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/qst/ - Quests

After that eventful day the talks went on for two more days alongside the seemingly endless interviews.
But by the end of that it seems that things somewhat quieted down as the governments and populace of Earth was satiated for a while and felt the need to digest the deluge of information they received.
Finally the royal family is fully free to experience the planet for themselves. Or at least, relax for a bit.

But during that period, you had the honor of acting as a mixture between a guide and a bodyguard for their retainers and spent what little free time you were allowed to train a bit with those three Saiyans you struck a bargain with.
Which helped a great deal with your reputation amongst the rank and file of the SDF troopers.
They saw your willingness to mingle with the lower class and started opening up to both you and the idea of mingling with other humans they might occasionally bump into.

However there was a big downside to it all.
Naturally, as things went on security started getting sloppy and the media finally started getting snippets of information.
Most notably about your sister and you. While they can't confirm any sort of connection between the two of you... that doesn't mean the internet didn't go haywire.
The rumors circulating about you grew in intensity even more, with some even speculating that you two are related.
Well... not much you can do about that, really.

So instead you opted to focus on what's important: Making sure things continue going smoothly and NOTHING bad happens.

>You heard the queen's been asking questions about you. Better check out what that's about
>Find Cabba and talk things through with him. Poor guy's been stuck in meetings for two days now.
>Get the SDF guys and show them where the tournament will be held and start organizing things with them
>You heard the queen's been asking questions about you. Better check out what that's about
>You heard the queen's been asking questions about you. Better check out what that's about

She’s far too prudent and cunning to be left waiting for long.
All in agreement I see

We can fight space pirates without flinching even little bit but that lady scares the crap out of us. That's impressive as she is not even an enemy as it stands.
It's probably a combination of the Queen being hot as fuck and Eric's spaghetti dimension that spills every time he talks with women.
Her social power level is through the roof, being able to be a ruling politician of an entire civilization while maintaining a large family. Eric, on the other hand, is probably still stuck in the Saiyan saga.
Obviously the Queen asking about you is a big deal, especially since she's not asking YOU directly.
Also given the fact that she's remarkably prudent and cunning for a Saiyan, she shouldn't be left waiting for too long.
So you get ready and make your way to the presidential suite of the hotel where they are accommodated.

By this point the staff know not to bother the guy built like a brick shithouse and wearing a bone mask.
After reaching her suite you start knocking on the door and a pair of guards open it for you.
They barely even get to take a good look at you before a voice could be heard coming from inside.
"Who is it?"

"It's the Earthling my queen!"

"Ah. Excellent. Please do let him in."

This seems a bit... odd, given how she could sense your presence. Most likely a formality, or perhaps a tactic to throw you off guard.
Regardless which it is, you enter and get greeted by the robe wearing lady standing up from her armchair and extending a greeting to you.
"Welcome son of Earth... I hope it's okay if I don't address you directly.
I've found a few listening devices in the room and I'm not sure I got them all."

Those... cunts.
"I hope you didn't take offense to that."

"My dear, it's rather unsightly when one gets offended at little things like that.
Only if they do it again after I voice my complaints regarding them will I be... and even then it'd be more accurate to say "disappointed" rather than "offended".
But look at me ramble... Please tell me, to what do I owe this pleasure?"

"I heard you asking questions about me."

"That I did-"
She stands up and walks over to a wine rack. Carefully she examines each and every bottle until finally she picks one out and pours herself a glass after opening it.
"Care to join me? I do hate talking in such a formal manner.
A more... casual discussion would be most welcome."

>Thanks but... I don't drink on the job
>No thanks
>No thanks

Take a few sips to be polite. Obviously don’t drink very much if it’s on par with rubbing alcohol like how most Saiyan booze tends to be.
>Only drink 1 or 2 shots, you don't want a repeat of last time you overindulged yourself in saiyan booze
A hint: It's not Saiyan stuff
Well, okay.
Polite sip only

>Shure. Take a glass to slowly enjoy maybe take another if it's the good stuf no more thought. You saw how mutch control over your mouth you had when drunk with Renso.
You shudder as you recall how wasted you got. So with a few reservations you sheepishly nod.
"But only a bit."

"Of course."
She takes the same bottle she was drinking from and hands over a glassful to you.
Giving it a cautious sip just for testing purposes you conclude that... yeap, it's made from grapes.
Seeing your reaction the Queen chuckles a bit.
"I see you are about as much of an expert as I am.
Truth be told I don't know what it's made from but it's much more palpable than Saiyan drinks.
Those tend to be... crude and unrefined. These are pleasantly weak by contrast."

Sighing with relief at the realization that this is NOT Saiyan in origin, you take in a bit more.
Though it's not sweet by any means, it's not unpleasant. Smacking your lip a bit you set down the glass and lean back a bit.
"So... if you don't mind me asking, what were you so curious about?"

"Hmmmm. Hard to say exactly.
I hope I don't come across as presumptuous when I say I've come to understand your species over the past few days."

"No, not at all."
In fact, you'd be shocked otherwise.
Of all the Saiyans she seems to be the only one who has the capacity to do such a thing.

"And I hope you also don't mind that I've been asking around."
She speaks as she rolls the neck of the glass between her fingers.
"From every source I knew, Cabba, your... earthling lady friend and finally, my own family.
I wanted to know every detail about you because, frankly, you aren't like the others."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"Good. I meant it as such.
I'll be blunt. Your people are weak, cowardly and unremarkable.
Yet here you are... One of the most interesting specimens I've ever seen."
The queen then chuckles a bit and leans back in her chair.
"I'm not even sure which one of us should pay respect to the other.
After all, you outrank me quite a bit."

"I wouldn't go that far-"

"Don't be modest.
After all not many people are affiliated with a... God of Destruction."
For fucks sake.. Why did she have put so much emphasis on that name?
"But now that you're here I don't have to rely on second hand information. After all, everyone has an angle, an agenda, a different viewpoint...
I hope you'll allow me a few questions. So that I get to know yours."

>Of course.
>That depends heavily on the question
>I politely refuse
>That depends heavily on the question
>That depends heavily on the question but I don't see that many topics I would refuse to speak about.
>That depends heavily on the question
>That depends heavily on the question
>That depends heavily on the question
>I'm surprised,I didn't even know there were saiyans out there with training in psionics. I assumed that you were all extremely ki centric, but I suppose there are exceptions to every rule.
It should be pretty obvious by now that she's actually psychic
You nod.
"That depends heavily on the question but I don't see that many topics I would refuse to speak about."

Now with your permission, let us begin."
The queen adjust her posture by setting down her glass and crossing her legs.
"What's your exact relationship with the God of Destruction?"

"I'm his chef..."

She frowns a bit.
"I heard that... though I found it to be a bit too ridiculous to believe."

"I assure you.
It's true."

"Well... That changes things.
I surely hope we'll get to experience the cooking of a god."

"I'm no god. But if you wish for a meal then all you need is ask.
Maybe after the Tournament. Or the day before."

"I'd find that positively lovely.
But back to the topic at hand...
For you to be his personal chef is... perplexing to say the least."

"Why is that?"


"Because there are no records of him having a personal chef like you. Ever.
Which is odd, considering there used to be a planet called Bah-kon. Its residents were a race of pig-like humanoid with exceptional smell and what was said to be the most refined palette in the galaxy.
Their meals were the wonder of the galaxy."

"Used to be?"

"What do you think happened to it?"

"Champa obviously."

He disliked their food and eradicated them completely.
A race whose every facet of existence was attuned to the making of exquisite meals... gone, like dust in the wind.
And yet here you are. An individual from the most bland species in the universe, from a nameless rock that's barely out of the stone age... Serving the God of Destruction as a chef.
Doesn't it seem a bit inconsistent?"

"It does strike me as odd.
But not everybody is the same. Champa simply happened to like Earthly cuisine.
That's all."

"I surely hope you don't mean that."
She uncrosses her legs and places her elbows on her lap as she leans forward to look at you.
"Tell me... do you know how the gods operate?"

"A bit..."

"Let me be more specific?
Do you know how they create life?"


"I don't mean their method... but their methodology.
And I'm sure you'll quickly figure it out."
File: pig planet.jpg (17 KB, 480x360)
17 KB
"For such higher beings they are deceptively simple... or lazy, depending on how much credit you are willing to give them.
Now I have no proof of this but to me it seems like each and every species has something... special to them."

"What do you mean?"

"Haven't you noticed?
Us Saiyans are naturally strong and grow stronger at an incredible rate, making us excellent warriors.
Namekians can subside mostly on water, they enjoy great longevity and over all consume very little from their environment, making them very passive, pacifist creatures.
The Frost Demons are nigh indestructible, making them, some would say rightfully believe they are the Kings of the Universe.
And the Tuffles are born much more intelligent than most.
Notice the pattern?"

"Every one is geared for a single purpose."

"While it may not be obvious at first glance, especially when one only considers his own race.
However it becomes quite clear when you look at the bigger picture. Even if in minor ways, it's clear that the Supreme Kais bestowed us with features which shape who we are in sometimes subtle ways...
We are shaped by them. Whether we like it or not, whether we acknowledge it or not."

"Your point?"

"My point is... that either they've become lazy when making you.
Or you came out of the oven a little raw. You lack anything which would make you truly exceptional.
I tried to figure out what's your gift. But I couldn't come up with anything. There's nothing you are much better at than anyone else.
Yet here you are. Transcending what most other mortals could even dream of..."

"Not all of us fit the mold.
You are also guilty of that. I don't think I've ever seen a Saiyan like you."

"Oh? You've seen many of us?
Strange. As far as I knew, you only had minor contact with a few of us. And only interacted with Cabba boy for an extended period of time..."

"Don't try to change the subject!
Not when you brought it up in the first place.
How is there a psychic Saiyan? The same way I am here..."

She chuckles a little.
"My boy you are misguided.
I'm no psychic. Though I admit to being different from most Saiyans.
My tribe is a bit... odd by our standards. My ancestors were not great warriors. In fact, by current standards, I am a lower class.
But I don't conform to their standards. For I am a daughter of mystics and shamans.
Now... how about you? Are you from a special tribe as well? What makes you so special? Or more accurately, what makes your race so special?"

>Well... (write-in)
>I don't know
>I don't know

We’re still trying to find that out ourselves.

Each of the Kais had a different opinion on why humanity was special.

Alternate-King Kai thought it was a powerful drive combined with lack of caution or hesitation. Fuwa also thought that humanity would pan out pretty awesomely in a few millennia, though he didn’t elaborate on it nor did we ask him.

We don't know and Kais themselves had difrent opinions.
>I don't know

Just some thinking out loud here.

It seems like humanity is pretty ass when left alone to its own devices, seeing as how we collectively managed to kill our selves pretty thoroughly over resources or ideology despite there being an abundance of both. Perhaps the overall lack of a goal to work toward made humanity lax and petty, and instead of living peacefully or improving shit this overwhelming drive got turned into a desire for self-glorification and/or the manufacturing of new problems for them to solve.

This seems to have calmed down considerably since being made aware of the afterlife though. But already things were going back to business as usual up until Frost arrived. But who knows? Maybe being exposed to the galaxy and knowing that the sky isn’t the limit, and that there’s a potentially infinite frontier will be just the thing that mankind needs to distinguish itself.
>Well... Kinda, the Vikings were known as great warriors in their heyday but certainly nowhere near I am now, honestly I think my strength is more nurture than nature especially since I was taught by divine beings. I guess the thing about humans is they can adapt to just about anything and find find unique ways to exploit any mechanic of the universe put in front of them. If you were to give someone like Chis-Chan even the basics of magic within a year you would be seeing some wild shit. I guess in simpler terms autism is quite literally mankind's super power. We went from the first plane to the moon in 66 years. I can't even begin to imagine the advances that will be made in the next 10 years once interstellar trade becomes more common.
>I don't know
>But if I had to venture... I'd say that we are the least simple of all the races I've seen. Whereas Saiyans, Namekians and the like seem to have
their very globalized, set in stone culture, us Earthlings are as varied as we can be. Which may seem like a disaventage, and life did give us some rough lessons, but I found myself coming back to those lessons more often than not. And more often than not, I came out of problems better because of it.
I'm gonna go off and have some dinner
Once I'm back I'll try to make up a composite choice based on write-ins
Wasn't there a scene where Champa looked at training results and they started similar conversation? Or atleast helpful look on how teach wievs humans.
>We're problem solvers. I think that Humans, assuming they aren't crushed immediately, will rise to the occasion and solve any problem thrown at them, given enough motivation of course. When something doesn't work, we try something else, we keep on trying until it does. Our weak state is probably due to the lack of ki, physics, magic, and other strong powers being used on Earth. I expect that humans will rise to meet the power gap introduced by our entry into the galaxy, simply because they can. Our strength is adaptability, plain and simple.
I'm bad at sounding in character, so anyone's welcome to rewrite.
But the purpose is different.
Back then it was more of a self discovery thing. Now you're trying to sell your species to an alien queen. Kinda

Anyway, this may take a while.
I'll have to apply some elbow grease to these posts to work them together

You lean back and stare at the ceiling for a while, contemplating an answer.
Throughout your trials that question has been looming over your head. But even now the answer eludes you.
"Guess I got nothing to loose by saying this: I don't know for sure."


"But don't take it the wrong way.
Not even the Kais seem to know. And the ones I talked with have vastly different opinions regarding the matter.
So I guess the descriptor that we are "Half baked" is apt... Not even we know why we're here. In fact we've been wondering where our place in the universe is ever since our inception."

"I see-"

"If I had to share my piece on it however... I'd say the answer is water."

She seems completely taken back by your answer. As if she just heard something so idiotic, something so fundamentally stupid from a child that it went full circle, from adorable to shocking.

"You're correct, we got no special features, nothing remarkable about us. We are plain as water.
But place us in any container and we can fit in it..."

Suddenly she shifts around as if she achieved enlightenment.

"We are kinda bad at everything, surviving, fighting and we got no centralized government or culture.
Our varied environments caused us to splinter and develop divergently. We are very varied.
Which may seem like a disadvantage but because our different viewpoints... sometimes one of us finds a solution the rest of us can't figure out. And once that happens the rest pick up on it and begin to rapidly develop afterwards.
So this is it... we are varied, adaptable. When one solution doesn't work we try something else until it does."

"Interesting. Jack of all trades, master of none?"

You nod.
"I think so.
In the last sixty years we developed more than in the last couple hundred.
That's because of what I said. When some development is made, it spreads out, everyone adapts it... then diverges from it in directions the originator didn't even think of."

She leans in closer to listen to you.
"And tell me. Would that apply if we took you into the fold, as it were?"

You nod.
"Let me answer your question... with another question.
If you were given a piece of technology to study it... what would you do?"

"Why study it, of course.
What else?"

"Well... a human would immediately ask for another.
If you asked why, they'd say for spare. Then they'd ask for another because in truth, they duck-taped the previous two together just to see what would happen. And since it didn't blow up they want to see how far they can push their luck."

"That... sounds incredibly self destructive!"

"Well, we DID wipe ourselves out at one point!"
"And yet... you were brought back.
By Champa no less..."

"He just wanted our food... That's no exaggeration.
But even he started to question exactly what we are and what made us special. I gave him the same answer. Nothing.
We aren't special. However if a problem comes up, we rise to the occasion. Especially now that we calmed down after got put in our place."

"And then one of you got into space and started defying all expectations."

"I don't like to brag but if that's how you perceive it I'll take the compliment."
You shrug.
"So? Was my answer satisfactory?
Do you think we'll be beneficial to have around?"

"Were my intentions that transparent?"

"A little bit."

"Well... I did.
Now I'm a bit more concerned about what would happen should you be unleashed.
However, I must admit it's very pleasant to finally have a conversation with someone... stimulating.
But if it's alright with you, I'll cautiously advise my dear husband to keep you on a short leash for a while.
If what you're saying is true then giving you access to everything at once may be a bit hazardous."
She then lowers her eyes and looks up at you suggestively.
"Unless someone who already proved their capability took charge and focused the humans..."

>That's fine. I'm not interested
>We don't do that here. But I'm humbled
>Would you... vouch for me?
>>That's fine. I'm not interested
>That's fine. I'm not interested
>Not too interested in that. While I will certainly try to keep an eye out for stupidity the best I can... I have obligations for Champa and no one wants him grumpy.
>What we need is for someone reliable to take up position of guardian sadly I have no idea who should take it as the other guy I knos with some good KI training is not suited to the role to say the least.
>That's fine. I'm not interested
Truthfully, we've already been warned about our spontaneity and not thinking about the grander repercussions of our actions. We're strong, we're smart, but we're a little lacking in the experience and wisdom department. Honestly, I reckon our best bet for a Singular World Leader would be to ask King Kai who the most promising candidate would be - he's been keeping a very close eye on shit, after all, and he seems pretty fuckin competent.
It's good to see when players are given something on a silver platter and they say: Naw

Eric’s got enough on his plate with training and catching up with his buddies. Adding on politicking and all that other stuff and that’s a recipe for a very jaded and exhausted ascended human.
We have things to do and a 1 man show isn't very American. A small senate of guardians would be more appropriate for our species, but if it devolves into petty disputes and power struggles we will be more than willing to lay down the law.
"Thanks but I'm not interested.
Not to mention how it'd be a downgrade from my current position... and Champa not being cranky is beneficial to more than just Earth I think."

"That is indeed correct.
Thankfully the destroyer has been quite content lately."

"But unfortunately this isn't the first time this got brought up.
Our spontaneous growth and all that. Unfortunately I don't know anyone who could take up the mantle."

"Hmmmm... do you think Earthlings would be opposed to a leader outside their species?"

I think that'd result in a quick rebellion.
While we are okay with bureaucracy, we despise the idea of someone not like us bossing us around so directly...
Leaves a bad taste in our mouth and triggers a few bad memories."

"I see. That is most unfortunate.
I think you could benefit from something like a Namekian helping you."

"What we need is... a guardian I believe they are called?
I met Nameks and he seemed to be very useful."

"Wait... you DON'T have a Guardian?!"

"I-Is that so shocking?"

"Shocking?! That's unprecedented!"
She seems genuinely taken back by this. This is the first time her calm, royal demeanor has been broken quite spectacularly.

"W-Well it's not like I even got a suitable man for the job anyway.
The one guy I know that has any sort of knowledge about Ki and whatnot is NOT exactly someone you'd wanna trust with that."

Queen Pinto is quite unnerved by this, to the point that she still hasn't gotten back in character.
"Y-You might want to get on that!
That's seriously bad!"

What's their work anyway?
All I know is that they are vaguely mystic and stuff..."

"They act as overseers for planets and keep a direct contact with a Kai.
That way the gods are constantly notified about development on a planet!"

"King Kai claimed to be omniscient!"

"Even a Kai can't pay attention to everything at once.
Without a guardian it's possible your Kai didn't have time to look at your planet since the inception of your species!
I once more implore you to get one as soon as you can! Even if it's a member of another species!"
>nominate a Guardian of the planet
I maintain my head canon that we used to have a Guardian, but he got mad at us and sudoku’d the whole shebang back during the Tower of Babel incident.
got links to the older threads?
Her highness quickly finishes the remainder of her drink and then gasps with relief.
"Ah... better.
Honestly, that explains so much yet brings up so many more questions.
How your species could wipe itself out so easily, how aimless your development was.
What sort of cruel joke is this? Did they just leave you to your fate? To see what happens or...
No. It couldn't be."
Suddenly her eyes shoot up as she claps her mouth shut and looks at you.
"Tell me son of Earth... Has there been a mass extinction event on your planet before?"


"Hmmmm? Why, yes. Several."

"I mean natural ones!"

"Like I said. We only did one.
We had several. The greatest were the dinosaurs. Giant reptiles that were wiped out entirely due to a variety of factors."

"I don't believe it!
Is it a coincidence?"

"What are you rambling about?"

Her eyes are now practically shaking.
She swallows hard and nervously, her heart rate is increasing visibly as she starts to sweat.
"What if... you were not planned at all? What if these dinosaurs were meant to be the originals but failed...
And then the gods just forgot about your planet and one day... you showed up?!"

Reality then smacks you in the face like a brick.
If... If what she's saying is true... If it's even a LITTLE true then...
"The conception of humans is the equivalent of a broken condom?"
You shake your head. No. It can't be. Didn't the Kais mention something about that?
Or... Or were they cowering for themselves? Was there really a dinosaur guardian at one point but gave up? Did they even reach that point?!

Like a man who peered into something he shouldn't have you draw back hard.
And judging by the queens expression you must look like she did mere moments ago.
Looking down at the glass in your hand you down it and attempt to bury this train of thought DEEP.
No point dwelling on it now... nothing good can come of it.

Pinto seems to agree as she pours herself another glass.
"Well... I'd say that's enough excitement for one day...
My curiosity got the better of me... again.
Now... if your offer still stands I'd very much appreciate that meal you offered.
I think a little distraction would be good now. Wouldn't you agree?"

>Yes, yes that'd be a very good idea. Please assemble your family, I'll get everything ready!
>Not now. I... I need time to think. Thank you for having me
>>Yes, yes that'd be a very good idea. Please assemble your family, I'll get everything ready!
>Yes, yes that'd be a very good idea. Please assemble your family, I'll get everything ready!
>Yes, yes that'd be a very good idea. Please assemble your family, I'll get everything ready!
>Yes, yes that'd be a very good idea. Please assemble your family, I'll get everything ready!

Time for Eric to get his chef on.
Time to visit Hells kitchen then
"Y-Yes! That's a brilliant idea!"
You spring up like your life depends on it and start making your way to the door.
"Please assemble your family, I'll get everything ready!"

"Okay. Where shall we wait?"

"Outside will be fine.
I'll get the staff to assemble a table and some chairs for you!"

With that you step outside and hurry downstairs so you can occupy yourself ASAP.
On your way to the kitchen you tell the gits working there to hurry and prepare something for the esteemed guests outside while you get to work.
Of course they tried to stop you, saying that they'll "handle it" but you don't care enough about them to listen.
Without a care in the world you barge into the kitchen where the cooks immediately start demanding who you are and why you're in there.
Shooting them one glare you get them to shut up and tell them that: "I am the Captain now!"

Surveying the kitchen itself you assess what ingredients you can work with and nod happily that they are well stocked.
Well... they used to be well stocked until you got in. Now all that's here is potential sacrifice for their hungry alien guests.
The only question is... what will you prepare?

>Some classic Saiyan appetite annihilators will do
>Show them some traditional earthly cuisine
>Try something new, something experimental
>Show them some traditional earthly cuisine
>Show them some traditional earthly cuisine
>>Show them some traditional earthly cuisine
>Show them some traditional earthly cuisine
Well that's nice and one sided
This'll only take a minute.
Got some more options for ya
You think about it for a moment...
The Master? Nah. You want to impress them, not find the shortest way to their hearts.
Something experimental? Nope. Now's not an opportune time to play mad scientist with food.
That just leaves the plain old classics.

Sensible and varied dishes from mother Earth.
Yeeeah. That should do the trick!

Looking over the pantry you grab a few empty boxes and haul out as much of the essentials as you can. Oil, meats, veggies, seasoning, what have you.
The chef meanwhile protest loudly, asking you what the fuck are you doing.
"Have you lost your mind? This is enough to feed the entire hotel!"

Now shut up and get out of my way.
I can't guarantee your safety once I get cooking."

"Okay. Where do you need us?"

"I just told you! Outside dumbass!"

Are you insane-"

While the little man screeches you formulate the recipes in your head.
Yeah, a full course menu. Hors d'Oeuvre, Soup, Fish Dish, Meat Dish, Main Course, Salad, Dessert and Drinks to compliment them... wonderful.
Now... the preparation-

>Nothing fancy. Regular Earth cooking... Taken to the Nth degree!
>Pour your heart and soul into it! Figuratively and quite literally
>Show them why you're the God of Cooking! All bullshit! NO BRAKES!
>Show them why you're the God of Cooking! All bullshit! NO BRAKES!
File: a74.jpg (80 KB, 858x694)
80 KB
>>Show them why you're the God of Cooking! All bullshit! NO BRAKES!
>Show them why you're the God of Cooking! All bullshit! NO BRAKES!
>Show them why you're the God of Cooking! All bullshit! NO BRAKES!
>Pour your heart and soul into it! Figuratively and quite literally

Take this, Saiyans! The combined passion of thousands of years of humanity’s culinary spirit!
Oh fuck.
This might be... wacky.

Roll your dice then!
DC: 7 Crit: 17
Best of 4
Rolled 21 (1d21)

Rolled 2 (1d21)

File: Monkaw.jpg (15 KB, 383x383)
15 KB
Guess we're doing this now

“Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food.”
Rolled 14 (1d21)

Rolled 6 (1d21)

You grab hold of a knife as the ape next to you goes ballistic and give the instrument a few test swings.
The other chefs immediately take a step back as you begin slashing away the thing, then stare in awe as you twirl the thing between your fingers with the finesse of a god.
Eventually you stab the thing into the chopping board in front of you.
"I don't like the balance. This won't do."
Turning on the gas stove and fucking REACH into the flame, scoffing at it.
"And that's not enough...
Turning it off you take a step back and raise your fist.
"I'll do it myself!"


Extending your fingers, you relinquish control over your ki and allow your aura to flare up naturally.
Then as a wave of force washes over the entire kitchen and shakes everything not nailed down, you concentrate the energy around your hand, forming a knifce sharp enough sever the bond between atoms.
Using this fine instrument you start preparing your ingredients with speed faster than the human eye could track.
All the remaining chefs can see is that everything above your waist became a blur and ingredients disappear then reappear at the table.

Filet the fish, peel the vegetables, tenderize the meat with focused punches delivered with pin point accuracy and most of all... use everything at your disposal! Waste! Nothing!
Everything edible, no matter how unappealing it may be gets utilized in such a fashion that it's not only unrecognizable but even appealing.
From the last scrap of meat to the peel of the potato, everything which has nutritional value gets mercilessly processed and incorporated into the dishes.

A vegetable soup containing plants from all four seasons, their flesh as ripe and delicious as if it was just plucked from the ground, revitalized by an influx of life energy from you.
The appetizer is an unnaturally rich, gelatinous mass which is just a medium to hold the various leftovers of the other ingredients, such as the heads, skin, guts and bones of the fish pulverized and turned into a fine paste. These alongside shredded vegetable bits float in the jelly which is held together by the collagen extracted from the skin of the pork which you processed.
The meat dish is the old, the classic steak with mashed potatoes and a delectable gravy. All prepared with the utmost care.
The fine cut of beef is cooked just right, using not the oven but the energy emanating from your palm to heat the pan.
The fish dish? How about a little touch of eastern exoticism with just a hint of a western twist? An assortment of sushi delicacies both from Asia and the West.
Rice purer than virgin snow, freshly prepared under a second while time itself was stopped.
The fish purged of every atom which would contaminate it and alter its taste.

For the main course something... hearty. Yes, that's perfect.
Pizza as a part of such a grandiose menu might be frowned upon by most people, but fuck 'em.
Your goal is to showcase as much of Earths cuisine as you can.
Freshly made dough, sauce and only the finest assortment of cheeses on top alongside the best possible combination of toppings, expertly chosen after careful sampling to find the most harmonious flavors.

How about the salad?
It has to be light, perhaps even a little sweet? Your meal is pretty lacking in that flavor so far.
Waldorf Salad it is! Such a perfect little combination of handmade mayonnaise, ripe grapes, fresh celery and crunchy walnuts.

And last but not least the dessert.
Well... if one of your greatest creations is good enough for Champa then it'll be good for them too!
The Eternally Jiggling Vanilla Pudding of the Gods! With your special caramel sauce!"

Wait... you forgot something!
Oh! Of course! The drink! Well... this is a pretty hearty meal and giving them alcohol might be a bad idea.
So how about something that's also handmade? Yes. A nice, fresh lemonade will do!
About ten gallons should be enough by your estimation.

Taking a step back to admire your creation, this MASSIVE amount of food... you sigh with relief.
Turning around you look at the other chefs and roar at them.
"What are you standing around for? Get the waiters or something! Or do you expect me to carry all this by myself?
Well I could... but that's not the point! We need to show off! US! Not just me!"

"T-That was ten minutes!
How the fuck did you-"

"I'm the god of cooking, that's how!
Now do I have to repeat myself? MOVE IT!"

Sadly the reaction for that will have to wait until next thread as I'm feeling rather tired.
I don't know when the next thread will be as I have to work on Sunday... but I'd like to try Tuesday?
I'll update you on Sunday once I know more

Take care fellas!
thanks for the run not-som
Ayyy - looking forward to it! I like the idea that humans might simply be an coincidental abomination that was never meant to exist, harnessing their total lack of purpose as raw, self-determined potential. Also, MAXIMUM COH-KING ALCHEMY A-GOGO BABY!!!
Man I NEED a Omake of us meeting Sanji and having a Cookoff
Sanji from One Piece
Aka this absolute madlad
Is that you???
No but it's a running theme around here.
I believe someone thought I was him at one point, then there's my namesake which is an entirely different beast
A quick little update:
I got A bad news and some VERY good news!
To get it over with, here's the bad.

I'm gonna do another double night shift.
Meaning the next session is postponed to Wednesday. However that one is guaranteed as I'll be in the dayshift that day.
Following that I'll do another one on Saturday.
That's it for the immediate stuff.

After that I'll have exactly 1 double night shift but in turn... WE'LL GET BACK TO OUR REGULAR SCHEDULE!
That means I'll have plenty of dayshifts and days between nightshifts when I can write.
As for now I'll try to whip up something in my spare time to keep you entertained, even if only for a little bit
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>Hiz Skeduel?
>Dump eet. Doble Sheift.

>Yes, my Lord.
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>Not zis tiem... Bog.
When is Not-Som going to confirm the Bogdanoff brothers as incredibly high tier psychics?

>Zorry Mister Champa. Your zervises are no longer requoiered!
>The phonecall that destroyed 6 universes.
Oh and... get this.
I can't confirm or deny if it was meant in the context I'm thinking of but one of my colleagues in his absolute boredom started going off on a tangent about "We're all unique individuals!"
I love this place

Anyway I'm mostly done with the crunch.
I'll get to writing that story I promised shortly
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>Champa hears about these powerful creatures called "Bogdanoffs" and finds their name vaguely familiar
>Visits Earth and a fight erupts between them
>Champa has the hardest fight of his life but by giving it 100% of his power he manages to kill one of the Bogs, but destroys the Earth in the process
>Bloodied and bruised, Grichka pulls out a phone from his torn suit
>A buzz echoes throughout the universe
>"Mr Popo... Activate ze final phase of Crab-17"
>"Yes Master!"
>Super Shenron is summoned and he restores Earth one final time
>As the last of the Bogs breathes his last, Humanity is reborn, its true potential unleashed at last.
>They become the dominant lifeform in the multiverse
>Wojak is still cucked out of his wage
"Urgh... Where am I?"
Eric asked groggily as he was rudely awoken in a strange, alien place.

"Yeah... my head feels like I collided with a spaceship again."
Caulifla also got up alongside Kale.

"Wh-What happened?"

The girls looked around in confusion, trying to get a grip on the situation.
But only the human had enough spatial awareness to realize the obvious.
They've been kidnapped.

I am your host Danny Paradox! Aaaand today we got you a doozie! We gathered up the best cooks that exists in every possible reality and those who don't and pitted them against each other!
All to answer one BURNING, ETERNAL question: WHO IS THE BESSSSST?!"

"What the fuck?"

The strange, fourth dimensional entity with the voice of an amplifier screeched further, explaining the rules of the competition.
Naturally some people tried to resist but they were quickly "calmed down" and put in place.
Apparently you're all stuck here for just an hour and once you're done you go back where you came from without remembering any of it. Weird but... okay.

"WEEEEE gathered up all the ingeredients you are familiar with, using cognitive data streamed directly from your brain to provide you with everything you could POSSIBLY need!
We've even provided you with a few beautiful assistants just so you aren't lonely! Aren't we nice?
NOOOOOOOW CONTESTANTS! Familiarize yourselves with your work stations!
The competition will soon commence! Better get ready!"

"Man... what a weirdo.
Hey Eric! Let's kick this guy so hard in the groin he'll think he got a pair of quantum nuts out of nowhere!"
Said Caulifla, smashing her fists together.

"Why bother?
An hour and we'll be out of here without any problems.
If they lied and they refuse to let us out then sure, kill them. But for now I don't see a point in fighting."

Party pooper."

"All I'm sayin' is that genocide shouldn't be the first answer to everything.
Now... since I'd rather not errr.... have you cut yourselves-"
Nice save.
"Who wants to be my taste tester instead."

As you take not of your inventory and the utensils provided for you however... you become aware of something quite noisy next to you.

I'm so happy I got to be here with you, just the three of us!
Don't worry, I'll handle everything! You just sit back and sample what I make!"

"Er... sure but... are you certain we'd make good judges?
I mean we're not food critics or anything."

"I don't care!
If it pleases you then it's good enough for me!

You look at this embarassing display as the guy makes a complete fool out of himself.
While being affectionate is not an issue, being this... pervy certainly is. The dude is basically a lapdog begging for them to step on him just so he could lick the sole of their boots.
No dignity.

"Ugh, well they DID say they brought everyone.
I just didn't think they meant it literally."

The guy then stands up and turns to look at you, his demeanor doing a complete 180. Looks like he heard that.
"Hey you... What did you just say?"

Turning away just enough to break eye contact you get back to preparing your ingredients.
"Nothing, nothing."

This may be a friendly competition but I won't be insulted by a gorilla in an apron."


"You heard it meathead..."

Sparks begin going off between the two of you as you exchange in a staring contest with the guy.
"That's rich coming from a guy who only ever encountered a spine at a butcher!"


The two of you get THIS close to butting your heads together but luckily some people decide to step in.
"Hey Sanji! Get a grip!"

"Oy Eric! Didn't you JUST say to not go for the throat immediately?!"

"S-Sorry, this doesn't usually happen-"

"Nah, I get it.
Boys can get dumb as hell when it comes to measuring dicks."

The orange haired girl and Caulifla then drag the two of you away while you growl menacingly at each other.
While it may not have broken out into an all out brawl, this little exchange set the mood for the rest of the competition however...
I wonder how bad Sanji's aneurysm will be when he realizes Eric, Caulifla and Kale are all dating? And maybe tastes Eric's literally divine cooking, though that would probably be more of a foodgasm than anything.
Silently the two of you decided to settle things in the kitchen the second the bell rang.
Fueled by a mutual hate-boner for the other both of you began intensely cooking to the best of your abilities.
During the process your ki started flaring up as your control over it started slipping.
Meanwhile the dude was literally on fucking fire... and he was fine!

Within the first few minutes each of you produce one plate and slide it over to the girls for a taste test.
Though you both get favorable results, each of you is more concerned with the crowd of the other, their pleasant reactions spurning you onward.

"No! Not good enough!
Must... make... better food than the chode!"

"Let's see who's the shit cook now!"

One by one you hand over newer and better platters to your testers, their reactions getting more and more intense with each new dish.
This goes on until all four of the women have fallen unconscious, practically foaming at the mouth from a flavor overdose.
Panting and glaring daggers at the other you both present your final and greatest creation to the judges.


At this point you didn't even give a shit about the judges or winning, you just wanted to one-up the other.
While the judges were making their decision the two of you continued to both nurse the girls back to health and make vague threats at each other.
Finally things calmed down once the announcer stepped up once more....
In the end neither of you managed to win and no placements beyond the first one were made public.... so much for that.
Apparently some unremarkable cunt who allegedly cooked GOD managed to win.
Talk about a fucking letdown.

With the girls getting back to consciousness the two of you sit down next to the counters, panting from exhaustion. Looks like this little event drained you more than even you anticipated.
The blonde guy then looked at you, lit a smoke and spoke up.

"Okay... let's exchange plates.
We'll taste the others cooking and we'll decide who won.

But no bullshit!
If you deny the quality of my meal it'll cost you your integrity as a chef!"

"Of course!
Who do you think I am, moron?!"


Begrudgingly you swap plates and without making any rude gestures you take a bite of the food.
Neither of you are willing to insult the sanctity of food just because of a little grudge.
But almost immediately you enter into a state of shock similar to that of the girls.

"I... I can't fucking believe it!
A fucking chainsmoker! How is it so good-"
You didn't mean to say that out loud.

At the exact same time the blonde guy also reeled back.
"So good... the flavor of the ingredients, the care with which they were prepared..."
"How did a brute like that create such a prime example of master level cooking?!"
The two of you exchange a nervous glance and then start laughing your asses off.
Yeah, I switched Eric from a "he" to a "you".
It's almost 5AM, blow me
"I guess appearances can be deceiving-"
The guy admits and extends a hand.
"I think we got off on the wrong foot. Sanji."

You give him a firm handshake and a smile.

"Heh... Sorry about that. You really reminded me of someone I hate."

I just assumed you're a slimy womanizer-"

"Oh no-"
He blows a puff of smoke before offering you one. You politely refuse it.
"I may be a creeper but it stems from my adoration of ladies.
To me there are two things one must always respect: Women and food."
Shit... you can respect that.
"How about you? With skills like that I don't think you're just a common cook.
You're clearly a chef."

"Yea... Not my chosen profession but I turned out to be quite good at it.
My lessons as a martial artist bled into my cooking, so I ended up abhorring the idea of wasting any part of an ingredient."

"Heh... is that right?"


But as you're talking the award ceremony behind you is slowly starting to wrap up by the sound of things.
Sanji taking this chance points at Caulifla and Kale.
"Well, looks like we'll be gone soon.
But before we do, tell me... Why did you use them as your tasters?
I consider myself somewhat of an expert yet not even I saw any difference between their reactions. Not the best aid if you ask me."


"Oh that?"
You shrug.
"I think I spent watching their every move that... now I can just tell when their mood shifts.
How their tail wags around, what sound they make... that sorta thing."

Hearing this the mans eye widens and grabs your shoulder.
"Hey... listen to me.
Whatever you do, make sure to cherish them! You hear?
If you hurt someone precious like that then you've failed as a man!"

"Heh... Idiot!
As if I need a third rate chef telling me that!"

Standing up he then gives you a hand and pulls you up on your feet.
And as you start disappearing he says this.
"Pray to whatever god you believe in. Because if I see your face again, I swear I'll rearrange it for you!"

"Bring it asshole!
I'll straighten your damn eyebrows if you try!"

"So long... asshole!"

Suddenly, your eyes snap open and you wake up in your own bed, stuck under a saiyan pile as two monkey girls are laying on top of you, their mumbling, muttering and gentle snoring almost enough to instantly lull you back to sleep.
"Man... what a weird dream..."
Them Saiyan girls gonna be hungry when they wake up.
If Eric can be forever thirsty then they can be patient while da boi whips them up something
The quest is interesting but the way sentences are arranged kind hurt me
ah fuck I'm reading the older threads. i still like it but god damn is it heavy on the anime tropes and shouting out special moves.
To be fair, a basement dweller turned chef/Psychic Battlemage would absolutely yell his special moves if he got the chance.
Basement? Didn't he share an apartment with like two other people? I am, SURPRISED his ass didn't annihilated sooner for not cooking more often for the god of destruction and just putzing around and wrecking his home. The shit. WOW. ok.
The way your sentence is arranged hurts me.
It's assumed that he cooks o off screen, but I would definitely love more cooking segments
Good. you too shall know my suffering.
Out of these two matters one genuinely baffles me but the other one I'd love to hear more about.
In the end this is still a Dragon Ball quest so yelling and calling out names isn't something out of the ordinary, if anything it's expected

However I'm interested in the arrangement of sentences.
Care to elaborate on what bothers you?
Your suffering is gay and unbased. My suffering is due to the fact that you have a tenuous grasp on the English language.
I do not see anything that bad I guess we have to see what they say.
you write this quest as if it were a VN. no descriptions of actions taken during speech, speech is the ultimate free action, separated from the action proper. that slows the pace of the general story
I... I don't know what to make of it either.
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You're dumb.
Well this is a quest so its kinda similar. Besides what you ask is basicly to ramp up complexity and word count for order of magnitude. Not somthing 4chan is suited to as it has pretty low size limit per post. Maybe if this was forum (like SB, SV or QQ) quest and Not-Som had a week to write and obses over the whole thing but... He dosent and lives require quick rapid fire writing.
Don't worry I speak retard. I think what he was trying to say is that verbal communication during fights ultimately cuts down on the narrative description of the blows being exchanged due to the character limit, thus leading to less detail.
Yeah, that kinda makes sense but...
What sheep said is correct
I don't have neither the time, nor the autism required to sit down and meticulously write an intricate and very detailed scene like Tolkien.
I'm just not talented enough for that. Not to mention how it would bog down an already "slower than I'd like" thread even more
Why do you speak retard?
It's a "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest " scenario I imagine, that's the most common at least.
When you have to spend time with idiots you slowly start assimilating their language and, if you're not careful, become one of them
Oh and one more thing, I still fully intend to run tomorrow.
Just a heads up
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So it wouldn't be out of character for Eric to get a pimp outfit to wear while the tournament is going on, right?
The planet Earth can only handle so much power you fool! The mere flexing of his muscles would shatter it into so much space dust!
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Wrestling's fake
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Tell that to Chris Benoit
So are Chinese cartoons, it may suprise you to know that pro wrestling is not a sport, but in fact the last bastion of performance theater in the modern era.
The chefs quickly fall in line as their resistance falters. They don't dare to disobey the absolute monster they just witnessed moving in fast forward and whipping out a feast fit for a king.
But... it becomes readily apparent to them that there is not enough of them.
Mobilizing the entire catering crew of the hotel, you make them form a line of carts jam-packed with food.

Though there aren't many guests right now in the hotel that aren't extra-terrestrial and even fewer of them are in the hall when your conga line of culinary delights marches through but those that are start to wonder if there is an event happening and they weren't notified.
Those that are curious enough to follow the trail are certain to be horrified when they see where all those meals are headed...

Outside a neat little area was set up for the Sadalan royal family with a few tables set up and put together, as per your instructions, and the whole thing is neatly shaded by the nearby trees.
Almost immediately as the doors are swung open and the delectable aroma of the dishes escapes you notice the youngest member of the family, Caya drooling as she starts sniffing the air.

They all turn their head and slowly follow her example.
Involuntarily they start hungrily breathing through their nose to sate their building desire for food.
Without missing a beat, the second things get within an arms reach they abandon all pretense and revert to the savage monkey men they are.
Just like Caulifla and Kale, they too start rather ungracefully stuffing their cheeks so much that they begin to swell.

The waiters and chefs stare in abject horror as their esteemed guests nearly choke themselves to death over the excessive amount of food they are gorging themselves on.
All except King Sadala himself, who looks quite sad as he attempts to slowly eat properly with his utensils.
"Please dear... could we not embarrass ourselves in front of the Earthlings?"

The calm and otherwise very intimidating lady who's colder and much more thoughtful than her kin then grabs another slice of pizza with her bare hands and presses it into her already full maw.
"Quit being a stick in the mud or I won't leave a MORSEL FOR YOU!"

"Y-Yes dear..."
Man. You feel really bad for the poor guy.

Queen Pinto, as if she's reading your damn mind, looks up and gives you a squint.
"What'cha lookin' at pup?!
Never saw a Saiyan eat before? Come! Join us!"

>As you wish (Follow suit)
>I'd rather not (Refuse but stay to keep them entertained)
>Sorry but I need to coordinate things. Excuse me (leave)
D-Do you mean to tell me Burgerlanders don't go to theaters or operas?!
>>Sorry but I need to coordinate things. Excuse me (leave)

We gotta get on that whole "not created by the gods and apparently need a guardian" thing.

Plus we gotta start saying no to this chick
>I'd rather not (Refuse but stay to keep them entertained)

Gotta make sure that nobody tries to get in the way of a Saiyan and their food.
Actually, I’ll support this: >>3781684

Still, best make sure that there’s a way for the staff to reach us on speed dial if anything goes awry.
+speed dail
No wat I ment this.
This one clearly wins
Though I have to say, these were some pretty fucky "Support" calls


Also... I take it you guys wanna visit King Kai or someone who can give you advice about getting a Guardian, yes?
yeah, maybe we could learn if earth had a guardian before and why we don't have one now

Sure. Maybe Vados too, if she's not too busy.
Taking a step back, you politely raise your hand.
"No thanks, I'm not hungry at the moment.
But please do go on. I've made plenty more.
Just.... don't bite off anyones hands. Unless your healing pods can regrow them or something."

"My, you're very thoughtful young man! And your food is indeed divine."
The King appraises you.
"We shall enjoy this pleasant little meal!"

With that you take your leave but before actually taking off you turn to the head waiter who looks like he's having flashbacks of a war he's currently experiencing.
"Hey... If you need a hand or something just... shout King Kai, okay?"


"Trust me."

Turning away from him you focus intensely and with a swipe of your hand make a wormhole back to your planet.
Before making your way to Vados, you heat up some of the leftover lasagna you had as a means of appeasing Champa and fly over to his planet.
Finding the lazy cat man basking in the sun you give him the entire tray and tell him to dig in as you turn to Vados.
"Hey Vados... got a minute?"

"Sure, what's on your mind?"

"Can you take me to King Kai real quick?"

"Bothered by what the saiyan queen said?"

"Yes. And stop constantly watching over me.
I don't need a new FBI agent after I finally got rid of the old one."

"Don't be too alarmed by it. I do it to everyone."

"That doesn't make it okay Vados...
So, will you help?"

She then turns to her master and waves him off.
"We'll be right back Lord Champa. Try not to put on any more weight until then!"


"Don't worry Champa! I'll be back with dessert!"

"My man!"

Vados then conjures her pillar of energy with which she wisks you away and transports you directly into the afterlife.
On the way there she gives you a playful little smile.
"Is that the diet ice cream you've been working on?"

You shrug.
"It's not diet, it's just without any extra sugar added or unnecessary calories."

"That's what diet means Eric."

"No, diet tastes like ass and gives you cancer in most cases.
Mine is an experience from flavor town that happens to be healthy!"
As you pop over to the still confusingly small planet, you hear the bugman screaming in surprise.
He then falls over and you have to go help him up.
"I swear to god, you learning of this place is the worst thing that ever happened to me because now you'll start popping up like it's the sacred planet of the kais! I swear the god this audacity of yours is astounding!"

"How did you even get surprised? I thought you're supposed to be omniscient."

"You try spying on Lord Champa and see how well that works out for you!
By the way, hello Lady Vados."

"Still as charming as always North Kai!"

He turns back to you.
"So what the fuck do you want?"

>I need a Guardian asap. Got any leads?
>An explanation... Where do we come from?
>History lesson please. What happened to our guardian?
>An explanation... Where do we come from?
>History lesson please. What happened to our guardian?

Offer to make him some lunch or something if the explanation is going to take a while. If he's OK with us using his kitchen that is.
>I need a Guardian asap. Got any leads?
>History lesson please. What happened to our guardian?
>History lesson please. What happened to our guardian?
>I need a Guardian asap. Got any leads?

As long as we get this no need to find out if humans are result of metaphorical broken condom.
This support.

The where do we come from thing is basicly useless info that Eric probably wants to block out and forget. Better focus on what will help out earth and has no existiential dread if he goes lalala when anything close to orgin story comes.
Blissful ignorance it is

Just lemme make some coffee first
"Well first off, I'd like to know why we don't have a Guardian!
Apparently that's a big deal!"

King Kai then starts snickering to himself uncontrollably.
"And who told you that? There are plenty of races who don't have one.
Like the Tuffles or..."
You give him a disappointed stare.
"Okay, I'll get my book."

Walking inside the guy brings out a book so thick with dust that the layer of dirt is genuinely bigger than the hard cover of the book itself.
With a heavy blow he cleans it and cracks the thing open.
"Wait... so you had the answer all this time?"


"And you didn't bother to check?"

"Why should I?
It's not like I care..."

"Fair point.
So what does it say?"

"It says you never had one."

"Come again?"

"Like I said. Never had one. Must've slipped through the cracks somehow. I don't really care.
They don't do much though, mostly just keep us Kais up to date on important things so we don't have to split our attention a billion ways all the time."

"I thought you're omniscient..."

"I am, your point? I still can't watch everywhere AT ONCE!
I can just watch anywhere I want. Nobody has that kind of power. Not the angels, not Zeno, nobody. The only thing you could call truly omniscient is the Dragon of the Gods... and even he is conditionally so. You can ask him anything and he'll answer it correctly. But only if you ask it."

"Okay... so where does this leave us?"

"Whaddaya mean?"

"If we never got a Guardian then... how do we get one?"

King Kai appears to be greatly lost in thought as he starts humming to himself.
"Well... we'd need a proper seat of power for them but the douchebag that gets the honor can handle that themselves.
So really we just gotta get someone who has the potential of handling the power that comes with the position but also the restraint to never, EVER use it."

"Wait... the position comes with power?"

King Kai nods.
"I'll share a small portion of my divine essence and bestow God Ki on them.
That should allow the person to create some wild stuff on your planet, like the spirit chamber I set up in your condo, see everything happening on the planet at once and other nifty things like telepathy and a permanent connection to me."

"Can they... use their power to actually intervene in our matters?"

"Only if I personally order them to."

"But you don't give enough of a shit."

However if there is some MAJOR thing going on, I might."

"I see... so that's why the queen was so shaken."

"Well. I guess. Usually I only permit divine interference when it's a species of great value in question and something WAY BEYOND their control happens to them.
Outside forces and such... But the Guardian is more of an overseer than anything, not necessarily a fighter."

"Okay... I getcha."

"So here's what we can do.
It can either be someone from your race, which many planets opt for... or someone foreign."
"How does that work?"

He points at your chest.
"You, a representative of your planet, go to someone and say: Hey, be our God.
If they agree then it's okay."

"Hmmmm... do you have any recommendations?"

"Well... even if it's more of an honorary thing than anything else, a Guardian STILL has some impact on your species.
So I'd suggest picking someone with traits you'd find beneficial for your race.
Like someone strong or wise."

>Then I'll pick one from my race. That sounds the most obvious choice
>Can you name a race that's particularly strong?
>Wise? I like the sound of that... What race would you recommend?

>Note: This is important. So make sure you either pick a race or a quality you think would be good
>Wise? I like the sound of that... What race would you recommend?
Humanity needs wisdom more than anything else. Strength will come in due time.
Also if you need any reccomendations for a “wise” race other than namekians, notsom, then my suggestion would be Yardrats. Ugly but talented and kind.
>Wise? I like the sound of that... What race would you recommend?
Oh, could we put Lyn as the Guardian? Half Tuffle, half Earthling, best of both worlds... Though I'm not sure if having a kid as Guardian would be wise but it worked for Goku so it might work for us.
>Do you know of any race that's inclined to practice tough love not the U9 version but the real deal. (Like grumpy tsundere dwarf or somthin) While I would not ususlly go for this I know my speacies we need someon who can deal with our shit.
What the heck this!

It not like I like you humans or anything b-baka. 4chan will eat this shit up.
>Wise? I like the sound of that... What race would you recommend?

What the fuck are you doing.
Dooming us all? But seriously kinda like the image cold had ass on the outside big softie on the inside thing. (Being a chick not needed)
>Wise? I like the sound of that... What race would yourecommend?
>I think a candidate with both would be ideal to be honest, power is most useful when it is directed and focused
>maybe sam?

Now hear me out here nega-som, this is my last shilling attempt for sam, so I'll just explain why I want it

Basically sam is the only other human being other than us with enough power to be considered, he's also more inclined to the mystical arts than any other known human and that seems like an important part of being a God, lastly despite being written as a stoner it's also a fact that sam has studied to be a lawyer, which is a job that instead of screaming OBJECTION every three seconds actually requires an incredible amount of patience, diligence, and the ability to discern the meanings of what those laws are

So basically I want sam because he has all the qualifications, and scince we know that he's a lazy stoner bastard and all other gods are the same he'll fit right into the role
Didn't link

Imma gonna do a quick little update to... further clarify things. Because these aren't... mutually exclusive.
Hold on

By the way, this is me now
Oh no people from miror universes are replacing people! Quick out of the univere! If they can do it so can we!
You stand there, completely still with your hand on your head. You ponder on the possibilities with a distinct humm that begins irritating King Kai rather quickly.
"No need to blow a fuse Einstein..."

"Sorry, I'm just trying to think what would be good for us."

"Well do it elsewhere, 'cause you'll be doing THAT for a while!"

"No, I mean...
It's obvious we need someone not lacking in the wisdom department.
That's not one of our strong suits."

"Understatement of the century Mister Fission-bomb Ourselves Out Of Existence."

"Well.. do you have anything constructive to add to that? Or will you just keep insulting me?"

"Can't stop the latter, can start the first.
There are the Namekians of course, you met them already.
But I know two races off the top of my head that could also help."

"Who are they?"

"One's called the Yardrats. Odd fellows but pure hearted and genuinely caring.
Plus they are more of the thinking type than the Saiyans who just like punching things.
The others you might've heard of. The Metamorans."

"Doesn't ring a-"

"Fusion Dance."


"Anything else?
Y'know, just so you become a bigger pain in my ass?"

"Well uh... how about power?"

"Just pick one from said races that's reasonably powerful.
If you're looking for naturally strong or... rowdy then that's pretty much incompatible with your first point."

"Shoot. Well, having someone wise is definitely preferable to someone who's just swole.
But I got something else."

"Of course you do."

"I think we'd need uh... a bit of tough love actually."
King Kai looks like he WANTS to ask questions about that but doesn't feel like justifying your dumbass point.
"Now hear me out! We... kinda dumb, kinda smart but stubborn as a mule. Also severely autistic.
We need someone capable of putting up with our shit but also ready to kick us in the ass if we misbehave. Like a... stern mommy figure or something.
Doesn't have to be a female. A cool but serious father figure would do the trick."

King Kai is tugging at the neck of his shirt nervously.

Meanwhile Vados gives you a dubious look.
"Eric, I know you like doing it but when blood leaves your head and goes "elsewhere" it can really hamper your critical thinking."

She chuckles, further teasing you.

"A-Actually, I may have one of those as well."

Both of you look at him at the same time.

"They are a bit... eccentric. But can fit the bill.
Though it's not one I can recommend in good faith-"
Clearing his throat King Kai starts going on a tangent and comprehension slowly starts to dawn on Vados' face.
"They are primarily a race of... shall we say, artists? Yes, I think that's the best way to call them.
A very "free" people, or I suppose liberated is a much better word for it.
They derive great pleasure from making, admiring and owning art.
Amongst them you'll find painters, writers, sculptors, musicians and most notably, dancers."

"Sex workers?"

"That too sometimes.
Usually when they get bored with merely flaunting their skin."

"Interesting... And you're saying they are wise?
Most liberal arts students I know are obnoxious faggots."

"These guys aren't. Instead they are a completely different type of insufferable.
Due to their free spirited nature the vast majority of their race consists of nomads who travel much so they can experience many different things to expand their horizons.
They are also reasonably strong, which when combined with everything said up until now creates a tendency for them to become... pirates."

"Let me guess... why make art when you can just steal it?"

"Precisely. Sometime their greed can get the better of them.
But even so, their observant outlook on life means they are generally still quite smart. For better or worse...
They are the Herans."

"Wait... these are the guys the other Kais complain about!"

Unfortunately their pirate activities often outshine their more positive aspects.
But if you want basically a not-retarded, diet Saiyan to give you the "tough love" you seem to crave so much then they are your best bet...
So? Any of this sound useful to you?"

>I think I'll just stick with human after all...
What about someone who is human, wise and strong? Bruce Lee is no longer among the living, but if we could fix that he could be a great fit
Do we have to decide right now?

Unless there's some sort of big celestial benefit to doing so, we should probably visit these people to see how they would handle putting up with Earthling shenanigans. Especially given how this Earth contains the generally shitty and temperamental (yet newly enlightened) human race that we're all familiar with. Not the generally more agreeable and naive humanity in the Dragonball universe.

Perhaps we can visit the Metamorans and Yadrats later on to see how they would handle humanity's temperament.
I mean... you could.
But I thought you guys wanted to get this shit done asap
>I think I'll just stick with human after all...
>a human

>if not sam atleast Bruce Lee as god will complete the meme
Could we not? I just do not want a dead man as our guardian. I know death is a joke in DB but still.
I was thinking we should use to dragon balls to bring him back to life
Not the point. I guess I just do not fell Bruce Lee.
Well anyways, it seems the Herans won
I won't begin writing 'cuz it's about time for me to head home
See y'all in bout an hour
Why heran? Those libtards are gay as fuck.
Cuz' It'll be funny. And because Zangya is hot.
I assume it can be explained with one word: Zangya
Tough love was my idea so its a no brainer.
Nobody even saw the movie she was in. We all know you guys only know her from porn.
Yes, but who cares? Remember Bowsette and the Super Crown shit? Do you think anyone played the Newer SMB Switch or whatever where it came from?
Does Plague count as porn?
Asking for a fren
I can assure you that nintencucks did and they'll defend it until they die
Now thats not true I saw it... Then forgot allmous everything about it to be hornest I dont remember her only one I remember anything about is Bojack.
Aaaaaalright you degenerates! I'm back!
And I see not much has changed.
Guess that cements it, Herran guardian

Well I guess they will have a sky scraper or will she make art gallery to surpas all art galleries? Seeing their base of operations in the future will be interesting to say the least.
Ok, I'm late to one important vote and people start thinking with their dicks. We better pick a good guardian for earth and not a notpornstar meme because I personally want to stop the political bullshit and go back to training (and fucking this up will mean a lot more political bullshit in the future)
Damn not a she. I gues them asuming female with Zangya talk was contagious.
Eh my dick didnt factor in my tought process as I said I only remember one Heran and he is male.
>Tfw we could have had a based Yardrat who would have guided humanity into mastery of spacial techniques and ki sensing
Not like the Herans don't have neat abilities.
There was a duo of them that could send energy back and forth between themselves and create this razor sharp web of barely visible ki.
So they DO have things that others don't
While correct, offense is nowhere near as useful for a developing race as teleportation would be.
Can you imagine the explosive growth from instant transportation of people and goods?
Automobile industry BTFO
You think things through and that last option sounds intriguing.
"And you sure that they fit my criteria?"

Just remember that you asked for it."

It does sound intriguing.
Not to diss on the others but... they sound a bit more like what we need.
Now to find a way to convince one to-"

"Oh... my god! Just go and offer the position to one already!
Tell them, they get a sweet crib, magical powers and an entire planet that worships the dirt they walk upon!
That's more than enough to convince any Heran to do anything!"

You look to your right and ask the one whose opinion you actually care about.
"What do you think?"

"I can't really give you my opinion on the matter."
She peers into her orb for a second.
"But I did locate the world of Hera should you wish to proceed.
It shouldn't take too long. Maybe ten minutes."

"Why the homeworld?
Didn't King Kai say they were nomadic?"

"Yes. But typically once they leave their homeworld the chance of a Herran turning to crime skyrockets.
I recommend getting one that's still "pure" on their homeworld.
And judging by their description, appealing to their vanity sounds like a solid plan.
What do you say Eric? Shall we?"

>Nah. Now that we got it narrowed down it can wait
Lets find a guy.

I just hope we don't pick a Zamasu in the making.


I wonder, would we want someone older and more experienced in some sort of stewardship duty? Or a younger, less experienced person who'd grow into the role?
Well whichever you want
>male or female
>experienced or young and fresh
Or anything else... you better start coming up with it
Cause we gonna travel boys!

Experienced, the only thing that will grow while babysitting planet earth is their hatred for humanity.
This is too complicated. Let’s just steal Hera’s guardian.
a really old guy in search of a new art project

Let's be honest, if it's a girl no one will take her seriously and they'll just start making porn of her like kefla

We need someone who commands respect but that you also aren't afraid to go to when you want some hard candy

Earth needs a grandpa
>Young but incredibly disciplined
+1, let's go for that Alexander the Great combo
>Earth needs a grandpa
It would definitely be interesting to see how an elder of the Heran race conducts himself... Just remember, the whole 'tough love' thing is an occasional exception to the whole "don't actually bring your divine might to bear" thing.

I'll second this: >>3782242

Need someone experienced for this. Age can vary, but an inexperienced and driven dude might result in a Zamasu.
Giving her a nod you prepare to take off once more but before you do, you turn to King Kai and give him a little bow.
"Thank you North Kai!"
In response he just flips you off.

True to her words the journey takes exactly 15 minutes and not a second more. It makes you wonder if she's doing it deliberately or if she's just really good at maths...
But you land on a planet that's all too similar, yet remarkably fresh.
Orange vegetation is teeming on the cyan colored soil and greek architecture dots the landscape, built into the ever-present mountains.

Gravity seems to be similar to that of Earths so you have no problem breathing.
Taking a deep breath you feel a pleasant spice like scent.
"Is something in the air?"

"Yes. The vegetation of the planet is naturally exuding this aroma.
What you're feeling is the pollen which is commonly used in Heran cooking."

"And Champa doesn't like this planet? Or is he not aware of it?"

"The taste is a bit overwhelming for him and his nose is too sensitive.
But he likes Heran wine so he lets them live."

"I see."
Looking around you give the planet a good little scan.
The average powerlevel seems to be way higher than yours, though nowhere near that of the Saiyans.
If you had to guess they were somewhat between them and the Namekians.
"Interesting... I feel several congregations."

"At any given time there are several exhibits, concerts, performances and plays going on at the same time.
And if I'm not mistaken there are even several temples which are holding sermons 24/7."

"I didn't think they'd be the religious type."

"They aren't.
What they worship aren't gods... more like Muses of various kind.
They have Muses not only for different art form but styles as well. Painters for example have two separate ones, one for positive inspiration and one for negative."

"Doom and gloom?"

"Pretty much."

You crack your neck a few times.
"Then let's get cracking!"

But where to look first?

>An art exhibit
>A temple
>A tavern obviously!
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Awww... I was looking for a tsundere tomboy guardian with a mohawk
I mean, literal tough love is cool too, but maybe not go for an actual criminal. Though I haven't read the manga so I have no idea what their deal is. But if we start trying to enlist a waifu, we're going to be faceclaiming Zangya all fucking day.
I didn't mean a literal criminal, I just used the pic for reference.
Not like we even know what race she is anyway
>A temple
>>A temple
We can't always give into our dicks nega-som

Sometimes we gotta think about what others will need in the future

>an academy

I feel like a principal or a teacher who is used to dealing with troublesome little upstarts is ideal for this

Aw shit, I forgot my new name.
Gotta get used to this
Ugh. Now I'm picturing a blue-skinned redhead version of Shiraki from Prison High School...

I'll support this: >>3782297

Academies include a lot of politics by nature, so they can at least appreciate or comprehend what's going on in the world they're going to govern. We also need to find one that's good at talking and also might have a working knowledge of Otherworld, and not have a bad case of head-in-ass syndrome.
I change to support this. And I want the Guardian to be a woman. Think about it, Heran's want worship, and it doesn't get much better than having all of the internet lusting over you. And they WILL respect her, since she'll be several times over more stronger than the entire population of any country.
You could have chosen a human Guardian but instead took the Heran path. BEHOLD, BEHOLD WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN.
Supporting this, try someone mature but not too old, someone that imposes at least a minimum of respect.
When's the last time you jerked off to a woman and were like "damn baby, looking all respectable and shit with them booty shorts and shit, like damn,your all imposing and authoritative and now my pp hard"

Anyway we already had the vote for the gender, but I just had to reply cause I could not comprehend what the fuck you were saying man.
Technically...we didn't.
I just told you to think it through

It looks like you'll be getting an academic.
NOW you can vote for a gender:


I say we let the dice decide.
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The obvious thing that comes to mind would be an academic.
Even the youngest of which should possess above average mental faculties and enough life experience to be considered knowledgeable... Normally anyway.
However, you're quite confident in your ability to detect bullshit due to your uncanny ability called The Common-sense.

"Okay... I think I figured out my approach.
Ready Vados?"

"Oh, I'm not going.
I believe I'd be more trouble than worth.
You don't need the population freaking out over me."

"Eh... I suppose you're right."

"Don't worry. I'll stay here.
I trust you can lock onto me."

"Yeah, yeah. Don't worry.
See you in a couple minutes!"

Sliding down the hill you use every mobility power in your disposal to traverse the landscape as fast as possible.
And with a few bursts of speed and time-skips, you arrive into a larger settlement. And boy does the greek vibe come across much more up close.
However the denizens are an entirely different story. Possessing teal colored skin and orange hair, most likely to blend into their environment, they appear much more "exotic" than the Saiyans. Their eyes are uniformly narrow, mysterious and inviting.

It's readily apparent that this race values beauty a great deal as you don't see a single individual you'd call ugly.
All their women are not only exotic but sensual, and they know how to move and act in a way to amplify that.
Their men follow a very similar trend, but fall in line with what humans consider to be the male ideal. Often tall and muscular but their faces bear few overly masculine feature. The most manly guy you can find still looks like a gay pirate or porn star and not a macho man.
And GOD their women! With no make-up what so ever, clothing which reveals much of their skin and eyes that are seemingly always undressing you-

You scream internally and start patting your cheeks.
Focus Eric, FOCUS! Think with your head, not your other head!

Anyway, their clothing however seems to break away from the greek motif their architecture follows.
They wear outfits that look like an odd combination of arabian mixed with some elements from pirate or gypsy costumes.
It strangely works somehow and with how light it seems to be it further enhances their appearance.

It's like these guys weaponized their looks.
You'd not even be surprised if they breed like the Saiyans do but for the sake of beauty rather than strength.
>Tfw when you missed the vote and waifus won by one

You got that weird "Connection error" thing as well?
I couldn't post for like... a minute or so
I am also peeved, just once I'd like for anons to not think with their dicks

But what's done is done, I just hope that this doesn't become a thing and we're always flustered around our new god or some because that kind of stuff always happens, I just wanted a grandpa
At least Sam will have a girlfriend now
Tfw past few threads had low votercount until now
Lurkers who only vote in moments like this are cancer
Same, I was so hoping for a not-roman tactics bro
Hey, schedule kept getting more fucked and harder to keep track of.
In my case, it doesn't help that I tried to put a filter on Som and I think for some reason it filters Not-Som threads and now I can't take it off.
We could pick someone strong that won't take shit from scum like machist and racist humans, fanatics, corrupt politicians, politicians, anyone on the internet, etc. Not a feminazi or a tyrant, but someone that will gladly teach you how to run a proper civilization and will gladly send you to a healing pod without your jaw if you go full asshole.
But as you, without any subtlety, check them out they inevitably do the same to you.
Unlike most these guys don't mistake you for a Saiyan. Instead they start becoming curious in a rather obvious manner.
They start literally cat calling you with their silky smooth voices, even the men...
In most cases they obviously want to either con you or they are just peddlers attempting to sell something to you.
If you weren't here on a business trip you'd almost be tempted to haggle for some produce but alas...

You try asking them for information but none of them are willing to help you for free... until you find a bellydancer.
She directs you to a nearby academy where one of the less favored artforms is being taught to the Heran youth: Philosophy.

It's an... interesting viewpoint.
To look at philosophy as an art form but it kinda works?
In any case you better not start acting like Diogenese.

Heading towards the place you walk past a few people wearing togas, which seem to be the only piece of greek clothing and their school uniform of all things.
There are a few lectures going on at the moment with auditoriums almost packed to the brim. Enough that you can pick and choose between them.
You give the ones that catch your attention a few minutes of your time but move on once they become way too... full of themselves for your taste.
Eventually however you find someone... interesting.

The first person on this planet you'd consider unattractive from an objective standpoint, due to his advanced age.
His skin shows obvious wrinkles, much like the elderly on your own planet and his bad posture really makes him a sad sight.
But if anything it adds to his value to you, specifically because he seems to be a wizened old man. Unlike the other professors of this institution he doesn't seem to be lecturing these students, instead he's calmly and openly sharing his ideas and encourages the others to form their opinions based on his own knowledge.

However his fascinating lecture on the importance of taking things slowly and enjoying things in moderation, because that's a subject which apparently needs a college course on this planet, ends and the crowd swiftly disperses.
Still hunched forward the old man moves over to his chair and sits down, clearly in pain due to his back as he sighs with relief.
Seeing this opportunity you walk down the stairs clapping slowly.

He looks up and adjusts his glasses.
"Who might you be young man? Uh... please do come closer. My eyes aren't what they used to be.
Oh my goooood what's wrong with your faaaaace?"

>Introduce yourself and have a friendly chat. Take things slowly
>Be formal and business like. Get to the point quickly
>We need a god dawg! You in?
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Don't be sad fren
>>Introduce yourself and have a friendly chat. Take things slowly
>Introduce yourself and have a friendly chat. Take things slowly
>>Introduce yourself and have a friendly chat. Take things slowly
>Introduce yourself and have a friendly chat. Take things slowly
>Introduce yourself and have a friendly chat. Take things slowly

Even if he's not the guy we're looking for he seems like a great adviser for whoever ends up taking the job, after all,all gods need a posse

But I hope it's him
Also I want to deal with this in a estrictly professional and serious way, not the usual spaghetti spilling without a reason (we are in a relationship with two amazonian monkey godesses and own a world in which 60% of the population are hot chicks we are friends with, we have to deal with this as a normal person that wants to seek someone to guide his world forever, STOP THINKING WITH YOUR DICK ANONS).
No write-ins. A'ight

Do Gurdians get to choose an assistant or does a fragment of Mr. Popo's vast and incalculable being manifest at thier side to maintain the pecking order?
Also I adore the fact how TFS managed to corrupt Mr Popo so utterly.
Even in super he's super threatening and now if you search his name in Google you get fucked up images
Lord popo is third in the multiverse, behind zeno and the borgnadeffs

And only because the laws of the multiverse forbid him from ever concentrating his power upon one place, instead all of his fragments are rooming with the guardians of the various worlds, observing and smoking the dankness

For some reason he prefers namekians above all other races, but scince all other races are still beneath popos stool this doesn't really mean much
Rather than making the man stand up, you take a seat on one of the stone steps as you introduce yourself so he doesn't have to strain himself.
"Hello sir.
My name's Eric.
I'm not from around here."

That's good. I thought you were one of them albinos for a second.
So... what can I help you with young man? You'd like to enroll? I'm afraid you missed the mark. But next semester you could join us. Even if you're a foreigner."

"You misunderstand me.
Though I found your speech fascinating, I'm afraid I did not come for your teachings."

"Young man, my teachings are all I got left.
I'm old. Too old. Old enough that I curse each day I open my eyes, for it means I did not die in my sleep.
I passed my prime, now it hurts when I go to the bathroom. The only consolation I got is sharing my life experience with others, so that they may not make the same mistakes as I did."

"That's a noble endeavor.
Depending on the mistakes."

"What do you mean by that?"

You look down at your feet, saddened.
"We all need to make some mistakes.
Otherwise we might never learn."

"So you say there is value in errors?"

"I sure hope so.
Otherwise I'd not be able to sleep at night.
There are still times when I recall the things I did when I was younger and cringe. It'd be much worse if there was no point to it all."

"Heh... I understand that feeling.
Say, got an example?"

"Yeah. I got one...
I once thought ill of someone I deeply care about.
Not because of them, I was just a shitty person. But through reflection I realized I don't want to make the same mistake again.
That I don't want to offend them, even if it's just in my head."

"An... interesting thought to be sure.
One I haven't heard before. Though I'm sure many committed the same thing..."

You continue making small talk with the man, exchanging some vague ideas that you managed to assimilate through osmosis.
But through that you managed to learn how your cultures are so radically different. Yet even the things imposed on him by the history and traditions of his people have been eroded by time, leaving just a wise old man.
And lucky you! He doesn't appear to have dementia either! Score!
Holy shit guys... I just deleted the entire last post and I had a mini heart attack but I managed to recover it somehow
>almost deleted his own post
Wow, you're a true QM now.
But as you continue to discuss things something begins to visibly trouble the old man.
For he thought you came not to debate philosophy with him, like you stated but for something else.
"Pardon me young man..."


"I don't wish to imply that this exchange is not pleasant...
But I thought you wanted something else from me?
I can't help but feel like I'm being toyed with here."

"Ah, sorry.
I just got caught up in the heat of the moment-"

>Get on your knees and beg him
>This is business... Present your offer to him as such
>"Truth is... I was trying to test you"
>>"Truth is... I was trying to test you"
>"I won't lie, your people have something of a reputation among the cosmos. That said, you've pleasantly surprised me. My people need a Guardian, would you be up to the task?"
>I just wanted to see what kind of person you were before I made my offer

>invite him to be the guardian of earth
>tell him about the earthlings and their diversity, shapelessnes, and strive to find themselves day by day (basically the same thing that you told the saiyan queen, although I believe that this is a vote that would be great for a write in)
>"Truth is... I was trying to test you"
"I won't lie, your people have somewhat of a reputation in the universe. That said, you pleasantly surprised me."
You stand up and walk right up to him but crouch down so you don't tower over the poor fellow.
"I was looking for someone with very specific characteristics and you... you seemed a fascinating fellow so I wanted to see just what kind of a man you are."

"What are you getting at?"
He gives you a nervous look as he leans away from you.

"My people... we don't have any identity like you do.
We are formless, shapeless and most worryingly... aimless.
We strive to find ourselves but it's not going smoothly... and we need help."

"Young man I don't mean to undersell myself but I doubt my teachings are what could save a species-"

"Are you aware of the Guardians?"

"I'm... familiar with the term."

"My people don't have one.
So I set out to find someone suitable... someone wise, someone with enough life experience to maybe give us some guidance.
A light, shining in the darkness. A beacon for us to follow."

"You... want to make me your god?!"

"In a sense..."
You lean in a bit closer, seeing how he relaxed just a little.
"Think about it. People worshipping you like a god, praying to you, listening to you!
I don't mean to guilt trip you in any way but... you could really help us! I believe it wholeheartedly!
And in addition to the adoration you'd get much more! Divine authority, a longer lifespan-"

At this point you see the old Herans cheeks swell with air as he erupts.
He slaps his knee as he laughs at you.
"Haven't you paid any attention laddie? I've aged like milk! I already yearn for the sweet release of death!
No way in hell I want to live even longer!"

"W-Well I'm sure you'd feel much better!"

"For what? A couple hundred years? Just so I can suffer for a thousand more?
Hah! Lad... I appreciate your offer, it really humbles me but you're knocking on the wrong door.
My time is up. This is not me admitting defeat. This is me wanting to stop...
I'd rather stay here and spread my teachings for what little I can. Not live for god knows how long and help more...
I know it's selfish of me but... I don't want that burden. And I wouldn't wish it on anyone!"

"I... I see.
Well, thank you for your consideration anyway."
You stand up and extend a hand to him.
"Even if you refuse, it was still a very pleasant conversation. I wish you well.
But now if you'll excuse me I'll have to keep looking."

Turning around on your heel you start making your way up the steps. Feeling a bit defeated but not out of the game yet.
Maybe you'll ask him someone he'd think would be good enough or-"

Suddenly the man cries out to you-
You turn around to look at the elderly alien stroking his faded orange beard.
"I... might be persuaded to take the job."

You raise an eyebrow at that.
"Why the sudden change?"

"I just remembered something.
How does the position work exactly? Since it's voluntary I assume I can quit anytime I want?"

"I... don't know about that. I guess?
But it'd be a pretty dick move to just leave us like that-"

"That's not what I meant...
I'll give you a deal-"

"Look if you want to haggle with me, I just turned off some of the most attractive harlots I've ever seen.
I'm not an easy customer!"

The man points at you with his hands shaking violently.
"I'll take up the mantle. For a while.
But I don't intend on being your Guardian for long."

"Like I said-"

"Let me finish boy!
In that time... I'll make you a new Guardian! How's that sound?"

"You'll... make one?"

"I'll teach my successor and when they are ready, I'll pass the torch.
I already got someone in mind. I'm sure they wouldn't mind the attention... and the power.
And everything else you described."

"Who do you have in mind?"

"My daughter."
He answers sternly.
"Now don't give me that look. She's not a hag. She's not even that old... Yeah, I told you I've been around.
Truth is I never wanted kids. But I... made a mistake in my old age. She got no mommy left. Only me.
And when I'm gone I want to know she's in a good place. That I didn't leave her in the mess of my own making.
So... I'll take your offer. And when I think it's time, I'll resign and let her take over.
You take a deep breath to answer but you get cut off.
"And you can't see her beforehand! That's my only condition!"

>No deal
>But if you kick the bucket before she's ready, I'm personally dragging you kicking and screaming out of the afterlife.

We get him and if she's not up to the task or simply doesn't want it then we can always just let her leave and then we'll have to choose someone else, who knows, maybe by the time she old man retires there might be a couple humans up to the task

I don't see why he's making a big deal about seeing her beforehand, or about her being a hag, seeing as how Eric is positively hideous compared to most of them. Maybe we should have said that looks aren't part of the job too?
Probably because she's either the most beautiful of their species (fucking waifubait we don't need)

Or because like him she's not that impressive (still very pretty by earth standards but these guys are mostly vain pricks so she's probably bullied)
Well... Guess it's a deal then!
However it's getting a bit late so I'm gonna also have to call it quits here.
Tune in... pfffft I don't know. Saturday? Yeah, Saturday sounds good for now

See you guys then!

Thanks for running, Nega-Som!
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Have a cleaner version of Eric's portrait in case you ever feel like commissioning someone for art.
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>Tfw I still hold out hope for Vados becoming an official waifu
Im not convinced that the dream is dead, saiyans are totally okay with polygamy if you choose someone strong! And Vados just plain doesn’t give a shit!

Where my fellow vadosfags at? Other than negasom, we all know that he’s one
I won't lie, if I feel like she was ever looking for romance (and if Kale, Caulifla, and Kelfa were okay with it) I'd throw my vote in for dying in blue muff.
You guys dream your dream with everything you’ve got anons, I’ll happily come along for the ride if it’s in the cards.
Vadosfags assemble
I am displsased to anounced that you have missed your debt payments to S.S SayanGirls so we have to cut the electricity in your club house. We are sorry for the inconveanience.

PS. You have 30 days or the gass goes next.
Sory Nega-Som I meant this >>3783554 fag.
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I love Vadosposting and the shitposting it always devolves to.
It's my second favorite type of posting overall
Fem! Zamasu is Best Girl tho
Fuck it, here's more fuel for the fire
Fine, I'll stick to regular shitposting then
Saiyan girl ASMR if anyone's interested
Just try to imagine it's Caulifla doing it
Female Jiren as a concept doesn’t really do much for me.

Jiren’s whole gimmick is being swole. That’s pretty much it. Muscle girls are great, don’t get me wrong, but they usually have more going for them than that.
Eh... I don't really mind.
I just want a stronk alien gf that let's me lick her abs
But the world is not fair ;_;
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Sorry, but there is only one monkey I get my asmr from https://youtu.be/Dj7K2Bql6D4
Sorry guys but... I'm really not feeling up to it right now.
There's a heat wave, I'm all sweaty from all the housework and just generally can't muster the mental capacity to write.

But if there's some omake you want me to do I might do it since it's a fair bit lighter than a full session.
Anyway, I'll be away for two to three days. This'll be my last double night shift for at least a month.
So soon we'll be returning to a regular schedule
I want Gordon Ramsay or space Gordon Ramsay yelling at us about how much of a waste of molecules we are for serving him slop, until we finally manage to make something up to his standards that he could call adequate


The reason for why the humans of goku's universe are so strange and disappointing is because they aren't "real" humans, they're more of a rushed copy created by the gods in order to cover up their fuck up on earth.

The dinosaurs were supposed to be the dominant species of earth, who through evolution and millions of years would have eventually gained sentience and then join the galaxy for whatever purpose the gods made them for, but when the meteor came and wiped out all the dinosaurs instead of wiping the planet clean and starting over they decided to just forget about it and hope it was eventually destroyed or something

Well instead of being destroyed that planet and the few vestiges of life left on the planet survived, multiplied, diversified, and thrived until somewhere along the line these things that walked on 2 legs suddenly gained sentience and became the new dominant species of earth, and unlike all other sentient races they didn't have a single purpose or reason for being other than...just

Naturally this freaked the gods the fuck out and so they decided to cover up the fact that these creatures just suddenly appeared one day by making copies of them in the twin universe, but they made some mistakes along the way while copying them which is why the other earth has tryclops people and floating baby mimes and midgets with no nose
As we are now, we're far too good a chef for anyone to criticise our cooking.
Even lamb sauce man
Well if it isn't the thing that'll cost Fugimation the Dragon Ball license!

Big think.

But if you think about it U7 Humans got plenty of things over the U6 ones.
For example they got RIDICULOUS tech. And not just the Briefs and Capsule corp.
With people like Gero, Flamp and if you're so inclined, Wheelo the ceiling for their intellect seems nuts.
They managed to invent Time Machines after one of the big 4 universes. That's insane!

While I don't want to veto your theory AT ALL, I don't think that happened. This is just me theorizing on my own.
What I think is that Syncretic evolution with Dinos and other weird shit somehow fucked with the human genome. I'm not saying crossbreeding, just that their environment had an effect on them.
Basically it seems that rather than having a good balance like U6, the U7 'umies seem to have gone for the less... stable route. Their general populace is actually retarded (with people frequently forgetting that Superpowers are a thing or just dumbly staring at Buus Human Extinction Attack without freaking out) while a few select individuals are insanely intelligent.
Neither of those actually contradicts each other

It just means that we humies came first, and then gods panic and make their own humies ,sometime after that we blew ourselves up and we all died.

Remember this, no one knows exactly how long ago our earth was destroyed, just that apparently the gods said it was a long time ago, A GOD said it was a long time ago. So at minimum it's a couple thousand years that the u7 guys have on us to invent and innovate, plus they had the advantage (at least the smart ones did) of knowing that chi and magic and all that fancy stuff existed,they also have a world government whose king is an anthro dog.

So thousands of years that they had while we were all dead +a singular world government +knowledge of all the crazy stuff in the universe =them being retarded but still being way ahead of us in terms of technology and stuff

So what actually happened is that we blew ourselves up in the year 2016 and popped up thousands of years later in 2016,they moved forward in their weird dinosaur and furries infested world and are in the year 6000 or something

So yeah, the theories are both valid
>Yamcha the the unbeatable warior! He trains hard with his lesser 3 eyed freand he even beat that one tough ailien that came along saying he conquer us and stuff (was midly dangerous space criminal on the run) while Goku and Vegita were gone for reasons with his new skills! (What do you mean triclops is catching up in training and he smashed 3 guys and the guy he took down was just the hired help? Whelp... Ego back down glad I didnt end up in a crater again.)
I guess the sacred ointment worked wonders.
I just got chills
U7 counts years in Ages... OG Dragon Ball starts in Age 749.
When did their calendar start? It's never specifically stated what event they consider the starting point.
But they were probably around for far longer... Or perhaps?
Keep in mind that U7 Earth also went through basically an apocalypse they had to rebuild civilization from when King Piccolo declared war on the entire planet and full HAM slaughtering anybody who tried to fight him (and a lot of peopl who didn't).

We don't know what their tech level was like at the time (other than "not high enough to stop him"), really the only thing we do know about that time is that there were a lot more Ki-users, and I recall (though don't quote me on it) that Ki-use was slowly becoming more commonplace. In fact, I think it's implied somewhere in DB that the whole reason normies are unaware that Ki is a thing (and easily dismiis it as superstition and tricks given the slightest excuse despite eyewitness proof) is because the collective trauma of King Piccolo's rampage caused the entire species to basically turn their backs on the art and try to forget that power existed in fear. So yeah, KP did a lot of damage to humanity, and without his rampage U7 earth might've been a force to be reckoned with by the time canon DB rolled around.

Feel free to add on to or poke holes in this.
Don’t mind me, just posting this sin against culinary integrity passing as Saiyan comfort food:
Also Eric should cook that Timpano for the Saiyan delegation sometime.
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Not gonna lie... I was thinking "I'd eat that!"
Then I saw them applying the coating and went "nononononononoNNONONONONONONONON!


>lots of ground spices mixed with baked chicken
>BBQ sauce

Why even fucking bother with the first third of the video then? Wouldn't the BBQ sauce drown everything else out?
"Yamcha! You don't have to do this!
Y-You could always just practice your swings!"

"Sorry Puar! Now that I know there is a way... I can't slack off with a clear conscience!
They left me out of their super secret tournament! I won't be sitting at the bench ever again!
Not when I know I can be a star!"

Puar cried as he watched his friend do more crunches.

He's been at this ever since Master Roshi invited him and Tien to his little island for "training".
When he came back Yamcha wasn't the same. A fire which died out long ago has been reignited within him.
The fiery passion of a warrior.

His fortune finally seemed like turning around when a complete stranger from another universe, who's not even aware of Yamchas existence, bestowed him that which felt like manna from the heavens. Hope.
"I will become relevant again! I WILL make a comeback!
I WILL!!!"

"W-What about your baseball career?"

"Puar... I've been getting by with my martial arts training and NOT because I'm a pro player! And we both know that!
But even if I fall out, at least I'll do it like a man! No more craters! No more old men and mimes! AND NO! FREAKIN'! CHOCOLATE!"

But as he goes from warm-up to actual training, something alerts the scar faced bandit.
Something which never fails to make him cringe with fear after all the bad memories.
The sting of a powerful presence approaching. Fast.
"Oooooh what now?"

"Oh NOOOO! And now of all time!
When Goku and Vegeta are away!"

There it is again...
"Dende dammit! Why does it always have to be those two?
We are here too!"

"But... you know what happened last time! And the time before!
And the-"

"I know! But for crying out loud! I went off against Frieza and his men!
And those guys were far more terrifying! If I can't help beat up some chumps then I deserve to be left out!"
Angrily he charged up his ki and flew out the window of his apartment.
The neighbors stared at him in awe as he soared through the sky.
Ho shit looks like Yamcha’s balls really did drop a second time. It’s a medical miracle. Now I wonder if it will actually matter...
Appearing where the anomalous energy was apparently headed he met a... close acquaintance.

"Oh it's you.
I was wondering what was the strange sense of Déjà vu."

"Oh Ha Ha!
Very funny!"

"I wasn't joking.
It's been so long that I felt your presence that I genuinely forgot it...
What are you doing here?"

"I came to stop these alien bastards!
What are YOU doing here?!"

"Wait... you're serious?"


"Five minutes..."


"Since the day Vegeta came to Earth you couldn't last longer than five minutes in ANY conflict.
You either died or got mortally wounded by fodder. Not even the actual enemy.
You didn't even show up when Frieza came..."

"I DID!"

"Yeah... the first time."


"And if I remember correctly you were in need of a new pair of pants.
Before the fighting began... Well I say fighting, but it was more like butchery."

"Hey! The ONLY reason YOU didn't crap your pants is because you can't poop!"

But I was gonna fight him anyway."

"S-So was I!"

"No... you were gonna die."

"Okay can we actually stop now?
They are coming!"

"Oh shit you're right-"

Both of them looked up as a flying saucer descended on them.
From it a big bunch of people dressed in similar looking, rather plain outfits came out.
They were... pretty lackluster all things considered. Though they didn't carry blasters they were FAR behind the stuff they usually have to deal with.

"Look a' 'at!
A beautiful blue planet in the outer rim! And it's all ours!"

"Look boss! It's a Namekian!
And... some sort of hairless dog."

"Oh that's rich!
This is all the resistance you can put up?
This'll be even easier than I thought!"

"W-Who are these guys?"
Yamcha asked.

"Judging by their garb... space criminals."

"Oy! We got a sharp one ova' 'ere!
Das roight! We are da baddest of the Galactic Max Pen! 'Ere to enjoy our newly earned freedom!
Now... be a good slug and die!"
The criminal then tossed a packet of salt at Piccolos face...
It wasn't even open.

Taking off his weighted clothes Piccolo frowned.
"Hold these Yamcha... I'm feeling quite King Piccolo right now..."
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>The criminal then tossed a packet of salt at Piccolos face...
>It wasn't even open.
Oh. He's scheduling a checkup I see.
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But as the not-so-jolly green giant moved in to hate-fuck these extra terrestrial convicts he encountered a little problem once their leader let out the sharpest whistle he could manage.
Piccolo felt like his eardrums just burst, they were bleeding so profusely.
Stupid git! You think we don't know how to shank one a' ya?
Now... 'Ave at 'im boys! Start whistling while I drill this guy an arsehole!"

Yamcha shouted as he stepped up.
"You better turn around now if you know what's good for you!"

The slugs dog wants a foight?
Okay... I'll start the dang-a-lang with you!"

Swallowing nervously, Yamcha tossed Piccolos weighted clothing aside and charged straight into the thick of things.
But whatever he expected, he wasn't getting it. Say what you will about the way these scum of the universe fight, gutless, cowardly... but it works.
Instead of a 1 on 1 fight Yamcha found himself in a gangbang.

A rather alarming number of superhumanly strong aliens surrounded him and tried everything to make his life miserable.
They started slicing him with improvised blades, took potshots at him and tried to hold him down as much as they could, allowing their boss to hit him freely and as much as he wants.
By the end he got battered rather well.

You're a bleeder I see! And a damn good one!
What's your name so I can piss it on your corpse?"

As the boss raised his hand to finish the job the other goons cleared out of the way and flew behind him.
In response Yamcha spit out some of the blood that welled up in his mouth and smirked.
This was good. Pain... was good. When the ringing in your ear fades, when your pulse can no longer be felt... when the only thing you can feel is the singing white burn of your nerves screaming at you... THAT is the moment when one can achieve profound levels of focus.
Or so he found out after many pain staking attempts.


He assumed his trade marked pose and spoke up.
"Neo Wolf Fang Fist-"
In a calm and somber manner.

"That's da stupidest name I eva'
Why are these convicts British in my head?
'Cause I've been channeling Orks the entire time I wrote them
Not only did the smug alien bastard become space dust, not only did his men turn into a cloud of finely singed atoms... but their ship and the entire crew manning it got gibbed so hard that some of them were wondering in their final picoseconds: "How the fuck did Frieza get here?!"

Exhaling a bit Yamcha relaxed as Piccolo struggled to straighten his posture.
"W-Wow... you okay?"

"Piccolo. Pain and I are close friends by now.
I'll live... after a Senzu."

"I think I can oblige.
Come. I'll hook you up at the Lookout."


"By the way. Where did that come from?
Seemed like the thing Tien's been trying to master-"


Truth be told he's a little better than you actually."


Relax. I'm just messing with you.
But he IS training. If I were you I'd not let up."

"Thanks mate.
I definitely won't!"
Ah, datz 'ow it iz den.
Also wait, are the humans having an easier time with the high-focus ki stuff because they aren't retards who get absurdly strong via shouting?
Well... Let's put it this way.
It's much easier to rein in something when there isn't a fucking oceans worth of it to rein in
I mean, the planet we were just on had higher powerlevels than us. But we could likely bulldoze most of them due to our TECHNIQUE and STANCE. Or that dude that's living rent free in our mind...soul... body... SOMEWHERE...
Buu's a good boy, dindu nuffin'. He's getting his education and working a real job.
You don't know what you expected when you enrolled but it seems that the producers decided to just skip the selection phase and hand picked you for... most likely publicity's sake.
They didn't even ask you if you were qualified as a cook.
Their loss, you suppose.

Since this is the "First episode" of season... six gorillion, you assume, there are a lot of people present. Most of whom will be sorted out and promptly kicked off the show before they could really do anything.
The TV crew approaches you and tell you that if you wish, they'll let you slip through by staging things.
You tell them "no thanks" and just do the challenge all on your own.
It was so trivial you don't even feel the need to pay attention to it.

All you heard is something vague about... processing pig or something.
Only when it's over do you realize you were not meant to do the WHOLE pig but simply cut out the loin... what a fucking waste that'd be.
But anyway, you crunch the thing with relative ease only to get into the first proper cook-off of MasterChef.

You are then presented with the selected ingredient you are supposed to incorporate into your dish... which you never really understood, much like most of this fake ass, staged bullshit.
If this was a somewhat serious cooking competition then asking people to show off their skills by using ingredients they may not even know EXIST would not even be considered.
It adds an unfair element of luck to the whole thing and just shatters all suspensions of disbelief you may have.
Whatever, you're not here to complain about that anyway.
Just to scratch off one thing off your bucketlist you added recently.

And there he is... the Muppet himself.
Badger Den Ramsay. Good.
"Well friends, we brought you something... quite special to start off with!
And after watching the preliminaries, I gotta say I'm quite excited. So without further ado, allow me to present you with the star of the show today! Lobster!"
He then reveals a tank full of live crustaceans as he continues to explain the rules.
"It's quite simple! You can cook anything you please, so long it contains the meat of this wonderful creature!"

Then the other two juries step up, as usual one fat fuck foodie and a pompous bastard, neither of which anyone really cares about.
They probably had to PAY to be here to gain exposure, rather than the other way around.
"Just make sure that the lobster will be the centerpiece of your dish!"

"And if you so much as dare to present a whole lobster to us...
You can hang your coat right now."
Once again, the suits offer you a free pass to get through, they even tell you that if you "behave well" you might even win. Fools.
You blow them off and even see someone passing on a note to the 3 juries. Looks like they were told to chew you out as hard as possible. They want to teach you a lesson?
Well... school IS in session but not for you.

When the timer starts the other contestants rush towards the tank and pick the biggest, nicest looking ones then rush back to their places.
You meanwhile patiently wait and watch the clock... it's obviously not accurate. This is getting more and more disappointing by the second.
Slowly walking up to the lobsters, you pick the last little guy who appears to be quite scrawny. Probably a birth defect. Or he was living in sub par conditions.

Patiently walking back you get to work as the chef and the two critics make their way through the rows, offering advice to the others.
And while they are busy boiling, processing and coming up with recipes to use the little buggers in, you simply stand there and after submerging the little feller in a pot full of water begin pampering him.
Carefully cleaning him off and rubbing him, you make sure his last moments on this planet are spent in relative happiness.

This catches the interest of Chef Big Dong himself and he approaches you curiously.
"You uh... you're not lookin' too busy there mate.
Got any ideas as to what you're cookin' because right now it looks like you're just muckin' about."

"Oh I have a plan.
I got the entire plate figure out already, down to its composition."

"Well... I suggest you start workin' on it quick.
Because at this rate you'll just end up lookin' like a bleedin' muppet!"

"Trust me.
I'll exceed all your expectations."

"That ain't gonna be hard, 'cause I expect nothin' right now."
And with that he walks away.

When the final 10 "minutes" arrive the other contestants either begin decorating their plates or start hurrying like madmen so they could present something to the judges.
You on the other hand simply get started.

Taking your new little friend out, you say goodbye to him and gently tap his forehead with your index finger.
A miniature flash fist crush shoots out, which doesn't necessarily "kill" him but it obliterates his nervous system, making him braindead.
Putting him in a large pot of boiling water, you start working your literal magic as you call on the powers of ancient, unimaginable evil to speed up the cooking process.
Buu relishes the opportunity to cause some "mayhem" and you get to turn the pot into a "Fast cooker".

Taking the crustacean out with your bare hands, you start moving like a blur.
Scooping out every iota of meat, you mix about three quarters of it with some eggs, bread, lemon, rocket and liberal amounts of seasoning combined with life energy. These tasty little meat patties go on the frying pan with liberal amounts of butter.
While they are doing their thing, you prepare the side: A baked potato filled with creamy lobster and mushroom sauce, topped with grated cheese and powdered lobster meat.

All put onto the plate with little care for presentation or portions.
This is not an art piece, it's meant to be eaten. And you'd rather chop off your own arm than throw out the majority of the food just so you could serve pretentious bite sized snacks instead of a full meal...

The show actually has to be stopped as the entire crew and the other contestants found themselves transfixed as the man they were cautiously looking at this entire time turned into a blue and within five minutes fully prepared a dish from scratch.
Once they managed to recover from their shock however things get back on track.

As expected they order everyone else before you to present their creations, leaving you for last.
Reactions were mixed, as they should be for the production of the show, making it all feel artificial and forced.
But then you get called out.

You present them your dish and when they ask you what it is, you simply tell them to find it out for themselves.
Other than Gordon, who seems mildly amused by this the judges scoff at your remark but each take a bite.
Immediately you can just tell that they are forming the most clever insults they can come up with when suddenly, all three of them start making faces like they just creamed their pants.
Reeling back from the shock, they first don't find any words that could adequately describe what they are feeling. Then they start practically fighting each other over the remaining food, dropping all pretence of superiority.
It was mildly amusing watching a British guy elbow a fat bastard and a snobby food critic so hard they nearly fall on their ass but things need to get back on track for the sake of the show.
So Gordon claps his hands together before spreading them in a "What the fuck" kind of manner.
"Well... what can I say?
I've been known to exaggerate or use sarcasm a lot so this might not feel genuine.
But I'm completely, 100% serious when I say, I just jizzed in my pants! A+ work! I... don't know what else to say! You didn't just basically win the entire competition with 1, ONE dish! But you just made everything I've ever created look bad!"

The snobby guy then steps up and you see him preparing to still mock you but... he actually breaks down in tears.
"I can't... I can't insult this! *sniff*
How could I? It's perfect!"

Then the third guy chimes in.
"Then we're agreed! Now all that's left is... who's gonna get him?"


"Actually... None of you are.
I didn't come to participate. Just to show off.
Thanks for the opportunity. Just uh... bring back someone from the preliminaries you thought was good but couldn't accept because you were full or something."
You bow a little, turn around on your heel and head for the exit.
Then... you look down at the apron they gave you.
"But I'm keeping this!"
And uh... that's it I guess.
See you guys in two days when I can actually run again
Looking forward to it!
Cool, take care of yourself.
Rolled 2 (1d2)

Letting Jesus take the wheel for me, because I'm an indecisive cunt


"You got a deal!"
Smiling you extend your hand to the old man who looks at it weirdly.
After explaining that it's an Earthling greeting he understands and shows you how his people do it.
Extending his hand, he spreads his fingers apart, as if he's asking for a high five.
Turns out they touch their fingertips together as a handshake. Weird.

After the pact is sealed the elderly Heran starts stroking his beard.
"Excellent. Then we are agreed. Just allow me a moment to... compose a letter to my students and colleagues."

"Knock yourself out.
I'll wait."
After about five minutes the man is done and he asks you to follow him.
"That was fast..."

"I don't like to mince words.
Better to tell what you want straight away."

"Like ripping off a band-aid, I see."

In any case, I must go home and pack my things and to... inform my daughter."

"Sure, I'll come with-"

"There's really no need to-"

"Do you know where to find me?"


"Well there we have it.
Don't worry. I'll wait outside."

Afterwards the two of you dredged through the busy streets where you received less odd looks and more greetings aimed at the elderly professor.
When you arrived you were surprised to find a relatively nice looking but not at all gaudy home. You expected it to be either a palace, like most other buildings on this planet, or a slum due to a teachers pay being universally bad.
"Wait here. I'll have to break the news to her."

"You sure this is gonna be alright?
One would think moving to another planet is a pretty big deal..."

He let's out what sounds like a gruff chuckle.
"Worry not. It's alright."

"If you say so."

The man heads in and you find yourself leaning against the wall of his house, with worried neighbors shooting you nervous glances.
Now you really regret not smoking, because then you'd have something to do at least.
Strangely though, you don't hear any shouting or screaming coming from inside.
Maybe she's not even here but off-world somewhere?

>Take a peek
>Leave it be
>leave it be

We're not a stereotypical black mama, we ain't no gossip girl or anything like that
>Leave it be
So what amounts to birth condition or rare complexion. She and dady wil be jumping out of the pan in to fire as she probably will be moust popular thig of 4chan if they find out.

>Leave it bee
>Leave it be

Well we are not peeking so we wont know.
Nega-Som, more like Nigger-Som.
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At first I wanted to add an extra, extra layer of obfuscation by naming the other option Yuri instead of Juri.
But I knew this'd be enough

Watch it be roll for names or somthing. In witch case oh boy prepere for internet buli. (And creeping)
Fighting off your curiosity you decide to remain put and just wait for them to come out.
Which they do, but once they start making their way to the door you start hearing faint murmurs coming from inside.
When the door opens, you are both surprised yet strangely content as it's nothing less than what you expected.

The man stands in front of you with a backpack that would be considered MASSIVE by human standards, easily five times the size of the average person, yet this fucker is just casually carrying it.
It's clear that despite his advanced age he's still far superior to your kind.
But it's the figure behind him that's more interesting.

Perfectly covered in what you assume to be either bedsheets or some sort of rug stands the aforementioned girl.
Even her eyes are hard to make out over what... appear to be glasses or some similar device.
She doesn't really seem to look at you, instead preferring to focus on the ground in front of her.

"Okay. That should be everything."

"Erm... what will be with your house?"

"I'm sure someone will claim it.
Either the government or an impoverished soul.
I'm not attached to it either way. Bad memories and all..."

"I see.
Also... Hi."
No answer.

"Say hello to our friend dear."

You get a single word, faint as a whisper.
Your mind immediately starts racing at the possibilities and implications but you decide to ignore them.

"Okay. Our ride is a bit far away so if that pack is heavy let me know."

"No. It's fine.
Just lead the way and I'll handle the rest."
Juri is a name long shot tho.
Walking back through where you came initially and heading where you left Vados much of the same happened. Which is weird.
Most, if not all people, greet the old teacher loudly and immediately while at the same time, they treat you as a curiosity at best and air at worst. The girl however, the completely ignore.
Up until now you didn't really wonder or care about what her deal is but now it starts bothering you a bit.
But a deal is a deal, so you won't be inquiring about her anytime soon.

Leaving civilization you take to the skies and head for the mountain in question with the two herans behind you.
Arriving on the spot you wait for a moment before Vados makes her presence known and your two attachés settle down.
"Welcome back Eric."

In that moment, when the professor and his daughter look up they start freaking the fuck out.

"Oh... This is Vados.
She'll be taking us to my home.
I take it you know her."

She chukles at this.
"That's a bit much Eric. It's more like they know OF me."

"Don't you start acting like a grammar nazi on me!"

"H-How do you know the Angel?"

"She's my teacher. Didn't want to freak you out with that detail.
Oh and ps. I work for the God of Destruction. I'm his personal chef."

Looks like they... may need a couple hours to digest that.
Good thing too because you have a bit of a long journey ahead of yourself and then much more stuff to do.
Speaking of which, you turn to Vados.

"I got what I came here for. He'll be our guardian."

"I see.
In that case, tell them to "hop on" as it were.
Where would you like me to take them?"

>Somewhere nice
>Somewhere secluded
>Somewhere public
>Somewhere nice
>I think one of the Lily fields in europe should do.
>Somewhere nice
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Ignore that I meant Tulip. As for reasion why they are artistic people or so we have been told.
Just to clarify, this option will decide where the new "Kamis" lookout will be
Eh next to Tulip field is fine certanly I wish my house was next to one. You have no idea how mutch I wished to go to one of those fields while I was erning my landscaper diploma. (Now that I actuly know how big a pain it is to maintain a park my respect goes up.)
In MURRICA obviously

We are the center of the universe after all
Switzerland is the obvious choice due to its neutrality
No we really arent I hate that opinion even as a joke.

>Somewhere nice
>I think one of the Tulip fields in europe should do.
So a tulip field...
How poignant

Dont like tulips that mutch huh. Did you mean poignant in smell (Most tulips dont smell like mutch really. Theres only couple of bredes that has strong sweet smell) or that it is regretfull?
I meant that as in "how apt for god to reside in a heaven like field of multi colored flowers"
"Somewhere in rural Europe would be nice.
I know that in places like the Netherlands there are vast fields of tulips.
Something like that."

Peering into her orb for a moment Vados confirms what she heard and easily wisks the three of you away.
As you're flying through the cosmos at remarkable speeds your two passengers are freaking the fuck out at the revelation that you are affiliated with the gods.
"Don't look at me like that.
I did ask you to become our god didn't I?
What did you think I was? Some nobody?"

"BOY! Do you have ANY idea about the difference between "someone important" and "SOMEONE AFFILIATED WITH THE GOD OF DESTRUCTION"?!"



"I got no reference.
The first important person I got to know was Champa."


That got a chuckle out of you.
"Relax, soon you'll be my god anyway."

"What's he saying dad?"

"N-Nothing dear.
I'll explain everything to you once we get to our new home."

Landing in a field like the one you described, a vast field of tulips spreads out before you as far as the eye can see.
Two hushed gasps can be heard coming from behind you as the Herans realize what they are looking at.
Waiting for them to come to their senses you turn to Vados and she has this to say.
"Here we are. The Netherlands."

"Thank you...
Now, onto business."
Looking up at the sky you begin shouting.
"Hey King Kai!"

"I can hear you!
No need for yelling!"

I got the candidates like you asked."

"A'ight. Lemme see.

The man looks around in confusion.
"Wha- Who said that?!"

"It's me. The Kai of the North. And I take it I'll be your boss from now on."

He falls to his knees and prostrates himself.
"Oh mighty God! I, your humble servant-"

"Okay, Imma need you to stop right now.
There's no need for any of this. Stand up."

"A-Ah, yes sir..."
"Okay, that's better. Now, let's do this.
Have you come here of your own free will?"

"Y-Yes my lord!"

"And do you agree, to oversee these primitive, savage, hairless apes known as humans as their guardian?"

"Yes my lord!"

We're not that bad!"

"Shut up! This does not concern you!
And if you interrupt me again I'm dropping you from this call!"

"But why am I in it in the first place?"

"I need a witness. Now be silent!
Do you agree to fulfill your duty not just to this planet but to me personally?
And do you accept the responsibility that comes with it?"


"Then henceforth you shall be known as Kami.
God of Earth. Congratulations. There is no pay, no days off and you're here forever.
I'll send in an assistant soon who'll walk you over the finer points of the contract.
Oh and one more thing! You might start hearing voices soon. Those are prayers. You'll figure out pretty easily how to tune them out and you don't have to answer any of them.
But I'm contractually obliged to tell you that they are there... Anyway, have fun and don't hesitate to press the nuke button if you see it fit."

And just like that King Kai disconnected.
Ah... whatever. I'll just hop over and annoy the fuck out of him later."
You then turn to the Herans and look address them.
"So... Kami, huh? Are you okay with that or... what should I call you?"

"Errr, I'm still pretty new to this. So my name will be fine.
Please, call me Jih. And I guess it's about time I introduced my daughter Doku."
Your new god then surveys the area around him and takes a deep breath.
"But this place truly is breathtaking. Smells nice too.
So... Where can we stay?"

"Er... I thought you could just magic that yourself!"

"Huh... I guess I could.
I really need to get used to this."
Jih looks weirdly at his palms and tries to come to terms with what he is now.
"A seat of god, huh? I don't know much about your people so I might need some advice on that.
How should I handle it? I mean... would your people be okay with just... visiting god?"

>Yeah. Make it public
>No. Make that shit inaccessible!
>I guess you could... test them to see if they are worthy?
>I guess you could... test them to see if they are worthy?
>I guess you could... test them to see if they are worthy?

With the 24/7 news cycle and social media shit being a great way to ruin your life or get your life ruined by someone, I'm quite paralyzed as to what might be the right call here.

There is no denying that there is a Hell and a Heaven and many many layers of celestial yet mundane bureaucracy in between. Perhaps a low-key and gradual introduction might be in order so people know that he's less of God and more of *a* god that's a part of said celestial bureaucracy so they don't try to publicize him so much.

There might be a big burst of interest initially but if done right it should fade from the public consciousness pretty quickly, much like an article announcing the opening of a new DMV. In time, people who are naturally curious will try to flock to him to try and see what he's all about. Maybe Jih and his daughter would find sincere helpers to keep them in tune with the happenings of the mortal world in this way, or potential people who could help out the Earth in a crisis where the Saiyans or Eric or his buddies might not be able to intervene in time.

I might also be overthinking this a lot.
>I guess you could... test them to see if they are worthy?

Like there are probably only a million people who are actually worthy of interacting and bothering god

And remember, a million out of billions is definitely not a big number, probably no more than five per country are capable
>Eh depends we had an Frostdemon trying to take over so some missgivings there... I supose some obscurity would be nice you come to them not us coming to you. Granted you might wana visit the submit and intraduce yourself to leaders and Sayans on first contact delegation you know you will have better chance to make first impresions and do explanations in a long time to come.
*Will not have*
I'm starting to think more and more that we made a huge mistake by not having the U.N or the saiyans help guide us through this decision that will affect the entirety of the planet and our growth into getting set up for the universal playground

That sounds like an extremely human thing to do.

I guess we're doing just fine, then!

But in all seriousness, I think we're underestimating how well versed Eric is in picking a Guardian for the Earth and over-estimating how much help the UN or Saiyans would be. Eric has direct lines to the highest positions in all of the celestial bureaucracy, both "globally" and "locally" in the form of Vados and King Kai respectively.

Asking any political faction for help would make it a long and drawn out and painful process fraught with countless parties lobbying for their own benefit. Asking the Saiyans would be more helpful, but they're very different from the humans of Earth. Their guardian could give us some helpful advice, and we should absolutely have Jih talk to other guardians to see how things work, but a guardian that works for Saiyans would probably not work for Earth.
Well it's a trial then.
And since you chose to pick a leader specced in wisdom it won't be like Kamis where you have to climb a pole

But what if our God/dess wants to see how well Humanity can work the shaft?
If he does that he'll get sued by Super Kami Guru.
"That's uh... That's a tricky question.
I mean my people kinda know what's going on with the afterlife... still, letting them know that God lives might not be such a great idea.
Well, they should know but they shouldn't be able to meet you directly. I guess... the best would be to filter who gets to visit and who doesn't.
First there will be a big upsurge of visitors, no doubt about that. But after a while interest will inevitably die down.
And maybe then you can be a bit more open about things."

He starts stroking his beard.
"I see... Well maybe a small trial would be a good idea...
Hmmmm... But how to get everyones attention."
Suddenly he seems to get an idea.
"I know!"

By snapping his finger he manages to create some sort of strange light which spreads around in an almost door like shape.
Once it disperses it turns out it was indeed a big, double sided, ornate door with an arch on top.
You look at it curiously then turn around to its back and scratch your head in confusion.
"Uh... you kinda forgot about the rest buddy."

"Not quite.

Walking to the large rings that serve as handles, he pulls the heavy looking iron door open which reveals some sort of mallet space within.
Inside you see some sort of a basin with a glass next to it. Upon closer examination there seems to be some faint energy to the receptacle but nothing too interesting.
The bowl holding the water however is CLEARLY some sort of magical bullshit.
Giving it a sniff you can smell something... not quite rotten but definitely foul.
"Ew... what's this?"

"A self cleaning glass-"

"You know what I mean!
Is this drugged?"

"It does give you visions...."

"So it's drugged.
Great. What's the plan here?"

"Well back on my home planet we viewed life in steps...
Ever since ancient times my people wanted to experience as much of the worlds beauties as possible.
So... we picked one art form and took in as much of it as we could stomach before moving onto the next one. These are the steps. An... old idea sure, but one I'm fond of."
He takes the glass from your hand and pours you a drink.
"I thought it'd be... interesting to turn that into a test. Each drink offers you a different experience, at the end of which a question must be answered. There are ten in total and if you pass each step you get an audience."
He hands you the glass.
"Interested in trying it?"

Curious you take the cup from him and give the strange smelling water a sip...
That one little sample of the stuff was enough to make you experience some very explicit things.
Distant memories of bygone ages... a time when you were much younger. During your childhood, when you knew and understood much less, in your time of innocence when you experienced pure happiness.
It was winter, Christmas Eve to be precise.

Not once did snow fall that year, only rain.
Yet on that most magical of days fate smiled on you and blessed your household with fresh, pure snow.
The entire family went out and you spent a grand old time playing in the snow. Even your parents joined in surprisingly.
But as you get lost in that moment you are yanked back into the present and as a tear rolls down your cheeks you hear a heavily distorted voice ask you something.

"Did you deserve this?"


"Did you deserve... that moment?"

"Of course!
Everyone deserves to be happy!"

Upon saying that the other door in the room magically opened on its own, revealing a similarly designed room.
Jih then steps up to you and pats you on the shoulder.
"Nice one.
I wanted it to have a fair bit of leeway. I hope it worked out okay.
But as you can imagine things get tougher with each one."

"Do... Do they all invoke memories?"

"Hmmmm no.
Not everyone had the luxury or... misfortune to experience every facet of life.
In that case one would be fabricated. But the purpose of the tests is not to test academic knowledge or if they think right or wrong.
I just hope to see how pure the one attempting to gain entry is."

Putting down the glass you return your gaze to him.
"Well for your sake I hope there is a lie detector built in."

"There is."

Because you'll need one."

"So. What do you think?"

>I like it
>I got a few improvements in mind (write-in)
>I like it
>I like it. Its tough testing your core but its also fair everyone undergo the same trails.
Where did everyone go? I swer there were more people.
>>I like it

>I like it
>I got a few improvements in mind (write-in)

The test itself is fine, but the door itself should have some kind of filter, like it can't really be opened by normal means, instead it should open up only when a requirement is met, not strength but like the door opening to those who believe that it will open, regardless of whatever the way they try to open it is

Like if a guy goes up to it and truly believes that shouting open sesame will work then it will open

And likewise another guy who is skeptical and tries to do the same thing it won't open

But if that same guy comes back and tries to open it some other way like writing some bogus symbols on the door it opens then because he truly believes that it will, that might be a good idea

Basically a way to filter out those who are mentally weak or doubtful that they deserve to take the test

Also since there isn't really a way to open it up besides believing it will, then that means that the answer to opening the door will never be revealed and everyone will just have to come and try anything that sometimes works and sometimes doesn't, they'll think it's like a mystery door or something
10 vision trails are enought of a filter I feel. Somthing as unstable as beliving it will open... seems unecesary and hornestly just a dick move to anyone who theoreticaly might not have been that confident at the start but gain some stones as he compleats the trails. (To some while not compleating all 10 trails will gain a good lessons all the same and maybe somthing to reflect on with the failed one.)
You're probably right, I need sleep
Go get sleep anon.
No point in depriving you of it. I'll have to call it quits soon as well.
Got to work tomorrow... HOWEVER! It'll be a dayshift. Meaning I'll continue tomorrow

You think about adding some extra security to the main entrance... like making it so it only opens if the person truly believes it will open but it seems a bit counter intuitive.
After all, who's to say someone who's skeptic about the "magic door" couldn't pass the tests?
So you'd rather not defeat the point of the trials.

"I think it's good.
Definitely something I could imagine for a god."

"I'm glad we're in agreement.
So... What do you really think?"

"About what?"

"This... whole thing.
Will people flock here?
Will they even care?"

"About a mysterious door in the middle of nowhere leading to a magical place?
Definitely... for a while. Then people will slowly accept it as "a thing" so it'll retreat to the back of their mind and they won't care about it all that much."
Something however hits you as you say that out loud...
"But uh... You might wanna add some extra security to the whole process."

"What do you mean?"

"Just make sure people can't lie about what they experience in here.
Especially when it comes to meeting you."


"You DON'T want to know how many assholes used religion for their own benefit.
I'm sure there will be plenty of assholes who'll declare themselves your prophet or something the second they hear God lives here..."

"Hmmmm... I'll think about it.
I'm sure I can come up with some... appropriate punishment for such transgressions."
He then walks up to the next door and touches it. You feel things shift behind it...
"Thanks for the feedback... Care to examine how things are inside?"

>Sure, why not?
>Later. I got things to get back to
>>Sure, why not?
>Sure, why not?
>Later. I got things to get back to
>Think about droping by the conference or the tournament.

Going to sleep.
>sure, why not

The saiyans are fed and probably in a food coma, the Colosseum is finish and king kai will tell you when you gotta go get the ghosts

You'll probably need to tell the president about this whole god thing but that can wait a week

And I'm gonna call it quits after this
You nod.
"Yeah, sure. I might as well familiarize myself with the place."

"Wait... surely you don't mean to intrude on the domain of a god!"
He says in a half mocking tone.

"Don't take it personally. I do it to gods higher than you in rank.
And it's not like you can stop me."

"He's right you know!"
Vados confirms your statement.

"Very well then!
I shall tolerate your sacrilege.
Come then! I tried to make it as worthy of a god as possible but... it's a work in progress.
And I could use some tips."

"Oh... like what to put in?
Do you have electricity in there?"

"Of course.
What do you think we are? Savages?"

"Cool. Do you have wifi as well?"


"Pffft... savages."

But as you're having a tongue-in-cheek conversation with the new guardian, you notice his daughter shuffling closer to him, apparently muttering something in his ear.
"Don't be rude. They are our guests...
Okay, okay. I know. Don't worry."
She still makes you feel uneasy.
"Come on in! Let us explore this new place together!"
Looks like tomorrow we'll hang out a little bit with Kami and his daughter, as well as check out the "lookout" which is in an impossible space.
Though it's quite... barren,? Featureless? Shall we say? No Hypersonic Liontamer shenanigans (yet)

See you guys tomorrow!
cya Nega-Som!
>tfw you just realized your entire area is still probably rangebanned on mobile data
>I probably won't be able to post from work during the run
Skipping the rest of the trials through the good grace of God, you go into the temple proper where the Heran greek architecture welcomes you and its new master.
The white marble glistens as it contrasts the field of multi colored tulips.
"I thought we're in some sort of pocket space..."

"We are but we aren't.
We're still in the fields but we're inaccessible to all but those who walk the steps.
It's pretty useful if you ask me."

"Well... Not gonna complain much about that.
I'm just a little shocked just how quickly you adjusted to your new erm... position.
Speaking of which, how does it feel? Being a god and all?"

Before answering Jih tells his daughter that she can head inside and where she'll find her new room.
"It's... weird.
I don't know how to describe it other than, natural.
The second I felt that speck of divine essence enter me, it felt like it was just a part of me I never knew I had.
Using it felt as easy as breathing... Truth be told it scared me as well how easily I could use it."


"Why? Interested?"

The more I see of the divine hierarchy the less comfortable I feel about all the bureaucracy.
All those rules, all those regulations... And there always seems to be a bigger fish lying around.
Are you god? Well good job, you answer to a higher god, who in turn answers to a higher one, and so on and so forth...
It's so tiresome."

"Well, can't argue that."
He then walks to the very edge of the white, marble floor until he's an inch away from the flowers.
"But it has its benefits."
Using his power Jih conjured a staff and leaned on it for support.

"Such as?"

He glared off into the distance before closing his eyes.
"It grants me clarity... not just about my position in all things but about you... your planet. Everything in it."
He takes a deep breath as he starts focusing more intently.
"I see a great many things. Life as varied as the colors of these flowers, people of different shapes and sizes.... old wounds that still ache and ones that haven't healed yet..."

"Yeah we... we're working on it."

But to think you managed to get this far without a Guardian.
Most interesting."

>What will you do now?
>Do you regret signing up your daughter for this?
>What else can you see?
Don't be sad fren
Thread won't move anywhere. You can still read it.
No need to throw your neetbucks away
>What will you do now?
>Do you regret signing up your daughter for this?

Lets be a nosy bastard.
>Do you regret signing up your daughter for this?
>What will you do now?
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All that rage and couldnt even break the tie.
Turning your head you look out at the field of flowers but find your vision being violently torn away as your sight flies over most of the word at ludicrous speeds.
The sensation is so strong you tear away your eyes immediately and start rubbing them clean.
This shit is trippy.

"So uh... What will you do now?"

"Not sure... I'll probably try to observe and learn your culture for the next couple years.
While I also try to... figure out what I'm really supposed to do with this new position."

"I thought you can't do anything."

"Yeah. Yeah... But I wanna see how far I can push my luck."
"Once I figured things out I'll pass on what I learned to Doku.
Then... I think I can safely pass away without worries... Finally."

"Do you... regret signing her up for this?
I mean it's a pretty big commitment. A lifelong one."

"I'm aware.
She uh... she didn't refuse. She just blindly nodded and agreed."
"I mean... she'll probably like this job more than I do.
Not having much to do will suit her fine."

"I... don't follow?"
You lie through your teeth.
You kinda do get what he means but you need to confirm your suspicion.

"You know, I really shouldn't say more.
I don't want to bother you with the details."

Damn. He might be catching on.
"Well I'll let you return to your erm... musings.
I got something to talk about with Vados."


Walking over to your angelic friend you immediately pull her away so the pesky god you managed to get into the position doesn't hear you.
"Hey Vados... If I told you a man refused the position of God... but would happily pass it on to their child, what would you think?"

She blinks a few times.
"Is this hypothetical or...
In any case, I'd say they are mad or really dislike their child."

"The thing is, I'm not feeling either coming from him."

"So... he just accepted the position to pass it on to her daughter?"

"Yea, that was his one condition.
And I accepted."


"Tell me about it.
But it seems he doesn't think too highly of the job, yet he'd gladly hand it over to his daughter.
Something's bothering me."

"Why not just ask him about it?"

"He's stubborn..."

"Well that leaves just one option then-"

>Time for some snooping
>Better leave them to it

>Time for some snooping

I'd love to just leave them be, but this concerns humanity big time so it's best to know what we fucked up
>Time for some snooping
>Sigh curiosity kiled the cat but... I know this will just keep on bothering me if I dont.
>Time for some snooping
>Time for some snooping
Soo.... do they have acess to god web and thus godtube?
I didn't even think of that!

Before my boss dumps another stack of paperwork on my ass
No better way to lose respect than see your bosses do bunch of stupid shit for internet fame.
Oh and before I forget.
Roll for sneeki breeki
And since you're quite good at it AND the dude is busy doing something else this'll be generous

Best of 4
DC: 6 Crit:17
Rolled 7 (1d21)

Rolled 12 (1d21)

Rolled 5 (1d21)

Well atleast we have a guaranteed pass on basic DC.
Rolled 7 (1d21)

Well, you pass.
But you failed the crit for good reason.
Anyway... Is it normal that I accidentally boiled the fuck out of the water I used to make coffee and now I hear the whispers of the dead coming from it?
Rolled 12 (1d21)

Blame Work
Now we need the next person to roll 5 and we have full set of doubles.
"Curiosity killed the cat...
But I know if I leave this be I won't be able to sleep at night."


"Er... he seems pretty occupied but if he stops I'm counting on you to small talk him!"


"Bye Vados!
I'm counting on you!"

Turning around you use your time-skip to get out of sight in extra style!
Meanwhile the blue lady just puffs her cheeks and starts pouting.
"The things I do for you..."

Snooping around the literal home of god, you attempt to locate the place where the girl disappeared.
Which is actually trickier than it sounds. Either she learned to hide her presence very well, or quite possibly she's too weak to HAVE a presence in the first place.
Well... Guess it's back to the basics then.

One by one you check the various rooms of the place.
You find the bathroom, the toilet, the kitche-ooooh nice! And then move onto the various smaller rooms that don't appear to serve any purpose yet.
Going through them one at a time, you finally find one which might have what you're looking for.
Because there is a curtain on the window... A really thick one at that.

Either it was her first thing to put it up or her dad put it there for her...
Which one it is really doesn't matter when compared to "Why" it's there...
Skin condition maybe? Photoallergy? Do they even have that on other planets?
Truth be told... you've come this far... and now your curiosity is compelling you to go further.
Maybe if you stopped time for just a bit. Surely that won't be bad. If light stops, it won't do anything bad.

So you take a deep breath, concentrate and prepare yourself for the procedure.

You need to be swift and precise.
Lifting the veil, you peer into the room. It's dark... very dark. With only some dim lightsource illuminating the place.
She must've plugged every fucking hole through which sunshine can sneak in.
Your eyes are naturally drawn to the light, like a moth to a flame.
But a word, no, a shout escaped your mouth when you saw "it"... A laptop.

Holy shit bros... I might actually be retarded.
Once again I delet'd the entire script... Only through some next level wizardry could I bring it back
So you advanced to High Mage?
Sorry, I was busy with work up until now.
Hopefully I can get back to writing now
The scene is so shocking it takes you back long enough for your time-stop to start fading.
But you just can't look away! There she is, curled up in a small chair, in pitch blackness, surrounded by a mess she made in minutes but looks like it took her years, staring at the screen of what must be a personal computer... playing video games.
She's a fucking NEET!

And she has the stereotypical look to boot!
The lens of her glasses are overly large and round, her hair is long, straight, orange and most likely greasy, she still has the teal skin of her race but she's skinny to the point of looking lanky.
Her outfit, if you dare to call it as such, consists of a sleeveless shirt and short shorts.
You don't know whether to gasp in abject horror or wheeze in laughter!
This is too good to be true!

But as the duality of the situation is threatening to tear open your sides you forget about your time limit and only at the last fucking second do you put the curtain back in place.
Clasping your hands over your mouth, you silence yourself and pray to any god other than her father she didn't notice...
"Who's there?"

You look up and see the blinders of her room flutter slightly.

>"Err... hi!"
>"Err... hi!"
>Just wondered why he was so evasive about you so I sneekef in could have been simthing mildly mustache twirling. On another note you are going to love this planet gaming marketd going strong just... Stay away from loot boxes and wate for rewievs when dealing with big brands.
>"Err... hi!"
Aww shit
>>"Err... hi!"
>"Err... hi!"
Sorry guys... I just got the equivalent of a shit sandwich dumped on me at work.

I'll head home now...
Be right back
Phew. Im finally out.
Do you know that feel when the boss of your boss is sitting next to you, going "can you do this as well?" Over and over again...
And it's not enough to do it, but he fucking proof reads you so by the time you finish your shift is already over?
It fuckiing sucks I tell you
Finally! I'm home
I'll get to
Quick! Brain! Emergency protocol!
"Uuuuh... hi."

You hear a... mildly loud scream, not one of fear but... surprise? As if she herself did not expect anyone to answer.
In response you stand up, lift the curtain and attempt to calm her down.
"SHHHHHHHH! Don't scream! It's just me! Y'know... the alien!"
It's so weird to say that...

What are you... doing here?"
That's... not exactly the reaction you were expecting but that's good!

"S-Sorry... I can explain!"
No you can't.
"L-Look I was just... scared, and or curious about you.
I uh... wanted to make sure you're okay and that your dad did not pull anything shady.
So erm... c-could we like... pretend you didn't see me and I didn't see you?"

She looks confused for a second but as you see the gears turning in her head she eventually nods awkwardly.
"Oh thank god!"
You sigh with relief.
"Erm... I'm Eric by the way.
Nice to meet you."


Well... now what?
"Erm... I like what you... did... with the room."
Damn it!

As if she just snapped out of a stupor she becomes conscious of the state of her room and hurriedly starts grabbing and tossing things into one big pile which she aims to cover with her blanket.
Going in one foot at a time through the window you attempt to communicate with her.
"Don't do that... I've seen far worse. Believe me!"

"G-Get out!"

"Shhhhit! Okay!"
You jump back and she freezes in place.
"There! I'm out! Better?"
She nods awkwardly.
"Good. Just don't scream anymore! Please?"
She does not respond and seems hesitant to agree to your request.
"You don't talk much, do you?"
She shakes her head.
"I was afraid you'd... say that."
Your stupid joke, while not flying over her head, does not amuse her.
Attempting to make her glare at you in a less cold manner you attempt to force a conversation out of her by any means necessary.
"So... what's all the secrecy about?
Because frankly, I don't see the point.
And you managed to make me worry that you might be a witch...
I have enough trouble with those already."

She grabs her left arm with her right hand, making it look like she's shielding herself from you.
"I'm... not good with people."

Yeah you... gathered as much.
Still... this seems promising.

(pick one)
>What are you good with then?
>Good. You'll fit right in
>>Good. You'll fit right in
>What are you good with then?

Aww shit, either this quest becomes a neet reformer simulator or we gotta start looking for other god candidates for once the old man croaks

Sounds coldhearted but it's just the truth m8
>Good. You'll fit right in
>We already got the Russian Alcoholic, The Stoner who's seeking Spirtital enlightenment Through Getting so high he Acends to the Astral Plane, And Me a Hybrid Abomination Who is an amalgamation of a Chef and a Martial Artist Which is me By the By
>So you're no worse Off than the rest of us
>What are you good with then?
Normally I'd resolve this with a coinflip but I'll accept the write-in as tribute
"Phew... that's good to know."

"W-what do you mean?"

"I mean you'll fit right in.
There are plenty of people like you. We got one crazy, drunkard russian chick, a stoner who's seeking spiritual enlightenment through getting so high he ascends to the next plane of existence and an ungodly abomination of a hybrid between a chef and martial artist. That'd be me.
Pleasure meeting you."

"Y-You too?
But... you..."

"I what?"

"You don't-"

You snicker.
"What? I don't look like I got a problem?
Truuust me... I'm a nervous wreck basically every second of the day because I worry people that look up to me realize how much I DON'T have things under control, how much I'm making shit up as I know and basically don't know where the ride is headed!
It's pretty insane. So don't worry. If I a fucking failure like me could do it then, so can you..."
Then you back away a bit from the window and slowly lower the fabric.
"I'll leave you alone for now... I know how fucking weird and aggravating it is when someone invades your cave.
But do yourself a favor and get some fresh air once you had your fill. You got a really kick-ass view from your new home."

Walking away, knowing surely you caused enough disruption and confusion in her life you walk away with your head down.
Getting back you see that Vados tried to keep Jih busy by chatting with him. Probably about god stuff or whatever.
When she sees you he takes extra care to keep him occupied while you show up out of nowhere.
"Ah young man! Where have you been?"

"Sorry but I broke in your toilet.
I've been holding it in since Hera."

"Oh... sorry for asking."

"Nah, I should've asked for permission first."
You turn to Vados.
"So what were the two of you talking about?"

"Oh this and that."

"I uh... I noticed the Saiyans on your planet while I was surveying the planet."

"Yeah, we're trying to do peace talks with them.
Kinda need patrons to join galactic society. Why? Is that a problem?"

"No, not at all.
Well... in any case I shouldn't keep you from them.
That seems to be quite an important matter."

>Yeah, you're probably right
>The important ones are in food come by now so... not really
>The important ones are in food come by now so... not really

We just gotta hash out the last of God things, give him the president's phone number so that he can set up a meeting with the un and world leaders, and then when we're finally done with all that, we go home take a shit and sleep
>>Yeah, you're probably right
>The important ones are in food come by now so... not really

I trust that Cabba can at least have the presence of mind to call up Eric if something goes south.
Hmmmm... some folk appear to have left.
No worries. We'll just continue like so
Chilling with god for a bit it is
"As much as I hate to admit it, Cabba is capable enough to either handle things or call me when shit hits the fan. So I'm confident in his abilities.
What's more important right now is hooking you up with the rest of the world..."

"The... world?
Why? Isn't the trial enough?"

"Nahnahnah... Not like that.
Needing to be "special" to meet God face to face is the best way to handle it...
But we NEED you to be able to contact us and tell us if we fucked up."

"Why... I don't really see the point young man.
I was hoping to just carefully guide humanity from the shadows without interfering too much-"

"Nooooooo... you don't want that!
You overestimate us WAY too much!
What we need is a God who'll slap our asscheeks and call us retards when we inevitably do stupid shit!
So Imma hook you up with a phone to call up any of the worlds leaders."

"A... phone?"

You take out the smartphone from your pocket and show him.
"It's like this. Though I can show you pictures of some more old timey ones if those are more your thing.
We use these to communicate with each other. Each one is assigned a series of numbers, which when dialed into them call the one the number belongs to."

I remember seeing devices like these in the Heran Museum of Technology when I was but a boy.
Oh this is weird."
He scratches his head.
"So you want me to get one of these? To give the number to the world leaders?"


"Okay... you're not making any sense now."

"Your phone would be ringing all the time! So you don't want that.
Beside... you're god. You don't answer to them! They answer to you!
Make them fear when they see your number pop up!"

"Well that doesn't seem nice..."

"That's the point.
If they get the impression they can get away with something.... they'll do it.
Better make it plain as day for them that you see everything they do."

"Ah. I think I understand now."

"I'll bring over a world map or something...
Or a globe with countries displayed so you know who to call."

"Hmmm... Much appreciated.
I'll try my best."

"That's the spirit!"
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I can picture it now, some jackass just seething in their office, mad that the snake jews have stolen their oil again and are thinking about pressing the big red nuke button

When all of a sudden they get a call and see
>pic related

Then promptly shit themselves in fear and just go back to doing paperwork and leave the button alone
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Yeah... but it looks like this
Eyeing the door, you slowly make your way towards it while continuing.
"Anyways... I'll go and alert the uh... president that he answers to someone now.
Hopefully he'll pass it along to the other world leaders. After that you can make some introductory calls to them."

"That would be the best."

Vados, you coming?"

"I think I'd best return to Lord Champa.
Otherwise he might start wondering where I am."

See you on the day of the tournament then."

"Oh we're not coming."

"Wuh-Why not?!"

"Oh I wouldn't want to bore Lord Champa with it.
And lately he's gotten so comfortable not even junk food could lure him out.
So you have your little fun. No need to worry about us."

"Awww... okay.
Then I'll see you after... Hopefully I'll still have a planet by then."

"I'm sure you'll do fine.

With her gone you also take your leave and head for good ol' Washington. Place must be in quite a fuckin' uproar anyway. Might as well add some fuel to this burning pile of garbage.
Landing before the gate you are greeted by the guards, who try to stop you at first.
You ask them and they lower their guns.
"That's better."

Walking past them you give them a little salute and enter the premises.
You receive a little resistance but it's mostly just them trying to flex on you. By this point they know if you wanted to get in, you'd get in one way or another.
In the presidents office you rudely interrupt what seems to be an important meeting regarding the upcoming event.
No matter, you got even more important shit to tell them.

"If it isn't my old friend?
Come in! Have a seat!
So... What can I help you with? I can assure you, we got things under control."

"I don't doubt that. I hope the talks are going well."

"That they are.
We are about to make the greatest deal of our History and it's all thanks to you!"

"That's good, that's good.
Say uh... I got some good-ish news."

"Well don't keep us waiting.
Good news from you are always welcome."

"I found God."
A deathly silence falls on the room.

"You're serious?
THE God?"

"Well... Our god."
You don't need to bother him with details.
"He agreed to give you a call sometime soon. As well as the other world leaders. They need to know what's comin' to 'em.
Can I count on you to notify them?"

"And uh.... how do I know it's really Him?"

"Ask him that. He'll give you the answer."

"I... I erm... I'll take your word for it.
Say... are we in trouble?"

"Nononono. Not yet anyway.
He's just making the rounds as it were.
I just thought I'd share the good news."

"W-Well we very much appreciate it."
The president then orders his bodyguards to escort you out.
"And uh... give our friend some complimentary gifts on the way out!"

For the remainder of that day, all the suits in the oval office were practically glued to the phone, waiting for it to ring.
After that little detour you headed back home and crashed on your old sofa.
Tired after that particular mess you hit the bed like a sack of potatoes and just had a nice, long sleep.
However, over the next couple of days nothing of great significance happened.
So you spent most of your time tard-wrangling a bunch of hyper excitable monkeys and sparring with the small fry whenever you could find the chance.

But at the very least your efforts seem to have paid off somewhat.
As with each minute you spent trying to indoctrinate the Saiyans into your Human Cult, they spent five spreading what they learned of the Earthlings to their friends, boosting your popularity immensely.
Here's hoping they won't (or will) become Earthaboos.

Without much to do time seemed to fly rather rapidly until you found yourself the day before the tournament...
It's time for the final preparations. To check the stadium in its final stage, to smuggle your mates over... and to finally... begin
Aaaaand that's as far as I can go today.
I hope you enjoyed yourselves despite that fucking hiccup during my worktime
I don't know when I can run again but Monday seems like the most likely candidate

See you guys then with most likely a new thread.
Until then if you have any request, I'd love to hear it just so I don't leave you guys hanging over the weekend.

Oh... and make sure you come to the next one.
I got something special in store for you guys. Something "you" made

Thanks for the run, Nega-Som!
Hey why did you change your name anyway Not-Som?
Either last session or when I was making the Gordon Rsmsay omake someone called me that.
And I thought it sounded baller
Was me, I'm awesome
Good run, sleep well-ish Nega-Som!

Vados suddenly realizing the next Guardian of Earth is a fucking NEET when?
If she knew what a Hiki was... she wouldn't really mind the guardian being one, since that... pretty much entails a lot of sacrifices.
Like not being able to really socialize. So if anything, to Vados that'd be a plus
Dont mind me. Just archiving for future threads
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This too. Because this looks like something thatd spring from my crack addled brain...
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It always pains me as a fellow Gohanfag to see my Mexican brethren resort to these types of arguments. You just got to accept that Toriyama dropped the ball with his character. There's no shame in it and we can always look back on the good times...
Why does the Buu Saga continually make me so fucking bitter?
A'ight. That was a pleasant little weekend...
Now I'm refreshed and ready to go tomorrow.
Hopefully my bosses won't fuck me too hard this time

Will link to the new thread should this one still be up
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Thank you daddy
Iiiiit's here!

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