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  • File :1243609746.jpg-(230 KB, 1024x791, happymarine.jpg)
    230 KB ITT unbelievable tales of great heresy Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)11:09 No.4698835  
    There I was, almost done with a three week long double night patrol shift, and I was tired like you wouldn't believe.

    On the last day, on the way back to my sleeping bag in the morning, I hear corporal Steggins murmur a prayer to the Emperor himself, and for the life of me I could not muster up an erection at the mention of His name.

    What sins have brought you low, my brothers?
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)11:11 No.4698847
    once I frowned at a commissar when he wasn't looking
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)11:17 No.4698872
    Sometimes, when I have sex with a particularly beautiful woman, I have them wear my uniform and vest while I make lasgun sounds into their crotch.
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)11:21 No.4698892
    I... There was this one time, when I... thought this one woman might possibly have been slightly radical and a teensy bit on a chaotic side... and I didn't report her.

    I'm so sorry!
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)11:24 No.4698917
    Sometimes I daydream about not basing everything I do on relentlessly hating the heretics and xenos and just living my own life.
    >> Shas'o R'myr !!TZikiEEr0tg 05/29/09(Fri)11:25 No.4698922
    One day I was driving through an imperial hive in mah tank, hydraulics bouncing, boom boxes blaring the finest rap this side of the Eye of Terror.
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)11:28 No.4698937
    inb4 mass executions
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)11:29 No.4698945
    Don't tell anyone, but I think huge cathedrals aren't all that. There's just as much beauty in a simple stone church.
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)11:29 No.4698947
    One time I enjoyed pooping too much.
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)11:30 No.4698951
    Back on Taros. There was this Tau female (at least, I assumed it was a female) who I could have quickly and easily purged in the Emperor's name. Seriously, she was just lying there.

    But... I didn't. WHY DIDN'T I PURGE HER?!
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)11:30 No.4698953
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)11:33 No.4698974
    I keep a little vegetable garden in my Dormitory.
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)11:34 No.4698991

    On my fifth campaign around the outer rims I could have missed a headshot on purpose at an xenos seer because it reminded me far too much of my daughter.

    My only daughter, who the black ships took twenty years ago.

    Emperor forgive me.
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)11:37 No.4699015

    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)11:42 No.4699061
    There was this one time where my Chimera wouldn't start so... I... kicked it! I kicked it hard without uttering a single word! Though it started it was like I had torn the trust and glory of it's machine spirit!!
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)11:44 No.4699080
    Once upon a time, I had a nauseous feeling in my guts, so I only ate half of my rations. I was kinda glad, because after we got through slaughtering a wretched xenos, I lost my nerve and threw up what I'd eaten.

    So much blood. Too much burnt Tau flesh. Seeing my fellow guardsmen cut down by their cowardly tactics. It was too much for me to bear.

    But then I spotted a single, young Tau, possibly male. Something foreign welled up in my heart. I think the minor illness that had been interrupting my ability to serve the Emperor made me delirious. I thought of my own son, back on Terra Prime. The small Tau cowered, hidden from the view of everyone there. It looked so terrified and thin. I couldn't take it anymore. I approached it, fetching the rations that I hadn't eaten from my pack. It withdrew and started to shriek, but I put a finger over my lips and shushed it. The wretched xenos seemed to understand and stared at me in a cross between fear and resignation. I reached the creature and offered it the food.

    The Tau gave me back an unreadable expression, then began eating. Biscuit, part of some beans, a piece of sandwich... and the eating utensil that was part of the ration. Still delirious, I could only watch in mild amusement as the young Tau got part of the spoon down its throat and slowly choked to death. I laughed. Emperor protect me, I laughed at the death of this wretched xenos. I laughed until I cried, the realization of what I'd done finally sinking in.

    I had wasted the general issue meal that had been assigned to me, when a simple shot from my lasgun would have sufficed.

    I am so, very, unequivocally sorry.
    >> Shas'o R'myr !!TZikiEEr0tg 05/29/09(Fri)11:47 No.4699097

    It's okay, boyo. That was Jimbo. He was the...slow one. You did me a favor actually. I was just gonna duct tape explosives to him and tell him the enemy wanted a hug.
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)11:47 No.4699102
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    >> KHORNE 05/29/09(Fri)11:48 No.4699103
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)11:53 No.4699142
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    Tau say "boyo?"
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)11:55 No.4699154

    By Emperor's Damning Boots Man! I'm a Techpriest! I can't simply live by kicking like Marines!

    I am shame!
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)11:58 No.4699178

    That one does.
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)11:59 No.4699185

    He must be Kroot then.
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)12:00 No.4699189
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    Uhm. I'm not really part of the whole "Emperor's warriors" thing. But one time, I found a neat book on one of the worlds we claimed. It had stories about humans that fought for the Greater Good. There was a blue note inside it that made me feel... proud of humans, though.

    It was written by some ancient scribe in the early parts of the twenty-first century. Maybe there's hope for you guys after all.

    Here, let me show you the note. Maybe it'll make you feel proud, too.
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)12:00 No.4699190
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    >> Shas'o R'myr !!TZikiEEr0tg 05/29/09(Fri)12:01 No.4699194
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    you fucking guy
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)12:02 No.4699204
    I denounced the False Emperor and now worship the Dark Gods.
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)12:05 No.4699229
    Been killing heretics and orks for bout three years now, and I think it's time enough for me to know a thing or two.

    And I KNOW there's something fishy going on with the uplifting primer. For one thing, all the bits that aren't to do with the rules and such are downright wrong and all. Like the bits about the enemy. They're tough. Very tough. The stuff written in there could get a man killed, if he wasn't lucky.

    And now I'm wondering how many good men who just wanted to do their duty followed this primer to the letter and to their deaths.
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)12:05 No.4699241
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    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)12:07 No.4699257
    Tell me about it. You know that part about the Tau? Have you ever noticed that that bit is stuck on with sticky tape? Sticky tape!

    I wonder what's under it...
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)12:10 No.4699291
    This one time, me and my bro's back in the Tomb stole a Monolith and went joyriding.

    I just hope our Lord doesn't find out...
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)12:12 No.4699304
    We've been fighting the tau xenos for a while now, and I'm thinking why can't the adeptus priests make our guns like theirs?

    I don't know what you've been told but the las-rifle is not one the finest weapons a servent of the emperor can hold, contrary to what the recruitment notices are saying.

    It's not like that at all.
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)12:13 No.4699309
    Oh god...My commissar DIDN'T BLAM me!

    Now I'm scared.

    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)12:14 No.4699312

    oh, fratcron. remember when you climbed up that pylon with your mates and assembled an upside-down tomb spider at the very top?

    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)12:14 No.4699316
    emprah is a woman
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)12:15 No.4699317
    I have a confession to make.
    My Shaper has been guiding us to eat the bodies of our kills, but I... I... I DON'T LIKE FLESH!
    I'd much rather gain the strength of salad and tofu!
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)12:15 No.4699326

    Whoa. You know, maybe I just haven't been paying attention, but this is the first time I've ever seen Mr. Rage not completely miss the point.
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)12:18 No.4699344

    You're cutting it a bit too close there, sonny-boy. I'm revoking your weekend pass and cutting your dessert ration this Friday.
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)12:19 No.4699355
    Oh man, good times, when it was just us and those Eldar.
    Remember when we drove up to that nerd Eldrad's house and left that box of scarabs outside his door?
    Brocons forever.
    >> Deancron Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)12:22 No.4699374

    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)12:23 No.4699385
    One time I talked to the Squat tech working on our ta
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)12:24 No.4699388

    the image of a screaming hunched over necron in bad moustache, glasses, clip-on tie and combover is just priceless
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)12:27 No.4699405
    I don't know about the rest of the fire caste, but I think us learning how to fight in close combat wouldn't be a bad thing at all, so I've been putting together my own moves on the side and forging a couple of prototype blades.

    It's just, I cannot count the amount of fucking times some cocksucker squad with jumpjets swoops in and nearly hands our rifles back to us sideways. It's like, when I close my eyes all I see is jumpjets and screaming.

    Well, not anymore. Not anymore.
    >> CREED CREED 05/29/09(Fri)12:27 No.4699406
    This one time, believe it or not, I wasn't a tactical genius.

    True story.
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)12:29 No.4699418

    It's okay guy, not everyone gets to reach the buffet table first.
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)12:34 No.4699451
    Well, not like Chess Grandmasters are born that way.
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)12:35 No.4699455
    I took a dump in my hyve tyrant's walk-in closet
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)12:38 No.4699467
    So I'm a Space Marine of the Blood Ravens chapter..

    And this one time I was fighting using chapter traits...

    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)12:41 No.4699486
    Oi. Won time I wuz finkin', maybe rule by da biggest ain't da best plan, taktikul-wize, cuz da warboss'z plan uv "RUN AT DA NEKRONZ SKREAMIN' CUZ IT'Z SYKOLOGIKAL WARFARE" didn't seem ta be wurking. Course, dat finkin' was propa unorky so i did krump meself in the face and got stuck in. Felt good, it did, to kleer meself of dem unorky finkins.
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)12:44 No.4699508
    The last time I had sex I forgot to apply my Emperor Protects!

    I'm going to be a father! Crap, my Commissar is going to be soooo mad...
    ...uhh... Genestealers are girls right?
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)12:47 No.4699527

    I don't think you're a tyranid at all, my good fellow.
    >> Rubric Marine !5YmRrjC64A 05/29/09(Fri)12:48 No.4699532

    >> Shas'o R'myr !!TZikiEEr0tg 05/29/09(Fri)12:49 No.4699544

    Um...no. Not in the slightest.

    Enjoy your rending claws.
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)12:49 No.4699546
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)12:52 No.4699561

    Depends? So does that mean I'm not going to have Hive Fleet Juniors in 9 months?
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)12:53 No.4699566
    The image of University: 40k style is just classic. Brocrons, Eldar nerds, Tau suck ups, Space Marine preps, Ork misfits, Tyranid... I dunno, fat kids?
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)12:53 No.4699569
    Don't let this go further than just between me and you, I'd hate to think what would happen if the rest of the craftworld found out but.....

    I like to put my soul stone up my butt and jerk off.
    >> Rubric Marine !5YmRrjC64A 05/29/09(Fri)12:55 No.4699577

    Maybe; it depends on several glands.
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)12:56 No.4699581
    The purpose of a soul stone is kind of moot if you already worship Slaanesh.
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)12:57 No.4699586

    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)13:07 No.4699634
    I heard from a buddy that Genestealers were taken from human DNA or something, so that means their "parts must be in the right place" if you catch the Emperor's drift. And I heard that they suck DNA from living things (and that's why we have Lictors and shit).

    Well... I swear by the Emperor's honesty that I can't resist things that uhh... suck. So I trapped one of them using a trail of "genetic material" and turns out they do suck. I had a great time.

    Seriously fellow servant's of the Imperium (and unwanted neighbors) am I going to be a daddy?
    >> Rubric Marine !5YmRrjC64A 05/29/09(Fri)13:10 No.4699645

    Considering that you let one suck you, yes. Genestealers are the worst things to give head; it'll make way for a Hive Fleet.
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)13:11 No.4699651
    Prepare to pay some serious child service bills my good man.
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)13:14 No.4699667
    Dont forgetr khornate mass axe battles during football and baseball gmaes
    >> Rubric Marine !5YmRrjC64A 05/29/09(Fri)13:18 No.4699698

    He'll have to pay for all the damage, as well.
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)13:21 No.4699715
    Alright, don't say anything to the rest of my Kabal, but, sometimes?


    I have thoughts of sex. Consensual sex. With a girl.
    ....in the missionary position
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)13:41 No.4699894
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    Well, it wasn't really "giving head." We used this orifice near underneath her arm tha-

    Oh shit.

    Guys, the skin of my hands just fell off...
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)14:15 No.4700192
    I think the titans are an awful waste in forgeworld production cycles. So what if they're STCs? If it's an STC that means it's automatically great and should be used?

    Give me a break!

    The precious production cycles would be better used by making transformable capital SHIPTANKS. These hybrid vehicles will be able to serve normal fleet functions in other systems, as well as being able to deploy on planets as mobile fortresses!

    We'll be able to kill all the heretics by the next milennium!
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)14:16 No.4700207
    See your laspistol? Blow your head off with it.
    >> Guardsman Ted 05/29/09(Fri)14:17 No.4700217
    Actually, they would just steal the Shiptanks like they normally do. It's an Arms race, and we're winning, simply because we've stopped.
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)14:21 No.4700249

    Oh come on! You seem like a smart guardsman, don't you want to serve as a weapons operator inside a shiptank instead of trying to take chokepoints in the open?
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)14:22 No.4700253
    Well, there was this servator who was taking care of me after I was bruised up pretty badly...she couldn't stop staring at my crotch...and her crotch was leaking...and...

    ...I never explained why she couldn't function afterward to the techpriest.
    >> Guardsman Ted 05/29/09(Fri)14:25 No.4700277
    Actually, I serve as a commication and support personnel. We don't usually get shot at, and the upper files think that our shenanigans and heretical beliefs come from just being near open sources of Warp for too long. It's a pretty sweet gig.
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)14:28 No.4700294

    Smells like heresy.
    >> Rubric Marine !5YmRrjC64A 05/29/09(Fri)14:34 No.4700369

    I would hate that job; I love being in battle and hitting things with my chainsword. That makes me sound like I'm Khornate, but I'm not. Yet.
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)14:57 No.4700641
    I was nearly executed by the Inquisition for reading a book.
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)14:59 No.4700657

    Reproduce the cover of the Primer, slip on different book.
    >> Rubric Marine !5YmRrjC64A 05/29/09(Fri)15:00 No.4700671

    I'm converting. I can't wait to get my chainaxe!

    First, I have to escape, though.
    >> Lambda Marine !S/F56/OkWY 05/29/09(Fri)15:03 No.4700715
    I would call you a heretic, but I'm fairly sure that prolonged exposure to Tzeentch has put you off the far end of the Inquisition's "HERESY" scale already.
    >> Rubric Marine !5YmRrjC64A 05/29/09(Fri)15:05 No.4700747

    They told me I would still be off scale if they made it three times longer. Then they shot at me.
    >> Rubric Marine !5YmRrjC64A 05/29/09(Fri)15:16 No.4700876

    I then cut them up with my chainsword. It was really fun.
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)15:19 No.4700932
    Like...did she stop working completely, or did she just turn to schlicking every hour of the day?
    >> Anonymous 05/29/09(Fri)15:44 No.4701239

    ...well, she stopped working completely, then they fixed her, but she's doing the second now...especially when she sees me...I didn't think they'd get caught up like that.

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