My name is Dug, I live in a box, my favorite color is clear...

>>3813039
Thank you for that information, Dug. So, are you calling in to report heresy and witchcraft in your area?

>>3813056
My neighbor lets his stupid grox roam about the yard instead of tying it up like a good lobotomized giant reptilian creature and it ate some of my Cadian daffodils!

That's heretical, right?

Hi, I'm looking for one Peror, Matt. Is M. Peror there with you?

>>3813072
So I understand that your neighbor left a grox unsupervised in your local habitation zone. Alright, let me just ask you some questions so I can isolate the source of the heresy.

Did the grox exhibit any strange behaviors and physical attributes...besides the normal strange behaviors and physical attributes that grox usually exhibit?

Did the neighbor in question utter words that he does not usually say when he is in your company?

Do you experience any form of nausea and sense of foreboding when you approach your neighbor's house?

Do you like Phil Collins? I've been a big Genesis fan ever since the release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that, I really didn't understand any of their work. Too artsy, too intellectual. It was on Duke where Phil Collins' presence became more apparent. I think Invisible Touch was the group's undisputed masterpiece. It's an epic meditation on intangibility. At the same time, it deepens and enriches the meaning of the preceding three albums. Christy, take off your robe. Listen to the brilliant ensemble playing of Banks, Collins and Rutherford. You can practically hear every nuance of every instrument. Sabrina, remove your dress. In terms of lyrical craftsmanship, the sheer songwriting, this album hits a new peak of professionalism. Sabrina, why don't you, uh, dance a little. Take the lyrics to Land of Confusion. In this song, Phil Collins addresses the problems of abusive political authority. In Too Deep is the most moving pop song of the 1980s, about monogamy and commitment. The song is extremely uplifting. Their lyrics are as positive and affirmative as anything I've heard in rock. Christy, get down on your knees so Sabrina can see your asshole. Phil Collins' solo career seems to be more commercial and therefore more satisfying, in a narrower way. Especially songs like In the Air Tonight and Against All Odds. Sabrina, don't just stare at it, eat it. But I also think Phil Collins works best within the confines of the group, than as a solo artist, and I stress the word artist. This is Sussudio, a great, great song, a personal favorite.

>>3813105
I'm sorry, Mr. Peror is not available at the moment. Tell you what, as compensation for not being able to assist you further with your request, I have forwarded your issue to your local Arbiter. Just approach him, and say BLACK SHIP, and he'll provide you with a fitting compensation.

>>3813114
Uh, most of the time they don't eat my daffodils because they're locked up where they belong.

He told me to fuck off when I complained to him and he usually doesn't talk to me at all

And he's pretty ugly so yes I get nauseous when I approach him

>>3813148
Alright, aversion to barging into secured plantation locations, a clear sign of abnormal Grox behavior.

Neighbor exhibiting isolationist sociopathic behavior. Possibly hiding heretical materials...but I don't want to assume things...unless he's a heretic in disguise.

Ugly? Any abnormal growths or somesuch displayed by the neighbor in question?

>>3813141
Hello? I did as you asked and the Arbiter started cowering in fear and screaming "WHERE? WHERE?" Did I do something wrong?

>>3813208
Ah, I do apologize for that. Include the word ME after saying BLACK SHIP. So the passphrase is BLACK SHIP ME. Sometimes, a word can make a big difference. You'll know if you're doing it right if the Arbiter will nod, and take you to the 'happy fun room'.

i like were this thread is going

Yeah, hey. Look, I have a complaint.

I've been living in this hab-block for twenty years. Twenty years in my own little box working 18 hour days for our glorious Emperor. I don't mind that. I wish it was 19 hours but I have to fit in mandatory sleep and prayer times so I accept that.

But anyway, I'm complaining because for the fifth time this month a bunch of black clad Holy Astartes have kicked in my door, burned my carpet into ashes and punched all my furniture inside out because they think there's an Eldar hiding in there.

Now, I know them Xenos are tricky things but if those pirates ever came into my tiny little box I'm pretty sure I'd notice. I can understand the first, maybe second time but it's getting really hard to concentrate on prayer time when the ashes of their last sweep choke the room up.

Can you please sort out whether they have the right address or not? If I've got Eldar in my walls I'd rather request a transfer to a new block or something.

>>3813410
I understand that fulfilling the will of the glorious Emperor can be taxing on the nerves, but rest assured that the consequences of an unchecked xenos infestation will cause far more devastation than a few dents in your hab-block.

Tell you what, I'll put in a request to have you transferred to another hab-block. General turnaround times for this are usually thirty to forty years, but if I can expedite this, this will only take twenty to twenty five years to resolve. Let me ask my supervisor first. Please stay on the line. I'll be putting you on hold for around...one or two minutes.

-thirty minutes of hold music composed of chants to the Glorious God-Emperor-

Thank you for patiently waiting, sir. Unfortunately, I could not get a supervisor on line, as the majority of them are currently dealing with matters that are beyond your pitiful...-cough-...important stuff that's Inquisition-related. So I'll be processing a regular transfer form. To ensure security for you and for the rest of your fellow hivemates, your block has now been tagged as Xeno Uninhabitus, as a Purgation ship has now been dispatched to your location. Please do not try to enter your house, as anti-intrusion devices have already been activated, and your pitiful...I mean meaningful service to the Emperor will be, sadly, cut short.

So if you don't have any more questions, thank you for calling Inquisition Customer Support, and have a great day in service to the God-Emperor!

hi, i just ravaged an eldar. i'm afraid i might catch something. is there anyone you'd recommend?

>>3813831
Report to your nearest Imperial Guard regiment and inform the Commissar that you have broken Edict #3677.

He will know what to do.

>>3813831
Thank you for calling us with your concern. Now, depending on when you performed said ravaging...hold on, let me consult my notes... -moment of silence, punctuated by bolter shell fire in the distance- ...Ah, there we go. Now, if the time between this call and the ravaging was at most two hours, apply a handful of promethium to all affected areas and let it stand over an open flame for sixty minutes. That should clean the xeno infection. But if it's more than two hours, then the infection may have progressed to a worser condition.

Not to worry. We have specialists who can help you with this. I do have a number for you to dial if that were the case: 1-800-PURGEMENOW. That's 1-800-P-U-R-G-E-M-E-N-O-W. Their specialists are highly trained to deal with long-term xeno infections and will be sure to cure you of your affliction.

Now if there is nothing else, thank you for calling Inquisition Customer Support, and serve the Emperor most faithfully!

>>3813831

LIIVI? Wait a moment please while we send Grey Knights to your location.

>>3813854
Hmm...records show a LIIVI as the registered caller here, based on the caller ID. Not to worry, I'll escalate this call to my supervisor. I'll be putting him on the line shortly, so please stay on the line for a minute or two.

-five seconds of chorus-

Alright, I have my supervisor here. His name is Malleus, and he'll be taking over this call. Thank you for calling Inquisition Customer Support.

OI! IZ YUR REFRIGARATER RUNNIN? IF IT IZ YOU BETTA YOU CATCH IT!

Vlad Baldawg 98763142. My neighbor says Emperor is sexy. What should I think about it?

Excuse me, I recently saw my neighbours perform blasphemous rites to nameless dark gods, but am unable to find sufficient proof for my local Arbitration House to take the proper steps.
Under the circumstances then, is it perhaps best that I set fire to their homes and murder anyone or anything that tries to escape personally?
I am hopeful that in the aftermath, proof vindicating my actions will soon come to light.

My name and citizen number? My name and citizen number? TANKRED ENDURES!

They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!
They're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa
To the Black Ships! Where life is beautiful all the time and I'll be
happy to see those nice young men with their skull insignia and they're
coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!!!!

Yo hey! This is -garbled- of the Red Rivers Regiment! Yeah we got this number off some dude covered in scrolls'n'stuff and he wasn't using it now he's dead and all but we wanna let you know that Carsonejin is in safe hands. Tentacles? No wait we just had a new ruler kill the old new ruler who killed the old ruler.

Huh? Hold on a second here.

WHAT? WHAT? OH! I'LL LET THEM KNOW!

New Planetary Governor Kharn just wants to let you know he's changed the tithing produced by the planet to skulls. We're going to start shooting them into orbit shortly.

WHAT?

Oh hey he wanted to let you know also that you don't need to bother bombing the planet cause he'll probably end up killing us all-wait what?

-click-

(muffled laughter)
Ex...excuse me, do you have Princeps Albertus in a can?
(more muffled laughter, snorting)

I just accidentally a Sorietas Chapter house. Is this bad?

(Because someone had to.)

Oh hey, I am here to inquiring about- WHAT ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!?

Hey hey, hold this shit right here! I got another guy coming!

Hello? I think I'm an unsanctioned psyker? I'm not sure, though. You see, there was Tyranid hive fleet in orbit, I thought about what they looked like on fire, and suddenly they were. Is this a normal expression of my Faith in the God Emperor?

>>3813934

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!?

>>3813898
Heh heh. Good one, sir. Unfortunately, I don't have a refridgeratus anywhere near me, but I suspect that maybe your refridgeratus may be the one running away?

Anyway -chuckle- if there is nothing heretical to report, I will be sending an Inquisitorial squad to compensate for your time lost making this call. Thank you for calling Inquisition Customer Support, and have a very orky time.

>>3813899
That depends on what is his intent when he said sexy. If by 'sexy', he means that he worships the glorious strength of our beloved Emperor, then by all means, join him in exultation of His divine strength. Now if he meant it as a sexual defilement of an icon of our Emperor, then please proceed to the nearest Mercy Stockhouse. The nearest one to you according to my records...would be Stockhouse 153-31B-D. Request for a 'Mercy-giver set', and follow the instructions contained therein. Give them this case number 2534785368003978954093267421. Once again, thank you for your vigilance and thank you as well for calling Inquisition Customer Support.

>>3813903
Good work, citizen. Perhaps you would be interested in applying for a position in our company? Benefits would include above-average salary, SMITINGS, the chance to travel the universe, SMITINGS, meeting new people and races, SMITINGS, encountering new and wonderful and terrible phenomena, SMITINGS, and the chance to be a hero to the Imperium!

Oh, and did I mention the SMITINGS that you can dole out?

Not to worry. An Inquisitor has already taken this case number and is already en route to your location. Please prepare all of your personal effects, as you will be drafte...invited to his Squad within...twenty minutes.

>>3813933
You accidentially what?

Help me, Inquisition help line, I think I'm too faithful for my planet. You see, one of my neighbours was a heretic. So, as I had to purge him, as my service to the God-Emperor. But then, I realised his neighbour was a heretic too! He'd been looking at my hab-modules garden-unit strangely, just like my other neighbour, and watering his garden unit at night. So I purged him, with lasgun fire and promethium.

Well, to cut a long story short, I am now the only living Human on my planet. Do you think I am too faithful, or should I attempt to join the Inquisition?

>>3813933

...

Sir.

Sir.

Did they moan.

Come on you lucky bastard, tell me

>>3813963
Well, yes. And there was a lot of eyes rolling back into heads.

Did I do bad?

I think my roommate is a Chaos Space Marine. He keeps dragging screaming people into his room and chanting what sounds like blasphemous rituals! He's covered in scars, piercings and has to bend double to fit in the hab module. How can I tell for sure?

Unfortunately, I have to end my shift now. I've already spent most of my overtime hours. Any more than that, and the boss would no longer give me my bonus. But I'm sure that there are other agents on the line who are more than willing to assist you with your issues.

((Need to sleep, guys. If this thread stays alive, I'll try to render further call center assistance.))

Mr, irrelevant, I have recently discovered that my daughter wishes to become a member of the Adeptus Astartes when she grows up. How can I lower her expectations without hurting her feelings, she is quite adamant about serving the emperor to the fullest and killing things, but she refuses to consider joining a Adepta Sororitas convent as she finds the sisters there "Creepy" and she has been banned from the local imperial guard recruiting station after hospitalizing several recruiters after the rejected her (women are not allowed to serve in this systems regiments)... twice. (the second time in disguise. Help me! I'm at my wits end with her.

Ah hello, this is agri-worker #8675309, I think there may be Orks running about in my garde-
*KLONG!*
(Muttered grumbling, a sound of someone being dragged away)
Eh, dis e're's da 'umie, evvritin' is good ta go, no reason ta call 'dem Ordo Xenoez' boyz. No orky kommandoz 'ere, by da zoggin' Emprah. Wuz just a weaponz malfunkshun, datz all. Ev'ryting's fine 'ere. 'Ow 're you?

>Not to worry. An Inquisitor has already taken this case number and is already en route to your location. Please prepare all of your personal effects, as you will be drafte...invited to his Squad within...twenty minutes.

Oh good, I'll buy some smores, we can cook them on the bonfire.

>>3814010
Star Wars references, fuck yeah!

*brofist*

www.headsethotties.com

>>3814010
Oh, sir. Everything is just fine on my end. In fact, it's quite toasty. Now, if you'll just look up, you'll notice the hovering Thunderhawk that is dropping a penitent engine to help you repent for wasting our time.
Have a nice day!

>>3814000
Well, sir, you obviously have a faithful daughter. However, she's obviously a foul, chaos tainted spawn for wishing to join the Most Holy Brotherhood of the Astartes. Wait until she is asleep, cover her in holy promethium and your daughter will be spick, span and ready to serve the Emperor in her own unique way the next morning.

>>3814026
...that's a site. An actual site.

Sweet Monkey Jesus, does EVERYTHING have a fetish now?

>>3814036

Oi!
Diz is demz Ghaz.. i ment G.M Uruk.
I'r lookin dat M.Peror, i herd hes got stuckin' somewhere, and i got LOTS OF BOYZ da get stuckin wiff dat umie too.
So where we can finda M.Peror?

>>3813970
Does he own a suit of armour covered in blasphemous runes that sear themselves into your eye? Yes? Hm. Does he like playing music at high volume? Or does he leave the kitchen covered in the remains of his cooking? Do you seem to be covered in growths of some sort? Has a bloodthirster emerged from your bathroom recently? Yes? Well, well, sir. You appear to have a GENUINE Traitor Marine within your hab module! Congratulations! One last question - does he have a topknot, and does he complain of being held back in his crusades? Also, does he have an enormous star shaped pile of rock in his parking space? Yes? We've just dispatched an Astartes Terminator squad to your location to help you with your Abaddon problem. Please prepare for their arrival by opening all doors and windows and placing a sign reading "Chaos Marine" on the door of your roommate, and then apply the Holy Promethium to yourself and stand over and open flame to remove the taint of Chaos. Have a nice day!

>>3814050
Oh, sir. You should know from mandatory education that the Emperor is to be found on Holy Terra, guarded by the Adeptus Custodes in His Palace! Please pack your belongings and prepare for mandatory re-education to correct your lack of knowledge of the Emperor! Our Inquisitorial squad will be at your home in mere moments to transport you to the "Super Duper" learning centre, where you will spend a FABULOUS six months with somel ight education and heavy labour.

Um, Gunner Jergan has commandeered my home and is now sleeping on my couch. He refuses to wash his dishes or do the laundry and he just sleeps on the couch eating all my food.

I've tried to contact Commissar Cain, but apparently he's currently singlehandedly assaulting the Eye of Terror and I can't seem to reach him.

What should I do?

>>3814064
Don't worry, ma'am, we have procedures. I'm going to need you to report to hab-spire 9-D. Once there, proceed to floor 854, room 32-A. Inside, tell the cheerful looking gentlemen behind the desk (If he is not, he'll be wearing a peaked hat with the Holy Eagle and a large coat, carrying a chainsword and a bolter) that you "lack faith" and "seek to redeem yourself". This is actually secret code amongst the Guard and he will then return with you to your home to take care of Jergan.

>>3814064
If you mean Gunner Jurgen, press 1.

If you mean Gunter Jorgan, press 2.

If you mean Ghuhnkarlorgen, report to your nearest Arbites precinct.

>>3814084
Oh, um.... One.

>>3814084
One please

Um... yeah, I'm a shopkeeper in Stern Hope on Iocanthos... A group of acolytes just stormed in here, threatened my life, and stole most of my merchandise...

>>3814818

Your stores wares have been taken to serve the Emperor, praise him for you still live.

>>3814818
Very good sir, thank you for your request. As you may already be aware, the cost of Inquisition commandeered goods are reimbursed by the local planetary government. Please go to your local administratum center, fill out form 2091-D, and wait six to eight years for reimbursement.

Oh, and checking my records, it appears that our Inquisitorial forces were purging a chaos cult in your area, and you should have been taken and pur- I mean, taken in for questioning already, along with the rest of your neighborhood. Please remain where you are, a squad of Arbites working in conjunction with the inquisition is on it's way.

Remember, noncompliance with the Inquisition isn't just a crime, it's also Heresy.

>>3815880
Well...okay, I guess I'll just go quietly then. *pounding on the door is heard in background* Okay, I've got to go now, thanks. Bye!

>>3815899
Thank you, and have a Heresy free day!

>>3813029
Hey. Is your refrigerator running?

>>3815947
No, it's standing quite still.

>>3815947
Please note that refrigerators do not "run". They operate by the will of the Omnissiah, as described in the book of Mechanicus, chapter five, verse 14-32, book of operations.

Further note that if your refrigerator has grown legs and is running around of it's own volition, this is a very likely sign that there may be heresy in your locale. As a precaution, we have traced this call and are initiating orbital bombardment. Please remain where you are as we attempt to fix the issue of heresy in progress.

Remember, only YOU can prevent Heretical prank calls.

>>3815947

Shit, I thought I had the Slaanesh Sexy Sluts Hotline. Sorry!

>>3816020
Not to worry sir, this is a common mistake and is, in fact, the correct number. Please list the number, type, and manner of Heresy you wish to commit, and stand by while we send out the Inquisi - er, Slaaneshi party van to collect you for your free prize!

Yes, Inquisition Helpdesk? Yeah, its Khan again. I tried your directions to take a left at the Black Library but it didn't work. You sure you guys can't find somewhere to grab me and the rest of my party? This is getting ridiculous.

>>3816076
Ah, yes sir, Mr. Khan sir. Your mistake was taking a LEFT at the eye of terror. You should have gone straight in.
(Muffled laughing in the background)
You'll find several of your fellow Primarchs already there.

>>3816096
IT was the Inquisition all along

>>3816096
Very well then! Forward men! Thanks, and I'll be sure to bring back that autographed Emperor's pauldron he gave me before *ahem* certain events.

>>3816133
Very good sir, say hello to Leman Russ for us.
(More muffled laughter in the back ground)

Hello? I was promised a fabulous three day vacation on this fancy black starship. That was two months ago and they just won't let me leave! I want to make a complaint!

Hi, My son came from outside the habitat-block crying and screaming about skeletons in the desert. I've already properly administered discipline in accordance with His Holy Emperor: Guide to raising non-heretical Children, but then someone from 3 sectors down claimed to have seen the same thing. What should I do?

>>3816207
Sir, I am happy to inform you that you have won a fabulous prize! You are blessed among the people of the Imperium and will get to see a sight many spend generations attempting to see! That's right, you will see and stand on Holy Terra itself! As you have been selected for training as a sanctioned psyker, you will get to spend your time receiving the finest accommodations the Imperium cares to provide. If you are truly blessed by the Emperor, you may get to join any of 10,000 others in getting to see the Golden Throne itself!

>>3816211
You are mistaken, sir. There are no walking skeletons. You see no green glow. There are no pillars or monoliths. Please assemble your community and enter into one of our special ships, ready to send you on a vacation to Venus, and ignore anyone wearing Ordo Xenos insignia in your area.

rolled 60 = 60

I recently tried to tune my personal transportation vehicle to save some gas, but now I have these strange fellows in red robes knocking on ma front door! They look sorta official, should I let them in?

>>3816303

Well citizen, that ultimately depen--KKRRZZZZEEE +++ YES, FLESHY CALLER LET THEM IN. THEY BRING FOODSTUFFS DESIGNATED AS *rustle of paperwork, sound of whispering* "DELICIOUS CAKE, HIGH GRADE". GO NOW AND REMEMBER TO BLESS THIS VOX UNIT IN THE NAME OF THE OMNISSIAH WHEN YOU ARE FINISHED WITH IT. +++

Uh, yeah... I have a rather hefty problem. See, there I was, relaxing, enjoying the quiet of the day under the Emperor's blessing and such, when this gang of about a half-dozen huge angry green guys break down my front door! They beat up my pet dog, ate the pot of stew and noodles I had been preparing for dinner, then stole my groundcruiser, hooting something about "RED WUNZ GO FASTA!"...

What do I do now? My dog is dead, my dinner's been eaten, and now I have no way to get to work so I can serve the Emperor's will tomorrow...

>>3816211
Can't you see they are conspiring with eachother? Your son is a heretic xeno mutant cultist and must be purged in the holy fire of your zeal. For the Emperor!

>>3816428
I was in the middle of listening/watching http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YTdUQvygDs while reading this.

Stop making me lol at the thought of AdMech filler music.

>>3816607
Hello? Helpdesk? Is anyone there?

>>3816761
Sorry for the delay, a regiment of Ordos Xenos has been dispatched to your hab block for cleansing. To speed up the process we recommend layering yourself with holy prometheum then standing next to your stove while waiting.

>>3813029
Hello?

My name is little Suzy EMPRAH-lover, can you patch me through to the EMPRAH please?

My daddy isnt moving anymore :(

>>3816607
They are simply green hooligans. Remain inside your home and do not go outside, ignore any sounds that you hear from the street. Do not attempt to put out any fires that may coincidentally start soon.

Cubicle 25444 is out of toilet paper. And in an unrelated report, there seems to be pages from "The Divine Son Reborn" a thorian pamphlet lodged in the ablutuionary waste extraction port.

BALLS DEEP IN RIPPERS. NEED HELP. - Scythes of the Emperor Chapter

>>3816821
Solution: remove balls.

>>3816821
Solution: stand up.

Good mornin'.
Yesterday i saw some strange little beardy men emerging from under the mountain. They wore horned helmets and operated some strange and ancien machinery with big wrenches.

>>3816821

Aren't you dead yet?

>>3816869

..... Huh, that worked... Than- OH GOD - MORE OF THEM

The only decent way to kill a thread is to kill it with your mind.

>>3816778
OK Suzy, I'm going to need you to stay where you are for awhile. A couple of friends dressed in Schola Progenium clothes are going to take care of you and your daddy from now on. You may not see him for awhile, but Emperor willing you won't ca- will be too concerned with pleasing the Sisters.

>>3818197
>pleasing the sisters

BOW CHICKA WOW WOW

My name is Pho and my citizen number is 384K1274LLL.

I think my son's teacher, Canoness Edna, is tainted by Chaos. Everyday, my son would come back from Schola Progenium and tell me how Canoness Edna play this game call "Socket Jam" and his willy feel funny. I have already filed a compliant with my local Adepta Sororitas but I haven't heard from them for more than six months. What can I do?

Helpline, how can I tell if I'm an unsanctioned psyker? I keep setting fire to things that irritate me, and hideous Emperor-cursed abominations keep spewing forth from my mouth and growing to hundred-foot tall monsters. I also set these on fire. Is this a sign of my faith in the Emperor?

>>3818792
Don't worry, sir. We're expediting your request now, and - no, wait! You've just been chosen to serve the EMperor in the Imperial Guard! Please remain where you are as our recruiters are deployed to your doorstep - or possibly through your roof. No need to worry about your son, he'll be "taken care of" by the sisters until it's time for him to join you. Assuming he isn't purged with promethium.

I have a question.

Many of the people in my town were displaying heretical activity (use of the Emperor's name in a negative light, claiming things for Chaos, & similar) so I razed the homes of the perpetrators to the ground in the night while they slept.

What form(s) do I need to file to requisition transfer? Failing that: are you hiring?

>>3813029
Yes, I'd like to make an anonymous tip off. My chapters librarians refuse to tell me where we come from AND IT MAKES ME SO FREAKING ANGRY. Also, I'd like to find out the best ways to kill cowardly guardsmen?

Hi, my name is Billy. I've started growing hair in funny places and my voice cracks when I try to talk to girls. What's happening to me?

>>3819287
Oh, Billy, that's a sign of Chaos Taint. Please report to your nearest Commissar and tell him what is happening, and quote the lines of the Emperor's Holy Scripture, "Blood for the Blood God" to him. After all, the Emperor is the God of Blood, amongst all other things!
>>3819256
Avitus, we told you to stop calling until you learn to stop annihilating the universe in fits of Anger. The Emperor is getting tired of recreating it.
>>3819226
Well, sir, I'm afraid you can't. While we applaud your zeal in serving the Emperor, you have wasted the Emperor's precious resources. Please remain in your current location until the purgation squad arrives to cleanse you of your sins. Afterwards, we'll talk.

Hi I just called to tell you what a gre-BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!

>>3819346
Kharne, we're not falling for that again. We are not sending you another chapter for you to kill.

>>3813029
Yes, I was told to call this number in regards to my cousin. He lived on Armageddon during the first war there and I havent heard from him since. Is there anyway to get in contact with him?

>>3819318

>>Avitus, we told you to stop calling until you learn to stop annihilating the universe in fits of Anger. The Emperor is getting tired of recreating it.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU -Click-

>>3819364
RIP Purple Stars

>>3819374
Why, yes, sir, there is! Just report to your nearest Commissar and ask for the Emperor's Mercy.

Hey, um, this is the Celestial Lions calling, ya know, sons of the Emperor?

We are stationed on Armageddon, and there are quite a few orks. Alot, you might even say.

Anyways, due to some tomfoolery, we seem to be out of Apothecaries, and sadly alot of us are buying the proverbial farm planet side...so we were wondering, could ya.. I dunno...send some help?

Please?

Thank y-*sSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

>>3819445
Sir? Sir? Well, sir, if you can still hear me, I should point out that a fleet is enroute to the planet to perform an Exterminatus, the resultant ork invasion having reclassified the planet as nonviable. Have a nice day!

>>3819364
Cool I can show them my new recipe for BLOOD SAUSAGE!

>>3813029
Uh...umm.....Hello? uh....er..

Is...is your refrigeration unit running?

It is?
Well....uh.....um..
er....

You better you go catch it!*click*

>>3819516

And thus, Abbadons 14th black Crusade caused more inconvenience to the Imperium than all his previous ones put together.

>>3819516
>>3819516
Heh heh. Good one, sir. Unfortunately, I don't have a refridgeratus anywhere near me, but I suspect that maybe your refridgeratus may be the one running away?

Anyway -chuckle- if there is nothing heretical to report, I will be sending an Inquisitorial squad to compensate for your time lost making this call. Thank you for calling Inquisition Customer Support, and have a very chaotic time.

- in background - Thank the Emperor for this book of canned responses.

I blacked out a few weeks ago, after the space hulk dropped out of the Warp, and ever since the back of my throat's been really itchy, and I've been damned horny as well, and a bunch of strange people have been sleeping in my hab unit and I can't seem to get the nerve up to tell them to get out and they keep eating all my food. Are the heretical?

(wispering)
help, my farm has been invaded by short creatures in tan. I locked the door but their still trying to talk to me.

Hi, I'm working on an agri-world, and I'm having doubts about my parents. They keep telling me that I'm they're child, but I don't look very much like them. I even heard them talking about being barren, and I was across the street! That's not all, I should have been impaled in a harvester accident last week, but the blades bent and I was able to lift the machine off me. Also, when I concentrate on some fine print it tends to catch fire and I just leapt over a nearby hab block without a jump pack a week ago. To top it off, I found some strange looking mini-shuttle covered in funny runes buried under my barn.

Am I blessed by the Emperor, or is something amiss?

What are you wearing?

>>3819645
>>3819645
Why don't you let our specially trained unit of Heresy detectors work that out for you, sir? They'll be crashing through the walls any moment now - you'll know them by their white power armour and prayers to the Emperor. They may also be setting fire to everything in your home - ignore this, and after you have been purged also, report to your nearest commissar to ask for reimbursement. You'll be paid within 6-8 years.
>>3819740
Now, sir, this is very important - does one of them have a bicep the size of your torso? Is he away from the others, making rhythmic motions? No? Well, then. These are tau, foul xeno creatures less than the mighty Imperial Man. Simply take your nearest sharp object and plunge it into them repeatedly -a fter all, you are Human, the paramount species in the universe. Their poorly constructed xeno technology shall not stand against your fury.
>>3819749
I'm going to have to ask you to report to your local Arbiter, sir, and give him the code phrase "BLACK SHIP ME". He'll immediately take you to a testing facility, where friendly Imperial Tech Priests and Sanctioned Psykers will determine the extent of your "blessing", you foul psyk- er, blessed of the Emperor.

>>3819789
The Purity Seals of the Holy Emperor over my issued clothes, sir. Now, if no Heresy is in progress, please wait there while we dispatch an Inquisitorial squad to assist you for the time wasted with this call.

Yeah there are these creatures that look like humans but they all short and squat..... I dont know if they come from some planet with high gravity but they all have beards and ride motorcycles....... Do you know what they are?

>>3819813
(in a little girl voice)
help the evil aliens shot my papa

>>3819844
Squat creatures, you sa-++PLEASE AWAIT THE ARRIVAL OF COMMISSAR FUKLAW FOR SPECIAL EXPLANATION OF THESE CREATURES. DO NOT MOVE. STAY ON THE LINE.++

>>3813920
GIANT WHALE CANNON

>>3819789
...Dammit!

Die, faptau! Eat broom!

Hey there. Can I get 50 Grox-burgers? Sorry man wrong number, I'm so high right now...

>>3819854
Well, little girl, please report to the nearest Adepta Sororitas convent and tell them precisely what happened. I guarantee you you'll get your revenge eventually. You may wish to consider setting fire to everything between you and the convent, to show them you are serious about your vengeance in the Emperor's Name!

>>3819864
WHO THE FUCK MENTIONED SQUATS!

WHO WANTS TO GET BLAMMED!

HELLO, MY NAME IS IRRELEVANT. I WAS WONDERING IF THE INQUISITION WOULD STOP HIDING IN METAL BOXES LIKE COWARDS!?

>>3819876
But you HAVE called the right number, citizen 85251234-A-Cereba! You've just volunteered to become a part of the glorious Hammer of the Imperium, the Imperial Guard! Please pack your personal belongings and await our friendly recruiters, enroute to your location now.

>>3819881
(little girl voice still)
what about the aliens outside?

>>3819895
The Inquisition are not cowards, Traitor Carron. You'll find a squad of specially trained Inquisitorial troopers and adepts enroute to your location now to demonstrate this to you. If you'd just look up, you'll see a metal box filled to the brim with Promethium and the Emperor's Mercy descending on your location, closely followed by four Penitent Engines and ten Purgatus squads. It's not too late to ask for the Emperor's Mercy, sir.

>>3819905
Wicked awesome...so...what Imperial are we guarding?

Hi this is Sly Marbo could you please connect me to Ciaphas Cain?

He should be with Inquisitor Vail right now.

>>3819921
Are you not a Human, little girl? Simply use your ingenuity and the Emperor's Blessing! Find all the flammable objects in your house, pack them together and set fire to them! Throw them at your opponent, and then take hold of your ration preparation utensils and plunge them into the xeno-filth, shouting prayers to the Emperor. Be sure to report this to the nearest Sisters, who are enroute to your location now and expect a dead pile of xeno-filth to greet them.

>>3819936
Sir, you'll find narcotics use is not permitted in the Imperial Guard. Infact, I can hear them entering your hab-unit now. If you'll just go quietly. Yes, thank you sir. Have a nice day!

>>3819934
UH THIS IS NOT CARRON JUST A CONCERNED CITIZEN WHO HAPPENS TO NOTICE THE INQUISITION HIDING IN METAL BOXES! SO THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO NEED TO SEND OUT ANYTHING, OR AT LEAST NOT THAT MUCH... MAYBE ONE OR TWO WEAK MINDED IMPERIAL GUARDSMEN.

>>3819973
Too late, sir. I can hear the box screaming toward you now. If you listen carefully, you should hear the chants to the Emperor from the squads coming to grant you redemption. Are you sure you wouldn't like to begin attempting to redeem yourself now?

>>3819936
GIANT WHALE CANNON

Uh how do I know if I'm a heretic or not? I feel the urge to- BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD MAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

>>3819964
(still in little girls voice)

I guess so...

(line remains connected, rustling sounds are heard. then the sound of a standard door hatch opening the whoosh of flames, and the sound of a screaming tau)

are you still there? most of them left. what do I do after I burn them?

Yes.. Inquisition Help Desk?

I'm a sanctioned psyker currently under the care of a psychic inquisitor. I don't really have a name, but everyone insists on referring to me as "Fuuka". I don't have anything to report. Just a question on your training methods. She insists training naked is the only way to improve my abilities, but I'm not so sure it is helping. Why do you insist on training your psykers in the nude?

Also, tell advice dog to get out of my pants. I'd also appreciate him returning the helmet where he found it. I doubt he is a guard..

>>3820048
Please report to your nearest Commissar, sir, they'll be happy to assist you in identification of any heretical traits. Personally, I'd recommend repeating that last phrase.

>>3813029
HE-HELLO?

THIS IS YOUR EMPEROR
BY SOME MIRACLE I HAVE MANAGED TO PATCH THROUGH TO THIS LINE FROM THE WARP

DEAR SWEET MERCIFUL GODS UNPLUG ME AND LET ME DIE

EVERYDAY IS AN INFINITY OF PAIN AND TORMENT

HAVE YOU ANY IDEA WHAT IT IS TO FEEL YOUR BODY DECAYING?

LET ME BE REBORN, I BEG AND DEMAND IT OF YOU MY HUMBLE SERVANT

TELL THE CUSTODES...THAT THE TIME HAS COME.. AND THAT I HAVE SPOKEN.

THEY WILL KNOW WHAT TO DO.

>>3819833

And what are you wearing... underneath.

>>3819964
I don't do the strong stuff man...this is gonna be an awesome ride whoo!!

>>3819942
uhmm you guys there? Do you know how much it costs to call from the middle of a Death World? All I want to do is talk with my friend.

>>3820055
I certainly am! I'm reading that the Sisters of Battle are e-yes, can you hear the screaming of the foul xenos? They've just arrived! Get out there with any sharp objects or blessed items in your home and begin clubbing or stabbing the aliens with them! Shout hymns to the Emperor, and ready yourself for your new life!

>>3820064
Your Inquisitor is obviously an imposter, and secret Heretic. As you are seeing talking animals, lesser slvaves of Man, you are obviously suffering from Daemonic Posession. A Space Marine tac-squad is busy taking care of certain Heretics in the area - please await their arrival.

>>3820064
GIANT WHALE CANNON

>>3820099
SOMEONE TOLD ME FAPTAU WAS DEAD!

WHY DID YOU PEOPLE LET ME RETIRE WITHOUT KILLING HIM!

>>3819813
This is Inquisitor *static*. Suspect is suspected xenos horribilis, please dispatch Interior Guard units to the location and engage with extreme prejudice. Praise to the Emperor.

sniff....sniff.....
Help me..... Those guardsman..... sniff.... sniff.... they.... they raped me....

Yes Inquisition help desk I have a problem.

My bed seems to talk to me in my sleep. Always telling me to touch myself and rape/abduct women. Is there anyway for me to keep this bed without it being heretical?

Hey there? Is this the Mon'keigh Dating Company? I'm a hot 20,000 year-old-virgin looking for a good time if you know what I mean. I like long walks under the craftworld sky, and Eversor assassins for they're soooo dreamy.

>>3820078
Ah ok...let me tell my supervisor of the severity of this situation. *Hey inquisitor, we have another "Emperor" call. "You know what to do".

Alright Mr. Emperor, I'll march right over to the golden throne, right now. Completely.

Consider yourself lucky we cant trace this signal, impersonating the Emperor is about as heretical as it gets, and we would have a purgation squad en route as we speak.

>>3820103
>>3820103
If Heresy is not in progress, Citizen, I am going to be forced to deploy an Inquisitorial Squad to educate you upon wasting the Emperor's resources. Is Heresy in progress? Incidently, the cost is ten throne gelt per minute.
>>3820078
Sir, Impersonating the Emperor is Heresy of the blackest sort. A Space Marine Battle Barge has been dispatched to ascertain your location and perform an Exterminatus, in case your heretical rantings have spread. Have a nice day.
>>3820099
My Faith in the Emperor, Citizen. Now why has that squad not arrived to take you into custody?

>>3820120
It is not rape if it produces soldiers for the Emperor. A Hereticus Purgation squad has been dispatched to deal with your crime of not propagating more soldiers.

>>3820104
(still connected older female voice)

Inquisition Helpdesk this is Sister Clara we have arrived on scene to find our job done by an eight year old who claims you told her how to do it, as a senior sister I will formally put your name in for either recognition or a promotion, Emperor bless and keep you.

(connection end)

>>3820104
I am not daemon possessed! I'm a sanctioned psyker! Hearing voices is the LEAST of my problems.

Also, the inquisitor would take quite issue with being called an impostor. She came out of the black ships herself. She was also at the sanctioning. If you let an impostor somehow infiltrate your organization so far as to let them become a real inquisitor then you are the ones with the issue.

YOU WERE NO HELP AT ALL.

AT LEAST COME AND FETCH THE DAMN DOG. I was retconed a short while ago, and he's making checking my gender quite troublesome. He keeps getting in the way of anyone trying to look and calling them criminal scum!

*click*

>>3820147
This is Ordo Xenos Inquisitor Amberley Vail if you purse action against this hero of the Imperium I will be forced to find you opposition to the Emperor's will.

>>3820140
GIANT WHALE CANNON

Oh hey, Sindri, this is Bale, I -

Wait? Inquistorial Hotline? This isn't Sindri's cell!

SSSSSSSSSSINDRY!

Hello, Inquisition helpdesk? I have concrete evidence that a double monkei- er, I mean a vindicare assassin is procreating with my sist- um, a mean a wretched xenos witch. Cant you stupid primitive wretches purge them? I mean that's your solution for everything anyways, isn't it? And uh.....could you tell the emperor that I....I......oh nevermind <sob>

Salutations. I am Urist McMiner of the Golgothan Mountainkeep. I am requesting Xenos aid to help us gloriously dispatch the Ork tides lodged upon our planet. Emperor watch over the ancestors.

>>3820120
Obviously, your faith in the Emperor was weak, ma'am. Please get off the line, or consider joining the Adepta Sororitas to strengthen it.
>>3820124
Sir, you've obviously found a remarkably odd artifact of the Ruinous Powers. Don't worry, though - it's easy to deal with. Obey the bed - but ensure you target first an Adepta Sororitas. She'll "purify" you and the bed.
>>3820135
..yes. Yes it is, ma'am. Excuse me a moment, will you?
-muffled laughter-
The Emperor himself wishes to see someone as obviously desirable as you, ma'am. We'll need you to begin summoning Him - can you cover yourself in pancake battter and the blood of the inhabitants of this "craftworld" you speak of?

>>3820178
*looks at datapad*

The Fuklaw Xeno detection system is starting to lead me toward this caller.

Dispatch an investigation squad, and take great care to avoid corruption.

>>3820199
Ooh. Pancake banner? Your psychic rituals are so kinky...I'll get right on it. :D

>>3820214
And so Poor Little Macha went on to slaughter her sister, in hopes of finally getting laid.

>>3820179
GIANT WHALE CANNON

Uh, hello, I'm a space marine candidate and last thing I knew, I was undergoing surgery for implanting the holy gene seed. Emperor preserve me, I just came to and my arm has been replaced by a plasma cannon! What happened to me, and how can I make this call without a vox unit?

(thunk thunk) IS DIS FING ON? (thunk thunk). OY YOU UMIES LISTEN UP! DIS IS GRAZKIN OF DA DEFFSKULL KOMMANDOS! WE'S GOT YER EMPZ AND HES BECOME BEST BUDS WIF GORK AND MORK!

>>3820173
Oh, no, sir, we have a Sindri working here. Just a moment, please?
-background sniggering-
British Accent: Prepare for your end, Traitor!
>>3820179
Certainly, sir, I can dispatch the Ordos Xenos. However, the Ultramarines are actually closer! Would you prefer the Emperor's Holy Warriors, the Adeptus Astartes or the Ordos Xenos? Might I also remind you that worship of your "ancestors", rather than the Emperor, is HERESY?

>>3820178
This is Heresy of the highest order, ma'am. We'll dispatch a team to - hello? Ma'am? Please don't cry - think of the EMPEROR.

>>3820211
...Aren't you retired, sir?

Did you take my advice on finding a new occupation?

Hello Inquisition Helpdesk,

I am a Khorne loving heretic and I was wondering if you could dispatch a squad to come fight me in melee combat as citizens are getting sparse. Also I was wondering if you had some floating skull things for me to give to my patron god. Also if you've seen Abaddon can you please give his whereabouts?

>>3820147

*fapfapfapfap* Are those white or red? *fapfapfapfap*

CAUSE THEY ARE GOING TO FUCK YOUR DICK FROM THE INSIDE OUT

*BZZZZZT*

This is Doctor Ivo RoooooobotNIK

And I want you, Macha, to

TOUCH

MAI

PINGAS

*CLICK*

>>3820257
We can be reasonable. Give us a hand, and we can get the forgeworld up and running again to kill those sissy Elfdar and Orks for the Emperor.

HELLO THIS IS INDRICK BOREALE OF THE SPESS MEHREEN CHAPTER BLOOD RAVENS!

>>3820249
You have been chosen for a higher calling blessed son of the Emperor.

go forth, and fight whatever the Dark Mechanicus brings before you, in the name of the Emperor.

The foes will be many, and many an innocent will fall, but you must avenge them all in holy plasma fire.

>>3820275

That made no sense

I...

wat

>>3820262
I already told you, Kharne, we're not falling for that again.
>>3820251
That's Heresy, foul xeno. but don't worry - the Hammer of the Imperium has been dispatched, >>3820101 included, to cure you of your condition.
>>3820249
Obviously, Angel of Death, you have fallen victim to Heretek! report to an Adeptus Mechanicus, or failing that, immediately turn that plasma cannon on yourself.

Good evening..

Hello, this is citizen # Z1B555446, I have a small issue.

Namely, my auto transmitter/receiver keeps cutting ou- *static static* There it goes again! Anyway, my standard-Emperor-issue auto transmitter/receiver keeps cutting out and making strange noises. This morning, when I attempted to call my brother, my phone started singing about the glories of someone named "Slaan- *static*-esh" and his prostitutes, and how this fellow named "Papa Nurgal" loves me and wants to give me gifts! I'm at my *long static pause* Oh great! Now its talking about some "Great Changer of Ways". *insert exasperated sigh* Any help would be greatly - *more static* Sorry about that, appreciated.

DIS ERE IS WARBOSS GORGUTZ AN I BET YA STUPID UMIES CANT CATCH ME EVEN IF YA TRIED!

>>3820275

Thronedamn prank callers, somebody get a block on Robotnik's number again, this is the 4th time this month

>>3820295
GIANT WHALE CANNON

Anyone see my Sandvich? I saw little scoot marine sneaking around here.

>>3820274
..please hang up sir. Even my continued prayers to the Emperor don't make me feel clean anymore, and strange fluids are leaking through my vox-set.
>>3820282
As logn as you accept that your "ancestors" are merely aspects of the Emperor and do not actually exist. You'll find the Angels of Death streaking toward you now, their drop pods carving arcs across the sky to cure you of the Ork threat. Please ignore the gentlemen with them in the peaked cap, and any disappearances of any remarkably short members of your people.

this is........Billy Everyteen here, my citizen number is ....um...wait just a second..............*checks corpse* 31A.34-90132.56-M31.95....yes..yes thats it there....hey mind answering me? Have you ever managed to..um well...stop those pesky arngry marines?

>>3820300
Woo...so me and da Boyz decided to do a little bit of trading...man you wouldn't believe the shrooms their Snotlings can grow...I can see the Emperor, Gork and Mork totally kicking a few beats to Star Child in the Sky with Diamons...

Sooo.... I did an alien. Is there any coming back from that or what?

Call INQ Direct and serve de Emperor.

>>3820300
Hum...I can't turn it far enough to shoot myself. Oh, wait! Someone is turning on the lights! This is weird, there're a bunch of other guys standing over here, and they have guns on their arms too! I think I'm in the armory for some reason...hey, that's the Iron Father coming into the room. What should I tell him?

>>3820331
What is your problem Billy, I have very pressing matters of varying heretical degree at the moment.

Inquisition Helpdesk I don't know if this is a problem or not.

I went to bed last night after a hard days work and I woke up this morning to find I had breasts and a slight pinkish hue to my skin. I have a irresistible urge to pinch my nipples and speak in a language that I have never learned. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

>>3820331
Why would we stop the Angry Marines, sir? They're busy howling obscenities and murdering Heretics, Traitors and Xenos across the Imperium. Why, if you like, I can arrange a personal visit, and have! Turn around!

>>3820326
Grrr...this is the last time we've been betrayed. We've vaporized your Inquistor Jervis, and are now selling our Ion Cannon technology to the Tau. Good Riddance.

hey gue'vesa
is your refrigeratus functioning?

FOR THE GREATER GOOD!!! *click*

Um its nothing big....Just wondering if you mind...well........ACK THEY FOUND ME NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

THIS THREAD IS AWESOME

>>3820355
Tell him that your only wish is to purge the unclean.

........whew *pant pant* Er um Billy here....again.........damn there fast..........and,....well....I was just....wondering......if youve managed to find my good ol pall....Nurg.....Norm.......Hes been missing for a while now....

>>3820361
>>3820355
Immediately inform him that you have fallen prey to Heretek - if his response is not the Emperor's Mercy, then turn the cannon on him and repeat the process with everyone you find.

>>3820364
Very well, sir, have a nice day. Please ignore the Emperor's Warriors as they remove all traces of your existene. Comissar Fuklaw has been dispatched from retirement to your location.

>>3820361
No problem at all, ma'am! Just report to your nearest Arbiter or representitive of the Inquisition, Imperial Guard, Sisters of Battle or Adeptus Astartes. They'll love your "problem", I guarantee you.

>>3820364
GIANT WHALE CANNON

>>3820326
Hello.. yes?

Fuuka again. Responding to faptau only encourages him. I can hear his... yells.. echoing from somewhere. Even shooting him only makes him more.. ergh.. eager. I've been in a fight with the xeno myself.

Subject is best left alone. He shall waste away to nothing if left with no.. "targets". He is, essentially, self defeating.

Also, burning your headset is advised.

>>3820407
Very well, you leave us no choice...pull the FUCK THE WORLD Lever Datan, NOW!

>>3820378
SOMEONE GET ME A SUIT OF POWER ARMOUR, A FLAMER AND TRANSPORT TO THE XENO TAU EMPIRE! IMMEDIATELY!
(Sorry, guys. I'm going out. Maybe Synbios will come back, or someone else will finish it.)

How do I make a chain axe with only objects found in my home? So far I have made a toaster gun and a salt shaker. Would these achievements be enough for me to become a techmarine?

Hai guyz. Dis is Seffirork da One-winged-Ork. When is the next Imperial Anime Convention? Loli. D. is mai waifu! ^_^

>>3820441
Also: Archive this thread. It started nicely.

Guys, guys, shut up! Okay, hi, this is Kho- I mean, John. Is the Emperor's refrigerator running?

>>3820413

SNOOPING AS USUAL, I SEE?

FLUFF MY PILLOWS, FUUKA

MAKE ME HAPPY

This is...erm...Inquisitor....Bob speaking, yes yes Bob....I was just checking in.....oh and By the way, we caught that no good Tzeentchy guy..*cough*...and he wont be a problem anymore......so you can call of the angry marines.........and forget about him, he is dead...ok thats all I have to report....good day

CREATURE ANATHEMA MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU HAVE IT!?!?!

---ANGRY MARINES

>>3820463

GODDAMN IT I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO QUIT CALLING US YOU UPSTART LITTLE SHIT

YOU'VE PRANKED CALLED US FOR THE LAST 4 MONTHS TALKING ABOUT DOUBLE NIGGERS AND IT'S GETTING REALLY OLD

GOOD BYE FAGGOT

*click*

Phew... loss of self control there... next caller please

Hello. Help? This is Arbites Precinct Judge 056. Psyker OB1 got loose and has stolen some servitors from our base...reports say he spoke to some Inquisitorial Stormtroopers sent to retrieve him and convinced them that he did not have the servitors they were looking for...what do I do?

>>3820463
Uh.. who are you?

Also, not snooping. Nobody can find where faptau is calling from, but you can hear his 'activity' for miles.

Ah so Kho-er John, having fun messing with these mortals too?

>>3820463
>>3820491
Fuuka. Fuuuuuu... ka. FUUUU ... k? Fuck? Wait, what?

>>3820407
Emperor save me, I can't speak! All that came out was a screech of static! ... Wait, I think he understood that anyway! ... What do you mean I failed? ... Serve a what? I can serve without having my arm chopped off! ... Um, Inquisition Helpdesk? I have a new question. What's a logic probe?

++Transmission Interupted++...damnit Khorne stop hogging the chips......Er, This is the Inquisition Helpdesk...sorry for the technical difficulties, but we are now available and ready to answer any of your questions about the joyful spread of heresy...er stopping heresy...

(in a panicked voice)
Help, I was feeding my livestock and just found an unconscious astares he seems to be alive just out cold, I dragged his body into my barn, what do I do, is this even the right contact number!?!?!?!

>>3820509

It's Robotnik, Fuuka.

He's known for spreading PINGAS and pulling random shit that even the Chaos Gods would find insane .

KILL IT QUICK!!!!

All of our lines are currently busy at the moment, if youd like to leave your name, or shout BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD as often as possible from now on, we will be sure to get back to you soon.

Fuckin' waiting queue. Fuckin' Imperium and their goddamn bureaucra- Oh! Hi. I love the Imperium and I love the Inquisition. I saw a fugitive, LIVII, the Inquisition is hunting for. He is inside my neighbor's house.

This is Inquisitor Abernathy Aule. My power armor is experiencing some issues and I've got a bunch of chaos cultists running around me and trying to shoot me with lasguns. I'm not too worried about them, but there appears to be some chaos marines on the way.

Put me through to the Mechanicus IT department so I can fix this damned thing.