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  • File :1244688647.jpg-(18 KB, 293x208, davidthegnome.jpg)
    18 KB Here's the Game Anonymous 06/10/09(Wed)22:50 No.4838081  
    You play as a Gnome. You are 4 inches tall and freak strong for your size. You eat whatever you can find or kill and wear clothes made of old leaves and squirrel hide. You probably have a knife made of stone or bone, but if you are really lucky you might be able to get your hands on some metal left behind by a human camper.

    You live with other Gnomes inside of a hollowed out tree stump or a hill or some shit. Who cares.
    >> Anonymous 06/10/09(Wed)22:52 No.4838093
    Except for the metal and humans, sounds like Mouse Guard
    >> Anonymous 06/10/09(Wed)22:52 No.4838101
    I consult the little black box for advice on how to lead my people to the stars.
    >> Anonymous 06/10/09(Wed)22:56 No.4838126
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    Well its not. You don't talk to mice, you raise them for slaughter. They are practically the only thing that you don't have to wrestle to death to eat in this godforsaken forest.

    >> Anonymous 06/10/09(Wed)23:04 No.4838185
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    The gnomish secret to invisibility is actually not as magical as first believed.
    >> Anonymous 06/10/09(Wed)23:10 No.4838227
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    >> Anonymous 06/10/09(Wed)23:10 No.4838229
    I take levels in Shadow Dancer and become El Duende
    >> GURPSfag 06/10/09(Wed)23:11 No.4838234
    Fuck yes.

    I hide in someone big person's bag. When they reach in, I put them in a finger lock and hold their hand hostage while my buddies pick him clean of valuables.
    >> Anonymous 06/10/09(Wed)23:14 No.4838240

    You find a mysterious metal box the size of a mans (gnomes) torso. When your friend pries it open his beard is burned off by a gout of flame!
    >> Anonymous 06/10/09(Wed)23:16 No.4838259
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    Fuck these things!
    >> Anonymous 06/10/09(Wed)23:16 No.4838260
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    >> Anonymous 06/10/09(Wed)23:20 No.4838291
    Ahh, that vid was so goddamn obviously fake, but still funny.
    >> Anonymous 06/10/09(Wed)23:23 No.4838307

    Stealth is a vital skill for a gnome considering that most of the predators in the woods take shits bigger than you are.

    Learn to hide in the leaves and the mud, learn to move without making a rustle. Learn to track your prey by moonlight & kill with stealth and cunning and maybe, just maybe, you'll live to see the ripe old age of 15.
    >> GURPSfag 06/10/09(Wed)23:25 No.4838317

    We grow him a replacement beard made of vines.

    I try to tame myself a riding raccoon.
    >> Anonymous 06/10/09(Wed)23:25 No.4838321
    i love this thread
    >> Anonymous 06/10/09(Wed)23:27 No.4838338
    Then the clever humans blow a dog whistle and you freeze up

    A billion bonus points to whoever knows what I'm talking about. Think nostalgia
    >> Anonymous 06/10/09(Wed)23:28 No.4838345
    Huzzah! lighter flamethrowers for all.
    >> GURPSfag 06/10/09(Wed)23:29 No.4838350

    Oh god, the concrete river.

    >> Anonymous 06/10/09(Wed)23:31 No.4838364

    Find another camper and light their tent on fire.

    Once their dead, we can pick over their belongings at our leisure!
    >> Anonymous 06/10/09(Wed)23:32 No.4838368

    Oho, think you're ready to play with the big boys do you? Think that you can tame one of the most vicious and cunning predators as a fucking pet? This isn't like a man trying to tame a tiger, this is like a man trying to tame a tyrannosaur. You are a Gnome boyo, so you better get used to being somewhere near the bottom of the fucking food chain.
    >> Anonymous 06/10/09(Wed)23:35 No.4838395
    Take an apple, carve out a seat, attach acorns (I'm a fucking gnome I can do whatever I want) and get two squirrels to pull that shit.

    Yeah, I'm riding a makeshift chariot. You got a problem with it? Talk to my fists asshole.
    >> Anonymous 06/10/09(Wed)23:37 No.4838416

    Good plan, better make sure to tie them down first so they can't escape. You go first.
    >> Anonymous 06/10/09(Wed)23:37 No.4838418
    Your fist has an asshole? Gnomes fucking rule.
    >> Anonymous 06/10/09(Wed)23:41 No.4838434

    Now you're getting it. Gnomes are surly. Gnomes are the meanest sons-of-bitches on earth. Anything a Dorf can do a Gnome can do harder. Because all the weak little friendly shits got eaten by hawks long before they had their first litter.
    >> Anonymous 06/10/09(Wed)23:44 No.4838451
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    Can you imagine trying to make it across the lake in your bark canoe & have this thing just rise up out of the water like the fucking wrath of God?
    >> Anonymous 06/10/09(Wed)23:44 No.4838452
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    If you're going to play a 4 inch forest dwelling humanoid, you should choose a better inspiration.
    >> Anonymous 06/10/09(Wed)23:48 No.4838468
    Hmm... How big would my penis be?
    >> Anonymous 06/10/09(Wed)23:50 No.4838487

    You're a gnome, so somewhere between 1/4 to 1/3 of an inch.
    >> GURPSfag 06/10/09(Wed)23:51 No.4838501

    I can fucking do it, bitch. If that raccoon gives me shit I'll rip its damn ears off. I'll fuck that damn raccoon in the eye with my tiny gnome dick if it tries to eat me.

    Even if I lose a couple arms and legs, it'll totally be worth it.
    >> Anonymous 06/10/09(Wed)23:52 No.4838504

    seriously fake or not the way that thing moves is freaky as hell.
    >> Anonymous 06/10/09(Wed)23:53 No.4838519

    Fuck that. Your life at 4 inches high is a survival-horror, not a goddamn porno. Every day is narrow escapes from things that want to eat you & the constant struggle to find things that you can eat.
    >> Anonymous 06/10/09(Wed)23:56 No.4838537

    Hey everyone, look at the pebbles on this guy here. Thinks he's David Motherfucking Foxriders reincarnation.

    Give it a shot tough guy. You'll probably have to get it while its still young enough to imprint on you & good luck getting a cub from a raccoons den and leaving alive. I'll be banging your wife on your own pile of moss after you die trying.
    >> Anonymous 06/10/09(Wed)23:56 No.4838541
    So, 1/16th of my height? I'll pass, I don't settle for less than 1/12th.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)00:02 No.4838586
         File :1244692921.jpg-(65 KB, 738x740, awesome WAT.jpg)
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    >this thread
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)00:06 No.4838615

    Fuckin' least he's trying numbnuts, when's the last time you fucking did anything? Cocking pussy shitlicker, you don't have anything better to do in your day than comb your fucking beard and play your pan-pipes.

    Oh BAAAW, BAAAW, here comes the bullshit about your fucking pipes. Yeah I know all the stories about leading curious humans to wander through the forests until they stumbled into the fey lands or just fucking die of hunger. Big shit. Fucking humans aren't curious about shit anymore. They hear your goddamn piping and they pull out their plastic thingamajigs and put wires in their ears and turn on their own fucking music that sounds like a fucking animal growling.

    Yeah, you try and get with his wife, as if you fucking could, like you could get with gnome woman you dumbshit fucking cuntwanker, when was the last time you came running back with a dead squirrel outrunning some fucking badger? You couldn't seduce a fucking elf.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)00:06 No.4838616
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    >> GURPSfag 06/11/09(Thu)00:10 No.4838651
    And when I come back riding a raccoon I'll be impregnating every woman in the village. I will lead our armies towards the kobold villages and split their tiny bodies with my warbeast. The humans will then have no one to show them how to make shoes or chop up firewood and will die. In the generations to come our ancestors will sing songs of the power-hungry berserk gnome ballsy enough to beat a raccoon into servitude and commit genocide on the other tiny bastards. My legend will live on forever in our people's stories.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)00:14 No.4838686

    Due to the small size of Gnomes relative to their environment and the various predators that love the taste of gnomeflesh, the Gnomes religion does not revolve so much around worshiping the gods as blaming them. The chief priest of the tribe leads his fellows in cursing the various gods during religious ceremonies for the gnomes lot in life.

    Notable deitys in the Gnome pantheon include Vund; god of Making Animals Too Fucking Big, Niralla; that Bitch Who Makes it Cold Every Goddamn Year & Hronthar; that Asshole who makes Poison Mushrooms grow.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)00:15 No.4838697
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    I was with you on the raccoon bit, but now you have delusions of grandeur, you fool. Don't endanger the stump with your madness! There's a difference between ambition and plumb fucking tomfoolery!
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)00:18 No.4838720
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    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)00:19 No.4838725

    I know. What fucking army? There's like, 30 of us here if you count the children and most of those little fucks still aren't even the size of a goddamn cricket.

    Did you forget about the fucking flood that wiped out half the population last winter? Or the time 4 years ago when that goddamn bear broke through the stump during the annual Thank Fuck Winter's Over festival?
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)00:24 No.4838778

    Goddamn I love that picture.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)00:26 No.4838796

    Ahh the annual Thank Fuck winter is over festival.... Only matched by the Where the Fuck is the Water Summer celebrations...
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)00:29 No.4838833

    Carving the traditional roast frog and drinking bitter bitter acorn coffee. Unwrapping your present and never knowing if its a Rock or a Stick or maybe a Slightly Bigger Rock. The traditional dominance battle to decide which male leads the family. Good times.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)00:33 No.4838871

    I guess my family was a little better off one year... I got a rock and a stick...

    ... wait... wheres my little brother?
    >> FAIRY MEAT !!nNFmUJfgbw+ 06/11/09(Thu)00:34 No.4838876

    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)00:34 No.4838883
    Hey uh...what ever happened to David? Wasn't he fucking around in the woods or something? I'll sit in the tree eating my foraged berries thank you very much
    >> FAIRY MEAT !!nNFmUJfgbw+ 06/11/09(Thu)00:34 No.4838884
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    seriously though. thread hijack.

    this thread is now about awesome wargames that aren't WH40K
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)00:37 No.4838918
    Sucks to be you then, I got a fucking turnip last year!
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)00:38 No.4838924

    Fuck off back to fairyland.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)00:39 No.4838928
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    Make your own thread, you bally misfit!

    We gnomes will defend our own. For the fucking stump!
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)00:42 No.4838967

    I'll give my life for the honor of the stump. Someones life anyway. Maybe.

    Least we're better than those fucks who live under the hill. Fucking nancy bastards.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)00:44 No.4838996
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    We heard that you cocksucker.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)00:44 No.4839000
    I mean, technically it was for the whole family, had to split it between the four of us (would've been five, but my fucking bro got himself impaled on a porcupine), but still, a fucking turnip!
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)00:45 No.4839008
    Hey FUCK YOU! My mom is from Under the Hill!
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)00:45 No.4839014
    Well, it's fucking true! My cousin married into the fucking stump, and look what it got her! You lot pranced around going "tralala" while fucking mole rats devoured half your creche!

    You're a disgrace to gnomekind, excepting my cousin, beg your pardon, ma'am!
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)00:46 No.4839023
    (I meant "hill" there. HILL. FUCK.)
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)00:47 No.4839031

    Your mom is from under every gnome who gives her a fucking shiny rock. She's like the pond near the stump -- everyone's had a dip in.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)00:47 No.4839033
    this looks archiveable
    >> Unholy Clown Ninja Maid Anonymous, tl;dr Xom's Champion !!0aKrfPDoCW4 06/11/09(Thu)00:47 No.4839035
         File :1244695675.jpg-(24 KB, 350x471, Gnome.jpg)
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    I don't have the gnome expansion though.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)00:49 No.4839050
    The legends tell tales of a land far beyond the reach of stubby gnome legs, where the only way to travel the great distances is upon the metal titans the man-beasts dominate. This land is the land where the giants reside, an endless source of treasure and riches...but no gnome brave enough has ever returned from this adventure. Some say they get lost on the return trip, some say they starve or are caught by some insatiable forest monster...but we know the truth.

    The bodies are used to decorate the homes of man. It is a warning. Gnomes have a place and it is not in paradise.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)00:49 No.4839051

    It was a coming of age ritual you DICK.

    Who was the one FROM THE STUMP that decided it was a good idea to try and tame MOTHER FUCKING MOLE RATS for riding? Huh?! HUH!?
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)00:52 No.4839069

    Me Pa said that he once traveled to a place Outside the treeline as he chased a wounded possum. He said there was this huge plain that stretched far as the eye could see, and there were endless rows of turnip stalks along the plain.

    They called him mad when he returned to the stump with the tale & he vowed to return with proof. That was near 2 summers ago.

    Fucking pussy.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)00:53 No.4839077
    Well, at least we stumpers fucking ASPIRE to BETTER OUR CIVILIZATION.

    Three words, assholes: "Tra. La. La."
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)00:54 No.4839086
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)00:56 No.4839114

    You'll be regretting that when I sink my possum tooth dagger into your fucking eye boyo.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)00:57 No.4839119
    Fuck that, I'm finding a nice bush or something till shit blows over.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)00:57 No.4839123
    A plain full of turnips?! If it exists we must find it and claim it for The Stump before those Under the Hill douchebags get there first!
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)00:58 No.4839132
         File :1244696313.jpg-(191 KB, 375x500, porl_gnomes23.jpg)
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    Yeah by messing with the predators in OUR FUCKING part of the world.


    Damn straight son. Its time for Under Hill to throw down.

    Summon the Under Hill Champions!
    >> Unholy Clown Ninja Maid Anonymous, tl;dr Xom's Champion !!0aKrfPDoCW4 06/11/09(Thu)00:58 No.4839133
    There's no reason to fight eachother. Why don't we just join forces and beat those blue skinned pussies at the mushroom patch.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)00:59 No.4839143
    This shit gets fantastic when you start reading all of this in the voices of Denis Leary, Robin Williams, and George Carlin for these posts. Newest voice is Steve Lynch from Beelze for the Under the Hill gnome.

    I'm cracking the fuck up.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:01 No.4839164

    An expedition then! The stump shall claim this Turnip Dimension for its clans.

    May the miserable gods bless you under the hill fuckers if you try anything while we're gone.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:02 No.4839179
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    The Big Ones with the Thunder Rods come!
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:05 No.4839210

    He's got a point boys. Those beardless blue fairies give the rest of us gnomes a bad name. I heard tell that they even befriended some of the Big Ones -- that by itself is a fucking death sentence.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:06 No.4839213
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    Hurry Under Hillians... we must be swift as the roach and as stealthy as the snail if we are to take the stump for our own...
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:07 No.4839220
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    Let us be off, then, to bring our women and children endless turnip-meat and boisterously whispered tales of our Stumpdweller stealth and cunning!
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:08 No.4839231
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    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:09 No.4839240

    I'm jumping in that guy's pocket and getting the fuck out of here. Goodbye, you cuntsniffing assholes! I'm fucking OUT OF HERE.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:09 No.4839241
    Just one question, how the fuck are we going to bring back more than 1 turnip at a time?
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:09 No.4839244
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    When they leave, the stump is ours gentle-gnomes.

    The Stump will be ours.
    >> Unholy Clown Ninja Maid Anonymous, tl;dr Xom's Champion !!0aKrfPDoCW4 06/11/09(Thu)01:10 No.4839253
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    They are so consumed with greed that they no longer care for the laws of gnome kind. They are lost to us.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:11 No.4839259

    Equipment for expedition:

    [ ] Tooth Dagger
    [ ] Flint Spear
    [ ] Squirrelhide Jerkin
    [ ] Ratjerky
    [ ] Pointy Hat
    [ ] Grandfather Clock

    What will you be taking?
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:11 No.4839267
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    BE WEARY! For this land of Turnips has a vigilant, never tiring watcher. The Great Guardian!
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:11 No.4839268

    Hey, I've got an idea.

    Let's make, like a fucking box or something out of twigs and leaves and shit, and like... use some fucking acorns or something. Put stuff under it for it to... move or some bullshit.

    You know what I mean? Like, fucking cut sections out of acorns and shove them onto sticks or something so they can SPIN.

    Then we make Olaf Lacksabrain, son of Pigufcker the Wannabe Raccoon Rider pull it.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:12 No.4839273
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    >> FAIRY MEAT !!nNFmUJfgbw+ 06/11/09(Thu)01:12 No.4839278
    the gnome expansion rules. you kill leprechauns and put them in a blender. you use the resulting "juice" in your steampunk/clockwork engineering in place of water.

    they're fucked up little men.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:13 No.4839281
    We should probably bring some squirrel wagons to help haul the turnips back.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:14 No.4839290


    Godsdammnit I hadn't thought of that.

    Ok lads, new plan -- we attack the Under the Hill clans and then take them for slaves. Then we use the new slaves to haul the turnips for us!
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:14 No.4839296
    Fuck yeah! Willow!
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:15 No.4839306
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    >> The tallest gnome in the world 06/11/09(Thu)01:16 No.4839313
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    Man, y'all niggas gotta shut the fuck up. I'm rollin' with humans now, what the fuck is y'all doin'? Fuckin' fightin' squirrels like some fucking pixie bitches. Y'all ain't even got the wheel or poetry or shit yet, fuck, humans has y'all niggas fuckin' embarrassed. Know those big concrete deserts that separate the forests and are patrolled by big metal dragons? Humans fuckin' built those things. And they ride around on those fucking dragons like they were mice. What was the last thing y'all niggas built? A fuckin' apple cart? Get the fuck out of here. I'll pollute your fucking ecosystem, motherfuckers.

    Pic related, me and my human posse. (We just smoked cigars and ate McDonalds'; shit was SO credit cards.)
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:17 No.4839318
    Unleash the attack squirrels!
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:18 No.4839330
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    Elite Swampstrider Cavalry reporting in. We've even captured some exotic rides from those god damn Rainspire Pixies.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:21 No.4839361
    Fuck DF I want Gnome Hold
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:23 No.4839373
    What language is this?! Who is Mcdonald?
    >> Unholy Clown Ninja Maid blue-skin, tl;dr Xom's Champion !!0aKrfPDoCW4 06/11/09(Thu)01:24 No.4839382
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    Our chance is now, brothers! Our knowledge of the Big Ones' magic will bring us victory!
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:24 No.4839388
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    For the Stump!
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:24 No.4839389
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    Frank the gnome reporting to provide unbiased coverage of the war as it unfolds.

    I've covered wars, you know. Like, before this one. Really.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:24 No.4839390
    >> Plains Gnomes 06/11/09(Thu)01:26 No.4839412
    Brothers, behold, our woodland cous- What... What madness is this?! GNOMES FIGHTING GNOMES?
    >> The tallest gnome in the world 06/11/09(Thu)01:27 No.4839419

    McDonalds' is the fuckin' best nigga, it's food that doesn't have anything from nature in it. How the fuck ya like that?

    And this is the language humans speak, nigga; at least, the big black humans with all the shiny metal and stones all over their clothes that appear on all the human speakin' boxes and their ghostly apparition boxes. I think they're the fuckin' kings of humans or something, shit, I dunno.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:28 No.4839431
    Plains cousins! You've arrived just in time, the Under the Stump clans have proven their treachery, and have attacked us as we were about to embark on a journey to claim the great turnip fields beyond the trees!
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:29 No.4839436
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    Under Hillians.... unleash the gas.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:31 No.4839442
    fuck yeah those two are awesome
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:31 No.4839445

    Under the Stump ain't no freehold I've ever heard of. Do they speak Gnomish Under the Stump?
    >> Unholy Clown Ninja Maid blue-skin, tl;dr Xom's Champion !!0aKrfPDoCW4 06/11/09(Thu)01:31 No.4839450
    What? Did every one of the Stumpgnomes just fart?
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:32 No.4839460
    What foul treachery is this?! Under the Hill, if you have been undermining the Stump...
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:32 No.4839463
    Fuck I meant Under the Hill, one of those swamp cavalry guys dared me to lick their mount and now Im starting to see shit.
    >> Blim the Stump Gnome 06/11/09(Thu)01:33 No.4839468
    Lies and betrayal! It is we who had just embarked upon a quest for turnips when the Underhillian bastards besieged our stump and took our women and children captive!

    Uhhh, tell us, brothers, is it true, in your land, that turnips stretch over the endless plain as far as the eye can see?

    You're bluffing. Beans aren't in season.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:35 No.4839490
    Someone archive this shit!
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:36 No.4839498
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    Our mastery of our bean stockpiles have been a closely guarded secret Stump-kin.

    >> Unholy Clown Ninja Maid blue-skin, tl;dr Xom's Champion !!0aKrfPDoCW4 06/11/09(Thu)01:36 No.4839501
    The mushroom patch archives are no place for ursine feces.

    >> Plains Gnomes 06/11/09(Thu)01:36 No.4839502
    Not just Turnips, my good Gnome, but Potatoes, Carrots and Corn as well!
    We brought these wagons of goods and crop with us to trade, but here we find you at war, WITH FELLOW GNOMES! This is SAVAGERY!
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:38 No.4839519

    Wood Gnomes unite! Take the carts! Kill the men, enslave the women!

    Tonight we dine on corn!
    >> Blim the Stump Gnome 06/11/09(Thu)01:40 No.4839534

    .........trade... for what?

    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:41 No.4839558
         File :1244698916.jpg-(47 KB, 779x622, corm.jpg)
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    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:46 No.4839615
    We could probably trade them clothing and blankets and other crap like that. Sure they have plenty of food but Plains animals are tricky as fuck to hunt so they don't have much in the way of hides.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:46 No.4839618
         File :1244699212.png-(15 KB, 350x316, gnomes.png)
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    Say hello to

    Fredrick The Ratkiller
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:47 No.4839627

    Lost Journal of Dimkin, Gnome of the Stump

    Day 47
    My journey through the Turnip Plain has proven that it is not endless as I had first thought -- and why should it be since the gods are such right bastards that they would never make anything as nice as an endless turnip field. 'Pon finding the edge of the turnip rows I spied a great square mountain as red as blood in the distance, its peaks black as night. Towering shapes of queer proportion and unusual texture are scattered across my field of vision and I cannot help but feel that there was some intelligent force behind the shaping of them. Have I at last found the home of the gods spoken of in legend?

    I hope I get the chance to piss in their drinking water if this be the case.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:50 No.4839651
    I wonder if human technology would drive gnomes mad, just as Old Ones drive humans mad. Just in a different sort of way.

    There's something clearly insane about pissing in the drinking water of something sentient and 18 times your height.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:54 No.4839694

    Lost Journal of Dimkin, Gnome of the Stump

    Day 52

    While foraging for the kernels of grain which seem to scatter randomly before Blood Mountain (as I have taken to calling it), I was nearly slain by a most foul beast. Twice the height of a healthy Stump gnome (and thus three times the height of one of those Under the Hill bastards), it stalked about on two great scaly legs with claws like knives. Even now as I write this curled up in the abandoned gopher hole I have taken for shelter I can still remember its mad red eyes and strange flopping head crest as it jabbed toward me with its beak.

    If such a beast could be ridden the Gnome who controlled it would be invincible in battle, for I witnessed two of the larger ones (possibly the males) engage in a duel with their claws and the blows they dealt would put even David Foxrider to the ground.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:56 No.4839713
    I heard he once killed a ferrert!
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:57 No.4839718
    How does one request an archive for this epic story?
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)01:57 No.4839728

    I think I love you good anon.
    >> Unholy Clown Ninja Maid blue-skin, tl;dr Xom's Champion !!0aKrfPDoCW4 06/11/09(Thu)01:57 No.4839732
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    Clearly, you don't understand the power of the humans and their magics. We worship them and they provide us great gifts in large metal cylinders known as gar baj cans.

    Are we mad to accept such rewards? Come, you will be the sacrifices to our Big One gods!
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)02:03 No.4839784
    I archived this thread, but sadly, did so just before the journal entries started. Hopefully there's some way to update an archived thread.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)02:04 No.4839805
    I saw a Fraggle just the other day. Playing a banjo and singing a happy song about friendship, he was.

    I swear to the gods, one of these days I am going to just fucking kill all of those happy-go-lucky bastards in their cave paradise.
    >> zero 06/11/09(Thu)02:09 No.4839870
         File :1244700582.jpg-(4 KB, 134x169, gnome1.jpg)
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    I can make more.. if anyone likes them/wants to mod DF
    >> Plains Gnomes 06/11/09(Thu)02:12 No.4839909
    BY THE GNOME GODS! Gnomes, fall back, regroup. Get the nails ready!
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)02:12 No.4839910

    Lost Journal of Dimkin, Gnome of the Stump

    Day 60

    Though it has been over two cycles of the moon since I first set out on my journey I feel compelled to stay in this strange land and discover its mysteries. Much as I long to return to the comfort of the Stump and my nagging whore of a wife, I feel that I cannot leave until I have learned all that I can.

    Earlier on this day I found a great silvery mountain taller than any tree and wider than 4 stumps put together. After careful exploration I discovered a tunnel marked with rat spoor and so, keeping my flint blade in hand, I made my way into the heart of the mountain. What I found astonished me...

    Darkness, but in the darkness there was the rich overpowering smell of food! This was the source of the grains and kernels which the Hell-Walkers feasted on each morning. In a fury of gluttony I dropped my dagger and began to gorge myself of rich kernels and seeds till my belly felt ready to burst. This was a mistake.

    The rat struck suddenly and viciously, its blade-teeth tearing into my leg and sending me toppling down the dune of grain which I had been standing on. Wounded, blind & without my weapon I found myself facing a threat that even a healthy and armed Gnome would be hard pressed to defeat.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)02:18 No.4839977
    This is awesome. Please go on.
    >> Fault 06/11/09(Thu)02:18 No.4839980
    what is that image from
    that guy's great man
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)02:22 No.4840022
    David the Gnome, brah.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)02:23 No.4840036
         File :1244701418.jpg-(52 KB, 300x442, __forest_girl___by_yudiari.jpg)
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    Find a human woman in the forest. Worship her as my new god.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)02:25 No.4840057
         File :1244701544.gif-(33 KB, 450x520, don't let friends be gnomes.gif)
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    >You play as a Gnome.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)02:26 No.4840063

    wheres the archive located?
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)02:33 No.4840145

    Little time I had to gather my wits before the beast struck again, its squat fat body barreling toward me as it lunged in for the kill. It was luck that saved me, for the tearing agony in my left thigh set me sprawling on my back at the moment that the beast dived for me, causing it to pass over my head and land harmlessly in the empty grain behind me. Gritting my teeth against the agony of my torn sinews I rolled to my feet and faced my enemy, guided to his direction in the lightless void by its overpowering stench.

    Were I a gnome from Under the Hill or from the Plains I might have quailed at the thought of hand-to-hand battle with the rat, but no gnome born of the stump has ever felt anything but joy at the prospect of furious combat and the rapture of feeling flesh and fur tear beneath his stout fingers. The hairy fuck was about to get it in a bad way.

    When the rat charged again I was ready, and set myself firmly with my weight on my good right leg. The impact of its body nearly sent me on my back once more, but I managed to lock my fingers onto a hunk of fur and wrench its tearing teeth away from my body. Foul spittle drenched my beard as the creature sought to devour my face, but as its claws shredded my squirrelhide tunic and scored my flesh I felt a battle fury build within me. Drawing back my fist I rammed my arm fully up to the elbow down the creatures throat, cutting off its air supply. The rats struggles grew more frenzied as it fought for its very life, but I held it fast to my chest with my free hand and gradually it began to weaken. When it had ceased to move for a full minute I withdrew my bloodied arm from the creatures ruptured windpipe and lay gasping on my back in the darkness.

    Tonight, I would feast like a king.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)02:33 No.4840151
    At the bottom.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)02:35 No.4840165

    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)02:41 No.4840238

    A gnome just took out a rat by jamming his arm down to the elbow into the things throat in a brawl inside a pitch-black grain silo.

    I cannot believe how awesome that was.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)02:46 No.4840280
    OP here.

    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)02:56 No.4840383
    so gnomes=smaller, meaner dwarves?
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)02:59 No.4840416
    They also have a somewhat lower tech level, from the looks of things.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)03:00 No.4840435
    And they seem to fucking love turnips
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)03:01 No.4840450

    With no capacity to brew delicious alcohol.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)03:02 No.4840468

    This may explain the increased meanness. The best a gnome has to hope for is eating the right combination of mushrooms to trip balls without shattering his tiny gnome liver.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)03:02 No.4840470
    Guess that's why they're so bitter.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)03:03 No.4840477
    I tie beetles to my feet, cross my arms and go wherever they take me.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)03:04 No.4840492
    Oh man, if they don't go in the same direction, yer fucked, man.
    >> zero 06/11/09(Thu)03:07 No.4840518
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    Dont have my tablet on me so have some shitty pixelfaggin
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)03:09 No.4840542
    Honey is more valuable than flint, meat or children. A gnome who brings honey back to his tribe gets fucking legends written about him.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)03:14 No.4840589
    Honey coated Turnips?
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)03:17 No.4840624
    you know, bees are generally pretty calm, and if you can find a nest and it's a nice day you can generally steal a bit of honey- as long as you make FUCKING SURE not to bump ANYTHING while you do so. or, if gnomes have fire, they can use smoke to make it a lot easier.
    >> zero 06/11/09(Thu)03:17 No.4840628
         File :1244704676.png-(1 KB, 115x176, gnomehoney.png)
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    Brought back an acorn top full of honey worship me gnome bitches
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)03:18 No.4840632
         File :1244704680.jpg-(35 KB, 430x430, gnome - happy.jpg)
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    Now you're fucking talking! I haven't had any honey-turnip since David Foxrider left the stump!

    Why are you sons of fucking bitches all so lazy, anyway? Bee stings can't hurt THAT much.
    >> SINISTAR !!KdHZFsOMZd8 06/11/09(Thu)03:18 No.4840639
    Ive been trying to upload a possible map found with Dimkins journal, but /tg/ is being retarded, so here's a link:


    p.s. 10000 hours in MS paint
    >> Unholy Clown Ninja Maid Anonymous, tl;dr Xom's Champion !!0aKrfPDoCW4 06/11/09(Thu)03:22 No.4840676
         File :1244704957.jpg-(117 KB, 708x611, GNOMEWARS.jpg)
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    Let me try to upload it.

    Man, that would make a rather nice sandbox style campaign map.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)03:24 No.4840690
    put a beehive somewhere on there- honey is a VALUABLE resource.
    >> SINISTAR !!KdHZFsOMZd8 06/11/09(Thu)03:25 No.4840699

    I specialize in nifty MS paint maps, and have a few that are really detailed (as anyone who's played a game ive hosted will tell you)
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)03:25 No.4840700

    just house rule some shit for mousegaurd and this would be an epic campaign
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)03:27 No.4840716
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    >> Unholy Clown Ninja Maid Anonymous, tl;dr Xom's Champion !!0aKrfPDoCW4 06/11/09(Thu)03:27 No.4840719
    Do you have a coastal map?
    >> Lolip the shitty. 06/11/09(Thu)03:33 No.4840789
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)03:34 No.4840792

    Bee stings can't hurt? You fucking kidding me old man? I saw my brother get stung by a bee once and his back swelled up with a lump bigger than your wifes tits combined and filled with poison. He was dead before we could drain it out of him and a shame too since that meant we couldn't eat him later at the funeral.
    >> Blim the Stump Gnome 06/11/09(Thu)03:35 No.4840807
    I KNEW those plainsgnomes were lying bastards! I don't see any carrots on this map at all!

    Er, does anybody have a casualty report? I've been unconscious in this out-of-the-way ditch for some time now.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)03:37 No.4840819
    true story, my dad has some bee venom mixed with honey for joint problems. It's tasty stuff and tingles. ate too much though and my face swelled up
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)03:38 No.4840825
    this is what makes gnomes awesome
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)03:39 No.4840834
    Also, people can DIE of bee stings.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)03:40 No.4840848
    Dimkin is fucking awesome.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)03:40 No.4840850
    My god he looks like a bad ass
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)03:42 No.4840870
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    The most well traveled gnome in all the land
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)03:44 No.4840897


    he is only a legend we dare not speak his name
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)03:49 No.4840948
         File :1244706599.jpg-(51 KB, 371x432, gnome_riding_bunny.jpg)
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    The raccoon devoured my brother after drowning him in a stream, so i decided to kick it down a notch. These things are a bitch to catch, do you have any idea how many carrots i had to feed this thing to get it docile?!

    but the jokes on you blue faggots now, BUNNY CAVALRY PREPARE TO CHARGE!
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)03:56 No.4841002
    I read Watership Down and I would not fuck with bunny cavalry. If I were four inches tall.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)03:57 No.4841011
    dude that was the best book ever, fucking bigwig man, fucking bigwig
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)03:59 No.4841024
    Lost Journal of Dimkin, Gnome of the Stump

    Day 75

    My battle with the rat left me feeble and incapacitated for nearly a week: I scarcely had the energy after the battle to skin the beast with its own teeth and make a bag from its bloody hide to carry back grain and rat meat to my gopher-hole home. Lapsing in and out of fever dreams, my only ventures outside during my period of weakness were to collect morning dew to quench my thirst.

    It was upon one of these dew-collecting expeditions that I glimpsed a sight which even now I cannot fully believe. I had turned at the sound of a great creaking noise to witness the entire side of Blood Mountain twist and deform, stretching outward and revealing a yawning black cave of unnaturally straight and rectangular proportions. Awed and fascinated by this change in the mountains solid form I gazed into the cave, hoping for a glimpse of whatever strange force caused this rift in the mountainside.

    What emerged was nothing less than madness made solid -- it was a Gnome, but not a Gnome. It stretched out from the ground, and though dwarfed by Blood Mountain it was nonetheless unimaginably tall. Its proportions were hideous and like nothing I had beheld before, with long spindly limbs that were each thicker than a full grown gnomes body, a huge red face devoid of beard & clothing (or perhaps skin) which shone with a riot of colors. This thing, this creature, strode out from the cave and beyond my sight as I sat paralyzed with awe by the dew drenched grasses.

    I have not emerged since from this hole, though my lips are cracked and my throat screams for water. I had thought that fear was something for children or Under the Hill gnomes, but even as I write this I can feel it creeping into my heart and eroding my former unshakable pride.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)04:03 No.4841051
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    this is awesome, where are the rest of these i must have them!
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)04:05 No.4841066
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    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)04:05 No.4841067
    Why the hell are they afraid? Everybody knows the Japanese can't aim worth shit. Just serpentine kids!
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)04:13 No.4841131

    I vote this journal entry be stricken from the canon. Everyone knows that Dimkin the Gnome has no fear.
    >> Unholy Clown Ninja Maid Anonymous, tl;dr Xom's Champion !!0aKrfPDoCW4 06/11/09(Thu)04:14 No.4841142
    Plus something of that size is clearly inconceivable.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)04:16 No.4841156

    He was in the throes of some form of delirium though. Who knows what dreams or nightmares may capture the mind of a Gnome in the throes of rat-scratch fever?
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)04:16 No.4841159
    As our brother Dimkin lay weake^h^h^h^h^hgathering his strength, some devious tool of the gods must have crept into his den and forged these words, taking advantage of his proximity to heap more indignities on a hardy gnome!
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)04:18 No.4841174
    Anyone realised that to a gnome. A tree would be a major land mark. Each recognizable and distinct.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)04:20 No.4841187
    Totally disagree. The Lovecraftian touches only make the tale of Dimkin more epic. And what mere mortal gnome can withstand the madness brought on by the Big Ones?
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)04:21 No.4841196

    Thank you! That's exactly what I was trying to go for.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)04:35 No.4841281
         File :1244709336.jpg-(38 KB, 444x366, 1244089316650.jpg)
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    >this thread

    OP's last line made me fucking lose it.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)04:39 No.4841311
         File :1244709568.jpg-(91 KB, 480x360, gnome_home.jpg)
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    think of your loved ones Dimkin, you have to make it back to them!

    who will teach your poor poor cynical brat how to love, or for that matter, talk?
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)04:39 No.4841316
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)04:46 No.4841381
    >4 inches tall
    >Squirrel hide
    What a bad ass gnome.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)04:48 No.4841402

    Lost Journal of Dimkin, Gnome of the Stump

    Day 80

    The madness and fever have fully left me now, and even as I write this I can feel a new sense of resolve stiffen my sinews and rouse my blood. Whether or not the apparition which emerged from Blood Mountain was real or a figment of a deranged mind no longer matters. My course is clear. If it was a figment of the imagination it cannot hurt me and if it is real then that means it has life, and that which lives can die.

    I must prepare.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)04:53 No.4841433
    >>4841402 Killing the gods.
    Gnomes are tiny Klingons!
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)05:05 No.4841499

    Holy jesus shitfucking christ, he's got stones.

    But there's a reason why it's the "LOST" journal.

    Ain't that right, bitch? Ole Dimkin never came back, huh? Had to turn to Lowstones for your sexings- STOP FUCKING CRYING.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)05:18 No.4841549

    Pray hard Gnome. The Journal was recovered, but no body was found.

    Dimkin bides his time.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)05:22 No.4841573

    I'll be sure to throw a bottle of piss in the sky to spite Thagr, the God of Ruining my Shit.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)05:25 No.4841593

    And his vile twin Grathr, God of Dumping Piss on Me Whenever I Insult Thagr.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)05:27 No.4841609

    Yeah, fuck that whiny bitch.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)05:28 No.4841615

    It's dutch, but curses are international. Perfect characters for gnomes.

    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)05:29 No.4841620
    I love /tg/ gnomes.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)05:33 No.4841633

    /tg/ gnomes are the final step in the evolution of manliness. Axebeard McBeardaxe can't compare to Dimkin and his brothers of the Stump.

    The Under the Hill clan is still a bunch of nancy's though.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)05:36 No.4841658

    At least we ain't a bunch of crybabies like the Stumpfucks. They have a god for BEDWETTING! That's right, your beloved Stumpfucks CAN'T FUCKING NOT PISS IN THEIR OWN GODDAMN BEDS. We used to think they just smelled bad because they didn't bathe like a normal gnome. I wish I could go back to thinking they smelled like shit.
    >> Eponymous Rex !!taqDd9490Ip 06/11/09(Thu)05:37 No.4841663
    Uh hello, Orkin? There's a bunch of tiny bearded men fighting on my property. I think they're gnomes?
    ... What do you mean gnomes cost extra!

    Oh right. If you can get someone how here in half an hour, I'll pay double.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)05:38 No.4841670
    >You live with other Gnomes inside of a hollowed out tree stump or a hill or some shit. Who cares.
    >Who cares.

    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)05:41 No.4841686

    Lovingly made homebrew setting thread. 0 Replies, Page 10 within an hour.

    >Who cares.

    197 posts and 49 image replies omitted. Click Reply to view.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)05:42 No.4841696

    Fact of the matter is, most fa/tg/uys would rather make shit up on the fly, replete with a plethora of profanities, than read through other peoples' stuff.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)05:44 No.4841709

    True that, its fun to play pretend instead of read amateur fiction. Though I did like reading the Dimkin Journals.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)05:49 No.4841743


    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)05:54 No.4841788
    I am saving this thread for inspiration, /tg/. By god you are awesome.

    In the middle of a campaign right now but I'll be damned if I'm not going to include you 4 inch fuckers somewhere.
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)06:37 No.4842028
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    As you explore the forest you find this.

    Can it be, the fabled ratslayer!?
    Are you man enough of a gnome to wield this godly blade?
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)07:04 No.4842178

    Fuck yeah, let's see Johnny "Humpaberry" try stealing my shit again!
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)07:09 No.4842198
    I claim it in the name of the Under the Hill clan!
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)07:11 No.4842209

    Too late, Dirtfucker, Stumpers got it first!
    >> Eponymous Rex !!taqDd9490Ip 06/11/09(Thu)07:59 No.4842412
    Ok you little bastards! SUCK ON AEROSOL FLAMETHROWER!
    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)10:49 No.4843618

    >> Anonymous 06/11/09(Thu)11:59 No.4844049

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