Inspired by the "results of a nat 20" thread, I bring you.ROLL FOR EVERYTHING QUEST.You awaken to almost total darkness, /tg/.The alarm to your left is silent, and reads 4:45, with the light for PM not there.Your bed is extremely comfortable, but you can't get back to sleep. Who are we, and what do we do?
Also "dice 1d20" goes in the E-mail field.
We are a male teacher for an all girls school, grades 10-12.
>>8730659Not if you don't roll for it we're not.
I am Ian, the average Marine Corps recruit reject. I miss my rifle and I am scared, so I masturbate.
rolled 13 = 13We're a detective hunting Carmen Sandiego.
Damn it, I am Ian, the sorta average Marine Corps recruit reject. I miss my rifle and I am scared, so I masturbate.
>>8730665Roll what, dumbshit? What's the success?
>>8730676We are, in fact, a detective hunting Carmen Sangiedo. Unfortunately, we still don't remember our name.
rolled 18 = 18>>8730702Dirk Thunderbolt
rolled 12 = 12>>8730692our name is Alpharius
>>8730706>>8730707Your name is Dirk Thunderbolt, but one of your friends calls you "Alpharius" for some reason.We are still in bed, and the red alarm clock is reading 4:50Wat do
rolled 12 = 12>>8730721get up, start coffeemaker, flip on tv
rolled 2 = 2>>8730721See if we have morning wood.
rolled 10 = 10Hit the internet, looking for signs of the mysterious woman in red.
rolled 3 = 3Urinate.
>>8730731You get up with a little bit of zip in your step and start the coffee machine, the TV turns onto some early morning news channel that is talking about whether or not eggs are bad for you.The coffee finishes fairly quickly and you take a sip, waking up a bit. Wat do nao?>>8730735You have erectile dysfunction.
>>8730762The coffee shoots right through you, and you barely manage to get to the sink to pee there, your bathroom being too far away.You manage to pee on your hand.
rolled 7 = 7Have sex with our hot red-head partner who may (even number) or may not (odd number) be a man.
rolled 20 = 20Wash hands.
rolled 3 = 3>>8730765NOOOOOrollan for fixed penis
>>8730802Your aformentioned erectile disfunction makes this prove difficult, also, you have difficult finding him.Because he does not exist. You remind yourself not to drink so much.
OP, see >>8730750
rolled 12 = 12>>8730826We try to remind ourselves not to drink so much, right before reaching for a bottle of vodka.
>>8730807Your hands come back immaculately clean, smelling like a forest in spring time. Everything you touch seems to become cleaner. >>8730824You also have herpes.
rolled 5 = 5REMOVE PANTSBECOME A BARBARIAN
>>8730848>>8730750You irish up your coffee a little bit before hitting the tubes.CARMEN SANDIEGO STILL MISSING. Was the headline of your favorite news website.No shit sherlock.
>>8730824Steeeeempy, you eeeeeeeeediot! Our penis is now ruined forever!
>>8730850You attempts to remove your pants, but fall over and smack your head on a wall.
rolled 3 = 3>>8730849Touch my penis with my supernaturally clean hands in an attempt to cure it.
>>8730879You now have hand herpes.Clean though they are.
rolled 8 = 8remember some thing what was overheard last night about Carmen Sandiego
rolled 9 = 9DRESS UP IN OUR BEST DETECTIVE CLOTHESGET ON A FLIGHT FOR HONG KONGIT'S TIME TO FIND THAT RED BITCH
rolled 19 = 19>>8730879Wash hands again...
>>8730898You painfully remember your friends making fun of your incompetence in not finding her.
rolled 19 = 19>>8730891Rolling to see if what Carmen Sandiego has stolen this time is the cure to Herpes and/or erectile dysfunction.
rolled 4 = 4Put some gloves on. And a penis glove. Let's look at the last heist Carmen did.
>>8730902>>8730903You put on a pair of golf pants, a ratty trench coat, and a dress shirt, and wash your hands before you leave, curing them of herpes.You are driving to the airport, wat do.
rolled 7 = 7>>8730923Put some tunes on. Namely, the Pokemon Forever CD.
>>8730913Carmen has stolen both of those things.>>8730920Unfortunately you don't know this yet.
>>8730936Your radio starts blaring country uncomfortably loudly.
rolled 10 = 10Rolling to see our standing in the hierachy of "people who search for Carmen Sandiego"
rolled 11 = 11Grab Carmen Sandiego by reaching out of the car at random.
rolled 16 = 16I roll to find Carmen Sandiego.
rolled 17 = 17>>8730950Fuck. Let's try to ignore that, then, and keep driving.
>>8730960You work for the guy who works for the guy who works for the head guy.
>>8730968You grab a brown haired woman in a red hat.>>8730969Who turns out to be Carmen Sandiego's niece.>>8730980Who is now being dragged by you at 35MPH
rolled 17 = 17I roll to develop the superpower of flight
rolled 18 = 18>>8730981Call them all to demand resources for the search... and a promotion.inb4fired
rolled 4 = 4>>8730995I demand she tell us where to find Carmen Sandiego!
>>8730999You are now hovering 5 feet in the air while dragging Sangiedo's niece. She not pleased by this turn of events.
>>8731001You are now second in command and have 2kmonies.>>8731008She punches you in the cock and runs away.
rolled 17 = 17>>8731009I seduce the niece and turn to a life of crime as Carmen Sandiego's lieutenant.
rolled 19 = 19Catch Carmen Sandiego as she tries to steal our vehicle.
rolled 10 = 10>>8731027And take her snazzy red trenchcoat.
rolled 20 = 20Fall in love with Carmen Sandiego
>>8731025You yell "IMA PUT MAH DICK IN UR BUTT" as she runs away.She turns around, smiling.1 month later, you are now working for Carmen Sandiego. He's a former detective with multiple voices in his head, she's a sexy red-obsessed crime queenpin.They cause crime.
rolled 12 = 12>>8731042Threesome with her and the niece?
>>8731027>>8731038>>8731042THESE WORK TOGETHER VERY WELL
>>8731027>>8731042Even though you work for her now, she tries to jack your vehicle, you catch her in the act and fall madly in love.She feels the same, and is now your unconditional love slave.
rolled 13 = 13>>8731064SWEET. Then... cue the threesome!
>>8731047>>8731038You have a hawt threesome while wearing the slightly-too-small-for-you red trenchcoat.
rolled 10 = 10Ask her to cure our erectile disfunction
rolled 7 = 7>>8731064Did we just give Carmen Sandiego herpes?
rolled 6 = 6Ultimate trollingRealize this is all a dream.
>>8731078She does so. Also herpes.
rolled 1 = 1>>8731086Ask her if she can cure our ebola too.
>>8731083She had the cure.>>8731085You wake up and realize this is all a dream.But then look around and realize you're sleeping next to her and wearing her clothes. You smile.
rolled 7 = 7Grow a fifty foot cock and choke Carmen to death.
>>8731092You did not have Ebola before.Guess what you have now? AIDS.
The first "ROLL FOR EVERYTHING" quest was better, despite the fact that we died 6 or 7 times.
>>8731092Immediately forget this idea before asking her.
>>8731111You try really hard, but all you manage to get is an erection.Which is by itself pretty cool.
rolled 18 = 18Help Carmen plan her next great heist: steal the cure to AIDS so we can have more hot threesomes.
rolled 18 = 18Kill yourself because of AIDS.
>>8731118Didn't we die instantly in that one? rolled a three to keep breathing or something?
rolled 19 = 19Die eight times, then resurrect and have a lovey dovey scene with Carmen.>>8731118
>>8731112AIDS is a considerable improvement on Ebola.
>>8731135After a week of planning, you two break into the whitehouse and steal the cure for AIDS together, scaring the shit out of everybody in the country.
>>8731141You get shot 8 times in the head by snipers, but Carmen rescues you and resurrects you with mouth to mouth.
rolled 7 = 7>>8731148Hire the world's best fucking PR team and start CarmenCorp, distributing the cure to AIDS and other things that governments and corporations across the world have kept under wraps!tl;dr cure AIDS, get rich
rolled 8 = 8Die and end the quest forever.
>>8731176The bank wont lend you the money on account of your massive head injuries and criminal record.
rolled 3 = 3Carmen gets pregnant, leaves us forever.
rolled 20 = 20Wash hands again. It feels right.
>>8731180You burn your mouth on hot tea and have suck on ice for a few seconds.
rolled 3 = 3Try to suck your own cock. Or make Carmen grow 17 cocks with SCIENCE.
>>8731194Carmen is infertile.>>8731197GOD DAMN YOU ARE GOOD AT WASHING YOUR HANDS. You hands are now clean.Forever.
>>8730807>>8730903>>8731197Holy shit. We're the best handwasher in history.
rolled 1 = 1>>8731197Rub hands on ground.
>>8731206Your penis shrinks half an inch.
rolled 12 = 12Carmen is a man, we are Carmen Sandiego.
rolled 5 = 5Fly me to the moon and let me play amongst the stars
rolled 5 = 5Wash our hands. Again.
>>8731224You miss and accidentally rub your hands on the sky.
rolled 9 = 9>>8731242Pull the sky down to our level.
>>8731233Carmen buys a strap on.>>8731237You jump and hit your head on a cabinet>>8731241And then wash your already clean hands, your wrists become dirty.
rolled 1 = 1Stay alive
>>8731271You fucking explode.Except your hands.They will remain until the end of time.
rolled 19 = 19Get raped, never recover.
rolled 2 = 2>>8731271Motherfucker. Don't die.
>>8731284Somebody rapes your hands.
rolled 19 = 19Rip off your cock and shove it your own ass.Look and see if our hands are still clean.
>>8731265Carmen BUYS a strapon?As in, doesn't steal it?What.
>>8731294The exploded bits of your cock lodge themselves in the exploded bits of your ass.Your hands remain immaculate.
rolled 18 = 18Ghost possesses Carmen Sandiego.
rolled 9 = 9>>8731281>Except your hands.>They will remain until the end of time.Become the best pianist in the world.
>>8731298This is /tg/, I assumed buy meant steal here.
rolled 2 = 2Shake your own hand.
rolled 8 = 8Use still-functioning hands to piece self together again.
rolled 15 = 15Find a way to make our hands dirty.
rolled 11 = 11Remain dead
>>8731314You are now inside Carmen Sandiego, in the spiritual way rather than the way you were formerly.>>8731315You dont know how to play the piano.>>8731321You miss and accidentally put your hands in your mouth.
>>8731271Imbue eternally clean hands with incredible divine power.Use hands of the everclean to take over the underworld now that we're dead.
>>8731352You continue to be a ghost posessing Carmen Sandiego.>>8731339Your new girl hands are dirty now.
rolled 8 = 8>>8731358Forgot mah roll.
rolled 13 = 13Become Thing of the Addams Family with one hand.Use the other to elope with Ladyfingers(+1 nostalgia point if you remember that).
rolled 17 = 17Transplant our immaculate hands onto Carmen's breasts.
rolled 6 = 6Tear off our tits.
>>8731371You make your hands crawl onto your newly begotten shoulders.
rolled 9 = 9>>8731363Become slutty.
rolled 8 = 8Spawn from the Carmen's chest like an alien.
>>8731379You now have prehensile, if ugly, titties.
>>8731384You feel like going to church.>>8731386This does not occur.
rolled 9 = 9Ascend to godhood
rolled 6 = 6Do drugs, summon Chaos demons,. dance.
>>8731412You don't feel like going to church any more.
rolled 6 = 6Use our hand-tits to masturbate.
>>8731417You smoke some oregano. >>8731420You accidentally poke yourself in the eye.
rolled 20 = 20Become a space marine/SoB
rolled 6 = 6Release power of possession to equal share of body. Use immaculate hands to shlick Carmen.
rolled 14 = 14Become satan
rolled 17 = 17>>8731438Get corrupted.
>>8731438You are now 8 feet tall, and wearing red and white armor.You see a bald man in similar armor approaching you."BATTEL BROTHHA!!!" he yells entirely too loudly.
rolled 20 = 20Cause the immaculate cleanliness of our hands to spread over the rest of Carmen.
rolled 3 = 3>>8731450Go into rehab, join the Greater Good, get turned into a half-Necron.
rolled 9 = 9>>8731456Commit heresy
>>8731450You feel the chaos taint overtaking you.>>8731458And then receding, as you are now immaculately clean in both body and soul.
>>8731469>>8731467You feel a little guilty and dont know why.
rolled 20 = 20Steal the Golden Throne.
rolled 16 = 16>>8731456>BROTHER>possessing CarmenThis man is clearly defective in the head. Break his neck using our sexy thighs.
>>8731493YOU ARE NOW THE EMPEROR.10 MILLENNIA OF PAIN DRIVES YOU TO TEAR THE LIFE SUPPORT SYSTEMS FROM YOUR BODY AND STAND.A NEARBY TECHPRIEST SHITS HIMSELF AND EXPLODES.
rolled 20 = 20>>8731493Flush the golden toilet
rolled 18 = 18>>8731510GO ROCK INTO THE EYE OF TERROR!
rolled 11 = 11Wash our Imperial hands.
>>8731506Light years away, Indrick Boreale dies.You're the emperor now after all.
>>8731517The golden "throne" flushes away your waste.And chaos. All of it. >>8731520You do so, all the traitor marines surrender to your holy will.>>8731526You do so, after beating abbaddon up.
>>8731520I love you for this idea and this roll.
rolled 11 = 11Dance. It's disko time
rolled 14 = 14Deal with terranids
rolled 10 = 10Sleep with everyone in the Imperium. As the catcher.
rolled 14 = 14IT IS TIME TO REBUILD THE IMPERIUMFlush out the corruption and xenophobia. With the tain of chaos gone, we must leverage the warp to rebuild the Empire of Man and bring peace and prosperity to all our worlds.
>>8731578>>8731579You shake your bootay, afterwards everyone claps.You then destroy a hive fleet, at the cost of only a few billion guardsmen.
rolled 14, 8 = 221.Go find Cultist. Snort a line of crack off her tits. 2.Hang out with Chaos gods+Gork and Mork like one big Family.
rolled 20 = 20>>8731600>Flush out the corruption and xenophobia.And then flush all the aliens and heretics, just to be sure
>>8731600The ecclesiarchy either dies or forms a splinter group of a few planets.None of the aliens wants to work with you except the Tau.Almost every planet unites under your banner.Shit's pretty OK now.
(Incidentally, this is the best damn Six Word RPG game in ages.)
>>8731615You would do so, except.>>8731629Everyone who dislikes you with you is flushed into the warp.Forever.Also the admech stops hating progress.
rolled 1 = 1>>8731654rollan for the spam bot.
Wash my hands again.
rolled 16 = 16Become a little girl of god like power Wearing a funny hat
rolled 15 = 15>>8731662Sex up macha.
>>8731675Whatever the spambot wants, the opposite happens.And his mother gets cancer.
rolled 16 = 16Fine, go snort a line of a SoB's tits/ass.Also, did we just move the plot of 40k ahead in like 5 minutes?
rolled 17 = 17Oops wrong field.Wash my hands again.
rolled 6 = 6Do magic
>>8731684You become a Touhou.In golden armor.With trillions of people that love you and think you are a god. >>8731690She flushed yo.
rolled 19 = 19>>8731713>She flushed yo.Get her out of the warp. Just for that one time.
>>8731697You do so, afterwards >>8731698 you wash your hands again.
rolled 18 = 18Travel back in time and stop the Iron Men from causing the Age of Strife.
rolled 2 = 2Fuck all of our followers. EVERY SINGLE ONE. UP THE ASS, IN THE VAG, IN THE MOUTH, IT DOESN'T MATTER.
>>8731732You do so, she becomes your queen.The galaxy is fixed forever, and soon there will be tons of Half eldar kiddies running around.Good end.
rolled 17 = 17>>8731713Using my danmaku powers, I prove that there is such a thing as enuff dakka.
>>8731746Also you get erectile disfunction again.
rolled 16 = 16The OP will do a new thread.
rolled 13 = 13>>8731767The OP will not.
>>8731746Thank god we got an end before that happened. It didn't seen like it would have gone well.Maybe would would have gotten ED again?
rolled 94 = 94>>8731775Too late, we got it anyways.
>>8731774>>8731767Fuck. I'll do another one tomorrow.Quest threads are like fake sugar.They're pretty cool, until you have too much.And then you get cancer.
rolled 18 = 18>>8731774I use my charisma to convince OP to please do another thread.
rolled 1 = 1>>8731807Rolling to see if I avoid getting cancer.
>>8731829Botched that roll. Enjoy your cancer.
rolled 5 = 5>>8731829I swear loudly and terrifyingly.
>Finally finish reading threadMY SIDES ARE IN PAIIIN
rolled 11 = 11Roll for this all to of never happened