>his first act is to waltz into a Lone Star precinct and announce that he is a Shadowrunner.

You know what happens to dandelion munchers in jail, right.

>>4681634
First guy got what he deserved. That really is the height of stupidity. DH Scum, though, eh, can't really be blamed. How's an ignorant acolyte to know what the hell something being incorporeal means?

>>4681634

1. GOD you guys are douchebags. You should have at least warned him.

2. Lol, what a moron. This guy just WALKED THROUGH THE HULL OF A TERMITE. Do you really think that little Autopistol is going to hurt him?

>The first is from a recent Shadowrun game I was in.

So you left a newbie out to die. Assholes.

>>4681849

Hey, this was willful stupidity on his part. Noone forced him to do any of this, he just did. I still don't know what he was trying to do.

>>4681849
No, retard. Doing something like that proves that you have, quite literally, no grasp on the setting whatsoever.

>>4681929
>>4681893
had he actually had a chance to find out about the setting? did any of you say" er, not sure that is such a good idea", anything like that?

>>4681929

He's a newbie, he probably didn't know.

>>4681953
I know nothing at all about Shadowrun and I can tell you that a group that has "star" in their title and a character called a "shadow" something aren't going to get along.

Seriously, unless it's the "Dark Stars" or the "Shadow Killers". That guy's a total tard.

>>4682009

This is somewhat true. But alot of that depends on your understanding of the way the world's law works. I mean unless he's doing it as a pisstake at the table, I think the GM should have said something to the effect of, "Lone Star works more or less like the police, Shadworunners are criminals/terrorists/assassins/bad you might not want to advertise it to not only them but anyone"

>>4682009

>>4682009
No that's just stupid.

Back in the days of AD&D I had the misfortune of playing with a wonderful young man who was not only incredibly dim but also a creepy perv. He always played fighters, barely understood the rules (we basically had to do everything for him, including character generation), and his solution to every problem was either "I hit it with my sword" or "I rape it." He was a complete stoner to, he was always lighting up. The one time we tried playing at my house, he got us banned from the basement for bringing pot.

The only reason we couldn't get rid of him is because he was the DM's kid brother and the DM's mom made it a condition of using their basement that he was allowed to play. We were in high school at the time and, this being small town Minnesota we didn't really have anywhere else to go. Besides, the DM was awesome, intelligent, creative and funny. How those two had the same mother I still to this day cannot fathom.

Well, near the end of a particularly challenging dungeon. Mr. Dimfight takes one look at the moving tile puzzle on the floor and announces "I hit it with my sword." Despite him having done this THREE TIMES already and each time it set off a deathtrap that we narrowly escaped from. Well, he beats all of us in the initiative roll and bashes the elaborate puzzle with his sword. Immediately huge, impenetrable stone doors slam shut and the ceiling slowly starts descending. After 5 rounds of fruitlessly trying to break free, we are all crushed to death.

To this day I am not sure what the DM was trying to do. If he was trying to teach his brother a lesson, it didn't work, becuase stonerdim mcfighterpants gets his hands on than anti-D&D Chick Tract and shows it to the DM's mom, who then shows it to all our moms and we get our D&D stuff confiscated.

Douchebag.

>>4682077
>>4682038
He sought out the Lone Star precinct after three hours creating his character with expert help. Sounds like he was a dipshit who wanted to start a fight.

>>4681634
I'm not saying you're a bad DM, but remember the power of "You chooes to do [stupid idea]. Are you sure?"

Additional note: Also there are big but sekrit laughs to be hand with "You choose to do [good idea]. Are you sure?"

>>4681634

First one is C.L.U.E.-grade material.

The group in my SR game isn't composed of the brightest tools in the shed, either. Last time, they were commissioned to provide distractions while a team of bank robbers got into the sealed vault. I think the words "distraction" and "chaos" got to their heads, because what they did was take eighty kilos of hard-sourced explosives, take up positions on a nearby rooftop, and proceed to annihilate rush hour traffic below, in front of the bank. In the process, they managed to destroy several armoured Star cars, ground a Star chopper... and fail to shoot down a news helicopter that flew nearby.

>>4682159
CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!

>>4682122

Holy hell, what a douchebag.

and and idiot.

GURPS Cyberpunk. Our party consists of four players (including myself), two of which are IRL Chaotic Stupid. Their roleplaying consists of little more than "I SHALL SMITE YOU WITH MY MIGHTY FIST" (which, I must admit, was actually IC for them) and they were usually rather... gung-ho in their battle tactics.

long story short, the gaming ended when, after a fight with snow bandits on snowmobiles, one of them ends up killing me and the other idiot (who had forcefed me drugs and pushed me further underwater when we both sank underneath the ice) by "succumbing to ice madness" and beating the shit out of us.

What the hell is it about Shadowrun that, even more than games like Paranoia which are DESIGNED around it, bring out Player derp and PC random stupid death?

>>4682230

I think it's the fact that Shadowrun characters can often seem a lot more powerful that they are so players tend to overestimate themselves.

I'm actually going to nominate myself, though I claim that I was simply acting in character.

It's a Vampire: Dark Ages game. I'm playing a Lasombra pretending to be a nun, and we've been charged by the Seneschal of the city in which we unlive, who incidentally knows about vampires and has an arrangement with the local Prince, to investigate some bizarre murders that have been happening lately.

Obviously, I've been sending off the weird documents we've been finding back to my sire, rather than to the Bishop as I've told the other players. Things are complicated when a Demon-hunter monk type shows up investigating the same murders. I agree to take him to see the documents as a show of good faith (at the moment he's not sure whether we are or aren't vampires but he's pretty damn suspicious).

On the way there I, a weak and feeble woman with few real combatty powers, try to smash a grizzled and experienced demon-hunter over the back of the head with a stick, thinking of course that by running off to my sire with the problem I'd be showing myself as weak. I was promptly beaten down and horribly burned by his True Faith. Only managing to escape by calling for the guards and convincing them he'd assaulted me.

I then attempted to lead a suspicious mob to burn down the local cathedral where I'd convinced them the murderers were sheltering, since clearly I'd just been attacked and horribly burned by this renegade monk and I, a simple and humble nun, would never dream of doing something that was against God.

Thankfully the other players managed to bloodlessly stop my attempted coup and I was promptly relegated to a support position due to my grievous wounds. I then fled the city to hide out among the lepers, but not before sending a letter to the demon-hunter revealing all the others, my sire and the Prince to also be vampires.

All in all, a pretty stupid move on my part.

>>4682249
To be fair, played intelligently, the small, highly skilled bands of professionals that constitute (some) Shadowrunner teams are capable of a great amount.

The kicker is they have to be intelligent about it. Apply only as much force as needed, bury the bodies (literally and figuratively, my GM initially laughed at me when I took a pig farmer as a loyalty 6 contact), do your fucking homework, don't kill when narcojet will do, and MAKE SOME FUCKING FRIENDS, jesus. Stone cold badassery and mirrorshades only go so far.

Also: the following are always red lights for me in terms of working with anyone who has any of the following:

-Vindicator mini-gun
-Obvious cyberskull
-Those goddamn raptor chicken cyber-legs
-Any PC throwing more than 10 dice for seduction. This is usually an Elf but to my horror found you can do a similar build with a troll.

>>4682249

Yeah. In Shadowrun, it comes down to who shoots first. If there's somebody shooting back at you after you've shot your load, consider a hasty and unordered retreat.

>>4682377
>-Those goddamn raptor chicken cyber-legs

Lawl. Yeah, who the hell would even consider those?

>>4682377

cont.

Social collateral is as if not more important than nuyen, as it allows you to make cash in a (slightly more) stable and secure environment. Especially for faces, fish around for things your contacts need done, the more you are part of a community, the more places you have to turn to when you need help. You don't want to sit around wacking it to until Mr. J needs you for something.

>>4682450
>You don't want to sit around wacking it to until Mr. J needs you for something.

That's horribly accurate of the vast majority of SR players I've encountered. The sole exception was the group's elven mage, who was totally gay for our fixer and got way out of his way to do even the slightest errand for him.

I tried running SR, and I wasn't doing it right. Any encounter I threw at them got ripped apart by the street sam who had 4 init passes, and I didn't really know how to compensate.

I have to say, the Scum unloading is actually pretty cool reactionary thinking, and quite cinematic. I'd probably wouldn't have punished him for it, aside from a few rolls to spook the fuck out of him and the obvious waste of ammo.

>>4682548

A sammy's natural prey is anything he can shoot to great effect. A sammy's natural enemy is anything he cannot shoot to great effect. I managed to frustrate the team's sammy by throwing a banshee at him.

Playing a supers campaign, and the resident "Eh, I'm half-here" player makes a powerhouse, but he keeps forgetting that the GM enforces rules about using lethal force.

We eventually fall into the trap of a character whose sole power is that she can make men fall madly in love with her, and so we've all been fighting each other over her, which was fine and dandy.

The female members of the team (of which there were two) can't get at her because we outnumber them and will fight to the death to protect her. So, they instead realize that they need to do something that will jog one of us into a moment of clarity, get us a willpower save, and buy us a chance to subdue her.

They manage to find a photo of the powerhouse's wife and kids, and wade into the battle to show him the picture, which earns him a will save, which he makes.

Then he punches the seductress. Full force. Not in anger, not because he's been left foggy and confused from mental manipulation, but because he just can't remember the damned rules and doesn't care to remember them.

She falls to the floor, dead, crumpled under his superhuman punch, the rest of us cringing and gesturing that this idea is awful (we have a fairly strict table rule about not talking during another person's action), but this apparently doesn't register with him at all.

So, anyhow, we collectively FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFed at him once he was done.

>>4682548
Magic. Spirits from angry mages will ruin his day.

Is the sam chem sealed? hit him with knockout drugs from a drone or the like.

Sniper from farther away than his guns can shoot.

Start hitting his contacts.

He's a sam, he's had surgery, obviously, this quite likely means there's a tissue/blood sample somewhere. Can we say "Aztec Blood Mages" and "Ritual Sorcery"? I knew you could.

>>4682548

That's easy. At the end of your next game session, grab all your player's character sheets and xerox them. Then take the xeroxes, add 2 points to every skill, swap genders and personal details around to make them less recognizable and send this new powerhouse team out to whomp your players.

Instant carnage.

>>4682548

Spirits or mages with LOS and manaball will scare the shit out of optimized for speed and armor Street Sams. Mind control is also a pretty good way to fuck with him/her, but it's mean.

>>4682721
Yeah, although effective, mindrape just *feels* too much like arbitrary GM "fuck you"

LIVE!!! DIE!!! LIVE AGAIN!!!!

You have NO idea how many players abused the poor Resurrection spell ... it's the most fucked-up torture device created. EVER.

>>4682577

I don't understand. Were you NOT supposed to kill anyone?

>>4682736

Ugh, revivify is worse, it's like a soul lasso.

My old DM, who was quite a douche, took advantage of the fact that we had a psion to kill one of us at a time, ALL OF THE TIME. He beautifully engineered situations of utter subjugation, and since he had a death outlet, he killed us all the time. Total Monty Hall bullshit.

>>4682751
He could have tackled her, grappled her, bumrushed the rest of the team and dragged them outside the area of her powers, pulled his punch and done a fraction of the damage.

But, no, he didn't understand the system or the house rules at all and just punched the bitch in her face, breaking her neck.

He was a powerhouse, but he didn't have retardo intelligence. His character was a superpowered police officer with years of service.

The player was just incapable of doing anything that required more than a split-second's consideration.

>>4682721
For slightly less "fuck you", invisible opponents are somewhat more challenging than standard without being completely impossible. Just give them heavy enough guns, and they should be able to put out at least a little pain before going down.

If attacking a facility, a mage in a control room with optical wiring to see throughout the facility can completely beat down almost anything but another mage coming after him with a full squad of spirits.

>>4682836

>The player was just incapable of doing anything that required more than a split-second's consideration.

This reminds me of me.

So, the house rules said that you were not allowed to kill people? Was there an emphasis on take-them-alive?

>>4682779
Please tell me when you quit his group that you set his house on fire.

Or stole his cat.

Or some incredibly valuable item of his.

You better have not killed his cat, though; what did the cat ever do to you?

>>4681634
hey op, where is that comic taken from?

>>4682896
Not OP, but Order of the Stick.

www.giantitp.com

How can you be on /tg/ and not know about OotS?

>>4682904
I think it's more of "where that particular panel came from".

>>4682904
figured that out, i was wondering which book. the "paladin blues" one?

>>4682863

He's in Minnesota now, freezing his ass off, penance enough. I only played with him because of an old high school friend who I've always respected.

>>4682377

>Any PC throwing more than 10 dice for seduction. This is usually an Elf but to my horror found you can do a similar build with a troll.

Oh wow.

In DH my brother was playing an assassin who had acquired a RPG on their last mission.

The next one was an investigation in the middle of a large city like Chicago or LA. In the middle of the adventure a city wide riot breaks out and martial law is declared.

He states that he thinks they will need more protection so he goes back to their shuttle at the docks. Picks up his RPG and walks out of the spaceport along the sidewalk like he doesn't have a care in the world.

(I asked him 2 times how exactly he was going to carry the RPG around and he said on his shoulder and that he wanted to use his duffel bag to store the spare ammo.)

Needless to say this lead to him being accosted by the local arbites and eventually ended in his character losing a fate point in a large shootout with the local police.

>>4682967
You are now picturing The Mango as a troll.

>>4682981
It never ever fails to amaze me how many of my players, after all these years, still think that being a PC comes with a literal license to carry around ridiculous amounts of lethal weaponry in broad daylight.

I actually had one player try to enter the governor's palace with her chainsword and flamer. When accosted, she reassured them, "It's okay, we're the good guys."

Pointing out that that's something evil government operatives say in movies all the time didn't make the ensuing brawl and arrest sting less.

>>4683118

You are the cancer that is killing RPGs. Let people have fun for once.

>>4683129
Have fun? By insisting that they get to keep their deathmissiles for a genial audience with the Imperial governor, even after I gently warned them that they wouldn't be needed and there's no reason to have them in-character?

Right.

>>4683147

You've mentioned that these kinds of infractions are regular? That generally means that the game that you want to run and the game they want to play are two different things.

Stretch the suspension of disbelief just a bit to make a more engaging game for them. If you're the kind of person who can't compromise a bit, then I suppose all you need is a few meatbags to slap around. Congratulations then, you're in hog heaven.

Another DH story here,
Just today one of my players managed to roll a perfect 100 on the good old perils test, needless to say he was fucked, but the party decided that because they where in such close proximity to him that they would be able to jump into the resulting warp gate before it closed.
After I finished laughing I told them it "might" be possible, so the fuckers all give it a go, and by god they succeed, (much to my own amasement) in their various agility rolls.
So I'm about to declare the party dead and be done with it but no the fuckers want to see whats on the other side, so I randomly determin which God was pissed off with the psyker in ther first place I roll a d6 one number for each chaos god and one and six for Gork and Mork, I end up with them being in the presence of the Grand Schemer himself, and the first thing the idiots do is start giving him orders.
So after another bought of uncontrollable laughter I ask them to roll an intimidation test with a minus everything, one of the bastards rolls a one, right there and then, the fucker then did it again, and managed to convince Tzeentch to let them go...
I ended the game after this and declared the campaign over, on account of not being able to top that insanity ever again.

>>4683179
>You've mentioned that these kinds of infractions are regular? That generally means that the game that you want to run and the game they want to play are two different things.

Or it means the players are just trying to be contrary, or they're ignoring the setting and the characters they themselves made, or they're just waiting for a moment to be LOLRANDUM XD and kill the questgiver. You don't know about him or his group.

The reasons threads like these sink is because we have people like you ready to blame everything on the GM if they don't babysit their players and suspend every logical consequence for their actions. She carried heavy-duty weapons into an audience with an Imperial governor, she got to cool it in the slammer for a few days while her group tried to get her released. How is that cancer?

>>4682122

You were in a group with David?!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37WlxhMF2dA&fmt=18

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XN00029FSKk&fmt=18

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WMDH1LeurQY&fmt=18

>>4682736
i'm pretty sure you don't have to be ressurected, if you don't want to. The example i remember was a paladin's soul could refuse to allow a evil cleric to resurect them, or something like that.

>>4683238

Why invalidate you're point of my baseless assumptions with baseless assumptions of your own?

I'm a believer in fun above all. Realism and consequence is important, but I've found that humiliating the players excessively for the sake of the prudent and realistic response is not conducive to fun gaming.

>>4683147
I know your sort saying we wont need any high powered weapons when we visit the governor or a noble.
Oh wait they arrest you and put you in void shields so you cant shoot your way out.
he's an avatar of Khorne and riding on a titan as well, its time for the chase scene

>>4683294

in before grammar

Mutants and masterminds Here.

so we have a speedster, a paragon with extra AMERICUUUUH! FUCK YEAH, and a lightning controller. Everyone wanted the electricity-controller to have rolled up a Batman/Rorschach type guy so they could solve mysteries and do stealth stuff. Or roll up a Batman/ironman type for the mansion and the private jet. But this bastard rolled up a rockstar with lightning powers. What ever, its not like you need a balanced party for M&M, they'll be fine.

So the first thing they do is break up a super-villain auction for some doomsday device. Despite his fucking amazing lightning powers, Mr. Lightning decides to paralyze guys then beat them up with his shitty strength score and a piece of wood.

Perhaps this isnt the dumbest thing here, but everyone hated him for not shooting lighting and using improve weapons.

>>4682836
>But, no, he didn't understand the system or the house rules at all and just punched the bitch in her face, breaking her neck.

Okay, here's how I see it.

GM: "Okay. You just barely manage to make your will save. This person has been mind controlling you, but you have an instant of freedom to do something!"

Player: "Okay, I wheel around and punch her!"

GM: "She dies instantly because you forgot to say how hard you were punching her."

Other players: "OMG YOU MORON!"

Player: "But... but..."

>>4683342
Fighting in a moderately suboptimal (but apparently still effective) way doesn't sound epic stupid.

>>4683210
Story smells of bullshit to me.

>>4683343
You assume this based on what we know about his ability to do damage and her hit points, I see.

>>4683413
Your group sounds like a bunch of whiners.

"OMG, you should have known how many hitpoints she had and you should've known that the GM always assumes you're going for lethal hits!"

>>4683440
I'm not the one who posted the story, so I couldn't say. Now stop being twelve.

>>4683179
This is the kind of faggotry that created 4e. Oh, noes, logical consequences for your poorly thought-out actions! Can't have that; the game has to be about sucking the players' dicks!

>>4683490
That has nothing to do with 4e. You could just as well say that about eliminating system shock in 3e.

>>4683463

Enabling drama and intrigue in a light-hearted way does not equate to sucking the player's dick.

You sound like the kind of guy who penalizes players for not declaring they've eaten.

>>4683490

Why do you run games? What do you get out of it?

Fantasy campaign has the party needing to sneak into a bandit camp. A couple of us are decent, and the not so decent ones are sneaking along further back so they don't blow their rolls quite so much.

Only one of them manages to fail, not only the dice roll but he apparently decided that his platemail was too precious to ever take off. Oddly enough he managed to get away while only one of the other party members was captured.

>>4683490
The game has to be about having fun. If your players aren't having fun, then you're doing something wrong.

If you're not having fun DMing, you are also doing it wrong.

The trick is to find a balance. If your players keep wanting to do ludicrous things in a realistic setting, they obviously do not want to play a realistic setting. Talk it out with them and decide together the kind of setting both parties want to play in.

Playing a game of D&D 3.5 with a couple of houserules, to make things interesting. The relevant houserule being that if a magic item gets broken, there's an explosion of magical energy. Depending on the caster level of the magic item's effects, the explosion could be fuckhuegnuclearblastohgod.

Enter "Greg," the human barbarian. Greg has a base of 22 Strength, several Strength-enhancing rings and amulets, and a size-category-inappropriate greataxe that he swings around like most people swing baseball bats. He also has several feats that enable him to force saves versus massive damage with this axe.

Introducing Evil McLich. McLich is a very bad skeletal mage that happens to own a magic sword and his very own castle. McLich is also a tough son of a bitch, as evidenced by the fact that he's using minimal magic and actually engaging in melee combat. And he's winning.

Cue the bright idea from Greg. "He's still got that sword out, right?" Why, yes, Greg. Yes, he does. "And we've already seen it flaming and freezing, right." That we have, Greg, that we have. "I sunder the lich's sword." Very good, Greg, very - you what.

The resulting magical explosion killed everyone and destroyed half of the castle. Greg still fondly recalls that day, while everyone else just good-naturedly gripes about it.

>>4683630

I dunno. If the Lich was *winning* that might have been a sound tactical decision.

Go out with a bang, take the fucker out with you, end his evil for good.

>>4683630
That was not dumb. You said you were losing, he sacrificed himself and the party to take out the evil lich. That man gets a pat on the back.

>>4684260

DM-IS-A-DICK MODE: The phylactery survived.

D&D 4e here when we had a player who played through our 3.5 days with us.

He never played 4e, so we go through the process of making a 10th level character and painstakingly writing out every attack and power on notecards for him.

I explain that the party is tracking down a demon in the Shadowfell, and that they were in a small town in the plane and that it was not a safe place to be.

The player, a halfling rogue, saunters into the first bar he sees, party in tow and becomes immediately appalled. There were duegar in that tavern! Apparently he decided that his halfling hated the dark dwarves with a passion. The other players in the group were all dwarves as well, who, while upset, knew better than to start a fight in town.

Everyone else grabs a drink, takes a seat, etc. Not the halfling. He runs up to the dark dwarves and Intimidates them with a pathetic roll. Okay, everyone gets a good chuckle as the halfling gives a meek, little growl.

But he just won't let it go. He behind the counter and makes a Stealth check, fumbling with a natural 1. I rule that he trips and knocks over some glasses, and generally calls attention to himself. Now everyone is laughing, dark dwarves included.

>>4684402

This pretty much tears it for our halfling. He sits in the corner and waits as the party starts to discuss their plans, constantly making Perception checks on the dark dwarves. Eventually I throw him a bone and mention that one of the duergar is going outside to take a leak.

He just bolts straight out of the tavern and brains the dwarf, beating the tar out of the guy. Blood everywhere. The duergar doesn't even fight back, just trying to get away. I figure that, hey, I guess he wanted to get it out, I'll give him some rounds to get away. Instead, he takes the body and tosses it into the nearest home he can find.

Now someone is creaming for help, the duergar are coming to find their lost mate, and the guards (a number of shadar-kai and their ogre muscle) are on the hunt. The halfling, instead of trying to hide, runs straight up to the ogre and tries to Intimidate him (bearing in mind that he has not even TRAINED Intimidate).

The guards let him off with a "permanent banishment." I'm not a fan of killing off players. The halfing then hurls his mace at the ogre and spits on him.

The ogre promptly picks him up and hurls him some 200 feet in the air. I even let the other players find his body in a critical state in a chance to save him.

They do not.

>>4682122

>a wonderful young man who was not only incredibly dim but also a creepy perv

So you played a game with someone you met on /tg/. Got it.

>>4682863

>You better have not killed his cat, though; what did the cat ever do to you?

The cat wrote the scenario the gm was running that allowed all this.

>>4683277

>i'm pretty sure you don't have to be ressurected, if you don't want to. The example i remember was a paladin's soul could refuse to allow a evil cleric to resurect them, or something like that.

That's in 3ed D&D, and only because Johnathan Tweet was a god damn pussy.

>>4683413

If some bitch was mindraping you, you wouldn't knock the bitches head clean off? Especially in a situation you could pass it off as life-or-death?

>>4683254

No, I wasn't. This was in 1986 and I think that's a little before David's time. Still, David is pretty close to this guy. Imagine David, but skinny and sporting a scraggly mullet.

>>4684641

>No, I wasn't. This was in 1986 and I think that's a little before David's time. Still, David is pretty close to this guy. Imagine David, but skinny and sporting a scraggly mullet.

>>4683869

Waaaaaaaait a minute, there, good sir.

Is that a picture of Henry the Red slitting the throat of Ash Williams?

>>4684708
not enough chin to be Bruce Campbell.

Campbell's chin would stop the sword, even with his head tilted back.

I'm in a 3.5 game, and have a pretty good group. The DM tries to encourage Roleplay, and we generally just try to have fun.

My first story, one of our players was playing a Ranger. Nice guy, but has a thing with explosives. If we ever put his character near anything that could possibly explode, all sense seems to fly right out the window with him.

Well, the party was on a skiff, heading down river, transporting gunpowder mainly, for some damn fool scheme, which I don't remember off hand. About half way down, we're attacked by pirates, who have a blockade downstream, and have sent a longboat behind us to try and pin us in. Well, seeing as the group can't handle two pirate ships by themselves, we decide to set a torch infront of the gunpowder storage, and ram it into the blocking ship, so we have a chance to escape in the chaos. Well, we're all getting ready to bail, when aforementioned player suddenly announces "I kick a keg into the torch." We all turn and look at him, like WTF!? as he ignites the whole damn thing and takes out half the party. (The rest of us managed to jump off.)

>>4684742

Another time, a different player (A Wizard), was with us as we set up in the ruins of a castle to camp for the night, as we saw a huge winged shadow overhead, and figured we should get out of site. Exploring the ruins for cover, we eventually find a sliding wall, which leads into a tomb like area. Being brave, we head down and take a look, finding an alter covered in profane symbols, with a sword sticking out of it, and a skeleton kneeled, and praying infront of it, in tattered armor. After abit of investigating, we find sacrimental wine stored on the walls. My character, having seen the symbols before, in the lair of a seriously evil druid, tells the party we should leave and not touch anything. As most of us turn back to get out of the crypt, the wizard announces he picks up the sword. Turns out it was the big cursed plot sword, we weren't suppose to have messed with just yet, the DM figured we'd see the evil symbols and leave, since we're not really equipped for purifying sites, and whatnot. Well, as we leave the Wizard to his fate, undead start rising from around the castle, and setting up warcamp, the sword controls them. Fun.

>>4684350
Even then, he tried his best.

Everyone seems to assume that the sword going up like a giant bomb was reasonable and expected. I guess I don't play enough D&D to know about that sort of thing...

Ahh, these stories.
Thanks OP.

Story 1;
A player of ours, one of the dullest dimwits to ever hit the gaming table, couldn't understand the subtle hints we wanted him to go. Even after I said, "no, I don't like you," and so on. There is plenty of dumb references in that conversation alone, however! One of the early references to his stupidity was the donation of the 'Shiv of Healing' given to him by the BBEG who was trying to underhandedly kill everybody and convert him to the 'other side.'
This was explained in GREAT detail how dicky this guy was and to NEVER trust him. Regardless our wonderful shining example of inbreeding decided to stab himself with the knife, for 3 months. I never told him how it worked. Gave him a flaw for it too. Every time he stabbed himself he took damage, he gleefully rolled for the damage and then asked, "how much does the knife store?"
To which I replied, "You have no way of knowing." See the thing was he was hiding it from the others who could tell what it was, and was doing it under the assumption of its title and nothing more.
So, some time later he got into a fight with the BBEG and was losing HORRIBLY. Bloodied and finding himself unable to retaliate anymore he said, "I WILL USE THE SHIV OF HEALING!"
Again, I informed him, "You don't know how it works."
"Do it anyway!" he smugly responds.
"Roll damage." I say.
"Ok," he says, and then asks, "How much do I heal."
To this everyone was waiting for the response, "you don't" I said. I tallied the damage, and informed him he bleeds out.
Argument ensues.
The end of the argument stood with the simple question, "even if there were hit points stored inside the shiv, how do you get them out?" This left him in a quandary and is still a story that brings about laughs at the table.

Story 2;
I enjoyed the persona of role playing the afterlife and playing around with soles, hit points, willpower, and even experience. Its a homebrew, and I have been running it for a while. There are several experienced players who have played with us for some time and have been coaching one on how and what to expect from the game.
So the story progresses and everyone thinks that captain stupid's character, who was abducted through a soul gate several games ago, was dead. He didn't come to game with us for several games after that and suddenly showed back up. So I told him I didn't have another character for him and he insisted that he play his old character.
I agreed. But this time I was going to be an ass and progress the story through his characters demise. I didn't tell him this but I let him feel like he had a chance.
His character awoke on the other side of the gate in a cave with a small patch of ground that became a bank into something that I call a river of souls. A flowing mass of the dead (think Hades) and a character who was trapped inside the cave. This characters body has suffered entropy so badly that the lack of entropy in this dimension has kept him alive. So if he leaves he knows that he will suffer a sudden onslaught of entropy and die. To prevent this he needs a new body and begins a plan to kill the character who just arrived.
All of the players know what a river of souls is, they have used it before to kill a mini-boss. The trapped character starts to teach and train the newcommer for amusement and begins to play mind games with him. For a while things go well, he feels he is making progress, he learns about who this guy is and why he is here and finds out he is an integral NPC that could help out the group.

>>4685188
Story 2; part 2
So, after a while (as in several games) he informs him that he will release him from the cave and let him leave through the soul gate if he is able to cross the river of souls and reach the 'tree of knowledge' that will teach him how to leave. The character sits on the bank and lets him know there is nothing else and he must chose what he does. Stay here, or attempt the fateful crossing. He knows a river of souls is deadly and trys to be inventive to cross the river. There is no wood, there are no supplies, just cave, embankment, and NPC. And no, things won't float in the river of souls.
He has an ability that lets him use his cloak as an appendage and uses it to create an encompassing shield that pushes the souls away. The souls are incorporeal.
He wades into the river and moves slowly making sure to push the souls away from him and starts walking. The river is deep, and he finds himself over his head. Figuratively and literally. He continues to do the same, but here the souls are densely packed and start to push the boundaries of his makeshift capsule. They push on the edge and start to poke through as he sees them on the inside. It becomes rampant enough that one actually hits his leg dealing damage to it and decaying it in front of him. He moves forward. I by no means feel that declaring him dead was just, so I let him decide weather or not to continue. And he moves forward. It gets worse and more and more souls make contact with his body tearing it apart and he keeps moving forward.
So eventually he dies. But mind you he had the options but I did make the goal seem like the literal tree of knowledge and took it straight from the bible. His greed was easy to take advantage of but like I said we already didn't like him. So this is more of an example of DM dickery rather than stupid players, but we all agreed he was an idiot.

>>4685188
>>4685194
I see no evidence of player stupidity.
I see only massive DM douchery.
You were being a dick for no reason.

Story 3;
The last story I have is more pronounced to his dumbassery.
This started on a mountain with a thick icecap. Yes it was in the winter and the group was trying to capture a group on the run. Simple stuff, the snow was an obstacle but they were making some decent time through it, no loss of limbs and so on.
The moment of idiocy came in a skirmish between all player characters and those they were tracking. The nuclear bombshell of stupidity decided to start an avalanche to stop them from escaping.
Yep, that was his moment of brilliance. So he started it, above him. As it came crashing down I had everyone else go first so he could have time to think of the best way to not be brought down by the immensely powerful snow assault. Everyone else went, some were inventive, some were practical and they seemed to be able to avoid it through some degree of skill. Nothing extremely fancy. So, what does our ignorant beacon of hair pulling frustration do? well he says, and I do quote, "I want to be a rock!"
"Rock like?" I ask
"Yeah, sorta." his thought was that if he was heavy-like he would simply fall to the bottom of the avalanche as it swept over him. Yeah, he died. I stopped trying at this point.

>>4685451
cocks

>>4685451
Given that story 1 was still him?
Story 3 is too, and that his stupidity was constant?
We were tired of him.
Besides I admitted that very fact. Perhaps you should read the post before making an opinion.

Ok so a guy finally persuades me to try some scifi rpg. I'm not that familiar with it, it's some kind of cyberpunk game. Anyway I agree and from what I pick up it's not a very realistic setting so what the hell, I want a kind of street samurai. Yeah not very original but they sold the game as some light thoughtless fun.

So one of them spends ages min maxing my character. I was like “Fuck I just want to hit things!” but he seemed really into it and it was kind of fun picking up the game terms and concepts from the character creation process.

So the game starts and they plonk me on a street. I go into the busiest building where some npc asks who I am. Looking a my character she I tell him I'm Fronzo Swordchaser, shadowrunner. The other guys around the table start laughing and he gm takes my character sheet and rips it up.

One guy starts choking on his cheesy puffs he's a laughing so lard, even throws up a bit.

GM tells me that I have to create a new character. Fuck that shit. So I left and fucked his mother and set fire to his beagle

>>4685522

I'm beginning to feel sorry for this guy for having to deal with you.

>>4685552
You may. I tried really really hard to make an exception for him. but by these times it was just to much for me. My fellow players know very well that I don't do dicky things for GM dickeries sake, I make sure that rules are rules and various things can be assumed to avoid stupid moments.
I have had the same group for many years now, but he is still the butt of 'gee is that guy stupid' jokes.
In the end I would have to say I don't feel guilty.

>>4685594

You realize eventually doing that to people causes them to feel less and less bad the fateful day they decide to break your jaw, correct?

>>4683210
So it all went just as planned? Its quite Obvious that Tzeentch saved the party so they could spread change.

You should have kept going and have them realize that what ever they do could be helping Tzeentch. Party paronia and TK insue

>>4682863
You. You sound eerily like DeceasedCrab...

>>4685522
"I'm going to try to resist the avalanche!"
"LOL U DIE"

cool story bro

>>4685594
>>4685594

Going to go ahead and ask; sauce?

>>4685594
Man, just reading words you type makes me want to punch you.

You must be huge to get away with being such a dick.

>>4685658
Nupe, just a random dude.

Though I fully support replying to dickery, with dickery.

>>4685594
you led a guy through multiple sessions dangling the guy's character sheet in front of him for the sole purpose of ripping it up in front of him

>>4685693
It was something in the wording that made me hear it in his voice. FUCK now all of /tg/ is in DeceasedCrab's voice!

Shadowrun. Our mage has just blown his brain out his ears overcasting a spell, and is nearly incapacitated. The party is giving chase to the bad guys. The mage hops on the back of the samurai's motorcycle and hangs on for dear life.

Midway through the chase, the samurai decides to JUMP OFF THE MOVING CYCLE and onto the enemy car.

The mage has not trained drive.

One tree and a bunch of burnt karma later, and we have a very angry mage and a dead samurai.

>>4685194
So you predetermined you were going to kill his character ICly OOCly before the wading through the souls began?

You realize that's metagaming and it makes you a GM that should be banned from ever holding a game, right?

Not to mention it's needless dickery and arrogance. If mods banned for shit like that, i'd report you.

>>4683254
God damn that kid is dumb.

>>4686198
Yes, yes he is.

Only multiplayer D&D game I've been in IRL devolved into a brawl because people were being stupid back and forth.

IIRC I ended up biting a dude's ear the entire time.

>To this day I am not sure what the DM was trying to do. If he was trying to teach his brother a lesson, it didn't work, becuase stonerdim mcfighterpants gets his hands on than anti-D&D Chick Tract and shows it to the DM's mom, who then shows it to all our moms and we get our D&D stuff confiscated.

Oh how I loathe Christians.

>>4685194

This is an outright bullshit move, right here. I hope you die a horrible death for treating somebody like that.

>>4685551


Ha! Best thing ever.

>>4685551
>gm takes my character sheet and rips it up.

If any GM did this to me, I would mindlessly break their jaw. Holy shit.

You should have broken that faggots jaw.

>>4686472
read the thread
someone else posted that story from the DM POV
this fag is being a lul trol

Also, I guesssss someone leaving for a few sessions could be grounds to put them on a path that ends to 20 deaths and maybe one that leaves him alive, but not outright death even if he is acting smart.

>>4683254
Actually, I don't think David is all in the wrong. That one guy who antagonizes Dave is a dick and the GM is a pussy.

>>4684932
>>4685188
>>4685194
>>4685522

I feel like I'm missing something -- reading through all those it seems like you decided to railroad a guy to death repeatedly because he made bad choices.

The first story is him, clearly, misunderstanding the item out of character. If I were his DM I would have pushed very hard to give him clues either in our out of character, but you decided to let the character die and upset the player to prove some arcane, moronic point.

The second story is you just straight up railroading the poor fucker. You gave him zero options, you just up and decided that the character would die to spite the poor guy.

The third one involves you calling the guy stupid for using the environment as a weapon and then failing to save himself. You fail to tell us about everybody else's plans and why, exactly, they're so damned inventive and I can't help but feel that you just shit on this guy's plan 'cause you didn't like him.

Honestly you sound like a douche acting out your repressed angst from being picked on high school on this poor guy just because he might not be the brightest bulb or might not grasp your game as well as everybody else.

Nerd cliques picking on other nerds, congrats.

>>4684932
>The end of the argument stood with the simple question, "even if there were hit points stored inside the shiv, how do you get them out?" This left him in a quandary and is still a story that brings about laughs at the table.

The end of the argument stood with the simple question, "Even if there were fireballs stored inside the wand, how would you get them out?" This left him in a quandary and is still a story that brings about laughs at the table.

DnD 3.5

My groups used to have a player who played a ROGUE and only a ROGUE. Now, this particular rogue's favorite line was "I'm sneaking. Can they see me?"

Now, in a particular quest where we were making our way up a mountain guarded by some Fire-giants. The Rogue decides to "go on ahead" because he's stealthy and all, the rest of the party agrees. As he's walking he suddenly turns a corner and comes face to face with three Fire-giants. The rest of the party is like "shit, he's dead." But our Rogue just smiles and rolls for stealth and says, "I'm sneaking. Can they see me?" To which the DM reminds him that he can't go into stealth while being directly observed, to which our Rogue replies, "BUT I'm sneaking! Can they see me?"

He didn't get killed, but he did bring the entire Fire-giant camp down on us.

>>4686988

In another occasion of the same campaign. We were fighting undead in abandoned church with a graveyard. Now, skeletons and zombies are springing up everywhere and the party is just cleaving it's way as a group. Our Rogue spots a skeleton on the roof of the church and assumes that it's the leader. So he breaks off from the groups, sneaks into the church. Despite being a rogue he ends up alerting every undead on the way up and he only made it to the roof after successfully blocking the doorway. So he's on the roof and he charges, not sneaks, charges into the skeleton thing on the roof which turns out to be a simple skeleton archer, and that there ware two of them. So he grumbles about it almost being his moment of awesome and stuff and draws out his dagger and shortsword and attacks.

Meanwhile, the party continues to fight it's way through the undead when our cleric sees that the skeletons are originating from a particular crypt which must obviously contain the source of the undead horde. So we fight our way inside the crypt and come face to face with a necromancer cult (obviously) and thus begins the heroic battle of our party.

>>4686991

The battle goes brutally for both our party and the cult and several times I (a scout) had to run out and shout for our rogue to stop fighting the skeletons and help us out. But he just said that "he'd follow once he was done with these things." So about an hour later we finally slay every damn one of those cultists and the party exits the crypt to find the rogue STILL in combat with the same skeletons. (the rest of us don't really know how this happened since we weren't paying attention to his character at the time, but the DM said he tried to bullrush the skeletons off the roof several times) and he was down to 1/4 of his HP. The Cleric and I offered to help him out but he just said, "NO! This is MY BATTLE!" so we let him do that while we mopped up the remaining undead. Eventually, he cheered in triumph over defeating the skeletons. But the undead still in the building eventually broke through his barricade and tried to attack him. Seeing that he had barely any HP left, he ran to the opposite to try and slide down a drain pipe and fell to his death. The party immediately ROFLed on the spot and made him the butt of jokes for the next hour or so. But we were kind enough to revive him.

>>4686997

Later on a Necromancer PC who is on our side learns about this story and convinces us to go back to the battle site. He finds the intact remains of the skeletons on the roof and revives them, just to piss off the Rogue.

>>4682210
I remember when you first wrote about "ice madness " dude

>>4682230
I... have to admit my worst moments were all in my group's shadowrun game. but most can be blamed on my unfamiliarity with the system at the time- like botching a roll to arm a suitcase nuke when I could have taken a 10. So instead the disturbingly agile troll street-sam/sniper Truck got to burn edge to keep from getting blown to kingdom come.

Alright. A story of my own I guess.

This one dates back to my first real game of D&D in a really awesome home brew setting. So our mission is to assault this mansion of some long dead aristocrat, and it's a world called "Clockwork"

So we're busting through the main doors as 10th level etc, and we're attacked by 6 mechanical, steam powered spiders of death. They're kicking our ass for a bit before the GMPC rouge finds an off switch on a far wall on a huge ass set of wooden doors. He hits the button and we proceed. So we open the doors and the rogue heads through. BAM. The doors shut when he's half through, trapping him tightly in between two massive doors.

The entire party is going "OH SHIT" and the doors are taking any mundane attacks used without fail. So me, the first time player and Wizard am graced by a brilliant idea.

I point at the Rogue, and cast fireball at the door, just above his head. The entire party stands there going "OH SHIT ALSIS DON'T" but it's too late. I completely roast the rogue to death, blow a good chunk of the door apart, and accidentally killed the Rogue.

They weren't TOO pissed, and it was later revealed he Rogue was chaotic evil and we didn't know it, but still. I was such an idiot.

>>4687612
Your wizards sound incredibly chaotic.

A few instances of player stupidity I've probably mentioned long ago but bear repeating.

The first was when a player using a light and zippy NEXT-style mech in a sci-fi campaign was fighting enemies with much heavier weapons. Logically, he should have struck from cover and so on, right? Instead, he runs into an open killing zone, blazes away with his machine guns and blows up one of the four heavy mechs before standing still and shouting "have fun hitting me morons". The other three then turn to him and open fire at point blank range with heavy beam cannons, destroying him in one shot.

The second time, the player had been discussing a lot of stuff with me out of character over a pizza break, about how his roleplaying options might pan out if he asked certain questions and passed the skill checks. When we start playing again, he just says "I ask the NPC what we proposed a moment ago, what does she tell me?"

I reply "she looks at you blankly and says if you're proposing you should at least make her dinner first, she'll be in your cabin at seven."

The final time was when the players were on the deck of an aircraft carrier, preparing for a battle. One of the marines they're working with does the whole "WHAT A PIECE OF JUNK" routine, at which point rather than any kind of expected or sane response, the player whose character has just been challenged says "I remotely operate my mech's leftside machine gun turret and shoot him."

With a minigun.

On the flight deck of an aircraft carrier in front of five platoons of special forces and the supreme commander of the theater.

My response was just "give me a good reason why I don't just make this a TPK and suggest you go home?"

>>4687612
you felt bad.

for killing the DMPC.

wtf?

>>4687666
First off, good evening Satan.

Second, that last one sounds really stupid but hilarious to actually see happen.

>>4687705
I had a really awesome DM, man. He always made the game fun, even with his DMPC's, it was fun. I always feel bad for killing a character, it's kind of like i'm killing their hard word to me. I do it anyways, sure. But I feel bad.

Besides, his DMPC's were never, ever mary sues.

So we're playing 3.5 and we're fairly far in the game. We go and meet a emperor who's planing to hire us to take care of some ninja / assassins and suddenly a elf runs in and blows up the emperor's head ... we decide not to get involved, as anything that can get past the castle guards and manage to pull off this stunt we probably don't want to fuck with (at least without being paid.)

So the guards sigh and announce "Call in the Shaman!" and Dareth, our archer style ranger, announces he prepares a action. The shaman walks in and Dareth shoots him.

"Dareth, why did you shoot the shaman?" we asked, and never did get a decent answer out of him. Anyway - we ended up agreeing to deal with the assassin problem if they didn't press charges (i.e. kill us on the spot) and we've never let him live it down.

We've even made a song out of it.

>>4686736

What we're probably missing is this guy's bitter feelings he obtained before getting this guy in the group. He came along and he thought "PERFECT VICTIM"

I just started DMing D&D with some friends and all of us understand the fantasy setting and how it works so I figured it would go fairly smoothly.

I said anything in the 3 core books goes for the first few games so we can get a feel for it and modify how we play from there.

Genius decides to download every D&D book and pour over them for a week trying to make the best possible character, despite knowing it was going to be an above ground campaign he decides to be a drow.

I let him because I didn't want to be a nazi.

Anyway we are running an evil party and after a good 4 hours of playing we come across a city flying a neutral banner so I move for it trying to show them that as long as we obey its laws while inside we will be fine....so buddy walks right up to the gates behind us and promptly gets beat down by the guards. He starts crying about it saying its not fair that all humans would attack a drow on sight quoting that "drizzt can do it"

I almost stopped the campaign right there.

>>4685594

No you didn't. You, sir, are a cock of a DM.

In a 3.5 game, we had a player who decided to play a pyromaniac sorcerer. Unfortunately we started at level one, so his "flaming" spells were rather limited. Instead he just carried around a whole bunch of alchemist fires.

The party was hot on the heels of a pirate band operating in town, and decided to hang up their search for the night. The sorcerer did not think so. Instead he left the inn they were staying at and followed the clues to the pirate hangout in an abandoned tavern.

The rest of the players are wild with happiness that the sorcerer essentially solved the last bit of the puzzle himself. They're all ready for him to say, "I return to everyone else with news," or something like that, but instead he crawls in through a window of the hideout.

I describe the place as a liquor filled nightmare with cutlasses and crossbows lying about, rum soaked and disused. There were a number of voices coming from a nearby door and footsteps approaching his position. The sorcerer naturally hid.

So he overhears the pirates' plans and it's another epic win for the sorcerer and everyone is cheering for him. Then he suddenly says the dumbest thing we've heard from the guy.

"I hurl my alchemist fire at the pirates."

I point out that this is not a great idea, citing the liquor all around the place. He just calmly says, "but imagine the kind of explosion it'll make!" He rolls and gets a natural 1 and misfires right onto himself. He runs out of the pirate den, covered in flames, the place burning down behind him, and the pirates left to find a new hideout.

If the bard hadn't been out partying, the sorcerer probably would've died right then and there.

ITT Terrible DMs

>>4689896

if he wasn't so unlucky that would be awesome.
And perfectly in-character.

>>4689641
>Anyway we are running an evil party and after a good 4 hours of playing we come across a city flying a neutral banner so I move for it trying to show them that as long as we obey its laws while inside we will be fine....so buddy walks right up to the gates behind us and promptly gets beat down by the guards.

I don't follow. You tell them they'll be fine if they follow the laws, and then have the guards beat one up for being a drow?

>>4690230
Being a drow is against the law.

I used to DM for a group of college friends and we had this hanger-on guy that pretty much leeched off anyone that would let him. Never showered just coated himself in a new layer of AXE body spray everyday. Ate what people left on their plates in the school mess. Tried to insinuate himself into whatever was going on despite people telling him to go away. That kind of shit. We called him 'Stinky Dave' to his face. ...we knew a lot of guys named Dave and needed to differentiate somehow. So he tells us one day that he's honestly interested in learning to play some D&D. In retrospect, it was probably just for free soda and chips, but I'm always willing to give a new player a chance and no one objected more than usual to being his being around and I was getting ready to start a new campaign so I thought 'oh, what the hell why not...'

So the new game ends up with six players including Stinky Dave. (3rd level, 3.5 D&D) With some help he rolls up this Ranger/Rogue that isn't a total waste of space. Had some delusions of Legolas going on but it was ignorable until the party finally sets out from the town to go treasure hunting in some ruins. Now that they're out of town all Dave wants to do is 'go hunting'.

Dave: I wanna hunt something.
Rest of Party: Alright but we're not going to just sit around while you ride off with a wild hare up your ass. If you go hunting, we're leaving your ass behind.
Dave (to Me): Can they do that?
Me: Yeah. The general concept is you can do whatever you want. If you want to go off on your own you can.
Dave: Ugh, this sucks. I still want to go hunting...

>>4690260

It continued on through like 2 days of in game travel with nothing happening due to randomly determined encounter rolls all coming up 'Clear weather; no encounters'. Finally his whining grates on me enough that I'm just like 'Alright, fine. While you're riding through the forest a [insert description block of a Dire Boar here] busts through the undergrowth and barrels down at you. Roll initiative.' Boar gets initiative and I'm already pissed at Dave and he's thankfully riding tailguard so I have the boar gore his horse. Roll damage. Gored it to death. Dave makes his Ride check to not get caught under the poor beast. Battle ensues. First round is mostly the party trying to get into position for a rear attack and Dave pitifully trying to attack the beastie. Second round, boar gores Dave. Drops him to like -5 HP. I'm thinking 'Good, now maybe he'll shut the fuck up about hunting.' The frontliners get in and start to deal with the Boar while the Cleric gets around and keeps Davey-boy alive. Everyone tells him to just 'stay down and don't get yourself killed'. So what does he do? Stands up and stabs the boar in the ass. The way I run animals, they attack whatever attacked them last. So the boar rips him a new one, killing him outright on the next round.

>>4690265

Battle cleans up pretty quietly after that and now I've got Dave questioning me.
Dave: So now what?
Me: You're dead. You can reroll a new character and try to find a way to get involved with the party or see if they're willing to fork up coin to get your resurrected. (They did wrap up and gentle repose his body as I recall).
Dave: Oh, no, that's okay. Y'see, I'll just have my twin brother who has all the same skills and gear as me ride out from the town to meet up with them at the ruins.
Me: No. You won't. You don't have a twin brother.
Dave (scribbling madly on his background notes): Yes I do, see?
Me: Dave, you're dead. You don't have a twin. You're out for now.

He proceeded to try and argue with me until the person hosting the game just told him to leave his house.

Additionally, he was one of those people that wanted to game but didn't want anyone to know he was playing D&D. Whenever he was on the phone with his skank girlfriend he'd be all like 'Guys, be quiet. I don't want her to know what I'm doing.' and then go about telling her he was just 'hanging out' with some friends watching tv, like roleplaying was somehow going to lower his social status.

>>4690266
Yeah, sounds like a real winner.

>>4690260
>never bathed

>>4690265
>>4690266

>his girlfriend

WAT

>>4690387
Winner is you

In my online 4e DnD group, we had this guy that I'll call Ron at the moment.

Now, for most of us, DM included, this was our first time playing DnD at all. We ran a simple campaign in Kobold Hall to get the hang of our characters, the rules, and all that jazz.

Unlike the rest of us, Ron has played DnD before, but he's only played 3.5

So we all murder the shit out of the first group of kobolds, and rest in the dungeon. We take shifts to keep watch. One after another, the players have shitty perception rolls, including the mage of the group rolling a natural 1.

The tiefling's turn comes up, and he not only has a good bonus to perception, but he rolls up a natural 20. He hears people whispering near the dungeon entrance, and goes to investigate.

Now, at this point, some of the characters were awake. The paladin, mage, and Ron were all awake because they had taken little damage and didn't use any skills.

So the Tiefling is sitting on the steps, trying REALLY HARD to listen into the conversation that's being whispered a few feet away, and is just blowing away the perception checks.

And that's when Ron just has to know what's going on.

Continued from >>4690399


Ron walks up to the tiefling, and starts basically going "WHAT DO YOUR TIEFLING EARS HEAR" over and over. The tiefling ignores him, trying to listen, and he just keeps asking.

Eventually we learn that we were not the only ones sent to Kobold Hall, and this other group that we dubbed Ant-Party had shown up to kill everything inside the dungeon. Maybe even us.

Sadly, Ron is the only one with a decent diplomacy and bluff score.

My character and the mage are told to wake the people who're still asleep, and we get to it. Ron is sent out to negotiate with these people, while everyone else sets up an ambush in case he fails.

Ron rolls to bluff, and just barely blows it. Everyone waiting in ambush draws their weapons, prepares for a fight...And Ron rolls again. The DM doesn't know what the fuck. He didn't plan for this, but decides to just go along with it.

...20 minutes of rolling later, the DM decides to just have Anti-Party walk away. Ron isn't going to let that happen. He keeps rolling and trying to talk them into leaving, after they've said "Fuck it, we're leaving."

I hear that right after this incident, Ron got on AIM and threw a huge shitfit at the DM over everyone else preparing an ambush and thinking to resort to violence.

>>4690387
Ever heard of people from Alabama?

Not a bather among them, but they still breed.

>>4690387

When you have no standards anyone will do. The last girl I remember him being with was a snaggle-tooth, wheelchair bound, fat cow of a human being.

>>4690241

It really should be.

>>4685194

I don't get it. You tell him he has to cross this river...Then punish him when he tries to do so?

Goddamn I am glad you're not my DM.

D&D game, although I am new at this, I play with people that play it often, and it's a big party (8-9) people playing, so I guess it's gonna be fun. We all play different role, and the DM is some girl I know.

Now she makes everyone but me start off in the same city, meet up and decide to go raid a dungeon, while I am obliged to go ... cut the grass ? What ? (I lived in a hierachy-based house, long story)

So the game goes on, me doing worthless things, them getting mass exp point, and afther 3 dungeons they finnaly get to me, but the DM makes my servant attack them, and so they attack me. I manage to barely survive, only to be senteced under trial by my ''master'' who kills me.

I then do a bard who joins the party, all goes well for a dungeon, and we go trough a cave of ''Ashranor''. The now dubbed insane DM makes those self-made creature walk at intense speed, speak giberish and being utterly random. What was done here took years, was stupid and advanced nothing, but at the end I made my caracther said : This was a waste of time, and then suddently the Ashranor attack us. Yeah, they attack with soccerballs that can 1-shot kill us. Half the party died, and never came back into the game.

I learned later that girl was angry at me for saying her version of RPG maker was 2003, while she claimed it was 2000, probably to get over her incompetence with the game.

Not really a stupid moment so much as an unlucky/lucky one. Sequence of events was like this:

I'm playing an Orc Barbarian with a falchion. Fellow PC, who was a paladin or a fighter or something (he died a lot, so I don't actually remember who he was at the time), charges at a group of three orcs.
He hits one for some respectable damage but it's still standing.
On this same round I finish off whatever enemy I was fighting on the other side of the room.

Next round, the orcs all full attack him and he takes a bunch of hits, falling to the ground on about -3hp, bleeding out.
I charge at the orcs to try and save him. I power attack for as much as I can (I had that feat that lets you take an AC penalty instead of an attack roll penalty when I power attacked on a charge)...
and I roll a 1 on my attack.
The GM used a "critical miss" table, so I roll a d%. I get a ninety-something: Critical hit on nearest ally.
It was hardly worth rolling damage, but I do it anyway and deal about 40 points of damage...
Group rofls at this guys continuing bad luck and I say "Can I cleave?"
DM rules that sure, I can (the visual I get is of my swinging at the orc like a golfer, busting through my friends fallen body as I go).
I hit the orc that he wounded - and finish it off.
Cleave again - this time I get a 16, which is a critical threat. I confirm, and kill that orc too.
Last enemy, I hit and, what with full power attack and all, kill it in one.
My none-too-bright Orc whoops in victory! "You're safe now, friend!" he says as he grabs his 'wounded' ally by the arm to drag him to his feet... I ended up holding his arm, shoulder and head (having bisected him from armpit to opposite shoulder). Oops.

>>4690772
That sounds like it worked out IC. Good job there.

>>4690586
shes a retard. you should kill her

>>4690772
That's awesome.

First game of D&D, I was still fairly new to the whole fantasy Genre.
We were fighting some kobolds and we come a long hall way.
So I say "i run to the other side of the room".
got hit by about 7 traps and died but at least I cleared it for the rest of my party.

>>4690772
that's frigging amazing, and hilarious

>>4690772
I lol'd so hard, well done good sir.

My first game of D&D was some 2nd ed/3.0 hybrid as the DM was trying to transition to the then-new edition. Friend of mine joined the game, also his first game. I was playing a Bard and he was playing a Thief. Came into the game as a traveling entertainers duo who had been working together for a while, running a 'the Bard fascinated the crowd while the Thief picks everyone's pockets' kind of deal. I'd taken Color Spray for when things went bad I could blast the angry people and we could run like hell. The DM thought this was amusing as thus our characters entered the game only to be captured and jailed early on. In trying to get out of said jail we implemented Color Spray with coup de grace on everything that got knocked out cold by the spell. This worked exactly once. Every time we tried to use it from then on it was more as a desperation move than anything and the Thief would ALWAYS be in the spell AOE and would ALWAYS fail his Save vs. Spell. Happened some like ten times or more before it finally ended in our death.

>>4690977
See, in my game, we would immediately reclaim the body, and start calling ourselves something after the character that died.

Mark's Marauders, or Bantam's Brothers.

>>4691212
It was kind of embarrassing actually, I didnt know that Kobolds loved traps. Even after I said it I saw a few other party members sniggering.
Didnt realise why until after all the traps went off

>>4683179
But any idiot that plays a game (especially one in a more modern or futuristic tone) that's not "Kill all, always" and carries his deadly weaponry around among civilians, or in situations that you'd find it inappropriate deserves what's coming for him.

I have an interesting group for the fantasy game Eon coming up, it consists of my GF (playing a mafia-rogue-ish character with a cat familiar),a man I consider something of a big-brother figure (playing an "arabian" warrior with "an attitude of suicidal redemption", as his last mission ended up with his employer dying and him getting banished), one old-time female friend who hasn't decided yet, the girlfriend of the player I'm going to mention last (she's probably going for some sort of medical role), and finally her boyfriend, playing a gnome.

And since this is a Swedish game and setting, which has many influences drawn from nordic folklore, this isn't a three-foot guy with a beard who likes technology. No, this is a ten-inch garden gnome who lives in a treestump he calls "the chub-stump" in one of the greater forests. Now, I gave him green light for this, as I know he's a great roleplayer, but I'm not counting on him surviving for very long, unfortunately, as the big-bad world isn't known for taking very kindly to magically adept little men that eat blueberries, smoke different strange substances, and are able to curse people with a seven-word long rhyme. And the system is one focusing on realism, so it's not just the setting, but the system that is against him succeeding very well in civilisation, but I'm mentioning this because I believe I will have some great stories, good or bad, in a few weeks.

Oh hell yeah man, my players where attacked by a treant near a beach they had stranded, 2 of the pcs got knocked out, the cleric tried to heal them while the rogue followed the treant into.... a fucking forest

I mean alright not every forest ist full of treants, but dude, i had to make it happen

Many years ago I was involved in a Shadowrun campaign. One of the players was a nice enough guy, but about as bright as a bag of sand. His biggest problem was that he had an annoying habit of using hand grenades almost as melee weapons. I'm sure you can imagine the fun. I know of another player in an AD&D campaign who AFTER having had the spell fireball explained to him in lurid detail, proceeded to use it at point blank range, wiping out half the party.

I succeeded in burning down the house we were supposed to be exploring by kicking a door in, shattering the lit oil-lamp located on the other side.

Did I mention that it was a cartographer's workshop?

The Saga of Zack: Part 1

So were playing Shadowrun. A friend of mine, lets call him Zack, is known for playing psychopathic characters, and in attempt to prove that he can do otherwise he made a "good character." Zack needed some spare cash between runs, so he went on the matrix looking for some odd jobs. Unfortunately he rolled a critical glitch. When he showed up at the location there were a bunch of cameras set up and a hot girl on a bed. The director told Zack to fuck the girl, and like any heterosexual man in his position he did. After fucking the girl for a while the director told Zack to strangle the girl to death and, unlike any decent professional criminal, rather than killing the crew in disgust he complied. He then proceeded to torture a bum to death and then fuck a teenage boy and then chop his dick of and let him bleed to death. Then the crew went on site for the final scene of the movie. They broke into the house of some single mother and had Zack rape the woman. Unfortunately the woman's son heard her screaming and came in to investigate. This is where Zack goes above and beyond the call of duty. He rapes the son, tears the kids arm off, and then chokes the mother to death with the kids arm. After he gets his payment he buys a shit load of roofies to erase his memory.

The Saga of Zack: Part 2

Unfortunately the group's hacker was watching the entire thing through Zack's cyber eyes, and was appaled. He made a video compelation of Zack's escapades in the land of snuff and sent it to him once he woke up from his roofie trip. When Zack's character saw what he had done he went a little crazy. On their next mission the team was asked to poach a couple of endangered bears. After they had killed one of the bears, Zack took out his monofiliment chainsaw and started mutilating the bear's body. The mounties that were on patrol in the are heard what was going on and went to investigate. The rest of the party hid, but Zack went on mutilating. The mounties saw him and promptly shot him with hunting rifles. Zack critically glitched his damage resisitance test, causing his grenades to explode and his immediate death.

TL;DR Man rapes woman, son. Kills woman with son’s arm. Man shot by Mounties.

>>4693811
>>4693803

That man sounds like one evil bastard who will eventually end up in hell one day.

Ok so I was DMing a game once and the PC's are walking along and they see a man being chased by 3 ogres... they charge in and start combat with the ogres.

While combat is going on the man who has been running for quite a while decides to rest. They finally kill the ogres and regroup at the man to find out what's going on... after screaming/threatening the man to give them answers (someone let the 5cha barb do the talking) the NPC decides that this group is just as bad as the ogres and takes off, at this point the elf archer decides the best way to stop the NPC (who his player adds obviously has a quest for us) is to shoot him with his bow.... So the 8th level warrior who is fully an archer... fires an arrow.... hits the level 1 commoner NPC in the back with a crit and rolls a perfect 8 on his d8....

i was nearly crying at this point.

My group and I were playing 3.5, and I was DM. A friend of mine rolled a munchkin character named Drod the Druid. The son of a bitch had Vow of Poverty, and he was a Planar Shepherd. I don't think I even need to say how powerful the bastard was.

Anyway, the group was down in an undead dungeon, and they were swarmed with a shit ton of skeletons and ghouls. They were fairly high levels at this point, so it was really meant to be a quick time wasting encounter. Well, a Bodak appears. Mr. Planar Shepherd, in the form of an angel, decides to fly at the monster to try and kill it. Well, the thing does its fun little insta-death stare. He rolls his Fort save, and ends up rolling it so it was tilted, making it somewhat hard to read. We all called "crease" on it, and as such he had to reroll... and he rolled a one. His level 16 Planar Shepherd, in the form of a GOD DAMN ANGEL, got insta-killed by a CR 11.

He promptly burned his character sheet in our friend's wood stove.

>>4686736
>Honestly you sound like a douche acting out your repressed angst from being picked on high school on this poor guy just because he might not be the brightest bulb or might not grasp your game as well as everybody else.
HAHAHA, no.

The point of the story was about STUPID PLAYERS. yes I admit I was being a dick. But this was the end of the line for us. We wanted him gone, he annoyed us and he didn't get it when he was talked to about it. So, what was left? Slow irritation until roleplaying was uncomfortable. That's what we decided. And I do mean WE as a group.

I guess after a story like that advertising that additional players are welcomed seems a bit pompous on my behalf, but our group does invite others frequently and I have to deal with noobs on a regular basis. Even after this.
There are some people who want so desperately to get along that you grind and grind against the irritation and try to find a way to make it work. We ground ourselves to nubs honestly.

>>4694220

Never mind, Bodaks are CR 8, which is even worse.

Okay.

So I'm playing in this group that's basically playing Call of Cthulhu, in a published adventure - I don't know what it's called, but I know it's one of the biggest out there. We're on an expedition to Antarctica, led by professional expeditioner James Starkweather, for Miskatonic University.

So we're on this boat heading down, and as we cross the equator all the ship's crew start acting weird. They're acting defensive, taking packages of things back and forth to locked rooms, et cetera. So of course we're all getting pretty paranoid because, hey, it's friggin Cthulhu. Finally all of the expedition members are called up to the deck.

>>4694315
The end?
I mean, you never know, it's CoC.

my first 3.0 experience was with a terribad DM with players that probably didn't know better.

Like, say, his Goblin enemies with amulets of True Strike, that only worked for them and not for the PCs, and he also used a critical roll chart for gruesomeness. He COUNTER True Strike as a critical hit. People died en masse.

And on another game, he sicked about 1.5 million evil Satyrs and a Barghest against a bunch of level 1 and 2 PCs, who were SUPPOSED to put a gem on the altar to weaken the boss. By supposed I mean that he was the only one that knew about it. TPK. Satyrs promptly commit snuff with female PCs.

Another game. PCs enter a temple to rest. Temple is dedicated to a god of sex or something. All PCs were promptly seduced (with or without player consent) into sexual acts. Those that DIDN'T consent had to roll Fort, or PERMANENTLY LOSE HALF THEIR HIT POINTS and FUCK OVER THEIR STATS.

It's at this point where me and a few others just look at the dude and go 'restore those back of we destroy you.'. He did :|

... and then there was the boss with multiple forms that possesed PCs without a save. Or the 5 PCs against an entire army of orcs with flamethrowers, where creative attempts to make the orcs blow themselves up were discouraged (aka orcs immune to fire). Mind you, this is after the characters were supposed to have put together an alliance to FIGHT armies like these, which were... uh... suddenly unavailable. Yeah.

... God, why did we play under that guy for so long :(

>>4694581
I don't know why either, Anon.

What did you do when you finally left?

>>4694400

not >>4694315 but I'm going to guess what happens

1. Deep Ones and/or shoggoths swarm onto the deck, everyone dies
2. wave of oblivion hits the ship, everyone fails to hold on and dies
3. Big monster shows up, players get a chance to not die, screw up, everyone dies
4. all of the above (everyone dies)

> ok, maybe some of them just go insane

>>4686339
don't lump us normal Christians in with the batshit-insane people who believe in creationism and similarly retarded things.

>>4695049
Leave creationism out of it. I'm a creationist, and still know that Jack Chick is a loony who doesn't do his homework, not to mention a raging bigot.

>>4695140
yeah you're just slightly less loony then he is

>>4694813

I believe I began to DM a campaign of my own. Which wans't a bad experience, but I think I was so angry at the HAR HAR PCS DIE EASY attitude of the other DM that I was way too lenient.

>>4695140
>believing the stuff Jack Chick believes is MUCH crazier than believing that god made shit in 7 days 6000 years ago! :awesome:

>>4695049
Frankly, normal christians also believe in plenty of ridiculous and/or vile shit. Like Hell, or prayer.

>>4695391
This is the first edition war ever.

>>4695411
I never fail to be amazed by the people who insist that the KJV is the ONE TRUE VERSION OF THE BIBLE.

>>4695140
>I'm a creationist
>Jack Chick is a loony who doesn't do his homework

Pot, meet Kettle.

Can this thread turn into a stupid player/awesome moment thread now, please?

(pic related)

>>4696187

That is so fucking awesome. I wouldn't classify it as dumb whatsoever. That shit is epic.