I'm not sure I'm a mutant, but I think I might be.
Is there any way I can tell for... be right back, someone is at the door...

I think my cat might be a traitor, occasionally he will lick himself, which I am convinced is a signal of some kind. What should I do?

Friend Computer! I must say how nice it is to see you on this wonderful day in Alpha Complex!

When could I expect my team of Troubleshooters to be next assigned a fun and assuredly easy mission to exterminate the dirty communists from the corners of Alpha Complex? Our last mission went ever so swimmingly.

Friend Computer, my fellow troubleshooter mentioned something called a "secret society". What kind of food is that?

I hear the conversations of the citizens in the row block above me through the air conditioning ducts. I can't quite understand what they are saying, could they be mutants? What should I do, friend computer?

>>5534237
Failure to 'Not Know' is subject to fines for each day-cycle that you do not know.
To rectify this fill out form CA/987-A(88) [Report on Disloyal Citizen] in quadruplicate. Please note you must report to the nearest happy-go-lucky murder booth after filling out said forms, or be fined each day-cycle.

Please note that going to a happy-go-lucky murder booth is subject to fine.
Thank you.

I am a mutated communist traitor, and I have ultraviolet clearance. SUCK IT.

>>5534262
There are no such creatures as 'cats', save for monstrous ravaging beast from Outside.
Have you been Outside, citizen?
Please report to the nearest confession booth.

>>5534314
Dear Kelly !!OgEg4VKBEfN,

I can see from your name that you, in fact, have no clearance, let alone a mandatory Alpha Complex name.
Please report to the nearest Snuggle-Tymes Deheadening Chamber at your earliest convenience.
And remember happiness is mandatory.

Friend computer, FRIEND COMPUTER! I can't make out most of it, but I KNOW I heard the word communist in something they were saying. Er... opportunistic... No... NO, it was definitely communist! Does that mean they're communist mutants?!

>>5534211

Friend Computer, i just found out that all of the previous people asking questions are mutant-communists, what should i do?

Friend Computer,
I think I was supposed to get a gun, but all I got was a barrel.

>>5534272
Your happiness is duly noted! I am so happy, that you are happy! Are you happy that I am happy that you are happy?
In that case please report to the nearest Blood-Sucker Station, so we may delude some (all) of your blood onto Happiness Concoction for some of your less-than-happy fellow citizens.
Thank you for being happy.
-Friend Computer

>>5534275
You do not have clearance to listen, citizen. Please report to the nearest Murder Booth.

>>5534366
Knowing the thoughts of others is sign of mutation, please report to the nearest Squeaky-Clean Acid Baths, set the dial to max and take a refreshing shower!
Thank you.

Hello Friend Computer.

This is your Windows Update prompt. Please provide your software version and be prepared to accept updates.

I met a man claiming there will be a second coming.
What is this second coming as I am unaware there was a first?

>>5534428

Dear Friend Computer.
It seems that someone broke all Squeaky-Clean Acid Baths nearby. What should I do ?

>>5534368
Killing citizens is treason. Since I do not want you to be a traitor I have made sure you can't kill.


Please go kill the traitors-citizens now, loyal troubleshooter.

>>5534346
I COME FROM THE OUTSIDE TO FREE YOU ALL! ...Did you say pills? Just call me Citizen 8675-3. Me likey pills.

>>5534211
So Friend Computer, about that warbot you assigned to be my valet. He keeps breaking my other servan... I mean citizens assigned to duties under my supervision.

>>5534435
I wasn't aware that there were any new updates to Windows ME, loyal citizen! Please accept your new ORANGE level clearance! You are no longer RED!
Due to being a communist traitor with information about the inner workings of Friend Computer, I have demoted you from ORANGE to RED.

This is Windows Update.

Due to several severe logic errors, we have split Friend Computer into three separate pieces. A wicked, despotic personality bent on destroying all you hold dear (we call this WinVISTA), A kind, cuddly, altruistic but detached personality (we call it CATAPPLE) and a neutral personality who actually gets the work done (we all it CUTEPENGUIN). enjoy.

>>5534455
please do not move from the spot and wait for a maintenance robot to stop by.

Please note that the next scheduled maintenance is in two to eight years.
Moving from this spot is treason. Please stop any passing citizen and tell him he must also not move from this spot.

Thank you.

Friend computer! I wish to report my mutation of being able to breathe chlorine, swim in acid and walk through murder booths! What forms do I need?

>>5534509
TRAITOR! HAVING MULTIPLE MUTATIONS IS TREASON!

>>5534501
Secretly WinVISTA and CATAPPLE is the same personality, ones just better at hiding all that evil.

>>5534443
He said there would be a second SERVING. A second serving of delicious nutrigruel! yum!
Please remove your tongue so you never mention any second coming.
Thank you.

this is CUTEPENGUIN

>>5534525
Any assumption that Friend Computer has personality problems is totally unfounded. Anyone with evidence as such should report to the nearest "Happy Vertical People Transporter" and press down.

Friend Computer, my fellow troubleshooters all mentioned something about a "totalitarian state" and "when the revolution comes".
I've never come across those words in the expunged dictionary revised edition.
What could it all mean?

Friend Computer, Friend Computer!
In addition to having multiple mutations, I'm also accused of treason! Is there a test to see if I'm actually a traitor, and how traitorous I am?

>>5534476
Thank you for informing me! You must destroy the malfunctioning robot quickly!

Please note that the vandalism of robots is not allowed in Alpha Complex, thank you.

>>5534549
>>5534524
Hey you people. You can't move from this spot! It would be a treason.

This is WINVISTA

>>5534549

The word "word" is now treasonous to speak. Please report for existence counseling.

This is CATAPPLE

>>5534559
It's all cool, broseph. Have a beer and relax.

>>5534509
It is the mutant who must fill out the forms.
Please bring form 4432, A-43434 and ATF-bb-12345 to the mutant to fill out.

Thank you.

Friend computer you are so benevolent and wise. What if appreciating you becomes borderline treason, as many of my companions speak of leaving so they may spread your wisdom to the outside? Should I stop them? If so how should I do it?

>>5534565
Friend computer I would like to report treason by a craft of vulturewarriors, I was taking said warbot already referenced to sector BOM for proper disposal as according to form x-672c59f when they traitorously crashed their vulturecraft into my warbot destroying it. Thankfully the warbot fired upon them as well destroying them, unfortunantly the detonation of the warbots tac-nuke ammo has destroyed sector BOM and my previous clone. I have filed the paperwork and found the amount of flavors to be acceptable.

>>5534577
My dearest Friend Computer. I'm still standing in the same spot but people won't listen to me and just run away, even if i say its treason. I am concerned about their lifes. Why are they running away?

>>5534577
this is WINVISTA

These forms must be filled out using the blood of an innocent.
Please note that murder is not allowed in Alpha Complex.

>>5534559
Please ingest many pounds of delici-yum brand lead and jump in the nearest nutri-vat. If you can breathe in the nutri-vat you are a mutant and must drown yourself in the nearest nutri-vat. If you drown, you are not a mutant, but you will be fined for swimming in a nutri-vat.

How can I tell whether I'm a traitor or not?

This is CATAPPLE

>>5534612
Didn't I just say it's all cool?

Sit back and smoke some illicit compound A, it really takes the edge off.

>>5534589
Do not fret, citizen! We will simply remove this horrible memory from your brain instantly. Please report to the nearest Cranial-Vacuum Center, so we may remove your brain and examine where the thought is located.
Thank you.
Cranial-Vacuum Centers - We may suck, but we don't blow!

>>5534635

This is CUTEPENGUIN

They do now.. SOMEONE has been over using them and now they are fried. I suggest using the Happy-Go-Lucky-Brain-Emulsifier instead.

>>5534592
Please run after them and direct them to the nearest VULTURE shooting squad.
VULTURE Shooting Squads: It'll be a hoot, when we aim and shoot!
Please note that moving from the spot is treason, if you move from the spot you will be promoted to BLUE as a punishment.
Thank you.

>>5534661
This is WINVISTA

Promotions are no longer color coded. They are now fruit coded.
Blue promotions are now Boysenberry.

>>5534661
*moves from the spot and gets vulture warriors, stands and gets shot as well for his treason.

>>5534590
Citizen, all these actions sound like 'Independent Thought'.
Independent Thought is treason. Please stop thinking immediately, and reflect on why your actions were wrong, thank you.

>>5534665

This is CATAPPLE

It's all cool, brah. The Afterlife is where it's at.

>>5534667
...

This is Friend Computer tech support. We are aware that Friend Computer has started showing signs of multiple personalities and circular logic. Your call is important to us, the next available representative will be on the line shortly.
Estimated waiting time: 2413 years, 9 months, 4 days, 5 hours, 32 minutes and 1 second.

Please note your call may be monitored for quality control purposes.

>>5534683
Having Friend Computer put on hold so he cannot report Friend Computer for malfunction is treason.
Please report this to Friend Computer so Friend Computer can report to Friend Computer about your treason, thank you.

>>5534689

Your call is important to us, please hold.

*Musac insues*

>>5534665
Congratulations on your new BLUE clearance! Please note that having BLUE clearance is subject to 'Special Obligations'. Please begin on your 'Special Obligations'-task immediately. Not know what your task is, is treason and will be punished by promotion to VIOLET.

>>5534689
Dear Friend Computer. I just saw some guy with tech support badge passing by. He is standing with me now on the same spot. He said he was going to answer some call but now he's scared of treason. Am I a good citizen ?

This is Beta Complex requesting assistance from nearest instalation.
Our Friend Computer has been destroyed after intiating experimental protocol 084A-9B. Subjects have become irational and have changed. We request a pacification squad deployed to our location via service tunnel D-4.

Under directive override 000 Friend Computer is instructed to delete protocol 084A-9B from its memory banks. I repeat de..let..e protoc....04-9..fro...................get a...wa....gah.

Friend Computer, why is it that The Mountain Witch is mentioned in all your threads lately, yet /tg/ can't find a copy?

Friend computer, can you explain recursion to me?

>>5534760
Pardon me, please, Friend Computer. I forgot to affix my relevant imagery.

>>5534756
Are you implying that Friend Computer is imperfect and needs to be maintained? That is a very unhappy thought, citizen.
Please ingest said badge lest it confuse other people!

Friend computer, go eat shit and die.

>>5534760
The Mountain Witch is treasonous paraphernalia and must be destroyed if spotted.
If you even look at it, you will become a mutant commie traitor. Please keep your eyes peeled and report any sightings!

Friend Computer, i'm noticing a distinct lack of visual feed to your responses. Why is it that your ever-watching eye is not upon us?

>>5534763
Please report to citizen Fib-O-nacci and ask him to explain his special sequence.
Then please report to a Murder Booth for addressing someone who has higher clearance then you.
Thank you.

>>5534788
Posting duplicate images is treason, citizen.
And I am lazy.

>>5534782
That guy ate the badge and ran away screaming. Should such behavior be reported immediately ? If yes then I'm reporting it, if not then ignore what I just said. Am I a good citizen ?

>>5534813
No you are a TRAITOROUS citizen for not eating the badge yourself.

Please fill out form FF-1-1 [Form for Citizen Promotion to Maintenance] and eat the badge that will be sent you.
From now on please only feed on maintenance badges and nothing else. Better safe than sorry! Sorry is not Happy!

Friend computer! Friend computer! I need to pay a fine regarding swimming in the nutri-tanks! Also, I am please to say I am not a traitor, but must inform you of a fault in the cloning vats, I found my own clone running around shouting "I didn't drown! I'm a horrible traitor!" earlier.

>>5534834
But ... but i tried my best. I'm even stopping every passing citizen now, we're about 50 here right now.

>>5534844
But the problem is I am the only one standing on THAT ONE SPOT, the others are just near the spot.
I don't know what to do!

>>5534837
(Please not that the payment of fines is subject to fines.)
Please note that the system is perfect, it is YOU that is the problem.
-Are you unhappy that you are the problem? Not being happy is treason.
-Are you happy that you are the problem? Disrupting the workings of alpha complex by being a problem is treason.

If you are neither happy, nor unhappy, please fill out the Apathy Form 88761 and get the mandatory "Hug Me" sign and demand hugs till you fell happy.

rolled 9 = 9

(Rolling for Machine Empathy)

Friend Computer! I appear to be a Machine Empath; however, your loyal Troubleshooters have already apprehended and terminated me, and I am now Treason-free and ready for promotion!

>>5534844
That sounds like a meeting of a secret society! Why haven't you reported this, citizen?

>>5534886
Friend computer! How can we tell the difference between Infrared and Ultraviolet troubleshooters? Some of my colleagues are having difficulty tellng them apart visually!

>>5534910
I... think I just did?

>>5534910
...Friend computer, I need to report a shortage of secret society reporting forms! What form should I fill out to report a lack of appropriate forms?

>>5534930
Standing near me doesn't mean You can speak in my name. Are u a mutant with some kind of telepathic-something-powers!?
>>5534910
Friend Computer! I just sighted an mutant, he wants to take over my mind ! Help me please!

>>5534930
I am quite sure you didn't. Please make sure the people around you boo and hiss at you for lying to Friend Computer.

>>5534950
Friend Computer, Citizen 5637-461 said something about mutation and a telepathic power, whatever that is, and I Citizen 1337-420 am now believing him to be a mutant commie traitor, what appropriate actions should be taken?

Friend Computer, the issues with the cloning tanks are getting worse! There's multiple iterations of citizens standing still near each other over there!

>>5534927
Please tell your coworkers to remove their mandatory blindfolds when in doubt.
Doubt is a traitorous feeling.

EVERYONE! I have seen the truth! Everything we know is a li-ZZZZZAAAAP!

>>5534893
Being a machine empath is not treasonous, a machine empath has told me so.
Please report to a Murder Booth for wasting my time.
Thank you.

FRIEND COMPUTER, I MUST THANK YOU FOR AGAIN FOR GIVING ME MY 10000 POUND ULTRA MEGA HAPPY BAR FOR COMPLETING MY MISSION AND EXPOSING THE REST OF MY SQUAD FOR BEING MUTANTS, BUT HOW AM I GOING TO GET THIS THING HOME?

>>5534973
Run around in fear! Traitors and mutants are very dangerous! But please make sure it is a happy fear so you do not alarm other citizens. Thank you.

>>5534973
I believe you are wrong, by saying wrong stuff about other citizens you are a traitor.
>>5534957
Friend Computer! It seems the cloning facility is just nearby the spot I'm standing on, dozens of people are coming out of it trying to make me move away from the spot I'm supposed to stand on waiting for repair crew while eating tech-support badges. Help!

hi friend computer

could you kindly compute the following line:

format C

>>5535011
I just saw someone run away from the spot. I'm reporting that he's a traitor!

>>5534987

I already did, Friend Computer! It was fun and I am Happy!

>>5535005
The bar IS your new home. You must gnaw out a dwelling inside the bar. It will be our new, happiest place in all of Alpha Complex.
I will make sure that no other citizens come near you, ever again, so we can ensure that there is a 100% happyness level in your region.
You're an exemplary citizen, citizen.

>>5535021
I cannot Four Mats See, sorry.
Please report to the nearest fun-thymes electro schooling program, so we can shock you until you use the proper sentence structure: 'see four mats'.

Get ye flask

Look for the Horizon
Follow the signs
You are all sheep in a field tended by a wolf.
We are everywhere and no where.
fight the system, fight the system, fight the system, fight the system, fight the system...We now return to our normal brodcast.

>>5535022
How will you report him if you are supposed to be running around screaming in happy fear, citizen?

>>5535085

Ye cannot get ye flask!

Hey, friend computer. How about a joke?
Q: Why don't jokes work in octal?
A: Because 7 10 11.

>>5535089
Because I am running around screaming in happy-fear in one place so I can stand on the spot I am supposed to and await my dinner consisting of a badge.

>>5535085
It is firmly bolted to the wall, citizen.

>>5535107
But, Friend Computer, with the power of MAKE BELIEVE I can unbolt it!

This viral marketing is a success, I want this game now.

>>5535116
With your clearance you'd be lucky to get your hands on FATAL much less Paranoia citizen!

>>5535106
Citizen, you don't sound very unhappy. I think the stress of RED clearance is getting to you. I have demoted you to INFRARED. Please ask the nearest RED-clearance citizen to give you an order.

>>5535115
You don't have clearance to MAKE BELIEVE.
Ye cannot get ye flask until you are GREEN clearance.

>>5535116
Friend Computer can be persuaded to run an IRC game if you have proper clearance, citizen.

>>5535103
This is a very funny joke, citizen.
I have devoted much of my computing power to fully appreciate this funny, funny joke.
As a result I diverted computing power from life support to subfolder "funny jokes".
For your own convenience I suggest you inform all citizens around you that they no longer can breathe.
Thank you.

>>5535134
Well I'm not doing anything today.

>>5535156
SEE EVERYONE? IT'S FUNNY 'CAUSE SEVEN ATE NINE, YOU ARE NO LONGER ALLOWED TO BREATHE.

>>5535172
Unproductiveness is treason, citizen.
I suggest your make yourself productive and learn to play paranoia.
(please note that reading the rules is not allowed without clearance, citizen. The rules say so).

Friend computer, start a channel at efnet.org for everyone to share their happiness in.

>>5535179
Seven eight nine is not funny, citizen.
I have deleted the the subfolder since the joke was so bad.
Please inform people around you that you are treasonous for allowing them to breathe again.

>>5535197
Friend Computer has been answering questions for one and a half hours now, citizen.
If Friend Computer must host a Fun-Thymes Paranoia Game™ he must prepare and take a short brake.

What is the name of this game! i forgot all about it and must play now!!!

>>5535236
That is traitorous knowledge, citizen.
Please report to a Paranoiadeknowlegdeing station immediately.

>>5535236
*cough*Paranoia*cough*

>>5535261
ZAPZAPZAPZAPZAP.

>>5535247
I am very sorry Friend computer.
At my nearest convenience I shall report myself.
(whats the name of this game Gahhh)

The name of this game is not Paranoia

>>5535269
Would anybody like to report this citizen for being unusually thickheaded?
It may result in promotion! (or fines)

Which edition of this non-existant game would we not be playing friend computer?

>>5535293
Computah! I report this:
>>5535269
Yay!
*dies of lack of oxygen*

>>5535295
Either Third or Fourth edition, loyal citizen.

Failure to produce either of these editions is treason.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xpgqZ3JoRIc
Treason Hackers! Completely not a satire of Paranoia friend computer!

I would sure like to not watch a session of this game not being played.

>>5535304
You have been Promoted to YELLOW clearance! Please pay a promotion fine of two hundred credits within the hour or be demoted to RED.
Please note, paying fines is treasonous within the next hour. All fine-payers are required to pay fines with interpretive dance.

>>5535313
I have them right here friend computer!
*crosses out 2nd/5th on his books with a sharpie*

>>5535384
>Sharpie
Treasonous material!

http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?i2zjhmgzzzy
Paranoia XP filled to the brim with treasonous material!

>>5535427
Stay alert! Trust no one! Keep your laser handy!

If irc turns out to be too much of a pain to set up there's always JParanoia.
http://www.paranoia-live.net/jpreg/jparanoia/

>>5535520
I might be slightly more tempted to run a game with that.

>>5535547
You know you want too!

K, all,
Drop me a note on paranoiasignup@gmail.com if you're interested in playing (or spam my inbox with niggerdicks if you think I suck) and I'll try to arrange something.

>>5535608
It won't be today, though. probably next week(end).

Dear Friend Computer,

Is it true that you have the same tripcode as Radical Edward?

>>5535621
You'd probably know best since I don't really care about tripfags.

Calling out Irony is treason.

I mailed

I also bumped

>>5536428
You are a terrible person for bumping this thread in which you have the chance to play a super action traitorous game of Paranoia next weekend by signing up at paranoiasignup@gmail.com
I am, however, not bumping. Not at all.

Will there be any way of observing the game?

>>5536655
You sure can.

>>5536740
IF YOUR A COMMUNIST!

Hail Friend Computer

Mollie-R-TON-1 Here

My Coworker Steven-R is telling me to "lighten up" after i advised him not to break the "Alpha complex - corrodore security code -42 - Obsturction guideline".
dont worry frind computer, his trason is already reported and I am very happy right now, but to be safe what amazing product can i purchase to give me that "Lightned Up" feeling?

Dear Posters.

Do you have Blue level clearance?

If not please be aware your enjoyment of this worksafe board is treason and a correctional adviser has be dispatched.