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    12 KB The Lord-Captain Munchausen Anonymous 08/18/09(Tue)12:27 No.5502411  
    Let me tell you of the misfortune I suffered whilst dining with Archmagos Ralwure the Golden in the most grand floating Machine Temple of Hive Sibellus. The Lord-Sector Hax had sent me in his place to this banquet for the scent of machine oils disagrees with his digestion. While discoursing with the Archmagos – a conversation in which I proved a theorem upon the nature of the Omnissiah that had eluded the Mechanicus Calixis for centuries, using no more than a folded napkin and my trusty autoquill – my heirloom genekey ring managed to work its way loose from my finger. It can only have been the omnipresent machine oils with which the Tech-Priests lubricate everything, even the cutlery of honoured guests.

    Now the banquet itself was held upon a suspensor platform near the spires, and overhanging the gulfs of Sibellus, such that a splendid view was had in any direction, including upwards or downwards. My ring bounced one, twice, a third time upon the head of a servitor-de-camp, and then was gone. I would have leaped after it, trusting in the God-Emperor to guide my fall – for I have plunged into worse and come out the better for it – but a better idea came to me.
    >> Anonymous 08/18/09(Tue)12:27 No.5502415
    "Archmagos!" I said, "bring forth all of your suspensor devices!" Such was the regard in which the Machine Cult held my erstwhile self that in but a little while Machine Temples were grounded, servitors set in racks, and floating transports set to rest all throughout this hive of billions. I ascended to the Spire where I had the Tech-Priests assemble four great voice-trumpets, each a kilometer in length and pointing to the cardinal directions of the Hive's expanse. I am, after all, a noble figure, and I must make my apologies when I inconvenience others to recover from my own clumsiness.

    Putting my lips to each voice-trumpet in turn, I broadcast my apology to the Imperial citizens of Sibellus, the vast devices amplifying my voice so greatly that the very spires shook, and my message was carried across a thousand leagues in each direction! "Be not alarmed!" I said, "For I, the Lord-Captain Munchausen must briefly tilt Hive Sibellus so as to retrieve a vital artefact. Afterwards, I promise you, I will press upon the Lord-Sector to provide a fine glass of amasec for each of you." With each directional message, a great cheer went up from the masses, for every upstanding Imperial citizen appreciates the virtues of amasec.
    >> Anonymous 08/18/09(Tue)12:28 No.5502423
    All this while, and by my direction, thousands upon thousands of red-robed Mechanicus set their suspensor devices upon the landward rim of the Hive – and slowly it began to lift, the entireity of Hive Sibellus slanting seawards. I briefly considered some mechanism for perhaps shaking the Hive a little, the better to dislodge my ring were it stuck, but thought that first I should see whether the mere act of tilting was sufficient.

    Accordingly, I and the Archmagos Ralwure reconvened our banquet above the cliffs of the Lucid Palace, joined by the Lord-Sector Hax as we watched all sorts of gewgaws and trinkets slide from the Hive. My servants manned a bank of a hunded auto-telescopes, peering at each new arrival as it slipped from the tilted hive. Soon enough the entire expanse of sea between Palace and hive wall was filled with lost items and the debris of the underhive – and my ring upon the very apex of the pile.

    This, then was how I cleansed Hive Sibellus of 8,000 years of clutter and recovered my irreplaceable genekey ring.
    >> Anonymous 08/18/09(Tue)12:35 No.5502481
    Truly, an impressive and bold plan, to strike two tasks with one blade, my Lord.

    Did you account for the fact that 65% of the buildings of the hive were not designed to tilt at such an angle and, indeed, would snap loose from their foundations to topple with their inhabitants screaming into the sea?
    >> Anonymous 08/18/09(Tue)12:46 No.5502590
    Ah, in the interests of drama, I omitted those longer portions of my message to the citizens of Sibellus. For whilst I ascended the spire I drew up a masterful plan by which each and every Imperial citizen could assemble the components of a standard template chair and three dollops of corpse-starch into a hive-brace just as strong as those that support the hive structure itself.

    With my exhortation and cheer, and the promise of a glass of amasec, the citizens of Sibellus set to work with a will. This, you understand, took place whilst I made my way to the Lucid Palace and my bank of auto-telescopes.

    As a consequence, there are now no chairs in Hive Sibellus at level below the spire. It is an astounding opportunity for profit, and one for which my fellow Lords-Captain have only me to thank.
    >> Anonymous 08/18/09(Tue)12:51 No.5502640
    I had a cousin there that day, and she tells me of a most ingenious arrangement of suspensors to mitigate those deleterious effects.
    >> Anonymous 08/18/09(Tue)12:55 No.5502679
    Thank god, it's been far too long since we've had a Munchausen thread.
    >> Anonymous 08/18/09(Tue)13:01 No.5502718
    As a general rule, one should not trust the veracity of cousins. Why, once a man told he was my cousin, as we all know I have no cousins! Look to your family tree with greater care to detail, my good man.

    But as to the suspensors, it might well be true that amidst the Imperial masses of Hive Sibellus there are many who are quite as ingenious as my good self. For example, whilst I tarried upon the upper spire to thank the Tech-Priests who had so well constructed the grand voice-templates, I observed an entire district of people at the spirebase arrange themselves into chains, each clasping the ankles of the one before, so as to brace their structures against the tilt.

    Now I, sensible as I am, would never suggest such a risky strategem - but do not underestimate the strength and stubborness of the common hivedweller! They would form chains for a glass of amasec, but believe not one word of my ingenious scheme of braces.

    Perhaps your cousin resided in some remote area of the hive whereby my message reached them in a garbled and second-hand manner, and so them thought their task was back to front - suspensors to brace, and chairs and corpse-starch to tilt the hive. Stranger things have happened - and I, the Lord-Captain Munchausen have been witness to many of them!
    >> Anonymous 08/18/09(Tue)13:05 No.5502750
    It takes a particular tallent to write stuff like this.
    >> Anonymous 08/18/09(Tue)13:10 No.5502804
    Take me you marvelous man-monster.
    >> Anonymous 08/18/09(Tue)13:17 No.5502865
    My Lord, while this stirring tale of ingenuity and bold action-taking has left me, a mere citizen of our glorious Imperium, awestruck, I must confess I am left sorely uneducated as to a cornerstone of this herculean feat.

    While I understand that your Lordship is in possession of vast financial holdings, I have estimated that, for a glass of amasec to be gifted unto the entire population of Hive SIbellus, one must possess several hundred thousand barrels of the beverage. Due to socio-economic fluctuations caused by recent tyranid incursions to our inter-stellar space, calculations suggest that you would have to be in possession of a sizable sum (some billions) to purchase and distribute the promised amasec.

    Please excuse me, my Lord, if I have underestimated your impressive wealth, but could you have afforded this boon unto the people of Hive Sibellus without being condemned to a life in the under-hive?
    >> Anonymous 08/18/09(Tue)13:27 No.5502958
    Ah, if you will but heed the tale once more, good sir, you will notice the amasec and such condiments that go with it will be provided by the Lord-Sector, and all concerns to the logistics of such an operation will undoubtedly be a non-issue for such a grand servant of the Emperor.
    >> Anonymous 08/18/09(Tue)13:39 No.5503061
    Remind me to tell you of the time I spent trapped in the terrible underhive of Fenksworld, and how I escaped using only a hat, a cyberskull, and a one-legged pit-runner. The underhive holds no fear for one as resourceful as myself! But penury, now, is a different matter, and whilst it quite suits the Imperial faithful in their masses, you are quite right that it should be avoided by the titled.

    Now you will recall I placed the name of the Lord-Sector Hax in conjunction with the obligation of a glass of amasec for every man, woman, child, and possibly even servitor within the bounds of Sibellus. The Lord-Sector's holdings are so vast that an entire hive district is given over to scribes who do nothing else by try to determine where the Lord-Sector's wealth comes to and end, such that they can actually attempt to enumerate it. Vast fleets divert used parchments from Prol - a suggestion of my own made some years ago in solution to the Centurist-Pyratic feud, and a way to regain some space upon Prox IX - such that these scribes can make their notes.
    >> Anonymous 08/18/09(Tue)13:39 No.5503069
    Furthermore, the Lord-Sector remains convinced that he can one day win a wager made with my good self, despite the fact that no such thing has occurred to date. Upon each occasion he and I are within the same gilded halls, he makes a new wager, and I as the conssumate Imperial noble am compelled to accept. Upon the one hand I feel some guilt in this matter, as I know with certain surity that I will win once more thanks to my wondrous talents, but upon the the other hand, the Lord-Sector's wealth is for all intents and purposes without end.

    Thusly it was that I assigned the terms of my latest wager with the Lord-Sector to be the funding of a glass of amasec for each and every inhabitant of Sibellus, and the transport thereof. Why, this is a thing that the Lord-Sector should almost commission of his own will! Such a gainful employment of transport guilds and traders and makers of amasec! Not to mention the great goodwill of the peoples of the Hive, turned in support of the generous Lord-Sector.
    >> Anonymous 08/18/09(Tue)13:44 No.5503108
    Does anybody ever listen to "The Greatest Man That Ever Lived" while reading these or is it just me?

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