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    77 KB Abomination Quest Azazoth 08/15/09(Sat)01:20 No.5459922  
    Deep within the formless void, far beyond the stars, slowly, slowly, your vast awareness begins to return. Unfathomable to any lesser race, the very knowledge of your existence brings only madness and ruin.
    A tiniest fraction of your attention is drawn to an utterly insignificant pale blue dot, a speck of dust suspended in a sunbeam. Something is calling out. A microscopic voice, almost entirely beneath your notice. Someone dares to call your name.
    They call out...

    IA! Enter your name. IA!
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)01:21 No.5459931
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)01:21 No.5459934
    >> Shas'o R'myr !!TZikiEEr0tg 08/15/09(Sat)01:22 No.5459942
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)01:22 No.5459946
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)01:22 No.5459950

    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)01:23 No.5459958

    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)01:24 No.5459969
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)01:25 No.5459974
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)01:25 No.5459977
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)01:25 No.5459979
    >> Vector !NEy29ODpvs 08/15/09(Sat)01:27 No.5459991
    rolled 18 = 18

    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)01:27 No.5459995
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)01:28 No.5459999
    >> Azazoth 08/15/09(Sat)01:28 No.5460004
    "Ted! Ia! Great and mighty Ted! Heed my words and come to me! Ia fthagn! Ia! Ted, wise and powerful, attend your humble servant! Ia!"

    You feel a tiny fraction of your great consciousness being drawn towards this tiny planet. You're certain that you could resist the pull with even the tiniest of efforts. However, investigation may prove amusing.

    Ia! What do you do? Ia!
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)01:29 No.5460006
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)01:30 No.5460016
    Hideous Piping, and mad dreaming.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)01:30 No.5460022
    I offer him a doughnut. They're fucking tasty.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)01:30 No.5460025
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)01:31 No.5460029
    Lets go manifest as a small young female of whatever race it is thats summoning us.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)01:32 No.5460037

    Hit up the Dreamlands for some bitches and an interdimensional Pimp Cane, then cruise onto this new planet in style.
    >> Azazoth 08/15/09(Sat)01:36 No.5460073
    >Lets go manifest as a small young female of whatever race it is thats summoning us.
    >Hit up the Dreamlands for some bitches and an interdimensional Pimp Cane, then cruise onto this new planet in style.

    The room is lit by dozens of black candles. The scent of lamb's blood and cheap incense fills the air. As your manifestation appears in a burst of hideous noise, the scent of urine quickly joins it.
    "...holy... holy fuck. It actually worked." The supplicant is some sort of biped- squishy, pink, its head covered with some greasy keratinous tendrils. Two eyes stare forth from its face, and a salty water trickles forth from them. It quickly falls to its knees.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)01:38 No.5460081
    rolled 34 = 34

    >insignificant pale blue dot, a speck of dust suspended in a sunbeam

    Is dat sum Carl Sagan?
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)01:38 No.5460082

    Make a scary face, make a scary face!
    >> Vector !NEy29ODpvs 08/15/09(Sat)01:38 No.5460089
    rolled 14 = 14

    Seer away the stench.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)01:38 No.5460090


    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)01:40 No.5460102
    Ask it why it summoned you here. Lets let it think its in control.
    >> Azazoth 08/15/09(Sat)01:40 No.5460105
    Upon noticing your form, however, the supplicant raises an eyebrow. "You... you're really Ted, the magnificent, the unfathomable?"
    This being's thoughts are far louder than its words. He expresses doubt that your manifestation truly is the being he was seeking to summon. He also expresses some vindication- apparently, the elder cultists did not expect him to be capable of summoning anything at all.

    You notice that you are surrounded by a chalk PENTAGRAM. The runes, if properly drawn, might be sufficient to hold a By'a'kee confined. They are sloppy. They pose no threat to you.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)01:41 No.5460114

    Pimp slap this little bitch.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)01:42 No.5460122
    We are Ted, the Pimp. The size of our energetic abominable wang is such that its length may only be comprehended as the cardinality of a transfinite set!
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)01:42 No.5460128
    Assure it that we are indeed ted GREAT AND POWERFUL. And we shall grant it three wishes.
    >> Azazoth 08/15/09(Sat)01:44 No.5460139
    >Make a scary face.
    You make a VERY SCARY FACE. The scent of urine suddenly becomes much more pronounced. The supplicant nearly faints.

    >Ask the supplicant why you were summoned.
    The supplicant's response, after seeing your SCARY FACE, is mostly incoherent gibbering. Using your UNEARTHLY INTELLECT, you deduce that he did not actually have a specific goal in mind for the summoning, and simply wished to spite the other members of the cult who did not thing he'd be able to draw the attention of anything worthwhile.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)01:44 No.5460144

    And the best way to ensure it that we are indeed great and powerful is with the mother of all pimp slaps
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)01:45 No.5460146
    Provide him with three wishes.
    Then, we are going for a walk in this plane.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)01:45 No.5460147
    Strike the earth with our Pimp Cane to redecorate the room into something tasteful yet incredibly outlandish, as befits our magnificence. Then commence with the Pimp Slap of Power treatment to demonstrate dominance over this meatbag.
    >> Vector !NEy29ODpvs 08/15/09(Sat)01:45 No.5460153
    rolled 3 = 3

    The three wishes thing is always good for shits and giggles. We can kill him on the spot if we don't feel like granting them.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)01:46 No.5460163

    I'm thinking purple diamond encrusted velvet. Aww yeah, no one brings the extradimensional horror with as much muh' fuggin' STYLE as a pimp named Ted
    >> Azazoth 08/15/09(Sat)01:50 No.5460194
    >Assure it that we are indeed ted GREAT AND POWERFUL. And we shall grant it three wishes.

    You detect hope, and a small degree of incredulity, in the mind of the supplicant. It manages to mutter pleas for forgiveness for disturbing your great slumber, blah blah blah.
    It considers long and hard. Clearly, it has been warned to be careful whenever making a wish, but greed clouds its judgment.
    "I wish... I wish I had the strength and sorcererous power to become a thousand times more powerful than Master DuMerde!"
    Searching its memory, you find that it is thinking about a member of this species' aristocricy, some two bit sorcerer who has fooled himself into thinking that he is any less insignificant than anything else on this pebble.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)01:52 No.5460207
    Make Master DuMerde a thousand times weaker than this supplicant bastard.

    Next wish.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)01:52 No.5460212
    Yeah sure. Grant it to him. Give him a million times that power. Give him the ability to control that shit perfectly too and to not go insane. Why not, huh? It'll be fun to see how he fucks it up.

    "Two more wishes. You have very little time. Go."
    >> Vector !NEy29ODpvs 08/15/09(Sat)01:53 No.5460213
    rolled 1 = 1

    I think this is a good time to drive him insane with knowledge.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)01:53 No.5460216
    Grant his wish, but make it so that every time he casts a spell he dies slightly.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)01:53 No.5460217
    Easy. Increase his power level by doubling it. Decrease Master DuMerde's power level by dividing it by 50. Done.
    >> Azazoth 08/15/09(Sat)01:53 No.5460219
    As the supplicant speaks his first wish, asking that you elevate him far above the leader of his cult, you absent-mindedly begin redecorating the summoning chamber in a cyclopeanly pimpish fashion.
    The fact that you are able to act beyond the limits of the pentagram should be a dead giveaway that the runes are useless, but the supplicant appears too distracted to notice.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)01:56 No.5460232
    Kill the leader of the cult, surely his is more powerful than a dead man.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)01:56 No.5460233
    "GRANTED." Polymorph him into a shoggoth.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)01:57 No.5460239
    Ask him what he hopes to do with this power.

    Just because we're an unfathomable cosmic horror doesn't mean we can't appreciate the consequences of our actions.
    >> Azazoth 08/15/09(Sat)01:58 No.5460250
    >Easy. Increase his power level by doubling it. Decrease Master DuMerde's power level by dividing it by 50. Done.
    The supplicant clutches his forehead as eldritch lore flows into it. He doesn't seem to realize that it isn't nearly so much as he asked for.
    "Thank you, great Lord of all things fly and pimpin'!" He deliberates for a while on the terms of his second wish. He briefly considers attempting to help his species in general, but greed wins out.

    "I wish for boundless wealth, glory, and fame!"
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)01:59 No.5460257
    Transform him into the words richest, most ugly, fattest man.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)01:59 No.5460264
    Punish him for his avarice. How dare he waste our time with peurile materialism?

    Give him a chance to try again though...if he can provide a good reason for his next choice.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:00 No.5460270
    Give it to him. What do we care? When all this is over we'll turn him into our bitch. That'll get him wealth and glory alright.
    >> Azazoth 08/15/09(Sat)02:01 No.5460276
    (Damn, sorry I missed that. Oh, what the hell.)
    You set into motion a slow transformation.

    As the supplicant begins speaking his second wish, the edges of his mortal form begin to blur, and his words begin to devolve into gibbering even more incomprehensible than before.
    Of course, being an Eldritch Abomination, you are perfectly able to comprehend them.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:02 No.5460284

    Decrease his power to nothing. Decrease the leader of the cult's power to nothing. 1000 times zero is zero. There you go.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:04 No.5460302
    Do nothing. Claim we've granted his wish
    >> Azazoth 08/15/09(Sat)02:04 No.5460303
    >Transform him into the world's richest, ugliest, fattest man.
    As he is now gradually becoming a shoggoth, the second and third terms may already be entirely dealt with. You accelerate the change.
    Most of his body is now entirely invisible in the puny 3+1 dimensional space which his species observes. Only you are current able to see its chaotic rolling extent. You are proud of your handywork.

    As an afterthought, you transform the remainder of his house into solid platinum.

    His third wish, in the gibbering of a shoggoth, amounts to "FEED ME".
    >> Shas'o R'myr !!TZikiEEr0tg 08/15/09(Sat)02:05 No.5460309

    Give him a donut.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:05 No.5460314
    Feed him himself, until he blinks out of existence.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:07 No.5460333
    Feed him the full extent of the knowledge of what he's become.

    Then turn him into a streetwalker of his species. and promise that if he does good he can have all the meat he wants...

    We are the lord of all pimp afterall.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:08 No.5460338

    No, no!

    An EVIL donut.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:08 No.5460340
    Made from pure explodium.

    But not before we deliberately redraw the chalk summoning circle into an artistic yet pimpin' pattern, to demonstrate just how useless it is.
    >> Belisarius 08/15/09(Sat)02:08 No.5460342
    dougnut sounds good.
    Add arsenic for flavor.

    Discard the oaf and move on to more important matters.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:12 No.5460372
    Give him a small mechanical device which produces the most valuable substance known:

    >> Azazoth 08/15/09(Sat)02:13 No.5460382
         File1250316799.jpg-(25 KB, 200x335, 200px-Barloweoldone.jpg)
    25 KB
    >Feed him the full extent of the knowledge of what he's become.

    Libraries worth of indescribable information are poured into the shoggoth's mind. It quickly becomes aware of the strengths and limitations of its form.
    Last Tuesday- billions of years ago, from this world's perspective- another race ruled. The scholars of this planet simply call them the "Elder Things", and you are as far above them as they are above this world's current inhabitants.
    They created shoggoths, they enslaved them, and they were eventually consumed by them.

    The tiny fragment of the shoggoth's mind that is still human also becomes aware of this fact. It screams. Or at least it would, if it was not already screaming.

    >Evil donut made from pure explodium.
    It is done.

    > But not before we deliberately redraw the chalk summoning circle into an artistic yet pimpin' pattern, to demonstrate just how useless it is.
    It is done.

    As a pseudopod reaches forth to consume the EXPLODIUM DONUT, it... reacts predictably. The house- and every building for forty blocks in every direction- is no more.
    The shoggoth is scattered to the four winds. It is not destroyed, but it will take time to reform unaided.
    You are completely unharmed.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:14 No.5460394
    Lets go get us some bitches.

    We'll do this undercover. Nyarlethotep style. Just a stranger from a strange land. Not a cosmic being at all.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:15 No.5460399
    Take a stroll to adjust to your temporary residence.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:15 No.5460403
    Let's go for a walk.

    Is the moon out?
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:19 No.5460430
    Rebuild the surrounding buildings. Except rearrange them, and the roads, and the utilities and whatnot, to make an enormous 3-D sigil that helps increase our power and our Pimpitude, and rebuild Pathetic Cultist's house into something befitting our splendor and style.

    I mean, we don't need it, but when in a fleshbag body one may as well enjoy the fleshbag pleasures.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:19 No.5460434
         File1250317160.jpg-(32 KB, 300x300, thulsa-doom.jpg)
    32 KB
    I know who you need to call.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:19 No.5460440

    Give Nyarly a holler, ask him if he's up for an epic shindig some time in the next decade or five.
    >> Azazoth 08/15/09(Sat)02:20 No.5460447
    >Get bitches. Undercover.
    Your DREAMLAND PIMP CLOTHES were destroyed in the explosion. With but a thought, new ones form around you. A quick jaunt through a sideways dimension, and you are standing at the edge of the CRATER rather than floating above it.

    >Take a stroll to adjust to your temporary residence.
    You standing at the edge of a crater. The thoughts of thousands of panicked humans are easily audiable.
    You see a street, lined with houses- the windows shattered by the shockwave of the explosion- and trees- their leaves blown off by same.
    Reaching your mind out a little farther, you hear the thoughts of millions of humans, and billions of only-slightly-lesser beings- rats and such- centered in a settlement a few miles to the north.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:21 No.5460456

    Contact our "cult" in this place, if it is even worth the term. Find out what they have been doing to further our power and grandeur. Punish and reward accordingly.
    >> Azazoth 08/15/09(Sat)02:21 No.5460463
    The surroundings are rebuild, from the dust that remains after the explosion, and from dust pulled from far beyond this world.
    If a couple of formerly parallel streets happen to intersect now... while still remaining completely parallel... well, that's just artistic license.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:23 No.5460474
    Is there a complete lack of right angles?
    >> Vector !NEy29ODpvs 08/15/09(Sat)02:24 No.5460485
    rolled 7 = 7

    Give a few minor things shapes that drive people insane.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:25 No.5460491
    Angles are wrong, stars are right, etc.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:26 No.5460500
    Find some deep ones, make them worship you.
    >> Azazoth 08/15/09(Sat)02:27 No.5460507
         File1250317665.jpg-(50 KB, 519x500, GibbousMoon.jpg)
    50 KB
    >Is the moon out?
    The moon is waxing and gibbous. See pic.

    >Give Nyarly a holler, ask him if he's up for an epic shindig some time in the next decade or five.
    You get the eldritch equivalent of a busy signal. Apparently, he's on the phone with Cthulhu.

    >Contact our "cult" in this place, if it is even worth the term. Find out what they have been doing to further our power and grandeur. Punish and reward accordingly.

    It appears that your cult in the city of "Toronto" was lead by an Alexander DuMerde, who only minutes ago simultaneously suffered a mysterious heart attack, brain aneurysm, and ninety years of aging.
    Your cults practice temple prostitution, in honour of the FATHER OF ALL PIMPS. Most pimps in the city are pawns of Du Merde. Those that are not are frequently murdered.

    However, the actual "chanting and sacrificing" rituals in your honour appear to have been poorly conducted- mispronounciations and bad grammar everywhere.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:28 No.5460511
    But according to our whims, not their concepts of success. I mean, we aren't here for an epic plot or shit. We're basically just a Cosmic Horror who decided to vacation on Earth this millenium. Trying to get in before the crowds ruin it, so to speak.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:29 No.5460516
    Aquire bitches.
    Start pimping.
    >> Azazoth 08/15/09(Sat)02:30 No.5460524
    There is a complete lack of right angles in the rebuilt section of the city, and many random objects are twisted into insanity-inducing shapes. As an afterthought, you place a flamboyant feathered cap on top of the stone-but-yet-not-stone spire at the centre of the region. Classy.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:30 No.5460525

    Possess a prostitute and go find the second in command.
    >> Vector !NEy29ODpvs 08/15/09(Sat)02:33 No.5460547
    rolled 13 = 13

    Go to that large mass of people and see what's going on.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:33 No.5460550
    Well, just rearrange the speech centers of our cultists so they can get the pronunciations right. Besides, tongue alterations for some of our ladies will make the johns happy. And for the couple of guys in the stable, they'll make the janes VERY happy.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:35 No.5460560
    Lets give everyone in the city the reproductive organs of both genders and the secondary sexual characteristics of the females. It'll just be good for buisness.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:35 No.5460564
    While we wait why not enjoy some local specialties. I hear the single mom tastes great this time of year.
    >> Azazoth 08/15/09(Sat)02:38 No.5460587
    Across the city, a 22 year old blonde hooker's consciousness is rudely shoved aside to make room for your magnificence. (Unless you specify otherwise, I'll assume she's aware of everything she's doing, but unable to influence it at all. Expect massive SAN loss)
    The few veneral diseases she bore are instantly cured, to be replaced with far subtler ones at your whim.
    You hail a taxi, and begin making your way to the penthouse of the cult's second in command.

    >Rearrange the bodies of cultists.
    It is no great task for you to identify forty or so inner cultists in this city, about a five hundred pimps who may or may not be vaguely aware of your existence, and about three thousand prostitutes, 82% of which are female.
    They are hastily modified. No anaesthetic.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:40 No.5460610
    Well, now the second in command knows something is abound in town.

    Go meet him. Or her.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:41 No.5460614

    I don't remember having a need for her sanity.

    Influence the driver so he goes as fast as possible. If he kills something, no big deal.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:41 No.5460618
    Lets make sure whoever sees us in this form will be consumed with an unsatiable lust. Male, Female, Child, Elder, Animal, Sentient. They shall all be overwhelmed with the need to screw whatever or whoever is closest at hand.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:42 No.5460625

    Well, I hear that if you want to eat out there's some excellent Chinese to be had in Toronto.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:42 No.5460632
    Oooh, after we are done with the cultist, let us leave a souvenir. Something along the lines of the Hand of Vecna, but the Cock of Ted instead.
    >> Azazoth 08/15/09(Sat)02:43 No.5460638
    (You maintain the "Little girl in pimp clothes" manifestation near the site at which you were originally summoned. Controlling two bodies at once is no challenge to a consciousness as vast as yours.)

    The cabbie nods in mute acceptance, and accelerates to over 140 miles per hour. Over city streets that, even at 3 am, are crowed. You shift the car slightly out of phase with reality, so that it is not grievously harmed in the inevitable collisions. The other vehicles are not so lucky.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:45 No.5460647

    Ask Shub-Niggurath to bestow our host but a tiny fraction of her horrible fecundity.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:45 No.5460649
    Transform taxi into suitable pimpmobile.
    I'm thinking gold Impala with red interior.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:46 No.5460662
    Stick our head out through the sunroof, put our arms to the sides, and enjoy the cool nighttime breeze.

    If the taxi didn't have a sunroof before, it does now. A really nice one, that literally disappears at the touch of a button.

    We'll remake this taxi into the most bitchin' taxi in all of Toronto! The price is that for some reason every station and any CD inserted into it plays funk, soul, bebop, and other such tunes. But it plays the good stuff.
    >> Azazoth 08/15/09(Sat)02:48 No.5460672
    (Just your manifestation, or also the possessed prostitute?)

    The taxi soon arrives outside a large apartment building. Driven on by your command to get there "as fast as possible", the cabbie drives right through the front doors, breaking wood, glass, steel and concrete in the process.
    The taxi finally stops, wedged between the doors of an elevator.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:49 No.5460680

    Every cassette tape left in the cab for more than a fortnight becomes a Best of Queen album.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:50 No.5460686

    Still gotta transform the cab, so do that and send it on its merry way outside.

    Can we pour up the elevator shaft to the appropriate floor?
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:51 No.5460691
    While the prostitute is taking care of "business" we go as the manifestation to somewhere were we can grab a bite to eat.
    >> Azazoth 08/15/09(Sat)02:52 No.5460694
    The taxi is now BITCHIN' to an extent that MAN WAS NEVER MEANT TO WITNESS. It's still wedged between the doors of a hotel elevator, but there's not a scratch on it.

    Shubb-Niggurath would be happy to oblige. You suddenly feel as if your host is far, far more fecund. Just how this affects her fertility has yet to be determinded.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:52 No.5460698
    My suggestion was far more 70s Pimp in its essence. That's something that happens to pathetic demons. We don't care about them, except in so far as they add a little bit of extra spice to the standard crunch of angelic flesh.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:54 No.5460710
    Have the taxi driver and the prostitute console each other. Our personal manifestation (the little girl) is brought over here and we walk up to the penthouse. Via the elevator shaft. And through the floor.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:55 No.5460715
    Announce your presence there to be noticed by the people in charge, stand in awesome way along with the car
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:55 No.5460720
    >Just how this affects her fertility has yet to be determinded.

    I love surprises.

    Continue up the elevator, but stay focused. Sure, these pathetic ants can do nothing to harm or even inconvenience us, but abominations from beyond reality should always be careful of details.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:56 No.5460724
    Both. Wherever our conciousness is.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:56 No.5460726
    Isn't that what the least amusing cultists are for?
    >> Azazoth 08/15/09(Sat)02:56 No.5460727
    You pour up the elevator shaft, through the cracks in the highest door, and emerge in a lavishly furnished penthouse. Your host does NOT seem to appreciate this.

    All humans within the blast radius of the EXPLODIUM DONUT have been reduced to their constituent atoms. You venture out into the suburbs. There are few out- it's three am- but those who see you quickly devolve mentally into something like unto /d/.
    Several houses seem to contain suitably tasty "single mothers", but it's a few minutes before you find one that is Chinese, as you crave.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)02:59 No.5460739
    We leave her sweaty, satisfied, a little hoarse from screaming our true name, and fully converted to our glory.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)03:01 No.5460753
    We should make all nonsuitable single mothers attempt to pimp themselves out to their children
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)03:02 No.5460760

    Take human form again and show him the prostitute's vagina.

    Then speak through it and ask him what his life is worth.
    >> Azazoth 08/15/09(Sat)03:02 No.5460762
    The cult's second in command is a man in his late 30's. He sits in a hot tub, flanked by a pair of prostitutes. A fair amount of phlegm has been coughed into the water during your modifications of them.
    As they notice your host walk in, both prostitutes are immediately overcome by your AURA OF LUST. The cult leader, however, is strong willed enough to glorify your name, and offer you (now correctly pronounced) praise.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)03:03 No.5460766
    Are either of the chinese?
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)03:04 No.5460771

    Only if the results are hot, though. In general, we much prefer attractive incest.

    When the incest would be unattractive, we just encourage the mothers to pimp themselves out. Their children are optional, but a pleasant bonus.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)03:04 No.5460772
    inform everyone you are indeed "the new don"
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)03:05 No.5460782

    I like this. Allow her to become one of our honored disciples on the condition that she join us in eating her offspring.
    >> Azazoth 08/15/09(Sat)03:08 No.5460791
    The cult leader is too overcome by the aura to answer intelligibly. A quick scan of his mind reveals that he is devoted and eager to serve you, but, at heart, is a coward, afraid of death or true madness.

    (Yes, the prostitute on the left is Chinese)

    (How do you intend to do this? Appear simultaniously in the dreams of every single mother in the city? Sleepwalking? Go door to door and demand worship?)
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)03:08 No.5460800
    No, no, eating her offspring OUT.

    That last word conveys a subtle but rather important distinction in our modus operandi.

    I mean, sure, we'll just flat out eat people too. But only the people that aren't interesting to us. The ones that are, we play with.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)03:09 No.5460807

    Show the cult leader exactly what death is like.
    >> Azazoth 08/15/09(Sat)03:10 No.5460816
    "Yes, O Glorious Ted." She is powerless to resist. As she obeys, however, tears stream down her cheeks.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)03:12 No.5460830
    Give him diet madness instead, then.

    It's pretty much exactly like true madness, except for fewer mental calories. And a slightly higher chance of unpleasant mutagenic side effects down the road.

    As for death, make sure he knows that he's not going to die while we're here. Make sure he doesn't know that once we leave, or ceases to amuse us, we don't really give two shits about him.
    >> Azazoth 08/15/09(Sat)03:13 No.5460836
    You amend your command, but not before she has woken up her thirteen year old daughter. By biting her ear off.

    You do.
    He takes it surprisingly well, but still shivers in terror.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)03:17 No.5460866

    ...well played, sir.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)03:17 No.5460870
    We lick the ear back on, and make it a better ear. It can pick up radio now! And also lets us speak directly into her daughter's mind in our own language, but what she doesn't know won't hurt her.
    >> Azazoth 08/15/09(Sat)03:21 No.5460896
    The daughter's ear is repaired. She looks extremely surprised at first, but is quickly overcome by your AURA OF LUST.

    The cult leader, overcome with La Petite Mort and your Diet Madness, grovels at your feet.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)03:24 No.5460926
    We simply enter their minds and change things. Shouldnt be too hard. A form of madness, nothing more.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)03:26 No.5460942
    But is it the most fun way to do things?

    I think that going house to house like a sort of Pimp Santa would give us much more enjoyment.
    >> Azazoth 08/15/09(Sat)03:27 No.5460943
    My apologies, Ted, but I must soon return to my mad dreaming. See what you can get done in the next twenty minutes.

    You reach across the city, altering suitable minds at random.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)03:28 No.5460951
    Have the cult leader explain what he is doing to further your influence, why he has failed to meet even 1% of your expectations, and why you shouldn't eliminate him from all of time and space.
    >> Azazoth 08/15/09(Sat)03:30 No.5460969
    >I think that going house to house like a sort of Pimp Santa would give us much more enjoyment.
    You manifest a JOLLY OLD MAN, with a BITCHIN RED FUR ROBE, a RED POINTY HAT holding a PIMPIN' FEATHER, a PIMP CANE covered in SQUAMOUS MISTLETOE, and emmanating your AURA OF LUST.

    Your other two manifestations continue as before.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)03:31 No.5460972
    Fuck that. Eliminate him from existane. Then, once he knows what its like. Bring him back. Then ask why he has failed us.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)03:32 No.5460979

    In that case, when are you likely to summon us again?
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)03:33 No.5460983
    He's in it for the ho ho hos.
    >> Azazoth 08/15/09(Sat)03:33 No.5460986
    He begs and pleads, trying to explain that he wasn't entirely sure just what your expectations actually WERE- y'nknow, unguessable incomprehensibility and all that- and just generally grovels.

    You cast him beyond space and time, count to twenty, then draw him back. From his point of view, twenty trillion years have passed. He is not happy.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)03:37 No.5461003
    Failure to comprehend The Pimp of Entropy is no excuse.

    Inform him of his duties. As compensation for twenty trillion years of utter madness, tell him the secret of making ice cream that doesn't melt.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)03:38 No.5461016
    No. Ice cream that melts in your mouth, but not in your hand. Or spoon. And that always maintains the right texture, instead of having the water eventually start to crystallize out of it.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)03:39 No.5461021
    reduce this blubbering waste to atoms
    search for a suitable being on this planet, nay, this system, who may behold our might and do our bidding
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)03:40 No.5461034
    we need to gather the gods together and ask them whats up, what they feel like doing.. maybe have some fights with them?
    take over/destroy the universe and exist in void?
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)03:40 No.5461038
    it is orgasm flavored.
    >> Azazoth 08/15/09(Sat)03:42 No.5461052
    I'll likely be back in about 68 hours- that is to say, monday night- but I'm not feeling all that reliable.

    You restore enough of his sanity to comprehend his duties and the Secret of Exalted Ice Cream, but whatever personality he once had has been gone for at least 19.9 tera-anna.
    Shakily, he nods.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)03:43 No.5461066
    So there's probably chocolate involved. A bit of cinnamon, a dash of pineapple, a hint of durian for some muskiness...
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)03:44 No.5461074
    Impregnate the prostitute host with whatever eldritch sperm-analog Ted possesses.
    >> Azazoth 08/15/09(Sat)03:49 No.5461115
    It is done. Thanks to her IMPROVED FECUNDITY, she is now pregnant with not one, but thousands of PIMPSPAWN.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)03:51 No.5461134
    adjust her body to be able to handle that. That means thousands of milk heavy breasts that ooze pure pimpmilk.
    >> Azazoth 08/15/09(Sat)03:58 No.5461193
    It is done. You hear what is left of her consciousness scream. The two prostitutes in attendance also scream, this time audiably.

    You sense several puny humans being reassembled from the dust of the area devestated by your EXPLODIUM DONUT. This feels like Nyharlehotep's work.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)03:58 No.5461195
         File1250323126.jpg-(506 KB, 1015x602, Demons.jpg)
    506 KB

    The spawn should appear thus
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)04:00 No.5461207
    Make sure she doesn't utterly lose her mind. It's funnier when she is forced to acknowledge the true horror of her existence.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)04:01 No.5461212
    Man, are we gonna wind up in a rockoff against Nyarly again? Goddamn, how many times we got to be explaining to that punk that the egyptian sound just dont fly no more. Go investigate.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)04:04 No.5461233

    >BITCHIN' in a way Man was never meant to comprehend

    I lol'ed.
    >> Azazoth 08/15/09(Sat)04:13 No.5461289
    Unless you manifest something else, your SANTAPIMP form, being the closest, will investigate.

    Some fragment of her self awareness will be preserved.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)04:14 No.5461306
    Look at the two screaming whores. "Bitches, follow."

    Go see what 'Lathotep is up too.
    >> Azazoth 08/15/09(Sat)04:23 No.5461343
    And with that, I must return to the mad sleep of a blind idiot god. See you in the Timeless Aeons. Or Monday. Whatever comes first.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)04:26 No.5461366
    We need a procession of naked men with red capes and women on their cocks, legs wrapped around the men's waists.
    They gush a mixture of the appropriate fluids from their genitalia, and they shall follow behind each of our manifestations.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)04:27 No.5461368
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)04:27 No.5461372
    Qwhf'klghn trglnf-gfh. But you may call me Qwhf.
    >> Anonymous 08/15/09(Sat)04:30 No.5461391

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