DM: Alright, the man with the rifle looks at you angrily.
Zack: Probably jewish.
DM: He says "What the hell are you doing on my farm?"
Daniel: How much HP do you think he has?
DM: You can't ask that.
Daniel: Well, does he have armor?
DM: No.
Zack: Hey guys, have a look at this thing I got on my mobile phone.
Tom: Hey, that's awesome. Gimme that.
Daniel: I covertly draw my pistol and shoot him in the head.
DM: Why?
Daniel: He's got money and he's in my way.
DM: That's stupid.
Tom: I agree. Daniel, you're a fag.
Daniel: Total 18, 16 to hit, 15 damage.
DM: ...He doesn't see you... you hit him, he dies.
Zack: Ha, the jewish guy died.
Daniel: I loot his body.
DM: A young boy runs out of the house and sees you searching the corpse on the ground. He looks at you in horror.
Daniel: I shoot him too.
DM: No, you can't do that. It's against your alignment.
Daniel: Chaotic Neutral.
DM: That's not what CN means.
Daniel: My character acts on an impulse. He doesn't realise what he's doing until it's done.
Tom: So, I heard Daniel was a fag.
Daniel: What? Well, you're fat.
Tom: Oh, you did not just say that. Right, I shoot Daniel. Roll for initiative.
Daniel: It's on, fatass.
DM: Goddamn it, both of you shut up. You can't fight unless your characters have some reason to.
Daniel: Well fine, I just shoot the kid then.
DM: There are other people who heard the shot, too. They'll see you.
Daniel: Well, I point at Tom and say he did it.
Tom: Oh, you bitch. That's a motivation. I shoot Daniel in the head.
DM: You don't actually say that, do you, Daniel?
Tom: I got a 19. That's a hit. Damage... 19.
Daniel: What the fuck? I'm on low HP.
Tom: Ooops. Oh well, I loot your body.
Zack: Wait, what happened? I was just doing stuff on my mobile.

DM: The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility. There's an inscription written in Druidic.
Gwen: Oh! I got this!
John: *sigh*
Billy: *sigh*
DM: It says you must discard all clothes and be pure upon entering this temple.
Gwen: Oh okay, well yeah, my elf disrobes.
DM: An incubus appears.
Billy: I try to talk to him.
DM: He ignores you and talks to Gwen's naked elf.
Billy: *sigh*
John: *sigh*

DM: The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility.
Billy: Blast! How shalt we get through this door? King Darod and his Kingdom are depending upon us to retrieve the cure!
Gwen: Don't worry, I have an idea! Remember earlier when we were interrogating that skeleton? He mentioned that the water moves when the stone strikes it...
Billy: I pee on it.
John: I also pee on it.
Gwen: Wait, how does a skeleton talk anyway?
DM: The door opens. And I hate you. I hate all of you with the very fibre of my being.

DM: Okay, let's see those character sheets.
Billy, you have a high elf half-celestial barbarian and you rolled 3 18s...
John, you can't be a stonechild rogue, this is level 1 and you're not allowed anything from that book.
Gwen, your playing a pixie... Cool, so John, just go with half-orc rogue and Billy, if you don't mind dropping the template, we can roll with a barbarian elf. Gwen you're fine, as always.
Billy & John: *begin fight with DM*
-hour later-
DM: You enter a tavern.
Billy: I talk to the bartender.
DM: He says what'll you have?
Billy: Pleasurable company for the night and grog.
John: Who else is in the bar?
DM: It's packed, about 12 people, mostly human.
John: I talk to each one. Hello!
DM: Arg.

Chris: The Crypt awa-
Billy: Crypt?
Chris: Yeah, the quest for the king.
John: No, we're not doing that quest.
Chris: . . .But... You said you were.
Gwen: Naw, I've already seduced the prince into a marriage. . .
Billy: And really, his country's starving and his army's shitty so-
John: We're going to KILL the king.
Chris: What.
-hours of arguing, skull duggery, complaints, and moral decay later-
Chris: The King, his sword clattering to the ground from nerveless fingers collapses on the throne, looks up and words dribble from blood drenched lips, "You, you who were to be our last h-hope, you have damned us and yourselves if yo-"
Billy: Gay.
John: I hit the guy with two fireballs, why's he still talking?
Gwen: CAN WE GO BACK TO ME IN THE TREASURY

Next week.

Billy: Chris, when's the next game.
Chris: I have classes. Weekend classes.

Chris: The crypt-
Billy: WHERE'S MAH BUNNEH I LIKE MAH BUNNEH
Gwen: I ATE YOUR BUNNEH
JOHN: "Lawl"
BILLY: WTF I ATTACK YOO
DM: Shut up guys! God. Anyway, as you gaze at the stone door, your eyes tracing the visages of the foxmen, in the ritual dance of the rising star, your companion Fenix Ninetails softly whispers, "My destiny-
Giles: I AM GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF HERE

repost repost is repost

Chris the DM: The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility.
Billy the Roleplayer: Blast! How shalt we get through this door? King Darod and his Kingdom are depending upon us to retrieve the cure!
Gwen: lol a quest for viagra
John: lol
Giles: lol
Billy the Roleplayer: *sigh*
Chris the DM: *sigh*
Billy the Roleplayer: Alas! Remember what the Skeleton said!
Giles: that nobody fucked him in the eye socket yet lol
John: lol yeah that was good one lol
Gwen: lol
Billy the Roleplayer: *sigh*
Chris the DM: *sigh*
Billy the Roleplayer: He mentioned that the water moves when the stone strikes it - and that stones move when water touches them! We need to use water to-
Gwen: lol i cum on the door
Giles: lol
John: lol
Billy the Roleplayer: *sigh*
Chris the DM: *sigh*

~ad infinitium~

Chris: The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility.
Billy: Aw fuck.
Gwen: What?
Billy: It's a TALKING door.
John: What language was it speaking in?
Chris: Uh. It was-
Giles: It taunted me! My dwarven rage grows! I attack it!
John: He rolled a nineteen, what's the AC on the door?

>>2816751
>fibre

Lern2Spell Britfags.

Chris: The terrorist defeated, John leaves his clone behind and rides into the sunset with Gwen, as Giles and Billy follow behind.
John: Man I'm going to have sex?
Chris: What?
John: It's what happens, hero rides off in the sunset, cue chick bow wow.
Billy: Wait, I rode off with Giles.
Giles: Uh oh.

DM: The guards haul away Giles and-
Billy: Fuck him
DM: Wha?
John: Yeah all he did was hold us back, weirdo druid.
DM: So you just want to leave your only healer?
Billy: Yeah, can we fight now?
DM: A-
John: And did you finish my custom template?
Giles: Does this mean I have to reroll.
Billy: No, get out Blackleaf dhur-hur-hur!
John: Who?
Giles: *sigh* DM?
DM: The lvl:60 guards return, "Turns out we did have information about you two after all..."
John & Billy: RAILROAD!

Chris: The-
* Ding Dong*
Billy: Pizza!
Eating.
Chris: Man that was great. Anyway, the cr-
Giles: Y'know, pizza was like the sushi of the fifties.
Discussion.
Chris: Huh, I never thought about capitalism and morality like that. ANYWAY, the crypt a-
John: Oh wait, before we do anything else I have to show you these youtube vids.
Youtubing.
Chris: heh, cool, Master Chick, heh, anyway, the crypt is-
Gwen: Guys I gotta go.
Billy: Yeah. It's like, one.
Giles: Ditto.
John: Well, if everyone else is going, I'm going too.
Chris: I'm feeling sleepy too. G'night everybody!

DM: The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility.
Billy: Using Mordencieden's Door Retardation and Quickening Bigby's Cockblock Keychain I unlock the door.
DM: Right.
Giles: I-
Billy: I then prepare my psionic headband for any oncoming attacks, preparing my sword, I walk forward.
Gwen: Uh-
DM: A dire lemur appears!
John: Oh, well I cas-
Billy: Firing my Brain Blasting Bolt of Illiteration at the dire lemur he explodes into a pile of nothingness.
Gwen: Is that even poss-
DM: Fantastic! Okay guys well that wraps up tonight! Great RP, Billy, you get XXX xp. Giles, Gwen, John, you three really need to speak up more, XX xp.

Chris: The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility.
Billy: Got stoneshaping.
Chris: Oh... Alright, well you bend open the door-
Billy: Why do that? I'll collapse the crypt. How much xp do I get for killing everything in the dungeon.
Giles: Asshole. There's probably treasure down there.
John: Asshole. Why'd I bother with getting alchemy if I can't blow shit up?
Gwen: Asshole. I wanted that exp!
Chris: WE'RE GOING BACK TO COC.

DM: You're at the crypt, you see the door, its heavily barred.
Billy:IMMA FUCKING KILL IT !!
DM: Its a door, you can't kill it, stop being a twat.
Chris: Okay, I'm gonna pick the lock
*picks lock*
DM: Right, right, now some big fuck off monster comes storming out.
Billy: IMMA FUCKING KILL IT !!
DM: Goddammit Billy.

Chris: The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility.
Billy: We're way past this.
Chris: Sorry, sorry. Anyway, you get to the prison, where the chained maiden awaits.
Gwen: Oh lord.
Chris: What?
Gwen: Misogyny much?
Chris: OH COME ON, it happens, sometimes you meet captured princes or peasants, it's just a fluke.
Gwen: And what's she wearing?
Billy: I'd like to know too. And make sure she's wearing LESS.
Chris: Well, uh, she's... Naked, cringing in fear attempting to cover herself, fear and despair in her large eyes.
Billy: Well, a promise is a promise.
Giles: dood wat
John: Why is no one paying attention to my crit to sexify?
Gwen: Fuckers.

Chris: The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility.
Billy: *Snrk*
Chris: What, what fucking is it?
John: Well, we were just wondering.
Chris: About?
Giles: What's the damage for getting a heart torn out?
Chris: FUCK YOU FUCK YOU ALL GET OUT OF MY FUCKING ROOM FUCK YOUUUUUUUU

DM:Kay your standing outside the crypt.
Chris: I'm gonna shoot it with my melta gun. It has AP 1
DM: This isn't 40k Chris.
Chris: Yeah, I know, but this fucking sucks, it needs guns.
DM: You don't get a melta gun.
Chris: So how're we supposed to open the door?
DM: I don't fucking know, you tell me.
Chris: Can we play 40k
Billy: Jesus, Chris, shut the fuck up.
Chris: No, this is bullshit, we spend half the game fucking talking and not fighting anything.
John: Oh shit, my girlfriend is phoning, talk amongst yourselves for half an hour.
Chris: Can we play 40k while he's on the phone?
DM: Seriously Chris, shut the hell up.
Billy: Right, I'm opening the fucking door.
DM: How?
Billy: Uhm...dunno, cast a spell or something.
DM: Oh for...fine spell works the fucking door is open.
Chris: Can there be a bloodthirster behind it?
DM: No Chris, there aren't any of them in this game. Stop being a retard.
Chris: Then I'm going to go get a pizza, screw this.
DM: So you're just leaving Billy to wander the crypt on his own?
Billy: I step into the cave, slip down a chasm and die. Lets just play fucking 40k.
Chris: I brought my Tau and my Necrons. Who wants to play me?

DM: You have arrived at the crypt, a large stone door blocks your way.
Chris: The Big Cojones!
Billy: Finally, after all this questing, the Big Cojones will not escape again!
DM: Your here for a cure for the king, remember?
Giles: Is there any obvious way to open the door?
DM: None that you can see
Chirs: Stand back citizen, this is no time for any door opening shenanigans, that would only alert the Big Cojones to our arrival!
Billy: HAH! The Big Cojones is no match for our power! With his death the mountains for trasure will be ours!
Chris: We need a disguise, everyone put on those skeleton skulls we got earlier to act as masks, a perfect plan!
DM: you were supposed to interrorgate those skeletons, not defile them..
Billy: Disguises are all well and good but we need to act with suprise on our side. I shall smash this door into nothing in but a single attack!
Chris: No, I think you'll find that I'LL smash the door in.
Billy: Thats it! I've had it with your petulant ways, DRAW!
*Rock paper scissors*
Billy: Curse you ROCK!!!

Chris: The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility.
Billy: Blast! How shalt we get through this door? King Darod and his Kingdom are depending upon us to retrieve the cure!
Gwen: Don't worry, I have an idea! Remember earlier when we were interrogating that skeleton? He mentioned that the water moves when the stone strikes it...
John: And that stones move when water touches them! Brilliant! Alright, I'll go and grab some water from that creek that Chris mentioned earlier-"
Mark: I throw myself at the door bodily and physically.
Chris: You bounce off the door.
Mark: I keep doing it, over and over.
Gwen: I say "Mark! Stop doing that! You'll hurt yourself!"
Billy: I sigh.
John: I'll go get the water.
Chris: Mark, you're starting to get dizzy from all the battering against the immobile stone slab.
Mark: I headbutt it!
Chris: Okay... and you fall down, dazed and sick. You can't feel your legs.
Mark: I throw my sword at it, and mumble something about nature and trees.
Billy: There aren't any trees in the cave.
John: I return with the water and put it on the door.
Chris: The door opens, and a group of goblins attack!
Billy: To arms!
Mark: I draw my sword and fight!
Chris: You're incapacitated and you threw your sword away.
Mark: I try to grab one on the leg.
Chris: YOU LOSE YOUR ARM.
Mark: I roll around. This could be a bother.

DM: As you walk down the thin mountain pass, you come to the entrance of the temple. It has two large golden doors that block the entrance.
Player: Okay, when you say gold, do you mean, like actual gold?
DM: Uh.... yeah, why?
Player: Okay, I take the right door.
DM: You walk up to the temple entrance and push in the right door and star--
Player: No, I TAKE, the right door. As in, take it.
DM: *sigh* You can't walk through the dungeon with that!
Player: Oh. Then we'll sell it!
DM: The nearest city is 500 miles away.
Player: We better start walking then!

DM: As you exit the forest you come onto an open field of grass with a gazebo standing in the center.
Player: What's the gazebo doing?
DM: It's a gazebo. It's just sitting there.
Player: Okay.... I shoot an arrow at the gazebo.
DM: Okay, now it's a gazebo with an arrow in it..
Player: Alright... uh... I slowly walk towards the gazebo.
DM: THE GAZEBO JUMPS UP AND ETAS YOU! ARE YOU HARPY?! ROLL A NEW CHARACTER!

>>2816783
This is similar to half of my sessions

Usually at my sessions we eat and drink then wonder what we were supposed to do before someone goes for more beer.

at mine the couple leaves early for sexy time then I start watching tv then the nerdy guy and girl continue playing.

>>2816786

>ARE YOU HARPY?!

No, I'm a half-orc Barbarian.

Billy: hey DM, hey DM!
DM: so you are inside the King's dungeon, you can hear - WHAT?
Billy: is Gwen naked?
Gwen: my elf is fully robed. Also, I'll brb, I need to check my phone.
Giles: yeah, is Gwen naked?
DM: she just said her character wasn't naked. Why would she be naked?
Tom: my Dwarf fighter growls, ripping the clothing off Gwen's elf.
DM: What?! The King's men are coming to kill you, you have to escape! Besides, Gwen's elf is a guy.
Billy: I help Tom.
Giles: I stand back and attack the King's men.
DM: sigh...
Gwen: my friend just send me this funny picture, hold on I'm uploading it right now.
Dm: the King's men get there and kill all of you except for Gwen. Roll new characters.
Billy: is Gwen naked now?

MR. RAGE'S FIRST SESSION, EVER:

DUNGEON MASTER: OKAY, WHERE'D WE LEAVE OFF?
PLAYER 1: WE'D JUST GOTTEN TO THE TOWER.
MR. RAGE: CITADEL?
PLAYER 2: OH, YEAH. WE'VE BEEN CHASING THIS LICHESS AROUND, AND OUR LAST WORD WAS SHE'S IN THIS TOWER.
MR. RAGE: GOTCHER.
DUNGEON MASTER: BITING WIND CLAWS AT EVERY INCH OF EXPOSED SKIN, A CACOPHONY OF MINGLING GUSTS WHISTLING BETWEEN THE MAN-SIZED LINKS OF CHAIN FASTENING THE TOWER'S SIDE TO THE SEASIDE CLIFF. HUNDREDS OF METERS BELOW, THE OCEAN CHURNS AND FROTHS, AS THOUGH PLAGUED BY THOUSANDS OF THRASHING BEASTS. SLANTED AT AN IMPOSSIBLE ANGLE, THE BASE OF THE TOWER CLUTCHES AT THE LAST SCRAPS OF LEVEL SOIL, PRESENTING AN IRON WROUGHT DOOR CENTURIES RUSTED.

Where are these from?

This actually happened:
DM: OK you killed the dragon. There's an iron door behind it.
Druid: OK we enter
DM: Inside is magic item x, y, z, and a life sized statue of a human, made of solid gold.
Warlock: How much does it weigh?
DM: uh, like 700 lb?
Warlock: No, that's not right...*pulls out periodic table, does some quick calcuations* It should be 1730 lb, assuming a 6 foot tall man of average weight.
DM: Right.

My group has a physics major, chemistry major, pharmaceutical major, geology major, and airplane pilot/mechanic. I'm the theater major. D'oh!

>>2816889

Fuuuuck. I really do appreciate the effort that some DMs go through to put that kind of detail into their descriptions. Really, I do. But there are too many times when the descriptions turn into something that was obviously written, then rewritten with a thesaurus.

Was your DM one of those guys?

>>2816908

Yeah, I had one player, she was a warlock, who would often question my physics as well. I'm usually pretty good at it, but I'm majoring in Philosophy for a reason. Luckily there was hardly ever a conflict, it was just "wait, that wouldn't work like that..." and then I'd retcon it slightly to be more consistent. Failing that, it was MAGIC!

>>2816908
Hm, I get more like 3000 lbs.

>>2816908
So that makes you DM.

>>2816930

I NEVER REALLY NOTICED HIS DESCRIPTIONS WAVERING UP AND DOWN IN QUALITY, IF WE TOOK AN UNEXPECTED TURN OR WHATNOT, SO I'D IMAGINE HE WAS DOING IT IN HIS HEAD.

THE OTHER PLAYERS WERE FUCKING WALKING VOCABULARIES, TOO. MADE ME FEEL GODDAMN INADEQUATE.

THEY ALSO MADE ME PLAY THE LITTLE GIRL/BOY.

Me: Ok so you find out you have pychic powers
Alex: cool. can I control peoples mind?
Me: you can try.
Alex: Ok.
Me: you can do it.
Alex: Sweet. I make everyone dance Thriller until I can't control them anymore.
Me: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

30 minutes later

Me: ok Sue you take damage from the gun
Sue: awe man.
Alex: I make everyone dance Thriller
Me: What... No.
Alex: Critical Success fagort
Me: Shut up
Alex: Lean like a cholo side to side
Me: 10 more cars pull up they all have bazookas. And they target Alex. Your dead.
Alex: lol no
Me: roll a new character
Alex: your kidding right
Me: nope.

My sessions tend to go something like this:
DM: You are confronted by a mass of stone, covered in horrible symbols that bite at the edge of your mind, trying to snake their way in and gnaw at your sanity! Images of things man should not know and CANNOT know writhe in your mind, for they are the beasts of madness and irreality! Aberrant horrors! Eldri-
John: jesus fuck okay we get it why do you turn everything into a SAN check?
DM: Because SAN checks are awesome, just roll already.
Billy: "Tordek! These runes, they're trying to drive us mad!"
Gwen/John: Shut up, Billy.
Billy: My Arcane Musician takes an offended expression! "Why must you always be so rude to me, I have done no harm to you!"
John: goddammit Billy look okay you agreed not to do this melodrama bullshit when we started. You also agreed not to PLAY A BARD, but noooo, you do this shit anyways.
Gwen: Also? You are also fat.
Billy: fuck you fuckers
Gwen: COUNTERPOINT! You are still fat!
John: fuckers is like the worst insult ever god can't you be a little inventive and call us dickbiscuits or shitcrepes or something
DM: Why does this happen every time I run a game?

>>2816995
Haha, angry child.

>>2816935
Yeah, I'll do that sometimes. Something that turned from a running joke in physics class to something of a house rule was Force Magical. It started in physics because the teacher didn't know how to explain centrifugal force right, so we referred to force "magic".

It later became force magical in the campaign to describe and slight inconsistencies between real life physics and what was described in the DMG(for example, falling speed)

kris-I run my hand up the succubus skirt
amy-surprized but i dont stop you
mike-oh fuck...
gaby-no no no everytime you guys do this then leave to go fuck
kris-holding the succubus in my arms I confess my love and attempt sticking in her pooper
dm- ok we skip ahead the succubus turns lawful good, a nest of succubi nearby hear of the traitor and come to kill you all

DM: Okay, so you guys have arrived in the big city.
Min-Maxer: Does this mean you're using the Cityscape book now?
WoW-Player: I go shopping.
Roleplayer: I discreetly wait for the others to head inside, then follow them in, to avoid giving them a bad reputation. I'm a rogue, after all.
Me: ... Uh. I... get a place at the inn? How much would that cost?
Min-Maxer: No need to pay, I've got ranks in Perform.
Roleplayer: And I'm using my thieves' guild associations to handle the rest.
WoW-Player: What's in the auction house?
Me: *Monk that used Charisma as the dump stat, whereas everyone else has use in a social setting* :(

>>2817018
Well... That made me spit my soda. Time to clean...

DM: So you've infiltrated the manor and you've made your way to the crime boss' room. You walk in and see a man--
Player 1: What was he doing in there?
DM: Just doing paperwork and so on.
Player 2: So, what? He was just relaxing there? Sitting there in his pyjamas?
DM: Not qui--
Player 3: Whatever. We've been hired to kill Pyjamas, right?
DM: His name isn't--... Fuck it. If you're going to attack him, roll initiative.
Player 1: I go first! You guys can probably guess what is coming but... ROD OF WOOONDEEEER
Everyone except DM: ROD OF WOOOONDEEEER
DM: GOD FUCKING DAMN IT YOU ROLLED DARKNESS
Player 3: So what?
DM: I suppose now isn't the best time to tell you that you've basically ruined what was meant to be a challenging encounter and turned it into a piss easy fight thanks to something completely fucking random?
Player 2: FUCK YEAH! LET'S KILL PYJAMAS!
Player 4: Okay, I cast Faerie Fire on him.
Player 5: FUCK YES, THOUSANDS OF DICE OF SNEAK ATTACK DAMAGE GOD DAMN THIS GUY IS GOING DOWN
Everyone except DM goes "FUCK YES" as he deals god knows how much damage. DM grumbles angrily and rips up a stat-sheet.

Player 1 also had a magic necklace with a few charges of Summon Nature's Ally VI and proceeded to obliterate his enemies by dropping an elephant affectionately named "Clansy" twenty feet above them. This method was used twice to deliver the killing blow to golems. I ask you to imagine an elephant appearing several feet above an iron golem and fall on it, crushing it flat.
Player 1 also played a Healer - but due to a Rod of Wonder, a Light Crossbow of Greater Displacement and a summoning amulet, that character actually has a reasonable damage output.

>>2816983
got me there

>>2816978
probably right, i didnt remember the actual numbers used, but you got the point.

>>Everyone except DM: ROD OF WOOOONDEEEER

i lol'd

>>2817139
Shit, sounds like you're playing WoW there.

>>2817170
Seriously. Whenever it's that guy's turn and no one needs healing, everyone looks towards Player 1 with a mixture of terror, joy and aniticipation. When he cries out "ROD OF WOOOOOOOOONDEEEEEEEER", they all join in. It's officially a tradition and they all do it, whether the outcome will incinerate a horde of goblins or blind the party's rogue, leaving him rather peeved.

>>2817189
Best way to describe it is beer and pretzel gaming. Except we usually just get KFC instead.

>>2817191
why the fuck did you give him a rod of wonder? honestly...

>>2817204
He bought one.

>>2817218
WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU BUY A ROD OF WONDER?

>>2817229
Used Rod salesman?

>>2817204

The rod is one of those things that players and DMs see differently.

The DM thinks it's a funny bit of flavourful treasure to give them that they'll be briefly amused by before getting rid of because it's not really that useful.

The player thinks its like a slot machine and he can never run out of quarters.

my game (I'm the DM):
DM: The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility.
Mike:I draw my sword and stand by the door.
Mitch:I ready my axe to attack anything that comes from inside the door. Adam! Go open the door, damnit!
Adam:But I have a bow!
Mike and Mitch: As well as arms!

>>2817229
From a chaotic wizard of at least 10th level with the Confusion spell in his spellbook?
Yeah, you'll probably find one of them in a massive, sprawling capital urban city.

Player1: Ok, I take the basement
Player2: I got with him
DM: *long ass explanation* you see 500 Goblins
Player1: lol ok, I charge them
Player2: I cast *Spell of mass destruction xx*
*several rounds later*
DM: They are all dead ... this can't be right ...
*looking through the player handbook*
DM: FUCK the stats are too high!
Players1: What?

(It was our first session)

DM: The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility.
Billy: Blast! How shalt we get through this door? King Darod and his Kingdom are depending upon us to retrieve the cure!
Tom: I accept your challenge, door! I take out my rod of immobility and position it in front of the door. Commanding it to stand.
Gwen: wait, why are you doing that, how is that going to help us open the door?
Billy, I try to get around the rod and pry the door open with my fighter's burly figure.
Dm: Billy, you fail. After several hours, the door gives up and opens.
Tom: see? I knew that would work.
Dm: unfortunetly, the rod stuck in the ground prevents anybody from passing the narrow door frame. You will have to find another way in.
Billy: What? That doesn't make sense and there is not another way in, the entrance collapsed!
DM: roll new characters.
Gwen: I hate you so much...

>>2817229
WOW, NOT EVERY CAMPAIGN UNIVERSE IS A SILLY LITTLE HOLE-UNDER-THE-ROCK WORLD WHERE MAGIC IS INCREDIBLY RARE YET ADVENTURERS SOMEHOW DON'T RUIN ENTIRE ECONOMIES WITH THEIR MAGIC ITEM TRADE WITH THE AVERAGE MAGIC SWORD BEING WORTH MORE THAN AN ENTIRE VILLAGE'S ANNUAL WAGES

GM: So you get home after meeting with the bystander, who told you his side of the story and it conflicted with what the cop told you. What do you do?
Slashy: I make everyone sit down to discuss this, voice my suspicions about the cop and point out how shifty he was acting when we talked to him.
C: WHY WERE YOU WATCHING HIM SO CLOSELY FAGGOT
Slashy: stfu
C: I say we don't trust the cop. FORGET SOLUTIONS LET'S GO SHOPPING.
M: Wait what? I wasn't paying attention for 20 minutes. Slashy, explain the plot to me even though I'm not actually going to say anything in the discussion.
Slashy: fine
A: I say we trust the cop because he's secretly my ally and I'm totally not evil and working with him and man I'm hungry let's go get something to eat.
Slashy: I dunno--
C: I bet the cop is evil.
Slashy: That's what I--
A: NOPE NO WAY NO HOW THAT'S RIDICULOUS. I say we investigate this totally unrelated thing.
Slashy: FUCK YOU I TRUST NO ONE
A: I leave to go do something suspicious.
C: You can trust me even though I clearly hate you!
Slashy: IT'S A HATE-ON. YOU HOMO.
C: YOU'RE THE ONE WITH A MANSERVANT
Slashy: HE'S A GHOUL NOT A MANSERVANT FUCK YO--
E: hey i was afk for 5 hours and didn't tell anyone
E: i threaten Slashy's PC into telling me the plot
Slashy: FFFFFFF

I FUCKING LOVE 1d4CHAN!

>>2817139

YOU CANNOT CONJURE THINGS ON A SURFACE THAT CANNOT SUPPORT THEM (LIKE THE FUCKING AIR).

>>2817351
Rods are fucking epic. You can't just walk down to the mall and buy one. Especially something like the Rod of Wonder, which tends to make things not exist anymore around it.

>>2817374
... They're 12K gold pieces. They're not artifacts or super items in any shape or form.

>>2817374
If you had a rod of wonder and some moron adventurer offered to pay you 12,000 to take it off your hands, wouldn't you go for it?

Chris: The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility.
Billy: Blast! How shalt we get through this door? King Darod and his Kingdom are depending upon us to retrieve the cure!
Gwen: Don't worry, I have an idea! Remember earlier when we were interrogating that skeleton? He mentioned that the water moves when the stone strikes it...
John: And I brought the bones along! Guys, ready your crafts rolls! We're making a SkeleRam!
Later...
Chris: You...Once more come to an entrance, an-
Gwen: Is there a door?
Chris: ...Yeah, but it's left ajar, through which you can see-
Everyone but Chris: SKELERAAAAAMMMMMMM

The joke/mascot character in my last campaign was a Wyrmling Silver Dragon with levels in Monk and Reaping Mauler. As a wyrmling raised by a human monastery, she had the personality of a seven-year-old little girl that just happened to have scales and wings. She was an unstoppable grappler, of course, but pretty useless in any other regard besides scouting ahead, so she picked up a Rod of Wonder for her starting treasure.

Basically, whenever grapples and breath weapons weren't working, she would fly around the room with the rod in her mouth and just press the button to see what would happen. It was actually rather cute, especially with her battlecry of "BUTTON!" and the time when she permanently turned herself purple while fighting a colossal troll.

The DM is fucking insane. I need only one example to convey just how crazy he is.

Our party was caught in the middle of a naval war between Jacques Cousteau and Captain Ahab.

Chris: The crypt awaits before thee, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility.
Billy: Blast! How shalt we get through this door? King Darod and his Kingdom are depending upon us to retrieve the cure!
Tom: what sayeth thee, my friends?
Gwen: I cast lightning bolt at the door.
Chris: the bolt hits the door, bounces off and burns off your clothing. You are now completely naked.
Gwen: I start dancing.
Billy: I challenge you, sir Tom for the maiden's virginity!
Tom: Tally ho, sir Billy, I accept your challenge!
Chris: Billy and Tom mutually, mortally wound each other. Gwen, you are now the only one left since John is drunk asleep. Also, the door opens and a tentacle monster enters the room.
John: FOR THE EMPRAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Chris: The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility.
Billy: Blast! How shalt we get through this door? King Darod and his Kingdom are depending upon us to retrieve the cure!
Gwen: ...
John: ...
Billy: ...
Gwen: ...
John: ...
Billy: ...
Gwen: ... any ideas, guys?
John: I make an Intelligence check for my character to figure out the puzzle. I have like, an Intelligence of 20 so my character should know everything.
Billy: God Chris, you always do this! You always put in puzzles that are like, impossible!
Chris: *sigh*

DM: You find yourself trapped in an old tomb.
Rogue: I search for a way out *rolls* 19
DM: You find nothing.
Mage: I cast detect magic to see if there are any-
DM: You don't detect anything.
R&W:...
R: I spend the next 4 hours searching every last crevase of this entire room, i take 20 pluss my search skill of 8. DO I find anything?
DM: Nope.
R: I kill myself.
DM: BBAAAAAWW YOU ARE THE WORST PLAYER IF YOU DIDN'T WANT TO PLAY WHY CAN'T YOU JUST TELL ME! EVERYONE HATES ME!

>
Basically, whenever grapples and breath weapons weren't working, she would fly around the room with the rod in her mouth and just press the button to see what would happen. It was actually rather cute, especially with her battlecry of "BUTTON!

That is insanely adorable.

>>2817447
Blame Gary for that one.

>>2817406
SKELLERAAAMMMM!

>>2817424
Hey, my GM isn't insane. He just likes to include slightly ridiculous historical tidbits or figures.

I've driven around with (Ravnos) John Wilkes Booth in my back seat, and accidentally started a fight to the death between him and (Ventrue) General Nathanael Greene.

(Greene won.)

Also Balor (THE Balor of the Evil Eye) was my grandsire in one game. He was actually pretty cool in person. He clotheslined me and punched another PC in the face when the dick made me frenzy.

>>2817424
At the end of the campaign, Jacques (who was riding Moby Dick) killed Ahab by beating him unconscious and stabbing him with a harpoon.

>>2817453

The other players (and their characters) often found her annoying and useless, but she was also the comic relief, as any little girl character should be.

That player had a tendency for making not-terribly effective but interesting characters. Her previous character, which the dragon was a replacement of, was a lustful Irish-accented pirate queen made with levels of Bard, Fighter, and Dread Pirate. Actually not a bad addition to the party, but she was sadly shoved off a 50-foot cliff by Grimlock Dire Werebats while on the Plane of Shadow.

>>2817498
... WHAT.

>>2817488
fuck you slashy

so gay

>>2817549
Do I know you?

If so, why aren't you on AIM and did you like my depiction of you as occasionally usef--I WANT A NEW SWEATER

>>2817498
... Exalted?

>>2817498
Shortly afterwards, we were introduced to the DM's villain squad (who are still our archenemies).

David Bowie (Bard/Wizard)
Michael Jackson (Bard/Rogue)
Prince (Bard/Fighter)
Elton John (Bard/Monk)
Freddie Mercury (Bard/Duskblade)
James Brown (Bard/Warmage)

>>2817572
no

>>2817592
Well, either way you're just a black knighting faggot.

>>2817576
WHAT.

Star Wars d20.

I'm the DM. Names are changed because several are fa/tg/uys.

DM: So, you guys have finished setting up your defenses for the rally. Is there anything else you want to do?
Kyle: I'm going to casually slip into the crowd when they show up.
Rich: Same *rolls for stealth*
Shane: *playing Civilization, half paying attention* I'll stand behind the girl we're protecting.
Pat: I'm going to sit on the roof and take out my disruptor, sniping anything that moves.
DM: Pat, after a couple of minutes you see a rodian male standing on a raised plaza who appears to be sightseeing.
Pat: I alert the others, and aim for his head.
Rich: Move object! *rolls*
Kyle: Guys, don't just automatically assume he has nefarious purposes because he's a rodian.
Rich: I got a 28.
DM: You rolled a 3! (This was at level ~5)
Rich: My bonus is 25. (exaggeration but it really was pretty freakin' high)
DM: Alright, you beat him defense.
Rich: I throw him off the plaza.
DM: He plummets to his death.
Kyle: *sigh*
Rich: Anything else?
DM: No, but the crowd has begun to filter in.
Rich: I'm going to use force perception to individually inspect everybody.
DM: You don't have the time for that, the rally is supposed to begin in about 20 minutes.
Rich: I can still do it.
DM: Moving on, nothing else happens as the people filter in, and the politicial signals to you that she's ready to move onto the stage.
Shane: *still playing* I'll escort her to the stage.
DM: She walks to the stage and is greeted from applause from the majority of the crowd.
Rich: Are any of them clapping suspiciously? *rolls for perception*
DM: She begins to set up for her speech but she finds that her podium's broadcasting device is malfunctioning.
Rich: Move object on the podium! It's a bomb! *rolls*
DM: You don't know anything about it yet, I thought you were more concerned with checking out all the people in the crowd?
Rich: Whatever.

It goes on like this forever.

>>2817630
I can explain why Rick James isn't in there: He was already introduced as a stoner Cleric of Pelor who had some really trippy sermons.

>>2817687

troll successful?

>>2817727
Yeah, that's what I have to deal with. I'm going to leave the group if he doesn't start taking his meds again.

>>2817406
I was waiting for this one. This and "MY NAME IS HUGE". I can sleep now.

>>2817406
I imagined everyone in the group immediately doing an :awesome: face while yelling.

>>2817424
Apparatus of Kwalish?

I cant stand ops pic. I hate that goddamn piece of trash comic.

>>2817806
Yes, there was one. The DM had a pretty good Cousteau impression, too.

>>2817821
With the power of plot behind it, our psion's telepathy reached out to us while he sat with Cousteau in the Apparatus (it was the DM's excuse to do the impression).

Scrubs!

Dr. Cox said he'd be our GM, but he didn't come...
What should we do now?

Weeelll sorry I'm late Tracy, seems me and the Missus were having sexual relations. Now that's where I roll a charisma check against Jordan's drunkness modifier and if I succede I perform a skill test you have Ne-he-ever succeded at without fudging A LOT of rolls.

Now, you and barbie are obviously perky little elves who have been trollping through the woods and I imagine the surgeon is some kind of muscle-bound barbarian out for ... nobody gives a shit he just wants to chop up orcs, which he'll do better here than on his operating table. You're all standing in a tavern drinking from flagons with pink umbrellas in them. What do you do, Tracy, what do-hoo you do?

"Clarissa, that's not your chest."
"BUT IT SAYS "J.D." ON IT!"
"My game, my rules. Now answer me this sweetheart: What's your name?"
"... it's Clarissa..."
"Ain't you a smart girl? Now, does the chest says "property of Clarissa?""
"No, it doesn't..."
"Good, now be a nice newbie and roll."

>>2817865

Cox: OK ladies, let's see what you came up with... Barbie, you rolled up... a Cleric. Well lets just hope your cleric is better at healing than you are! Mary! What did you pick?
J.D: A wizard!
Cox: Uh huh, uh huh... *looks over the sheet* Yeah, there's two things wrong with this: one, it says you picked a MALE wizard, yet as we all know, you're only capable of roleplaying a girl. And two: Kyle isn't a girls name, Clarissa!
Janitor: Ha!
J.D: Hey who invited you anyway?
Cox: I did, Betty, because God knows we need someone here with half a brain. And Ghandi, you rolled up... A big black barbarian. Well aren't we dodging the black stereotypes today?

>>2817651
DERP DERP

GOOD JOB USING NAMES OF PEOPLE IN THE GROUP

ALSO TAKING THE Y OUT OF YOUR NAME

>>2817874

Kelso: What the hell are you lot doing on hospital property?!
J.D: We're... playing a roleplaying game, sir...
Cox: Bob-o, I would have thought you of all people would know how to roleplay, I mean you must image you have to pretend to be someone else every night as you lie next to your wife!
Kelso: ... Shove it up your keister, Perry, I'm going to roll up an Infernal Warlock.
Cox: ANOTHER deal with the Devil, Bob-o? I would have thought your soul wasn't worth much to ol' Beelzebub these days!
Kelso: ... I already told you where to shove it once, don't make me repeat myself.

Cox: *reads Kelso's sheet* ... What is this??
Kelso: My warlock.
Cox: It's a monstrosity!
Kelso: What, you thought that just because I'm the Chief of Medicine I don't know how to make a decent character? I've been playing this since before you started medical school! Now are we going to get started or am I going to start killing things randomly until something interesting happens?

Carla: Hey guys, I see you're in the middle of a game so I'll make this quick: Turk, I brought your dice because you left them back at the apartment.
Turk: Ahh, thanks!
Carla: So, anyone died yet?
Elliot: Carla!!
Cox: Amazingly, no! It seems Barbie's skills as a cleric are actually better than her skills as a doctor!! Though, I must admit she is finely assisted by Pricilla the magical princess...
J.D: Hey, how was I supposed to know that fireball would hit Kelso and Turk as well as the zombies??
Cox: ... and our resident powergaming, minmaxing slaughter master.
Kelso: ... What? You expect me to be apologetic? Hitting Turkelton in the back when he wasn't expecting it was completely in character!

Oh, and this is a typical session with one GM.

We haven't let him run recently.

Shadowrun:

DM: So you're trying to sneak into the super-hi-tech hotel to kidnap some random chick.
<we cart in one of the peeps, on a cart, wounded>
A: Sir, you have to let us through! It's an emergency!
Door guard: Uhh... it's an emergency? Then why are you bringing someone IN to the hotel?
B: Because we're retarded, sir. Bye.

<some minutes later>
Me: OK, enough of this. I pull the fire alarm.
DM: ...blink...
DM: ...blink...
GAME OVER!

>>2818008

8)

Distinct lack of Billy off his meds up in this thread.

>>2818008

DM: You enter the dank room. The room is large, but surprisingly hides no enemies in it's shadows.
Me: Check for traps, thief.
Friend 1: I check for traps.
DM: Roll.
Friend 1: BOOM, natural 20, sucker!
DM: You locate a magic-draining trap. Do you wish to disarm it?
Friend 2: We have a warrior, thief, cleric and 2 barbarians. It's not that big a deal.
Friend 1: I do not disarm the trap.
DM: The trap goes off, draining all of your magical abilities. You are no longer able to use spells in the dungeon.

*Later*

DM: The lich stands before you, seemingly omnipotent. The evil rolls off of him in waves, sending shudders down your spines.
Me: Wait, what about that trap that we found earlier? Didn't that disable ALL magic in the dungeon, including the monster's magic?
DM: ...
Friend 3: So, isn't a lich that is unable to use spells just a really angry skeleton?
DM: ...
Me: I attack the severely crippled lich.
DM: ...roll...
Me: I got a twenty! Hell yes! What's his AC?
DM: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

>>2818139

DM is a retard, trap only affects the creatures in the room when it goes off, Lich wasn't in the room, trap doesn't affect it.

>>2818197

The wording here is very important. "In this dungeon." It effectively created an anti-magic zone.

>>2818266
"all of your"

Doesn't say anything about creatures other than the PC's

>>2818197
>>2818266
>>2818318
Either way, the DM should have been more clear, or caught his mistake instead of sitting there dumbfounded.

Ours usually go like this
DM: blah blah this wall does looks like poor dwarven craftmanship
P1: *rolls for spot check*
DM: you see a wall that looks like poor dwarven craftmanship
P2: *rolls for spot check*
DM: you see a wall...
P3: *rolls for spot check*
DM: YOU SEE A FUCKING WALL GOD DAMN

>>2817191
Your group sounds cool.

>>2818491

My group is composed entirely of seventeen year olds. :(

>DM: You enter the dank room. The room is >large, but surprisingly hides no enemies in it's >shadows.
>Me: Check for traps, thief.
>Friend 1: I check for traps.
>DM: Roll.
>Friend 1: BOOM, natural 20, sucker!
>DM: You locate a steel spike trap. Do you >wish to disarm it?
>Friend 2: We have a warrior, thief, cleric and 2 >barbarians. It's not that big a deal.
>Friend 1: I do not disarm the trap.
>DM: The trap goes off, stabbing you all with >steel spikes. You are no longer able to not be >stabbed with steel spikes in this dungeon.

>*Later*

>DM: The lich stands before you, seemingly >omnipotent. The evil rolls off of him in waves, >sending shudders down your spines.
>Me: Wait, what about that trap that we found >earlier? Didn't that stab ALL OF US with steel >spikes in the dungeon, including the monster?
>DM: ...
>Friend 3: So, isn't a lich that is also stabbed >with steel spikes?
>DM: ...
>Me: I attack the severely crippled lich.
>DM: ...roll...
>Me: I got a twenty! Hell yes! What's his AC?
>DM: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

That is seriously how retarded you sound. Your DM is a bombastic simpleton for letting you get away with that.

>THEY ALSO MADE ME PLAY THE LITTLE GIRL/BOY.
So that means you DIDN'T wish to be the little girl?

>Rods are fucking epic.
You don't even know the meaning of that word. Go away.

I haven't had a good laugh in a while. Thanks.

Yeah yeah this is a repost but the DM lets one particular player get away with shit like this all the time.

hence the invention of the DM screen

MORE???

Me: ok so I roll the...?
DM: 20 sided one
Me: 20 that means I hit right!
DM: I didn't see you roll. Go again
Me: ... ok... FUCK 20 again.
DM: use my dice.
Me: ... piece of shit... Holy Fucking Shit 19!
DM: Miss
Me: but I thought
DM: look just sit back and learn the damn game.
Me: I just wanted to stab the ork with my raper
DM: Rapier
Jack: I like raper better.
Me: Mega Raper
Jill: The Raper: Ender of Hymens
DM: SEE WANT YOU'VE DONE! I'M TRYING TO TELL A STORY AND YOUR FUCKING IT UP YOU PRICK!
Me: I'm sorry I just figured I was going to kill stuff
DM: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE
Me: fine. By the way the Douche Bag Convention called they want their pony tail back.
DM: OUT YOU FUCK

one week later

DM: so you looking for a game?
Me: yeah
DM: we need a rogue.
Me: cool

repeat ad naseum
>I'm fucking retarded

>>2818649

source?

>>2818862
I want to say its Player 1's doing, but that's tentative.

>>2819110
It looks like his art style...

>>2819118
That, and I recall it coming out after he left /v/, and I think someone else may have said it was him as well.

Actually happened.

DM: You encounter harpies.
Stan: I orgasm on the harpies.
DM: Harpies are immune to filth. Try a different tactic for once.
Stan: I RAPE THE HARPIES!

>>2817139
>Weaponised Elephant
Boatmurdeered rolls ion its grave.
My DM loves to screw with my fighter. Half the time, I'm on the receiving end of traps and shit.
DM: You see a huge door adorned with skeletons and sklls, there is a large keyhole in the center.
Me: I take the key we found earlier and try to unlock the door.
DM: Take 5 necrotic damage.
Me: I roar in anger ands stirke the door with me axe.
DM: Take 5 necrotic damage.
Me: I'm bloodied and angry now. I punch the door and walk away.
DM: Take 5 necrotic damage.
The door opens.

>>2818649
Fucking marvelous.

>>2819298
Boatmurdered wasn't killed by elephants, the elephants just colored the place. it was killed by that fucktarted giant newt some retard built, and then engraved with masterwork engravings, and then melted.

...

It was a pretty sweet newt, though.

>>2817139

I could not stop laughing.

Where does one get all these?

>>2820774
>>2820784
It's like OotS, but it's funny and the plot is moving forward.

God-Emperor bless and keep you, Anonymous.

>>2817139
As I remember, the rules on summoning state that the creature must be summoned into existence in an environment that can both support it, and onto a surface that can withstand it's weight, etc. Meaning you CAN'T USE IT LIKE THAT.

>>2818391

That sounds familiar, my elven ranger cannot ever seem to roll over 10 for spot checks.

>>2820784
>>2820774

Be there more of these?

>>2820954

Older ones: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/epic/thisjusthappened/

Newer ones: http://challengerating25.blogspot.com

>>2820774
I don't get it.

Excellent thread

>>2821079
>>2820784
No, really, I don't get it. Why's the crit bad?

>>2818649

Hey, don't knock sucking dick for favors. I recall doing it... IN EXALTED!

Of course, being EXALTED! it was more my character being a pervert than anything else.

>>2821685

It's not that bad if you do it occasionally but this guy (yes, guy) seems to do it for EVERY LITTLE THING. Our DM isn't the type that would let us get away with shit like >>2818139 but he just can't say no to a PC offering a blowjob.

>>2818572
Oh yeah, he let us get away with so much shit it was ridiculous. Plus, this was his first time DMing if I recall correctly.

It was all our first time playing, as well.

Yes, we sounded retarded.

>>2818649
Why wouldn't he? Sexual favors in-game are fine as long as the PC is in character.

>>2823913
Agreed, but that's one of those things that has potential to bother people.

Is there any more?

Unfortunately, it looks like I need to find a new gaming group if I want to actually game. One of my groups, the one made up of my friends from high school, the one I've been with longest, we haven't gamed in forever mainly cause a couple of us have homework and stuff for college. Our dm gave up on his campaign because of it, which is fine. Gives me time to try and think of what to do for the Star Wars Saga campaign I want to try and run.

And my other group, the dm's an idiot faggot, who's also a newb to dming. That in itself isn't a problem, it's the fact that he's being a dumbshit about it. 25 point stat buy, starting at 8, standard cost. Can we say underpowered? And he neglected to inform me we were doing a DragonLance campaign. If he had, I would have made a more DL-based character, instead of the psion I made.

>>2825807
Chris: The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility.
Billy: Blast! How shalt we get through this door? King Darod and his Kingdom are depending upon us to retrieve the cure!
Gwen: I need to make a poop.
John: Wait, what did you just say?
Billy: I...think... she said she need to take a poop.
Gwen: Yeah, what about it?
John: Girls... poop!?
Billy: I am shocked, confused and offended.
Gwen: Um...I'll be right back.
John: I make an Intelligence check for my character to figure out the puzzle. I have like, an Intelligence of 20 so my character should know everything.
Billy: John! Stop being a fdouche, we just learned that Gwen poops! We need to explore this mystery further or I might not be able to sleep at night!
Chris: You guys a faggots, I'm leaving.

>>2826092
Although, I do want to look for an Exalted game, either online or somewhere near where I live, that I can jump into. I'd really like to learn how to play. Sadly, I don't know anyone nearby who plays.

>>2826125
http://current.com/items/89365020_target_women_number_two
Everybody poops. Except for women.

>>2826146
I fucking loled. That woman is great.

>>2826160
The rest are in here. (I recommend the Cleaning one.)
http://current.com/topics/88813968_target_women

>>2826125

Where do you get these from???

>>2826400
it's called content. /tg/ does that sometimes.

You might want to try a little yourself.

>>2817407
D'awwww!

DM: so you fuckers are now surrounding by Goblins and Orcs. They are all naked and are stroking their big, meaty cocks; roll init.
Player1: dude, what the fuck? Are you going to have our party raped?
Player2: my elf maiden recoils at the horrible sight, covering her eyes and blushing but slowly getting aroused.
Player1: what? You're not seriously thinking of...
Player3: my female dwarf fighter is actually getting excited and starts to rub her nether regions with one hand while sticking her other hand's index finger in her mouth. "come on boyz," she murmurs.
Dm: the monsters approach closer, the cave behind you is blocked off. Since none of you rolled, they go first. Player1, your barbarian is horribly raped in the asshole while your party watches, the dwarven fighter masturbating furiously, while the elf begins to caress her own breasts in fascination.
Player1: that's it, I'm done with your bullshit and fucked up fantasy sex roleplaying. I'm leaving.
Dm: through the trial of anal sex your barbarian discovers a hidden power that allows him to channel his sexual energy and kill the hordes of monsters.
Player1: go on...

>>2826540
...go on.

I am piecing this together from what I remember.

>>2821079

The DM had this group go through a dungeon where the only things in it were animated furniture. The talking apparently couldn't have a though without telling everyone and trying it. He thought it would be cool if to take control of one of these things. The result in the comic.

>>2821452

That was the boss and the was going to be really hard to defeat. The adventures spent quite some time setting up what they were going to do. They planned every action that needed to happen every turn.

With the plan ready they burst into the room. The key feature of the boss is that he was sitting at a desk. Because of this and the natural 20 the most the boss did was give a surprised look before getting a soulknife to the face. What was supposed to be an epic battle turned into a lesson for the DM.

>>2823913
Let him do it, but only if he's willing to "roleplay" it...