They said a midlife crisis came wrapped in chrome, or in some extreme sport.And those were the best cases.Worst case, a midlife crisis comes wrapped in frilly underage girls, with all the implications. You know, the implications that lead to arrests.At least that's not your midlife crisis. Sure, there are frilly high school girls involved, but that's just because you recently found out your daughter was a magical girl, and had been hunting demons on the sly for a year, with a pack of crazy friends....who you're pretty sure are a bad influence on her.And even if they aren't, the magic rat (you're pretty sure he'd prefer to be called a ferret) that you discovered breaking into your house certainly is.Of course, the silver lining is that your midlife crisis also came wrapped in fluffy tails, when you discovered your wife was a kitsune. Then your daughter tried to kill her.They came to an understanding, then they were conscripted into a family bonding remodeling project to repair the damage they'd done to the house.And then, her friends showed up. A blue haired girl (Sue?) who's had the hots for you after she went after you with a samurai sword, and you responded by blowing her arms off with your shotgun.A black haired girl (Harriet?) who's repeated this year thirty times to stave off the apocalypse. And failing every time. This is the first loop she's met you, so she thinks you might be the key to stopping it.A redhead (Karen) who got into this world of "attempted murder = hello" as... a fucking hobby? Goddamn thrillseekers.And a pink haired girl (Mary?) who seems to maybe be a goddess. You're still not sure exactly how classifications work in this brave new world of gods and monsters.You grilled for them, chatted with them, and then managed to talk down a young goddess with your dadly wisdom, and a handful of profanities.So they stayed over in your daughter's room for a sleepover, as your wife dragged you off to bed.Midlife crises, man.Can you pick them, or can you PICK 'em?
>>2639338Don't forget that we can supposedly do magic if we can figure it out because we married a kitsune. Also, I love what you're doing, our character was and is absolutely the dadliest catch our wife could hope for.
>>2639338You wake up in the dark, pretty sure you've had a crazy dream, but you can't quite remember it.Your wife is still sleeping next to you, looking more relaxed than she has for years, tails spread across the bed.Maybe it's the relaxation that come from not having to keep that sort of secret anymore.You're certainly not relaxed about all the recent revelations. Well, your reaction to your wife's has been positive, but certainly not "relaxed". It's been, uh, rather 'hard'. Your reaction to your daughter's demonslaying has been hard in a different sense.And then you remember that today is Monday, and you settle into the ingrained routine of workdays for years. You're an accountant - of course you have a routine.You disentangle yourself from those oh-so-fluffy tails and head into the kitchen to make coffee and rustle up a little breakfast.As you fry bacon and eggs, waiting for the coffee to boil, you hear soft footsteps coming.You don't turn around. Bacon and eggs takes CONCENTRATION, dammit, but you do catch a reflection in the front of the microwave.>It's black hair (Harriet)>It's pink hair (Mary)>It's blue hair (Sue)>It's a red ponytail (Karen)[META NOTE: Votes run on 20 minute timers from first voting post at first, then shift to 10 minutes from first voting post, once the thread accumulates a critical mass of players. Occasionally, I'll ask for D100 rolls - high is good, low is bad.]
>>2639415>It's blue hair (Sue)
>>2639415>It's blue hair (Sue)Never gonna get tired of shooting her down, sometimes literally.
>>2639415>>It's blue hair (Sue)
[META POST]Twitter: for rutimes and my comments:https://twitter.com/HaikuDelugePlease treat all comments about happening quest events as you would the joshing commentary of an older brother who's seen the show before. It is all in fun, and definitely not canon.Archive: for catching up on this quest: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/qstarchive.html?tags=ShotgunDue to archiving issues, 'Shotgun' is the only tag that works.You don't know why?Read the damn threads.>>2639383>absolutely the dadliest catch our wife could hope forWhy do you think a multi-tailed supernatural fox even bothered to marry him?>>263941815:03 - 15:23 Voting Period (or 20min from quoted post, for other timezones)
>>2639415>>It's black hair (Harriet)
>>2639415>It's black hair (Harriet)
>>2639338This shit is still going on? I thought it was supposed to be a 1-2 shot.
>>2639497It's fun. Why not keep it going?>>2639415>It's black hair (Harriet)
>>2639415>It's a red ponytail (Karen)
>>2639415>>It's black hair (Harriet)HA HA TIME FOR MORE DAD THINGS TO DO!
Votes:Sue:>>2639418>>2639434>>2639439Harriet:>>2639446>>2639462>>2639465>>2639469>>2639475>>2639487>>2639499>>2639516Karen:>>2639506>>2639497>I thought it was supposed to be a 1-2 shot.I started thread 1 blackout drunk, on a whim, but I've realized there's a lot of good material in the premise to unpack....And apparently a playerbase that wants to be along for the ride.
>>2639499>>2639527Oh great a oneshot being stretched out to a full series. We all know how well those always turn out...
>>2639527We can't help it Haiku. We enjoy a good Dad-Quest.
>>2639415Usually, you're up and out of the house before either your wife or daughter is awake. Being in early pays in your business, and even if it didn't, you'd prefer to spend your time at work instead of sitting in traffic.It's too bad you don't get to see your family in the morning most of the time, but your wife's a stay-at-home novelist, writing urban fantasy, and your daughter's a schoolgirl who can get away with running after the bus with toast in her mouth."You're up early," you say to the black-haired apparition behind you, "smell of bacon wake you up?""Not really," she says, sitting down at the kitchen table, already dressed in her school uniform, "I'm an early riser. Might as well make the most of the year."You can't quite argue with that, but you feel something pressing on your heart at the thought of a girl that young, who's repeated the same year over and over to try to stave off the apocalypse.Or maybe she's delusional."So," you ask, as a father, "you ever try telling your parents about this whole thing?""Yes," she says, her expression getting a degree colder, "once. And it worked out so well that time that I've been getting legal emancipation from them as fast as I could every time after that. Little more freedom that way."That gives you pause. Did they commit her to a mental institution? Do something even worse?They don't sound like wonderful parents. When you found out what your daughter had been doing, you hugged her and took her out for ice cream.You flip the bacon.>So, you live on your own now?>How does the world end?>How did you get emancipation that fast, at your age?>WRITE IN
>>2639604>>So, you live on your own now?You could live with us.
>>2639604>So, you live on your own now?>Coffee or Orange Juice?
>>2639604>>So, you live on your own now?>>How does the world end?
>>2639604>that abd huh?>>So, you live on your own now?>Coffee or Orange Juice?
>>2639604>>So, you live on your own now?>Coffee or Orange Juice?
>>2639604>How does the world end?>How did you get emancipation that fast, at your age?
>>263961415:46 - 16:06 (20min after quoted post) voting period.Might go Speed Questing (10min votes) very soon. Response times are justabout there now.>>2639547I appreciate your vote of confidence.
>>2639604>So, you live on your own now?>You could live with us.>Did you just... tell them? Not show and tell? I mean there's very little to argue about once you've seen this hubbub with your own eyes.
>>2639604>So, you live on your own now?We're playing the daughteru gacha game.
>>2639652>gacha gameHey, you get what you get via votes, and you don't even have to pump real money into it!
>>2639662>you don't even have to pump real money into it!Your loss
>>2639666I'm now going to steal this idea.
>>2639604"You tell them," you ask, trying to get a full handle on this, while dishing out the bacon and eggs, "or did you show them?""Oh," she says, with an intense look in her eyes, "I did both. When you tell someone, you need proof, right?"There's a slight pause, then she says "you know, every call into the police, into CPS, into the FBI, NASA, SETI, any government agency that could be a threat to them, somehow gets routed to the demons?""I'd really prefer not to do that again," she tells you with a sigh, "and my parents aren't exactly the type to go to a shaman or a wizard instead of someone with an acronym on their business card. An acronym that's not their name," she adds, as you raise an eyebrow.Then the toast pops. Usually, you'd have both pieces, but you slide one onto each plate."Coffee or orange juice?" you ask, getting ready to set the table."Coffee," she says, "black as my hair."Alright, you can do that. There's enough in the pot for three. One for you, one for your wife's first cup, and one for her second.By the time she's through her first, she'll realize that she needs to make more."So," you ask, as Harriet begins to tuck into the bacon and eggs, "you're living alone?""Yesh," she answers thickly through a mouthful of eggs, "crazy what an apartment a teenager can get when they win the lottery, right?"Oh. That's time travel for you."Enough money to pay off the right people to turn a blind eye to the fact that they're not a legal adult," she continues, crunching into her bacon, "and usually enough, although I've had problems in the past," she says with a grimace, "to pay off enough of the human government to get out into my own place.">You could live with us>You're a damn resourceful girl>As an accountant, I respect you>Are the bacon and eggs good?>WRITE IN
>>2639753>>You're a damn resourceful girl>>As an accountant, I respect you
>>2639753>>As an accountant, I respect you
>>2639753>As an accountant, I respect you
>>2639753>As an accountant, I respect you>You could live with us
>>2639753>You're a damn resourceful girl>As an accountant, I respect you>Are the bacon and eggs good?Why not all three?
>>2639764Alright, we're speed questing now.16:26 - 16:36 Voting Period.I've got a paper towel shoved up my nose for a spontaneous nosebleed. Is this a questing injury?
>>2639753>You're a damn resourceful girl>As an accountant, I respect you>You could live with us
>>2639753>You could live with usWinning the lottery is cool and all, but did you never consider crashing at a friends place?
>>2639753>>2639782>You're a damn resourceful girl>As an accountant, I respect you>Are the bacon and eggs good?>You could live with us.Why not all four?
>>2639753>As an accountant, I respect you>But you could always live with us, if you prefer
>>2639790I'd say air humidity is the likelier culprit.
>>2639753>>You could live with us>>You're a damn resourceful girl>>As an accountant, I respect youYou need to socialize more. Being alone is a bad thing at your age.
>>2639753>>You're a damn resourceful girlBut>You could live with us
All you people offering a place to live, whilst not even questioning the wife.Not even letting her have the first cup a coffee.You all might be liable for a couchin', were the past days not so interesting.
>>2639753>You could live with usIf you ain't making us roll I'll be sad.
>>2639753>"you know, every call into the police, into CPS, into the FBI, NASA, SETI, any government agency that could be a threat to them, somehow gets routed to the demons?"Tch, you're just killing my plan to invite all of their parents and forming a kick-ass parent association.But you won't foil me that easily! TT owes us one, surely he can host a meeting.Now unfortunately I need to go to bed. Everyone, write-in and vote sensibly, make us all proud!
>>2639753>You could live with us>You're a damn resourceful girl>As an accountant, I respect you
>>2639753>You're a damn resourceful girl>As an accountant, I respect you>Are the bacon and eggs good?
>>2639753"You're a damn resourceful girl," you say, "and, honestly, as an accountant, I respect you."There's an innate force of hostility that rages up around you, but she tames it down.She sees your expression, and apologizes, "Sorry," she says, lifting a mouthful of bacon on her fork, "I just..." she sighs, "have a hard time accepting that. Anyone who praises you wants something from you. Parents. Schools. Employers. Everyone. And yes," she says, fixing you with those intense eyes, "even you. At the very least, you want information. You want to know how to get your daughter out of this mess. You want to know what apocalypse to prepare for," she says, standing up from the table, half her food uneaten."I'm going back to bed," she tell you, "It'll be inconvenient if some of the others find out I woke up before them."You watch her walking back down that hallway to your daughter's room, knowing there's nothing you could say or do that could bring her around right now.That girl is looking for something else.Something you're not sure you've ever seen. Something you're pretty sure you can't give her.She wants closure on the end of the world she's seen thirty times.And then she turns a hair, winks, and whispers "especially Sue."...Well, that makes some sense.>Call out after her: "You could live with us.">Don't -0 you have to go to work
>>2639890>>Call out after her: "You could live with us.
>>2639890>>Don't -0 you have to go to workThat's a nest hive we don't wanna shake, also, who can guarantee we can live up to any hope we give her?That's just cruelty for cruelty's sake.
>>2639890>>Don't -0 you have to go to workWe already pushed her too far for now.We'll ask her later.
>>2639890>>Don't -0 you have to go to work
>>2639890>I'll have to ask my wife but I want you to come stay with us.Call this out.
>>263989316:52 - 17:02 voting period.You know the drill.
>>2639890>I'll have to ask my wife but I want you to come stay with us.
>>2639890"I'm not Harry Potter," you whisper, remembering what you told her last night, and maybe she heard it. Maybe she didn't.More of your mind is taken up by emptying the remaining coffee in the carafe into a thermos, then setting it to brew three cups. So your wife doesn't have to brew her own later today....ok, someday you'll get a better coffee maker.And then it's off to work.Stil early enough to evade most of the traffic.Then you walk in through the familiar doors, and something feels off. Have you just spent enough time with the supernatural that the natural feels odd?You slam through spreadsheets, review documents, calculate deductions and payroll, you are a typhoon of accounting wisdom and knowledge: co-workers, even those you'd never met before stop by your desk to ask questions you find simple, but they choke on.And with a few words from you, they see the truth.A typical Monday.At least until you hit lunch break. It's not with a client today - you have it to yourself.>You brought a lunch, eat it while trying to brush up on supernatural things via the internet>The rat's squeaking a bit, isn't it?>Call T. T. to set up a Dad's Night Out on the bars!
>>2639890>Don't -0 you have to go to workWait till we get home and make sure its good with our foxy wife.
>>2639967>>Call T. T. to set up a Dad's Night Out on the bars!
>>2639967>Call T. T. to set up a Dad's Night Out on the bars!
>>263998417:13 - 17:23: Ten minute voting periods.We're speed questing.
>>2639967>TFW we and T.T so drunk we just happily singing in the middle of our road about our girls being mahou shoujo
>>2639967>>Call T. T. to set up a Dad's Night Out on the bars!It's time to bro it up!
>>2639967Alright, you've got a business card, and you should use is to make a decent business connection.T. T., it reads, flipped at you when you'd helped him absorb a demon in Eastern Europe. After he'd praised you.Harriet's words echo in your ears as you dial the number: "Anyone who praises you wants something from you.""Good noon," a subservient male voice answers, with a hint of an Indian accent, "who do you wish to speak to?""T. T." you say, in unmistakable English."Are you sure you don't have the wrong number?" the voice asks, with a hint of hindi in it."You wish I'd been there at Tunguska," you say, remembering what the red-clad magus? had told you."Oh," he says, in a voice bearing nothing of India, "it's you -"And then you cut him off with a curt "Let's go for beers.""Sounds good," he says, and name a place to meet that's in an alley near you, assuring you it's a new craft brewery.You accept - this is what you wanted, after all - beers with another dad. A dad who had a daughter caught up into these rats' magical nonsense.Now it's back to the daily grind.>Keep going with Accountant day>Interrogate the rat somewhere - like a supply closet>WRITE IN
>>2640084>>Keep going with Accountant day
>>2640084>>Keep going with Accountant daySee if the rat can help us crunch numbers
Also, let's make sure to notify the wife.
>>2640084>Keep going with Accountant day
>>2640084>Keep going with Accountant dayARBEIT MACHT FREI!>>2640084Also this as well>>2640098
>>264009417:40 - 17:50 Voting period. Ten minutes from first voting post.
>>2640115https://youtu.be/LHsbypcJfkw?t=3m32sHow I imagine the dad to sound like.Also a tale about bulls, in the embed.
>>2640084>Keep going with Accountant day>See if rat can help us crunch number...he can't be a normal japanese salaryman for nothing
>>2640084...It's another day of accounting. Taxes for small businesses, appreciations, being heralded as a god for quoting the right government publication to an associate, when he didn't know what it meant.It's who you are.You just wish you could make all of them, all the people involved, what you are. But it's not like you've got authority for salaries. That's HR.And you doubt if they'll recognize some of those up-and-coming talents for anything.So at the end of the day, you take the elevator to the parking garage, and walk almost straight into the arms of T. T."So," he says, "Let's go."
>>2640162The man opens a wedgie into spacetime. One that opens into a bar.Then... you go. It's the sort of place you never would have gone to in your Country Boy days. Never you'd have gone to in your college days, except to snag the sorority chicks there...and that was just as a wingman.This is a good bar.A fancy bar. The sort of thing T. T. would drag you into.And he gets a pair of seats away from the hoi polloi, and asks:So, why did you accept my invitation?>Dad beers>You know about the rats.>Write in
>>2640246>>You know about the rats.
>>2640246>Dad beersWe are going to drink and do karaoke!
>>2640246>Things are getting a little hectic with my rat situation. I just needed to get away from it all with some Dad beers for a while.
>>2640246>Dad beers>Yeah, and you know about rats>Plus i really needed a breather
>>264025118:13 - 18:23, you know the drill.
>>2640246"Dad beers," you say, "I only get some many opportunities to talk to someone in the same situation.""Well," he says, "whaddya wanna know?"...if you didn't know better, you'd say the man had been pregaming."From one father to another," he says, "the rats are full of fuck. Any more questions?"Yeah, they're full of fuck, and this guy is full of that red wine he seems to love.Maybe you can get some good answers out of him while he's tipsy.>What are the contracts?>Why do you hate the 'rats'?>Look, I've got a 'rat' in my pocket, want to interrogate him together?>Jesus H. Christ, why do you drink like that?>WRITE IN
>>2640380>What are the contracts?I feel like pulling the rat out just gets it fucked by T.T.
>>2640380>What are the contracts?>Down for some Karaoke in a while?
>>264038218:33 - 18:43: Voting Period.Do the stuff, make your dad proud....As if you ever could.
>>2640380>What are the contracts?How did you get started with magic?
>>2640380>>What are the contracts?
>>2640380>>What are the contracts?>>Down for some Karaoke in a while?yea time for dad shinenigans
>>2640380"There are a lot of contracts," T.T. says, looking you straight in the eye, "some are good, some are bad."You know that, you're a fucking accountant. And no matter how many drinks that waitress gives you, you'll always be an accountant."You know what I'm talking about," you tell him, leaning in, "the ones the rats make."He starts laughing."That's what I'm a few over already," he says, eyeing you with a piercing blue eye, "I don't like talking about that when I'm sober.""As near as I can figure out," he says, and motions for a waitress to refill his glass of wine, "it's, uh, a lot like the standard contract: 'I grant you the ability to cast my magic, you kill demons, I get a percentage of the energy from those demons'. Except there's an extra rider," he says, leaning in toward you, "it's a debt franchise. And one they can't get out of. The rats transfigured our daughters to transform, and the energy that took is given as a loan, which is, eh, far over what their killing demons could get them in five years. Without interest.""To be fair," he continues, "changing a human to be able to transform like that takes a lot of energy -" he says, then stops to take another swig of wine, "and makes the human in question dependent on magical energy to survive.""They're trapped," he says, those blue eyes locking with yours, "and since they consented, we can't abrogate it."A waitress shows back up to your table out of the blue, and asks what you want.You suddenly realize why the man in front of you, this proud wizard, drinks. And why he takes on "S-Class" demons.>Something to blow this out of my mind>My daughter's in debt to this the worst debt collectors - do you have something?>Double Whisky>Double Vodka>WRITE IN[The karaoke may come. I'll file that away as an option]
>>2640525>Something to blow this out of my mind>My daughter's in debt to this the worst debt collectors - do you have something?
>>2640525>Whiskey>Alright, now, what if our daughters could generate magic on their own? Or did the fuckers screw that option entirely too?
>>264053519:00 - 19:10. You know the drill.
>>2640539i like this,
>>2640525>Double WhiskyWhat if the girl is half Kitsune? would take less energy to wield magic, no?
>>2640525>Double WhiskySo basically, they screwed them over? Damned magical mustelids.
>>2640542Lets not get sloshed.Just an old fashioned. If we slosh, long island Ice tea. 2.
>>2640525>WRITE INIs there anyone that the rats (as a whole) answer to?
>>2640562If you respond to the story post, it makes it a lot easier to count votes.
>>2640525>>Double WhiskyBring us some of that Ol' number 7
>>2640525>Double WhiskyJACK DANIELS HEED OUR CRY FOR YOU!
>>2640525"Double Whisky," you tell the waitress, and then she flits off.Something, anything, to blow this out of your mind, is what you want right now."So, T.T.," you ask, "what if one of our daughters could generate her own magical energy?"His eyes go wide. He begins to mutter,"What if they could transform on their own?" you ask, "how would that interact? What if they were half-kitsune and got pulled into a contract like that?"With the air of a true scientist, he looks you dead in the eyes and says: "I don't - " then with the eyes of a father - "fucking know."Then the waitress brings you your double whisky. And you down it.Just for tonight, you'd like to forget about all this, all this crazy shit that wasn't on you before you landed in this magical world."Hey," T.T. says, "got any more questions before I'm too sober to be truthful?">WRITE IN
>>2640638>How much do you know about time travel and end of the world prophecies?
>>264065119:22 - 19:32 voting window (10min from quoted post)You know the drill.
>>2640638>Whens the next time we do this
>>2640638"Is it possible to give these girls more than enough magical energy to pay off the debt?"I wonder if demons worshiping us can produce magical energy or if it HAS to be life energy to pay off the so called debt.
>>2640638is hell real?
>>2640638>couldn't you make your own magic generator from the bad demons to pay off the debt and juice the girls?
>>2640638Are there other ways of harvesting magical energy?
>>2640638>show him your ring "she's a kitsune, we've been married for years, think i could have gathered mana passively or something?">"how do i fireball?"
>>2640638How can i harvest energy to help my daughter (like you do).What do you know about prophecies or time travel.
>>2640638"Too sober to be truthful?" you ask, "more like too drunk to lie.""Same thing," he says, "so go on.""You know anything about Time Travel and End of the World prophecies?" you ask him."There was someone I had a... passing acquaintance with," he says, grimacing a little, "who did time magic. Not a friend. And I don't know anything about End of the World prophecies other than the influence of 'Revelations' on demonology and Gnosticism."Well, that's a strikeout. So you'll try hitting close to home plate this time."Any other way to harvest magical energy to pay off that debt?""Why do you think I was trying to absorb an S-Class?" he asks you, "when you first met me in Eastern Europe."Well, it wasn't to get power for territory, as Mary (the young pink-haired goddess, and also gang leader) had assumed.There's an intensity in his eyes that only another father could ever understand. He did it to get the best for his kid."Did it work?" you ask, wondering if you should just find an S-Class and kill it for your daughter.T.T. shakes his head, a little too forcefully, then fixes you with his eyes, "Do you know how interest works?" he asks, "What about franchise loans? Franchise loans on a body modification? The franchise loans on a body modification that's supposed to be a lifetime asset for the rats - lifetime for the assets, not the rats. As far as I know, the rats are immortal.Our daughters will be in debt until they die. All we can do is stave that off."That should have hit you like a sledgehammer. Sounds like usury....But it didn't. You're a little tipsy. And you blurrily realize that this is what T. T. has been doing.How he's been dealing with having a magical girl for a daughter."Let's go somewhere more interesting," T.T. tells you, opening a portal, a terrifying wedgie in the universe's backside.>This had better not be a strip club - I'm a married man!>Are you sure you're good to portal?
>>2640818>>This had better not be a strip club - I'm a married man!>>Also my wife will kill me.....in bed
>>2640818>>Are you sure you're good to portal?Please, we probably have the best woman in the world. The strip club will do nothing to us.
>>2640818>Are you sure you're good to portal?Note to Drunk Us: Interrogate Rat to find the best way to completely pay off the debt that won't take a literal fucking eternity.
>>2640818>This had better not be a strip club - I'm a married man!
>>2640818>Can you get me a copy of a contract?new, used, doesn’t matter long as it’s while and up to date.
>>2640818>Are you sure you're good to portal?>[Laugh] The girls need serious help from an accountant and I just happen to be one.
>>264082819:54 - 20:04, yadda yadda.>>2640832>Please, we probably have the best woman in the world.T. T. is also a married man with two daughters.
>>2640851Buut, his wife isn't a literal kistune.
>>2640818>Are you sure you're good to portal?
>>2640841The usual ways apply.We can make the rats owe us their lives, hostile takeover their corporation(or equivalent), find something that would make them consider waiver away the contract. etc.
>>2640897Basically, become the bigger evil.
>>2640897yep. we'll become fucking google(or comcast) if we need to.
>>2640897>>2640911Other ways:>Find alternative (magic) income sources. (Check with in-laws)>Reduce energy expenditure. (Refine the girls transformations and attacks to lower costs)
>>2640818> So how do we kill the rats is the question.
>>2640818"Are you sure you're good to portal?" you ask the wizard, wondering about those eyes, and a few of the things he's said."Definitely," he says, "and we're not going to a strip club," he tells you, somehow chucking you through spacetime's wedgie as he leaps through it.You'll chalk it up to not expecting it. There was nothing you could have done.Maybe he had you from the moment you walked into the former bar.You're now outside a very different looking bar. The accountant in you categorizes it as both a dive bar and a 'real money earner'."So I've got a few tips for you," T.T. says, "don't fuck with the bouncers, don't get slammed, and, if someone wants to fight you, don't pull you magic or your weapon before them.""Oh," he continues, "and I feel like some of the other dangers in there, you're insulated from as a VERY married man."...He's slammed. And you can't place this bar front on any street you know.So you walk in the doors with him.And the bouncer intones, in the beepest bass you've heard from any throat:"T.T., and GUEST, please ENTER".And suddenly you're inside.>Hang with T.T.>Just hit the bar>The poker tables looks like a great place to be>Write In
>>2640925>(Refine the girls transformations and attacks to lower costs)Doubt that is possible, since the rats transform them. It would be easier to ask TT how he seals the demons and teach them how to do that.
>>2640952>>Hang with T.T.
>>2640952>The poker tables looks like a great place to be>Inb4 we literally clean satan out of his money while drunk off our ass by complete accident and we won't remember any of it.
>>2640952>The poker tables looks like a great place to be
>>264096420:20 - 20:30 VOTING PERIOD>>2640965How do you know Satan would be at those tables?(He's a bit more honorable on his debts than some of his troops.)
>>2640952>>>Hang with T.T.
>>2640978Because Satan can't turn down a good game of poker.
>>2640952>Hang with T.T.
>>2640957Give them magic shotguns. Must be cheaper than transforming
>>2640952You've seen this before.You just didn't expect to see it with him.Half the folks in the bar know this guy, and he walked in drunk.You were supporting him.So you walk him to the bar. Order a water for the amazing magus....And then someone slides into the bar on your other side.>Do I know you?>Do you know him?>Who the fuck are you?>Write in
>>2641048>>Do you know him?
>>2641048>>Do you know him?His turf; his people.
>>2641048>Do you know him?
>>2641053>>2641054>>2641057>>2641058Why would someone go for that?Give that idea to me and I will find a world worth dying for in what you wanted
>>2641048"Alright, cocksuckers"That's what you slammed into those those various ideas.Did those terrible ideas profit off my ideaition of what an electric guitar is him?Suck my cock, douchebag,
>>2641082... my guess is that op might be drunk. or has someone else that is shitposting while he's away.
>>2641066>>2641074He's lost it, shame.
>>2641048Its our brother-in-law.
>>2641048"You to wanted to create you we all moved, didn't you all?
>>2641089I wonder if our alcohol choices at the start of this bar hopping adventure literally us picking out what booze he's going to down.
OH. i know what is happening! the pretty motherfucker is telepathic, is drunk as balls and is projecting is ramblings on us.
>>2641048> Hey, are we related?Fox dude, we married a Fox, IDK how many there are kicking around.
>>2641048This guy is trying to come on as the kitsune idea that NONE of us could do, do matter how CRISP those ideas are.
>>2641066>>2641074>>2641095>>2641124Do you need medical help?
>>2641134This could also be his way of bailing out, but let's watch the madhouse unfold.
>>2641124Wait what is happening?
>>2641167I think OP got mugged
>>2641181RIP QM, another good one bites the dust.Press F to grieve.F
>>2641185FThis is all that fucking rat fault
>>2641048There's something about getting a father drunk that no other man should do.Even if the warp comes to him him to create some strange court for it....And even if that other man is down for those ideas.>>2641048
did someone drop GHB in the mc's glass?
>>2641208How did you get this fucked up in under an hour.
Something about being in here, in this place, destroys what should be, and substitutes what it.Votes from last thing what I remember:Do You know him?>>2641053>>2641054>>2641058>>2641064It's our brother in law>>2641094>>2641251You don't want to know how I drink.
>>2641253>You don't want to know how I drink.But we do Haiku. We do want to know how you drink.
>>2641253please stop using liquor bottles as suppositories, it's just wrong
>>2641253> https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8LO_uew-F9M#Reminder that you can't vomit vapor
>>2641053>>2641054>>2641057>>2641058>>2641064>>2641066>>2641074>>2641082>>2641089>>2641091>>2641094>>2641095>>2641106>>2641119>>2641121>>2641124>>2641134>>2641164>>2641167>>2641181>>2641185>>2641195>>2641208>>2641246>>2641251>>2641253>>2641261>>2641265>>2641267You feel piledriven into hell, but you're not quite there.Something looking over you from above dies into a sea of vodka....He's fucked, but your're a dad, not some drunk dick running quests.And you're ok, right?>Grab T.T. to get you the fuck out of this bar>Just get out to the exit yourself>Close your eyes and hope this was all a stupid nightmare.
>>2641307Guys, best to let OP rest for now.
>>2641307>Grab T.T. to get you the fuck out of this bar
>>2641307>get another whiskey.
>>2641308First voting post at 21:54, voting closes at 22:04
>>2641307>>Grab T.T. to get you the fuck out of this barGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
>>2641307>>Grab T.T. to get you the fuck out of this bar
>>2641307>ask T.T. if he's seeing the same shit as us and if any of this is normal?>get ready to gtfo with him
>>2641307>>>Grab T.T. to get you the fuck out of this bar
>>2641307. . . . Just go to sleep bro.
>>2641307I'll support >>2641315
>>2641307You climb toward the fuckface that brought you here and mouth "get me out".He pulls you through the door."I was pretty sure sure you could take it," the guy in the red suit tells you, "the atmosphere in there is damn intense. Even if it's a neutral zone.""Neutral how?" you ask him, "and you said this would be fun.""Look," the winebibbing cocksucker says, "I didn't realize you'd collapse in there. I thought you'd have an idea of what you'd be facing, I thought it would be a good guys' night out for us."Ok, great, T.T. is drunk off his ass....And somehow you're worse.>GET. US. OUT. OF. HERE,>This was a good idea, a wonderful idea. Fantastic, even, T. T. Just get us out.>You baited me into this and got me wrecked, this is your fault, T. T.>Write in
>>2641359>>Write inMaybe next time we should begin in a place like this. Remember that i just have one week dealing with magical stuff.
>>2641359>>GET. US. OUT. OF. HERE,
>>2641359backing this >>2641365
>>2641359>seriously, the fuck is going on? yesterday i was still standing in front of a.. goddess in training? and now i just don't evenalso, this: >>2641365
>>264136522:15 - 2:15 Voting Period.Help me god, I've fucked up and pissed off my questers. What is my penance?Selecting Squares with vehicles?I can do that.
>>2641377i thinnk people are more confused than mad
>>2641377And now we've entered the stage of Bargaining/Depression.>>2641383As far as I'm concerned, I think it's okay so far concerning the whole drunkenness incharacter and out of character.Now that I think about it. I wonder if it is too late to drunk confess our love to the Rat?
>>2641389our love to skin him clean and then throw him away in some old forgotten redneck county? yes.
>>2641359"Maybe next time," you say, "we should start in a place like this, instead of coming here half drunk.""That's a good idea," your red-suited burden tells you....Ok, he's fucked, and you're at least 3/4ths fucked. By liquor.You're a married man.,,,But you might be a divorced man after this stunt. Which you really had little control over.>Just don't try your magic like this - I'll get you home>Just portal us home, man>Just, uh, that fire thing? Do it!>Look, man you're fucked up, don't try anything. I'll get us home
>>2641399>Just, uh, that fire thing? Do it!
>>2641399>>Just, uh, that fire thing? Do it!
>>2641399>>Just don't try your magic like this - I'll get you home
>>2641394We're drunk so we have to cut off at the I love you part for the humorous part>>2641399.>Look, man you're fucked up, don't try anything. I'll get us home
>>264140122:29 - 22:39 Voting periodYou know the drill.
>>2641399>Look, man you're fucked up, don't try anything. I'll get us homeand so we took a taxi out of hell
>>2641399>Just don't try your magic like this - I'll get you homeJesus dude. Learn some better coping skills. It's a Monday FFS.> make the rat port us hime, keeping it out of T.T.s sight.
>>2641399"Hey," you tell him, "don't try shit unless I'm dead."His limp acceptance tells you everything you need to know about the alcoholic battle he's waged against the knowledge that the rats had one, or both of his daughters.He's been dealing with it like this.You've taken a shot (or several) at what he's doing. And it's just not worth it.The alcohol is clearing from your synapses as you hail a taxi and bundle him into it....Hopefully he can remember his address. Before he racks up a terrifying taxi bill.Now you'd got to deal with anyone who followed the two of you out of the bar."Hey!" you hear down the alley, "this is still where no mortals give a shit!">Run>Take him>Ask what the rules are
>>2641434>Ask what the rules are"AND A CHING CHONG BING BONG TO YOU TOO GOOD SIR!"
>>264143922:52 - 32:02 Voting Period.Here we go.
>>2641434>Ask what the rules are
>>2641434>>Ask what the rules are
>>2641434>Alright! Good to know!i really want to say >>2641439 , but being drunk its not an excuse to fuck up.
>>2641434>Ask what the rules arethen immediately kick trash into his face
>>2641434"So what are the rules?" you ask, and then you see someone dressed in sunglasses dash out of the shadows."Alright!" he yells, "You should all know back alley rules for this bar!""Everyone starts with fisticuffs! If you pull weapons or magic out first - well, if you lose, uh, you know what that means. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?""YOU SUCK!" the fast gathering crowd yells."If you win," he continues, then waits for the response,"WHO FUCKING CARES?""Oh, and," he says, looking around, as if he wants to see his supervisor, "we'd prefer if you didn't splash someone across our walls. Police suck cock.""You guys ready?" the guy in a ref' uniform yells.>Yeah, you're ready>No, you really, really, need to consult with your corner,Who happens to be:>Blue/Sue>Red/Karen>Your Daughter>How the fuck did T.T. get back here?
>>2641477>Yeah, you're ready>How the fuck did T.T. get back here?
>>264148023:10 - 23:20 Voting Window.You know the drill.
>>2641477>No, you really, really, need to consult with your corner,>Blue/SueIn the times like this where this girl is very very useful
>>2641477>>Yeah, you're ready>Red/Karen
>>2641485also not stalking us because you know....she dont want his daddy hurt or anything....or at least bone him once in her life
>>2641477>>Yeah, you're ready>>How the fuck did T.T. get back here?
>>2641477>No, you really, really, need to consult with your corner,>Blue/Sue
>>2641477Ok, how the hell did T.T. get back here? You just packed him off to his family in a taxi....It's probably better not ask."Look," he tells you, just in your ear, "I vouched for you here, If you get killed by that guy, I'll lose face."And THAT'S supposed to give a good explanation for him coming back to sit in your corner like a boxing manager?"And remember," he whispers to you, "even if you bring out that shotgun first, he still loses if he loses.""That guy's a psycho," he tells you, "and if you can just taunt him into a stupid attack, you can probably get him!"..Then the GONG goes off.> It's fisticuffs - just close with him>You're better at wrasslin', so go for that>Hang back and look for an opportunity[GIMME A D100]
>>2641513>You're better at wrasslin', so go for that
Rolled 98 (1d100)>>2641513>>You're better at wrasslin', so go for that
>>264151923:31 - 23:41, or 10 minutes after quoted post - voting period.>>2641519Give me a roll
Rolled 87 (1d100)>>2641513>It's fisticuffs - just close with him
Rolled 71 (1d100)>>2641513>>You're better at wrasslin', so go for that
>>2641527>>2641526 Stop rollingThe average is high
>>2641513You jump at the fox-eared bastard.Wrasslin' is something you know. You shoot at his knees, then feel him fall.Wait, fox ears?He doesn't want to go down, and he has more power than you.And he smells familiar.>Bait him into pulling his weapon first (an idea flits across your mind): "I fucked your sister last night!">Sling out the shotgun, and try for the shot on it>Wrassle him to the ground
>>2641539>>Bait him into pulling his weapon first (an idea flits across your mind): "I fucked your sister last night!">Write-in>Punch in the gonads
>>264154723:44 - 23:54 voting period.YOU KNOW THE DRILLTAKE HIM OUT
>>2641539>"I fucked your sister last night"then >>2641547
>>2641539>Bait him into pulling his weapon first (an idea flits across your mind): "I fucked your sister last night!"GO FOR THE DICK
>>2641539this, >>2641549a cheap shot is a good shot
>>2641539>>Bait him into pulling his weapon first (an idea flits across your mind): "I fucked your sister last night!"
>>2641539>Bait him into pulling his weapon first (an idea flits across your mind): "I fucked your sister last night!"
>>2641539"I fucked you sister last night," you tell him, as you realize what you've been smelling from him."Yeah," he says with a sharp indraw of breath, "Makes me your brother-in-Law, huh?"...There's still something dangerous, even if he's being civil.The he suddenly unsheathes his sword, and tries to stab you with it."You want a draw," you ask, your shotgun pointed at him, "or do you want to die?"[The apparent Brother-in Law:]>A draw sounds good>How about you come to visit us sometime?>No, I'd REALLY like to keep going with this>WRITE IN
>>2641596>>How about you come to visit us sometime?
>>2641596>How about you come to visit us sometime?
>>2641596>>How about you come to visit us sometime?mouth "please help"
>>2641596>How about you come to visit us sometime?> In fact, if you come you can stay foreverLunge and kill the uppity human!
>>2641596Oh shit I finally caught up!>A draw sounds good
>>2641623>Lunge and kill the uppity human!What?
>>2641623>>2641634Found the fox
>>2641596How about you come to visit us sometime
>>2641638>>2641307>>2641164Are we going meta? I don't know if this is supposed to include other characters acting as a player now.
>>2641596"or," he says, "you can suck mine."This isn't too good.You've got a shotgun.He's got a sword."Hey," he says "want to visit us some time?"He stares you down. Out of the corner of your eyes, you can see onlookers flattening, like the magical girls had around you wife.>Sounds good - Been meaning to visit the in-laws>Fuck it, you're a dad with a shotgun, and if his sister decided you were a good match, that's her decision!>Just blow him away>Write in
>>2641661>Sounds good - Been meaning to visit the in-laws
>>2641661>Just blow him awayAfter he lost>Sounds good - Been meaning to visit the in-laws
>>2641661>>2641596>[The apparent Brother-in Law:]>>2641648Oh. This was a perspective switch, now I get it. I thought we were still playing as the father. I thought you stopped doing perspective switches.>>2641664+1
>>264166300:36 - 00:46You know the drill.
>>2641661>>Sounds good - Been meaning to visit the in-laws
>>2641666Nice try Satan
>>2641661"Sounds good," you say, "been meaning to visit the-"And that's when he jumps you with a sword.A fucking sword. In the 21st century,Here we go.>make him fellate your shotgun>Just blow his arms off.>All the above.[ROLL D100s, please]
Rolled 44 (1d100)>>2641687>All the above.
Rolled 72 (1d100)>>2641687
Rolled 98 (1d100)>>2641687>make him fellate your shotgun
Rolled 100 (1d100)>>2641687>>All the above.
>>2641687>All of the aboveI have a bad feeling our brother-in-law will be after our dick as hard as Sue soon.
>>264169000:52 - 01:02, voting period, ya know?>>2641692Con-fucking-grats.>>2641694Holy shit
>>2641687>>2641694"This is much less awkward than the last time I did this... so long as you don't start humping my leg."
>>2641694>>2641687The dice have spoken.Take out his knees in true Murderface fashion
>>2641700> He also starts to suggestively lick our shotgunGoddamnit that was suppised to be intimidating! Now we just feel tired at how fucked up this whole magical world shit is. Come on, I have a wife!
>>2641705Pancakes, Whiskey, cigarettes, and victory anon.
>>2641687He just jumps at you.Hey, he pulled out his weapon first....It's too much like the last time you did this.If he's in the air, he can't dodge.You pull. Like it's a clay pigeon.Right arm.Pump.You pull.Left arm.Pump.Then he lands in a heap at your feet.Then it's time for the finishing move.[SHOTGUN IRRUMATIO]You shove the hot barrel down his throat.He gags.>COUP DE GRAS>Pull it out of the poor man's throat>You understand why your sister married me now, don't you?
>>2641717>You understand why your sister married me now, don't you?It's in poor taste to kill a relative.
>>2641717>You understand why your sister married me now, don't you? And what I do to her mouth every fucking night now?
>>2641717>ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINEDplay to the crowd!
>>2641720Especially when if anyone is going to do it, it's going to be our wife.In fact letting him live to face her is *probably* crueller, since we have work in the morning and don't have the time to drag things out.
>>2641721Dude. She's still our Wife. Don't ve talking bad about her like that.Instead ask him> I doubt you like this as much as your sister does, lucky for you she'd bw jealous if we blew load in anyone else's mouth.Or something.
>>2641717>You understand why your sister married me now, don't you?
>>2641717>>You understand why your sister married me now, don't you?
>>2641717"You understand why your sister married me," you say, joggling the shotgun barrel in his mouth, "right?""And why I had her scent all over me?" you continue, "right?""and that I hold your life in one finger of my right hand," you say, smiling at him, and then finish with "Judge!""Winner!" the redhead says... and you can't help but think this guy is little older than your daughter.And he's calling fights in a back alley between supernaturals.And you."And his opponent pulled his sword first!" the redhead umpire yells, "and he couldn't finish it!""What do you think of that?" he asks the spectators (wait, there were spectators?).You hear a wave of "cocksucker!" "Serves him right!" and "glad he finally fellated a shotgun!" from the crowd.>Look, he's done. Let's let him go.>Alright, I'll finish him>WRITE IN
>>2641748>Look, he's done. Let's let him go.
>>2641748>>He's done. Let's let him go.
>>264175001:22 - 01:32 voting period.Is the violence in our nature just the image of our maker?
>>2641748>WRITE INTake him home to face our wife.
>>2641748> WRITE INAlso take his sword. Dude doesn't have hands to hold it with anyways now that he's been . . . Disarmed> Our true revenge, Dad Jokes.
>>2641748Guys should we be afraid when we get home about Sue?>Take the Katana from him
>>2641761Why? We won, and we didn't kill him.
>>2641748"Look," you say, "he's done. let's let go. Do you remember Battle Royale?"There's a murmur from the older portions of your audience."Do you want to do that to this guy?" you ask, "he only killed demons. Not his classmates."They part like the Red Sea.And he gives you a look over his shoulder."And I'll take his sword because," you pause for maximum dramatic impact, "that means he won't be able to do as much evil with it!"Cheers.You never thought you'd get cheers."Now that he's been..." you pause for the crowd to understand what you about to do, "Disarmed!"...You really never thought you'd get cheers for a dad joke.Particularly for something like that, where you just went all in on the dad jokes.Then you disappear.Out of the crowd's sight, you're suddenly in front of someone.Must have been the rat.>You're in front of your wife>You're in front of that Blue-haired psycho>You're in front on pink-hair (Mary?)
>>2641765>You're in front on pink-hair
>>2641765>You're in front of your wife
>>2641765>>You're in front of that Blue-haired psychoCOME ONE GUYS LETS GIVE HER A CHANCE OF CHARACTER EXPOSITION!!
>>264176601:47 - 01:57 Voting period
>>2641765>>You're in front of that Blue-haired psycho
>>2641765"So," your wife says "you took that good-for-nothing brother of mine out. I'm surprised he thought he could take you down.""after all," she tells you, and then you realize you're on your bed, spreadeagled on your back, with a hungry fox atop you, "I never liked that guy anyway. He was always a cocksucker, and, uh,"She pauses."No," you say, "he only sucked my shotgun.""What about that visit your folks want?" you ask, almost innocently."If you've taken him out," your wife says, "then that shouldn't be a problem.">So, did you take announcer out?>Did you humiliate him?>WRITE IN
>>2641781> So, what were you doing there anyways in the first place? With a strange man, when we haven't been out on a date in so long?Yes, use this to make him take us out and pamper us!
>>2641781I'll support this>>2641783
>>2641783Yeah i support thisalso add this>Yeah i have to introduce Melon to our in-laws too
>>2641781Seconding this >>2641783Also will this turn out to be Melon and friends in the country?
>>2641786It's from the perspective of our Wife, so it would be introducing her to our Family.Gotta get our allies prepared for war against the Rats.
I have been curious but why did our wife declined their hand in proposal to us i mean what is there that is none from their demon peers?
Welp OP asleep see you tomorrow
>>2641797Who proposed to our Wife?
>>2642024Probably what he meant is why our wife choose him than those demon prince in her Homeland.
>>2642052> Probably > What he meantDude. Do you see the orange with the numbers above your post? That's your ID so people can see that >>2641797>>2641805 and >>2642052 are all the same ip address.So it comes off as you talking about yourself as if you were a different person, maybe English is your second language, but it comes off as someone new to the board samefagging.I agree actually that it would be interesting to deal with one of our wife's ex-suitors when we visit her family though.Then again, maybe she's just rather terrifying to other foxes and we were the first one to propose to her while treating her like an average American woman we met at a bonfire party out on a buddy's farm and bonded together over our love of beer, bonfires, and shooting off guns.> A fun game is to get a .22 and tie a bunch of beer cans to a branch.You shoot the can from about 5m away then run up and shotgun the rest of the beer before it drains out. The trick is to hit it neer the top of the can. Lucky White is the best for this, or alternatively AGD.> MFW reading this as an actual Canadian redneck who went into a white collar job> https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-AYvotXVF-c'Berta!
>>2642052For some reason I also imagine our wife came from like, Yamamoto in Akita or some other hick region full of booze and gun fetishism so she came to America because everyone there was a little bitch about things.And also that she hates being called a Bitch because it means dog, and everyone called her "The Akita from Akita" because of her "unrefined nature"Pic related, classical Akita look for women. Yeah it's surprisingly hard to find the Japanese equivalent of rednecks.
>>2642116i think she liked us because we were the only "normal" proposal she got. Every other demon got her some tortured souls and some other shit, while we got her a nice dinner in a nice place and then we hit the bar after that.
>ywn get fuckeyed on malt liquor with the QM
>>2642156Pffft you don't know my life.
So what the actuall fuck happened to our qm. Did he get as drunk as the character
>>2642337seems like he was representing all the noise the bar patrons were generating and how our MC perceived it.
>>2642337>So what the actuall fuck happened to our qm.I fell asleep on the floor mid-thread.Sorry about that.Hopefully I'll be able to resume this in an hour or so.>>2642164That's a great picture
>>2642337From what I gathered from the his twitter and his inbetween posts, yes he did get shitfaced.Or at the very least, is very very good at trolling.
>>2642385Ah cool, that answers that.
>>2641781"So, what were you doing there anyways in the first place?" she asks you, growing a bit more menacing, "With a strange man, when we haven't been out on a date in so long?"Oh.Right.Home remodeling doesn't count as a date, as much good as it is for family bonding.And how does she know where you've been, anyway? you wonder. You're not still drunk enough to pass something like that off as "women's intuition".She takes a deep sniff."I don't smell a woman on you," she continues, "so it looks like I don't have any scores to settle there.""But really?" she asks, pouting a bit, and that's a dangerous look on a hot supernatural creature who's been around god knows how many years, "getting shitfaced with a magus instead of taking me out?">Dad beers!>I just needed some time away from all this>How do you know where I was?>WRITE IN
>>2642454>>Dad beers!> and trying to find out more about all the magic stuff
>>2642454>>>I just needed some time away from all this
>>2642454>>Dad beers!>Just two men, trying to comfort each other.
>>2642454>Dad beers!>"Want a beer?"
>>2642454We married best girl.>Dad beers!
>>264246014:28 - 14:38FYI, sleeping on the floor is uncomfortable.[spoilers]And half a 1.75l of vodka does not make them more comfortable.[/spoilers]
>>2642454Backing this >>2642467
>>2642454"Uh," you say, not sure if you're up to fighting a second kitsune tonight, "dad beers. Just a couple of men talking about their families. And magic. And trying to comfort each other a bit."Then you realize you found out nearly nothing about T.T.'s family, or his real name."Or just trying to get a bottle to comfort them," she adds, smirking, "not that we haven't all done it," she finishes with a barking laugh....That's a lot of teeth for someone holding you down on a bed to be showing."Y'know," she says, laying down on top of you, and whispering in your ear, those sharp canines just brushing your earlobe, "you dealt with finding out our daughter's secret a lot better than I did.">How long have you known?>How did you deal with it?>Seriously, how did you know where I'd been?>WRITE IN
>>2642499>>How did you deal with it?
>>2642499>How long have you known?>How did you deal with it?>Seriously, how did you know where I'd been?
>>2642499>>How long have you known?
>>2642499>How did you deal with it?>Seriously, how did you know where I'd been?>"Our daughter is in debt! We have to get her out of it!"Not really much of a point asking how long since she probably has her own magical senses.
>>264250714:46 - 14:56, you know the drill.
>>2642499>>How long have you known?>>How did you deal with it?>>Seriously, how did you know where I'd been?all the things
Rolled 71 (1d100)>>2642499>How did you deal with it?
>>2642499>What even is life?
>>2642499Note the ring.Also glasses for the wife then?
>>2642499"So," you whisper into her ear fluff, "how DID you deal with it?""I, uh," she says, her face flushing, "got shitfaced right after you and Melon left in the mornings. Every day. For," she pauses, cocking her head to the side while trying to remember, "a few months, I think? I was usually sober by the time she got back from school."Oh.You HAD wondered why 'makeup' was a line-item expense in the family budget for a few months, since you never saw her put any on....Not that she needed any. Jesus."Got a publishing contract out of it," she tells you, grinning a little, "turns out I write the trashiest urban fantasy tripe when I'm slammed, and that's apparently what sells."Then the smile falls off her face, like a cloud passing over the sun."Although finding out our daughter was in debt to the rats," she says, "that's a worse story than anything I wrote. And I kept wondering if she'd have gone for it if I'd let her in on my secret earlier."There's something in her eyes that speaks to the year of knowing the situation (you'd bet that she smelled the magic on your daughter the first time they met after the contract), but being too afraid to say anything.After all, look what had happened to the house when she did come out to her daughter.You wouldn't have been too happy to come home from work one day to that scene.>WRITE IN
>>2642567"We'll find a way for her to get out of the debt. We can't just do nothing about it.""Say, how did you know where I was? Was that bar an old stomping ground or something?"
>>264257815:24 - 15:34
>>2642567So, how do we pay off that debt? And apparently one of our daughter's friends is a time traveler, who thinks i'm the key to saving the world in a year or so, which seems important. Ideas?
>>2642567I'm not going to lie, I wish you at least told me sooner. I'm mainly dealing with it by acting. If I think about it too long I start remembering sis, or doing something dumb like getting drunk on a Monday.
>>2642567>Well we might have a way but we need energy and to refine the transformation and all that stuff.
>>2642587>>2642598>>2642580>>2642601Wait guys. What if there is a loophole in the Magical Girl contract that we can exploit or make the contract voided? Because if the Rats can enchant items despite saying they can only give magic to the girls, then there has to be something in the contract that can be fucked with because it was worded a certain way.
>>2642567You wrap your arms around her and say "don't worry - we'll get her out of the debt. We're all in this together now, right?""Yeah," she says, leaning into you, "I probably should have said something sooner about all this."That statement deserves the 'Understatement of the Year' award, no matter how cutely she's snuggling into you."As it is," you tell her, "I'm just acting like I've got it together. I've got some bad memories about this kind of stuff."Her ears perk up."So I'm not the only one with secrets?" she asks, one eyebrow raised."I was there when my sister died," you tell her, "and she was a magical girl.">She turned into something>A demon ate her>I'd really prefer to not talk about it>WRITE IN
>>2642619AMERICA has usury laws. The contract is illegal and she is underage and signed it without a guardians permission.Not that they give a shit... But if the demons run the world, lizard style, I'm sure they'd hold a magical trial to void MG contracts. I mean, they would be getting rid of pests that run around and kill them.
>>2642637She stepped into a portal, turned around and gave me one last sad smile. Told me to "Take care of Mom and Dad". Then the portal closed, and she never came back.
>>2642637>>A demon ate her, swallowed the mobile trailer whole after I went outside for a piss
>>2642656Ooh I like this.
>>2642637>She turned into something"Something worse than a demon. A Nightmare incarnate. Last time I saw her she went into hell and never came back out."Combined with this Anon's post>>2642656
>>264265615:49 - 16:00 Voting Period.
>>2642637>>A demon ate her
>>2642637>>She turned into somethingThen promptly fled into a portal and never came back.
>>2642656I like this, voting
>>2642637>She turned into something
>>2642664>>2642675Pretty much this.
How fluffy are Kitsune tails, and what do they feel when stroked?
>>2642656I support this.
>>2642637Your wife says nothing, waiting for you to continue.So, you do, although it takes a lot of effort."It was back when we were teenagers," you say, "pretty soon after I figured out what she was doing. She asked me to keep quiet about it, and I did."You've got to force yourself to go on, even with the look of concerned interest on Liska's face."Not sure if that was really the right call," you tell her."Anyway," you continue, "the last time I saw her, she stepped into a portal, told me to 'take care of mom and dad', and then the portal closed."You can see it again, like it was yesterday. The image haunts your nightmares every so often - your sister turning around to give you one last, sad smile, standing in the blasted landscape on the other side of the hole between worlds.Sometimes your mind plays tricks on you in the dream - sometimes she turns into something nightmarish, sometimes you see her eaten by something on the other side.Sometimes you jump through after her. Those dreams are the worst ones."Where was the portal to?" your wife asks, an odd look on her face."It looked like," you tell her, "Hell.""Taking the fight to them, huh?" your wife says gently, then looks like she's struggling with whether to say something.It's a strange look on her usually confident, smiling face."There's a chance," she tells you slowly, as if she's not sure if she'll regret saying this, "there's a chance she's still out there.""It's been at least thirty years!" you tell her, trying to process what that would mean, the hole in your heart hurting even more with the faint hope it could be filled, "she didn't pass 'go', didn't collect two hundred dollars, didn't get to live her life, just walked straight into Hell!""It's only a chance, dear," your wife says, gently stroking your cheek. Then she smiles, "so that's where the protective streak comes from.""...and that's why you do stupid stuff like leaving your car at the office and coming back slammed with my brother's sword in your hand," she continues, "that's a hell of a thing to carry that many years.""I always liked bad boys," she tells you, licking her lips, a a hungry blonde incarnation of your fantasies, "do you have any idea how hot a tragic past is?"That's really not the reaction you'd expected. This is a damn crazy world you've walked into.>I'm not sure I'm in the mood>Go with it>Honey, I'm going to need a ride to work tomorrow>WRITE IN
>>2642767>Honey, I'm going to need a ride to work tomorrow>"Can we take it slow tonight? It's just that talking about that part of my past puts a damper on my passion."
>>2642767>Honey, I'm going to need a ride to work tomorrow
>>2642767>>2642779Yeah taking about trauma we kept for thirty years seem like a boner killer
>>2642767>>Honey, I'm going to need a ride to work tomorrowCan we just cuddle?
>>2642767>>Honey, I'm going to need a ride to work tomorrow>"It looked like," you tell her, "Hell."Is our sister DoomGal?
>>264277916:28 - 16:38 Voting Period>>2642786Someone hasn't played enough H-games.
>>2642794I think we're the proto doom slayer, shotgun wielding, demon slaying badass
>>2642812>>2642794What if the big factor in the MG Apocalypse was that was no DoomGal/Doomguy involved? And because of this happening, this might heavily affect how this interval plays out.
>>2642794I'm actually convinced we are alt world doomguy.
>>2642767You hear something that might have been a peevish squeak from your pocket saying "just fuck already."Might have been the bedsprings, or your imagination.Unfortunately, talking about the secret that's colored your life for years doesn't really get you in the mood for that sort of thing. It might have been a nice release, but it's just not what you want right now."Honey," you say, dragging things back from the magical to the mundane as she gently bites your neck, "I'm going to need a ride to work tomorrow."She laughs softly, and says "you really don't know how to read the mood, do you?""That's a bit rich, coming from you," you tell her, "bringing that part of my past out kind of puts a damper on my passion. And you say I'm the one that can't read the mood?"She gives you a little smile, then wraps herself and her tails around you."Mmm," she says, "I can be content with cuddling... tonight," then gives you a bit of a devilish look, "stop worrying about this stuff for a bit and just get some rest."That actually sounds like a good idea. A REALLY good idea. And then you pass out.You wake up to an empty bed for the first time in a number of years, with a bit of a hangover. The first thing you notice is the clock - it's a little later than you usually get going in the morning.Then you notice the smells of someone cooking breakfast.Something seems a little different about the room, and then you realize that the sword you won last night is hanging on the wall at the foot of the bed.One shower later, and you're walking into a kitchen where your wife is cooking breakfast, and your daughter is a little bundle of energy getting ready for school....It's actually pretty nice to see everyone else before heading off to work.>Hug your wife>Hey, Melon, want to see a souvenir your dad got?>Chat with your daughter until breakfast is served. [WRITE INs/topics appreciated]>WRITE IN
>>2642859>>Hey, Melon, want to see a souvenir your dad got?
>>2642859>Hey, Melon, want to see a souvenir your dad got?
>>2642859>Hug your wife>Hey, Melon, want to see a souvenir your dad got?JustDadThings
>>2642859>Hey, Melon, want to see a souvenir your dad got?It's a glorious kitsune steel folded 10000 times even the guy who used this said human go home you're 10000 early to use this and I introduced him to my partner shotgun samaHoney please stop laughing
>>264286317:02 - 17:12>>2642747On a scale of '1' to 'Fluffy', they're 'Pretty Damn Fluffy'.So fluffy I'm not sure I can really describe them.>>2642878I love you.
>>2642878This, maximize ham.
>>2642878I like your style Anon.
>>2642878>Shotgun-samaHearty /k/eks were had, thanks Anon. Also supporting this
>>2642859Looks like nobody noticed you come in to the kitchen yet, and an idea strikes you.You turn around and grab the sword from your bedroom wall, then walk back into the kitchen, hiding it behind your back."Hey, Melon," you say, using Marion's pet name, "want to see a souvenir your dad got?"She look at you excitedly, then her face falls a little."Are you talking about that black eye?" she asks, with some concern.Oh. You hadn't really thought about it, only giving it a glance in the mirror."No," you tell her, holding out the sword, "I'm talking about this."Her jaw drops, and she fumbles in her pocket."It's glorious kitsune steel folded ten thousand times," you tell her, with a stupid grin on your face, "the guy I won it from said 'go home human - you're drunk, I mean a thousand years too early to face me'. So I introduced him to my partner, shotgun-sama.""Honey," you say to your wife, "please stop laughing."She's almost bent double with an attack of the giggles.Melon, on the other hand, is smiling at you with rapt attention."Man, Dad," she says, "that's... wow. Ok," she says, pulling out her phone, "you have GOT to let me take a picture. Sue's gonna be so jealous."To oblige your daughter, you pose with the sword in front of you, and pull it a few inches out of its sheath, so the pattern of the blade is visible.It actually looks really, really good."HUMAN," a voice thunders in your head a second after the flash goes off, "YOU'RE A THOUSAND YEARS TOO EARLY TO DRAW ME!""Oh, honey?" your wife calls from the kitchen, "did I forget to tell you there's a ghost living in that sword, and we haven't figured out how to get it to leave yet?">That would have been good to know, dear>Now I get why your brother was so nuts when he had this out>Just push the blade back into the sheath>I'm better than the last guy, Sword>Do you have a name?>WRITE IN
>>2642943>Sword, Do you really want to be in this fucking house. I have an evil rat making contracts, I have a daughter who murders demons, My sister is dead, and my wife has got to be half Sucbuss. Either shut up or be nice.
>>2642943>Draw the sword and hold it above the barbeque to show superiority.
>>2642948>Now I get why your brother was so nuts when he had this outAlso supporting this because it's too funny to not be used.>>2642948
>>2642943>>2642948This then>Just push the blade back into the sheath
>>2642948>>2642958>>2642963>>2642971Everyone who wants this, start rolling dice.
>>2642943>Do you have a name? NO WAIT LET ME GUESS!Proceed to rattle off a list of names ranging from not unreasonable to gut busters.Fox claw, kitsune blade, thousand year waiting period, self assured doofus 2: Electric Boogaloo, sord, glorious nipon 1000 fold steel demon razer, pointed stick (VERY clear and slow pronunciation on this.), and any other suggestions my fellow anon's have.
Rolled 69 (1d100)>>2642978
Rolled 91 (1d100)>>2642978CHING CHONG BING BONG!
Rolled 7 (1d100)>>2642978
Rolled 79 (1d100)>>2642978
Rolled 48 (1d100)>>2642978Fuk u
Rolled 98 (1d100)>>2642978but >>2642959 at least threaten it with the BBQ
>>2642943...That would have been nice to know before pulling this thing out of its sheath.Really nice to know. The damn thing doesn't want to go back in, and your hand holding it is inching up as if under a compulsion."Sword," you think, assuming the thing can hear your thoughts, "do you really want to be in this fucking house? I have an evil rat making contracts in my pocket, I have a daughter that murders demons to pay off a debt, my sister is dead in Hell, and my wife has got to be part succubus. Either shut up, or be nice. Also, I'm pretty sure I could ruin your temper with a night in my grill."There's a pause, and you can almost feel the ghost in the sword thinking. And it stops trying to get you to draw it."HUMAN," it continues, in a slightly subdued voice, "DO NOT THREATEN ME WITH YOUR GRILL. MY WAS FORGED IN A VOLCANO, FROM A FALLEN STAR. MY SOUL IS THE GREATEST SWORDSMAN OF MY AGE OR ANY OTHER, AND I CHALLENGE YOU TO FIND A TORMENT I CANNOT SURVIVE. I AM THE THOUSAND-YEAR BLADE, AND YOUR HOUSE SOUNDS LIKE EXACTLY MY SORT OF PLACE.""I HAVE BEEN A WALL DECORATION IN WORSE," it says, "WITNESSING CRIMES AND INCESTS YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE.""WHO WOULD YOU TURN ME ON FIRST?" it asks you, in a hungry voice, "YOUR WIFE? YOUR DAUGHTER? THE RAT? WOULD YOU USE ME TO CARVE A PATH INTO HELL AND SLAY YOUR SISTER AGAIN?">Your wife>Your daughter>The rat>Wait a second, you can carve a path into Hell?>That's it, you're going back in the sheath, and you're going to hang in a room where I don't fuck>WRITE IN
>>2643046>"Unless you can destroy magical concepts like contracts and demons I ain't interested in what you're selling."
>>2643046>Wait a second, you can carve a path into Hell?note to self become the weaboo fightan swordsman we were always ment to be,
>>264305617:55 - 18:05
>>2643046>Wait a second, you can carve a path into Hell?
>>2643046>>"Unless you can destroy magical concepts like contracts and demons I ain't interested in what you're selling.">Wait a second, you can carve a path into Hell?
>>2643046>SLAY YOUR SISTER AGAIN?"ok, you'd better elaborate on that, you phony butter knife.
>>2643056>>2643046This please and>Wait a second, you can carve a path into Hell?
>>2643046>>2643070Damn, didn't notice that. Adding to my vote >>2643064
>>2643046>sounds like you want to be kitchen knife
>>2643046I will use you as my butter kni->Wait you can carve a path to hell?
>>2643046>I'm going to make a barbecue skewer out of you if you seriously don't shut the fuck up.
>>2643046I support >>2643065Though I agree with >>2643058 that this sword could become a powerful ally in our quest to rid the world of demon scum, free our daughter (and our sister?), though>hanging it in a room where we don't fuck is a pretty good idea in general, perhaps we could invest in some kind of magically-reinforced or suppressive glass case for the thing, maybe promise it a nice velvet cushion if it cooperates?
>>2643046backing this >>2643056 and >Wait a second, you can carve a path into Hell?
>>2643046>Maybe later, but if you threaten my family again I will shatter you.
>>2643046>Wait a second, you can carve a path into Hell?> Can you do that, but like, going to ky office instead?Fuck traffic!
>>2643046>>2643145This literally cut commute time
>>2643046Your daughter is happily texting away with her friends, but the expression you catch from your wife is concerned.You've just been standing there, holding the sword, for a minute."Wait a second," you think, "carve a path into Hell? And what do you mean 'kill her again'? This had better be good, or you're going to be a grill accessory or a butter knife.""I ASSUMED," the sword speaks into your mind, "THAT SINCE YOU MENTIONED YOUR SISTER WAS IN HELL, YOU HAD SENT HER THERE YOURSELF. MY APOLOGIES. LET ME INSTEAD OFFER MY HELP IN AVENGING HER AGAINST HER ENEMIES. WAS IT A RIVAL LORD? BANDITS ON THE ROAD? AN ATTACK BY DEMONS?"You must have twitched on that last one."AH," the sword says, "THAT IS WHY YOU WISH FOR A PATH TO HELL.""THE PATH TO HELL I CAN CARVE FOR YOU IS LITTERED WITH THE GASHED CORPSES OF DEMONS," it continues, "THEIR ENTRAILS SPILLING OUT AS THE LAST ONE ALIVE TURNS TRAITOR AND OPENS A PORTAL FOR YOU, HOPING IT WILL BE SPARED THE FATE OF ITS FELLOWS.""BUT IT IS WRONG," the sword says, with glee in its voice, "YOU CLEAVE ITS HORNED HEAD FROM ITS SHOULDERS AT THE VERY MOMENT IT BELIEVES ITS TREACHERY HAS SECURED ITS LIFE!"This thing is giving you a slight headache. The sheer bloodthirstiness of it, and the way it turns every avenue of a conversation to a solution involving bloodshed is slightly disconcerting."You say you can kill demons," you think to it, " but can you kill concepts - magical contracts, for instance?""NO," it tells you, with finality, "I CANNOT KILL CONCEPTS. BUT DO YOU WISH A DEMON DEAD?" the sword asks, "YOUR WIFE, PERHAPS?""We're having a failure to communicate here," you think at it, trying to contain your irritation, and your raging headache, so you lapsed into business-speak for a second, "the people I mentioned earlier were those I want to save and protect, not targets.""AHH," the sword says, "I AM TOO USED TO MY WIELDERS GIVING ME A LIST OF TARGETS WHEN THEY DRAW ME. MY MOST HUMBLE APOLOGIES.""WHO MUST YOU KILL TO PROTECT THEM?" the sword asks, "DEMONS? ARE ONI DESCENDING FROM THE MOUNTAINS? HAS THE LOCAL LORD DEMANDED YOUR DAUGHTER AS A CONCUBINE? OR A NIGHT WITH YOUR WIFE? WOULD YOU WISH TO DESTROY HIM AND RULE IN HIS STEAD?"This is going nowhere, fast. Damn thing seems to think it's stuck in an ancient feudal society, where you can solve all your problems with violence.And you're not a swordsman.>No, I want to invade Hell>No, I want to kill magic rats until they release my daughter>No, you cannot help me accomplish my will>Yes, let's go kill my boss>I'm no swordsman.>WRITE IN
>>2643165>No, I want to kill magic rats until they release my daughter
>>2643165>..... you’ve been asleep a while. You up for listening how the world has changed?
>>2643165>>..... you’ve been asleep a while. You up for listening how the world has changed?
>>2643165>No, I want to kill magic rats until they release my daughter>Though I'm down with invading hell if we need too. Like seriously, Fuck those dudes and there asshole followers calling ME the bad guy for charging money.
>>2643165>No, I want to invade Hell>No, I want to kill magic rats until they release my daughter>..... you’ve been asleep a while. You up for listening how the world has changed?Might as well pull all the plot threads.
>>2643165>>>..... you’ve been asleep a while. You up for listening how the world has changed?
>>2643165>No, I want to kill magic rats until they release my daughterInvading hell is fine too.>..... you’ve been asleep a while. You up for listening how the world has changed?
>>2643180>>2643165This plus > Can you learn math? Won't work, won't eat. I mean has he SEEN our shotgun? Wait. Could they possess and empower our shotgun instead?
>>2643165>>I'm no swordsman. I am a caring father, husband and brother who just wants to protect my family. I may be able to use you to protect them against those who wish them harm.>But right now i'm running late. Can you cut me a portal to the office so I can "slay" my reports and "demolish" the piling accounts.
>>2643165I will also support this option: >>2643178
>>2643184I support this. Though we are no swordsman, perhaps it could fix that problem? Though we should probably put a pin in this discussion before the wife really gets worried.To the other players: How opposed are we to becoming the next shogun of [insert town here]?
>>2643210I prefer being the Shogun of our Suburbia but if need be we can do the whole Shogun of the entire town deal just fine.
>>2643214However, if we do go shogun route, we'd have to deal with the demon-infested government.
>>2643224This is true, however nothing says We can't be the Brutal Shogun Father of Heaven.Because if we're gonna weeb, then we're gonna weeb hard. (Note: There is a high chance that someone will come up with a better title for our character that is even more weeb than the title I made. Viewer Discretion is advised)
>>2643244Oh God, what have I done?
>>2642619Depends upon how magical laws/contracts interact with legal laws or at least local religious laws. (Basing the religious laws off of old jokes from the middle ages where Jesus hires Moses as a lawyer to deal with a devil or something along that line) I'm betting that most people aren't savvy enough to know about all of the loopholes and Frankly that's mountains upon mountains of paperwork/research to check through.Technically our daughter was probably below most standards of independence/adulthood too.
>>2643253What's wrong with Brutal Shogun Father of Heaven? I thought it was a pretty good title for us once we get the demon murderfest going on.
>>2643244Protector of Daughters, Lord of headpats, Prince of cuddles, knight of fluffy tails, wife of kitsune princess, captain of magical girls, general grill and feudal Lord of this house.Did I miss anything?
>>2643165"You've been asleep for a while, haven't you?" you ask the sword in your hand, "want to wake up and see how the world has changed?"You feel... interest? radiating off the blade."MY WIELDERS," it says, "ONLY UNSHEATHE ME WHEN AFTER BLOOD. THEIR THOUGHTS ARE OF WAR, CONQUEST, DUELING, BECOMING STRONGER. YOU ARE DIFFERENT, THAT I KNOW FROM YOUR MIND, BUT ONLY SO MUCH."That's slightly disturbing to hear, but seems like a step forward."DO YOU WANT TO SHOW ME?" it asks."Yes," you say, "I want to show you," not quite realizing what the sword means.Then you realize all too fully, and it rushes into your mind, sorting your thoughts, sifting through your surface memories, seeking to understand who you are, and the world you live in.Your wife is watching you intently, as sweat beads down your forehead, and even little Melon seems to feel that something is wrong.Maybe it's the grimace you're making."YOU ARE AN OFFICIAL?" it asks, finally retreating, "A SCRIBE? YOU COUNT THE GOLD OF OTHERS, AND MERELY TAKE THAT WHICH THEY GRANT YOU?""Summed it up rather nicely," you tell the sword, "they call it 'accounting' nowadays.""THERE IS SOMETHING ELSE HERE," the sword thinks at you, its words reverberating in your mind, "DEEPER THINGS THAT YOU HAVE LOCKED AWAY. YOUR CURRENT SPIRIT/SOUL/MIND/EGO IS ONLY THE TIP OF A DEEP ICEBERG."That doesn't sound ominous at all."AND I SEE THE HATRED OF THE RATS," it tells you, "FOR WHAT THEY HAVE DONE TO YOUR FAMILY. I SEE THE WAR YOU COULD WAGE AGAINST THEM, FROM THE DEPTHS OF HELL TO THE SPIRES OF HEAVEN. I SEE WHAT A SHOGUN YOU COULD BECOME.""DO YOU WISH ME TO PLUMB DEEPER?" it asks, strangely polite.Polite for a sword that seems to just want blood running down it, to see its enemies dead, to glory in the lamentations of their women.>No. I have to go to work, and you're coming with me.>No. I have to go to work, and you have to go back into that sheath.>Yes, fine, drag through my memories of the war.>Yes, fine, drag me back through my sister's death.>WRITE IN[Also, roll d100 for all options]
>>2643260How about Master of the Grill instead of General Grill. Makes it sound like it's a holy artform akin to swordsmanship.
Rolled 27 (1d100)>>2643268>>No. I have to go to work, and you're coming with me.
Rolled 34 (1d100)>>2643268>No. I have to go to work, and you have to go back into that sheath.Assure it that we'll be back later.
Rolled 6 (1d100)>>2643268>Yes, fine, drag through my memories of the war.
Rolled 97 (1d100)>>2643268>>No. I have to go to work, and you're coming with me.
Rolled 35 (1d100)>>2643268>>No. I have to go to work, and you're coming with me.
Rolled 94 (1d100)>>2643268>>Yes, fine, drag through my memories of the war.
Rolled 86 (1d100)>>2643268>Yes, fine, drag through my memories of the war.>Yes, fine, drag me back through my sister's death.
Rolled 43 (1d100)>>2643268>No. I have to go to work, and you're coming with me. >By the way, what should I call you if we'll be together from now on?
Rolled 75 (1d100)>>2643258Nothing at all. I'm just lamenting being the can opener, lol.>>2643260You forgot the shotgun, also how are WE the wife?>>2643268"--I SEE WHAT A SHOGUN YOU COULD BECOME."Motherfucking goddamn it!>No. I have to go to work, and you have to go back into that sheath.Assure it that we'll be back later like >>2643280said, but >>2643298 is right about getting a name:>By the way, what should I call you if we'll be together from now on?
>>264327818:58 - 19:08 Voting Period.>>2643260I regret nothing, and this is not necessarily canon:Shotgun Shogun of Suburbia, Protector of Daughters, Patriarch of Headpats, Count of Cuddles, Knight of Fluffy Tails, Consort of the Fox Bride, Captain of Magical Girls, Master of the Grill, and Lord of This House, First of His Name.Let all knees bow before him, lest they be blown away by the holy shotgun.All Hail! - Excerpt from the notebook of the Herald of Hell, from the "List of Proper Titles for Announcing Noteworthy Personages"
Rolled 85 (1d100)>>2643268Is there something deeper to plumb?
>>2643268"As you can see," you tell the sword, "I have to go to work, and you," you say, hoping you don't regret it, "are coming with me. You'll look good on the wall there."You could swear the sword made something like a 'hmph' inside your head, but all it said was "I COMPLY. I TRUST YOU WILL ALLOW ME TO PLUMB THOSE DEPTHS ONE DAY."Maybe. You can't quite remember what depths there are to plumb, but that's why they're hidden depths, after all.You slide the sword back into its sheath, and sit down to breakfast. Your wife's been doing more than just watch, apparently."You're the first person to commune with the Thousand Year Blade that deeply in a long time," your wife tells you, as you begin on your coffee. Something tells you you're really going to need it today.You already feel worn out, and you haven't even left the house."I could tell," you say, "it's got some... antiquated notions about the world.""Oh, Melon?" she says, looking toward your daughter, "that sword is an heirloom from my side of the family. Your father took it off your uncle last night."Your daughter is still staring at the thing as you shove its sheath through your belt."That's an amazing souvenir," your daughter finally says, as she goes back to eating.The meal and the car ride to the office blur together, and then you're at the curb in front of your workplace.Suddenly, as you step out of the car, your wife grabs your tie and half-stands out of the car to french you....You could swear you heard a wolf whistle and a couple cheers from somewhere, but when you can finally turn to look, as the car speeds away, you can't tell who they were from.The receptionist barely gives you a glance as you walk toward the elevators. A perfunctory "good morning" follows you dimly down the hallway.Once the bell dings, you step into an elevator with...>Your boss, Bernie>One of your underlings, Christiansen>Someone you've never seen in the office before - probably a client>WRITE IN
>>2643362>>Your boss, Bernie
>>2643362>>Someone you've never seen in the office before - probably a client>They are asking for you in particular.
>>2643362>Your boss, Bernie
>>2643362A Japanese salaryman who says he has business with you about his brother.
>>264336919:27 - 19:37 Voting Period
>>2643362>Someone you've never seen in the office before - probably a client
>>2643362>Your boss, Berniewe don't know this yet, but the real Burnie died years ago and now a pair of people are keeping up a farce with a lifelike puppet, and excellent makeup, to pretend he's alive as hitmen continue to try and off him. This is hilarious and when someone does find out they'll pitch the idea as a movie, with a shorter timeframe for realism.
>>2643362It's your boss, Bernie, looking as offensively preppy and fresh as ever.You've never understood what puts you edge about this guy. He's not a bad boss, as bosses go, and seems like a good worker, so there shouldn't be anything to complain about.Of course, there's a betting pool is the office about how old he really is - is he a youngster with great family connections? A youngster who's just that good? And older guy with a fantastic self-care regimen?So far, nobody's gotten enough evidence to collect.His eyes drift down you, before coming back to your face?"Rough night, hey?" he asks, "didn't have that when you came back from vacation.""Someone at a bar thought they could improve my face," you tell him, as he slouches against the side of the elevator, "not like I've got any client meetings today, so it should be fine.""KILL HIM AND CLAIM HIS DOMINION FOR YOUR OWN," the sword says straight into your head, "OR FORCE HIM TO BECOME YOUR SERVANT."Ok, that's going to get hard to deal with."What's with the sword?" Bernie asks, gesturing at the scabbard shoved through your belt, "finally going postal today? Am I that bad a boss?" he asks with a smirk.>Family Heirloom. My father took it off a Jap in WWII.>Picked it up secondhand, thought it'd be nice decor>Souvenir from the trip, forgot to bring it yesterday>It's here for your head. Figured that blond mug of your would make good office decor.>WRITE IN
>>2643416>Brother in law told me to hold it and wife does not want it in the house. The thing is old and probably hasn't been sharpened in ages.
>>2643416>Family Heirloom. My Brother In Law was being a cock with it, so I took it off him.
>>2643416>A prize I got after rearranging someone's face last night.
>>2643424Good one anon, supporting.
>>2643416"Family heirloom," you tell him, "my brother in law was being a cock with it, so I took it off him. My wife doesn't want it in the house, so I figured it'd make good office decor.""So that's how you got that shiner?" he asks, a smirk playing on his lips, "sorry to hear there's been a family situation, but that thing should give your office just the touch of 'corporate samurai' it needs.""I like your sense of style," Bernie continues, winking at you, "even it it's a little bloodthirsty."...There had also been a betting pool on what team the man batted for, but that one paid out pretty quickly."HE STROKES YOUR EGO IN A GAME OF FAVOR EXCHANGES," the sword says, "PAY THIS FAVOR BACK QUICKLY, LEST HE DEMAND A LARGE ONE IN RETURN FOR SEVERAL SUCH SMALL ONES."Are you actually taking advice from a sword now?Well, complimenting your boss can't hurt."Those shoes are pretty snappy, too," you tell him, "alligator?""Dragonhide, actually," he deadpans, "sort of a trophy from a dustup I got into a while back."Your face tightens a little, then he claps a hand on your shoulder."Of course it's alligator!" he tells you, laughing, "did I really get you with that one? By the way," he continues, stepping toward you, "could I hold the sword for a second? I do rather like antiques.""HE SEEKS FOR YOU TO OFFER YOUR SWORD TO HIM," the sword says, "A SYMBOL OF LOYALTY. IF YOU DECLINE, HE MAY SUSPECT REBELLION IN YOUR HEART AND HAVE YOU KILLED.""Chill," you think to the sword, "this is an OFFICE, not the Warring States.""DID HE NOT CALL YOU SAMURAI?" the sword asks, "AND HE AWAITS YOUR ANSWER.">Let Bernie hold the sword>Don't let Bernie hold the sword>WRITE IN[Roll 1d100 for either option]
Rolled 91 (1d100)>>2643461>Let Bernie hold the sword>SWORD REMEMBER YOU ANSWER TO ME, I AM YOUR MASTER. ACT LIKE A NORMAL SWORD AND DO NOT LET HIM TAKE YOU OR ANYTHING.
Rolled 95 (1d100)>>2643461>Let Bernie hold the swordNo way this could go wrong.
>>2643461>>Don't let Bernie hold the sword>nah my wife's family would kill me if something happened to it. Or if someone not in the family touched it. I can pull it and you can look, but no touching.
>>2643461>Let Bernie hold the sword
Rolled 13 (1d100)>>2643461>Don't let Bernie hold the sword
>>264347020:08 - 20:18 Voting Period>>2643472Hot rolls on this one
Rolled 49 (1d100)>>2643474>>2643461roll
Rolled 65 (1d100)>>2643461
Rolled 10 (1d100)>>2643461I support >>2643474This could end badly otherwise.
Rolled 96, 54, 71, 44, 38, 75, 96, 73, 58, 7, 60, 23, 37, 45, 35, 11, 2, 7, 89, 33, 69, 20, 85, 79, 2 = 1209 (25d100)>>2643461I CAN'T MAKE THE CHOICE, SO INSTEAD I OFFER A SACRIFICE OF DICE ROLLS!
>>2643461>Don't let Bernie hold the sword
>>2643461>>Don't let Bernie hold the swordFuck that, get your own, Bern.
>>2643461>Don't let Bernie hold the swordDon't mindfuck our boss yeah?
Rolled 26 (1d100)>>2643461Letting my boss play around with an ancient family heirloom like a toy seems a bit disrespectful to the in-laws.
>>2643461"Sorry, Bernie," you tell him, "but my wife's family would kill me if anything happened to it. Or if anyone outside the family touched it. Letting an in-law have it is pushing it as it is.""They'll trust you with their daughter, but barely with their sword?" Bernie laughs, "alright, just pull it out a bit and let me see the hamon.""MASTERFUL," the sword intones into your mind as you pull the sheath out of your belt to display it, "YOU APPEAL TO A HIGHER AUTHORITY OVER HIM TO AVOID HANDING OVER YOUR SWORD, AND ALSO TELL HIM THAT YOUR SWORD WILL BE RAISED FOR YOUR FAMILY, NOT FOR HIM. TRULY MASTERFUL."Bernie starts smiling when he sees the full scabbard, and he's almost ecstatic looking at the patterns on the blade."I get it now," he says, looking at you over the sword, "this thing's a museum piece. It should be under glass instead of shoved through your belt - and the fittings look like they're original. They have to be the best reproductions I've ever seen," he says, eyes glancing at you sideways, "because cloth and rayskin don't hold up for a thousand years."A thousand years, huh?"HE KNOWS MY NAME," the sword says into your mind, "AND THESE ARE THE ORIGINAL FITTINGS.""Just coincidence," you think at the sword."You'll have to stop by my office to see it every now and again," you tell Bernie, as the elevator dings open, "and I'll think about the glass display case."Then it's another day at the office. Well, sort of. It's not every day you hang a genuine antique on your office wall, and everyone coming in to your office has their attention divided between the sword and your black eye....They only make comments about the sword, though.Before you know it, it's lunchtime. You usually eat in your office.>Spend it cruising occult information online>Text T.T. to make sure he's alive after last night>WRITE IN
>>2643534>Spend it cruising occult information online
>>2643534>Text T.T. to make sure he's alive after last nightJust spit T.T. a message, no more no less>Spend it cruising occult information online
>>264353720:35 - 20:45 Voting Period>>2643474I was looking forward to Bernie holding the sword, but that was a great write-in, so I'm glad people voted for it!
>>2643534>>Spend it cruising occult information online>>Text T.T. to make sure he's alive after last nightwhy not both?
>>2643534>Spend it cruising occult information onlineIt seems our anti-weirdness filter broke last week because we seem to be working as a dragon's accountant.
>>2643534>let me see the hamonOh shit are we a Jojo ?Is our boss a Speedwagon?Why would he say something about breathing techniques?
>>2643534Why not both?Write in: Google How do magical contracts work?
>>2643534>"HE KNOWS MY NAME," the sword says into your mind, "AND THESE ARE THE ORIGINAL FITTINGS.">"Just coincidence," you think at the sword.I now see how this man might not know his wife is a demon and daughter a magical girl.
>>2643534>"HE KNOWS MY NAMEso the sword's name is hamon?
>>2643534>"and I'll think about the glass display case."Our God is a mysteriously benevolent God.I support >>2643543
So, we're really going to do an unfiltered search on our work computer about occult topics immediately after getting a mysterious sword and while knowing that all the law enforcement authorities are corrupted? Lets see where this ends up.
>>2643579You're right, we should also look up some anime and hentai alongside it so we come off as a weeaboo.
>>2643558>>2643568No, the hamon is the blade's pattern. It is basically the blade's finger print.
>>2643579If our boss is a dragon he can handle some shitty demons. The most that happens is HR funnels info on what we're searching up on to the boss.I also just tried to google magical contracts and got nothing but harry potter shit so it's we probably aren't going to find anything during a lunch break.
>>2643585Of course a dragon would be the head of an accounting firm. He can even appraise tje sword just by looming at it. It makes so much sense
>>2643534You slam a text at T.T. perfunctorily: "You still alive, coach?"Then you proceed into researching what historians and folklorists know about the kinds of things you're tangled up in now. Oh, and the occultists.Holy shit, you never realized how much magic there was out there online. The Key of Solomon, Cowley's works, alchemy, all sorts of things.And some of it might be real."You gotten in with any of the Goetia crowd?" you send as a second text to T.T. Wouldn't hurt to let him know you're doing your research.You're getting pretty sure he's a demonic practitioner. Their contracts usually operate on a strict pattern:1. Draw a circle/seal/sigil to bind the thing2. Summon the thing3. Negotiate with the thing to have it do what you want, while giving it something it wants4. Banish the thing or let it leave5. DON'T OPEN THE CIRCLE AT ANY POINT IN THE PROCESS. HOLY SHIT DO YOU WANT TO DIE.Hmm... There's a lot of material out there on summoning and binding demons, and working with inner energy, but very little about absorbing or eating demons?The part of you that resembles your dead weird uncle says "that's because they don't want people to know they can eat demons. They're controlling the information." That guy was a conspiracy theorist, and never amounted to anything, but he was better read than anyone else you've ever met.No mention of contracting with magic rats, at least in the historical/mystical documents....Then there's the fiction. There's a disturbing amount of stuff out there about banging foxgirls/kitsune, and you're half tempted to tell someone on an imageboard "it's all true - I live with one, and she's WILD in bed."You think better of doing it before you hit 'Submit'.And, boy oh boy, are you glad you didn't end up with the Korean version. Your liver's taken so much punishment you're sure it wouldn't be a good snack, but holy shit.And six wings - 'S-Class' probably stands for a fallen six-winged seraph. No wonder Mary and her crew were scared T.T. had gotten that sort of power. You hope you won't encounter any P- T- or D- Classes."POWERS, THRONES, AND DOMINIONS," the sword thinks at you across the room, "YOU'LL FIGHT THEM AND KILL THEM ALL. I SEE THE SEEDS IN YOU."You studiously ignore it.Alright, you've got a decent working knowledge of what's out there - at least the folklore that's trickled down about it.Your phone vibrates. It's T.T."I'm as good as I ever am," he texts, "and some of those guys have gotten me out of a pinch. Reading up on this stuff, hey?"Well, he's alright. That's good.>Time to finish out an uneventful workday>You would finish out your uneventful day, but then someone walks in>WRITE IN
>>2643591Oh God also dragons also fancy rare and antique things to grow I to their pile of collection.OUR BOSS IS A DRAGON AAAAAAAA
>>2643612>You would finish out your uneventful day, but then someone walks inYeah, I'm going to have to ask you to fill in your TPS reports, yeah
>>2643612>You would finish out your uneventful day, but then someone walks in"DAMNIT BOB I did not sit My butt on the scanner again and you know it!">>2643615What if he values us just as much as he values the sword?
>>2643612>>You would finish out your uneventful day, but then someone walks inSeraphim are actually the most powerful fo the bunch. Hierarchy goes lowest to highestangel archangelprincipalitiespowersvirtuesdominionsthrones (aka Ophanim)cherubimseraphimand at the top you get ARCHANGELS, Like Michael, Gabriel, Raphael and once, Lucifer.
>>264361621:09 - 21:19 Voting Period>>2643584This guy gets it. It's a term only someone who knows the subject would use.>>2643568The sword reacted to the mention of "a thousand years".It's name is the Thousand Year Blade, after all.
>>2643612>You would finish out your uneventful day, but then someone walks in>Dragon Bernie who is VERY interested in our katana>You smell like fox you know
>>2643612Reminisce about the crazy ideas our uncle used to have, like the government being run by satanists.I'm starting to suspect he's actually a wizard
>>2643612>You would finish out your uneventful day, but then someone walks in
>>2643612>>You would finish out your uneventful day, but then someone walks inAND ITS FUCKING SUE, CLAIMING SHE IS OUR ASISTANT.
>>2643642How much you wanna bet she pads her bra?
>>2643621arent archangels low tier?
>>2643645there are Archangels and then there are ARCHANGELS. Archangels are only just above normal Angels.ARCHANGELS are the shit kickers that lead the warhost (Michael) or are so charismatic a third of heaven fell t his convincing argument despite them all knowing God is almighty and all knowing(Lucifer)
>>2643643Worse, she has cleaveage on her non existant bust.
>>2643649i call bullshit, but i accept it because i'm at work and cant do some research.
Anyone else think that we should eventually text TT on if it's possible to lock the rats up in a seal meant for demons or something? It's probably not the best idea to let it listen to every idea we have while we brainstorm ways out of the contract that it's probably going to be trying to doing it's damndest to maintain.
>>2643612It's an uneventful afternoon, the monotony broken only by co-workers coming in to ask questions about what should be simple accounting concepts, or about the history of certain clients you know all too well....Then you look at the clock and realize you've been working a good hour and a half of overtime. Maybe more, but you're salaried, so payroll doesn't care.You begin packing things up, getting things in order for the next day."YOU REALLY ARE AN OFFICIAL," the sword intones into your mind, "BUT AT LEAST YOU'RE A GOOD ONE."You ignore it, and continue setting things up for the next day, when your boss walks in.Even if he did get his position by family connections, you can't help but say he works damn hard at it. Even has an armful of paperwork. At seven PM."About those TPS reports," he begins, smirking.You cut him off short: "That's a software thing, and you know full well I'm not on that team. Is this about Bob scanning his ass again?""No," Bernie says, and laughs, "that one's winding its way through HR. I just dropped by to chat. And, actually," he says, fiddling with his collar, "to invite you out for drinks.""HE WANTS," the sword screams into your mind, "TO BUILD A BOND OF PERSONAL LOYALTY WITH YOU. AND PERHAPS EXCHANGE SAKE."...That thing needs to figure out that it's not in a period drama or a Yakuza flick.>Want me to bring the sword?>Sounds good>Sorry, I've got to get back to my family. Surely you can understand?>Got something you wants to get off your chest?>WRITE IN
>>2643660"AND MAYBE HAVE CARNAL RELATIONS WITH YOU," the sword finishes.
>>2643660>Can we reschedule? not really up for bars after my brother in law jumped in one yesterday.
>>2643660>Want me to bring the sword?>Sounds good
>>2643660>Can we reschedule? not really up for bars after my brother in law jumped in one yesterday.That and the wife is quite miffed about my little escapade
>>2643660>I just got in trouble for going out drinking too much last night. >A double date at some swanky restaurant, venue, or something like that with my wife might be a safer bet right now.
>>2643660>Sorry, I've got to get back to my family. Surely you can understand?Our wife would be pissed.
>>2643660Take him to a sake barSince we got this sword and samurai vib
>>2643660>>Sorry, I've got to get back to my family. Surely you can understand?This isn't Japan. We don't neglect our wives to go drinking with the boss.
>>2643660>Can we reschedule? not really up for bars after my brother in law jumped in one yesterday.Because I want the events of last night to be a memory before I even try to go on T.T.'s Wild Ride again.
>>2643660>Sounds good>>But let's keep it soft and short, my wife would kill me this time
>>2643660>>Can we reschedule? not really up for bars after my brother in law jumped in one yesterday.
>>264366421:30 - 21:40 Voting period
>>2643660Changing >>2643670To:>Can we reschedule? not really up for bars after my brother in law jumped in one yesterday.
Reschedule/Got to get back to my family:>>2643664>>2643672>>2643673>>2643675>>2643677>>2643685>>2643689>>2643692>>2643697>Let's Go:>>2643666>>2643667>>2643676>>2643690This seems clear.
>>2643672*yipp'd Not miffedCause dad jokes
>>2643718nah, she is a two at most, she is not a furry.
I've been reading the last two chapter's of this while waiting for a 3D print to finish, and I must say that I have been enjoying it greatly! Can't wait to see what crazy quest this poor dad is taken on next.
>>2643722He can't catch a break....poor dad
>>2643660"Could we reschedule that meeting?" you ask, "I'm not really up for bars after my brother-in-law jumped me at one yesterday."A shadow flits across your boss' face."Trust me," he says, "this place won't be like that. And with that," he continues with a smile, "I'm pretty sure I know where you were last night, 'Shotgun Shogun'."You gaze into two pits. This guy is something. You're not sure what.A few thoughts crowding into your mind scream 'Dragon', but that's just a suspicion."Do I still have a job if I don't go?" you ask, "I'm in a little trouble with my wife over last night, and I'd prefer to not make that permanent.""PUTTING HIM ON THE SPOT!" the sword yells into your head, all too gleefully, "NOW HE HAS TO CHOOSE BETWEEN HAVING YOU TONIGHT, AND HAVING YOU STAY ON.""Of course," he says, smoothly, "and given the situation," he says, grinning, "I'd be surprised if there wasn't some trouble. Not, mmm, just from your wife," he finishes."They're going to want you back for another round," he tells you, "I hear you put on quite a showing.""I don't remember," you lie, "I was blackout the entire time, and woke up with the sword.""Well," he says, turning to leave, "show up blackout sometime. Sounds like you're damn effective like that.""What about a double date?" you ask him, "I think my wife might like that."He fixes you with his eye over his shoulder."That could work," he says, "bring the sword. And I might have some accounts you should take over now.""You understand their world, after all," he says, and you feel something behind him, a presence far beyond your own, trying to crush you.You've felt this sort of thing before. And you stand up from your desk, as if you had two hundred pounds on your shoulders."You're DEFINITELY getting those accounts," he tells you, as the pressure fades.Then he walks out the door."Oh," you hear from the hallway outside, "don't leave that sword here overnight. Someone might steal it.""HE HAS TESTED YOU," the sword says into your mind, "AND HE HAS FOUND YOU WORTHY OF FURTHER ATTENTION."That's pretty good advice, actually, considering that this sword is a family heirloom and museum-grade piece. So you shove it through your belt and leave.The drive home is fast, with little traffic at this time of night. It's not too late when you get home.>Walk in and hug your wife>Walk in and hug Melon/Marion>WRITE IN
>>2643739>Walk in and hug your wife
Now that I think about it. I wonder if we can drain magic from the Rats and if so, how much does each Rat contain for magic? Are they all connected to the source or do they have their own self supplying reservoir?>>2643739>Walk in and (fug and) hug your wife (hard)>Walk in and hug Melon/Marion (gently)
>>2643739>Walk in hug both your girls, Kiss them and then ask them if they have heard of our boss on the supernatural scene.
>>2643739>Walk in and hug Melon/Marion
>>2643739>Walk in and hug Melon/Marion>Walk in and make out with your wife
>>2643739>Walk in and hug your wife>Walk in and hug Melon/Marion
>>264374622:03 - 22:13 Voting Period, you know the drill.
>>2643739>Walk in and hug your wife>Walk in and hug Melon/MarionI wonder do we have a motorcycle in the garage and is there an old belt in the closets?
>>2643739>Hug wife, kiss her on the cheek and generally butter her up incase she doesn't like dragons.>My boss has probably been a dragon this whole time and we might have a double date in the future. Think my good tux still fits?
>Walk in and hug the wife>If Melon/Marion is at home/still awake, do the same
>>2643739I like >>2643772
>>2643739backing this >>2643751
>>2642644>Not that they give a shit... But if the demons run the world, lizard style, I'm sure they'd hold a magical trial to void MG contracts. I mean, they would be getting rid of pests that run around and kill them.>Trusting demon lawyers
>>2643739"Honey, I'm home!" you call out, as you open the door.There's more chatter than you would have expected. Maybe your daughter has friends over?You move into the kitchen and hug your wife."And not smelling of booze this time - that's an improvement," she says, leaning into you, then whispering in your ear, "Melon's got some friends over, and, uh, don't go off on them this time, please?"That's new. You kiss her, and proceed out into the living room, where there's a spirited Mortal Kombat match happening between Sue (the blue haired psycho?) and a redhead boy that you think looks familiar.Oh.He's not wearing sunglasses, and you're not drunk, but you could swear he was the announcer at that back alley brawl last night.You approach silently, and hug your daughter. She jumps a little, then nestles into you. You peck her on the cheek.The match on the TV is pretty intense. Two fighters dancing on a pixel of health. And then suddenly it ends in a fatality."Hey Melon," Sue yells, "Your turn!"Then she turns around and sees you, and the sword still shoved through the belt of your suit....You could swear there are hearts in her eyes."Good evening, sir," the redhead says, turning around with the practiced ease of a bartender, then the facade drops, "holy shit, the Shotgun Shogun!">In the flesh>Why are you here?>I hope dinner is on the table soon, because we're going to need some explanations>WRITE IN
>>2643811>We'll be talking later kiddo. After dinner. >Give Dad glare as he is a boy around our daughter's age in our house.
>>264381522:29 - 22:40 Voting period. Hey, I like round numbers!>>2643722Always glad to have one more person enjoying this crazy fuckup.
>>2643811>I hope dinner is on the table soon, because we're going to need some explanations
>>2643815Supporting because HE MUST PROVE HIMSELF WORTHY OF STANDING IN OUR DOMAIN.
>>2643811>We'll be talking later kiddo. After dinner.>Give Dad glare as he is a boy around our daughter's age in our house.
>>2643811>And you would be?Does that last statement make us think he was in that bar with fake ID or that he's an adult that's apparently been running around with underaged girls?
>>2643811backing this >>2643815YOU MUST PROVE YOURSELF BOI.
>>2643811>>2643815thisand Sue is growing on me.
>>2643811"We'll talk later, kiddo," you say, looking the redheaded boy straight in the face, "after dinner."You give him a withering dad glare (something you learned from your father, watching how he was around your sister's potential boyfriends), and see him, uh, give it back?...Ok, if he works THERE, maybe he has a lot of experience in glares."He's in my class," your daughter says, "and just came over to play a bit with Sue and I."'Play'. So that's what the kids are calling it these days? Well, maybe it's just Mortal Combat, but you still have a bad feeling about this guy."I bartend as a part-time job," the kid says, eyes still fully on yours, "but tonight's my night off. Thank you for welcoming me to your home.""HE IS A HARD WORKER, AND WISHES TO FORM AN ALLIANCE," the sword says into your mind, "AND YOU SHOULD FIND OUT WHETHER HIS FAMILY IS WORTHY OF IT."You could really do without the sword giving you Warring States parenting advice. After a few minutes of reading during your lunch break, you're sure that's where it gets its ideas.And the redheaded kid is still staring at you, with wide, gold eyes that speak of untold horrors witnessed, absorbing your Dad Glare into their depths, as if it pales before other things he's seen.Then Sue breaks the tension."Can I hold it?" she asks you, "Please? I just had to see your sword after Melon sent me that picture!"She's talking about the sword shoved through your belt, right?Right.You catch a glimpse of your wife smiling, so this obviously isn't the 'sword' she'd protect.>Let her hold it>No, I'm afraid not>WRITE IN
>>2643859Also, I want 1d100 rolls on every option.
Rolled 56 (1d100)>>2643859>No, I'm afraid noSorry, kid. Family only.
Rolled 8 (1d100)>>2643859>ask my wife, it's her family's sword.
Rolled 18 (1d100)>>2643859>>No, I'm afraid notentirely out of safely and the fact theres a warring states spirit in our sword, i mean i kinda want to just to see the result, but then again the sword might do some shit.
Rolled 40 (1d100)>>2643859>No, I'm afraid not>It's a family heirloom and I'm afraid you might break it by accident.>But if you still want to touch it, you'll have to ask my wife for her permission.
>>2643859>ask my wife, it's her family's sword.
Rolled 59 (1d100)>>2643859Hell no, you can't
>>2643870Nigga pls roll, our lives depend on it!
Rolled 1 (1d100)>>2643859>>2643870oops, forgot dice
Rolled 51 (1d100)>>2643859>>Let her hold it
Rolled 3 (1d100)>>2643859>Ask my wife
>>2643875Oh this should be good.
>>2643875NO SCRATCH THAT DON'T ROLL! WE MADE A TERRIBLE ERROR!
>>2643809Trust them to fuck over their enemies
>>264386522:53 - 23:03 voting period, you know the drill>>2643875Those dice should have stayed forgotten.
>>2643886The harder the situation, the more badass we look when we bullshit our way out. My dice roll was completely intended.
Rolled 66 (1d100)>>2643869+1>>2643880>>2643886rip
>>2643859"I'm afraid not," you manage to tell the little smiling face in front of you, "It's a family heirloom. My wife's family. Museum quality, and they'd all be after you if you broke it. And they're not people," you grimace, "that you want after you.""So," she asks, looking up at you, "does that mean I need to ask her for permission?""Yeah," you say, "go ask her."She runs off to the kitchen, and you turn back to the two teenagers in front of you."YOU HAVE SAID YOUR SWORD IS NOT YOURS," the sword speaks into your mind, "BUT BELONGS TO YOUR WIFE, AND HER FAMILY. IT MAY WORK WITH YOUR LORD," and you internally scoff - a boss isn't a feudal lord, "BUT IT IS A DANGEROUS PATH - CEDING YOUR BLADE TO ANOTHER'S WILL.""It doesn't matter," you think at the sword, "as long as it's the will of someone I trust.""So," you ask them, confident your wife will say 'no', "I heard there was a spot in the rotation.""You can have mine," Marion says, and flits off toward the kitchen, "I'm not too good at Mortal Kombat.""So," you ask the redhead teenager, "Who do you play?""Everyone," he says, giving you another glance from those destroyed eyes, "I just play my opponents, not a character."You grab...>PICK A MORTAL KOMBAT CHARACTER
>>2643913Scorpion. He's the dude on the box art. he must be good.
Who is the most dadesque of Mortal Kombat characters? I think it needs to be an MK1 character but I don't know which one.
>>2643928Probably Raiden. He's an Elder God who advises Earthrealm and doesn't afraid of anything.
>>264392723:22 - 23:32 voting period
Rolled 95 (1d100)>>2643859Nope.
>>2643913Raiden because >>2643934 thinks it works.
>>2643941>>2643913Derp. ignore that. it's almost 3 am. >Scorpion- The undead champion of eternal dad rage.
>>2643913Johnny Cage>>2643941Where were you earlier?
>>2643913Smoke. If he's not there or already taken then Scorpion.
>>2643951Half passed out from lack of sleep.
>>2643927>He's the dude on the box art. he must be good.Consider this: We are old enough to have played Mortal Kombat in the arcade and seen the creation of the ESRB. Mortal Kombat is likely /our/ game that we use to unwind after work.
>>2643913Liu Kang.Even though we're better with Shang Tsun since he can copy other players styles.
>>2643961He was the character all the cool kids played then.Unless we pick Reptile because he was awesome as the secret boss in MK1. They wouldn't nerf him too badly, right?
>>2643961We'd probably be the kind of guy who has his own button and joystick controller just for mortal kombat right?
>>2643913Sub-ZeroObviously because we're a COOL dad
In any case I hope we have a fight stick hidden in our garage. One we only bring out when particularly bothersome clients come around and we need to unwind with plain old Mortal Kombat
>>2643976>>2643913The potential for bad puns with Sub-Zero is too high.Oh my god. Thisbkidnis probably too toung to have seen Batman and Robin and we can just steal Arnold/Mr. Freeze quotes the entire time we play against him.Then we can switch to Liu Kang and destroy him with FISTS OF JUSTICE after upsetting him by being more focused on freezing him and making puns at the expense of actually winning.Nothing more frustrating than being disregarded, especially since he stood up to our Dad Stare.
>>2643913You're not quite sure who to pick, as you vault over onto the couch. There are so many options, and you think about going with the guy on the box art, but finally decide on Raiden.He's really the only character on the roster you know how to use well. Nobody in this house really plays the game seriously, just going for flashy moves and hoping the opponent doesn't block.You are a taoist Thunder God, and you are facing some fool with boxing gloves.You used to play this in the arcade when you were a kid, so the controllers have always felt a little odd.But you're still going to school this kid.This guy is reading your teleports like there's no tomorrow for him if he loses, a weird intensity punctuated by his looks over at you as you play.It he really judging what you'll do by the minute motions you make?Then you'll make those motions too large to read. You flail the controller like a madman, throwing moves half at random, hoping something hits....and a lot of things hit. That superman move is pretty good.This is it. Everything's down, and you're both at a pixel of health, playing for footsies.Then you land a lucky jab, and the TV screams "FINISH HIM!"So you do.By that point, everyone is in the living room, watching the madness unfold.The redhead kid looks at you, then says "so you got it.""Yeah," you tell him, "I was playing this in arcades before you were born. Figured out what you were doing pretty fast, if I do say so myself.""No wonder you're the Shotgun Shogun," he says, and drops the controller, "I'd hate to go up against you for real.""I have," Sue says from behind you, "and your wife says I can try the sword."...That's not what you thought you'd hear, and you look over at your wife, who's twitching her tails with a grin."The Thousand Year Blade hasn't gotten a chance like this in ages," she says, "communing with two people in one day? That's beyond its wildest sheathed dreams."Well, you told her that she could do it if your wife said yes, and maybe it's just bad luck that this is happening."Fine," you say, "but we're going outside for this."Everyone follows you to the backyard, and you hand the sword to Sue.She pulls the blade out a few inches, and even you can feel the pressure.Your daughter and the redheaded boy have gritted their teeth, but your wife still has that grin on her face.Then Sue fully unsheathes it, holding the blade like she did when you first met her.>Tackle Sue>Just stand back>Fatherly advice [WRITE IN]>WRITE IN[And give me those 1d100 dice, please]
Rolled 7 (1d100)>>2643995
Rolled 32 (1d100)>>2643995>Just stand back
Rolled 42 (1d100)>>2643995>Fatherly advice [WRITE IN]"Don't listen to the ghost telling you to kill"
Rolled 24 (1d100)>>2643995>That is not how you hold a sword.
Rolled 96 (1d100)>>2643995>>WRITE IN...Oh tarnation... DON'T YOU DARE.
Rolled 11 (1d100)>>2643995>Fatherly advice [WRITE IN]"Remember, you have to be the one in control. Not the blade. Do not be led by the blade."
>>2644007"don't listen to the blade! he's a well intentioned asshole!"
Rolled 49 (1d100)>>2643995>Just stand backGrab popcorn, this gon be good.
Rolled 60 (1d100)>>2643995I'm assuming we at least gave her suitable distance for posing and if she wanted a selfie or something.>Push redhead in front of you and hand him a camera>You two kids have fun and make sure not to poke an eye out.>Casually mention you suspect that your boss is a dragon to your fluffy hunny bunny.
Rolled 46 (1d100)>>2643995Remember - step IN to the attack and give her a Glasgow Kiss if she tries anything.
Rolled 58 (1d100)>Sue, no listening to the voice in your head telling you to kill!Also, does anyone else want to casually mention to the wife that we have a potential double date with our boss, oh and we're like 95% sure he’s a dragon and/or wants to bang us?Just to see the look on her face?
>>2644039We mentioned the double date. We already pointed out we aren't interested via mentioning out wife.I f he wants to continue from there then he can deal with his entire company turning on him after HR gets informed of his attempted booty plundering during a time when after accusations go public he's not screwed in the way he wants to be. I think he values his company/wealth enough to not risk losing it like that.
Rolled 41 (1d100)>>2643995>Fatherly advice "lead the sword, not the other way around."Then talk to our fluffy buns about our boss being a dragon and possibly going on a double date.
>>2644054I think the not interested was for going out for drinks, we then made an offer of a double date instead, and he accepted and told us to bring our sword.And wanting to bang us doesn't mean he's gonna go full sexual predator on us man, this isn't quite that kind of quest.
>>2644060I'm no expert as social cues, but I think mentioning your partner in marriage after being propositioned is a giant blaring not interested sign when it comes to adultery. Her presence also shields us from any further attempts at seduction if they're the type of idiot that finds matrimonial dedication to be an even hotter reason to seduce a person.
>>2644062You seem to be confusing "wanting to bang us" with "actively pursuing us" and "any chance in hell we'd cheat on our superhot nympho possibly half-succubus-because-holy-shit fox wife".Also, anime tropes, man. This quest is not the epitome of serious real-world matters. And in any case we can deal with it if it comes up down the line.
>>2644075In all honestly I felt like it's more like you're the one who was taking it out of proportion after my first response and I followed that lead you were making.Probably just a mutual misunderstanding and mentioning that X wants to bang us after we already tried to avoid dealing her finding out that Sue wants to bang us seems out of character unless we really want our wife to take that as a serious threat.
>>2644082More like the sword was actually right, and our Boss wants us to be part of his power base or "gang" now that we're stepping into this world.And that's fine so ling as he's willing to go to war against the Rats. We just have to create an alliance of "natural" Demons and fallen Magical Girl demons to overwhelm them.We should also really clear things up with our own pet rat. Namely that it's too late and he's on our side anyways because of the magical shotgun thing, so his only hope of survival is for us to win.He should know firdt hand what kind of bastards he's working for, whereas we're uninterested in anything except saving our Daughter + we're willing and able to stand up against our own allies as much as our enemies to uphold our standards.So really, even if we never like each other, we're the least likely to kill him when all is said and done.Because we're probably the only person he'll meet that sees something wrong with murder for convenience, or fun, or spite, or accidentally due to malicious negligence.
>>2644098Now it's definitely a mutual misunderstanding here since you jumped straight into yakuza territory out of nowhere when our character doesn't believe the sword.
>>2644082I doubt that dragon boss wants to bang us. Bernie seemed more interested in the fact that we seem to be able to resist massive amounts of spiritual pressure. He likely seems to want us to take on the cases of various troublesome supernatural beings. I'd guess the kind of accounts he wants us to deal with are things like Shuten Douji's taxes, insuring the Queen of Darkness' crown jewels, Zeus' paternity payments, etc.>>2644098Bernie seemed worried that we could (and would) kick his ass in order to claim the firm.I'm starting to suspect considering how we've no sold both Goddess Harriet's and Dragon Bernie's spiritual pressure that Dad might actually be a Hero (or Big Bad) suppressing a ton of shit. We likely have a custom bike under a tarp in the garage and a very fancy belt tucked away in the closet.
>>2643654Michael wields a sword made of fire as long as the River Nile.
>>2644106Now that I stopped to think about it, new work at the firm means we need to negotiate a new pay increase and contract(nonmagical) if it turns out to be something other than mundane accounting of magical assets since anything else probably doesn't count as the work we're hired to do.
>>2644103Our character doesn't believe in the sword, but that doesn't mean the Dragon doesn't believe in the sword.We already work for him in one capacity, makes sense he would scout us for another now that we're suddenly stirring shit up as an apparently baseline human which honestly most likely makes them all quite nervous since that premise is ridiculous so OBVIOUSLY we're just strong enough to hide our strength.>>2644106I think it would be most fun if we didn't really have any special power, we just don't have an appropriate frame of reference for all this and so we just ignore what should be terrifying power levels.Our secret powe is literal shounen density that denies supernatural fear and insanity inducing powers and creatures by putting them in a little box labeled "No Time for this Bullshit" and ignoring it.
Did Haiku fall asleep on his floor again?
>>2644117then if you say something like that>Final fight>you being almost scratchless despite being in war with magical rats>your nakama/family is kinda out of breath>BBEG stands in your way>Dad: Can we just talk this? I have the grill and Dad beers>BBEG:......>few minutes later>BBEG: And my daughter said DAD I MUST KILL HUMANS and i said NO DAUGHTER YOU ARE HUMAN and he is the cutest i mean look at this picture>the rest of our party just look at us in death glare and stare realizing their fight are meaningless
>>2644109and cherubs are wheels of eyes and fire (or are those thrones); regardless, biblic powerlevels are weird