>>6023844
Dude... no one misses you, Helm. You were a dick.

deviant art huh
leave

Oh hey. What's up, bro?

>>6023888
Bumping specifically because I don't like you.

>>6023893

Yo. Uhm, you know. Chilling, wishing I wasn't a statue. So how's Mystra these days? Tyr isn't still nuts, is he?

>>6023844
Not really. Too busy patching up my Wall.

>>6023965

...not really? I mean, I was really good at the whole duty thing, so isn't it, like, less dutiful now?

Oh, I totally miss you, Helm. Ralph Nader of the paladin world, you kept all the choir boys who were on the fence about the whole "duty versus honor" thing from uniting under Torm. Too bad your boss turned out to be a total chump who got played by a spastic little lunatic, and too bad YOU didn't have the foresight to...oh, I dunno...

Have an offspring with an outsider that you could use as a proxy until he got ripe enough to explode out of? Guess I can't expect ALL the gods to be graced with my insight.

Enjoy the masonry, sucker!

>>6024072

Oh, sure, be evil about it. It's not like you were stupid enough to go steal the Overgod's boombox and get him all pissed off at you to the point that he made you not-a-god.

Oh, that's right, I'm the only one who kept his powers. And you're the smart one?

Paladin of Helm here.

WHY HAVE YO FORSAKEN ME, MY LORD?!

You're right, I really looked like a jerk after that.

For a few lousy decades anyway. Sure I let my loincloth-clad bastard of an offspring run the show for awhile, and sure it wasn't exactly a picnic getting killed by a lightweight like Torm in front of all those onlookers, but things worked out in the end.

Besides, it could have been worse! I could have had my girlfriend's avatar get fed to a nishruu for several days, then proven myself to be the grandest tool of all time and domestically-abused her on down the celestial stairway because I fear the responsibility of taking charge of my own actions.

Oh PS. The new Mystra? The one that replaced the one you were schtupping? Yeah, she blew up when Cyric popped her.

>>6024132

Oh. Hi there, buddy. Sorry about that, just try not to worship the crazy one-eyed fucker, huh? Stay dutiful, my son.

>>6024177

YOU leave Mystra II out of this. And, oh yeah, question...

>>6024177

How do you explain THIS, Bane-boy? The hell is this thing, anyway? Is that a dragon's claw or something? Trying to appeal to all those oh-so-cool-Dragon-men that suddenly fell around your ears?

I...

HAVE NO DAMN CLUE WHAT IS GOING ON.

>>6024299
we are talking about what happened during the time of troubles and the spellplague

>>6024251

For your information, yes. Yes it is. Since you had to bring up the fucking dragon men. It's economics, Lawful Evil style. Let me give you a quick lesson;

Holy symbols are expensive. Why? They're made of metal, and metal is hard to come by. Especially when you'd rather be using it to make swords and armor. However, as Luck (you know, that chick you got killed over NOT getting lucky with by your stupid nut of a boss) would have it, we suddenly got a lifetime supply of...what?

That's right, FREE DRAGON MEN. It turns out that their hands look kind of cool, and the scales hold up really well with a little cheap taxidermy. So there we are. New symbol, more weapons, everyone wins.
...except the dragon men, but fuck them anyway.

>>6024318

...wait. What...?

Why don't you just man up and become a Vestige already? Man, even Tenebrous did and he was only kind of a God.

>>6024339
not every god or outsider that dies becomes a Vestige

>>6024336

My. New. Holy. Symbol. Is. Made. Of. Dragonborn.

>>6024317
>we are talking about what happened during the time of troubles and the spellplague

And I only have a vague idea of what happened in either. I know TIME OF TROUBLES is when gods were kicked down to the dirt and you could only get your divine power if you were within a distance of them. I know the spell plague was OH GOD MAGIC BLEW UP NOW ALL WIZARDS ARE CRAZAH.

But I have no clue on the specifics of what happened.

Other than that the god of magic can't seem to catch a damn break.

>>6024339

Unfortunately, some of us go to a spooky place where our bodies become statues. Totally sucks.

and THIS >>6024356
ASSHOLE'S OLD BODY IS STILL HERE, I don't know where he gets off...

...you know what? You're lying. Prove it.

>>6024396

No it isn't you gigantic dead faggot.

>>6024339
>>6024355
Mind if I ask what a vestige is?

>>6024420

That was me, by the way. The nearly-uncontested supreme overlord of Faerun.

>>6024423
they are a type of spirit from the book Tome of Magic that Binders and those with the right feat can make a pact with to gain specific bonuses

>>6024393

Well you see, my daughter, I...I don't really know, but I understand it was pretty ghey. Being that I'm dead and all, it's kind of hard to really understand what's going on in the Material Plane.

>>6024458
Eye sea.

Sounds kinda like a downgrade from a god though.

>>6024420

Is so. Maybe it's that voyeuristic son-of-yours decimated corpse. Or...

..NO. NO IT ISN'T.

OH BY AO I'M SO LONELY...!

Oh SURE, Bhaal and my dead ex-girlfried and Leira are all there, but we're ALL FUCKING STATUES!

Rrrmph.

>>6024504

Y-yes, I would say so. When your boss, god of Justice and Law, cracks your skull open with his gavel because he suspects you're macking on his CG woman, it does tend to be a downgrade, being dead and all.

Aww maaaan...

HELLO GUYS.

>>6024528

You know I...I think I feel a warm fuzzy somewhere. It reminds me of when I was the god of strife!

Feels good man.

Hey Helm, speaking of which...consider the following:

If my buds and I hadn't stolen Ao's divine clipboard, there would have been no time of troubles. If there had been no time of troubles, Cyric never would have ascended. If Cyric never ascended, Tyr wouldn't have lost his last few marbles and offed you because he thought you were fucking Tymora.

Think THATS heavy? Brace yourself.

If there had been no Time of Troubles, I never would have captured and tortured Mystra Two; Electric Boogaloo. Then she never would have found out that I had stolen the tablets and come running to tell Ao. And if she hadn't done THAT you wouldn't have killed her. And if you hadn't have killed her? Why, you'd still be attached. And Tyr wouldn't have been tricked by a Cyric that wasn't there into thinking you'd gotten lonely enough to try and steal his lucky little tamale.

Lastly, please find enclosed a picture to serve as proof that the claws are in fact legit. If I've learned anything from Malar it's to use ALL of the beast I kill.

The noble Dragonborn is also helping us take care of our hunger problem up in Zhentil Keep.

Why am I so great?

>>6024634

Hello there, good sir. I, uhm...it's nice to have another one so enthusiastic to meet a new face, and I-

>>6024634

YOU MONSTER! IF I WASN'T DEAD I WOULD HAVE MY PALADINS SMITE YOU!

>>6024132

...you don't happen to have the good ol' "Smite Evil" still in 4th edition, do you, my son?

>>6024671

...you'd have your paladins attack -me-? Helm, on the best day of your really REALLY boring life, I'd have kicked -your- ass. What have you got against your mortal lackies that you want to see them get humiliated so bad?

>>6024699

...oh YEAH? Well, uhm...

>>6023965

This one kicked YOURS, remember? "Oooh, Bane, set me free of the curse and I'll help you!" And then all he had to do was run away like the little pussy (sorry, you were a were-panther..) he was, and he outsmarted you.

NICE JOB.

>>6024731

Right, silly me for thinking somebody would hold up his word. Thank you for pointing out that Kelemvor is full of shit. Maybe that's where Cyric picked it up? Say, maybe Kelemvor TAUGHT it to him. Golly Helm, maybe it's Kelemvor's fault you're dead now.

Really though, how much worse can it be? The more I think about it, the more I realize you spent a depressing majority of your time standing around doing nothing. How different is it really to just...float around doing nothing?

>>6024792

I'm done with this crap! I don't need to float around listening to your billycock!

Look, Xvim, Mystryl, Mystra and I are inviting up the gnomish gods and Kiransalee to a statue party. And YOU, evil sir, are not invited!

Good evening!

>>6024830

When you rule a Lawful Evil society with an iron fist, the party never stops baby. Swing on by sometime if you ever get your dead ass raised.

We'll throw on a dragonborn.

Ya know Tyr's dead, right? I'm surprised you guys haven't met up in the floating void yet.

>>6024858

Oh, I'm certain the party never stops.

You know, when your most powerful cleric and converter dies in an attack on your Holy City you do't deign to stop, the organization he controlled along with his mage butt-buddy somehow all turn to worshiping Cyric....don't think I'd call that a party. Sounds pretty lame.

Oh, your nude-ass son is here.

>>6024873

...wait, what? Since when? What happened?!

>>6024671
>...you don't happen to have the good ol' "Smite Evil" still in 4th edition, do you, my son?

Sorry my lord but we can no longer Smite Evil as we used to. Things have...changed somewhat drastically.

>>6024892

Yeah, hey. Tell my retard son that he was a good cocoon. As for the everyone turning to Cyric thing...?

Look, I CAN'T CONTROL THE WRITERS! /cruisecontrol
Obviously it would take a total moron to choose goofy LOLRANDUMEBIL over stability and forward progress. Fuck the shades, fuck Cyric, and fuck you for bringing it up. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a costume party to attend.

...seems I'm going as Leonidas.

>>6024892
Yeah, apparently the poor schmuck got killed by swarms of demons whilst fending them off from an attack on Mt. Celestia. Talk about shitty ways to go, eh?

At least if I was still around I'd have made his death just a little bit more creative, but then again I'm still stuck out here waiting for one of my spawn to break into that damned celestial rock formation and get the rest of my essence back.

>>6024959

Oh, HEY, BUDDY, WHAT'S UP? Coming to the statue party tonight.

Whoa, serious, huh? Bet we'll find him sooner or later. What a douche. ..

>>6024924

Apologies, my son. Soon, I shall break free of this horrible plane and come back to all my waiting worshipers! Hasn't been too long, has it?

>>6024955

Bane, meet my friend, tiny-Chembryl! Say hello, tiny-Chembryl!
"HELLO!"
You don't look very happy tiny-Chembryl...

"Oh, I'm not!"

Why not?

"Mr. Meanie-Bane made me an exarch. I don't know what that means, but all I know is I'm dead and I'm not a god and it sucks!"

Aww, poo' lil' tiny-Chembryl! Look at what you did.

>>6024959
On the bright side, I'm back in the game thanks to getting Tyr's portfolio over justice.

>>6025036

LOOK ASSHOLE IT ISN'T LIKE I MAKE PUPPETS OUT OF YOUR DEAD CHOSEN, IS IT?!

OH THATS RIGHT YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANY CHOSEN BECAUSE YOU SUCKED AND NOBODY WANTED TO WORSHIP YOU AFTER YOU KILLED MYSTRA! THIS MOCKERY SHALL NOT GO UNPUNISHED!

Pray you remain in that cursed void, for should you escape I promise you that you'll long for the days you spent as a slab of rock!

>>6025036
What do you think? Half my essence is sitting in lockdown over at the divine customs office, a good chunk of it got dumped in a river, and the rest of me is floating in fleeting memory only kept alive by the fact that I still have a few rascals running amuck in the Realms. I mean, at least Myrkul gets to be a crown and take possession of people. And that lousy bastard Amaunator? Everybody thought the guy was out of commission after the whole 'cities fall, people lost faith in your sorry ass' deal. And all of a sudden he gets a 'Get Out of Astral Free' card because Lathander was his avatar? What about me?! I have avatars! Deaths used to be associated with me all the time! Whenever someone cried over the death of a loved one, they thought of me! What a ripoff.

..And, uh.. sure. Why not. I'll come to your party. ..There gonna be any hotties there?

>>6025124

Oh...hey Bhaal. You'll want to avoid that party Helm is throwing, it's sure to be a sausage fest.

Though in his case I guess it'd be more accurate to call it a cocktail weenie. And don't sweat that whole coming back to life thing! I've told you, I'm -on- it man. C'mon, would your old pal ever let you down?

>>6025123

Pppft. Oh, look, you're making him cry. How do you make a puppet cry?

that's pretty intense, dude.

>>6025173
You had plenty of chances to get me out of this ditch. Where the Abyss were you when Cyric was trying to off my spawn? And don't you even think that the strawberry cake matter is forgotten, Bane! Don't even think it!

>>6025201

Guess this makes it the second time tonight that I made a puppet cry then, Helm. Better make sure that armor doesn't rust up.

Oh wait, it's stone now isn't it?

>>6025124

Dude, YES. Kiransalee and Leira are foxes. Plus, now that we're all dead, Mystra II is all handsy and free-spirited-loving.

I mean, alignment can't matter TO MUCH when you're a floating statue, right? Besides, if my former-asshole-boss can fuck a chaotic woman when he's the EMBODIMENT OF LAW, I think this is totally acceptable.

Aww hell, Xvim's already naked. Bane, your son is so gay.

>>6025252
Uh, he's part Taanar'ri and the biggest concern you have is that he might be gay? You're such a homophobe, Helm, I've really come to expect better from you.
Bhaal, I've been sort of busy. It's on my to-do list, alright? You've gotta cut me some slack! I'm sure I could've gotten to it during the past one hundred years or so, but things have suddenly fast-forwarded, and to be honest it's all I can do to get power to my clerics with the new rules!

(I keep hearing that they suck these days, so I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong.)

Just hang in there champ. Who loves ya?

...also Helm, my loser son is queer as an electrum coin. Why do you think I blew him up?

>>6025252
Wait, Kiaransalee? You mean that undead drow bitch? What are you, some kind of desperate nerd that will lay with any desperate piece of ass that sits on your lap? At least have some real women around, who are hot while also being freaky. Bane knows what I'm talkin' about, bitches like that skank Loviatar.

...I GO OUT FOR 15 MINUTES AND YOU DICKS HAVE ALREADY FUCKED UP THE PLANES! GODDAMN!, BANE, STOP BEING AN ASS, HELM, STOP FLOATING AROUND, YOU'RE GIVING ME THE CREEPS!

AND WHAT THE NINE HELLS DID YOU LITTLE SHITS DO WITH MY HOLY SYMBOL! ...I swear, leave anything around, and these bastards will fuck it up. Need constant babysitting or they'd shit on all the prime materials....

HEY! GET THE HELLS OFF ME!

>>6025335

Think he wants to say hi. It's hard to figure out what he says, he's pretty incoherent.

Get that loincloth back on!

Bhaal, get over here, I don't want to be stuck in a room with him alone for too long!

>>6025351

>>6025354
What makes you think I want to share a room with that queen? After Cyric, I've had quite enough of queer little men shoving their phallic symbols into my body.

>>6025389
I choked on my soda, thanks a lot

>>6025385
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GAWKING AT BOY!? BACK IN MY DAY AT LEAST THE DEITIES DID THEIR JOB INSTEAD OF SITTING INFRONT OF THE SCRYING BALL AND WHINING BACK AND FORTH!

HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU ABOU-
>>6025389
DEAR GOD, YOU'RE UGLY!

>>6025351
>>6025459

>>6025459
SHIT! FORGOT MY DIVINE AURA!

>This thread.

>>6025459
I'm dead, you uppity shit, Ao. And this is the only guise most people remember me by. If you hadn't imposed those retarded laws after the Time of Troubles, I'd be able to return and impose a more befitting image for the public, but nooooo; "Daddy needs his private time," "Daddy can't handle all the noise you're making," "Daddy's going to put you all in a wagon then dump you out in the middle of the woods where you can kill each other and I'll be back in a few years".

Go fuck the Grey Wastes.

>>6025459

Sorry lord Ao, you know I'd never do anything to upset you.

Hey Helm?

>>6025491

Ssssh, you shouldn't talk back to the Overgod! He'll kick your ass...!

And, really, I know you were boning Loviatar. She's more desperate than Kiransalee by far, brother. All you had to do was spank her and she'd be gyrating in your face. Don't deny it.

Please, come over. This is getting fucking creepy...

>>6025502

...yes?

>>6025521

This is you.

>>6025521
Piss off, Helm, it's not like grovelling will get my body back. Not that you should say much anyway. You were so busy sucking his wang with expert precision his balls couldn't handle you getting tossed out with the rest of us. At the very least he could have stuck us somewhere where there wouldn't be pansy little humans like Cyric around. Hell, if you think about it, it's Ao's fault you're dead in the first place. If Ao hadn't tossed us out, then Cyric wouldn't have killed me and become a god in the first place.

And you're forgetting one major difference between Loviatar and Kiaransalee: Loviatar's hot.

>>6025491
AND THE REALMS HAVE NEVER BEEN BETTER! THE MORTALS ALREADY HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS WITHOUT HAVING TO LOOK AT YOU!

NOW! IF YOU KIDS WILL EXCUSE ME, I'VE GOT A DATE WITH TAMARA. FOR SOME DAMN REASON, THE LIGHT WANTS DRAGONBORN, AND SOMEONE KEEPS USING THEIR HANDS AS HOLY SYMBOLS!

I'LL EXPECT THE REALMS TO BE HERE WHEN I GET BACK! AND NOT ON FIRE THIS TIME! ...Though it's not bloody likely.

>>6025559
>>6025539

>>6025595
Never been better? You tit, half the pantheon is dead and the Realms have been thrown into perpetual darkness for all eternity because of you. Not that I dislike the scenario, but I want in on the action, dammit!

>>6025636
Hey, Helm. Is that supposed to be bending that way?

>>6025652

.....halp....

>>6025693
Oh, hey. There's some githyanki murdering some travellers. Well, have fun, Helm!

>>6025713

How do I do archive requests for epic thread?

Archive this shit.

>>6025772
you lurk more.

>>6025772
>>6025780
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive.html

Follow instructions at the top.

>>6025786

Lurking moar won't help! The thread will 404 before I learn what I need!

>>6025850

Danke!

Just passing through

http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive.html

Request for archive received! Be sure to vote.