Throw NPCs at them that have no purpose but are detailed and do odd things.

Have quests not resolve: merchant missing chest of gold, the PCs never ever find it.

Etc.

ITT: How to be an asshole DM.

That said...

Gazebos.

Door frame and door, sitting out in the middle of nowhere.

Open the door and find a completely different landscape within. They investigate the other side of the door and it leads somewhere else. Both places look entirely unpleasant.

They usually cautiously close the door and walk away.

>>1010379
Goddamn I rmember the last one our DM sent after us. It killed almost the whole party.

My personal favorite: make things too easy and make sure they know it. The look on a level 17 party's collective face when they exit a newly depopulated kobold mine covered in gore and carrying a world saving artifact when they realize that none of them had lost a single hp.

Weird rewards. A slave chained to the chest of gold. A magic apple that can make anyone sleep, deathless, until woken by a kiss. A delicate and beautiful magic doll with a elaborately carved key to see if the PC will wind it up.

>>1010382
Also, I had a DM that would put furniture on the ceilings of rooms. We kept running into it, and at first it became kind of a joke, and then we tried pulling some of it down and as soon as we let go it fell straight back up the ceiling. We no longer considered it a joke and became completely paranoid.

>>1010379

Yeah, because making things interesting and possibly adding a challenge makes a DM an asshole. You sound like one of those butt hurt players that bitches and moans every time a curve ball is thrown your way. All campaigns should be straight forward with no surprises, challenges, or twists to make you think, right? You play WoW, don't you? Faggot.

>>1010390 A slave chained to the chest of gold.

Provided it is female, human, and hot, I would PAY my DMs if they did this.

Since my players never bring their sexual needs into a game succubi tricks never work. Instead I have to opt for say, hmm a bit more cunning. A litte girl wanders into the group crying and running away from something, too fast for you all to react she barges past your legs as you all look on in puzzlement before getting your bearings and concentrating on the path infront for whatever comes, low and behold a ghoul appears but looks worried also, turning to you and screaming "OH GOD SHE'S BEHIND YOU GET AWAY!" and then I leave the players to make the decision

>>1010393
Dude, have you never fought a gazebo? It's not funny, my brother died that way.

>>1010391
>>1010371

Stolen.

what the hell is the point of this faggotry?

>>1010394
And I would pay not to play with you.

You can see how this scam really pays off!

Writing on the walls and floor of a dungeon that look like a child's play. A little girl's bedroom found neat and clean inside most wicked dungeon.

>>1010401
What the hell is the point of anything we do on this board?

Players tend to believe that plot-important NPCs are invulnerable. Thus, killing someone who seemed to still have a purpose in the plot is a good way to mess with them. I like to work in a fake plot character I can kill/turn/vanish whenever I like.

>>1010414
That would do it.
Well, depends on the character. But most of mine would be freaked the fuck out. Ironically, I could see my bigger "tough guy" types being the most disturbed by this.

>>1010414
>>1010395
A match made in heaven. Or perhaps hell.

>>1010414
That actually happened to me a in a game about a year ago. The half fiend troll warlord adopted a pet gnome and gave her free reign of the encampment. When we finally fought him face-to-face they were going all Master Blaster on us.

Bright, well lit dungeon that has maps posted at each corner, with no monsters. Supposedly there's a huge amount of gold at the bottom, but there's absolutely nothing.

Have your players roll spot checks every minute to freak them out.

>>1010420
Yeah, that's a good plan.

Give unintelligent creatures class levels. Imagine the party closing in on the supposedly half-dead giant crab when it screeches, waves it's claws around like a drowning paraplegic and shoots lazers from it's fucking eyes. (magic missiles rule, btw)

>>1010470

Happened in one of our games once. Except it was a
giant wasp. And it was a Barbarian/Frenzied Berserker (iirc). Pic related because it happened the night after the bugfights thread. Awesome coincidence, no?

>>1010494
Best fucking race and class combo evar.

Cry.

Have them run into an enounter with a large band of humanoid characters. But not any actual humans. Like zombies, or orcs.

After the battle, have them realize that it would be a wise decision to return to town, or leave the area for at least the night.

When they come back, all the dead bodies left over from the fight before hand are now propped up against the wall, and their faces sowed into smiles. All of their heads facing the entrance.

>>1010640
That'd work REALLY WELL with >>1010414 and possibly >>1010395

>>1010470

Drowning paraplegics regularly wave claws round?!

>>1010652

Well yeah ya dunce.

>>1010652
Hey, there's a thought.
"Shit, Bob's drowning! He's waving his arms around, we gotta go save him!"
"Uh, Bob doesn't have any arms."

One of the party members feels scratching and poking in their sleep. When they wake up, they find that they're stuck inside of their mattress.


Or, better yet, they wake up and find somebody ELSE stuck inside their mattress.

>>1010679

Paraplegics cant move their legs. There is nothing wrong with their arms.

Putting a really obvious trap, in a really suspicious room, that can't be disarmed, and when set off, all that happens is a duck falls from the ceiling into the player's hands.

>>1010720

Para could also refer to two arms.

Hence. Para. Two.

Good luck finding a spinal injury that *only* sets apart the arms, though.

>>1010738

I stand corrected.

>>1010390
>A delicate and beautiful magic doll with a elaborately carved key to see if the PC will wind it up
A brilliant idea~desu!

>>1010738
Just ask Joker to shoot you in the spine!

>>1010414

Hey, it might be a blasphemy against god and nature but no one ever said that the lich was going to be a bad parent.

>>1010763

Oh God, just imagine that child, ten or fifteen years later.

It wouldn't have anyone to learn facial expression from.

>>1010808

>>1010808
Liches sometimes employ beings other than the fleshless dead.

>>1010808
So taking bets; Would the lich try to steer the child towards evil, or try to compensate for their own likely lacking childhood?

>>1010840
That'd depend on the Lich, I think. Most would probably rather have a meatshield and someone who could stroll into the local library without torches and pitchforks being unsheathed.
>>1010825
And those creatures would make facial expressions...why?

>>1010840
I vote for the latter, it's just so much more heartwarming. Also, a much better mindfuck for players, Just like the "Please get up Mr Bubbles!" from Bioshock,

Place a mystical sword of immense strength and power in a room, set traps all around it designed to set the players getting to it, when they finally get to it, there's a sign saying "Death to all that pick up the blade". When they pick up the sword nothing happens, but inscribed on the blade is some sort of script that nobody there can translate. The weapon seems to act like a normal broadsword, but keep making the player roll random extra dice when he's trying to use the weapon, or even just holster it, or shine it. With no bad effects attached.

>>1010763
Discipline wouldn't be a problem.

"BAD BOY!" *negative energy touch*

>>1010881
until they pick up the Tomb Tainted Soul feat

>>1010840
I don't know, remeber the intellgent (sort of) zombies and ghouls in Planescape: Torment?

>>1010861

A lich can enslave some humans or other livening creatures. Stealing a whore to handle the messy biological matters of dealing with a child seems reasonable.

A litch that tries to lovingly raise a child but fails, often terribly, when trying to keep the child separate from his evil plots and plans could be either funny or really, really dark.

A room in a lich's moldering sanctum that is a strange parody of a spoiled child's room, as if assembled by someone that knew of them only by description, with a tiny closet sized room holding a terrified young whore who's back holds the scars from being punished for every failing, real and imagined.

>>1010840

It depends, really. Most liches are oft far beyond such things like children and mortality, that odds are that they'd just chuck the baby away or use it for experimentation; at best they'd find a way to give it to a foster home.

Now, if SOMEHOW the Lich itself was moved by the pure innocense and cuteness of the baby, it means that it has touched the Lich's long dead humanity/morality , and thus it would raise long dead feeling of fatherhood or at least idealistic pride of the concept of having a child and possible successor.

Being a Lich of Great Wizardly Power, as most Liches are, I guarantee you that it would undertake child-raising and caring and education for his new soon to be rptoege with the same focused dedication and attention an immortal wizard would have towards it's studies.

It would be raised well, and trained early in whatever it is skill at. Depending on the humanity of the Lich, however, it might be raised oddly.For example, the child would NEVER fear undead , having grown next to a powerfull example of one since birth, and it's have something along the lines of some weird empathy towards magic, considering it's living with a Wizard ALL it's life.

It'd make a interesting character.

Consider it stolen.

>>1010881
>>1010889

that could be a whole extra level of creepiness - the kid could become some sort of masochist for negative energy; later on adventuring the kid gets hit by some negative energy attack "oh yeah, that's just the way daddy punished me!"

>>1010423
>>1010650

I dont even play D&D, really. I was lying. Should I become a DM?

If its a girl, imagine when her boyfriend meets "Daddy"

>>1010911

Another example for it could be a lich that valued his human(oidanity?, eh)ity and had a child before they turned. Kept them to raise them for some reason or another, raising them from childhood. The typical wizard or cleric driven to lichdom would be more then capable of homeschooling someone and probably do good for errands at nearby towns.

So many interesting scenarios. "Sorry CRATHAK THE BLACK HOLOCAUST, I can't sacrifice a dozen innocents to you at midnight tonight, I'm teaching my daughter to ride a bike"

It would be such a great play on morals and stuff when players kill the lich or whatever.

I'm feeling a lot of Loli Loves Venom fans here.

>>1010981
Damn straight.

Heh. The little child walking into a meeting of villains because she wants a glass of water.

Damn, this makes me want to add something like this to my game.

Awesome thread. Minimal trolling, and i got a bucketload of ideas for my Warhammer group. Thanks, /tg/, 100 internets to you.

to OP: trying to get Paladins to lose their class is so old, unoriginal, and cliché. It seems like in every game where there is a paladin the DM hurf durf imma be clevar

>>1011008

I don't do that to fuck up their class, I do it because it's funny to see themselves try to work out of it.

Haven't ANY of you seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail?

"NO NO, I WANT TO STAY AND FACE THE PERIL"

>>1011008
The only real reason to play a Paladin is to see if your character's holiness can survive the DM's dickery.

>>1010911

So basically
<=

>>1010940

Wow. It's like the boyfriend's in the living room sitting quietly on the couch next to the Lich, waiting for the girl to get done changing. The lich slowly turns towards him, and holds up an ancient, half-dessicated condom. "I don't need them anymore, and you're probably going to do her. However, if anything happens, consider your skeletal system my bitch."

>>1011034
He'd probably take a vow of celibacy right there and then.

Jesus fucking christ, I need to do this lich-rasied idea now.

>>1011050

Probably just because he'd be too afraid to touch the 1000 year old love glove.

I'd do the whole lich-raised thing, but now I'm afraid that like 50 other people here are going to take it and it wouldn't feel original anymore.

>>1011069

I barf'd.

I love the Lich-parent idea... definitely using it for my D&D group. you have won 10d6+12 internets.

I use the planescape campagin setting specificly for fucking with all my players.

We had a Necropolitan and a Paladin of Pelor in the same party once, and they became friends... later I had a woman from his church, hunt him down for dissenting from their anti-undead beliefs. Being the Chivalrous bastard he was, making him fight a higher ranking church official that was also a woman really fucked with him.

Another party member had his parents brutally slain but cultists. Later in the campagin they had to save a good aligned border town from falling into Celestia and upsetting the balance of the planes by starting a evil cult there.

on another note, archive this shit.

Bump for Pwn!

I did an amazing mometn in my game where I had a doll show up as part of the loot for the group. However, when anyone saw this doll, they looked to have a knowing stare to it, and immediately vied in various ways to obtain it. BUying it, threatening trying to weasel their way for it. An enchantress offered herself up for the doll, too. However, when I had them up to five people wanting it back, a little girl came outta nowhere. When she came up, every vier of that doll backed up, and watched with a tinge of fear. She said her name, and asked if she could have her dolly back. She said her name was Heather, and the doll had the name stitched on her butt, as the girl explained. After some debate, they gave the doll back. They said "Thank you Misters!" And gave them all a hug at the legs, before skipping off. The people who wanted the doll look at each other and immediately left in their own methods, one teleporting out. BUt they all had the same worried stare, like they just handed over the keys of the entire world over to a drunk driver on cocaine who was trying to outrace the cops.

It's been five months in game, nd nothing has happened. The people who contacted them about the doll dismissed it with this peculiar stare, like they didn't -want- to hear about it, or simply dropped off the face of their sphere of influence. They -still- wonder where the fuck Heather went.

bump

>>1012683

You should make your PCs find the burnt out husk of a girl in a remote locale they explore, and if they inspect it they see a gaping chest wound with what looks like a bit of cloth and wood resting in its center.

If they roll the proper skill checks and do some more investigating/dissection they'll find a doll in her chest gripping onto her muscle groups like it was controlling her corpse like some crude marionette. With the name "Heather" stitched into the back.

>>1012915

Actually, they were going to find the doll again, covered in blood. Then, anyone who was at the time they met "Heather", they will honestly admit to never seeing a little girl. To everyone in that event, the wizard burned the doll infront of them all. Even scrying will help prove the claims of others. Also, they'll seem -way- too eager to have burned the doll.
Any attempts to get rid of the doll will prove futile. It'll always show up, it'll always return. I'm still working on what happens afterwards. And no matter how many times it's cleaned off, that stain will return.

>>1012915
>>1012972
Both of these are pretty nice and creepy.

a severed penis is found, along with the treasure in the treasure chest

>>1012990
Which explains why the lich doesn't need that condom anymore.

>>1013011
BEST.
PHYLACTERY.
EVER.

Adventurer 1: "Oh by the Nine Hells, you won't believe what that lich kept inside his desk drawer."
*Adventurer 1 holds up a shriveled mummified penis*
Adventurer 2: "Must've been pretty valuable to him."
Adventurer 3: "Could it be?"
*Awkward pause*
Whole Party: "Naaaaaah."

There we go - all archived.

>>1013023

*failed knowledge check*

"it appears to be some kind of wand, shriveled by the ravages of time..."

>>1013039
>>"it appears to be some kind of wang, shriveled by the ravages of time..."

Fixed.

>>1013056
>>that's the joke.jpg

>>1013039
>"it appears to be some kind of staff, shriveled by the ravages of time..."

>>1013077

>>1013085

A NIGGA LICH 8U

>>1013039
And for the rest of the campain, one of the PC's will hold on to this valuable and surely very powerful magic wand.

Awesome.

the litch raise idea is ridiculous amounts of win and I'm stealing it

>>1013097 8U
sage