Meanwhile in /tg/ Keep...
Stop opening the gate for every busty goblin that shows up, we have too many as it is.
>>67515173Hear ye, hear ye! Be ye reminded that the garderobe is to be shut after EVERY use!
Hey guys, this sexy elf merchant that keeps coming to the keep I think is hitting on me. They gave me an acorn the other day. Is that meaningful or something?
WHICH ONE OF YOU CHUCKLEFUCKS SMOKED MY PIXIE DUST?
>>67515250You idiot, you don't smoke pixie dust. You snort it, obviously. Now, uh, if you excuse me, I need to go blow my nose.
>>67515226>He hasn't opened the acorn yet
>>67515202I feel we could use more busty goblins to balance the catgirl problem.
>>67515289Wait, what? I'm supposed to open it? But how? And why? I need a loremonger to help me out here.
YOU CAN'T KEEP CRINGING AT EVERYTHING!I WILL GODDAMN *MAKE* YOU HAVE FUN
WHO THE FUCK PAINTED THE SUITS OF ARMOR?THE BLACKSMITH SAID IF YOUR GONNA AINT THEM, USE TWO THIN COATS OF PAINT NOT ONE THICK ONE!!!!!!!
>>67515344You bofoon, just open it, or your parents never taught you how to open the acorn? If so, anon, I'm truly sorry
guys we really need to deal with the grognard problem, they keep crawling out of the sewers and yelling about OSR and its keeping the wizard from concentrating on studying his doujins
>>67515318WE don't have a catgirl problem, YOU have a catgirl problem. Mine are all perfectly well behaved.
>>67515173Look, I'm just saying, it's too easy for the halberdiers to unseat the knights. Their build is busted.
>>67515173I've eaten all the food but 6 lbs of cheese, pissed in every cask of ale, and taken a dump down the well.Now I'm lighting the bridge on fire.Simple As.
>>67515713Maybe you should learn to knight better Sir Fagalot
>>67515344You literally just crack it open man. There's a name and phone number in there for her leaf business.
>>67515661Just put the art of a slightly tanned human being at the exit of every sewer, they will keep screaming at it for being "pandering" or "libtard propaganda"
>>67515202What about busty orcs?We can let busty orcs in, right?
Can the paladins stop trying to use turn undead on me? I’m not a fucking vampire I’m just pale
>>67515927last time we lost half our workforce 'cause some stupid motherfuckers thought that orc facesitting could end with anything but broken skulls. then again, half orcs are really good at heavy work and security, so its a matter of weighting our losses and gains
>>67515954Likely story you leech with legs. You get uppity with me again and by Pelor you will get the stake and bake
NYA HA HASTUPID MORTALSI, IXIS THE PLAGUEBEARER HAVE COME TO THROW ROCKS AT YOUR WINDOWS!NOW YOU WILL HAVE TO FIX THEM, WHICH COSTS RESOURCESRESOURCES THAT COULD'VE BEEN USED TO PREPARE AGAINST MY UNSTOPPABLE HORDE OF THE DEADI, IXIS THE PLAGUEBEARER AM A DEVIOUS VILLAINNYUCK NYUCK NYUCK
>>67516038Ixis, get the fuck back in your crypt, nobody cares about your bad comedy routine.Someone get the necromancer who summoned this fucking idiot.
>>67516052STUPID MORTALI, IXIS THE PLAGUEBEARER AM UNSTOPPABLETODAY I MAY RETREAT, BUT DO NOT REST EASY, FOR I SHALL RETURN TOMORROWWITH TIMMY, MY PET RAT, WHO SHALL NIBBLE ON YOUR GRAINS AND PUT HOLES IN YOUR TROUSERS
>>67515173Yoooo, a priestess just scored us some anti magic pendants, who up for teaching those wizard collage dorks a lesson?
>Be me a month ago>Standing by the lookout>Travelling troupe comes by>Look like honest folk, let them in>We have festivities, listen to music, eat well, the lot>Score a night with a fair maiden>Next day wake up real early, as I often do>She's awake>And naked>And half goat>mfw I realize we let in some disguised feyI promised her I'd keep her secret if she came back, but she hasn't and now I'm worried they may have done some arcane trickery somewhere in the keep
>>67516260Hey brah, I'm down to clown with those cloistered dweebs. Gimme an amulet and we'll have a good ole wizard thrash!
Now that we have beheaded all SJWs, dipped their heads in tar and placed them on spikes as a warning, what should we do now bros?
>>67516435I heard the North Judicar Warriors are coming to avenge their comrades
>>67516370Oh, fuck, is that what I stepped in last night?
Whick one of you is the damn butler?! This guy from Polythreme, I think? He says he has a teaset for sale, not sure why he kept saying it's self serving.
>>67516117I’ll have my rat, sir pickle toes, play with your rat thus foiling you once again!
>>67516370Let me give you some advice Before you plunge into any maiden thriceWomen, tiefling to fairy, follow the same ruleDon't let your lower head think for the upperIf that bitch be crazy, don't stick in your toolAnd check for wings before you go to supper
>>67516580Something ood about that teaset, but I can't quite put my finger on it...
Anyone remembered to stock up on grain for the winter?
back to quest retards
>>67515250sorry bro, she asked me to smoker her
>>67516780Can someone see this pleb out? Thanks.>>67516580Oh, shit, that's mine.Yeah, so you gotta keep an eye on these, apparently. They go running all over the place, and they like to scream a lot.
>>67516908Oh, yes. The better alternative is HOW WOULD X DO IN 40K on repeat. Go be a unpaid tattler somewhere else, maybe you'll catch someone posting about brown people.
>>67516981yes, it is. now go back to your shitty containment board for zero iq losers
>>67517013Why don't you go put on a sheriff's outfit and go play in traffic? It would make 4chan and by extension the world a better place.
I know this is an unpopular opinion and the keep is literally under a spell to prevent us from saying that the wizardocracy might not be the current best form of government, but is no one else even a LITTLE bothered that every fully autonomous saucepan, broom, paperweight and fax machine our overlords have themselves enchanted gets as much of a vote on referendums as we do?
>>67517261Not gonna lie, the fax machine getting a say in government is kind of ludicrous.I mean, you might as well animate a rock and give it a vote too.
Quit touching my armor. I worked very hard to earn it
>>67517153lmao seething questniggers
>>67517298I don't mind the faxmachine, but that goddamned printer keeps voting for ink embargos. It's like it wants to be unhappy.
>>67517360According to the chart, I'm going to tell you to cope hotpockets.
Guys, where's my 3rd Ed Amalgama QM guide?Did Jake take it to his room again?
>>67517298No, it's a worse comparison than that, the fax machine exclusively talks to outsiders - whose interests does it even serve when it votes?
>>67517505Probably those fucking assholes over in steampunk /tg/.
>>67517336Look I know you like how cool and battle damaged you look in it but it's just becoming ineffective, and frankly smells a lot. You have people trying to maintain it FOR FREE because of the shape it's in, and you don't even like that?
>>67517537Let them operate their "castle propellers" in peace
>>67517444This could be the start of an actual traditional game about shitposting.
>>67517610The have sex meta would suck
>>67517565But those fucks keep trying to get us to let firearms in here! They like what we don't like!Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
>>67517623I assume it'd be more costly, and should also be vulnerable to causing recoil butthurt against "Projecting much?"
WHO THE FUCK LET OUT MY GODDAMN EXPERIMENT?! I CANT GET IT BACK IN THE CAGE NOW AND IT GOT INTO THE STABLES AND ATE TWO OF THE KNIGHT'S HORSES YOU ASSHOLES.
>>67517551It’s on display in my section of the keep. Damn kids keep touching and I clean once every two weeks
>>67516038Guys, I think Ixis is stimulating our economy by giving our labourers work to get payed for.
Which one of you fuckers came from /v/? Every fucking day I have to repair the lock on my chest because some crouching idiot thinks he can open it by turning a piece of metal clockwise until it vibrates. I DON'T CARE WHAT THE ELDER SCROLL SAID, LOCKS DON'T WORK LIKE THAT
>>67517926You can read an elder scroll and not be blind?!
>>67515344>He doesn't know how to open the acornBeen there laddy, you'll learn to be a man, one day.
>>67516412Dave you nitwit, that was no ordinary nerdYou just broke the windows of a muscle wizard
>>67516038>>67516117im plugging this in on my next session, please do more
>>67515713learn 2 parry
>>67517865THAT'S RIGHT, STUPID MORTALONCE THE WORKING CLASS GETS MORE WORK, THEY'LL DEMAND BETTER PAY AND THEN UNIFY TO MAKE SURE THE UPPER CLASS CANNOT SIMPLY USE THEM LIKE SLAVESSOON, YOUR ENTIRE COUNTRY SHALL LIE IN RUINHEE HEE HAA HAA HOO HOO
>>67516680I mean, she was just like "let's fuck"And I was like "yeah"I kinda miss her, though...
>>67516611FOOOOOOLLLLLAS TIMMY AND SIR PICKLE TOES PLAY, I WILL SWITCH OUT YOUR SUGAR AND SALTTHEN YOU SHALL TASTE MY BITTER OR SWEET VENGEANCE, WHICHEVER HAPPENS FIRSTMWA HA HA
Why do I keep finding these things in the garden?
>>67519347They're harmless. Just feed them some fruit and they'll get used to you
Can someone kick out lord Anon? He's just constantly walking into rooms and yelling the most contrarian thing he can think of. He does it every day, the entire day, I'm not even sure if he eats or sleeps.
>>67520313Surely Lord Anon, must do something else besides being contrarianDoes he hath no girlfriend or family?
No, she left at the turn of the last winter.
>>67520391His girlfriend left in the middle of the night. I was out watching the stars and asked what was the hurry, she said something about rotten cheese smelling dick, gods damned NEET failure, going after the fabled Beebeecee and never returning.I thought I was cold, but going away without warning or at least leaving a note was too much even for me. Poor Anon.
>>67515173Scouts have reported a little girl with an oversized hat and a wizard's staff looking at the fort from the lower roads. What should we do?
>>67520763throw an antimagic field at her
Guys be careful around that goblin sentry the council hired. She acts all stern and dutiful but she uses her position to force civilians into doing lewd things with her.
hey anyone seen sister friede? Or that fancy magic scythe for that matter?
>>67520391Lord anon only hath his family. He doth rely on his mother's charity to feed him chicken tenders every day. He takes no wife nor collects any tax, he is truly a foolish knave.
>>67520827I recognize that goblin
>>67524185...then why is he still Lord?
>>67524258post the other pic
>>67524318This is a christian imageboard.
>>67524494then post a link to imgur
>>67520763Go and invite her in, of course! We need guests for tomorrows feast.
>>67516038Fuck You Ixis, I was sleeping you asshole.I'm calling the fucking paladins.
Uhh, I kinda talked to this Amazon chick down in the tavern last night and long story short, I can’t feel my legs today. This heals, right? Right?
Can any of you Conjurers call me up some fresh leeks? Can't make a decent veggy soup without fresh leeks y'know.
Bros this fucking rat with a top hat just came into my room and started to eat my grains and underwear. It started doing this rat like chuckle when it ran away. Anyone else had this happened to them today?
>>67525108Please tell me you didn't lick her armpits. That's where amazons secrete their venom for their weapons.
>>67525314Jacob, I swear to GOD if you keep eating our bread and underwear for your sick fetish that the wonder bread guy would be proud of I WILL BURN DOWN YOUR ROOM
>>67525158Not a smart idea. Pulling leeks from the astral might attract the attention of pic related. Even though technically astral material is much more pliable than material material and it's possible for a skilled magic-user or natural inhabitant of the plane to create an infinite number of any object, including leeks, these guys really love their leeks, eat em by the truckload daily (it's hypothesized that certain chemicals found in leeks are required for one of their many bizarre organs to function) and go apeshit when one pops out of existence from their frame of reference. To them, infinity minus one is still less than infinity. If a leek conjurer were to leave even a whiff of a magical signature anywhere remotely near an astral dreadnaught it'd track us down, manifest in reality and topple the whole keep. Not to mention we'd be leaving leek farmers across the globe exposed to astral raids.We do have a steady supply of red onions, though.
>>67517483You’re the same faggot from the “how would a normal guy with a gun do in your setting”, aren’t you?
>>67524285Laws of inheritance mostly. Also his mother is aged enough that trying to sire a replacement to lord anon would be a fool’s quest.
>>67517840"Hey anyone seen my horse? I could only find her shoes."
>>67524601>>67520763What? No!Ask her if she brought anything. We can't just invite freeloaders to feasts. Anything less than a full chicken is not acceptable.
Guys, how do yOu stoP A mAss pOLymOrpH sPeLl?Oh GoDs It'S gOnE cRiTiCaL oH FUuuUUUuuuUuU-
>>67516777nah but I have been growing a shit ton of plump helmets in the dungeons so that should tide us over once the grain runs out!
All the honey in the larder is gone. Do you fellas what happened to it?
>>67528685Yeah, I spent it all crafting 29 driftglobes.
>>67516038>>67516117>be me, a paladin entering the keep>see Ixis being a pushover as he always does>casual holy smite"And go back to sleep!"
No saying H*stur in my Cthulhu Keep.
>>67526540I'm so sorry Timmy i'm sure he was just frustrated and didn't meant to forget your name. Here let me get you some grains and underwear and we'll go find Ixis okay?
guys there's this weird fucking chicken in the courtyard and it's freaking me out, can one of you do something about it
>>67530747Just cast Toll the Dead or something.
>>67515202Ignore this man, the brothel in the dungeon needs fresh blood. We lost our two skeleton girls to a drunk paladin yesterday.
>>67515202i love /tg/
>>67531021tried it, it was immune and now my brain hurts
>>67530478NYAK NYAK NYAKSTUPID MORTAL, A SIMPLE SMITE CANNOT DEFEAT MEI, IXIS THE PLAGUEBEARER HAVE MASTERED THE UNHOLY POWER OF MOVING TO THE SIDE TO AVOID ATTACKSA RARE BUT POWERFUL ABILITY AMONG THE UNDEAD>>67530673THANK YOU MORTAL FOR RETURNING TIMMY TO MEI WILL BE SURE TO RAISE YOU FROM THE DEAD AFTER I CONQUER THE KINGDOM WITH MY DEFINITELY REAL AND TOTALLY READY TO MARCH AT ANY MOMENT ARMY OF THE DAMNEDHEE HAA HOO
>>67531342IF YOU'RE GOING TO THROW ROCKS AT OUT WINDOWS, I'M GOING TO THROW ROCKS AT YOU SKELENERD
>>67515173Whoever keeps putting up lewd cathay tapestries in the Great Hall on flimsy pretexts needs to stop.
>>67515173Anyone up for a game of SUVs and Suburbia?
>>67531365Oh, I just finished rolling my character! She's a White Mom, probably gonna multiclass into Businesswoman at some point. Not sure whether to grab Laptop Specialist or Greater Cellphone Master, though.
>>67531359TRY ME, FLESHBAG
Rolled 1 + 5 (1d20 + 5)>>67531480I WILL
>>67531503CURSE YOUR FOUL ROCK BLOCKING MAGICKS
*scrubs the walls*
>>67531279maybe cast Power Word Kill?
>>67524499>>67524258Please, Sir Head Cook, would you be so kind as to provide us with your sauce?
OH FUCK, WHO GAVE THE CHICKENS GUNS? THEY'RE STARTING A REVO-
>>67532771ALRIGHT NERD FIGHTNERD FIGHTI GOT TWENTY GOLD ON IXIS
This the captain of the guard. Stop the fighting immediately
>>67532586My green fever has been sated>>67532879PUT 15G IN MY NAME FOR THE FAGGOT WITH FLESH
>>67515173Praise the Lady,For I ride briskly,To my hearty hall,I pass my mighty wall,And swell with joy,As I pass those I employ.I cry as I see them;"Did something go awry,when I was gone this July?',On bated breath I awaited their reply
>>67533053Now now, there's no need for any unpleasantness, Captain.Surely we can come to an arrangement. Just don't break up the fight club, and maybe you wind up with a nice convenient sack of money to get your wife something nice, yeh?
NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAHYOU FOOLISH FOOLS I, IXIS THE PLAGUEBEARER, HAVE COMPLETED ANOTHER SCHEME TO MY GRAND PLANALL OF THIS WAS MEASLY A DISTRACTION!!YOU HAVE WASTED YOUR TIME TRYING TO STOP ME FOR WHEN YOU COULD HAVE BEEN NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAH USING YOUR PRECIOUS MORTAL TIME TO FOR YOURSELVES!THINK OF ALL THE PRECIOUS CALORIES YOU HAVE WASTED BY BLOCKING MY ROCKS!I, IXIS THE PLAGUEBEARER HAS ALL THE TIME TO SPARE!!THINK OF ALL THE DANGEROUS BACTERIA YOU HAVE COLLECTED OUT HERE "HEROES". YOU WILL NOW HAVE TO SPEND MORE TIME TO WASH YOURSELVES NYAH NYAH NYAHEVERY SECOND IS ANOTHER SECOND TO YOUR DOOM!!!!TILL NEXT TIME NERDSNYAH NYAH NYAH
>>67515173If you don't stop fucking with my ballista emplacements I swear by all the Gods I'm going to fuck your mothers in front of you and sell your young relatives into slavery. Be warned!
There's battle lines being drawnNobody's right if everybody's wrongYoung people speaking their mindsGetting so much resistance from behindIt's time we stopHey, what's that sound?Everybody look - what's going down?
>>67533999I think I've got something that can give us some time.
>>67516412I thought you said "Down with the clown". I was very confused.
>>67515173Oh hey, it's Hunedoara. My favourite castle that I've visited so far.
So I dropped my torch in the really long pit of endless depths. And I noticed the walls to the pit were moving and making sound. Sound that told me things. Things long forgotten and things that I should have never remembered. Words that pierced my mind like a pin through a finger. Names that choked my throat with a gagging sorrow. And knowledge that made my mind flicker, like a candle floating upon a dark ocean.Anywho long story short, can I get a new torch?
>>67533999>that whole get-upMy mind swirled with the sounds of https://youtu.be/DUawtbNDOoE
>>67534615We should throw our trash in it and see if it comes back years later on our roof
>>67534615>choked my throat with a gagging sorrow
Guys, can we do something about the clown infestation? They're stealing our booze, throwing pies at people's faces in the night, and Mark got pranked five times by them in a row!
>>67534628We are not throwing our trash in the really long pit of endless depths.
Hypothetically, if someone accidentally detonated our entire stockpile of gunpowder, how much trouble would they be in?
>>67534833Why do we even have a stockpile of gunpowder?
>>67534854To make sure no one else detonates it.
>>67534868Its very existence is self-defeating!Throw it into the moat.
>>67534854Good news is that may no longer be an issue.
>>67534908You lit the fuse didn't you.
Hey, the delivery service brought in about forty severed dragon cocks addressed only to "Wizard".Who the fuck ordered this because I'm sure as hell not gonna sign for it.
>>67534932Why is there a fuse
>>67534979Wizards are upstairs, concentrating on their doujins. If you want to bother them be my guest.
Is it ok to let busty gnomes in then? I mean... They aren't goblins
>>67534994 >>67534932>>67534908NYAH NYAH FOOLS I HAD LEFT MY TORCH HERE AND I, IXIS THE PLAUGEBRINGER NEEDS IT BACK-WAIT.....IS ANY ONE OF YOU FOOLS FEELING THAT?
>>67534932>>67534994Don't worry! I already took care of the fuse and the gunpowder and even got us a really large empty swimming pool.
>>67535016Well youre a big retard. Not a retard. Just a big retard.
>>67534994I figured we had the gunpowder for a reason, so I put a fuse in it!Are you telling me whoever put it there didn't want a fuse? Why would you ever do that?!
>>67535041AAAAAAAAH IT BURNS IT BURNS
This is I, Meruclux, The Alchemist. I just want to inform that there is a giant female dwarf in the basement, and she is eating all the gold and anvils she can find. I need that gold to transmute it into lead. I think we need to call a extermiantor or something
>>67535081Yes Sir. Comander. The paladins have tol me that too. But...umm...is that a yes?
You know... I actually wanna live in a castle with you cunts by this point.
>>67515661Confront them with the fact that no true grognard likes OSR.
>>67535115Giant female dwarf?I think I can handle your problem for you.
Found my torch. It was in the swimming pool.
>>67535115>Giant female dwarfIsn't that a regular human at that point?
I found an elf eggwhat do i do with it
>>67535284Smash it before it hatches!
>>67535284welp too lategood news thoughit wasn't an elfgot myself a new pet
>>67535396Oh, wonderful.>>67535264>>67535041Hey, do we have anymore gunpowder? I'd rather not pay that fuckin' murderhobo a dime.
>>67535431Unfortunately, all the gunpowder was in one place. You could probably go ask an alchemist to go make some.
>>67535469why don't we just ask one of the wizards to like teleport the big dwarf out of the basement?
Whose turn is it to clean the tubs for the baths?
>>67535277If thinking dwarves, no. Unlike midgets who are literally humans but smol, dwarf skeletons are functional distinct.They have shorter arms, smaller hands, and anatomically correct heads on an anatomically incorrect body. If you size up a dwarf to human, you don't have a human, you have a distinct species.at least if the author isn't a prat who thinks dwarves are just humans, but with a beard instead of a ribcage.
Guys I overheard our court physician mention something about a mandatory penis inspection coming up. Will her touching my penis make me illegible to becoming a wizard? I need to know fast, I only have a couple months to go till wizardhood.
>>67535509My penis is small.
>>67525876N-nope. Haven't seen her...
>>67535509>>67535537It should be fine if she just touches it.It isn't fine. Tuck your actual penis and have a decoy dildo in place.
Update on basement dwarf: pointed wand of wanders at it, good news its dwarf sized again. bad news, many normal sized dwarfs now
>>67535509Good luck. Escaping penis inspection day is one of the trials to become a wizard.
Uh guys. I was cleaning the dungeons and I found this thing down there. The web was really hard to look at and I kinda don't remember looking at parts of it, like just a complete blank on certain sections.
Can we ban all non-virgins? Nothing against them personally just my gods freaking out about how "im hanging with the wrong crowd" and "your always with those non-virgins and never come home for dinner anymore"
>>67535610Anyone else notice how all the horrible murder things are inside the castle? I'm reading this book that says we're supposed to have all the things trying to rape and kill us on the outside. Think we should have a yard sale or something?
>>67515927What about getting bara orcs or dwarves and femboy elves? Maybe even a few halflings too. We barely have like a dozen of them, maybe less i think.
>>67535556Don't do this. They know.Wear a small protective layer around it.
>>67535721They'd probably starve if we just locked the dungeon for a few weeks instead of regularly directing low level adventurers down there to be eaten by them.
>>67535571And the gold?
>>67535721Funny you should say that. I met this nice lady in the basement yesterday. She wouldn't shut up about the spiders. Can I keep her as a waifu?
>>67535721>>67535610>>67535737Accordin to this here manual this isn't a monster. Somthin called a "pattern spider". Not sposed to be here, but ain't dangerous. Mostly.
>>67535737What?! I thought they were pulling a prank on me. I asked 12 of them to fetch my glasses and not one of them returned...Now I feel bad calling them incompetent.
It is I, Pinot Gregorious the brewmaster. Who wants libations?
Alright I'm done healing you dumbasses.Next one of you tards that run up to me shoving their severed penis in my face is getting it reattached to their fucking nose.STOP FUCKING MONSTERS!STOP STICKING YOUR DICK IN THE MIMIC!AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP TRYING TO JERK OFF WITH TELEKENISIS!I signed up to heal cuts and occasionally severed heads. Not broken hearts. C'mon guys.
>>67535610>>67535509>>67535721How about I get rid of all those deadly creatures AND give our soon to be wizard a distraction to escape with this weapon I got to replace all the gunpowder I detonated. The men I bought it from said it makes all other weapons irrelevant! They called it a "New Clear" bomb and the effects are said to be unforgettable.With everyone's permission, I'll hit the activation rune.
>>67534659DESPITE ORCS(huff huff)BEING THIRTEEN PERCENT(huff huff) OF THE POPULATION-
>>67535866This is why im banning mushrooms.Starting with that garden downstairs.The spore are clearly detrimental for breathing.
>>67535903Shit, we can send in the newly founded population of normal sized dwarfs. They're pretty hardy when it comes to that 'fungi' stuff, or was that the brettonians?
>>67528685I suspect Sir Bearington the Brave. That man has a sweet tooth.
>>67536149Watch your tongue if you mean to insult Sir Bearington. He's a hero to me and my men. Why, I still remember the rousing speech he gave before the battle of Blackstone. Such a wit. And courageous, too; if I could understand his accent, I would name my son after him.
>>67536149>Sir BearingtonWait...Isn't he...y'know...married?
>>67515173Guild girl here to make an announcement:Visit the Provisionary before the blacksmith the amount of adventurers that starve to death around here is getting embarrassing…
So the alchemist keeps trying to make homunculi and he says he's made a breakthrough in making 'special' homunculi, this kid keeps following him around now and is creepy, what do we do?
>>67537677We'll have to remove its brain and transplant it into a machine that's magically connected to the consciousness of one (un)lucky alchemist who can report to us in real time what thoughts, powers and personality it may possess. HOPEFULLY their consciousness won't merge, or be devoured. But the arcane arts always carry negligible risk. It'll be fine.
This is Urgot, Head Chef of the Castle Kitchen. I swear if I find whoever stole the imported ham and my aged cheese they'll be the newest ingredient in my stew!
>>67517444What is rent free? I don't think I've ever seen it before
>>67539560That looks fucking RAW.
>>67516038LET ME AT HIM, LET ME PUT MY HAMMER INSIDE THE SKILL THAT WAKES ME UP IN MY NAP
>>67539675You wouldn't know cooked from raw if the dish actually bit you in the face!
>>67541076that was cause you tried to cook a MIMIC
>>67539710STUPID MORTALI, IXIS THE PLAGUEBEARER HAVE ALREADY RETREATED FAR BENEATH THE CATACOMBS TO PREPARE MY UNSTOPPABLE ARMY OF UNDEAD TO RAVAGE THE LANDGA HA HA
>>67524285Did you not hear? He takes no tax
>>67525776I would probably say that adoption should be a valid thing in situations like this.
>>67541102Mimics are delicious!
The wizardocracy would like to remind everyone that violence against sentient magical constructs is just as illegal as violence against those of living flesh and blood, and that these protections extend to our beloved hardworking undead compatriots.T. Chief Necromancer Higgins
HEAR YE, HEAR YEHis lordship, Duke Whatshisface of the Keep, has been found dead in his bed chambers come this morning. With a knife in his throat.We must find the assassin, but till then, we must also find a new lord, for his lordship did not leave hind a noble successor!Whom will take the mantle of leadership over the keep!+
>>67539560Urgot? More like Urmumgot my dick last night.
>>67544496"I have an excellent record of surviving thunderstorms while keeping my castle intact. Also I have a right to rule over you worthless smallfolk due to my Chad Durrandon energy. Support me so that we can kick the shit out of nerds."
>>67515173So I just went to get water from the well and there's a half naked chick just hanging out in there. Long story short, she gave me a magic sword and am I your king now?
>>67515202I vote we lock this guy up with some busty goblins until he changes his tune.
>>67544825Fuck that. I didn't elect you. If anything you're trespassing on my doorstep, threatening me to swear fealty with a dubiously magic weapon, violating the NAP. I reserve the right to respond in kind. Give me a moment to fetch my doomsday spellbook.
>>67544532I swear to Gruumsh you better stop with that joke, manling, or your balls will go in the stew. Now go back to peeling the beetroots.
>>67544496Duke Whatshisface is such a fucking liar. I'd never imagine a wizard to be such a drama hungry bitch. Remember the LAST time he was "assassinated"?
>>67544496*glub*(I say friends and companions, I believe me of such diplomatic relations and charisma is the perfect choice to lead this great keep and for years to come.)
>>67544496I cast my vote for Sir Bearington
>>67546870You can't vote for nonwizards
>>67547529Since when? Last I checked we could vote for anyone BUT wizards?
>>67547574This is a wizardocracy, remember?
>>67544843Oh! Me too! I need fixing as well!
>>67544496Join me and we shall destroy the true source of evil upon our landsThe elves
>>67547973Seems strangely coincidental. Do you really need help?
>>67515173TROLL IN THE DUNGEON
>>67548081WHAT DOES SHE LOOK LIKE?
>>67548059I've got a fever, and the only prescription, is thicc goblins.
>haven't let any new goblins into the keep in about ~5 weeks now>new busty greenstacks keep popping up>meanwhile, people keep turning up missing after drinking partiesGuys. Guys. I'm not saying the wizards are up to some shit, but when was the last time we had eyes on all of them.
>>67515344Oh Quercus... this is why the Tall Races deserve to be wiped out...
>>67548461I just want to say that random horny goblin sluts really shouldn't be as common as they appear to be in this place.
Can you stop letting the spiders out of my spider basement please? I'ts hard work cultivating all those very harmless spiders and herding them into a basement only for some dick head "Adventurer" to open the LOCKED DOOR and let them out.
>>67549108Aye the more locked ye make a door the more punks try an' get through. And if ye improve yer locks it GETS WORSE an' they start pickin it wit a sledgehammer.
>Heard there are vampires in the castle>Introduced underground plumbing to my house
>>67549240Vampires are protected class
I order ye to stop coming into the abandoned back rooms! Some of us are trying to run morally dubious experiments here!
>>67549529Where are the other anonswhy do more goblin sluts keep appearingANSWER ME WIZARD
>>67548518I mean, really though. Why the acorn? Why not just do what any sane person would do? Most people don't have time to spend figuring out how to open an acorn, we have adventures to go on and monsters to lay.
>>67547529What if he's an eldritch knight or a paladin?
>>67549529You keep trying to make literal pocket dimensions of fetishes in there, so we are gonna come in with the magic eaters every few days to make sure you dont try anything
>>67548461>>67548858>>67549529>>67549597I fuckin' knew it!
>>67515173Amigos, quien abrió un portal a otra dimensión
Hey, can you assholes keep it down there? I'm trying to sleep.
>>67548858You want to, but are you really that bothered by having a pair of bedwarmers that are soft yet firm in all the right places?
>>67551510...Anyone else's pockets feel lighter, suddenly?
>>67551090Piss off we're full. This one already eats most our larder, but people don't wanna throw it out for some reason.
>>67541173*CACKLES IN LICH*CEASE THINE RAMBLING! ONLY A FOOL BELIEVES HIMSELF ALONE TO CRITIQUE THE SHEEP - A GRAVE ERROR YOU'VE MADE, BONEY BUFFOON!WHILST YOU WERE PLOTTING AND SCHEMING AND NOODLING ABOUT, MY SPIRIT HATH BEEN BORN AGAIN IN A NEW VASSAL, THE PUNY AND FRAIL BODY OF A STILLBORN INFANT! WHILE HALLWAYS AND STAIRS PROVE INSURMOUNTABLE A CHALLENGE, I'VE RELEASED A BUNDLE OF CATS UPON YOUR CATACOMBS AND DIVERTED THE SEWER TO THEM. A VERY MUCKY HOME YOU'LL COME BACK TO! LEAVE THE TRUE CLEVER CRAFTING OF EVILS TO THE MASTERS, MY LOBOTOMITE UNDERLING!
>>67548040Duke Whatshisface has betrayed your people in his negligenceWe must save this keep before it is beyond recovery, and to do this we must remove the wizardsIt is them, with their long pointy hats that are bringing this keep to ruin!
>>67551212One of them made a mistake a while back and used my name. Yet I'm sure I've never met that particular busty green shortstack.Also a lot of them are really into traditional games.Also some of them look kind of like missing residents of the keep.Something is definitely going on... But I just don't know what it is
>tfw you're pretty sure something really skeevy is going on in the keep>tfw you can't find that old anon discovers /tg/'s true fetish image
>random /tg/ users getting turned into busty goblins>tfw this is exactly my fetish
Ruin has come to our family.You remember our keep, opulent and imperial, gazing proudly from its stoic perch above the moor? I lived all my years in that ancient, rumor shadowed castle, fattened by decadence and luxury - and yet I began to tire of conventional extravagance.
Remember, it's not a problem since we're allowed to leave the keep whenever we please.
>>67550287Fueron los Magos del Tiempo.
>>67556288>leaving the keepAnd consort with those peasants from the Red Country? Next you'll be saying we shouldn't mock nubians!
>>67556288...guys, which of you locked the door from the outside? Guys, it's not funny anymore, c'mon. Let me out.
>came back to my room last night>roomate must have brought another of his elven whores around>pretty sure there was cum on my holy scripturesKARL FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME DONT FUCK ON MY DESK, THERE ARE PEOPLE TRYING TO SAVE THEIR SOULS HERE YOU FILTH
>>67555211For fuck's sake, grandpa, stop doing this shit. Go to sleep. You are drunk and rambling again. No, there is no eldritch abomination in the basement. Tell those nice if rather armed to the teeth and emotionally ustable people you dragged here with you to go home. This plague doctor is scaring the kids. And where the fuck did you get a leper from anyway?
Gee Bill, Der do seem ta be lots gnoblars in did here oupost, but I's not sure what deys Gnobillin on.Also is a shit oupost A shit post if ya will.
>*opens the gate for a busty goblin*
To whoever keeps stealing my potions of invisibility, I won't find you!
Fellow guardsmen, I have received a missive from the wizards on the coast that we are now required to pay for the right to guard their keep.
>>67556471Do we still receive the foil tabars?
>>67556433I dunno Jo, I's not sure Dat dese folks be gnoblars, deys small n' green sure, but dey is not ugly and umany and gross, not like good proppa gnoblars, der noses ai't even an inch long.Also dey smell funny and dey keep tryna cling ta me Pants Fer sum reason.
>>67556471Once again it is the wizards that betray our peopleTheir tyranny has to end
It be me, Garf the goblin, come to reclaim my bitches that you fat fuckers have taken!
>>67556305Eso pendejos vas a joder el plano, donde esta el paladín
>>67556576Save yourself before it's too late you fuck, the wizards have some really fetishy magic
>>67556731Me fear not the magic of grognard losers
WHICH ONE OF YOU DUMBASSES HAD RELEASED THE DRAGONESS WE IMPRISONED MONTH AGO...AGAIN!!!NOT ONLY DID SHE GET AWAY BUT NOW SHE'S SUING OUR FUCKING CASTLE ON THE GROUNDS OF SEXUAL HARASSMENTCAN'T YOU FUCKING DEVIANTS GO AND POUND ONE OF THE HUNDREDS OF GODDAMN KOBOLDS YOU BROUGHT HERE THE LAST MONTH?
So, today is the "annoy the elves" day, and I figured hey, I can totally annoy the elves by stealing their things, right? They are fae, they get very annoyed when we steal their things, and it's really funny to see them all fuzzy and angry and such.Soo, I stole some jewels they had lying around. Had to use pliers, they were, like, real hot. I had to come here running, I think they spotted me.Anyways, should I hide these jewels in the dungeons, or in the attic? Please hurry, handling 3 pliers at once is really ackward, and my hands and eyes are hurting a lot.
>>67556576>Goblin>Not BustyGuess the gate is staying closed today
>>67556886...Um, how did those elves look like? Black skin, red eyes, white hair? And how did those jewels looked like?Because, I don't want you guys to panic, but there may be an entire drow warparty coming our way. And they have draegloths with them.
>>67557027Do not worry, I'm not dumb enough to steal from the drow. Through I may have swindled one of their mounts to get the jewels...They mostly looked fair, and angry, and tall. Really tall. The jewels are shiny. Like really, really shiny. And hot, I had to throw them into the dungeon. I think I need a medic.
>>67539597>lol X is living in your head rent freeBasically telling someone that they’re too obsessed with something or someone
>>67557120Oh, good to know. That puts me on ease.The drow warparty is still approaching, so I guess that one's unrelated. I'm sure it's just an misunderstanding.
>>67556491Yes but they might be replaced with foil daggers on some months.
>>67557292Just call the dwarves, they will helps us out, if all goes to shit, then shine some light into their eyes, they lived so long in those caverns that sunlight frightens them
>>67557292I propose we find the biggest twink in the keep to offer them as a tributeAny volunteers?
>>67557315Already on it, I'm calling the mountain holds.
>>67557444Good news, one of the dwarven lords (shankis or something. I think they live on boats) has agreed to help. They even have elephants!
>>67557472Let me know how it turns out. Just try to take any cute drow girls alive. We can then throw them into the dungeon and bully them into becoming our personal quality waifus.
Alright, who of you chuckle fucks replaced the belts of the guard uniforms with hurdles of change sex? My men are supposed the watch the walls, not each other's tits.
>>67557798I'm sorry, I just thought it would be funny.But hey, didya know that Jim is pregnant?
>>67515173>PSA blares over the intercommsRemember to spay and neuter your rape elves.
>>67558082Yes, I did know. Everyone in a mile radius around the barracks knows because Jim's fucking has kept us awake all night.>I'm sorry, I just thought it would be funny.This is the same mentality that had the well replaced with a portal to the elemental plane of acid. Fucking wizards.You better conjure some gold coins and ales as apology, because the troop plans to put all the left over girdles on you to see with how many genitals you end up with.
>>67556820>kobolds>trying to fuck well-trapped coochesNOPE
Why do people think there are elves here? Not a single living person in this keep is an elf. I'm sorry if some of the racially-unidentifiable skeletons in the workforce may have previously BEEN an elf but they're not the kind we have a law against anyway.
>>67561723You checked people walking out of Barber Bob's lately? Awfully bloody around the ears...
>>67548040This is a routine elf inspection!Any found harbouring elves will face the same fate as them
I'm not an elf, I'm a pale half-orc with high charisma!
Can we talk about how nobody wants to let their female children stay at /tg/ Keep?
>>67557535>>67562904The cute drow you were talking about? It is currently beating up the inspector, also claims to be a dwarf or something.
>>67563237What are you talking about, why wouldn't they trust us? I see male and female children manning the kitchens, we're giving them valuable life skills. Or maybe those are halfings I can never really tell
>>67564500i can abide children being pressed into slavery but i absolutely cannot tolerate halflings being allowed
>>67565030Throw the little thieving shits out, they keep stealing crap and getting into places they're not supposed to.