"Hurry up and fall, hurry up and fall, hurry up and - SUCCESS! JUST AS PLANNED!"

"You actually think what you do matters?"

I am so much better than the players.

I hope my players will choose the right thing in the end.

"Oh shit, they're about to reach their objective. Hmmmmmm... I think I'll make said objective explode for no apparent reason."

"I can't wait until this game is over."

"Jesus, they STILL haven't figured it out? Why the fuck are they going to Hamletburg anyway?"

"fuck, they just finished up an adventure, what do i do for them now, i know i should've made fuckign notes, alright, uhhhh, iknow! farmer has object stolen by goblins, that's always a winner"

When they see the rest of my dmpc's powers, they're gonna be SO impressed.

>>2530854

THIS IS WHAT DMs ACTUALLY BELIEVE

"If I make things easy for the chick, maybe she'll let me stick my cock in her."

"Watch me fudge this roll! The players will never know!"

"I hate that fighter. Fuck him. He's going to burst into flames and then I'll have the only thing in the room capable of putting it out be a bucket of shit."

"Alright, they've arrived at BBEG's Throne room, GO GO DMPC!"

>>2530885

so.fucking.true.

CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA

"Damn, putting flying rock avalanches into my setting was so clever."

"Oh shit they aren't reading my mind for plot advancement I'll just have to pull another character and scene out of my ass!"

"God, how can they be so fucking blind? This puzzle is so easy!"

After two hours of dicking around, they finish the puzzle.

"Finally! Took them long enough. Jeesh, if it took them that long to get the last puzzle this next one is going to take...shit they just solved it...Better pull something out of my ass to pad this session out."

"I'd better put unreasonably skilled bodyguards around this NPC, in case those bastards try to stab him and take his gold like the last two NPC's they ran into. Why the FUCK did I let them play Chaotic Neutral characters?"

"yes, yes, that's right, reenact the story i was thinking off, just like in my min- what the fuck!? what are they doing? are they berating Hruffleduff the innkeeper, who's actually a mage of the fifteenth circle in disguise? I'VE WRITTEN A FIFTTEN PAGE NOVEL ABOUT HIM, THEY'RE GONNA PAY WHEN THEY SLEEP THE NEXT TIME!"

This is what seems to be going through the mind of every DM I've ever played with:

"What the fuck?! The Rogue is actually trying to use his non-combat skills to do something rogue-like? Well, fuck that. The guards have +22 to Spot and the Locks are all DC 43 to open."

"Oh yes, thats good, assault the Innkeeper who just paid off protection money to the local thieves guild. I think I'll roll a d4 to see which one of these mongoloids gets he knees broken first."

"I diddnt bring any of my notes or anything and im an hour late, maybe if i just throw lots of combats at them they wont notice."

"These people are morons, I wish I could dump them and find a new group"

One time I showed my players a basement full of explosives, and then 20 minutes later had them confront a troll that I not so subtly told them they weren't strong enough to fight normally. They ended up sneaking past it ;_;

"<insert theme song from newest anime>"

>>2531042

"What the fuck? The party rogue isn't using any of his non-combat skills for ANYTHING. Why the fuck did he even roll a rogue? This makes....14 possible clues to the current plot that he's managed to fail to do anything about. God DAMNIT I hate these people sometimes."

"If she wasn't my sister, her elf would so have been gang-banged by those orcs..."

>>2531114

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKaIGbAA78A

*indiana jones theme song*

Just wait until you see your first encounter.

And complaining about group balance? You have no idea what I have in mind for your character.

>>2531132
OH LAWD!

''shit, stop hogging the spotlight, my half-celestial half-dragon with levels on every job has to deliver his epic speech!''

I wrote it down! That means you're supposed to magically know it! AND RESPECT IT.

"RAILROADING! brilliant! I'll just stick them all on a train, and they'll never know the difference!"

"What if my next campaign is based upon Journey to the West? will they caught the references?"

"I swear to God, if these people don't stop mentioning the Spanish Inquisition, I'm going to grab my ankles and spray shit on them. PBBHTHTHTHTHTHHHH"

"C'mon...wait for it...WHAT A FUCKING IDIOT! HE FUCKING FELL FOR IT! JUST AS PLANNED!"

This has happened like, six fucking times in the same campaign, and every time, it's been the same two players. And every damn time this happened, he got this shit-eating grin on his face.

>>2531241

Alternatively.

"FUCKING MONTY PYTHON"

>>2531299

"I swear to god, if they loudly say in a nasally voice "I attack the Darkness!" once more, I am going to get a Fireaxe and go apeshit all over this place."

>>2531324
IF THAT FIGHTER SHOUTS "I ATTACK THE DARKNESS" IN A DEEP HEROIC VOICE ONE MORE TIME I SWEAR I'LL GET THAT SLEDGEHAMMER AND GO COMPLETELY APESHIT ON THIS PLACE

>>2531354

Where are the Cheetos?

"How will I crush their hopes today?"

>>2531362

Wonder if steve'll let me have another mountain dew if I give him a +3 dagger

>>2531421

See, this is why Paranoia is a better gaming system than Dungeons and Dragons. Bribery is actually encouraged.

"None of these fuckers is gonna get an ounce of enjoyment out of MY games! No sirrie."

"FFFFFFFFFFFFF they beat my npc! What now? He was supposed to last more than one session!!!"

"I'm NEVER AGAIN going to roleplay a hot waitress, fucking undies"

"Oh, my god... Shut up about your past campaigns that you ran at school that were all epic and shit while I try running this encounter. Dammit! SHUT THE FUCK UP! How come all we're ever tasked with is inane bullshit dungeoncrawls while your other friends get involved plots? Now I'm doing! Graagh!"

"I wonder if this session will be LESS than 80% bickering."

(we love it)

"sigh I will never get laid, but at least I can make sure my DMPC does"

Sigh. I'm so tired of doing this... but I have a responsibility to my friends. Besides, seems like it's the only thing I'm good for these days.

>>2531468
We are guilty of this. Somehow we always end up referencing this one game we played... was it TWO years ago? no matter what game we're playing. (and seriously they have not shut up about my character ever since)

Now we're doing the sequel. At least it has merit now.

"A new player I've never met!? Quick, passive-aggressively assert my dominance by humiliating his character! Now I will be the cool kid for once!"

>>2531508
sigh... me too.

Them: "Who's going to DM this time?"
Me: "Well I DMed the last few campaigns and they sucked and fell apart... If I need to I can maybe come up with s-"
Them: "Great! See you tomorrow with your several hours of content ready to go!"

GODDAMNIT JUST KNOCK ON THE FUCKING DOOR!!! IT'S NOT THAT HARD! Goddamnit I hate you guys ...

"I make them take a shitload of notes they never use, I give them looks like 'are you fucking retarded?' anytime they try something and if at any point they do outsmart me they're fucking dead. Why do these faggots keep showing up?"

>>2531508
We have someone like that, except that he runs such quality campaigns that we can't match it, and he expects the same quality from us.

IF YOU'RE READING THIS, SORRY, ERIC. WE JUST ARENT' GOOD ENOUGH TO MATCH YOUR GAMES.

"What was I thinking when I allowed him to pick that overpowered prestige class?"

I never should have Okayed that homebrew class ...

Challenge Rating? What the fuck is that ....? Fuck it, I'll throw more orcs at them

During my Dark Heresy game:

"I hope this pair of hormagaunts don't results in a TPK. Although it would be cool to roll on the Perils of the Warp table."

"I'm supposed to know how the game works, but I have no fucking idea, how much time they need to realize it?"

>>2531608

That's what my players say, too, but that's not the problem. The issue is that I'm just sick of DMing/Storytelling period and would be willing to not play at all, just hang out, but I'm not sure my friends would even be interested in that.

Spoken Aloud: "That's... certainly a unique usage of Knowledge(Distilling)...."

Thought To Self: "What the fuck. He wants to brew meatwine out of halflings. What the fuck."

DO SOMETHING DAMMIT!!

*Is DMing an RPG on rpg.net*

also guys, what should I do if my players keep choosing characters like the hobokiller doctor, the whorekiller priest or a character based upon this http://wiki.d-addicts.com/Kurosagi to play in a call of cthulhu game?

>>2531739
Punch them

They hate the game, they all bitch in private windows, they don't actually care about the game, they just want their characters to get to their broken PRC combos, they constantly complain about every single mistake I make.

why am i doing this

>>2531739

Sounds like your players are sons of bitches. Your only option is to dress up like Chad Kroeger and sing Nickelback songs at them while you wale away on an electric guitar. Standing on a massive amp while you do this isn't required, but it would definitely give you a bonus on your Intimidate check. Also, you may need to get Santana involved for a single, should any particularly stubborn players be in your group.

Good luck.

>>2531779
Roll a spot check to LOOKIT THIS PHOTOGRAFF

>>2531804

If my DM did that, I would never voluntarily gaze upon him again.

>>2531804

NEVAR MADE IT AS A WISE MAN *Point to Cleric*
COULDN'T CUT IT AS A POOR MAN, STEALIN'- *Point to Rogue*
TIRED'A LIVIN' LIKE A BLIND MAN- *Point to Fighter with Blindfighting and No Eyes flaw*


ARE WE HAAAVIN' FUUUN YEEET?! (Yeeet, yeeet, yeeet)

>>2531987

*As the DMPC is introduced*

The slender elf flows into the room, LIKE-A-GIIIIFT FROM THE HEEEAAAVENS, IT WAS EEEZEEE TO TELL, that he was a master of the arcane arts as well as a masterful dancer.

>>2532046

Looking back on this thread, I can only ask HOW THE HELL'D WE WIND UP LIKE THIS, WHY WEREN'T WE ABLE, TO SEE THE SIGNS THAT WE MISSED?

"Come on, just roll with it. Dont question anything. Just finish the job... YES! Just as planned!"

>>2532046
my master got scared And said, "You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air."I whistled for a cab and when it came near The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror If anything I could say that this cab was rare But I thought, "Nah, forget it. Yo home to Bel-Air!" I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8and I yelled to the cabby yo holmes smell ya later Looked at my kingdom I was finally there To sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air.

>>2531804
>>2531987
>>2532046
>>2532056

I'm doing this in the next Call of Cthulhu game that I'm running. This will do more to establish a sense of surreality and fear than a thousand unnamed horrors and induce more Sanity checks than any number of "lol, I read the book :awesomeface:" slip-ups.

When the PCs do nothing and an NPC *seriously* has to do everythAND THEY SAY THERE'S A HERO AMONG US

"Yes, that's right, put yourself on my railroad. I'll give you the illusion of choice when I already know what you'll do."

Seriously, I love evil campaigns. The whole campaign started out with their town being annexed by an evil-er overlord, and everyone living there (including the PCs, as all good campaigns, PC action began with the words "roll for initiative") taken in their sleep and sent off to be sold as slaves. They promptly escaped and headed back to town in order to kill occupying forces and loot the shit out of the town. justasplanned.jpg

DM:

"Well the story is fucked thanks to the players, so I'm just going to make it up as I go."

"OMG... they haven't figured this puzzle out in the last 5 mins, I better just tell them how to do it and reward them for it because I can't wait that long."

"I didn't hear it because I was running my mouth about will saves on transmute, so you didn't say it."

Players:

"Shit, I better just open this door that should be trapped, without trap checking it... seeing as how I'm the rogue."

"Oh god one of my stats is lower then 15, I better fudge the numbers... great, all 18 just like it should be."

"Oh, so you gave me an intelligent weapon thats lawful/N? Well because I'm N/Evil and it's in my best interest, I'll RP it and won't tell anyone about what we talk about... And no, I'm not giving it to my Lawful/N friend."

"WTF, I just destroyed that boat with a cleverly placed fireball... WHY AM I NOT EPIC LEVEL STATUES!?"

"Wait... We have a fighter in our party with an intelligence of 5 and strength of 19? Well its probably a good idea to let him wonder through a village, he won't do anything stupid like smash through a door instead of opening it. By the way, why don't you go and pick that child up in any manner possible.
---I played a fighter with 5 intelligence and when the other players told me to do something they never remembered to tell me to do it gently... They got pissed... and still didn't bother to tell my character.

I'll put all my points on CHA because I'm self-absorbed like that... and as a fighter, this will be extremely useful.

My girlfriend just pissed me off, so tonight I'll take it out on the players... fuck it, one of them is dead.

"So a guy comes walking up to you, he's a troll wearing black leather, and a shady look in his eyes." "I'll roll crook hangouts sknowledge skill to see if I kknow about him." "Ok....nice roll, you've heard of this guy before. He's notorious for being a BTL addict." "SUP DUDE. I HEARD YOU WERE A NOTORIOUS BTL ADDICT." "The troll, surprised by your outburst, shoots you in the kneecap."

Btw, this character is a horrible Mary-Sue. He complains if he doesnt get above 4 hits from a roll.

To stay on this thread though, here is what I think.

"I will pull this out of my ass. Fuck notes."

"I want Davis's chocolate snack. Perhaps I could convince him to part with them if I subtly hint at it."

Spoken Aloud: "Hey, Davis. Want a boost to this Climb check?:awesomeface:"

>>2532460


There's a really easy solution to Mr. Neutral/Evil with the Lawful/Neutral weapon. As he "roleplays" Lawful/Neutral he BECOMES Lawful/Neutral and loses/gains anything that may entail.

"I really hate that bard, killing him flat out would be too suspicious."

"Sure weeaboo, buy that katana. I'll make sure it doesn't break."

"Why the fuck did they kill the barkeep?"

"How can they not show sympathy to this guy, c'mon."

"Would you stop calling the leader of the cult you're in a dick behind his back? For fucks sake the man can kill you act in character."

"You just attacked a random pedestrian...really now...Uh huh...No, you don't get to decapitate him with no roll. Guess what? OH SHIT HE'S A LEVEL 17 FUCKING WIZARD. Yeah. Really. Fireball to the FUCKING FACE. Hopefully that'll teach yo- Oh, you're dead? Serves you right."

"Sure, cut off the necromancer during his speech the clearly disturbed man won't be angry that those "beneath" him dare cut him off. No, that magic missile wasn't uncalled for."

>>2532731
>>2532697
Don'tfuckwithwizardsmind.

"Thing-beasts EVERYWHERE! And only 1 escape that they will probably blow up!"

Some thoughts from the faggot dms:

"Oh, I rolled a crit... hmm no that's too harsh, lets just make it a hit... hmm 32 damage... let's say 26 damage."

and

"Oh these guys are doing too good. Oh is that a 1? More like a natural 20, hehehe..."

"Kobolds? Too easy...Zombies? Still too easy....Werebears?...ohhh yeahhhh."

First level Campaighn.

"Why the *hell* do I keep allowing you to make complete, unoriginal rip offs of comic book characters? And why don't I tell you to make them *BEFORE* you come to the game, when we're ready to play. No, you can't borrow my books, buy your own, Mr. I have 20,000+ comic books, but not a single fucking RPG book."

"You! Yes, you! One, stop playing wizards ALL. THE. DAMN. TIME. It wouldn't be so bad, if you used more than a handful of spells, or if you played them other than the typical shy, bookworm, scholarly type. Make a hard drinking, whoring mage. Or a militant son of a bitch. And stop with the inspired fucking characters. 'I want a bard, in an RPG where there is no such thing as a bard'. Do you realize how freaking difficult that is to homebrew/house rule on the freaking spot??"

>>2530864
>>2530875
>>2530885
>>2530894
>>2530929
>>2530967
>>2530994
>>2531129
>>2531132
>>2531409
>>2531456
>>2531605
>>2531609
>>2531633
>>2531642
>>2532058
>>2532388

All of these have come up through the decrepit well that is my conscious mind at one time or another. I know, I'm a greatest DM ever.

>>2533172
>Make a hard drinking, whoring mage.
I have done this. It was elven Beguiler who was raised in the slums and was fucking hardcore.

No.2533172 here, yeah Logic, I wish my player would do that, but he won't. Also, gotta add one more about the wizard player.

"FFS, this is a solo adventure, and you're deferring to the NPCs for leadership/advice/survival?? W.T.F. is wrong with you!? I'm not here to play by myself, I'm here to run a game involving you, the PC."

"BLOOD MAKES THE GRASS GROW! KILL KILL KILL!"

"Yes, do this, do that. Talk to that fair folk, be a bit more dapper, more hotblooded awesome. HOLY SHIT ESSENCE 5 LUNAR ALMOST KILLED YOUR DAWN."
Exalted.

"Gee, I better throw in a few more Mary sue NPCs and try and fuck over my friends for daring to do something off the plotline of my fanfiction. They might actually have fun!"

>>2533374
>Dawn
REAL COMBAT MONSTERS ARE TWILIGHTS

"... That was an incredibly well-thought plan, one that actually makes sense due to Jethro's wizard's 18 Int. I should be proud that he did something so clever."

...

"NAH, FUCK 'EM!"

"I should've made them roll up ten death-replacement characters each, five was too little."

"Ha! It took 3 weeks of work, planning and meticulous plotting, but my entire campaign has been plotted out to a T!"

*Next session*

"FUUUCK. All right, put on rubber gloves... ass, don't fail me now..."

*Few more sessions, notes are in the rubbish bin*

i really wanna go do something else, so i'll just rush through the rest of this campaign and then go on the computer.

If you fuck with my plans, I will kill you.

ya know, I've experienced several of these scenarios, both as a player and DM. I tried to learn from them, with varying levels of success.

gotta say, honestly, I've gotten so good at mental Tai Chi that every stupid half-wit idea that they blurt out gets turned into almost pure gold, and they get pushed along the prewritten adventure path (currently running Savage Tide again) and think to themselves all along "oh, man, I am so awesome! my character is so uber! our party is so great! this is so awesome!"

I've kind of become like a parent that's bored with their kids bringing home stories from 1st grade every day. "thats nice dear. daddy's trying to read a book. go play outside."

I seriously don't think they notice that ~I~ put all that together for them. ~I~ am the clever sonuvabitch that has made this story your greatest triumph, dipshit. I took some standard stuff from a magazine and adapted it into the hardcore metal shit you crave. and these motherfuckers won't even pay me.

"Maybe if I make this campaign so unplayably bad, they'll decide to skip me next time it's my turn to DM."

"The Half-Orc Barbarian's only used Rage once in this campaign we've had going for at least 3 years? lol"

Everyone at the table always rags on me about it.

DnD, Octopus in water, we're in boat. I'm a druid.

Alrighty then, MOTHERFUCKING 3 LIGHTNING BOLTS, GODDAMN.

"Bolts completely in water away from boat."

"You all fall into the sea from the impact of the bolts."

OH WHAT THE HELL MAN.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!"

>>2533533
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU

>>2533535
how big of a boat was it?

did you ask how close to the boat the octopus was?

still, deffinately cheap.

I had a DM that liked to throw really retarded shit at me. really grotesque stuff that was an embarrassment to the game, really. counter-character tactics and "your worst nightmare" kind of shit. but it'd always be some fucked up illusion. so I'd just start every game with him with "I make a will save to disbelieve." and I'd do that every 15 minutes or so. it got to be real bullshit.

another time, I spent a whole fucking game investigating a mystery that led me back to a cleric that claimed to be of the same faith as my Paladin. when I finally started suspecting him, I asked "what color are his robes?"

"red."

"thats not the standard robes of my clergy. he's an impostor. why didn't you say he was out of the ordinary to begin with instead of fucking with me for the past 3 hours?"

"you didn't ask."

seriously, I fucking STILL RAGE about that, and that was 6 years ago. I stopped playing with that guy after that.

>>2533516
>~I~ am the clever sonuvabitch that has made this story your greatest triumph, dipshit.
Some of us love our GMs for this. Oh, and we help the GM out. It actually DOES become a collaboration, and the result is awesome. You need better players.

>>2533535
Did you, at any point in that campaign, use a lightning bolt to push something? Because lightning has no impact and Does Not Work That Way.

>>2533621

no kidding. I usually get one out of every group that makes it worth my while and works with me. honestly I TRY to work for ALL my players, because I realize its a collaberation, and it's supposed to be fun for everybody. but some of them are just fucking oblivious, or dumb, or thay're just there because they have nothing better to do and just don't care. aggravating, really.

>>2533655
Do said players not do ANYTHING unless they're being railroaded? And even then they still don't do anything even if they're given plothooks specifically tailored to them?

Or maybe they don't have any character motivation or thoughts beyond, "I will kill the thing that is between me and things that I want!"

yeah we have those and they suck. Especially when Oblivious McNotDoAnything was like YOU ARE FAVORING m/ShI!!1 because my character went from sucking horribly to being awesome over the course of the game due to NPC influence and my OWN choices and actions (as well as the goals I started out with).

"These idiots can't role play out of a wet paper bag. Their characters are one dimensional using only their stats for meta gaming."

"I clearly stated I wanted riggers and deckers only, and I end up with every PC having those abilities tacked on as an afterthought."

"Fuck, gotta draw up another map for another encounter..."

>>2533683

I actually know how to put some pretty tantalizing bait in front of them. they're predictable. predictably difficult too, like the one who ALWAYS wants to play a homebrewed/unnapproved race/class/prestige class. or the one who absolutely HAS to play chaotic nuetral or evil in a chaotic good driven campaign. or the dick who just WONT listen when I say "the party has two rangers, a rogue, a wizard and a cleric, and a monk, but we have no heavy martial class and no extra healing. I recomend chaotic good pali/barbar, there's even a special story arc for just that type, and I know you're good at it from the last time you played it."

... so he plays a nuetral ranger/sorcerer pirate asshole that uses gay ass clawed gauntlets and fills no important roll.

then he tells me he's got "the black sopt" ala POTC, and can't go on teh water or a boat...

in a nautical campaign at low levels.

fucking RAGE!

>>2533766
Stupid railroading DMs.

"Here's your character. He's a Dwarf Fighter. Oh you don't like that? Well, we already have a Cleric, Wizard, and Rogue. We need a Carlos the Dwarf. You're good at that. We need the tanker. One of us. One of us."

fucking RAGE

"Jesus Christ I have nothing planned what the fuck oh god"

"I am getting tired of these assholes. There is only three of them at level 2. Lets send a troll at them"

>>2533778

"Hey, I know you like this role and we happen to need one, I'll toss in an extra sidequest for your trouble." == "PLAY THIS, FAGET"

What the fuck is wrong with your brain if that is honestly true to you.

>>2533795
"Hey I'm an uncreative DM that can't adapt. My autisms are a'ragin today and I spent the afternoon playing JRPGs so I'll just railroad them nicely in to little pre-prepared Final Fantasy sub plots. They'll love it! If they don't, I'll just sit there and pout until they give in!"

>>2533766
Fortunately, I'm playing 4e, so my players know they're likely to die horribly in equal-level encounters if they don't pay attention to group balance. I don't have to do a thing but make the rolls in the open.

>>2531649
This. This. This.
And the fact that I make up most of the stuff per session off the top of my head.

"Why aren't they enjoying this? I'm only using the manual from Neverwinter Nights and not allowing them to take any feats from it to boot."

>>2533818

"I'm a bitter little antichrist of a player, long ago rejecting the idea that players and DMs could ever work in concert to tell a collaberative story on purpose, it's player vs. DM, always and forever, fuck anyone who says otherwise they're just trolling liars. That's what I tell myself whenever I Chaotic Stupid all over the fun the other players are having, anyways."

>>2533828
Shit. I make up a decent portion of the stuff that goes on off the top of my head.

I have a general plot that I can easily change to fit the PCs' actions and plans.

>>2533778
not trying to railroad the guy, just honestly trying to play to his strengths for his own sake. his best ideas usually revolve around that genre, and that's usually when he has the most fun, because it comes naturally to him (this is a friend of 10 years, so I know this about him. this was an attempt to give him some spotlight and some good gaming oppertunity, since he hadn't played wit hus in a long time.)

but that ranger/sorcerer was just poorly thought out and ended up being next to useless. the bow ranger and wizard were better blasters, the two-weapon ranger and the rogue had the flanking game down, and both were dual-weilders. the character he ended up making, even thoug he KNEW what the party was made of, he still decided against that suggestion.

I know my players. I don't think he did it to be contrary, not entirely anyway, but he did surprise me. but he got mad at ME when the character he built just didn't stack up. even after I told him so.

and THAT, my friend, is why I fucking RAGE about it. I really don't support the idea of MAKING anyone play a specific type of character. I usually end up biting the bullet and letting them play it. but if they put it together poorly in a failed experiment and don't try to work WITH me on it, and they get smeared by a trap or waylaid by a random encounter monster, thats their own fault. I gave every oppertunity.

"Oh look, the rulebook! Oh look, a convienently placed open window!" *chucks*

"Maybe I could base this next campaign in Acranum..."

O.o Oh, crap, probably something to the effect of "What the fuck can I throw at these guys this time?"

Ian is, like, the king of making epic boss fights/encounters. We never fear the big figs, but GOD HELP US IF HE WIPES TO BOARD AND PUTS DOWN A SINGLE MEDIUM OR SMALL SIZED CREATURE. >> We'll seriously fight, like, giants and shit and then wind up getting our asses handed to us by a halfling.
Who happens to be vampiric.
And a monk.
Who specializes in tripping and throwing.
and can throw up to Gargantuan sized creatures.


Seriously. >>

"This is a freeform game, why do these idiots keep asking what the starting level is?"

"Man, I love using Scorpion. Plots within plots, and I can make up an end goal when they expose it if I have to!"

OMG Darksun is so awesome! I should make all the plants and animals and monsters and NPCs psionic in our campaign too! I just came! :awesomeface:"

TPK at level one by a patch of psionic carrots while investigating a "haunted farmhouse."

"There'll be peace when this is done... Maybe."

>>2531172
Seriously, she has this thing for taunting orcs and in any game where she was not a player, I would totally have that elf ravaged senselessly to beat down the player's showboating. But she's my sister and even a GM has to skirt around a 22 year old girl crying because her character was violated by orcine dong.

Maybe I'll just nuke them.

>>2534184
>Players shouldn't ever get to look cool!

>>2534205
>PC actions shouldn't have even the most obvious consequences! Smack-talking a band of barbarous, blood-thirsty raiders should have them clapping their ancient racial enemy, and a female besides, on the back for her courage!

>>2534223
>hurr durr derp!

ITT green text and more green text

>>2534227
You seem to have mis-spelled "Hmm, you have a point. Maybe the whole game isn't about surrendering completely to the player's smallest whims".

>>2533766

Sure that pirate guy is lame but as far as classes in a tabletop game go.....

It's not WoW. You don't -need- a holy paladin, prot warrior, and combat rogue to kill the BBEG. And should be able to adapt an encounter as needed or the players should find creative ways around "missing" classes.

IE: "The dwarf fighter, the human fighter, and the gnome fighter of the band of beards stumble upon a trap! There is a medium vent in the ceiling with a grate on it, and The walls begin to close in AND POISON FUCKING GAS IS RISING FROM THE FLOOR!"

DORF: I THROW ME CLOAK OVER THE GAS VENTS AND HOLD IT DOWN WITH ME THROWING AXES, YA BASTARDS.

Human: I THROW THE GNOME AT THE VENT, FULL FORCE.

Gnome: I GET IN THE VENT AND TIE A ROPE IN MY PACK TO WHAT'S LEFT OF THE NOW BUSTED GRATE AND LOWER IT DOWN.

THE BAND OF BEARDS CLIMBS TO SAFETY, ALL WITHOUT A ROGUE. CASE CLOSED.

"You geared your character to result in a TPK, didn't you?"

>>2534239

Well, it's an understandable mistake. I mean, the keys are right next to each other, after all.

>>2534332
How does he get his throwing axes back?

ITT what players actually believe.

or alternatively

ITT what really shitty DMs actually think

>>2536360
WHY WOULD HE WANT THEM BACK

HE HAS LIKE FIFTY

>>2536390
Really, becuase he never specified a number, to me it sounds like he just dumped all of his throwing axes on top of his cloak.

"Oh Jesus they're going to die in the first encounter, fuck sake.

"Hotel California? That sounds like a great idea to base my next campaign off of!"

Oh, you want to play a frenzied berserker, huh? It's going to be pretty funny when you get hit with a dart trap and I make you slaughter the whole party while frenized.

"Okay, they're in an office, about to have a meeting. How can I screw with them. Make the chair break and have the higher clearance citizen blame them? Maybe...nah. How about having a secret society call one of my players mid-conversation, angering the society if they don't answer, possibly having the computer interject? Nah...too dull. How about having the chairs be two different colors and then have the higher clearance citizen force them to sit? Heh heh...perfect."

>>2536418
Actually, I'd play a campaign like that.

>>2536437
I did play a camaign like that. I turned out that the innkeep was a necromancer.

>>2536418
I've actually been thinking of that.

Silent Hill style thing. Players go into the "California Hotel", having to stop for the night, and there they face some psychologically traumatizing problem or foe. They can check out any time they like, but they can't ever leave.

"Hmm, these guys arn't killing peple anywhere near fast enough. I know! I will have them stumble onto a factory producing unrefined millitary-level combat-enhancing drugs!"

Naturally, it ended in PC deaths due to massive overdose.

"Holy shit, that druid just did HOW MUCH DAMAGE? I'll just mark off 10"

>>2536462
Thanks edward, you got nickelback out of my head.

>>2536540
Hey hey, I wanna be a rock star.

>>2533612
Ni-Ni-Nice boat.

>>2536540
Happy to be of service.
>>2536550
Do you want a new tour bus full of old guitars? Your own star on Hollywood Boulevard? Somewhere between Cher and James Dean fine with you?

well, at least you would not be worst than Conroy Bumpus.

>>2536584
How DO you get a Hollywood Blv star? Who do you pay?

Also, Nickelback kinda suck. ;_;

You do what now? HA! You retards

"Oh shit, actions slowing down, throw in another random encounter!"

>>2536620
>Action's
self fix'd

Have an epic level ranger as an apology.

"One day all these these things I make up on the spot are going to come back and bite me on the ass...
"Oh, shit- the PCs are in the new area? Fuck, hurry up and make something up, you moron!"

"i wish this guy would stop roleplaying i want to roll the dice"

>>2536625
Once you mentally connect Kino with Roland, nothing can ever undo it.

"rpderpderpderpderpderpderpderpderpderpderpderpderpderpderpderpderpderpderpderpderpde"

>>2531716

Hi Duncan

>>2536658
She has all of her fingers so it doesn't work for me.

>>2536698
Crap. Someone draw Kino with two missing fingers?

"The party's got half a tank of gas, a pack of cigarettes, and they're wearing sunglasses. At midnight. HIT IT."

>>2536711
>it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.

>>2536717

>>Hit it?

"Where are those spare character sheets, you're about to need one"

"I want turkey, salmon and chicken, oceanfish flavours, keep me lickin'- shit, what did he just say?"

"Your ass is mine. That's right. I think words I would never speak."

"You expressly made your character for alternatively the being the sole combat based character in the party and comic relief. Fuck you, GRIMANDDARK and crop negotiations."

Fuck you, Ben.

"I like chicken, I like liver, MeowMix, MeowMix, please deliver.."

"Alright, so I've statted out a Huge Obdurium golem with a vampire spawn Mindflayer head attached, a chest compartment full of Beholder eyes and a Portable Hole installed so they can't kidnap it with their epic bag of holding...

Now I'll just show it to them and not use it in the game at all."

"REMEMBER MY MOTHERFUCKING NPC'S NAMES YOU HATCHETFACED LOBSTERCUNTS

WRITE IT DOWN IF YOU NEED TO YOU BRAINLESS SHITSTOVE, I SPENT TEN FUCKING HOURS WRITING THIS ADVENTURE YOU CAN WRITE DOWN A NAME FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF"

something along those lines

"Okay, now i drop the subtle hint that they should talk to the bar keep... And they're ignoring it. Okay an-- Now they're starting a bar fight. Now they're setting the bar on fire."

"Screw it. I'm going Eye of Argon on the asses."

>>2538228
>hatchetfaced lobstercunts

/tg/ always comes up with the best insults.

"I wonder if they'll realize there's no world out there beyond the town's limits. Oh shit.. oh shit... they're trying to escape. I'll throw some town guards at them until I think up some better diversions."

"Stop rolling so goddamn high you fucker!"

"Haha, you've hit a low-roll streak."

Every goddamn time. I have highs and lows. The lows tend to come at bad times. I once had a low trying to clmb a ten foot high cliff thing.

Fucking bruised and battered by the time I finally got up.

FFFFFFFFFFFFF

"Damn. These new gamers know how to CharOp. My girlfriend is complaining about their classes but what can I... Aha! I'll give them a zombie encounter every few hours as they travel. That way, the Sorcerer can't sleep long enough to get any spell slots back."

Thanks, Conan.

"Hm. Their saves are sorta high. Let's see how they handle some arbitrary Balance and Tumble checks, then..."