he had a stupid looking helmet, or, specifically, in my words, " That helmet design makes your head look like a vagina."

One of the other players slugged me after we died, but it's the biggest gag in our gaming group- the day I told Boba Fett he looked like a twat.

>>6096804
(cont)

Now, because I DM as well I'm fairly well versed in monster lore, and remembered that Famine Spirits are CR 19. We're an ECL 5 party at this point. But I'm not about to let the DM win his game. A knowledge religion check told us that it had a vorpal bite. I knew what needed to be done.

Round 1: Douse self in oil
Round 2: Light self on fire and dive into its mouth

This rather unexpected tactic served Stumpy well. This vorpal bite, by definition, on a 20 is supposed to remove the head of the target. With Stumpy's head deep inside the famine spirit's stomach, there was physically no way for it to bite his head off. So Stumpy was inside this thing, tearing it apart with all the fury and weapons he could muster (biting, stabbing, pulling organs, etc). While on fire. However, it is only a large sized creature, so Stumpy couldn't fit all the way inside, leaving his leg (and peg) kicking about. It was ruled that the monster could still bite his legs and do damage that way. A few rounds later, that 20 vorpal bite shows up, taking off BOTH of Stumpy's legs. This only served to drive him to greater rage, and it also left the spirit with no way to damage Stumpy (although the fire damage was beginning to add up). After a few more rounds, and two player deaths, we managed to kill the foul beast.

Stumpy simply crawled out from the backside of the corpse, crawled to his fallen comrade's weapons, and his loot. He took a sword and an axe from the fallen fighter, and replaces his legs with each. A couple of Cure Light Wounds later, Stumpy was even more dangerous than ever.

Unfortunately, the session ended at this point, and the campaign was never returned to. I did hear however that Stumpy is now a god of barbarians in another campaign.

Sometimes, if you listen closely, you can still hear him in the winds. . .
"GODDAMN QUEER"

>>6096906
So, a few other people start to climb up onto it and start hitting it with everything they've got. We use up all our encounters all our dailies and then the DM tells us we notice that it's bloodied.

And about that time the paladin pisses off one of the small spiders, and that shit goes off like a handgrenade in his face.

My jaw drops for a second. I pick it up off the floor and re-equip it. I need the charisma bonus provided by not being a jawless monster.

"Everyone who's not gone in 6 seconds dies." This prompts immediate arguing from the party about how they can't trust the new guy. I repeat. "Everyone who's not gone in 3 seconds dies." This causes the players to try to argue that I'm not really crazy enough to explode the giant spider which is big enough to take out a city. I grin at them. Then point out "My character grins, exactly like I just did."

cont.

>>6096964
Would you enjoy a brofist? Because that is a very brofist-worthy moment.

Fighting our way off a planet after Order 66 was sent, so now we have to fight through all the clone troopers we where leading through the campaign.

To make a long story short, we beat the platoon, an ATST was involved. At the end a friendly guy showed up with a ship to take us to a large transport shuttle to get us off planet. Me (a crazed gun nut) and my friend (a Jedi/force user specialized in lifting things with the force) told the group that we aren’t leaving the ATST.

After about 30mins of arguing they told us that we would have to walk to the shuttle then. To which my Jedi friend responded: "Walk? Fuck no, We're going to fly this thing out of here!"
Using the power of the force he levitated the ATST with us inside all the way to the destination, as I operated the controls, moving the legs as if it was walking in the sky and firing the lasers off randomly (all while making up bad lyrics for the main star wars theme).

>>6096804
I don't mean to support your brother in any way, but a player who says "No, YOU don't understand" to a DM is just asking for pain.

>>6096980

Bro-fist enjoyed and accepted.

We've started a new game, where everyone talks about that guy who said Boba Fett's head was a vagina... it's the most common recurring rumor in-game. Every bar has at least one guy who knows the story.

>>6096974
So, the druid wises up and pulls out a ring that allows her to teleport herself and anyone she chooses to an area deemed "Safe"

With them gone my character makes a dash for the back of the spider, jumping off and grabbing these weird stinger things on their back which explode when you detach them. He yanked it off no problem but apparently they have a timer. Not having time to wait for that he fired an eldrich blast directly into the thing.

The players congratulated me on my sacrifice. I laughed and pointed to my sheet.

"Read it."
They look it over for a moment and look back to me.
Exhibit A: Shielding shades. "Daily, free action, I can pick one source of damage and not take any."
I pick the explosion.

So, after the shield of shadows unfurls itself from around my body I get to my feet, and notice the cave is crumbling.

Well, it's quite a harrowing escape filled with alot of almost being crushed and a few very lucky acrobatics checks but soon I hurl myself out of the mouth of the cave and tumble down a hill, stopping at the party's feet. They wonder what the hell just happened

cont

>>6096995
Oh, I know. It was a one shot character so I was just looking for a challenge.

>>6097077
My character picks himself up off the ground, dusts himself off. Then pulls out a grin and a bluff check.
"That is not dead which can eternal lie, and with strange eons even death may die. I am Obed Marsh, and I am Eternal."

Every one of those characters still believe that he can't be killed.

This, of course, after that he heads back to the dragonborn town with the line. "I need a beer and a woman." My friends point out that this is a town full of dragon born. I point out that dragonborn have +2 charisma and Obed Marsh is too manly not to sleep with lizard chicks.

A few more crazy rolls later and he's married to a fire spitting nymphomaniac and is planning on training their daughter up to be a bitching fighter.

>>6097142
Also, true Leroy Jenkins moment.

The BBEG decided to hit us at home. I'm the one with portal spells so I use up the last of my ingredients to make a portal.

Obed is, of course, first through. The rest of them describe how they ready their weapons and plunge through into the harrowing halls of Obed's dining room...

Fire and ice dance in his eyes in equal parts as he tells them to wait in the fucking corner. No one has the balls to stand up to a man they think is some sort of elder god made flesh so they stand in the fucking corner and wait for him to calmly give his wife the destination of a massive evil organization that's going to look out for her while he goes to kill their enemies like usual.

He then calmly tells them that they need more spell ingredients for the portal to the BBEG. The rest of them pitch in for enough portals to check on their families first, as an afterthought

Obed Marsh, Powerful, Immortal, Sinister, and a pretty damn good family man

>>6097142
No. Fucking. Way.

Over 9000 Internets for you. That and this lovely piece of Cthulhu jewelery, straight from the sunken halls of R'lyeh.

>>6097260
Hand to the Great Old Ones. Some of the little details here and there might change from telling to telling (mostly near the beginning since I didn't realize it was going to turn out epic enough to be worth remembering)

But the important parts. The parts with the spider, the explosion, and the friends not realizing that I didn't just off myself, all true.

And I assure you, this is not copypasta. It's been posted here alot, But I'm the original.

Which reminds me, since you seem like you might get it.

I got my DM to okay my usage of a summoning spell to pluck one little unassuming meteor out of the stars.

This is my backup plan for the BBEG. This, and handing my DM a copy of "the colour out of space." Then I have Obed wait for a few months, probably raising his daughter.
Then I demand experience points for what happened to the BBEG because of me

>>6097260
It's not made out of gold with a queer tinge of white to it.

This is worthless.

Happened two days ago, One lone Tactical Space Marine won combat against 17 Chaos Bloodletters, he then proceed to chase them down and kill them all! HAHA!

>>6097316
Very nice. In return more awesome shiny things.

Sauce, for those of you interested: http://www.tekeli-li.com/

Jesus-Dan charged into the final room in Scenario 4 and fired three BFG shots in succession. All three shots missed, but the wayward blasts managed to destroy everything in the room.

Mike, in the meantime, threw a grenade and it bounced directly back onto him.

>>6097441
Wow I fail at uploading pics. Here's the ring again.

>>6097563
That's not a "natural" blue sapphire. I don't think it's even a real sapphire. Note how the stone is rounded, that's the sign of a fake. The silver looks alright though, but I'd want to see one personally for signs of tarnish after noting the stone.

I have a couple ranks in Appraise

>>6096993
>moving the legs as if it was walking in the sky

And no one made any "Skywalker" jokes? I am disappoint.