'I pee on the chemical fire.'

'what'

" i throw the dwarf into the crusher trap's gears"

"With that incredibly lucky, 50+ points-of-damage axe crit your space wolf* has finally managed to damage the dragon after 3 rounds of the rest of the party whaling on it to no effect while it slams them into the castle ramparts. It roars in pain and looks very annoyed, though not really injured in any significant way."
*genre crossover game, players work for a multiverse-spanning secret organization.
"My character yells out to everyone else, 'Stand back! I will take this creature down myself!"
My jaw literally drops.

Seal off the outlets to the city sewer system. Plug all manholes we can find. Come back a day later to allow the gases to accumulate and fire mage nukes the city. We never did discover what was down there but damned if we wanted to risk our lives.

"I'm going to ride the Ebon Dragon."

I was in a Vampire: The Requiem game with a bunch of my college friends. My roomie, who was DMing, had us going to one club where all of his PCs were in one spot. We hated most of them.

Apparently, he had forgotten the large amount of C4 he gave to one of the party members to sabotage a subway tunnel...

"Yeah, we set up the C4 around the club and detonate it!"
"...what"
"We do that."
"Okay, great. You just fucking killed my game. Happy, dicks?"

It was awesome.

upon entering a small room with a treasure sittin atop a runed pedestal
Party Leader: everyone be careful! we don't know what trap might adorn the artifact!
Me:I throw the halfling at it!
Whole room: you...what?
DM hits a button on his computer, the raiders from the losk ark theme starts playing...
Everyone: *groans*

" Watch i'm going to draw a penis on the sleeping hill giants face. Don't worry he won't wake up"

"I squeeze the orc chieftan's boob, that way she'll know i'm friendly, as those people don't speak our sophisticated language"

>>1539978

I now need to get theme music to play when I'm DMing.

>>1539978
>Me:I throw the halfling at it!

A perfectly logical course of action given the situation.

>>1540039
if done properly, it totally sets the mood.
or in >>1539978's case, let's the party know they're in for re-rolling most likely.

>>1540044
well yeah, the halfling was my primary ranged weapon for most of the campaign.
Mostly cause my character liked to feel up the little midgetess.

"It seems the ogres have retreated into the nearby forest with their hostages."

"I use my fire breath to start a forest fire and smoke them out."

music would be awsome, but difficult to talk over

>>1540071
volume control is key of course.

we were playing a vampire: the masquerade

one of the PCs was a tzimisce.

After taking out a room of baddies, one is left wounded on the floor.

tzimisce: "i wanna use fleshcrafting on him"
GM: "what"
tzimisce: "for, you know, shits and giggles"
GM: "..."

later, in a different game, my character was a Marine in iraq that got turned. I was an assamite. Thing was, none of us knew what our disciplines were, cause there was no one to tell us.

In an effort to convince the other PCs that i wasn't normal, I emptied half a belt of 5.56 from an m249 into the floor in the FOB req room with Quietus on.

my Gm gave me a funny look.

>>1540021
>>1540011

AND THEN THAT TIME WHEN WE BEAT THOSE TROLLS AND I PUT ON MY +4 COCKRING OF IMPACT AND TURKEY SLAPPED THEM AND DICKS ASS PUSSY BALLS ROFLZORZ

>>1540087

No ricochets?

Me: "Okay, rogue, you sneak into the dragon's den and reconnoiter for us."
*Rogue does so*
DM: "The dragon drops down from the ceiling just inside the den and lands on the rogue, consuming him in one bite."
Me: "Good, my plan worked, now we kill it!"
*We kill it*
Me: "Okay, let's go loot this den."
DM: "Uh.. the rogue's body is still inside the dragon."
Me: "He's already dead, we may as well just count the loot first."

>>1540127
apparently not. we didnt think of it

(Part 1 of 2)
One of my boys was a swashbuckler. He had an amazing charisma score, and he rolled enough 20's in social situations to score him a high status DMPC admirer, the adopted daughter of the Paladin Commander of a Holy Kingdom. Cool, huh?

Winning even more charisma-based rolls, the daughter was allowed to travel with the group, and even given a diplomatic quest to escort her to a nearby kingdom. After a few sessions of travel and adventure, the party arrived at the capital city of the neighboring kingdom, dropped off the "princess" at the friendly-aligned church, she dismissed the party, and the swashbuckler. They then left and did other stuff elsewhere.

After one session, I ask the swashbuckler if he goes to check up on the girl. He says no. Alright, fine.

After another session, I ask again. In game time, it had been a few days. The answer is the same. I ask why. He admits easily that his character trusts the girl, and that she was of appropriate level to stave off anything, which she was. I accepted the answer.

"I polymorph the evil wizard into my mother, then I promptly beat her with a ladle"

(Part 2 of 2)
Later on in the week, through instant messages, we ran a small RP session for his character, one of the events being clerics of the aligned church asking the swashbuckler about the girl. At this point, instead of worrying, he just uses his charisma to calm them down, and reassure them. It had been about a week, in game time.

After more than a month in game time, the party went to the city center, to where the evil prince of the kingdom was giving a speech. The prince was rallying his people to go to war with the Holy Kingdom. There was also a blanketed humanoid creature next to him, up onstage in the center of the massive crowd. The prince threw off the covers, revealing the girl, in rags, beaten, bruised, and bound in chains. On her first day in the city, she was captured by the prince’s men, imprisoned, and tortured.

The players had to escape from the city. Oh, and of course, there was a kingdom war.

>>1540506

LOL, that's an awesome pic of a highly charismatic character. Where's that from?

>>1540537

>>1541463
Gaia Online.

>>1540506

SAUCE

HE'S FUCKING SEXY

>>1541522
>>1541463
0/10

kids wanna rock

>>1541522
gaiaonline is bad and you should feel bad

In a scifi campaign, one of my players was a robot, built to look passably human, even though he was still made of dense metals and 8 feet tall.

After the party is downed in an helicopter chase, they land on top of an office building, but their pursuers were still right on their tails...

Party Leader: "We've got to get to the ground as fast as possible -- elevators or stairs?"
Robot: "How much do I weigh?"
GM: "About 800, maybe 900 pounds? Why..?"
Robot: "I jump on the floor."
Floor: *break*

bump for sauce on sexy guy

'Tanko' was one of those ludicrously overarmoured, super-heavily armed walking weapon batteries that no CP2020 game is proper without.

'Tanko' and his party had badly botched a raid on a corporate skyscraper.

'Tanko', sole survivor, had killed over a hundred security personnel but was now out of ammo.

'Tanko' had fought his way through to the thirty -fifth floor.

'Tanko' chose to expend his last bullets shooting through the glass windows and leaping from the building, secure in the knowledge that his bulletproof skin would protect him.

"I toss three Krak grenades in the church after the party is loaded up in the Chimera."

Thanks, Kaaltos.

Holy shit sauce

Sauce I don't think we ever found, character is supposed to either be Terry or Rock from Final Fight though (can't remember which, they don't so different with their clothes off...err...what were we talking about?)

I was thinking about Paranoia when a buddy wanted to play d20 Future. I ended up rolling up a malfunctioning gun-nut bioreplica andriod dedicated to hunting communists modeled to have a vague resemblance to JFK.

Pretty much everything I did got that reaction, but I figured he was being GRIMDARKGRIMDARKGRIM so I had the right to make fun of it as long as I didn't derail the storyline.

GURPS, fantasy campaign, party is fighting the leader of an all-female squad of violent and high-profile assassins

Sorceress (flying at a height of about 300 feet) "I pull out my Cabin in a Cube (magic item, think a 1" cube that with the press of a button turns into a 30'x30' log cabin)and drop it on her"
I don't know why I never count on my party's improvisational abilities

>>1539889
I wish for a Kamen Rider rpg

>>1541755

You could run one quite easily with Mutants and Masterminds you know...

Seriously, I was thinking of trying to run one.

>>1541878
rapidshares of the book(s) please?

>>1541897

5 seconds in rapidsearch later...

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=x8r12jxb

Was playing in a neutral WarCraft RPG campaign. I, being an orc barbarian, had yet to come into the picture after an hour and a half of session time. The rest of party consisted of goblin tinkerer, a pandaren brewmaster (the player of which was a total newbie to d20 and role-playing in general, but outright lulzy nonetheless when paired with the goblin's player), a tauren runemaster, and a high elf healer.

GM: Upon hearing a loud ruckus coming from within the Gladeriem, you rush inside to get a better look at the arena floor.
*Fairly epic battle ensues between my character and a naga fighter as I'm finally introduced into the game.*
DM: The orc's bloodlust, it seems, was too much for the overbearing naga warrior. As he stands triumphant in the middle of the arena, he raises his hands to the sky and calls out to the crowd for another combatant to face him in combat.
Goblin (drunk): I leap over the side of the spectator's area.
Pandaren (also drunk): Me too.
DM: What?
Pandaren: I also toss down my keg to Mecka (the goblin) before jumping.
DM: 'kay... Being the distance that it is from the spectator's area and the arena floor, Mecka takes 1d6 falling damage. He is then bludgeoned in the head from the keg, 'though, remarkable, it doesn't break. 2d6 damage. He is then struck prone as a large panda ass falls atop him. Another 2d6 damage. The pandaren (I can't remember his name) takes no damage as Mecka brakes his fall.
Me: *I'm loling too much at this point to really know what's going on, and I haven't even said anything in-character yet.*
Tauren: Seeing the buffoons make fools of themselves, I jump down to help them.
DM: The runemaster hops down from the spectators area, landing firmly beside his intoxicated friends, leaving the healer by herself.
Me: Seeing a worthy adversary in the tauren runemaster, I charge him, ignoring the goblin and the pandaren.

>>1541978
*I then proceed to get my ass handed to me by the pseudo monk/arcanist due to a few lucky rolls and a crit on the tauren's part, but I've got Diehard.*
Goblin: (after finally getting up from under the pandaren's butt) I throw the keg back at the pandaren, trying to break it on his face.
DM: He catches it, thinking you're only trying to toss it to him.
Pandaren: Having some fun, I toss it back at him.
DM: You miss by a wide margin, sending the keg sailing over Mecka's head, it strikes the runemaster behind him.
*Rolls. Crits with the keg as an improvised weapon.*
DM: The keg strikes the tauren in the back of the head, breaking on contact and spilling its contents all over him.
*does another, secret, roll*
DM: He then slips on the alcohol and falls prone.
*Again, I'm laughing too hard to know what to do.*
High Elf: I throw my mace at the orc from above, attempting to protect the runemaster
DM: The mace falls short of its target, landing squarely on the prone tauren's face. He is now unconscious.

The high elf's player (the pandaren player's girlfriend) got kind'a miffed at what happened, but we took a break after this, mostly because everyone but her was laughing too hard to play properly.

>>1541979
I love your DM!

>>1541978
>>1541979
Holy shit, this is like something out of slapstick.

>>1540506
>>1540537
This is why you can't be subtle with players, they do not think the same way you do.

D20 Modern

We were talking to a priest trying to get some holy water to fight a group of vampires when the vampire leader drives past and whips a chain around the priest's throat and drags him away.
We jump in the car and give chase, only to have 3 vampires jump on the roof of our car.


Me: I drive at max speed and try to shake them off.
DM: They manage to hold on.
*others fight*
Me: I have a question.
DM: Yes?
Me: What's the DC to flip the car at max speed?

Alright, my turn.
I was DMing a session where the players were a bunch of scumbags infiltrating a temple to kill a priest. They had climbed up to the top floor on the outside via grappling hook - when one of them slipped up on a loose tile, smashing into a suit of armour. The party ranger suddenly gives a grin.
He hoots like an owl, trying to bluff the guards into thinking that it was just an owl that flew through the window.
Well, he fucking made the bluff.
We all burst out laughing while the resident ginger just went "OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE" because he was still pissed about the botched Move Silently roll he did.

>>1541463
>>1541522
No one knew the first time it was posted.

One of my own was when I asked the GM if I could defuse the low-grade nuclear bomb well enough to keep it. Being the awesome fellow he is, he said yes. Then he said yes again two games later. I'm not sure if our enemies' failed attempts to use bomb threats against us aren't just a part of some overarching to thin the party's numbers by having us kill ourselves.

>>1541993
He's my bestfriend, so yeah, I thought he was pretty awesome during this campaign, too.

>>1542001
As I said in the beginning, the goblin's and pandaren' players (while the latter was a complete newb to the hobby) were lulzy together (read: hilarious) for the entire campaign. Hell, the entire firsy half-hour was devoted to them delivering a cart of kegs to the pandaren's teacher/master, only to have the the pardaren trip because he was going too fast (he was pulling the cart; padaren's in the game have quadrupedal movement) literally sending the handful of kegs barreling down street, two of which struck the tauren runemaster as he was crossing said street.

>>1542055
Question:
What the nigger was a high elf doing with a goblin, orc, pandaren and tauren spiritwalker?

>>1542055

fucking lol.

>>1542061
rape fodder?

>>1542066
Possibly.

>>1542061
She saw what happened to the tauren when he got struck by the kegs and came out to heal him. She and the runemaster, basically, quickly became friends and she decided to follow them around in order to protect him from the goblin and pandaren.

Situation: DnD game. Party of a few people. The characters our intended to literally be ourselves teleported to another dimension and forced to fight monsters. Our fighter tripped some sort of delayed berserk trap, which apparently went into effect at night, after we'd returned to town. He slaughters a bunch of people, because they're puny commoners, then gets caught by guards and thrown into prison. After a while the effect wears off and he wakes up in jail covered in blood. Funtimes.

Upstanding friends that we are, we all go over there to try to talk our way into him getting let off based on it all being a magic effect. We arrive, and the strange little man playing our rogue begins to speak:

Rogue: Is there a guard nearby?
DM: Yeah.
Rogue: I go tell him about the curse that caused the fighter to do this stuff.
DM: He doesn't much care.
Rogue: I ask him nicely to let him go?
DM: Nope.
Rogue: A bribe?
DM: Nope.
Rogue: Okay, I offer him a blowjob.
EVERYONE IN THE ROOM: NO.
Rogue: C'mon. Lemme do it.
DM: No. This character is supposed to be you, as you are right now. Are you seriously saying you'd offer some guy a BJ to get somebody out of jail?

(part 1)

Rogue: Well, nooo... but I wanna offer anyway.
DM: Fine. He's willing. Takes you off to a little corner relatively alone. Except that the fighter has a clear, perfect view of the action, just because. You perform. Grats, dude.
Rogue: While I'm doing it, I wanna try to pickpocket the keys.
DM: You never bothered to see if he has the keys anywhere visible, and you have a face full of cock. You fail. He enjoyed it though.
Rogue: *sadface*
DM: Fighter, you are now shaken from having to watch that. The image will haunt you for some time.
Me, to the fighter: What has been seen cannot be unseen! What has been seen cannot be unseeeeeeen!
DM: Fighter, you awaken latent psionic powers. You now have the ability transfer mental images to other people. But only the image of the rogue blowing that guy, and only to the wizard (me).
Fighter: I transmit the image.
Me: Curse you!

(part 2)

>>1542055
Oh, and I also forgot to mention that, because the goblin was sitting atop the kegs inside the cart, he too as sent flying. A Balance check later, and he was doing a bit of "log rolling" before also striking the tauren (his was the second keg to hit the runemaster).

>>1541719

This needs more love. Fucking win.

>>1542087
Fuckin' lol!

Party had just defeated a minotaur, but not killed it, as we were planning to interrogate it.
Wizard:Ok now, tell us what we need to know and you can go fr-
Rogue: I attempt to seduce it for information.
party:lol wut
DM: you DO know you are both male...right?
Rogue:so? i'm a sexy elf, it'll work, just roll.
DM:okaaay...*rolls dice*, *looks on with amazement/disgust* You succeed, the minotaur will tell you everything, but only if you have sex with him.
Rogue's player:haha! extra quest exp!
everyone else: facepalm/vomiting

DM: you encounter a group of monsters
player1: I unstrap my axe from my back and prepare for attack.
player2: I scorch them with my flamethrower
Everyone: WAIT, WUT???

In his defense, he did have "flamethrower" written in his "other possessions" part of char. sheet.

The players have just finished interrogating a government official serving the mayor (a woman) for treason.

"So."
"So?"
"We're done questioning him right?"
"Yeah."
"We've established that he's never going to give her up, never going to let her down, never going to run around and desert her?"
(Groans.)

>>1542349
Rocks fall you all die would have been the appropriate response..

Setting: In camp after a long trek, waiting to go into a dungeon the next morning.

Fighter (played by Me): Hey all, I've cooked some steaks!
Cleric and Rogue: Statements that equate to "Tastes great!"
Wizard: "Huh, I didn't see you go hunting at all. Where did you get the fresh meat?"
Fighter: ...
Rogue: "Well, we did fight those goblins on the way he...r...e...... "
Fighter: ...
Everyone else: Eeeeeewwwww

>>1539889
Is that from Megaforce or Kamen Rider?

>>1539949
Gas explosions don't work that way.

>>1542407

That's Kamen Rider. Rider 1, 2 and V3 if I'm not mistaken.
There was a discussion on /m/ a while back about which Rider would win a motorcycle race out of all of the other riders. The general sentiment was that early showa era riders would have a gross unfair advantage in that they cause things randomly explode into pink powder whenever they drive past them.

Our cleric gets bitten by a large poisonous beetle while trying to find a temple
Healing attempt fails*
DM:he's going to be taking 1d6 dmg every 3 turns fro...
Barbarian: i decide to amputate the limb
roll fails*
congrats you have decapitated your cleric.

>>1542407
Kamen Rider

Playing some "Free For All" GURPS, i made a Cyborg Pirate Ninja Jesus.
Well, after a few sessions the Islam Kebab-Durka-Conspiracy Corporation wanted me dead.
After slicing and killing dozens and dozens with my allies (a female emo-robot, porn-book producer and a slimy lawyer), we found a Mech.
I was the onlyone who had took (for unknown reason) the ability to pilot that shit, so i jump in and ask the DM "Can this turn into a dinosaur?".
DM Rolls: 1-1-1
*Shitgiggles*
Next hour i stomped some massive kebab tank with my mecha t-rex while reading random lines from the bible.

Last night I killed a Witch Hunter via dropping 600+ pounds of Orc on him.

>>1542451
Rolling a 3 on the Enigmatic Alien Device Button-Pushing Table is always the most boring thing that could happen. Rolling something else always gives entertaining side-effects.

Okay, so we're playing some GURPS, me and one other person, our longtime GM just playing a bit with our previous plans. We were a pair of agents inserted into a mexican village, we were sent in to basically blow the holy hell out of a group, and then skee-daddle, so:

We take note and ask a hellof alot of questiosn about the city. We find out there is a huge church tower, just a block and a half away from where our target's hangout is.

As soon as we hear this information, I look around, and smile. My GM notices this and says:
"Okay, so sniper time?"
"What? Neither of us are marksmen. I make sure to pack at least two parachutes."

Fast forward. We're rushing back up the huge church tower, climbing the small ladder system to the top of the church, and look back down, noticing that we still had a small group following us. I had already caught a round in the thigh, so, I say to my GM:
"I salute my Comrade, before jumping back down the small enclosed ladder space."
"Your.. going to try to drop on someone?"
"I pop open my chute, and continue going down, blocking the passage as much as possible.

Whil all of this is going on, my partner is already basejumping from the church tower, halfway on the pre-planned boat escape route, while I'm dead, 5 people tangled in my parachute, 2 of which are seriously messed up.

Player: How deep is that pool?
DM: It's pretty dark, you can't really tell.
Player: I throw a rock into the pool to see how deep it is.
DM: Nothing happens.
Player: I throw a larger rock into the pool.
DM: There's a big splash followed by silence.
Player: I throw another rock in.
DM: You see a shadow start to form in the pool.
Player: I throw another rock in.
DM: A wraith emerges from the pool. He attacks, hits, and does 6 CON damage.

>>1543040
Should have had the wraith throw a rock at him.

"SEE? YOU LIKE THAT? NO, HUH? FUCKING TOOL."

>>1543049
My character threw an alchemist's fire at him hitting in his face, scarring him for life. He now has a water and fire phobia.

Oh man. There are so many stories I could tell.

On one quest, we were in some cavern tunnels helping an evil army to clear out these mines in order to get to a dwarven city under siege at the other end of the tunnels. We're accompanied by an NPC evil general of sorts, and in the midst of one battle, the leader of my party decides to turn and betray the evil general we accompanied. After the skirmish, he takes off into the mines, hotly pursued by the rest of the party. Being wounded and out of spells, my homicidal, bonkers druid-barbarian decides to hang back and protect the party cleric (being substitute-RP'd by a friend, as the original player was out then) as we try to meet up with the rest of the party.

As we progress through the cave, and we're all alone, I pass a piece of paper to the DM: "I kill the cleric."

Eventually, I meet the party, and tell them I completely lost the cleric in the dark and assumed he went on ahead.

Boy, that player was pissed when I saw him the next week with a new character! LOL

Playing a homebrew module for D&D 3.0 (before 3.5 was even a thought) as an evil party. We had a druid, psionic, sorceror, and barbarian.

We were walking to the next town since we couldn't afford to pay for transportation just then and the DM rolled a critical on his random encounter table (yeah, I know, he insisted on using them)

DM: You see ten orcs, all mounted on wargs, coming down the road towards you. You have about two rounds before they'll see you.
Druid: How close are they together?
DM: Pretty close, since the road's only twenty feet wide.
Druid: *looks at the psionic* You took pyrokinesis, right?
Psionic: Yeah, but why- OHHHH
Druid: I'm casting Entangle on them, centered on the front so they'll run into it.
DM: *dice* Okay, all but 3 are stuck and trying to get through. The other 3 are in the middle.
Psionic: I cast pyrokinesis on the vines.
DM: WAT

He doesn't use random encounter tables any more.

Once I had somebody ask me if he got a bonus because his character was wearing Hulk Hands.

A homebrew superhero RPG.

The party consisting of a cyborg demolitions expert, an angel private eye, a shapeshifter, and an illusionist are on a quest to fix some arcane seals in some elemental temples. They are currently investigating the Earth temple which is buried under about 50ft of ice in Antarctica. However, there's also an evil corporation investigating as well. They manage to get into the temple, but not before they make themselves known. The Cyborg decides to rig explosives at the entrance of the temple just in case. Later when they are on their way out, he detonates them collapsing the entrance. There weren't even enemies coming yet. He blew up the only entrance to the temple. The rest of the party made him dig out an entrance.

>>1543259
why bother?

We had a party (D&D 3.5) of four, and our halfling sorcerer and half-ogre barbarian got busted for an unrelated incident at a seedy pub. So, they are in prison and the party is unable to secure their release:

Sorcerer: I have an idea! *grins*
Barbarian: Shoot.
Sorcerer: You are big, right? Well, why don't I just kill you and climb inside your corpse to escape?
DM: Wut.
Barbarian: Gods yes! Good idea!
DM: Wait... you'll die.
Sorcerer: Our cleric can resurrect him afterward.
Barbarian: *stupid grin*
Sorcerer: *stupid grin*

Ultimately, they succeeded. The Hide check was the best.

>>1543327

Why bother what?

Krak,the orc barbarian is sitting on the top of his new boat. From a trapdoor below him, another orc pops his head up and is holding a giant doobie (Everyone in our campaign smokes a ton and eventually gets -con for it without the DM telling anyone except me cause I"m undead so I don't).
DM: Ok, this orc shows up with a doobie, then signals for you to come and pops back down.

Kraks player: Ok..hang on....i'm gonna jump off the boat. Swing around the side and land in the window of the room he came out of.

DM: There are no windows. There's nothing to hold onto, you fall into the ocean

Krak: Nonononono, I swing around the side like, I'm not jumping straight I'm swinging around.

DM: Ok....there's no window. only wall. you're hanging off your boat, about to fall into the water.


Krak: Ok, I'm gonna start PUNCHING THE WALL IN, then I'm gonna HEADBUTT IT to break it.

DM: o....K? *amidst laughter* Smoke begins billowing out of the hole you smashed, as you can see alot of your orky crew are having a huge hotbox.

Krak:...............I'm gonna toke the boat.

>>1543338

This is were you chuckle nervously and say,"Great cliffhanger! We'll meet up next time to see what happens!" Then you never come back.

>>1543370

Gayest thing I've read on 4chan in a long time. Thank you, Anon, for giving me my yearly dose of Gay so early in 2008.

>>1543370
Makes me even more proud that I quit being a pothead years ago.

Scion game, the party is a Scion of Hermes private investigator, a Scion of Aphrodite musician, a Scion of Morrigan (Tuatha de Dannan) schoolgirl, and a Scion of Hel EGL girl. The medusa releases three nemean beasts on the party. Everyone takes one, except the PI who is trying to solo the medusa. This isn't his story, though, it's the EGL girl's.

EGL girl is a mental build, but stamina is her highest stat (fluff is that she was a perpetually ill child who became immune vs. everything once she had her visitation), so when combat rolls around the party usually uses her as a human shield. It gets to her head, she thinks she's invulnerable. Well, the nemean beast she's fighting lunges for her throat. DM rolls a crit. Little tank loli suddenly finds herself with an impromptu tracheotomy, and strength is her dump stat so she can't pry it off of her. So what does she do?

"You said this thing was still a pretty young nemean, right? I use Jotunblut. It's eating like half of my health levels right now, I'm pretty sure that much blood ought to counter the Titan blood it's been fed up 'til now."

Jotunblut isn't supposed to work on magical beasts, but the DM is so stunned by the action that he lets it fly anyway, if she can make a high difficulty roll.

Which she does.

>>1543702

The cat stops chewing on her throat after a bit, starts meowing cutely (for a given value of cute seeing as this is a four foot tall overly-muscled death cat) and playfully headbutting the loli. She calmly rips off the sleeve of her blouse and ties it around the gaping hole in her throat to stem the bleeding while the rest of the group finishes combat.

Party is trying to figure out what to do with the cat now. DM ruled that since it's no ordinary animal it needs a huge blood upkeep every month to keep control, which the EGL girl has no intention of paying. So the group has one month to figure out how they're going to get rid of the thing before it turns feral.

One of our other players, a Scion of Freya who wasn't around for the battle, showed up the next session demanding that loli ride the cat into battle like a war horse.

Last session, the group had to get 8 keys to open the door to the throne room of a schizophrenic demon lord. One challenge to get a key involved a horse race, indoors, with the stable boy. The cleric/sorcerer (going for mystic PrC) let the stable boy get the lead, and cast grease just as the fellow reached the top of a stairwell. Horse and rider died. As a DM, I could do little more than laugh. Well, I could have been a dick and said "NO YOU CANT DO THAT" but that's no fun.

we had a real fun one in the first session of Dark Heresy I DM'd for. One of the critical effects of Las-weaponry is that the target may catch on fire. At one point this happens to a thug who's friend had been demoralized into running away. Our group's psycher (got freakishly good stat rolls in everything except willpower and fellowship) decides to pick up the flaming half-dead thug and attempts to throw him at the fleeing one. To my surprise, he not only makes it, but manages not to catch on fire due to a ridiculous agility stat. The fleeing man was hit, caught on fire, and died....... bonus XP flowed like spice

This thread has too many amusing anecdotes and not nearly enough "What the fuck!?" moments.

Running a two-man Eberron party featuring a changeling bard and a warforged fighter.
They were on a lightning rail train that a saboteur aboard had critically fucked up. It was going out of control, gaining speed, and was threatening to buck the "track," almost assuredly killing everyone on the derail.
They came to a point where the assassin, running out of places to go and identity compromised, had tried to shove the fighter off the train before retreating to the roof. Meanwhile, the train was nearly gone. The PCs were supposed to split off, the dextrous bard climbing beneath the train to realign the sabotaged conductor stone, and the heavy 'forged to engage the enemy in combat, running both encounters at the same time.

A worker told them they needed someone to fix the rail, and soon, while their enemy was just within their grasp. He also explains that climbing beneath the coaches was going to be very, very hard. I had worked out the rules for this.
So, the clumsy-ass heavily plated forged opens up with "I'll fix the rail, you get him!"
To the Strength of No "I talk, not fight," bard.
I was so close to facepalming at the table.
I ended up having him roll an Int check versus fail.

He got a one.
"...You think that's the greatest fucking idea ever."

"I fire the anti-tank rocket at the Bear."

"Wait! The Bear is at the bottom of the tree the rest of us are in..."

"Yeah, I fire the anti-tank rocket."

>>1543396
Glad I'm not the only one who thought that was shit.

Underwater caves mission trying to kill a kua toa warchief before he can raid a town we're knee deep in water when we confront the war chief as he is making his way through the caves

Wizard: I cast lightning bolt

While visiting an abandoned fortification encampment, we come across what can best be described as a bronze and copper treasury building (as in, it's made of copper and bronze). After defeating a bronze/copper minotaur golem guardian (triggered by someone other than my homicidal druid-barbarian), an unseen door opens and reveals a small room completely filled with a pile of gold.

As my character's the most impulsive of the bunch, and I have a history of jumping into treasure head-first, another player shouts out, "Scratch (my character) jumps onto the pile!" to which I replied, "Hmm-- yeah, let's do that!"

Sensing another trap about to be triggered, three other party members wander into the room with me, warily. Sure enough, as soon as I'm on the gold pile, the door slides shut and a crystal on a pedestal starts glowing and humming with a blue, almost electrical pulse, and the DM tells us we have one round to do an action.

"I do Stone Meld!" I shout out, and immediately my character sinks into the stone floors, merging himself and his gear with the stone. The rest of the party looks at me as I abandon them, their jaws dropping as they roll initiative to destroy the crystal.

End of a relatively long-running 3.5 DnD game, Eberron.

The DM has to have been on something. After a relatively challenging and well-designed puzzle and monster dungeon, we've just been ambushed by a score of mind flayers. Maybe as many as two dozen. We're, like, level 10. Everyone is speechless as they fire, breaking invisibility.

By the end of that first round, of course, everyone who can be mindfucked is. That many saves? Hell no, never going to pass. Unless you're a super-tank Warforged Juggernaut, fully equipped to be immune to such attacks.

DM:"They don't look like they expect anyone to still be mobile. If you didn't move..." He stinks of puppetry. It's clear what was going down here, and no one likes it and its ham fisted implementation.

At this point, the player of the Warforged looked across the table in a slow arc, glancing from his comapnion's character sheets, to their respective player, and back again. Each and every one of us. He was a calculating man, well versed in the game and his fellow adventurers, and the gears in his head were slowly crunching the numbers.

The Warforged's player returned his gaze to the DM, while his arm extended into a finger-point across the table "I grab _his_ Deck of Illusions."

"...and?"

"52-card pickup."

MOAR
MOAR
MOAR
MOAR
MOAR

>>1546705

I can only imagine the conflagration that moment of badassedry produced.

>>1546705

I'm not too well versed in this kind of thing, but what would the deck of illusions do in that situation?

>>1546921

Yeah. What happened?

>>1546921
52-Illusion Mindfuck. That the robot is immune to.

Illithids can make 1 save. 52 means they're all fucked.

Honestly, it *might* not work that way, but the GM's gonna have a hell of a time putting his foot down in that kind of situation.

>>1546934

EPIC.

The DnD campaign I was in just finished today. A few days ago I finished plans for a long-range artillery craftable in DnD. I held off presenting them until the time was right.

Finally, there we were, ready to assault the BBEG. His fortress loomed in the horizon. The party leader (who hates me unbelievable, mind you) says some bullshit speech about bravery and honor and shit.

Me: Wait, I have an idea, DM I need to speak with you.
DM: Okay...

Ten minutes later we have arranged for blacksmiths and weaponsmiths from a nearby friendly kingdom to reach us. The party leader is pissed and gives me a week to enact my plan.

One week goes by. I have constructed five Heavy Howitzers. Each shoots my specially-designed explosive shells, magically enhanced with silver filings and light spells. The party leader looks at me with rage in his eye, and charges the fortress despite my suggestions.

I say one thing. "Fire the Earthshakers."

After shelling the shit out of the BBEG, his retinue, and his fortress, he walks out, and begs for parley.

I say to the DM "How much damage would a point blank Flamethrower and Gun do?"

>>1546969

You used EARTHSHAKERS.

In DnD.

...I woulda LMAO'd if your flamethrower chose that moment to fail btw

>>1542055
So, WarCraft guy, do you live in NorCal? Because holy shit we want to play some games with your group!

WTF moments in RPGs. Well, this is a classic:
First part:
http://theglen.livejournal.com/16735.html
Second part:
http://theglen.livejournal.com/89715.html

"No, you can't make called shots with a Flamethrower"

>>1546986

What can I say? I enjoy creating weapons, especially when people say it can't be done. And Earthshakers were pretty much what they were.

I think that's why my party leader hated me.

Would you like to see the very rough schematics?

(And for the record I critted with the gun, but the flamer chose that time to piss out)

>>1541719
This sorceress... was she named Dorothy?

>>1546915
The room wasn't much bigger than it took to physically fit the mindflayers. It was GLORIOUS.

The monsters were confusing enough to let the party drop a few mind flayers, and it scared the rest of them off. It was a great weapon to surprise the flayers out of their hugely advantageous ambush and buy us time to bail, not really an effective way to fight them.

The Deck of Illusions, if I recall, was surprising in that it didn't have a listed action to deploy a card. Technically, it did say that the card had to be drawn-- but the DM let it roll. [Technically, it also wasn't a full 52 cards-- Decks are I think quite a bit smaller than that, even when (like this one) they have not lost any cards. It was still plenty.]

So, first D&D game since I moved to San Jose.

We had just finished fighting a band of Golems in a Dwarven factory. Party is me(hu monk), my friends gf(hu Sorc), my friend(hu druid), other guy(hu wizard) and his future gf(amazon fighter) and our RA(Hu Cleric).
The druid was unconcious, everyone else was fine. The last turn he had failed to stabilize and died.
DM:As you press the last switch you notice the druid has bled to death.
We: We loot the corpses!
DM:You aren't going to Rez the druid?
Cleric: No, more loot for me (Chaotic Evil).
DM: Fine, blah blah loot blah.
DM: The Wizard also finds some black powder, metal scraps roughly the size of a human and an evil book.
The wizard reads the book (gm and him whisper).
Wizard: I rub the druid with the black powder.
(blank faces)
Wizard: I then spit on the metal plates and cover his body.
DM: The druid begins to glow and the smell of searing flesh and melting metal fills the your nostrils.
Sorc: I go outside and pick flowers.
DM: 'kay.... Wizard, roll a quick knowledge arcana check.
(roll passes)
DM: The druid awakens to find himself covered in metal and breathing through tubes. Congratulations, you now hate yourself.
Druid: *Loud, groaning screams* (IRL)
DM: Well, look, you shouldn't have killed the dwarves earlier, this was your fault.
Druid: *Loud, groaning screams*

He did that for the next to sessions until he realigned evil and started to kill us slowly.

He also attached a giant metal beard that could hold things up to 10 lbs, including a rotten finger bone and kitten.

>>1542021
You sir, have made me spit my drink.

Douchebag BBEG was completely loved by everyone. He was a hero. Nobody knew he was evil, save for a few people, mostly the party. After a great fight, killing a good percentage of the party, the remaining members return to the outside world, only to be accosted by the guards. First thing one retarded player says: "Don't worry, we killed (BBEG loved by all)!" The living members of the party were killed in a hail of crossbow bolts.

Long time ago, I was playing a Vampire: The Masquerade game. One of the players noted the rules for equipment were based off of whatever prices he could find at that time in the real world, and we were starting off pretty wealthy with no required assets.

He showed up next game with an operational WWII tank (except the main gun), and example documentation to justify it.

>>1547030
Rise Vader.

Was playing a game of all flesh with five others. Had just finished looting a small town and were leaving at high speeds in a Buick riviera. DM has the driver roll a sight check, he fails and dosn't see the zombie that just wandered onto the road. A driving roll and a critical failure later the partys stuck in a metallic death trap now barrel rolling across the highway. GM rolls for damage. The driver has both his legs sheared off and soon bleeds to death, the passenger gets a piece of metal lodged through his neck, essentially decapitating him. I, in the back seat, slip through the rear window and managed to get crushed during the flips. The only person to survive is the new guy, who used con and agi as his dump stats. As hes walking away from the wreck, the GM has him roll a simple balance check as hes disorientated from the crash. He critically fails it and breaks his neck from the fall.

2nd Level Halfling Ninja, Giant Gar in lake ahead.

Ninja: I run and try to jump on top of it!!!

One dead halfling ninja inside gar's belly.

>>1546969
Yes, I would like to see te rough schematics

>>1547095

OH GOD CANNOT UNSEEEEEEE

>>1547344
I lol'd.

>>1542465
Enigmatic Alien Device Button-Pushing Table? Sauce?

Bump.

>>1547344

Very good. Any more?

Our party consisted of a 2 half-elves, a male fighter/rouge and a female sorcerer, a male orc barbarian, a female halfling cleric and a female dwarf fighter. During the siege of an orc encampment we defeated an ogre sorcerer. Upon looting we discovered assorted scrolls, potions (two of them identified as potions of fire breathing) and the rouge/fighter discovered a curious looking ring under the ogre's mattress. It appeared to be a dragon eating its own tail. Well, after our first expedition in the nearby dungeon, we decide to use whats left of the orc camp as our camp for the night. As we come back to the surface we find nearly a dozen orcs searching the wrecked camp.
DM: You've got a round to do something before the orcs see your heads popping out of the dungeon entrance
Rouge: I take out one of the fire breath potions and drink it.
DM: Okay, you taste a spicy cinnamon flavor and feel an intense heat building in your mouth
Rouge: Roll me an intimidate check, im going to run toward the orcs breathing flames, maybe they'll think i'm a demon or something.
DM: *laughs uncontrollably* oh my god that is so perfect!!
Rouge: Really?!? you think it'll work, i was gonna do it just for lolz!
DM: *rolls d20* You run into the crowd of orcs breathing fire, you seem to notice them not looking directly at you, but more like a spot about ten feet above you, they all then promptly shit themselves and bolt into the forest.
Rouge: Hey!! It worked!!
DM: The rest of the party sees not the rouge, but a huge red dragon has taken his place. After the orcs are gone, the dragon turns back into the rouge once more.

We joined a caravan and the leader told us it was free of charge as long as the 2 ladies stayed with him. Me a half elf sorcerer and a elf druid which refused due to obvious reason. Since my charater is do now think later type of person she agreed thinking he just wanted a little perverted company. So she goes into his caravan and when she got in she was asked to put on a Princess Jasmine type of outfit. she agreed and put it on
Dm: so you put it on
me: yup
Dm; infront of him?
me: sure why not i'll tease him a bit
Dm: ok roll a will save
i rolled poorly and was charmed. Now she is pregnant with his child and the druid wont agree to an abortion being all nature loving and shit

Is it seriously ridiculously difficult for you mouthbreathing cunts to spell "rogue" correctly? It's not as if it's misspelled in the actual PHB or anything. JUST LOOK AT THE FUCKING CLASS.

HE IS A WILY THIEF, NOT MAKEUP.

>>1547756
My my my, aren't we the dirty whore? Don't worry, one Iron Heart Surge and your pregnancy problems will be gone with the wind!

>>1547759
One of these days I'm going to use that Psionic trick of becoming a sandwich to play as a container of makeup, just to piss you spellingfags off.

>>1547605
I seriously don't understand how you misspelled "Rogue" every single time. I fucking hate you.

>>1547786
i think its a common enough and understandable mistake that we can just not get uptight about it if it happens.

>>1547605
misspelled classes aside, thats a mighty interesting find...

>>1547773
or a FALCON PUNCH!

>>1547812
Now that's not a very pleasant way to treat a lady. Now, I wonder if my artificer could create the magical version of an abortion kit...

>>1546991
Afraid not. Born and bred in western Canada, plus the guy who played the pandaren moved to Quebec.

Human Fighter, Human Cleric, Elf Rogue, Gnome Wizard, Warforged Fighter.

Delving underneath a church where a priest was doppleganger'd by an evil changling cult bent on making a "changling city" and inviting all sorts of nasties from some alternate plane to inhabit the bodies of the populace. We had gotten separated by a combination of bullrushing foes and mobile walls, the Warforged notably the first to fail a reflex save and fall down a chute.

We meet the BBEG in the final dungeon chamber, as the pompous git is giving his customary evil speech, he makes it known that he has captured several NPC's the party has encountered in the town to witness the transformation. After much convulsing, blood curdling screams and one of the children exploding due to a too powerful entity, we see that it has worked and our very much repected ally is now possessed.

the cleric goes "oh shit!"
fighter: oh no!
gnome: oh no!
Warforged busting out of the ceiling and critting the changling on his surprise round of combat: OH YEAH!

no more stories?

>>1539889

What kind of bomb?

Most modern explosives (as in, from dynamite onwards) are actually rather resilient to being shot, punched, and even set on fire.

>fighter/rouge and a female sorcerer, a male orc >rouge/fighter discovered a
>Rouge: Hey!! It worked!!
>sees not the rouge, the rouge once

>>1548082
>OH YEAH!

Good times

How I broke RuneQuest. I may be mistaken with the ability names, though, due to the game having been run on the Finnish version.

"Okay... hmm... a knight in full plate, looks like we're headed for a reroll."

Me: "Um... let's see. I got 16% on Teleport and 46% on Distance ability. Did you say distance lets self-targeted spells affect others?"

GM; "Hmm... yeah, I suppose it's feasible."

Me: "Okay... I'll expend 4 extra MP to pump the success propability to 56%, and 10 mp to make the teleport distance a good 100 meters." *rolls distance, succeeds. Rolls spell, succeeds*

GM: "Okay, where do you want to put him? You're in a pretty tight box canyon, and there's generally little space to put him other than back towards the exit as the arrival location has to be in visual sight. Also, remember, you can't 'port him into solid objects."

Me: "Yeah, I know."

GM: "So?"

Me: *points upwards*

PC's needed to blow up several warehouses full of weapons and armour belonging to th Iron Throne (FR). Sorc stole a shit load of smoke powder (some where on the order of a couple of metric tons. They had it planted throughout the sewers of Baldur's Gate.

PC's got way the fuck out of the city limits. After the explosion, so did most of the city.

I as the DM turn to the groups leader, a Bard, and follower of Mask, (CE god of thieves)

DM: Dude, choose your next words VERY carefully. You just killed about 40,000 people. What do you do?
Bard: I pray.
DM: ::blink:: You're now CE
Bard: But I PRAYED!
DM: To an evil god of thieves you jackass!
Bard: Hey! I prayed to my god, shouldn't that mean something?
DM: Dude even Cyric is telling you to take a chill pill on that last one. You are now eternally fucked on this one. This is not a minor podunk town you destroyed.
Bard: But I still prayed.

>>1548553

Shoulda said "See a priest."

>>1548553
This was funny

3.5 DnD in the FR

Players were chasing after this Kobold in his hideout. Used to be an old archmages place once upon a time with many circles of teleportation to get from one area to another. The players had been keeping track of the rooms that they were going to by drawing their own map. They'd been in this dungeon for 4hours by this point.

DM: Ok, you guys find youself back in the library. Only this time you're now in the NW corner of the room.
Player1: Ok, we just came from the barracks, and we know the SE teleportation circle goes to the main hallway so... fuck you.
Player2: What? What did he... DM, are we in Sabrina's gym from Pokemon?

>>1548583
JAWESOME

DM "...so if you leave this place and go after Karsus, I might just consider sparing your
Paladin player: That's it! I walk up to the guy and grab him buy his collar, lift him into the air and say "stop jerking us around old man and tell us what we want to know, or Angry McDwarf over here's going to shove that battle axe up your ass!"
Players: ::blink::
DM: You say this to the Lich Lord?

>>1548611

The ballsiest Paladin that I have ever seen.

My group of college buddies Played V:TM, and we enough players to just about have every clan represented, even had a True Brujah roaming around. I was trying to get with (IRL and in game) the Tremere in our group. After a while in game I convinced her to do a mutual blood bond.

Me: Hey DM, since we're kinda screwed atm for things to do until th Prince decides our fate, can Tremere-girl and I finish up our Blood Bond?
DM: yeah sure, this is your third night. Go nutz
Tremere: <scribbles on sheet> Ok, now BloodBound to Gangrel. Hey, why aren't you writing down that your blood bound to me?
Me: Cause I'm not.
Tremere: But we just finished the third night of the blood bound. The rules say we're now bound to each other.
Me: Oh I know. But I'm not bound to you.
Tremere: What? Why?! How?
Me: I took the unbondable merit. I can't be blood bound.
Tremere: huh?
Me: Let me put this in simpler terms sweet cheaks. Yo! My bitch!"

>>1548647
That's not funny, you're just an ass for doing that.

>>1548553
Same poster here.

Later on the players were in a war setting. They were undertaking a mission to remove a minor gryphon aerie which had been set up. My more experience players were go for that week, and this mission was left to the newbs. The barb was my gf

Barb: Hey Bard, you still have those wall of force scrolls?
Bard: Yeah.
Barb: Cool, seal up the building except for a small hole at the top.
DM: Hun, what are you doing?
Barb: Are the spells cast?
DM: yeah, takes a few minutes, but its all set up and sealed. What do you do now.
Barb: I fly (she had boots of flying) up to the top, take out the decanter of endless water, brace myself, and turn it on geyser mode.

Me: I throw a rock at the chapel window!
Everyone: WHAT!?
DM: Fine, roll the d20.
Me: *rolls*
DM: Fuck, you hit it. The window breaks, glass falls on both sides. Everyone roll 1d4 for damage.

The breaking glass also served to wake up a bugbear sleeping inside. We were level 1, it didn't work too well. The monk died, but with some lucky rolls, I was able to kill it in one turn.

The party had encountered a Mysterious Merchant who used a marketing speech about destiny and such ("We were destined to meet...", etc) to foster all kinds of useless, mundane items off on my PCs. The Sorceror in the party- thinking himself genre-savvy- completely fell for the bit, buying all the items with the comment that "I think we'll need all of these at some point in the future..."

Actually, I had included one very useful item in the batch: an unmarked, corked vial of thick red liquid that I had christened "Alchemist's Nitros". It worked the same as an Alchemist's Fire only it did 4d6 fire damage in a 10ft area.

So after buying up the merchant's entire stock of bells, chalk and pots, the five-man party get on a cramped wooden cart headed east. The genre savvy Sorceror is trying to figure out what the strange red liquid is. And his first step in doing this, which he has NEVER done before was:

Sorceror: "I uncork the vial and take a big sniff of the contents."

OP pic related.

In a World of Darkness game we were trying to stop an invasion, so my matter mage got a chance to screw around with the water in the air, turning it into napalm and stuff to make firetraps. Our forces mage decided that instead of helping, he lurk in the shadows and try to steal shit from the invading soldiers whilst we fought for our lives. It went almost word for word like this:

- I pick his pocket
- He's on fire!
- I pick it anyway, what do I get?
- Nothing, and you're on fire!
- I stop drop and roll
- The ground is covered in flaming napalm!
- So?

need moar!

>>1548223
Should've seen that coming.

Dark Heresy game I was running as my first-time GM'ing.

Psyker, level One, has Psychic stench. Utterly useless ability. But whatever, and they're in the middle of a hive worker riot. They're in a factory trying to figure out who's leading the riot. The party comes across three factory workers who seem pretty scared at what's going on.

Psyker: I run back and cut off the head of a scum we just killed.
Me: Ok...why?
Psyker: I cast psychic stench on it and hurl it at the workers.
Me...roll Ballistic Skill.

Fucker gets two degrees of success, the workers fail their fear check by four degrees of success (avg Will 28, rolled 80/90's), so they all get knocked out on the trauma table. The Psyker one-shotted three workers with the worst minor power possible.

Bump for the Laughing God.