Isn't this FATAL

also that penis measurement is pretty accurate though maybe roll 3d12 and drop the highest and lowest

I am a DM -bawwwww-

However, when I first started playing, my first DM made me roll for everything. Open door? Roll for it. Really. It didn't help we were all 13.

>>2631589

In the one game of mine where that bacame an issue I made the player use 3d4.

>>2631610
That'd give an average penis size of 7.5 inches, which is above average. A d12 gives a perfect average of 6.5 inches but lacks the bell curve quality of rolling multiple dice.

My very first 3.5 campaign...oh the horror.

To start, our DM was a queen. As in a gay man who could fag it up like no other. I was in his beginner's capiabgn, where our very first game, at EL 1, we had to fight 50 zombies. Yes, 50. It wasn;t utnil I was the only one still alive that he finally Deus ex Machina'd and wiped them all out with a big wave of lightning bolts. The next session, we find out he has no care for plot or rules or mechanics in any way, shape, or form as he sends us to Castle Oblivion (Yes, the one from KH) and makes us go through a shitload of rooms where we fight Yogi bear, Muppet babies, the people from CSI, and the cast of Saved by the Bell, just to anema few. Oh, and every room we cleared, we gained a level. By the time I was level 20 I said "Fuck this shit" and used my Psionic powers to completely destroy the castle. He didn;t take kindly to me using the powers he had given to me so quickly, so he tried taking us to an alternate dimension where we got around by travelling through books. It was more of the same, and one of the other guys set all the books on fire. The DM then made us all make new charatcers, but never gave a level requirement. I made a 20th level NE Druid and went through even more of the same. finally he sent our charcters to hell, where we apparently killed everything on all 9 levels. Yeah, Even I dunno how that one happened. He finally got pissed and had us face off against his omnipotent god. We killed him too, so he raged and stormed out of his own apartment.

Yup, lovely way to start....

>>2631620

Yes but it stops anyone from having a 1" dong

Last two sessions had my friend trying his hand at being a game master. He wanted to do nWoD and thought he had a decent idea because he read Tales from the 13th Precinct.
Turns out he never read Tales from the 13th Precinct, he just skimmed it and the only thing he got was "Everyone has a reason to be together" and "alligators in the sewers".
Turns out he never even cracked the nWoD core book because the character sheets he handed out were some moron's homebrew OLD WoD sheets which left players wondering where Composure was on the sheet.
So we're cops, someone's killing drug dealers but not taking money or product. Apparently the guy who is our contact is Hector and he shows up everywhere at every conceivable time.
My friend explained he had absolutely no clue about how to get us from point A to point B so he used Hector as a crutch. Everyone thought Hector was some manner of supernatural because of his presence.
The first session had us following a lame clue to a warehouse where we found nothing except more of the same clue. It was a dead end and my friend wouldn't come out and fucking say "It's a dead end".
Fucking awful, fucking boring. Also whenever a player thought of something that might get the ball rolling or give my friend an idea it would be nixed right away.
tl;dr first time (and last time) game master runs a crpg that's a fucking three hour long cutscene LOL MGS4

>>2631639
Which is why I suggested rolling 3d12 and picking out the middle one.

Though maybe dinding the average of 3d12 (3d12/3) would work better.

/tg/ - Penis Mathematics

Imagine that your DM railroaded you into facing off against his DMPC, and this DMPC is like a clone of Guts, only emo.
listening to that shit DMPC mutter "people like you... don't understand" to himself while he swings his giant sword.

up until now, we never found out what the point of the campaign was.

>>2631698

>>2631698
Sounds like a friend of mine who has no business playing D&D in the first place. he's a fucking idiot.

I have none, though that's probably because I've only had one GM.

>>2631772

That's not a horror story. That's an awesome story.

>>2631777
No, it really wasn't.

So, it was my first game of DnD as well, and it is still running to this day (I am staying a part of it because I gave the DM a second chance).

The time of this story was around a year into the game, in a setting that the DM had made for ten years. Ten. Freaking. Years. He spent the best years of his life developing this game world, and by god it had everything from fucking names for rats to a council of mad superwizards trying to rule the world.

So here's my character, a level 11 Chaotic Good Warlock. He's a bit of an ass, but he sticks up for people he considers friends, and uses those who aren't so he can fulfill his crusade (to purge the ghetto of evil).

So far, the DM has been putting me on a bit of a plot, something involving some big conspiracy to destroy the town's magical power reactor or something. I dunno, I was sorta fading in and out whenever he put something in like goblins who could speak fluent Common, or criminals who turned into daemonettes whenever you said their name several times.

>>2631772
I may have to steal this idea.

>>2631812
So the party (consisting of me and a rogue) go through the plot, make an explosion (attracting the attention of magical ninjas), get our reward for clearing out a goblin nest.

The reward is a magical map with riddles that pissed the hell out of me to try and solve. Instead of getting a big sack of pride and the gift that keeps on giving, my guy gets teleported into this wierd quasi dimension where the two new members of the party are.

It's pretty cool and shit, walking around a highly-detailed monastery. DM promised phat loots to be had.

Then I met the other two party members and shit a brick of sheer hatred.

I'm reposting this from a few weeks ago:

AFMBE game; the setting was an alternate WWII where japan and russia were allies. not wanting to be weeaboos, we played as beardy russian soldiers. now, we were expecting to fight Nazi/Allied zombies instead we got:
a group of japanese, russian and half japanese russian lolis in mechs hogging all the spotlight. we never even got to fight zombies... we never encountered zombies. our characters just watched the DM's wet dreams tear through tanks and allied soldiers.

oh, and the loli mech pilots are also super soldiers. they can wield their mech's weapons as if they were toys.

the game never made it pass one session, we stole his notes and burned them. good times

>>2631829

With Cthulhu as my witness, I will not lie to you:
The first party member I was introduced to was a drow psion. Yes, Drizz't with mind powers. And what did he wield? Two longswords.

Two longswords that had some obscure enchantment that made it so "people with evil hearts" couldn't wield it. Apparently, Warlocks- even CG- qualify as evil people. Okay. Whatever. So I just kept my cool as he went on his usual "I'm a redemption-seeker!" tirade.

Then the party monk. The first thing that made me squint my eyes was the thick sword hilt sticking out of his sash. I thought he might have a broadsword or something, which would cause plenty of bleeding.

I was wrong. I was dead wrong.

>>2631854

Why does the monk really need a weapon?

He's got fucking fists.

>>2631873

My monk needs a weapon, it's usually another monk

>>2631883

Just get a Halfling monk and specialize in stunning attacks to the balls.

>>2631883

Monkchucks?

>>2631891

mine's a kobold

>>2631913

Well, as long as it is a short character, we are all in agreement.

>>2631931

Gilbert, my kobold wielding character is also planning to take the drunken master prestige class.

>>2631940

The best, and only monk PC that should be taken, imo.

Then again, I usu. go rogue instead, so replace Stunning Attack with Sneak Attack, and you get the idea of what I do.

>>2631946
my kobold nunchuck is already a monk/rogue

>>2631854
Continue.

>>2631970

So, essentially, you stun them in the nuts...while they aren't looking. Also, you plan on doing this while drunk off your little scaly ass.

>>2631854

continue, before this thread gets derailed

>>2631854
damnit finish

>>2631854
THE POLE FROM DRAGONBALL Z
No, I don't know.
Continue, damnit.

>>2631984
Gilbert is a kuo-toa. a drunk, kobold-wielding kou-toa.

he just beast them with the kobold, and the kobold (is still concious) just either sneaks attack or stuns the target.

I'm fairly certain that the guy in the OP comic won't be able to sleep because he'll be fapping. I know I will.

>>2631570

in b4 orc milf and gnome shota.

>>2631854
Elaborate.
Like now.

>>2631984
I lol'd. Oh, ye various gods, how I lol'd

>>2631854

We continue traveling through this demi-dimension (with the rogue player having to go out on a trip for a week, leaving us plenty of time to adventure), and eventually encounter a squad of GRIMDRK knights in GRIMDARK armor.

They have a box with something glowing inside, and the monk decides he wants the box. He tells them, "Give me it or else", and the Drow does his usual mopey "Woe is me".

My warlock suggests that they should help the knights, and promises the monk more "shinies" in the long run. The monk goes crosseyed and realizes he can loot my level 11 ass as well.

His weapon, when he draws it from his sash, is a 12ft sword. A 12ft, 3ft wide sword.

>>2632112
For some reason, the word Abigor comes to mind.

>>2632112
I am a level 11 boomstick who- at the time- had a 6d6 eldritch blast.

He was a level 10 monk who had this behemoth, which was also enchanted. I lost initiative, and he hit me three times: 150 damage total. I dropped like a rock.

DM did a fiat, where my character popped out of the demi-dimension unconscious. The rogue decides at that time to try and kill my character, but the DM persuades him to not do it.

Instead, he loots my warlock. He takes everything. Even his underwear. So I was out of a Greater Chausible, my Warlock Scepter, and a slew of other items that really served me well.

The rogue then rerolled, thereby deleting my items from the world. I had to spend all my savings just to get my Greater Chausible back, my Scepter remains at large...

>>2632112

>>2632136

It gets better. The three guys who screwed me are still in the game, but in a separate plotline (different gaming group).

I have since taken on 2 levels, and have modified my lanky ass into a blasting machine. My standard Eldritch Blast at this point is 12d6 damage, and usually I land both shots (thereby creating 24d6 damage per turn). It was later revealed that the "5 feats" that the monk took did NOT let him wield a colossal weapon, so I decided to neglect to tell the DM that Mortalbane is 5/day, and that I can only use one Eldritch Blast per turn.

I am biding my time until I can meet their characters again, and provide a 3-turn slaughter that will blow them to bloody tatters for their faggotry.

>>2632035
You gotta remember, that hot orc lady comment was filtered through the lips of a sex starved 42 year old man with a Steven Seagal ponytail.
No one faps after that...for like a month.

>>2632151
God speed, anon.

>>2632151

>>2632112

Have I told you people how very much the veins are bulging in my head today yet?

They just started to bulge even more.

12ft sword guy here. I have even more, so brace yourself.

Different DM. He's way too laid back, and the party is made up of neckbeards. They all play Evil or Evil-tendancy Neutrals. I'm the only Good character (A Dwarf Monk styled after Indiana Jones, with the whip and everything).

They ask the DM if they can be agents of Khrone, Tzeentch, etc. I am facepalming, and the DM just goes with it. Bells are going off in my head, but I agree to keep playing. Just to watch this crash and burn.

Game starts, and not five seconds in we're offered some insane amount of gold (at level 1, I think the sum was like two thousand gold coins apiece) to help out with the war afar. We all agree for some insane reason, and the night rolls by, filled with standard neckbeard "Blood for the Blood God" and "Just as planned" remarks.

Next morning, we're all railroaded into the parade grounds to line up. Some ogre/troll is marshalling the troops, and my dwarf fails to get in line on account of him being a gorram dwarf and the ogre/troll being the hated enemy of his race.

The DM railroads me by doing the stupidest thing ever. Thirteen fucking dragons fly over the parade grounds, and everybody has to roll insane will checks against Fear to not shit themselves. The dragons, quite obviously, are DM's wetdream for some big war.

We get picked out of the assembly, and we're supposed to go on a mission. Goody.

>>2632217
You should find another hobby. At least find another group.

One of the campaigns finer moments played out like this:
We had just completed a quest to find some artifact that would never end up helping us at all.
But we searched for it anyway because you can't veer this plot train off it's tracks.
DM: You see a magic door appear in front of you.
PC1:I open the door.
(Why did we not have the door checked for traps you ask? The DM will not allow rogues or any other trap finding classes.)
DM: Behind the door, you see...another door!
Players: ...........
PC1:I open the door.
DM: Behind the door, you see...another door!
PC1:I open the door.
DM: Behind the door, you see...another door!
PC1:I open the door.
DM: Behind the door, you see...another door!
(This goes on for 10 minutes. We ask him multiple times if he's just stalling and has no idea where the story goes from here. His reply is no.)
PC1:I open the door.
DM: Ok you guys are back at home now.
Players: .............
(When we asked him what the fuck the last 10 minutes was all about, he just says..."The gods work in strange ways." We lost a player for good that night.)

>>2632217
Go CE and kill everyone.

>>2632217

That mission is to sabotage the defenses of the city we are going to invade. We are given a piece of paper which my dwarf tucks into his trousers, and told it is a city of Kender. Fucking Kender. The thieving bastards who are so anti-law, they are apparently so organized and lawful that they can form their own city.

Whatever. DM must have made the race "unique" or something.

WRONG!

We go across the lands, on foot, in Plot time. When we get there, we're greeted by a bunch of Kender guards. The DM has my dwarf, the one who's talking- and looking at these bastards- roll search checks every other sentence. They somehow manage to sneak into his trousers and grab the envelope with our orders next to his purple worm.

They also manage to steal the whip at his hip without him even noticing. He's freaking talking to them, and they still manage to reach into his pants and steal the order slip, as well as his whip, without him seeing or feeling it.

Naturally, the group is imprisoned, and I say I have to go to bed (because fuck it, if an 18 can't spot those thieving fucks, it's no use to even bother rolling.)

>>2632270

>>2632282

>this thread

>>2632282
I would IRL punch my DM in the face and leave.

>>2632322

This is very frequently the best course of action.

>>2632270
at this point I would have told him just how bad he was at DM'ing

>>2632282

>>2632282
>Kender
Stopped reading, go to fucking hell.

>>2632282
I'm surprised most of these stories didn't end up with someone in a ambulance.

>>2632270
I've pulled that shtick in a Bowser's Infinite Staircase style move, only after so many doors, the PC's were unable to find their way back out the doors they came through.

I've done a puzzle where you had to go down the staircase you came from 3x to get to the next floor, and gave subtle hints as to what you had to do. But nothing like 10 minutes of bullshit doors.

I've made actual mazes that confused players until they bothered mapping them out, but never this level of bullshit.

>>2632340
Do not pass go, do not collect $200?

>>2632282
Have him roll a d20.

Punch him in the face unless he rolls a 20.

Punch him in the throat if he rolls a 20. You have to scream 'Critical Hit!' while doing it.

>>2632423
FFFFFFUUUUCK, you had this motherfucker as your DM TOO?

>>2632270
My DM pulled bullshit like this, except he was a LOT more railroady and got angry when we thought outside the box:

We were teleported into this castle/tower thing. We went upstairs, room looks the exact same. Again, exact same. Ad Nauseum for about 8 hours game time. Then the wizard says "Fuck this, I'm gonna try to teleport out."

He instead decides to dimension door, but brings a few us with him. His target is 10ft outside the windows.

He teleports, and the DM then starts laughing and says TEEPEEKAY LOLOLO.
Apparently outside was a complete vacuum, and we all died from no air.

We convinced him that it wouldn't kill us right on the spot, only do a large amount of damage. So we took 20d6 and then went back in.

He got all pissed at us and did some fiat that advanced his CHOO-CHOO-TRAIN.

Later his ego inflated to such a large amount that he presumed he was HOT SHIT DM, so I informed him of it and then left the game.

If you're reading this Shayne, HAVE FUN PLAYING SWD20 WITH YOURSELF.

>>2632500
We also had a bad end in this adventure, because the DM decided to have the NPC we had to kill be a 16th level wizard.

We had one turn to kill him, then he teleported away.

Afterwards he scolded us and said there were ways to beat him, but when I asked him he said it was for us to figure out.

He also had a hard-on for walls of force and permanent illusions. He bent the rules for his NPC, allowing him to cast a wall of force in a cube shape around himself, thus making it impossible to attack him (and then he wanted us to figure out a way to get around it).

Also, anytime you wanted to do something awesome that interfered with the story, it didn't work because "Story > Rules, lol".

Thread needs more MSPaint.

This is playing VtM. The game is set in modern London. The Bartender is the DMPC/Prince who NEVER actually answered any useful questions.

>>2632721
LOL GUYZ RNAOMD MAKE GAEM FUN

>>2632751
Yeah, really.

God that was a terrible game

>>2632772
Please tell me someone punched him in the face.

>>2632794
Unfortunately, no. We really, really wanted to.

>>2632817
how was the beer. I mean, if the bartender could kill things by winking at them, then I think he'd make one awesome brew.

>>2632721
Oh god do I hate it when that happens...

>>2632830
It was blood beer! He had shitloads of weird-ass alcoholic/blood concoctions for vampires. But, uh, it was good?

I forgot to mention, his stupid bar was on a boat, too.

>>2632840
lions on a boat...EVEN MORE UNLIKELY!

Why did you answer the door in a bar? Why would something knock on a bar door?

>>2632850
I was just about to ask how they got on there.

how do lions knock on a door?

>>2632851
Because this was the secret vampire bar. This meant it was probably a vampire who'd come to see this jackass.

>>2632850
I KNOW. At least it wasn't out at sea or anything.

But we figured out that this asshole 6th gen Setite called the Zookeeper had probably sent them. Still, what?

>>2632857
maybe they used their heads. Or just scratched at it. Can lions put their claws in? Maybe they used their paws. Or they were crazy vampire lions!

Vampires that can turn into lions. My god.

>>2632874
BATS ARE FOR PUSSIES!

>>2632857
You know what? I don't even...

>>2632874
They were ghouled lions. This is still not nearly enough of a reason for several shots not to hurt them.

This was after five hours of being stuck in a town and pretty much being forced to investigate the disappearance of the mayor my character, as well as the rest of the party, didn't give a shit about, we wanted to buy a boat and sail to another continent for our own reasons. At this point we didn't even feel like roleplaying as there was no fucking point to it anymore after being slammed with prices and pickpocketing everywhere we went.

Myself: "Ok guys, we've had no luck buying a boat in this town. Who knew even the simplest of them all cost 300,000 gold? Since the DM isn't railroading us or anything lets leave this town. I got to the main gate and leave."

DM: "The guards refuse to let you leave, seeing as the mayor has gone missing."

Myself: "Yeah, three days ago. We just came here two days ago. It couldn't have been us, wouldn't those gate guards vouch for us? And why would they let us in in the first place?"

DM: "..."

Myself: "Well, I go to an inn and buy a room for the night."

DM: "That'll be 300 gold."

Myself: "What? How nice is this place?"

DM: "Normal."

Myself: "I leave and cast fireball on the inn."

DM: "You can't do that!"

Myself: "I cast it on my own face then. Goodbye."

>>2632894
Ghouls that can turn into lions then? I mean, the fact that they were ghouled lions does not solve our door-knocking conundrum.

>>2632902
I DON'T EVEN KNOW.

I'm guessing someone else was there, Obfuscated? Maybe they brought the lions there? Or it's also possible that the lions were just sent there with Animalism.

>>2632901
How can you 'not'. I would just start murdering people like a tantrumed child until they let me out of the city.

>>2632902
Vampires that can turn into lions THAT CAN SHOOT GHOULS OUT OF THEIR MOUTHS!

TL;DR version:
"Make climb checks. I'll tell you when to stop."
And despite the fact I could have covered the distance in four rolls I make twenty-six.
Twenty fucking six climb checks, and only by pointing out you only fall on a failure of five or more did I make it up.
It was a goblin tower and my character was going to sneak in and poison their food supply.

That night a fucking unicorn goes into their tower and decides it really wants to eat some filthy goblin fodder. Congratulations, rogue, you just poisoned a unicorn.

>>2632938
yesssssss

Man, I had this awesome plan for my Gangrel but I never got to try it. So um, his Protean 4 form was a grizzly bear. You know how bees sleep when you freeze them? I wanted to take a jar of frozen bees, put it in my bearmouth, then spend blood to warm my mouth up to wake the bees up.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN BEAUTIFUL

>>2632977
Alright, I think I figured it out. Guy working for the Zookeeper smuggles lions on boat. Guy goes up with lions towards door, knocks on door to make someone go up to it, order lions to kill everyone in room once door is opened, guy runs like hell.

How does that sound?

>>2632990
I honestly don't think the ST thought it through that much, but it seems like the most likely possibility.

The best part of this was that they kept mauling ONE PC for ages.

>>2632721
lol'd so damned hard

>>2632999
Okay. So the orders were to maul the guy that opens the door, which clearly makes it a hit against the bartender.

THIS IS THE ONLY WAY IT MAKES SENSE.

>>2633007
What about the exploding?

>>2633014
FUCK YOU

THE BARTENDER HAD MYSTIC VAMPIRE BARTENDER POWERS. TO MAKE LIONS EXPLODE.

>>2633007
BUT IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE SINCE THE BARTENDER IS THIS FUCKING ALL-POWERFUL 6TH-GEN MALKAVIAN. The dude must have known that two fucking lions wouldn't be able to do anything!

>>2631620
>That'd give an average penis size of 7.5 inches, which is above average.

In most RPGs, though, the main characters are above average anyway. Heroes have bigger penises, didn't you know?

>perfect average of 6.5 inches

That's not the average...

>>2633027
But maybe he didn't! Maybe he just thought he was an asshole bartender who cared more about cleaning glasses then his customers!

>>2633038
I swear he must have!

Admittedly, the Bartender had several ghouls who looked exactly like him who would rotate with him. We never knew which was the real one.

I swear to god the ST had no real explanation for this

>>2633043
MAYBE HE JUST REALLY HATED THOSE TWO LIONS

>>2633062
Maybe it was bad for business to have lion maulings.

>>2633043
You should have just started swinging at them. When you start exploding when he winks at you, you got the real one.

Probably.

>>2633062
You know what? That's my new explanation. I'm sticking with this.

UNLOVED GHOUL LIONS ON A SUICIDE MISSION.

>>2632547
As a DM, every now and then I may slightly skew a rule or two. But, nothing to the degree that's indicated anywhere in this thread. And it always has logical sounding. Granted it's never actual mechanics or anything...I do enjoy enforcing a minor market-type system in my worlds. Which come to think of it isn't skewing the rules at all...

anyway, point is, style > substance = DANGER. However, Style = Substance = GREAT.

>>2633074
who apparently had mysterious door knocking powers.

>>2633085
Have you ever incorporated exploding zombie lions?

>>2633100
I thought we were going with this >>2632990 idea to explain the door knocking. Or they were just using their heads. Did the door have any door knockers? Maybe they used their tails.

>>2633100
>>2633109
You know what? I'm going to say that was actually just the wind.

>>2632721

Once, I had the PCs attacked by a polar bear at the start of a campaign in Freeport -- a notorious, semi-tropical pirate town.

I explained it, though (used it to set up a contact with an exotic animal dealer)

One PC died, but I let him come back as a fiat because the campaign hadn't really started, but gave him a wicked scar. He then had a cloak made of its fur.

RANDOM ANIMAL ATTACK: GOOD FOR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

>>2633137
Perhaps its better that way.

>>2633157
That's slightly better.

YOU didn't make the polar bear fucking invincible and then make the players waste a long time trying to kill it, only to one-shot it with your DMPC.

I should be mad about my story getting no attention in the midst of this discussion, but goddamn, I want to see writefaggotry about the unloved ghoulions.

Third horror story from me:

DM says it was going to be a bit of a modern arcana game. I was like "cool", and agreed. A few days later, it's the beginning game. Shit is kinda cool, had a hard puzzle or two, end up grabbing some big gold-plated book that had Egyptian writings in it or something.

Skip along, skip along, find out the book is actually some magical spellbook, tap into the elemental planes of magic, the party is now the only wizards in the world, let's go beat up some gangster with our powers, etc, etc.

Then we tap into Necromancy, and end up making an Entropic Reaper without even realizing it. Durr hurr, what do we do now. We end up summoning a kickass earth elemental who boxed the Reaper for a while, and one of us grabbed a shotgun, Holy Weapon'd it, and then blew some holes in it. Much to our dismay, it regenerated. It then curbstomped the elemental.

We were shitting bricks, and eventually buried it under the rooftop of the garage we were in. That held it down long enough for us to try and summon some sorta Tomb Guardian.

Some shining mummy came out of a gold casket that appeared out of thin air. Like in Yu-Gi-Oh.

It killed the Reaper in one hit, after playing with it for a few turns. It revealed itself to be Kali (Some Egyptian word meaning "Magic").

It was a level 60 DMPC.

>>2633234
Man, that sounded fuck-awesome until the end.

200 fucking kobolds. Most were armed with spears and whatnot, as is their custom, but the boss on the Dire Weasel had a rifle. This was their big advantage since they were 'straight from the book, no classes, no nothing' kobolds, except for that one guy.

We were level 11. We also had two DMPCs that did fuck all of nothing and ended up getting five more buddies. All seven of the DMPCs were two to four levels higher than the two actual PCs.

And, even after making both of the PCs into women because we poked a corpse(albeit repeatedly) with a stick. After making our characters have lesbian sex with all seven of the DMPCs(thank god we skipped that part). And after he had his main DMPC kill off the head of the only church that could fix our gender problem I decided to tell him that he was railroading us and that this was a self-masturbatory fuck-fest designed to get his DM-rocks off.

He said:

"No. No it's fucking not. I'm sorry if you think it is, but it isn't. You can fucking leave if you want, but it isn't."

Oh yeah, did I mention, the entire campaign took place inside a continent-wide antimagic field that ganked all of the other PC's spellcasting abilities. But his big bad 15th level multi-class druid DMPC, whose level list he couldn't remember, was entirely unaffected. I believe he called it as either divine intervention or the antimagic field didn't affect divine spells.

>>2633250

It was awesome for us too. Then we realized it wasn't vanishing like the other monsters, and was actually trying to railroad us into plot.

We're currently being force-fed some story about Kali's creation (meant to fight the EVIL POWER that some super badass Egyptian mage we will never near the potential of foresaw thousands of years ago. So he had his ass mummified into Kali, so he could help bring about the evil power's downfall).

I'm asking /an/ how lions could knock on doors.

>>2633234
Wait, so the level 60 summon stayed with the group?

>>2633157
I remember seeing this on Lost

>>2633250
Yeah that's what I thought. If this level 60 guy weren't a DMPC as such but rather just a slice of AWESOME it could have been very good.

It's all in the execution I think.

>>2633229

>>2633357
Oh god.

>>2633382
I was going to draw a bloody PC corpse in the background but I thought it unbecoming.

>>2633304

Yes, it was a DMPC. It was meant to keep us safe, so we abused the shit out of it. Hell, we even robbed a bunch of armored cars at one time.

Naturally, there was some supernatural investigation squad consisting of a bunch of Tony Starks. Who kicked our smart asses into our smart mouths. DMPC to the rescue, who killed 6 of them in less than 2 turns. We killed one after spending the entire battle working together on ingenious traps and ploys to lure them into our hitting range.

There were an unlimited number, and the DM said "He could have taken them all on, but he was more concerned about *your* fate".

So the DMPC teleports us into some underground laboratory, where we get more powerful and learn more about this improvised magic system he made up. We just got out of this underground place last session.

>>2633396
>>2633357
...

d'awwwwwwwwwww

I'm a huge fan of when the DM's wife/Girl friend is in the game. That makes games the best fucking ever.

"What that honey, you want to use 3 action points you don't have to use the same daily power on the Bandit's turn? Why certainly!"

and that was the last time I ever played 4th ed.

why won't /an/ help us.

>>2633492
Because we're the creepy next door neighbor?

>>2633472
I had the opposite happen, the guy was the DM and the gf was one of the PCs and they had gotten into some argument the day before or something and she spent the entire session trying to fuck the DM over and he spent most of his time getting back at her.... and our poor party was caught in the middle of this pms induced shit launching contest.

>>2633472
Stop playing with shitty players.

>>2633513
In before that fucking seagull.

>>2633521
:V ?

>>2633522
:V!

>>2633529
:\/

>>2633529
>:V

>>2633544
:V

And thus ends another great thread.
Not with a bang, but a :V.

>>2633572
:V

>>2633583
:V

:\/
:/\

>>2633581
>:V :V :V :V :V :V :V :V :V :V :V :V :V :V :V :V :V :V :V
:V

>>2633572
:\___/

>>2633590
You... you... DOUBLE :V

Commander finds this hilarious.

>>2632961

FUCK YOU
I was taking a sip when i got to the unicorn part. my monitor is now ice tea-y

>>2632961
Nice Job Breaking It, Hero.

>>2633609
It'd be hilarious if it hadn't happened to me.
This is the same DM who decided he'd play a perfectly rational evil character by making a family of seven rape eachother and betray other PCs on a whim because it's what evil does.

>>2633262

WHAT - THE - FUCK.

Okay, some people say "I woulda punched him in the face fool" and shit, and they might have, but probably wouldn't have. You just don't hit people over DnD.

But this, no. This is worth murder. I would have just tackled him from over the table and started stepping on his fucking face.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFfffffffffffffffffff

>>2633649
You don't punch over D&D rules arguments?
What kind of man are you?

Spying on evil woman, watching evil woman take out scrub soldiers, the team and I think nows a good time to attack, since we have to take out the BBEG to progress the greater point A to point B journey, so we attack. The BBEG is too powerful and we run away. Our DM calls us idiots for attacking something we have to attack later on, he was just letting us see some sort of Final Fantasy cut scene of how badass the BBEG is, and how she is too powerful to beat now, we'll have to beat her later.

>>2633649
Sadly, that session was over a phone line. Would have beat his ass if he was across a table from me though.

>>2633657

Hahah. I like to make cutscenes KINDA like this, except that when the PCs attack, the BBEG will say something stupid like "IT IS NOT YET YOUR TIME" or something then teleport away or incapacitate the PCs.

It leads to a fun bunch of traveling to interesting areas trying to find the BBEG, and doing quests and shit along the way.

My PCs usually eat this shit up, so I'm glad to oblige to their interests.

Unicorn-killer here.
/r/ing drawfaggotry of the table reactions and the poisoning story, just because.

>>2633696

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT.

I VERBALLY responded to this. I put my hands on my head, and went "OVER A PHONE LINE WHAT THE FUCK?!"

>>2633696
Right, what part made you rage the worst out of it all? We tore the kobolds a new asshole(other, spellcasting, PC was a shadowcaster and had Supernatural abilities that he used). There was more to it involving the DM's main wank, a Deck of Many Things, but I only involved the rage-worthy parts.

>>2633732
I believe, being as I was there, that it was to maintain a certain level of impunity with his characters.

Like, "Haha, the only thing you can do is leave and look like a whiny bastard since I was winning. No face-punching for you."

Cause, I'm like six foot two, 220 pounds, and he's maybe five nine 280 or so.

>>2633732
A friend tried to do this with me years ago.
I said "No, we'll play D&D this weekend. NOT on the phone."
Put your foot down!

>>2633733

The DMPC's. And all that crazy shit. Were you guys trying to do a serious campaign? Cus' I let my PCs know when we're gonna do a silly campaign, and if they don't want to, I make it serious.

AND THE FACT HE DENIED IT. WHAAAAHAAHAHAHWTTTAT?!

HE'S IMMUNE TO THE ANTI-MAGIC FIELD?! COME THE FUCK ONNNN! AHHHHH!

I've made DMPCs who are bad asses before, but not without making the other PCs equally badass or more.

Our DM is fond of having this human Ranger shoot at us with his bow at completely random times.

DM: Okay, you're talking to the merchant when you see a man in a cloak.
Me-Rogue: Damn it, not again.
Player 1-Monk: I get ready for battle.
DM: The ranger steps out from behind the man in the cloak and shoots an arrow at Player 1.
Player 1-Monk: I snatch the arrow.
DM: Okay, the Ranger runs into a nearby building and disappears.
Player 2-Fighter: Damn it, he got away again!
Player 3-Wizard: We'll get him next time.

OP here.
When I woke up today events began to unfold that would have normally made this a shitty day.
I can't believe I'm saying this...I hope the words come out right....
You saved my day /tg/. You saved my freakin' day and I love you all.

>>2633761
Ahahahahaah, that's pretty awesome actually.

Worst assassin ever.

So what ever happened to the 12 ft. sword

>>2633761

This made me smile. As long as he isn't shooting +5 arrows of player deletion, it should be fine. Hell, you can even make a quest about catching that guy.

Also, ARCHIVE THIS SHIT.

www.4chanarchive.org

Go to request interface, and input the thread ID and the captcha code. Fuck yeah!

>>2633780
Obligatory reminder of /tg/'s personal archive.

>>2633786

wuts dat

>>2633754
We stopped after he ran out of ideas/was done finishing up his self-wank. Two days total.

>>2633755
All but one of his DMPCs was female. It wasn't the druid either. He kinda made it this big mystery since all but the druid were slivers(no, not joking, made them as an enemy in a seperate campaign; more on that in a bit). His other main DMPC was a sliver as well and, well, let's just say that the word 'pregnant' was tossed around a bit and he wanted to make it this big side-quest to figure out which one was the guy out of all of them.

Right, the other big thing that pissed me off was that his sliver character and the shadowcaster were already in another campaign. My campaign. He told me to just write in at the end of my campaign that they walked into a time-space gate conjured from magic to continue adventuring.

>>2633796
suptg.thisisnotatrueending

>>2633801
>He kinda made it this big mystery since all but the druid
>mystery
>druid

>>2633765
/tg/ = the gift that keeps on giving

>>2633765
Don't worry, the day is still young and there's time for it to become shitty again.

>>2633801

Sometimes you just have to slap a bitch.

>>2633786
Obligatory unneccesary second post about /tg/'s personal archive.

>>2633771
Yeah, we've survived over 14 of those assassination attempts from the Ranger. He escaped every single time.
>>2633780
Actually, that's a subplot already. So far, the only things we know about him are that he has at least 11 levels in Ranger, he is capable of using Hide in Plain Sight, and he uses a Ring of Invisibility.

>>2633721
Bumping for this one last time. Same person, won't even try to hide it.
On that note I've got a fever, and the only prescription is curling up in bed hallucinating, so I may not see it as soon as it's posted.
Goodnight, /tg/, thanks for the thread.

>>2633761
>The ranger steps out from behind the man in the cloak and shoots an arrow at Player 1.

For some reason, this part made me crack up.

>>2633854
So that's what I've been trying to remember to do for the last two years since this thing happened.

Seriously, if he had made sure to tell me that this was going to be a funny campaign instead of a serious one, it might not have been as bad as it was.

Shit, seriously, since I'm feeling generous, here's a play-by play.

Day one:
Got first mission(destroy a celestial kraken for some unclear reason that he never really explained further than 'because the guy giving you the job wants it done')
Somehow managed to receive a Daern's Instant Fortress which was summoned on top of half of fifty kobolds in the first fight.
Drew cards from the DoMT, other PC got the one that makes the drawer fight a dread wraith. I jump in and we end up fighting two of the things, which were color-coded. We raped them, terribly because DM had no idea how to play intelligent monsters properly.
Instant Fortress gets besieged by two hundred kobolds. Kobolds get raped and I steal their leader's mount, a Dire Weasel after a charge-leaping tackle-stabstabstab with a longsword. He makes me leave it in the fortress as we leave, railroaded along by his small army of DMPCs.
We get to a town that is closed and dead that we cannot go around. We end up jumping and/or being magicced over it.
We find this corpse that looks suspiciously like someone we know IRL. We all hate him and I poke the corpse with a stick. Repeatedly.
Shadowcaster's alignment mysteriously changes from LE to LG.
Shadowcaster's gender changes to female.
Fighter lifts corpse onto shoulder and carries it. Ends up throwing it at the Shadowcaster.
Fighter's(me) gender changes to female.
Corpse turns into a pokéball which attaches itself to my belt and will not leave.
I throw it and a yellow rat shrouded in electricity comes out, following us. Again, will not leave.
We get to another town. Close egress for the day.

>>2633951
That's not a horror story. That is genius on the DM's part.

I guess this isn't a horror story, rather a BAWWW story for me and my players.

We had a campaign of AD&D going one time. I was DMing. They had all their PC's, one was an Elf Fighter/Wizard, and the other was a rogue. I asked them if they thought It was alright if I made a DMPC, considering it would be easier to make a storyline, and he could help them out. They accepted, considering I didn't railroad and didn't Mary Sue my DMPC. So i made a Dwarven Bard.

Our adventures we're great. We found ourselves in a cavern out in the woods, and people had rumors of great treasure there, however it was guarded by a dragon. Our player's weren't powerful enough to kill one themselves, so they asked around for a way to kill it. Rumors were around about an enchanted Arrow, tipped with poison that could kill any living creature, and enchanted so it always flies true. Insert loooong quest to find said arrow.

Finally, we get the arrow, we're in the cavern, and the dragon shows himself. My Elven Wizfighter tried to talk to it first, but he pissed it off, and it attacked. The dwarf and the rogue tried holding it off, and magic done nothing. they were losing, and there wasn't an open spot on the dragon yet (Arrow wasnt strong enough to pierce dragon hide) My Dwarf charged in for a final suicidal attack, swining wildly at the dragon as he was picked up in it's mouth and horribly maimed, leaving the rogue to open a wound. He slashes, and one scale falls off it's chest. The elf fires the arrow. Natural 20. the dragon reels over and falls to its death, Dane (the bard) still in it's clutches. he mumbles his final words, and gives the elf his lute, and then died.

My characters have built a Shrine in his honor, and one day hope that he'll be in adventure again.

Oh sorry, wrong thread?

>>2633988
I honestly didn't expect it that time. I thought the man in the cloak was The Ranger.

>>2634122
That's what makes it hilarious.

rolled 3 = 3

>>2633951
>he has at least 11 levels in Ranger, he is capable of using Hide in Plain Sight, and he uses a Ring of Invisibility.

I'm afraid that's all we know.

It was late evening, as the sworn protectors of the city we had just attended a party in our honor at which nearly everyone there, male and female alike were trying to lure us into bed for hot monkey sex.
At said party are arch nemesis showed up to taunt us, fully prepared to just vanish should we try to attack him just as he always did.
On this noght I threw a monkey wrench into the DM's plans.
Me: Why are you so fucking lame?
DM: ...........
Me: You heard me, if you're so powerful fight us. KIll us and you'll have nothing to stand in your way. Unless you're a pussy.
(This got the DM's nerdrage all worked up.)
DM: Fine...meet me at the cemetary in 15 min.
(We rush to the cemetary for the battle)
Me: Show yourself coward!
(As our enemy appears, we inform the DM that we ignore any banter the enemy chooses to utter. We call for initative. The DM rolls a 1. One wizard casts a hold person while myself and another wizard cast twin fireballs at him. The fighter and ranger move into flanking positions)
DM: What are you shooting at and attacking?
Me: Our enemy, his figure is right here.
DM: Nope, he's gone.
(The DM goes on to explain that the enemy activated his anti-magic item to halt our attacks, then cast a spell to open a portal, then summoned a grey render, all while jumping through the portal to escape, and on the lowest initiave of the round to boot.)
DM:So do you wanna fight the grey render, or not?
Me: What you did makes no sence...I can't even count the number of rules you just broke.
DM: He's a chronomancer, a master of time! He can do whatever he wants! Who's to say that gods are'nt helping him!?
(We raged...like no one had raged before!)

>>2633993
Right, we closed egress for the day on account of 'lol, you're girls now, so you're obligated to be lesbians if you're in my campaign. since I don't feel like describing it though, you're done til tomorrow'.

Day Two:
Shadowcaster determines that the corpse belonged to the religion of cthulhu. There's a church to cthulhu in this town. We head to the church.
Church is closed and we repeatedly slam into the door trying to get inside.
Church explodes, Druid walks out, dragging some guy. Druid beheads the guy, who happens to be the head of the church and runs away without saying anything.
We head back to the inn and he makes another attempt at making us play out our forced lesbian roles. We tell him that our characters don't want to and he kind of goes with it.
Main sliver DMPC is revealed to be pregnant. We don't care about figuring out how it happened and vote to move on. Surprisingly, we're not railroaded intodoing it.
We nearly die in the next dungeon before the druid shows up and saves our asses.
We fight the kraken in a cave-town. He loses an eye and gives up. Spock and some little girl with him that is from some race that dies incredibly young joins with us.
We go across the ocean, on the kraken, and end up blowing up the Enterprise-D. Evil Kirk appears on the shore of the next island, laughs maniacally, then leaves.
I get this ability that functions like a warp jump once a day. Also, if I don't use it, I run the risk of dying.
There's evil slivers every-fucking-where on this island.
Shadow the hedgehog appears and dies almost immediately.
We get warped to RL and attack ourselves with shotguns that used to be crossbows. We can't kill our RL selves and nearly die.
We kill my mom in game and treasure chests start falling from the sky.
We go downtown and the Power Rangers appear.
Close egress permanently.

>>2634147
Honestly, I expect the DM to one-up himself in tonight's session. We'll probably go to an entire marketplace full of cloaked people carrying bows, only for The Ranger to strike the moment we leave the place.

>>2634236
I... don't believe you.

>>2634236
Wait. . .what?

>>2634261
Heheh. Please recount the tale if such an unfortunate event occurs.

>>2634269
I don't care that you don't believe me. That actually happened in a session run by this crackpot.

>>2634276
You heard me.

Also, that's what we were saying at the time. I only stayed to watch it crash and burn from the stupidity of it all.

>>2634292
And, what, he had you tied to the chair so you couldn't leave?

>>2634288
Will do.

>>2634317
Again, happened over phone, wanted to watch it crash and burn. It did about the time he said, "Ok, out of ideas now. Bye." and hung up.

>>2633761 here. Somebody archived the thread in suptg before I could get to it.

>>2634236

Jesus, i've made weird shit happen in my games, but it kind of makes sense, considering it's Shadowrun. But this...

Dear god man, you and me need to play a game sometime. Your DM does not deserve to live.

>>2634373
Don't know Shadow Run, but yeah, that's why I DM now. That and I have the Rules Compendium and all he has is PDF copies of a few books.

He's not allowed to DM, and if he does, I'm immediately out.

>>2634068

Damn, you sound like a good DM.

>>2634236
I had a dream like that once.

Nothing that's happened in any of the games I've been in have even approached the level of dickery that you guys have described thus far. Instead, I had a DM that had an NPC that became a sort of running joke.

One of the players had a raging hard-on for Gather Information, so the DM put this ranting, bald, tattoo'd, smoker of a man be the go-to guy for that player's character. He would often inflict damage on the character, ranting about whatever personal problems the DM decided that this NPC was having at the time, then calm down, put his cigarette out on the character, then tell him what he wanted to know. It was surreal, having this normally timid guy as our DM turn into this hateful thing and transform back into himself by the end of it.

>>2634644
That's a pretty fair amount of win.

>>2634644
sounds like eh piitty cool guy.
Puts cigattes out on guys and doesnt afraid of anything.

>>2633761

HES THAT GUY FROM THE BEGINNING OF CTRLALTDEL