Little early for Christmas, guys..

Silly Emperor, Papa Nurgle delivers present.

Your a dying fugly corpse.

The Cupid Heresy

>>2330110
inb4 heresy pic....

>>2330107
It's never too early for christmas advertising.

In b4 inquisition report on daemon Santa Claws

>>2330122
In during.

Begin Transmission

Repetition of General Directive 264-A-XCIV

To: Distribution, Sectorium Primus From: Office of The Grand Inquisitor, Ebineezar Grinchanius Re: Yearly Chaos Incursion

This purpose of this notice is to remind the forgetful of the annual visitation by the minion of Chaos known to the unworthy as Santa Claus.

+++ The Emperor's Light Banishes the Shadows of Heresy +++

Ho Ho Ho Ho!

Happy Heresy and Merry Chaosmas

>>2330127

As the diligent will recall, the incursion occurs regularly every 8742 to 8766 terran hours, roughly corresponding to a terran year. This trespass has occurred with disturbing regularity since at least the Horus Heresy, and perhaps longer, as many records were misplaced.

+++ Love and Obey the Emperor +++

The faithful will recognize the target on sight, as his garb and gear mark him immediately as an agent of the abominations.

Santa Claus is a corpulent, bloated creature approximating the human form. It wears a crimson tunic the color of fresh blood, marking him as a possible follower of Khorne. It is bearded, mocking the honorable squats, and its hair is a sallow shade of gray, betraying its unnatural age. Be advised that despite the creatures fearsome name, no claws have been observed, and the former is likely a ruse.

The target has been observed in the company of smaller creatures having the appearance of thin (less than 30 kg, approx.), stunted (1.5 meters) humanoids with pointed ears. Their appearance suggests the involvement of the decadent Eldar, and although that race denies involvement (*reference the Rudolphian Campaign [index 111-BGE-MMXCII- Primus], specifically the Battle of Yukon Coneliaus IV [ibid., index 6]*), agents are advised to be prepared for their involvement, as the Eldar are known for their deceitful ways.

>>2330130

Santa Claus is conveyed by means of a grav-sled powered by unnatural livestock as detailed below.

The target's vehicle is a grav-sled. It has superfluous runners which are used only on landing and take-off. Despite the appearance, no frozen water is necessary for its operation (another ruse). The vehicle's resemblance to the foul Palanquin of Nurgle should not be discounted, even though the colors continue to be reminiscent of Khorne.

The device is powered by the unholy ministrations of eight or nine quadrupeds. Ordo Malleus scholars have identified these creatures as warped versions of an extinct species of terran mammal known as a Moose (reference 900002-ER-CIV). These beings single-mindedly pull the target's vehicle during its yearly invasion. They are outfitted with belled harnesses which are apparently imbued with the ability of flight. These beasts have been likened to the Fiends of Slaanesh, and such a comparison should not be dismissed too lightly, as the creatures shed a luminous substance as effluent as they move. Inquisitors should take care to avoid exposure.

Perhaps more disturbing is the variable number of the minion- creatures. On occasion, a ninth Moose has been observed, placed before the other Mooses. This creature radiates a sickly reddish glow from its snout, as a psychic beacon to other followers of the Vile Ones. This Chaotic device has allowed the target to navigate despite our best efforts to jam its navigation systems.

>>2330131


+++ Blessed is the Virtue of Blind Faith +++

Santa Claus gains entry to the domiciles of loyal Imperial Citizens (see below) and leaves small Chaos Rewards to tempt the faithful.

Inquisitors are reminded to confiscate and incinerate these items before any lasting damage is done. As a localized temporal distortion field is in effect around the target, these items are secreted in the habitations of the Imperium at exactly 2400 hours in every location defiled by the creature. It is therefore possible to gain entry to the citizens' cretches and remove the items (often cunningly hidden in footwear) before the citizens are aware of the heresy that has been committed upon them.

In other cases, removal of the items after the citizens have discovered them is possible. In such situations, small children are occasionally loath to surrender the items, as the tainting of the juveniles has already begun. Executions of the above are to be handled in the most expedient manner possible.

Often, juveniles that are well within the Emperor's Grace are given small blocks of graphite ore rather than the more tempting gifts visited upon the less faithful. The identity of these individuals are to be recorded, as future recruitment into the Inquisition or Adeptus Terra is possible. [Note: Inquisitors or other agents who do *not* receive the graphite stones should be watched carefully]

Santa Claus enters the domiciles be way of heating ducts and waste vents. The size of the opening is not a factor, as the creature can adjust its mass and displacement by means of psychic manipulation. Mining these openings with frag, krak and other demolitions has proven unsuccessful.

>>2330133

The creature egresses by the same means, after ritually caressing his nostrils. No mucus has ever been recovered.

+++ The Death of Emperor's Enemies is the Only Gift We Can Give +++

Although all previous attempts at the destruction of Santa Claus have failed, Inquisitors are urged to make such an attempt whenever possible. However, of more importance is the suppression of cultist activity associated with the yearly incursion. The Tainted have been known to erect shrines in their homes in the form of shrubbery adorned with baubles and lights [Note: the shrubbery is often highly inflammable, and offers a discrete method of executing the offending heretics without calling undue attention to the operation]. Other warning signs include: hallucinations involving sugared candies during slumber; excessive singing; references to 'A magical time of year' (note the influence of Tzeentch); the construction of effigies made of snow; and the performance of Slaanishi rituals while underneath plant clippings of the genus phoradendron flavescens.

Once again, executions should be handled in an expedient manner.

End Transmission

>>2330130

>>Santa Claus is a corpulent, bloated creature approximating the human form.<<


A challenger appears...

>>2330130
>>2330133
>>2330134

I lol'd

>>2330131

>>Santa Claus is conveyed by means of a grav-sled powered by unnatural livestock as detailed below.<<

I can walk, you dick.

how does the emprah fit his golden throne down chimneys?

>>2330186

>>2330098
The Emperor is already dead, the psychic light is that given off by 1000s of psykers dying.

>>2330190
>>2330192

HERETICS!!!

>>2330192


....my childhood is ruined....

>>2330192
No the emperor Directs it. Dying psykers fuel it, but it's shaped by the emperor. When he was still fuck-awesome the emperor could do both by himself.

>>2330231

This awesome?

>>2330369

THIS THREAD JUST BECAME EPIC

/r/ archive

>>2330369

>>2330379

OMG EPIC WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN

NEW MEME NEW MEMENEWMEME!!~!1

>>2330127
Sometimes I'm fucking embarassed to like the Imperium. They're almost as intolerant as modern day Muslims.

>>2330488
0/10

>>2330488

>>2330488

Do it faggot, etc

God Emperor of Penguins is superior!

You faggots are missing the point: I LIKE the Imperium, they're just so Goddamn annoying.

>>2330548

Stand in line and be ready to receive your Imperium issue gift

>>2330523

>>2330559

>>2330548

Why so serious?

>>2330564

>>2330855

>>2330925

>>2330990

>>2331395

>>2331396

>>2331412

c-c-c-c-combo b-b-b-b-breaker!

>>2331418

>>2331422

>>2331418
>>2331424

>>2331450

PURGE THE WITCH


>>2330133

Also, I happen to enjoy those chunks of graphite... they motivated me to become the hollow and essentially undead monstrosity that I am today. Thank YOU Emperor Claus.

Little girl: Mr. Inquisitor, why, why are you taking away our christmas tree?

Inquisitor: Because... umm... HERESY *BLAM!*

Parents: What was that honey? Oh nevermind, go back to sleep.

>>2331506

SQUAD BORKEN

>>2331526
ORKS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY!

>>2331567

>>2331506

/r/'ing drawfaggotry of this plox.

In return, the Emperor Protects.

nigger the golden throne is in nottingham not the north pole

>>2332012
YOU. TAKE. THAT. BACK.


he **DOES** bring us presents!

>>2332051
What kind of presents? Unmatched levels of cruelty suffering and misery?

>>2332063


and don't forget the superstition!! I ask for it every year, and He delivers.

>>2332063
Thats pretty damn generous as we common citizen receive unimaginable excesses of cruelty suffering and misery for the rest of the year.

PRAISE THE EMPEROR!

>>2332074

This sort of spirit of giving calls for just one thing....

>>2332088

Grand Theft Auto.....Suit?

http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/2330098/

>>2331450

>>2332397

I see what you mean...

>>2332140

>>2332403

>>2332488

rolled 3 = 3

Some pre-4chan 40k copypasta:
The Night Before 986996.M41

'Twas the night before 986996.M41, and all through the station
All there was clear, there was no abomination.

My helmet was set on the desk to my right,
On the chance that I was to need it that night.

The guardsmen were ensconced, asleep in their beds,
All the tanks too were safe, secure in the sheds.

Marines in the barracks, some manning the wall,
Assured me that the bastion never would fall.

When out in the yard there arose such discord
I grabbed up my bolter and unsheathed my sword.

Away to the window, I ran to take aim
As the marines around me all did the same.

My bionic eye turned the night into day
Allowed me to see, and to seek out my prey.

When what did my loyal ocular show,
But an ancient conveyance, knee-deep in the snow.

The vehicle was pulled by horned quadrupeds
And a fiery red nimbus glowed from the sled.

The driver was mighty, his eyes full of scorn,
Dressed all in crimson like a servant of Khorne.

I gestured for other to shoot without pause,
For I was now certain this was Santa Claus.

"Fire Marines! Fire Guardsmen! Fire Ogryn and Ratlings!
Fire bolters! Fire lasguns! Fire mortars and gatlings!"

"You in the courtyard and you men on the walls!
Now blast away! Blast away! Blast away all!"

But all through this maelstrom the evil one flew,
Past plasma and bolt shells and frag that we threw!

And then, to my horror, I heard on the roof
The vile cavorting of each decadent hoof.

Screaming my orders, I spun quickly around,
As down the chimney shaft it came with a bound.

>>2332548
I saw its eyes glow, its vast stomach gurgle,
Bloated and fat, like a deamon of Nurgle.

Blinded by anger, I attacked with a scream -
Charged into battle with my brave Space Marines.

As we thundered towards him, closing the rift,
He reached in his satchel and pulled out a gift.

Then it tossed the vile boxes - I fell in a stoop,
As they arced through the air at me and my troops.

The wrapped missiles fell short, and plopped at our feet,
Our morale was strong, we did not retreat.

But the marines paused - our charge was disrupted,
They picked up the gifts and were quickly corrupted.

For each box contained a chaotic present -
The marines (damn their souls), found them quite pleasant.

A bolter, a flamer, a new power fist,
The Claus gave to all, and he checked off a list.

It moved through the station and left in its wake,
The sound of bright laughter and the stench of fruit cake.

The others succumbed, but it failed in its goal,
For to me it gave only a small pile of coal.

The station was lost, I could only instruct
The bastion computer to set self-destruct.

I failed to kill him, for I saw as I fled,
The target escaping, quite safe in his sled.

I heard it cry out as the base burst into light,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

>>2332557

>>But the marines paused - our charge was disrupted, They picked up the gifts and were quickly corrupted.<<

SINCE WHEN COULD SPACE MARINES BE CORRUPTED?

>>2332609
>SINCE WHEN COULD SPACE MARINES BE CORRUPTED?
I honestly don't know.

>>2332609

WTF is that guy talking about?

>>2332643

HERESY!

>>2330508

Wait what? Since when do we like muslims?

>>2332690

In b4 racist shitstorm

SAND NIGGERS

>>2332813

They travel single file to hide their numbers.

>>2332690
After one saved my life when I was racing down a hill toward a busy traffic crossing on one of those car toys as a toddler.

>>2332690
Technically, I'd think since Saladin.

>>2333006

>>2333136
dunnolol

I'm just going by what I heard, and Saladin was said to be one of the righteous heathens or something like that.

>>2333136

>>2333168
Fuck I recognize this.

>>2333168

Don't make me contact my lads sir: they will veritably mess up the manner in which you live your life, for quite some time afterwards. Indeed, if you do not cease and desist with your staring immediately, I shall have to resort to what the uneducated call "violence."

>>2333157
Dante does place him there, yes.

>>2333195

wut

>>2334320
>>2333195
>>2332813

>>2335163
I always hated that guy. Honestly, the power rangers should fire their communications guy for entrusting the safety of the planet to some cosmic lardass. I'm surprised there wasn't an episode where he asked them to run down to McDonalds for him.

>>2335624
He wasn't actually there, dude. He was broadcasting astrally last time I checked. Died in the 5th season, and he looked WIERD in person.

>>2335624
You do realize that Zordon is essentially the God Emperor without the whole comatose thing, right?

>>2335637
Even more reason to hate him. Impersonating the Emperor is treason on the highest level.

>>2335647
>>2335637

HERESY?!?!

>>2337547

SADNESS?

>>2339082

>>2335647

Unless of course he WAS the emperor. Who else could survive being placed in a tube and being fatally shattered by a space emo with a TTGL-lite drill?

>>2339571

as above

>>2330098


>Did you know that it takes the sacrifice of ten of thousands >of psyker souls to keep Santa Claus alive and his north pole >beacon alight?

>know that it takes the sacrifice of ten of thousands of >psyker souls to keep Santa Claus alive

>takes the sacrifice of ten of thousands of psyker souls

>sacrifice of ten of thousands

>ten of thousands

as in the ratio 10:X000?

>>2339868

Doesn't that make sense though? The Black Ships are CONSTANTLY picking psychic folks up for "obligatory duty," yet psykers are STILL coming out of the woodwork.

Therefore, I stand by the OP (who I happen to be, in related news): the Emperor's North Pole beacon is in fact powered by a ratio of 10 psykers killed per every thousand psyker alive.

>>2340341

>>2339669

>>2340577