Pick up some KFC on the way home.

OHSHI-

Junebug, come get me outta here! Hurry up, Junebug!

THE DODO IS STILL BRED IN SECRET BY THE AMISH OF PENNSYLVANIA. ITS KIDNEYS ARE LETHALLY TOXIC, ITS LIVER HOLDS THE KEY TO IMMORTALITY

SECOND MESSAGE: "Open the window, hank"

You know how most tall high-rise buildings don't have a 13th floor? Thats bullshit. They all do, there's usually a button somewhere in the elevator, you just have to know where to press. Just be careful- you know how the story goes that that floor is unlucky? They're not joking....

THIRD MESSAGE: "SEVEN. ONE. SEVEN. ONE. THREE. THREE. THREE." END OF MESSAGE.

Hey pal, I accidentally ran over your cat this morning.

Listen. I don't have much time. They are coming for me. But I have to tell someone. Those plastic bits on the ends of shoelaces are called aglets. Their true purpose is *click* *dialtone*

THERE ARE FOUR LIGHTS!

FOURTH MESSAGE: "Charmin Ultra Soft BIG rolls have three hundred and thirty three squares of toilet paper per roll. If you separate them into two one-ply rolls and use those to wipe, no harm will befall you in your house." END OF MESSAGE

I love the way you smile at me baby.
I like the view from here.
And when you call me 'Dear'.

>>3059511
Next Message:
Hey! I'll be by to to pick up my cat at 10:00.

Remember me? No? Keeping trying, and call back when you.

"Don't turn your back , don't look away, and don't blink!".

FIFTH MESSAGE: When you return from work tomorrow there will be a new door in yout bedroom, that's where your cat writes his novel when you're away at work; but the door has many other purposes. If you open it between 3:33 and 4:44 am, the Seventh March will enter this world again.

SIXTH MESSAGE: Hi, this is Trish. I know it seems akward calling you after what we've been through but you know I can't trust anybody else.

Anyway, you remember my little Lennon doll? The one that singed some new tunes very Lennon-like? Plastic Colored Rainbow? Our aniversary song? Well, some punks busted in my house and stole it along with the George Harrison on--

END MESSAGE

CONTINUE-- Hello? well, the thing is. Last Tuesday some emo band had a gig at Sophie's. Guess what songs they were playing? Colored Rainbow, Let me Smile Again with You, Keep the Door Shut, Ballad of the King in Yellow... the whole thang. They stole my little beatles and made the sing like some slaves!!!! So I went to Sophie's office, grabbed her gun and shot the fuckers when they were leav--

Hi? This is the last one, sorry for son many messages. The thing is I've got a van full of bodies and I need you help to buried them in the old lake. And bring a machete or something, I don't want them singing Raise Me All Over Again tomorrow.

Hey R J here, answering those questions you had next time; Human hair, salt from the Dead Sea, single malt whiskey, and the 10015th animation frame from Snow White.

Hello. Your order has arrived, we'll just need you to come down and sign a few release forms. Nothing too complicated. It's just not every day that someone ships 50000 live white mice. You can stop into the office any time between nine and five.

Darling,
In my restless dreams,
I still see that town.
Silent Hill.
You promised you'd take me there again someday,
But you never did.
Well I'm alone there now...
In our 'special place'...
Waiting for you...

(In your own voice) Who is this? How'd you get this number? Why'd you call me? Hello? Who[dial tone]

Darling,
In my restless dreams,
I still see that town.
Silent Hill.
You promised you'd take me there again someday,
But you never did.
Well I'm alone there now...
In our 'special place'...
Waiting for you...

*beep* "...uck do you mean autodial?" "I sat on it, and it accidentally pressed autodial!" "Shit! Shit shit shit, did we break parity?" "I... he? Um, no one picked up, so I think we're alright." "If we broke parity, how would we know? I mean, if just being in the same..." "Oh god it's still on." "WHAT?" "I think it's recording to voicemail." "Well fucking turn it"*beep*

BEEEEP: Congratulations. You made it. I'll try again next year. You might not be so quick or so lucky then. Enjoy yourself. The bottle of champange is in the fridge. :BEEEEP

MESSAGE: ".ʞɔɐq uɹnʇ .ʞɔɐq uɹnʇ .ʞɔɐq uɹnʇ .ʞɔɐq uɹnʇ .ʇou sı ǝɯıʇ ʇnq 'ǝ1qɐsɹǝʌǝɹ sı oıpnɐ ǝɥʇ"

Beethoven's Pathetique, but rife with errors.

Sneplach keplo tenzop clapatim?

*BEEP*wo point seven one eight two eight one eight two eight four five nine oh four five two three five three si*BEEP*

NEXT MESSAGE: "Hey, asshole! For the last time, get rid of some of the fucking clocks. I can hear them whenever they go off. We're three apartments over and it sounds like we're in a fucking belltower. The least that you could do is set them to go off on the hour, you weird fuck. You don't knock it off by tomorrow, I'm calling the damn manager."

>>3059816

...Primer?

*Beep*

Flint... I'm not sure what to say. But just stay calm and here me out.

I have good news, and I have bad news.

*Beep*

OH GOD THE RATS ARE EATING HIM

*BEEP*

What am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to do? Tell me. You have to tell me. You can't create and not instruct. If I have no purpose, then what am I? What am I? WHAT. AM. I.

*BEEP*

Bolt your windows. Lock your doors. Bolt your windows. Lock your doors. Bolt your windows. Lock your doors. Bolt yo-*beep*

>>3059867

OH, FUCK YOU, MAN

I JUST STOPPED HURTING OVER THAT AND YOU HAD TO FUCKING BRING IT UP AGAIN

FUCK YOU IN YOUR STRINGY, CHEETO-DUSTED, MALIGN TUMOR OF A BEARD THE LIKES OF WHICH WOULD NEVER BE CAUGHT ON A DORF, AND THEN LET A HUGE, SEVEN FOOT GOLIATH OF A WOMAN LOSE YOU IN HER CAVERNOUS, HALLWAYESQUE CUNT, WHERE YOU'LL LIKELY DIE AS IGNOBLY AS YOU LIVED, FUCKFUCKFUCKFUUUUUCK YOOOUUU

Sam, I miss you. No other girl meant as much to me as you did. I wish you'd believe me, but you refuse. If you ever want to talk, though, you will find me where it's quiet. Just listen closely, and follow where the sound of your blood's flow takes you.

>>3059753

GAAAAH PLEASE DON'T USE MY INITIALS IN A CREEPYPASTA THREAD!

*BEEP*

Fuck me sideways, man, you gotta help me. Fuck. Shit. I mean, fuck, man. I took that stuff you gave me. I don't know...I don't know if...if it's a trip or a trap or...fuck, man. I can fuckin' taste magnetic north and I can hear them coming I CAN HEAR THEM COMING and they three fuckin' days away and I can hear them.

And they're coming for you, next.

*BEEP*

MESSAGE THIRTY SEVEN

Hey man, this will stop at three hundred and thirty three. Good thing you didn't get ten more messages, fucked up shit that would be.

Listen, kid, I'm sorry. I'm... just sorry. I... I left the blood in your closet. In the bowling ball bag. I know that it doesn't make everything better, but it's a first step. I'll... I'll let you know once I find your finger.

Patry at Mikes, bring beer."beep"

*BEEP*

MESSAGE DELETED.

NEXT MESSAGE.

*BEEP*

*Beep*
Were no strangers to love
You know the rules and so do i
A full commitments what Im thinking of
You wouldnt get this from any other guy

I just wanna tell you how Im feeling
Gotta make you understand

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

Weve know each other for so long
Your hearts been aching
But youre too shy to say it
Inside we both know whats been going on
We know the game and were gonna play it

And if you ask me how Im feeling
Dont tell me youre too blind to see

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

*Beep*

"Man, I just went on a date with the Freak! Shit was awesome. Dude, call me!"

BEEP

"I just went on a date with your friend. Call me."

The sound of hundreds of geese.

>>3059924
...for some reason, this fucking terrified me.

>>3059938

Followed by one-handed clapping and a tree falling in the middle of the forest with no one around to hear it.

"Psalm 129:3, Leviticus 27:29, Isaiah 27:2. Check. Your move."

*BEEP*

Look. We've got to face facts and stop wasting time. The pattern falls apart if you include Obama. Hell, it wouldn't have held up with McCain. There's something we're not seeing and if we keep trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole, we're going to run out of time.

And it's my balls and yours if that happens.

Call me.

*BEEP*

Threads like these always end up freaking me out. WAY TO GO, /tg/. I come here to avoid going into /x/, man ;_;

I did what you told me gramps. I went to the warehouse with 'Engel' sprayed on the north wall. I went to the shipping container inside, I cut the chain, those bolt cutters were the best gift ever, but what the fuck gramps?! What the fuck. Skulls. hundreds of them. Stacked floor to ceiling. Rat skulls and cat skulls mostly but I'm sure I saw a huma-*beep*

Hey, fifteen minutes after you hear this, make sure you're watching channel 27 on your bedroom TV. Just make sure to throw your jar of pickles in the oven first, but don't turn it on. I've got a little surprise for you...

"Dude, I think I left the soap loaded. Check on that for me, willya?"

*BEEP* THE SLEEP OF REASON PRODUCES MONSTERS. *BEEP*

*BEEP*
[Sounds like many voices speaking in different pitches and not all at the same time.]
Hey, it us. US! your D&D characters. We'd like to speak with you some time, if its not TOO much trouble. We know that you through some of us out, but that's OK. We put ourselves back on the top shelf of the dresser in your bedroom. Gather your wits, and maybe drink something out of the green flask to calm your nerves, then come face us. We really DO need to talk.
*BEEP*

*BEEP*

Tiiiiiiiiiime...is on my side...yes it is.
Tiiiiiiiiiime...is on my side, oh Lord...

*BEEP*

*beep*owdered sulfur, mercury, gold dust, combined in a bowl made of iron that has never felt the heat of the forge, nex-*fzzzzt*op the onion finely and add to the sauce as it comes to the boil*beep*

**MESSAGE DELETED**
**MESSAGE DELETED**
**MESSAGE DELETED**
**MESSAGE DELETED**

If you're hearing this, then by now you know that I'm dead. I doubt they were pleasant circumstances, but I'd like to think I got my licks in where I could.
If you look underneath your doormat you'll find the keys to my house, you can keep the house for as long as my death get's kept out of the papers. Most of the stuff in the house is baloney, but in the basement you'll find about 200 bottles of 'wine'

Yeah.

That stuff.

Look, all of my research notes are scribbled onto the walls in invisible ink, just get a black light and they'll show up real good.

Also, whatever you do, if someone knocks on the door DO NOT ANSWER IT. ESCPECIALLY BY THE FRONT DOOR.

I hope you do better than I do, and remember stay away from those Owls, you'll see why.

*beep* *heavy breathing* *beep*

*beeeep*
(that was a fax machine)

They broke into my home man, my home! Nothing is sacred. They took it all. ALL OF IT! It's taken me years to put all of that shit together. So many years. Damn it all to hell man, when a home isn't sacred wh-*beep*

*BEEP*
GIVE ME BACK MY NOSE, YOU BASTARD. G-GIVE M-ME... Give... Give me back... my nose... *sobbing*
*BEEP*

*BEEP* The Sandman is a wicked thing, who comes to children who do not sleep and throws dust into their eyes, that they bleed and fall out. He scoops them up and takes them to his terrible iron nest upon the moon, and feeds them to his children, who take them in crooked beaks and devour. *BEEP*

There has not been a single empire that was not built upon the corpses of her enemies, was not watered with the blood of her children.

>>3060064

I-i-i-it d-didn't w-w-work. Th-th-the-they c-came out wr-wrong. I on-only w-w-wanted to he-he-help. Th-the-they c-c-c-came o-o-out wr-wrong a-a-and h-h-hungry. V-v-very h-h-hungry. *beeeep*

*BEEP* Mommy? Daddy? *BEEP*

*beep*
"-elling you, this won't work. Wait, wait, fuck, shut up!"
*muttering in the background*
"I-I... I didn't think it would, y'know pick up. Okay, uh, so... Joker? Mister Joker? Its about my friend, Maya. Kill her. Kill her, Joker. Kill her. KILL H-"
*click*

Does anyone have the Postmodern Magick book mentioned when it gets into Mechanomancy and the construct that skins people?

I have things to build.

*beep*
Hey Broseph, its Khorne, pick up if you can hear me man....
Fuck it, listen, I need you to do me a favour..
*giggles*
Shut the fuck up Slaanesh, anyway, where was I..
*squeals like a little girl*
Never mind bro, I'll call you back.
*beep*

So this is the right number. She'll see you soon, then.

*beep*
Hello, is this working. Erm, good...
...
*sound of papers rustling in the background*
You are the subject.
That's something I needed to get out first. There's nothing you can do about it so I want you to do your best. I'm sorry, but it was completely random. And it had to be you, really. No-one else would have done.
God will forgive you.
*beep*

*beep*
It's growing. Like a cancer under the streets. The lights have changed. The reflections are wrong. And it spreads. Further and further and further again.
*beep*

DENVER 9

99 WILL DIE

*beeeep*
-ET'S PLAY!
LET'S PLAY!
LET-
*click*

*beep* "-ought you could run, huh? Hide? Well, you were wrong..."

>>3060181
Good times.
( Ran it through a Little Fears game.)

*beep* -alking down the street at night, and the street lights, they started to go out, one after the other, towards me, as far as I could see. Just as it got to the light I was under, the night howled. I mean it must have been every dog for miles. And all the lights came ba-*beeeep*

*BEEP*

Look. Look. I know we got off on the wrong foot. You and your little pals can be useful to me. I felt that knife. It did things to me normal knifes couldn't, namely harm me.

I only ask of you this. Don't be foolish. Work with me and you'll live.

Oh, and that five-finger momento on your cheek? Consider that payment, sugar.

Call me.

*BEEP*

*BEEP*

:a little girl giggles.:
love you.

*BEEP*

Ninety-five percent of LSD produced in the 60s had at some point passed through the hands of a single covert Environmental Protection Agency agent before hitting the street. What he did with it, no-one knows, but they say the remaining five-percent is supposed to be "non-protected". There is a researcher in Nevada who pays $2 million an ounce, if you can find it (or him).

*Beep*

God dammit! I told you! Drink nothing! Eat nothing! Don't say "Thank you". Don't make any offers! What did you do? You fucking said it! You thanked som- *Beep*

*BEEP*

Isaac, its me. I wish I could talk to you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry about everything. I wish I could just talk to someone. It's all falling apart here; I can't believe what's happening.

It's strange, such a little thing... in the end it all comes down to one little thing. I didn't want it to end like this. I really wanted to see you again, just once. I loved you. I always loved you.

*BEEP*

BEEP

If you know what's good for you, stay out. It's mine now.

BEEP

*BEEP*

Seven hundred and sixty one armless and legless corpses float inconspicuously around the inside of hangar ninety six. I say that they are inconspicuous because it is their arms and legs which demand my attention. I did this, or I could have stopped it. Which is it? It doesn't matter now. I did this and could have stopped it, but nothing in nature ever follows a gaussian curve. Sure, they'll tell you that it does. They say that every five minutes someone dies in a car accident, but how often are there seven hundred and sixty one armless and legless corpses in one hangar?

*BEEP*

*beep* Hey man, it's Charlie. Got any more of that stuff? You know the stuff.
*beep*

BEEP:This is Mr. Smith from the phone company. We are sorry to inform you that your current telephone number has been assigned to the United States Autonomous Retaliation System as a fallback mainframe hard line. You will be given a new telephone number. We apologize for the inconvenience.:BEEP

Listen you fucker. I did everything you told me to and they won't stop. Goddamnit. I trusted you. Shit. I hear them agai-

*BEEP*

*BEEP*

Gaaaaaaary!

*BEEP*

*beep*Hi, I'm just leave a message to let you know I called the wrong number. Don't want you to think some weirdo is trying to stalk you, thanks. *beep*

*beep*
Listen, you HAVE to tell me what you did to me. When I pee it... It's BLACK-*beep*

*BEEP*

Three minutes without air.
Three days without water.
Three weeks without food.
Three. Three. Three.

You wanted the answer to your problems, it's all right there.

*BEEP*

BEEP: ten... nine... eight... seven... six... five... four... three... two... o-:BEEP

*Beep*

Ah, there you are.

*Beep*

>>3061123
>>3061129
*BEEP*Tag, you're it!*BEEP*

*BEEP*
... I have ALWAYS been here, poor soul. Watching, waiting for the stars to be right.

Now is that time. You have seen the beginning, now you must see the end. Act and something bad may happen, but don't act and something bad WILL happen.

Your choice, poor soul.
*BEEP*

*BEEP*
Gary, it's Reb here. I just went over the calculations for the LHC experiment you are going to run and the numbers just don't add up. Tell Dr. Freeman to hold the test until I get there.
*BEEP*

*Beep*

All these years, you've been getting gifts. Bits of loose change on the street, some odd little knickknack in your home, even birthday presents. You're welcome, by the way.

Now it's your turn.

*Beep*

*BEEP* This is David. Can you not feel the glory of the flesh? Do you not yearn to be free of the tyranny of the individual? Why do you persist in your loneliness? Glory to the flesh. Glory to the mass. We are, we are, we are, we ar- *BEEP*

*beep*
I'm on my way. Pray the dawn comes first.
*beep*

*Beep*

Prepare for...unforeseen consequences.

*Beep*

*BEEP*

*Sound of a bicycle approaching, passing very close, then fading into the distance*
"That was the Johnson girl. The one that grows up to be our mother. I know where she sleeps, what she eats, where she hangs out. Bury the Annelid Compendium in a suitcase by the old tree by the barn, and I'll see to it everything goes as it did last time."

*BEEP*

The "call" itself is actually the first minute of Beethoven's moonlight sonata. If listened to carefully, as the song always should, one can pick out minute echoes of words mingling in the song, but not well enough to make out. If re-winded for a better look, it surprisingly continues off from where the first minute ended. The words are still there, and after exactly one minute, the clip ends again. Another rewinding will produce exactly same results again, and the words seem to grow a little more coherent. This will repeat on each rewinding. When the seventh and the final minute of the song are listened to, everyone present will without fault disappear between dusk and dawn of the next full moon night. A succesful series of listening checks of a difficulty that eases up on each rewinding will reveal that the voice on the tape can be conversed with, and can be coerced to reveal the song's nature. After having been listened to the end, the song erases itself, and recording produces none of the supernatural effects in question. If the PC('s) manage to find out what the recording does, the last minute of the song could be used as a potent, covert and highly mystical equivalent of a weapon of mass destruction.

*BEEP*

Unplug your God-damned refrigerator! Please, just fucking do it!

*BEEP*

*BEEP*

Keep the thread alive. Bump it. Bump it, or they'll come.

*BEEP*

*BEEP*

Dont ever do that again

*BEEP*

Never ever take penicillin for anything, no matter who tells you to. You think it comes from bacteria? Wrong. So wrong.

*BEEP*
Turn around.
*BEEP*

*BEEP*

Stop listening to my thoughts, you god-damned creep.

*BEEP*

*BEEP*

Have you seen the Fnords?

*BEEP*

BEEP

Hi Mike, Its me, your answering machine. Guess who's fucking fed up with so many messages and has gotten a little bit of juice in its tape. Yeah motherfucker, so many years in the OU and so much people you've pissed off, oh man they ARE pissed. The best thing is I have half their phone numbers. And don't even think of unpluging me; I did the deed 35 minutes ago HAHAHAHACRRRRCCZZZZZZZZZZZZ

BEEP

"-en, as I was walking down Second Avenue towards St. Mark's Place, where all those people sell used books and junk on the street, I saw my penis lying on a blanket next to a broken toaster oven. Some guy was selling it. I had to buy it off of him. He wanted twenty-two bucks, but I talked him down to seventee-"

BEEP

*BEEP*

Open the door for me. My hands are full.

*BEEP*

*BEEP*

So this guy came up to me on the street the other day, handed me a card, and said to tell the man in the yellow jacket on the corner of West and Cherry "The duck wears two shoes".

If it's you, I swear to fucking God I'll kill you.

Jerk.

*BEEP*

>>3062762
DETACHABLE PEEEEENIS
DETACHABLE PEEEEENIS

*BEEP*

There is no way to validate the claim that pilgrims ate turkey during what we celebrate as the "Thanksgiving" holiday. Historical records obtained from journals and other sources only mention venison and that some kind of fowl was eaten. This means it could have just as easily have been goose. Don't spread this around too much; the last person I told was found dead with three litres of baking soda shoved down his throat.

*BEEP*

*BEEP*
[A Gunshot]
*BEEP*

*Beep*
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday dear...
*Beep*

*BEEP*

Yeah. Listen. The good news is that I finally got the last one. The bad news is seven more escaped. Call me back as soon as you can. This is getting out of hand.

*BEEP*

*BEEP*
Are you my Mummy? Mummy...

*BEEP*

*BEEP*

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum.

*BEEP

*beep* Look, I told you last time that this shit just cannot continue man they're out for blood I refused to tell them where you were but they said they'd be back man look just clear out for a few days and things might settle down oh shi-*beep*

>>3062678
but I thought it came from MUSHROOMS!

*BEEP*

Oh shitshitshit. Look, the movie is wrong. I mean, we were wrong. There is no way the cop could have been the one that killed the lady. He was afraid of heights! We have to tell Louis before he does something stupid.

*BEEP*

*BEEP*
أنت القادم.
*BEEP*
Ти си следващият.
*BEEP*
Està proper.
*BEEP*
Ti si sljedeći.
*BEEP*
Jste vedle.
*BEEP*
You are next.
*BEEP*

*beep*on't go near the shadows. Stay in the brightest room you can. Don't go outside at night. Illuminate. Don't go near the shadows. Stay in the brightes-*beep*

*BEEP* Hi there. See the little red dot on your daughter's forehead? Tell her you love her. In a moment she won't be able to hear you anymore. *BEEP*

*BEEP*

It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.

*BEEP*

can someone put all these in a txt and upload it or something?

*beep*
It just hit me, open up your bible and turn to page 678. its the 4th passage down, It explains all of it. Gotta go before they trace this... Oh! and the thing is taped under your desk

*beep*

>>3062934
Right click on page, press 'save page as'.

*BEEP*

Hello?...Is anyone there? Who is this? Okay, I'm really getting sick of this. Every hour was bad enough, but now you're doing this shit every ten minutes. The only reason I plugged the phone back in is because I'm waiting for the POLICE to call back when they've traced the number. That's right, shithead, I'll know where you are soon enough, and when I find you I'm going to take back what you stole from me..all 218 lb. of flesh and skin.

*BEEP*

*BEEP* You don't fool me. You know it, I know it. Bring it to the library tonight or else your dear old dad gets what he wants. *BEEP*

"Jeremiah 22:22? Brilliant move, though that is pushing the rules a bit. I'll go for... Nehemiah 9:38, Ezekiel 32:9, and Corinthians 1:19. Check. And remember, if I win, I get the lab."

*BEEP*

It's hiding behind your browser. Whatever you do, don't minimize it. Don't minimize your browser.

*BEEP*

*BEEP*

Detective? Pick up. The forensics team needs you to buzz them in. They want to analyze the blood splatter pattern on the answering machine, from the way that I described it to them, they're thinking the victim took a severe crack to the back of the skull while standing in front of the machine, maybe he was checking his mess-

*BEEP*

"Hastur, Hastur, Has- OH GODS IT'S GOT MY FACE GET IT O-"
*click*

BEEP: Just called a number at random. It's hot today. I'm sitting in my apartment. The windows is open, hot air rolls in. I hold a M24 sniper rifle in my hand. I... I don't want to do this. There's a pretty girl walking down the block. Blonde, teenager, green dress. I see her through my scope.:BEEP

*BEEP*
"-eft 14 steps, straight 32 steps, right 2 steps, straight ahead another 68 steps, turn left, ahead 17 steps, then ri-"
*BEEP*

*BEEP*
A your adorable
B your a bumblebee
C your a chaffinch
D your a d...

oh sorry. wrong number.


*BEEP*

*BEEP*

I just realized...I've never heard any music in my life.

*BEEP*

*BEEP*
(you hear a few audible clicks)
(ten seconds of silence)
Voice identification failure. Access denied.
*BEEP*

*BEEP*
A your adorable
B your a bumblebee
C your a cha...

sorry...bloody redial...


*BEEP*

*BEEP*

I'LL GET YOU. JUST WAIT. I'LL FIND YOU.
PLEASE DON'T TRY TO ERASE THIS MESSAGE, I ONLY WANT TO GIVE YOU A-

*BEEP*

*beep* made me watch when they lit the fire. Years of work gone in minutes. But you, you my friend still have a copy of my research. I know you do. I made sure of it. A month back when you had that break-in but it was weid though, because they didn't seem to take anything? Under the bed, secured with tape is a key to a safe deposit box. Take the key to the bank on T-*beep*

Hideki Naganuma taps into the soul of the universe. I'd be very, very cautious about upsetting him, sir.

*BEEP*

For the sake of mental stability and even physiological health, the unconscious and the conscious must be integrally connected and thus move on parallel lines. If they are split apart or dissociated, psychological disturbance follows. In this respect, dream symbols are the essential message carriers. Did you get my message?

*BEEP*

*BEEP* This is detective Bronsky, 'bout your stolen car? We've found it. We... It's... There are some questions we would like to ask you. You've got my number. Call us, so we can work the details... Right now it's best for you to cooperate.*BEEP*

*BEEP*
kelloggs know coco-pops turn the milk chocolatey

and they dont CARE

*BEEP*

*BEEP*
(In high pitched voice)
I'll fiiiiiiiind youuuuuuu
*BEEP*

Interspersed throughout other messages at your discretion.

*BEEP* Look, I'm sorry, alright? Just... call me back. Bye. *BEEP*

*BEEP* This is Deanne from Eastern Dental calling to confirm your appointment for next Thursday at 2:00 PM. We look forward to seeing you then. *BEEP*

*BEEP* Sorry for calling so late, just wanted you to know I found them. Yep, just sitting in my coat pocket, should have fucking known. Thanks again. *BEEP*

*BEEP* Uh, I got this number from the bathroom stall at the Crocodile Club, so yeah. Tonight at 11:30 alright? Either that, or one of your friends is a total dick... Know what? Could you meet me there at 11:30 either way? I'd like to know which it is. *BEEP*

*BEEP*

MESSAGE DELET- NO YOU FUCKING DON'T, BITCH.

NEXT MESSAGE.

*BEEP*

>>3059485
>YOU HAVE THREE. HUNDRED. AND THIRTY. THREE. NEW MESSAGES FIRST MESSAGE:

>146 posts and 9 image replies omitted. Click Reply to view.

OH SHI-

"...yeah, sorry 'bout that last message. I was pretty tweaked. Also, I seem to have taken some liberties with your Stairmaster. You might want to burn it."

*BEEP*
*BEEP*
did you like my answerphone beep impression?
*BEEP*
ha got you again
*BEEP*

*BEEP*

There's still time. Just walk out the door and let the rest of the messages play out. When you come back everything will be fine. But, you won't do that will you? You're just dying to hear what comes next. I won't spoil the ending for you, but I'll say this much: your life will never be the same again.

*BEEP*

BEEP: It's Marc, listen to this... (sound from TV news) ...still unknown, estimated twenty five people missing. No reports at all about what happened to the subway train... (Marc) it was never found... (TV) ...reports of voices in the tunnels, calls for help, yet no one was found... (Marc) Do you believe me now? Call me. :BEEP

*beep* (childrens' voices singing)
One laser
Two laser
Red laser
Blue laser
When toaster smokes our mom all smelly
And stomps our dad to bloody jelly
Save one
Save two
Save red
Save blue
For me
For you
*beep*

*BEEP*
Have you ever woken with the feeling that you're not supposed to be there? That you're supposed to be somewhere else? Well, I should tell you that your father really wa
*BEEP*

*BEEP*
This is a courtesy call to let you know post 3063195 would have been a lot better if I had managed to leave blank lines between the text.
*BEEP*

BEEP: *modem sounds* :BEEP

>>3063211
*BEEP*
Shit's getting meta
*BEEP*

*BEEP*

Stay on topic, fuckers. Before the wolves come.

Oh shit..Too late.

*BEEP*

*BEEP* *screams* MAIM! KILL! BURN! MAIM! KILL! BURN! MAIM! KILL! BURN! *sounds of chainsaw* *BEEP*

*BEEP*
What's the matter, too good to call your old man and say "Happy Father's Day"?

hic

I fucked your mom

*BEEP*

WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN
*beep*
LET ME GO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

BEEP:(a single, deep note plays, with embarassment you find you have shat in your pants):BEEP

*BEEP*
Hey man, it's all over the news. Machines are rising up and killing people.

Hey, did your answering machine always growl like
*BEEP*

rolled 41 = 41

*BEEP*

Behave yourself, gloom-child. The Buddha closes his eyes three times.

*BEEP*

*BEEP*

We're Surrounded! WE ARE GOING TO DIE!
ON MY COORDINATES!

Someone stop Ted with the Vox! Oh shi-

KABOO-

*BEEP*

*beep*

A FUCKING NATURAL ONE
THAT'S JUST MY FUCKING LUCK

*beep*

Therer has never been and never will be more than one of each of us. There can never be another you, and it is impossible for anyone to have a genuinely accurate idea of you. When you die, the very concept of you is snuffed from the universe, never to return.

"You have reached the home of the Smiths, I'm sorry we are not available to answer your call at the moment so if you would like to, please leave your message after the *beep*.

Do not leave your message now, that *beep* was just me informing you to wait for the *beep*.

That *beep* just then also was not the start message.

*beep*

Nor was that one.

*beep*

That *beep* is the *beep* you should listen out for and upon hearing that *beep* please leave your message.

*beep*

Remember, that *beep* is the *beep* you are waiting for.

Here comes the *beep*

*beep*

"-ing hell is this shi-"

+++INSUFFICIENT STORAGE SPACE FOR MESSAGE. MESSAGE DELETED.+++

*BEEP
Heya, this is Saul from Saul's Meats. I just got your order and... well... it's none of my business but I just wanted to ... ah... confirm yer order.

*ahem* Uh, one sheep's tongue, two pig eyes, one cow brain... er, you did specify that you wanted it whole right... because we can grind it up easy here for no extra charge, and uh... yeah anyhow. You also wanted a couple other organs, a liver, two kidneys, stomach, and a bunch of intestines, you didn't say which kind so we'll just send you over whatever we have.

And, uh, the last part was 160 lbs of ground meat, again you didn't say what kind of meat so we'll just send along beef if that's alright with you.

So, uh, yeah. It'll be delivered to your address by next Tuesday, just call if you want to change your order. Thank you for choosing Saul's Fine Meats for your butchery needs....

...Oh, and we'll be expecting payment on delivery.
*BEEP*

Some wonder what ghosts are. That's easy. They're people.
Some wonder why ghosts are bad. That's easy. They're people.
Some wonder why they haven't seen ghosts. That's easy. They're people. Would you really know the difference if one of us didn't go out of our way to point it out?

*beep* EXECUTE CORE DIRECTIVE EXECUTE EXECUTE EXecute execute exec-*beep*

*BEEP*

"...it...it's all a lie! All of it! All of it is! All of it, a delusion, in a book! Books! Books and dice! Books and dice and pa-"

You hear a sound like a car passing at high speed, and the voice stops. There is nothing else-no impact, no splattering, no nothing.

*BEEP*

BEEP:...liberate... tutame... ex inferis... :BEEP

*BEEP*
*whispered*...I'm in your house...
*BEEP*

*BEEP* Hey man, this is Jake. Remember? Jake? We went to college together? My girlfriend cheated on me with you? I had... let's see... forty bucks that I owed you? Remember? [sobbing] Remember? [wheezing] WHY DON'T YOU REMEMBER?! WHY DOESN'T ANYONE REMEMBER?! WHY AM I STUCK HERE IN TH--*BEEP*

*BEEP*

You're probably wondering is this your real life or if it's just a fantasy. After all, you've been caught in a landslide and there's no escape from reality. Well, you better open your eyes and look to the skies and see. I know that you're a poor boy and you don't need sympathy, because you're easy come, easy go, a little high and a little low. I heard that anyway the wind blows, it doesn't matter to you. Now, we both know that you called your mama, telling her you killed a man by putting a gun against his head, pulling the trigger and then he's dead. Then you told your mama that life had just begun but that you went and threw it all away, that you didn't mean to make her cry and that if you're not back by the same time tomorrow, that she should carry on like nothing really mattered. The reason that I called because it's too late, and your time has come. It'll send shivers down your spine and your body will be aching all the time. I suggest that you say goodbye to everybody and tell them you've got to go, before apologizing and leaving them all behind to face the truth. You might not want to die, but you'll sometimes wish that you were never born at all.

*BEEP*

*beep*-arah? Sarah? This is Greg. I'm sorry honey, I know it wasn't your fault, it was never your fault, any of it, I just got so-so mad you know? Finding out all that shit and that you ha-*beep*

The whole town is fucked man. We stopped for gas on our way through, next gas station was like, hundreds of miles away. Nobody had any eyes! Not even sockets man. Didn't slow 'em down any but fuck man. NO EYES*beep*

*BEEP* Hi, this is Sarah, from the bar. You gave me your number, and I thought, what the hell. Call me back, maybe we can make dinner plans or something. *BEEP*

*BEEP* Sarah here. It's cool if you don't want to go out or anything, but you didn't have any reason to say those horrible things. Were you trying to make a joke or something? Did I offend you somehow? Call me back, tell me what the hell this is all about. *BEEP*

*BEEP* Okay shithead, listen up. I've had it with your harassment, I've called the cops. Don't fucking try anything, I have a licensed gun and I know how to use it. *BEEP*

*BEEP* I'm... sorry. This is Sarah. I thought it was you the whole time, but... and now... things never work out the way you want them to, y'know? Sorry about... OH FUCK [gunshots] SON OF A [more gunshots] [disconnect] *BEEP*

*BEEP*

Hey, man, this is Paul... *sigh* guess you're not there right now... so... *BANG* *THUMP*
...
...
...
...
*BANG*

*BEEP*

Stern Man: When you hear your ID, pick up your receiver and state your name as you have been instructed. Twelve of nineteen.
Man: Todd
Stern Man: Six of Six
Young boy: Danny
Stern Man: Four of fourteen
Man: Jeff
Stern Man: Eight of thirteen
Young girl: Stephanie
Stern Man: Twenty of one
-pause-
Stern Man: Twenty of one? Twenty of one, pick up your receiver and state your name.
-pause-
Stern Man: [Audibly annoyed] Twenty of one?
-pause-
Stern Man: Twenty of one is not responding. Proceed. When you hear your ID, pick up your receiver and state your name as you have been instructed. Twenty two of one.

*BEEP*

BEEP

Hi, this is Clark from Gable and Sons butcher supply calling to inform you that your two-dozen meathooks, butchers block, deluxe cleaver set, apron and welders mask are ready for pickUIIIIICHCCKKJHCKHKCHJHKKHKK

BEEP

*BEEP*

Pure motherfucking filler. Get your eyes off the real killer.

*BEEP*

*BEEP*
Frank its me
WOULD YOU KINDLY answer the phone...
*Ka-KLCAK*

thread over

*beep* I had that dream again. The one with the woman made of glass. The sun pulsing within her chest. A gold coin in her right palm and a newspaper with tomorrows date in her left. You need to tell me what it-*beep*

*BEEP*

WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO THE POTATOES, CARL? WHAT THE FUCKING HELL ASS BAL-click-

*BEEP*

*BEEP* I WAS PHONE!!!! *BEEP*

*BEEP*

CARL! GODDAMMIT, PICK UP THE PHONE! THIS ISN'T A FUCKING ARBY'S, CARL! YOU CAN'T DO THIS KIND OF SHIT AND EXPECT PEOPLE TO EAT HERE! WHAT ARE THOSE FUCKING THINGS? CARL? CA-

*BEEP*

*beep*-own came the glitches and burned us in ditches and we slept after eating our dead. *beep*

*BEEP*

Y Tinas no it se uq. Fnar igmak. Izzabuddafi? Diddabuddafidi?

*BEEP*

*BEEP*

I once saw a man's liver crawl out of his abdomen. It had grown ridges, almost like teeth, across it's front surface, and just kind of pulsated... it must have ground it's way out. You see all kinds of things, and they're all right in front of everyone but nobody ever accepts them so we come up with whatever explanations help us sleep at nights--and that's where they get you, they try to get you to believe that the things you saw in real life are just fragments and memories of dreams, that "you had a nightmare," but nobody ever dreams, not once, not ever. I found a solution, though, a way to the truth. I haven't slept in eight years. Sometimes I miss it. You'll miss it too, but you'll thank me someday. Right now, we, you and I, we're all that stands between humanity and the everyday horrors they write off as "nightmares."

*BEEP*

*Beep*

The floor is lava.

*Beep*

*BEEP*

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH

I-DE-I-DE-I-DE-I-DE-I-DE-I-DE-IIIIIIIIII

*BEEP*

>>3063557
FUCK YEAH!

>>3063396

*BEEP*

It is possible to die long before you are dead. Do not leave yourself behind.

*BEEP*

*beep*
The city never sleeps. It is always awake. And it sees everything.
*beep*

Archive Updated. Gratuitous bump is gratuitous.

*BEEP*
Men shall be vessels to carry the old ones to walk among us like wolves among the flock.
*BEEP*

*BEEP*
[sobbing man] all of us to waste....BUT ME! [shrill echoing scream]
*BEEP*

*BEEP*

Here's what's going to happen. I'm gonna read this, and you're gonna listen, and you're gonna stay on the line. And you're not gonna interrupt, and you're not gonna speak for any reason. Some of this you know. I'm gonna start at the top of the page.

*BEEP*

*BEEP*
Look, kid, they're comin' for you, and nothign you can do can stop em, but there is a way to slow em down and even repel em for a while.

Now listen close, cause this is very important
*BEEP*

*BEEP*
nd they pack up their tools and leave the bar.

Bartender takes one look at the whore and says: "I don't know about you but that's the first time I've seen that on the outside."
*BEEP*

*BEEP*

Hey, OP. Didn't want to call, but if the thread dies, then so do we.

Don't unplug the phone, man. Someone has to call. Somebody's gotta keep calling or else we
*BEEP*

Fluoride makes people homos.

*beep*-ou died Mr Reynolds, and I want two days from you at least, minim-*beep*